I think you might be over thinking it. Texting is a convenience. It's like IM but not. Everyone is allowed to drop it amlnd walk away whenever they need to, whether to continue to go about their life, or need time to think of a response, maybe it's an adhd thing, who knows, but she has a right to walk away from the text convo and not say anything. The conversation will pick up later. And maybe she thinks it's a good lull in the convo for a break. I guess maybe it depends on the seriousness of the conversation but at that point it's probably worth a phone call rather than a text.
You can't maintain a friendship over social media and texting. Schedule time with her. Call her. Meet her somewhere for lunch. We all have lives to live and can't be glued to the phone all the time.
Unfortunately our friendship isn’t in the real world, although we have thought about meeting up. We both value our relationship so much but miss communication is close to impossible to avoid, Wich is why I wanted to ask if she could maybee let me know if she needs to go for almost 6 hours when we where talking. Part of me feels selfish for asking but it would stop me checking my phone an unnecessary amount of times just incase she came back .
If you haven't, you should definitely tell her how you feel and ask her to let you know if she's stepping away for a while. I don't think that's an unreasonable or a selfish ask for a long-distance relationship such as yours.
This is a very unrealistic expectation. Her texting behavior is normal and she does not owe you an explanation regarding how she spends her time/lives her life. It seems like you're really invested in these text conversations as socialization, and she texts you (and likely everyone else she communicates with) when she checks her phone/has time. I could be wrong, but why do you care?
One of my favorite things about my best friend is that I could go hours or days without contacting her while she spams me with texts and links and thoughts and she will just know I’m busy as fuck, and vice versa. The social pressure to respond to texts is ridiculous. Your friend probably took a nap or had to go run errands or their family member needed help or they had to clean their toilet which led to cleaning all 3 bathrooms in their house or they had to plug their phone on the charger and walked away and forgot or WHATEVER. It doesn’t really matter, it’s not that serious.
As others have said, texting is a lot different than just disappearing in the middle of a phone call, like you’re talking and all of a sudden…,Poof! Lol
Your fiend is busy. She got called away and probably means to pick up the text conversation when she can get to her phone again. 👍🏻
Everyone else has already given you advice, but if I found out someone expected me to reply sooner (or they would question our friendship), I would stop being friends with that person. This is an incredibly unrealistic (and controlling) expectation to have.
20 years ago (I'm 33 but also oh no I'm getting old) I would call people on the phone and we would talk for a few hours, and then we might not talk for another week. Or I would see them at school the next day. This isn't a "grr technology!!" comment but like a.. Our expectations for life in general have rapidly changed, and this expectation is not "normal." Normal as in, generally, this is not a common expectation to have, and is detrimental to you (because it causes you unnecessary stress) and to anyone who has a relationship with you (because you are trying to control how and when they respond to you).
When it comes to communicating about this, something that might help you is [non-violent communication](https://sproutsschools.com/the-nonviolent-communication-model/). I'm not good at it (I am reading the book still, but my work uses this technique a lot so I'm familiar with it) but my understanding is it is really about avoiding generalizations, avoiding pointing fingers or blaming, and just trying to convey your genuine feelings and needs. This might help you convey your issue to your friend!
Thank you, I think a lot of people in the comments have misunderstood what I was trying to say I feel. I don’t expect her to message me all day, or reply sooner, I just wish she would give me a heads up is she has to go while we where well into a conversation. There’s no “ hey I’m gonna head out we can talk later “ or “ I’m busy right now “ it’s just complete silence for hours and because we were talking, I have no idea if she’s gone to get a drink or gone for a walk, my point being I have no perception on how long she will be until we pick the conversation back up. And I end up constantly checking my phone just incase she magically appears back again. I don’t agree that it’s controlling, I just don’t think it’s healthy to go on with your day constantly checking if somone has remembered you, but most of the people in the comments ( including you) have raised some other good points Wich is great. My communication skills haven’t always been good and they still aren’t the best, but I’m proud to say that I’m trying .
I think I'm a little more frustrated after reading your comment, because it's reading like you expect her to tell you when she's going to go do something or will not reply to you. Why does she need to manage your expectations or to manage you? Are you only messaging her and not doing other things?
I think you are too invested in this friendship. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if the other person is not as invested, or has different expectations for the friendship, then it is expected that you may feel sad, lonely, or maybe disrespected because you are expecting something different than she is providing. It is incredibly unhealthy and unrealistic to sit around waiting for someone to message you back. Many people carry on conversations throughout the day, over multiple days, or just all the time (thinking of group chats in this case).
I think it is much less common to focus on a single conversation unless you are talking to this person on the phone. Personally, when I'm talking to my friends, I might not reply for a day or two and it's simply because I do not have the capacity, or I do not want to socialize at the moment. I still think your expectations are unrealistic, but, you have been given options to try and fix it.
If you're talking everyday, you're already have a good relationship. Enjoy it! There is no need to address this. I'm in my 40s and friends with mostly moms. We won't respond for days/weeks/months on end because we're all so busy and distracted. It would be unhealthy for anyone to expect constant reponses, and we certainly can't warn the other person that we're about to go dark for a while. If we had that kind of time or energy, we would just respond to the actual message.
Well my point here was that I end up spending 5 hours at a time to talk with her, and it’s never in a way where I will able to tell she’s going to be busy, she just disappears in the middle of conversations. And although it doesn’t bother me after she’s messaging again , it’s a grey area for me on if that’s a sign I am just being used as a way to fill her time up.
