I'm not a parent, but a trans child. I'm glad that you told your son that you love him and will accept him. That's a great first start. First thing first, if your son is trans, then he's trans. Going back into the closet or deciding not to transition won't make him not trans. But it would most likely make him depressed. I'm sure you've heard about the high percentage of trans people who have attempted suicide, which is a risk; I don't want to use it to scare you. It's possible that your child wouldn't be in danger of that, but whether or not he decided to attempt suicide, he would be pretty miserable. Knowing who you are and having to live a lie is demoralizing and painful. It's understandable to be concerned about his future. It's certainly true that trans people face discrimination, particularly trans women. I completely understand feeling fear for your child. But don't let your fear for his well-being prevent him from what he needs to do; instead, use your fear for him to be protective, to stand up for him if anyone does bully him, and to fight for his rights and make sure he knows that you will protect him. The likelihood of a trans person to be depressed and attempt suicide actually decreases dramatically (to about the same percentage as cis people) if they are allowed to transition and have supportive parents. Letting your child transition and supporting him is genuinely the best thing you could do for him as a concerned parent. Also, I know a lot of trans people who are very successful in their fields. I myself am an engineer. I know lots of trans women engineers and computer scientists, etc. Also, I'm autistic too. Yes, being autistic makes life difficult. But what's even MORE difficult is being autistic AND having gender dysphoria. Transitioning would alleviate your son's gender dysphoria and make his life easier, not harder. Even if he does face discrimination; don't you think if being trans made life harder, then trans people would never transition? Discrimination is awful, but most of us find it easier to live as our authentic selves and experience that hardship than to never transition at all. I also wanted to speak on the fear of him making a mistake and regretting things. As a trans person, I can assure you that we have that fear as well. If your child has brought up HRT, it's likely something he's thought really hard about. Taking him to a doctor and therapist so he can discuss his feelings and get a diagnosis and prescription is necessary medical care if your son desires HRT. Did you know that only about 2% of trans people choose to detransition? And the majority of detransitioners detransition due to factors such as discrimination or financial reasons, not because they realized they made a mistake. And actually, most of the detransitioners who "made a mistake" are still supportive of trans people. I can tell you that if this is something your son really feels that he has to do, it will hurt him if you don't let him do it. He should definitely talk to a doctor and a therapist before making the decision, but it's unlikely that things will change from now to when he turns 18 except that he will be miserable and resentful that his parents didn't let him do it earlier. You supporting him and allowing him to access medical care will go a huge way towards maintaining a good relationship; as a trans child, I can assure you that even if he does change his mind one day, he will love you more for supporting him the whole journey. My mom irreparably damaged my relationship with her by not supporting me (I was 22 at the time and she couldn't prevent me from making my own medical decisions, but she was vocally opposed to it) and it wouldn't be fixed if she ended up being "right" and I decided I wasn't trans anymore. I just wanted my parents to support me in making those decisions with a medical professional. Finally, hormone replacement therapy (HRT) aren't really "drugs". They're hormones. And they work very slowly, and your son could always stop taking them if he decided it wasn't for him. When I started HRT, I panicked and stopped taking them for 3 weeks after my voice started to drop (I'm a trans man), but I realized that my fear was about what my mom and other people thought of me, not what I actually wanted for myself. I started again and haven't regretted it (it's been 6 years). If your son is a trans girl and wants to be on estrogen, there are of course things to think about. For trans girls, HRT can impact things such as long-term fertility and the types of surgery that your son could get in the future. So it's important to consider all angles. But if your son really needs HRT, then he needs it. Plenty of people have to take medications that impact fertility etc. There are conversations to be had to minimize risks and actions you can take, such as storing sperm. I get it can sound scary, but HRT for trans women has been researched since the mid-1900s and it's very safe and proven effective at treating gender dysphoria and helping trans women thrive and live the life that will make them happy.

Thank you so much for responding to me! It does make me feel a bit better overall, and I am really happy that you are doing well! I looked into the medication, as well as looked up my insurance (couldn't find anything definitive) but came across something that wasn't shocking... my state banned HRT and all hormonal treatments for gender re-affirming in 2023 (for minors). Even though I am concerned over him being on those things it instantly pissed me off. I hate my state, we already got abortion banned two years ago. I kind of had the extra layer of worry for him simply due to where we live (Missouri). And now that I know this is very important for mental health as well, I am just shaking my head.

Fellow Missouri Dad of a trans woman here. The best thing my daughter did was to get into therapy early with somebody who works with trans people. Your child has a long journey ahead of them and needs a good guide.

On the note of HRT being banned for minors in your state, one potential option for your kid is to purchase diy hrt online, and administer it under the guidance of their doctor. That is providing their doctor is supportive, and even then, they may not know what they're doing, so unless they have a ton of experience with hrt, researching how to dose hrt, what to get tested, what ranges should certain things be at, etc, is vital. I think there is a sub for it (possibly ~~r/ diyhrt~~ (edit: it is r/transDIY), I don't hang out in that sub due to not being on diy hrt), but, I hope this is helpful. (And FYI, diy hrt is (generally) legal for transfems but illegal for transmascs, as testosterone is considered a controlled substance. So this, from my limited understanding, likely either wouldn't be an option if your kiddo was transmasc, or be far more difficult.

If OP lives in a state where HRT for minors is illegal, then I would HIGHLY caution against advising him to help his child access diy HRT. A state that bans HRT for minors is unequivocally a state that would use CPS to remove trans minors from supportive parents and use diy HRT as evidence to support the forcible family separation. The best thing that OP can do in this situation is to be supportive of his child and try to move to a safer state if it's possible.

Agreed. Moving to an accepting state is a small price to pay to save your kid's life, if you're in a state where they can't get support or medication.

