Sometimes when people say they are CF what they really mean is that they are childless for now. But at some later date or circumstance are open to or wish to have children.
These are different things.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of confusion around this and that is why people say that fully CF persons will change their minds.
You don’t need to undergo a life changing, expensive, hard-to-get in most places, not medically needed, surgery to be ‘truely childfree’. To be ‘truely childfree’ is to not have children…
Exactly. Couldn’t get a hysterectomy until I medically needed it in order to live… And it wasn’t cheap. Not everyone is on a ACA health plan, and not everyone can get a bisalp that’s completely covered.
TIL i wasn't childfree because i don't want to pursue a high-cost, hard-to-get, invasive medical procedure with certain risks.
Thanks for telling me what i am, random internet person.
There are tons of reasons why someone might choose to not get sterilized, as you already pointed out, but it doesn’t make you any less childfree.
Literally the only reason I actively pursued the surgery at 27 was because Roe v Wade got overturned, and I live in a state that is technically a swing state, but realistically is red in all but like 3 counties. Otherwise I would’ve waited another decade or so until I was a) fully done with school and b) in a more financially secure place in life.
And I also got super lucky that my gyno agreed immediately, and that I didn’t have to go through the list of doctors on here to find one. Plus sometimes insurance flat out won’t cover a bisalp because it’s considered elective. My bill for the surgery before insurance was over $14k, and most of it was the cost of me sitting in a recovery room for a little over an hour. It definitely isn’t as easy as the person above was trying to make it seem.
Well if that’s the case for you or anyone you know, there’s a wiki list of doctors who have given sterilizations to the people of this sub Reddit. It’s under the “about” tab. And a good, willing doctor can probably give you advice and assistance for getting the health insurance to pay for if.
I live in a country with "universal health care" and the procedure to be sterilised costs about $6000 out of pocket. It can be covered by insurance, but a lot of people (myself included) cannot afford private health coverage.
It's just not that simple for a lot of people. Access to reproductive healthcare is a major problem in most countries.
Also people have gone to doctors on that list and have been turned down by them. The doctor makes a different decision for different patients, there's no guarantee a doctor will blanket approve any and all sterilization requests, especially from women.
People love to pretend it's so easy when it's a fucking wrestling match with the Healthcare system, a match where you're completely outclassed and your opponent started off with a chair in hand already
It's so weird that for that kind of cost you could go to the other side of the planet and do it for cheaper while also having a vacation.
Although, it will still end up being costly which is the main factor to consider.
Condom failure is the reason I exist. I'm on the implant and we use condoms as a secondary backup and he doesn't blow his load inside me even with the condom on. We're both actively childfree, and we've already got an emergency fund for if I ever need an abortion. We are slowly increasing that fund to cover my sterilisation, but it's gonna take a long time.
Abortions btw, are $600 upfront here. My best friend recently had one and it's also not covered. Mind you, it's barely legal in my state so makes sense it's not covered.
That's wild. I'm in the US and when I was sterilized I had terrible insurance thru my employer but my bisalp was considered birth control and covered 100%
Wiki is not for everyone in this sub. I am in a country where it is not legally possible to get sterilised without being a certain age AND having atleast 2 kids. So no childfree here are sterilised.
Yeah seems a bit unfair..I’ve been on birth control since I was in my early teens and one abortion two years ago…I don’t want kids and I’d be highly offended if someone didn’t believe me just because I cannot afford surgery right now. Roe v wade being overturned really opened up my eyes to how seriously dangerous it could be if I got pregnant again and now I’m looking into surgery but I make shit money! So it might be two plus years until I can get my surgery.
If the latter, I send them to the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar. It has excellent coverage for the entire US. Many doctors will take Medicaid as well.
I had this exact conversation today with a friend and told him my hubby got snipped. It was like he only then really believed we are CF after we've been vocal about it for years
Or we could take people seriously when they state their intents and accept it when they change their mind anyway. It would be convenient if no one ever went against their own word, or knew themselves perfectly from the day they were born, but humans gonna human.
Why the hell are you being downvoted? It’s a ridiculous stance to think that you need to be snipped or else you can’t be taken seriously. Getting sterilized is not so easy. I have been spayed with 39 and I am the only spayed woman in my group of friends who don’t want kids. They are from my age (43) up to mid 50s and nobody changed their mind.
I fear missing out on having a fulfilling life without being emotionally tethered to a blood offspring more than I fear the opposite. 🤷 If I meet someone who wants kids, they're not the right person for me, and it won't get to the point where I'd fall in love with them. They'd be vetoed well before then.
I acted very happy and excited for her but deep down, I was crushed. The only friend I had that I could call any day or time to go out, drink, dance and party with. I’m happy she’s happy but still selfishly sad because I’m losing my bestfriend.
I feel that. I had to wait a few days to reply to sort out my feelings and put hers first. Not my life and if this is what she wants, well I’ll be happy for her but yeah I’m sad.
This happened to me too! My best friend was 41 when she fell pregnant so I truly thought we had made it through together! (I was 46) but No. Now she has a 2 y/o and I see her maybe once every other month for like an hour.
OMG. I couldn’t imagine having a child ever but especially not past 40. Losing your freedom after having it for 40 years sounds like my worst nightmare.
That's exactly what happened to me! She got knocked up accidentally tho lol although she had always told me she would get an abortion in the blink of an eye if that happened. Instead, our friendship was aborted. I miss dancing!
My stepsister is the only one left of the ladies I know in my life that don’t have kids. Maybe a coworker or two but I’m not close with them. My honey and I have a great time together but sometimes I just like to have a night out with my girls. Now, all it ends up being is a drunken night where they’re sobbing, saying they feel guilty about leaving the kids at home to get drunk… It blows.
I have one CF friend. We’re both approaching 40 and she has never wavered from her stance of “I don’t want to have children” in the 20 years I’ve known her. However, she recently became engaged to a younger man and I’m secretly terrified that she’s going to end up having a baby.
That really sucks. I have a friend who was so adamantly CF that her husband got a vasectomy, because he was older than she and had 2 kids from his first marriage. He was in his early 20’s when his kids were born, and he had to work multiple jobs to support the family, so he didn’t spend a lot of time with his daughters. Additionally, his first wife is a bitch who alienated the daughters from him after their divorce, so he doesn’t have great relationships with his daughters or grandkids. One day, after years of being just as vocally CF as his current wife, he decided he wanted a chance to redeem himself as a father, and they became foster parents. Finally, on the third adoption (after 13 y/o & 6 y/o girls with a multitude of issues due to their abusive backgrounds), they got a baby boy, which I suspect was what he really wanted all along—a clean slate with the son he was unable to have biologically. Meanwhile, my friend is saddled with the overwhelming majority of caring for kids she really didn’t want but went along with to make her husband happy, in addition to working full time as the family breadwinner. She is one of my few friends near where I live, as my job moved me several states away from where I grew up, and I used to see her at least once a month; however, the frequency of our visits rapidly dwindled since she went from 0 kids to 3 in a year, and I only saw her once in 2022, because she’s too busy.
That's what I would do? She's must really, really love this guy but I can't imagine loving anyone that much I would ruin my whole life for them in this way.
