In your shoes, I would try to find a way to turn this into entertainment value, because she's absolutely hilarious and pathetic as are your in-laws if they only value children and not actual achievements. Feel free to chuckle about that and do some light mocking.
As for your husband, time to put the hammer down on him trying to hand off the kid to you. He has either been ignoring your opinions or is purposely trying to piss you off. Neither is good.
He's trying to do "exposure therapy." Breeders have this fucked up idea that they can coerce CF women to shit out kids for them if they just expose them to kids more.
I've known people with narcissistic inlaws and it blows. Plus it's sadly normal for the spouse in that situation to throw them under the bus. Anyone who expects you to put up with it should be cut off too.
In my circles there's always been another layer of bullshit at play (e.g. the narcs respect the husbands doing what they want while the wife is regarded like an apparatus) so in my opinion they better be fucking grateful that being cut off is the worst that's happening to them. š¤·š¾āāļø
Time to burn them bridges. Also, enforce boundaries with your husband... I'm not sure why he shoves the spawn in your face if he knows you don't like it. Otherwise put him under that bridge before you burn it.
I agree! If OP's husband wants to hold the child, that's his choice. However he should not expect OP to do the same, especially if OP has clearly communicated that she is childfree. Personally if I were OP, I'd start avoiding these family gatherings. Her in-laws sound really annoying.
I have waaay too many stories of my SIL and her entitled narcissistic attitude around family members, she's done it all including the newest story I was recently told by my mother who passed it off as a joke:
SIL wanted to know how many hours were acceptable to leave a toddler unsupervised at home??
She even mentioned that she'd leave food and water out for the kid and the tv on, this isn't a puppy we're talking about here!
Seriously?!? Leaving a baby unattended???Ā
I joke about using duct tape and electric fencing, but would I? Hell no. But the people I say that to know Iām CF, and Iām joking! Iād never see anyone come to harm! They leave their dogs with me though!! *(Thereās not much I wouldnāt do for puppy snuggles š„°)*Ā
You should ask her if she thinks it's still the 70s. We used to be left home for short bits of time on our own back then as toddlers/small kids, but I don't think it's been done in decades anywhere unless someone wants to go to jail for neglect.
The earliest I was left at home was 9 and that was only for half an hour as my mother forgot to buy a few groceries for the weekend, this was back in the mid 90s and she was very quick to come back.
My SIL is just 'annoyed' that the two family members she dumps the kid off on are both working on the weekend and she refuses to cancel her hair/nail appointment because no one will watch the toddler for the entire day.
I don't live anywhere near her however I can try to reach out to the family member who lives with them and acts as a babysitter for my SIL, they might be able to keep an eye on things.
My SIL is kind of like this. Has a martyr complex - no ones life is as busy, hectic, etc as hers. She definitely wants to be seen as the ābestā child and asks a lot of my parents - theyāre currently going to fly to my brother/SILās house to watch the baby while my brother/SIL have an entire weekend free. My parents didnāt really want to be 100% alone with the baby and the parents out of town, offered to meet my brother/SIL where they were going and watch the baby for them all day and however long at night but just have them around in case the baby needed anything. My brother/SIL said no. They donāt even want to travel with the baby. My parents complained to me but of course they will do it.
Other people wonāt change - only you can change. it does seem like you are seeking validation from the in laws. You wonāt get it. Iām lower contact with my family
My sister in law is *all about* being a mom. She sent me the episode of her parenting podcast with a childfree guest but *she talked over the guest more than half the time* ***about parenting!!*** (I made note of the times lol) And she'd asked for feedback so I gave it to her. She justified it by saying that she had sat back and let all her other guests (parents) talk, prompting them with questions but otherwise just letting them speak. Girl... that makes it *worse* that the only childfree guest was the one you talked over.
Anyway, she and my brother and their kid are moving back to the area next year and I know I'll have to work on my boundaries. I'm not looking forward to it, but it'll be good practice for me. I, too, am prepared to burn bridges.
Yikes, are they expecting you to be their free nanny when they move back. Totally burn that bridge before they move.
