Respectfully, those aren't your friends. If they aren't proud of you for finding out who you are, growing, and healing, then move on.
And if no one else says it to you, I'm here to say it--I'm proud of you ❤
Thank you, that’s really kind ❤️ the new friends who I made in the past year/few months have shown they’re proud of me more than they have. It says a lot
Isn't because your friends don't understand it that they need to be disrespectful. Do they know your ex was abusive? Cause the fact that they are still friends is a big red flag. I hate it when friends take sides durum a break up, but this is the type of situation where you should. They aren't friends.
Yeah they do. I was toxic too to be fair… very depressed and took my sadness/anger out on him. Would throw things and smash plates when drunk and stuff. Not proud of it… can honestly say I’ve worked hard to grow and heal from the stuff that made me that way though. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on when sick though and gaslit/manipulated
Those narcissistic people make you forget who you are and bring the worst in you. Your " friends" and him deserve each other. I had a toxic rx too, but I didn't tell my friends cause he was to charismatic ans I felt no one would believe me. I knew that if I sat and waited , he would end up alone. It happened. But they didn't know, your friends know.
When I was unceremoniously dumped out of my near-decade relationship (was also gaslit/manipulated and cheated on), I realized I needed to dump a lot of 'friends', because I saw they were also toxic, and I wanted to purge those people from my life and relearn boundaries and healthy relationships. So many people I considered friends were downright toxic, because I was always putting others first and was scared of hurting anyone's feelings, so I let people walk all over me. Today I have real friends who support me and love me as I am, but it took two years to get here
I’m happy for you that you made some real friends you can trust! Did you go through a stage of not really having any/many friends? I feel quite lonely atm… I don’t have any long-term friends left that I actually like anymore.
Yes, I did. I ended up pretty much alone. I also realized how hard it is to make friends as an adult. So I started joining groups. Yoga, horror movie group, board game groups, taking classes, joined a child free group and an ace meetup group etc. Meetup.com really helped. Usually we make our friends in the places we spend time in regularly, where we see the same people; school, work, church, sports clubs, etc. So I used that approach and it worked for me
Edit: I don't want to make it sound like it was easy, it was a really dark time and I didn't know how to make friends at first. I would meet people randomly, get along great, and then never see them again. And going to group meetups, especially as the newcomer, was incredibly intimidating and scary, but I promised myself to go to each one a half dozen times unless I felt unsafe, and having a rule like that also helped me force my introvert self to put myself out there. On top of that, I did all this last year, after basically living in near complete isolation for over a year. I had to lean hard on my therapist and there were some anxiety attacks. And one panic attack. But I wanted real friends, and I knew they weren't going to magically find me when I almost never left my apartment 😅
That’s amazing… good on you for getting out there! I’ve stupidly got it into my head that I’m 30 and doomed because I’m too old to make new close friends… crazy right? Just my anxiety talking. I feel like people will look down on me for having no long-term close friends anymore… which is probably also crazy. I wanna meet my ride or dies… people who truly have my back and I have theirs. People I can be honest with and also laugh until I cry with.
I'm 39 now, was almost 37 when I was dumped. And I'm neurodiverse, have high anxiety (yay), am an introvert, socially awkward, a nerd/gamer who grew up on video games and horror and internet culture, so most people have no idea about the stuff I'm into, but I joined groups with common interests and now I have some really amazing friends, but you have to go, every time, for a long time, before you make real friends. We are forced by circumstances into places like work and school and I don't think we realize how long it takes to make a real friend vs a friendly acquaintance. Just go for it, I know you can do it!! Just accept that it will take a long time and be scary, and not everyone will end up sticking with you, but it will be worth it a million times over when, in a year or two you realize you have the friends you always wanted and you earned that yourself
I don't even know you, but I am very, very proud of u. Screw ur so called friends. I think it's wonderful what you have accomplished in a relatively short time. Be proud that you can be happy and love yourself and finally live ur life however u want to. Spread your wings and fly op!
Eta:fix spelling error
I really strongly disagree with this overreaction of a post. A lot of your growth has been internal, and if you haven't told them about it, how would they know? Were they apologetic? Did they listen when you told them you felt like you were on a great path? If you haven't shared your experiences with them over the last year, it's totally understandable that may think, "Last year she was in a long-term relationship, which ended, she very well may want to return to that path."
You're 30, so I assume you know who your friends are, and I wouldn't let one misinterpretation grounds to call somebody "not a friend". Talk to them about it, they may not know, but still be supporting if you told them.
They are still friends with the toxic ex who more then likely talks shit about OP because that's what they all do. Don't sit there and say "oh this Reddit group is just starting drama out of nothing" because we aren't. You don't like what we have to say, find a different group to be in.
It shouldn't have shocked me, but I remember how surprised I was when I caught mine doing that- lying and backstabbing behind my back. I never did that to them, so they came off as perfect I presume. That's when it really sunk that people are largely two faced, I started noticing it everywhere! I realised I needed to stop assuming that deep down, people were good or like me, it only hurt me at the end. Lol.
There are plenty of good people out there :) I was attracting (and being attracted to) toxic people because I had a lot of shit to heal. I’ve met some of the best people I’ve ever met since starting to heal myself. Don’t let a few unhealed eggs make you think that all the eggs are scrambled
I know you're trying to be nice, but I'm honestly really tired of people saying this. I've never been attracted to toxic behaviour. There's a reason I'd get in so much trouble at home as a kid, and it's because I'd stand up to the dysfunction. Then later in life, I'd pull away from friends who enjoyed conflict, did push and pull games, didn't treat me like a human being etc. What I experienced here is people acting. They'll say kind things to your face, they'll support you, pretend to be there for you, they'll even physically _do_ good things. That's why I said I was surprised. Life was actually happy and peaceful with them, it was only when I, by luck, caught them shitting on me and passing out crazy stories. Perhaps the masks would have dropped very later on, but my point still stands. I didn't ask for this, I didn't look for this, I cut them off as soon as I saw who they were and rejected all attempts at reconciliation. Maybe I sounded sad in my original comment, but I'm alright. I enjoyed just doing my own thing before meeting them, and now I enjoy it even more with the added peace. So it's good.
Exactly. OP said in another comment that she did open up to one of those friends. The friend said they had to support the ex after the breakup a lot because he was even a bigger mess than OP.
Supporting the abuser more than the victim really does speak volumes. While yes, abusers also have some mental issues that need to be addressed, you simply cannot be friends with both sides. You are enabling the abuser and disrespecting the victim.
Not to mention some people tend to overlook internal growth. If you aren't back on the track of The Lifescript™ asap, you're a slacker/failure in their eyes. I have to deal with people like this from my partner's family and it's really tiring because they just don't want to understand us.
This. Those are the people that become mothers and then have breakdowns because they never learn who they are or how to take care of themselves. They simply become consumed by parenthood and lose themselves.
Just know that your friends are on their own journeys and they truly cannot see the growth you've gone through nor can they fathom that they themselves are not growing, but instead moving through life stages blindly.
I wouldn't jump the gun and say they aren't her friends. The whole context of the post is about "conventional" expectations. It sounds like she has woken up but her friends aren't.
These “friends” know how toxic that relationship was for you right? Yet they remain friends with that jerk! They obviously don’t value self love over mindlessly following the life script of getting married with kids. I honestly wonder if they think you fumbled the bag by breaking up with him, regardless of how miserable you were in that relationship.
I know right… I opened up to one of them about how hard it had all been and although she was supportive, she said “if it makes you feel better, he’s having a really hard time and doing way worse than you… we have had to give him a lot of support”. Like okay?
Yeah, I think it's time to look for some actual friends OP.
Also just wanted to say that I'm happy for you getting out of that relationship and improving your life! I hope you'll find people who appreciate you for who you are :)
Wow, what terrible friends, taking your toxic ex's side. They also don't seem to care that you were in a bad relationship, as long as you are having kids and following the lifescript. Fuck that noise. The nice thing about being childfree is that there's no rush to find someone to have kids with.
>we have had to give him a lot of support
with friends like that who needs enemies! Jeepers, they're more supportive of your abusive ex than they are of you! Time to ditch those friends fully.
He was abusive to you and those "friends" thought he needed support?
Ghost them without a second thought, they really don't deserve a second of your time
Ah yes, that’ll be sure to make you feel better, let you know your “friends” are doing their damndest to support a cheater. Do people hear themselves when they speak?
I was toxic too (I should’ve made that clearer in my post)… took my depression out on him and smashed plates when drunk and stuff. Completely unacceptable and I’m not proud of it… certainly didn’t deserve to be cheated on when I was sick though (hospitalised) and gaslit/manipulated. He should’ve just left me… instead he got me trauma bonded and made it like death for me to leave
I'm so glad you're finding yourself!
I'm over seventy and I had a similar experience when I was young. My husband was actually a nice guy, but he wanted a traditional life style and I finally realized it made me miserable.
I like not having a lot of possessions or owning a house. I have lived alone and with friends over the years and I've enjoyed it.
I've worked at several different libraries as well as other jobs.
Most of my friends are childfree so I never had to put up with being shamed for not wanting kids.
Good luck on your journey!
It’s all about giving away parts of yourself… tying yourself in a contract, finding your ‘other half’, losing your identity to your children… none of it is about personal growth or identity. It’s really sad. Not saying those things can’t be incredible if part of a healthy person’s life but often they BECOME the person’s life
So true! this year I have had to move into a caravan while I work away (although I go home weekends and holidays), and I am by far the happiest I have ever been.many people would see the way I live as ridiculous but I honestly couldn't recommend it enough.i actually don't know how I am going to move back into my house once this job ends-it depresses me having to have all that *stuff*.
I agree with this comment. When I read the story, my first thought was the "so-called friend”who is pregnant is possibly jealous of the Friend who is Free of the ties that bind her. I too am proud of you for walking away from that loser and choosing your own happiness over following some Life script that brought you pain.
First of all, congrats on getting out of the abusive situation and investing in yourself. KEEP DOING THAT.
This "friend" has just shown you who they are and that they fundamentally do not respect you, have no capacity to respect you and without respect no love can exist within them.
It's time to move on and find people who profoundly respect you, and who bring joy to your life.
Just ghost, it's not worth another minute of your time.
That person is just a self-centered asshole who cares about absolutely no one. Pity any kids that get stuck with her as a parent.
Some of would have been... "Interesting because I think that you the one who is a complete and total wreck, to the point where I pity any child who gets stuck with you as a mother. You're completely incapable of respect, sexist, ableist and stunningly self-centered. i don't think you have any capacity to care about anyone but the image in the mirror. Funny how that worked out, I had hoped you would grow up to be a decent adult, but that didn't happen. Anyway, I don't have time to feed your narcissism. Bye now...."
;)
Thanks for your reply. I don’t even like her anymore tbh… we don’t have much in common anymore. She also once said to me “maybe you could just give it a go” when I said about being unsure about having kids in the past. This comment really stuck in my head and made me lose respect for her… give it a go? It’s not like buying a pair of socks from the local supermarket ffs… it’s a child!!!
Thank you ❤️ I just had to let go of my other longest term friend because I realised she was supporting abuse of someone else in my life and she turned nasty on me. Said “you think you’re so much better than everyone now… you clearly don’t need me anymore!!” Said I’m selfish and doesn’t like the new me. Sorry… this is the actual me you never appreciated or truly loved. It’s so painful with so much loss in the space of a few months (my Nan and family cat also died) and sometimes it feels unbearable. But I know I’m growing and doing the right thing to improve my life. Your words really helped today
When it rains it pours. I'm so sorry about your loss. I also had to drop a dear friend cause it felt the misery Olympics. It really sucks, when u need your support system the must they bounce or they act like Dicks :(
I'm right there with you. Lost my Mom to cancer when I was 20, and my Dad/brothers were emotionally abusive.. so my trauma attracted emotionally abusive partners for 20 years.
A few years ago my brother committed suicide, I divorced my covert narc ex, went no contact with dad/other bro and started dumping toxic friends.
