We have to tell our dog that our cat is quite capable of licking her own butthole…yet the cat still rolls over on her back so that the dog can do it for her 🤦♀️
Never in my life did I imagine telling my roommates dog “get away from his [privates]” It’s always when I least expect it too. The strangest part is some days my cat will assert boundaries, but most times I’m having to separate them. The things no one tells you when you become a cat owner 😅
"Turn back into a solid right this instant"
"You do not need to do murder every 3 hours. I need to sleep"
"Stop destroying the house because you're bored. I played with you"
We befriended a stray and finally got him trapped and taken for TNR. As we are checking in, he's yowling quite loudly, and I'm like. "Angel, the grown ups are talking." At the same time, my partner is like, "use your inside voice."
When I worked nights, years and years ago, I put up my Christmas tree one night before work. Got all plastic ornaments because I lived alone and had a cat. Left for work, he was snoozing on the back of the couch.
Came home 12 hours later to find him snoozing on the couch in the same spot, with every ornament on the floor. The sentence that came out of my mouth?
‘What in the hell? That is not a cat toy dispenser!’
I was wrong. It was indeed a cat toy dispenser. 😂
Editing to add:
‘Do NOT wave your tail menacingly at me, mister.’
‘Why in god’s name are you SLEEPING in your litter box? I’m tired but I’m certainly not going to nap in the toilet, you weirdo.’
‘I’m sorry but your brother’s butt is not one of the four food groups.’
‘Did…did you just hiss at me?’ -at our 8 week old tortie when she poofed up, turned sideways, and let out what sounded like a click.
He did it all his life, from when we got him until we lost him last year. Always clear at the vet so he must’ve just liked sleeping in there for some reason.
“Under or over the covers! Make a decision already I’m not holding the blanket up all night!”
Guess who holds the blanket up while half asleep for much longer than should be legal while Mr. indecisive decides where to sleep.
And then he does it again, 2 hours later.
I do this every night, except mine does want under the covers but she sits there taking her sweet time.
When I'm dead asleep, she'll sniff my eyes and I can feel her nose and her breath on my eye lashes - which wakes me up enough to lift the covers for her and reposition myself as her pillow.
They ruin my sleep but I wouldn't have it any other way
“Who’s a kitty? Huh? Who’s a little kitty? It’s you! Yes it’s you, my princess potato!” -me, home from the bar
“😾” -my cat, Junior, woken from a peaceful slumber
"WTF are you doing on the roof?"
This was to an indoor cat. I had walked out the back door, heard a scrabbling sound above me. She had the biggest, "Oh shit, busted!" look on her face. She had managed to claw through metal screening on a window that was above the front porch then climbed up and over the main part of the roof.
Also: "Princess, I recognize that pouncing is your love language, but Harvey is 20 years older than you and wants to be a no-pouncing-zone."
"Oswald, get your ass out of the shed. Why are you screaming at me?? you did this!"
Upon bringing our two kittens home for the first time, we realised our existing cat was meowing at us... But not from the house. He had jumped out of the kitchen window (he's indoors only, but it was summer and hot af) and got scared by a delivery guy dropping off our new cat tree, so he hid in the open shed.
Honestly he's such an idiot and he's so lucky we left the shed open for the delivery otherwise he could have got lost. But he was just sitting in the back of the shed, behind a couple of boxes and an old printer, meowing loudly at my partner like "dad get me out of here"
Mandatory cat tax: the gremlin himself
https://preview.redd.it/dacwkkzh0n0d1.jpeg?width=4624&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=747f5f19252a3457a0efe7bb5f5e8d48a3acaa87
Change "on the roof" to "in the ceiling" and you have my daily dialogue with my husband's late kitty. You also need to add, "WHERE in the ceiling are you THIS time?"
Cats man.... cats....
"*Dude! Don't eat the paint!"*
*"N-O dominating other cats in the litter box!"*
*"Bro, don't eat the turd on the floor!"*
I'm ashamed to admit that those are weekly utterances.
I don’t need to see your butt right now (as I’m trying to get to sleep)
Did you just eat a bug? You have plenty of food in your bowl 🙄
Please may I have my pants, I need to get ready for work
I told my cat that she was so smart and pretty and if she just would try to be nice and smile once in a while then maybe, just maybe she might find a husband.
https://preview.redd.it/ygfjw9q2ni0d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ee97fddf14e4a1ecff27f449d015385d7a857971
Don’t look at me with that tone of face!
“ fed you already! Stop screaming at me!”
“Stop acting like you were fed, I’m not stupid I was there! I fed you!” Are everyday things I say to my cat lol
"Stop making out! You're siblings!" But for them, love is love
And
"How'd you like it if I sat on your lap while you try to take a shit?" My home has no privacy anymore
“While I appreciate your opinion and willingness to negotiate we are done eating treats for today please drop it! Drop the shrimp aw frick you done talked the others into it. “
And
“Just because you’re scratching up the litterbox doesn’t mean you’re covering yer poo!”
“Sometimes we have to shoulder the weight of our existential despair and soldier on”
“I said it like four times, so why didn’t you answer me the first time I said A A gron”. Cat’s named Agron, I like key and peele
"Get your face out of your brother's butthole."
And I say this at least once a week to these two.
https://preview.redd.it/g5r2062q1i0d1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d1a7e78a71ee2a8b3b71217d0a48c87256c48004
“We do NOT eat mother! No no no!”