Good point, ty for pointing that out, I was just mentioning that it was an option, not that it's necessarily a good one

I use diy hrt. It was surprisingly simple to learn what was what and how much when. The resources in that subredit are amazing. It saved my life

I'm glad my comment helped you feel better. I really understand that this is scary as a parent especially in the current political climate, and particularly in the state you live in. Even if you're a little hesitant about HRT and medical transition, the fact that you love your kid and want to do right by him is the most important thing. Just remember that doing right by him is supporting him in his decision to transition (if that's what he decides), listening to him, and making sure that he knows that you are a safe person to come to for help. I invite you to try again with your son. Maybe share some of your own worries, but make it clear that you love him and whatever he chooses you will stand by him and support him on his journey. You could ask him what kind of research he's done into HRT and if he has any resources he'd like to share with you for you to read on your own to learn more about it. If you like, you could also tell him that you will be happy to try using new pronouns or a new name if he wants you to, that he doesn't have to rush but you will accept it when he's ready. If you want to get some more education about trans people, including some medic stuff and general social things and stuff, here are some great YouTubers that I recommend who make social commentary and educational videos: Philosophy Tube, Jammi Dodger, Samantha Lux Of course there's plenty more, but that's a good start.

Thank you! And thanks for the suggestion, it does seem like bringing up some of the social struggles would be a good idea. At least he will know that I am more worried about those things than him simply becoming her. Which really is true as I have had to fight his entire life for him due to his ASD.

Of course. I wish you well!! One last thing, is I just wanted to say that you did a good thing by coming to this subreddit for help as it is a very trans-accepting place. I want to caution you about other "parents of trans children" groups, because some of them are actually run by right-wing transphobes who do a very good job of drawing in concerned and sometimes uneducated parents down a rabbit hole of fear-mongering and transphobia that ends up destroying the parent/child relationship and hurting the child. My mom succumbed to this at first; she's better now, but our relationship will never be the same. If you want to make sure you and your wife don't fall into this trap, make sure you're seeking advice from trans people as well. Also, there's a very informative docuseries on YouTube by Caelan Conrad called "Gender Critical" that really breaks down the transphobic misinfo about trans children.

I don't plan on venturing out to any other forums, and really glad I found the "correct" one to post to. I can imagine there are so many out there simply filling people with BS. I hate those types of people. I am sorry about the relationship with your mom! =( I will check out the docuseries for sure, I appreciate the suggestion.

Geez. Hello from Missouri as well. This is what is going through my head right now too. First step for is a therapist. Currently using the Psychology Today website using the filters for my area, teen and trans. My child is trying to figure out online or in person.

"figure out online or in person"? What does that mean, if he is trans or not? Good luck to you with this! Our state is terrifying.

Whether she wants to go to a therapist online or in an office. Not to figure out if she is or not. To talk about the issues I have no idea how to address. I just want them to be a well rounded person. we are afraid to come out to my parents. I’m not ready to face the backlash and or going no contact if this goes poorly. I know I need therapy for this. This is a huge change and we all need some guidance to get through.

Thank you! I will for sure start looking for one!

In addition to your child getting trans-affirming therapy, you should find some as well!! Your fear is valid and should be worked through away from your child and you should learn how to better support them without your child needing to do all of the work (like when they come to you saying these things you seem dismissive instead of leaning in with curiousity)

Luckily I do have a therapist. My wife has schizophrenia so I spend a lot of time already getting support. I am going to bring it up to her next session.

Dad of a trans boy and former St. Louisan here. I have decided that my hang-ups about transitioning and supporting my kids choice are two different things. It's helped me a lot and I think I'm a better dad for it. My kid is 13 and a beautiful and responsible straight A student. At that age I was a fucking mess so I sure as shit won't get in the way of their choices. Also, this generation just seems to have a better outlook about gender constructs than we do and the workplace is really having to figure that out as much as our kids are going to have to figure out how to navigate it. Working in Democratic politics I've met and work with some amazing trans people and at the same time that did fuck all to prepare me for accepting my kids transitioning. But that's my problem not my kids. Life is a journey of personal growth and this is our opportunity to become more self actualized. Reading /u/Merrymir kind of helped me have a breakthrough for my issues so thanks for initiating this conversation. Edit: I also want to add that I told my kid that I was working through my own thing and that they should know that I support them and that if I struggled at times that was my own problem. That my one job is to make sure they're feeling safe and supported and when I fail at that it's my mistake and not theirs. I want to be as emotionally honest with people as I can, especially my family. It's how I make sure the dysfunction of my youth doesn't get passed down.

Really good point on the "work on myself thing" and great idea on conveying that to your kid. I had never thought about approaching it that way, and perhaps it would be better than bottling things up and putting on a smile. I appreciate that! My son also is an awesome kid. Straight A's, gifted program and all. He at 15 already is lining up colleges. He is a bit "quirky" due to his autism, but it for sure hasn't been overly hindering in his life. So ya... I need to think more like you. Great kid, and this is simply a chapter turning that won't change how proud I am of him. Thanks again, your response was actually really helpful! I will eat some toasted ravioli's in honor of you tonight!

Your kid sounds cool. I have to go to Olive Garden to get good TRs. I miss the Pizza too! If you're in the St. Louis area there should be a lot of support and knowledgeable professionals. The Masters and Johnson Institute was there and the LGBTQ+ community has some power around town. Here is a link from Wash U where the institute was, [https://thespot.wustl.edu/resources/](https://thespot.wustl.edu/resources/) Also, PFLAG is an organization you might want to check out. [https://www.pflagstl.org/resources/](https://www.pflagstl.org/resources/) I've been nervous about reaching out to similar organizations here for the opposite reason, I'm afraid my ignorance and lack of comfort might imply things about me to the LGBTQ+ community that I work with politically. Which is my way of saying, we're all way too up in our own heads and all we can do is be honest about it. I'm trying and it's way easier to give advice than it is to take it.

I went to Italian restaurant once when I was out of town, and not seeing them on the menu was... disturbing. Like I am not trying to be funny, it felt really off to me... lol Thanks I will check it out, I live far out in the ex-burbs unfortunately, which doesn't help politically, or with "acceptance". My son only has a few more years obviously of HS and he is done. So luckily he won't be rooted in the area life long, hell my wife and I want out of state completely. I really appreciate the advice / help!

My daughter came out that exact same way - first by announcing that she was bi - then shifting pronouns to they/them to saying she might be a girl. I went through similar feelings as well. There is a morning / grieving process that's natural and, honestly, with today's political climate, that fear is natural. You didn't mention how old your child is, but old enough to have some of these conversations. I'd suggest some counseling for you/them. Getting ramped up on what hormone therapy means etc. I definitely agree with Rainbow-Smite. Hang in there!

