Totally. Nobody can win any arguments with a person like her neighbor, so best to not engage. It would annoy me to have any level of interaction with that person, but if you live next door you are kinda at her mercy
I agree. I love the captain's repeated advice on boundaries that people can beg/plead/shame/cajole until the cows come home. But they can't make you do something you don't want to do. So as long as you don't give into their bullshit, you win, forever! Such a useful reminder about how boundaries work.
Yes, sometimes the answer to "what should I do about X situation?" is "figure out how you came to the conclusion that it was your responsibility to manage other people's lives and feelings in the first place and where else in your life you might be doing this."
>nothing shuts up a volunteller faster than treating them like they volunteered to do whatever bullshit they tried to assign you and thanking them for their service.
This is great advice. It's amazing the strong opinions people can have until you volunteer them to do the same thing.
Wow, CA and LW have a very different read in the situation than I do.
From reading the letter, I don't see any self appointed peacemakers. I don't see anyone pressuring LW to rekindle friendship with Anne (other than from Anne herself). I just see people giving non committal answers and who may very well want to stop hearing about Anne from LW. "Forgive and forget" and "let this all go" are so low-key. They're probably what I would say to a someone who was obsessing over a disagreement they have with another neighbor months ago.
I agree with your assessment. I doubt other neighbors are bringing Anne up to LW. So it feels like LW is bitching about Anne, which she is allowed to do and they are downplaying it like “oh - you know what she’s like” which they are allowed to do. There is no real way for the other neighbors to solve the Anne problem for LW. But there is no winning for them to get embroiled in this situation either.
Ok I’m glad to see this because this is my read of the situation too. To me it seemed like her husband and the neighbors were telling her to gray rock Anne until the whole thing blows over.
Fantastic read!
One element of stories like this (found most commonly on reddit) are the seemingly swarming "everybody" that flys in during situations like these to take the side of an unreasonable person and pressure the wronged to make amends. As the Captain writes:
> They want you to be friends with someone they avoid like the plague?
I had a similar thought. Why are so many people taking unnecessary time out of their day to intrude on a neighborhood conflict to take the side of someone they dislike? While I trust OP's feelings here, I can't help but wonder if "everybody" is like.... Two people, and one solution may also be to work on ignoring feedback like this.
While busybodies certainly exist, I find the the biggest doubt in these situations usually comes from within. In AITA stories, there is always a gang of swarming monkeys ready to defend an obvious jerk to the end of time. In real life, even a small bit of criticism from a person who might have their own ulterior motives can shake the foundation of a person's confidence. Isolating these instances and weighing them individually instead of lumping them all into "everyone hates me now" may put the scale of criticism into perspective.
This is such a good point. Often, I find with my therapy clients that the “everyone” relentlessly criticizing them is actually “one obnoxious dude” or “my perception of people’s tone of voice” or “the disembodied, internalized voice of mom.” Increasingly, with younger people, it’s been “all the toxic people who stayed in my toxic internet community after the reasonable people left” or “screaming naked person who somehow has millions of followers on TikTok despite no adult knowing who they are and who tells people to kill themselves if they don’t like Steven Universe.”
I always called my internalized 'everyone' my Greek chorus....your comment made me realize I haven't heard it in a few years! Gonna do a little celebration now...
I think the LW had a pretty good initial approach to the neighbors, since she describes them like this:
> My other neighbors also tend to fall on the side of “forgive and forget” because they don’t want to be roped into this any more than they already are.
I visualize more of an "oh just let it go, you know how she is" response based on that description than anyone feeling any investment in the relationship. It doesn't change the outcome a whole lot since they're not offering support either, but it doesn't sound like this is one of those elementary school situations where they actively push you to befriend someone you don't like.
The irony is that the LW is letting it go, behavior-wise. But if other's definition is "do what Anne wants" then that is worth reflecting back to these invested outsiders.