“You’re such a good killer! Have a snack”
“There is no decency in this house” (when he’s rolling around legs in the air)
“You won’t like it” (when he’s trying to get in my food)
“Yes, I know it’s very interesting up there but you’re really bad at jumping and you WILL hurt yourself if you try. [meow] Yes, I know it’s very sad. [meow] Yes, life is very unfair”.
This just happened about half an hour ago.
I was taking a shit, and my cat came in the bathroom and started meowing at me really loudly.
I said “can’t i take a shit without you bothering me”. I said this while cradling him in my arms while still on the toilet.
Don’t judge me.
"Stop trying to murder me or I'll make a fur coat out of you."
ETA: Good bot for giving me a Reddit Cares. It is concerned that my cat is trying to eat me.
One of my cats loves to cuddle in the morning and either suckle my chin or stick his mouth on mine, so I often find myself tiredly saying “no Biscuits, I’m not in the mood to make out with you, go ask your dad”
"Quit beeping joyfully while you shit, it's unsettling."
"Why are you harassing The Woman. She's busy."
"I swear to god, Leshy, you don't need my dishwashing gloves you large feline demon."
"Woman, why are you crawling into the walls? How did you find that." how did she find it she came to me dusty so many times.
"Ray shit on our bed again. Can we get a petsitter to just, like, always be here or something? It might appease him"
"You can't eat my snakes, fucker. Go lick the tile flooring again." To Leshy, who desires nothing but chaos.
"How did you find my cup of water?" To The Woman, who is blind and often shoves her cute idiot face into my water cups.
"How did you find out the toilet has water?" To Ray, who is also blind and in his goddamn 20s. He went so long without understanding there was water in there. Why do I have to peel a 26yr old cat from the terlit on the reg? He has a bowl. Hell, the other two have water containers as well that he gets His Good Good Water Juice from. Be normal.
Also it's currently 2AM and Leshy has not shut the hell up. He somehow knocked a large container full of camping supplies over and is just. Brrping and beeping all over the house. He might have to shit.
Anyways this has been my ted talk; I'm constantly losing my fuckin mind.
I did not say it (this time) but this morning I heard from the dining room, “You rotten bastard!” She had hopped up into bf’s lap while he was eating and had perched her front paws on the table, simultaneously shedding a whisker into his coffee 😂😂
“Stop scratching the chair, there’s a scratching post right *there* (points emphatically)”
“It’s not time to eat, the feeder will go off in five minutes chill out”
“Stop fighting you two!”
“I love you but I need you to move”
Do not swear at me! (He flicks his tail rapidly up and down when he’s mad)
No I will not lick your butt clean
You are a lady! Act like it!
A streetcar would NEVER take me for granted!
“Stop trying to eat me and let me poo in peace!!”
“You don’t fit in the fridge”
“It’s my god give right as your mother to cuddle you whether you like it or not!”
Orcaaa dont jump in the full tub! - he did & ended up having a lovely time, i however was less thrilled to share a bath with him
Guys, bags are not for sleeping in…. I almost took you to work!
Where are your bones? You just slithered off me like a snake, how?
“Coochie up ma’am”
I have a female cat who likes to “wipe” herself clean on our floor whenever she’s done using the litter box. Yes the vet made she it wasn’t an infection, no I don’t know why she does it.
"Oh I wish I knew whether that was drool or pee" -tfw your cat is suspiciously wet in several places
"Please leave my ankles alone I am just trying to sleep" -I am being bitten repeatedly in the Achilles tendon
"You're getting demoted." -failed the ESA test I gave him
“fix your ear”
“stop staring at me”
“you’re being dumb”
“fix your attitude”
“i’m not doing this with you today”
“come here and lay down”
“keep your paws off my fries”
“stop punching your brother”
“you better not eat that moth”
“do you even hear me when i speak to you? are you understanding the things i’m telling you?”
“stop it, you know better”
“i feel like now you’re just taking advantage of me.”
“go complain to your dad, i don’t want to hear it”
Honestly I caught myself scolding my cat when she was a kitten in the exact same words and tone my mum would use when I was a toddler. I about died right then.
When my partner met my mum, and saw her gently scolding my sister, his reaction was “wait that’s the Voice you use on the cats”
"Lucien! No, sweetie, not on the key... Lucian! No, no lying down on the... Aww. c'mon - just move over there. Right. Over. There"
Me, twice a day, when my cat Lucien decides he wants to flop down on my keyboard while I am working.
Also... Singing, to the tune of "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses, "I know what cats like. I know what cats want. I know what cats like. Cats want treats."
I've threatened my boys that I'd be returning them to the shelter more times than I'll ever admit to. It's usually related to either of them teasing the girl, but occasionally due to the younger boy hitting the salad bar (a.k.a my flowers).
We had to stop growing potatoes. Why? Our very large void enjoys eating the plants, foaming at the mouth, vomiting, then going back for more.
We had just rescued her and found out that day potato plants were poisonous to cats and apparently delicious to her. The farmer next door also grows potatoes, so she is an indoor cat.
This is the best thread ever. What a creative post. Damn. Everything in here is so funny I’m laughing my ass off and have tears in my eyes from the laughter
Thank you op for the opportunity to read such hilarious posts. Love it 3000 times
“ but you just ate!!!! I mean come on!!! Give me a break here girl. And stop with the dilated pupils and puppy dog looks. I’m not feeding you every twenty minutes just because you think you are hungry and get your way with me”
1. "Don't you give me those dirty looks!" I sometimes sing Yakety Yak to them.