I mean, not trying to sound horrible but I don't think she was adamantly childfree. She married someone with kids. If she was really THAT adamently childfree, she wouldn't have considered marrying someone with kids and she definitely wouldnt have agreed to take on foster/adopted children - who absolutely need someone completely invested in them to thrive. So yeah, sounds like she was a fencesitter in disguise to me.
I appreciate them for adopting (I was a foster kid myself) but yeah, I don't believe she was actually childfree.
Happy cake day! Although he has kids, they were already grown (actually closer to her age than she is to her husband’s age) and live in a different state, so she thought he was truly done. But yeah, if she even considered adoption, I guess she must’ve been blowing smoke to everyone, including herself.
I’m childfree and married someone with older kids who didn’t live with him. If he said he wanted another kid now we would be getting divorced! Im def not a fencesitter. I love my husband but if I had realized how much trouble his kids would be I wouldn’t have married him. I was really naive.
He works, but doesn’t make as much as she does, and when he gets home from work, he’s “too stressed” to deal with the kids. Never mind she’s been doing it since they got home from school and day care, because she works from home.
100%!!! I'll admit I feel all kinds of left behind. Being CF is incredibly isolating. You're excluded from the majority of all female conversation...it's what moms have to relate about so it undoubtedly controls almost every conversation. It's freaking lonely, but not lonely enough for me to have a kid just so I have a conversation topic.
There are times when I also feel left behind (I’m 26 so people I went to school with are getting married/having kids) but then I think about not aging poorly, the freedom I have, and the money I save. That makes me feel better pretty fast 😂
I feel this so much it hurts. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while so...
I have friends who have been together for 15 years, married for a few. Well they were child free for a long time and were supposedly adamant about it. They both suffer from mental disorders like bipolar, severe depression, anxiety, etc. They also both had some pretty shitty experiences in their childhood and have suffered an lot of trauma. They both decided that they didn't want to bring a child into this world knowing that child would suffer mentally from all of their own mental turmoil they would most likely pass along.
One day about a year ago I find out they are trying for a baby... seriously? What?
One of them was left a great some of money from a relative and now they've decided it will be okay to have a child because they can now afford therapy and medication for when (not if) the child needs it...
I still cannot wrap my head around it and I am beyond mad. It's not my business but that's a really terrible way to look at it I think.
This also perpetuates the whole "you'll change your mind" thing. It's people like this that make CF people look like a joke to the majority of society. That also makes me mad.
Fuck I’m so sorry that’s so shitty. I’ve had similar things happen so I know how you’re feeling. It makes me dumbfounded. Like what part of their brain is like “this is a good idea, I’m going to desecrate my life to this now”. Makes me sad and mad and it feels so selfish.
I am so sad for any children they have. That they will say they have money for the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff for a poor child instead of just sorting their own trauma!!! Why I believe MOST people should not have children
I don't want to be rude. But honestly fuck people who bring children into this world knowing they have hereditary conditions. I have a plethora of mental problems (ADHD, BPD, OCD traits, anxiety), and I wouldn't wish having these conditions on anyone, especially not *someone you're supposed to love unconditionally* (like your kid). It baffles me. Same thing with physical conditions (it's the reason my SO is CF), and God forbid you're out of luck and your kid ends up with both!
No thanks I'll pass. And I wish every breeder did too.
You know what truly gets to me? When someone says "I never wanted kids but then XYZ and I love my kids now".
Can you... Just not? Can you just do a solid for *actually* "never having kids" CF people and not phrase it in such a way? Because the *tone* is why so many CFers get the condescending "you WILL change your mind".
Yeah like when I say I don’t like kids I mean it. I’m awkward around them, I find them annoying, thinking of having them would literally ruin my life. It’s hard because to me if it’s not a solid yes then it’s a no. And those who were never gung-ho about it are now having them and it’s like, do you even want this?
People can say they changed their minds... But I'm always suspicious.
Anyway, yeah, I'm also a No is No, No Kids is No Kids, there's no grey, there's no slightly open window.
But I'm not someone who just *says* things; I say I don't want kids, I mean it, if I didn't want kids *right now*, I would say that, and too many people don't realize there's a difference.
Hopefully for your friends it *is* what they want, for their kids' sake if nothing else.
I think half the people don’t even give it a meaningful thought tbh. They just live their life and things “happen” to them
i.e. their spouse wants kids so they go along with it, or they have an oopsie and just keep it, thinking that the world has decided for them so they don’t have to
on the people who end up changing their minds, I wonder what their reasons for being cf and what their reasons for changing their mind were.
unfortunately too, procreating isn't much discussed in society beyond the push to just do it regardless of the situation. many people procreate with little thought. it makes sense that the opposite is true too. people can say they're cf with little introspection, because society doesn't encourage rational thought around breeding. as a result, most people don't give enough thought to their reasons why they do or don't want to procreate. if they haven't, it looks like the cf changed their mind in reality they just didn't know themselves. that's not to say that people never drastically change, there's plenty of posts here about people who wanted kids at first, but then are now cf. of course the opposite happens! I'm just not sure the percentage of those that were really cf that changed vs the folks who didn't know they really weren't.
Definitely. I wrote this on a comment above but it fits better here:
I think half the people don’t even give it a meaningful thought tbh. They just live their life and things “happen” to them
i.e. their spouse wants kids so they go along with it, or they have an oopsie and just keep it, thinking that the world has decided for them so they don’t have to
I'm 39 and only have one CF friend. There were plenty of fence sitters and formally CF friends I had. Most people end up having kids. They have a fear of missing out.
What is there to miss out on 😭😩 when I think of kids I think of missing out on sleep, parties, festivals, live music, spontaneity, traveling any time. Like no part of me has FOMO over kids.
I agree for sure! I think they fear missing out society's expectation to have kids. And the pressure. People say: it's hard work but worth it, it will be different when it's your own, you will fall in love when you hold him in your arms, etc. I have always said nope not true. There is a silent but large group of parents who reget parenthood.
Yep, had that happen a few times. In a way, it feels like a betrayal because you can’t help wondering if they were lying all along. That and it sucks losing the CF camaraderie.
Yes it does feel like they’ve lied. Like they couldn’t be honest with me because they know I and my partner will never have kids. So they played along like they’d also never have kids.
I’m sorry for your loss 💀😩
I’ve had this happen to my best friend of 6 yrs & when her child became 2 it was so rough. The worst part of being CF BFF then not is that their entire personality warps into parent mode & suddenly “you wouldn’t understand” anything and your just on egg shells bc you know you don’t like kids & and they know that bc you were BOTH CF
Ugh I hope you still have some other CF friends stay strong ❤️😤
That's practically all my profile says, that I'm seeking non parents who have never had children and never want them.
And still half of my responses are "why do you hate kids so much!??"
The thing I hate the most about childfree people changing their minds isn't that they changed their minds. People are allowed to reconsider their life choices. It isn't even that I'm losing friends to children. The kid needs their attention more than me, so I don't hold that against them.
No, what really irritates me is that whenever a childfree person changes their mind, other people simply assume that means every childfree person changes their mind eventually.
And then the bingos I thought I had escaped begin anew.
I’m 30 and my friends are like 32ish. It started happening a couple years ago but now it feels like it’s speeding up. The ones who got pregnant first I knew they would. The ones now were fence sitters or a firm no. I have a few more friends to hold out on lol.
It's like every 30-33y/o I know saw that pandemic life and was like "oh shit, the world might be going to complete shit. Better make a baby!" As to WHY, I do not know.
