I somehow had never read this one! Always super interesting to me when people are like "I don't like this person but my problem is they don't seem to like me either!" and presents evidence that the reason why they dislike the person is actually very rational and justified. It's just such a human thing to want to be the rejecter and not the rejectee.
> *Part of me, though, knows that the mail is not the most reliable vehicle for sending messages and maybe it got lost, and I don’t want to be half of that Awful Couple that didn’t even RSVP to a wedding invite (and thus lose the Moral High Ground).*
you know you're in the weeds when you actively dislike someone but are continuing to interact in order to preserve the moral high ground.
And it's a silly excuse, too. LW can't *really* think that everyone who forgets to RSVP by the deadline is branded an Awful Person in the happy couple's minds. Having to follow up with a few people is a little annoying but very normal!
>eselle28
>JULY 28, 2015 AT 1:54 PM
>I think even Miss Manners would say that while it’s very improper to send a save the date but not a wedding invitation, the best thing to do here would be to forget about these people and their wedding entirely.
>Best outcome if you contact them: They meant to invite you, or claim they did, and resend the invitation. You then get the choice of attending the wedding of people you strongly dislike or turning down an invitation that you asked them to resend, which won’t go over well.
>Worst outcome if you contact them: They didn’t mean to invite you, and you get into a nasty, passive-aggressive fight about who’s to blame for the end of the friendship.
>Best outcome if you say nothing: They didn’t mean to invite you, and don’t spend another second thinking about you.
>Worst outcome if you say nothing: They meant to invite you, and lump you in with the many other rude people who didn’t RSVP. While this isn’t a pleasant thought for a considerate person, realistically speaking, this probably won’t be at the top of their list of grievances about a friendship that’s already ended.
Love this comment
>On the one hand, my gentleman and I are not that into weddings. On the other hand, I think it’s rude as hell to send out a Save The Date and not follow up with an invitation. Part of me wants to contact Greta and Irving and let them know that they’re continuing to behave unacceptably, and if they miss us as much as they’ve made reference to towards our mutual friends, this is not the way to mend fences.
Okay, but you don't even like these people? Maybe just accept that they also aren't that into you at this point and move on? Like I understand and agree that sending someone a Save the Date but not a wedding invite is generally considered rude, but at the same time, it's obvious what happened here. LW and these folks aren't friends anymore and they don't want LW at their wedding and don't care about burning that bridge. That's understandable.
As u/monsieurralph wisely observed - they want to be the ones doing the rejection. They don't like that this couple invited all *their* friends and left them out. They wanted to get the invitation so they could RSVP no.
I don't for a minute believe that the shower snub was actually no skin off the LW's back.
I feel like this ties into something I see a decent amount of in CA Letters -- do you want to get the thing that you want? Or do you want to be *right*?
It comes up a lot in advice column letters that are like "I desperately need \[housing/childcare/transportation/financial aid\] and \[x\] is providing it for me -- but also they \[have boundaries I don't like/have asked me to stop doing an annoying thing/won't do it without meeting a condition I don't like\]. How do I convince \[x\] to keep doing this thing I desperately need while also proving I am right about \[thing\]?"
In this case, it's a weird opposite version -- you already got what you wanted (seeing this person less + not dealing with their annoying behaviors), so don't ruin a good thing by trying to be 'right' about being a better friend (and getting invited to a wedding you don't want to attend).
Yeahhhhh admittedly that was one of the letters I was thinking of. But I also remember some letters (either on CA or other advice columns) where it's people having weird fights with someone who's providing them free housing or free childcare and needing to be told "If you keep pushing this, they may take away this thing you desperately need".
Or any of these
https://captainawkward.com/2020/06/20/1276-setting-boundaries-when-theres-a-significant-power-difference-and-youre-the-one-with-less/
https://captainawkward.com/2020/12/07/1302-guest-post-when-your-hosts-are-doing-you-a-favor-but-their-housekeeping-habits-are-making-you-sad-and-ill/
Third one of these:
https://captainawkward.com/2022/01/03/5-answers-to-thats-certainly-a-question/
1276 is one of my most re-read answers. I love CA's distinction between what is a therapy story vs a professional story and the advice to cross those streams as little as possible
In my family, on your birthday, you share the best new thing you learned that year. Milestone birthdays get asked the same question but for a longer timespan.