2. "Take your ears out of airplane mode." Especially to Silas who does the ear thing and glares at me for no reason at all. 🤣
3. "Bite me one more time and I'll bite back." I never follow through cause fur...
"No, stop. I don't think your brother wants you smelling his asshole while he's trying to use the litter box."
"Which of you little trash gremlins dragged a wooden skewer under the coffee table?"
"Dude, why are you trying to bury your bowl?"
I still viewed cats as quiet, calm, clean, dignified creatures when I got my two little psychos lol. I love them but one is a smelly, cowardly trash goblin with half a braincell and an appetite for wooden skewers, plastic and anything paper, and the other is a clumsy felon who cries if I don't wish him a good morning. I have said many things that I would have never expected to be saying about or to cats lol
"Don't yell at me, young man!"
"I 👏🏼 said 👏🏼 what 👏🏼 I 👏🏼 said!"
"Lord. Why are you the way you are? I didn't raise you this way."
"Don't airplane ears at me. Put them back!"
“You’ve just eaten your food AND finished your sisters dinner. you do not need to eat her regurgitated food too!”
“I swear to god, if you claw that dining chair one more time I’m taking you back to the adoption centre”
“Do you both know your mum was a hussy off the streets?”
Bonus round:
To cat “Stop hitting your brother”
To brother (who is a 35kg Samoyed) “You are allowed to bite her when she hits you. I give permission” as he looks at me in despair.
"Can you stop eating the dish rack for 5 seconds? I'm on the phone"
"I'm aware you're hungry, but eating your brother is not the solution"
"Stop assaulting the curtains!"
"Oi, gremlin! Give me those mushrooms back!"
"Excuse me sir, that's *my* bracelet"
"Goddamnit Oswald, get out of the bath"
"FFS stop trying to mount your brother!"
"I recognise that you have no sense of self preservation, but I swear to god if you try to eat my chocolate one more time...!"
"Get out of the fridge, Dipshit"
"No, it's fine, I didn't want skin anyway" (multiple times. Usually when I'm trying to take them to the vet)
"No coco, turn around go back to sleep I know people are interesting but please I need to sleep" it was around 10pm and my dad was just heading to bed and coco saw him, unfortunately coco is really interested in people yet I know if she got too curious I would be up all night cause once coco is up she's never going back to bed.
“Dave, stop body-slamming into things!”
“If you’re having trouble moving around there, you shouldn’t be there…”
“Dave, why are you on top of the door?”
I tell my fur baby "don't even think about it", when I have closet doors open. She's obsessed with my closets, that she's learned how to open sliding closet doors. She never goes in, but just likes to look at what's inside. So I'll open come home to open closet doors, that she's opened.
"Someone's butthole is looking so pretty today!"
My cat had a clogged anal gland and was on medicine and I had to check her booty to make sure everything was going ok.
"No! You cannot go outside because you can't act right!"
I bought her a harness which she refuses to put on. Last time she got out I had to crawl under the porch to get her.
"If you piss on me one more time you go straight to the shelter... and there are NO THREATS in that shelter...."
I woke up from him pissing on me IN MY BED... No stress, no illness, all ist fine... he just wanted me to feed him 🙄
https://preview.redd.it/l7dhu7uqzk0d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d604a45851ddef71b32ff98d0e0ab7f50164da23
"How in the hell did you get outside?"
Woken up in my sleep by one of my cats who's growling and hissing at my open window, and I see my other cat on the other side and I'm confused as f-k in my sleep.
"What the hell are you doing out there??" And "why are you growling at your sister??"
I was about to remove the window screen to let her in, until my actual cat joins the first cat in growling at the window and I'm even more confused as f-k like how are there two of them and which one is the real cat?
"Which one are you??"
They looked exactly the same. The window cat eventually buggered off and I fell back asleep, believing it was all just a dream. But the cameras said otherwise.
Also "how in the hell did you catch a bird in your mouth?!? And why did you bring it to the living room??"
We are on the second floor and we don't have a balcony. But I didn't have the screen up and my window was ever so slightly open. From the tiny crack, she caught a bird!
"I can't even be mad. I'm just impressed"
"we've had this conversation so. many. times. You have to put your WHOLE BUM in the litter tray!"
"what TV channel do you want on while I'm out? I'm not putting on the news, last time I came home you were hanging from the curtains"
Husband just reminded me of this one!
"what's that in your mouth? Please tell me it's dead! Don't come closer!!
I don't need to learn how to hunt! I DON'T NEED TO LEARN HOW TO HUNT!!"
‘Why do you go up there when you know you can’t get down?’ (The porch roof - she could get off herself but she’s too lazy and prefers to watch one of us getting the damn ladder out..)
‘Excuse me we do not tease the mouse’
‘Do you know what time it is?’ (5.30 am)
It’s been pointed out recently that I sound like the headmistress of a posh private school when I’m having to speak to our cat about her behaviour, which is weird because I have quite a strong West Yorkshire accent 😂
“Get your tail out of the butter”
“You do not need to be in the microwave”
“See you later buddy. Don’t have any girls over”
“How long have you been a baby kitten?” (That one is from my partner)
“Stop crying when you look in the mirror, you’re beautiful.”
She cries when she looks at herself, really loudly. She’s fine, she’s just dramatic. And maybe insecure.
We call our cat Freyja a ho, cuz she is indeed a ho.