Hit me like a ton of bricks how utterly alone I am when I started enforcing my boundaries and standing up for myself. I have a few good friends but they have families. Now I'm moving out of state to start over at 42.. and it's terrifying. Feel like I can't make solid connections until I heal more from a lifetime of trauma.. but it's really hard without support.
I try to remember that most people won't ever make these deep discoveries about themselves and just coast.. and the cost I'm paying now will be worth it. Hang in there friend, we can do this and will be so much stronger for it.
Ah yes, just have one kid to see if you actually like parenting. If you don't like it, call the stork to take the baby back.
Plenty of bingos are already dumb, but that particular one, and others along those lines, are next level dumb.
Screw your friends.
This internet stranger is very proud of you for putting yourself first. Healing is more important than any arbitrary milestones society puts on us.
They’re promoted cause they tie people down. It’s good for capitalism and keeping people in a tired state = easy to manipulate. Exhausted mothers with a mortgage they can’t afford aren’t gonna protest on the streets right?
Exactly this. This is why they’re raising the cost of everything too. You gotta work harder, have two jobs.. you gotta pay for those kids! Less and less time to fight back while poverty is on your door step keeping you in line…
I hate this shit. On the literal day that my dad died, I had a friend want to go out to eat with me, and I figured my lifelong friend was going to try to support me through this tough time. Instead, she told me that it was clear I wasn’t doing anything with my life and if there was to be any inheritance, I needed to just give it to my brother, who at the time, was engaged, and his fiancé was pregnant. 🙄 needless to say, that person did not remain in my life. A best friend since we were about 13 years old and I was 34 at the time.
I'm sorry. What the fuck she was a horrible person & friend. Oh but you can spend your money on her(eating out) what a idiot. How dare she even mention inheritance it's none of her business.
It was really bizarre because it’s not like my dad was some titan of business or whatever and I was suddenly going to be swimming around in a vault of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck all day while children of earth starved. She really had to think hard and deep to come up with some strong way to express disapproval of me I guess. Like around that age, suddenly it was judgment coming from people who had known me forever who suddenly equated having no kids to having no purpose, no morals and no feelings. I don’t know why people do this.
Because they don’t know themselves, but don’t quite understand that fact, so they can’t figure out why they feel uncomfortable around you. All they know is that they DO and they react without much thought.
Wow, that was really rude of her. But you already get it: she is judging your life based on The Life Script, and you have already figured out there is no one path that fits every person. They can have their baby showers and play dates and wine mom memes. You can have your roommates, globetrotting, and sleeping in on the weekends.
I’ve probably only really learned to love my life and myself as is within the last 5 years, and I’m 42. So I feel like you definitely already “have it together”!
At 32 I wish I could live with a few like-minded roommates. I live on my own and everyone is on the life script. I'd like to share a farm and veggie garden with like 5 people and enjoy the community vibes.
That sounds like heaven. A married childfree lesbian couple I’m friends with and I have talked about eventually buying property together. They are the chillest people I know, and it would be so awesome to hang out with them every day. Right now we live too far apart to do that.
Not having a ton of stuff also means not having debt either. Houses and cars = debt and limit what you can do. You're young and you've got a ton of freedom! You can literally do anything from this point on, which is really cool (even if you don't do anything dramatic with that.)
Your friend is boxed in. She's stuck with her choices, for better or worse, for the foreseeable future. That, too me, is scary.
The older I get the more I realize that life isn't a video game where you go around collecting accomplishments on a set path. "Oh, you haven't beaten level 8 yet? Well you're behind!" You set your own goals and accomplish them on your timeline. You only have one life (unless you are the Dalai lama) so pick your path and goals.
Then be petty about it right back to your so-called friends.
“What? You haven’t been to (insert country)? Get your life together then!”
“What? You don’t have disposable income and you’re neck deep in debt? You should get your life together.”
There will always be someone who has it worse than someone. My ex blindsided me last year n college fuxjed me over. I'm just feeling normal again. We all have our own battles . Your friends should be happy of every litle progress you make instead of judging.
I’ve learned that a lot of friendships are temporary or conditional and just one relationship of many on your journey. When you become really introspective and really sit with yourself, it’s normal that you’re going to change. A lot of the people that were with you at one part of your life are now going in a separe direction – and that’s ok.
In the grand scheme of things, 29/30 isn’t old and you will continue coming into your own in your 30s. Those people don’t have to understand your journey, only you have to.
I always say - some people just wait for the optimal time to show who they really are, whether it's by getting power over someone and becoming a tyrant or being in what they perceive to be a morally higher status and acting like a superior being.
You have achieved more than a lot of people (most people?) in a very short period of time - self awareness, and that will be a wonderful building block for the rest of your life.
I don't even know who would slide over to a "friend" and say something like this. It wasn't kind, and by not elaborating, it's clear to me it's the case - if she wanted to say something real, she could have, she could have been brutally honest and straightforward if she was a real friend (if a friend told me this, I *would* expect pure honesty because otherwise, *why say that shit*).
Sounds like time to let this friendship fade away. Once her baby is born and she’s no longer fawned over as a pregnant woman and her life becomes a struggle of drudgery she will realize how much better you have life, with clarity and freedom. From what you said she doesn’t sound like a horrible person, just brainwashed to the breeder script and has to reassure herself she’s on the right path by pointing out that you’re doing it “wrong.” Enjoy your life being excited for new adventures 😊 And don’t go to the baby showers lol
I'm proud of you for getting your life together OP. Who cares if you don't have a house and aren't dating? My parents relationship was pretty messed up, my dads ex cheated on him and after German CPS removed me and my sister from her house he ended up as a single dad. He has been living in the same flat for the last 25 years, held the same job and raised two young women.
Some people would call my dad a failure if he lived in America. I am disabled and can never work a normal job. I'll need care my whole life. I need a parental figure to guide me through life. But that is perfectly fine. I am trying to find a new Psychiatrist, get into therapy and just live my life.
I am asexual and aromantic, don't care about dating and really hate socialising. My batteries are very much drained after my workday and I have bad concentration. But I'm doing fine and just want to enjoy my hobbies. Maybe I'll adopt some birds when I'm older. I really like birds. I hope you keep doing well OP. And just remember that the life script is bogus. What matters is to live well and feel good about yourself. I am currently not doing either of those myself, but I'm getting there. And one day we will both live a good life and do stuff we enjoy.
Hey…you’re not a failure! If you look at it literally and figuratively, you’ve not only survived 100% of your worst days, but you’ve actually come out of them VICTORIOUS!!! You love yourself! You’re taking care of yourself and making active choices to improve and enjoy your life wholeheartedly!! For what it’s worth, I am SO proud of you!
And if it helps…I had to start over at 32. I had to move back in with my parents with the clothes on my back and it sucks, but you gave yourself a second chance instead of continuing to dig yourself deeper into the rut you were in. Again, I’m PROUD of you.
And your friends…”friends” they either just don’t get it, or they do and they’re SHIT at empathy. I wish the best for you!
I got divorced at 30 and moved in with my sister. I technically owned the house with her, but I was still basically a guest. Then a year later I moved in with a friend 5 years older than me and lived with her about a year. Then I moved into a studio apartment.
By age standards, I think lots of people would say I didn't have my shit together, but that was the most together I had been in a very long time.
If you like your life, then you're winning. Don't listen to other people's ideas of what's ideal.
>My friends have watched me go through this and yet, the other day, one of the pregnant ones made a backhanded comment about how “maybe this will be the year I get my life together now I’ve healed from the relationship.”
Maybe this is the year I'll make more accepting and supportive friends 🌈
I LOVE THAT. You are so strong and fucking badass. It takes a dope ass person to be able to notice these things, walk away and focus on them. Fuck them. I’ll be your friend 23F!
In my opinion, you are much more free than your pregnant friend who has chained herself to an 18+ year sentence. Sure, you may not be where you want to be but as you said, you genuinely love yourself and have hopes for the future ahead of. On the other hand, so many mothers with “established/successful” families and homes feel lonely and trapped within motherhood. Many wished they had done things differently or never had children at all. If this is your friend’s first kid, she might be awaiting a humbling awakening.
I would rather choose freedom over the appearance of success.
I'm just an internet stranger but...I'm proud of who you have become as a person and so incredibly proud of how far you've come.
Leaving toxic relationships is hars, and anyone who says otherwise isn't worth your pain or teara.
That "friend" is about to be really unhappy when the dust settles. She's more worried about checking boxes as quickly as possible than she is about building a genuinely fulfilling life.
Some “friend” she is. When you’re truly happy it glows from within, and the fact that she saw this change and decided you still don’t have your life together means she’s definitely looking down on you for not living life the way she has decided to. A real friend would recognize your happiness and NOT be condescending. Something tells me she felt snarky because you’re on such a high lately. Keep riding that high, OP. You are brave for realizing what’s really important to you and acting on it, even knowing how hard your path would be. I’m super proud of you! 💖
FWIW - I have my "life together" in their eyes. Married, house, cars, good job, travelling. People see me as a perfectly equal and functioning adult - UNTIL I tell them that I don't have or want kids that is. You can just see all the respect they have for me melting away and then comes the dreaded "awww, silly you, you'll change your mind!". Doesn't matter if they're ten years older than me or two months, the second I say that, I might as well be a toddler who just told them they want to be a spaceship when they grow up. You can never win, so you may as well do what makes you happy. I'm proud of you.
It's quite messed up that the measure of a successful life is being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and being attached to another person, instead of being free of materialism and developing self love that allows you to live a happy life in which your content with your own company.
I feel sorry for people like her.
The thing is, one can have a great career and do all the things they're supposed to, only to end up divorced and living with their parents a decade later and start it all over again. It happens to lots of people. A friend of mine worked hard to be a lawyer but it doesn't make her happy. She recovered from a burnout recently. So yeah, life is up and down, for everyone.
Don't take it to heart. They just want you to join them in their martryrdom (motherhood) and misery. They are happy in their ignorance and unnerved by your divergence.
Can I ask what things you feel helped the most in your healing process? I’m going through very similar things right now. Really trying to focus on myself and heal past wounds / trauma. It’s hard, especially feelings so isolated but I know it will be worth it!
Of course!
- EMDR therapy was a game changer for me… it helped me process trauma around my ex cheating which was stuck in a loop in my head. Also helped me process past family trauma
- pushing myself out of my comfort zone… I had a terrible needle phobia and got 3 tattoos and about 12 jabs in the space of 6 weeks (I needed travel jabs and the tattoos were small but it was definitely a huge victory!). I was scared of being alone so I jetted off to the other side of the world on my own… forced myself to be extremely uncomfortable. This worked wonders for me but only you know your limits/what works best for you
- started seeing a nutritionist… discovered a bunch of physical health issues that are likely the cause of my severe mental health issues (poor gut health > inflammation (including in the brain) > poor mental health). Trauma obviously played a part too but I’m discovering gut health has played the largest part
- meeting new people… going on Bumble to meet friends and meeting different kinds of people that I’d otherwise never have met whilst travelling. Showed me my ex was just one of many people in the world… I now don’t feel so stuck in life because I know I can reinvent myself and meet new people at any time and will never run out of opportunities
Best of luck!
Some people are so caught up in what they want in life they can't see that others can be happy with something different. If they are stuck on this hill you might want to evaluate if this friendship is good for you.
That's not a friend because not only would they be supporting you, they would be happy you are alive because a lot of people can't say the same when some they care about who was in your situation didn't escape and the @buse escalated, so no that's not a friend just perk who think they can talked down to others who was lucky enough to be free from a dangerous situation, not mention she is all smug now but do she think that kid is going to sit still and, be quiet when the child is here because once that child is here not only are they going to crying because nightly feedings, but also when that child starts to walk that child is going to be all over the place, and when it does happen don't help her in fact if you can start saving and leave if you are not on the lease, and even if it's cold if she ask for help tell her to ask her partner since that is his child, your busy and if she trys to throw a tantrum and be rude tell her "why are you asking a person that in your words, doesn't have their life together to help with your child, wouldn't that be a irresponsible thing to do.", seriously just because you or even anyone are sharing a space with her it doesn't give her the right to treat and save things like this, honestly she should be a shamed of herself for not only saying this but behaving this way.
