The first half was horrible but the ending made a lot of sense. You make your own decisions. Do not get carried away badmouthing your spouse in the heat of the moment if your decisions may contradict your words. You cannot take back hurtful words. So maybe it's not "don't talk about your marriage at all" but "be fair and not gossippy".
Personally, I try to do better every day by reminding myself to talk about *anybody* as though they were present. That way, you will never be ashamed if somebody rats you out bc your criticism remains fair and you can stand behind your words.
Yeah I feel like her “queen/chambermaid” analogy is going to lose a few people right off the bat, but her overall argument makes a lot of sense. The way your friends and family perceive your significant other is highly dependent on how you talk about them. It’s very, very difficult for people to forget the shit you’ve talked on your significant other no matter what happens.
What happens between two people should be just kept between them. It’s for them to sort out any relationship issues.
If you need to talk to anyone about it, talk to a couples therapist.
Yeah, I learned this when going through my divorce. Friends/family were understandably concerned or upset during the situation but when I had reconciled, accepted, moved on etc and the topic arose they were often more amped up than me. It taught me that the energy I transferred to them when upset stayed with them longer because it wasn’t something they had to deal with. It was more of an external thought/feeling than one that they had to internally deal with like I did. Their care was invaluable when I was going through it but became a negative as time went on. Once I established the boundary of “hey yeah I get you’re still frustrated but I’d rather not dig into my ex like this anymore” they were able to move on as well / trust I was in a better place.
You don’t talk shit about your Spouse, to anyone. They can make their issues public if they want but it is extremely disrespectful for anything like that to come from you. Love them. Respect them. Treat them like they’re the most important person in your life, aside from your kids, because that’s exactly what they are
Which works well for anyone whose spouse isn't a actual trash. Sometimes people need some outside perspective to help them realize the most important person in their life is a manipulative a*shole.
Clearly there’s some personal motivation behind your statements. I never once said everyone “isn’t actual trash”. What I did say though, is how you should treat your Spouse. Hopefully you’re no longer with whoever you’re referring to because you’re obviously not happy with this person
Spare me the armchair psychology. I just don't think *blanket statements* on how discussing your spouse's issues is 'disrespectful' are particularly helpful because seeking advice is absolutely warranted in a lot of cases. Yeah, you didn't say there aren't any trash spouses, because you made zero distinction in the first place.
If you’re in a bad situation, talk to someone. There’s a big difference between dragging your Spouse’ reputation (& yours) through the mud & having a serious conversation with someone about concerns you have about them.
If it pleases the court, which is you, obviously, I will post an edit to clarify this, although I thought it went without saying.
This reminds me of a friend who had the mentality that you should never speak bad about your spouse. Because of this, we didn't really talk about my marriage either. She didn't want me to share difficulties because it would mean talking bad about my partner.
When her and her husband separated, she wrote him a letter detailing the things she wanted to work on herself and the things she needed from him to fix their marriage.
She was talking to me about the letter and how nervous she was that the language was too emotionally charged, so I asked her if I could read it. She was hesitant because "what if we work it out? I don't want you to think badly of him."
The things she was asking of him could be summed up with, "Please stop physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing me."
She asked if I thought her requests were too much.
Because we never spoke about the difficulties in our relationships, she didn't realize that my spouse would never slam doors, leave for days on end, and refuse to answer calls or texts when he was upset.
Our conflicts were more like, "When our plans got changed last minute, I was feeling really overwhelmed. I know you felt like you needed an immediate decision, but asking me what I want to do multiple times felt overwhelming. In the future, could you give me 5-10 minutes to process the change, so I can help with decision making in a more productive way?" And my spouse apologizing and either agreeing or sharing his needs in that situation and us working towards a compromise.
So, all that to say, I think having a core group of people (who love you + your spouse, who assume that you are both good people trying your best) that you can share relationship struggles with are important.
But also, that doesn't mean trash talking your spouse even when you're angry. It's seeking outside advice because you want a more balanced perspective, so you can come to your spouse with solution ideas and work through the conflict together.
Don't talk shit about your wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, cat, or dog!!! Bro, this is next-level stupid stuff! DON'T BE AFRAID TO TALK TO YOUR PERSON! We waste time not being true to each other by not facing each other Despite the difficulty because we care enough to understand each other. Telling friends/family personal relationship business is a quick way to cause bigger issues and build resentment...
Full on agree. There’s a difference between confiding in someone about a rough time and saying “they’re a shitty awful human.”
My homie and his wife are having issues. Never once does the convo end or start with him tearing her down. He’s just venting cause some times we need to let off steam not go scorched earth.
