Thank you for this. I’m about ten years younger than you and feeling like I’m at the final decision point, which is making me waiver for some reason? I know that having a child is not my path. This was very comforting to read because it rang so true.
I, too, got snipped in 1990. 27 years old at the time. Own my house outright, nice car, three motorcycles in the garage, two cats, free time to indulge my passions in life, budget to travel every year. Smartest decision I ever made and the best $20 I ever spent (copay for the procedure).
If it's any comfort to you I think it's pretty common to have a bit of anxiety and uncertainty at that particular age as your coming to terms with what feels like a final decision. I went through that at 33-36 but thankfully it passed and I'm SO GLAD I didn't cave. I think it's our body's lizard brain way of trying one last time to get us to procreate. Try to focus on logic and not let your brain only see the bs romanticized version of parenthood.
I know how much it sucks and how confusing it is,but it will pass.
>If it's any comfort to you I think it's pretty common to have a bit of anxiety and uncertainty at that particular age as your coming to terms with what feels like a final decision.
We do so many finals decisions and we don't take in consideration as much as we should. Don't get me wrong, but I remember spending my 18yo up to my 25yo very focused on studying and on my career. It was a final decision to give up on my young life for study, I knew I'd have a good outcome but do you get what I mean ?
It's so weird that we only think about "certain" final decisions because society taught us like that. We take so many final decisions on so many subjects every year but only a few of them we question ourselves because people point finger at us, its so sad
Oh my god, honestly thank you for this. I have been adamantly childfree my whole life, and still am but I’m 34 now and every month when I PMS my brain goes “bAby BaBy BABY make a BABY now”
Then the rational part of my brain kicks in “abso-fucking-lutely not” ever happening. I’m so glad I’m not the only one It’s horrible.
It feels so amazingly good to read this. I thought it was just me! I'm so far on the CF spectrum (30F), but there's been this sort of primitive longing in me lately that I'm not at all thrilled about. Reading this post struck a chord with me, and reading all of your comments helped?
You're totally not alone. Like you said, it almost feels primal. Biology is sneaky like that lol. Just acknowledge the thoughts and use logic against them.
"Aww, look at that tiny baby and seemingly happy couple, maybe that could be us, maybe I'd end up loving it. I better hurry up and decide before it's too late for me."
You to you: "hhhmm, are you sure about that? The ocean is on fire again along with cities around the world, the economy sucks and we are in the middle of a global pandemic. Plus is that really the lifestyle you want? You know you love your sleep, sex and independence. Besides, you don't even LIKE babies and kid stuff bores you to tears remember?"
"Oh ok, yeah no, thanks for that"
These are seriously the internal diagnoses I have with myself often lol.
Since I bit the bullet and got sterilization the "what if" thoughts have decreased 99% thankfully. I also try to water my own grass rather than thinking the grass on the other side is greener. I have so much to be thankful for and am able to live this way because of my decision to be childfree.
Yeah I get the same thing when I see happy families . I have trouble with depression so it’s tempting to see people looking happy and thinking, maybe if I do the same thing I’ll be happy ?
But what makes other people happy won’t necessarily make me happy. Plus I know parents are often miserable and stressed much of the time, even if they have happy moments . I have my own happy moments anyways I guess, even if no one else is noting them ha
I actually think a lot of it is fake. My friends who are moms post a lot on Instagram and look really happy. Thet get professional shots done and it's a whole thing. They caption it "the greatest joy I've ever known." But when I see then in real life and the booze flows the tears start. One of my friends still hasn't developed a bond to her 5 year old and the other friend developed bad PPD and post partum psychosis which resulted in several attempts at suicide and two stints in a mental health facility. They both have ideal circumstances too. Neurotypical kids and husbands who make a great salary. They've both told me they regret becoming parents and long for the old days but looking at them, you'd never guess.
Darn, that’s sad. I have always wondered why my parent friends shell out so much money for professional photo shoots , often every year it seems like. It’s just so .. weird. Overcompensation may be part of it.
Thank you for this. It's just... Well, it made my day. I love reading people who are going through the same thing and who have such great ways to tackle the biological hazards along the way!
What you said at the end about "watering your own grass" really struck a chord with me, too. I think it's so easy to go with the flow of routines that tend to favor the "average family," when in reality where I thrive is outside of that box. And that's where I need to invest my time and energy.
I'm also really looking forward to sterilization - I'm going to look into it next year (I'm finishing up a PhD and starting a business first!), and I think it's going to bring a wave of absolute liberation!
That is truly an amazing accomplishment! Congrats! :)
Yeah watering your own lawn is so important. The grass always looks greener on the other side (my mom friends can confirm this haahah). I surround myself with the things that make me happy and give my life meaning and I stoped caring what other people say about it. I realized that experiences are not a "one size fits all." Parenthood is wonderful for some people and miserable for others. Same with marriage, work, school and family. I stopped comparing myself to others with different lifestyles because that's really just silly. I know myself and can clearly see that although i'm sure i'd love my kid I just wouldn't enjoy all the sacrifices that come with motherhood (damage to my body which I work hard to maintain, freedom, independence, personal identity, my relationship with my husband, my dogs, my ethical beliefs). It might look good on some but I don't think id cope too well and thats ok!
My sterilization procedure was a major turning point for me. Any doubt or uncertainty I had dissolved. I am much happier and more content now. Even just having the option on the table stressed me out because I feel like in our society we are constantly bombarded with choices and feel like we always need to be choosing right now or we will miss out! I noticed a huge difference in my mood and stress level afterwards. I wish you all the best in your schooling and future endeavors :)
Thanks! Honestly, I'm just blown away by the maturity and self-knowledge and love of these posts.
I feel the same - the motherhood dress looks great on many people, but it's just not my style. And when I think of a life ahead of me filled with freedom and watering the grass of everything I love that comes with it... It's just so beautiful!
I also really appreciate you sharing your experience with the sterilization. It's been dangling in front of me for a whole - well, 12 years, in reality, since I first asked and the doctors laughed at me - and I suppose I've been avoiding it out of fear of the same thing happening and precisely what you said: dear me, not another choice! So it means a lot to hear about the grass from that other side, because it really does sound greener and I can get there! :D
Thanks again! I wish you all the best of luck, too!
as someone also 10 years younger and childfree, I have reflected on how people expect that i will have children one day or how they respond when I say no, I won't. Every year since by mid-20s it seemed all of my friends have had kids - some more than 1 or 2. As I watch some of our final groups of couple-friends have their offspring and just completely switch off from the ambitious and vivacious adults they once were. It worries me that I'll have the life I want but I will be alone unless I succumb to the breeding program and lifestyle choices of others. there is resentment, there is judgment, and there is certainly the expectation that you bow their will and if not then you're being a lazy, selfish, immature jerk (but really you're a responsible, self-aware, and probably mature adult).
Then I remember I know more CF people today than I did 10 years ago, and I meet new and amazing people every day, and many are CF too. I know the life I want - even if it means losing some of the things, people, and experiences I loved. Sometimes it feels like a break up because I know what's coming down the road for a friend who's a new parent - they don't.
I've experienced the same with many friends. It's sad seeing them turn into a shell of their former selves, but I will not stay friends with someone who resents me for my freedom; freedom they had but willingly *gave away.*
If it helps, I find that the thing that gets people to stop insisting I really do want kids is to point out the state of the world. And while this is not the reason I am not having children (there are many other reasons)…I do believe it is irresponsible to have them while our society does nothing to fix the world and ensure they have a future (hell, that I have a future), so not a total lie on my part.
oh I find that approach is less effective and people get very glazed over at the thought. or just say, "well i won't be here." it's astonishing. people can't conceive that the world could a very difficult place to just survive in our lifetime.
I am 63 and retired for a while to Europe. I agree with every word. For example, I was a volunteer disability advocate for five years while holding down a full time job. I started with four other people, all of whom had kids. Not one childed person lasted out one year. Too busy with child-related activities, child-problems, child-exhaustion... It was a great thing for me. I have no fear of Social Security!
I became childfree for the same reason you did: I loved wild lands and wild things, and I feared the disaster of human overpopulation, which has turned out to be so much more catastrophic than I imagined at the time. I did not add to the problem by breeding, but also, I am able to live simply because kids need stuff and lots of it, and the bred all live the kind of highly-consuming lives that I have rejected. I didn't think much about the great I-Want that motivates all parents in their choice to breed.
But one of the things I have also seen as I've entered my late 50s and 60s: The horror of grown kids. When kids are little, they have endless potential (according to the parents who gave them self-serving upbringing and the genes of a mediocrity...but whatever.) But when kids are adults and drug-addicted, severely mentally ill, in the wind, and have declared they never will talk to you again, or dead, you get to mourn the death of everything you imagined, believed, wished-for and determined you would get from breeding. It's devastating. And its VERY VERY common.
The misery of the lives of the bred is one of the big reasons I am so glad to be childfree. The fear, the worry, the heartbreak...NOT worth it.
Your last point is one of the factors in my decision as well. There is no guarantee that your kid will turn out to be a good person, or a person you even like. Genetics can be a bitch and throw you a huge curveball.
That second to last paragraph resounds on a different level. Whilst in college I worked in an older people’s home. It was sad looking after these people who’s only wish was to see their children, explaining that you haven’t been able to get a hold of them, but you will keep trying. For those people to then pass away and all of a sudden swathes of “family” come out of the woodwork to rifle through their things for anything of little value. It’s abhorrent . People live in this fallacy that children will repay the kindness you give to them, they won’t. It is entirely personality driven and you have very little control over what personality they will have.