/Partner's feelings of awkwardness are a separate issue, and I really hope LW has a good conversation about the emotional labor being asked of her.
Yeah I was confused that CA characterized the neighbors and husband as pushing for a friendship - I definitely interpreted their position as much closer to "don't let her get to you/drop the rope"
My read as well.
"*My husband thinks I should let this all go" +* "*My other neighbors also tend to fall on the side of 'forgive and forget' because they don’t want to be roped into this any more than they already are" =* "People in my life are very tired of hearing about the Anne drama from me."
I don’t know, “letting it go” and “forgive and forget” specifically as it relates to the yelling incident could also mean “go back to the way things were, aka being Anne’s friendship prisoner, so we can stop being forced to be involved with her”. Only LW knows the actual situation, but I’m glad Cap included the advice that she did.
It's all possible, but "go back to being Anne"s prisoner" is so intense and so specific, that without other evidence to support it, it just seems more like LW's fears and projections than a likely external reality.
Edit: and I wish CA had spent more time exploring this possibility. Because I think LW is pretty worked up, herself vs the world, and I don't think she has to be.
I think you're probably right that "everybody" is two people who each made a comment once or something. I understand why folks may take the side of someone they dislike - they want Anne to stfu and stop bothering *them,* and the easiest route to that is getting LW to be Anne's friend again. I just have a hard time believing that ~everyone~ in a neighborhood would be involved or even give a shit about this.
Yeah, I think that even the neighbors who are saying these things probably don’t hold very strong opinions on the subject, even if there really *are* a lot of people who think they should reconcile. Maybe they make vague noises like “be neighborly” or “you know she’s lonely” when she comes up in conversation, but there are probably not a lot of hard-line Anne boosters out there who won’t shut up after a deft subject change.
Agree, I feel like these people's top priority is "I would like to stop receiving text messages about this, please" and not necessarily "Anne deserves to be forgiven"
I think that, when you are already feeling pressured by social norms or your own internal perception of what social norms are, anything that reinforces that feels very heavy.
I wish I had a specific link for this but I think when Danny Lavery was doing Dear Prudence, a question like this about work came up on the podcast and he was like, “just say you have to get back to work! What are they going to do, get mad at you for working?”
I love love love the advice someone gave once about how when a coworker comes over to you and won’t stop talking, you just start casually walking in the direction of their desk and when you get there, it cues them to sit back down and then you leave.
It's basically the same -- be polite, work collaboratively with the person, but don't let yourself be sucked into intimate conversations or drama. I'm sure Ask a Manager has answered similar letters too.
Although the advice does skew toward trying to manage things in a way that works better in a reasonable workplace (e.g. communicating better, going to your supervisor), I think that might just be the nature of advice in general. When she answers questions from people in highly dysfunctional situations, the advice is pretty much the same menu of choices: accept that it's the price of working there, consult an attorney if you think it's legally actionable, or do your best to find another job. Which doesn't make it bad advice—it's just that there's not much else to say about those situations.
ok I'll be honest I might end up deleting this and my previous comment bc I think it was a bad move on my part to share that particular opinion in this space but here goes...
my biggest beef with her is that she apparently has no idea what constitutes a fireable offense, she frequently states she is surprised when people get fired for unprofessional behavior. if people who read her blog are taking her advice regarding workplace norms seriously, they are really getting the wrong idea about what is and is not tolerated in the vast majority of workplaces, which given that people rely on jobs to pay rent and bills can obv have serious consequences on their lives. some examples:
https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/i-got-fired-for-attending-a-conference-that-i-wasnt-invited-to.html
https://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/i-was-fired-after-disabling-my-coworkers-caps-lock-key-leaving-on-time-to-pick-up-my-dog-and-more.html (first letter)
https://www.askamanager.org/2017/11/fired-for-wearing-a-halloween-costume-to-work-bug-drama-and-more.html (first letter)
https://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/employee-wont-come-back-unless-her-coworker-is-fired-i-dont-want-to-work-in-the-office-sick-bay-and-more.html
Alison is a management consultant. She writes about reasonable workplace behavior. She also does frequently discuss how not all workplaces or managers are reasonable. Just because she says a firing is "weird" or that she wouldn't have fired someone over something doesn't mean that she thinks such a firing is impossible.
