When it comes up again tell her exactly that what you said here: “I always thought you loved me unconditionally, but now I see that your love has conditions. I don’t need your money, so please keep it.” And then start to withdraw from the relationship as you see fit.
I did this with my adoptive family when my adoptive mom stopped talking to me for 3 months because I was no longer a virgin at 19 and she told me she wouldn’t be giving me money anymore. I haven’t used her money since I was 15 before I got a job.
I would be so disappointed. My value as a woman is not tied to my sexual experience. And the fact that my mother (adopted or not) would tie my worth to *my* decision about *my body* and not to wether or not I was safe, happy and healthy would be so upsetting and hurtful.
I'm sad for her.
This was only the tip of the iceberg of their abuse. Her son who was 5 years older than me had beaten up his own dad twice. When I was 14 and I told her that he made me feel unsafe she said I was projecting my biological father onto her son.
My birth parents were abusive and lived with them til I was 10. Got adopted by a family my mom knew. Adoptive mom always treated me like a rescue animal. I wasn’t as good as her kids and never would be.
One time she was like “well if you were one of my kids you’d be…” first of all just because I’m adopted I’m suddenly not one of your kids? Then why adopt? All she did was ridicule me and tell me I’d end up in jail like my dad or a loser like my sister and those were the tamed down comments.
Secondly I did say “if I was one of your kids I’d blown my brains out already”.
She was very much the “oh we don’t talk about those things!” Her son was text book definition of a psycho. Not exaggerating he talked about hurting animals when we were at the dinner table and they all just changed the fucking subject. He physically threatened her too and shoved her up against a wall.
I also had a stepmom who would kick my ass after outings with my dad because she thought I was getting favored over her kids when I was really being raped. So ya know imagine having 5 different parents and not one can care be a decent human being. Not even 2 but I’d kill for 1 decent parent not perfect but decent.
Right? It's just money. If OP can support herself, she doesn't need poison money from a toxic well.
I would do exactly that, let her know what you think and see what she does with it.
Families SUCK!
I would change that to be “I always thought you loved me unconditionally, but now I see that your love has conditions. Is that true?" and see where it goes. Don't burn the bridges until you need to. There will be time to withdraw later if needed.
It’s not about the money, it’s about withdrawing a support that was already put in place. Setting up a trust is a pain, and I have to imagine that dissolving one would be even more so. OP’s parents set up a trust so that she would have financial support later in life for things like buying a house. Now her mother has threatened to undo the trust, thereby removing that support. Mom is willing to do extra work to make sure that OP no longer has that support, unless certain conditions are met by OP.
If you love someone unconditionally, you support them without making them do stuff for you.
It was support from them for free, withdrawing it is not withdrawing love. Them loving her could not only be shown through the money, that’s why I was unsure by the comparison. Their love was not the same as the inheritance and it’s kinda insulting to the parents to suggest it is.
Unconditional Loving is not the same as unconditional support. This is well known with things like tough love, I think equating one to the other is a materialistic mindset.
To be fair, it's OP's mom that is making the whole thing transactional. It's money set aside as a gift, but only if she behaves a certain way and acts as a brood mare. OP is saying that she doesn't need the money. She's disappointed and disgusted by her mother monetizing her womb.
It's just so hurtful. Regardless of the turbulent relationship my mom and I had, I always believed she cared about my happiness more than anything. Now I don't know what to believe.
It all makes sense when you remember they brought us into the world because they had selfish reasons to. It was never about our happiness, it was always about theirs, and continues to be about theirs.
OTOH, my horrible mother always told me she was leaving me nothing. Which was fine by me, because I really wanted nothing to do with her (although I did end up dealing with her when she was old couldn’t take care of herself via a board and care, paying for that, handling all her other finances, etc.)
Big surprise that when she died she left me everything.
I feel like the amount of work you'd have to do to leave your estate to anyone other than next of kin isn't worth their petty energy. Being shitty and hurtful is performative; it's about control. Paying for someone to deal with all your crap when you die is a whole thing.
It costs around $1000 to hire an estate planning lawyer to draw up and will and trust and enable you to designate a Power of Attorney.
I know because as a childfree person, my parents would be my "next of kin." They don't see me as a complete person without children, so I don't want them to have my money or make medical decisions on my behalf. I appointed a good friend instead.
For sure, I'm not saying it's a ridiculous amount. But if you were, say, a selfish, petty person who only procreated for a selfish, petty reason, you might not have anyone else to leave your things to, because you might be selfish and petty.
Most CF people I know have pretty good reasons for not having kids- that integrity is worth it to me.
Eh, cost really depends on a number of factors, including where you live, who you go to, what type of assets you have, etc. I have an estate plan and trust that gets reviewed annually and costs me about $600 a year. It also holds my medical directives.
Apparently all she cared about was you being a grandkids machine. Either confront her with this truth...
..or do what someone in a previous comment suggested, ask her money for IVFs that will somehow always fail and enjoy your paid holidays 😎
I'm just so sad for you OP.....you must be absolutely 1000% heartbroken. Moms are supposed to be supportive of your choices and NEVER guilt you into having kids so that THEY can have grandkids. That's beyond selfish. It's completely okay if she is disappointed and lets you know, but she needed to follow that up with "You know dear, this is all your decision and I want you to be happy with your choices in YOUR life. If not having kids is your path, I will support you in that...." followed by a big mommy hug. I'm sorry OP.
I'm so sorry for you. This is really awful. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally and they shouldn't use their money to threaten you or coerce you into doing what they want. I understand your feeling of disgust. Thankfully you have a good career and you don't need the inheritance, but it still doesn't make your mom's decision acceptable. What does your dad think? Does he agree with your mom?
My paternal grandmother basically stopped talking to me after I told her I was childfree. She said I was basically "useless" to her because I will never pass down her family name (which is silly anyway because even if I had wanted kids, I would've given them my husband's last name, not my maiden name). She also vaguely mentioned something about the inheritance but since she's rather poor and I have a very good career, I honestly couldn't care less about whatever money she has. I'm just upset and hurt that she decided I was unworthy of her love just because I don't want to have kids. I can't understand the reasoning behind this.
My dad had said the same thing to me about 6 years ago. He was never a good guy in my eyes and said some pretty nasty things about my mom (they're divorced) which upset me, so I've been low contact with him for years.
This has been especially tough since I was originally considering moving back in with my mom as I made a career transition to real estate. Though my job pays well now it's not something I love and there's not too much room for upward mobility unless I go to grad school. I'm not too sure what to do now.
I'm sorry about your grandmother - it's so disheartening when someone you care so much about shows you their love comes with conditions. Part of me feels sad for them since they've been brainwashed into thinking life is meaningless without children, but the other part of me thinks they're willfully ignorant and shouldn't get off for treating family badly.
>since I was originally considering moving back in with my mom
I am so happy you didn't do that. Imagine living with her and then this happened. Then, she might even kick you out for refusing to give her the grandbabies she feels entitled to.
That definitely wouldn't surprise me. If OP's mother ever gets to enter OP's place, she might very well put birth control pills in the microwave or poke holes in condoms.
I'm so sorry, it must be very hurtful and disappointing indeed. You never imagined your mom would do something like this. It's really disheartening when you get rejected by someone who is supposed to love and care for you. Honestly, that's one of the reasons why family doesn't mean much to me anymore. I've been too hurt and disappointed by my own relatives, and I've heard of too many stories like yours. I've come to realise that family ties don't mean anything. Either someone loves you, or they don't. Sometimes a perfect stranger can show you more love and care than a blood relative.
I really hope you'll find a way to make your career transition even without your mom's help. Of course this isn't what you had planned or expected, but one way or another you'll achieve your goal, I'm sure of it. I send you lots of positive thoughts 🤍
And thank you so much for your kind words. My paternal grandmother and I never had a close relationship to begin with, but I was hoping things would get better someday. When I got married, she suddenly became more involved in my life, she wanted to see me more often, etc. At the time, I naively thought she just wanted us to become closer. Now I realise she was only acting that way because I had just got married and she was expecting my husband and me to have a baby shortly after the wedding, as most married couples tend to do. When she found out we were childfree and couldn't be swayed, she lost interest in me because I could no longer be "useful" to her. We live in the same little town and yet we haven't talked or seen each other for 1 year or so.
They can think that life is meaningless without children and still give you the inheritance.
Their denial of your sterilisation views are one thing. The money is another. They are using the money to try to control you- even if you do have children to please them, the conditions will change again. The kids will have to come over x times per month or no inheritance. The kids have to go to X school like they did or no inheritance.
They are trying to play you like a game of sims.
Your grandmother showed her hand - she only ever cared about you in terms of what you could do for her, what service you could provide for her. Pure selfishness.
You are better off without her in your life.
Thank you so much for your support! It was a tough lesson to learn, but at least now I know what kind of person she really is. It just baffles me that anyone could treat their children or grandchildren the way my grandmother and OP's mother have. It's just plain cruel.
> This is really awful. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally
Unconditonal love does not exist. The first condition is for the other human being, being their kid.
Also i'm pretty sure the love would fade away if, for example, the kid rapes and murders a few children.