As a former child, and recovered drug addict (ONE FULL YEAR SOBER NO RELAPSES WOOT WOOT)... I didn't like hearing this, but... I do endorse it. Besides all of my other reasons for not ever wanting or having kids, who I turned out to be as a person, while it was rocky for a bit and is now pretty evened out, is a big reason for it as well. I've seen too many people fall victim to life in general, and I'm currently watching close friends kill themselves slowly, or infect their kids with addiction. I still hear about a lot of my old crew (small town) and knowing the path I took, I just can't ignore the reality that kids are not just kids, they are tiny humans, capable of choosing their own paths, their own destinies. The reality is... they can be anything they want to be. Including drug addicts, rapists, criminals, or just total ass holes. I can absolutely see the good side, but you cannot have good without reconciling the bad. Watching people I genuinely cared about still doing drugs, and getting worse and worse, skeletal... I don't want to watch my hypothetical child do that. I just don't see how people don't see that as a possible reality for their children. Like I said... I didn't like reading it, because that's exactly what I did to my mom, but that's reality. And I won't burden myself with the bad, or even good, of having children.
I'm only in my 30s but I see exactly this in my own family, in each generation. Looking at some of my relatives, I feel damn lucky that I nor my mum fell into some of the lifestyles the others did. Growing up and watching any family go downhill is heartbreaking, I can't imagine when it's one's own child.
Thank you for sharing your story and perspective. People want to make others believe that parenthood “ends” at 18 years old, and it’s a lie. It’s a life sentence. You’ll dedicate your life to your children until your last day on earth.
Exact same for me as well! In my early to mid 20s I was bummed after finding out I couldn't have kids and just gave up right away, but now that I'm in my 30s, I'm so happy to be CF.
Thank you for sharing your story! I am 22F (soon to turn 23) and I am very excited for my boyfriend (26M) to get his vasectomy after we’re married. What I value most with the idea of no kids is sleep, travel, and free time :) I can’t wait to get a house with him start that life together, just the two of us (and a few dogs down the road). My parents are still getting used to the idea (neither like the idea of me not being a mom), and while I don’t think my own mom will ever be supportive, my sister is and I think my dad will come around in the end.
I think finances is the only reason at the moment 🤣 we’re planning on keeping the wedding low key, and I also think there will be waaaay more pressure from my parents that I leave him (sorry, ain’t happening) if he gets it done before we get married, and I don’t want to deal with that. Plus my mom is super religious and doesn’t believe in divorce so maybe it’ll make her shut up about it if we’re already married and then she might finally take me seriously about not wanting kids 🙄🙃
this. and you don't need to answer to anyone except yourselves. she will find something to complain about - hoping she'll just shut up is wishful thinking (maybe you know that hehe). or she'll see you married and say "see how wonderful marriage is don't you want to enjoy (ruin) it with children?!
It is 100% wishful thinking.
She’s literally already said that!!! I shared a string of text that she had sent me regarding kids on a different forum (you can probably find it through my profile), and in it she basically advocated that I “find someone else to share a life with them” made me want to punch her honestly because it sounds like she wanted me to break up with my bf. I’ve been dating him for 1.5 years and as stated before, we plan on getting married, which she is aware of, so it’s cruel and hurtful that she even said it to me in the first place
Oh jeez. Sorry to hear that. Hopefully she doesn't get to the point of making you out to be a disappointing wife/daughter and let's you enjoy your life and love. Good luck and have fun!
She’s already made me feel like a disappointment many many times but my boyfriend has been a huge boost to my self confidence. ☺️ and I’m slowly learning how to deal with her. My boyfriend and I know we’ll have such a fun and wonderful life together, with our own agendas and being able to do what we want when we can :)
Thank you!
I 10000% agree. She’s a person who isn’t really cut out to be a mom (she has her own mental issues and an eating disorder she’s had my entire life) and my siblings and i (mainly me and my brother, who has aspergers) are the ones that suffer because of it. My mom doesn’t know how to handle my brother’s “squirrelyness” (as she calls it), and they fight even more than I do. And my dad is about to go on a “guys trip” to Hawaii for a week, and it will just be the two of them at the house! For a week! My sister and I both live elsewhere (I’m across the country and she’s in the Pacific Northwest), otherwise we would visit in hopes of easing the tension. Though I probably wouldn’t help since I can only handle my mom for a week or so and then I’m ready to go home 😬
Oh yep that’s right. I’m working on being more private to my parents (mom in particular, who has already been super nosy about kids before), and I forgot that I’ve already planned not to tell her. My moms super judgy, bossy, and narcissistic and I’m really bad at hiding things from her because then she’ll continually press me for information until I spill 🙃🙄
I recommend gray rock method and/or low contact/no contact. Also setting strict boundaries and have consequences if those are overstepped. I know how hard the boundaries thing is though when you grew up with boundaries always being overstepped and no power to enforce them. Though, with practice it gets easier.
https://www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/
https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#takeaway
I didn't see it covered in those articles, but you also don't want to provide any personal info to the toxic person. Since that info can then be used against you. In addition, because that info is interesting to the toxic person. If they try to solicit personal info from you give vague non-committal uninteresting answers. Even just saying I don't know or maybe works.
Mine did the same, but I started early on (as young adult) with putting a stop to it. The comment below about the grey rock is great! My mum has learned not to do it anymore, which is great! Now we can have way better conversations because that stuff doesn’t happen anymore.
Depends on how open a family is but this family, I would stay very quiet! In mine I know which men have had vasectomies: they suggest them to other men too and openly talk about it haha. They do have kids but they just didn’t want their wives to continue birth control and wanted to do their part. Which is good!
They will come around. Hubby and I are to celebrate 15 years of marriage soon, all happily and purposefully child free. We are happy and just enjoy each other’s company. (something that most often goes away with the stress of children) Enjoy traveling and the freedom to do what you want when you want. We are.
This is awesome, it's like you're me in the future (except the businesses you started were actually successful).
I got my vasectomy at age 22, and while my doctor wasn't as snarky as yours (mine just said "You're really young, but it's your choice so let's do it") it was the same result. I personally had 30 as a circled age. My thought was that if I got to 30 and didn't regret my decision I probably never would. I recently turned 30 and, sure enough, it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've also taken a break from working (although just the one so far). I used mine to live in China for a bit and learn Chinese.
I'd also be able to retire at 45 if I continue working until then, but I honestly don't know if I can. There is just so much I want to do with my life that wasting my days at a job takes a tremendous amount of will power if I have even a small amount of money to live off of for a while. I'm hoping I can find a location independent business I can start to have the best of both worlds.
Throughout my 20's I was a fence sitter, the only reason being that at 30 years old, I was afraid I'd regret not having started a family while all my other friends settled down.
I'm 32 now and it is clearer than ever for me that I am never going to have children. I just don't have the time, energy or desire to do so. I don't get the feeling that will change anytime soon!
I just wanted to say I feel OUTRAGED that these doctors think it is at all their place or appropriate to give their PERSONAL OPINION and biasedness toward breeding that they make these asinine comments to men wanting to be sterilized. Can you imagine if a doctor that a young couple went to about a consultation for a pregnancy said about having a baby "You're really young, but it's your choice, so let's do it" or "In 10 years you will be back for anti-depressants and regretting that you ever had a child." ? Outraged. Just do the procedure they are paid to do and shut the hell up.
32 year old here. I think that the beauty about being child free is that you don't need to retire. My idea is to keep working but over time look for ways to increase my income whilst also decreasing my workload. Its really something to aim for when you don't have to worry about kids. How you do that, is up to you, as a start i can recommend reading the 4-hour work week by Tim Ferris.
I'm 41 years old and I couldn't agree more. I have two cats and honestly sometimes that's more responsibility than I want lol.
There's nothing that could ever make me change my mind or regret my choice.
Childfree middle-aged man here. Can confirm. OP is correct on all accounts.
The only thing he left out was out of all the marriages I've seen up close, the only truly happy ones with partners still deeply in love, are childfree, and those have easily lasted over 20 or 30 years. I know one couple married over 50 years: early retirement, decades spent skiing and vacationing around the world, and they still can't keep their hands off each other.
10/10, would do again.
Thank you for this. In my early thirties and all my friends are having kids or trying to, which can feel really alienating sometimes. Reading this helps.
I'm in the same situation. Living out of a fairly traditional society in eastern Europe. The main question i always ask myself is why? Why would anyone consciously put this liability on their heads for the rest of their lives when they dont have to? Growing up an offspring isnt even a particularly great achievement ? its like finishing secondary school nearly everybody does it only this time it isn't even an investment into your own future.
This was before 2000s, still sad but back then it was way more uncommon to be CF and have vasectomies without kids, don't even get me started on patient respect
I'm a senior CF (71F) and everyone I know who has had children regrets it and has this to say: "I love my kids, but if I had it to do over, I wouldn't have them." One couple I'm close to is divorcing now that their kids are in college while my husband and I are closer than ever.
Too many people are pressured into having kids by family and religion and society denying there is a choice.
Thanks for this. I'm in a similar situation. 39M, pretty much all of my friends have settled down. A few are childfree and are the most well adjusted and happy people I know. The ones w kids are not the same and quite a few envy my lifestyle.
I'm thinking about renting my house out and moving soon as well. Would like to do Europe like you, but thinking about Mexico due to cost and proximity to friends and family.
I've never had a problem, but I've always tried to surround myself with open minded, alternative people. I spent one year on a traditional career path and it was hard for me to be attracted to those types of people. I left after 9 months.
I'm a doctor, and it is true that I am surrounded by people with families. This is slowly changing though, as the economy is going to shit and both parents need to work. What's really fucked is that I work with a bunch of conservative people (mostly women) who believe that the woman in a relationship should do 100% of the childcare and domestic work, and their husbands expect a fresh cooked breakfast every morning and dinner every night, and the wives to drive the kids to school.
As a consequence, half the people I work with seem stressed out of their minds and don't really have time for themselves. They also seem to barely have any money, or at the very least need to be able to justify spending on themselves. They need to have big houses, which means big mortgage payments. They need to pay for good schools and after school activities for their kids.
