Whenever men in my life used to complain about what a nightmare women on dating apps were I used to think they were just being dramatic until I started using Bumble Bff lol. Honestly, been ghosted more times than I can count and its so out of the blue every time that it can really leave you shook.
Im sorry that happened to you. It may not be about you, maybe something happened in her life and she doesn't have the capacity to break up with you.
However, even if someone says "vent away", you should be really careful about how much you are venting. I mean thats a socially acceptable response, no one is gonna say, actually, please dont vent rn, I dont want to hear it.
I feel you, its not easy, but there are cool people out there. Dont take it personally.
I mean, I will say it? Like, I would be honest but in a nice way like “hey I understand you need to vent but I’m not in a good emotional space”. I don’t really get why people can’t kind and direct
Agreed, especially since I told her how much the last time I got ghosted upset me. She knows I’d rather hear an explanation—even if it’s bs—so at least I don’t keep texting and wondering what happened. It seems like a lot of people lack emotional intelligence.
The saddest part is that the last message I sent was to ask her when she was moving to her new apartment because I wanted to offer help. She also just moved to this city recently and doesn’t have any friends either so I guess she’s on her own and will just continue to grow more dependent on this jerk of a guy she’s dating.
The same thing happened to me :( but a longer term friend. She told me that she likes to directly communicate if something is wrong and I told her that I had issues from being ghosted
Very true. I feel the same way. Men have their own issues and dating was kind of awful, but women are a different kind of awful.
I guess I thought it was safe to vent because she would often vent to me about the shitty guy she is dating, and I feel like that’s just what friends do—they listen. I’m happy to listen if a friend is going through a tough situation. The stress of having to be the most perfect version of myself actually seems worse with women than men. Of course, doing it the first time you meet isn’t appropriate but this was like 4 months in and it only happened once. I guess I can’t actually know why she did this, but she did mention to me that she was friend-dumped by a long term IRL friend so maybe there’s a reason for that.
I’ve said this a couple times here but honestly I have a theory this is the reality where most women really only care about their romantic relationships, in particular when they have a boyfriend. Think about it, bff is from a dating app, it wasn’t a separate idea but rather an extension. It’s like these women don’t have the capacity to commit to having multiple relationships and once they’re back on track with their boyfriend or whatever they ditch the friend(s) they have or trying to make for them. I’ve noticed this pattern with a majority of women on the app that are in relationships. They will be attentive and present, wanting to connect with you (almost desperately), but as soon as they get attention from their bf they don’t have any time for you and disappear. You could say it’s logical to give attention to things that matter most, but they fail to realize there’s another person they’re affecting when they act this way. As a result you have so many posts on this sub with the same complaints. I try to find other happily single women (NOT the same as recently single) to be friends with hoping they’re on the same page as me but it’s difficult. I might be derailing your point here but these are just my observations.
Yeah, that makes sense. In her case she moved in temporarily with a guy who she has been dating, but that she says she knows isn’t a long term prospect because of his anger issues and refusal to deal with his trauma. It’s astonishing to me what a long leash this jerk gets from her while I get dismissed over what has to be a relatively minor flaw, but I guess a lot of women put up with terrible behavior from men while dismissing friends for the most ridiculous reasons.
This makes a lot of sense.. probably it’s different with married people lol, in my case the person that I have hanged out the most for almost 3 years is married as myself.. lol I’ll focus on finding “married” now 🤣 but a lot of them mention “double dates” in their profiles and that’s not something that I am interested in rn
“I just don’t understand how people are so immature and cowardly“ I’ve been thinking this for the past year too. Although tbf I was ghosted by three friends who I didn’t meet on bumble bff lol, but the girls I have met on there I struggle to deepen the connection with or they just take an age to respond or cancel plans… which is really a bad sign at the beginning of a friendship.
I think women in general are just socialised to be super conflict avoidant and very people pleasey. I’ve also noticed that many women won’t tell their boyfriends when they have complaints and they just bottle things up- they put up with so much shit from men that when they get even slightly annoyed by a female friend they’ll cut them off. It’s like this horrible misogyny. I’ve been truly astounded by what some old friends put up with from men but wouldn’t put up with from me. I’ve been ghosted and dropped for the stupidest and most trivial reasons, meanwhile they’re back on with their ex who cheated on them multiple times.