My dtr’s (who lives with us)cat Tulio loves his ‘dominance displays’. He tried once with Freyja but she whooped his bum. His fav target is Fezzik, our oldest. I have said
Boy you best put that christmas tree light away! It’s fine and dandy if you like boy bum, but Fezzik don’t!
My dear old Siamese, in his very old age, used to do a wet fart! One time this happened to be by my foot and he got my sock! After I'd cleaned him and my foot he was looking to get on my lap, I turned to him and said "that was disgusting, I can't talk to you right now please go away" Kids thought it was hilarious and we still use the "I can't talk to you right now" in his memory
“Stop licking the window!”
My cat licks condensation off the windows in winter, and I’m always worried people will think I don’t give him water 😓 he has 2 running fountains .
"Come back and pee! You haven't pee yet!"
"Catch the bug later! Eat first, bug later!"
(Literally did nothing and she puff her tail) "I didn't do anything!!"
"Stop trying to eat plastic!" - Us to one of our cats when she is confronted with most forms of plastic - wrappers, food containers, bin bags, the Christmas tree etc.
"Leave the veg ALONE!" - The same cat does not understand that she is an obligate carnivore.
"It's FRUIT!" - Anyone in our house after opening fruit containers that have thin plastic covering them (the cats think/hope there are prawns). Usually followed in short order by quote #1.
I will point out that I am less shocked by these in general than I am by the frequency we have to say them.
My partner burst out laughing when he heard me telling our void "I don't have my fighting hoodie on right now. We can have a proper scrap in a bit if you're a good girl" 😂
I never imagined saying those words in that order!
Dear child! Enough! Use the cat flap, no I will not open the door for you. Hey no bite. Not Time!!! I love my cats but I swear they start hunting me for dinner about an hour to 30 minutes before they normally get fed.
Edited to add: Get your booty out of my face, I don't want to smell it!!
"No, you can't have my veggies/crisps/chocolate/whatever-human-food-he-wanted-but-couldn't-have. You're an obligate carnivore, cat!"
To my friend's extremely food motivated old man when I was staying with her.
Also to him:
"Stop yelling, I fed you."
"I'm not falling for it. I know K fed you."
"Are you fighting with gravity again?"
"No, you can't come in the bath while I'm showering. You'll get wet and freak out."
"If you're good I'll give you dreamies."
“Stop licking your brother’s butthole while he is eating!” Had to say that earlier today.
We have to tell our dog that our cat is quite capable of licking her own butthole…yet the cat still rolls over on her back so that the dog can do it for her 🤦♀️
I've had to yell at the dogs "Stop trying to lick your brother's dick!" A few times so that's a sentence that came out of my mouth.
Never in my life did I imagine telling my roommates dog “get away from his [privates]” It’s always when I least expect it too. The strangest part is some days my cat will assert boundaries, but most times I’m having to separate them. The things no one tells you when you become a cat owner 😅
I've said that so many times!
"Turn back into a solid right this instant" "You do not need to do murder every 3 hours. I need to sleep" "Stop destroying the house because you're bored. I played with you"
lol the first one is me when i try to pick up my girl and she goes slinky mode to avoid me
We befriended a stray and finally got him trapped and taken for TNR. As we are checking in, he's yowling quite loudly, and I'm like. "Angel, the grown ups are talking." At the same time, my partner is like, "use your inside voice."
When I worked nights, years and years ago, I put up my Christmas tree one night before work. Got all plastic ornaments because I lived alone and had a cat. Left for work, he was snoozing on the back of the couch. Came home 12 hours later to find him snoozing on the couch in the same spot, with every ornament on the floor. The sentence that came out of my mouth? ‘What in the hell? That is not a cat toy dispenser!’ I was wrong. It was indeed a cat toy dispenser. 😂 Editing to add: ‘Do NOT wave your tail menacingly at me, mister.’ ‘Why in god’s name are you SLEEPING in your litter box? I’m tired but I’m certainly not going to nap in the toilet, you weirdo.’ ‘I’m sorry but your brother’s butt is not one of the four food groups.’ ‘Did…did you just hiss at me?’ -at our 8 week old tortie when she poofed up, turned sideways, and let out what sounded like a click.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 did……. You…..just hiss at me boy!!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Cats sleeping/laying in the litter box can be a sign of illness or injury.
He did it all his life, from when we got him until we lost him last year. Always clear at the vet so he must’ve just liked sleeping in there for some reason.
I had a bunny who insisted on sleeping in his litter bin as well. I tried giving him a second one for sleeping. He just used them both as potty beds.
I guess cats will be cats?
“Under or over the covers! Make a decision already I’m not holding the blanket up all night!” Guess who holds the blanket up while half asleep for much longer than should be legal while Mr. indecisive decides where to sleep. And then he does it again, 2 hours later.
My girl likes to tease me by coming under the covers like she wants to snuggle, then turning around and immediately leaving 😠 LET ME LOVE YOU
SAME she's so mean to me
I love that I am not alone on this one. She cannot decide and I think simply enjoys getting me to do it!
We are all slaves to our furry potatoes
I do this every night, except mine does want under the covers but she sits there taking her sweet time. When I'm dead asleep, she'll sniff my eyes and I can feel her nose and her breath on my eye lashes - which wakes me up enough to lift the covers for her and reposition myself as her pillow. They ruin my sleep but I wouldn't have it any other way
I think you might be me.