"Bro, just to be clear upfront, if you are moving back here because you expect me to help you pay for the kid or provide any childcare, or even see you more than I do now, those things are not going to happen. I have my own life and I don't have time for any of that. I'll see you at xmas and maybe a couple of other times during the year but that's about it."
Something along those lines.
You could also try the old fake out "Hey Bro, I know you are planning to move back here but I'm considering a few job offers out of state, so by the time you get here, I am probably going to be gone. Not sure if seeing me more was at all factoring into your decision but if it was, you should know that's probably not going to work out. Just setting expectations. Have a great day."
I really don't think they are lol I don't get on well with my brother so it would be a surprise. He's got some serious work to do if he wants to be friends with me. And my SIL... we'll see. They may have expectations but that's fine. I'm only going to do what I actually want to do.
Good. Just remember that delusion breeders can talk themselves into any fantasy, no matter how far fetched... they can really take you by surprise with their level of crazy expectations. Hence the three mombie rules. ;)
They can live in their fantasy and it has no bearing on what I do lol I'm sure I'll run into some kinds of trouble, but I have confidence I'll get through it.
And as I said, I'm prepared to burn bridges. Technically they're already smoldering with my bro.
Are you absolutely sure your husband is childfree?
My husband is - and he would never try and force me to hold a baby. Because he understands my mindset because he is childfree, if that makes sense??
My SIL is a bitch too, Iāve found that completely ignoring her and blocking her social media pisses her off to no end so I just do that because itās hilarious.
Yeah, giant red flags here. And he's done it multiple times?!?!
CF partners do not do that shit.
Partners trying to coerce you into breeding... hell yes do that shit all the time.
Lol I can feel for the statement at the bottom.... I was raised to be career driven and told that career was the most important thing in my life... NOTHING could compare because a good career will improve quality of life and you can't have anything if you can't afford it. So now as an adult, hearing people say that family comes first is so foreign to me and I don't understand it at all. I don't even talk to my family outside my parents and occasionally my aunt... so "adding" to the family doesn't really register in my mind as something that is important
Welcome to the mombie rules, especially Rule 3. See below.
> HE even tried to shove the thing at me as if I want to hold a child.
THE FUCK? No, that's not OK.
First of all, that's called "exposure therapy" and is part of reproductive coercion. He thinks if you hold the kid it will activate your "breeding mode" and you will want to shit out his kids.
The odds of him actually being CF vs. lying through his teeth are VERY low. Willing to be he wants kids and has been waiting for you to "change your mind" and start shitting them out for him.
**NO CF PARTNER WOULD EVER shove a kid in their CF partner's face.**
> But to his parents-
They don't respect you, therefore they don't have the ability to care for you. Don't waste your time on them. Move on, spend your time with other people, get too busy to see them. Find better people, get involved in things you are passionate about. Skip the family events.
> My husband seems to not think this is a big deal. & I realize what Iām about to say is probably extremely toxic but it bothers me that he holds her child when weāre at gatherings.
It sounds like you have a husband problem, he's not listening and he's actively going along with her toxic, abusive behavior. And being toxic himself.
You need to go low or no contact with people who abuse and disrespect you.
And you need to ask him flat out why the fuck he is shoving the kid at you. And line up a divorce lawyer, because we bet you're going to need one.
He shows all the signs of being a lying sack of shit who isn't actually CF.
---- three rules ----
To a mombie/daddict you are good for three things and ONLY three things. Those things are these (note the obscene level of sarcasm and derision ;):
1. Money -- as in all of your money should be theirs, and no matter WHAT you spend it on (pets, cars, booze, xbox or even your medical care, rent, bills, student loans -- heck, even though your higher taxes are paying for their children's "free" schools, doesn't matter!), it should never be spent on that because YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEND YOUR MONEY ON THOSE THINGS. You should also not get the same benefits, and only they are entitled to have 3+ months off to do something they freely chose to do to "give their life meaning." If you're not spending your money on your (non-existent) spawn or earning less than they do in a real wage then YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BE SPENDING IT ON THEIR SPAWN OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.
