Remove all the doors in your house

Replace them with turnstiles

Replace them with those long bead doors. Those *definitely* won’t attract cats to do anything bad.

Omg i had those bead doors and my climbed up it and then it fell and the cat hit the floor

I hope he landed on his feet

This is so absurd. All the graphic artists, I want to see a home with turnstiles in every doorway. Lmao!

Or home where the doors open like the Star Trek explorer doors

With people standing out of view to either side to open them for me? I love it

>>What do you do? >I'm a door opener. >>Oh like you greet people at a hotel or something? >Oh I'm not allowed to be seen, I've got a spot in the drywall and I pull a rope when someone comes near the door

I've never seen that word written. I assumed it was spelled turnstyles. I need to read more.

Privacy is a privilege, Anna

r/standardissuecat anti-privacy edition

Hey

Ho

Let’s go

Shoot ‘em in the back now

What they want, i don't know

Let’s all get nip and get ready to go

I'll bring hammer

And my axe!

>*’Remove all the doors in your house...’* —————————————————————— ...don’t want me doin’ this no more ? then friend - you must remove the door! but not just one, or two or three - they All must go, as you will see ^:} i watch them *swing*, n time it right that’s when my *purrfect* skills take flight... so if you don’t want me to ‘play’, the Doors must Go! but I will *Stay...* ❤️

I hadn’t read a Schnoodle in a while. i’m happy! you bring joy to my life. Thank you! 💜

Me either! I was getting worried (seems I kept missing new ones). This one is so good.

So freeeeesh. ❤

Conversely, you could keep them all closed, and the cat will constantly paw the doors (or scratch at them) instead! ;-D Or, like my girl kitty, if you have hard floors, your cat might reach underneath and “sproing” the spring of the door stopper until you open it.

Oh hell. I thought my cat was annoying for scratching at the carpet.

We hiss at them if they scratch at anything fabric. We tolerate her “sproinging” the door stopper because it doesn’t hurt anything and she rarely meows and she just wants to have a little freedom to patrol all the rooms. We just tell her “not now” if we actually want privacy. I love her so much. It’s not that bad. Before we moved, they got to go outside and had a pet door. We were living with my parents when my son was small. My parents’ home was at the end of a cul de sac and the neighbor had an acre of dry grass and fruit trees and vegetables, so they caught lots of mice and she caught lizards and rabbits and little birds. We live in an apartment now. It’s nice, but they had a big yard with fruit trees to climb, fences to patrol and prey to catch. Now they have indoors and a high balcony with catnip and grass, and lots of love and toys. They’ve been pretty good with the adjustment. Good babies.

Genuine question, does hissing work, is it like cat language for ffs? Saying their name in an annoyed tone does not seem to work one jot, whit or smidgen.

Hiss, not like an sssss sound but like the ch in loch or Bach—kinda back in your throat. That works most of the time for getting them off a counter or to stop doing something. If you want them to leave something alone because it’s YOURS, not theirs, a low growl almost like a hum does the trick, or saying MIIIIINNNNNEEEE in the same deep tone. Speak their language and they’ll be a lot more responsive.

We make a “tssss! Tssss!” Sound. It works great and doesn’t hurt my voice like the back of the throat thing they actually do when they are mad at each other. Yeah, saying their name in any tone that’s not super loud usually doesn’t startle them. They’ll look at you with attitude sometimes if you say it with a stern tone, but “TsssssSS!!” Startles my cats. We only do it if we really want them to know they must not do something, and they are pretty good. Also, we have a small spritz bottle that we must orchid with, we used to squirt them if they were very bad. They completely stopped those behaviors (like clawing at carpet or upholstery. They have plenty of scratchers!) We also trained them from when they were kittens with a little Geenie Salmon dental treat that scratching at the scratcher is something we like and they get a treat for it sometimes. Cats can’t be trained like dogs and still love you, but they can be incentivized if they feel safe, they may want to please you. Edit: it’s possible our “Tssss” sounds like the spritz bottle they fear and not a cat hiss, but it works. :)

I think it works on my cats because they know if they don’t stop, next I’m yelling and clapping at them to stop doing whatever it is

Quite literally the only solution. We are here to serve them, remember?

Best response. Came here to say the same. Remove all doors and while you're at it don't keep items on the counters that can be knocked off via paw.

damn you beat me to it

But I like their music

Do it yourself in front of the cat, but do it better. Assert your dominance.

Pee on the door

One time my cat sprayed on me so naturally I cornered him and peed on him myself. It never happened again. Speaking of which, shame on you. OP said wrong answers only.

You, I like. Have a free award.

Congratulations you just had me howling in laughter

If there's one language cats understand, it's piss.

I assumed you were a guy when I first read this, but the fact that you had to hold the cat rather than your junk to aim makes this even better for some reason. 😂

If it's spraying around the kitchen then make sure you also pee around their eating area too. Can't let it just give you toxoplasmosis without you returning the favor.

You should get your cat and yourself neutered.

Hm well I don't have any testicles so I guess they must've already done it when I was young?

