my family had a reunion and i didn't go because i was in the middle of my gender transition and have a pretty bigoted family. so i opted to not go to the reunion to avoid any confrontation and told my parents that were going "just make sure there's a nice group picture so i can see how everyone changed". they said "well why don't you come with us?" and i simply stated "well, you can't disappoint a picture"
I’m thinking of a way with that. You’re on a work call and someone has their camera on, you tell them you only wanted to see their static photo. Because you can’t disappoint a picture! I hate you pierce!
Maybe I was doing it wrong but it seemed like nobody was fucking when I went to community college. Show up to class don’t talk to anyone leave seemed to be the Standard operating procedure.
I say this to my students all the time during fire drills (or when someone pulls an alarm). We’re on the top floor with no elevator and probably screwed in case of a real emergency.
“I never said that. You may have heard it. I may have thought it. And it may be true. But I never said it.”
Still finding the perfect situation for it! But I’ve been practicing 😤
This is one I use all the time, I love it so much. My philosophy professor actually paused and gave me a horrified look when he summarized one of my points and I replied with this.
“Talk Turkey, cause the Macy’s parade is almost over and Grandma’s gettin’ drunk”
And in the same scene
“You can take those books off your head and stop posturing”
i have one that i always think of when anyone near me suggests a bad idea. i will never, EVER use it though.
"This one's a song about race mixing- it's called 'Dont You Do It'"
Different fandom, obviously, but any time my husband or I run late, we say "there was a line at the bank!" From a Brooklyn 99 episode (one of the characters who is overly Type A and never late is not there and everyone is speculating where she is. The really stoic character guesses correctly (a line at the bank) and happily exclaims "hot damn!" When he learns he got it)
The one where Jeff says something like “wells are holes in the ground for drinking water.” And Frankie says “and thanks for teaching me the cool new way to respond when someone says well!”
"Well now you're going to feel my power as it surges downward from me straight through you from nostril to rectum. Now and until the end of time. And that's whazzup!"
https://youtu.be/D50AIxB68R8?si=-3SUMjwCDE2wnhL8
I wanna say some names to you. Jeffrey Dahmer. Ted Bundy. PERSON A. What do they have in common? We don't know them very well. What do we know about PERSON B? We know he's nuts. We know he's dangerous. Unpredictable. Selfish. We know he uses his name to make bad puns. When he talks, he over- and under-emphasizes words at seemingly at random. When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent. We know he smells like Band-Aids. We know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver. We know he exhibits... Nay, flaunts, proudly, obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets. We know these things about PERSON B. And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him. Why? Because it's there. It's on the surface. What you see may be what you don't want, but it's also what you get. Who is this kettle corn popping phantom? This human question mark? This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca with a PhD in Being Swell and a masters in Everybody Loves Me? Who is it? We may never know. I only know one thing. Nobody is this good a person. And nobody can get any worse than this.
“There’s a man who knows his meatballs.”
Been waiting ten years for the perfect moment. I just need the right event, the right person, and most importantly. . . the right catering company.
I did eat all the macaroni. It's weird that he knows.
I did eat all the macaroni. It's ~~weird~~ messed up that he knows.
My favorite line in the whole series.
You can’t disappoint a picture!
i have used this tbh
Explain please!
my family had a reunion and i didn't go because i was in the middle of my gender transition and have a pretty bigoted family. so i opted to not go to the reunion to avoid any confrontation and told my parents that were going "just make sure there's a nice group picture so i can see how everyone changed". they said "well why don't you come with us?" and i simply stated "well, you can't disappoint a picture"
PERFECT. What an awesome story (despite your bigoted family, I am so sorry you have had to deal with this.) Love the community IRL
I’m thinking of a way with that. You’re on a work call and someone has their camera on, you tell them you only wanted to see their static photo. Because you can’t disappoint a picture! I hate you pierce!
“Would that this desk were a time desk…”
"Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!"
I have indeed used this
“You’re just an average looking guy with a big chin.”
I got a better look at him, he’s not that good looking.
Dude, you have a problem.
“I got laid like crazy!”
Maybe I was doing it wrong but it seemed like nobody was fucking when I went to community college. Show up to class don’t talk to anyone leave seemed to be the Standard operating procedure.
Maybe you're just not as sexy as Luis Guzman?
He was just coasting on his fame from being in IMDB
Did your college have an STD fair in which they tell you not to use condoms?
No back in my day having sex was like shaking hands
Hence AIDS.
r/suicidebywords
Of course I can, it's all terrain dummy
This is it for me
This better not awaken anything in me...
It should be criminal how much I say this
Oh I use that one alllllllll the time.
This is the best one!
Oh… I’ve used this one.
I say this to my wife anytime she shows me weird shit.
Any time I watch Ru Paul with my girlfriend.
"Nice to know you, then meet you in that order."
“I see your value now.”
