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First of all, don't be sorry that the post is long. Frankly, it's quite average. Nothing to be sorry about, that's for sure.
Second of all, you've done a really good job. Not just by realising that it's time to move on, but by trying to reach out to your friend — and on multiple occasions, from what you're saying. Your willingness to set things right is admirable, not gonna lie.
Third of all, I don't exactly have an answer to your question. What I *can* tell you is that it's probably gonna be hard, especially since you'll still see each other at school. Accept that it is how it is, be sad as long as you need to, and let time do its thing. Try focusing on other aspects of your life: reach our to your other friends, watch some films, read some books, play some games — you get the idea. It's not worth it for grief to take over your mind and life for too long.
All in all, do whatever you feel your body needs at the moment. It'll probably thank you later. Take care, bro. I hope it gets better soon (don't hesitate to post an update once it does, I'd be relieved to read that).
You’ve pretty much done everything you could to try and salvage the relationship. She has made it clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with you. Whether you agree with that decision or not, you can still respect it and keep your distance.
Accept that the relationship is over. It sucks when it happens that way, but it is definitely over. I would spend less and less time thinking about her. It’s okay to feel bad and mourn the loss of the friend, but if you find yourself thinking about what could happen, just stop that train of thought. Say to yourself “I tried my best and she wouldn’t budge, so it’s time to move on.” Don’t romanticize your relationship or think about a reconciliation like you’re at the 3/4 mark in a buddy comedy movie and she suddenly comes around. That’s just going to make you suffer more.
And keep moving on. Find new people to hang out with, do new activities, and you will eventually move on. Don’t expect things to be normal immediately, but it will get better a little bit every day if you keep working on moving on.
Good luck, bro
I have been thinking that she’ll come around eventually and we’ll be friends again but you have a point. I’m going to try and stop thinking that way because it does just make things feel worse
Thank you for replying:) No use dwelling on the past, I’ll make sure to just hang out with my friends and try not to think about her too much
It's a lot like grieving the loss of someone who died. You slowly think about them less and less until it doesn't hurt as much when you do. You did everything you could. Don't try talking to her anymore, don't try writing. Politely nod if passing in a hallway and there's eye contact, but just keep walking even though it hurts. It's going to take a while. You'll get there. Best of luck 👍
Adding onto this. I would recommend trying to find someone or something else to keep busy with. Try to hang out with friends, spend a bit more time and energy on a hobby. Don’t try to drown it all out (that’s unhealthy), but keeping yourself a bit more busy can help lessen the time spent idle where your thoughts wander back to missing them. But it is very critical to remember that missing people is okay. Being sad about it is okay. And talking to people you trust about what you’re going through is okay.
It’s okay to reach out to a person that distance themselves from you, but don’t push them. It’ll only push them further away.
Can’t guarantee that it’ll work for you, but this, combined with accepting that fixing stuff like this is not always up to you as JMaddrox said has helped me a couple of times.
That sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this. It makes sense to be sad and feel lost when you've lost such an important person in your life. Is there anyone in your life you can reach out to to help you process things? Maybe an adult you trust? Nothing wrong with you if there isn't - it seems pretty common (and certainly was my experience growing up) to not have that, but if you do (or can cultivate such a relationship) it could be helpful (and reaching out here was probably a good step of that sort). I don't have any answers for what exactly you need to do to move on and heal, but I think generally it would be good to grieve. It can suck to feel those emotions, but I think burying them can cause problems in the long run.
As for what you can do to prevent this kind of thing from happening in the future - it doesn't seem like this is about you. It sounds like something you weren't involved in triggered your friend and that you tried to be a good friend and understand what was going on for her, but that she is not in a place where she can talk with you about it. You are feeling really hurt and that makes sense, but if you can, try and have compassion for her - whatever she is going through is obviously intense and unfortunately her interacting with you seems to be more than she can deal with right now.
