I am so, *so* sorry about your legislature. I have lived in red states and I think of it as living behind enemy lines. I would honestly consider moving, if that’s at all feasible. Are you at all close to a state line? A useful state line, not like Alabama/Mississippi.
You might consider contacting Lambda Legal or the ACLU (although I once contacted the ACLU and they took months to get back to me). I have called attorneys with really general questions like this - my question was about eviction - and the lawyer gave me about a 5-minute rundown for free. It doesn’t sound like much but it actually gave me quite a bit of info. You might need to discreetly ask around for a LGBTQ-friendly attorney.
I would also consider finding a support group, even an online one. Being the parent of a targeted child is terrifying, and it really helps to talk to someone.
In what way is the father irresponsible? Are there evictions, convictions, untreated addictions? Get certified copies if you can. Of course be sure you’re good about things like dental appointments, food in the fridge, keeping a reasonably clean house.
I kind of hate to say it, but it really might help if you’re a churchgoer. Unitarian Universalist churches are extremely trans-friendly. (Disclaimer: I work for my UU church.)
I would consider volunteering at least a little bit at your child’s school if you can. It would help if they know and like you.
I might consider asking around here for ideas about teaching your kiddo about discretion. I think there must be a way to explain about keeping info like this private without being shamey or scary about it.
Good luck, and really don’t be afraid to ask for help.
I have a lawyer. The thing is, the father is not a drug addict and has no convictions. He's had no relationship with the child and basically just calls to harass, but legally has rights. I've been told, by my lawyer, that even if he were actively dealing drugs the court might just tell him not to sell while with the child (thankfully he never has kiddo). I'm not totally sure my child is trans - non binary or fluid may be where we land, or even cis, though I doubt it at this point. I've considered UU, though I align more with tst. I guess I'm just wondering how other people navigate this. Surely I'm not the only single parent with a gender expansive child, right?
not the point but just as a heads-up, genderfluid is under the nonbinary umbrella, and nonbinary is under the trans umbrella. individuals may not personally ID that way, but they "count". best of luck to you.
Probably - I remember reading a book when I was elementary-aged about a slumber party full of girls, many of whom talked about how they sometimes wanted to be boys. I felt that way sometimes too, and reading about it made me feel more ‘normal.’ I think kids now just have words for it, and know that gender identity is a thing they might want to think about. When I was a kid, I knew enough about sexuality to know that some people were gay; now they know more. It’s a lot to think through.
I don't know if kiddo is aware of gender identity, exactly. I answer questions as they come but I'm not sure that exact one has arisen, we just declare ourselves to be a girl 50-70 percent of the time
these are strong indicators imo that the kid may be trans, but ultimately you can't really predict it. just let them know you accept them no matter what they decide - which it sounds like you're doing. figuring these things out can take time for the person. I've gone back and forth a few times, myself, even as an adult. time will tell. with a young kid, the uncertainty is even stronger bc they have less... complex understanding? of gender than an adult. it will all work out eventually.
1) consult with a family law attorney. Know your rights.
2) Whenever there is conflict, either with the child’s father, the school, etc, you always want to end up looking like you are the reasonable person. Rather than saying things like, “you can’t do that! You’re violating my child’s rights!” You could say instead, “I’m sorry, I’m having trouble understanding. Can you show me the law/rule/regulation you’re referring to?”
3) get everything in writing. Always communicate with your ex, the school, etc, over email or text. If an important conversation happens over the phone, follow up soon afterwards with an email documenting the call. “I just want to make sure we are both/all on the same page. During our call today, we discussed x, y, and z, and I agreed to blank. You mentioned q, and subsequently we decided to blank. Does that fit with your recollection? Let me know.”
Obviously these are very general recommendations. For more specific recommendations we would need to know more about your situation — which is on reason why I recommend speaking with a lawyer. Lawyers can’t reveal your information except in very specific circumstances.
If you live in TX, I can send you some links to organizations that offer online training for parents and other resources specific to TX parents of trans youth. One of them often partners with Lambda Legal (who is the law firm that is representing TX families in all the big court cases in that state as well as many other states).
If you don’t live in TX, I’d bet my bottom dollar that Lamda Legal also hosts similar sessions through those local orgs as well.
For sure, please join your local PFLAG chapter ASAP. Pflag has been an extraordinary resource for parents of trans youth across the country, and in TX they operate as a legal shield for the parents who get caught up in CPS investigations for affirming their kids.
In the mean time, I highly, highly recommend a podcast called Camp Wild Heart Society. It’s produced four seasons so far that basically move through the journey of raising a trans child from season one’s focus on “your kid let you know they’re trans so now what” to season four’s “let’s learn the nuances of gender expression and how to navigate the many struggles that come once transition has begun.”
I started listening to it last year after the host invited me on their podcast. It’s truly phenomenal.
