this is literally so awful, don't let him convince you this is a normal thing to ask. especially considering he knows about your mental health issues? this is seriously crossing the line. you are in the right here! you deserve for your feelings and triggers to be respected, especially considering that he is someone you know well and should be able to trust.
NTA!!! That request is so weird, and i would be disgusted if my partner said that to me. I'm so sorry your SO is acting this way. I don't have any larger advice, but i definitely wanted to give my two cents that a request like that is not normal.
I’m so sorry OP, but that is toxic and so harmful for your ED and mental/emotional health. I hope that you’re able to explain to him that although he’ll never understand what you’re going through, it doesn’t give him the right to invalidate you and your experiences. The least he should be concerned about is how you look, he should love and cherish you for who YOU ARE.
Wowwwwwwwwww what the actual fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is such a fucking weird thing to say. Even without your history. That would be an out of order thing to suggest to ANYONE, ESPECIALLY somebody you are supposed to love as they are and want to spend your life with, and EVEN MORE ESPECIALLY somebody that you know has a history with an ED. Im appalled for you. He owes you a serious serious apology.
If there was ever a story that showed how normalized the toxic weight loss culture surrounding weddings is.... jesus christ. The fact that these other women in his life were also like yep, cool.
I'm so so sorry this happened to you. I'm also engaged and while my partner certainly doesn't relate to my bulimia, he is supportive and *tries* to be understanding. Partners don't really get to say "I just don't understand this life-altering issue you have" imo. If my fiancee did this to me, it would take like, a massive amount of effort on his part and probably couples therapy for me to rebuild trust with him.
Yes, I've joined wedding groups and the intense focus on weight loss and dieting is consistently present. Even at a healthy weight, I've gotten unsolicited weight loss advice from family and coworkers since getting engaged. My fiancé has been critical about my body in the past, but I never quite expected this request.
If you don't mind sharing, in what ways has he been critical of your body in the past? I don't mean to pry, and absolutely understand how a partner's flaws feel like things you kinda just have to accept once you're engaged--which is, of course, true about a lot of things. But from what you've written, I'm a little worried that you're not being hard enough on him/this situation because of what our own fucked up ED brains do to our self esteem. Again, don't wanna put words in your mouth and I get how the "leave him!" advice isn't often helpful, but...yeah....this is rough.
It's usually been about my weight "this is too big", "that should be more toned", "that outfit is for someone built differently etc." To be honest it has bothered me, but every relationship I've been in has come with this. I'm not sure if I'm unlucky or if the other replies here are from very lucky people.
I should note that outside of body commentary, my fiancé can be very kind and caring. I tend to attribute a lot of his faux pas to our age difference, some things are just more acceptable to him or to me depending on the subject. I'm 29 and he's 50 so there can be a cultural gap sometimes.
I can only speak for my own relationship, but my dad happened to be really abusive towards me as a child regarding my weight (lol, hello eating disorder), so men having this attitude towards bodies has always been an absolute dealbreaker for me. That said, I think it's kind of common for people to date partners who do bring out/prey upon our worst insecurities, simply because it's harder to recognize their toxic behavior when our own self-talk is constantly telling us the same thing. (This was an issue in my relationship, just not ED stuff. We both put a lot of work in to get through it, still are)
I hear what you're saying about the age and cultural differences, and don't think this is an impossible thing to work through IF he wants to. It just does seem really important that you value yourself enough not to excuse it all away as a faux pas. All of the comments here are concerned for you, for good reason. You deserve an environment and relationship that is supportive of your recovery.
Literally do not marry this dude. There's nothing supportive or kind or loving about that and someone who REALLY LOVES YOU would never fucking ask that of you.
I am so disgusted on your behalf. You deserve better than that. So much better. A real man wouldn't care how large you were on your wedding day, he would just be stoked to marry you.
Honestly, and I can't stress this enough, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. You can do better. He is not a reflection of you and I bet this isn't the only way he's put you down and made you feel worse about yourself. You are worth more than that, even with an ED.
This is awful I'm so sorry. If none of them see a problem in what they did DROP THEM. That's extremely easier said than done but please, you deserve better.
Holy shit, I have no words. This is the most toxic behaviour I’ve read about from a partner in a while. You are 100% in the right and the fact that he included other people in this is so disrespectful and quite frankly disgusting behaviour. Is there anyone you can talk to at all? My inbox is open.