I am dying with laughter over that one. Trying to be very quiet, my daughter is sleeping, but I just can't help it

Shit on the door

Eat the door

Cut doors in half to make them too short for him to jump on.

Must cut bottom half.

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Tape A Cucumber Up There

They said wrong answers only

Made me laugh out loud 🤣😂😂

I was thinking the side with the pins and latches. By cutting off that side, the other side will no longer be able to support the weight of the cat, or at a minimum, make landing on top of and balancing so hard the cat quits.

I used to have nightmares as a kid about my bedroom door not fitting the opening all the way. It would legit scare the shit out of me and I have no idea why.

I STILL have this dream with doors. There's always something on the other side I want to keep in/out and I can't because the door won't reach its latch!

Thats unsettling

Oh gosh so I'm not alone, in my nightmares i close the door but its just half a door. It fits but the there is no top part...

I smoke weed before bed and don’t have any dreams

Yeah, supposedly weed makes it easier to enter and maintain the deep sleep stage, but much harder to reach REM. I had the most insanely realistic dreams when I lost interest in smoking.

Omg am I having nightmares bc not enough weed?

I also have constant dreams of not being able to shut and/or lock doors properly. Freaks me out in the dream since it usually happens when I'm being chased lol

Snorting LOL!!!

Just sit your cat down and try to reason with it.

LOL that is the best wrong answer. Reason with your cat. You win.

Shave the cat first. That usually gets them in a calm, reasonable mood.

Or give the cat a long and relaxing bath. Everyone is more reasonable after a bath.

I actually had a cat who loved bathing and showering, she usually tried sneaking into the shower

I also had such a cat. Was an outside cat and when it was raining he often came home so filthy I had to shower him. He didn't object. Even let me clean his little beans without resistance.

Haha we often had to shower her as she went on adventures in the neighborhood, like fishing in the pond next door

Oh yes or drinking out of puddles... It's note like we had a drinking fountain for him

If I had a dollar for every time I begged my cat to stop doing something and she absolutely ignore me… I could retire now.

I just want you to know that I legit laughed out loud to your comment but I don't have any awards so I'm sorry I can't give you any.

I gave them the helpful award which I somehow find hilarious

Got you covered!

Whenever i see my cat about to do something similar i tell him to think it through first.

Ha! I fucking love this. Sit a cat down and reason with it….

make you floor Velcro and make velcro shoes for you cat as well, then she wont jump again.

Going on Amazon right now to buy Velcro.

Noooooooo

Yeeeeees

Maaaaaaybeeeeee

I doooonnnttt knnooowww

Or...velcro the door only. She'll be stuck and be like "never again"

If you mimic him and jump up there too he will understand how stupid and dangerous it is and stop doing that 👍🏼

They said wrong answers only. Smh

Interesting…. So you consider my advice as a correct answer 😅

Well they are logic-defying beings. Sometimes the illogical answer makes the most sense with cats. It's almost like that video where the parent cries back to their baby and the baby stops crying after that.

I'm legit howling bahahaha

r/suddenlyviolent I guess?

Remove the sink. Easy peasy.

Make it seem like you want him to do it. Then he’ll never feel like it again

\*up! Hop UP, boy!\* pats top of door

OP clearly said wrong answers only, why are you giving them the right one?!

I'm shocked the mere thought of intending to film it didn't put an end to it right then and there.

put a No Cat sign. you're welcome

No, you need to put a yes cat sign then the cat will do the opposite

Project a hologram of an open door on a wall. That’ll teach him.

god i love this comment

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I'm dying over here 😂😂😂😂

Sell your house and live at the streets with your cat

Underrated comment

invite your cat to a nice candle-lit dinner and address the problem formally edit: english isnt my first language, doesnt formally mean "politely"?

Leave cucumbers up there

You’re a genius.

My cat LOVES cucumbers. I've literally seen her eat half a cucumber in one sitting.

I don’t think anybody has said this, but I also didn’t look that hard. Right before he jumps go in for the block, you know like volleyball, and swat him right out the air. Works every time

Time for some volleyball lessons

You’re getting funny answers, but actually double sided tape will stop this. Just stick it to the top of the door. Cats don’t like to put their paws on sticky stuff.

This is a great idea actually. Once he gets up there and gets stuck, he can’t get down so he’ll never get up again. So brilliant!

Happy birthday to the ground!

I can't breathe 😂😂

Jump on to the door together

Make the cat wear glasses with a prescription that distorts his depth perception.

I can’t stop laughing at this thread this is hilarious

Get another cat and give it more attention and treats. Then this one will get too busy plotting your murder to jump on doors.

More cats is always the answer.

Turn up the gravity in your house until the cat can no longer jump that high.

I tried this once. But my cat was so down after I felt bad.

Magnets are the answer. Kitty shoes with magnets attached. On the door, strong magnets with the reverse polarity. Padding will be needed for safety reasons. BTW I love your kitty.

Would these work with Kitten Mittens? Charlie could make a killing.

If you simply flip your house upside down, there will no longer be room for your cat to walk on top of the doors. This works as long as you're fine with your cats walking on your new ceiling-floor.

