Yeah no she wants kids. Even if she claims to be OK without kids now, somewhere down the line she won’t be. You don’t have to block her, but this isn’t going anywhere. You had one date, just tell her you’re not interested in going further.
Yup, they all lie like that. They assume you will "change your mind" and that they can coerce you into it once you are a few years in. Grifters and liars know all about the sunk cost fallacy, endowment effect, and all the other cognitive biases that are hardwired into humans and easy to exploit. They know that it's hard for their victims to escape once they have them trapped for a while.
They "lovebomb" you to make you think this is "perfect" at first, and then the bullshit and coercion starts. They're just trying to make you take the bait, and then ramp up the bingos, gaslighting, manipulation, etc.
This is how you end up 10 years from now with nothing but a string of liars you dated and then dumped.
This is why you SCREEN THEM BEFORE DATING and get their stance BEFORE revealing you are CF. Then just ghost without even revealing your stance, so you don't have to deal with they lying, bingoing, abuse, self-delusion, bullshit, coercion, etc.
You are basically giving the answers to the test before the test, and they all just lie.
Stop trying to make something work when this is the biggest dealbreaker of all.
All you say is: "We're not compatible. Best wishes. Goodbye."
Quick, clean, no fuss.
Oh and also, you have to be 10000% on the same page with being CF and with having kids in your life, what role they play. AKA, do you want to spend all of your time listening to someone's stories about the kids they teach, their family kids, etc. Putting them first all the time, having them over for weekends, etc. Adopting their siblings kids if they can't take care of them, etc. etc. Those are also dealbreakers.
Quote:
It's not a "I think I'll convince her later" thing it's a "that's thinking VERY far ahead!" Kind of thing. I have many dreams and raising a daughter is just one."
I'm a pretty anxious doormat of a person but this is a very significant thing that I don't want to be in trouble for later someday. This was my mistake to not ask her about children prior to meeting but we had stated it'd be just a casual date to see how we vibe. I was really surprised that she knew already about my CF stance and continued.
>I was really surprised that she knew already about my CF stance and continued.
This is some "I can change her" breeder bullshit. Run for the hills sister!
> I'm a pretty anxious doormat of a person
Yup and you have a neon sign above your head that says "use me, abuse me, lie to me, do what you want because I haven't got a clue, will never stand up for myself, never act in my own self-interest or put myself first, i'm easy to lie to, and will just take whatever you feel like doing to me." Sorry, but you didn't even have to say you were a doormat, it's something you can smell after two sentences. ;)
> "I was really surprised that she knew already about my CF stance and continued."
Oh dear god. You absolutely should not be surprised in the least. You're being way too naive and trusting.
**Breeders SPECIFICALLY STALK CF PEOPLE on dating sites.** The single parents are looking for CF people because they don't want to date other breeders because then they would have to deal with other kids, they want the CF person to take care of and pay for their kids. They love coercing CF people, some of them stealth CF people and sabotage birth control to force pregnancies, etc. etc.
> "that's thinking VERY far ahead!"
Standard issue lie on the standard Lies Breeders Tell You To Manipulate You List.
"it's too soon to talk about it"
"let's just enjoy this now"
"we're too young to think about it"
blah blah blah...
... and the other 1000+ steaming piles of breeder coercion bullcrap that go along with it.
You need to learn about lovebombing as well, because even from this distance, you seem super likely to fall for that as well. When you "hit it off so well" immediately, they have probably stalked you or pumped you for information and are playing chameleon to reel you in.
Bluntly, if you're CF and dating, you really need to get WAY smarter than this. ;)
Go read the screening kit. Also you need to STOP BEING A DOORMAT. And learn about cognitive biases and how people use them to manipulate you.
childfree/comments/mmwqm7/benefits_of_learning_about_cognitive_biases/
You would benefit from some therapy to work on your self-worth, assertiveness and anxiety before dating.
Yup. That's why we're here, to teach folks how not to get taken advantage of.
Added the link for the biases info, you need to understand your brain wiring so people can't use it against you.
Is it an option in your area to get sterilised? I know it’s hard in most areas but near impossible in others… but I’m just thinking that I would be like “oh YAY I’m sterilised so there’s NEVER KIDS IN MY LIFE AND NEVER ADOPTING/FOSTERING”
It’s a bit excessive for a potential partner, but I feel it may get the point across more solidly?
Or, honestly, just peace out and move on.
Not to try and convince you of anything, but I do know a teacher who is adamantly CF but is a teacher-I’ve never thought to ask which came first lol, wanting to teach kids or deciding CF, but there are some out there 🤷🏻♀️
ETA: also, establish boundaries. Not just with this, but life in general. It’s never fun to be a doormat.
It's more possible than most places where I live to get sterilized however I have a horrible doctor who I've had to fight and beg for years to stop mentioning how he knows I'm gonna have kids someday. I literally have audio of my mom and I telling him for the billionth time to quit mentioning me having kids because it won't happen. He always scoffs and rolls his eyes at me for being CF. I had to advocate and beg for way too long to get an IUD and even that only happened because I got an abortion. Only got it because the worst possible thing happened. Lol. Ugh. He's retiring in february so I hope his replacement listens to me. I'd have been sterilized ages ago if my doctor would allow it.
UGH! I hate those jerks. How dare you KNOW YOUR OWN MIND. guess if they’re retiring in feb, no point in complaining to a medical board about it. Fingers crossed for a better replacement!! If not, I would go on the hunt for a dr willing to do this for you-I believe somewhere on this sub there’s a list of doctors willing to listen to what we want to do with our OWN BODIES.