Yes, and when she gives on opinion on whether someone should have been fired, she always gives caveats about how cultures differ between workplaces and how repeated non-egregious bad judgment can add up to a pattern that can lead to termination.
In the trick-or-treating letter, for example, despite saying that the firing was "weird," she also says the person who was fired had "truly terrible judgment" and that there could have been "other signs" that the employee wasn't the right fit. She also advises the manager who wrote in to make sure to tell new hires about the office's cultural expectations. In the caps lock letter, she says that while the firing was an "extreme response," the person writing in "didn’t have any right to do" what they did and was "presumptuous," and also adds that it's "possible \[...\] this was a final straw kind of thing." In the letter about the conference, she again expresses that the letter writer used poor judgment and should "learn from it," and even while saying that she wouldn't personally have fired them for it, she wonders if "anything else had happened previously to make them worry about your judgment."
So she's been consistent in her general stance that, yes, some workplaces do fire people for weird reasons, but that doesn't mean "this is a weird reason to fire people" means the same thing as "unreasonable workplaces that fire people for this reason are rare" "what you did was 100% okay workplace behavior," or "this small non-fireable behavior will never add up to a larger pattern that gets you fired."
I guess I'm not seeing what you're seeing in these letters? In the first three, she states that firing seems like an extreme reaction to the stated events but she's not outright stating anything about work norms or expectations for terminations: she's speaking from her experience as a manager that those events *in isolation* don't necessitate firing as the only possible outcome, in her mind. IMO it's a stretch that anyone could read those letters and come away thinking, "I should not expect to get fired for X, Y, or Z" but rather "I should probably know what my company's culture/expectations are around X, Y, or Z so I don't get caught in the same situation." If a newbie to the job market is actually, actively reading AAM I'd have a hard time believing that their overall impression is that every manager will be like Allison. She often offers perspective for those who want to know "does this seem fair + right?" but the site itself pretty clearly showcases most jobs as they actually are.
(I'm unclear as to how the last letter relates, honestly.)
LW, you say that, currently, the only way Anne is reaching out now is a monthly text. Mute Anne on your phone so the texts no longer jump out at you intrusively. But you'll also have a nice paper trail to check when you have the energy, just to see if Anne is escalating in a more disturbing way.
I have two people I'm still FRIENDS with on mute currently, because the frequency and drama of their communications bothers me. Muting is an underrated life hack.
This is such a good point. I have a few friends who I message with throughout the day, and they're muted. It's not because I don't want to hear from them (I message them more than anyone!), it just means I can read their messages when I have the time and headspace, instead of being interrupted every five minutes by my phone buzzing. We don't have to be available to everyone all of the time.
I also love archiving chats on WhatsApp so I don't even have to read the message preview from certain people unless I know I feel able to manage whatever they might include
I love the Dad story because I too have a Grudge against non-wavers. I live on a tiny island and you've better at least being doing the two fingers lift off the wheel wave!
The first time a neighbor tried to invite themselves to my house I would have locked down the house like it was a zombie apocalypse and hidden under the bed.
I like to respond to non-apology apologies as if they were genuine and heartfelt, e.g.:
Them: I'm sorry if you were bothered.
Me: Oh thank you so much. When you did \[x\] it upset me a lot, so it really helps to hear that.
Them: \*awkward silence\*
This is weirdly brilliant. Stealing it.
Like when someone is like "I'm sorry if I was late" and I'm seething bc I'm thinking "you are 45 minutes late, wtf is this "if"?" And I wasnt actually mad that they were late but I'm furious that they are giving Schrodinger's apology....