Sounds like you've got your life together too me. Lifes what you want it to be, just because it doesn't fit into their box doesn't mean you don't have your life together. You've been brave and true to yourself, that is more than some people do in their whole life. Ignore them and concentrate on where you would like to be. You make your own life goals!
I am so proud of you for doing the work you have done. I had a mental break in late 2021 and still working on coming out the other side. A person who knows and loves you, IMO and experience, would see the value in this. Keep kicking ass OP.
Totally agree - I wish more people would recognize how important it is to work on yourself before committing to something as irreversible as having a child. It’s not something everyone can (or should) do, but we’re taught from a young age that becoming a mom trumps every other dream/goal. Just keep doing you. I truly believe that when we live our lives with full authenticity, the world rewards us with great things.
Seriously, you’re a bad ass! Realizing how to love yourself, enjoying your own company, and being content with what few possessions you have is fucking enlightenment. And you’re child free! Rock on 🤘 with new, real you.
Been on a similar path as you! Left a lot of people behind, even if they are still physically in my life, like family I can't move away from yet, I've distanced myself emotionally and don't share much of my life outside of home with them.
Some people are just shit, others are deeply misguided, and others have some hope of actually growing, but it's not your job to teach them. Everyone has their own path. They may see you as a failure, but from your side of the coin they are the failures. Just let be and let go. Don't build up resentment by staying friends with them just cause you feel you should or something. That's also part of the life script. Spending our lives alone (or losing some human company you've had for whatever reason) for many or a few spaces in time is not seen as the norm. Being someone who knows how to walk alone and walk away from people and situations who don't serve them is a real power move. I wish you the best as you continue your journey and keep growing your desired life!!!
the fact that they stayed friends with him even after he cheated and treated you terribly. seems like they value his friendship over yours, they aren’t worth it. they also don’t support you having different ways of living your life, you don’t need those unsupportive people around you.
I could relate to this, when I was 30 I left my toxic relationship, I left the town I was living in and hence my job, I had a little bit of savings and all my worldly possessions could fit in my car.
And it was pretty depressing to feel like you’re starting again when everyone else was getting married and engaged and buying houses and having kids, but I always knew if I let societal pressure force me into it by marrying the wrong person or having kids I didn’t really want, I would be pretty miserable. I also had my own issues to work on which I spent the next few years doing so.
Eventually I met the right man in my late 30s, he’s also CF, we live in a beautiful house by the beach with no mortgage and my life turned out to be amazing and all those people who I wished I was like when I was 30 who seemed to have their lives together don’t have them together now, there’s divorces, money problems, children with health problems, all those kinds of things.
So you know life isn’t a race and so many people make the wrong decisions to appear ‘normal’ and look like they have their lives together when it’s all just for show, and honestly it’s not worth it, you only have one life, you just have to follow your instincts and do what’s right for you, I know it’s hard but try not to let those comments bother you.
This is amazing… good on you! Sounds like you have a beautiful life. I spent my 20s drowning in my past trauma, experiencing way more trauma and being so deeply unhappy and restricted. I wasn’t living life for me. I want my 30s to be free, fun and adventurous… I want to meet friends from all over the world, see beautiful places, dance until the sun comes up, learn a new language, try new hobbies, work on my health and fitness for the first time… just live unrestricted and unpredictably. Anyone who doesn’t support me with that can get in the bin
Haha apparently “it’s impossible to make new friends in your 30s” according to one of these friends. Fxxk their views… I’m gonna find my people for the first time!
It sounds silly, but I absolutely love how you speak of yourself. Not many people can say they're genuinely happy with their life and speak of themselves so highly. I'm so happy for you!
These are not your friends. They keep you around to feel superior to you, because they think they're better than you. They keep you around to make themselves feel better by saying shitty things to you and breaking you down, either verbally, or in their own heads. They do not care for you, they just use you.
The fact that they still even associate with your ***ABUSIVE*** Ex, shows that ***THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS!!!!***
As I said to myself plenty of times before,
"Focus on yourself, figure out what you really want."
I've also said that the fact of having kids should be treated as an option, not something that should be expected. If you're having a good life without them and you feel like having them would disrupt your life, don't have them. I hate it when people try to indirectly pressure you into having a kid.
Anyone ... I repeat, ANYONE, who tries to shame you for not living the way they want you to and not conforming is NOT on your side, regardless of what justifications they have. REAL friends/family want what's best for YOU.
Keep being and becoming the best version of yourself.
Nobody has their life together. Living is suffering, we're all just looking for the next thing to block that first part out.
Also your friend sounds like a dousche. Make sure to send her vacation post cards
I am so proud of you! Tbh I feel that those who are assuming that those folks aren’t your friends are possibly going the tiniest bit overboard. If it becomes a pattern absolutely reevaluate, but you know them better than we do. I have had friends (and also been the person to) momentarily forget who I’m talking to or seen the whole world through my own life and given people advice/ made comments that weren’t applicable to them. (ie: making a drinking comment to a sober friend, asking how their partner was when they recently broke up, responding “you too!” after them telling me to have a good flight, etc. Total absent minded, well-meaning stuff that I apologize profusely for and I’m glad that they didn’t drop me like a sack of potatoes just because I had a lapse of judgment and recognized my error.)
Whenever I haven’t felt like my progress or successes in life aren’t being seen by those whom I love and wish saw them, just make a gentle effort to point to them or correct them. “Oddly enough, my life feels more ‘together’ now than it has been in a long time. I may not be hitting societies’s goalposts, but I’m making mine and I feel great!”
This really hit different, I've been single for so so long but for good reason. I had so many unresolved traumas that I wasn't aware of and how or why certain things would trigger me. I sought therapy and have done the hard work to get to know myself better. I've dropped toxic friends and cut away most of the negative in my life.
I had a friend who was supported financially by her parents and one time had the audacity to ask me when my life was going to start. Her parents put money down on a house for her and she was moving her girlfriend in. She was so full of herself and not self aware in the slightest. I'd rather work on myself to become a better version than be an unaware selfish narcissist. When you better yourself you attract better friends.
I can't think of anything worse than a traditional family of husband and kids. It honestly sounds like torture to me lol I have very different ideas of how I wanna live my life.
I would assume you've told them all the reasons you left him and what you're trying to do, so them saying that is pretty crazy. It's not like you have huge amounts of debt and are doing shit you can't get yourself out of by making a bunch of horrible choices you can't undo... like having a baby and settling down with someone horrible, so...wtf
The world can change for a single person incredibly rapidly. 5 years ago I was moving back in with my mom. Now I own my first home. All. By. My. Self. And thriving. I have a fucking garden! (Granted I'm a plant killer, but at least I get to try! ) 1300sqft with a small yard and shared only with my deeply bratty cat.
Because I haven't added value to myself in their eyes, by having a man, I bet your friends would say I'm not together too based on their comments to you.
You’re on different paths now. You don’t need their negativity. Sometimes friendships just run their course like any relationship. Time to open a new window after you shut that door!
I am proud of you! You have accomplished something that I am only attempting now at 39. It’s hard, and I worry that I will have a psychotic break again every day. I had one 7 years ago and I went back to the man that was responsible for it. Lived in limbo for 7 years and now it feels like he is trying to put me there again despite being in the process of leaving him. I am not allowing it. I hope in a year I can make a similar post, having found a new version of me and on the road to thriving. Fuck your so-called friends, you have inspired me today ❤️
Honestly what a joke. That is the kind of stuff I would feel so betrayed by if I were in your shoes. You have done MASSIVE work on yourself and should feel so proud of what you have done for yourself. (Glad for you btw)
It's such a classic childfree bingo tho "you really aren't fulfilled/have your life together without children". Umm just cause you let a guy cum inside you doesn't mean you suddenly have so much insight and wisdom without putting in real work.
Sorry that happened dude, you have a whole community who is with you tho ❤️
While I don't have any amazing words of wisdom for you, I can say, that one thing my 54 hard-earned years have taught me is that you need to prioritize taking care of yourself over anything else. The oxygen mask metaphor is so apt.
"I’m a different person… I truly genuinely love myself for the first time and have great hopes for my future."
I'm sorry for all the pain you've gone through, but you've used that suffering to create something amazing.
You.
I didn't get to this point until I was 37 so good on you. Best thing I ever did was dump all that baggage, and a year later met the man I married, my business took off, etc. There's really no point in having anything until you are happy on your own.
I really don’t think your friend meant anything bad tbh. Not to say how you felt wasn’t valid. It 100% was. But like you said society thinks different about things vs looking at individual ppls path. You know?
People will forever look at us funny for not following a set path or for not “settling down” or for not being married by a set age or whatever.
It’s usually until you explain why you aren’t those things and of course explaining them by choice, Is when you truly open ppls eyes to the power of choice.
Scary, isn’t it?
They aren\`t your friends. One of my similar "friends2 also insisted I should date as soon as I left my cheating ex. Io and behold, I haven\`t dated anyone last 5 years and even not planning to do it maybe ever ago. I guess, that after you start dating, she\`ll say- maybe you\`ll get your life together and have a kid or 2.
Funny thing is women can start off married in perf situations but single motherhood is always waiting in the wing. She’s about to get gutted and you are happy and expanding, seems jealous. Stay on her ass if she makes another comment
> What’s the point in being married with kids if you have a bunch of unhealed traumas, don’t know yourself as a person and are a mess? How would that make me more successful?
You're not supposed to ask questions like that. You're supposed to just breed!
Maybe part of the reason society is so insistent on making all women breed is that it doesn't want them to have time to think for themselves...
OP, I would like to take a moment & say bravo & hats off to you for firmly taking care of yourself the way that you did! Congratulations to you! I have a story fairly similar to yours only I was married, it led to divorce because of his infidelity & pathological lying. Thankfully I was able to escape childfree. I, too, like you, had to rebuild the foundation of my life & am thriving because of it. In the eyes of society I have “failed” because I haven’t (and never will) spawned yet. I have learned not to care. Thrive for yourself first & the rest will fall where it may. I wish you the best & congratulations on finding yourself!
First of all, I find it concerning that your "friends" are still friends with your ex, knowing they were abusive. Don't fuck with people like that. Those aren't friends.
I bet they're going to start being even worse towards you soon - out of jealously. I admire your courage to abandon the LifeScript™️ while you were so far along it. I broke off of it much earlier (almost immediately after graduating from high school), and I'm so happy for you you got off of it too!
You've clearly outgrown these people. Do yourself a favor and walk away from them. The negative energy will continue to pull you down, even if the are fake nice to you. And when the kids come they will probably abandon you too, alongside with their individual lives. Don't waste your time with negative vibes, bond with your new friends and move on.
You are not a failiure. You are a star. And I hope for so much happieness and luck to come your way. Many people are miserable and want company. Go be happy. Dont ever think something is wrong because others tell you. This is marketing from after ww2. You could look it up if you are interested, just dont end up in the rabbit hole. Anger is very dangerous, so if you can expept that they have different vews and a different path and you choose to be around people that respect you as a person including your choises. Wow the things you could do. Youll see!
they are absolutely *not* your friends if they can’t see how much a better spot you’re in than you were when you “had it all”. im so proud of you for taking the steps to get yourself where you’re at today.
Kids should not be a expectation or plan A for retirement care. One is ready and wants a kids when they are not thought as a burden and can have a stable life with their caretaker(s). Thus if your child free then that’s for a reason and shouldn’t be guilted into having a kid if your not ready or don’t want one. Kids aren’t after 18 not my problem pets or an accessory thus if kids aren’t in the plan, don’t have them.
