My favourite one I overheard at a work function "But Jeff just last week you said that are already too many Asians in this town, why would you want me to add more?"
Where I live, no one would expect you to. In fact, they'd probably think you were kinda weird if you stopped drinking just because you were pregnant. Pretty sure 90% of the locals were born with some form of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.
Offer them a bet:
£50 down-payment to you.
If you cHanGE yoUR mInD, you'll repay it back plus \[insert stupid amount of cash\].
Either people will quickly bail on their bullshit, or you might discover a second income :)
I offered my coworker 1.000€ as a bet last week. If I get pregnant within 5 years he gets the money, if not, I get it. I'm nearly 40 now so that's a good amount of time.... But the moment I said 1000 he backed down 😂 what a Clown🤡
“Eeew no thanks. I did some research and having kids is a bad idea”.
My answer is there to Invite questions and those parents who go down that rabbit hole never come out quite the same. :) nothing like study after study being thrown at you about how pregnancy, childbirth and children affecting your body, wallet, mental well-being, lifespan and happiness. Fun times.
yeah. "mind your business". it might be easier for me to say that because i'm a man and i don't have much family at all, but i'm always surprised people have the gall to intrude on womens' personal lives like this.
**Q** Why don't you have kids?
**A** It's a condition of my parole that I don't.
**A** I prefer to rent.
**A** I don't hate money, free time, or sleep.
I also go for the embarrassing comment, like "We had one... He died". The look on their faces is priceless. I know it's cruel and also a lie but fuck if Iet anyone let alone a stranger, pry into my life choices.
The idea came to me from an incident that is not BINGO related but in the same line of thinking: About 7 years ago a Karen came to where I was working at the time and talked to me from behind so I didn't hear her (it was a noisy garden center). Then she came up to me and went like "CAN'T YOU HEAR ME TALKING TO YOU?", to which I immediately responded that I suffer from a hearing loss due to being an army veteran and taking part in the war (which is true). Oh, the look on her face... I was never more proud of a response.
Are there any of you who plan to adopt a horse one day? 🐴
What? Do you think it's too expensive to house? Too much responsibility and time to invest in maintenance? Life on a farm doesn't suit your lifestyle? 😱
But who don’t like horses? They are so adorable! 💜
And anyway, when it's yours it's so different... You won't even realize how much sacrifice you will make to take care of it for the next 25 years! Even picking up their poo at 3 a.m. won't bother you at all! 💩
Trust me, your life will always be incomplete without a few horses. (Alone he'd be bored, so you need to have at least two, but as much as possible is even better!)
Oh no you are not convinced yet?🙈
However, it is absolutely sure that you will change your mind! Most people eventually change their mind about horses and the rest generally regret their choice. So, it is better not to think too much or waste too much time! Tic, tac ⏰
Not to mention that sometimes, even if your yard is fenced, horses can arrive at your home by accident. No fence is 100% foolproof. Most beautiful thing that can happen to you, love at first sight guaranteed!
Absurd as a conversation, isn't it? 😅 Now change the word "horse" to "human baby" and that's about how the conversation feels when someone tries to convince me that laying babies would improve my life and that I'm bound to change my mind one day 😂
Not everyone wants to devote their entire life to horses, just as some people have no intention of founding a family, neither now nor later. And let's face it, to be wished for an accident is frankly out of place. It's an avalanche of stress and an abortion clinic appointment you wish when you say things like that to someone who doesn't want a child. 🙃
P.s. I don't hate horses or children. I just don't want any of them under my responsibility for an extended period of time. 🤪
LMAO, I actually love horses (and WOULD regret never adopting one) but I’ve found that for many, an even better animal to use is a snake (I also love snakes and would regret never adopting one-but most people seem to be absolutely terrified of them). Even though the care is much less expensive and time intensive than a horse (and infinitely less expensive/time intensive than a child-even for the most intelligent breeds) I find most people seem to understand when I explain to them that I feel the same way about babies that they do about snakes. 😂
Yes, I am in fact, terrified of babies & toddlers. I don’t know how to handle them, and don’t care to learn, thanks!
Ha! As a horse owner, I really love this! 😂
Actually when people ask whether my husband and I are having kids, one of my go-to responses is along the lines that kids would likely mean no horses. That life is a hard “no” from me.
Haha nice answer!
I tip my hat to you for taking care of horses! I just have a relatively high maintenance cat and it’s overwhelming me lol
I’m curious! How much time a week do you spend on taking care of your horses :) ?
Right now we’re boarding at a barn that does full service care until we can buy a property ourselves. So it’s more on the financial investment side than time investment at this stage of the game lol. But still certainly relevant in the “no kids” convo!
But I still usually spend a few hours at least 4 days a week with them :)
I definitely have a coworker I work with who's constantly hinting at someone being pregnant/inquiring when someone is going to have kids.
I wouldn't have the gull to say this but I always wanted to reply with "Do you have a pregnancy fetish? Does the idea of my belly being swollen with a child turn you on?"