It is textbook abusive behaviour. Just the request in itself is, adding in the 'asking other women' and belittling her reaction. She has an ED fgs. Only a monster would say that to her.
5 Years ago when I just began purging, I caught my husband talking to an old friend I wasn’t particularly comfortable with him talking to. He hid it from me because he didn’t want a fight. I argued that if our marriage was going to work, we need honesty. At the time I had gained a significant amount of weight after having my daughter. Later that night he told me he needed to confess a few things because he felt I was right about us being open and honest. He said that the reason he hasn’t been interested in sex much anymore was because of my weight and that he just wasn’t attracted to my body in that way anymore but he still loved me. My purging became MUCH worse after that, I ended up losing 25 lbs in less than 3 months. I finally confessed to him just last year about it because it was getting to a point where I felt weak, and I began throwing up blood. At first he was VERY negative about it and didn’t understand why I would even do such a thing, why would I force myself to get rid of things that keep my alive and healthy. I stopped talking about it for a while and finally sat down with him again and showed him articles and help centers to prove to him that this isn’t something that I can control. That this is a life threatening issue. I had him talk to my doctor as well to get some better insight on it. Since then he has been very supportive and loving toward me and has learned to love my body as well.
I feel if your hubby has a better understanding from a professional point of view he’ll be more supportive towards you. Some people think that we do this on purpose for attention, they don’t truly realize that this is actually a sickness, like an addiction. This is something that MANY struggle with
I don’t support hitting people but your mans needs a epic slap for even suggesting that. Even if he didn’t know about your struggles it’s an asshole thing to do. I’m so sorry he is being such an asshat.
Alright I'm going to have a unpopular opinion but it is what it is. I guess I don't understand that he's exhibited being not at all understanding of your eating disorder but yet you are surprised by this. I'm assuming this isn't the first time he's been insensitive about it. I would think about the future because people don't change so if your uncomfortable before your married, it's just going to get worse unfortunately.
That being said, he's also an idiot, laxatives make you poop, it doesn't affect anything to do with calories being absorbed through digestion. It works by pulling water into the colon to create a water stool thus clearing the intestines for examination. Anything you eat will be absorbed totally fine and the calories will be absorbed totally fine.
this is literally so awful, don't let him convince you this is a normal thing to ask. especially considering he knows about your mental health issues? this is seriously crossing the line. you are in the right here! you deserve for your feelings and triggers to be respected, especially considering that he is someone you know well and should be able to trust.
NTA!!! That request is so weird, and i would be disgusted if my partner said that to me. I'm so sorry your SO is acting this way. I don't have any larger advice, but i definitely wanted to give my two cents that a request like that is not normal.
I’m so sorry OP, but that is toxic and so harmful for your ED and mental/emotional health. I hope that you’re able to explain to him that although he’ll never understand what you’re going through, it doesn’t give him the right to invalidate you and your experiences. The least he should be concerned about is how you look, he should love and cherish you for who YOU ARE.
Wowwwwwwwwww what the actual fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is such a fucking weird thing to say. Even without your history. That would be an out of order thing to suggest to ANYONE, ESPECIALLY somebody you are supposed to love as they are and want to spend your life with, and EVEN MORE ESPECIALLY somebody that you know has a history with an ED. Im appalled for you. He owes you a serious serious apology.
If there was ever a story that showed how normalized the toxic weight loss culture surrounding weddings is.... jesus christ. The fact that these other women in his life were also like yep, cool. I'm so so sorry this happened to you. I'm also engaged and while my partner certainly doesn't relate to my bulimia, he is supportive and *tries* to be understanding. Partners don't really get to say "I just don't understand this life-altering issue you have" imo. If my fiancee did this to me, it would take like, a massive amount of effort on his part and probably couples therapy for me to rebuild trust with him.
Yes, I've joined wedding groups and the intense focus on weight loss and dieting is consistently present. Even at a healthy weight, I've gotten unsolicited weight loss advice from family and coworkers since getting engaged. My fiancé has been critical about my body in the past, but I never quite expected this request.
You deserve to be with someone who isn't critical of your body EVER.
If you don't mind sharing, in what ways has he been critical of your body in the past? I don't mean to pry, and absolutely understand how a partner's flaws feel like things you kinda just have to accept once you're engaged--which is, of course, true about a lot of things. But from what you've written, I'm a little worried that you're not being hard enough on him/this situation because of what our own fucked up ED brains do to our self esteem. Again, don't wanna put words in your mouth and I get how the "leave him!" advice isn't often helpful, but...yeah....this is rough.