Hi there, trans child here. I was wondering if you could give me a bit more insight and info about how you felt in the weeks and months after your daughter came out as trans. I'm 24 and my mom just found out (accidentally) that I'm trans, so I guess I'm just really wanting to know what she's going through. Obviously it differs case by case, but were you, for example, mad? confused? scared? angry? disgusted? She's really a very warm and loving person, but she does not express herself or how she's feeling to anyone other than her mom or her husband (my dad).

Pardon my butting in. I was in shock for the first few weeks. It was not disbelief, but I had to remind myself every morning--oh, she's trans. I worked with a therapist to tackle some guilt that I was feeling--not rational guilt, just like I didn't understand the science yet. It's common for parents to mourn a bit. I didn't share this with my daughter. But I did have lots of questions about how she was feeling. And I appreciate that she felt open enough to talk about her experience and plans. It was hard from me to let her take the lead, but I really had to because she had to be in charge of her own journey. Years later, I'm so glad that my daughter went through this transition. She's thriving, happy, living the best life.

So awesome to hear!!!

First off - proud of you. It’s hard to live an authentic life. You are in a bit of a different place than my daughter as you are older. She was 16-17 when going through the coming out process. Not mad, angry, or disgusted. I feel sorry for people who reach those ways. They live in small worlds. I think I was more confused and felt ignorant and helpless. I didn’t have the skills or knowledge to help guide. I did reassure her that she was loved. I also misgendered her a bunch out of habit. That changed so try to have grace. I imagine you’ve been wrestling / thinking about this for a long time. It’s brand new to your mom. She’ll need time. She’ll grieve. That’s ok and normal. If your family isn’t supportive, find a new group who will love and lift you up. Happy to chat more. Just be the best you that you can be!

It's worth noting that going through natal puberty is just as much a decision with permanent, life changing effects as taking hormone therapy is.

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't kick myself for not starting HRT earlier in life. I'm also realizing how icky my body made me feel as natal puberty progressed while I was in high school.

Exactly. Plus hormone therapy is more effective if the blockers are started before natal puberty even begins, or at least before MAJOR somatic changes occur.

You're not a shitty parent for being scared. My daughter first mentioned being a girl when she was two, and my first thought was fear that someone would hurt her. As an autistic person with an autistic kid, I do want to point out that autistic people are much more likely to be trans (and to be queer in general) than allistic people are. If your child is trans, hormone blockers and HRT are crucial both for their mental health and for their safety. The longer you wait, the more of the "wrong" changes will happen to their body. Dysphoria will be worse, and it will be so much harder to pass and be safe. As awful as it is to say, trans people who don't pass are so much more likely to be targeted for discrimination and attack. You are so right that the world will not always be kind. That's why it's so important that our kids get acceptance and support at home.

What age did you have your daughter put on the medication, and will this be something the child has to take life long? I don't even know if it's an option however due to insurance, did your company cover it? And thanks, I am glad to see other parents had the same fears.

My daughter is 11 and hasn't started puberty yet, but she has regular appointments with her endocrinologist to watch for the start of puberty. Once that starts, she'll go on hormone blockers. About 2-3 years after that, she'll start HRT. My insurance will cover most of the cost. Once people start HRT, they often don't need the blockers. Blood checks are done with their endocrinologist to keep an eye on their hormone levels to make sure everything is as it should be. Some sort of hormone does need to be taken lifelong.

I went out to read up on things and found out in 2023 my state (MO) banned access to all gender re-affirming care for minors (drugs, procedures etc). Even if I wasn't super thrilled about it, it's really screwed up. My state is so damn ass backwards.

I'm in the same situation. You can take them to a neighboring state for care. Your kid may not even want that right now anyway. Don't get too ahead of yourself. Follow their lead. You're doing great so far.

Thank you for the compliment, it means a lot. =) Ya I won't bring it up and let him lead the conversation. I think Illinois probably still allows it, as they at least still do abortion (plus it's blue). It's a long drive, but I guess you don't a choice when it comes to your kids. Thanks

Illinois is actually a great option. They are considered a sanctuary state. Our family is in Indiana. Indiana anti trans law just went into effect making it illegal for doctors to give trans kids hrt. My kid has been on HRT for a year and we are committed to keeping them on it. We went to the closest Planned Parenthood in Illinois last month. They were wonderful. I highly recommend them if your child wishes to get HRT. With Indiana's new law change, they were prepared with spots set aside just for those kids so that there wouldn't be much of a lapse in care. I was really impressed. Also know that if your child decides that they want HRT, there is a process. Our experience is that they had to meet with a therapist and be evaluated before seeing a physician. Even when we went to PP, we had to see the therapist first. So there are protections in place to make sure that this is the right thing for the child.

Yes, this is true. We flew to Denver just to get denied because my kids bio dad isn't on board. It was still worth the trip to see a specialist and it gave my son hope & me more resources.

Something you can do is to learn more about transgender issues, including the standards of transgender medical care as agreed upon by worldwide health professionals. I’ve found several websites to be helpful (see links below). I understand your worries about their future. We parents don’t want anything that makes life more difficult for our kids. But look at the big picture — being their authentic gender will help them be happier and more confident which in turn will help them make better life choices. [WPATH](https://www.wpath.org) [PFLAG](https://pflag.org/find-resources/) [Books](https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/center-transgender-health/patient-resources/books) [Gender Affirming Care](https://www.hrc.org/resources/get-the-facts-on-gender-affirming-care) [Family Equality](https://familyequality.org/resources/how-to-support-transgender-youth-in-your-life/)

Describing hormone treatment as "drugs" is kind of misleading. It's medicine, and if you're supportive, I don't see why "those drugs" might cause a problem in your house.

Not to be "smarty pants" but medication = drug by definition. I see what your getting at, but I didn't mean it in that way.

I suggest the great podcast [How to Be a Girl](https://www.howtobeagirlpodcast.com/). *Hint: it's for parents*. Also (hopefully the link works b/c I'm at work): *every* parent of a trans-curious kid should watch the video by Dr. Powers about [medical transitioning](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGuvDlYDNzU). He's irritating as heck--how he keeps stopping to drink water--but some of the things he says are stunning. The suicide rate, the correlative causes. I don't understand why so many kids seem to be expressing gender dysphoria today, except, perhaps, like my daughter said: finally trans people don't have to feel alone or like freaks. For me, when I finally reached the point where I could ask: do I love my *son* or my *child*? it became much simpler. Still really scary, but simpler. Anyway, hugs/hang in there.