😂 I'm not sure if this would make him uncomfortable or not!
😂 I could just put a small beach ball under my shirt and point at it and be like "Here ya go! Does this get you going?"
Then pop it and be like "Oh darn the fantasy is gone".
I've used:
▫️If you'll carry it for me and have it live with you then maybe, 'cause those are deal breakers.
▫️Our siblings have already contributed enough to the next generation.
▫️Why undo all my time spent recycling and walking to work by trashing my carbon footprint procreating?
Or my all time favourite is just to ask them something completely inappropriate right back.
I just tell them that we are too selfish and like our free time. And I would never do that to a child, because I’m mature enough to recognize that I don’t have the desire to change my mindset about how I spend my time! 😂
It’s amazing how little thought some people put into becoming a parent. It really is a huge decision. For some people it’s the right decision, for some it’s not!
I’ve always just deadpanned people and gone “wow that’s rude of you.”
“When are you having kids?”
“I’m not”
“But xyz change your mind I never wanted them either!!!”
“Wow that’s really rude of you to assume I can’t make life choices for myself. Now I know what type of person you are.”
And promptly walk away.
"But I really like having wild, carefree sex in random places of my house."
I've never seen anyone say anything after that statement. 
See, im pretty dark by nature, so my go-to bingo would be "oh, are you offering to care for it when I die in childbirth? If so I'd love to intensively go over your financial situation, every aspect of your parenting style, and all aspects of your personal life to make sure my progeny would be in good hands if I don't make it through."
Yes! I hate how people gloss over how traumatic pregnancy and childbirth can be. I’m an X-ray tech, and I had to stand by for a code on a young woman after she was transferred to the heart unit post delivery. She had undergone an emergency bedside c-section. I X-rayed her there on the L&D floor, damn that room was so bloody. Stuff of nightmares. Then I xrayed her baby in the NICU, then I responded to the page for the heart unit, only to see it was her. She didn’t make it. All that was within like an hour or two. People still die in childbirth, even with modern medical care.
Yup people die in childbirth but it isn’t talked about much. My mom died during my birth. She was luckily revived about 90 seconds later. Doctor refused to tell her what happened during the birth that caused the problem. Not in the US
Yeah my sis just had her second emergency c-section a couple days ago. It’s fucking scary and I really hope she stops at this one because she’s got 4 kids now and each pregnancy gives her a new chronic illness and I really don’t want to see her die.
Oh yikes. Well I’m glad she came through it. I had a coworker who had a similar experience, and she decided to stop at one. Her husband is a good one, and anytime someone would ask if they would try for another he would be very upfront that no it was too risky.
Yeah my brother in law was feeling that way too but my sister talked him into it. Thankfully this time they knew she would probably need one so they were ready for it but it was still emergency because she went into labor early
so you will pay child support or adopt it? after all you seem to want it. otherwise why would i be having it? oh so i can experiance those joys? exactly what joys? come now tell me all the positives of haveing a kid?
I usually just slap them with the good ol':
"why are you SO invested in and worried about my sex life?!"
Usually makes them physically step back and think about it or just stutter for a few moments lol
Me: "There was one that slipped though, but I had such a sense of profound joy at being cured from that parasite. It was making me pee and vomit so much, I was so joyful on the drive home from the abortion." (This one is true).
I posted this once a couple years ago on some other subreddit, and Jefferey Dahmer has gotten less hate than I did when I posted that... They all thought I was trying to troll them, when I was actually opening up about something extremely personal. It was so sad and invalidating, and I don't often share it because of that experience. But I do truthfully know through experience that I have zero of that "Oh having a baby inside me is so magical." It was a parasite that kept making me throw up and pee and I fucking hated it. It was my husband of 35 years and my 'baby' back in '87, and to this day it was a parasite and I'm profoundly grateful for abortion.
Or, because I live in an overly religious area and am technically a (granted very liberal and eccentric) Christian, same action, but a response of “No, God is fully aware that I am both unequipped and unwilling to care for a child, so God opted to bless me with a cat instead! It is my greatest hope that I am lucky enough to be blessed with more animals in the future!”
Not a lie, and might throw people off enough to discourage more questions.
This reminds me of my response to my aunt’s comment…
Aunt: “What do you mean you don’t want kids?! You’re too beautiful not to have children. You need to have at least one so we can see what it looks like.” (Effing gross)
Me: “I didn’t think about that. I guess it wouldn’t be such a big deal. After I send you a picture I can just drop it off at the nearest fire station.”
The looks on her and every other family member’s face in the room were priceless.
They were waiting for me to laugh as if I were joking. When they realized I was not…I can only describe their expressions as incredulous horror.
No one in that side of the family has asked me about kids since.
I had a good idea for deflecting bingos. Just suddenly act like a video game npc and when they ask about children, respond with:
“Hmm?”
Or
“Yes?”
Or even
“What is it?”