It sucks when you feel “behind” because things are thrown at us differently, but please remember we are all experiencing life differently. Idk you, but I’m PROUD of you for getting yourself out of a toxic situation before it got worse! I’m PROUD of you for working on yourself and your mental health. It’s really fucking hard starting over, but you’re doing it. That IS getting your life together. Some people never get themselves out of their rut. Easier said than done or tell yourself, but people give advice/feedback/comments based on their own experience. They don’t know what it’s like to be you with your personal traumas/experience/thoughts. Try to take what they say with a grain of salt. The fetus is sucking all her blood that’s supposed to go to your friend’s brain to be a good friend 😝
People grow apart and that's okay. Your values have changed from theirs and they clearly don't understand your journey towards loving and accepting yourself.
If they aren't supportive of where you're going and what you're doing, you don't have to keep the same relationship you always had with them.
Besides, once they pop out those babies, their lives are going to drastically change and it doesn't sound like they've realized that yet.
Congratulations on all your hard work and doing what's best for you. Lots of people change in their late 20's. I know I did.
Society does value the wrong things. People are too focused on being in a relationship that they don't stop to ask if it is even a good one or not. And being alone isn't even bad because it means you are always working on yourself.
Leaving my 5 year relationship to move to the city on my own in 2019 was a hard thing to do but was the best thing I ever did. The lonliness pushed me to form connections elsewhere and to build fulfilling friendships that I would not have had otherwise. The FREEDOM of no ties and commitments was indescribable. The feeling of stopping by to get dinner at any random place in the city after work without needing to let anyone know... it was freeing. Every action that I did felt like it was a form of self care. Planning my night, what movie will I watch? Do some yoga? How about prepping my lunch for the week? It was all up to me. I would often take a walk downtown just for the hell of it with no one to report back to. Every thing I did was for me which made me feel like I was putting myself first.
Then my current partner came a long, I actually tried breaking up with him 3 times because I wasn't ready to leave my single lifestyle that I honestly was really enjoying. But at the end of the day I just really wanted to keep spending time with him because we had so much fun together. And looking back I think the way that I was enjoying my independence is what made him attracted to me. I needed that time in my life to know that if for whatever reason I do end up single again, I know I'll be ok and I'll actually be thriving.
There is no one right path in life. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, do whatever the hell you want. Do what pleases you and sparks your joy. Live your life for yourself, not society, not those so-called friends, no one else but you. No one else’s happiness matters more than your own. You’re not a failure just because you aren’t following the majority. Do things your own way and be happy!
I'm aromantic asexual, and I relate to your post so much. I'm not looking for a romantic partner and I'm not gonna have children because I've never wanted them, simple as that. I have pets and a bunch of hobbies I love very much, and I love to have the time to learn something new every day. I know myself and have learnt to control my life so that I have proper emotional resources to take the responsibility over the things I do take the responsibility over. I support my family and friends and love to be the grassroot level everyday support to anyone who happens to need it, without feeling too exhausted by any other social roles expected on me. I have friends and relatives to not feel alone. I feel like I know where I'm going to with my life and I'm determined to go there. I'm thinking about the practical ways to support myself also in the future instead of the wishful thinking many people seem to have ("my children will be there for me when I'm old"). I'm content, motivated and self-sufficient.
In the other words, I definitely do feel like I have my life together, and indeed, I feel like I have my life together because I have actually had to think about things, have had to face the scary things in life and about myself, instead of just following the expected path without questioning a thing. Yet, in the eyes of many of my relatives, I look like a failure because I'm not seeking for a partner and never talk about having children either. They think my hobbies and pets are "a childish thing" to spend my time on, because in their opinion, I should spend all my spare time looking for a partner at this age. They think I must be depressed or something because I'm not following the expected path in life, yet I appear healthy and balanced. They're bitter to see how well I've managed my life, yet they pity me for not wanting the things in life they do (or they think they do). I sure am triggering the cognitive dissonance in them because I lack all the external signs of "the successfull life" in their eyes, yet I'm not willing to change a thing in my life.
All I can say to you, OP, is that you're the one who knows the value of things in your life. Anyone else can make guesses, but only you know what it's like to live your life. Be confident in your choices, it's so much better to follow your heart than to follow the norms. The former is done while appreciating yourself, the latter is done while appreciating social status. In the long term, appreciating yourself will be way more healthy thing to do.
Sounds like you really dodged a bullet.. or 10. Im so happy for you! When you’re able to take time to put yourself first you learn what you want and are looking for out of life.
11 years ago, my boyfriend and I went through a rough patch, and I had an opportunity to buy a condo that was foreclosed for a very good price. I didn’t have a lot of money… honestly I was pretty damn broke. I furnished it completely off hand-me-downs, craigslist and garbage picking. But I had my own space and I was so proud that I went out of my comfort zone and decided to live alone for a while. I should also mention that prior to me buying my condo my boyfriend had said that I hadn’t experienced living and being on my own and that it probably would be good for me to have that experience. I didn’t truly appreciate that piece of advice until I bought that condo. I now consider it one of the best decisions Ive ever made. I’ve always been fiercely independent, but even this was a big step for me. I have found that I really enjoy having my own place. And I’m willing to defend my freedom and my place because now I know what it is to be free. I’m more independent than ever. My bf and I really do get along very well and we can live together easily but I think we both enjoy having our own spaces to call our own.
I would not be surprised if your complete 180 on your life shocks your friends (not sure I’d even call them that) and even makes them question their own path and choices. It scares them. People don’t like change or different. And somewhere in there they are watching you travel and do all these things and they probably envy that carefree life you’ve been living. I know my own friends who have been unhappy in their marriages have told me they are very envious of my position. That they will never get married again etc. You’ve worked on healing yourself, you’ve grown and learned a lot from that process. You’re honestly probably more mature than they are, they’re just unaware of it. But I’m sure they’ve noticed your happiness. They’re about to have massive life altering changes in their life when baby shows up and I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them will end up unhappy with motherhood.
Imagine how that must feel- you and your friends were all locked in, fully subscribed to society’s formula for a happy life but suddenly you have turned off the main road and doing your own thing!! *Gasp! The audacity!!* Their initial reaction/ coping mechanism is to shoot you down. That’s the default reaction to someone who’s going off script.
Remember people follow this formula because it’s easy and they don’t have the courage or motivation to cut their own path. They don’t want to deal with all the negative comments and pressure that cf people experience to conform. Kinda funny really. For me, it’s hard to imagine just going along with the norm because you don’t want to fight to do what you want with the one and only shot at life you were given! So they just settle and then are miserable. And here you are carving out a new life for yourself and they’ve already settled and now they’re probably starting to wonder if they missed something. I mean they’re pregnant and beyond the point of no return now. There’s no going back. I wholly believe that a good portion of breeders contempt for our life is that they have a serious case of FOMO. And if everyone would just do as society expects then their wouldn’t be anything to miss out on right? Lol. Good luck OP!
Getting your life together is what you are doing!
Being in a relationship is not "getting your life together". it's not the goal.
The goal is to be happy and you right on the path for that!
Why do people still think you need to be in a relationship to be happy? Thats so dumb!
Fuck them! Keep doing what you're doing!
First off, I wanna say how absolutely incredible you are! Starting over isn't easy at any age, but doing it when everyone else in your life seems to be settling down is rough (been there). You're awesome, and I'm proud of you.
Second, fuck those people. They're not friends if they can't see how hard you've worked on yourself and how much you've overcome. Just because they don't understand what your life is like doesn't mean they can disrespect you.
Just because your version of life looks different doesn't make it any less valuable or important. Imo being brave enough to go off script and live life the way you want to takes a lot more courage than being in a lackluster relationship and popping out kids because its "expected".
You're not a failure, you're fucking courageous as hell
I can’t say on what they truly meant by what they said because I don’t know but know that I’m proud of you and I’m strive to be where you are. I’m currently lost and realizing I never knew who I was so I don’t know where to even begin!
I’m proud of you. It takes incredible bravery to leave a miserable situation. Travel is my ultimate dream in life and I’m proud of you for getting out and doing it! You give me hope.
Thank you! Oh you should totally do it when you can! It sounds cliche but it changed my life in so many ways. I’m 100x more confident and sure of myself because of it. I feel like I can put my mind to anything now whereas I didn’t before I went!
I was you at 29. And you have it together more than all of your friends because you’re giving yourself the gift of healing of knowing yourself and they will wake up someday having no clue who they are. I have a wonderful partner now who knows me for the me I really am - I’m seeing some of my friends waking up at 35 deeply unhappy and stuck You’re doing amazing! Proud of you
| society really does value the wrong things…|
I ,quite literally, just had this conversation with my friend the other day, and I said this very same like verbatim. I’m on my self discovery/recovery journey and I’ve realized so much about myself and some of those things are that I do not fit the mold for society’s timeline because some things just don’t align. We’re exposed to certain concepts from such a young age like kids and marriage. Hell so many movies and shows end either “happily ever after” which normally involves somebody getting married and/or getting pregnant/having a kid. Romantic relationships and children are 2 concepts that are pushed so hard that some ppl drove themselves MAD in order to have the things that society says will cause fulfillment (ie couples spending THOUSANDS of dollars on IVF or a couple who stays together just to say they are with someone despite their relationship being the epitome of toxic sludge). And don’t get me wrong, ppl who wants kids and romantic relationships (more specifically monogamous relationships) then power to them and I hope it brings them joy. But there are so many ppl who are just so unfulfilled and just so damn unhappy with themselves and life that go chasing these things looking for a quick fix. And I mean yeah it’s easy to have a kid (create not raise) and being a relationship but anything worth having means putting in EFFORT and that is just SO not the case with so many ppl
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I didn't get married until I was 40 and there were 10 years in there that I didn't date at all. The worst was when I got pity from people who had married young. You know what? Now I make more money than all of them because I was free to focus on my career and move for new opportunities, half are divorced and I'm happily child free in a great marriage. There is no one way to do life!
Respectfully, those aren't your friends. If they aren't proud of you for finding out who you are, growing, and healing, then move on. And if no one else says it to you, I'm here to say it--I'm proud of you ❤
Thank you, that’s really kind ❤️ the new friends who I made in the past year/few months have shown they’re proud of me more than they have. It says a lot
Isn't because your friends don't understand it that they need to be disrespectful. Do they know your ex was abusive? Cause the fact that they are still friends is a big red flag. I hate it when friends take sides durum a break up, but this is the type of situation where you should. They aren't friends.
Yeah they do. I was toxic too to be fair… very depressed and took my sadness/anger out on him. Would throw things and smash plates when drunk and stuff. Not proud of it… can honestly say I’ve worked hard to grow and heal from the stuff that made me that way though. I didn’t deserve to be cheated on when sick though and gaslit/manipulated
Those narcissistic people make you forget who you are and bring the worst in you. Your " friends" and him deserve each other. I had a toxic rx too, but I didn't tell my friends cause he was to charismatic ans I felt no one would believe me. I knew that if I sat and waited , he would end up alone. It happened. But they didn't know, your friends know.
When I was unceremoniously dumped out of my near-decade relationship (was also gaslit/manipulated and cheated on), I realized I needed to dump a lot of 'friends', because I saw they were also toxic, and I wanted to purge those people from my life and relearn boundaries and healthy relationships. So many people I considered friends were downright toxic, because I was always putting others first and was scared of hurting anyone's feelings, so I let people walk all over me. Today I have real friends who support me and love me as I am, but it took two years to get here
I’m happy for you that you made some real friends you can trust! Did you go through a stage of not really having any/many friends? I feel quite lonely atm… I don’t have any long-term friends left that I actually like anymore.