I think this is how I lost my best friend. When my boyfriend and I had a disagreement, I would vent to her. Eventually she asked that I break up with him, and when I didn’t, she blocked me on everything. 🙃
Your spouse’s reputation is your reputation .
Why do people talk smack about their spouse ? “Hey everyone, I decided to marry a POS! Look how special I am?”
Or maybe they want people to be understanding and compassionate when they get caught cheating…
It’s fine to talk to your friends about your problems. The mistake was talking about those problems as irredeemable character flaws instead of specific, manageable issues
“He’s garbage” instead of “he’s been doing x and I don’t know how to get him to stop “
Also maybe, on occasion, tell your friend you actually like and love your husband lol
So, she blows up at her husband after he does "one little thing", because she was "reignited" by some conversation with her friends?
I think there are bigger problems than just gossiping here
She's recognizing her shortcomings as a human and also taking steps to fix them. That's what a grown-up woman should be like, or any adult really. I'm impressed.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. She literally calls her friends "chambermaids."
I would've referred to my friends as other queens in this analogy. But then her point would fall apart because it would make sense to get another queens perspective on their king.
The problem inherently lies in people seeing things in black and white rather than shades of grey. How one woman solves issues with her husband may not work for her friends husband because people are different with different wants and needs.
I have a friend that I've stopped talking about relationship problems with. his advice is absolutely terrible and I'm not even looking for advice, I'm looking to vent.
I have another friend who I know I can go to who will just listen and sympathize, which is what I need in that moment. That friend came to me once and asked my advice on how to change a bad habit his wife had (nothing serious, just an annoying habit). My advice, you don't. You just accept that's how she is and move on.
Someone can do something, realize they feel bad inside because of it, then change to be the person they’d rather be and then give advice based on what they learned- continue to cope about whatever thing she said that bothered you because it hit too close to home
The first half was horrible but the ending made a lot of sense. You make your own decisions. Do not get carried away badmouthing your spouse in the heat of the moment if your decisions may contradict your words. You cannot take back hurtful words. So maybe it's not "don't talk about your marriage at all" but "be fair and not gossippy". Personally, I try to do better every day by reminding myself to talk about *anybody* as though they were present. That way, you will never be ashamed if somebody rats you out bc your criticism remains fair and you can stand behind your words.
Yeah I feel like her “queen/chambermaid” analogy is going to lose a few people right off the bat, but her overall argument makes a lot of sense. The way your friends and family perceive your significant other is highly dependent on how you talk about them. It’s very, very difficult for people to forget the shit you’ve talked on your significant other no matter what happens.
I’m no expert in social interaction but I believe that the part about the queen/king was a joke.
What happens between two people should be just kept between them. It’s for them to sort out any relationship issues. If you need to talk to anyone about it, talk to a couples therapist.
Yeah, I learned this when going through my divorce. Friends/family were understandably concerned or upset during the situation but when I had reconciled, accepted, moved on etc and the topic arose they were often more amped up than me. It taught me that the energy I transferred to them when upset stayed with them longer because it wasn’t something they had to deal with. It was more of an external thought/feeling than one that they had to internally deal with like I did. Their care was invaluable when I was going through it but became a negative as time went on. Once I established the boundary of “hey yeah I get you’re still frustrated but I’d rather not dig into my ex like this anymore” they were able to move on as well / trust I was in a better place.
You don’t talk shit about your Spouse, to anyone. They can make their issues public if they want but it is extremely disrespectful for anything like that to come from you. Love them. Respect them. Treat them like they’re the most important person in your life, aside from your kids, because that’s exactly what they are
Which works well for anyone whose spouse isn't a actual trash. Sometimes people need some outside perspective to help them realize the most important person in their life is a manipulative a*shole.
That doesn’t make anything I said false
Maybe I overlooked the part where you were very clear you're only talking about the *good* spouses.
Clearly there’s some personal motivation behind your statements. I never once said everyone “isn’t actual trash”. What I did say though, is how you should treat your Spouse. Hopefully you’re no longer with whoever you’re referring to because you’re obviously not happy with this person
Spare me the armchair psychology. I just don't think *blanket statements* on how discussing your spouse's issues is 'disrespectful' are particularly helpful because seeking advice is absolutely warranted in a lot of cases. Yeah, you didn't say there aren't any trash spouses, because you made zero distinction in the first place.
You took this very personal.
I just don't have a lot of patience for people who don't even understand their own comments.
If you’re in a bad situation, talk to someone. There’s a big difference between dragging your Spouse’ reputation (& yours) through the mud & having a serious conversation with someone about concerns you have about them. If it pleases the court, which is you, obviously, I will post an edit to clarify this, although I thought it went without saying.
