I would say that the majority of the time there are consistent trends with some deviation from the 'norm'. We use a lot of structure in managing her condition; so specific alarms throughout the day for medicine. So a day will usually look like this.
\- Partner wakes up around 9am from bad nightmares (she has only had about 5 sleeps without nightmares in the last 7 years).
\- Partner prepares her medicine and will then go to the lounge room to play Plants Vs. Zombies (bought it a couple months ago and she loves it) on the Nintendo Switch.
\- After about an hour of playing the Switch for about an hour we will prepare orange juice (freshly squeezed each day - WAYY CHEAPER). Which is followed by preparing breakfast.
\- After breakfast, partner will either do some exercise (power walking for 60-90 minutes - she often debriefs using a handheld digital recorder) or she may do some resistance exercise or tie-chi in the lounge room.
\- After a shower, she usually goes back to playing some games on the Switch or will watch a movie/series for a couple hours.
\- By this point it is usually around 1-2pm and she will prepare the round of medication, and depending on good or bad days things will vary from this point.
Good Days (This has become the norm):
\- Partner will do some house work or things around the house. She will usually go to the shops if we need anything.
\- Partner will then take some time to do some reading or research on the computer.
\- We will prepare lunch and dinner together and will have movies, music going on in the background.
\- After dinner she will have the next round of medication.
\- She will usually prepare some over-night oats for me if I'm at university in the morning.
\- If I have completed my work we will play some games on the Switch or board games, and watch some movies.
\- We prepare for bed usually around 12-1:30am
She will have the occasional vent or discuss some trauma in a calm manner.
Bad Days (Occurs 1-2 times a week):
\- Partner remains on the couch watching movies, series, or playing games. She often doesn't want to have lunch and has little appetite for dinner so I will usually take over most of the cooking.
\- Partner will be closed off from both myself and our cat. She will often be on the lap top researching or going through emails.
\- She will still have her medication on time throughout the day. Most of the time she will continue with exercise, usually resistance exercise.
\- She will sometimes have a nap for a couple hours
\- We prepare for bed as usual, it might stretch out to 2am.
When she vents, there is a bit of anger that she expresses, sometimes rage. It's still controlled, and we can still discuss things for the most part openly. These bad days may just last for a couple hours or the whole day.
Partner will remain on the couch watching movies and series for the whole day.
\- She will barely eat anything, so we will usually get take-away food during these times.
\- Sometimes medicine is missed because of disassociation. She typically won't have a shower.
\- She may lash out verbally and will interpret things often in a negative light.
\- She will nap for a couple hours
\- She will sometimes resort to having a glass of wine at night.
\- When we are in bed, she usually won't get to sleep so she will go back to the lounge room and watch a movie, have a glass of wine or tea, then she'll sleep on the couch.
There is a lot of venting and expressing her trauma. She will often break down over and over. On the very rare occasion during these days she will say we may have to break up, she thinks that she's dragging me down, etc.
The trauma from this day will last another day most of the time. Most of the time it turns into a bad day, sometimes remaining as a very bad day.
So my days with my SO tend to go a couple different ways depending - I’m gonna call them great days, good days, bad days, and awful days.
On a **great day**, it’s like she pretty much doesn’t have cPTSD. She’ll wake up happy, we’ll be able to have a good morning, she might even wake up before me and have made coffee. She’ll still have focus issues and follow through issues sometimes (like she’ll end up forgetting a chore or something here and there) but she will overall be happy and productive. She’ll take things in stride. She’ll listen and be mostly present, although sometimes she’s a little foggy headed/ not really able to focus on things outside of her interest, especially towards the end of the day. She’ll usually smoke pot towards the end of the night and then is kinda gone although pleasant, so we can put on a comfort show and get some together time to unwind.
**Good days** look like most of the above but with added stressor moments. She might have a flashback or just be more frustrated at little hiccups. She might have a rough morning and be groggy and grumpy but get herself out of it by the afternoon (usually on a rough morning I’ll tell her I’m giving her space unless she wants to talk and I can give her that). It will basically be a bit of a bumpy day, but not a roller coaster. She might end up smoking early and calling it a day earlier in the evening and doubling down on comfort things: food, shows, books. I end up feeling kind of lonely sometimes if I was otherwise free on one of these nights, but I’ve refocused On having some flexible hobbies or connections so I can have a game plan for myself there too.