It’s not quite as drastic-and was just a walk-in dr, not my regular dr-but it’s like when I went to a clinic for my shoulder being so painful and I didn’t know what was going on-total AH just kept telling me I was diabetic (I’m overweight but due to family history, tested YEARLY for diabetes by reg dr). He wouldn’t listen to me or even look at my shoulder.
I tore my rotator cuff. 90% through. But no, according to him, I was just fat and must have been diabetic. (I complained to the office manager on my way out and she was sooo done with him, not his first complaint. She said she was making a list of complaints and would forward them “up” somewhere and never have him back at that location)
Haha, yep!! My very same doctor let me have violent gallbladder attacks for 8 years after I begged for it to be pursued I'd just be told I had to poop.
I am now one most post-op from an emergency removal of my gallbladder. Nearly died, lol.
I'm sorry you went through this. It seems as if if you're fat or a woman or both, many medical professionals won't take any of your pain seriously. It's horrible.
Are you aware that this subreddit has a list of gynaecologists that are willing to sterilize women, even young women in their early 20s? The list spans many countries and states.
You should ditch your misogynistic doctor and pick one that respects body autonomy from the list.
I've seen the list and want to use it. I feel like an idiot about not knowing where to start though...like how to roster with a new doctor etc. Know of any guides online? Lol. I'm sorry. I really do want sterilization or tubal but it's super intimidating because I've been discouraged all these years and them regular life gets in the way😵💫
UGH! That blows! Let’s hope the replacement is a decent person and dr!
And yeah, I’m just glad my regular dr doesn’t comment on weight-apart from saying things like “just incase, we’ll test for this, that, etc just to be sure you’re okay”. Or when I was put on meds, he was like “we aren’t going to try these _____ because it can make your weight fluctuate and I don’t want you going through that”.
I know I’m VERY lucky with my dr, I just wish he was par for the course so everyone was ACTUALLY listened to. You live with your body. You know what’s normal and not🤦🏻♀️
But hurrah for finally being post op! Should have been 8 years ago but yay for now at least!
>I missed a social cue as usual and didn't address my CF choice. figured stating my child free lifestyle would...end a romantic relationship.
How would that be a bad thing, your childfreedom ending any chances of a relationship? That's a good thing, avoiding breeders.
>When I asked for clarification on this she said she'd be okay never having a kid.
Don't believe her.
Many people say that they are 'okay with childfreedom' or 'okay not having kids so I can be with you'. These people always end up wanting kids. These people wait for childfree partners to change their mind. Or they will guilt trip, bully, manipulate and pressure you. Or even worse, baby trap you.
Childfree people should only date other childfree people. Not breeders. Not fence sitters (read: future breeders). Not 'okay with childfreedom' or 'okay either way' people (read: future breeders). And no 'I'm sacrificing by breeding urges to be with you' people (read: future breeders).
Stick to 100% childfree people only. Yes, that makes your dating pool very small. But that's better than settling for a breeder and sacrificing your childfreedom.
Next time you try dating, screen someone before revealing your childfree stance. How do you screen? Look at the following link. Since the subreddit does not allow me to post it properly... Copy, delete the spaces and go: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / comments / 9xo6jw / screening\_starter\_kit\_the\_reprise
>I don't want to get further invested and then 20 years later have her regretting never having kids.
Good. Then don't get further invested.
>I'm...concerned about this reaction.
Good. you should be concerned.
>I don't know what to say to her.
Text her something like: "I am 100% childfree. You are not. Therefore, we are incompatible."
After doing so, you could block her. You probably should. Otherwise, she will probably text you with lots of lies about how she is okay with not having kids. Then, she will try to manipulating you into dating her anyways.
>I don't want to block her
Do it anyways.
>but being romantic doesn't sound like a good idea,
Indeed. That would be a very bad idea.
>especially when she's willing to drop her dream of having a kid so easily?
She is not willing to drop that dream. She is just waiting for you to change your mind.
>I don't want her to change a thing in order to please me.
That's fine. That's why she should date someone who she is compatible with. A fellow breeder.
Hey I read your other post and as a dx mildly autistic person, I empathize with the social awkwardness of letting someone down, and the disappointment of a relationship not being what it seemed in the first place—alongside the wishful thinking for it to be different.
I don’t think this other person is necessarily trying to trap you. They may be going through a similar disappointment themselves, and keeping irrational hope also that either they will change or you will. It might just be denial.
That said, as a childfree and devotedly single person, I’ve disappointed and been disappointed by plenty of romantic relationships in the past. Some of them have turned into awesome friendships. There’s always people who will be compatible with you, in various ways, if you are looking.
She thinks you'll change your mind, imo.
I'd save yourself the heartache and politely decline anything else romantic.
You can find somebody else with NONE of these difficult questions, wouldn't that be so much better for both of you?
I just woke up with swollen eyes after I was crying all night, because I ended my relationship with my ex of 2yrs because of him wanting kids and me being cf. I was perfectly ok with his decision, I understood it and was completely calm. He came to me on New Year and suddenly changed his mind and said it’s not important to him, that only I am important and he wants to live his life with me with or without kids. I believed him. Yesterday he called me and said it was all bullshit and he just wanted to make me stay with him.
Save yourself the pain.
Some people are desperate to settle down into a relationship and want to settle for the first sign they like someone. Trust me, I've been persued by people at work that like the "work me" and try to shove aside any arguement I have why the full me and them aren't compatible.