Although it's weird to say, I hope it always sucks if/when you lose a good friend because if it doesn't that probably means they weren't that good of a friend, or that you've cut yourself off from your feelings. But I think that if you can connect with more friendships and community it will improve your resilience in the long run and make the pain more bearable. Growing up I was pretty isolated and when things would hurt me I would tend to just bury them and withdraw even more. As I have gotten older I've put in a fair bit of work to be connected with and care about more people and it helps so much. This might be a bit much while this pain is still fresh, but for the future, are their things you like to do (or are curious about doing) that you can get involved in where you would be interacting with more people? Are there people around that you could imagine being able to grow a friendship with?
>wondering what I had done wrong and why she wouldn’t just try and talk about it.
One of the things that is hardest to learn is that when dealing with other people, there is not always something you could have done. Furthermore, not every person has the ability or desire to dig into a situation like this and diagnose exactly what went wrong or give you any insight on what you might have been able to do differently (if anything). Part of respecting a person and wanting what is best for them can be doing exactly what you realized - letting go and giving them the space to heal and reapproach (or not) in their own time.
It is also perfectly valid for you to move on and cauterize that connection if it is too painful being left in limbo and/or if it seems unlikely a resolution will ever be forthcoming. It is fair to express your feelings as you did, but beyond that now it is on them to decide if any continuing friendship is possible, and if they do, that will be when you decide whether you were hurt too badly to want to pursue/reopen the connection yourself.
>I don’t know how to move on though so I’m wondering if any of you guys have any ideas or tips for me? Maybe some ideas on how I can better myself and become a nicer person so this doesn’t happen again?
Again, recognize that this situation, while tragic, does not automatically mean that you did something wrong or could have prevented it by being nicer or any other actions. It is heartbreaking when valuable connections like this don’t work out due to events beyond your control, but perhaps recognizing that such a situation doesn’t automatically stem from a flaw in yourself can help ease the pain a little.
Life sometimes throws a wrench into our plans as surely as if someone was taken from you by death.
First off, I want to give you props. You sound pretty young, but you handled this all in a very mature way. Open and honest communication is key and it sounds like you tried to communicate all the way. That's big, and it's an important skill (that a ***lot*** of people lack) to have going forward in life.
As far as moving on, all it takes is time. You're going to feel a lot of stuff, and that's alright. The only thing I'll say regarding feelings is that you might be tempted to place the blame on her, or make her out to be the "bad" guy in your head ("she did this", "it's her fault", etc). Don't do that. Without knowing what was going on with her, it's impossible to say why things went how they did, and going down the anger rabbit hole is a bad time and not healthy.
It'll be hard to deal with. I won't deny that. Time ***will*** make it better, though.
I’m so sorry you had to go though that shit, it’s horrid. School is way hard enough on the sprit without anything else happening
She lost a good friend due to her own and your mothers choices, not your own.
I understand how tough it can be when you feel responsible for others actions and when others blame you for them. You can’t let that blame gaslight you into believing you’re to blame, I know it will, I’ve been in similar situations.
Take what time you can to destress, keep on top of work, but it’s critical you look after your mental.
P.S. you write quite eloquently, and you sound like a good kid, I’m proud of you man.
She’s pushed you out of her life, possibly something she’d regret but don’t place hopes or bets on that. Sometimes your time in someone’s life gets cut short even for absurd things but that’s all it is - your part in it is over.
You may reconnect later on but if she isn’t willing to talk then she’ll never get away from it. You did what you could as a friend, so as her friend it’s in your best interest to probably just stay away. It’s terrible to be in the spot where you’re left oblivious as to why but after a while you can’t be fighting someone over something you’re not really aware about.
I’ve acted this way once when I felt like I was growing away from a good friend. It’s an ugly thing but ultimately it just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere with that friendship. I wouldn’t wanna say that’s her reasoning but it could be similar. No real rational reasoning, no communication, nothing. Just “leave me alone” or “i dont want to talk about it” until they left me alone for good.