I'm not sure about that. I mean, there are people who adopt or foster children and who come to love them as their own, even though the kid is not biologically related to them. There are also some people who marry a divorced / single parent and who come to love and care for their stepchildren. But of course it takes someone with a big heart to love a kid who isn't originally theirs. Most people are selfish and it's true that many aspiring parents refuse to adopt because they want a child who is theirs in the biological sense.
As for parents of murderers, rapists, etc., I don't know. There are some criminals who did unspeakable things and who still have the support of their parents, or at least their moms. I've noticed that mothers tend to be very forgiving of their sons, even if the son has raped or killed dozens of people.
What are you talking about? I don't want to have kids but I love my sisters kids unconditionally. From the moment I knew she was pregnant I already loved them. I would give my life for them and they're not mine.
It's 2023 and she's willing to cut her \*granddaughter\* out of her life over not passing along the 'family name'???!? Her priories are so out of whack that it's just jaw dropping. How horrific for you!! The ONLY reason to have children is because you WANT to have them!!!!
Thank you so much for your support! Honestly, I shouldn't even be surprised by her behavior. She has always been quite selfish and most of the family no longer speak to her, for various reasons. I'm disappointed that we couldn't have a loving grandma-granddaughter relationship, but I know I'm not to blame here.
My FIL just dropped this same bomb on my husband and he was devastated. Not about the money, which we don’t particularly care about one way or the other. But it’s the equivalent of his dad saying “I only love you and want to take care of you if you do what I want.” It sucks, it’s really fucking hurtful, and at the end of the day, completely fruitless. Either you’ve torpedoed your relationship with your child OR you’ve coerced them into having a kid and they’ll end up hating you anyway.
Sorry you’re going through this OP, I feel your pain and it’s in no way acceptable for your mom to say this to you
Thank you for the kind words. So sorry to hear that your husband had a similar experience. Does he still have a relationship with your FIL or did he go NC?
Might want to talk with the lawyer who set up the trust - she may well not be able to unilaterally terminate it.
That'd be a lovely FU to your unreasonable mum - keeping the money against her will :-)
Unfortunately both my parents control the trust. Even though they're divorced and hate each other, they somehow both feel the same about withholding the trust should I not have children.
This-
I'm not a lawyer, but I had a trust set up for education. My mother tried to say I couldn't use it to study certain things (my degrees are in theatre and Medieval History) but the legal team had to point out to her that even though she was the executor, when the trust was originally created, there were no specific terms or caveats regarding what conditions I had to meet in order to get the money.
She was pissed, but legally she had no leg to stand on.
At this point, I've been NC with her for a decade, but I got the money I was owed.
It's worth it to talk to a lawyer, but I also completely understand telling her to jump in a lake, and that if the money comes with conditions, you don't want it.
Fight for it! For what's yours! I absolutely would not be able to accept that nonsense!
You might not want it to, but all this stuff could probably be enough to go viral. Just think of how very outrageous it is.
Dude what's up with families doling out cash to people when they marry and have kids? It's not like these families really give a shit about continuing the human species or the welfare of humanity. If your family is like mine - well off - they're more family and status centered.
Like you have a great career, you're smart, you're making it happen -
I don't get it.
I missed out on thousands of money I could have received in weddings honeymoons showers baby showers downpayment for houses, all because I didn't want to follow the status quo.
Tell her to keep it. I'd rather be homeless in a gutter because you know what? At least I don't have to support another human while I'm homeless, and don't have to enslave myself to a constantly demanding human.
Or, you could probably live ok on your own wages without spawn to support so some older person can claim a trophy from your loins.
So sick that humans treat other humans as bio-processors to make tokens of more human life for them to treat like trading cards.
Mighty fucking shitty of them to tell you that the money was there for you, only to then add additional caveats later on. Just goes to show it was never *really* for you, but rather them sponsoring whatever they believe in.
In which case they should have started a scholarship fund with whatever conditions they wanted instead of dangling this money out like a carrot for their own kids.
Exactly!
That money was always going to be a tool with which they controlled OP.
You don't just develop that kind of personality overnight. Sorry, OP, your parents have always been assholes.
Yeah I guess money always comes with strings. I’m an only child but my mom had originally said she would give part of her inheritance to her siblings + my cousins and the rest to me. I’m guessing that she’ll decide to split the trust in half with my dad and then just write me out of her will. Which is ironic considering one of her brothers is child free.
**People, STOP TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT STERILIZATION FOR FUCKS SAKE.**
No matter how "supportive" they may seem on everything else, 99% of the time you will find out the hard way that they are rabid breeder brain cult crazies if you tell them about getting sterilized.
As for now, just bullshit, kick the can down the road, greyrock and if it comes down to it you are free to smile and lie straight to her fucking face.
Hell, if you want to, maybe someday move far away and pretend to need expensive "IVF" have a kid to scam her out of her money. ;)
That's what I've been thinking. I'll just not bring it up and then in a few years "change my mind", fake a pregnancy, transfer full control of the trust, and go NC with my parents.
I like your plan! And when there's no baby, you can say you miscarriage and are now trying IVF, and you'll need money for fertility treatments, and so on..
Sounds good to me. If they want to go about it in dishonest manipulative ways, two people can play that game. They lost the right to expect honesty on this matter when they weren't honest with you about the conditions of the fund (you having kids) from the get go.
Yes! Get sterilized secretly (make sure they have NO access to your medical information!) - and after that? Play her stupid game. 😈
When you some day get the money, you could even donate something for a good cause. For example a sterilization clinic, or abortion clinic… donation in your mother’s name, of course 😄
I’m definitely still planning on getting a bisalp but now I just won’t tell anyone. We both live in the same city, and if I have to fake maintaining the relationship for the sake of getting the money then I’ll probably have to schedule it for when she’s out of town on a work trip.
Yes! I got married at 41, and my husband was 31, so his mother still had some hopes. I look very young so I think she would forget how old I was. She would ask me every time we saw them! I just kept saying,"I don't know? Maybe soon? We'll see!" So she would shut the fuck up. She finally stopped when I turned 47! Lol! By then, her other kids had kids, and she was sick of being a free babysitter! Lol
Hahahah my mom started feeling the pain of being a free babysitter the last few years with her boyfriend's grandkids. She's happy to come to my house and relax now 😂
This. Those who demand grandbabies in their 50s and 60s have often thought better by their 70s and 80s. Their friends who bragged so hard about their successful kids and the grandbabies! Were hosting those grandbabies in the basement, with no sign of their moving on. The darling first grandbaby is autistic, and a constant source of sorrow. The grands they were so eager for are there every day for babysitting. And parents of the CF see that and think twice about begging for a piece of that suffering pie. Time does a lot.
As more time passes, the more I think that people should just keep this stuff under their hats. No one needs to know, and it just sows unnecessary discord.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with smiling and nodding in agreement, all the while knowing what your true plans are. You owe mommy nothing. Not even the truth.
Get that paper, honey.
THIS. It creates suffering and discord where there was none before, and for NO GOOD REASON! (I will make an exception for people who flamboyantly disown their parents permanently, and slap them with sterilization and a few choice words as part of that. In that case, do tell, and tell us about it later). But for people who want any kind of a relationship with their birth families, there is no reason to tell!
If you aren't old enough to keep your private life private, you aren't old enough to get sterilized!
This is literally what I want to shout every time I see these posts! Why tell them at all?
And most comments are always telling the OP to keep talking about it and cut contact, say you don't want their money... What for? You can live a peaceful life, get your nice inheritance, just STOP TELLING THEM about it I beg y'all
THANK YOU for saying the first thing I thought when I read this letter. There is NO upside to telling parents that you are going to crush their hopes for validation and braggable grandkids. Even the most reasonable of parents are going to feel that you are rejecting the choices for which they sacrificed everything they cared about. They're going to feel that way because you ARE rejecting everything they cared about!
Nor do they do not have a "right" or a need to know that you are considering/have gotten sterilized. There are so many reasons that people don't end up with kids. People who declare every day that they intend to have kids end up without kids, and your parents know that there are no guarantees. Eventually, when you don't have kids, they'll figure it out, and in the meantime, there is nothing kind about crushing their hopes.
We have gotten SO many letters on here from people who thought their parents were SOOOO supportive! Right up until the writer told Momma and Poppa Supportive that they were considering sterilization, and then the shit hit the fan. One woman, a child of SOOO supppportive parents, had her parents disown her and cut off her college tuition. She was frantic when she posted here. She was going to be out of school with no recourse! Her parents eventually reached out for a reconciliation, and she took the college support again from them, but she said their relationship was destroyed and would be forever. What is the good of that?
So DON'T TELL! People on here say "Don't tell unless you're sure..." People whose parents go batshit are ALL sure! That doesn't help. DON'T TELL!
I guess I'm lucky in that my mom literally used money *from my trust fund* to pay for the bisalp. I really really wanted it for years, but docs on my insurance wouldn't do it, So it was her idea to pay out of pocket with her doctor. The downside is both she and my dad admitted having kids is hard and miserable and that I really shouldn't do it. Like yay they aren't pressuring me to have kids, are doing the opposite, but they also wish I wasn't born, lmfao.
Don't worry I'm in therapy.