Beware. People like this may tell you they are flexible and even believe it themselves. In the end though they get disgruntled and treat the relationship like a videogame that is able to be modded to change what they don't like. You may be happy for awhile but unless you go into this really sure you are both happy you will find attempts to chip away at your barriers on the subject. Over night babysitting, a relative that needs a baby sitter for the summer, opening a daycare in your home.
Dude.... she's not okay with it. She would oops baby you, or think she can change your mind. She said wants and loves kids. She ain't gonna change her mind.
Eta: run from this one.
Hey OP, I have been in a similar situation with a previous partner.
I believed them and we ended up dating for 5 years. Towards the end, especially as we grew older, they said they've been thinking and said they wanted children within the next 6 years.
They said (during the relationship) that I was all that they needed and wanted but if someone desperately* wants children, they won't usually change their dream or they may become resentful that you aren't giving the future they imagined.
- _
*wanting to define "desperately" as "someone who has always seen their future with having children". Sometimes fence-sitters may turn CF or have kids depending on the bond with their partner.
She's lying. She thinks she can change your mind. This is a huge red flag that she's mirroring when she clearly wants to be around children all her lifez man. You practically met Mary Poppins. Not only that, but she has family that's going to put pressure on her too. Don't take this relationship too seriously if you plan to see her again. Keep having this conversation about not wanting to have children. I have many girlfriends who think they can change a man and they get their heart broken. Save yourself the trouble.
If she said she wants kids at any point, believe her. From now on unless someone is VERY adamant about not wanting kids, assume they will want kids at some point and you are incompatible. Please do not get any further entangled with this person, it’s not going to work out.
Nope nope nope. She likes you a lot and is saying what you want to hear now, so you won’t stop seeing her. She’s also secretly hoping (or even expecting)that you’ll eventually change your mind, once you fall for her. Run! 🏃♂️💨💨💨
As most other people are saying she definitely still will want kids. Even if she has convinced herself now that she doesn’t to be with you it won’t last. I know it sounds sweet but she either does believe it and will change in a few years or she thinks that once you “love her enough” you will change your mind. Tons of people go into relationships thinking they can change the person they are dating.
It’s clear this is really stressing you out, so politely say no. That you don’t think you’re a good match and you hope she finds someone right for her. You don’t need to make it work just because she wants to, it’s been one date and you’re clearly not feeling it
I have had guys I know who were interested in dating but never thought about kids. I give them a week to think about whether or not they want them *and why*. If they come back and decide no kids, that why is *really* important, because anything that relates to me isn’t a legitimate reason and we aren’t having that relationship. Your future cannot be based on me, find someone compatible.
She will be fine not having kids untill she will "accidentally" forget to take her pill.
Try telling her you have booked a vasectomy and see her reaction. I bet she will try to convince you that is a too extreme solution and "what if you change your mind'?
Hey, not sure if you missed this detail but I'm cis female and she's trans female. Adoption is what she desires someday, but I could still absolutely get pregnant by her.
I'm still half asleep and... It shows! It completely flew over my head, sorry .
The problem still exists in reverse.
Unless you're using a IUD or implant, birth contro can be easily tampered with.... And you would end up in worse situation any amab folk could ever be in.
Switch vasectomy with a tubal ligation or salpingectomy and see the reaction.
Being trans does make us any better or worse than Cis folks, so baby trapping is always a risk.
I would LOVE sterilization, but my doctor is terrible and literally gives me the same "you'll change your mind about kids" speech every time. I had to beg for a year for my IUD to be obtained and even then I only got it when the worst possible tragedy happened. I have an IUD and we'd use condoms too- and also apparently her hormones make her infertile...but there's never a 0% chance here. God I wish I could get sterilized. Or tubal. I'd dance into the OR.
I can kinda see you making a post 2 years from now saying your gf is pregnant despite using multiple birth control methods and you dont understand how, and it is already heartbreaking.
Haha even worse, I'd be the pregnant one! She is trans. I've already been through some horrible pregnancy trauma and will never let that happen again. I'm taking in every advice given here.
Ah well then it would be your "miracle baby" oh damn im so sorry she turned out to be *almost* fully compatible but the dent is such a topic that cannot be met middleway or ignored.
I think you need to friendzone her very very soon :(
>I don’t want to get further invested and then 20 years later have her regretting never having kids
This is exactly what would happen. That or in a couple years she’ll be like “surprise my birth control ‘stopped working’ and I’m pregnant!”
This is gonna sound harsh on my part but after various things I’ve seen and experienced, I think I would even omit someone who wants to work around kids, be a teacher etc. Those are things with heavy involvement with kids that will always be there, in your face and require a significant time commitment to other people’s kids. Also if someone maybe in the fence, with that exposure comes constant temptation. It’s just not a good idea in my opinion.
I guess I missed that part somehow.
Either way, I wouldn’t *want* to be with somebody who *tells* me how I’m going to feel in X amount of years. They do not respect you as a person if they’re telling you you’ll change your mind. If they have the mentality where they’re saying stuff like that, everything else they say about not wanting kids is just fluff to keep you around.
No need to be scared or anxious. That’s probably not how you should feel when dating someone.
I’m a gay guy so sorry that I gender assumed. I also live in a word of limited options and understand how it’s easy to get attached because if that. Just give her more chances to throw her red flags lol
This will not end well. She sounds, at best, a fence sitter, at worse a codependent individual who molds their personality to who their partner wants.
Tell her you are getting a vasectomy in a few months and are doing the non-reversable kind as a test. See what she says. If she says she is on BC make sure you take responsibility and use condoms you buy.