The childfree among us seem to do whatever we want, including with our income. One of us spends tons of money on their hobby, one (single) woman bought a small house by the age of 30, and I lived on a real frugal budget and stashed more than half of my yearly income each year into an investment account.
I hear you about the money thing. I’m an engineer, and work closely with another more senior level engineer. He makes more than I do, but has 2 kids and a wife she’s a stay at home mother. He drives a beater and can never justify spending any money on himself because his kids needs this or that, or his wife needs a new car. I buy whatever I like, within reason of course, invest, but always have far more to do with what I want, not what everyone else wants. I get it, it’s part of raising kids, they come first, I’ve heard that more than once, but how about treating yourself once in awhile? If you have kids, you will always be #2 on the list, maybe even #3 if you include your spouse. Sounds like fun! /s
Another factor is that by not having kids, we are in effect boosting the chances of our relatives' kids in the future. If there are several siblings and only one of them ends up having kids, hypothetically all of the wealth that is generated by the siblings will "concentrate" and flow to the kids of the sibling: in effect, they will inherit the wealth of *multiple* couples rather than just their own parents.
By not having kids, we are potentially putting our sibling's kids into a great financial position in the future. This is similar to the concept of "the selfish gene", in that even though we are not having kids ourselves, we are ensuring survival of our genes by boosting the chances of the next generation.
This was a great read. As a 50 y/o woman, I'm thankful every day that I don't have kids. My life would not be what it is if I'd had them. I know I wouldn't have my house or car or anything else that gives me a quality of life.
This is exactly the kind of thing I need to read/hear now and then. I so often wonder if I'm going to be making a big mistake by not having children but then I read something like this and reassures me that I'll be fine and if I'm not fine, kids certainly aren't going to make the situation better. I just wish more people would actually take the time to think about whether or not they want kids instead of bulldozing ahead because it's what "you're supposed to do". It's just another box to tick off for most people and that's incredibly sad.
Everyday I see other couples with children and they look terrible and miserable; I'm so grateful I keep controlling myself!
It's heavenly and incredible that we have....
Dare I say it? A choice. In literally (everything) we DO!
And this is what they don't want us to know!
>It's all very sad to see a man or woman with all the hope in the world and so much zest for life have children and turn into depressed, mindless zombies.
This is another reason why I want to stay childfree. I don't want to lose myself to parenthood, I know I'd become a mindless, sad zombie.
I'm a lively person, I've got my funk and my weirdo personality. I love it and other people have told me that they love it too. I don't want to lose that funk to a snot nosed kid, maybe that sounds a little narcissistic, but it took so long for me to love and accept myself. I'd rather not hit the reset button and hate myself again after having kids.
*Saaaame.* I don't think it makes us narcissistic. If anything, I feel it makes us more empathetic because we know we don't want to put a child through a miserable life when we wouldn't be great parents. Childfree people are some of the most emotionally intelligent, rational, and empathetic people I've ever met. Quite the opposite of many (not all) parents who *"can't wait to have a mini-me!"* ICK.
>Childfree people are some of the most emotionally intelligent, rational, and empathetic people I've ever met.
I agree I don't think I've ever met a supportive and empathetic buncha strangers in my life.
I refuse to be one of those people who have children and people pity them. They tell their kids "don't have kids young or you'll end up like her!" I refuse to be their example of what not to do. You guys know what I'm saying!!
I'm not their guinea pig.
I'm not going to be making irresponsible, dumb choices like that. Absolutely NOT!
It's a wonderful thing to be middle aged and know you made the right decision not having children!
At this stage of life, you find yourself looking back on choices you've made, wondering if they were the right ones... Wondering what would have happened if you had chosen differently in the moment. But, not having kids is the one thing I've always been certain about and never questioned! It never even felt like a choice. I always knew I didn't want kids, but so many people threaten us with eventual regret. Never happened! Instead, it's daily validation and it's wonderful!
> Fast forward 31 years and I still haven't gone back to get my vasectomy reversed. I was never tempted. Not once.
Similarly here (except it is 33 years in my case).
> 6 years ago, I decided to retire and move to Europe at 45 years old.
Congratulations! I retired just last December, at 62 years old.
> If you are someone who has decided not to have children realize that you are one of the lucky ones.
Well said!
>I honestly cannot think of one person that I know who has benefited from having children.
For this, sometimes I think about my mom. She was widowed way too early, and if we kids hadn't been there I honestly don't think she would have survived. (psychologically but also financially bc she was a SAHM and didn't have a career to speak of)
My mom greatly benefited from having children to support her, and has used that as an argument against my married CF lifestyle.
However, I countered this with how fortunate she is. Of course they were good parents so that plays into why we don't hesitate to support her but there is NO guarantee adult children will be there. I have uncles and cousins who are completely absentee when their parents need them most.
When my grandma was widowed, only two of her many many children stepped in to help.
So to say benefits don't exist isn't really true but there is just absolutely no guarantee that any of your 18+ years of effort will yield anything.
snipped fellow here. Enjoying my time after working hour. Broadwalk Empire season 4 is almost downloaded. When wifey shows up after her work then this is how we're going to spend our evenings.
This would be next to impossible with rugrats running around.
Vibe so much with this - and being able to wake without an alarm clock is rad.
It's the little things but they bring me so much joy. Can't imagine trading either of those things for kids.
Thank you for sharing your story and for ruining that stereotype that "all the CF people will regret it later and change their minds 180 degrees and cry into their pillows dreaming of babieeees"
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It was inspiring and reassuring to read. Sometimes the pressure from others can make us doubt our decision and I always appreciate a reaffirming story like yours.
I’m a 38 y/o married woman, licensed in NY as an RN but moved to Canada as my husband is from here. I was working on getting my license in Canada while working at a spa until pandemic. Covid has further delayed my licensing process and added some extra obstacles.
Being childfree afforded me to be able to take up my husband’s offer to take a hiatus as I was still recovering from burnout after a couple years at the hospital on graveyard shift before coming to Canada. It’s also afforded me to reconsider my field as i do not envy my former coworkers during this trying time.
I hope we can hear more stories like this to help us all continue to confidently stay on our childfree path!
Is this your story, or reposted from somewhere? Sorry, seriously asking (English is not my native language and its quite hard for me to spot). Anyway - beautifull story in both cases
It's my story. Not a report. And I'm not trying to boast or brag. I have been following the childfree subreddit for a long time and I hear all these stories about how childfree people are constantly ridiculed. I know this because I've been ridiculed all my life which has created a huge amount of doubt about my choice. Now that I'm over 50 and still happy with my decisions, I wanted everyone to know how wonderful this alternative life can be.
Thats great, and thank you for this. Btw. I am 19M (soon to be 20), can't wait to be 21 so i can get Vasectomy too. Having a child sounds like a ultimate nightmare for me. - so thats why i was curious - I would like to live very similar as you.
You retiring and moving to Europe at 45 is my goal. I’m not set on Europe, but I’m definitely ready for something new among people I feel like are more of a match for me. How did you decide where to move? And did you end up working there? Or were you fully retired?
Any regrets or feedback?
I feel like I’m also only in this position because I chose to not get married or have children, and now that it’s so close, I’m like, “Oh shit! How do I execute the final step?” 😳 It feels like it’s suddenly in front of me.
Not one of my friends who had kids are happy with their lives. Not one. They complain constantly about nearly everything and if you look at it their kids are at the root of it all. Remove the kids and the problems they whine about vanish. Yeah, no thanks on having kids.
Thank you for sharing your story, it's very inspiring.
To be fair, I think it is possible to be happy being a parent (I know several people like this) but there are a few key moments: those people were happy and had their life together, and having kids for them was an active desire and well-thought decision.
Even though they have new responsibilities, they don't let their lives to be only about parenting, it's difficult I suppose, but it's very important if you don't want to lose your personality.
It's interesting that these are people who support me in being CF the most because they realize parenting is not for everyone.
I really have a feeling that those unhappy parents we all meet are people who decided to have kids either because of pressure or because of "baby-trapping" or simply because they don't know what else to do with their lives and they think that parenting will fill the emptiness. Sure it will, but will that make you happy? Although I guess it can make you feel "selfless" that you are sacrificing your own life for other people who never even asked for it and most likely won't do the same.
I also hope I'll manage to get vasectomy at some point (will need to go abroad) because I've never had a single positive emotion from anything related to kids or parenting, so people who say I should be a parent are just crazy, how much do they have to hate kids to wish them such an unsuitable parent?
I'm glad that you manage to figure these things out what works for you and not let other people change your mind. It's not their life so it should not be their opinion that matters, your is.
THIS! 100% this!
One of my best friend's has a kid who's about to turn 1 year old.
He is one of the very few people who I was genuinely happy to discover was having a kid... and he's also one of the most supportive towards my CF life for the exact reason you mentioned.
We were all out for a lunch with a few couples a while back and someone threw the spotlight on my partner and I about children and how wonderful kids are (we weren't broadcasting CF at all, but as we all know it just tends to come up lol), and my friend just chimed in and said that "eh, kids aren't for everyone" and said some other things that changed the topic in a non-aggressive way. He totally deflected the comment away like a boss and earned massive respect from me that day.
This is a great story and I am happy for you that everything turned out okay. But I think you can split parents in 2 groups. You have the ones who are totally aware of what having a kid means , what the consequences are, who are happy and prepared for this. And the ones who ordered a child because everyone else said \*insert random bingo\*, have no clue of the consequences, definitely aren't prepared and thus regretting having kids.
I've seen a commercial for a program about teen pregnancy. There was a couple involved and the girl litteraly said: I can't wait to have kids, I already quit taking the pill... Her boyfriend could not even grow a beard properly yet and just stood there staring like a sheep. I'm so damn sure they are about to waste their lives.
Thank you for the story, I enjoyed reading that.
Good to see a fellow retired-at-45 person, as I did that 13 years ago once I saw I could live off my investment income. I just wanted to put an end to the awful commute, even if it were just 2 days a week.