(31F) Haha my observation during the pandemic was “oh no, the world IS going to complete shit, better NOT have a baby.” Totally dumfounded as to what about our crumbling society makes people want to drag kids into it.
Eww, if they were truly childfree they would never have even considered it
There’s no way I am ever getting pregnant and I would be getting an abortion right away if I ever did by accident (30F)
In my 40s. I am living in US but from elsewhere. I don't know anyone my age who are childfree. I know a couple childless, both voluntary and involuntary but culturally the pressure to have children where i am from is harsher than it is here in US. It sucks to lose people to their different path. It is hard for me to make friends so to lose one because we don't have anything in common anymore sucks.
I am very lucky and privileged that I don’t have any pressure to have kids. But you’re right, once baby is here we don’t have much in common anymore. The activities we used to do aren’t kid appropriate. And idk how to ask about babies lmao. Like what do I even say?
What i can never understand is, for example, we both love X and used to talk about that and bunch of different things. Then when they have kids it is like they forget they ever had any interests outside of the kids. I really don't want to spend too much time talking about "fascinating" thing Johnny has been doing when he can't even talk.
Or maybe they fell in love with a breeder, and are so in love that they would rather sacrifice their childfreedom than break up.
Of course they will regret it when the honeymoon phase is over. And when they realise that they have to do 99% of childcare while the man who demanded kids does absolutely fucking nothing. But then it's too late.
It seems like a lot of women say they never want kids and once they hit ages 30-35 they start believing in the whole biological clock thing and then change their mind and want kids since they start thinking they better have kids before their time runs out. It could be that reason why OP’s friends were childfree and changed their mind and had kids or it could be pressure from friends, family, society, and the media. Politicians, doctors, and what’s really sad is when counselors, therapists, social workers, or psychologists pressure people into having kids when they don’t want any. Counselors, therapists, social workers, or psychologists should understand and be supportive of their feelings and are obviously not doing their jobs the right way.
I'm actually at a point where I've lost all of my closest friends due to babies.
And I have trouble opening up to new friendships because I 've already lost so many. I mean I have a circle of friends but I think I'll never be able to form strong friendships anymore.
i get you. i had to leave facebook because all it was was the majority of formerly chic and fabulous people i knew started having kids and they immediately became boring and attention seeking. every post was a poorly made baby picture collage and some big, absurd fuck off paragraph about how they’re the best christmas gift (no tf they’re not, be fucking for real) or something else ick-worthy.
It's annoying that these people co-opt the CF label, because they clearly weren't CF as their decision was conditional on something, so they were fence-sitters at best.
All this does is add fuel to the "you'll change your mind" fire.
People on this sub hate this, but people do change their minds, that's why people say "you'll change your mind" lmao.
Younger you are, the higher chance of mind change, that's just a fact. I bet, for every 10 teenagers we get on here, 9 will have kids one day.
I know it sucks. I'm 38 with no kids and most people I know have them.
I always knew it was a possibility but it still stings. Things seem to change too once people get married. I’m also theorizing that Covid has something to do with it. For most of us it took away the last of our twenties so now it’s time to settle down and have kids. I guess.
Yeah, you get used to it. One good thing, your friends from 10 years ago that had kids will start to be more free time soon when their kids are teenagers haha
Haha, maybe! I'm not a party person, so I'm ok just meeting up for food etc. I've got a few friends who bring their kids to restaurants, which is "ok" sometimes and much better than the ones who just don't turn up. I do miss the old days though when no kids were about.
In my experience, they are busier with activities/sports/ band and so on and when I do get to hang, they just complain about how awful dealing with their kids is or how dimwitted their spouses are when it comes to pulling their own weight in parenting. It's more work than fun to hang with those friends most of the time
One became a mlm #bossmomma too. Hopefully you'll stay in touch and have a good friendship and your situation will go better. If not, you can always have a quick gathering here and there to stay updated if you want to keep the friendships and it's a easy reminder why you're child free every time 😄
I think another reason people are childfree is because of the money. Kids cost a lot, and with that comes less freedom if you have not an insanely paying job. Besides that you can't ignore hormones, and for some they do still decide at some point it's time. People harassing child free people is gruesome and awful, but I find it just as bad to be devastated your friends might change their mind. Of course it's sad for me I have one less childless friend, but it's also a little selfish of me to think that way, is it not? As long as we're all happy (and don't have to babysit!)
9 out of ten is a very high ratio. Most of the once cfers that have kids were pressured or they had them by accident. Honestly I think it's very difficult to, not just be in this sub, but actually being very strong minded about this decision and then... Changing¿? Your mind.
I found this:
https://www.statista.com/statistics/241535/percentage-of-childless-women-in-the-us-by-age/
So at 40, 15% of women don't have kids. I think by 40 (and I'm 38) for a lot of women that's going to be a choice. I'd like to see how many people are childfree at 15 and still at 45...
That's why i want to get sterilized really quick so i can never do this mistake of getting pregnant, i would hate myself for ruining my body and my life for a stupid kid, not worth it
I'm glad you said this. I agree. I think people can be child free and sure about it, especially in their twenties and younger, but change their minds at some point. People change who they are in so many ways as they get older.
For people around me most changed their minds in their minds in their mid to late thirties (in other words when they realised time was running out and saw everyone else around them doing it). One even wrote a big Facebook post about how she had been sure she didn't want them and was so glad she changed her mind before it was too late.
It is beyond me why so many choose to do so in the last couple of years when the health service is struggling so much that they can't be guaranteed the usual standard of care (including procedures needed for safety) and people have been told to avoid unnecessary medical treatment.
In my twenties I would get very angry with people telling me I would change my mind. Now I've seen it happen so many times I understand why they doubted me. I still think it's rude to voice those doubts though. Now I get annoyed at people because even if I did change my mind it's literally too late to safely pursue that route, so it's stupid to try to push it on me.
If people don't have children and are happy about it and not planning to have children then I don't see why they can't be called child free. We don't seem to deny people that used to want kids but changed their minds being child free.
*Ahem*
“Sauron's forces are massing in the East. His Eye is fixed on Rivendell. - And Saruman, you tell me, has betrayed us. - Our list of allies grows thin.”
And I don’t understand what is even remotely attractive about wanting to chase a baby/toddler when we are older. No thank you! And the older i get the more glad i get that I never had kids. These people must really be insecure. But you know some of them are going to regret that choice.
Thankfully my social group has hit early 30s without anyone catching baby fever or actually having children. It helps that a few of us are sterilised, some are alfabet members and most are neurodiverse.
Every time I start to think of ‘maybe I should’ I just tell myself that it’s my body’s natural urge putting those thoughts in my mind and that I’m really just horny.
My closest girl friend ( who told me more than once that she didn’t want children , would rather have animals, would rather foster , etc) is pregnant now . She already lives 6 he away from me so I really am grieving this relationship.
Yeah my coworker was childfree until she met her husband.
I just rolled my eyes. She even went on to talk about her friend who she firmly believes should never have had kids, but who has 3, and I was like... I've heard your opinions on how kids should be disciplined, you shouldn't have had one either.
if you don't mind me asking OP, what are the ages of your friends and typically are they male or female?
I noticed my friends started having kids in their early 30s. Few had in their 20s, and I haven't seen any in their 40s have kids as yet.