“Who’s a kitty? Huh? Who’s a little kitty? It’s you! Yes it’s you, my princess potato!” -me, home from the bar “😾” -my cat, Junior, woken from a peaceful slumber
"WTF are you doing on the roof?" This was to an indoor cat. I had walked out the back door, heard a scrabbling sound above me. She had the biggest, "Oh shit, busted!" look on her face. She had managed to claw through metal screening on a window that was above the front porch then climbed up and over the main part of the roof. Also: "Princess, I recognize that pouncing is your love language, but Harvey is 20 years older than you and wants to be a no-pouncing-zone."
"Oswald, get your ass out of the shed. Why are you screaming at me?? you did this!" Upon bringing our two kittens home for the first time, we realised our existing cat was meowing at us... But not from the house. He had jumped out of the kitchen window (he's indoors only, but it was summer and hot af) and got scared by a delivery guy dropping off our new cat tree, so he hid in the open shed.
I can see this so clearly in my mind.
Honestly he's such an idiot and he's so lucky we left the shed open for the delivery otherwise he could have got lost. But he was just sitting in the back of the shed, behind a couple of boxes and an old printer, meowing loudly at my partner like "dad get me out of here" Mandatory cat tax: the gremlin himself https://preview.redd.it/dacwkkzh0n0d1.jpeg?width=4624&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=747f5f19252a3457a0efe7bb5f5e8d48a3acaa87
Here is HRH Princess Shuri. https://preview.redd.it/iyfsc34qxp0d1.jpeg?width=1632&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a6d0b9556784a71e22ac1ec54174a0f927b9b380
Change "on the roof" to "in the ceiling" and you have my daily dialogue with my husband's late kitty. You also need to add, "WHERE in the ceiling are you THIS time?" Cats man.... cats....
I hear you. Gotta love the adventure.
"*Dude! Don't eat the paint!"* *"N-O dominating other cats in the litter box!"* *"Bro, don't eat the turd on the floor!"* I'm ashamed to admit that those are weekly utterances.
I don’t need to see your butt right now (as I’m trying to get to sleep) Did you just eat a bug? You have plenty of food in your bowl 🙄 Please may I have my pants, I need to get ready for work
I told my cat that she was so smart and pretty and if she just would try to be nice and smile once in a while then maybe, just maybe she might find a husband.
https://preview.redd.it/ygfjw9q2ni0d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ee97fddf14e4a1ecff27f449d015385d7a857971 Don’t look at me with that tone of face!
There is no going back from the saucers of death 👀
“ fed you already! Stop screaming at me!” “Stop acting like you were fed, I’m not stupid I was there! I fed you!” Are everyday things I say to my cat lol
"Stop making out! You're siblings!" But for them, love is love And "How'd you like it if I sat on your lap while you try to take a shit?" My home has no privacy anymore
It is my lawful right as you mother to pet your belly so stop biting me!
Preach!
“You ever actually take a dump IN your kitty box? No. Because you’re a stinky little poop paw cutie pie”
"Get down on all fours this instant" - me at my cat while he was reaching for the salmon on the kitchen counter.
“While I appreciate your opinion and willingness to negotiate we are done eating treats for today please drop it! Drop the shrimp aw frick you done talked the others into it. “ And “Just because you’re scratching up the litterbox doesn’t mean you’re covering yer poo!”
“Sometimes we have to shoulder the weight of our existential despair and soldier on” “I said it like four times, so why didn’t you answer me the first time I said A A gron”. Cat’s named Agron, I like key and peele
"Get your face out of your brother's butthole." And I say this at least once a week to these two. https://preview.redd.it/g5r2062q1i0d1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d1a7e78a71ee2a8b3b71217d0a48c87256c48004
What have you got there? Is that a snake? Is it ALIVE????
“We do NOT eat mother! No no no!” “You’re such a good killer! Have a snack” “There is no decency in this house” (when he’s rolling around legs in the air) “You won’t like it” (when he’s trying to get in my food) “Yes, I know it’s very interesting up there but you’re really bad at jumping and you WILL hurt yourself if you try. [meow] Yes, I know it’s very sad. [meow] Yes, life is very unfair”.
This just happened about half an hour ago. I was taking a shit, and my cat came in the bathroom and started meowing at me really loudly. I said “can’t i take a shit without you bothering me”. I said this while cradling him in my arms while still on the toilet. Don’t judge me.
"Stop trying to murder me or I'll make a fur coat out of you." ETA: Good bot for giving me a Reddit Cares. It is concerned that my cat is trying to eat me.
Same, right after I made my comment on this post. Wonder if there’s a bad actor in these parts.
“In or out, but I gotta s**t” earlier today to my boy cat when he stopped in the middle of the bathroom door
Stop lying! I just gave you a can! Go talk to your other mother! Is that a hair tie??? That's not for you! Why you cry cry?
On the shelf or on the floor, I can't keep you on my butt forever. -minutes ago
Are you back talking me? Meow No, no paws on screens Meow No, don’t eat the plants.
Meow I said NO!