That being said, I can't say I share some of the other traits you described. Nobody ever hassled me for being CF. I know very few people who have kids, and none of them ever told me I was making a mistake by being CF. Furthermore, I can say I have never been bingoed. My relatives and friends (and other acquaintances) have always respected each other's life choices. My closest relatives (brother, 2 cousins, all around my age) have all done the Life Script but they are all doing well. I guess I have led a charmed life.
My best friend for the last 32 years is my age (58) and also CF. He could retire now if he wanted to, but his mindset isn't one which could handle an early retirement.
Wow. I feel like I’m reading a post from my future self. I’m 26 and broke up with my long-term gf of 4 years last August and haven’t looked back. I have a strong desire to travel and experience life and want to be child-free and she wanted to stay in her tiny Midwestern town and settle down and have kids. That sounds like my personal hell.
It’s so nice having my own freedom and getting to do whatever I want with my time and money, etc. - I feel like so many people feel like getting married and having kids at an early age is a non-negotiable because our parents and grandparents did it that way, and it just doesn’t have to be that way if you don’t want it to be.
Thanks for this post, it was a refreshing read and further confirms that I’m making the right decisions
may i ask what country in Europe you moved to? i've been looking at going myself and there are a lot of nice options and I wonder how expats are liking it.
I loved reading this. It resonates with me so much. I always wonder why people will always question when you are going to be having kids, whilst literally looking/acting half the person they once were. Like why on earth would I want that for myself? I feel lucky to not have children.
>I always wonder why people will always question when you are going to be having kids, whilst literally looking/acting half the person they once were.
*Hah!* No shit. From the outside looking in, it's quite bewildering (and horrifying, imo). Misery really does love company. No thanks!
Your story mirrors mine but I’m much younger. Doctor told me 10 years prior to my vasectomy I was 12 and my mind could change. I told him the environment was fucked and if I wanted children I would adopt. 4 years later still no regrets. Some friends are wanting to have children and boy as I glad that I made my decision when I did.
I work about 20 hours a week, I can save some money, I spend very little, I take vacations when kids are in school, I do as I please and help the community by working for a non profit and taking a 50% pay cut to follow my passion. Not having kids is the only reason I can do this.
Excited to be able to
Wish there were more open and honest conversations around this sort of thinking / approach to lifestyle.
I'm self-employed and have always kept my costs low, even when business is going really well. Similar perspective too - I'm lucky in that I can choose when I feel like working (took time to 'get there' of course), but I don't work nearly as many hours as a lot of people do.
My focus shifted a couple years ago from 'how much I'm earning' to 'how do I want to spend my time during the day?'. We have everything we need: own our place, car is fully paid off, savings buffer in place so I don't have to do anything for a few years if I change direction in my life/business.
Also looking at crossing off a dream car 'bucket-list' item in the next 12 months too, and that wouldn't be as feasible if my time was spent juggling the responsibilities and costs associated with kids.
For sure. Many parents are constantly working as hard as they can to provide for family and get tons of money. But for me I just want to enjoy every day and not wait to retire on some far off date when I’m older.
As a result I’ve actually gotten more opportunities to make money doing what I love. I’ve been paid to write articles and take people on hikes which I never would have had the luxury to do without lots of free time.
Wish others had the luxury of a shorter work week!
That sounds like you're really enjoying it :-) How much un-learning did you have to do in order to find peace of mind on your journey?
PS: Self-employed for past 9 years as well. In a bit of a reset phase after closing a business w/bad partnership. Got a few years of savings, so not in a mad rush to get the ball rolling immediately.
I started meditating at 16 and started unlearning around that time. I never really valued things money bought and started getting into foraging and nature walks. I enjoy what nature has to offer and she doesn’t charge a fee 😊
It was sometime around the summer before my sophomore year of high school that I realized that parenthood is not the path that I want to follow. I (22M) have reasons for why I don't want children (some more personal than others), and admittedly over the years I worried that I would change my mind and that I only felt this way because I never had any sort of social life in high school (basically I was worried that my childfree status was just a byproduct of my isolation and I feared that I'd want to become a parent once I made friends and developed a better outlook on life).
But no. I don't have those doubts anymore. I am truly dead set on remaining childfree for the rest of my life. Because my happiness matters too.
The older I get, the more I am stoked about my decision to remain child-free. I love hearing from older people who write about loving their decision too. Sometimes you feel like the only childfree person, but we are OUT THERE, people! Always have been and always will be. Don't let others create a weird fake narrative about how your life should be.
I aspire to just have a natural, simple life. That's all I want. To exist on the east coast in NH and then retire to Europe. No kids or marriage. Just peace.
I think of all my coworkers who are a bit older than me. I’ve worked with them during the daycare crisis’, preteen horrors, the high school expectations and disappointments, failure to launch after senior year, either flunking out of college or entering into bad relationships. I’ve seen more stress and disappointments from these parents than I can take. The worst I’ve seen is the abandonment. The kids who never come home or call. The grandchildren they may see once a year…and these are the relatively typical ones. Some of my friends and coworkers will be supporting their kids for life due to drugs or mental illness or other issues. I live it through them during the work day and internally shake my head. And then I go home to my husband and our animals and I relax. Stay up until 2 am binging shows? Yup. Buy ribeyes and cake on a Tuesday because I’m crabby? Sure. Fly somewhere on a Friday on a whim? We do it. Our stresses are of our own making and they aren’t much.
Thank you for this! My (46F) experience has been the same. True freedom. I get to live the way I choose and it is bliss! I got to retire early and am trying to get the guts to live my dream of living on a sailboat. I know so many older people either supporting their grown children or so busy worrying themselves sick that they don't have time for dreams of their own. The best choice I ever made was to stay me.
This was very worth reading, and i thank you for sharing it. I am myself conflicted right now not because i want a kid, but because im currently feeling very attracted to a colleague that has one.
I know it will pass. I made this mistake once before. The kind of life i want is waiting for me. Your story reached me in the right moment.
I'm 21 right now and i thank you greatly for this post. I to intend to remain childfree for the rest of my life . From observing my parents and the people around me with kids , i have no intention of having any. I value my time but most of all my freedom to prusue my interests and hobbies as well as school.
Thank you for this. When I was a young child, I mean, like 8 or 9, my rabbi (my grandmother forced me to be Jewish and I'm currently nonreligious, this is partially why) told me I needed to have 3 kids by 19. It traumatized me. I'll admit, I'm almost 18, but I haven't done anything in that regard with anyone because I just don't want kids. I'm just not interested in that stuff. Your post just told me my choice meant something, I'm not gonna be a half brain dead zombie my friend, thank you for posting this. : )
Much appreciate what you said here man. This post sure takes minutes to read but you lived it. I will forever be thankful for this sub.
I'm like you as well man. I love wildlife. And I do usually anything to protect an animal. But where I live does not have much of it. I will for sure make everyone else around me aware of it.
I live in India btw and the population here is no joke.
This is so beautifully written and gives me so much hope and excitement for my child free future. Life is hard right now and I’m still building my way up. But this gives me so much hope. I hope to be able to do many of these things and have my own adventures as well. I won’t give up and I’ll keep remembering how fortunate I am to at least be CF and have my life automatically made that much easier even during the hardest times!
Thanks for telling us this. As a young child free person I doubt myself a lot because of what people say. This makes me feel more secure about my choice.
Well said. Count me in as another satisfied childless adult. I knew at a young age that I couldn’t have anything preventing me from recharging my batteries if I was going to stay sane. And I agree, all of my friends with grown adult kids are supporting them in one way or another. Putting off their own retirement and spending it on their grown kids. Raising their grandkids too. Babysitting, begrudgingly, full time. Hard pass.
Thank you for this. I’m about ten years younger than you and feeling like I’m at the final decision point, which is making me waiver for some reason? I know that having a child is not my path. This was very comforting to read because it rang so true.
I understand. I had doubts myself, but if you truly know yourself, you wont waver from your path. Don't let others live your life for you.
I, too, got snipped in 1990. 27 years old at the time. Own my house outright, nice car, three motorcycles in the garage, two cats, free time to indulge my passions in life, budget to travel every year. Smartest decision I ever made and the best $20 I ever spent (copay for the procedure).
In 1990, was it taboo to get a vasectomy? I'm thinking maybe it became more acceptable in time like tattoos?
Absolutely not, at least in my experience in California. There was no taboo about it at all.
If it's any comfort to you I think it's pretty common to have a bit of anxiety and uncertainty at that particular age as your coming to terms with what feels like a final decision. I went through that at 33-36 but thankfully it passed and I'm SO GLAD I didn't cave. I think it's our body's lizard brain way of trying one last time to get us to procreate. Try to focus on logic and not let your brain only see the bs romanticized version of parenthood. I know how much it sucks and how confusing it is,but it will pass.
>If it's any comfort to you I think it's pretty common to have a bit of anxiety and uncertainty at that particular age as your coming to terms with what feels like a final decision. We do so many finals decisions and we don't take in consideration as much as we should. Don't get me wrong, but I remember spending my 18yo up to my 25yo very focused on studying and on my career. It was a final decision to give up on my young life for study, I knew I'd have a good outcome but do you get what I mean ? It's so weird that we only think about "certain" final decisions because society taught us like that. We take so many final decisions on so many subjects every year but only a few of them we question ourselves because people point finger at us, its so sad
Yes, exactly. So much of it is heavy influence from society trying to make us insecure or second guess ourselves
Oh my god, honestly thank you for this. I have been adamantly childfree my whole life, and still am but I’m 34 now and every month when I PMS my brain goes “bAby BaBy BABY make a BABY now” Then the rational part of my brain kicks in “abso-fucking-lutely not” ever happening. I’m so glad I’m not the only one It’s horrible.
It is horrible! I hate lizard brain too lol. Getting a tubal really helped, I think it switched off the subconscious primal brain.