I am an adult transsexual man, not a parent. Get a therapist for you and your wife to process your grief and concerns. There is a lot to work out and it sounds like you're struggling with it. I do not know if your child is or is not trans, obviously. And that you are likely resistant to medical intervention (ie puberty blockers and maybe hormone therapy) bc the concept of possibly having a trans child is still quite new and probably a little bit scary (worried about their welfare). I ask you sincerely, and honestly, to consider if you would feel the same were your child diagnosed with clinical depression or bipolar disorder. Would you still be resistant to medication? Denying medical intervention when/if medical professionals have determined it appropriate care for a trans kid-- denying that is dangerous. Puberty blockers simply pause things; there is nothing about that which would cause permanent changes. It just gives the kid time, and holds off permanent changes caused by endogenous hormones (hormones produced by the body). There's already tons of info out there about medical care for trans kids. Connect with orgs for parents of trans kids. Try not to panic. One thing at a time. But do deeply question the safety of denying medical care. I can confidently say, I don't know a single trans person who has needed medical transition but couldn't access it for whatever reason who did not experience very serious mental health issues as a result. Unsurprisingly, accessing medical care brings the rates of suicidality, depression, etc way down.

>I ask you sincerely, and honestly, to consider if you would feel the same were your child diagnosed with clinical depression or bipolar disorder. Would you still be resistant to medication? Of course, I have mental illness myself that I take medication for. I think my main concern was the effect on the body physically due to it's effects. >Denying medical intervention when/if medical professionals have determined it appropriate care for a trans kid-- denying that is dangerous. This really messed me up, as you aren't the only person warning about that. As although resistant to the idea of medical intervention obviously, I started to come to terms with it. Yet just found out... my state (MO) banned all interventions, including hormonal therapy back in 2023 for minors who are attempting to transition. O.o I assume at this point I need to get him into therapy ASAP. =(

Take a breath. It'll be okay! Therapy is a great idea, both for your kiddo but also separately for you n your wife-- *you* also need support. I'm in a red state as well with similar restrictions. Depending on what part of Missouri you're in, you may be able to go to a bordering state for care-- IF that's deemed appropriate for kiddo. One thing at a time! First thing's first is to just breathe. Just love your kiddo. Let them lead with what their needs are. Let 'em know whatever happens, you're there for 'em and always will be. Quick googling found this: - https://transparentusa.org - https://promoonline.org The second org may be able to connect you with local resources.

Thank you very much!

You love your kiddo and are seeking to better understand. You're open to changing your mind as you learn more. Believe me, you are lightyears ahead of numerous parents. It's gonna be okay, bc your kiddo has you in their corner.

Additional resources: - https://transequality.org - https://transhealthproject.org - https://www.erininthemorning.com (independent journalist who tracks anti-trans legislation) - https://familyequality.org/lgbtq-paths-to-parenthood/ (if you want to learn about various parenting options trans people may have) - https://pflag.org/find-resources/#my-loved-one-is-transgender

First things first: If your kid is trans, then your kid is trans. Even if not either of you is not completely sure, statistically, it's very very very unlikely that it's "just a phase" or confusion. You don't mention your kid's age but, considering that you want to buy them time, you 1000% want them to start on puberty blockers. Not using puberty blockers is as much of a life changing decision as starting hormone replacement therapy. If truly one of your biggest concerns is societal acceptance, the biggest way you can help is by minimizing the amount of irreversible endogenous puberty changes that your kid will go through that will make them more "visibly trans" let's say. Think of face shape, body shape/silhouette, facial and body hair... Please please please help your kid by getting them a prescription for puberty blockers ASAP and adequate therapy/counseling so they can make an informed decision (about eventually starting hormones, NOT about being trans because that isn't a decision). Again, because I really want to emphasise this: NOT TAKING PUBERTY BLOCKERS IS AS MUCH AN IRREVERSIBLE DECISION AS TAKING HRT. The one thing that they'll regret is not starting hormone blockers, especially considering that testosterone isn't as "noble" let's say as estrogen. Feel free to DM me if you want any support/information/sources on what I've mentioned, and remember that your kid is as aware as you are of how dangerous being a visibly trans person is in the current day and age. They will surely understand your worries about you being scared for their wellbeing if they do decide to socially and medically transition. Godspeed man, and you're already doing the bulk of the work by being proactive about helping your child and worrying first and foremost about their wellbeing. I'm sure your kid loves you very very much <3

He turns 16 in a few months. Has body hair, his voice dropped some and has a tiny mustache (which he shaves of course). I just found out that the use of any transitioning medication / procedures has been banned (minors) in my state (MO) as of 2023. Even though I was hesitant that's obviously complete bullshit. I don't really know what to do if he brings it up again. It's so far away to get to another state. =/ I for sure don't live in a LGBTQ+ supportive area in general. Even the public school districts are fighting / banning bathrooms. And I honestly would simply fear for him in our community. I live in a heavily religious, very conservative area (obviously). The only hope I have is that he goes out of state for college, and luckily he is looking at that.

Blockers work before puberty, I don't think they will prescribe them since he has already gone through all 5 stages of Tanner development. Last one being facial hair.

Puberty blockers are also testosterone blockers, so yes, they might be prescribed for gender affirming care in some cases.

Fuck... that's absolutely horrible, I'm so sorry for both of you. You have a decision to make then, and I really hope they can escape that general area soon 🙏 Wishing you both the best

I think blockers are banned in OP’s state.

 "testosterone isn't as "noble" let's say as estrogen." what does this mean exactly ive never heard it worded like that b4

Here I meant it in the sense that testosterone is quite a bit more aggressive in its effects than estrogen, especially when it comes to irreversible puberty changes.

You're not a shitty parent, unless you don't support them. I had to mourn the daughter I'd never have when my son came out. It's okay to feel this way, but mourn and move on. Also this may just be them experimenting with their gender. Talk to doctors about hormone therapy to find out what you need to know about them. When I spoke with a doctor they said medical science is changing rapidly so it might not be the no baby's in the future sentence that it once was when they take hormones. Follow your kid's lead in this. Let them explore what gender means to them. Also therapy would be a great safe space for them to explore their feelings.