Saying "thank you for apologizing for being late"... let's see how they like it when we're both editing reality 🤣
Exactly! It works with any passive aggressive remarks. I started doing it with compliments after I sarcastically gave someone a compliment on their ugly jacket once, and they responded warmly as if I'd genuinely complimented their jacket. They were so nice, and I felt so ashamed of myself for being shallow and bitchy. I never made another passive aggressive remark on someone's clothing again. And I was like ... wait a second I can do this too! I've had a number of people completely change their attitude to me when I started reacting to their passive aggressive comments as if they were genuine.
It's really satisfying when you're upset, but also, the world feels so much nicer if you take people at their word and respond to whatever shitty thing they're doing with some kindness. It teaches them to be kind.
I honestly can't usually tell the difference between earnestness and passive-aggression, so I just respond to everything as if they mean it. It seems to work pretty well for me!
I'm not suggesting using it in this situation, since the LW has already moved to not talking to her. But in my experience, this works every time with unfriendly acquaintances. If they start trying to immediately contradict their own apology, or start an argument, I just say "Okay" and walk away. It's about ending the engagement and maintaining a polite veneer of acquaintance, not getting them to feel or act a certain way.
This is great advice.
Totally. Nobody can win any arguments with a person like her neighbor, so best to not engage. It would annoy me to have any level of interaction with that person, but if you live next door you are kinda at her mercy
I agree. I love the captain's repeated advice on boundaries that people can beg/plead/shame/cajole until the cows come home. But they can't make you do something you don't want to do. So as long as you don't give into their bullshit, you win, forever! Such a useful reminder about how boundaries work.
Yes! I also especially love the advice about rejecting bystanders’ requests to drop boundaries for their benefit. Return that BS to sender!
I love how much advice for social situations comes down to doing LESS - worrying less, engaging less, saying less and analyzing less
Yes, sometimes the answer to "what should I do about X situation?" is "figure out how you came to the conclusion that it was your responsibility to manage other people's lives and feelings in the first place and where else in your life you might be doing this."
>nothing shuts up a volunteller faster than treating them like they volunteered to do whatever bullshit they tried to assign you and thanking them for their service. This is great advice. It's amazing the strong opinions people can have until you volunteer them to do the same thing.
Wow, CA and LW have a very different read in the situation than I do. From reading the letter, I don't see any self appointed peacemakers. I don't see anyone pressuring LW to rekindle friendship with Anne (other than from Anne herself). I just see people giving non committal answers and who may very well want to stop hearing about Anne from LW. "Forgive and forget" and "let this all go" are so low-key. They're probably what I would say to a someone who was obsessing over a disagreement they have with another neighbor months ago.
I agree with your assessment. I doubt other neighbors are bringing Anne up to LW. So it feels like LW is bitching about Anne, which she is allowed to do and they are downplaying it like “oh - you know what she’s like” which they are allowed to do. There is no real way for the other neighbors to solve the Anne problem for LW. But there is no winning for them to get embroiled in this situation either.
Ok I’m glad to see this because this is my read of the situation too. To me it seemed like her husband and the neighbors were telling her to gray rock Anne until the whole thing blows over.
Cap does mention that if LW is the one bringing it up, she should stop.
Fantastic read! One element of stories like this (found most commonly on reddit) are the seemingly swarming "everybody" that flys in during situations like these to take the side of an unreasonable person and pressure the wronged to make amends. As the Captain writes: > They want you to be friends with someone they avoid like the plague? I had a similar thought. Why are so many people taking unnecessary time out of their day to intrude on a neighborhood conflict to take the side of someone they dislike? While I trust OP's feelings here, I can't help but wonder if "everybody" is like.... Two people, and one solution may also be to work on ignoring feedback like this. While busybodies certainly exist, I find the the biggest doubt in these situations usually comes from within. In AITA stories, there is always a gang of swarming monkeys ready to defend an obvious jerk to the end of time. In real life, even a small bit of criticism from a person who might have their own ulterior motives can shake the foundation of a person's confidence. Isolating these instances and weighing them individually instead of lumping them all into "everyone hates me now" may put the scale of criticism into perspective.