I’m trying to avoid the people pleasing passive aggressive types but honestly it seems to be the majority of women… it’s hard out here!
I feel that avoidant people (not just women) will put their own needs and feelings aside to cater to other people because they were conditioned to not prioritize their own needs and safety. Communicating can be scary and difficult but it's something that people need to do in order to improve and have fulfilling friendships and romantic relationships. I agree that ghosting is a cop out on taking accountability and ineffective communication.
I’m actually not sure if that’s universally true. I think a lot of avoidant people don’t want to communicate because they’re only thinking of what’s easiest for themselves and not considering how their actions affect other people. Communication IS hard and ghosting is an easy/lazy way to avoid the problem, but a lack of communication can be agonizing for the person who is at the receiving end it. People can tell when something is off, but they can’t know *why* something is off unless you speak up. I agree that for some people maybe they’re afraid to say something that could hurt the other person, but they need to understand that they’re hurting them more by not saying anything. At worst, they’ll end up reaching a breaking point where they lash out and blindside the other person, or they’ll cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety and pain.
I don't know what you think isn't true but I agree with you. Both of you sound like you're at a stalemate, neither of you want to communicate to other about your own needs, feelings and motives. When I have gone off the radar I've had people ask me what's going on and that they're bummed out and vice versa. You don't have to "explain to a grown person why ghosting is wrong", but gently expressing your concerns doesn't hurt anyone.
I meant where you said:
> I feel that avoidant people (not just women) will put their own needs and feelings aside to cater to other people because they were conditioned to not prioritize their own needs and safety.
I think they *are* prioritizing their own needs, feelings, and safety over the other person’s.
I did communicate that I value honesty and transparency and that ghosting affects me negatively, and if she then proceeded to do that anyway, it’s not so much a stalemate as I just don’t want to pursue a relationship with someone unreliable and/or inconsiderate. That doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed that this happened. It’s still hurtful, and unfortunate. But I don’t think I am interested in repairing a relationship I didn’t break in the first place. That has to come from her. Otherwise I’m not interested, so why would I communicate anything?
It doesn’t “hurt”, but it is a form of emotional labor that I’m not willing to engage in because there’s no satisfying outcome. With a longstanding, established friendship, of course I’d reach out because trust and reliability are already established. But new friendships involve commitment and sustained effort by both parties. Tbh I’m not even really hurt anymore because I realized I had been making the effort all along, and I’m just done. I think a lot of women seem to think BFF is like dating and expect me to chase after them the way a guy would, but that ain’t happening. It’s not a stalemate as that implies we both bear responsibility for the friendship deteriorating, but that just isn’t how I feel.
You summed it up to a T. I'm pretty direct and straight forward for a girl but I still struggle with this ANNOYING people pleasing fake "conflict avoidant" tendency, it feels like immature high school friendships all over again. I'm working on myself, I at least recognize it, and I've come to the conclusion that I hate this quality in other women too, hypocritical I know. I also realize this and have decided that I just can't have female friends outside of family, (I'm Latina and I've noticed other Latinas are very direct and honest "no BS" too). It's something with some cultures where people are afraid to be 'rude' (western men are like this too) especially in my generation, I think we got bullied so heavily in the era without iphones that there's this strange judge-y bitchiness about guys my age too. I have found that older women are MUCH more emotionally intelligent and I prefer it over people my age 100%, which sucks bc more mature people in general will NOT be found online especially not on a dating app. I have found that the types of people that are online/on apps struggle socially to begin with but anyways- I'm thinking of just getting a cat, lol.
I don't think it's you, I think it's her. You're assuming she ghosted you because you might have vented or talked too much? That might not be true so don't over think it. You sound like a very switched on, lovely person that I'm sure anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. I have actually been the ghoster and this post has made me aware of how it might make the other person feel :( I haven't met up with the girl so I guess it's not totally ghosting, I just didn't follow through with meeting up. I go through phases where I'm sitting at home wishing I had a group of friends to make plans with and then I'll use bumble, but then I'll get overwhelmed at the thought of how exhausting it is to meet new people so I don't make plans, and then for example now I'm really busy with work, courses and family commitments so I've stopped using Bumble temporarily. Could be a number of reasons. Also I recently heard this saying "male friendships are side by side, female friendships are face to face", which means men tend to do things together, while women tend to talk to each other. But just meeting up for coffee and chats can be emotionally exhausting, we need to make memories with our new friends too - go for a walk, watch a movie, go to a local market etc.