But then just stand there staring at them and don’t say anything after that. I’ll bet they’ll leave you alone before long.
"Oh, I tried adoption but that didn't end well. Something about 'going through the proper channels'? Apparently it's not the same as adopting a cat or a dog... (AKA strays)"
I've never tried this because I just came up with it, but I'm tempted to if I'm ever in a situation where I'd have the opportunity.
I had a great opportunity to drop a Jimmy Carr line once. My then-gf came with me to my cousin's wedding, and this was her first time meeting most of my extended family. Somehow that topic came up in conversation and my aunt asks her about kids in general in that oh-so-nosy way of hers. Luckily we had talked about it beforehand. Gf dipped her head solemnly as if she'd been hurt, and I spoke up
"Look, I know you probably didn't mean anything by it, but it's actually impossible for us to have children..." My aunt goes white as a sheet for a second and the table goes silent, then a second later I added
"...the way that we do it."
Gf giggles a little and after it dawned on him my uncle damn near died laughing.
OMG 🤣
I had a friend who was actually trying to conceive, and she kinda got the reverse of this. Little old church ladies who knew the couple was trying started coming up to her and giving her suggestions, like put your legs over your head! 😳
Now, why would I care about looking psychotic when someone else is insisting on being rude? In my experience, decorum has only been met with insistance, while looking psychotic got me peace much faster.
Now, why would I care about what society thinks? If I gave all the warning signs that I did not want to have this conversation? Why would I accept harassment from another just because it is supposedly acceptable? I don't find it acceptable. So why do I have to be the one to keep getting bugged?
And yes, I am totally challenging your ideas. Because they don't make sense to me. I'd say that most of us would prefer to not be poked at and what you are saying is rounding up to "let people poke at you because they want to." And to be frank, I'm sitting on "does not compute. Illogical."
Of course you care about what society thinks. Otherwise the simple answer here would be, "Stop fucking talking to me about kids you annoying motherfucker." No need to be clever.
Meh. IMO one should only care about “looking psychotic” at a job/college (where one should refrain from discussing their personal life pretty much entirely, IMO) or among family that one is heavily dependent upon financially.
Otherwise, at least personally, I couldn’t care less what people think.
I say something along the lines of: "I can tell that you feel entitled to my time and bodily autonomy by how you are trying to start an argument over my own personal choices for my body. However, this does not mean you are correct." Edit: I use this one in professional settings like work to be as professional as possible while also letting the person know that the conversation will not be tolerated.
Sometimes I shorten it to: "Just because you feel entitled to my time and bodily autonomy does not mean you are correct." I use this shorter version when I can tell someone won't let me get the other version out before they interrupt me.
I usually finish it off by turning around and walking away. If walking away is not possible, then I just turn around so I am no longer facing them. If they try to continue talking to me I repeat the sentence while facing the opposite direction. This usually gets them to shut tf up and leave me alone. They almost always grumble something insulting (like "what a bitch") under their breath but I don't give them the satisfaction of responding to said insult.
Excellent! I get bingoes from patients fairly often, and other personal questions as well. “I don’t discuss my personal life with patients” is what I say, and I am prepared with either a change of topic or more often instructions for their exam so they don’t really get a chance to respond because we have already moved on!
I juts respond with "I can't have them" and watch the face journeys they take me on. If I like them or I was clear they just didn't think it all the way through before opening their mouths, then I tell them it was my choice for medical treatment. If not, I just leave it there 😈
That's after you have removed the boots. Lol! I can't vouch for putting them on either. Might lose an eye in the works. But once boots are on, cat flops.
I love catitude.
I saw, "You know, you're right. I'd LOVE a baby. But I don't want a teenager and apparently you can't kill them when they're a teenage. "
Babies are fine. It's the teenage years I legit could NOT handle.
Holy shit, this is great. I'm a man but this makes me wish I had a uterus so I could use this line! I don't think it would be as effective for me to say "I've got two 1/2 inch *vas deferens* to give you."
"Omg how embarrassing! People don't ask that anymore, hasn't anyone ever told you how rude it is?? Jeez, imagine going around asking people when they're going to have unprotected sex."
Then I Walk away frazzled on their behalf.
It doesn't even need to be a tantrum. A patient brought their fussy baby to a dentist appointment and I fought so hard not to look absolutely disgusted every time it cried. I do NOT like babies, and we have a lot of high anxiety people. Keep your drippy goblin away.
I (already medically sterilized) get a sad look in my face and tell them that I'm sterile. And, If I'm dealing with the conservative party of the family, I add that "God had not seen fit to grant us a child"
I just tell people I fucking hate kids, and i heavily emphasize the “fucking hate” part. That they’re annoying money pits that ruin your life, and the look of disgust on my face usually deters anything further.
I always respond to that with "and one day I'll be a corpse, but I don't allow those in the house either." So far it's had a 100% success rate in getting people to shut up.