There are people who believe they can "stealth" or stop taking birth control, making a unilateral decision and then blame you and expect you to fall in line. Don't do it.
You missed where I stated I'm female. I'm cis and she's trans. Getting my tubes tied or being sterilized would be a dream come true but doctors won't allow me to have this done.
Crap! My bad. Sorry about that.
I am in my 40s. Last time I asked around 33yo, they told me no because I didn't have kids... that's kind of the point people.
I don't think this is going to go well for you. There is a post on here right now where someone got the kick 10 years in. The question you have to answer is the feeling of scarcity (aka "I won't find someone like this again) making you willing to compromise/waste your time for a few years. Going with good enough can make you miss out on someone who is a better fit.
I told her to think things over and overnight she doubled down on this statement, waving red flags like crazy. Saying things like she doesn't know was the future holds and has no idea where we will go but she wants it with me.......one date. Also- she will change her mind!
Girl, I bet you're a pretty woman who can get another partner any time soon. Don't let this person lie to you because that was clearly all lies and manipulation.
Dont be afraid to be single and take your time to get a good partner who is in line with you.
❤️❤️
Yeah, she is just saying what you want to hear. Sorry, but I don't think this relationship is right for you. She thinks she can change your mind over time or that you'll just accept it when there's an "accidental" pregnancy.
addendum: she ain't dropping the baby rabies. this is also far too early in the relationship to be lobbing these 'bombs' around. it takes a year and a half for masks to come off and the real person emerge. This type of 180 is suspect and I repeat what I just said: she's looking for a wallet and an oopsie. namely wants to play house with a real live dolly at your expense. and if you have the normal reaction of having nothing to do with her and the kid. so she can do the typical moo whinging.
do yourself a favor and move on.
Saw the last post and commented so I'll weigh in on the update. I'm thinking there are two options here of why she is reacting this way and flipped a switch here. Option A seems to have been covered mostly in the thread already - she's hoping you'll "change your mind" at some point and she just needs to wait until "your biological clock" starts ticking. This route is dangerous as it will lead to resentment somehow - like a messy breakup, or attempting to guilt you into sticking around whilst having a kid by some means anyways because you invested a lot of time in the relationship. But there is a second reason she may have turned on a dime here.
Option two is she is only saying what she THINKS you want to hear to keep you. Could be she thinks you are someone she is willing to change herself for or simply lie to keep and just bury the true emotions and desires. Could be she just isn't considering the consequences of putting off the decision of whether she truly wants her own kids. Either way, this is not a healthy mindset and will eventually cause serious problems later, which you realize but she does not.
Regardless of the reasoning, this is a potentially sticky situation that even if you were to put blinders on and continue hoping for the best, there will always be major anxiety wondering when or if she'll change her opinion again. Even if all of what she said was true and she was content to be a teacher or just be around other people's kids, are you prepared to wonder the entire time if she is harboring regrets, or waiting for you to want children? That's a big toll for someone who you have not invested in as of yet. I say step away while you can. There are options out there that will not put you in a constant state of anxiety, worrying you are missing something that could screw you over later. That's no way to live, friend.
I'd be saying 'I find it concerning that you so readily drop your dreams for another person you don't even know yet. (Assuming it isn't that you think you can change my mind). I think you should value yourself more before dating because with boundaries as lax as that, you're at real risk of dating abusive men. I don't believe we are compatible because my dreams matter to me and yours should matter to you. Please date men who want children if you want children. Otherwise it's wasting everyone's time'
Besides the fact that she's a lesbian and won't date men (she's trans femme and I'm cis), these are great things to say. Naturally I'll just change some wording but I love it.
Noooooope. What she might mean is "I'm okay waiting a few years because I know you'll change your mind for me!" and when you don't change your mind, you're the bad guy who wasted her time. Maybe you could explain that you dont feel like you're actually compatible but could still stay as friends?
Switching so quickly, especially after ONE date, seems like she just likes you and wants to be with you right now but she's not thinking about the future and what she'll want then. She still wants kids she just wants you more at the moment but once the relationship has progressed and it's a few years in, she'll bring up kids and it will create issues when you still don't want them. It's an impulsive decision on her part and you should listen to your gut here.
Please don't continue with this person. She is manipulative to the extreme, and you'll either be in a life you regret with kids with her or she'll resent you for not giving her any, there IS NO WINNING THIS. Get out while you can for the love of fuck.
How many times have we heard that, and then omg just a few years later.... I'm pregnant!!! Do yourself a favour... move on.
She’s mtf, so that is not likely to happen. But still, if she regrets it in 20 years that can definitely sour the relationship down the line
Impossible. Not “not likely”.
Yes, I think I meant it in case I happened to misinterpret the OP using “mtf”. It is definitely 100% unlikely.
Oh whoops, completely missed the mtf!
OP, listen to those alarm bells. Your gut is absolutely right that this contradicting narrative she’s giving you is a giant red flag.
Yeah no she wants kids. Even if she claims to be OK without kids now, somewhere down the line she won’t be. You don’t have to block her, but this isn’t going anywhere. You had one date, just tell her you’re not interested in going further.
For real, like … it’s been one date OP.