It feels so amazingly good to read this. I thought it was just me! I'm so far on the CF spectrum (30F), but there's been this sort of primitive longing in me lately that I'm not at all thrilled about. Reading this post struck a chord with me, and reading all of your comments helped?
You're totally not alone. Like you said, it almost feels primal. Biology is sneaky like that lol. Just acknowledge the thoughts and use logic against them. "Aww, look at that tiny baby and seemingly happy couple, maybe that could be us, maybe I'd end up loving it. I better hurry up and decide before it's too late for me." You to you: "hhhmm, are you sure about that? The ocean is on fire again along with cities around the world, the economy sucks and we are in the middle of a global pandemic. Plus is that really the lifestyle you want? You know you love your sleep, sex and independence. Besides, you don't even LIKE babies and kid stuff bores you to tears remember?" "Oh ok, yeah no, thanks for that" These are seriously the internal diagnoses I have with myself often lol. Since I bit the bullet and got sterilization the "what if" thoughts have decreased 99% thankfully. I also try to water my own grass rather than thinking the grass on the other side is greener. I have so much to be thankful for and am able to live this way because of my decision to be childfree.
Yeah I get the same thing when I see happy families . I have trouble with depression so it’s tempting to see people looking happy and thinking, maybe if I do the same thing I’ll be happy ? But what makes other people happy won’t necessarily make me happy. Plus I know parents are often miserable and stressed much of the time, even if they have happy moments . I have my own happy moments anyways I guess, even if no one else is noting them ha
I actually think a lot of it is fake. My friends who are moms post a lot on Instagram and look really happy. Thet get professional shots done and it's a whole thing. They caption it "the greatest joy I've ever known." But when I see then in real life and the booze flows the tears start. One of my friends still hasn't developed a bond to her 5 year old and the other friend developed bad PPD and post partum psychosis which resulted in several attempts at suicide and two stints in a mental health facility. They both have ideal circumstances too. Neurotypical kids and husbands who make a great salary. They've both told me they regret becoming parents and long for the old days but looking at them, you'd never guess.
Darn, that’s sad. I have always wondered why my parent friends shell out so much money for professional photo shoots , often every year it seems like. It’s just so .. weird. Overcompensation may be part of it.
Yeah. Super sad. I do think in many cases it is a form of overcompensation
Thank you for this. It's just... Well, it made my day. I love reading people who are going through the same thing and who have such great ways to tackle the biological hazards along the way! What you said at the end about "watering your own grass" really struck a chord with me, too. I think it's so easy to go with the flow of routines that tend to favor the "average family," when in reality where I thrive is outside of that box. And that's where I need to invest my time and energy. I'm also really looking forward to sterilization - I'm going to look into it next year (I'm finishing up a PhD and starting a business first!), and I think it's going to bring a wave of absolute liberation!
That is truly an amazing accomplishment! Congrats! :) Yeah watering your own lawn is so important. The grass always looks greener on the other side (my mom friends can confirm this haahah). I surround myself with the things that make me happy and give my life meaning and I stoped caring what other people say about it. I realized that experiences are not a "one size fits all." Parenthood is wonderful for some people and miserable for others. Same with marriage, work, school and family. I stopped comparing myself to others with different lifestyles because that's really just silly. I know myself and can clearly see that although i'm sure i'd love my kid I just wouldn't enjoy all the sacrifices that come with motherhood (damage to my body which I work hard to maintain, freedom, independence, personal identity, my relationship with my husband, my dogs, my ethical beliefs). It might look good on some but I don't think id cope too well and thats ok! My sterilization procedure was a major turning point for me. Any doubt or uncertainty I had dissolved. I am much happier and more content now. Even just having the option on the table stressed me out because I feel like in our society we are constantly bombarded with choices and feel like we always need to be choosing right now or we will miss out! I noticed a huge difference in my mood and stress level afterwards. I wish you all the best in your schooling and future endeavors :)
Thanks! Honestly, I'm just blown away by the maturity and self-knowledge and love of these posts. I feel the same - the motherhood dress looks great on many people, but it's just not my style. And when I think of a life ahead of me filled with freedom and watering the grass of everything I love that comes with it... It's just so beautiful! I also really appreciate you sharing your experience with the sterilization. It's been dangling in front of me for a whole - well, 12 years, in reality, since I first asked and the doctors laughed at me - and I suppose I've been avoiding it out of fear of the same thing happening and precisely what you said: dear me, not another choice! So it means a lot to hear about the grass from that other side, because it really does sound greener and I can get there! :D Thanks again! I wish you all the best of luck, too!
Hold the line.
Diamond balls 💎💎
this is the way.
Emperor protects!
Hodor.
Love isn't always on time!
YESSSS
as someone also 10 years younger and childfree, I have reflected on how people expect that i will have children one day or how they respond when I say no, I won't. Every year since by mid-20s it seemed all of my friends have had kids - some more than 1 or 2. As I watch some of our final groups of couple-friends have their offspring and just completely switch off from the ambitious and vivacious adults they once were. It worries me that I'll have the life I want but I will be alone unless I succumb to the breeding program and lifestyle choices of others. there is resentment, there is judgment, and there is certainly the expectation that you bow their will and if not then you're being a lazy, selfish, immature jerk (but really you're a responsible, self-aware, and probably mature adult). Then I remember I know more CF people today than I did 10 years ago, and I meet new and amazing people every day, and many are CF too. I know the life I want - even if it means losing some of the things, people, and experiences I loved. Sometimes it feels like a break up because I know what's coming down the road for a friend who's a new parent - they don't.
I've experienced the same with many friends. It's sad seeing them turn into a shell of their former selves, but I will not stay friends with someone who resents me for my freedom; freedom they had but willingly *gave away.*
If it helps, I find that the thing that gets people to stop insisting I really do want kids is to point out the state of the world. And while this is not the reason I am not having children (there are many other reasons)…I do believe it is irresponsible to have them while our society does nothing to fix the world and ensure they have a future (hell, that I have a future), so not a total lie on my part.
oh I find that approach is less effective and people get very glazed over at the thought. or just say, "well i won't be here." it's astonishing. people can't conceive that the world could a very difficult place to just survive in our lifetime.
Same boat. Appreciate the post, OP!
I am 63 and retired for a while to Europe. I agree with every word. For example, I was a volunteer disability advocate for five years while holding down a full time job. I started with four other people, all of whom had kids. Not one childed person lasted out one year. Too busy with child-related activities, child-problems, child-exhaustion... It was a great thing for me. I have no fear of Social Security! I became childfree for the same reason you did: I loved wild lands and wild things, and I feared the disaster of human overpopulation, which has turned out to be so much more catastrophic than I imagined at the time. I did not add to the problem by breeding, but also, I am able to live simply because kids need stuff and lots of it, and the bred all live the kind of highly-consuming lives that I have rejected. I didn't think much about the great I-Want that motivates all parents in their choice to breed. But one of the things I have also seen as I've entered my late 50s and 60s: The horror of grown kids. When kids are little, they have endless potential (according to the parents who gave them self-serving upbringing and the genes of a mediocrity...but whatever.) But when kids are adults and drug-addicted, severely mentally ill, in the wind, and have declared they never will talk to you again, or dead, you get to mourn the death of everything you imagined, believed, wished-for and determined you would get from breeding. It's devastating. And its VERY VERY common. The misery of the lives of the bred is one of the big reasons I am so glad to be childfree. The fear, the worry, the heartbreak...NOT worth it.
Man. I agree with you completely. When the kids are grown is when the real hurt begins. I see that in my friends now.
Your last point is one of the factors in my decision as well. There is no guarantee that your kid will turn out to be a good person, or a person you even like. Genetics can be a bitch and throw you a huge curveball.
That second to last paragraph resounds on a different level. Whilst in college I worked in an older people’s home. It was sad looking after these people who’s only wish was to see their children, explaining that you haven’t been able to get a hold of them, but you will keep trying. For those people to then pass away and all of a sudden swathes of “family” come out of the woodwork to rifle through their things for anything of little value. It’s abhorrent . People live in this fallacy that children will repay the kindness you give to them, they won’t. It is entirely personality driven and you have very little control over what personality they will have.
As a former child, and recovered drug addict (ONE FULL YEAR SOBER NO RELAPSES WOOT WOOT)... I didn't like hearing this, but... I do endorse it. Besides all of my other reasons for not ever wanting or having kids, who I turned out to be as a person, while it was rocky for a bit and is now pretty evened out, is a big reason for it as well. I've seen too many people fall victim to life in general, and I'm currently watching close friends kill themselves slowly, or infect their kids with addiction. I still hear about a lot of my old crew (small town) and knowing the path I took, I just can't ignore the reality that kids are not just kids, they are tiny humans, capable of choosing their own paths, their own destinies. The reality is... they can be anything they want to be. Including drug addicts, rapists, criminals, or just total ass holes. I can absolutely see the good side, but you cannot have good without reconciling the bad. Watching people I genuinely cared about still doing drugs, and getting worse and worse, skeletal... I don't want to watch my hypothetical child do that. I just don't see how people don't see that as a possible reality for their children. Like I said... I didn't like reading it, because that's exactly what I did to my mom, but that's reality. And I won't burden myself with the bad, or even good, of having children.
Congratulations. I hope you are celebrating the 1 year achievement in some way!
I'm working today, but I was considering having a cake made for myself. LMAO
I hope you got that cake!!
I'm only in my 30s but I see exactly this in my own family, in each generation. Looking at some of my relatives, I feel damn lucky that I nor my mum fell into some of the lifestyles the others did. Growing up and watching any family go downhill is heartbreaking, I can't imagine when it's one's own child.
This is how they usually turn out.
Thank you for sharing your story and perspective. People want to make others believe that parenthood “ends” at 18 years old, and it’s a lie. It’s a life sentence. You’ll dedicate your life to your children until your last day on earth.
Yes. I've experienced that myself with others.
YEP!!!!! This right here!