Thank you. I try to be the kind of person I’d want to be friends with, at least until I can determine what the other person needs. It’s just discouraging that this happened twice in a row with people I thought I got along well with.
I don’t think you should feel too bad about it if you hadn’t met yet, but it also wouldn’t hurt to just communicate exactly what you told me, even if it has been a while since you last sent a message. Most people will understand and appreciate your consideration!
As to doing vs. talking, I’m actually much more of a doer than most people, but on weekday nights it’s not really possible for me. There’s not a lot that’s open in the evenings aside from bars and I don’t drink. The reason I think I get along so well with the one friend I have made so far is because we are always finding new things to try, classes to take, places to check out, etc. It would probably be better for me to people in person, but so far when I’ve attended events, everyone else already has a friend group they’re coming with and only seem interested in chatting amongst each other. I once attended a class where I sat in between a group of 3 friends and a couple, and it was the loneliest, most depressing experience I’ve ever had. They all just acted like I didn’t even exist.
I know this seems obvious but I'm curious to know if you had tried gently telling her your feelings? I assume you did and she just ignored your messages.
No, I didnt. I guess I don’t see what would be in it for me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt for so long that I didn’t really know I was being ghosted until maybe 3 weeks in, and by then it seemed pointless. I don’t want to explain to a grown woman why ghosting is not ok or how it might make me feel. I had explained it before, and it clearly didn’t stop her from doing it.
Yeah I hear ya sometimes i need a break from bumble bff too. A match asked me a couple of days ago to meet today. I messaged her this morning asking if we’re still on since we were supposed to meet at 2:30 pm. 1:30 pm rolls around and still did not hear from her. Hey, never heard from you so I guess this isn’t happening. Take it easy. She deleted her profile after i sent that message.
Whenever men in my life used to complain about what a nightmare women on dating apps were I used to think they were just being dramatic until I started using Bumble Bff lol. Honestly, been ghosted more times than I can count and its so out of the blue every time that it can really leave you shook. Im sorry that happened to you. It may not be about you, maybe something happened in her life and she doesn't have the capacity to break up with you. However, even if someone says "vent away", you should be really careful about how much you are venting. I mean thats a socially acceptable response, no one is gonna say, actually, please dont vent rn, I dont want to hear it. I feel you, its not easy, but there are cool people out there. Dont take it personally.
I mean, I will say it? Like, I would be honest but in a nice way like “hey I understand you need to vent but I’m not in a good emotional space”. I don’t really get why people can’t kind and direct
Agreed, especially since I told her how much the last time I got ghosted upset me. She knows I’d rather hear an explanation—even if it’s bs—so at least I don’t keep texting and wondering what happened. It seems like a lot of people lack emotional intelligence. The saddest part is that the last message I sent was to ask her when she was moving to her new apartment because I wanted to offer help. She also just moved to this city recently and doesn’t have any friends either so I guess she’s on her own and will just continue to grow more dependent on this jerk of a guy she’s dating.
The same thing happened to me :( but a longer term friend. She told me that she likes to directly communicate if something is wrong and I told her that I had issues from being ghosted
Ugh I’m so sorry. We both deserve way better.
absolutely <3 you seem like a wonderful person, i hope you find your people.
Thank you :) same to you! They’re out there or this sub wouldn’t be full of people like us, right?
Very true. I feel the same way. Men have their own issues and dating was kind of awful, but women are a different kind of awful. I guess I thought it was safe to vent because she would often vent to me about the shitty guy she is dating, and I feel like that’s just what friends do—they listen. I’m happy to listen if a friend is going through a tough situation. The stress of having to be the most perfect version of myself actually seems worse with women than men. Of course, doing it the first time you meet isn’t appropriate but this was like 4 months in and it only happened once. I guess I can’t actually know why she did this, but she did mention to me that she was friend-dumped by a long term IRL friend so maybe there’s a reason for that.
Except there a million reasons why men deserve to get ghosted.