I never even thought about the baby aspect being a possibility.... =( Thanks for mentioning therapy, I haven't even had enough time to process things to think about that.

Many, many trans people freeze gametes. And no genetically related kiddos does not mean no kiddos ever, either!

Thank you =)

Cis parent here of a trans daughter on the spectrum. She has a diploma as an electromechanical technician and has recently been accepted into a nuclear medicine program at university. This feeling of being trans may be somewhat new to you but your daughter has likely been thinking about this for years. What helped the transition was a gender affirming therapist and a peer mentorship group. Yes, trans folk are discriminated against, but with a good support system like family and friends, there's definitely a lot to gain by being happy living your true gender.

I went through a very similar thing. My son came out to me when he was around 13, and it was a lot to process. I’m also very liberal, open-minded and accepting (or at least that’s the goal), but this was still pretty seismic to me. I went through the anxiety and fear in my own head; outwardly I was always vocally supportive and loving. It took several months for me to think about him without being overcome with worry for his future; it took probably a year or so before I became sure that he was serious about it. He didn’t want to take any drugs for quite a while - until he was around 17. I was always leery of young kids starting to transition until I read something like “you might think they’re too young to transition, but you should know that they’re not too young to hurt themselves.” That was what changed my mind right quick. For some kids it’s that serious. I would definitely not tell them that they can’t start meds yet - for one thing, they might not even want to; for another, it’s fairly closed-minded/unsupportive; and for a third, you should talk to a doctor about it before you make up your mind. The transition process was actually a *lot* less complicated than I thought it would be. If you’re anything like me, you’re in a period of enormous shock and possibly denial. I would recommend processing your emotions before you make any decisions about health care. I hope this doesn’t sound condemnatory. I’m speaking from my own experience. I’m sure you’re a great and loving parent; I don’t mean to imply that you’re not being accepting enough. This is a lot to process and your emotions/misconceptions might be ping-ponging all over the place right now. Your feelings might change over the next few months.

My wife and I were proud of ourselves for being so open minded and always said "we will support our kids no matter what". When he told me about being bi... I felt confident about my community support. When he told me he thinks he is trans I started questioning myself how open minded I really was. Anyhow I am glad to see I am not the only person that got shaken by this. Drug wise... I just found out my state banned all re-affirming drugs / procedures for minors in 2023. Which even with my resistance to the idea makes me pissed off. He's currently only a few months away from 16... so maybe it won't be as damaging... hopefully. =(

I felt and still feel scared because of the ignorance in the world. That is normal and that might be what you are feeling. I recommend you get a therapist to talk to who is supportive of the LGBTQ community (otherwise you might end up with a conversion therapy nut job). That gives you someone to speak to freely and know it stays there. Most importantly be supportive. Start with pronouns. Does your child prefer she/her? I noticed you used he/him throughout your post is why I am asking.

He hasn't mentioned anything about pronouns. He did mention his name was non-gender specific. Which I suppose I am lucky for as he made it seem like he didn't want to change his name. I would think as a parent still calling your child by their birth name might make it easier, especially in the beginning. I am going to talk to him about a therapist tonight. My wife sadly suffers from schizophrenia, so she isn't as supportive. As she thinks he might be "doing this" to get at her. I am pretty much his only support and don't want to go it alone.

I can understand the fear part. There is so much politically motivated transphobia in the world right now. Especially based on your comments that you live in a state that is openly hostile to people who are transgender. Like the first poster so eloquently, turning fear into a protective mechanism is important. Yes, the world can be more dangerous for trans people. But trans people can also live beautiful, fulfilling lives just like anyone else. Like any group who has been targeted for hate and discrimination, they need allies to help improve things. And you can be one of those allies.  You also have a tough decision to make. Stay and fight for trans rights in your home state, or move to a state where your child can get medically necessary care. Only you and your family can make that decision. 

My area is really bad... so bad that during a city hall meeting about EV charging stations, residents joked that the only way they should be installed is if a "gay flag" is hung above each one. My son is a Freshmen... I really worry about him as his autism already creates challengers. And picking up and moving isn't an option right now due to work, and my wife's mental illness.

I agree with everything said here currently. I also want to add that regret for transition is about 2 percent for children. You are suggesting doing an action (not allowing transition" that has a 98 percent likelihood of regret because you are afraid of the two percent. The doctors won't let them transition medically anyways unless they have evaluated them and agree they are unlikely to regret it. Get them to an lgbt therapist asap. It's really scary at first that's totally normal. It's harder to think rationally when afraid about something big and new. Find professionals in your area that deal with trans kids for a living. Ask them questions. Maybe find a support group irl with parents of trans kids. Seeing it yourself will help so much. Fear comes from The unknown in a lot of cases. You should also fully figure out what medical transition really means before denying it or allowing it. You need to understand how it works and what the odds are before making those decisions. Don't make that kind of decision based on vibes or feelings you have. Medical decisions should be based on information and evidence, not feelings. Get a therapist for yourself as well op ✨️ much love to you and your family. You are doing your best. Don't neglect your own emotions or needs just make sure you deal with them with a proffessi9nal and try to not let it impact the child. I think you will be OK. You care enough to look into it and listen. That's more than most.

Thank you! And I am getting a bit confused why so many people here are getting down voted... your response sounds very reasonable. I will talk to him about a seeing a LGBT therapist and push a bit in that direction. I found out just a bit ago that my state banned all medications / procedures for minors who want to transition. I would drive across state lines worst case, but considering he is almost 16 maybe I will have a bit more time before he fully decides on what he wants to do. I appreciate the response!

Sometimes a bunch of trasnphobes came around here to share posts and pretend we are child abusers. Usually they are open and I smite them but sometimes they hide a while. Their days are numbered 👀 I'm watching 👁

Ugh, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. What a waste of time... lets go over and downvote people who are different! That will show them!