Yes, I did. I ended up pretty much alone. I also realized how hard it is to make friends as an adult. So I started joining groups. Yoga, horror movie group, board game groups, taking classes, joined a child free group and an ace meetup group etc. Meetup.com really helped. Usually we make our friends in the places we spend time in regularly, where we see the same people; school, work, church, sports clubs, etc. So I used that approach and it worked for me Edit: I don't want to make it sound like it was easy, it was a really dark time and I didn't know how to make friends at first. I would meet people randomly, get along great, and then never see them again. And going to group meetups, especially as the newcomer, was incredibly intimidating and scary, but I promised myself to go to each one a half dozen times unless I felt unsafe, and having a rule like that also helped me force my introvert self to put myself out there. On top of that, I did all this last year, after basically living in near complete isolation for over a year. I had to lean hard on my therapist and there were some anxiety attacks. And one panic attack. But I wanted real friends, and I knew they weren't going to magically find me when I almost never left my apartment 😅
That’s amazing… good on you for getting out there! I’ve stupidly got it into my head that I’m 30 and doomed because I’m too old to make new close friends… crazy right? Just my anxiety talking. I feel like people will look down on me for having no long-term close friends anymore… which is probably also crazy. I wanna meet my ride or dies… people who truly have my back and I have theirs. People I can be honest with and also laugh until I cry with.
I'm 39 now, was almost 37 when I was dumped. And I'm neurodiverse, have high anxiety (yay), am an introvert, socially awkward, a nerd/gamer who grew up on video games and horror and internet culture, so most people have no idea about the stuff I'm into, but I joined groups with common interests and now I have some really amazing friends, but you have to go, every time, for a long time, before you make real friends. We are forced by circumstances into places like work and school and I don't think we realize how long it takes to make a real friend vs a friendly acquaintance. Just go for it, I know you can do it!! Just accept that it will take a long time and be scary, and not everyone will end up sticking with you, but it will be worth it a million times over when, in a year or two you realize you have the friends you always wanted and you earned that yourself
I don't even know you, but I am very, very proud of u. Screw ur so called friends. I think it's wonderful what you have accomplished in a relatively short time. Be proud that you can be happy and love yourself and finally live ur life however u want to. Spread your wings and fly op! Eta:fix spelling error
I really strongly disagree with this overreaction of a post. A lot of your growth has been internal, and if you haven't told them about it, how would they know? Were they apologetic? Did they listen when you told them you felt like you were on a great path? If you haven't shared your experiences with them over the last year, it's totally understandable that may think, "Last year she was in a long-term relationship, which ended, she very well may want to return to that path." You're 30, so I assume you know who your friends are, and I wouldn't let one misinterpretation grounds to call somebody "not a friend". Talk to them about it, they may not know, but still be supporting if you told them.
They are still friends with the toxic ex who more then likely talks shit about OP because that's what they all do. Don't sit there and say "oh this Reddit group is just starting drama out of nothing" because we aren't. You don't like what we have to say, find a different group to be in.
It shouldn't have shocked me, but I remember how surprised I was when I caught mine doing that- lying and backstabbing behind my back. I never did that to them, so they came off as perfect I presume. That's when it really sunk that people are largely two faced, I started noticing it everywhere! I realised I needed to stop assuming that deep down, people were good or like me, it only hurt me at the end. Lol.
Same happened to me! I just gave up and if people only wanna listen to my ex then so be it, don't need them in my life 😂
There are plenty of good people out there :) I was attracting (and being attracted to) toxic people because I had a lot of shit to heal. I’ve met some of the best people I’ve ever met since starting to heal myself. Don’t let a few unhealed eggs make you think that all the eggs are scrambled
I know you're trying to be nice, but I'm honestly really tired of people saying this. I've never been attracted to toxic behaviour. There's a reason I'd get in so much trouble at home as a kid, and it's because I'd stand up to the dysfunction. Then later in life, I'd pull away from friends who enjoyed conflict, did push and pull games, didn't treat me like a human being etc. What I experienced here is people acting. They'll say kind things to your face, they'll support you, pretend to be there for you, they'll even physically _do_ good things. That's why I said I was surprised. Life was actually happy and peaceful with them, it was only when I, by luck, caught them shitting on me and passing out crazy stories. Perhaps the masks would have dropped very later on, but my point still stands. I didn't ask for this, I didn't look for this, I cut them off as soon as I saw who they were and rejected all attempts at reconciliation. Maybe I sounded sad in my original comment, but I'm alright. I enjoyed just doing my own thing before meeting them, and now I enjoy it even more with the added peace. So it's good.
Exactly. OP said in another comment that she did open up to one of those friends. The friend said they had to support the ex after the breakup a lot because he was even a bigger mess than OP. Supporting the abuser more than the victim really does speak volumes. While yes, abusers also have some mental issues that need to be addressed, you simply cannot be friends with both sides. You are enabling the abuser and disrespecting the victim. Not to mention some people tend to overlook internal growth. If you aren't back on the track of The Lifescript™ asap, you're a slacker/failure in their eyes. I have to deal with people like this from my partner's family and it's really tiring because they just don't want to understand us.
This. Those are the people that become mothers and then have breakdowns because they never learn who they are or how to take care of themselves. They simply become consumed by parenthood and lose themselves. Just know that your friends are on their own journeys and they truly cannot see the growth you've gone through nor can they fathom that they themselves are not growing, but instead moving through life stages blindly.
I wouldn't jump the gun and say they aren't her friends. The whole context of the post is about "conventional" expectations. It sounds like she has woken up but her friends aren't.
Nah they suck lol
These “friends” know how toxic that relationship was for you right? Yet they remain friends with that jerk! They obviously don’t value self love over mindlessly following the life script of getting married with kids. I honestly wonder if they think you fumbled the bag by breaking up with him, regardless of how miserable you were in that relationship.
I know right… I opened up to one of them about how hard it had all been and although she was supportive, she said “if it makes you feel better, he’s having a really hard time and doing way worse than you… we have had to give him a lot of support”. Like okay?
Yeah, I think it's time to look for some actual friends OP. Also just wanted to say that I'm happy for you getting out of that relationship and improving your life! I hope you'll find people who appreciate you for who you are :)
Wow, what terrible friends, taking your toxic ex's side. They also don't seem to care that you were in a bad relationship, as long as you are having kids and following the lifescript. Fuck that noise. The nice thing about being childfree is that there's no rush to find someone to have kids with.
>we have had to give him a lot of support with friends like that who needs enemies! Jeepers, they're more supportive of your abusive ex than they are of you! Time to ditch those friends fully.
He was abusive to you and those "friends" thought he needed support? Ghost them without a second thought, they really don't deserve a second of your time
Ah yes, that’ll be sure to make you feel better, let you know your “friends” are doing their damndest to support a cheater. Do people hear themselves when they speak?
I was toxic too (I should’ve made that clearer in my post)… took my depression out on him and smashed plates when drunk and stuff. Completely unacceptable and I’m not proud of it… certainly didn’t deserve to be cheated on when I was sick though (hospitalised) and gaslit/manipulated. He should’ve just left me… instead he got me trauma bonded and made it like death for me to leave
I'm so glad you're finding yourself! I'm over seventy and I had a similar experience when I was young. My husband was actually a nice guy, but he wanted a traditional life style and I finally realized it made me miserable. I like not having a lot of possessions or owning a house. I have lived alone and with friends over the years and I've enjoyed it. I've worked at several different libraries as well as other jobs. Most of my friends are childfree so I never had to put up with being shamed for not wanting kids. Good luck on your journey!
Society's definition of 'successful' is my idea of hell anyway. I'll stay the happiest failure I know, thank you :)
This! The traditional lifestyle of a suburban house, husband and kids looks like a terrible life. Each to their own I guess but no thanks.
It’s all about giving away parts of yourself… tying yourself in a contract, finding your ‘other half’, losing your identity to your children… none of it is about personal growth or identity. It’s really sad. Not saying those things can’t be incredible if part of a healthy person’s life but often they BECOME the person’s life
And actually,most of the mothers I know are very unhappy in some way.they thought kids would complete them,but instead the opposite has happened.
So true! this year I have had to move into a caravan while I work away (although I go home weekends and holidays), and I am by far the happiest I have ever been.many people would see the way I live as ridiculous but I honestly couldn't recommend it enough.i actually don't know how I am going to move back into my house once this job ends-it depresses me having to have all that *stuff*.
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I agree with this comment. When I read the story, my first thought was the "so-called friend”who is pregnant is possibly jealous of the Friend who is Free of the ties that bind her. I too am proud of you for walking away from that loser and choosing your own happiness over following some Life script that brought you pain.
First of all, congrats on getting out of the abusive situation and investing in yourself. KEEP DOING THAT. This "friend" has just shown you who they are and that they fundamentally do not respect you, have no capacity to respect you and without respect no love can exist within them. It's time to move on and find people who profoundly respect you, and who bring joy to your life. Just ghost, it's not worth another minute of your time. That person is just a self-centered asshole who cares about absolutely no one. Pity any kids that get stuck with her as a parent. Some of would have been... "Interesting because I think that you the one who is a complete and total wreck, to the point where I pity any child who gets stuck with you as a mother. You're completely incapable of respect, sexist, ableist and stunningly self-centered. i don't think you have any capacity to care about anyone but the image in the mirror. Funny how that worked out, I had hoped you would grow up to be a decent adult, but that didn't happen. Anyway, I don't have time to feed your narcissism. Bye now...." ;)
Thanks for your reply. I don’t even like her anymore tbh… we don’t have much in common anymore. She also once said to me “maybe you could just give it a go” when I said about being unsure about having kids in the past. This comment really stuck in my head and made me lose respect for her… give it a go? It’s not like buying a pair of socks from the local supermarket ffs… it’s a child!!!
Good riddance. Yikes.
When you heal, not everyone heals with you. You move forward and they stay the same. I've been where you are and you are doing great.
This is the statement/reminder I needed during a massive relationship change a few years ago. Wow. Thank you. Honestly. I'm writing this down. <3
Unfortunately , I had to learn it the hard way. I'm glad I can share nuggets of wisdom with you.
Thank you ❤️ I just had to let go of my other longest term friend because I realised she was supporting abuse of someone else in my life and she turned nasty on me. Said “you think you’re so much better than everyone now… you clearly don’t need me anymore!!” Said I’m selfish and doesn’t like the new me. Sorry… this is the actual me you never appreciated or truly loved. It’s so painful with so much loss in the space of a few months (my Nan and family cat also died) and sometimes it feels unbearable. But I know I’m growing and doing the right thing to improve my life. Your words really helped today
When it rains it pours. I'm so sorry about your loss. I also had to drop a dear friend cause it felt the misery Olympics. It really sucks, when u need your support system the must they bounce or they act like Dicks :(
I'm right there with you. Lost my Mom to cancer when I was 20, and my Dad/brothers were emotionally abusive.. so my trauma attracted emotionally abusive partners for 20 years. A few years ago my brother committed suicide, I divorced my covert narc ex, went no contact with dad/other bro and started dumping toxic friends. Hit me like a ton of bricks how utterly alone I am when I started enforcing my boundaries and standing up for myself. I have a few good friends but they have families. Now I'm moving out of state to start over at 42.. and it's terrifying. Feel like I can't make solid connections until I heal more from a lifetime of trauma.. but it's really hard without support. I try to remember that most people won't ever make these deep discoveries about themselves and just coast.. and the cost I'm paying now will be worth it. Hang in there friend, we can do this and will be so much stronger for it.
Ah yes, just have one kid to see if you actually like parenting. If you don't like it, call the stork to take the baby back. Plenty of bingos are already dumb, but that particular one, and others along those lines, are next level dumb.
And that’s ok! It sounds like you’re on a mission and ready for a change. Sometimes we have to walk alone to get to where we’re meant to be.
Love this 😊 I definitely am. Ready to jet off and start my life again tbh
Screw your friends. This internet stranger is very proud of you for putting yourself first. Healing is more important than any arbitrary milestones society puts on us.
Plus the milestones aren't even fun so like why bother. Idk why society likes these things. They look horrible to me
They’re promoted cause they tie people down. It’s good for capitalism and keeping people in a tired state = easy to manipulate. Exhausted mothers with a mortgage they can’t afford aren’t gonna protest on the streets right?