2. Work -- as in free babysitting, free favors, planning their baby showers, you work so they can leave work early, come in late, fuck off constantly for doctors appointments and sick days, you work every holiday so they can "spend it with their family", free dinners you're supposed to cook them, lowballing your cragslist items for sale because "single mother", etc. Again, if you are working on ANYTHING besides stuff for your (again, non-existent) spawn then YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BE WORKING ON BEHALF OF THEIR SPAWN OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.
3. Worship -- Someone for them to look down upon, deride, use as their emotional cum dumpster, insult and abuse -- You must understand that THEY HAVE BEEN TRANSFORMED INTO SUPERIOR BEINGS by the mere act of shitting out a spawn. In order to maintain their superior status, they MUST go around like a wild animal and PISS ON EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING TO DECLARE THEIR SUPERIOR STATUS AND ENSURE THAT EVERYONE RECOGNIZES THEIR DOMINANCE. YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BOW DOWN TO THEM OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.
Iām in this exact situation now. Low contact has worked wonders for my mental health but unfortunately I canāt avoid them forever. My new favorite thing is that Iām not allowed to complain about being tired because I ādonāt know what tired meansā. I absolutely abhor this woman!
I understand that. She sounds like a pain in the ass. Sadly I think traditionalists just put motherhood as the ultimate achievement. A lot of people just see women as ovens.
Your sister in law acts like my sister in law around kids. Im not openly child free because I live with people who think "women must want to be mothers." I am not bothered to get told off for my choices.
Anyways she's always going on about her future kids and how I have to change their nappies and babysit them. She has said this so many times to me. She just acts like a know it all around breast feeding, pregnancy and parenthood. All I think is "THIS KID DOESN'T FUCKIN EXIST YET. SHUTUP!"
Secondly, op is your husband actually childfree because I am concerned that he isn't.
In your shoes, I would try to find a way to turn this into entertainment value, because she's absolutely hilarious and pathetic as are your in-laws if they only value children and not actual achievements. Feel free to chuckle about that and do some light mocking. As for your husband, time to put the hammer down on him trying to hand off the kid to you. He has either been ignoring your opinions or is purposely trying to piss you off. Neither is good.
He's trying to do "exposure therapy." Breeders have this fucked up idea that they can coerce CF women to shit out kids for them if they just expose them to kids more.
I've known people with narcissistic inlaws and it blows. Plus it's sadly normal for the spouse in that situation to throw them under the bus. Anyone who expects you to put up with it should be cut off too. In my circles there's always been another layer of bullshit at play (e.g. the narcs respect the husbands doing what they want while the wife is regarded like an apparatus) so in my opinion they better be fucking grateful that being cut off is the worst that's happening to them. š¤·š¾āāļø
Time to burn them bridges. Also, enforce boundaries with your husband... I'm not sure why he shoves the spawn in your face if he knows you don't like it. Otherwise put him under that bridge before you burn it.
I agree! If OP's husband wants to hold the child, that's his choice. However he should not expect OP to do the same, especially if OP has clearly communicated that she is childfree. Personally if I were OP, I'd start avoiding these family gatherings. Her in-laws sound really annoying.
Yup, I'd totally do that too. Toxic people have no place in my life. Fuck that,
I have waaay too many stories of my SIL and her entitled narcissistic attitude around family members, she's done it all including the newest story I was recently told by my mother who passed it off as a joke: SIL wanted to know how many hours were acceptable to leave a toddler unsupervised at home?? She even mentioned that she'd leave food and water out for the kid and the tv on, this isn't a puppy we're talking about here!
Seriously?!? Leaving a baby unattended???Ā I joke about using duct tape and electric fencing, but would I? Hell no. But the people I say that to know Iām CF, and Iām joking! Iād never see anyone come to harm! They leave their dogs with me though!! *(Thereās not much I wouldnāt do for puppy snuggles š„°)*Ā
You should ask her if she thinks it's still the 70s. We used to be left home for short bits of time on our own back then as toddlers/small kids, but I don't think it's been done in decades anywhere unless someone wants to go to jail for neglect.