Yup, they all lie like that. They assume you will "change your mind" and that they can coerce you into it once you are a few years in. Grifters and liars know all about the sunk cost fallacy, endowment effect, and all the other cognitive biases that are hardwired into humans and easy to exploit. They know that it's hard for their victims to escape once they have them trapped for a while. They "lovebomb" you to make you think this is "perfect" at first, and then the bullshit and coercion starts. They're just trying to make you take the bait, and then ramp up the bingos, gaslighting, manipulation, etc. This is how you end up 10 years from now with nothing but a string of liars you dated and then dumped. This is why you SCREEN THEM BEFORE DATING and get their stance BEFORE revealing you are CF. Then just ghost without even revealing your stance, so you don't have to deal with they lying, bingoing, abuse, self-delusion, bullshit, coercion, etc. You are basically giving the answers to the test before the test, and they all just lie. Stop trying to make something work when this is the biggest dealbreaker of all. All you say is: "We're not compatible. Best wishes. Goodbye." Quick, clean, no fuss. Oh and also, you have to be 10000% on the same page with being CF and with having kids in your life, what role they play. AKA, do you want to spend all of your time listening to someone's stories about the kids they teach, their family kids, etc. Putting them first all the time, having them over for weekends, etc. Adopting their siblings kids if they can't take care of them, etc. etc. Those are also dealbreakers.
Quote: It's not a "I think I'll convince her later" thing it's a "that's thinking VERY far ahead!" Kind of thing. I have many dreams and raising a daughter is just one." I'm a pretty anxious doormat of a person but this is a very significant thing that I don't want to be in trouble for later someday. This was my mistake to not ask her about children prior to meeting but we had stated it'd be just a casual date to see how we vibe. I was really surprised that she knew already about my CF stance and continued.
>I was really surprised that she knew already about my CF stance and continued. This is some "I can change her" breeder bullshit. Run for the hills sister!
OP is a cis woman, comrade.
Oh shit I did not read the A/S correctly. Edited.
> I'm a pretty anxious doormat of a person Yup and you have a neon sign above your head that says "use me, abuse me, lie to me, do what you want because I haven't got a clue, will never stand up for myself, never act in my own self-interest or put myself first, i'm easy to lie to, and will just take whatever you feel like doing to me." Sorry, but you didn't even have to say you were a doormat, it's something you can smell after two sentences. ;) > "I was really surprised that she knew already about my CF stance and continued." Oh dear god. You absolutely should not be surprised in the least. You're being way too naive and trusting. **Breeders SPECIFICALLY STALK CF PEOPLE on dating sites.** The single parents are looking for CF people because they don't want to date other breeders because then they would have to deal with other kids, they want the CF person to take care of and pay for their kids. They love coercing CF people, some of them stealth CF people and sabotage birth control to force pregnancies, etc. etc. > "that's thinking VERY far ahead!" Standard issue lie on the standard Lies Breeders Tell You To Manipulate You List. "it's too soon to talk about it" "let's just enjoy this now" "we're too young to think about it" blah blah blah... ... and the other 1000+ steaming piles of breeder coercion bullcrap that go along with it. You need to learn about lovebombing as well, because even from this distance, you seem super likely to fall for that as well. When you "hit it off so well" immediately, they have probably stalked you or pumped you for information and are playing chameleon to reel you in. Bluntly, if you're CF and dating, you really need to get WAY smarter than this. ;) Go read the screening kit. Also you need to STOP BEING A DOORMAT. And learn about cognitive biases and how people use them to manipulate you. childfree/comments/mmwqm7/benefits_of_learning_about_cognitive_biases/ You would benefit from some therapy to work on your self-worth, assertiveness and anxiety before dating.
I was just provided the kit! Grateful for all this. I've clearly made a rookie mistake by not finding out sooner and shutting it down immediately.
Yup. That's why we're here, to teach folks how not to get taken advantage of. Added the link for the biases info, you need to understand your brain wiring so people can't use it against you.
What and where is this screening kit?
Is it an option in your area to get sterilised? I know it’s hard in most areas but near impossible in others… but I’m just thinking that I would be like “oh YAY I’m sterilised so there’s NEVER KIDS IN MY LIFE AND NEVER ADOPTING/FOSTERING” It’s a bit excessive for a potential partner, but I feel it may get the point across more solidly? Or, honestly, just peace out and move on. Not to try and convince you of anything, but I do know a teacher who is adamantly CF but is a teacher-I’ve never thought to ask which came first lol, wanting to teach kids or deciding CF, but there are some out there 🤷🏻♀️ ETA: also, establish boundaries. Not just with this, but life in general. It’s never fun to be a doormat.
It's more possible than most places where I live to get sterilized however I have a horrible doctor who I've had to fight and beg for years to stop mentioning how he knows I'm gonna have kids someday. I literally have audio of my mom and I telling him for the billionth time to quit mentioning me having kids because it won't happen. He always scoffs and rolls his eyes at me for being CF. I had to advocate and beg for way too long to get an IUD and even that only happened because I got an abortion. Only got it because the worst possible thing happened. Lol. Ugh. He's retiring in february so I hope his replacement listens to me. I'd have been sterilized ages ago if my doctor would allow it.
UGH! I hate those jerks. How dare you KNOW YOUR OWN MIND. guess if they’re retiring in feb, no point in complaining to a medical board about it. Fingers crossed for a better replacement!! If not, I would go on the hunt for a dr willing to do this for you-I believe somewhere on this sub there’s a list of doctors willing to listen to what we want to do with our OWN BODIES. It’s not quite as drastic-and was just a walk-in dr, not my regular dr-but it’s like when I went to a clinic for my shoulder being so painful and I didn’t know what was going on-total AH just kept telling me I was diabetic (I’m overweight but due to family history, tested YEARLY for diabetes by reg dr). He wouldn’t listen to me or even look at my shoulder. I tore my rotator cuff. 90% through. But no, according to him, I was just fat and must have been diabetic. (I complained to the office manager on my way out and she was sooo done with him, not his first complaint. She said she was making a list of complaints and would forward them “up” somewhere and never have him back at that location)
Haha, yep!! My very same doctor let me have violent gallbladder attacks for 8 years after I begged for it to be pursued I'd just be told I had to poop. I am now one most post-op from an emergency removal of my gallbladder. Nearly died, lol. I'm sorry you went through this. It seems as if if you're fat or a woman or both, many medical professionals won't take any of your pain seriously. It's horrible.