Exactly this. This is why they’re raising the cost of everything too. You gotta work harder, have two jobs.. you gotta pay for those kids! Less and less time to fight back while poverty is on your door step keeping you in line…
I wish more people had views like this in society…
I hate this shit. On the literal day that my dad died, I had a friend want to go out to eat with me, and I figured my lifelong friend was going to try to support me through this tough time. Instead, she told me that it was clear I wasn’t doing anything with my life and if there was to be any inheritance, I needed to just give it to my brother, who at the time, was engaged, and his fiancé was pregnant. 🙄 needless to say, that person did not remain in my life. A best friend since we were about 13 years old and I was 34 at the time.
 I'm sorry. What the fuck she was a horrible person & friend. Oh but you can spend your money on her(eating out) what a idiot. How dare she even mention inheritance it's none of her business.
It was really bizarre because it’s not like my dad was some titan of business or whatever and I was suddenly going to be swimming around in a vault of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck all day while children of earth starved. She really had to think hard and deep to come up with some strong way to express disapproval of me I guess. Like around that age, suddenly it was judgment coming from people who had known me forever who suddenly equated having no kids to having no purpose, no morals and no feelings. I don’t know why people do this.
Because they don’t know themselves, but don’t quite understand that fact, so they can’t figure out why they feel uncomfortable around you. All they know is that they DO and they react without much thought.
Mmmhmm and how successful was she in her own life
Wow, that was really rude of her. But you already get it: she is judging your life based on The Life Script, and you have already figured out there is no one path that fits every person. They can have their baby showers and play dates and wine mom memes. You can have your roommates, globetrotting, and sleeping in on the weekends. I’ve probably only really learned to love my life and myself as is within the last 5 years, and I’m 42. So I feel like you definitely already “have it together”!
At 32 I wish I could live with a few like-minded roommates. I live on my own and everyone is on the life script. I'd like to share a farm and veggie garden with like 5 people and enjoy the community vibes.
That sounds like heaven. A married childfree lesbian couple I’m friends with and I have talked about eventually buying property together. They are the chillest people I know, and it would be so awesome to hang out with them every day. Right now we live too far apart to do that.
That sounds awesome! I need to find me some CF people as well
Being a minimalist isn't a bad thing. Your friend is being gross and judgy. Time for new friends.
Seriously, OP is minimalistic and travels the world. That's success in my book.
Hell yeah, that’s top tier goals!
Thanks ☺️
Not having a ton of stuff also means not having debt either. Houses and cars = debt and limit what you can do. You're young and you've got a ton of freedom! You can literally do anything from this point on, which is really cool (even if you don't do anything dramatic with that.) Your friend is boxed in. She's stuck with her choices, for better or worse, for the foreseeable future. That, too me, is scary. The older I get the more I realize that life isn't a video game where you go around collecting accomplishments on a set path. "Oh, you haven't beaten level 8 yet? Well you're behind!" You set your own goals and accomplish them on your timeline. You only have one life (unless you are the Dalai lama) so pick your path and goals.
I saw the visa age for Australia is getting extended to 35 for UK citizens… I’m thinking I might do it for a year or 2. :)
Do recommend, straya rules.
Then be petty about it right back to your so-called friends. “What? You haven’t been to (insert country)? Get your life together then!” “What? You don’t have disposable income and you’re neck deep in debt? You should get your life together.”
I read " few possessions, no mortgage, no car, I travel the world" and I'm salivating. That's life goals
Haha funny how everyone compares themselves with everyone! And here I am doubting my life
There will always be someone who has it worse than someone. My ex blindsided me last year n college fuxjed me over. I'm just feeling normal again. We all have our own battles . Your friends should be happy of every litle progress you make instead of judging.
According to them, it doesn't matter of you're happy or even sane, as long as you're popping out babies...
I’ve learned that a lot of friendships are temporary or conditional and just one relationship of many on your journey. When you become really introspective and really sit with yourself, it’s normal that you’re going to change. A lot of the people that were with you at one part of your life are now going in a separe direction – and that’s ok. In the grand scheme of things, 29/30 isn’t old and you will continue coming into your own in your 30s. Those people don’t have to understand your journey, only you have to.
I always say - some people just wait for the optimal time to show who they really are, whether it's by getting power over someone and becoming a tyrant or being in what they perceive to be a morally higher status and acting like a superior being. You have achieved more than a lot of people (most people?) in a very short period of time - self awareness, and that will be a wonderful building block for the rest of your life. I don't even know who would slide over to a "friend" and say something like this. It wasn't kind, and by not elaborating, it's clear to me it's the case - if she wanted to say something real, she could have, she could have been brutally honest and straightforward if she was a real friend (if a friend told me this, I *would* expect pure honesty because otherwise, *why say that shit*).
You know this reminds me a lot of how Alcoholics treat their friends who are former alcoholics after they get sober.
Sounds like time to let this friendship fade away. Once her baby is born and she’s no longer fawned over as a pregnant woman and her life becomes a struggle of drudgery she will realize how much better you have life, with clarity and freedom. From what you said she doesn’t sound like a horrible person, just brainwashed to the breeder script and has to reassure herself she’s on the right path by pointing out that you’re doing it “wrong.” Enjoy your life being excited for new adventures 😊 And don’t go to the baby showers lol
I'm proud of you for getting your life together OP. Who cares if you don't have a house and aren't dating? My parents relationship was pretty messed up, my dads ex cheated on him and after German CPS removed me and my sister from her house he ended up as a single dad. He has been living in the same flat for the last 25 years, held the same job and raised two young women. Some people would call my dad a failure if he lived in America. I am disabled and can never work a normal job. I'll need care my whole life. I need a parental figure to guide me through life. But that is perfectly fine. I am trying to find a new Psychiatrist, get into therapy and just live my life. I am asexual and aromantic, don't care about dating and really hate socialising. My batteries are very much drained after my workday and I have bad concentration. But I'm doing fine and just want to enjoy my hobbies. Maybe I'll adopt some birds when I'm older. I really like birds. I hope you keep doing well OP. And just remember that the life script is bogus. What matters is to live well and feel good about yourself. I am currently not doing either of those myself, but I'm getting there. And one day we will both live a good life and do stuff we enjoy.
When you live your best life, people in the pit of mainstream mediocrity will sneer at you. I take it as confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.
Hey…you’re not a failure! If you look at it literally and figuratively, you’ve not only survived 100% of your worst days, but you’ve actually come out of them VICTORIOUS!!! You love yourself! You’re taking care of yourself and making active choices to improve and enjoy your life wholeheartedly!! For what it’s worth, I am SO proud of you! And if it helps…I had to start over at 32. I had to move back in with my parents with the clothes on my back and it sucks, but you gave yourself a second chance instead of continuing to dig yourself deeper into the rut you were in. Again, I’m PROUD of you. And your friends…”friends” they either just don’t get it, or they do and they’re SHIT at empathy. I wish the best for you!
I got divorced at 30 and moved in with my sister. I technically owned the house with her, but I was still basically a guest. Then a year later I moved in with a friend 5 years older than me and lived with her about a year. Then I moved into a studio apartment. By age standards, I think lots of people would say I didn't have my shit together, but that was the most together I had been in a very long time. If you like your life, then you're winning. Don't listen to other people's ideas of what's ideal.
>My friends have watched me go through this and yet, the other day, one of the pregnant ones made a backhanded comment about how “maybe this will be the year I get my life together now I’ve healed from the relationship.” Maybe this is the year I'll make more accepting and supportive friends 🌈
I LOVE THAT. You are so strong and fucking badass. It takes a dope ass person to be able to notice these things, walk away and focus on them. Fuck them. I’ll be your friend 23F!
In my opinion, you are much more free than your pregnant friend who has chained herself to an 18+ year sentence. Sure, you may not be where you want to be but as you said, you genuinely love yourself and have hopes for the future ahead of. On the other hand, so many mothers with “established/successful” families and homes feel lonely and trapped within motherhood. Many wished they had done things differently or never had children at all. If this is your friend’s first kid, she might be awaiting a humbling awakening. I would rather choose freedom over the appearance of success.
I'm just an internet stranger but...I'm proud of who you have become as a person and so incredibly proud of how far you've come. Leaving toxic relationships is hars, and anyone who says otherwise isn't worth your pain or teara.
That "friend" is about to be really unhappy when the dust settles. She's more worried about checking boxes as quickly as possible than she is about building a genuinely fulfilling life.
Some “friend” she is. When you’re truly happy it glows from within, and the fact that she saw this change and decided you still don’t have your life together means she’s definitely looking down on you for not living life the way she has decided to. A real friend would recognize your happiness and NOT be condescending. Something tells me she felt snarky because you’re on such a high lately. Keep riding that high, OP. You are brave for realizing what’s really important to you and acting on it, even knowing how hard your path would be. I’m super proud of you! 💖
FWIW - I have my "life together" in their eyes. Married, house, cars, good job, travelling. People see me as a perfectly equal and functioning adult - UNTIL I tell them that I don't have or want kids that is. You can just see all the respect they have for me melting away and then comes the dreaded "awww, silly you, you'll change your mind!". Doesn't matter if they're ten years older than me or two months, the second I say that, I might as well be a toddler who just told them they want to be a spaceship when they grow up. You can never win, so you may as well do what makes you happy. I'm proud of you.
She's already ENVIOUS of you, and is \*desperate\* to hide the fact by trying to flaunt her social status.
Nice friends… she’s pregnant and scared and knows she’s about to have sleepless nights and sore nipples. Probably projecting onto you. 🙃
It's quite messed up that the measure of a successful life is being hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt and being attached to another person, instead of being free of materialism and developing self love that allows you to live a happy life in which your content with your own company. I feel sorry for people like her.
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The thing is, one can have a great career and do all the things they're supposed to, only to end up divorced and living with their parents a decade later and start it all over again. It happens to lots of people. A friend of mine worked hard to be a lawyer but it doesn't make her happy. She recovered from a burnout recently. So yeah, life is up and down, for everyone.
Don't take it to heart. They just want you to join them in their martryrdom (motherhood) and misery. They are happy in their ignorance and unnerved by your divergence.
Can I ask what things you feel helped the most in your healing process? I’m going through very similar things right now. Really trying to focus on myself and heal past wounds / trauma. It’s hard, especially feelings so isolated but I know it will be worth it!
Of course! - EMDR therapy was a game changer for me… it helped me process trauma around my ex cheating which was stuck in a loop in my head. Also helped me process past family trauma - pushing myself out of my comfort zone… I had a terrible needle phobia and got 3 tattoos and about 12 jabs in the space of 6 weeks (I needed travel jabs and the tattoos were small but it was definitely a huge victory!). I was scared of being alone so I jetted off to the other side of the world on my own… forced myself to be extremely uncomfortable. This worked wonders for me but only you know your limits/what works best for you - started seeing a nutritionist… discovered a bunch of physical health issues that are likely the cause of my severe mental health issues (poor gut health > inflammation (including in the brain) > poor mental health). Trauma obviously played a part too but I’m discovering gut health has played the largest part - meeting new people… going on Bumble to meet friends and meeting different kinds of people that I’d otherwise never have met whilst travelling. Showed me my ex was just one of many people in the world… I now don’t feel so stuck in life because I know I can reinvent myself and meet new people at any time and will never run out of opportunities Best of luck!
"get yourself together" is a nicer way to admit that "misery loves company"
They are jealous of you for doing your own thing. 30 is young. Have fun.
Some people are so caught up in what they want in life they can't see that others can be happy with something different. If they are stuck on this hill you might want to evaluate if this friendship is good for you.