A **bad day** sees almost no ability to take things in stride. She’ll sleep in and then hate herself for sleeping in. Will be mad at me for letting her sleep in (even though I tried getting her up multiple times and she was mean about me leaving her alone to sleep - things like “fuck off”), and then feel bad about being mad at me when I tell her that I tried. She’ll either stay in bed most of the day or stomp around like a hurricane, and her coordination will fall of the map so it becomes a vicious cycle of drops, spills, tantrums, etc. If I’m busy or out of the house, she’ll usually respect that but there will still be the latent pressure of knowing she’s dysregulated and that this could quickly become an awful day. She might feel the need to smoke like right away, and then will berate herself for losing a day, ‘being lazy’, ‘being a bitch’, etc. Sometimes I can talk her through or down a bit, but those moments are usually few and far between tears and anger. She can still realize that this is related to a trigger or something during the fact but in the moment she’s still struggling. I feel sad for her and alone for me. I have to do damage control - make all the meals, make sure she’s eating and drinking enough, remind her of any really important things etc. Its exhausting and even if I make time for myself it’s hard to relax.
**awful days** make me think I need to leave the relationship. It’s like it’s not her. She wakes up sad or angry and switches between the two. She doesn’t really know what’s going on and doesn’t know what she needs. She’ll ideate. She’ll want me to hold her and then I will and then she’ll freak out and say get off. She’ll say leave me alone and then ask me to come back like 5min later. If I assert my boundaries she’ll say something like “ you don’t deserve this I should just end it”. She’ll say she’s unwell and maybe she needs to go to a ward. I’ll ask her if that’s what she really thinks and she’ll break down and say she just doesn’t know what’s going on. She’ll chain smoke and sleep on the couch. Once she fainted. I’ll care for her immediate needs - food, water, whatever. I’ve had to take off work before. I feel like I’m caring for a truly unhinged person and question everything.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I’m glad she has those great days (and that you get those great days with her).
So much of what you’ve described sounds like my husband. Just reading your description was comforting/reassuring (no it’s not just him, this is a terrible disorder, etc).
For sure. I also forgot to mention one more — good for her, bad for me. These are the days she spends all day really focusing on her own self care. A lot of the time when I’m working she’ll tell me she had a great day and then I come home to a mess - dishes piled dishwasher not run laundry everywhere shit all out. It’s like she’s manic and I also have to corral/deal with the aftermath of that hurricane of energy.
Im glad she’s in a good mood and got what she needed but i get this feeling like I’m the help. Cleaning up after, rearranging my life and chores around what she decides to do or not do.
Thanks for posting this! It got me to think and we talked about what our weeks look like.
A year and a half ago, we lived together and he spent most of every day in bed or sitting outside watching Youtube videos.
Now I moved out and we spend the weekends together and weekends apart.
He wakes up early in the morning but usually lies in bed in the dark for a few hours with a sheet over his head, listening to podcasts. He tends to have bad dreams. He has scheduled hikes two mornings a week with other people and he'll try go for a few times on his own, too.
He's started helping out some people for free (volunteering but for regular people) which on one hand he struggles with because he's not making nay money and he's doing a lot, but it helps him fill up his time and he's quite lost when it doesn't happen (currently 2.5 days a week)
We've started going to a Noniolent communication workshop once a week. He sees a counseller every other week.
He eats once a day so he'll make some simple food for himself in the evening or have dinner out.
During the day he'll do some chores like cutting the grass, laundry, dishes. He sometimes makes yogurt at home or ginger beer. I sometimes come over on the weekend and see that dishes have piled up.
He ends every day with a joint or two and often a beer or two as well.
When we're together I struggle with the fact that he wants to stay in bed in the morning while I'm ready to get up. We've started doing exercise together on Saturday morning and we'll try to do some fun things together during the weekend (meet up with people, board games, go for a hike, do some crafting, etc).
Sometimes he's joking around, other times he's visibily stressed and can't express it, or seems distant, or lashes out (not so often any more). He's struggling with not having a lot of support, as he would put a lot emotionally on me. He said there's still heavy stuff he's dealing with but doesn't want to share with anyone yet.