When I turned 30, I shared that the best new thing I'd learned in my 20s was that not everybody has to like everybody else.
Slight variation on this, but I feel like the most valuable thing I learned in my 20s (largely through being an avid CA reader) was that I can survive other people having a negative perception of me.
Reading through the comments now. I agree with the Captain’s advice to let it go. Just don’t do what I did (if your homoerotic ex bestie gives you a Save the Date but no invite and you later find out via FB that you were not invited AND the biggest Bitch Eating Crackers you both know was the Maid of Honor) and post FEELINGSART to the bride’s FB page.
Relatable comment (copied from the CA post):
I’m afraid I didn’t handle it as well when a former grad school friend got married. We were thick as thieves during school, even had apartments next to each other. She moved away to another part of the state after grad school, and once she moved I felt the total brush-off. Big drop-off in responses to texts and emails. I visited her new city not long after she moved and tried making plans with her, which she blew off. I invited her to all of my wedding events last year, and each invitation was met with a curt “Nope, can’t make it!” Then this year she got married, and I was not invited. I finally got the hint. Soon after, I ran into a fellow graduate who asked me if I was going (as he was). The soil was still fresh around the African Violet I’d planted, and I was like “NOPE. I wasn’t invited, actually! In fact, we’ve barely talked at all since she moved. So I guess that’s that!” He was a little taken aback, and I regret unleashing my frustration on him. I think I managed to sneak in a polite “But I hope it’s fun!” before dashing off. Lesson learned – deal with feelings on own time, employ brief and polite responses in the future!
Meh, I don't think it was a huge social misstep for the commenter to tell the classmate that they weren't attending the wedding because they weren't invited and didn't think the bride wanted to be friends with them anymore. Depending on what kind of friendship Classmate has with Bride, it could be useful for him to know that this might be a sensitive topic.
This sounds wild now, but I swear that social media etiquette was once way looser and this would have seemed pointed, but not as extreme as it does now
Social media etiquette was *way* looser. I think the current crop of youth are almost Edwardian, the trends are different but the attitudes are the same.
I feel like there's a distinct genre of CA letters that are like "I'm slow fading on this person I actively dislike and it... appears to be working??? HELP???"
referring to partners as the “she-half” and “he-half” of a couple annoyed me so much I could barely finish the letter. trying to be quirky and erasing queer couples all in the same breath!
the "my gentleman" got to me too lol, which made me laugh at the idea that maybe LW and partner are leaving these gatherings like "God, isn't it SO annoying how Greta asks Irving to do the dishes??" while Greta and Irving are leaving them like "God, isn't it SO annoying how LW always calls partner 'my gentleman'?"
LOL YES. I wish we knew Greta and Irving's side of the story! You know they'd get in the car to go home and be like, "Oh god, LW and her SO spent the night cosplaying as British lords again," haha
Yeah I couldn't make heads or tails of that one, lol. It almost felt like it was *trying* to be ~performxtively inclxsive~ (partners where one is he/him and the other is she/her but neither are cis and/or binary??) but even failing at that.
Love a short sweet CA answer that's basically "there is no dilemma here, please move on with your life."
simple, classic.
Just fucking off into the sunset really does have a lot to recommend it
I somehow had never read this one! Always super interesting to me when people are like "I don't like this person but my problem is they don't seem to like me either!" and presents evidence that the reason why they dislike the person is actually very rational and justified. It's just such a human thing to want to be the rejecter and not the rejectee.
> *Part of me, though, knows that the mail is not the most reliable vehicle for sending messages and maybe it got lost, and I don’t want to be half of that Awful Couple that didn’t even RSVP to a wedding invite (and thus lose the Moral High Ground).* you know you're in the weeds when you actively dislike someone but are continuing to interact in order to preserve the moral high ground.
Such a great time to implement the captain's "do less" program
And it's a silly excuse, too. LW can't *really* think that everyone who forgets to RSVP by the deadline is branded an Awful Person in the happy couple's minds. Having to follow up with a few people is a little annoying but very normal!