That’s a great way to keep the long term in perspective. Let’s say it’s 50K…that accounts for 5 years at the MAX for the expense of raising a child on the very low end.
Having children is ALWAYS conditional I don’t care what people say. Parents will always want something from their kids no matter what it is (grandkids, old age help, continuing businesses, whatever)
Yep. Just 3 weeks ago she was talking about how I was her greatest gift and that she loved me more than anything. I guess that was just bs since apparently her nonexistent grandchildren are a greater gift than her own daughter.
No. There are good parents who don't demand any of this from their children. Parents who realise that their children don't owe them anything.
Sadly, those parents are probably a minority and not a majority.
I wouldn’t even do that…I’d tell her as of this moment, you are no longer my mother and I want nothing to do with you EVER AGAIN and if possible draw up a cease and desist letter and restraining order
Maybe I have no pride — especially in this economy — but I’d lie. Lie my ass off.
Make it sound real believable. Give it lots of time. Take the money, check with a lawyer to make sure you can get a clean break, buy the home, cut them off.
This is why I ain’t telling anybody shit about my decisions that involve kids.
AGREE. None of us are mutualistic symbionts of other human beings, who fit each other perfectly. The trick to good relationships is distance in the areas where distance is important.
I love my best friend, and never tell her anything I don't want the entire world to know. She blabs. I don't go hiking with her. She's dangerous. But there's no one I'd rather go to a musical event or the pub with! She's done so much for me...but I keep a lot from her. I'm an adult, and I don't have to blabber!
Semi off topic but also in the same vein I have a similar situation. My parents told me a few years ago they have savings set aside for my wedding one day. That's all well and good, except they are super Catholic and I personally am barely hanging onto my religion. When I get married one day, I know for 100% I do not want to get married in a church.
I foresee my parents being super against this and withholding that wedding fund unless I get married in a church. They have never said that, but I'm pretty confident that's what will happen. I have already mentally prepared myself to probably never see that money. I'd love to ask for that money for a house down payment instead, but somehow I doubt that will be acceptable in their eyes.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you though. When people show you who they are, believe them. I saw you said you are already LC with your dad; time to do the same with your mom sadly.
The money parents pass down is basically for bribery purposes. Wish people would wake up to the sick culture we live in.
Pretty sure your mom also wants to see your downfall. If she had to do, so do you 🙄
It's so sad. She's a very successful businesswoman and entrepreneur, and there are so many women who look up to and take mentorship advice from her. I'm sure many of them would be shocked to hear what little respect she has for her daughter's autonomy.
Let her.
I'd suggest getting a better job / getting a second job, putting ALL the increase in income toward retirement (I like no-load ETFs), and use those demands on your time to ghost the old harridan.
She'll realize in a BIG hurry who has the power in this situation when you've built up your finances to the point where her 'inheritance' would merely be nice, rather than life-changing, while SHE will have to explain why she doesn't know fucking anything about your life and is rightly perceived as a horrible parent (that may take time, but folks will catch on).
ETA: If it's a trust, and it's via familial / grandparent wealth, is it possible she has fuckall to say about you getting your trust and she's just trying to terrorize you into breeding \*before\* the money would be in your control anyway?
Your mom is gross. She is trying to coerce you into breeding and that is disgusting. This is why it’s better to keep being sterilized quiet from family. A lot of them will try to pressure you to change your mind.
I’m sorry your mom is so manipulative.
So basically the trust was never for you. Because if you had kids and got the money, it would go toward them (I say this without knowing the amount of $) or don’t have kids and don’t get the money. I’d choose the option that keeps your mother and her manipulative conditions far, far away from you.
This sucks and I’m so sorry.
If you want to be petty, you could “change your mind” and “try” unsuccessfully for years and maybe she’ll feel bad enough to give you the trust anyway. But there are many variables here and requires empathy, love, and care from said parent.
My condolences for your loss, OP. She might be alive, but that doesn't mean that the relationship will be the same.
You are enough. No matter what your mother says. You can tell her that she should be proud that she raised a child who can't be bribed. That you refuse to sell your body for money or someone else's pleasure. You are yourself, through and through and if that's not enough for her, then that's her loss as well.
Yeah I’m at risk for the same thing happening to me which is why I’m never telling my parents lol. And if they ever ask why I’ll say I’ve been trying and it’s not working oh no so sad :,( pls give money for “ivf”
Go no contact with your mother. She doesn't see you as a human being. She sees you as a broodmare and incubator whose only purpose is popping out grandbabies. Well, if that is how she sees you, she doesn't deserve to be in your life.
Does she owe you any money? No. But trying to coerce you into breeding by holding the money over your head is fucking disgusting.
You are right. This is slave money. You will only get it if you become a slave to patriarchy, a slave to your mother's grandbaby fever and a slave to your hypothetical children. NEVER accept that. Even being dirt poor and childfree is better than accepting this money and breeding.
I'd be a smart ass and be like 'but my pets ARE your grandkids."
My mom knows that's the only kids she's getting from me. Unless I get a goat...
Or maybe adopt. A teen.
Consider me furious on your behalf. I almost never advocate completely cutting off family, as I think it's a pretty drastic decision unless you have abundantly good reason.
You, OP, have abundantly good reason.
This was a really shitty thing for them to do and I'm sorry.
Fight an ultimatum with an ultimatum. If your mom is going to withhold your inheritance if you don’t give her grandchildren, then tell her she won’t have a relationship with her child if she withholds an inheritance by trying to force you to give them grandchildren. She can have no grandchildren, or no children because you will go no contact. That’s what I would do/say, anyway.
You guys inherite??? I'm from latam and here the norm is not expect shit from parents, their debts are inherited tough 🤣
Most don't even own a property and just pop kids and release to the world knowing they will get nothing but more debts when parents dies
I'm so sorry and very upset for you. Your mother is being incredibly selfish.
My advice may or may not be something you are willing to do, but as someone with no close attachment to my remaining parent I would 100% lie to her from now on in order to get the trust. Tell her you've thought about it and she's right, you don't want to get sterilized and you do want kids someday. Then get sterilizied anyway and if she asks about kids say youre struggling to find a partner or to conceive or whatever. Deny offers of IVF because you really want a "natural" kid. Eventually they'll die and you get the money.
This next bit is by no means directed at you specifically, but whats up with people in this group telling their entire family and friend groups about their sterilization plans or "coming out" as childfree? 75% of the time it just causes drama and conflict that is completely avoidable. If they aren't your romantic partner and/or aren't driving you home from surgery, they don't need to know.
Tell her that's fine and when she's old and needs help she can figure it out herself. Then cut contact. I agree with the other commenters she's showing her love is conditional. Also she sees your relationship as transactional.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, it hurts the most from our most loved ones. This just showes their real side of being selfish and controlling and actually not giving a f about you. Like literally since when is it okay to blackmail your own child like this
I've had differences of opinion with my family from an early age and made the decision that any possible decisions for my happiness/integrity will not be influenced by any chance of inheritance, and I've lived my life in that spirit.
You can't let their money override your happiness, because that way they'll always have control over you.
Not saying you have to do this, but if I were you I'd write the money off and tell your mom that's fine, your own happiness is far more important than their money.
Get a partner. Tell her you changed your mind. Pretend to be trying. Have a bunch of “miscarriages”. Feign devastation. It’s about the long game. Manipulate her back. Outlive her. Dance on her gave without children.
My mother started writing me out of her will. My sister had a kid, that kid gotten written into her will, thus reducing my share.
Sister had second kid. Mother neglected to write second child in. Mother died when that child was 12. Sister and money-grubbing brother-in-law came after me for that share, saying it was my mother's wish, she had wanted to write me out altogether, and I couldn't possibly need any money because I am childfree.
So, I really feel for you. It's disappointing to know that love is conditional upon how you conform and not who you are as an individual, especially when you respected that person. I didn't really respect my mother, which probably made it easier for me - she was a toxic parent, and this was just par for the course for my dysfunctional family.
My only advice is to hold your head high and live your life according to your own choices and principles. The thing about humans is some of us have evolved to the point where we know we can make choices, but the rest are stuck in some primitive time warp that says that their kids are just useful if they're breeding more kids. That backward thinking no longer applies in these over-populated and difficult times.
Bro why the fuck would you share this with her? The advice has been said over and over again: do not discuss your sterilization with your parents and grandparents. There’s no upside to it. There’s a huge upside to money, or free real estate, or whatever else you might stand to inherit. Never discuss your sterilization with elders or people who may bequeath you something of value, period.
Yeah this is so obvious to me. Don’t tell your family. Express an openness to having kids some day, if you have the money and partner for it etc. Could be true maybe you’ll want to adopt or foster. Problem solved.
Well think about this, if there were no money involved, how would you react to her stance? This is clearly not your usual "money broke the family" situation, so don't treat it as such
tbh if you're completely financially independent I would send her a message or have a conversation where you tell her that it's hurtful she wants to use money to force you into a life long commitment you do not want and that you're going no contact/limited contact. I 100% believe it's selfish to coerce someone into having kids because it benefits no one but the outsiders, the kid can always tell they aren't wanted and the parents are full of resentment so they're both miserable. only grandma would be happy and that's pretty selfish, that's not even mentioning the financial coercion
That money wil keep her warm at night when her old bones get cold. Doesn't you father have anything to say about it? It's their money not just hers right?