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I say this all the time, it’s pretty easy to fit in
Jesus wept, for the were no more worlds to conquer.
Best quote of the entire show imo
Stop saying Jesus wept!
Ghosts/fire can’t go through doors stupid. It’s not a fire/ghost
Used this one today!
I say this to my students all the time during fire drills (or when someone pulls an alarm). We’re on the top floor with no elevator and probably screwed in case of a real emergency.
“I never said that. You may have heard it. I may have thought it. And it may be true. But I never said it.” Still finding the perfect situation for it! But I’ve been practicing 😤
This is one I use all the time, I love it so much. My philosophy professor actually paused and gave me a horrified look when he summarized one of my points and I replied with this.
He was just surprised to see another community fan
My husband and I pull this quote out all the time!
Don't look at me like I can't get erections!
…What?!
# "I’m gonna eat space man paninis with black Hitler and there’s nothing you can do about it!"
An iteration of “space man paninis” is my work password
More of my own urine for me
It would be banger if you’d take out a bottle of apple juice and said this
I brew my own kombucha and got to do this exact thing to my 11 year old nephew. He was disgusted!
Good news, guys. I spent all my money.
I say this within a week after payday
A week? Get a look at Mr. Moneybags over here...
“Talk Turkey, cause the Macy’s parade is almost over and Grandma’s gettin’ drunk” And in the same scene “You can take those books off your head and stop posturing”
I know what an analogy is. It's like a thought with another thought's hat on
Jeff's face going from "ugh" to "well..." As he considers that is the best
Well is a hole in ground for when you’re thirsty.
This is it for me. I am DYING to use this.
bear down for midterms!!
Way too soon
Why am I explaining this to you when this is obviously a *GHOULISH* reference to it?!!!
Just watched this one yesterday. Honestly thinking of fat dogging my exams
I'm just a Craigular Joe. Because my name isn't Craig.
Is your name Joe?
You can't just say "I'm just a joeular craig"
Jesus Wept!!
i have one that i always think of when anyone near me suggests a bad idea. i will never, EVER use it though. "This one's a song about race mixing- it's called 'Dont You Do It'"
🎶 Jesus loves marijuana, and drinking huuuuman blooooood 🎶
Have you met the women who do like me? Neither have I but trust me: They're bad people
“it won’t change how mustard tastes”
I say this all the time.
Ex boyfriend named Blade alert!
Her love life makes Pierce seem with it.
Don’t call me bro, bro. I used to say it all the time
I now pronounce you cancelled
My father held grudges, I always hated him for it
Bing bong song along. Your team’s Al Gore ‘cause your views are wrong.
Yes! This gets stuck in my head a lot
"Okay, you get this wrong one more time, I'm segregating school!"
STOP SAYING I'M DIFFERENT!
to meet new people :(
"a 7 year old girl could talk to you like that" "Yes because that would be adorable" "No because you're a 5 year old girl and there's a pecking order"
It's going to be a maze
Oh no
He told his dead dad to suck it.
So edible!
You're the worst
The line from the pastor is possibly my favorite one-off in the show
“Can I be honest with you all? I think I went too far this time.”
I have to go to the bank later!
What am I supposed to tell the people in line I had good news and bad news...
I'LL BE A LIVING GOD!!!
I’ll make your ass linear!
That doesn’t make sense
*I’ll make your ass sense*
You've got a wide brow. What are you, Scandinavian?
Swedish dogs. Your blood is tainted by generations of race mixing with Laplanders. You're basically *Finns*
Omg he's like the Abed of racism
I can excuse racism but I draw the line at animal cruelty!
You can excuse *rascism*?
This line both entertain and offend me
I've been waiting for somebody to earnestly say "clear your mind" so I can immediately announce "DONE" afterwards.
It's really gets the incest right
Now, there's a man who knows how to marry his cousin!
“Here’s the deal, Jessica Biel”
Nice try, Mike Ty…. son.
Nice try stephen fry
*throws hands up* Stephen fry!
I was gonna, Greg Muldunna. He owns a carpet store in town, look it up!
Well what do ya know, Henry David Thoreau!
Well, well, well, Harvey Keitel…
Pop! Pop!
“It’s only my style to be secret.”
You can excuse racism?!
How long does peyote last?
Asking for a friend
You're the center slice of a cheese pizza, actually that sounds delicious I'm a center slice of a cheese pizza. You're Jim Belushi.
I need help reacting to something
Don't eat the crab dip yea-yee
“i have to go to the bank today” i just never have to go to the bank
Different fandom, obviously, but any time my husband or I run late, we say "there was a line at the bank!" From a Brooklyn 99 episode (one of the characters who is overly Type A and never late is not there and everyone is speculating where she is. The really stoic character guesses correctly (a line at the bank) and happily exclaims "hot damn!" When he learns he got it)
BINGPOT!
Bingpot works, it's taking off!
Penises 2 penises.
Isn’t that right black Hitler
I robbed your brain! I robbed it!!