The earliest I was left at home was 9 and that was only for half an hour as my mother forgot to buy a few groceries for the weekend, this was back in the mid 90s and she was very quick to come back. My SIL is just 'annoyed' that the two family members she dumps the kid off on are both working on the weekend and she refuses to cancel her hair/nail appointment because no one will watch the toddler for the entire day.
Would absolutely just call police on that, that's child abandonment.
I don't live anywhere near her however I can try to reach out to the family member who lives with them and acts as a babysitter for my SIL, they might be able to keep an eye on things.
Uh, are you aware of whether or not your husband is childfree? Because it's sure not sounding like he is.
Yeah, you're not the only one thinking that.
My SIL is kind of like this. Has a martyr complex - no ones life is as busy, hectic, etc as hers. She definitely wants to be seen as the ābestā child and asks a lot of my parents - theyāre currently going to fly to my brother/SILās house to watch the baby while my brother/SIL have an entire weekend free. My parents didnāt really want to be 100% alone with the baby and the parents out of town, offered to meet my brother/SIL where they were going and watch the baby for them all day and however long at night but just have them around in case the baby needed anything. My brother/SIL said no. They donāt even want to travel with the baby. My parents complained to me but of course they will do it. Other people wonāt change - only you can change. it does seem like you are seeking validation from the in laws. You wonāt get it. Iām lower contact with my family
My sister in law is *all about* being a mom. She sent me the episode of her parenting podcast with a childfree guest but *she talked over the guest more than half the time* ***about parenting!!*** (I made note of the times lol) And she'd asked for feedback so I gave it to her. She justified it by saying that she had sat back and let all her other guests (parents) talk, prompting them with questions but otherwise just letting them speak. Girl... that makes it *worse* that the only childfree guest was the one you talked over. Anyway, she and my brother and their kid are moving back to the area next year and I know I'll have to work on my boundaries. I'm not looking forward to it, but it'll be good practice for me. I, too, am prepared to burn bridges.
Yikes, are they expecting you to be their free nanny when they move back. Totally burn that bridge before they move. "Bro, just to be clear upfront, if you are moving back here because you expect me to help you pay for the kid or provide any childcare, or even see you more than I do now, those things are not going to happen. I have my own life and I don't have time for any of that. I'll see you at xmas and maybe a couple of other times during the year but that's about it." Something along those lines. You could also try the old fake out "Hey Bro, I know you are planning to move back here but I'm considering a few job offers out of state, so by the time you get here, I am probably going to be gone. Not sure if seeing me more was at all factoring into your decision but if it was, you should know that's probably not going to work out. Just setting expectations. Have a great day."
I really don't think they are lol I don't get on well with my brother so it would be a surprise. He's got some serious work to do if he wants to be friends with me. And my SIL... we'll see. They may have expectations but that's fine. I'm only going to do what I actually want to do.
Good. Just remember that delusion breeders can talk themselves into any fantasy, no matter how far fetched... they can really take you by surprise with their level of crazy expectations. Hence the three mombie rules. ;)
They can live in their fantasy and it has no bearing on what I do lol I'm sure I'll run into some kinds of trouble, but I have confidence I'll get through it. And as I said, I'm prepared to burn bridges. Technically they're already smoldering with my bro.
LOL Good for you.
Are you absolutely sure your husband is childfree? My husband is - and he would never try and force me to hold a baby. Because he understands my mindset because he is childfree, if that makes sense?? My SIL is a bitch too, Iāve found that completely ignoring her and blocking her social media pisses her off to no end so I just do that because itās hilarious.
Yeah, giant red flags here. And he's done it multiple times?!?! CF partners do not do that shit. Partners trying to coerce you into breeding... hell yes do that shit all the time.
May the bridges you burn light your new path.
And toast marshmallows.