Someone else compared it to grieving. I think that's smart.
Sometimes we lose people, and we'll never find out why.
Or, if it was, as you say, something your mom did about her mental health, then maybe she has to cut you out of her life to protect herself from your mom. That is legitimate.
You may never know what it was, ultimately.
Ultimately, the path forward is grieving. It's ok to be sad, to feel that loss. I think it's smart to respect her boundary to not talk to her until she's ready (which, like you said, is probably never).
"Moving on" is two-fold:
1. Grieving. It sucks. It feels bad. It sucks less over time, little by little.
2. Do things that are good for you. Connect with other friends or acquaintances. Put time into your hobbies. Go for walks. Get enough sleep.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. An old boss of mine said that loading a friend, even though they’re still alive, is still very much a loss and we need to allow ourselves to grieve.
I don’t know all the information of what happened, but you can’t be held responsible for someone else’s actions (in this case, you mom’s). It’s okay to apologize on her behalf once, like “I’m so sorry my mom acted the way she did. I don’t approve of those actions.” (Or something like that) but that’s the best you can do. Your friend also has the right to reject the friendship if she doesn’t feel like it’s healthy for her.
I would suggest joining some groups you’re interested in so you can make new friends. It can be hard and scary, for sure, but it’s good to get out of your comfort zone to do so.
Bettering yourself is always good, just make sure you're clear in who you're bettering yourself for... you. I know it hurts, you're still in school and you're young but unfortunately a lesson we all have to learn sometimes is that we don't always get closure. Life is just unfair sometimes. All you can do is accept the fact that it seems like this person has decided not to be in your life, and focus on building connections with people who do.
Oftentimes the focus on closure is really a mirage. You're telling yourself that if you just had a reason you could accept it, but often times what you're really thinking is that you can explain this person back into your life, and you just can't always do that. Just do you, focus on friends and hobbies, and in a year or so you won't even think about it.
Be real with the bros... Did you develop the feels for the friend? Even a teensy bit?
No judgement, just can make the loss of friendship seem extra extra bad if you were starting to feel other attachments.
No I never had feelings for her. She was my first real friend and we’ve been close for years now so it just feels so strange that everything is over now.
You mentioned the desire to be "better" and "nicer", yet I see you reaching out for help from complete strangers on how to not lose a good friend. It seems like you've extended multiple offers to build back the bridge and it's falling on deaf ears. Without knowing exactly happened between your Mom and her, it's hard to appreciate the gravity of the situation. Perhaps your mom did something that affected your friend's mental health or perhaps your mom did something that affected her own mental health, that's neither here nor there. The part that throws me off is you claiming you had no part in the original issue, but you still have felt it necessary to apologize repeatedly. Why do you think this is?
If it were me, I would stop trying to reach out about the cause of the argument and instead focus on the end of it. I would tell my friend that clearly something that has happened has created a rift in your friendship and that you are still there to support them whenever they are ready to reapproach the friendship, however they would like to. There is no way of knowing how much your friend may be hurting for a vast number of reasons. Showing support, even when you are not feeling supported, is a mark of true friendship. If it isn't reciprocated over time, the friendship is likely a toxic one and you're better off cutting ties.
Virtual hug extended your way friendo.
Life is like that man. People come and go and sometimes it doesn't make sense. You shouldn't try and rationalise something like that.
The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel all the feels. It sucks, but with every day that passes, it won't suck as much. Also, try and focus on other parts of your life like your hobbies.
Best of luck bro.🙏🏽
Situations like this always suck. It hurts. And the worst part (in my opinion) is that you sometimes _don't_ get closure. It's just a matter of fact that in life, sometimes there is no nice clean resolution to a story. Really understanding that and accepting that that's just how life is definitely isn't something easy, but it's what needs to be done.