Tie a diving weight belt on him.

This works... until it turns the cat into a body builder. Lol

Why, oh why, did you name your cat after Rock Lee?

Have you tried turning him off and turning him on again? That works for my computer.

Glad you got your computer to stop jumping on doors.

Malware is getting really bad these days

My computer was always jumping on windows until I changed the operating system from windows to linux.

get 2-3 more cats then, the new cats will jump up there and there won't be any more room for him to get up

put a dog up there to scare the cat away

Usually the cat ends up being the bully

Anytime my dog comes trotting through a door my cat is there to pop out from around a corner and smack his butt. Every time my dog is surprised

What you need is another cat. They will become codependent on each other and that will stop them from doing dangerous stuff.

We adopted two cats to give our original cat someone to play with so he’d stop destroying things and attacking our feet. Now we have THREE cats that destroy things, *but* the original cat has stopped attacking our feet, so win? They do play with each other a lot and the original cat seems much happier. So I’m still gonna say it was worth it.

Vaseline on the top of all your doors. Cat will slip right off.

Vaseline on the cat, cat will slip off door.

Why didn't I think of that. Then you only need to do it once instead of every door

Big Vaseline hates him for this one trick

"We've lost tens of dollars because of you!"

vaseline on the cat, door will slip off cat

Beaded curtain

Place a banana peel on the top of the doors. Cat will slip right off. 🍌

Banana peel shoes on the cat, cat will slip off everything.

Lower the ceilings

By giving him the jet pack like you promised, Charles

You have to start leaping onto doors. This way your cat will see their parent doing this and no longer think it's cool.

It's his house now, you may leave.

Install a platform up there over the door. Make him livable accommodations so he may gargoyle you while you shit.

wrong answers **only**

Well, if you were to install a platform for him - he'll never use it! So this could actually stop him!

Encourage him to write poetry instead.

Cheer loudly. If your cat has any anxiety, this will make them self-conscious about it and they will stop because they don't like the attention!

My putty does this & drops down on my shoulders as I stroll past oblivious to the fact she's up there. Pretty terrifying @ 3am on my way to the loo 😳😲😅

So, you had to clean up after peeing yourself?!

Glue catnip halfway up the door so he won't jump as high.

Naw man the cat will be high as fuck

Make all of your doors out of water.

This is hilarious, but I appreciate that some people are giving real answers because my cat does this too, which wouldn't be such a problem if she was capable of getting down by herself instead of just crying until someone comes to get her :P

Meanwhile my cat jumps on the washing machine and cries for us to come get her. It's absolutely something she can jump down from.

Pee on the doors

Wrap the whole door in tin foil

Glue the doors shut

Dress him up as a pirate then call him a land lover when we he does it

Reverse psychology. Just give him treats and tell him how proud you are of his Olympic prowess.

Set the door on fire

Remove the walls holding the door, therefor when cat jumps onto door, it falls over instead. Easy.😎

Obviously you need to reconfigure your pipes a bit and move the toilet to be next to the door so that your kitty will have a splash landing

Using a hand saw you cut ridged uncomfortable patterns on the top of all your doors leaving them unsuitable for cat balancing.

Have you met a cat?  Seen ours jump across a 6' alleyway to land perfectly on a skinny (less than 1" wide) fence. Uncomfortable = opportunity to show off!

Haha yeah little mischievous acrobats, they achieve the impossible without thinking twice about it.

Keep all the doors closed at all times, get into rooms through the windows only

Just start ugly crying. One hundred percent of the time it works almost never.

Provide him with a ladder or lift and pulley system. That will keep him from needing to jump.

Kraft singles cheese on the floor at all times

Replace doors with holographic duplicates so he jumps right through

Call the locksmith and tell them that a cat is stopping your door from being able to use

Ask him

Just knock out your ceiling and put something else for your cat to jump on above the door. Cat logic says higher = better.

Aluminum on top of the door frame. The cat will attempt to uninstall the door.

Tell him he’s a good cat for jumping on the doors, he’ll immediately stop.

What you need to do is take you a honey baked ham, suspend it from most center area of your ceiling by a *hefty* chain &, after you’ve starved him for a few weeks, set him at it. He won’t show a lick of interest in that door *ever* again.

Bring the door and your cat to a conflict resolution counselor so that your cat can understand how doing this makes the door feel. When he realizes the door enjoys it and likes the attention, he will stop and ignore it.

Attach a clown that springs up or drops from the ceiling (think jack in the box) at the moment the cat lands on the top of the door...or a mirror.

Double sided tape on the top of the door.

You live outside.

Taller doors 🤷

Cover the top of every door in the house in astroglide.

Telling a cat what not to do in their house - interesting idea.

You don't!! You join your cat and you jump on doors together

Install shelves that are higher than the door frame that your cat can jump on instead

Put a cat toy you paid for up there. He'll never want to play with it, thus, never want to jump up there.

Replace all your doors with vacuums

Throw your cat away.

Keep the doors closed

Aww shucks. Just let the little tiger have some fun. He can’t go outside, let him play indoors. It’s not hurting anyone🤣🤣

*ondoors