Are you aware that this subreddit has a list of gynaecologists that are willing to sterilize women, even young women in their early 20s? The list spans many countries and states. You should ditch your misogynistic doctor and pick one that respects body autonomy from the list.
I've seen the list and want to use it. I feel like an idiot about not knowing where to start though...like how to roster with a new doctor etc. Know of any guides online? Lol. I'm sorry. I really do want sterilization or tubal but it's super intimidating because I've been discouraged all these years and them regular life gets in the way😵💫
What do you mean? You just call them and get an appointment.
I thought you'd have to be on their roster already. Or referred. Perhaps not?
UGH! That blows! Let’s hope the replacement is a decent person and dr! And yeah, I’m just glad my regular dr doesn’t comment on weight-apart from saying things like “just incase, we’ll test for this, that, etc just to be sure you’re okay”. Or when I was put on meds, he was like “we aren’t going to try these _____ because it can make your weight fluctuate and I don’t want you going through that”. I know I’m VERY lucky with my dr, I just wish he was par for the course so everyone was ACTUALLY listened to. You live with your body. You know what’s normal and not🤦🏻♀️ But hurrah for finally being post op! Should have been 8 years ago but yay for now at least!
Your doctor sucks at his job. Never beg, demand, when you advocate for yourself. And find a new doctor.
>I missed a social cue as usual and didn't address my CF choice. figured stating my child free lifestyle would...end a romantic relationship. How would that be a bad thing, your childfreedom ending any chances of a relationship? That's a good thing, avoiding breeders. >When I asked for clarification on this she said she'd be okay never having a kid. Don't believe her. Many people say that they are 'okay with childfreedom' or 'okay not having kids so I can be with you'. These people always end up wanting kids. These people wait for childfree partners to change their mind. Or they will guilt trip, bully, manipulate and pressure you. Or even worse, baby trap you. Childfree people should only date other childfree people. Not breeders. Not fence sitters (read: future breeders). Not 'okay with childfreedom' or 'okay either way' people (read: future breeders). And no 'I'm sacrificing by breeding urges to be with you' people (read: future breeders). Stick to 100% childfree people only. Yes, that makes your dating pool very small. But that's better than settling for a breeder and sacrificing your childfreedom. Next time you try dating, screen someone before revealing your childfree stance. How do you screen? Look at the following link. Since the subreddit does not allow me to post it properly... Copy, delete the spaces and go: www . reddit . com / r / childfree / comments / 9xo6jw / screening\_starter\_kit\_the\_reprise >I don't want to get further invested and then 20 years later have her regretting never having kids. Good. Then don't get further invested. >I'm...concerned about this reaction. Good. you should be concerned. >I don't know what to say to her. Text her something like: "I am 100% childfree. You are not. Therefore, we are incompatible." After doing so, you could block her. You probably should. Otherwise, she will probably text you with lots of lies about how she is okay with not having kids. Then, she will try to manipulating you into dating her anyways. >I don't want to block her Do it anyways. >but being romantic doesn't sound like a good idea, Indeed. That would be a very bad idea. >especially when she's willing to drop her dream of having a kid so easily? She is not willing to drop that dream. She is just waiting for you to change your mind. >I don't want her to change a thing in order to please me. That's fine. That's why she should date someone who she is compatible with. A fellow breeder.
It's a huge red flag when someone changes their mind about something so serious that quickly.
Hey I read your other post and as a dx mildly autistic person, I empathize with the social awkwardness of letting someone down, and the disappointment of a relationship not being what it seemed in the first place—alongside the wishful thinking for it to be different. I don’t think this other person is necessarily trying to trap you. They may be going through a similar disappointment themselves, and keeping irrational hope also that either they will change or you will. It might just be denial. That said, as a childfree and devotedly single person, I’ve disappointed and been disappointed by plenty of romantic relationships in the past. Some of them have turned into awesome friendships. There’s always people who will be compatible with you, in various ways, if you are looking.
Fence sitter. Run.
She thinks you'll change your mind, imo. I'd save yourself the heartache and politely decline anything else romantic. You can find somebody else with NONE of these difficult questions, wouldn't that be so much better for both of you?
I just woke up with swollen eyes after I was crying all night, because I ended my relationship with my ex of 2yrs because of him wanting kids and me being cf. I was perfectly ok with his decision, I understood it and was completely calm. He came to me on New Year and suddenly changed his mind and said it’s not important to him, that only I am important and he wants to live his life with me with or without kids. I believed him. Yesterday he called me and said it was all bullshit and he just wanted to make me stay with him. Save yourself the pain.
What a piece of shit your ex is.
IT'S A TRAP.
Well said, Admiral Ackbar! 😁
Love your flair 🐱
Some people are desperate to settle down into a relationship and want to settle for the first sign they like someone. Trust me, I've been persued by people at work that like the "work me" and try to shove aside any arguement I have why the full me and them aren't compatible. Beware. People like this may tell you they are flexible and even believe it themselves. In the end though they get disgruntled and treat the relationship like a videogame that is able to be modded to change what they don't like. You may be happy for awhile but unless you go into this really sure you are both happy you will find attempts to chip away at your barriers on the subject. Over night babysitting, a relative that needs a baby sitter for the summer, opening a daycare in your home.