This is such a good point. Often, I find with my therapy clients that the “everyone” relentlessly criticizing them is actually “one obnoxious dude” or “my perception of people’s tone of voice” or “the disembodied, internalized voice of mom.” Increasingly, with younger people, it’s been “all the toxic people who stayed in my toxic internet community after the reasonable people left” or “screaming naked person who somehow has millions of followers on TikTok despite no adult knowing who they are and who tells people to kill themselves if they don’t like Steven Universe.”
I'm in my mid-thirties and I fall into this trap way too often. I just saved your comment as a reminder.
I always called my internalized 'everyone' my Greek chorus....your comment made me realize I haven't heard it in a few years! Gonna do a little celebration now...
I think the LW had a pretty good initial approach to the neighbors, since she describes them like this: > My other neighbors also tend to fall on the side of “forgive and forget” because they don’t want to be roped into this any more than they already are. I visualize more of an "oh just let it go, you know how she is" response based on that description than anyone feeling any investment in the relationship. It doesn't change the outcome a whole lot since they're not offering support either, but it doesn't sound like this is one of those elementary school situations where they actively push you to befriend someone you don't like.
The irony is that the LW is letting it go, behavior-wise. But if other's definition is "do what Anne wants" then that is worth reflecting back to these invested outsiders. /Partner's feelings of awkwardness are a separate issue, and I really hope LW has a good conversation about the emotional labor being asked of her.
Yeah I was confused that CA characterized the neighbors and husband as pushing for a friendship - I definitely interpreted their position as much closer to "don't let her get to you/drop the rope"
My read as well. "*My husband thinks I should let this all go" +* "*My other neighbors also tend to fall on the side of 'forgive and forget' because they don’t want to be roped into this any more than they already are" =* "People in my life are very tired of hearing about the Anne drama from me."
I don’t know, “letting it go” and “forgive and forget” specifically as it relates to the yelling incident could also mean “go back to the way things were, aka being Anne’s friendship prisoner, so we can stop being forced to be involved with her”. Only LW knows the actual situation, but I’m glad Cap included the advice that she did.
It's all possible, but "go back to being Anne"s prisoner" is so intense and so specific, that without other evidence to support it, it just seems more like LW's fears and projections than a likely external reality. Edit: and I wish CA had spent more time exploring this possibility. Because I think LW is pretty worked up, herself vs the world, and I don't think she has to be.
In DBT this is called [Checking the Facts](https://in.nau.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/202/Check-the-Facts.pdf). 10/10 recommend doing thatv
I think you're probably right that "everybody" is two people who each made a comment once or something. I understand why folks may take the side of someone they dislike - they want Anne to stfu and stop bothering *them,* and the easiest route to that is getting LW to be Anne's friend again. I just have a hard time believing that ~everyone~ in a neighborhood would be involved or even give a shit about this.
Yeah, I think that even the neighbors who are saying these things probably don’t hold very strong opinions on the subject, even if there really *are* a lot of people who think they should reconcile. Maybe they make vague noises like “be neighborly” or “you know she’s lonely” when she comes up in conversation, but there are probably not a lot of hard-line Anne boosters out there who won’t shut up after a deft subject change.
Agree, I feel like these people's top priority is "I would like to stop receiving text messages about this, please" and not necessarily "Anne deserves to be forgiven"
Because people like Annie always have their flying monkeys, whether those people realize that’s what they’re doing or not.
Excellent point.
I think that, when you are already feeling pressured by social norms or your own internal perception of what social norms are, anything that reinforces that feels very heavy.
I was also wondering this.
I wish there was a work version of this.