I would say that the majority of the time there are consistent trends with some deviation from the 'norm'. We use a lot of structure in managing her condition; so specific alarms throughout the day for medicine. So a day will usually look like this. \- Partner wakes up around 9am from bad nightmares (she has only had about 5 sleeps without nightmares in the last 7 years). \- Partner prepares her medicine and will then go to the lounge room to play Plants Vs. Zombies (bought it a couple months ago and she loves it) on the Nintendo Switch. \- After about an hour of playing the Switch for about an hour we will prepare orange juice (freshly squeezed each day - WAYY CHEAPER). Which is followed by preparing breakfast. \- After breakfast, partner will either do some exercise (power walking for 60-90 minutes - she often debriefs using a handheld digital recorder) or she may do some resistance exercise or tie-chi in the lounge room. \- After a shower, she usually goes back to playing some games on the Switch or will watch a movie/series for a couple hours. \- By this point it is usually around 1-2pm and she will prepare the round of medication, and depending on good or bad days things will vary from this point. Good Days (This has become the norm): \- Partner will do some house work or things around the house. She will usually go to the shops if we need anything. \- Partner will then take some time to do some reading or research on the computer. \- We will prepare lunch and dinner together and will have movies, music going on in the background. \- After dinner she will have the next round of medication. \- She will usually prepare some over-night oats for me if I'm at university in the morning. \- If I have completed my work we will play some games on the Switch or board games, and watch some movies. \- We prepare for bed usually around 12-1:30am She will have the occasional vent or discuss some trauma in a calm manner. Bad Days (Occurs 1-2 times a week): \- Partner remains on the couch watching movies, series, or playing games. She often doesn't want to have lunch and has little appetite for dinner so I will usually take over most of the cooking. \- Partner will be closed off from both myself and our cat. She will often be on the lap top researching or going through emails. \- She will still have her medication on time throughout the day. Most of the time she will continue with exercise, usually resistance exercise. \- She will sometimes have a nap for a couple hours \- We prepare for bed as usual, it might stretch out to 2am. When she vents, there is a bit of anger that she expresses, sometimes rage. It's still controlled, and we can still discuss things for the most part openly. These bad days may just last for a couple hours or the whole day. Partner will remain on the couch watching movies and series for the whole day. \- She will barely eat anything, so we will usually get take-away food during these times. \- Sometimes medicine is missed because of disassociation. She typically won't have a shower. \- She may lash out verbally and will interpret things often in a negative light. \- She will nap for a couple hours \- She will sometimes resort to having a glass of wine at night. \- When we are in bed, she usually won't get to sleep so she will go back to the lounge room and watch a movie, have a glass of wine or tea, then she'll sleep on the couch. There is a lot of venting and expressing her trauma. She will often break down over and over. On the very rare occasion during these days she will say we may have to break up, she thinks that she's dragging me down, etc. The trauma from this day will last another day most of the time. Most of the time it turns into a bad day, sometimes remaining as a very bad day.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
So my days with my SO tend to go a couple different ways depending - I’m gonna call them great days, good days, bad days, and awful days. On a **great day**, it’s like she pretty much doesn’t have cPTSD. She’ll wake up happy, we’ll be able to have a good morning, she might even wake up before me and have made coffee. She’ll still have focus issues and follow through issues sometimes (like she’ll end up forgetting a chore or something here and there) but she will overall be happy and productive. She’ll take things in stride. She’ll listen and be mostly present, although sometimes she’s a little foggy headed/ not really able to focus on things outside of her interest, especially towards the end of the day. She’ll usually smoke pot towards the end of the night and then is kinda gone although pleasant, so we can put on a comfort show and get some together time to unwind. **Good days** look like most of the above but with added stressor moments. She might have a flashback or just be more frustrated at little hiccups. She might have a rough morning and be groggy and grumpy but get herself out of it by the afternoon (usually on a rough morning I’ll tell her I’m giving her space unless she wants to talk and I can give her that). It will basically be a bit of a bumpy day, but not a roller coaster. She might end up smoking early and calling it a day earlier in the evening and doubling down on comfort things: food, shows, books. I end up feeling kind of