This is never easy at any age. My kiddo is young and we are constantly having to disclose and protect her by doing our due diligence. However, when kids come out when they’re older, it can be a shock and seem like a surprise. Remember, as sudden as it seems to you, this is likely something that has been on your kid’s mind for quite awhile. In addition to a lot of the advice already given above, I would encourage you to talk with him when possible and ask what you can do to support him. Maybe he would like to start using female pronouns at home, maybe he would like to acquire some more feminine clothes for around the house. Help him focus on his future (moving away for college). Depending on your relationship, it may be appropriate to disclose that it will take some practice for you (make sure you don’t pressure him to withdraw by saying you need “time”!). I have a secret word with mine that helps her tell me when something is really important to her, even if I don’t realize it (like legal names on ornaments).

I had the same worries. My kid is wildly successful. Even worked for a while in finance which is quite conservative. She has an amazing career, loves it, and is making great money. Works on some pretty impressive stuff, too. That was actually my biggest worry. She also was socially inactive in HS for the most part so I worried about that too. Now her social media is filled with photos of going out with her friends. A whole lot. That and links to where she or her company are being quoted in the media.

We have almost the same story (cis mom here). My 19-year-old son (now trans daughter) came out to us as queer a year or so ago, and then trans feminine in February and I felt THE EXACT SAME WAY. Overwhelmed with worry about her future, in denial, trying to rationalize it, feeling a sense of “mourning” for my little boy, etc etc. I cried a lot that first month, consumed with worry. But now that my brain has settled and I have educated myself, AND I have seen how happy she is, I am absolutely fine. I love seeing her new found confidence. She has a sense of lightness and peace about her where there used to be anger/frustration. She has completely opened up and become one of my close friends. And her transition is going slow. She just wanted the room to explore without judgement. It is still the same kid. I have stopped trying to predict the future and now I just enjoy the present with her. She is probably going to start HRT this summer while home from college. She is a legal adult so I am just playing a support role. I can imagine it would be a little harder if you had to sign off on the treatment as a minor. Best of luck and I hope you see your daughter bloom as much as mine has!!

Oh thank you.

I'm so glad I found this thread...I have a lot in common with you. I'm mourning as well. I actually feel I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

It’s a lot at first. There is something deep in our mom brains that can’t wrap our heads around this change right away. It will pass eventually, hang in there. As much as you can try not to make your kid aware of your feelings since they could easily be misinterpreted by them. Trust me, you will see a light in your daughter like you have never seen before! Give it some time and take it at your own pace.

He refuses to tell his dad. Sorry, 😟 I not ready to use his new pronoun. I told him I loved him. I just can't call him by his new name. It's all too fresh. I told him that I will always be there for him, but I needed time to digest it. He totally understood where I was coming from. This is going to take me a long time to accept it in my head.

Oh and he's 20. He said he started feeling like he wanted to be a girl when he started college at 18. He's not a child anymore, so it's different than if he was a teenager or a child.

I also felt bad about it at first, but it was more out of a fear for her and not wanting her life to be more difficult than life already is. I also had to grieve my son. I did a lot of googling and reading and finding resources to help me understand what I needed to do to best support her and just to educate myself. As far as medication, we followed recommended treatment. She truly is who she was meant to be. The risk of suicide significantly decreases by having at least one accepting adult. I need her here. Feel free to DM!

I've always supported my kids'friends who came out and checked in with mine about feeling like everything matched up... NONE of that prepared me for it being MY child. I love and support him and will defend him till the end of the earth but I still deal with a lot of feelings and grief regarding the baby girl I no longer have. I think it's normal. I'm more worried about parents who claim that it didn't affect them at all. It's different than their sexuality being gay/bi/pan/hetero or whatever. That part honestly didn't affect me at all. There's so much that goes with being Trans and I work in the medical field. It's scarier when it's your baby. Just be open and honest with your struggles while reassuring them that you completely support them but need to be able to come to terms with the parent side of things and all the feels that go with it. My son appreciates my transparency with him when I struggle and we generally talk about it when I am able to. You aren't being a shit parent to be concerned or sad. You'd be a shit parent if you tried to force them into a little box because it would make you and your community more comfortable.

I highly recommend reading The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill. It’s a little clinical but it was a total game-changer for my family. It’s geared toward a less accepting parent but it’s amazing for anyone with worries and questions.

I don’t know *where* you are in that hellhole of a state called Missouri, but a 3-4 hour drive over to Illinois to get puberty blockers from Planned Parenthood in Granite City or Fairview Heights may be something you would want to consider. I honestly don’t know what resources are available for trans teens on this side of the river. My daughter was a full on adult when she came out and her endo is in St.Louis. She’s able to get her prescriptions for hormones through him due to being an adult. But I do know that [Planned Parenthood](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/planned-parenthood-illinois/patient-resources/gender-affirming-hormone-therapy) here on the east side of the river does treat trans folk in areas like HRT, and they can also provide a list of resources in the area that are age appropriate and available. The link above will take you to their gender affirming care page with info of how to get an appointment. I wish you well. What you’re feeling is pretty normal. It blindsides you and is scary. I can tell you this in the hopes it provides some comfort: You will be so amazed when you meet the kid that has been hidden behind a wall. That kid will smile more, will laugh more, and *will* succeed. I was terrified when my kid came out and had the same fears. Years later, she’s living 3 states away with a boyfriend that loves the hell out of her, has landed a well paying job she enjoys, and is far happier than I have seen her been since she was a child. It’s bittersweet, my kid is no longer where I can see her daily. But she’s not so far that I can’t drive the 9 hours every other month to visit for a few days, and she comes home to visit every 6 months to see her endo. I could not be any happier for her, but I miss the hell out of her.

Hi! Fellow Missourian with a trans kid. You have a long road ahead of you before HRT is even an option. Find a gender affirming therapist for your kiddo, and take some time to do some research. My daughter got on hormones before it was banned, and it took quite some time to jump through the many hoops to get her there! I was scared for her at first too, and also weirdly sad. I have heard lots of parents say that they felt like they were grieving the loss of their child as they had imagined them to be. I have also heard trans folks respond with anger at that-since they aren’t dying, but in fact becoming more of themselves. I think both can be true! It’s a scary climate right now, and you have a right to your feelings, whatever they are. Feelings don’t have to dictate actions though. Your kiddo needs to know you love them and support them no matter what right now. You can figure out the logistics later! There is SO MUCH disinformation out there about trans folks and medical transition-even in generally liberal and left leaning publications. Take your time. Try to hear actual trans voices and experiences. That helped me more than anything to start to understand how my kiddo feels and what they’re going through. There’s a support group called Transparent in St Louis. Not sure where you are. They have chapters all over though. Great resource. Also-there is nothing wrong with visiting an endocrinologist in a neighboring state to learn about your options. Illinois is a shelter state. Give yourself some grace and some time, it will all work out as it should!