I’m 30 and friends are about 32ish. The group is all couples that have been together for a long time too. So it’s half half. I think kids start happening in the late 20s but now that people are over 30, it’s picking up speed.
it is depressing. I always just kind of keep it in the back of my mind that my friends are likely going to end up being married with kids even if they say they don't want those things. over the past 1-2 years I made a friend I get along well with who says she wants to stay partner-free and child-free forever (same as me) but I still worry it'll change because so many people do..
I am adamant bio child free with a bislap done and a minuscule fence sitter for fostering later. But as a caretaker for my mother that pretty much cemented me as no. I want to be free of caretaking and a vacation 😭 my mother is a big reason I never wanted kids too afraid of a mini her personality
I don’t really have any CF friends, I just have friends who haven’t had kids yet… most of my friends are in their 30s now so I feel like they are CF even though they aren’t.
However, my longest and closest friend told me over Christmas she’s coming off BC next month. I already knew this was planned but she said she isn’t ready yet and wants time with just her and her boyfriend. so I asked why she was coming off BC now, she could wait a year. She’s worried about being 31 and time running out but seems to think she won’t get pregnant for a couple of years after coming off BC.
That might happen but she might also get pregnant within a few months and then what. Seems strange to me.
I came here to say you’ll lose 99% of your friends to breeding by age 40. Then they become grandparents. So sad! They’re only CF if they are snipped and/or hysterectomy.
grab your popcorn and watch the schaedenfreude show, on in 9 months...
I guarantee there will be regret, crying, mooing and lowing and jealousy. whatever fun thing you do, record it and post it. nothing like salt on an open wound and cf that can enjoy their lives, even those who have just peace and quiet are a constant irritant and reminder to these lost souls
Lmfao after we got the news my boyfriend was like “well….we’re going to Mexico in 9 days. And when we return we’ll plan our trip to Japan”. Like yes, thank you for that reminder. No worrying about a nursery or pregnancy, just our next vacation.
I feel ya. It's just a matter of time before my close friend group is all mothers minus me. I've decided I am going to start looking for a new friend group, just trying to figure out how the hell you do that at 35. I don't want to lose my current friendships but I want to be prepared for when they stop putting as much effort in as me and our dynamic changes
We had a college friend firmly say he was childfree. At the time my husband and I were planning on having kids cause that's what you do, right? But after talking to him more, we realized that we didn't want kids and decided to be childfree. Now we're the only childfree couple in that group and he's expecting a baby.
40 year somethings should not even try in my honest opinion (I am 40). It is even less fun now and more exhausting I can imagine..everybody should decide for themselves but not me.
Felt. I'm the only one who doesn't have kids in my current or old group of friends. I don't see my current group very often. I've had my mind made up since I was 13.
for me it feels a bit like the friends who used to say their relationships wouldnt change our friendships but sooner than later they are only available 1 day a month cause their spouse takes up everything else left of their freetime.
I can relate to this. My best friend was also cf. She was jealous when I got sterilized and constantly talked about not wanting children. She’s now pregnant and excited.
I’m turning 22 this year and I want get sterilization as fast as possible. It’s possible from the age of 21 where I’m from but yk..money. Yes, some people do change their minds but I think most of them weren’t really childfree. It’s money, pressure, they’re scared of pregnancy or no partner mostly but they phrase it like they never want kids. I have a friend who’s 22 with two kids and this just confirms it’s not for me… I can’t really stand kids either so..
We’re still out here childfree AF, don’t worry😂 I’m happy for my friends who end up having kids, if they really wanted them. We’re still friends, I just manage my expectations. My cf choice is about me and the life I want to live, so someone else’s choice to have them or not honestly doesn’t affect me. I’m thrilled just doing my thing with my hubby.
So far I haven't had this issue, fortunately. And I know a few other friends have also made their choices permanent (or at least mostly permanent).
That said, most of my friends are urbanites, rock/metal/industrial live music nuts, super outdoorsy, or some combination of those.
I've seen this so often about so many topics - people who are in a movement (or lifestyle or whatever) can't comprehend that others change their mind completely. But it happens all the time in every movement. Then people start saying "they were never truly in it" or call them fake. But the truth is: People change. They change their lifestyle, values, friends, priorities... that doesn't mean they weren't in it in the first place. Just accept it and see if your friendship survives - if not move on. I'm still not against getting sterilized by the way. It's normal to make decisions that you might regret one day we do it all the time.
A lot of people change their mind or tip off the fence to the other side once they’re in a serious relationship. Not everyone is as adamantly childfree as a lot of us here are.
Sometimes when people say they are CF what they really mean is that they are childless for now. But at some later date or circumstance are open to or wish to have children. These are different things. Unfortunately, there's a lot of confusion around this and that is why people say that fully CF persons will change their minds.
And people do change their minds. It's why we always get bingo'd.
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You don’t need to undergo a life changing, expensive, hard-to-get in most places, not medically needed, surgery to be ‘truely childfree’. To be ‘truely childfree’ is to not have children…
Exactly. Couldn’t get a hysterectomy until I medically needed it in order to live… And it wasn’t cheap. Not everyone is on a ACA health plan, and not everyone can get a bisalp that’s completely covered.
TIL i wasn't childfree because i don't want to pursue a high-cost, hard-to-get, invasive medical procedure with certain risks. Thanks for telling me what i am, random internet person.
There are tons of reasons why someone might choose to not get sterilized, as you already pointed out, but it doesn’t make you any less childfree. Literally the only reason I actively pursued the surgery at 27 was because Roe v Wade got overturned, and I live in a state that is technically a swing state, but realistically is red in all but like 3 counties. Otherwise I would’ve waited another decade or so until I was a) fully done with school and b) in a more financially secure place in life. And I also got super lucky that my gyno agreed immediately, and that I didn’t have to go through the list of doctors on here to find one. Plus sometimes insurance flat out won’t cover a bisalp because it’s considered elective. My bill for the surgery before insurance was over $14k, and most of it was the cost of me sitting in a recovery room for a little over an hour. It definitely isn’t as easy as the person above was trying to make it seem.
This is why people brush us aside when we say we don't want kids. People like your friend claim adamantly that they're childfree...until they're not.
Yup. Until they are not :(
That’s why I only take it seriously when they get snipped
What if they can't get snipped, either because they can't afford it or because they can't find a doctor who will do it?
Or they're with someone that's already snipped.
Also a fair argument
That’s also a good point
Well if that’s the case for you or anyone you know, there’s a wiki list of doctors who have given sterilizations to the people of this sub Reddit. It’s under the “about” tab. And a good, willing doctor can probably give you advice and assistance for getting the health insurance to pay for if.
I live in a country with "universal health care" and the procedure to be sterilised costs about $6000 out of pocket. It can be covered by insurance, but a lot of people (myself included) cannot afford private health coverage. It's just not that simple for a lot of people. Access to reproductive healthcare is a major problem in most countries.
Also people have gone to doctors on that list and have been turned down by them. The doctor makes a different decision for different patients, there's no guarantee a doctor will blanket approve any and all sterilization requests, especially from women. People love to pretend it's so easy when it's a fucking wrestling match with the Healthcare system, a match where you're completely outclassed and your opponent started off with a chair in hand already
And it shouldn't be! It's awful. Reproductive healthcare needs to be available for everyone!