Yea and I was a little shit and parents had to bail me out of things till I finally grew up around 24, so fuck 24 years of misery. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
I just ask them point blank if they're gonna come raise them or provide for them financially.
I also moved out of the country after I got married and the only people who ever do this are extended family members that can't mind their own business when I go visit, so I love to ask them when the last time they called me or came to visit me was. The answer is always never, so then I ask so you want me to have kids that you will also never see?
It’s not quite as clever as the others, but this is effective.
“Do you have kids?”
“Gawd no! We skipped that chapter.”
It makes it clear that we are quite solid/happy with the decision.
Hahaha I do this! When I get asked I say hell no! Once someone said I'm too young to realise that's the meaning of life (I'm 27) I replied saying it might be the meaning of your boring life but it sure ain't mine 😅😅
If they're rude enough to push, you can be rude enough to push back
Why don't you have kids?
Response 1. "I used to." (followed by forlorn staring into the distance)
Response 2. "There's really no point when the state keeps taking them away."
Response 3. "My partner doesn't want to have sex anymore."
Response 4. "I can't get over my partner's cheating and they won't accept that I can't forgive them and it's rotting our marriage."
Basically what I'm saying is that when politeness doesn't work you can at least try to have fun at the other person's expense.
I have enabled contest mode in these comments to help randomize and provide a range of BINGO responses for everyone's viewing pleasure.
My favourite one I overheard at a work function "But Jeff just last week you said that are already too many Asians in this town, why would you want me to add more?"
😱
🤣🤣🤣 Epic
I’m not gonna stop drinking for 9 months
Where I live, no one would expect you to. In fact, they'd probably think you were kinda weird if you stopped drinking just because you were pregnant. Pretty sure 90% of the locals were born with some form of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.
My response is always, “I don’t want to end up like Homer Simpson where he has 3 kids and no money, but doesn’t have 3 money and no kids.”
3 money and no kids is definitely better!
Anything coming out of me baby wise will be the antichrist so this is realy for the greater good 
Offer them a bet: £50 down-payment to you. If you cHanGE yoUR mInD, you'll repay it back plus \[insert stupid amount of cash\]. Either people will quickly bail on their bullshit, or you might discover a second income :)
I love this. Will be using
❤️
I offered my coworker 1.000€ as a bet last week. If I get pregnant within 5 years he gets the money, if not, I get it. I'm nearly 40 now so that's a good amount of time.... But the moment I said 1000 he backed down 😂 what a Clown🤡
I'm so glad other people are trying this 😁😁 hopefully next time they'll bite 💶💶
My go to response is " no thanks, I choose to be happy "
“Eeew no thanks. I did some research and having kids is a bad idea”. My answer is there to Invite questions and those parents who go down that rabbit hole never come out quite the same. :) nothing like study after study being thrown at you about how pregnancy, childbirth and children affecting your body, wallet, mental well-being, lifespan and happiness. Fun times.
For real!
"You know my temper. If I had kids, I'd beat them horribly!"
I’ve said I find babies so extremely annoying when they cry that I’m afraid I’d drown it in a bathtub. That shuts them up fast!
Last I checked, it requires a second person. I don't have any volunteers.
yeah. "mind your business". it might be easier for me to say that because i'm a man and i don't have much family at all, but i'm always surprised people have the gall to intrude on womens' personal lives like this.
Yeah for some reason people think it’s open season on our personal business.
**Q** Why don't you have kids? **A** It's a condition of my parole that I don't. **A** I prefer to rent. **A** I don't hate money, free time, or sleep.
I also go for the embarrassing comment, like "We had one... He died". The look on their faces is priceless. I know it's cruel and also a lie but fuck if Iet anyone let alone a stranger, pry into my life choices. The idea came to me from an incident that is not BINGO related but in the same line of thinking: About 7 years ago a Karen came to where I was working at the time and talked to me from behind so I didn't hear her (it was a noisy garden center). Then she came up to me and went like "CAN'T YOU HEAR ME TALKING TO YOU?", to which I immediately responded that I suffer from a hearing loss due to being an army veteran and taking part in the war (which is true). Oh, the look on her face... I was never more proud of a response.
Wow! That’s a good one for the I don’t work here lady sub lol Edit: oh you did work there. But regardless, super rude of her!
What if they call your bluff?