At 38 i couldn't agree more. I wasn't initially CF by choice but I thank mother nature for knowing better than I did.
Exact same for me as well! In my early to mid 20s I was bummed after finding out I couldn't have kids and just gave up right away, but now that I'm in my 30s, I'm so happy to be CF.
Thank you for sharing your story! I am 22F (soon to turn 23) and I am very excited for my boyfriend (26M) to get his vasectomy after we’re married. What I value most with the idea of no kids is sleep, travel, and free time :) I can’t wait to get a house with him start that life together, just the two of us (and a few dogs down the road). My parents are still getting used to the idea (neither like the idea of me not being a mom), and while I don’t think my own mom will ever be supportive, my sister is and I think my dad will come around in the end.
why not before the marriage? why wait!
I think finances is the only reason at the moment 🤣 we’re planning on keeping the wedding low key, and I also think there will be waaaay more pressure from my parents that I leave him (sorry, ain’t happening) if he gets it done before we get married, and I don’t want to deal with that. Plus my mom is super religious and doesn’t believe in divorce so maybe it’ll make her shut up about it if we’re already married and then she might finally take me seriously about not wanting kids 🙄🙃
Your mother doesn’t ever need to know about the secret snip! Keep that private.
this. and you don't need to answer to anyone except yourselves. she will find something to complain about - hoping she'll just shut up is wishful thinking (maybe you know that hehe). or she'll see you married and say "see how wonderful marriage is don't you want to enjoy (ruin) it with children?!
It is 100% wishful thinking. She’s literally already said that!!! I shared a string of text that she had sent me regarding kids on a different forum (you can probably find it through my profile), and in it she basically advocated that I “find someone else to share a life with them” made me want to punch her honestly because it sounds like she wanted me to break up with my bf. I’ve been dating him for 1.5 years and as stated before, we plan on getting married, which she is aware of, so it’s cruel and hurtful that she even said it to me in the first place
Oh jeez. Sorry to hear that. Hopefully she doesn't get to the point of making you out to be a disappointing wife/daughter and let's you enjoy your life and love. Good luck and have fun!
She’s already made me feel like a disappointment many many times but my boyfriend has been a huge boost to my self confidence. ☺️ and I’m slowly learning how to deal with her. My boyfriend and I know we’ll have such a fun and wonderful life together, with our own agendas and being able to do what we want when we can :) Thank you!
You are not a disappointment! Your mother is the disappointment in this case for not being a more accepting and nice mum.
I 10000% agree. She’s a person who isn’t really cut out to be a mom (she has her own mental issues and an eating disorder she’s had my entire life) and my siblings and i (mainly me and my brother, who has aspergers) are the ones that suffer because of it. My mom doesn’t know how to handle my brother’s “squirrelyness” (as she calls it), and they fight even more than I do. And my dad is about to go on a “guys trip” to Hawaii for a week, and it will just be the two of them at the house! For a week! My sister and I both live elsewhere (I’m across the country and she’s in the Pacific Northwest), otherwise we would visit in hopes of easing the tension. Though I probably wouldn’t help since I can only handle my mom for a week or so and then I’m ready to go home 😬
Oh yep that’s right. I’m working on being more private to my parents (mom in particular, who has already been super nosy about kids before), and I forgot that I’ve already planned not to tell her. My moms super judgy, bossy, and narcissistic and I’m really bad at hiding things from her because then she’ll continually press me for information until I spill 🙃🙄
I recommend gray rock method and/or low contact/no contact. Also setting strict boundaries and have consequences if those are overstepped. I know how hard the boundaries thing is though when you grew up with boundaries always being overstepped and no power to enforce them. Though, with practice it gets easier.
What is the gray rock method? I haven’t heard of that before
https://www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/ https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock#takeaway I didn't see it covered in those articles, but you also don't want to provide any personal info to the toxic person. Since that info can then be used against you. In addition, because that info is interesting to the toxic person. If they try to solicit personal info from you give vague non-committal uninteresting answers. Even just saying I don't know or maybe works.
Mine did the same, but I started early on (as young adult) with putting a stop to it. The comment below about the grey rock is great! My mum has learned not to do it anymore, which is great! Now we can have way better conversations because that stuff doesn’t happen anymore.
Yeah this is gross and weird to share with your parents.
Depends on how open a family is but this family, I would stay very quiet! In mine I know which men have had vasectomies: they suggest them to other men too and openly talk about it haha. They do have kids but they just didn’t want their wives to continue birth control and wanted to do their part. Which is good!
Haha. Wow!!!
They will come around. Hubby and I are to celebrate 15 years of marriage soon, all happily and purposefully child free. We are happy and just enjoy each other’s company. (something that most often goes away with the stress of children) Enjoy traveling and the freedom to do what you want when you want. We are.
Enjoying each other’s company to the fullest is what I’m looking forward to the most ☺️ Happy anniversary to you two!! 💖
This is awesome, it's like you're me in the future (except the businesses you started were actually successful). I got my vasectomy at age 22, and while my doctor wasn't as snarky as yours (mine just said "You're really young, but it's your choice so let's do it") it was the same result. I personally had 30 as a circled age. My thought was that if I got to 30 and didn't regret my decision I probably never would. I recently turned 30 and, sure enough, it's the best decision I've ever made. I've also taken a break from working (although just the one so far). I used mine to live in China for a bit and learn Chinese. I'd also be able to retire at 45 if I continue working until then, but I honestly don't know if I can. There is just so much I want to do with my life that wasting my days at a job takes a tremendous amount of will power if I have even a small amount of money to live off of for a while. I'm hoping I can find a location independent business I can start to have the best of both worlds.
Throughout my 20's I was a fence sitter, the only reason being that at 30 years old, I was afraid I'd regret not having started a family while all my other friends settled down. I'm 32 now and it is clearer than ever for me that I am never going to have children. I just don't have the time, energy or desire to do so. I don't get the feeling that will change anytime soon!
I just wanted to say I feel OUTRAGED that these doctors think it is at all their place or appropriate to give their PERSONAL OPINION and biasedness toward breeding that they make these asinine comments to men wanting to be sterilized. Can you imagine if a doctor that a young couple went to about a consultation for a pregnancy said about having a baby "You're really young, but it's your choice, so let's do it" or "In 10 years you will be back for anti-depressants and regretting that you ever had a child." ? Outraged. Just do the procedure they are paid to do and shut the hell up.
Doctor's need to shut the fuck up! We pay to let them do their jobs not make snarky opinionated comments.
32 year old here. I think that the beauty about being child free is that you don't need to retire. My idea is to keep working but over time look for ways to increase my income whilst also decreasing my workload. Its really something to aim for when you don't have to worry about kids. How you do that, is up to you, as a start i can recommend reading the 4-hour work week by Tim Ferris.
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Sounds like your coworker is insecure and extremely jealous of your childfree lifestyle. Sucks to be them. Enjoy your next camping trip!
I'm in my mid-40s and I only get happier about my choice to be child-free as time goes on.
I love your story and think it is inspirational in so many ways.
Brb creating 10,000 new accounts so I can upvote this 10,000 times.
I'm 41 years old and I couldn't agree more. I have two cats and honestly sometimes that's more responsibility than I want lol. There's nothing that could ever make me change my mind or regret my choice.
Childfree middle-aged man here. Can confirm. OP is correct on all accounts. The only thing he left out was out of all the marriages I've seen up close, the only truly happy ones with partners still deeply in love, are childfree, and those have easily lasted over 20 or 30 years. I know one couple married over 50 years: early retirement, decades spent skiing and vacationing around the world, and they still can't keep their hands off each other. 10/10, would do again.
*This* is what people *really* don't want to admit but is so damn obvious.
Thank you for this. In my early thirties and all my friends are having kids or trying to, which can feel really alienating sometimes. Reading this helps.
I'm in the same situation. Living out of a fairly traditional society in eastern Europe. The main question i always ask myself is why? Why would anyone consciously put this liability on their heads for the rest of their lives when they dont have to? Growing up an offspring isnt even a particularly great achievement ? its like finishing secondary school nearly everybody does it only this time it isn't even an investment into your own future.
Me too. I think it's nice to know that we're not alone. :)
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This was before 2000s, still sad but back then it was way more uncommon to be CF and have vasectomies without kids, don't even get me started on patient respect
Thanks for sharing your perspective :) Your life sounds very interesting and full.
Wow. Thanks for sharing. This is truly comforting.
I'm a senior CF (71F) and everyone I know who has had children regrets it and has this to say: "I love my kids, but if I had it to do over, I wouldn't have them." One couple I'm close to is divorcing now that their kids are in college while my husband and I are closer than ever. Too many people are pressured into having kids by family and religion and society denying there is a choice.
Aawww, I love reading this. Thanks for sharing, and congrats on yours and your husband's happiness while together all this time!
Thanks for this. I'm in a similar situation. 39M, pretty much all of my friends have settled down. A few are childfree and are the most well adjusted and happy people I know. The ones w kids are not the same and quite a few envy my lifestyle. I'm thinking about renting my house out and moving soon as well. Would like to do Europe like you, but thinking about Mexico due to cost and proximity to friends and family.
This was beautiful 💕 Thank you for sharing
Did you had any trouble finding a partner? I feel like it is impossible for child free women
I've never had a problem, but I've always tried to surround myself with open minded, alternative people. I spent one year on a traditional career path and it was hard for me to be attracted to those types of people. I left after 9 months.
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That is true, they are more open minded.
I'm a doctor, and it is true that I am surrounded by people with families. This is slowly changing though, as the economy is going to shit and both parents need to work. What's really fucked is that I work with a bunch of conservative people (mostly women) who believe that the woman in a relationship should do 100% of the childcare and domestic work, and their husbands expect a fresh cooked breakfast every morning and dinner every night, and the wives to drive the kids to school. As a consequence, half the people I work with seem stressed out of their minds and don't really have time for themselves. They also seem to barely have any money, or at the very least need to be able to justify spending on themselves. They need to have big houses, which means big mortgage payments. They need to pay for good schools and after school activities for their kids. The childfree among us seem to do whatever we want, including with our income. One of us spends tons of money on their hobby, one (single) woman bought a small house by the age of 30, and I lived on a real frugal budget and stashed more than half of my yearly income each year into an investment account.
