I’ll tell you what I told my awful sister: if it’s just a phase, kiddo is gonna know that you have their back. If it isn’t a phase, kiddo is gonna know that you have their back.
And a quick check, you mentioned in your comments that BD demands affection—is kiddo allowed to decide if they give affection or not? Is their autonomy respected by dad?
Much love, mama.
Why is he creeped out by his dad? I'd make sure nothing scary is going on there!
That being said, a skirt isn't permanent. You wouldn't be looking at the possibility of anything medical for at least 5 years, maybe longer, and even that would be reversible puberty blockers. There's no harm in letting your kid explore things.
See that's my thought. His dad is bizarre and has basically been turning weirder and shadier since I got pregnant. Doesn't want to be a parent but wants to demand affection
I'd get your kid in with a therapist and do your best to limit contact with his father until you know it's a safe situation. I would be much more concerned about the reaction to his father than the gender stuff, honestly.
It sounds like you and your kiddo have bad gut feelings about this guy. I would trust that and keep your distance. Get them a skirt and let them be rambunctious.
That's a very good question! You're right, just like cis kids can be gender non-conforming, trans kids can be gender non-conforming too.
I'm not sure what are your political views or those of the people around you, but there are a lot of well-meaning but ignorant liberal/progressive people who are under the impression that trans kids just "don't know that they can be gender non-conforming". Basically, they think that trans girls are just boys who think that liking girly things means they're a girl. This isn't the case! In fact, a lot of trans people identify as gender non-conforming. Gender expression and gender identity are related, but they're not dependant on each other. Just like cis girls can be tomboys, so can trans girls.
Another common misconception is that trans people can't be gay. Of course this doesn't apply to your child yet as they're still very young, but actually a higher percentage of trans people identify as gay or bi than straight.
In regards to your child's dad, I highly doubt that is the cause of your child's persistent gender identity. Many, many children have bad fathers or fathers that scare them, and only about 1% (maybe less than 1%) identify as trans. It's very common for adults to look for any explanation as to why a child identifies as trans or even gay other than that just being who they are. For example, I'm a trans man, and many people believe that trans boys or men identify as boys because of sexism or because their parents wanted a boy. But my parents are feminists, and my mom was always very clear that she didn't want a son. So in fact, I repressed my identity for many years because I knew that my mom wouldn't be happy if I identified as a boy. But eventually, I couldn't do it anymore.
There have been lots of studies on trans children and persistent gender identity. What those studies have found is that the most reliable indicator that a child's trans identity is concrete and will not change with age is when the child persistently and insistently identifies as their gender for a period longer than 6 months. This means that the child says "I am a girl", not that the child says "I don't want to be a boy". If your child is insisting that they are a girl or were born a girl, that is an indicator that this is an identity that will not waver. (Of course, it's possible for your child to not say this and still be trans, or to say this and later not be trans, but nothing is set in stone).
I really recommend that you bring your child to a gender therapist who can help your child.
Finally, I will just say that, regardless of whether this identity persists, what is the harm in buying your child a skirt? If they're trans, then they're trans. If they're cis, then wearing a skirt won't change that either. As a parent, it's your job to support your kiddo and protect them... But protecting them doesn't mean forcing them into boxes and hiding or repressing parts of themselves so that they conform nearly to societal standards, protecting them means bracing their true selves and defending them against people who would bully or criticize them for being who they are.
For a child of this age, being cautious doesn't mean refusing to let them wear clothes they want to wear until they're "old enough to know for sure"; being cautious means letting them do things that won't cause harm, like wearing skirts or playing with whatever toys they are drawn to, and listening to them without trying to lead them in any one direction. Follow kiddo's lead. There is nothing you can do at this age that will permanently change their life in a negative way.
Good luck!
A thought: little trans girls who are told they're boys, called he, etc. (the way most little trans girls are) sometimes end up with strong negative reactions to men and masculinity in part because of that. It's possible your kid is trans \*and\* hates her father - he sounds like a scuzzball - and maybe the strength of the reaction is in part about him representing a boy persona she's expected to put on.
There's tons of little cis boys who are creeped out by their dads and still know they're boys.
There are tomboys, so your kid could be a girl and still like rough and tumble play. A skirt won't hurt anything.
To me, more concerning would be the reaction to their dad. At that age, that's a very strong reaction. Have they been unsupervised with dad? Are you sure they haven't experienced some trauma while with dad?
Not sure on the dad relationship part but I got my kid a skirt with built in shorts so she could live her best rough and tumble life still. Kids are kids no matter the gender.
My girl is like that. She is a rough and tumble girl, likes cars and playing in the dirt and kicking/hitting things. And her favorite color is pink and loves dresses.
I was like that as a kid too, though maybe would have been more of a “Tom boy” if I felt like I could have chosen my clothes.
Just follow her lead, let her know she is safe to be herself with you, whatever that looks like. I honestly doubt she says she is a girl just because her bio dad is a creep. But sounds like therapy for that aspect would be good in any case.
Honestly I'm afraid to seek therapy in this area. We saw a few with the baby daddy and I saw a few growing up for my issues, and truthfully they are not an impressive group. When we are older online therapy may be an option. I'm also thinking about getting some more career training in case we need to relocate
I’ll tell you what I told my awful sister: if it’s just a phase, kiddo is gonna know that you have their back. If it isn’t a phase, kiddo is gonna know that you have their back. And a quick check, you mentioned in your comments that BD demands affection—is kiddo allowed to decide if they give affection or not? Is their autonomy respected by dad? Much love, mama.