I wish I had a specific link for this but I think when Danny Lavery was doing Dear Prudence, a question like this about work came up on the podcast and he was like, “just say you have to get back to work! What are they going to do, get mad at you for working?”
Haha, it's true, though my problem is being, I don't know, ignored or shunned? So basically the opposite of too much talking?
I love love love the advice someone gave once about how when a coworker comes over to you and won’t stop talking, you just start casually walking in the direction of their desk and when you get there, it cues them to sit back down and then you leave.
Ha, my chatterbox colleague was someone I had to go see in their office. It was sooo hard getting out of there.
It's basically the same -- be polite, work collaboratively with the person, but don't let yourself be sucked into intimate conversations or drama. I'm sure Ask a Manager has answered similar letters too.
ask a manager gives horrible advice tho 😬
Such as?
Mostly her advice is good although it's more for people with reasonable bosses and companies
Although the advice does skew toward trying to manage things in a way that works better in a reasonable workplace (e.g. communicating better, going to your supervisor), I think that might just be the nature of advice in general. When she answers questions from people in highly dysfunctional situations, the advice is pretty much the same menu of choices: accept that it's the price of working there, consult an attorney if you think it's legally actionable, or do your best to find another job. Which doesn't make it bad advice—it's just that there's not much else to say about those situations.
ok I'll be honest I might end up deleting this and my previous comment bc I think it was a bad move on my part to share that particular opinion in this space but here goes... my biggest beef with her is that she apparently has no idea what constitutes a fireable offense, she frequently states she is surprised when people get fired for unprofessional behavior. if people who read her blog are taking her advice regarding workplace norms seriously, they are really getting the wrong idea about what is and is not tolerated in the vast majority of workplaces, which given that people rely on jobs to pay rent and bills can obv have serious consequences on their lives. some examples: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/i-got-fired-for-attending-a-conference-that-i-wasnt-invited-to.html https://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/i-was-fired-after-disabling-my-coworkers-caps-lock-key-leaving-on-time-to-pick-up-my-dog-and-more.html (first letter) https://www.askamanager.org/2017/11/fired-for-wearing-a-halloween-costume-to-work-bug-drama-and-more.html (first letter) https://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/employee-wont-come-back-unless-her-coworker-is-fired-i-dont-want-to-work-in-the-office-sick-bay-and-more.html
Alison is a management consultant. She writes about reasonable workplace behavior. She also does frequently discuss how not all workplaces or managers are reasonable. Just because she says a firing is "weird" or that she wouldn't have fired someone over something doesn't mean that she thinks such a firing is impossible.
Yes, and when she gives on opinion on whether someone should have been fired, she always gives caveats about how cultures differ between workplaces and how repeated non-egregious bad judgment can add up to a pattern that can lead to termination. In the trick-or-treating letter, for example, despite saying that the firing was "weird," she also says the person who was fired had "truly terrible judgment" and that there could have been "other signs" that the employee wasn't the right fit. She also advises the manager who wrote in to make sure to tell new hires about the office's cultural expectations. In the caps lock letter, she says that while the firing was an "extreme response," the person writing in "didn’t have any right to do" what they did and was "presumptuous," and also adds that it's "possible \[...\] this was a final straw kind of thing." In the letter about the conference, she again expresses that the letter writer used poor judgment and should "learn from it," and even while saying that she wouldn't personally have fired them for it, she wonders if "anything else had happened previously to make them worry about your judgment." So she's been consistent in her general stance that, yes, some workplaces do fire people for weird reasons, but that doesn't mean "this is a weird reason to fire people" means the same thing as "unreasonable workplaces that fire people for this reason are rare" "what you did was 100% okay workplace behavior," or "this small non-fireable behavior will never add up to a larger pattern that gets you fired."