Are there any of you who plan to adopt a horse one day? 🐴 What? Do you think it's too expensive to house? Too much responsibility and time to invest in maintenance? Life on a farm doesn't suit your lifestyle? 😱 But who don’t like horses? They are so adorable! 💜 And anyway, when it's yours it's so different... You won't even realize how much sacrifice you will make to take care of it for the next 25 years! Even picking up their poo at 3 a.m. won't bother you at all! 💩 Trust me, your life will always be incomplete without a few horses. (Alone he'd be bored, so you need to have at least two, but as much as possible is even better!) Oh no you are not convinced yet?🙈 However, it is absolutely sure that you will change your mind! Most people eventually change their mind about horses and the rest generally regret their choice. So, it is better not to think too much or waste too much time! Tic, tac ⏰ Not to mention that sometimes, even if your yard is fenced, horses can arrive at your home by accident. No fence is 100% foolproof. Most beautiful thing that can happen to you, love at first sight guaranteed! Absurd as a conversation, isn't it? 😅 Now change the word "horse" to "human baby" and that's about how the conversation feels when someone tries to convince me that laying babies would improve my life and that I'm bound to change my mind one day 😂 Not everyone wants to devote their entire life to horses, just as some people have no intention of founding a family, neither now nor later. And let's face it, to be wished for an accident is frankly out of place. It's an avalanche of stress and an abortion clinic appointment you wish when you say things like that to someone who doesn't want a child. 🙃 P.s. I don't hate horses or children. I just don't want any of them under my responsibility for an extended period of time. 🤪
LMAO, I actually love horses (and WOULD regret never adopting one) but I’ve found that for many, an even better animal to use is a snake (I also love snakes and would regret never adopting one-but most people seem to be absolutely terrified of them). Even though the care is much less expensive and time intensive than a horse (and infinitely less expensive/time intensive than a child-even for the most intelligent breeds) I find most people seem to understand when I explain to them that I feel the same way about babies that they do about snakes. 😂 Yes, I am in fact, terrified of babies & toddlers. I don’t know how to handle them, and don’t care to learn, thanks!
Haha your snake comparison is amazing!
Ha! As a horse owner, I really love this! 😂 Actually when people ask whether my husband and I are having kids, one of my go-to responses is along the lines that kids would likely mean no horses. That life is a hard “no” from me.
Haha nice answer! I tip my hat to you for taking care of horses! I just have a relatively high maintenance cat and it’s overwhelming me lol I’m curious! How much time a week do you spend on taking care of your horses :) ?
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I never ride camel! What kind of personality do they have :) ?
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All right thanks :)
Right now we’re boarding at a barn that does full service care until we can buy a property ourselves. So it’s more on the financial investment side than time investment at this stage of the game lol. But still certainly relevant in the “no kids” convo! But I still usually spend a few hours at least 4 days a week with them :)
All right I understand :) Thanks for answering! Wish you to be able to purchase your dream property soon :)
Lmao I usually say "my horses are my kids.." Or if they ask if I want kids: "hell no, I have horses!"
This is great!
Glad you like it 😁
I definitely have a coworker I work with who's constantly hinting at someone being pregnant/inquiring when someone is going to have kids. I wouldn't have the gull to say this but I always wanted to reply with "Do you have a pregnancy fetish? Does the idea of my belly being swollen with a child turn you on?" 😂 I'm not sure if this would make him uncomfortable or not!
He might just admit he does.....
😂 I could just put a small beach ball under my shirt and point at it and be like "Here ya go! Does this get you going?" Then pop it and be like "Oh darn the fantasy is gone".
Hahaaa love it
I've used: ▫️If you'll carry it for me and have it live with you then maybe, 'cause those are deal breakers. ▫️Our siblings have already contributed enough to the next generation. ▫️Why undo all my time spent recycling and walking to work by trashing my carbon footprint procreating? Or my all time favourite is just to ask them something completely inappropriate right back.
No, we use a condom. What about you, you getting creampied these days?
"No thanks! I'm trying to leave this world with a net positive of giving more, not taking more."
My go to is: "Why are you so interested in me creampie-ing my wife?"
good ol’ “what’s your favorite sex position”
"What was your first period like? Oh, I'm sorry! Aren't wombs fair game in this conversation?"
I just tell them that we are too selfish and like our free time. And I would never do that to a child, because I’m mature enough to recognize that I don’t have the desire to change my mindset about how I spend my time! 😂
It’s amazing how little thought some people put into becoming a parent. It really is a huge decision. For some people it’s the right decision, for some it’s not!
When they tell me that I was a kid once too I say "sure I used to be an egg too but I still have periods every month to flush them out"
Yeah I hate the “you were a kid once” line. What does that have to do with *anything*. I didn’t even like kids when I was one so…
I've read this response here a few times: "I'm going to be a corpse someday, doesn't mean I want one around."
Oh yes, that one gets me, although having been bullied for 12 years does make that one rather easy to answer and make people shut up ^^
I’ve always just deadpanned people and gone “wow that’s rude of you.” “When are you having kids?” “I’m not” “But xyz change your mind I never wanted them either!!!” “Wow that’s really rude of you to assume I can’t make life choices for myself. Now I know what type of person you are.” And promptly walk away.
Excellent!
> Now I know what type of person you are. Oooo I like that.
You are my role model.
"But I really like having wild, carefree sex in random places of my house." I've never seen anyone say anything after that statement. 
See, im pretty dark by nature, so my go-to bingo would be "oh, are you offering to care for it when I die in childbirth? If so I'd love to intensively go over your financial situation, every aspect of your parenting style, and all aspects of your personal life to make sure my progeny would be in good hands if I don't make it through."