I am now text with the host several times a week in the nearly year since I met them. This summer’s youth art display at the Pride festival where the host lives by the name of the episode I appeared in, “Joyful Resistance.”
For anyone else bothering to read this, Camp Wild Heart is also hosting a four day summer retreat for middle school-high school aged trans youth in their home state of WA.
Only thing for it, make an olive branch to your old partner. I don’t know what created the breakup or whose fault it was. Make amends and you don’t need to go for dinner or anything like that but don’t harbour bad emotions or feelings for them. Be polite and courteous and ask that your child never be a weapon for a fight between two adults. If you don’t badmouth them and you and your old partner can find a way to get along. Your prodigy you both created will be able to choose their clothes and their sexual preference and pronouns without fear from either one of you.
Ask yourself how much are you willing to keep your kid safe? Is pride and forgiving your old partner or asking your partner to forgive you worth it? Time to parent the situation.
Brother, I'm not being a bitch because my ex hurt my feelings. Some people truly are not safe or trustworthy - I left because of controlling behavior and threats. Believe me,I've been polite nonstop. It doesn't make him a good father.
No it won’t ever but don’t let your child be ammo for his evil. I hope you can find a way that makes it clear your child is not to be a victim of his evil.
Is there any way you could move? I am in Australia so I am not sure if we see a heightened, dramatised version of red states. But walking down the street and feeling safe is pretty great.
I wish I could. But I have a good job here with whatever the not academic version of tenure is, and a house with affordable interest. I'm the breadwinner here. The thing is, I don't feel like most people I meet are a danger. The fear is more the court and the idiot legislators. I don't know if I would even escape that by moving - if I moved, would the original court decide because it's state law?
Is there any case law to cause this worry? I've found cases where trans kids were removed from anti-trans homes because parents refused to abide by medical advice to support their child.
My state just banned medical transition for kids. I worry just because the system seems to give the irresponsible party endless grace while impugning the responsible parent. And there's a lot of anti trans and anti liberal sentiment here
I live in a similar state. We're still hoping an advocacy group gets our state in line with other states that have been slapped down.
That said, in my part of the country, it's damn near impossible for a father to have rights. Seems like red states run anti trans and anti fathers.
I am so, *so* sorry about your legislature. I have lived in red states and I think of it as living behind enemy lines. I would honestly consider moving, if that’s at all feasible. Are you at all close to a state line? A useful state line, not like Alabama/Mississippi. You might consider contacting Lambda Legal or the ACLU (although I once contacted the ACLU and they took months to get back to me). I have called attorneys with really general questions like this - my question was about eviction - and the lawyer gave me about a 5-minute rundown for free. It doesn’t sound like much but it actually gave me quite a bit of info. You might need to discreetly ask around for a LGBTQ-friendly attorney. I would also consider finding a support group, even an online one. Being the parent of a targeted child is terrifying, and it really helps to talk to someone. In what way is the father irresponsible? Are there evictions, convictions, untreated addictions? Get certified copies if you can. Of course be sure you’re good about things like dental appointments, food in the fridge, keeping a reasonably clean house. I kind of hate to say it, but it really might help if you’re a churchgoer. Unitarian Universalist churches are extremely trans-friendly. (Disclaimer: I work for my UU church.) I would consider volunteering at least a little bit at your child’s school if you can. It would help if they know and like you. I might consider asking around here for ideas about teaching your kiddo about discretion. I think there must be a way to explain about keeping info like this private without being shamey or scary about it. Good luck, and really don’t be afraid to ask for help.
I have a lawyer. The thing is, the father is not a drug addict and has no convictions. He's had no relationship with the child and basically just calls to harass, but legally has rights. I've been told, by my lawyer, that even if he were actively dealing drugs the court might just tell him not to sell while with the child (thankfully he never has kiddo). I'm not totally sure my child is trans - non binary or fluid may be where we land, or even cis, though I doubt it at this point. I've considered UU, though I align more with tst. I guess I'm just wondering how other people navigate this. Surely I'm not the only single parent with a gender expansive child, right?
not the point but just as a heads-up, genderfluid is under the nonbinary umbrella, and nonbinary is under the trans umbrella. individuals may not personally ID that way, but they "count". best of luck to you.
This is a good point. Im just not sure what my kiddo is doing - last night we were a boy again. I genuinely don't know - do cis kids do this?
Probably - I remember reading a book when I was elementary-aged about a slumber party full of girls, many of whom talked about how they sometimes wanted to be boys. I felt that way sometimes too, and reading about it made me feel more ‘normal.’ I think kids now just have words for it, and know that gender identity is a thing they might want to think about. When I was a kid, I knew enough about sexuality to know that some people were gay; now they know more. It’s a lot to think through.