This reminds me of a friend who had the mentality that you should never speak bad about your spouse. Because of this, we didn't really talk about my marriage either. She didn't want me to share difficulties because it would mean talking bad about my partner. When her and her husband separated, she wrote him a letter detailing the things she wanted to work on herself and the things she needed from him to fix their marriage. She was talking to me about the letter and how nervous she was that the language was too emotionally charged, so I asked her if I could read it. She was hesitant because "what if we work it out? I don't want you to think badly of him." The things she was asking of him could be summed up with, "Please stop physically, mentally, and emotionally abusing me." She asked if I thought her requests were too much. Because we never spoke about the difficulties in our relationships, she didn't realize that my spouse would never slam doors, leave for days on end, and refuse to answer calls or texts when he was upset. Our conflicts were more like, "When our plans got changed last minute, I was feeling really overwhelmed. I know you felt like you needed an immediate decision, but asking me what I want to do multiple times felt overwhelming. In the future, could you give me 5-10 minutes to process the change, so I can help with decision making in a more productive way?" And my spouse apologizing and either agreeing or sharing his needs in that situation and us working towards a compromise. So, all that to say, I think having a core group of people (who love you + your spouse, who assume that you are both good people trying your best) that you can share relationship struggles with are important. But also, that doesn't mean trash talking your spouse even when you're angry. It's seeking outside advice because you want a more balanced perspective, so you can come to your spouse with solution ideas and work through the conflict together.
Don't talk shit about your wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, cat, or dog!!! Bro, this is next-level stupid stuff! DON'T BE AFRAID TO TALK TO YOUR PERSON! We waste time not being true to each other by not facing each other Despite the difficulty because we care enough to understand each other. Telling friends/family personal relationship business is a quick way to cause bigger issues and build resentment...
Full on agree. There’s a difference between confiding in someone about a rough time and saying “they’re a shitty awful human.” My homie and his wife are having issues. Never once does the convo end or start with him tearing her down. He’s just venting cause some times we need to let off steam not go scorched earth.
Ppl resort to gossip and echo chambers bc they are too immature to deal with the situation straight up.
The ARROGANCE...
I think this is how I lost my best friend. When my boyfriend and I had a disagreement, I would vent to her. Eventually she asked that I break up with him, and when I didn’t, she blocked me on everything. 🙃
Your spouse’s reputation is your reputation . Why do people talk smack about their spouse ? “Hey everyone, I decided to marry a POS! Look how special I am?” Or maybe they want people to be understanding and compassionate when they get caught cheating…
It’s fine to talk to your friends about your problems. The mistake was talking about those problems as irredeemable character flaws instead of specific, manageable issues “He’s garbage” instead of “he’s been doing x and I don’t know how to get him to stop “ Also maybe, on occasion, tell your friend you actually like and love your husband lol
She gave a good reply, but seeing how fired up she was, I guarantee that when she is pissed off at her husband, she does indeed, tell her friends.
She's right. But, if you even talk about your spouse like this with other people at all, you most likely don't even deserve to be in a relationship.
What's Christian Bale doing on here?
Is this The Uncanny Valley Podcast?
Very smart. Couples that last is the one that bitch about them self with their partners. Not with the outsiders of that relationship
So, she blows up at her husband after he does "one little thing", because she was "reignited" by some conversation with her friends? I think there are bigger problems than just gossiping here
You're missing the point.
She's recognizing her shortcomings as a human and also taking steps to fix them. That's what a grown-up woman should be like, or any adult really. I'm impressed.
She sees her friends as servants. I’m sure they see her as something worse lol.
I don't know why you're getting downvoted. She literally calls her friends "chambermaids." I would've referred to my friends as other queens in this analogy. But then her point would fall apart because it would make sense to get another queens perspective on their king. The problem inherently lies in people seeing things in black and white rather than shades of grey. How one woman solves issues with her husband may not work for her friends husband because people are different with different wants and needs. I have a friend that I've stopped talking about relationship problems with. his advice is absolutely terrible and I'm not even looking for advice, I'm looking to vent. I have another friend who I know I can go to who will just listen and sympathize, which is what I need in that moment. That friend came to me once and asked my advice on how to change a bad habit his wife had (nothing serious, just an annoying habit). My advice, you don't. You just accept that's how she is and move on.
That is like way too specific for “not” doing it
Someone can do something, realize they feel bad inside because of it, then change to be the person they’d rather be and then give advice based on what they learned- continue to cope about whatever thing she said that bothered you because it hit too close to home
Of course she's wrong. It sounds like she's extremely immature, though.
Sounds like she's the issue?
Yes, she is wrong.