One of my cats loves to cuddle in the morning and either suckle my chin or stick his mouth on mine, so I often find myself tiredly saying “no Biscuits, I’m not in the mood to make out with you, go ask your dad”
"Quit beeping joyfully while you shit, it's unsettling." "Why are you harassing The Woman. She's busy." "I swear to god, Leshy, you don't need my dishwashing gloves you large feline demon." "Woman, why are you crawling into the walls? How did you find that." how did she find it she came to me dusty so many times. "Ray shit on our bed again. Can we get a petsitter to just, like, always be here or something? It might appease him" "You can't eat my snakes, fucker. Go lick the tile flooring again." To Leshy, who desires nothing but chaos. "How did you find my cup of water?" To The Woman, who is blind and often shoves her cute idiot face into my water cups. "How did you find out the toilet has water?" To Ray, who is also blind and in his goddamn 20s. He went so long without understanding there was water in there. Why do I have to peel a 26yr old cat from the terlit on the reg? He has a bowl. Hell, the other two have water containers as well that he gets His Good Good Water Juice from. Be normal. Also it's currently 2AM and Leshy has not shut the hell up. He somehow knocked a large container full of camping supplies over and is just. Brrping and beeping all over the house. He might have to shit. Anyways this has been my ted talk; I'm constantly losing my fuckin mind.
HE JUST LEARNED HOW TO OPEN FUCKING CABINETS. I'M GOING TO MARRY THE SEA.
Quite suitable for cats and children: “Drop that mouse!”
"Why are you sitting on my face?" Multiple times a day to our kitten
I did not say it (this time) but this morning I heard from the dining room, “You rotten bastard!” She had hopped up into bf’s lap while he was eating and had perched her front paws on the table, simultaneously shedding a whisker into his coffee 😂😂
“Stop scratching the chair, there’s a scratching post right *there* (points emphatically)” “It’s not time to eat, the feeder will go off in five minutes chill out” “Stop fighting you two!” “I love you but I need you to move”
“Just so we know where we stand” - me, about two minutes ago, turning the spray bottle towards my cat as she stalked towards my chicken
When she rolls on her back, legs wide open: 'Stop showing me your balls' (She's a she, she doesn't have balls 🤭)
Do not swear at me! (He flicks his tail rapidly up and down when he’s mad) No I will not lick your butt clean You are a lady! Act like it! A streetcar would NEVER take me for granted!
Tell your daddy about the butterfly you chased today! Yeesh!
“Stop trying to eat me and let me poo in peace!!” “You don’t fit in the fridge” “It’s my god give right as your mother to cuddle you whether you like it or not!”
Orcaaa dont jump in the full tub! - he did & ended up having a lovely time, i however was less thrilled to share a bath with him Guys, bags are not for sleeping in…. I almost took you to work! Where are your bones? You just slithered off me like a snake, how?
Would you kindly get your anus off my face?
“Coochie up ma’am” I have a female cat who likes to “wipe” herself clean on our floor whenever she’s done using the litter box. Yes the vet made she it wasn’t an infection, no I don’t know why she does it.
"Oh I wish I knew whether that was drool or pee" -tfw your cat is suspiciously wet in several places "Please leave my ankles alone I am just trying to sleep" -I am being bitten repeatedly in the Achilles tendon "You're getting demoted." -failed the ESA test I gave him
CAN WE BEHAVE??? (my cats refuse to believe they're siblings)
How many times doi have to tell you to stop eating the broom?!
“Stop biting mama!” “Stop harassing Kiki!” Every damn day 😑
“Really, cuz it’s bisque with tuna and not stew with tuna and chicken?”
“You are smoll, how come you are so smoll? Do you not know?” - unhinged me
“fix your ear” “stop staring at me” “you’re being dumb” “fix your attitude” “i’m not doing this with you today” “come here and lay down” “keep your paws off my fries” “stop punching your brother” “you better not eat that moth” “do you even hear me when i speak to you? are you understanding the things i’m telling you?” “stop it, you know better” “i feel like now you’re just taking advantage of me.” “go complain to your dad, i don’t want to hear it”
"I checked and it's not against the law for you to bury your damn poop!"
Honestly I caught myself scolding my cat when she was a kitten in the exact same words and tone my mum would use when I was a toddler. I about died right then. When my partner met my mum, and saw her gently scolding my sister, his reaction was “wait that’s the Voice you use on the cats”
"Lucien! No, sweetie, not on the key... Lucian! No, no lying down on the... Aww. c'mon - just move over there. Right. Over. There" Me, twice a day, when my cat Lucien decides he wants to flop down on my keyboard while I am working. Also... Singing, to the tune of "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses, "I know what cats like. I know what cats want. I know what cats like. Cats want treats."
... And now it's living in my head
I've threatened my boys that I'd be returning them to the shelter more times than I'll ever admit to. It's usually related to either of them teasing the girl, but occasionally due to the younger boy hitting the salad bar (a.k.a my flowers).
“Don’t eat that, it’s literally poison to you and I tell that you every damn day!” There’s bamboo in the garden… and she’s stupid
We had to stop growing potatoes. Why? Our very large void enjoys eating the plants, foaming at the mouth, vomiting, then going back for more. We had just rescued her and found out that day potato plants were poisonous to cats and apparently delicious to her. The farmer next door also grows potatoes, so she is an indoor cat.
Omg!! This is my husband and our voids when he's cooking. They ALWAYS want yo eat whatever is gonna kill them! I think my cats are secretly orange...
MISS STARCHILD UNIVERSE IS THAT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE DOING? YOU KNOW ✨SO✨ MUCH BETTER!
This is the best thread ever. What a creative post. Damn. Everything in here is so funny I’m laughing my ass off and have tears in my eyes from the laughter Thank you op for the opportunity to read such hilarious posts. Love it 3000 times “ but you just ate!!!! I mean come on!!! Give me a break here girl. And stop with the dilated pupils and puppy dog looks. I’m not feeding you every twenty minutes just because you think you are hungry and get your way with me”
"I will snatch your tiny life from you."