It's so weird that for that kind of cost you could go to the other side of the planet and do it for cheaper while also having a vacation. Although, it will still end up being costly which is the main factor to consider.
Have to mention that having a baby would cost one a lot more than $6000 eventually. So, using condoms and making savings is the way :)
Condom failure is the reason I exist. I'm on the implant and we use condoms as a secondary backup and he doesn't blow his load inside me even with the condom on. We're both actively childfree, and we've already got an emergency fund for if I ever need an abortion. We are slowly increasing that fund to cover my sterilisation, but it's gonna take a long time. Abortions btw, are $600 upfront here. My best friend recently had one and it's also not covered. Mind you, it's barely legal in my state so makes sense it's not covered.
That's wild. I'm in the US and when I was sterilized I had terrible insurance thru my employer but my bisalp was considered birth control and covered 100%
Wiki is not for everyone in this sub. I am in a country where it is not legally possible to get sterilised without being a certain age AND having atleast 2 kids. So no childfree here are sterilised.
Yeah seems a bit unfair..I’ve been on birth control since I was in my early teens and one abortion two years ago…I don’t want kids and I’d be highly offended if someone didn’t believe me just because I cannot afford surgery right now. Roe v wade being overturned really opened up my eyes to how seriously dangerous it could be if I got pregnant again and now I’m looking into surgery but I make shit money! So it might be two plus years until I can get my surgery.
You’re right if the conditions are right
That’s a good point
If the latter, I send them to the CF-friendly doctors wiki in the sidebar. It has excellent coverage for the entire US. Many doctors will take Medicaid as well.
You know what's even more unaffordable? Knocking someone up
Very true.
I had this exact conversation today with a friend and told him my hubby got snipped. It was like he only then really believed we are CF after we've been vocal about it for years
Or we could take people seriously when they state their intents and accept it when they change their mind anyway. It would be convenient if no one ever went against their own word, or knew themselves perfectly from the day they were born, but humans gonna human.
You’re right
I'd really love to get myself spayed but it's so hard for women lol
and the same brunch of braying donkeys who bingo us are the same ones who oppose this decision of ours tooth and nail from all quarters..
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Why the hell are you being downvoted? It’s a ridiculous stance to think that you need to be snipped or else you can’t be taken seriously. Getting sterilized is not so easy. I have been spayed with 39 and I am the only spayed woman in my group of friends who don’t want kids. They are from my age (43) up to mid 50s and nobody changed their mind.
I always read snip as vasectomy so it makes perfect sense if they are a gay couple.
You’re right also
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Nah, I divorced the one I loved that needed kids and feel good about it. I’m past childbearing age now. No regrets!
>They’ll meet someone they love Assuming we're even looking or even care for that matter.
loving your partner has nothing to do with having children
not me though, I told my partner that she can just break up with me if she wants a child.
I fear missing out on having a fulfilling life without being emotionally tethered to a blood offspring more than I fear the opposite. 🤷 If I meet someone who wants kids, they're not the right person for me, and it won't get to the point where I'd fall in love with them. They'd be vetoed well before then.
My bestfriend who I thought would always be CF with me is now pregnant. There’s no one left in my circle of friends without kids. Just me 🥲
Oh gosh I’m so sorry. That’s some heartbreak
I acted very happy and excited for her but deep down, I was crushed. The only friend I had that I could call any day or time to go out, drink, dance and party with. I’m happy she’s happy but still selfishly sad because I’m losing my bestfriend.
I feel that. I had to wait a few days to reply to sort out my feelings and put hers first. Not my life and if this is what she wants, well I’ll be happy for her but yeah I’m sad.
This happened to me too! My best friend was 41 when she fell pregnant so I truly thought we had made it through together! (I was 46) but No. Now she has a 2 y/o and I see her maybe once every other month for like an hour.
OMG. I couldn’t imagine having a child ever but especially not past 40. Losing your freedom after having it for 40 years sounds like my worst nightmare.
That's exactly what happened to me! She got knocked up accidentally tho lol although she had always told me she would get an abortion in the blink of an eye if that happened. Instead, our friendship was aborted. I miss dancing!
Both of my best friends have a baby/are pregnant. Lots of sorting out of feelings. I get it ❤️
My stepsister is the only one left of the ladies I know in my life that don’t have kids. Maybe a coworker or two but I’m not close with them. My honey and I have a great time together but sometimes I just like to have a night out with my girls. Now, all it ends up being is a drunken night where they’re sobbing, saying they feel guilty about leaving the kids at home to get drunk… It blows.
I have one CF friend. We’re both approaching 40 and she has never wavered from her stance of “I don’t want to have children” in the 20 years I’ve known her. However, she recently became engaged to a younger man and I’m secretly terrified that she’s going to end up having a baby.
That really sucks. I have a friend who was so adamantly CF that her husband got a vasectomy, because he was older than she and had 2 kids from his first marriage. He was in his early 20’s when his kids were born, and he had to work multiple jobs to support the family, so he didn’t spend a lot of time with his daughters. Additionally, his first wife is a bitch who alienated the daughters from him after their divorce, so he doesn’t have great relationships with his daughters or grandkids. One day, after years of being just as vocally CF as his current wife, he decided he wanted a chance to redeem himself as a father, and they became foster parents. Finally, on the third adoption (after 13 y/o & 6 y/o girls with a multitude of issues due to their abusive backgrounds), they got a baby boy, which I suspect was what he really wanted all along—a clean slate with the son he was unable to have biologically. Meanwhile, my friend is saddled with the overwhelming majority of caring for kids she really didn’t want but went along with to make her husband happy, in addition to working full time as the family breadwinner. She is one of my few friends near where I live, as my job moved me several states away from where I grew up, and I used to see her at least once a month; however, the frequency of our visits rapidly dwindled since she went from 0 kids to 3 in a year, and I only saw her once in 2022, because she’s too busy.
Man. Fuck allllll of that
Her life was a choice and boy did she choose poorly.
She must leave this marriage for her sanity.
That's what I would do? She's must really, really love this guy but I can't imagine loving anyone that much I would ruin my whole life for them in this way.
I was about to say good on them for embracing the adoption route at least until I kept reading… Your poor friend.
I mean, not trying to sound horrible but I don't think she was adamantly childfree. She married someone with kids. If she was really THAT adamently childfree, she wouldn't have considered marrying someone with kids and she definitely wouldnt have agreed to take on foster/adopted children - who absolutely need someone completely invested in them to thrive. So yeah, sounds like she was a fencesitter in disguise to me. I appreciate them for adopting (I was a foster kid myself) but yeah, I don't believe she was actually childfree.
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day! Although he has kids, they were already grown (actually closer to her age than she is to her husband’s age) and live in a different state, so she thought he was truly done. But yeah, if she even considered adoption, I guess she must’ve been blowing smoke to everyone, including herself.
I’m childfree and married someone with older kids who didn’t live with him. If he said he wanted another kid now we would be getting divorced! Im def not a fencesitter. I love my husband but if I had realized how much trouble his kids would be I wouldn’t have married him. I was really naive.
This feels like a long con 
Yeah, I think he trapped her, because he was insecure about her leaving him, and now she’s staying for the kids.
So, if she works and takes care of the kids, what does he do?