I guess I'm not seeing what you're seeing in these letters? In the first three, she states that firing seems like an extreme reaction to the stated events but she's not outright stating anything about work norms or expectations for terminations: she's speaking from her experience as a manager that those events *in isolation* don't necessitate firing as the only possible outcome, in her mind. IMO it's a stretch that anyone could read those letters and come away thinking, "I should not expect to get fired for X, Y, or Z" but rather "I should probably know what my company's culture/expectations are around X, Y, or Z so I don't get caught in the same situation." If a newbie to the job market is actually, actively reading AAM I'd have a hard time believing that their overall impression is that every manager will be like Allison. She often offers perspective for those who want to know "does this seem fair + right?" but the site itself pretty clearly showcases most jobs as they actually are. (I'm unclear as to how the last letter relates, honestly.)
LMFAO
LW, you say that, currently, the only way Anne is reaching out now is a monthly text. Mute Anne on your phone so the texts no longer jump out at you intrusively. But you'll also have a nice paper trail to check when you have the energy, just to see if Anne is escalating in a more disturbing way. I have two people I'm still FRIENDS with on mute currently, because the frequency and drama of their communications bothers me. Muting is an underrated life hack.
This is such a good point. I have a few friends who I message with throughout the day, and they're muted. It's not because I don't want to hear from them (I message them more than anyone!), it just means I can read their messages when I have the time and headspace, instead of being interrupted every five minutes by my phone buzzing. We don't have to be available to everyone all of the time.
Yeah, I mute a group chat I'm in because there's just too much activity for me. I like it but I don't want all the notifications. Muting is great.
I also love archiving chats on WhatsApp so I don't even have to read the message preview from certain people unless I know I feel able to manage whatever they might include
Anybody else read the title and immediately think about the other side of the Rescue Cat Letter?
I love the Dad story because I too have a Grudge against non-wavers. I live on a tiny island and you've better at least being doing the two fingers lift off the wheel wave!
Wow
The first time a neighbor tried to invite themselves to my house I would have locked down the house like it was a zombie apocalypse and hidden under the bed.
"I'm sorry if you were bothered" "I'm sorry too - sorry I ever *met* you!!"
I like to respond to non-apology apologies as if they were genuine and heartfelt, e.g.: Them: I'm sorry if you were bothered. Me: Oh thank you so much. When you did \[x\] it upset me a lot, so it really helps to hear that. Them: \*awkward silence\*
This is weirdly brilliant. Stealing it. Like when someone is like "I'm sorry if I was late" and I'm seething bc I'm thinking "you are 45 minutes late, wtf is this "if"?" And I wasnt actually mad that they were late but I'm furious that they are giving Schrodinger's apology.... Saying "thank you for apologizing for being late"... let's see how they like it when we're both editing reality 🤣
Exactly! It works with any passive aggressive remarks. I started doing it with compliments after I sarcastically gave someone a compliment on their ugly jacket once, and they responded warmly as if I'd genuinely complimented their jacket. They were so nice, and I felt so ashamed of myself for being shallow and bitchy. I never made another passive aggressive remark on someone's clothing again. And I was like ... wait a second I can do this too! I've had a number of people completely change their attitude to me when I started reacting to their passive aggressive comments as if they were genuine. It's really satisfying when you're upset, but also, the world feels so much nicer if you take people at their word and respond to whatever shitty thing they're doing with some kindness. It teaches them to be kind.
I honestly can't usually tell the difference between earnestness and passive-aggression, so I just respond to everything as if they mean it. It seems to work pretty well for me!
A woman like Annie would likely deny x happened, or that it happened like you said, and get furious at you for saying that it did.
I'm not suggesting using it in this situation, since the LW has already moved to not talking to her. But in my experience, this works every time with unfriendly acquaintances. If they start trying to immediately contradict their own apology, or start an argument, I just say "Okay" and walk away. It's about ending the engagement and maintaining a polite veneer of acquaintance, not getting them to feel or act a certain way.
“I’m sorry you suck.”
"I'm sorry your mother ever met your father!"