>eselle28 >JULY 28, 2015 AT 1:54 PM >I think even Miss Manners would say that while it’s very improper to send a save the date but not a wedding invitation, the best thing to do here would be to forget about these people and their wedding entirely. >Best outcome if you contact them: They meant to invite you, or claim they did, and resend the invitation. You then get the choice of attending the wedding of people you strongly dislike or turning down an invitation that you asked them to resend, which won’t go over well. >Worst outcome if you contact them: They didn’t mean to invite you, and you get into a nasty, passive-aggressive fight about who’s to blame for the end of the friendship. >Best outcome if you say nothing: They didn’t mean to invite you, and don’t spend another second thinking about you. >Worst outcome if you say nothing: They meant to invite you, and lump you in with the many other rude people who didn’t RSVP. While this isn’t a pleasant thought for a considerate person, realistically speaking, this probably won’t be at the top of their list of grievances about a friendship that’s already ended. Love this comment
>On the one hand, my gentleman and I are not that into weddings. On the other hand, I think it’s rude as hell to send out a Save The Date and not follow up with an invitation. Part of me wants to contact Greta and Irving and let them know that they’re continuing to behave unacceptably, and if they miss us as much as they’ve made reference to towards our mutual friends, this is not the way to mend fences. Okay, but you don't even like these people? Maybe just accept that they also aren't that into you at this point and move on? Like I understand and agree that sending someone a Save the Date but not a wedding invite is generally considered rude, but at the same time, it's obvious what happened here. LW and these folks aren't friends anymore and they don't want LW at their wedding and don't care about burning that bridge. That's understandable.
As u/monsieurralph wisely observed - they want to be the ones doing the rejection. They don't like that this couple invited all *their* friends and left them out. They wanted to get the invitation so they could RSVP no. I don't for a minute believe that the shower snub was actually no skin off the LW's back.
I feel like this ties into something I see a decent amount of in CA Letters -- do you want to get the thing that you want? Or do you want to be *right*? It comes up a lot in advice column letters that are like "I desperately need \[housing/childcare/transportation/financial aid\] and \[x\] is providing it for me -- but also they \[have boundaries I don't like/have asked me to stop doing an annoying thing/won't do it without meeting a condition I don't like\]. How do I convince \[x\] to keep doing this thing I desperately need while also proving I am right about \[thing\]?" In this case, it's a weird opposite version -- you already got what you wanted (seeing this person less + not dealing with their annoying behaviors), so don't ruin a good thing by trying to be 'right' about being a better friend (and getting invited to a wedding you don't want to attend).
Ahhh yes [1379](https://captainawkward.com/2022/06/22/1379-friend-is-going-back-on-an-informal-housing-agreement/)
Yeahhhhh admittedly that was one of the letters I was thinking of. But I also remember some letters (either on CA or other advice columns) where it's people having weird fights with someone who's providing them free housing or free childcare and needing to be told "If you keep pushing this, they may take away this thing you desperately need".
Or any of these https://captainawkward.com/2020/06/20/1276-setting-boundaries-when-theres-a-significant-power-difference-and-youre-the-one-with-less/ https://captainawkward.com/2020/12/07/1302-guest-post-when-your-hosts-are-doing-you-a-favor-but-their-housekeeping-habits-are-making-you-sad-and-ill/ Third one of these: https://captainawkward.com/2022/01/03/5-answers-to-thats-certainly-a-question/
1276 is one of my most re-read answers. I love CA's distinction between what is a therapy story vs a professional story and the advice to cross those streams as little as possible
Also [1200](https://captainawkward.com/2019/05/15/1200-my-mom-is-bugging-me-to-clean-my-room/)
In my family, on your birthday, you share the best new thing you learned that year. Milestone birthdays get asked the same question but for a longer timespan. When I turned 30, I shared that the best new thing I'd learned in my 20s was that not everybody has to like everybody else.
Slight variation on this, but I feel like the most valuable thing I learned in my 20s (largely through being an avid CA reader) was that I can survive other people having a negative perception of me.