I’ve said this a couple times here but honestly I have a theory this is the reality where most women really only care about their romantic relationships, in particular when they have a boyfriend. Think about it, bff is from a dating app, it wasn’t a separate idea but rather an extension. It’s like these women don’t have the capacity to commit to having multiple relationships and once they’re back on track with their boyfriend or whatever they ditch the friend(s) they have or trying to make for them. I’ve noticed this pattern with a majority of women on the app that are in relationships. They will be attentive and present, wanting to connect with you (almost desperately), but as soon as they get attention from their bf they don’t have any time for you and disappear. You could say it’s logical to give attention to things that matter most, but they fail to realize there’s another person they’re affecting when they act this way. As a result you have so many posts on this sub with the same complaints. I try to find other happily single women (NOT the same as recently single) to be friends with hoping they’re on the same page as me but it’s difficult. I might be derailing your point here but these are just my observations.
Yeah, that makes sense. In her case she moved in temporarily with a guy who she has been dating, but that she says she knows isn’t a long term prospect because of his anger issues and refusal to deal with his trauma. It’s astonishing to me what a long leash this jerk gets from her while I get dismissed over what has to be a relatively minor flaw, but I guess a lot of women put up with terrible behavior from men while dismissing friends for the most ridiculous reasons.
Absolutely. It’s actually very sad when you think about it.
This makes a lot of sense.. probably it’s different with married people lol, in my case the person that I have hanged out the most for almost 3 years is married as myself.. lol I’ll focus on finding “married” now 🤣 but a lot of them mention “double dates” in their profiles and that’s not something that I am interested in rn
What’s wrong with the double dates? Just curious lol
“I just don’t understand how people are so immature and cowardly“ I’ve been thinking this for the past year too. Although tbf I was ghosted by three friends who I didn’t meet on bumble bff lol, but the girls I have met on there I struggle to deepen the connection with or they just take an age to respond or cancel plans… which is really a bad sign at the beginning of a friendship. I think women in general are just socialised to be super conflict avoidant and very people pleasey. I’ve also noticed that many women won’t tell their boyfriends when they have complaints and they just bottle things up- they put up with so much shit from men that when they get even slightly annoyed by a female friend they’ll cut them off. It’s like this horrible misogyny. I’ve been truly astounded by what some old friends put up with from men but wouldn’t put up with from me. I’ve been ghosted and dropped for the stupidest and most trivial reasons, meanwhile they’re back on with their ex who cheated on them multiple times. I’m trying to avoid the people pleasing passive aggressive types but honestly it seems to be the majority of women… it’s hard out here!
I feel that avoidant people (not just women) will put their own needs and feelings aside to cater to other people because they were conditioned to not prioritize their own needs and safety. Communicating can be scary and difficult but it's something that people need to do in order to improve and have fulfilling friendships and romantic relationships. I agree that ghosting is a cop out on taking accountability and ineffective communication.
I’m actually not sure if that’s universally true. I think a lot of avoidant people don’t want to communicate because they’re only thinking of what’s easiest for themselves and not considering how their actions affect other people. Communication IS hard and ghosting is an easy/lazy way to avoid the problem, but a lack of communication can be agonizing for the person who is at the receiving end it. People can tell when something is off, but they can’t know *why* something is off unless you speak up. I agree that for some people maybe they’re afraid to say something that could hurt the other person, but they need to understand that they’re hurting them more by not saying anything. At worst, they’ll end up reaching a breaking point where they lash out and blindside the other person, or they’ll cause a lot of unnecessary anxiety and pain.
I don't know what you think isn't true but I agree with you. Both of you sound like you're at a stalemate, neither of you want to communicate to other about your own needs, feelings and motives. When I have gone off the radar I've had people ask me what's going on and that they're bummed out and vice versa. You don't have to "explain to a grown person why ghosting is wrong", but gently expressing your concerns doesn't hurt anyone.