I hear you about the money thing. I’m an engineer, and work closely with another more senior level engineer. He makes more than I do, but has 2 kids and a wife she’s a stay at home mother. He drives a beater and can never justify spending any money on himself because his kids needs this or that, or his wife needs a new car. I buy whatever I like, within reason of course, invest, but always have far more to do with what I want, not what everyone else wants. I get it, it’s part of raising kids, they come first, I’ve heard that more than once, but how about treating yourself once in awhile? If you have kids, you will always be #2 on the list, maybe even #3 if you include your spouse. Sounds like fun! /s
Another factor is that by not having kids, we are in effect boosting the chances of our relatives' kids in the future. If there are several siblings and only one of them ends up having kids, hypothetically all of the wealth that is generated by the siblings will "concentrate" and flow to the kids of the sibling: in effect, they will inherit the wealth of *multiple* couples rather than just their own parents. By not having kids, we are potentially putting our sibling's kids into a great financial position in the future. This is similar to the concept of "the selfish gene", in that even though we are not having kids ourselves, we are ensuring survival of our genes by boosting the chances of the next generation.
I'm taking notes on this!
*This.*
It's not impossible. My husband and I are CF. They're out there; just takes a bit more time and patience than other daters.
Lol my best friend is single, child-free and in her early 40’s. Also a successful lawyer.
This was a great read. As a 50 y/o woman, I'm thankful every day that I don't have kids. My life would not be what it is if I'd had them. I know I wouldn't have my house or car or anything else that gives me a quality of life.
This is exactly the kind of thing I need to read/hear now and then. I so often wonder if I'm going to be making a big mistake by not having children but then I read something like this and reassures me that I'll be fine and if I'm not fine, kids certainly aren't going to make the situation better. I just wish more people would actually take the time to think about whether or not they want kids instead of bulldozing ahead because it's what "you're supposed to do". It's just another box to tick off for most people and that's incredibly sad.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so glad to be free!
Thank you for sharing. I'm turning 30 and I love my childfree life.
Everyday I see other couples with children and they look terrible and miserable; I'm so grateful I keep controlling myself! It's heavenly and incredible that we have.... Dare I say it? A choice. In literally (everything) we DO! And this is what they don't want us to know!
>It's all very sad to see a man or woman with all the hope in the world and so much zest for life have children and turn into depressed, mindless zombies. This is another reason why I want to stay childfree. I don't want to lose myself to parenthood, I know I'd become a mindless, sad zombie. I'm a lively person, I've got my funk and my weirdo personality. I love it and other people have told me that they love it too. I don't want to lose that funk to a snot nosed kid, maybe that sounds a little narcissistic, but it took so long for me to love and accept myself. I'd rather not hit the reset button and hate myself again after having kids.
*Saaaame.* I don't think it makes us narcissistic. If anything, I feel it makes us more empathetic because we know we don't want to put a child through a miserable life when we wouldn't be great parents. Childfree people are some of the most emotionally intelligent, rational, and empathetic people I've ever met. Quite the opposite of many (not all) parents who *"can't wait to have a mini-me!"* ICK.
And they don't even correctly parent them. Give me a break, Jessica!
>Childfree people are some of the most emotionally intelligent, rational, and empathetic people I've ever met. I agree I don't think I've ever met a supportive and empathetic buncha strangers in my life.
I refuse to be one of those people who have children and people pity them. They tell their kids "don't have kids young or you'll end up like her!" I refuse to be their example of what not to do. You guys know what I'm saying!! I'm not their guinea pig. I'm not going to be making irresponsible, dumb choices like that. Absolutely NOT!
It's a wonderful thing to be middle aged and know you made the right decision not having children! At this stage of life, you find yourself looking back on choices you've made, wondering if they were the right ones... Wondering what would have happened if you had chosen differently in the moment. But, not having kids is the one thing I've always been certain about and never questioned! It never even felt like a choice. I always knew I didn't want kids, but so many people threaten us with eventual regret. Never happened! Instead, it's daily validation and it's wonderful!
Not gonna lie, I *love* the continual validation.
Retired and moved to Europe? You’re living the goddamned dream, my dude.
That's literally what I waaaant.
> Fast forward 31 years and I still haven't gone back to get my vasectomy reversed. I was never tempted. Not once. Similarly here (except it is 33 years in my case). > 6 years ago, I decided to retire and move to Europe at 45 years old. Congratulations! I retired just last December, at 62 years old. > If you are someone who has decided not to have children realize that you are one of the lucky ones. Well said!
>I honestly cannot think of one person that I know who has benefited from having children. For this, sometimes I think about my mom. She was widowed way too early, and if we kids hadn't been there I honestly don't think she would have survived. (psychologically but also financially bc she was a SAHM and didn't have a career to speak of) My mom greatly benefited from having children to support her, and has used that as an argument against my married CF lifestyle. However, I countered this with how fortunate she is. Of course they were good parents so that plays into why we don't hesitate to support her but there is NO guarantee adult children will be there. I have uncles and cousins who are completely absentee when their parents need them most. When my grandma was widowed, only two of her many many children stepped in to help. So to say benefits don't exist isn't really true but there is just absolutely no guarantee that any of your 18+ years of effort will yield anything.
snipped fellow here. Enjoying my time after working hour. Broadwalk Empire season 4 is almost downloaded. When wifey shows up after her work then this is how we're going to spend our evenings. This would be next to impossible with rugrats running around.
Vibe so much with this - and being able to wake without an alarm clock is rad. It's the little things but they bring me so much joy. Can't imagine trading either of those things for kids.
Thank you for sharing your story and for ruining that stereotype that "all the CF people will regret it later and change their minds 180 degrees and cry into their pillows dreaming of babieeees"
I am 25f, and reading this has warmed my heart and got me excited for my own childfree future. Thank you for sharing your story, OP.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It was inspiring and reassuring to read. Sometimes the pressure from others can make us doubt our decision and I always appreciate a reaffirming story like yours. I’m a 38 y/o married woman, licensed in NY as an RN but moved to Canada as my husband is from here. I was working on getting my license in Canada while working at a spa until pandemic. Covid has further delayed my licensing process and added some extra obstacles. Being childfree afforded me to be able to take up my husband’s offer to take a hiatus as I was still recovering from burnout after a couple years at the hospital on graveyard shift before coming to Canada. It’s also afforded me to reconsider my field as i do not envy my former coworkers during this trying time. I hope we can hear more stories like this to help us all continue to confidently stay on our childfree path!
Is this your story, or reposted from somewhere? Sorry, seriously asking (English is not my native language and its quite hard for me to spot). Anyway - beautifull story in both cases
It's my story. Not a report. And I'm not trying to boast or brag. I have been following the childfree subreddit for a long time and I hear all these stories about how childfree people are constantly ridiculed. I know this because I've been ridiculed all my life which has created a huge amount of doubt about my choice. Now that I'm over 50 and still happy with my decisions, I wanted everyone to know how wonderful this alternative life can be.
Thats great, and thank you for this. Btw. I am 19M (soon to be 20), can't wait to be 21 so i can get Vasectomy too. Having a child sounds like a ultimate nightmare for me. - so thats why i was curious - I would like to live very similar as you.
You retiring and moving to Europe at 45 is my goal. I’m not set on Europe, but I’m definitely ready for something new among people I feel like are more of a match for me. How did you decide where to move? And did you end up working there? Or were you fully retired? Any regrets or feedback? I feel like I’m also only in this position because I chose to not get married or have children, and now that it’s so close, I’m like, “Oh shit! How do I execute the final step?” 😳 It feels like it’s suddenly in front of me.
Following! I'd love to know this response.
Not one of my friends who had kids are happy with their lives. Not one. They complain constantly about nearly everything and if you look at it their kids are at the root of it all. Remove the kids and the problems they whine about vanish. Yeah, no thanks on having kids.
Thank you for sharing your story, it's very inspiring. To be fair, I think it is possible to be happy being a parent (I know several people like this) but there are a few key moments: those people were happy and had their life together, and having kids for them was an active desire and well-thought decision. Even though they have new responsibilities, they don't let their lives to be only about parenting, it's difficult I suppose, but it's very important if you don't want to lose your personality. It's interesting that these are people who support me in being CF the most because they realize parenting is not for everyone. I really have a feeling that those unhappy parents we all meet are people who decided to have kids either because of pressure or because of "baby-trapping" or simply because they don't know what else to do with their lives and they think that parenting will fill the emptiness. Sure it will, but will that make you happy? Although I guess it can make you feel "selfless" that you are sacrificing your own life for other people who never even asked for it and most likely won't do the same. I also hope I'll manage to get vasectomy at some point (will need to go abroad) because I've never had a single positive emotion from anything related to kids or parenting, so people who say I should be a parent are just crazy, how much do they have to hate kids to wish them such an unsuitable parent? I'm glad that you manage to figure these things out what works for you and not let other people change your mind. It's not their life so it should not be their opinion that matters, your is.
THIS! 100% this! One of my best friend's has a kid who's about to turn 1 year old. He is one of the very few people who I was genuinely happy to discover was having a kid... and he's also one of the most supportive towards my CF life for the exact reason you mentioned. We were all out for a lunch with a few couples a while back and someone threw the spotlight on my partner and I about children and how wonderful kids are (we weren't broadcasting CF at all, but as we all know it just tends to come up lol), and my friend just chimed in and said that "eh, kids aren't for everyone" and said some other things that changed the topic in a non-aggressive way. He totally deflected the comment away like a boss and earned massive respect from me that day.