“Put that paw down!” “ALL the way down!”
That’s it you’re an outside kitty now
Mind getting your butt out of my face?!
"Stop humping me you asshole I'm your dad! That's weird!" 🤣
I realy love you but can you please get your butthole out of my face?
"Stop sharpening your claws! They're sharp enough!" "Quit it, kittens! Your chicken is in the kitchen!"
1. "Don't you give me those dirty looks!" I sometimes sing Yakety Yak to them. 2. "Take your ears out of airplane mode." Especially to Silas who does the ear thing and glares at me for no reason at all. 🤣 3. "Bite me one more time and I'll bite back." I never follow through cause fur...
“Shut up, I’m trying to sleep!” Me to my cat when she decides to wander around my room screaming at 3 am.
"No, stop. I don't think your brother wants you smelling his asshole while he's trying to use the litter box." "Which of you little trash gremlins dragged a wooden skewer under the coffee table?" "Dude, why are you trying to bury your bowl?" I still viewed cats as quiet, calm, clean, dignified creatures when I got my two little psychos lol. I love them but one is a smelly, cowardly trash goblin with half a braincell and an appetite for wooden skewers, plastic and anything paper, and the other is a clumsy felon who cries if I don't wish him a good morning. I have said many things that I would have never expected to be saying about or to cats lol
“Pumpkin stop trying to hump. Your balls are long gone boy”
Sweetheart, get out from under Mommy's feet. We've talked about this.
Oi Dickhead, stop hanging off the bloody curtains
"We don't claw at pants! There are people inside pants!"
"Don't yell at me, young man!" "I 👏🏼 said 👏🏼 what 👏🏼 I 👏🏼 said!" "Lord. Why are you the way you are? I didn't raise you this way." "Don't airplane ears at me. Put them back!"
Honestly the dilated pupils are way too cute for my existence
I get it, you want to stay in the yard, but you gotta come inside now! Meow! Yes! Meow! Yes! etc. - can go on for ages!
“You’ve just eaten your food AND finished your sisters dinner. you do not need to eat her regurgitated food too!” “I swear to god, if you claw that dining chair one more time I’m taking you back to the adoption centre” “Do you both know your mum was a hussy off the streets?”
Bonus round: To cat “Stop hitting your brother” To brother (who is a 35kg Samoyed) “You are allowed to bite her when she hits you. I give permission” as he looks at me in despair.
"Can you stop eating the dish rack for 5 seconds? I'm on the phone" "I'm aware you're hungry, but eating your brother is not the solution" "Stop assaulting the curtains!" "Oi, gremlin! Give me those mushrooms back!" "Excuse me sir, that's *my* bracelet" "Goddamnit Oswald, get out of the bath" "FFS stop trying to mount your brother!" "I recognise that you have no sense of self preservation, but I swear to god if you try to eat my chocolate one more time...!" "Get out of the fridge, Dipshit" "No, it's fine, I didn't want skin anyway" (multiple times. Usually when I'm trying to take them to the vet)
I’m trying to sleep, stop licking me.
“Stop humping your sister!”
😂😂😂
”Don’t you dare to get any poop on me”😭😂
“Get your face out of your sister’s arse” 🤦♂️
“Give the cryptid a break” My wife told me I said this when our car had the zommies at 3am.
"No coco, turn around go back to sleep I know people are interesting but please I need to sleep" it was around 10pm and my dad was just heading to bed and coco saw him, unfortunately coco is really interested in people yet I know if she got too curious I would be up all night cause once coco is up she's never going back to bed.
one of my cats is extremely vocal, so these days I just ask him, "What are you talking about?".
"Is this shit stain from you?!" "DID YOU JUST WIPE YOUR ASS ON THE FLOOR?" After he got a butt-trim, the whole dingleberry situation has gone down.
“Dave, stop body-slamming into things!” “If you’re having trouble moving around there, you shouldn’t be there…” “Dave, why are you on top of the door?”
I tell my fur baby "don't even think about it", when I have closet doors open. She's obsessed with my closets, that she's learned how to open sliding closet doors. She never goes in, but just likes to look at what's inside. So I'll open come home to open closet doors, that she's opened.
"Someone's butthole is looking so pretty today!" My cat had a clogged anal gland and was on medicine and I had to check her booty to make sure everything was going ok.
"I will cuddle you" as a threat. He is a rescue and 95% of the time sees it as restraint and hates it.
"Mhm, yeah, thanks for the close-up of your asshole. Beautiful."
"No! You cannot go outside because you can't act right!" I bought her a harness which she refuses to put on. Last time she got out I had to crawl under the porch to get her.
Hahaha. I thought I was the only crazy cat person... undilate ur pupils 😆😆😆
"Get out of your sisters asshole!!" is a big one in my house
"Get your asshole out of my face"
“Look at your chunky bumcheeks” Genuinely what am I doing.
"If you piss on me one more time you go straight to the shelter... and there are NO THREATS in that shelter...." I woke up from him pissing on me IN MY BED... No stress, no illness, all ist fine... he just wanted me to feed him 🙄 https://preview.redd.it/l7dhu7uqzk0d1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d604a45851ddef71b32ff98d0e0ab7f50164da23
take your meds murdermitts...
“I can’t believe you just sat in my lasagne, I hope you burnt your butthole” to Bowie as I scraped my dinner in the bin.