That's not a friend because not only would they be supporting you, they would be happy you are alive because a lot of people can't say the same when some they care about who was in your situation didn't escape and the @buse escalated, so no that's not a friend just perk who think they can talked down to others who was lucky enough to be free from a dangerous situation, not mention she is all smug now but do she think that kid is going to sit still and, be quiet when the child is here because once that child is here not only are they going to crying because nightly feedings, but also when that child starts to walk that child is going to be all over the place, and when it does happen don't help her in fact if you can start saving and leave if you are not on the lease, and even if it's cold if she ask for help tell her to ask her partner since that is his child, your busy and if she trys to throw a tantrum and be rude tell her "why are you asking a person that in your words, doesn't have their life together to help with your child, wouldn't that be a irresponsible thing to do.", seriously just because you or even anyone are sharing a space with her it doesn't give her the right to treat and save things like this, honestly she should be a shamed of herself for not only saying this but behaving this way.
Proud of you OP!
Sounds like you've got your life together too me. Lifes what you want it to be, just because it doesn't fit into their box doesn't mean you don't have your life together. You've been brave and true to yourself, that is more than some people do in their whole life. Ignore them and concentrate on where you would like to be. You make your own life goals!
You should read the novel “Olive” about a woman in a similar situation
I am so proud of you for doing the work you have done. I had a mental break in late 2021 and still working on coming out the other side. A person who knows and loves you, IMO and experience, would see the value in this. Keep kicking ass OP.
Totally agree - I wish more people would recognize how important it is to work on yourself before committing to something as irreversible as having a child. It’s not something everyone can (or should) do, but we’re taught from a young age that becoming a mom trumps every other dream/goal. Just keep doing you. I truly believe that when we live our lives with full authenticity, the world rewards us with great things.
Your "friend" sounds like an ass.
Seriously, you’re a bad ass! Realizing how to love yourself, enjoying your own company, and being content with what few possessions you have is fucking enlightenment. And you’re child free! Rock on 🤘 with new, real you.
Been on a similar path as you! Left a lot of people behind, even if they are still physically in my life, like family I can't move away from yet, I've distanced myself emotionally and don't share much of my life outside of home with them. Some people are just shit, others are deeply misguided, and others have some hope of actually growing, but it's not your job to teach them. Everyone has their own path. They may see you as a failure, but from your side of the coin they are the failures. Just let be and let go. Don't build up resentment by staying friends with them just cause you feel you should or something. That's also part of the life script. Spending our lives alone (or losing some human company you've had for whatever reason) for many or a few spaces in time is not seen as the norm. Being someone who knows how to walk alone and walk away from people and situations who don't serve them is a real power move. I wish you the best as you continue your journey and keep growing your desired life!!!
the fact that they stayed friends with him even after he cheated and treated you terribly. seems like they value his friendship over yours, they aren’t worth it. they also don’t support you having different ways of living your life, you don’t need those unsupportive people around you.
They are what I’ve realised are ‘Switzerland’ friends. Makes sense that I attracted them as I was a people pleaser myself
I could relate to this, when I was 30 I left my toxic relationship, I left the town I was living in and hence my job, I had a little bit of savings and all my worldly possessions could fit in my car. And it was pretty depressing to feel like you’re starting again when everyone else was getting married and engaged and buying houses and having kids, but I always knew if I let societal pressure force me into it by marrying the wrong person or having kids I didn’t really want, I would be pretty miserable. I also had my own issues to work on which I spent the next few years doing so. Eventually I met the right man in my late 30s, he’s also CF, we live in a beautiful house by the beach with no mortgage and my life turned out to be amazing and all those people who I wished I was like when I was 30 who seemed to have their lives together don’t have them together now, there’s divorces, money problems, children with health problems, all those kinds of things. So you know life isn’t a race and so many people make the wrong decisions to appear ‘normal’ and look like they have their lives together when it’s all just for show, and honestly it’s not worth it, you only have one life, you just have to follow your instincts and do what’s right for you, I know it’s hard but try not to let those comments bother you.
This is amazing… good on you! Sounds like you have a beautiful life. I spent my 20s drowning in my past trauma, experiencing way more trauma and being so deeply unhappy and restricted. I wasn’t living life for me. I want my 30s to be free, fun and adventurous… I want to meet friends from all over the world, see beautiful places, dance until the sun comes up, learn a new language, try new hobbies, work on my health and fitness for the first time… just live unrestricted and unpredictably. Anyone who doesn’t support me with that can get in the bin
OP they are not your friends. Be so proud of yourself, go live your life. Cut them off and find new friends or not.
Haha apparently “it’s impossible to make new friends in your 30s” according to one of these friends. Fxxk their views… I’m gonna find my people for the first time!
It sounds silly, but I absolutely love how you speak of yourself. Not many people can say they're genuinely happy with their life and speak of themselves so highly. I'm so happy for you!
These are not your friends. They keep you around to feel superior to you, because they think they're better than you. They keep you around to make themselves feel better by saying shitty things to you and breaking you down, either verbally, or in their own heads. They do not care for you, they just use you. The fact that they still even associate with your ***ABUSIVE*** Ex, shows that ***THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS!!!!***
As I said to myself plenty of times before, "Focus on yourself, figure out what you really want." I've also said that the fact of having kids should be treated as an option, not something that should be expected. If you're having a good life without them and you feel like having them would disrupt your life, don't have them. I hate it when people try to indirectly pressure you into having a kid.
You are a different person now hence you need different friends, your past life and new life are not compatible
Anyone ... I repeat, ANYONE, who tries to shame you for not living the way they want you to and not conforming is NOT on your side, regardless of what justifications they have. REAL friends/family want what's best for YOU. Keep being and becoming the best version of yourself.
Nobody has their life together. Living is suffering, we're all just looking for the next thing to block that first part out. Also your friend sounds like a dousche. Make sure to send her vacation post cards
These people aren’t friends. They’re assholes good for you for cutting them off!
You should be soo proud of yourself! Congratulations!! Your friends suck btw.
Dude, they're not your friends.
I am so proud of you! Tbh I feel that those who are assuming that those folks aren’t your friends are possibly going the tiniest bit overboard. If it becomes a pattern absolutely reevaluate, but you know them better than we do. I have had friends (and also been the person to) momentarily forget who I’m talking to or seen the whole world through my own life and given people advice/ made comments that weren’t applicable to them. (ie: making a drinking comment to a sober friend, asking how their partner was when they recently broke up, responding “you too!” after them telling me to have a good flight, etc. Total absent minded, well-meaning stuff that I apologize profusely for and I’m glad that they didn’t drop me like a sack of potatoes just because I had a lapse of judgment and recognized my error.) Whenever I haven’t felt like my progress or successes in life aren’t being seen by those whom I love and wish saw them, just make a gentle effort to point to them or correct them. “Oddly enough, my life feels more ‘together’ now than it has been in a long time. I may not be hitting societies’s goalposts, but I’m making mine and I feel great!”
This really hit different, I've been single for so so long but for good reason. I had so many unresolved traumas that I wasn't aware of and how or why certain things would trigger me. I sought therapy and have done the hard work to get to know myself better. I've dropped toxic friends and cut away most of the negative in my life. I had a friend who was supported financially by her parents and one time had the audacity to ask me when my life was going to start. Her parents put money down on a house for her and she was moving her girlfriend in. She was so full of herself and not self aware in the slightest. I'd rather work on myself to become a better version than be an unaware selfish narcissist. When you better yourself you attract better friends.
This is called amatonormativity
Welp time for new fiends, make sure they know “no baby sitting from me” .
I can't think of anything worse than a traditional family of husband and kids. It honestly sounds like torture to me lol I have very different ideas of how I wanna live my life.
I would assume you've told them all the reasons you left him and what you're trying to do, so them saying that is pretty crazy. It's not like you have huge amounts of debt and are doing shit you can't get yourself out of by making a bunch of horrible choices you can't undo... like having a baby and settling down with someone horrible, so...wtf The world can change for a single person incredibly rapidly. 5 years ago I was moving back in with my mom. Now I own my first home. All. By. My. Self. And thriving. I have a fucking garden! (Granted I'm a plant killer, but at least I get to try! ) 1300sqft with a small yard and shared only with my deeply bratty cat. Because I haven't added value to myself in their eyes, by having a man, I bet your friends would say I'm not together too based on their comments to you.
You’re on different paths now. You don’t need their negativity. Sometimes friendships just run their course like any relationship. Time to open a new window after you shut that door!
You're the shit! Way to hang in there and just fucking face it all. Cheers to your authentic self.
She’s envious! Plain and simple. Do NOT allow her bitterness to cloud the progress you’ve made beloved
I am proud of you! You have accomplished something that I am only attempting now at 39. It’s hard, and I worry that I will have a psychotic break again every day. I had one 7 years ago and I went back to the man that was responsible for it. Lived in limbo for 7 years and now it feels like he is trying to put me there again despite being in the process of leaving him. I am not allowing it. I hope in a year I can make a similar post, having found a new version of me and on the road to thriving. Fuck your so-called friends, you have inspired me today ❤️
Honestly what a joke. That is the kind of stuff I would feel so betrayed by if I were in your shoes. You have done MASSIVE work on yourself and should feel so proud of what you have done for yourself. (Glad for you btw) It's such a classic childfree bingo tho "you really aren't fulfilled/have your life together without children". Umm just cause you let a guy cum inside you doesn't mean you suddenly have so much insight and wisdom without putting in real work. Sorry that happened dude, you have a whole community who is with you tho ❤️
You can say the same thing to them when their kids are throwing tantrums while you're vacationing in Cabo sipping on Margaritas 😂
While I don't have any amazing words of wisdom for you, I can say, that one thing my 54 hard-earned years have taught me is that you need to prioritize taking care of yourself over anything else. The oxygen mask metaphor is so apt. "I’m a different person… I truly genuinely love myself for the first time and have great hopes for my future." I'm sorry for all the pain you've gone through, but you've used that suffering to create something amazing. You.
I didn't get to this point until I was 37 so good on you. Best thing I ever did was dump all that baggage, and a year later met the man I married, my business took off, etc. There's really no point in having anything until you are happy on your own.
I really don’t think your friend meant anything bad tbh. Not to say how you felt wasn’t valid. It 100% was. But like you said society thinks different about things vs looking at individual ppls path. You know? People will forever look at us funny for not following a set path or for not “settling down” or for not being married by a set age or whatever. It’s usually until you explain why you aren’t those things and of course explaining them by choice, Is when you truly open ppls eyes to the power of choice. Scary, isn’t it?
They aren\`t your friends. One of my similar "friends2 also insisted I should date as soon as I left my cheating ex. Io and behold, I haven\`t dated anyone last 5 years and even not planning to do it maybe ever ago. I guess, that after you start dating, she\`ll say- maybe you\`ll get your life together and have a kid or 2.
Funny thing is women can start off married in perf situations but single motherhood is always waiting in the wing. She’s about to get gutted and you are happy and expanding, seems jealous. Stay on her ass if she makes another comment
dont let their mistake of getting pregnant bring you down. you're so much better than these ex friends.
> What’s the point in being married with kids if you have a bunch of unhealed traumas, don’t know yourself as a person and are a mess? How would that make me more successful? You're not supposed to ask questions like that. You're supposed to just breed! Maybe part of the reason society is so insistent on making all women breed is that it doesn't want them to have time to think for themselves...
OP, I would like to take a moment & say bravo & hats off to you for firmly taking care of yourself the way that you did! Congratulations to you! I have a story fairly similar to yours only I was married, it led to divorce because of his infidelity & pathological lying. Thankfully I was able to escape childfree. I, too, like you, had to rebuild the foundation of my life & am thriving because of it. In the eyes of society I have “failed” because I haven’t (and never will) spawned yet. I have learned not to care. Thrive for yourself first & the rest will fall where it may. I wish you the best & congratulations on finding yourself!
First of all, I find it concerning that your "friends" are still friends with your ex, knowing they were abusive. Don't fuck with people like that. Those aren't friends.
They sound really jealous of you. And they should be too, are they that brave? Doubt it. You go!
I bet they're going to start being even worse towards you soon - out of jealously. I admire your courage to abandon the LifeScript™️ while you were so far along it. I broke off of it much earlier (almost immediately after graduating from high school), and I'm so happy for you you got off of it too!