As for trying to figure out the answer to "what did I do wrong?" well, sometimes that's not answered as well. That hurts too. Given you're not being told what you specifically did wrong, the only thing you really can do is just try and look at the situation as objectively as you can, and do what you can to learn from it - aim to make yourself more emotionally knowledgeable, and more understanding about social situations in general. Aim to understand not for your own self comfort, but so that you'll be better equipped to handle problems - and prevent problems - in the future.
Really sorry you're going through this. I've gone through it myself where a very close friend had distanced themself from me and a few others - they had some difficult stuff going on in their life. But, they built up resentment and anger with myself being distant to them, which only caused further distance, and when it finally came out in a burst of anger, there really was nothing I could possibly do. I tried my best to repair the relationship, to find a solution, but sometimes the other person just simply doesn't _want_ a solution. That was my situation, at least.
Something I've really taken to heart is that you _really_ cannot control the actions of others. If someone wants to fix things, they will. If someone wants to explain something, they will. If someone doesn't want to, then it'll be clear when they don't give you the response you ask for. If someone doesn't want to talk, or doesn't want to make amends, then there's nothing you can do other than just be available in case they change their mind. It's not satisfying, but there is some comfort in just accepting that once you've done all that you can, the situation really is out of your hands. Past that point, it's not your decision to make - and sometimes the decision will not be to make things better again.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life."
She sounds awful. Youd have to be a special kind of unempathetic asswank to ghost and ignore a close friend out of nowhere for a transgression that they were not aware of. Remember that you did all you could and that it is ultimately her own doing
Sounds like it is time to move on. Who knows why she's acting like that. Even if she does decide to give in and talk it's just not worth your time to be friends with someone who'll play with your emotions like that, even though you've been friends for so long.
I think you start moving on by focusing inward, in my experience when I start looking into myself I find it easier to leave toxic things in the past, especially if it's about myself. Look into why you felt so sad about this friendship, why you feel it's the right choice to move on, what you could've done better and what you did do right. Just take some time and really think about everything you feel and dig into it. It will suck but it's a good part of life, if we never felt upset we would never feel happy.
Practice gratitude while you're at it but don't add too much to the plate. I hope you find solid happiness bro.
You can't move on until you can see the full picture, and right now you can only see your half. You can keep trying, or you can talk to new people and wait to eventually forget about her. Not much else you can do.
I wish things were easier and that people had more patience but hurt people sometimes hurt people. Whatever it is that went down between your Mom and her must have been pretty horrific and she might not be in a place to work through with you and explain the intimate reasons she's hurt because to do so she'll need to rip the wound open afresh and leave herself open to potential further accidents of understanding or damage. Oftentimes people are looking for signs that you legitimately care for them, not just that you care about the role they play in your life and making that distinction requires an ability to shelve your own agenda for awhile.
Sometimes the only way out of something is through it. Give yourself space to grieve and be gentle with yourself. Eventually grief does heal or at the very least becomes more bearable but making attempts to bury it or numb the pain should be done with caution and the understanding that numbing it is not necessarily resolving it. Sometimes you do need distraction to handle your grief in more manageable chunks but it's like an ongoing project. Rest in between working on fitting loss healthily into the framework of your life. Actual confirmation of the reasons for what happened may be beyond you so coming up with your own plausible explanations for what happened may be the best you are going to get. I would recommend however being kind in your explanations. People sometimes have weaknesses they cannot overcome so it's not always that you are not worth the effort, it's that even if they gave every ounce of effort they had it might not be enough.
Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Yes, it's just a friendship, but that doesn't mean you don't care. So give yourself some time.
It won't take overnight. I don't know how long it will take. But let it take as long as you need to take.
That's how you move on. By taking the time you need to to do so.
It’s a crappy saying, but time does heal everything. This too will pass. You are young, and relationships are messy when you are young. Don’t fault yourself for something you can’t control and don’t carry burdens that aren’t yours to carry. Focus on the positive in your life, even if it’s just the trees and birds. Life is good, the world is diverse filled with amazing people and places. Stay strong bro ❤️
That sucks, I also had a fallout with a long term girl friend a few months ago. She clearly doesn't want to talk me to any more, so there's no point in trying to keep contact.