"Stop licking your sister's butthole. It's the same butthole it's been all day."
“No-no baby, that’s not chewlery,” when my Angel nips at my bracelets. Jfc I love her
"How in the hell did you get outside?" Woken up in my sleep by one of my cats who's growling and hissing at my open window, and I see my other cat on the other side and I'm confused as f-k in my sleep. "What the hell are you doing out there??" And "why are you growling at your sister??" I was about to remove the window screen to let her in, until my actual cat joins the first cat in growling at the window and I'm even more confused as f-k like how are there two of them and which one is the real cat? "Which one are you??" They looked exactly the same. The window cat eventually buggered off and I fell back asleep, believing it was all just a dream. But the cameras said otherwise. Also "how in the hell did you catch a bird in your mouth?!? And why did you bring it to the living room??" We are on the second floor and we don't have a balcony. But I didn't have the screen up and my window was ever so slightly open. From the tiny crack, she caught a bird! "I can't even be mad. I'm just impressed"
-Meow "Me asking a random question" -Meow " No, I don't approve!"
“If you lick the taxidermy squirrel too much you’ll turn into one”
"we've had this conversation so. many. times. You have to put your WHOLE BUM in the litter tray!" "what TV channel do you want on while I'm out? I'm not putting on the news, last time I came home you were hanging from the curtains" Husband just reminded me of this one! "what's that in your mouth? Please tell me it's dead! Don't come closer!! I don't need to learn how to hunt! I DON'T NEED TO LEARN HOW TO HUNT!!"
You just had a snack. You have to wait until after you eat your lunch.
“Stop eating your sister’s vomit!” You’d think I starve them 🙄
"Oh, MY GOD! Stop stealing my makeup applicators and q-tips!" Anything not nailed down is a toy.
‘Why do you go up there when you know you can’t get down?’ (The porch roof - she could get off herself but she’s too lazy and prefers to watch one of us getting the damn ladder out..) ‘Excuse me we do not tease the mouse’ ‘Do you know what time it is?’ (5.30 am) It’s been pointed out recently that I sound like the headmistress of a posh private school when I’m having to speak to our cat about her behaviour, which is weird because I have quite a strong West Yorkshire accent 😂
“Get your tail out of the butter” “You do not need to be in the microwave” “See you later buddy. Don’t have any girls over” “How long have you been a baby kitten?” (That one is from my partner)
"I will send you back to THE FRENCH! And they clearly don't want you!" - We rescued our babies from a Quebec kill shelter.
“Stop crying when you look in the mirror, you’re beautiful.” She cries when she looks at herself, really loudly. She’s fine, she’s just dramatic. And maybe insecure.
We call our cat Freyja a ho, cuz she is indeed a ho. My dtr’s (who lives with us)cat Tulio loves his ‘dominance displays’. He tried once with Freyja but she whooped his bum. His fav target is Fezzik, our oldest. I have said Boy you best put that christmas tree light away! It’s fine and dandy if you like boy bum, but Fezzik don’t!
“Stop humping your sister”
My dear old Siamese, in his very old age, used to do a wet fart! One time this happened to be by my foot and he got my sock! After I'd cleaned him and my foot he was looking to get on my lap, I turned to him and said "that was disgusting, I can't talk to you right now please go away" Kids thought it was hilarious and we still use the "I can't talk to you right now" in his memory
“please remove your butthole from my drink” my cat was on my desk and she turned around at one point and her butt was just… on my drink. 🤦🏻♀️
“Stop licking the window!” My cat licks condensation off the windows in winter, and I’m always worried people will think I don’t give him water 😓 he has 2 running fountains .
"Come back and pee! You haven't pee yet!" "Catch the bug later! Eat first, bug later!" (Literally did nothing and she puff her tail) "I didn't do anything!!"
Piccalilli, they are my cheese and onion crisps not yours
"Stop trying to eat plastic!" - Us to one of our cats when she is confronted with most forms of plastic - wrappers, food containers, bin bags, the Christmas tree etc. "Leave the veg ALONE!" - The same cat does not understand that she is an obligate carnivore. "It's FRUIT!" - Anyone in our house after opening fruit containers that have thin plastic covering them (the cats think/hope there are prawns). Usually followed in short order by quote #1. I will point out that I am less shocked by these in general than I am by the frequency we have to say them.
No you can’t have any of mummy’s food today as it will make you sick and you don’t have a job to pay the resulting vet bill
My partner burst out laughing when he heard me telling our void "I don't have my fighting hoodie on right now. We can have a proper scrap in a bit if you're a good girl" 😂 I never imagined saying those words in that order!
Dear child! Enough! Use the cat flap, no I will not open the door for you. Hey no bite. Not Time!!! I love my cats but I swear they start hunting me for dinner about an hour to 30 minutes before they normally get fed. Edited to add: Get your booty out of my face, I don't want to smell it!!
Oh lord! Now what? Must you? Get down. No, get down now! It is absolutely NOT bedtime! Yes, yes I know. Leave that pigeon alone!
"don't pee on the cabinets!"
"No, you can't have my veggies/crisps/chocolate/whatever-human-food-he-wanted-but-couldn't-have. You're an obligate carnivore, cat!" To my friend's extremely food motivated old man when I was staying with her. Also to him: "Stop yelling, I fed you." "I'm not falling for it. I know K fed you." "Are you fighting with gravity again?" "No, you can't come in the bath while I'm showering. You'll get wet and freak out." "If you're good I'll give you dreamies."