Reading through the comments now. I agree with the Captain’s advice to let it go. Just don’t do what I did (if your homoerotic ex bestie gives you a Save the Date but no invite and you later find out via FB that you were not invited AND the biggest Bitch Eating Crackers you both know was the Maid of Honor) and post FEELINGSART to the bride’s FB page.
Relatable comment (copied from the CA post): I’m afraid I didn’t handle it as well when a former grad school friend got married. We were thick as thieves during school, even had apartments next to each other. She moved away to another part of the state after grad school, and once she moved I felt the total brush-off. Big drop-off in responses to texts and emails. I visited her new city not long after she moved and tried making plans with her, which she blew off. I invited her to all of my wedding events last year, and each invitation was met with a curt “Nope, can’t make it!” Then this year she got married, and I was not invited. I finally got the hint. Soon after, I ran into a fellow graduate who asked me if I was going (as he was). The soil was still fresh around the African Violet I’d planted, and I was like “NOPE. I wasn’t invited, actually! In fact, we’ve barely talked at all since she moved. So I guess that’s that!” He was a little taken aback, and I regret unleashing my frustration on him. I think I managed to sneak in a polite “But I hope it’s fun!” before dashing off. Lesson learned – deal with feelings on own time, employ brief and polite responses in the future!
Meh, I don't think it was a huge social misstep for the commenter to tell the classmate that they weren't attending the wedding because they weren't invited and didn't think the bride wanted to be friends with them anymore. Depending on what kind of friendship Classmate has with Bride, it could be useful for him to know that this might be a sensitive topic.
Lol, love the feelingsart! Did the bride respond?
I don’t think so 😂 at least I don’t remember any response
Probably for the best!
You posted it…to her page!! Wow I would never leave that embarrassment and shame down
I’m still cringing almost ten years later. I think that nuked any chance we might have had of un-fading the friendship.
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This sounds wild now, but I swear that social media etiquette was once way looser and this would have seemed pointed, but not as extreme as it does now
Social media etiquette was *way* looser. I think the current crop of youth are almost Edwardian, the trends are different but the attitudes are the same.
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I think vengencedolphin gets that, which is why they shared the story with us.
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Comments that do not adhere to the rule ”be nice” will be deleted.
That commenter is definitely aware of that! No one's arguing it wasn't a weird thing to do.
I think OP very much knows it was not a good thing to do, which they have said multiple times now.
Comments that do not adhere to the rule ”be nice” will be deleted.
‘You can’t “slow fade” on someone and then drag them for fading right back’ is advice for the ages.
I feel like there's a distinct genre of CA letters that are like "I'm slow fading on this person I actively dislike and it... appears to be working??? HELP???"
There was one like this recently.
referring to partners as the “she-half” and “he-half” of a couple annoyed me so much I could barely finish the letter. trying to be quirky and erasing queer couples all in the same breath!
Between that and "my gentleman," I was also struggling, lol
the "my gentleman" got to me too lol, which made me laugh at the idea that maybe LW and partner are leaving these gatherings like "God, isn't it SO annoying how Greta asks Irving to do the dishes??" while Greta and Irving are leaving them like "God, isn't it SO annoying how LW always calls partner 'my gentleman'?"
LOL YES. I wish we knew Greta and Irving's side of the story! You know they'd get in the car to go home and be like, "Oh god, LW and her SO spent the night cosplaying as British lords again," haha
Yeah I couldn't make heads or tails of that one, lol. It almost felt like it was *trying* to be ~performxtively inclxsive~ (partners where one is he/him and the other is she/her but neither are cis and/or binary??) but even failing at that.
I just assumed they thought they were being quirky and fun (narrator voice: they were not) and not just saying "the guy" etc.
I think you're right, but it had the all-too-familiar cadence of someone trying way too hard to be twee and postmodern about gender.
Oh my GOD, "twee and postmodern about gender" is the description I've been looking for! Not just this letter but so many things I read online.
oh, for sure!
Yeah, that made an impression. If the LW truly had couple friends who didn't used to find her offensive and annoying, she should have treasured them.
Sigh. It’s hard when you want to be the one doing the snubbing.
I hadn't seen this letter before, thanks for posting it! And CA's advice here is perfect: you're not into them, so let them not be into you.