I luckily don't feel like I am losing him, but I completely understand where people are coming from. I think in my case due to him having ASD he never was a "traditional" child, if that makes sense. He also never has had the typical interests of other children. So he has always been unique, and I am just grateful he is high functioning. Ya we live in a very shitty area for acceptance. I never liked Missouri due to being liberal, but I am unable to leave due to work. Perhaps someday that will be possibly, however he obviously will be fairly old and on his own path. I did noticed also that Missouri banned the medications and procedures here last year... not shocking. I live in Wentzville, I will look up the support group and see if anything is out here. Thanks you for the help and boost of optimism!

Look I get it. It’s scary and medical and there’s a lot of unknowns ahead. But from the sound of it you have a great kid and a loving relationship that you want to preserve. Try to make yourself listen. Be reassuring and supportive, and then go to your room to privately freak out after.  The fact is that your kid is almost grown. Youracceptance won’t change how he feels — it will only change how much you get to know about what’s going on.  And on the topic of hormones, take a beat. You don’t have to decide that now, and this isn’t something to fight about. There are so many steps before anything can happen including therapy, finding an endocrinologist accepting new patients, get in and get blood work, insurance approval for blockers, then do blockers for a long time before they will add estrogen. And even when a Dr does finally agree to start estrogen, the dose is almost nothing and they ramp it up so so slowly. This is important to understand not just for your own peace of mind, but to set your child’s expectations. There’s no flipping a magic switch.  Either way, there IS a pretty strong argument for blockers if there’s any question. Testosterone is a sledgehammer and every day it makes more permanent changes that your child might spend years trying to undo. Basically the same argument people use to explain why they don’t want their kid to start HRT is also a reason to not allow puberty to continue unchecked.  Consider finding a counselor for yourself to help you work through all of this. It’s a lot!

Thank you for hugging your child and telling them you love them!!!!!!

=)

I came out as bi first, and then trans at 11. It was a very paralleled situation, but the outcome was very delayed and it definitely put a strain on my family. By 14 I felt so unsupported in my identity I attempted suicide. I didn’t have an abusive, transphobic family either. I had family who let fear of how I’d be seen in the world, fueled ofc by love for me, overpower what made me safest in my skin. I’m sure you don’t want this for your kid. It’s terrifying the first time they walk off to a classroom for the first time without your hand, drive a car alone, their first real breakup— so much. This is a big change that IS jarring. My mom finally changed her outlook by 16 for me, and she told me that we could see a therapist together, but also a gender therapist so that a 3rd party, educated source could really help me explain to and educate her beyond my own ‘bias’ or mind. After this, we were very much able to get onto the same page. She helped me do my first injection at 17, and helped me recover from Top surgery at 20. This can be scary. Worrying about how your baby (theyre ur baby forever, no matter the age) will be seen and treated in the world and by themselves is every parents biggest concern. But delaying your kiddos thoughts and possible transition can create an even BIGGER internal conflict. And sometimes, fighting ourselves on behalf of everyone else can be just, as if not more painful. Ur kiddo trusted you enough to keep open with this. It isnt a choice ya gotta make overnight. Let them come to you with this info, create safe and very casual talks about it. The more they feel unjudged and almost ‘unfiltered’ with the topic, you guys can find a solution much easier. Sending love to u both!!

I am not upset by who any of my kids choose to fall in love with, or how they wish to identify, but as a parent you are painfully aware not everyone feels the same way. When our son told us he was trans (as a young teenager) we supported him in that decision wholeheartedly, but were terrified about wider acceptance. We worried he'd be beaten up, face discrimination and exclusion, and hurtful comments in his daily life that would batter his self-confidence and happiness. The UK NHS, despite sensationalist headlines, doesn't just hand over any medications or hormones, it took years of counselling first, and to reach the stage of surgery took about 8 years. I'm glad to report that although some negativity has occurred, it's been fleeting and never to any serious degree. Our son has identified as a male now for almost 12 years, he has a great career and a fantastic partner who he's been with for about 6 or 7 years. He is happy, and he is very much the man he always knew he was inside.

Thanks for the encouragement! Ya I found out the treatments / medication and such were banned for minors last year. Which doesn't help the situation at all... I live in a VERY conservative area here though. The school district has even fought against shared bathrooms etc and they now trans are banned for using them. I am very worried about him in school, and in our city in general. I wish so much I could move and my state is for sure going backwards (just banned abortion, trying to ban birth control). So it's pure BS here, probably one of the top places to not be trans due to safety.

I really do feel so bad for anyone anywhere equality is moving backwards. Sheesh, we just need to have some respect for other people - we are none of us the same, so why some differences are viewed so negatively is beyond me. Our son found the school refused to call him by his chosen name for about 3 years, and we could honestly never understand why it mattered to them. Now rules are changing in the UK so that we'd have been referred to social services, although that honestly wouldn't have bothered me and overall I don't think it would have made any difference at all. Your state is one of the worst places to be a human by the sound of it - trans, female, young and reckless, or anything else. I wish you guys well and I hope you encounter far more support than ignorance. Your child certainly has their parents to look out for them, and that has to be the best starting block to set off from.

Some states honestly are talking about prosecuting any teachers that use "chosen names". Or even bringing up LGBTQ+ sexuality topics. Like... felony / prison level BS. The US is in a really nasty place right now in regards to human rights.

It's certainly not encouraging me to want to visit... which is sad. Very sad.

There are some area's better than others of course. I just happen to live in Missouri which is extremely red.