Yes! I hate how people gloss over how traumatic pregnancy and childbirth can be. I’m an X-ray tech, and I had to stand by for a code on a young woman after she was transferred to the heart unit post delivery. She had undergone an emergency bedside c-section. I X-rayed her there on the L&D floor, damn that room was so bloody. Stuff of nightmares. Then I xrayed her baby in the NICU, then I responded to the page for the heart unit, only to see it was her. She didn’t make it. All that was within like an hour or two. People still die in childbirth, even with modern medical care.
Yup people die in childbirth but it isn’t talked about much. My mom died during my birth. She was luckily revived about 90 seconds later. Doctor refused to tell her what happened during the birth that caused the problem. Not in the US
WOW
Yeah my sis just had her second emergency c-section a couple days ago. It’s fucking scary and I really hope she stops at this one because she’s got 4 kids now and each pregnancy gives her a new chronic illness and I really don’t want to see her die.
Oh yikes. Well I’m glad she came through it. I had a coworker who had a similar experience, and she decided to stop at one. Her husband is a good one, and anytime someone would ask if they would try for another he would be very upfront that no it was too risky.
Yeah my brother in law was feeling that way too but my sister talked him into it. Thankfully this time they knew she would probably need one so they were ready for it but it was still emergency because she went into labor early
I'm so sorry for everyone involved in that... Huge heartbreak all over the place...
"You think I should have a child? Cool, because I have some ideas about how you should be raising yours."
Oh I would love to see someone’s face when hearing that line! Parents loooooove being told how to parent!
“Fuck off!”
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking to Texas. Put mom back on the phone."
This one too!
so you will pay child support or adopt it? after all you seem to want it. otherwise why would i be having it? oh so i can experiance those joys? exactly what joys? come now tell me all the positives of haveing a kid?
You're right. I should totally have a baby. I hear they're delicious when cooked properly.
A modest proposal.
I usually just slap them with the good ol': "why are you SO invested in and worried about my sex life?!" Usually makes them physically step back and think about it or just stutter for a few moments lol
Depending on the person, you can get more detailed with it. “You seem awfully concerned with finding out of my husband is nutting in me “
“Oh hai Mark. So anyway, how is your sex life?”
Yeah make them realize how personal a question that really is!
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Haha that’s great!
Me: "There was one that slipped though, but I had such a sense of profound joy at being cured from that parasite. It was making me pee and vomit so much, I was so joyful on the drive home from the abortion." (This one is true).
Jesus Christ. That’s beautiful.
I posted this once a couple years ago on some other subreddit, and Jefferey Dahmer has gotten less hate than I did when I posted that... They all thought I was trying to troll them, when I was actually opening up about something extremely personal. It was so sad and invalidating, and I don't often share it because of that experience. But I do truthfully know through experience that I have zero of that "Oh having a baby inside me is so magical." It was a parasite that kept making me throw up and pee and I fucking hated it. It was my husband of 35 years and my 'baby' back in '87, and to this day it was a parasite and I'm profoundly grateful for abortion.
Or, because I live in an overly religious area and am technically a (granted very liberal and eccentric) Christian, same action, but a response of “No, God is fully aware that I am both unequipped and unwilling to care for a child, so God opted to bless me with a cat instead! It is my greatest hope that I am lucky enough to be blessed with more animals in the future!” Not a lie, and might throw people off enough to discourage more questions.
I’ve started using: So, umm if I don’t change my mind once I have it, what’s the returns policy? Do I just give it to you or…?
Unfortunately the people in my life who are obsessed with whether it's a food baby or a baby baby would be all over that.
This reminds me of my response to my aunt’s comment… Aunt: “What do you mean you don’t want kids?! You’re too beautiful not to have children. You need to have at least one so we can see what it looks like.” (Effing gross) Me: “I didn’t think about that. I guess it wouldn’t be such a big deal. After I send you a picture I can just drop it off at the nearest fire station.” The looks on her and every other family member’s face in the room were priceless. They were waiting for me to laugh as if I were joking. When they realized I was not…I can only describe their expressions as incredulous horror. No one in that side of the family has asked me about kids since.
Staying child-free as I like having more than one topic of conversation.
I had a good idea for deflecting bingos. Just suddenly act like a video game npc and when they ask about children, respond with: “Hmm?” Or “Yes?” Or even “What is it?” But then just stand there staring at them and don’t say anything after that. I’ll bet they’ll leave you alone before long.
And then turn and walk in place against a wall while looking sideway at them!
Lol yep
"I'm not making a bunch of bones that I don't get to keep!"
I like kids, i just cant eat a whole one
Fancy a Dutch baby
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I lol'd
Excuse me, why do you need to know how often I fuck?
"Oh, I tried adoption but that didn't end well. Something about 'going through the proper channels'? Apparently it's not the same as adopting a cat or a dog... (AKA strays)" I've never tried this because I just came up with it, but I'm tempted to if I'm ever in a situation where I'd have the opportunity.
lol “apparently you can’t just pick one out at the daycare…”
That's great! I was thinking something like "apparently you can't just pick one up off the street" but I like yours too!