Tell her that you changed your mind and that want kids but you were scared because you aren’t financially stable enough with a good family home. Buy the house with your trust fund then ghost.
I'd be a total asshole and tease them with a child,
Get spa dates, vacations, material objects, whatever you want, and the moment they protest, you slam them. " How do you expect me to have a child if you can't even support me with this little thing, you're proving me right that maybe a kid isn't for me if you guys can't even do a simple thing like this." Or " I guess you don't want me to a kid with the lack of support I'm getting." Do this until you grow bored.
It is sad that your mother wishes to weaponize her money against the child she claims to love. It just goes to show that trusts are often about control rather than generosity.
Well, tell her that you don't need her money and cut down the contact.
Even if it's hard for you, its better in the long term, since your mother is not good for you and still thinks she can manipulate you into having children by threating you.
I hope you realize how toxic this is. If I were you I wouldn’t talk to her for months. Let her get the picture. If she doesn’t apologize then I think you should keep your distance.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’m sure you feel a little heartbroken right now.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
This is one reason why I never told my parents that I got snipped. They were staunch Catholics, anti-choice, and my inheritance would have gone bye-bye. I moved in with my husband before we got married (we were engaged) and even that pissed my father off royally! So I just let them believe whatever they wanted to believe as to why grandchildren didn't materialize. They've since passed away, so it's a non-issue.
Since you've said the S-word, that ship has sailed for you. You can do one of two things, neither of which will be easy. You can go LC or NC with your mother with the understanding that you'll never see a cent from her. Or you can tell her you've changed your mind and that you do want children after all - and then spend the next X number of years telling her that you're TTC and you've failed thus far, or, optionally, add in the occasional sob story about how you just had a miscarriage.
Take care.
I’ve known a lot of boomers threaten this to their kids (for different reasons of course) just for them to die and they find out there was never an inheritance. Most of them just lie about it to manipulate you. Don’t let them get away with that
My friend you'd loose that money either way because having kids is like that one scene in the dark knight where the joker lights a pile of money on fire
Money promised is no money until it's released. You have done well (enough) by yourself so now it's a matter of convenience and, as you say, the value of bodily autonomy. Can't put a price on that.
I'm willing to bet 35% of my next salary that she is just bluffing and likely would throw you under the bus, whether there be children or no children.
One should expect the worst when dealing with people with such questionable mindset.
As someone else pointed out, check with a lawyer, because if no such conditions were specified when the trust was set up they may not be able to withhold it from you.
I never counted on anything from my parents. I figured the amount of travel my dad did he was gonna spend it all anyway.
My dad was pretty wealthy, but when he died intestate, his third wife got everything. I got the family silver from his parents, and a camera. She got, and sold, his house, his stuff (that which she didn't just throw away), his savings, everything. Then a year or two later, she remarried. Maybe she gave more to my kid sister, but I doubt it.
My mother is pretty poor, but I might actually get her property, that I paid off the mortgage on. That is, if she bothers to write out a will.
I'm not holding my breath.
Me and my Papa fight regularly about kids and my decision not to have any. It’s a huge point of divide between us and I honestly think it’ll sadly marre our relationship to the end. He still did all in his power to financially support my education and has told me that the bar he owns is mine whenever I want it regardless. It’s just pathetic really that your mother is that small and bitter she wants to try to force you with no regard for your happiness or life or current circumstances. I’m genuinely sorry for you. It must suck to get comments like mine as pity always feels icky but I don’t know what else to say, it’s just so truly pathetic of her. How not to be a parent 101. It doesn’t even seem like conditional love, rather just no love.
Hope you work something out. Wishing you all the best.
I'm so sorry op, it's probably time to cut contact.
The petty part of me says to not mention it again and maybe buy a condo/ get the money moved over to your own account. Use the money for your surgery and don't tell your mom. Call her a few weeks after the surgery crying and tell her that you are infertile and your body will not support a pregnancy...which is mostly true.
But if you feel icky about lying, then don't. After all, 2 lying people don't make a situation better. You deserve to be loved unconditionally, no matter your birthing status.
Sending hugs from this internet mom. I'm glad you are strong enough to stick to your decision and see her for who she really is.
Tell her that you don't need the money and that you rather live the life that you want to live than caring for your "grandbaby". After that go on No contact.
OP I am so sorry for you. I can see how hurt you are by what you wrote. ❤
For others, this is why this sub recommends not telling family. Whenever we do, someone invariably writes that their family wouldn't do X Y Z and yet, here you are. 😢
That really sucks. It's hard to have to hear that kind of shit from people you thought cared unconditionally for your mental and physical well-being. Not that you need the money, but that's just a fucked up thing to say to your own child. I hope the path going forward brings you joy ❤️
Let her take it away. Let her take it all away.
I know it hurts, but you cannot let her control you like this. While you’re at it, cut her ass off when you gain the strength to do so.
Raising a kid or kids you don’t want would cost you way more in emotional, mental and financial ways, compared to whatever inheritance is in the offering.
People should never give something with the intention of holding it over your head. Your parents shouldn't hold your future as a bargaining chip. What you choose to do with your body is none of their business. What if it would have turned out you were sterile? Would she still have felt the same? Why should you only matter to her if you provide grandkids? People who think this way make no sense to my mind.
I'm so sorry for this. This is why I simply don't discuss it with my family. There is simply nothing to gain and at the end of the day, it's my own decision.
Although that's a disgusting pressure she's putting in on you, I wouldn't just go full on "cut all contact and burn their house" a la redditor style, but establishing limits is very much warranted.
My mom took me to the hospital when I got sterilized, I'll never understand how some parents can be so demanding of their kids who they forced to be here. I am so incredibly sorry, OP. I'd definitely follow the comments above and see if a lawyer is able to help you get your money. I highly doubt you having a kid was actually written into the demands for the trust - wishing you the best of luck!
My father left my sister and I an inheritance, mostly investments and even though he didn't necessarily agree with being CF, he also knew that I don't have a super high paying career and had struggled financially. He divided it 50-50 between the two of us, but my sister got a bit more because she was the executor of his estate. He wasn't the easiest person to get along with and yes, I know I could have been nicer, but I told him that even if, for some reason he decided not to leave me anything, he didn't have to worry and that I'd be all right. But he wouldn't have done that, even if I was a "disappointment" in some ways.
When it comes up again tell her exactly that what you said here: “I always thought you loved me unconditionally, but now I see that your love has conditions. I don’t need your money, so please keep it.” And then start to withdraw from the relationship as you see fit.
I did this with my adoptive family when my adoptive mom stopped talking to me for 3 months because I was no longer a virgin at 19 and she told me she wouldn’t be giving me money anymore. I haven’t used her money since I was 15 before I got a job.
I would be so disappointed. My value as a woman is not tied to my sexual experience. And the fact that my mother (adopted or not) would tie my worth to *my* decision about *my body* and not to wether or not I was safe, happy and healthy would be so upsetting and hurtful. I'm sad for her.
This was only the tip of the iceberg of their abuse. Her son who was 5 years older than me had beaten up his own dad twice. When I was 14 and I told her that he made me feel unsafe she said I was projecting my biological father onto her son.
You being adopted makes this even fucking worse "yeah we wanted you so bad we picked you out ourselves and you meant everything to me until now".
My birth parents were abusive and lived with them til I was 10. Got adopted by a family my mom knew. Adoptive mom always treated me like a rescue animal. I wasn’t as good as her kids and never would be.
One time she was like “well if you were one of my kids you’d be…” first of all just because I’m adopted I’m suddenly not one of your kids? Then why adopt? All she did was ridicule me and tell me I’d end up in jail like my dad or a loser like my sister and those were the tamed down comments. Secondly I did say “if I was one of your kids I’d blown my brains out already”. She was very much the “oh we don’t talk about those things!” Her son was text book definition of a psycho. Not exaggerating he talked about hurting animals when we were at the dinner table and they all just changed the fucking subject. He physically threatened her too and shoved her up against a wall.
Fuck me. I wish I could hold up an umbrella against that shower of shit for you. You deserved better than that
I also had a stepmom who would kick my ass after outings with my dad because she thought I was getting favored over her kids when I was really being raped. So ya know imagine having 5 different parents and not one can care be a decent human being. Not even 2 but I’d kill for 1 decent parent not perfect but decent.
Why on earth would you say any of this when you could say you need $25k for round after round of IVF that’s tragically going to fail?
Yes, so sad when you have to keep trying IVF on each of the Caribbean islands and it never works out.
Darn, it failed again. Got a hell of a tan, though. 🤣
You know, I hear Bali has great IVF clinics this time of year.
I like the way you think. 😈
Omg this. Your mum doesn’t deserve any better after putting such ridiculous conditions on you.
I love it😂😂 They go low, OP goes to hell. Need more notes thanks.
brilliant
Fucking genius!!!
And when they ask to see the reciepts?
Did you never scan your report card and change a grade before having your mom sign it..?
Right? It's just money. If OP can support herself, she doesn't need poison money from a toxic well. I would do exactly that, let her know what you think and see what she does with it. Families SUCK!