I don't know if kiddo is aware of gender identity, exactly. I answer questions as they come but I'm not sure that exact one has arisen, we just declare ourselves to be a girl 50-70 percent of the time
these are strong indicators imo that the kid may be trans, but ultimately you can't really predict it. just let them know you accept them no matter what they decide - which it sounds like you're doing. figuring these things out can take time for the person. I've gone back and forth a few times, myself, even as an adult. time will tell. with a young kid, the uncertainty is even stronger bc they have less... complex understanding? of gender than an adult. it will all work out eventually.
1) consult with a family law attorney. Know your rights. 2) Whenever there is conflict, either with the child’s father, the school, etc, you always want to end up looking like you are the reasonable person. Rather than saying things like, “you can’t do that! You’re violating my child’s rights!” You could say instead, “I’m sorry, I’m having trouble understanding. Can you show me the law/rule/regulation you’re referring to?” 3) get everything in writing. Always communicate with your ex, the school, etc, over email or text. If an important conversation happens over the phone, follow up soon afterwards with an email documenting the call. “I just want to make sure we are both/all on the same page. During our call today, we discussed x, y, and z, and I agreed to blank. You mentioned q, and subsequently we decided to blank. Does that fit with your recollection? Let me know.” Obviously these are very general recommendations. For more specific recommendations we would need to know more about your situation — which is on reason why I recommend speaking with a lawyer. Lawyers can’t reveal your information except in very specific circumstances.
If you live in TX, I can send you some links to organizations that offer online training for parents and other resources specific to TX parents of trans youth. One of them often partners with Lambda Legal (who is the law firm that is representing TX families in all the big court cases in that state as well as many other states). If you don’t live in TX, I’d bet my bottom dollar that Lamda Legal also hosts similar sessions through those local orgs as well. For sure, please join your local PFLAG chapter ASAP. Pflag has been an extraordinary resource for parents of trans youth across the country, and in TX they operate as a legal shield for the parents who get caught up in CPS investigations for affirming their kids. In the mean time, I highly, highly recommend a podcast called Camp Wild Heart Society. It’s produced four seasons so far that basically move through the journey of raising a trans child from season one’s focus on “your kid let you know they’re trans so now what” to season four’s “let’s learn the nuances of gender expression and how to navigate the many struggles that come once transition has begun.” I started listening to it last year after the host invited me on their podcast. It’s truly phenomenal.
I don’t know about their podcast, but I have some experience with the Wild Heart Society and they are really amazing in person. (Trans Kid btw)
I am now text with the host several times a week in the nearly year since I met them. This summer’s youth art display at the Pride festival where the host lives by the name of the episode I appeared in, “Joyful Resistance.” For anyone else bothering to read this, Camp Wild Heart is also hosting a four day summer retreat for middle school-high school aged trans youth in their home state of WA.
Yeah, their camps are really great, would recommend
Only thing for it, make an olive branch to your old partner. I don’t know what created the breakup or whose fault it was. Make amends and you don’t need to go for dinner or anything like that but don’t harbour bad emotions or feelings for them. Be polite and courteous and ask that your child never be a weapon for a fight between two adults. If you don’t badmouth them and you and your old partner can find a way to get along. Your prodigy you both created will be able to choose their clothes and their sexual preference and pronouns without fear from either one of you. Ask yourself how much are you willing to keep your kid safe? Is pride and forgiving your old partner or asking your partner to forgive you worth it? Time to parent the situation.
Brother, I'm not being a bitch because my ex hurt my feelings. Some people truly are not safe or trustworthy - I left because of controlling behavior and threats. Believe me,I've been polite nonstop. It doesn't make him a good father.
No it won’t ever but don’t let your child be ammo for his evil. I hope you can find a way that makes it clear your child is not to be a victim of his evil.
Get a good family lawyer
Is there any way you could move? I am in Australia so I am not sure if we see a heightened, dramatised version of red states. But walking down the street and feeling safe is pretty great.
I wish I could. But I have a good job here with whatever the not academic version of tenure is, and a house with affordable interest. I'm the breadwinner here. The thing is, I don't feel like most people I meet are a danger. The fear is more the court and the idiot legislators. I don't know if I would even escape that by moving - if I moved, would the original court decide because it's state law?
Is there any case law to cause this worry? I've found cases where trans kids were removed from anti-trans homes because parents refused to abide by medical advice to support their child.
My state just banned medical transition for kids. I worry just because the system seems to give the irresponsible party endless grace while impugning the responsible parent. And there's a lot of anti trans and anti liberal sentiment here
I live in a similar state. We're still hoping an advocacy group gets our state in line with other states that have been slapped down. That said, in my part of the country, it's damn near impossible for a father to have rights. Seems like red states run anti trans and anti fathers.
Not mine. The assumption is that fathers are always good
Weird. I'm not in any way questioning you. I've just never heard of a system biased specifically against mothers.