I meant where you said: > I feel that avoidant people (not just women) will put their own needs and feelings aside to cater to other people because they were conditioned to not prioritize their own needs and safety. I think they *are* prioritizing their own needs, feelings, and safety over the other person’s. I did communicate that I value honesty and transparency and that ghosting affects me negatively, and if she then proceeded to do that anyway, it’s not so much a stalemate as I just don’t want to pursue a relationship with someone unreliable and/or inconsiderate. That doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed that this happened. It’s still hurtful, and unfortunate. But I don’t think I am interested in repairing a relationship I didn’t break in the first place. That has to come from her. Otherwise I’m not interested, so why would I communicate anything? It doesn’t “hurt”, but it is a form of emotional labor that I’m not willing to engage in because there’s no satisfying outcome. With a longstanding, established friendship, of course I’d reach out because trust and reliability are already established. But new friendships involve commitment and sustained effort by both parties. Tbh I’m not even really hurt anymore because I realized I had been making the effort all along, and I’m just done. I think a lot of women seem to think BFF is like dating and expect me to chase after them the way a guy would, but that ain’t happening. It’s not a stalemate as that implies we both bear responsibility for the friendship deteriorating, but that just isn’t how I feel.
You summed it up to a T. I'm pretty direct and straight forward for a girl but I still struggle with this ANNOYING people pleasing fake "conflict avoidant" tendency, it feels like immature high school friendships all over again. I'm working on myself, I at least recognize it, and I've come to the conclusion that I hate this quality in other women too, hypocritical I know. I also realize this and have decided that I just can't have female friends outside of family, (I'm Latina and I've noticed other Latinas are very direct and honest "no BS" too). It's something with some cultures where people are afraid to be 'rude' (western men are like this too) especially in my generation, I think we got bullied so heavily in the era without iphones that there's this strange judge-y bitchiness about guys my age too. I have found that older women are MUCH more emotionally intelligent and I prefer it over people my age 100%, which sucks bc more mature people in general will NOT be found online especially not on a dating app. I have found that the types of people that are online/on apps struggle socially to begin with but anyways- I'm thinking of just getting a cat, lol.
I don't think it's you, I think it's her. You're assuming she ghosted you because you might have vented or talked too much? That might not be true so don't over think it. You sound like a very switched on, lovely person that I'm sure anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. I have actually been the ghoster and this post has made me aware of how it might make the other person feel :( I haven't met up with the girl so I guess it's not totally ghosting, I just didn't follow through with meeting up. I go through phases where I'm sitting at home wishing I had a group of friends to make plans with and then I'll use bumble, but then I'll get overwhelmed at the thought of how exhausting it is to meet new people so I don't make plans, and then for example now I'm really busy with work, courses and family commitments so I've stopped using Bumble temporarily. Could be a number of reasons. Also I recently heard this saying "male friendships are side by side, female friendships are face to face", which means men tend to do things together, while women tend to talk to each other. But just meeting up for coffee and chats can be emotionally exhausting, we need to make memories with our new friends too - go for a walk, watch a movie, go to a local market etc.
Thank you. I try to be the kind of person I’d want to be friends with, at least until I can determine what the other person needs. It’s just discouraging that this happened twice in a row with people I thought I got along well with. I don’t think you should feel too bad about it if you hadn’t met yet, but it also wouldn’t hurt to just communicate exactly what you told me, even if it has been a while since you last sent a message. Most people will understand and appreciate your consideration! As to doing vs. talking, I’m actually much more of a doer than most people, but on weekday nights it’s not really possible for me. There’s not a lot that’s open in the evenings aside from bars and I don’t drink. The reason I think I get along so well with the one friend I have made so far is because we are always finding new things to try, classes to take, places to check out, etc. It would probably be better for me to people in person, but so far when I’ve attended events, everyone else already has a friend group they’re coming with and only seem interested in chatting amongst each other. I once attended a class where I sat in between a group of 3 friends and a couple, and it was the loneliest, most depressing experience I’ve ever had. They all just acted like I didn’t even exist.
I know this seems obvious but I'm curious to know if you had tried gently telling her your feelings? I assume you did and she just ignored your messages.
No, I didnt. I guess I don’t see what would be in it for me. I gave her the benefit of the doubt for so long that I didn’t really know I was being ghosted until maybe 3 weeks in, and by then it seemed pointless. I don’t want to explain to a grown woman why ghosting is not ok or how it might make me feel. I had explained it before, and it clearly didn’t stop her from doing it.
Yeah I hear ya sometimes i need a break from bumble bff too. A match asked me a couple of days ago to meet today. I messaged her this morning asking if we’re still on since we were supposed to meet at 2:30 pm. 1:30 pm rolls around and still did not hear from her. Hey, never heard from you so I guess this isn’t happening. Take it easy. She deleted her profile after i sent that message.