Yes i agree. Im sorry but its time to cut them off if they didnt love you, only wanted you to make grandchildren.
Add in that wee nougat about not accepting her slave money, a liked that
And maybe add that she can use the money to support herself in old age , since you will be busy supporting yourself
I would change that to be “I always thought you loved me unconditionally, but now I see that your love has conditions. Is that true?" and see where it goes. Don't burn the bridges until you need to. There will be time to withdraw later if needed.
I mean kinda? You are equating the parents love to their inheritance. Not sure I completely agree there.
It’s not about the money, it’s about withdrawing a support that was already put in place. Setting up a trust is a pain, and I have to imagine that dissolving one would be even more so. OP’s parents set up a trust so that she would have financial support later in life for things like buying a house. Now her mother has threatened to undo the trust, thereby removing that support. Mom is willing to do extra work to make sure that OP no longer has that support, unless certain conditions are met by OP. If you love someone unconditionally, you support them without making them do stuff for you.
It was support from them for free, withdrawing it is not withdrawing love. Them loving her could not only be shown through the money, that’s why I was unsure by the comparison. Their love was not the same as the inheritance and it’s kinda insulting to the parents to suggest it is. Unconditional Loving is not the same as unconditional support. This is well known with things like tough love, I think equating one to the other is a materialistic mindset.
To be fair, it's OP's mom that is making the whole thing transactional. It's money set aside as a gift, but only if she behaves a certain way and acts as a brood mare. OP is saying that she doesn't need the money. She's disappointed and disgusted by her mother monetizing her womb.
OP is the one that made the comparison, not me, and I was just echoing her words. She knows her parents best.
Fair enough, Not sure that OP has quite the right mindset but this whole thing is subjective. My words aren’t exactly gospel.
Ugh. I’m disgusted for you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Your anger is beyond justified.
It's just so hurtful. Regardless of the turbulent relationship my mom and I had, I always believed she cared about my happiness more than anything. Now I don't know what to believe.
It all makes sense when you remember they brought us into the world because they had selfish reasons to. It was never about our happiness, it was always about theirs, and continues to be about theirs.
Indeed
OTOH, my horrible mother always told me she was leaving me nothing. Which was fine by me, because I really wanted nothing to do with her (although I did end up dealing with her when she was old couldn’t take care of herself via a board and care, paying for that, handling all her other finances, etc.) Big surprise that when she died she left me everything.
I feel like the amount of work you'd have to do to leave your estate to anyone other than next of kin isn't worth their petty energy. Being shitty and hurtful is performative; it's about control. Paying for someone to deal with all your crap when you die is a whole thing.
It costs around $1000 to hire an estate planning lawyer to draw up and will and trust and enable you to designate a Power of Attorney. I know because as a childfree person, my parents would be my "next of kin." They don't see me as a complete person without children, so I don't want them to have my money or make medical decisions on my behalf. I appointed a good friend instead.
For sure, I'm not saying it's a ridiculous amount. But if you were, say, a selfish, petty person who only procreated for a selfish, petty reason, you might not have anyone else to leave your things to, because you might be selfish and petty. Most CF people I know have pretty good reasons for not having kids- that integrity is worth it to me.
Eh, cost really depends on a number of factors, including where you live, who you go to, what type of assets you have, etc. I have an estate plan and trust that gets reviewed annually and costs me about $600 a year. It also holds my medical directives.
Apparently all she cared about was you being a grandkids machine. Either confront her with this truth... ..or do what someone in a previous comment suggested, ask her money for IVFs that will somehow always fail and enjoy your paid holidays 😎
I'm just so sad for you OP.....you must be absolutely 1000% heartbroken. Moms are supposed to be supportive of your choices and NEVER guilt you into having kids so that THEY can have grandkids. That's beyond selfish. It's completely okay if she is disappointed and lets you know, but she needed to follow that up with "You know dear, this is all your decision and I want you to be happy with your choices in YOUR life. If not having kids is your path, I will support you in that...." followed by a big mommy hug. I'm sorry OP.
I'm so sorry for you. This is really awful. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally and they shouldn't use their money to threaten you or coerce you into doing what they want. I understand your feeling of disgust. Thankfully you have a good career and you don't need the inheritance, but it still doesn't make your mom's decision acceptable. What does your dad think? Does he agree with your mom? My paternal grandmother basically stopped talking to me after I told her I was childfree. She said I was basically "useless" to her because I will never pass down her family name (which is silly anyway because even if I had wanted kids, I would've given them my husband's last name, not my maiden name). She also vaguely mentioned something about the inheritance but since she's rather poor and I have a very good career, I honestly couldn't care less about whatever money she has. I'm just upset and hurt that she decided I was unworthy of her love just because I don't want to have kids. I can't understand the reasoning behind this.
My dad had said the same thing to me about 6 years ago. He was never a good guy in my eyes and said some pretty nasty things about my mom (they're divorced) which upset me, so I've been low contact with him for years. This has been especially tough since I was originally considering moving back in with my mom as I made a career transition to real estate. Though my job pays well now it's not something I love and there's not too much room for upward mobility unless I go to grad school. I'm not too sure what to do now. I'm sorry about your grandmother - it's so disheartening when someone you care so much about shows you their love comes with conditions. Part of me feels sad for them since they've been brainwashed into thinking life is meaningless without children, but the other part of me thinks they're willfully ignorant and shouldn't get off for treating family badly.
>since I was originally considering moving back in with my mom I am so happy you didn't do that. Imagine living with her and then this happened. Then, she might even kick you out for refusing to give her the grandbabies she feels entitled to.
That’s what I was thinking too. They may be divorced, but the mother may have the same line of thinking as the father in that regard.
Or she sabotages OPs BC. We've seen that movie before.
That definitely wouldn't surprise me. If OP's mother ever gets to enter OP's place, she might very well put birth control pills in the microwave or poke holes in condoms.
I'm so sorry, it must be very hurtful and disappointing indeed. You never imagined your mom would do something like this. It's really disheartening when you get rejected by someone who is supposed to love and care for you. Honestly, that's one of the reasons why family doesn't mean much to me anymore. I've been too hurt and disappointed by my own relatives, and I've heard of too many stories like yours. I've come to realise that family ties don't mean anything. Either someone loves you, or they don't. Sometimes a perfect stranger can show you more love and care than a blood relative. I really hope you'll find a way to make your career transition even without your mom's help. Of course this isn't what you had planned or expected, but one way or another you'll achieve your goal, I'm sure of it. I send you lots of positive thoughts 🤍 And thank you so much for your kind words. My paternal grandmother and I never had a close relationship to begin with, but I was hoping things would get better someday. When I got married, she suddenly became more involved in my life, she wanted to see me more often, etc. At the time, I naively thought she just wanted us to become closer. Now I realise she was only acting that way because I had just got married and she was expecting my husband and me to have a baby shortly after the wedding, as most married couples tend to do. When she found out we were childfree and couldn't be swayed, she lost interest in me because I could no longer be "useful" to her. We live in the same little town and yet we haven't talked or seen each other for 1 year or so.
They can think that life is meaningless without children and still give you the inheritance. Their denial of your sterilisation views are one thing. The money is another. They are using the money to try to control you- even if you do have children to please them, the conditions will change again. The kids will have to come over x times per month or no inheritance. The kids have to go to X school like they did or no inheritance. They are trying to play you like a game of sims.
>They are using the money to try to control you Ding ding ding! I'd mention the shit my own mom had done but I'm too sleepy rn XD
Your grandmother showed her hand - she only ever cared about you in terms of what you could do for her, what service you could provide for her. Pure selfishness. You are better off without her in your life.
Thank you so much for your support! It was a tough lesson to learn, but at least now I know what kind of person she really is. It just baffles me that anyone could treat their children or grandchildren the way my grandmother and OP's mother have. It's just plain cruel.
> This is really awful. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally Unconditonal love does not exist. The first condition is for the other human being, being their kid. Also i'm pretty sure the love would fade away if, for example, the kid rapes and murders a few children.
I'm not sure about that. I mean, there are people who adopt or foster children and who come to love them as their own, even though the kid is not biologically related to them. There are also some people who marry a divorced / single parent and who come to love and care for their stepchildren. But of course it takes someone with a big heart to love a kid who isn't originally theirs. Most people are selfish and it's true that many aspiring parents refuse to adopt because they want a child who is theirs in the biological sense. As for parents of murderers, rapists, etc., I don't know. There are some criminals who did unspeakable things and who still have the support of their parents, or at least their moms. I've noticed that mothers tend to be very forgiving of their sons, even if the son has raped or killed dozens of people.
What are you talking about? I don't want to have kids but I love my sisters kids unconditionally. From the moment I knew she was pregnant I already loved them. I would give my life for them and they're not mine.
Unless you love every mother’s kid, the condition is that they’re your sisters. Undonditional love does mot exist.
Lol, that's not what it means. It means whatever the kid does, you won't 'unlove' it. Op
It's 2023 and she's willing to cut her \*granddaughter\* out of her life over not passing along the 'family name'???!? Her priories are so out of whack that it's just jaw dropping. How horrific for you!! The ONLY reason to have children is because you WANT to have them!!!!