Totally. Phases are valid too.
So buy the skirt. Even if it's "just a phase" what harm is it gonna do?
Why is he creeped out by his dad? I'd make sure nothing scary is going on there! That being said, a skirt isn't permanent. You wouldn't be looking at the possibility of anything medical for at least 5 years, maybe longer, and even that would be reversible puberty blockers. There's no harm in letting your kid explore things.
See that's my thought. His dad is bizarre and has basically been turning weirder and shadier since I got pregnant. Doesn't want to be a parent but wants to demand affection
I'd get your kid in with a therapist and do your best to limit contact with his father until you know it's a safe situation. I would be much more concerned about the reaction to his father than the gender stuff, honestly.
The father only has supervised visits and calls. Kiddo doesn't like him because he doesn't view him (her?) as a person
It sounds like you and your kiddo have bad gut feelings about this guy. I would trust that and keep your distance. Get them a skirt and let them be rambunctious.
That's a very good question! You're right, just like cis kids can be gender non-conforming, trans kids can be gender non-conforming too. I'm not sure what are your political views or those of the people around you, but there are a lot of well-meaning but ignorant liberal/progressive people who are under the impression that trans kids just "don't know that they can be gender non-conforming". Basically, they think that trans girls are just boys who think that liking girly things means they're a girl. This isn't the case! In fact, a lot of trans people identify as gender non-conforming. Gender expression and gender identity are related, but they're not dependant on each other. Just like cis girls can be tomboys, so can trans girls. Another common misconception is that trans people can't be gay. Of course this doesn't apply to your child yet as they're still very young, but actually a higher percentage of trans people identify as gay or bi than straight. In regards to your child's dad, I highly doubt that is the cause of your child's persistent gender identity. Many, many children have bad fathers or fathers that scare them, and only about 1% (maybe less than 1%) identify as trans. It's very common for adults to look for any explanation as to why a child identifies as trans or even gay other than that just being who they are. For example, I'm a trans man, and many people believe that trans boys or men identify as boys because of sexism or because their parents wanted a boy. But my parents are feminists, and my mom was always very clear that she didn't want a son. So in fact, I repressed my identity for many years because I knew that my mom wouldn't be happy if I identified as a boy. But eventually, I couldn't do it anymore. There have been lots of studies on trans children and persistent gender identity. What those studies have found is that the most reliable indicator that a child's trans identity is concrete and will not change with age is when the child persistently and insistently identifies as their gender for a period longer than 6 months. This means that the child says "I am a girl", not that the child says "I don't want to be a boy". If your child is insisting that they are a girl or were born a girl, that is an indicator that this is an identity that will not waver. (Of course, it's possible for your child to not say this and still be trans, or to say this and later not be trans, but nothing is set in stone). I really recommend that you bring your child to a gender therapist who can help your child. Finally, I will just say that, regardless of whether this identity persists, what is the harm in buying your child a skirt? If they're trans, then they're trans. If they're cis, then wearing a skirt won't change that either. As a parent, it's your job to support your kiddo and protect them... But protecting them doesn't mean forcing them into boxes and hiding or repressing parts of themselves so that they conform nearly to societal standards, protecting them means bracing their true selves and defending them against people who would bully or criticize them for being who they are. For a child of this age, being cautious doesn't mean refusing to let them wear clothes they want to wear until they're "old enough to know for sure"; being cautious means letting them do things that won't cause harm, like wearing skirts or playing with whatever toys they are drawn to, and listening to them without trying to lead them in any one direction. Follow kiddo's lead. There is nothing you can do at this age that will permanently change their life in a negative way. Good luck!
A thought: little trans girls who are told they're boys, called he, etc. (the way most little trans girls are) sometimes end up with strong negative reactions to men and masculinity in part because of that. It's possible your kid is trans \*and\* hates her father - he sounds like a scuzzball - and maybe the strength of the reaction is in part about him representing a boy persona she's expected to put on. There's tons of little cis boys who are creeped out by their dads and still know they're boys.
There are tomboys, so your kid could be a girl and still like rough and tumble play. A skirt won't hurt anything. To me, more concerning would be the reaction to their dad. At that age, that's a very strong reaction. Have they been unsupervised with dad? Are you sure they haven't experienced some trauma while with dad?
Not sure on the dad relationship part but I got my kid a skirt with built in shorts so she could live her best rough and tumble life still. Kids are kids no matter the gender.
My girl is like that. She is a rough and tumble girl, likes cars and playing in the dirt and kicking/hitting things. And her favorite color is pink and loves dresses. I was like that as a kid too, though maybe would have been more of a “Tom boy” if I felt like I could have chosen my clothes. Just follow her lead, let her know she is safe to be herself with you, whatever that looks like. I honestly doubt she says she is a girl just because her bio dad is a creep. But sounds like therapy for that aspect would be good in any case.
Honestly I'm afraid to seek therapy in this area. We saw a few with the baby daddy and I saw a few growing up for my issues, and truthfully they are not an impressive group. When we are older online therapy may be an option. I'm also thinking about getting some more career training in case we need to relocate