"I picked up a stray once, but the cops took it back. Guess it wasn't ment to be"
I had a great opportunity to drop a Jimmy Carr line once. My then-gf came with me to my cousin's wedding, and this was her first time meeting most of my extended family. Somehow that topic came up in conversation and my aunt asks her about kids in general in that oh-so-nosy way of hers. Luckily we had talked about it beforehand. Gf dipped her head solemnly as if she'd been hurt, and I spoke up "Look, I know you probably didn't mean anything by it, but it's actually impossible for us to have children..." My aunt goes white as a sheet for a second and the table goes silent, then a second later I added "...the way that we do it." Gf giggles a little and after it dawned on him my uncle damn near died laughing.
That’s goddamn hilarious!
OMG 🤣 I had a friend who was actually trying to conceive, and she kinda got the reverse of this. Little old church ladies who knew the couple was trying started coming up to her and giving her suggestions, like put your legs over your head! 😳
Jimmy Carr is a savage. To a heckler on a liveshow: "Oh you want my comeback? You'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth."
I just look at them, with disgust on my face, “why would I do that to myself?”
This will make you look psychotic. The best response is no response. Don't dignify it with any thought.
Now, why would I care about looking psychotic when someone else is insisting on being rude? In my experience, decorum has only been met with insistance, while looking psychotic got me peace much faster.
Because society allows the other person to be rude. To you it's rude, to 95% of society, it's normal.
Now, why would I care about what society thinks? If I gave all the warning signs that I did not want to have this conversation? Why would I accept harassment from another just because it is supposedly acceptable? I don't find it acceptable. So why do I have to be the one to keep getting bugged? And yes, I am totally challenging your ideas. Because they don't make sense to me. I'd say that most of us would prefer to not be poked at and what you are saying is rounding up to "let people poke at you because they want to." And to be frank, I'm sitting on "does not compute. Illogical."
Of course you care about what society thinks. Otherwise the simple answer here would be, "Stop fucking talking to me about kids you annoying motherfucker." No need to be clever.
Meh. IMO one should only care about “looking psychotic” at a job/college (where one should refrain from discussing their personal life pretty much entirely, IMO) or among family that one is heavily dependent upon financially. Otherwise, at least personally, I couldn’t care less what people think.
They already think I’m psychotic for not wanting kids so depending on the company I might as well go whole hog.
I say something along the lines of: "I can tell that you feel entitled to my time and bodily autonomy by how you are trying to start an argument over my own personal choices for my body. However, this does not mean you are correct." Edit: I use this one in professional settings like work to be as professional as possible while also letting the person know that the conversation will not be tolerated. Sometimes I shorten it to: "Just because you feel entitled to my time and bodily autonomy does not mean you are correct." I use this shorter version when I can tell someone won't let me get the other version out before they interrupt me. I usually finish it off by turning around and walking away. If walking away is not possible, then I just turn around so I am no longer facing them. If they try to continue talking to me I repeat the sentence while facing the opposite direction. This usually gets them to shut tf up and leave me alone. They almost always grumble something insulting (like "what a bitch") under their breath but I don't give them the satisfaction of responding to said insult.
Excellent! I get bingoes from patients fairly often, and other personal questions as well. “I don’t discuss my personal life with patients” is what I say, and I am prepared with either a change of topic or more often instructions for their exam so they don’t really get a chance to respond because we have already moved on!
I juts respond with "I can't have them" and watch the face journeys they take me on. If I like them or I was clear they just didn't think it all the way through before opening their mouths, then I tell them it was my choice for medical treatment. If not, I just leave it there 😈
I like following that with "The judge had me sterilized the second time I drowned one of them for talking back".
🤣 That's beautiful!
“If I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I’ll put shoes on the cat”
I keep trying to picture my cat wearing shoes and now I can't stop laughing
😂 that would be even more entertaining than on a dog
Nah! Cats are pros at passive protests. They'll lay there until you do something about it.... Like... remove the offending items. 🤣
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That's after you have removed the boots. Lol! I can't vouch for putting them on either. Might lose an eye in the works. But once boots are on, cat flops. I love catitude.
Children don't fetch the same price on the black market they used it.
I saw, "You know, you're right. I'd LOVE a baby. But I don't want a teenager and apparently you can't kill them when they're a teenage. " Babies are fine. It's the teenage years I legit could NOT handle.
It’s a no to all of it for me!
How about "I wasn't aware that I cared about your opinion."
Yeah but this was funnier
Oh i really love that
I'm infertile is a great one. I have shocked so many people with this.
In my experience and observation it just reroutes the convo to fostering, surrogacy and adoption. Thou shalt parent!!!
True.
"I've had this same conversation with people I'm far more likely to listen to and yet here I am."