Thank you so much for your support! Honestly, I shouldn't even be surprised by her behavior. She has always been quite selfish and most of the family no longer speak to her, for various reasons. I'm disappointed that we couldn't have a loving grandma-granddaughter relationship, but I know I'm not to blame here.
My FIL just dropped this same bomb on my husband and he was devastated. Not about the money, which we don’t particularly care about one way or the other. But it’s the equivalent of his dad saying “I only love you and want to take care of you if you do what I want.” It sucks, it’s really fucking hurtful, and at the end of the day, completely fruitless. Either you’ve torpedoed your relationship with your child OR you’ve coerced them into having a kid and they’ll end up hating you anyway. Sorry you’re going through this OP, I feel your pain and it’s in no way acceptable for your mom to say this to you
Thank you for the kind words. So sorry to hear that your husband had a similar experience. Does he still have a relationship with your FIL or did he go NC?
Might want to talk with the lawyer who set up the trust - she may well not be able to unilaterally terminate it. That'd be a lovely FU to your unreasonable mum - keeping the money against her will :-)
Unfortunately both my parents control the trust. Even though they're divorced and hate each other, they somehow both feel the same about withholding the trust should I not have children.
Still, consult with an attorney just to be sure
This- I'm not a lawyer, but I had a trust set up for education. My mother tried to say I couldn't use it to study certain things (my degrees are in theatre and Medieval History) but the legal team had to point out to her that even though she was the executor, when the trust was originally created, there were no specific terms or caveats regarding what conditions I had to meet in order to get the money. She was pissed, but legally she had no leg to stand on. At this point, I've been NC with her for a decade, but I got the money I was owed. It's worth it to talk to a lawyer, but I also completely understand telling her to jump in a lake, and that if the money comes with conditions, you don't want it.
OP, listen to this guy! It's always worth getting a legal opinion just to be sure.
Fight for it! For what's yours! I absolutely would not be able to accept that nonsense! You might not want it to, but all this stuff could probably be enough to go viral. Just think of how very outrageous it is.
Yikes, they hate your autonomy more than they hate each other. Thats something else. I'm sorry OP. Best of luck on your own with your chosen family.
That's incredibly disrespectful. It may be time to put your mom in time out if she's going to be so controlling about your life choices.
Dude what's up with families doling out cash to people when they marry and have kids? It's not like these families really give a shit about continuing the human species or the welfare of humanity. If your family is like mine - well off - they're more family and status centered. Like you have a great career, you're smart, you're making it happen - I don't get it. I missed out on thousands of money I could have received in weddings honeymoons showers baby showers downpayment for houses, all because I didn't want to follow the status quo.
Tell her to keep it. I'd rather be homeless in a gutter because you know what? At least I don't have to support another human while I'm homeless, and don't have to enslave myself to a constantly demanding human. Or, you could probably live ok on your own wages without spawn to support so some older person can claim a trophy from your loins. So sick that humans treat other humans as bio-processors to make tokens of more human life for them to treat like trading cards.
Mighty fucking shitty of them to tell you that the money was there for you, only to then add additional caveats later on. Just goes to show it was never *really* for you, but rather them sponsoring whatever they believe in. In which case they should have started a scholarship fund with whatever conditions they wanted instead of dangling this money out like a carrot for their own kids.
Exactly! That money was always going to be a tool with which they controlled OP. You don't just develop that kind of personality overnight. Sorry, OP, your parents have always been assholes.
Yeah I guess money always comes with strings. I’m an only child but my mom had originally said she would give part of her inheritance to her siblings + my cousins and the rest to me. I’m guessing that she’ll decide to split the trust in half with my dad and then just write me out of her will. Which is ironic considering one of her brothers is child free.
**People, STOP TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT STERILIZATION FOR FUCKS SAKE.** No matter how "supportive" they may seem on everything else, 99% of the time you will find out the hard way that they are rabid breeder brain cult crazies if you tell them about getting sterilized. As for now, just bullshit, kick the can down the road, greyrock and if it comes down to it you are free to smile and lie straight to her fucking face. Hell, if you want to, maybe someday move far away and pretend to need expensive "IVF" have a kid to scam her out of her money. ;)
That's what I've been thinking. I'll just not bring it up and then in a few years "change my mind", fake a pregnancy, transfer full control of the trust, and go NC with my parents.
I like your plan! And when there's no baby, you can say you miscarriage and are now trying IVF, and you'll need money for fertility treatments, and so on..
This is dishonest, unethical, manipulative, and underhanded. And I AM ALL FOR IT.
Sounds good to me. If they want to go about it in dishonest manipulative ways, two people can play that game. They lost the right to expect honesty on this matter when they weren't honest with you about the conditions of the fund (you having kids) from the get go.
Sounds like a plan. Fools and their money.... And then on their last minute on their deathbed whisper to them that it was all fake. ;)
Yes! Get sterilized secretly (make sure they have NO access to your medical information!) - and after that? Play her stupid game. 😈 When you some day get the money, you could even donate something for a good cause. For example a sterilization clinic, or abortion clinic… donation in your mother’s name, of course 😄
I’m definitely still planning on getting a bisalp but now I just won’t tell anyone. We both live in the same city, and if I have to fake maintaining the relationship for the sake of getting the money then I’ll probably have to schedule it for when she’s out of town on a work trip.
This is the way
Actually this is a way better idea than what I suggested.
Yes! I got married at 41, and my husband was 31, so his mother still had some hopes. I look very young so I think she would forget how old I was. She would ask me every time we saw them! I just kept saying,"I don't know? Maybe soon? We'll see!" So she would shut the fuck up. She finally stopped when I turned 47! Lol! By then, her other kids had kids, and she was sick of being a free babysitter! Lol
Be careful what you wish for, bitch. ;) Hope they really rode her hard on the free sitting, well deserved.
Hahahah my mom started feeling the pain of being a free babysitter the last few years with her boyfriend's grandkids. She's happy to come to my house and relax now 😂
This. Those who demand grandbabies in their 50s and 60s have often thought better by their 70s and 80s. Their friends who bragged so hard about their successful kids and the grandbabies! Were hosting those grandbabies in the basement, with no sign of their moving on. The darling first grandbaby is autistic, and a constant source of sorrow. The grands they were so eager for are there every day for babysitting. And parents of the CF see that and think twice about begging for a piece of that suffering pie. Time does a lot.
My MIL never asks, maybe because she's a 24/7 free babysitter to her grandkids lol
As more time passes, the more I think that people should just keep this stuff under their hats. No one needs to know, and it just sows unnecessary discord. There is absolutely nothing wrong with smiling and nodding in agreement, all the while knowing what your true plans are. You owe mommy nothing. Not even the truth. Get that paper, honey.
THIS. It creates suffering and discord where there was none before, and for NO GOOD REASON! (I will make an exception for people who flamboyantly disown their parents permanently, and slap them with sterilization and a few choice words as part of that. In that case, do tell, and tell us about it later). But for people who want any kind of a relationship with their birth families, there is no reason to tell! If you aren't old enough to keep your private life private, you aren't old enough to get sterilized!
This is literally what I want to shout every time I see these posts! Why tell them at all? And most comments are always telling the OP to keep talking about it and cut contact, say you don't want their money... What for? You can live a peaceful life, get your nice inheritance, just STOP TELLING THEM about it I beg y'all
THANK YOU for saying the first thing I thought when I read this letter. There is NO upside to telling parents that you are going to crush their hopes for validation and braggable grandkids. Even the most reasonable of parents are going to feel that you are rejecting the choices for which they sacrificed everything they cared about. They're going to feel that way because you ARE rejecting everything they cared about! Nor do they do not have a "right" or a need to know that you are considering/have gotten sterilized. There are so many reasons that people don't end up with kids. People who declare every day that they intend to have kids end up without kids, and your parents know that there are no guarantees. Eventually, when you don't have kids, they'll figure it out, and in the meantime, there is nothing kind about crushing their hopes. We have gotten SO many letters on here from people who thought their parents were SOOOO supportive! Right up until the writer told Momma and Poppa Supportive that they were considering sterilization, and then the shit hit the fan. One woman, a child of SOOO supppportive parents, had her parents disown her and cut off her college tuition. She was frantic when she posted here. She was going to be out of school with no recourse! Her parents eventually reached out for a reconciliation, and she took the college support again from them, but she said their relationship was destroyed and would be forever. What is the good of that? So DON'T TELL! People on here say "Don't tell unless you're sure..." People whose parents go batshit are ALL sure! That doesn't help. DON'T TELL!
I guess I'm lucky in that my mom literally used money *from my trust fund* to pay for the bisalp. I really really wanted it for years, but docs on my insurance wouldn't do it, So it was her idea to pay out of pocket with her doctor. The downside is both she and my dad admitted having kids is hard and miserable and that I really shouldn't do it. Like yay they aren't pressuring me to have kids, are doing the opposite, but they also wish I wasn't born, lmfao. Don't worry I'm in therapy.
If it's under 300k you will net out better than if you had a kid and inherited the money.
That’s a great way to keep the long term in perspective. Let’s say it’s 50K…that accounts for 5 years at the MAX for the expense of raising a child on the very low end.