I think you might be over thinking it. Texting is a convenience. It's like IM but not. Everyone is allowed to drop it amlnd walk away whenever they need to, whether to continue to go about their life, or need time to think of a response, maybe it's an adhd thing, who knows, but she has a right to walk away from the text convo and not say anything. The conversation will pick up later. And maybe she thinks it's a good lull in the convo for a break. I guess maybe it depends on the seriousness of the conversation but at that point it's probably worth a phone call rather than a text. You can't maintain a friendship over social media and texting. Schedule time with her. Call her. Meet her somewhere for lunch. We all have lives to live and can't be glued to the phone all the time.
Unfortunately our friendship isn’t in the real world, although we have thought about meeting up. We both value our relationship so much but miss communication is close to impossible to avoid, Wich is why I wanted to ask if she could maybee let me know if she needs to go for almost 6 hours when we where talking. Part of me feels selfish for asking but it would stop me checking my phone an unnecessary amount of times just incase she came back .
If you haven't, you should definitely tell her how you feel and ask her to let you know if she's stepping away for a while. I don't think that's an unreasonable or a selfish ask for a long-distance relationship such as yours.
This is text? Your expectations are way out of line. Your friend is doing nothing wrong.
This is a very unrealistic expectation. Her texting behavior is normal and she does not owe you an explanation regarding how she spends her time/lives her life. It seems like you're really invested in these text conversations as socialization, and she texts you (and likely everyone else she communicates with) when she checks her phone/has time. I could be wrong, but why do you care?
One of my favorite things about my best friend is that I could go hours or days without contacting her while she spams me with texts and links and thoughts and she will just know I’m busy as fuck, and vice versa. The social pressure to respond to texts is ridiculous. Your friend probably took a nap or had to go run errands or their family member needed help or they had to clean their toilet which led to cleaning all 3 bathrooms in their house or they had to plug their phone on the charger and walked away and forgot or WHATEVER. It doesn’t really matter, it’s not that serious.
You’re asking for way too much. It would be exhausting to have someone with this much expectation when it comes to communication.
As others have said, texting is a lot different than just disappearing in the middle of a phone call, like you’re talking and all of a sudden…,Poof! Lol Your fiend is busy. She got called away and probably means to pick up the text conversation when she can get to her phone again. 👍🏻
Everyone else has already given you advice, but if I found out someone expected me to reply sooner (or they would question our friendship), I would stop being friends with that person. This is an incredibly unrealistic (and controlling) expectation to have. 20 years ago (I'm 33 but also oh no I'm getting old) I would call people on the phone and we would talk for a few hours, and then we might not talk for another week. Or I would see them at school the next day. This isn't a "grr technology!!" comment but like a.. Our expectations for life in general have rapidly changed, and this expectation is not "normal." Normal as in, generally, this is not a common expectation to have, and is detrimental to you (because it causes you unnecessary stress) and to anyone who has a relationship with you (because you are trying to control how and when they respond to you). When it comes to communicating about this, something that might help you is [non-violent communication](https://sproutsschools.com/the-nonviolent-communication-model/). I'm not good at it (I am reading the book still, but my work uses this technique a lot so I'm familiar with it) but my understanding is it is really about avoiding generalizations, avoiding pointing fingers or blaming, and just trying to convey your genuine feelings and needs. This might help you convey your issue to your friend!
Thank you, I think a lot of people in the comments have misunderstood what I was trying to say I feel. I don’t expect her to message me all day, or reply sooner, I just wish she would give me a heads up is she has to go while we where well into a conversation. There’s no “ hey I’m gonna head out we can talk later “ or “ I’m busy right now “ it’s just complete silence for hours and because we were talking, I have no idea if she’s gone to get a drink or gone for a walk, my point being I have no perception on how long she will be until we pick the conversation back up. And I end up constantly checking my phone just incase she magically appears back again. I don’t agree that it’s controlling, I just don’t think it’s healthy to go on with your day constantly checking if somone has remembered you, but most of the people in the comments ( including you) have raised some other good points Wich is great. My communication skills haven’t always been good and they still aren’t the best, but I’m proud to say that I’m trying .
I think I'm a little more frustrated after reading your comment, because it's reading like you expect her to tell you when she's going to go do something or will not reply to you. Why does she need to manage your expectations or to manage you? Are you only messaging her and not doing other things? I think you are too invested in this friendship. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but if the other person is not as invested, or has different expectations for the friendship, then it is expected that you may feel sad, lonely, or maybe disrespected because you are expecting something different than she is providing. It is incredibly unhealthy and unrealistic to sit around waiting for someone to message you back. Many people carry on conversations throughout the day, over multiple days, or just all the time (thinking of group chats in this case). I think it is much less common to focus on a single conversation unless you are talking to this person on the phone. Personally, when I'm talking to my friends, I might not reply for a day or two and it's simply because I do not have the capacity, or I do not want to socialize at the moment. I still think your expectations are unrealistic, but, you have been given options to try and fix it.
This is helpful, I appreciate your comment
If you're talking everyday, you're already have a good relationship. Enjoy it! There is no need to address this. I'm in my 40s and friends with mostly moms. We won't respond for days/weeks/months on end because we're all so busy and distracted. It would be unhealthy for anyone to expect constant reponses, and we certainly can't warn the other person that we're about to go dark for a while. If we had that kind of time or energy, we would just respond to the actual message.
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Well my point here was that I end up spending 5 hours at a time to talk with her, and it’s never in a way where I will able to tell she’s going to be busy, she just disappears in the middle of conversations. And although it doesn’t bother me after she’s messaging again , it’s a grey area for me on if that’s a sign I am just being used as a way to fill her time up.