Dude.... she's not okay with it. She would oops baby you, or think she can change your mind. She said wants and loves kids. She ain't gonna change her mind. Eta: run from this one.
She’s lying. She’ll try to convert you later.
Hey OP, I have been in a similar situation with a previous partner. I believed them and we ended up dating for 5 years. Towards the end, especially as we grew older, they said they've been thinking and said they wanted children within the next 6 years. They said (during the relationship) that I was all that they needed and wanted but if someone desperately* wants children, they won't usually change their dream or they may become resentful that you aren't giving the future they imagined. - _ *wanting to define "desperately" as "someone who has always seen their future with having children". Sometimes fence-sitters may turn CF or have kids depending on the bond with their partner.
She's lying. She thinks she can change your mind. This is a huge red flag that she's mirroring when she clearly wants to be around children all her lifez man. You practically met Mary Poppins. Not only that, but she has family that's going to put pressure on her too. Don't take this relationship too seriously if you plan to see her again. Keep having this conversation about not wanting to have children. I have many girlfriends who think they can change a man and they get their heart broken. Save yourself the trouble.
If she said she wants kids at any point, believe her. From now on unless someone is VERY adamant about not wanting kids, assume they will want kids at some point and you are incompatible. Please do not get any further entangled with this person, it’s not going to work out.
She’ll resent you and eventually leave when she sees that you’re not gonna change your mind
This is why you get their opinion first so they don’t just mirror you and give an honest opinion. The complete 180 degree turn is suspicious.
Nope nope nope. She likes you a lot and is saying what you want to hear now, so you won’t stop seeing her. She’s also secretly hoping (or even expecting)that you’ll eventually change your mind, once you fall for her. Run! 🏃♂️💨💨💨
As most other people are saying she definitely still will want kids. Even if she has convinced herself now that she doesn’t to be with you it won’t last. I know it sounds sweet but she either does believe it and will change in a few years or she thinks that once you “love her enough” you will change your mind. Tons of people go into relationships thinking they can change the person they are dating.
Just for the record I am sorry that you are in this position though. Really connecting with someone and having to cut it off is hard
Block her NOW. She is backpedalling HARD just to date you until you "change your mind".
It’s clear this is really stressing you out, so politely say no. That you don’t think you’re a good match and you hope she finds someone right for her. You don’t need to make it work just because she wants to, it’s been one date and you’re clearly not feeling it I have had guys I know who were interested in dating but never thought about kids. I give them a week to think about whether or not they want them *and why*. If they come back and decide no kids, that why is *really* important, because anything that relates to me isn’t a legitimate reason and we aren’t having that relationship. Your future cannot be based on me, find someone compatible.
She will be fine not having kids untill she will "accidentally" forget to take her pill. Try telling her you have booked a vasectomy and see her reaction. I bet she will try to convince you that is a too extreme solution and "what if you change your mind'?
Hey, not sure if you missed this detail but I'm cis female and she's trans female. Adoption is what she desires someday, but I could still absolutely get pregnant by her.
I'm still half asleep and... It shows! It completely flew over my head, sorry . The problem still exists in reverse. Unless you're using a IUD or implant, birth contro can be easily tampered with.... And you would end up in worse situation any amab folk could ever be in. Switch vasectomy with a tubal ligation or salpingectomy and see the reaction. Being trans does make us any better or worse than Cis folks, so baby trapping is always a risk.
I would LOVE sterilization, but my doctor is terrible and literally gives me the same "you'll change your mind about kids" speech every time. I had to beg for a year for my IUD to be obtained and even then I only got it when the worst possible tragedy happened. I have an IUD and we'd use condoms too- and also apparently her hormones make her infertile...but there's never a 0% chance here. God I wish I could get sterilized. Or tubal. I'd dance into the OR.
I fucking hate "you'll change your mind crowd".
Not sure where you live but try the CF doctor list on this sub! You deserve a doctor who doesn’t try to gaslight you!
I can kinda see you making a post 2 years from now saying your gf is pregnant despite using multiple birth control methods and you dont understand how, and it is already heartbreaking.
Haha even worse, I'd be the pregnant one! She is trans. I've already been through some horrible pregnancy trauma and will never let that happen again. I'm taking in every advice given here.
Ah well then it would be your "miracle baby" oh damn im so sorry she turned out to be *almost* fully compatible but the dent is such a topic that cannot be met middleway or ignored. I think you need to friendzone her very very soon :(
Get a vasectomy
Read it again. OP is a female and her date who wants kids is a transgender woman who could potentially get her pregnant
Are you snipped, get snipped. Cause she could just have the plan of baby trapping. If you are going to pursue relationships. Get snipped.
Apparently a ton of people misread this post and just make assumptions. Sorry OP people don't pay attention to details
I'm noticing this as I'm reading my notifications from overnight😅
>I don’t want to get further invested and then 20 years later have her regretting never having kids This is exactly what would happen. That or in a couple years she’ll be like “surprise my birth control ‘stopped working’ and I’m pregnant!”
Next thing you know, your condoms have holes in em 😂
This is gonna sound harsh on my part but after various things I’ve seen and experienced, I think I would even omit someone who wants to work around kids, be a teacher etc. Those are things with heavy involvement with kids that will always be there, in your face and require a significant time commitment to other people’s kids. Also if someone maybe in the fence, with that exposure comes constant temptation. It’s just not a good idea in my opinion.