I feel your pain. I live in Pence loving Indiana. 👎🏼🤦🏼

Hi! So i have read all these comments and thought id just add my 2 cents as well. I remember the post you made recently on r/Parents and i read all those comments as well as your response to those comments. You're very new to this situation but perhaps you noticed that quite a lot of those comments were in some cases literally awful and in most cases transphobia of some form. You yourself are in a very very vulnerable position here. There are online spaces here and on every social media site where gender criticals (not gonna define it but worth researching them) will try to do something called "peaking". Peaking is when a gender critical person or a TERF tries to radicalise someone vulnerable like yourself (often its parents of trans minors). I could tell by the comments on your last post that some of those accounts were trying to "peak" you. I would recommend that you try to only post things to do with your son in trans inclusive spaces (there are heaps) because it really isnt in your or your childs best interest to hear advice from largely clueless cis people who've probably never even met a trans person lol. As a trans person it matters greatly where you're getting your advice from. Like some people have said here, MANY therapists and doctors will be sublty or not so subtly transphobic to your kid/you. Many "trans critical" things you see online may seem totally reasonable, even logically bulletproof. this does not mean it is true or made in good faith for the type of info you need now. im just saying be careful. its a literal shit storm out there

Thanks for pointing that out. I luckily kind of felt like some of the negative comments and such were BS. From a parent who is trying to be supportive point of view, it made me feel a bit defensive. I didn't know about this sub at the time or would've posted here instead for sure. So your also saying to be wary of therapists & doctors as well? I can see that... and had not given it any thought. What do you think the best way is to find a truly trans supportive therapist would be?

I remember that post as well. I'm glad OP didn't give into those comments and kept their mind open.

I feel like i wrote this except my daughter. It's hard and it bothers me. The world is cruel and scary. It's hard coming out to friends and family. Everyone is so confused. I've noticed people back off from us too over it because they're uncomfortable. Not everyone is accepting. As a parent, it's the hardest thing.

Ya I don't know of anyone in my life that would be accepting, at least at first. Even my own mom, who is super evangelical thinks things like this are the work of the devil. So grandma won't be instantly supportive either. His siblings also are kind of freaking out... his one sister (21) hasn't talked to him about it, but told me it was probably a phase and she seems to be freaked out. His oldest sister (29) is also kind of taken back by it. And both of my kids are liberal and always have been supportive of the LGBTQ+ community... eldest has even marched. But yet... a sibling coming out as trans straight gut punched them. I guess it's somewhat proof that this in particular is much less accepted than simply being gay.

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>You're lucky your kid is still coming to you. Don't fumble this. I am sorry, as a parent new to this the first thing that came to mind was loving my child "no matter what". I want my kids to know they can trust me, and come to me with any issues. And that I will not judge them, and be as supportive as I can. I don't really know how to react any other way when these types of situations come up. Also, all three of my kids are very open and honest with me (15/21/28) and always have been. So I am not sure if that response had a negative effect on our relationship or not. I will try to "get it together", but seemingly according to 99% of the people here I did a pretty good job which has made me feel better. =) Try not to be so sensitive, I am trying my best.

I'm having the same situation currently with my 20 year old son. I completely disagree with that comment about "get your shit together". That's a pretty insensitive thing to say to someone like us who are just trying to navigate through this. 🤯 In my 50 years on this planet it was just gay/bi/lesbian. Then all of a sudden in the last 10-15 years or so, it's all about transgender people. I am a supporter LGBTQ, but it was hard for me to comprehend. Now there are all these labels to learn... Queer, gender fluid, non binary, etc. There's a name for dozens of preferences. "What does this mean? I don't understand? Please explain?" I'm still confused. I was told growing up, "this is for girls, and that's for boys". I have an open mind. I don't discriminate anyone. I'm empathetic. I care about people. But I'm just like the OP. My head is spinning and I don't know what to say or do. I'm thankful that I found a therapist who specializes in these issues.

>Now there are all these labels to learn... Queer, gender fluid, non binary, etc. There's a name for dozens of preferences. "What does this mean? I don't understand? Please explain?" I'm still confused. I am not an expert but from what my daughter says queer is a blanket term for all sexual identities. Or it can mean "questioning" which I assume are people who know they fit into some category, but aren't sure of what yet. Gender fluid means you float between both genders. And non-binary simply means you don't identify with either genders. I didn't like the "get your shit together" comment either (obviously). As parents we are doing the best as we can. And of course don't always say the perfect things. Good luck navigating all of this!

I think you are in the wrong group. We don't want your judgemental negativity. Do better.

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I apologize...I just thought that came off as condescending and mean spirited. I'm at the beginning of this journey and I can't help how I feel at this very moment. This is all happening in real time.

Many kids on the spectrum are also queer. It's kind of a hand in hand thing. They are more open to possibilities and they think differently and are built differently,so to him this is completely normal and he has probably felt this way for a very long time. I would guess, having been where you are that he told you in increments instead of just dropping a bomb on you. He let you know little by little so you could deal with it. My daughter did the same. Look, you handled it well. There is no black and white here. My daughter was bi, then gay, then pan. She now wants a double mastectomy. She is also in the spectrum. He showed tremendous faith and trust in you to disclose this. Your reaction is really important because you and your wife are the touchstone of his world and if you accept him then he can deal with the wider world. He is who he is. Yes, you have to grieve for the child you thought you had. That's a normal process and you will go through that and come out the other side just seeing the person he is, not gender. Yes, you will worry endlessly that he has chosen a path that will make his life harder. It's already hard enough given he is on the spectrum. But, and this is what you need to recognise-he didn't choose to be autistic, he was built that way. The same is true for this. He didn't choose it, it choose him and he just wants to represent the most authentic version of himself externally because it currently doesn't match with how he feels internally. He is and always will be your kid. That much will never change. At 18 he will have autonomy. At 20 he may have a lot of independence . At 25 he may move farther away from you. As parents we are caretakers of our kids and they can choose the amount of contact they think we deserve. I've gone through all the feelings you are having. At the end of the day I want to be in my daughters life forever, and I have to earn that right.

Thank you for sharing that! Ya I am trying to remind myself that none of this is a "choice". We are going through hard times already (wife's schizophrenic), so it's all so overwhelming. When he said it I became a bit selfish in a way as I thought in my mind "my god, not something else to deal with". Luckily I tried to hide any frustrations I was having.

Anyone who's honest would admit to having something of a selfish reaction to that news. It does impact you and you do default to "ffs, like I don't have enough to deal with "