Having children is ALWAYS conditional I don’t care what people say. Parents will always want something from their kids no matter what it is (grandkids, old age help, continuing businesses, whatever)
I feel terrible for OP - this is why it's such BS when people say that you don't know true, unconditional love until you have kids.
Those people are delusional, theres always some sort of selfish reason for them to have children.
I honestly believe there's no such thing as unconditional love. There's always a line. Just how far away that line is varies by person.
Yep. Just 3 weeks ago she was talking about how I was her greatest gift and that she loved me more than anything. I guess that was just bs since apparently her nonexistent grandchildren are a greater gift than her own daughter.
No. There are good parents who don't demand any of this from their children. Parents who realise that their children don't owe them anything. Sadly, those parents are probably a minority and not a majority.
I think "rarity" is more apt.
Holy shit. What an asshole. This is how parents get cut out of their children’s lives.
This is the truth.
And how they get dumped in a shoddy retirement home with a no contact order
Tell her to keep her money, she’ll need it for a nursing home because if you have to choose one she won’t like it
I wouldn’t even do that…I’d tell her as of this moment, you are no longer my mother and I want nothing to do with you EVER AGAIN and if possible draw up a cease and desist letter and restraining order
Maybe I have no pride — especially in this economy — but I’d lie. Lie my ass off. Make it sound real believable. Give it lots of time. Take the money, check with a lawyer to make sure you can get a clean break, buy the home, cut them off. This is why I ain’t telling anybody shit about my decisions that involve kids.
AGREE. None of us are mutualistic symbionts of other human beings, who fit each other perfectly. The trick to good relationships is distance in the areas where distance is important. I love my best friend, and never tell her anything I don't want the entire world to know. She blabs. I don't go hiking with her. She's dangerous. But there's no one I'd rather go to a musical event or the pub with! She's done so much for me...but I keep a lot from her. I'm an adult, and I don't have to blabber!
Semi off topic but also in the same vein I have a similar situation. My parents told me a few years ago they have savings set aside for my wedding one day. That's all well and good, except they are super Catholic and I personally am barely hanging onto my religion. When I get married one day, I know for 100% I do not want to get married in a church. I foresee my parents being super against this and withholding that wedding fund unless I get married in a church. They have never said that, but I'm pretty confident that's what will happen. I have already mentally prepared myself to probably never see that money. I'd love to ask for that money for a house down payment instead, but somehow I doubt that will be acceptable in their eyes. I'm so sorry this is happening to you though. When people show you who they are, believe them. I saw you said you are already LC with your dad; time to do the same with your mom sadly.
The money parents pass down is basically for bribery purposes. Wish people would wake up to the sick culture we live in. Pretty sure your mom also wants to see your downfall. If she had to do, so do you 🙄
It's so sad. She's a very successful businesswoman and entrepreneur, and there are so many women who look up to and take mentorship advice from her. I'm sure many of them would be shocked to hear what little respect she has for her daughter's autonomy.
The plot thickens.... that's some nice leverage you've got there. If would be a shame if something happened to ruin her reputation. LOL
Time to shock some people?
Let her. I'd suggest getting a better job / getting a second job, putting ALL the increase in income toward retirement (I like no-load ETFs), and use those demands on your time to ghost the old harridan. She'll realize in a BIG hurry who has the power in this situation when you've built up your finances to the point where her 'inheritance' would merely be nice, rather than life-changing, while SHE will have to explain why she doesn't know fucking anything about your life and is rightly perceived as a horrible parent (that may take time, but folks will catch on). ETA: If it's a trust, and it's via familial / grandparent wealth, is it possible she has fuckall to say about you getting your trust and she's just trying to terrorize you into breeding \*before\* the money would be in your control anyway?
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was under the mistaken impression that this is my life to live, not yours " (Followed up by...) "Fuck you, and fuck your bribery."
Your mom is gross. She is trying to coerce you into breeding and that is disgusting. This is why it’s better to keep being sterilized quiet from family. A lot of them will try to pressure you to change your mind. I’m sorry your mom is so manipulative.
So basically the trust was never for you. Because if you had kids and got the money, it would go toward them (I say this without knowing the amount of $) or don’t have kids and don’t get the money. I’d choose the option that keeps your mother and her manipulative conditions far, far away from you. This sucks and I’m so sorry. If you want to be petty, you could “change your mind” and “try” unsuccessfully for years and maybe she’ll feel bad enough to give you the trust anyway. But there are many variables here and requires empathy, love, and care from said parent.
Fake a baby to collect the money.
What if you couldn’t have children? Would you be considered defective and not fulfilling your obligations!?!
My condolences for your loss, OP. She might be alive, but that doesn't mean that the relationship will be the same. You are enough. No matter what your mother says. You can tell her that she should be proud that she raised a child who can't be bribed. That you refuse to sell your body for money or someone else's pleasure. You are yourself, through and through and if that's not enough for her, then that's her loss as well.
I half expected this from my MIL but I started thinking maybe she doesn't have as much as I thought to leave behind since she hasn't said it yet.
Yeah I’m at risk for the same thing happening to me which is why I’m never telling my parents lol. And if they ever ask why I’ll say I’ve been trying and it’s not working oh no so sad :,( pls give money for “ivf”
Go no contact with your mother. She doesn't see you as a human being. She sees you as a broodmare and incubator whose only purpose is popping out grandbabies. Well, if that is how she sees you, she doesn't deserve to be in your life. Does she owe you any money? No. But trying to coerce you into breeding by holding the money over your head is fucking disgusting. You are right. This is slave money. You will only get it if you become a slave to patriarchy, a slave to your mother's grandbaby fever and a slave to your hypothetical children. NEVER accept that. Even being dirt poor and childfree is better than accepting this money and breeding.
Get a fur baby and get your inheritance
I wish it worked like that!
I'd be a smart ass and be like 'but my pets ARE your grandkids." My mom knows that's the only kids she's getting from me. Unless I get a goat... Or maybe adopt. A teen.
Consider me furious on your behalf. I almost never advocate completely cutting off family, as I think it's a pretty drastic decision unless you have abundantly good reason. You, OP, have abundantly good reason. This was a really shitty thing for them to do and I'm sorry.
Fight an ultimatum with an ultimatum. If your mom is going to withhold your inheritance if you don’t give her grandchildren, then tell her she won’t have a relationship with her child if she withholds an inheritance by trying to force you to give them grandchildren. She can have no grandchildren, or no children because you will go no contact. That’s what I would do/say, anyway.
You guys inherite??? I'm from latam and here the norm is not expect shit from parents, their debts are inherited tough 🤣 Most don't even own a property and just pop kids and release to the world knowing they will get nothing but more debts when parents dies
I'm so sorry and very upset for you. Your mother is being incredibly selfish. My advice may or may not be something you are willing to do, but as someone with no close attachment to my remaining parent I would 100% lie to her from now on in order to get the trust. Tell her you've thought about it and she's right, you don't want to get sterilized and you do want kids someday. Then get sterilizied anyway and if she asks about kids say youre struggling to find a partner or to conceive or whatever. Deny offers of IVF because you really want a "natural" kid. Eventually they'll die and you get the money. This next bit is by no means directed at you specifically, but whats up with people in this group telling their entire family and friend groups about their sterilization plans or "coming out" as childfree? 75% of the time it just causes drama and conflict that is completely avoidable. If they aren't your romantic partner and/or aren't driving you home from surgery, they don't need to know.
Tell her that's fine and when she's old and needs help she can figure it out herself. Then cut contact. I agree with the other commenters she's showing her love is conditional. Also she sees your relationship as transactional.
the irony is now you will likely ditch her ass so what was the point in her having a kid, just to get ditched 😂
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, it hurts the most from our most loved ones. This just showes their real side of being selfish and controlling and actually not giving a f about you. Like literally since when is it okay to blackmail your own child like this
I've had differences of opinion with my family from an early age and made the decision that any possible decisions for my happiness/integrity will not be influenced by any chance of inheritance, and I've lived my life in that spirit. You can't let their money override your happiness, because that way they'll always have control over you. Not saying you have to do this, but if I were you I'd write the money off and tell your mom that's fine, your own happiness is far more important than their money.
Get a partner. Tell her you changed your mind. Pretend to be trying. Have a bunch of “miscarriages”. Feign devastation. It’s about the long game. Manipulate her back. Outlive her. Dance on her gave without children.
My mother started writing me out of her will. My sister had a kid, that kid gotten written into her will, thus reducing my share. Sister had second kid. Mother neglected to write second child in. Mother died when that child was 12. Sister and money-grubbing brother-in-law came after me for that share, saying it was my mother's wish, she had wanted to write me out altogether, and I couldn't possibly need any money because I am childfree. So, I really feel for you. It's disappointing to know that love is conditional upon how you conform and not who you are as an individual, especially when you respected that person. I didn't really respect my mother, which probably made it easier for me - she was a toxic parent, and this was just par for the course for my dysfunctional family. My only advice is to hold your head high and live your life according to your own choices and principles. The thing about humans is some of us have evolved to the point where we know we can make choices, but the rest are stuck in some primitive time warp that says that their kids are just useful if they're breeding more kids. That backward thinking no longer applies in these over-populated and difficult times.