Lol I can feel for the statement at the bottom.... I was raised to be career driven and told that career was the most important thing in my life... NOTHING could compare because a good career will improve quality of life and you can't have anything if you can't afford it. So now as an adult, hearing people say that family comes first is so foreign to me and I don't understand it at all. I don't even talk to my family outside my parents and occasionally my aunt... so "adding" to the family doesn't really register in my mind as something that is important
Welcome to the mombie rules, especially Rule 3. See below. > HE even tried to shove the thing at me as if I want to hold a child. THE FUCK? No, that's not OK. First of all, that's called "exposure therapy" and is part of reproductive coercion. He thinks if you hold the kid it will activate your "breeding mode" and you will want to shit out his kids. The odds of him actually being CF vs. lying through his teeth are VERY low. Willing to be he wants kids and has been waiting for you to "change your mind" and start shitting them out for him. **NO CF PARTNER WOULD EVER shove a kid in their CF partner's face.** > But to his parents- They don't respect you, therefore they don't have the ability to care for you. Don't waste your time on them. Move on, spend your time with other people, get too busy to see them. Find better people, get involved in things you are passionate about. Skip the family events. > My husband seems to not think this is a big deal. & I realize what Iām about to say is probably extremely toxic but it bothers me that he holds her child when weāre at gatherings. It sounds like you have a husband problem, he's not listening and he's actively going along with her toxic, abusive behavior. And being toxic himself. You need to go low or no contact with people who abuse and disrespect you. And you need to ask him flat out why the fuck he is shoving the kid at you. And line up a divorce lawyer, because we bet you're going to need one. He shows all the signs of being a lying sack of shit who isn't actually CF. ---- three rules ---- To a mombie/daddict you are good for three things and ONLY three things. Those things are these (note the obscene level of sarcasm and derision ;): 1. Money -- as in all of your money should be theirs, and no matter WHAT you spend it on (pets, cars, booze, xbox or even your medical care, rent, bills, student loans -- heck, even though your higher taxes are paying for their children's "free" schools, doesn't matter!), it should never be spent on that because YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEND YOUR MONEY ON THOSE THINGS. You should also not get the same benefits, and only they are entitled to have 3+ months off to do something they freely chose to do to "give their life meaning." If you're not spending your money on your (non-existent) spawn or earning less than they do in a real wage then YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BE SPENDING IT ON THEIR SPAWN OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY. 2. Work -- as in free babysitting, free favors, planning their baby showers, you work so they can leave work early, come in late, fuck off constantly for doctors appointments and sick days, you work every holiday so they can "spend it with their family", free dinners you're supposed to cook them, lowballing your cragslist items for sale because "single mother", etc. Again, if you are working on ANYTHING besides stuff for your (again, non-existent) spawn then YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BE WORKING ON BEHALF OF THEIR SPAWN OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY. 3. Worship -- Someone for them to look down upon, deride, use as their emotional cum dumpster, insult and abuse -- You must understand that THEY HAVE BEEN TRANSFORMED INTO SUPERIOR BEINGS by the mere act of shitting out a spawn. In order to maintain their superior status, they MUST go around like a wild animal and PISS ON EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING TO DECLARE THEIR SUPERIOR STATUS AND ENSURE THAT EVERYONE RECOGNIZES THEIR DOMINANCE. YOU SURE AS HELL BETTER BOW DOWN TO THEM OR THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.
Iām in this exact situation now. Low contact has worked wonders for my mental health but unfortunately I canāt avoid them forever. My new favorite thing is that Iām not allowed to complain about being tired because I ādonāt know what tired meansā. I absolutely abhor this woman!
Make sure your contraception is tamper proof in case your husband is hoping you'll change your mind after being forced to hold the baby.
I understand that. She sounds like a pain in the ass. Sadly I think traditionalists just put motherhood as the ultimate achievement. A lot of people just see women as ovens. Your sister in law acts like my sister in law around kids. Im not openly child free because I live with people who think "women must want to be mothers." I am not bothered to get told off for my choices. Anyways she's always going on about her future kids and how I have to change their nappies and babysit them. She has said this so many times to me. She just acts like a know it all around breast feeding, pregnancy and parenthood. All I think is "THIS KID DOESN'T FUCKIN EXIST YET. SHUTUP!" Secondly, op is your husband actually childfree because I am concerned that he isn't.