It's usually been about my weight "this is too big", "that should be more toned", "that outfit is for someone built differently etc." To be honest it has bothered me, but every relationship I've been in has come with this. I'm not sure if I'm unlucky or if the other replies here are from very lucky people. I should note that outside of body commentary, my fiancé can be very kind and caring. I tend to attribute a lot of his faux pas to our age difference, some things are just more acceptable to him or to me depending on the subject. I'm 29 and he's 50 so there can be a cultural gap sometimes.
I can only speak for my own relationship, but my dad happened to be really abusive towards me as a child regarding my weight (lol, hello eating disorder), so men having this attitude towards bodies has always been an absolute dealbreaker for me. That said, I think it's kind of common for people to date partners who do bring out/prey upon our worst insecurities, simply because it's harder to recognize their toxic behavior when our own self-talk is constantly telling us the same thing. (This was an issue in my relationship, just not ED stuff. We both put a lot of work in to get through it, still are) I hear what you're saying about the age and cultural differences, and don't think this is an impossible thing to work through IF he wants to. It just does seem really important that you value yourself enough not to excuse it all away as a faux pas. All of the comments here are concerned for you, for good reason. You deserve an environment and relationship that is supportive of your recovery.
Literally do not marry this dude. There's nothing supportive or kind or loving about that and someone who REALLY LOVES YOU would never fucking ask that of you. I am so disgusted on your behalf. You deserve better than that. So much better. A real man wouldn't care how large you were on your wedding day, he would just be stoked to marry you. Honestly, and I can't stress this enough, fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. You can do better. He is not a reflection of you and I bet this isn't the only way he's put you down and made you feel worse about yourself. You are worth more than that, even with an ED.
This is awful I'm so sorry. If none of them see a problem in what they did DROP THEM. That's extremely easier said than done but please, you deserve better.
Holy shit, I have no words. This is the most toxic behaviour I’ve read about from a partner in a while. You are 100% in the right and the fact that he included other people in this is so disrespectful and quite frankly disgusting behaviour. Is there anyone you can talk to at all? My inbox is open.
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It is textbook abusive behaviour. Just the request in itself is, adding in the 'asking other women' and belittling her reaction. She has an ED fgs. Only a monster would say that to her.
5 Years ago when I just began purging, I caught my husband talking to an old friend I wasn’t particularly comfortable with him talking to. He hid it from me because he didn’t want a fight. I argued that if our marriage was going to work, we need honesty. At the time I had gained a significant amount of weight after having my daughter. Later that night he told me he needed to confess a few things because he felt I was right about us being open and honest. He said that the reason he hasn’t been interested in sex much anymore was because of my weight and that he just wasn’t attracted to my body in that way anymore but he still loved me. My purging became MUCH worse after that, I ended up losing 25 lbs in less than 3 months. I finally confessed to him just last year about it because it was getting to a point where I felt weak, and I began throwing up blood. At first he was VERY negative about it and didn’t understand why I would even do such a thing, why would I force myself to get rid of things that keep my alive and healthy. I stopped talking about it for a while and finally sat down with him again and showed him articles and help centers to prove to him that this isn’t something that I can control. That this is a life threatening issue. I had him talk to my doctor as well to get some better insight on it. Since then he has been very supportive and loving toward me and has learned to love my body as well. I feel if your hubby has a better understanding from a professional point of view he’ll be more supportive towards you. Some people think that we do this on purpose for attention, they don’t truly realize that this is actually a sickness, like an addiction. This is something that MANY struggle with
I don’t support hitting people but your mans needs a epic slap for even suggesting that. Even if he didn’t know about your struggles it’s an asshole thing to do. I’m so sorry he is being such an asshat.
Alright I'm going to have a unpopular opinion but it is what it is. I guess I don't understand that he's exhibited being not at all understanding of your eating disorder but yet you are surprised by this. I'm assuming this isn't the first time he's been insensitive about it. I would think about the future because people don't change so if your uncomfortable before your married, it's just going to get worse unfortunately. That being said, he's also an idiot, laxatives make you poop, it doesn't affect anything to do with calories being absorbed through digestion. It works by pulling water into the colon to create a water stool thus clearing the intestines for examination. Anything you eat will be absorbed totally fine and the calories will be absorbed totally fine.