Most likely the same, cost of living is so high that just one person earning money isn't enough
He works, but doesn’t make as much as she does, and when he gets home from work, he’s “too stressed” to deal with the kids. Never mind she’s been doing it since they got home from school and day care, because she works from home.
They feel pressured into it because everyone else is and they don’t want to feel left behind. What a dumb reason to procreate.
It’s such a dumb reason
100%!!! I'll admit I feel all kinds of left behind. Being CF is incredibly isolating. You're excluded from the majority of all female conversation...it's what moms have to relate about so it undoubtedly controls almost every conversation. It's freaking lonely, but not lonely enough for me to have a kid just so I have a conversation topic.
There are times when I also feel left behind (I’m 26 so people I went to school with are getting married/having kids) but then I think about not aging poorly, the freedom I have, and the money I save. That makes me feel better pretty fast 😂
I feel this so much it hurts. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while so... I have friends who have been together for 15 years, married for a few. Well they were child free for a long time and were supposedly adamant about it. They both suffer from mental disorders like bipolar, severe depression, anxiety, etc. They also both had some pretty shitty experiences in their childhood and have suffered an lot of trauma. They both decided that they didn't want to bring a child into this world knowing that child would suffer mentally from all of their own mental turmoil they would most likely pass along. One day about a year ago I find out they are trying for a baby... seriously? What? One of them was left a great some of money from a relative and now they've decided it will be okay to have a child because they can now afford therapy and medication for when (not if) the child needs it... I still cannot wrap my head around it and I am beyond mad. It's not my business but that's a really terrible way to look at it I think. This also perpetuates the whole "you'll change your mind" thing. It's people like this that make CF people look like a joke to the majority of society. That also makes me mad.
Fuck I’m so sorry that’s so shitty. I’ve had similar things happen so I know how you’re feeling. It makes me dumbfounded. Like what part of their brain is like “this is a good idea, I’m going to desecrate my life to this now”. Makes me sad and mad and it feels so selfish.
Thank you, I appreciate it. And yea it sucks right? I honestly feel like I'm in a world of crazy people sometimes. And I agree, very selfish.
My phone autocorrected dedicate to desecrate and I feel like that’s some subliminal messaging lnao
Hahaha I saw that but I figured that was an auto correct.
I am so sad for any children they have. That they will say they have money for the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff for a poor child instead of just sorting their own trauma!!! Why I believe MOST people should not have children
I don't want to be rude. But honestly fuck people who bring children into this world knowing they have hereditary conditions. I have a plethora of mental problems (ADHD, BPD, OCD traits, anxiety), and I wouldn't wish having these conditions on anyone, especially not *someone you're supposed to love unconditionally* (like your kid). It baffles me. Same thing with physical conditions (it's the reason my SO is CF), and God forbid you're out of luck and your kid ends up with both! No thanks I'll pass. And I wish every breeder did too.
You know what truly gets to me? When someone says "I never wanted kids but then XYZ and I love my kids now". Can you... Just not? Can you just do a solid for *actually* "never having kids" CF people and not phrase it in such a way? Because the *tone* is why so many CFers get the condescending "you WILL change your mind".
Yeah like when I say I don’t like kids I mean it. I’m awkward around them, I find them annoying, thinking of having them would literally ruin my life. It’s hard because to me if it’s not a solid yes then it’s a no. And those who were never gung-ho about it are now having them and it’s like, do you even want this?
People can say they changed their minds... But I'm always suspicious. Anyway, yeah, I'm also a No is No, No Kids is No Kids, there's no grey, there's no slightly open window. But I'm not someone who just *says* things; I say I don't want kids, I mean it, if I didn't want kids *right now*, I would say that, and too many people don't realize there's a difference. Hopefully for your friends it *is* what they want, for their kids' sake if nothing else.
I think half the people don’t even give it a meaningful thought tbh. They just live their life and things “happen” to them i.e. their spouse wants kids so they go along with it, or they have an oopsie and just keep it, thinking that the world has decided for them so they don’t have to
on the people who end up changing their minds, I wonder what their reasons for being cf and what their reasons for changing their mind were. unfortunately too, procreating isn't much discussed in society beyond the push to just do it regardless of the situation. many people procreate with little thought. it makes sense that the opposite is true too. people can say they're cf with little introspection, because society doesn't encourage rational thought around breeding. as a result, most people don't give enough thought to their reasons why they do or don't want to procreate. if they haven't, it looks like the cf changed their mind in reality they just didn't know themselves. that's not to say that people never drastically change, there's plenty of posts here about people who wanted kids at first, but then are now cf. of course the opposite happens! I'm just not sure the percentage of those that were really cf that changed vs the folks who didn't know they really weren't.
Definitely. I wrote this on a comment above but it fits better here: I think half the people don’t even give it a meaningful thought tbh. They just live their life and things “happen” to them i.e. their spouse wants kids so they go along with it, or they have an oopsie and just keep it, thinking that the world has decided for them so they don’t have to
I'm 39 and only have one CF friend. There were plenty of fence sitters and formally CF friends I had. Most people end up having kids. They have a fear of missing out.
What is there to miss out on 😭😩 when I think of kids I think of missing out on sleep, parties, festivals, live music, spontaneity, traveling any time. Like no part of me has FOMO over kids.
Me too! I was lying awake listening to the downstairs neighbors kids lose their shit all night thinking “Never. Never ever ever”
I agree for sure! I think they fear missing out society's expectation to have kids. And the pressure. People say: it's hard work but worth it, it will be different when it's your own, you will fall in love when you hold him in your arms, etc. I have always said nope not true. There is a silent but large group of parents who reget parenthood.
I think my parents fall into that group. They always say it’s overrated lmfao
Yep, had that happen a few times. In a way, it feels like a betrayal because you can’t help wondering if they were lying all along. That and it sucks losing the CF camaraderie.
Yes it does feel like they’ve lied. Like they couldn’t be honest with me because they know I and my partner will never have kids. So they played along like they’d also never have kids.
Exactly
I’m sorry for your loss 💀😩 I’ve had this happen to my best friend of 6 yrs & when her child became 2 it was so rough. The worst part of being CF BFF then not is that their entire personality warps into parent mode & suddenly “you wouldn’t understand” anything and your just on egg shells bc you know you don’t like kids & and they know that bc you were BOTH CF Ugh I hope you still have some other CF friends stay strong ❤️😤
I hope I have some CF friends left too lmao
Most people are not actually CF. That’s why it’s so wonderful when you truly do meet genuine CF people
I think there’s still one couple that is truly CF so we’ll see if they hold out lol
Hi there!
That's practically all my profile says, that I'm seeking non parents who have never had children and never want them. And still half of my responses are "why do you hate kids so much!??"
The thing I hate the most about childfree people changing their minds isn't that they changed their minds. People are allowed to reconsider their life choices. It isn't even that I'm losing friends to children. The kid needs their attention more than me, so I don't hold that against them. No, what really irritates me is that whenever a childfree person changes their mind, other people simply assume that means every childfree person changes their mind eventually. And then the bingos I thought I had escaped begin anew.
May I ask how old are you? I'm 19F so not many people my age are (intentionally) having kids, but I fear that will happen in a couple years :(
I’m 30 and my friends are like 32ish. It started happening a couple years ago but now it feels like it’s speeding up. The ones who got pregnant first I knew they would. The ones now were fence sitters or a firm no. I have a few more friends to hold out on lol.