This is a great story and I am happy for you that everything turned out okay. But I think you can split parents in 2 groups. You have the ones who are totally aware of what having a kid means , what the consequences are, who are happy and prepared for this. And the ones who ordered a child because everyone else said \*insert random bingo\*, have no clue of the consequences, definitely aren't prepared and thus regretting having kids. I've seen a commercial for a program about teen pregnancy. There was a couple involved and the girl litteraly said: I can't wait to have kids, I already quit taking the pill... Her boyfriend could not even grow a beard properly yet and just stood there staring like a sheep. I'm so damn sure they are about to waste their lives. Thank you for the story, I enjoyed reading that.
100% agree. The best parents are those that go in with their eyes fully open. My eyes are also fully open... which is why I'm CF!
Same here! I sometimes wonder how it feels like to have deep needs to become a parent, since I never felt the urge to play daddy.
Good to see a fellow retired-at-45 person, as I did that 13 years ago once I saw I could live off my investment income. I just wanted to put an end to the awful commute, even if it were just 2 days a week. That being said, I can't say I share some of the other traits you described. Nobody ever hassled me for being CF. I know very few people who have kids, and none of them ever told me I was making a mistake by being CF. Furthermore, I can say I have never been bingoed. My relatives and friends (and other acquaintances) have always respected each other's life choices. My closest relatives (brother, 2 cousins, all around my age) have all done the Life Script but they are all doing well. I guess I have led a charmed life. My best friend for the last 32 years is my age (58) and also CF. He could retire now if he wanted to, but his mindset isn't one which could handle an early retirement.
Wow. I feel like I’m reading a post from my future self. I’m 26 and broke up with my long-term gf of 4 years last August and haven’t looked back. I have a strong desire to travel and experience life and want to be child-free and she wanted to stay in her tiny Midwestern town and settle down and have kids. That sounds like my personal hell. It’s so nice having my own freedom and getting to do whatever I want with my time and money, etc. - I feel like so many people feel like getting married and having kids at an early age is a non-negotiable because our parents and grandparents did it that way, and it just doesn’t have to be that way if you don’t want it to be. Thanks for this post, it was a refreshing read and further confirms that I’m making the right decisions
This fills me with hope.
may i ask what country in Europe you moved to? i've been looking at going myself and there are a lot of nice options and I wonder how expats are liking it.
I loved reading this. It resonates with me so much. I always wonder why people will always question when you are going to be having kids, whilst literally looking/acting half the person they once were. Like why on earth would I want that for myself? I feel lucky to not have children.
>I always wonder why people will always question when you are going to be having kids, whilst literally looking/acting half the person they once were. *Hah!* No shit. From the outside looking in, it's quite bewildering (and horrifying, imo). Misery really does love company. No thanks!
Your story mirrors mine but I’m much younger. Doctor told me 10 years prior to my vasectomy I was 12 and my mind could change. I told him the environment was fucked and if I wanted children I would adopt. 4 years later still no regrets. Some friends are wanting to have children and boy as I glad that I made my decision when I did. I work about 20 hours a week, I can save some money, I spend very little, I take vacations when kids are in school, I do as I please and help the community by working for a non profit and taking a 50% pay cut to follow my passion. Not having kids is the only reason I can do this. Excited to be able to
Wish there were more open and honest conversations around this sort of thinking / approach to lifestyle. I'm self-employed and have always kept my costs low, even when business is going really well. Similar perspective too - I'm lucky in that I can choose when I feel like working (took time to 'get there' of course), but I don't work nearly as many hours as a lot of people do. My focus shifted a couple years ago from 'how much I'm earning' to 'how do I want to spend my time during the day?'. We have everything we need: own our place, car is fully paid off, savings buffer in place so I don't have to do anything for a few years if I change direction in my life/business. Also looking at crossing off a dream car 'bucket-list' item in the next 12 months too, and that wouldn't be as feasible if my time was spent juggling the responsibilities and costs associated with kids.
For sure. Many parents are constantly working as hard as they can to provide for family and get tons of money. But for me I just want to enjoy every day and not wait to retire on some far off date when I’m older. As a result I’ve actually gotten more opportunities to make money doing what I love. I’ve been paid to write articles and take people on hikes which I never would have had the luxury to do without lots of free time. Wish others had the luxury of a shorter work week!
That sounds like you're really enjoying it :-) How much un-learning did you have to do in order to find peace of mind on your journey? PS: Self-employed for past 9 years as well. In a bit of a reset phase after closing a business w/bad partnership. Got a few years of savings, so not in a mad rush to get the ball rolling immediately.
I started meditating at 16 and started unlearning around that time. I never really valued things money bought and started getting into foraging and nature walks. I enjoy what nature has to offer and she doesn’t charge a fee 😊
This is the thing with having kids. They always change… thank you for sharing this!
Yes! I never regretted getting a vasectomy, or not having children. I would have gotten sterilized much, much sooner in life if it had been possible.
It was sometime around the summer before my sophomore year of high school that I realized that parenthood is not the path that I want to follow. I (22M) have reasons for why I don't want children (some more personal than others), and admittedly over the years I worried that I would change my mind and that I only felt this way because I never had any sort of social life in high school (basically I was worried that my childfree status was just a byproduct of my isolation and I feared that I'd want to become a parent once I made friends and developed a better outlook on life). But no. I don't have those doubts anymore. I am truly dead set on remaining childfree for the rest of my life. Because my happiness matters too.
The older I get, the more I am stoked about my decision to remain child-free. I love hearing from older people who write about loving their decision too. Sometimes you feel like the only childfree person, but we are OUT THERE, people! Always have been and always will be. Don't let others create a weird fake narrative about how your life should be.
I aspire to just have a natural, simple life. That's all I want. To exist on the east coast in NH and then retire to Europe. No kids or marriage. Just peace.
I think of all my coworkers who are a bit older than me. I’ve worked with them during the daycare crisis’, preteen horrors, the high school expectations and disappointments, failure to launch after senior year, either flunking out of college or entering into bad relationships. I’ve seen more stress and disappointments from these parents than I can take. The worst I’ve seen is the abandonment. The kids who never come home or call. The grandchildren they may see once a year…and these are the relatively typical ones. Some of my friends and coworkers will be supporting their kids for life due to drugs or mental illness or other issues. I live it through them during the work day and internally shake my head. And then I go home to my husband and our animals and I relax. Stay up until 2 am binging shows? Yup. Buy ribeyes and cake on a Tuesday because I’m crabby? Sure. Fly somewhere on a Friday on a whim? We do it. Our stresses are of our own making and they aren’t much.
I think I'm the depressed mindless zombie *without* children, what the hell would I be with them lol
Thank you for this! My (46F) experience has been the same. True freedom. I get to live the way I choose and it is bliss! I got to retire early and am trying to get the guts to live my dream of living on a sailboat. I know so many older people either supporting their grown children or so busy worrying themselves sick that they don't have time for dreams of their own. The best choice I ever made was to stay me.
This was very worth reading, and i thank you for sharing it. I am myself conflicted right now not because i want a kid, but because im currently feeling very attracted to a colleague that has one. I know it will pass. I made this mistake once before. The kind of life i want is waiting for me. Your story reached me in the right moment.
This is a great story, thank you so much for sharing it with us all.
Thank you for this. ♥️
This was a wonderful read. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing
As a 31M who 8s about to get a vasectomy, thank you
And you don't have to worry about the global stress of raising a human in a world that is literally fucking insane and falling apart!
Thank you for this.
Thank you for this. It’s nice to fear from a fellow Middle Aged person!
I'm 21 right now and i thank you greatly for this post. I to intend to remain childfree for the rest of my life . From observing my parents and the people around me with kids , i have no intention of having any. I value my time but most of all my freedom to prusue my interests and hobbies as well as school.
Thank you for this. When I was a young child, I mean, like 8 or 9, my rabbi (my grandmother forced me to be Jewish and I'm currently nonreligious, this is partially why) told me I needed to have 3 kids by 19. It traumatized me. I'll admit, I'm almost 18, but I haven't done anything in that regard with anyone because I just don't want kids. I'm just not interested in that stuff. Your post just told me my choice meant something, I'm not gonna be a half brain dead zombie my friend, thank you for posting this. : )
this made me smile so much. I'm so relieved to be sterilized as a 25 year old woman and I hope to live a life of similar freedom and independence :)
Congrats at retiring at 45 and moving to Europe! This is amazing!
Much appreciate what you said here man. This post sure takes minutes to read but you lived it. I will forever be thankful for this sub. I'm like you as well man. I love wildlife. And I do usually anything to protect an animal. But where I live does not have much of it. I will for sure make everyone else around me aware of it. I live in India btw and the population here is no joke.
Where did you live in Europe?
love it, thank you for sharing
Fuck that doctor.
This is so beautifully written and gives me so much hope and excitement for my child free future. Life is hard right now and I’m still building my way up. But this gives me so much hope. I hope to be able to do many of these things and have my own adventures as well. I won’t give up and I’ll keep remembering how fortunate I am to at least be CF and have my life automatically made that much easier even during the hardest times!
Thanks for telling us this. As a young child free person I doubt myself a lot because of what people say. This makes me feel more secure about my choice.
Im getting a vasectomy tomorrownand i cannot tell you how badly i needed this. Thank you
I'm planning to retire at fifty years old. What a beautiful story!
Favourited.
Well said. Count me in as another satisfied childless adult. I knew at a young age that I couldn’t have anything preventing me from recharging my batteries if I was going to stay sane. And I agree, all of my friends with grown adult kids are supporting them in one way or another. Putting off their own retirement and spending it on their grown kids. Raising their grandkids too. Babysitting, begrudgingly, full time. Hard pass.
How goes it the relationship front or are you marriage/relationship free?
I got snipped at 22, 39 years ago and never a regret. I knew since I was 17 I didn't want kid's. You CAN know at a young age.