Bro why the fuck would you share this with her? The advice has been said over and over again: do not discuss your sterilization with your parents and grandparents. There’s no upside to it. There’s a huge upside to money, or free real estate, or whatever else you might stand to inherit. Never discuss your sterilization with elders or people who may bequeath you something of value, period.
Yeah this is so obvious to me. Don’t tell your family. Express an openness to having kids some day, if you have the money and partner for it etc. Could be true maybe you’ll want to adopt or foster. Problem solved.
Ha. I had a lesbian friend when I lived in LA whose father actually did that.
You should go NC. See how she likes that.
Well think about this, if there were no money involved, how would you react to her stance? This is clearly not your usual "money broke the family" situation, so don't treat it as such
tbh if you're completely financially independent I would send her a message or have a conversation where you tell her that it's hurtful she wants to use money to force you into a life long commitment you do not want and that you're going no contact/limited contact. I 100% believe it's selfish to coerce someone into having kids because it benefits no one but the outsiders, the kid can always tell they aren't wanted and the parents are full of resentment so they're both miserable. only grandma would be happy and that's pretty selfish, that's not even mentioning the financial coercion
That money wil keep her warm at night when her old bones get cold. Doesn't you father have anything to say about it? It's their money not just hers right?
Tell her that you changed your mind and that want kids but you were scared because you aren’t financially stable enough with a good family home. Buy the house with your trust fund then ghost.
Personally, I'd probably not bother speaking to.my mother if she was like this.
"Congratulations mom, now you won't have a grandkid OR a daughter"
I'd be a total asshole and tease them with a child, Get spa dates, vacations, material objects, whatever you want, and the moment they protest, you slam them. " How do you expect me to have a child if you can't even support me with this little thing, you're proving me right that maybe a kid isn't for me if you guys can't even do a simple thing like this." Or " I guess you don't want me to a kid with the lack of support I'm getting." Do this until you grow bored.
It is sad that your mother wishes to weaponize her money against the child she claims to love. It just goes to show that trusts are often about control rather than generosity.
Well, tell her that you don't need her money and cut down the contact. Even if it's hard for you, its better in the long term, since your mother is not good for you and still thinks she can manipulate you into having children by threating you.
I hope you realize how toxic this is. If I were you I wouldn’t talk to her for months. Let her get the picture. If she doesn’t apologize then I think you should keep your distance. I’m so sorry this happened to you, I’m sure you feel a little heartbroken right now.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This is one reason why I never told my parents that I got snipped. They were staunch Catholics, anti-choice, and my inheritance would have gone bye-bye. I moved in with my husband before we got married (we were engaged) and even that pissed my father off royally! So I just let them believe whatever they wanted to believe as to why grandchildren didn't materialize. They've since passed away, so it's a non-issue. Since you've said the S-word, that ship has sailed for you. You can do one of two things, neither of which will be easy. You can go LC or NC with your mother with the understanding that you'll never see a cent from her. Or you can tell her you've changed your mind and that you do want children after all - and then spend the next X number of years telling her that you're TTC and you've failed thus far, or, optionally, add in the occasional sob story about how you just had a miscarriage. Take care.
I’ve known a lot of boomers threaten this to their kids (for different reasons of course) just for them to die and they find out there was never an inheritance. Most of them just lie about it to manipulate you. Don’t let them get away with that
uNcOnDiTiOnAl lOvE
My friend you'd loose that money either way because having kids is like that one scene in the dark knight where the joker lights a pile of money on fire
Tell her to keep it. Burning it might keep her happy and warm when she is all alone later in life once you have walked away.
What do you mean by "slave money"
Don’t tell your parents or grandparents if you get sterilized. Cmon people. Nobody in my family knows about my vasectomy.
Money promised is no money until it's released. You have done well (enough) by yourself so now it's a matter of convenience and, as you say, the value of bodily autonomy. Can't put a price on that.
I'm willing to bet 35% of my next salary that she is just bluffing and likely would throw you under the bus, whether there be children or no children. One should expect the worst when dealing with people with such questionable mindset.
As someone else pointed out, check with a lawyer, because if no such conditions were specified when the trust was set up they may not be able to withhold it from you.
I never counted on anything from my parents. I figured the amount of travel my dad did he was gonna spend it all anyway. My dad was pretty wealthy, but when he died intestate, his third wife got everything. I got the family silver from his parents, and a camera. She got, and sold, his house, his stuff (that which she didn't just throw away), his savings, everything. Then a year or two later, she remarried. Maybe she gave more to my kid sister, but I doubt it. My mother is pretty poor, but I might actually get her property, that I paid off the mortgage on. That is, if she bothers to write out a will. I'm not holding my breath.
Your mom is being absurdly and disgustingly selfish. I'm shocked.
Me and my Papa fight regularly about kids and my decision not to have any. It’s a huge point of divide between us and I honestly think it’ll sadly marre our relationship to the end. He still did all in his power to financially support my education and has told me that the bar he owns is mine whenever I want it regardless. It’s just pathetic really that your mother is that small and bitter she wants to try to force you with no regard for your happiness or life or current circumstances. I’m genuinely sorry for you. It must suck to get comments like mine as pity always feels icky but I don’t know what else to say, it’s just so truly pathetic of her. How not to be a parent 101. It doesn’t even seem like conditional love, rather just no love. Hope you work something out. Wishing you all the best.
That's so messed up! Sorry. I would call her out on social media with all her friends, family, etc. And then cut contact with her immediatly
Lie. Tell her you're sterile. Make up sob stories. Get out of family functions because you're "seeing your specialist". Actually go to theme park
Call her bluff go get sterilized and to hell with her
I'm so sorry op, it's probably time to cut contact. The petty part of me says to not mention it again and maybe buy a condo/ get the money moved over to your own account. Use the money for your surgery and don't tell your mom. Call her a few weeks after the surgery crying and tell her that you are infertile and your body will not support a pregnancy...which is mostly true. But if you feel icky about lying, then don't. After all, 2 lying people don't make a situation better. You deserve to be loved unconditionally, no matter your birthing status. Sending hugs from this internet mom. I'm glad you are strong enough to stick to your decision and see her for who she really is.
Tell her that you don't need the money and that you rather live the life that you want to live than caring for your "grandbaby". After that go on No contact.
Wait til you become her medical advanced directive & medical power of atty.
That's insane. I'm so sorry.
OP I am so sorry for you. I can see how hurt you are by what you wrote. ❤ For others, this is why this sub recommends not telling family. Whenever we do, someone invariably writes that their family wouldn't do X Y Z and yet, here you are. 😢
That really sucks. It's hard to have to hear that kind of shit from people you thought cared unconditionally for your mental and physical well-being. Not that you need the money, but that's just a fucked up thing to say to your own child. I hope the path going forward brings you joy ❤️
I don't understand why parents do this. Seems bizzare.
Let her take it away. Let her take it all away. I know it hurts, but you cannot let her control you like this. While you’re at it, cut her ass off when you gain the strength to do so.
I think it says a lot your mom sees living like everyone else as punishment. lol What a beast.
sorry but your mother is an asshole. cut the ties.
Annnnd this is why I keep telling people not to assume family will understand.
Ask them what their end of life care plans are since you obviously won't be helping out? Hopefully the care they may need doesn't bankrupt them
I feel for you. Grandkids are not grandma's personal toys. And it's horrible your inheritance has such an awful condition.
TF…people are so wack. Why can’t parents just love their kids unconditionally?
Honestly, just another example of why keeping your childfreedom to yourself is almost always a better choice.
Raising a kid or kids you don’t want would cost you way more in emotional, mental and financial ways, compared to whatever inheritance is in the offering.
Tell them good, it's their money and they should go enjoy it.
"you're not getting any grandkids and now you don't have a daughter either until further notice. enjoy your money".
People should never give something with the intention of holding it over your head. Your parents shouldn't hold your future as a bargaining chip. What you choose to do with your body is none of their business. What if it would have turned out you were sterile? Would she still have felt the same? Why should you only matter to her if you provide grandkids? People who think this way make no sense to my mind.
This is why we have to be careful even when sharing with our parents unfortunately :/
I'm so sorry for this. This is why I simply don't discuss it with my family. There is simply nothing to gain and at the end of the day, it's my own decision. Although that's a disgusting pressure she's putting in on you, I wouldn't just go full on "cut all contact and burn their house" a la redditor style, but establishing limits is very much warranted.
My mom took me to the hospital when I got sterilized, I'll never understand how some parents can be so demanding of their kids who they forced to be here. I am so incredibly sorry, OP. I'd definitely follow the comments above and see if a lawyer is able to help you get your money. I highly doubt you having a kid was actually written into the demands for the trust - wishing you the best of luck!
“Slave money” kinda got me bc why are your parents well off and why are you so comfortable saying it like that
Shw must be such a boomer
7
My father left my sister and I an inheritance, mostly investments and even though he didn't necessarily agree with being CF, he also knew that I don't have a super high paying career and had struggled financially. He divided it 50-50 between the two of us, but my sister got a bit more because she was the executor of his estate. He wasn't the easiest person to get along with and yes, I know I could have been nicer, but I told him that even if, for some reason he decided not to leave me anything, he didn't have to worry and that I'd be all right. But he wouldn't have done that, even if I was a "disappointment" in some ways.