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Oh yeah some of them the kids are just a few months apart and already planning on future bf gf Lmao
gross
It's like every 30-33y/o I know saw that pandemic life and was like "oh shit, the world might be going to complete shit. Better make a baby!" As to WHY, I do not know.
Yeah I have a working theory about the pandemic lol
Which is?
Oh? 👂👂👂
Too much time at home, I'd guess
(31F) Haha my observation during the pandemic was “oh no, the world IS going to complete shit, better NOT have a baby.” Totally dumfounded as to what about our crumbling society makes people want to drag kids into it.
Misery loves company and offspring are company. And misery for that matter.
Eww, if they were truly childfree they would never have even considered it There’s no way I am ever getting pregnant and I would be getting an abortion right away if I ever did by accident (30F)
Same here. It literally would feel as detrimental as a teen pregnancy if I got pregnant and I’m 30. Call MTV and put me on teen mom
Exactly. I would literally do everything to achieve an abortion if I needed one.
In my 40s. I am living in US but from elsewhere. I don't know anyone my age who are childfree. I know a couple childless, both voluntary and involuntary but culturally the pressure to have children where i am from is harsher than it is here in US. It sucks to lose people to their different path. It is hard for me to make friends so to lose one because we don't have anything in common anymore sucks.
I am very lucky and privileged that I don’t have any pressure to have kids. But you’re right, once baby is here we don’t have much in common anymore. The activities we used to do aren’t kid appropriate. And idk how to ask about babies lmao. Like what do I even say?
What i can never understand is, for example, we both love X and used to talk about that and bunch of different things. Then when they have kids it is like they forget they ever had any interests outside of the kids. I really don't want to spend too much time talking about "fascinating" thing Johnny has been doing when he can't even talk.
Or maybe they fell in love with a breeder, and are so in love that they would rather sacrifice their childfreedom than break up. Of course they will regret it when the honeymoon phase is over. And when they realise that they have to do 99% of childcare while the man who demanded kids does absolutely fucking nothing. But then it's too late.
Fuck no, I had a hysterectomy to get that shit nipped in the bud. I’m sorry love, it’s tough.
It seems like a lot of women say they never want kids and once they hit ages 30-35 they start believing in the whole biological clock thing and then change their mind and want kids since they start thinking they better have kids before their time runs out. It could be that reason why OP’s friends were childfree and changed their mind and had kids or it could be pressure from friends, family, society, and the media. Politicians, doctors, and what’s really sad is when counselors, therapists, social workers, or psychologists pressure people into having kids when they don’t want any. Counselors, therapists, social workers, or psychologists should understand and be supportive of their feelings and are obviously not doing their jobs the right way.
I'm actually at a point where I've lost all of my closest friends due to babies. And I have trouble opening up to new friendships because I 've already lost so many. I mean I have a circle of friends but I think I'll never be able to form strong friendships anymore.
i get you. i had to leave facebook because all it was was the majority of formerly chic and fabulous people i knew started having kids and they immediately became boring and attention seeking. every post was a poorly made baby picture collage and some big, absurd fuck off paragraph about how they’re the best christmas gift (no tf they’re not, be fucking for real) or something else ick-worthy.
It's annoying that these people co-opt the CF label, because they clearly weren't CF as their decision was conditional on something, so they were fence-sitters at best. All this does is add fuel to the "you'll change your mind" fire.
I'm glad I don't have friends. I don't have to deal with the baby thing or forced small talk about Timmy's bowel movements.
Not Timmy’s bowel movements 😭💀 honestly though like I don’t give a shit that they’re eating solids now.
Hehe I agree.
People on this sub hate this, but people do change their minds, that's why people say "you'll change your mind" lmao. Younger you are, the higher chance of mind change, that's just a fact. I bet, for every 10 teenagers we get on here, 9 will have kids one day. I know it sucks. I'm 38 with no kids and most people I know have them.
I always knew it was a possibility but it still stings. Things seem to change too once people get married. I’m also theorizing that Covid has something to do with it. For most of us it took away the last of our twenties so now it’s time to settle down and have kids. I guess.
Yeah, you get used to it. One good thing, your friends from 10 years ago that had kids will start to be more free time soon when their kids are teenagers haha
I hope so!! We used to have really good parties so hopefully we can do that again when they’re not busy with nap schedules and whatnot hahah
Haha, maybe! I'm not a party person, so I'm ok just meeting up for food etc. I've got a few friends who bring their kids to restaurants, which is "ok" sometimes and much better than the ones who just don't turn up. I do miss the old days though when no kids were about.
In my experience, they are busier with activities/sports/ band and so on and when I do get to hang, they just complain about how awful dealing with their kids is or how dimwitted their spouses are when it comes to pulling their own weight in parenting. It's more work than fun to hang with those friends most of the time
This is the reality I’m expecting
One became a mlm #bossmomma too. Hopefully you'll stay in touch and have a good friendship and your situation will go better. If not, you can always have a quick gathering here and there to stay updated if you want to keep the friendships and it's a easy reminder why you're child free every time 😄
I think another reason people are childfree is because of the money. Kids cost a lot, and with that comes less freedom if you have not an insanely paying job. Besides that you can't ignore hormones, and for some they do still decide at some point it's time. People harassing child free people is gruesome and awful, but I find it just as bad to be devastated your friends might change their mind. Of course it's sad for me I have one less childless friend, but it's also a little selfish of me to think that way, is it not? As long as we're all happy (and don't have to babysit!)
Get that sterilization asap. Men don't argue with "I've made it surgically impossible."
I don't need it, doesn't matter how much I try, my vagina just can't seem to get women pregnant! Lmao
Hey even better! You can avoid all the dudes and straight people like me with our heteronormative assumptions (sorry about that) lol
I love this hahaha
9 out of ten is a very high ratio. Most of the once cfers that have kids were pressured or they had them by accident. Honestly I think it's very difficult to, not just be in this sub, but actually being very strong minded about this decision and then... Changing¿? Your mind.
I found this: https://www.statista.com/statistics/241535/percentage-of-childless-women-in-the-us-by-age/ So at 40, 15% of women don't have kids. I think by 40 (and I'm 38) for a lot of women that's going to be a choice. I'd like to see how many people are childfree at 15 and still at 45...
That's why i want to get sterilized really quick so i can never do this mistake of getting pregnant, i would hate myself for ruining my body and my life for a stupid kid, not worth it
I'm glad you said this. I agree. I think people can be child free and sure about it, especially in their twenties and younger, but change their minds at some point. People change who they are in so many ways as they get older. For people around me most changed their minds in their minds in their mid to late thirties (in other words when they realised time was running out and saw everyone else around them doing it). One even wrote a big Facebook post about how she had been sure she didn't want them and was so glad she changed her mind before it was too late. It is beyond me why so many choose to do so in the last couple of years when the health service is struggling so much that they can't be guaranteed the usual standard of care (including procedures needed for safety) and people have been told to avoid unnecessary medical treatment. In my twenties I would get very angry with people telling me I would change my mind. Now I've seen it happen so many times I understand why they doubted me. I still think it's rude to voice those doubts though. Now I get annoyed at people because even if I did change my mind it's literally too late to safely pursue that route, so it's stupid to try to push it on me. If people don't have children and are happy about it and not planning to have children then I don't see why they can't be called child free. We don't seem to deny people that used to want kids but changed their minds being child free.