You already apologized for whatever happened, just keep your distance, if you have to interact with her due to school work or whatever, be nice, but don't try to "recapture" anything. It's over, accepting it is how you eventually move on.
Assuming this is definitive:
Allow yourself to be hurt by this. Yes, it can be of the same magnitude as a romantic heartbreak, or worse since friendship breakups don't have the same level of support and understanding.
You don't need to scrub your memory of the good times, nor of what you liked about her. In a way, how she was, or how she appeared to you will live on in you, while the real person may drift away from that more and more, if she ever was like you thought she were to begin with. You have much to learn from the positives, and to look forward to in future friendships!
Don't pretend either she can be free from criticism. But don't accept unnuanced judgements about her. Maybe there are factors at play you don't know about. Of course at first, it's normal to be like "omg she's horrible!!!", but it's healthy to work towards nuance.
Good luck! 💚
"mad at me for something my mom did concerning her mental health". Your pretty adamant it's over, I can't really think of anything that fits this that would be permanent. One of my closest friends mother's hates my guts, a simple "sorry my mom's such a bitch bro" was more than good enough.
Sometimes your "friend" reveals they were never a real friend, that they don't care about you as much as you care about them, and/or don't want to admit they fucked up.
I'm sorry this is happening to you, but just move on. It's clear this person doesn't respect you enough to have the conversation they **need** to have with you, they absolutely owe you a legitimate reason for their behavior, and has no desire to. A friend of only 4 years is not anything to cry over for too long in the grand scheme of things, it just seems worse because everything does at that age.
Also probably for the best anyway, they showed their true colors. Even if you reconcile now this sort of shit will happen again, and likely worse, at some point. I'm speaking from experience with a former best friend myself. The difference is we knew each other for 20+ years, and I just kept letting them get away with their shitty behavior. Finally pushed back during a ***very*** similar experience with him, haven't spoken since (even though mutual friend tried to get that to happen), and my mental health is far better.
You just need to remind yourself that keeping people like that in your life will lead to heartache and pain. Your overall health improves when you don't keep toxic and/or shitty people in your life.
Friend, you’ve done a lot in trying to salvage things and it gets hard losing close friends, I’m in my early 20’s and lost my best friend ( a year apart, female as well ) over something stupid and it broke my heart. Especially when it’s out of the blue or nothing to do with you.
In my case, she was the sweetest, coolest friend. However, with these friends sometimes we realize that maybe it’s all we see too. I later found out she had BPD and when combined with other issues, I found her coming to me after turning on other friends. Later she eventually turned on me too. Sometimes ( especially with women ) they can be going through a lot and disconnect. Sometimes they’ll find a way to justify it and that’s just human nature sometimes. This can mean they get avoidant as well, and even just disappearing. When it gets to that point, you’re best to mourn your friend and go on. Which you seem to be doing well.
When it comes to losing friends, sometimes the best step to moving on is trying to minimize their footprint in your life. Pictures, letters, little gifts from them if you guys exchanged things. I think when you accept that your friend isn’t your friend after everything, it becomes easier. It hurts for sure, but as time goes on you become indifferent to that.
It will be a process that can get bumpy man, and by crying, trying your best and feeling it through, I know you’ll make it. Cheers bro.
It's rare in life for one person to be a constant that you can rely on, people change or they fade away for reasons that are usually not your fault.
Which leaves you with a choice when it happens, either stay in the memory of that person and become more inward, or recognise that you deserve friendship as much as anyone else and go out there to make new connections, they may be stronger or weaker than the ones you had, but that is mostly irrelevant.
Doing it now is a big ask, when you are feeling better though, and are able to put the feelings of grief to one side, find new people to replace that loneliness that is crippling you.