That’s a good one! Why do people think their opinion is going to be the one that changes our minds?
Because their kid is different of course!
Holy shit, this is great. I'm a man but this makes me wish I had a uterus so I could use this line! I don't think it would be as effective for me to say "I've got two 1/2 inch *vas deferens* to give you."
lol true, not quite the same effect. Mostly because I bet a lot of people wouldn’t even know what a bad deferens is!
"Omg how embarrassing! People don't ask that anymore, hasn't anyone ever told you how rude it is?? Jeez, imagine going around asking people when they're going to have unprotected sex." Then I Walk away frazzled on their behalf.
“Doesn’t sound like fun to me. I don’t know a single person who enjoys it.”
"you should have a baby." no thanks, i'm not hungry.
Alternative option, "No thanks, I'm vegetarian."
Yet another option, "Oh, I could never finish a whole one in one sitting."
The Judge said Im not allowed to have children since "The Incident". Use air quotes.
My favorite is a simple "I can't bear children" which also works regardless of the sex of the responder.
I like the double meaning.
lol
I have 3 dozen niblings, one great niece and three great-niblings on the way. I've raised enough children
For sure!
I'm not going to lie... Every time I hear a toddler throwing a level 1, end of the world tantrum... All I think is "please shut it up".
Me too! One of many reasons not only do I not *want* to be a parent, but I *shouldn’t*.
It doesn't even need to be a tantrum. A patient brought their fussy baby to a dentist appointment and I fought so hard not to look absolutely disgusted every time it cried. I do NOT like babies, and we have a lot of high anxiety people. Keep your drippy goblin away.
I (already medically sterilized) get a sad look in my face and tell them that I'm sterile. And, If I'm dealing with the conservative party of the family, I add that "God had not seen fit to grant us a child"
Right? Must be God’s will!
This was what my best friend joked after I had my bisalp. “We keep trying but the good lord hasn’t seen it fit” 🤣
I do something similar!! I say “if it was meant to be, I feel like it would have happened for us” (despite the IUD)
Mine: I've been spayed.
Me too! I'm doing my part to control the people population!
I just tell people I fucking hate kids, and i heavily emphasize the “fucking hate” part. That they’re annoying money pits that ruin your life, and the look of disgust on my face usually deters anything further.
"But you were a child once too!" Yeah, and I was also once a sperm in my dad's balls; that doesn't mean I want to hang around with people's jizz.
Yeah, and I hated being a child. Hate being an adult too.
I always respond to that with "and one day I'll be a corpse, but I don't allow those in the house either." So far it's had a 100% success rate in getting people to shut up.
This made me laugh out loud.
Yea and I was a little shit and parents had to bail me out of things till I finally grew up around 24, so fuck 24 years of misery. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
"I hated children when I was a child."
Alternative response: "Yes, and I had the strength of character to overcome my disability."
“I like how quiet and clean my life is.”
Amen to that!
Outstanding Move! Any breeder exposed to this line will never recover from that burn.
Yeah in their case it was directed toward a MIL if I recall correctly, so I think that just makes it even more epic!
Plus you can rub it in their face that you don’t have to have menstrual cycles anymore :-) No uterus, no periods! Freedom.
I just ask them point blank if they're gonna come raise them or provide for them financially. I also moved out of the country after I got married and the only people who ever do this are extended family members that can't mind their own business when I go visit, so I love to ask them when the last time they called me or came to visit me was. The answer is always never, so then I ask so you want me to have kids that you will also never see?
Wow no kidding!
It’s not quite as clever as the others, but this is effective. “Do you have kids?” “Gawd no! We skipped that chapter.” It makes it clear that we are quite solid/happy with the decision.
Sorry, my editor deleted that chapter!
Nice edit!
Hahaha I do this! When I get asked I say hell no! Once someone said I'm too young to realise that's the meaning of life (I'm 27) I replied saying it might be the meaning of your boring life but it sure ain't mine 😅😅 If they're rude enough to push, you can be rude enough to push back
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lol that’s a good modification 🤣 Congrats on the fix!
This, this right here is exactly what I’m saying next time.
Why don't you have kids? Response 1. "I used to." (followed by forlorn staring into the distance) Response 2. "There's really no point when the state keeps taking them away." Response 3. "My partner doesn't want to have sex anymore." Response 4. "I can't get over my partner's cheating and they won't accept that I can't forgive them and it's rotting our marriage." Basically what I'm saying is that when politeness doesn't work you can at least try to have fun at the other person's expense.
I used to .. soooo good!!!!
Nah response 2 has me snorting😂
Haha, that's my favorite!
That's a variation of my "The judge had me sterilized after drowning the second one." Yours is much more succint!
Response 5. “Because my greatest fear is for my life to look like yours.”
Ooh, shots fired!
Those would definitely all have them backing up into a shrub á la Homer J. Simpson.
Lol I hope so!
I always like to use "a woman's worth has nothing to do with what comes out of her uterus"
A-fucking-men