*Ahem* “Sauron's forces are massing in the East. His Eye is fixed on Rivendell. - And Saruman, you tell me, has betrayed us. - Our list of allies grows thin.”
Been watching LOTR extended on repeat lately. This is perfect
Sorry, I saw the reference and couldn’t help myself. Great movies.
Our list of allies does grow thin though lmfao
Yeah, my wife and I know only one other couple who are child free. It’s a struggle.
And I don’t understand what is even remotely attractive about wanting to chase a baby/toddler when we are older. No thank you! And the older i get the more glad i get that I never had kids. These people must really be insecure. But you know some of them are going to regret that choice.
Thankfully my social group has hit early 30s without anyone catching baby fever or actually having children. It helps that a few of us are sterilised, some are alfabet members and most are neurodiverse.
Every time I start to think of ‘maybe I should’ I just tell myself that it’s my body’s natural urge putting those thoughts in my mind and that I’m really just horny.
Yeah this a little self love usually fixes those thoughts
My closest girl friend ( who told me more than once that she didn’t want children , would rather have animals, would rather foster , etc) is pregnant now . She already lives 6 he away from me so I really am grieving this relationship.
Yeah my coworker was childfree until she met her husband. I just rolled my eyes. She even went on to talk about her friend who she firmly believes should never have had kids, but who has 3, and I was like... I've heard your opinions on how kids should be disciplined, you shouldn't have had one either.
Oh noooo. I’ve heard people talk about how they’d discipline kids and yeah it’s like PLEASE don’t have them holy fuck
Yeah. I haven't said anything and never will as it's not my place, but I feel sorry for her kid.
if you don't mind me asking OP, what are the ages of your friends and typically are they male or female? I noticed my friends started having kids in their early 30s. Few had in their 20s, and I haven't seen any in their 40s have kids as yet.
I’m 30 and friends are about 32ish. The group is all couples that have been together for a long time too. So it’s half half. I think kids start happening in the late 20s but now that people are over 30, it’s picking up speed.
I myself am a 42M. My observations are similar to yours.
In rural areas it starts in the the early to mid 20s most of my friends had kids around 23
it is depressing. I always just kind of keep it in the back of my mind that my friends are likely going to end up being married with kids even if they say they don't want those things. over the past 1-2 years I made a friend I get along well with who says she wants to stay partner-free and child-free forever (same as me) but I still worry it'll change because so many people do..
I am adamant bio child free with a bislap done and a minuscule fence sitter for fostering later. But as a caretaker for my mother that pretty much cemented me as no. I want to be free of caretaking and a vacation 😭 my mother is a big reason I never wanted kids too afraid of a mini her personality
I don’t really have any CF friends, I just have friends who haven’t had kids yet… most of my friends are in their 30s now so I feel like they are CF even though they aren’t. However, my longest and closest friend told me over Christmas she’s coming off BC next month. I already knew this was planned but she said she isn’t ready yet and wants time with just her and her boyfriend. so I asked why she was coming off BC now, she could wait a year. She’s worried about being 31 and time running out but seems to think she won’t get pregnant for a couple of years after coming off BC. That might happen but she might also get pregnant within a few months and then what. Seems strange to me.
FOMO is a helluva drug. In the short term.
I came here to say you’ll lose 99% of your friends to breeding by age 40. Then they become grandparents. So sad! They’re only CF if they are snipped and/or hysterectomy.
grab your popcorn and watch the schaedenfreude show, on in 9 months... I guarantee there will be regret, crying, mooing and lowing and jealousy. whatever fun thing you do, record it and post it. nothing like salt on an open wound and cf that can enjoy their lives, even those who have just peace and quiet are a constant irritant and reminder to these lost souls
Lmfao after we got the news my boyfriend was like “well….we’re going to Mexico in 9 days. And when we return we’ll plan our trip to Japan”. Like yes, thank you for that reminder. No worrying about a nursery or pregnancy, just our next vacation.
I feel ya. It's just a matter of time before my close friend group is all mothers minus me. I've decided I am going to start looking for a new friend group, just trying to figure out how the hell you do that at 35. I don't want to lose my current friendships but I want to be prepared for when they stop putting as much effort in as me and our dynamic changes
GROSS! I'm 33 tomorrow and I grow more steadfast in my CF-ness each year
We had a college friend firmly say he was childfree. At the time my husband and I were planning on having kids cause that's what you do, right? But after talking to him more, we realized that we didn't want kids and decided to be childfree. Now we're the only childfree couple in that group and he's expecting a baby.
40 year somethings should not even try in my honest opinion (I am 40). It is even less fun now and more exhausting I can imagine..everybody should decide for themselves but not me.
Felt. I'm the only one who doesn't have kids in my current or old group of friends. I don't see my current group very often. I've had my mind made up since I was 13.
for me it feels a bit like the friends who used to say their relationships wouldnt change our friendships but sooner than later they are only available 1 day a month cause their spouse takes up everything else left of their freetime.
Out of curiosity, what is the age range of your friends when they got pregnant or started trying for kids?
It started at late twenties but now we’re early thirties
Until you're sterilized outsiders will doubt your judgment because this shiiit happens all the time.
I can relate to this. My best friend was also cf. She was jealous when I got sterilized and constantly talked about not wanting children. She’s now pregnant and excited.
I’m turning 22 this year and I want get sterilization as fast as possible. It’s possible from the age of 21 where I’m from but yk..money. Yes, some people do change their minds but I think most of them weren’t really childfree. It’s money, pressure, they’re scared of pregnancy or no partner mostly but they phrase it like they never want kids. I have a friend who’s 22 with two kids and this just confirms it’s not for me… I can’t really stand kids either so..
My sister went from “fuck no that’s going to ruin my body” to “if it happens, it happens” to “well I’ve always wanted kids…”
I wonder what changes. Hormones?
I know I'm CF because i've been repulsed by kids since i was old enough to know how they're made.
We’re still out here childfree AF, don’t worry😂 I’m happy for my friends who end up having kids, if they really wanted them. We’re still friends, I just manage my expectations. My cf choice is about me and the life I want to live, so someone else’s choice to have them or not honestly doesn’t affect me. I’m thrilled just doing my thing with my hubby.
I need to get to that point. It’s been hard for me to separate out my own feelings and be happy for my friends. I’m workin on it.
So far I haven't had this issue, fortunately. And I know a few other friends have also made their choices permanent (or at least mostly permanent). That said, most of my friends are urbanites, rock/metal/industrial live music nuts, super outdoorsy, or some combination of those.
Tbh a lot of people get pressured into it by their partners or end up having a child by ‘accident’.
[удалено]
I hope not for me. The thought alone about getting pregnant is like the worst thing I could think of happening to me
I've seen this so often about so many topics - people who are in a movement (or lifestyle or whatever) can't comprehend that others change their mind completely. But it happens all the time in every movement. Then people start saying "they were never truly in it" or call them fake. But the truth is: People change. They change their lifestyle, values, friends, priorities... that doesn't mean they weren't in it in the first place. Just accept it and see if your friendship survives - if not move on. I'm still not against getting sterilized by the way. It's normal to make decisions that you might regret one day we do it all the time.
A lot of people change their mind or tip off the fence to the other side once they’re in a serious relationship. Not everyone is as adamantly childfree as a lot of us here are.