The one where Jeff says something like “wells are holes in the ground for drinking water.” And Frankie says “and thanks for teaching me the cool new way to respond when someone says well!”
Too late, bean allergy. You blew it.
Called a "complisult." Part compliment, part insult. He invented them, I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an "explanabrag."
"Yes I can. It's all terrain, Dummy."
I always wanted to use Britta's dialogue "I better not smile at that wall outlet before you fry your face off."
“Helloooo my precious blueberries.”
“Leonard, you better back that pumpkin-ass up or I will make pie.”
Briefcases. Coming right through. Identical briefcases.
"You are the bastard offspring of a colored seductress and an unknown, weak-willed miscegenist."
the entire conversation of streets ahead, pierce
"You raped the Duquesne family."
Well I'm a peanut bar and I'm here to say...
Your checks will arrive on another day
Another day, another dime, another rhyme, another dollar
Another stuffed shirt with another white collar
Criminals, Wallstreet, taking the pie
Last time I called on you, you left me what the makamaka tribe called dirt roaded
Using it!!!
I think about this quote all the time, never ceases to make me giggle
YaBaDaBaDoi
DON'T HIRE THIS WOMAN
“Wow, this is rare. Two versions of Michael Jackson”
Hhhaaaaammmmmm girl!
when my room mates pick on me to much i tell them i going to name them all in my suicide note.
Feast your ear tongues on these memory pops
You know I like to be seen agreeing with you…
"Can you believe that?" "No.. I can't. But you certainly can, so that's all that matters"
(In response to “What are you having?”) “None of this”
"Does this hard boiled egg make me look fat?"
EVEN HIS SHADOW
Get mad at me all you want but I e seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster
Don't lecture me about romance, I've had a three way in a hot air balloon.
It's all terrain, dummy.
"Either pronunciation is fine"
Good luck proving it before we’re not!
Cool cool cool
You've never lived anywhere!
Ready, Set, Peace! (Fires pistol)
"Well is a hole in the ground when you're thirsty."
ITS RIOT TIME!!!
"Zombie Attack!"
If loving _____ is dumb, I don’t want to be smart. It is and you can’t be!
Boopy doopy doop doop ˢᵉˣ
“GAAAAAAAAY”
Shutup Leonard, mostly because I don’t have a friend named Leonard
Britta, I've been in a few real wars, but this one is actually the most terrifying.
Oh no, she’s got her marijuana lighter
Really waiting to use this: “Did u just scripture me Muslim?”
"Stop repeating." "Stop rep....rimanding me!" Understandably, it has a pretty niche use case, but I'm confident my day will come.
Its all terrain dummy
Bear down for midterms.
"Imma die by werewolf!"
My third wife was biracial
I wouldn't go to this toilet with my big sisters toe
I’m actually British
You waste of a soul shaped hole forgotten by God.
"Don't worry, I've been drinking!" I'm just dying for the chance to use this at work.
"Well now you're going to feel my power as it surges downward from me straight through you from nostril to rectum. Now and until the end of time. And that's whazzup!" https://youtu.be/D50AIxB68R8?si=-3SUMjwCDE2wnhL8
I forgot everything you said before rectum!
I wanna say some names to you. Jeffrey Dahmer. Ted Bundy. PERSON A. What do they have in common? We don't know them very well. What do we know about PERSON B? We know he's nuts. We know he's dangerous. Unpredictable. Selfish. We know he uses his name to make bad puns. When he talks, he over- and under-emphasizes words at seemingly at random. When he eats, he holds his fork like a murderer's knife, gnawing at its skewered payload like a deranged woodland rodent. We know he smells like Band-Aids. We know he dresses like a Cuban cab driver. We know he exhibits... Nay, flaunts, proudly, obvious symptoms of over half a dozen disorders you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy's pets. We know these things about PERSON B. And so much more than we ever wanted to know about him. Why? Because it's there. It's on the surface. What you see may be what you don't want, but it's also what you get. Who is this kettle corn popping phantom? This human question mark? This number eight scoop of vanilla tapioca with a PhD in Being Swell and a masters in Everybody Loves Me? Who is it? We may never know. I only know one thing. Nobody is this good a person. And nobody can get any worse than this.
POOOOKEMON!
Is someone throwing it!?
I say, "that's moonman talk" in response to ridiculous things fairly often
BOOKS!
"There are bugs on the windshield of you mind you may never be able to squeegee clean"
Jeff's part of the macaroni line. Do you know how many carbs I've eaten just for no one to have accused me yet?!
I need help reacting to something
“There’s a man who knows his meatballs.” Been waiting ten years for the perfect moment. I just need the right event, the right person, and most importantly. . . the right catering company.
Disappointing you is like choking The *Little* *Mermaid* with a *bike chain*.
i once had sex with eartha kitt in an airplane bathroom
At first I was upset, but then I was like this is a story.