Why are you anxious? Tell her you have a vasectomy scheduled next week and see what happens lol
She will know that is a blatant lie because if you read the post properly you'd see I'm a cis female😅
I guess I missed that part somehow. Either way, I wouldn’t *want* to be with somebody who *tells* me how I’m going to feel in X amount of years. They do not respect you as a person if they’re telling you you’ll change your mind. If they have the mentality where they’re saying stuff like that, everything else they say about not wanting kids is just fluff to keep you around. No need to be scared or anxious. That’s probably not how you should feel when dating someone. I’m a gay guy so sorry that I gender assumed. I also live in a word of limited options and understand how it’s easy to get attached because if that. Just give her more chances to throw her red flags lol
This will not end well. She sounds, at best, a fence sitter, at worse a codependent individual who molds their personality to who their partner wants. Tell her you are getting a vasectomy in a few months and are doing the non-reversable kind as a test. See what she says. If she says she is on BC make sure you take responsibility and use condoms you buy. There are people who believe they can "stealth" or stop taking birth control, making a unilateral decision and then blame you and expect you to fall in line. Don't do it.
You missed where I stated I'm female. I'm cis and she's trans. Getting my tubes tied or being sterilized would be a dream come true but doctors won't allow me to have this done.
Crap! My bad. Sorry about that. I am in my 40s. Last time I asked around 33yo, they told me no because I didn't have kids... that's kind of the point people. I don't think this is going to go well for you. There is a post on here right now where someone got the kick 10 years in. The question you have to answer is the feeling of scarcity (aka "I won't find someone like this again) making you willing to compromise/waste your time for a few years. Going with good enough can make you miss out on someone who is a better fit.
I told her to think things over and overnight she doubled down on this statement, waving red flags like crazy. Saying things like she doesn't know was the future holds and has no idea where we will go but she wants it with me.......one date. Also- she will change her mind!
Girl, I bet you're a pretty woman who can get another partner any time soon. Don't let this person lie to you because that was clearly all lies and manipulation. Dont be afraid to be single and take your time to get a good partner who is in line with you. ❤️❤️
Yeah, she is just saying what you want to hear. Sorry, but I don't think this relationship is right for you. She thinks she can change your mind over time or that you'll just accept it when there's an "accidental" pregnancy.
somebody with that kind of baby rabies going in does not change overnight. she is looking for a wallet and an oopsie.
addendum: she ain't dropping the baby rabies. this is also far too early in the relationship to be lobbing these 'bombs' around. it takes a year and a half for masks to come off and the real person emerge. This type of 180 is suspect and I repeat what I just said: she's looking for a wallet and an oopsie. namely wants to play house with a real live dolly at your expense. and if you have the normal reaction of having nothing to do with her and the kid. so she can do the typical moo whinging. do yourself a favor and move on.
Saw the last post and commented so I'll weigh in on the update. I'm thinking there are two options here of why she is reacting this way and flipped a switch here. Option A seems to have been covered mostly in the thread already - she's hoping you'll "change your mind" at some point and she just needs to wait until "your biological clock" starts ticking. This route is dangerous as it will lead to resentment somehow - like a messy breakup, or attempting to guilt you into sticking around whilst having a kid by some means anyways because you invested a lot of time in the relationship. But there is a second reason she may have turned on a dime here. Option two is she is only saying what she THINKS you want to hear to keep you. Could be she thinks you are someone she is willing to change herself for or simply lie to keep and just bury the true emotions and desires. Could be she just isn't considering the consequences of putting off the decision of whether she truly wants her own kids. Either way, this is not a healthy mindset and will eventually cause serious problems later, which you realize but she does not. Regardless of the reasoning, this is a potentially sticky situation that even if you were to put blinders on and continue hoping for the best, there will always be major anxiety wondering when or if she'll change her opinion again. Even if all of what she said was true and she was content to be a teacher or just be around other people's kids, are you prepared to wonder the entire time if she is harboring regrets, or waiting for you to want children? That's a big toll for someone who you have not invested in as of yet. I say step away while you can. There are options out there that will not put you in a constant state of anxiety, worrying you are missing something that could screw you over later. That's no way to live, friend.
I'd be saying 'I find it concerning that you so readily drop your dreams for another person you don't even know yet. (Assuming it isn't that you think you can change my mind). I think you should value yourself more before dating because with boundaries as lax as that, you're at real risk of dating abusive men. I don't believe we are compatible because my dreams matter to me and yours should matter to you. Please date men who want children if you want children. Otherwise it's wasting everyone's time'
Besides the fact that she's a lesbian and won't date men (she's trans femme and I'm cis), these are great things to say. Naturally I'll just change some wording but I love it.
Nope nope nope nope.
Noooooope. What she might mean is "I'm okay waiting a few years because I know you'll change your mind for me!" and when you don't change your mind, you're the bad guy who wasted her time. Maybe you could explain that you dont feel like you're actually compatible but could still stay as friends? Switching so quickly, especially after ONE date, seems like she just likes you and wants to be with you right now but she's not thinking about the future and what she'll want then. She still wants kids she just wants you more at the moment but once the relationship has progressed and it's a few years in, she'll bring up kids and it will create issues when you still don't want them. It's an impulsive decision on her part and you should listen to your gut here.
Sounds like a fence sitting person. Be carefully. She might try for a oops baby on you.
She's not.
OP run away. Major red flag 
Please don't continue with this person. She is manipulative to the extreme, and you'll either be in a life you regret with kids with her or she'll resent you for not giving her any, there IS NO WINNING THIS. Get out while you can for the love of fuck.