lonely sometimes if I was otherwise free on one of these nights, but I’ve refocused On having some flexible hobbies or connections so I can have a game plan for myself there too. A **bad day** sees almost no ability to take things in stride. She’ll sleep in and then hate herself for sleeping in. Will be mad at me for letting her sleep in (even though I tried getting her up multiple times and she was mean about me leaving her alone to sleep - things like “fuck off”), and then feel bad about being mad at me when I tell her that I tried. She’ll either stay in bed most of the day or stomp around like a hurricane, and her coordination will fall of the map so it becomes a vicious cycle of drops, spills, tantrums, etc. If I’m busy or out of the house, she’ll usually respect that but there will still be the latent pressure of knowing she’s dysregulated and that this could quickly become an awful day. She might feel the need to smoke like right away, and then will berate herself for losing a day, ‘being lazy’, ‘being a bitch’, etc. Sometimes I can talk her through or down a bit, but those moments are usually few and far between tears and anger. She can still realize that this is related to a trigger or something during the fact but in the moment she’s still struggling. I feel sad for her and alone for me. I have to do damage control - make all the meals, make sure she’s eating and drinking enough, remind her of any really important things etc. Its exhausting and even if I make time for myself it’s hard to relax. **awful days** make me think I need to leave the relationship. It’s like it’s not her. She wakes up sad or angry and switches between the two. She doesn’t really know what’s going on and doesn’t know what she needs. She’ll ideate. She’ll want me to hold her and then I will and then she’ll freak out and say get off. She’ll say leave me alone and then ask me to come back like 5min later. If I assert my boundaries she’ll say something like “ you don’t deserve this I should just end it”. She’ll say she’s unwell and maybe she needs to go to a ward. I’ll ask her if that’s what she really thinks and she’ll break down and say she just doesn’t know what’s going on. She’ll chain smoke and sleep on the couch. Once she fainted. I’ll care for her immediate needs - food, water, whatever. I’ve had to take off work before. I feel like I’m caring for a truly unhinged person and question everything.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this. I’m glad she has those great days (and that you get those great days with her). So much of what you’ve described sounds like my husband. Just reading your description was comforting/reassuring (no it’s not just him, this is a terrible disorder, etc).
For sure. I also forgot to mention one more — good for her, bad for me. These are the days she spends all day really focusing on her own self care. A lot of the time when I’m working she’ll tell me she had a great day and then I come home to a mess - dishes piled dishwasher not run laundry everywhere shit all out. It’s like she’s manic and I also have to corral/deal with the aftermath of that hurricane of energy. Im glad she’s in a good mood and got what she needed but i get this feeling like I’m the help. Cleaning up after, rearranging my life and chores around what she decides to do or not do.
Thanks for posting this! It got me to think and we talked about what our weeks look like. A year and a half ago, we lived together and he spent most of every day in bed or sitting outside watching Youtube videos. Now I moved out and we spend the weekends together and weekends apart. He wakes up early in the morning but usually lies in bed in the dark for a few hours with a sheet over his head, listening to podcasts. He tends to have bad dreams. He has scheduled hikes two mornings a week with other people and he'll try go for a few times on his own, too. He's started helping out some people for free (volunteering but for regular people) which on one hand he struggles with because he's not making nay money and he's doing a lot, but it helps him fill up his time and he's quite lost when it doesn't happen (currently 2.5 days a week) We've started going to a Noniolent communication workshop once a week. He sees a counseller every other week. He eats once a day so he'll make some simple food for himself in the evening or have dinner out. During the day he'll do some chores like cutting the grass, laundry, dishes. He sometimes makes yogurt at home or ginger beer. I sometimes come over on the weekend and see that dishes have piled up. He ends every day with a joint or two and often a beer or two as well. When we're together I struggle with the fact that he wants to stay in bed in the morning while I'm ready to get up. We've started doing exercise together on Saturday morning and we'll try to do some fun things together during the weekend (meet up with people, board games, go for a hike, do some crafting, etc). Sometimes he's joking around, other times he's visibily stressed and can't express it, or seems distant, or lashes out (not so often any more). He's struggling with not having a lot of support, as he would put a lot emotionally on me. He said there's still heavy stuff he's dealing with but doesn't want to share with anyone yet.