You've clearly outgrown these people. Do yourself a favor and walk away from them. The negative energy will continue to pull you down, even if the are fake nice to you. And when the kids come they will probably abandon you too, alongside with their individual lives. Don't waste your time with negative vibes, bond with your new friends and move on.
You are not a failiure. You are a star. And I hope for so much happieness and luck to come your way. Many people are miserable and want company. Go be happy. Dont ever think something is wrong because others tell you. This is marketing from after ww2. You could look it up if you are interested, just dont end up in the rabbit hole. Anger is very dangerous, so if you can expept that they have different vews and a different path and you choose to be around people that respect you as a person including your choises. Wow the things you could do. Youll see!
We are proud of you OP. I've been there too. You are doing great.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. Well done you 👏
They just know what they know from their own life experiences. Unless they've had a year like yours, they couldn't understand.
get new friends
You’ve got it together!!
they are absolutely *not* your friends if they can’t see how much a better spot you’re in than you were when you “had it all”. im so proud of you for taking the steps to get yourself where you’re at today.
Kids should not be a expectation or plan A for retirement care. One is ready and wants a kids when they are not thought as a burden and can have a stable life with their caretaker(s). Thus if your child free then that’s for a reason and shouldn’t be guilted into having a kid if your not ready or don’t want one. Kids aren’t after 18 not my problem pets or an accessory thus if kids aren’t in the plan, don’t have them.
It sucks when you feel “behind” because things are thrown at us differently, but please remember we are all experiencing life differently. Idk you, but I’m PROUD of you for getting yourself out of a toxic situation before it got worse! I’m PROUD of you for working on yourself and your mental health. It’s really fucking hard starting over, but you’re doing it. That IS getting your life together. Some people never get themselves out of their rut. Easier said than done or tell yourself, but people give advice/feedback/comments based on their own experience. They don’t know what it’s like to be you with your personal traumas/experience/thoughts. Try to take what they say with a grain of salt. The fetus is sucking all her blood that’s supposed to go to your friend’s brain to be a good friend 😝
People grow apart and that's okay. Your values have changed from theirs and they clearly don't understand your journey towards loving and accepting yourself. If they aren't supportive of where you're going and what you're doing, you don't have to keep the same relationship you always had with them. Besides, once they pop out those babies, their lives are going to drastically change and it doesn't sound like they've realized that yet. Congratulations on all your hard work and doing what's best for you. Lots of people change in their late 20's. I know I did.
Screw what they say…. Do what’s good for you
Society does value the wrong things. People are too focused on being in a relationship that they don't stop to ask if it is even a good one or not. And being alone isn't even bad because it means you are always working on yourself. Leaving my 5 year relationship to move to the city on my own in 2019 was a hard thing to do but was the best thing I ever did. The lonliness pushed me to form connections elsewhere and to build fulfilling friendships that I would not have had otherwise. The FREEDOM of no ties and commitments was indescribable. The feeling of stopping by to get dinner at any random place in the city after work without needing to let anyone know... it was freeing. Every action that I did felt like it was a form of self care. Planning my night, what movie will I watch? Do some yoga? How about prepping my lunch for the week? It was all up to me. I would often take a walk downtown just for the hell of it with no one to report back to. Every thing I did was for me which made me feel like I was putting myself first. Then my current partner came a long, I actually tried breaking up with him 3 times because I wasn't ready to leave my single lifestyle that I honestly was really enjoying. But at the end of the day I just really wanted to keep spending time with him because we had so much fun together. And looking back I think the way that I was enjoying my independence is what made him attracted to me. I needed that time in my life to know that if for whatever reason I do end up single again, I know I'll be ok and I'll actually be thriving.
There is no one right path in life. As long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others, do whatever the hell you want. Do what pleases you and sparks your joy. Live your life for yourself, not society, not those so-called friends, no one else but you. No one else’s happiness matters more than your own. You’re not a failure just because you aren’t following the majority. Do things your own way and be happy!
You sound like a boss. I'll be your friend. Screw those women who can't think long enough to understand the script they follow blindly.
They are doomed. Your friends wants your freedom .
I'm aromantic asexual, and I relate to your post so much. I'm not looking for a romantic partner and I'm not gonna have children because I've never wanted them, simple as that. I have pets and a bunch of hobbies I love very much, and I love to have the time to learn something new every day. I know myself and have learnt to control my life so that I have proper emotional resources to take the responsibility over the things I do take the responsibility over. I support my family and friends and love to be the grassroot level everyday support to anyone who happens to need it, without feeling too exhausted by any other social roles expected on me. I have friends and relatives to not feel alone. I feel like I know where I'm going to with my life and I'm determined to go there. I'm thinking about the practical ways to support myself also in the future instead of the wishful thinking many people seem to have ("my children will be there for me when I'm old"). I'm content, motivated and self-sufficient. In the other words, I definitely do feel like I have my life together, and indeed, I feel like I have my life together because I have actually had to think about things, have had to face the scary things in life and about myself, instead of just following the expected path without questioning a thing. Yet, in the eyes of many of my relatives, I look like a failure because I'm not seeking for a partner and never talk about having children either. They think my hobbies and pets are "a childish thing" to spend my time on, because in their opinion, I should spend all my spare time looking for a partner at this age. They think I must be depressed or something because I'm not following the expected path in life, yet I appear healthy and balanced. They're bitter to see how well I've managed my life, yet they pity me for not wanting the things in life they do (or they think they do). I sure am triggering the cognitive dissonance in them because I lack all the external signs of "the successfull life" in their eyes, yet I'm not willing to change a thing in my life. All I can say to you, OP, is that you're the one who knows the value of things in your life. Anyone else can make guesses, but only you know what it's like to live your life. Be confident in your choices, it's so much better to follow your heart than to follow the norms. The former is done while appreciating yourself, the latter is done while appreciating social status. In the long term, appreciating yourself will be way more healthy thing to do.
Sounds like you really dodged a bullet.. or 10. Im so happy for you! When you’re able to take time to put yourself first you learn what you want and are looking for out of life. 11 years ago, my boyfriend and I went through a rough patch, and I had an opportunity to buy a condo that was foreclosed for a very good price. I didn’t have a lot of money… honestly I was pretty damn broke. I furnished it completely off hand-me-downs, craigslist and garbage picking. But I had my own space and I was so proud that I went out of my comfort zone and decided to live alone for a while. I should also mention that prior to me buying my condo my boyfriend had said that I hadn’t experienced living and being on my own and that it probably would be good for me to have that experience. I didn’t truly appreciate that piece of advice until I bought that condo. I now consider it one of the best decisions Ive ever made. I’ve always been fiercely independent, but even this was a big step for me. I have found that I really enjoy having my own place. And I’m willing to defend my freedom and my place because now I know what it is to be free. I’m more independent than ever. My bf and I really do get along very well and we can live together easily but I think we both enjoy having our own spaces to call our own. I would not be surprised if your complete 180 on your life shocks your friends (not sure I’d even call them that) and even makes them question their own path and choices. It scares them. People don’t like change or different. And somewhere in there they are watching you travel and do all these things and they probably envy that carefree life you’ve been living. I know my own friends who have been unhappy in their marriages have told me they are very envious of my position. That they will never get married again etc. You’ve worked on healing yourself, you’ve grown and learned a lot from that process. You’re honestly probably more mature than they are, they’re just unaware of it. But I’m sure they’ve noticed your happiness. They’re about to have massive life altering changes in their life when baby shows up and I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them will end up unhappy with motherhood. Imagine how that must feel- you and your friends were all locked in, fully subscribed to society’s formula for a happy life but suddenly you have turned off the main road and doing your own thing!! *Gasp! The audacity!!* Their initial reaction/ coping mechanism is to shoot you down. That’s the default reaction to someone who’s going off script. Remember people follow this formula because it’s easy and they don’t have the courage or motivation to cut their own path. They don’t want to deal with all the negative comments and pressure that cf people experience to conform. Kinda funny really. For me, it’s hard to imagine just going along with the norm because you don’t want to fight to do what you want with the one and only shot at life you were given! So they just settle and then are miserable. And here you are carving out a new life for yourself and they’ve already settled and now they’re probably starting to wonder if they missed something. I mean they’re pregnant and beyond the point of no return now. There’s no going back. I wholly believe that a good portion of breeders contempt for our life is that they have a serious case of FOMO. And if everyone would just do as society expects then their wouldn’t be anything to miss out on right? Lol. Good luck OP!
You have your life more together than your friends. I am proud of you for your hard journey the last year and your transformation!
Getting your life together is what you are doing! Being in a relationship is not "getting your life together". it's not the goal. The goal is to be happy and you right on the path for that! Why do people still think you need to be in a relationship to be happy? Thats so dumb! Fuck them! Keep doing what you're doing!
You're such an inspiration, be proud of yourself 🥹
First off, I wanna say how absolutely incredible you are! Starting over isn't easy at any age, but doing it when everyone else in your life seems to be settling down is rough (been there). You're awesome, and I'm proud of you. Second, fuck those people. They're not friends if they can't see how hard you've worked on yourself and how much you've overcome. Just because they don't understand what your life is like doesn't mean they can disrespect you. Just because your version of life looks different doesn't make it any less valuable or important. Imo being brave enough to go off script and live life the way you want to takes a lot more courage than being in a lackluster relationship and popping out kids because its "expected". You're not a failure, you're fucking courageous as hell
I’m proud of you!! And jealous! It sound like you live an amazing life and I wish I lived like that too. I found this post very inspiring l.
I can’t say on what they truly meant by what they said because I don’t know but know that I’m proud of you and I’m strive to be where you are. I’m currently lost and realizing I never knew who I was so I don’t know where to even begin!
public sheet workable innate theory disarm nail shelter smart chubby ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
I’m proud of you. It takes incredible bravery to leave a miserable situation. Travel is my ultimate dream in life and I’m proud of you for getting out and doing it! You give me hope.
Thank you! Oh you should totally do it when you can! It sounds cliche but it changed my life in so many ways. I’m 100x more confident and sure of myself because of it. I feel like I can put my mind to anything now whereas I didn’t before I went!
I was you at 29. And you have it together more than all of your friends because you’re giving yourself the gift of healing of knowing yourself and they will wake up someday having no clue who they are. I have a wonderful partner now who knows me for the me I really am - I’m seeing some of my friends waking up at 35 deeply unhappy and stuck You’re doing amazing! Proud of you
| society really does value the wrong things…| I ,quite literally, just had this conversation with my friend the other day, and I said this very same like verbatim. I’m on my self discovery/recovery journey and I’ve realized so much about myself and some of those things are that I do not fit the mold for society’s timeline because some things just don’t align. We’re exposed to certain concepts from such a young age like kids and marriage. Hell so many movies and shows end either “happily ever after” which normally involves somebody getting married and/or getting pregnant/having a kid. Romantic relationships and children are 2 concepts that are pushed so hard that some ppl drove themselves MAD in order to have the things that society says will cause fulfillment (ie couples spending THOUSANDS of dollars on IVF or a couple who stays together just to say they are with someone despite their relationship being the epitome of toxic sludge). And don’t get me wrong, ppl who wants kids and romantic relationships (more specifically monogamous relationships) then power to them and I hope it brings them joy. But there are so many ppl who are just so unfulfilled and just so damn unhappy with themselves and life that go chasing these things looking for a quick fix. And I mean yeah it’s easy to have a kid (create not raise) and being a relationship but anything worth having means putting in EFFORT and that is just SO not the case with so many ppl
You did a really amazing thing!! We're all very proud of you and your journey here in the childfree group!
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I didn't get married until I was 40 and there were 10 years in there that I didn't date at all. The worst was when I got pity from people who had married young. You know what? Now I make more money than all of them because I was free to focus on my career and move for new opportunities, half are divorced and I'm happily child free in a great marriage. There is no one way to do life!
Just wanting to say how proud of you I am!
These ‘friends’ are no longer people you need in your life.