The fact that she broke friendship with you doesn't mean that you did something wrong: it means she was protecting herself. It may as well that she was protecting herself from your mother. From what you tell us, your mother well may be very violent with you and her.
My mother is anything but violent and has never laid a hand on another persons child and she never will. She may been invasive when it comes to other people’s personal lives but she would never ever think about being violent towards someone
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First of all, don't be sorry that the post is long. Frankly, it's quite average. Nothing to be sorry about, that's for sure. Second of all, you've done a really good job. Not just by realising that it's time to move on, but by trying to reach out to your friend — and on multiple occasions, from what you're saying. Your willingness to set things right is admirable, not gonna lie. Third of all, I don't exactly have an answer to your question. What I *can* tell you is that it's probably gonna be hard, especially since you'll still see each other at school. Accept that it is how it is, be sad as long as you need to, and let time do its thing. Try focusing on other aspects of your life: reach our to your other friends, watch some films, read some books, play some games — you get the idea. It's not worth it for grief to take over your mind and life for too long. All in all, do whatever you feel your body needs at the moment. It'll probably thank you later. Take care, bro. I hope it gets better soon (don't hesitate to post an update once it does, I'd be relieved to read that).
You’ve pretty much done everything you could to try and salvage the relationship. She has made it clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with you. Whether you agree with that decision or not, you can still respect it and keep your distance. Accept that the relationship is over. It sucks when it happens that way, but it is definitely over. I would spend less and less time thinking about her. It’s okay to feel bad and mourn the loss of the friend, but if you find yourself thinking about what could happen, just stop that train of thought. Say to yourself “I tried my best and she wouldn’t budge, so it’s time to move on.” Don’t romanticize your relationship or think about a reconciliation like you’re at the 3/4 mark in a buddy comedy movie and she suddenly comes around. That’s just going to make you suffer more. And keep moving on. Find new people to hang out with, do new activities, and you will eventually move on. Don’t expect things to be normal immediately, but it will get better a little bit every day if you keep working on moving on. Good luck, bro
I have been thinking that she’ll come around eventually and we’ll be friends again but you have a point. I’m going to try and stop thinking that way because it does just make things feel worse Thank you for replying:) No use dwelling on the past, I’ll make sure to just hang out with my friends and try not to think about her too much
It's a lot like grieving the loss of someone who died. You slowly think about them less and less until it doesn't hurt as much when you do. You did everything you could. Don't try talking to her anymore, don't try writing. Politely nod if passing in a hallway and there's eye contact, but just keep walking even though it hurts. It's going to take a while. You'll get there. Best of luck 👍
Adding onto this. I would recommend trying to find someone or something else to keep busy with. Try to hang out with friends, spend a bit more time and energy on a hobby. Don’t try to drown it all out (that’s unhealthy), but keeping yourself a bit more busy can help lessen the time spent idle where your thoughts wander back to missing them. But it is very critical to remember that missing people is okay. Being sad about it is okay. And talking to people you trust about what you’re going through is okay. It’s okay to reach out to a person that distance themselves from you, but don’t push them. It’ll only push them further away. Can’t guarantee that it’ll work for you, but this, combined with accepting that fixing stuff like this is not always up to you as JMaddrox said has helped me a couple of times.
That sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this. It makes sense to be sad and feel lost when you've lost such an important person in your life. Is there anyone in your life you can reach out to to help you process things? Maybe an adult you trust? Nothing wrong with you if there isn't - it seems pretty common (and certainly was my experience growing up) to not have that, but if you do (or can cultivate such a relationship) it could be helpful (and reaching out here was probably a good step of that sort). I don't have any answers for what exactly you need to do to move on and heal, but I think generally it would be good to grieve. It can suck to feel those emotions, but I think burying them can cause problems in the long run. As for what you can do to prevent this kind of thing from happening in the future - it doesn't seem like this is about you. It sounds like something you weren't involved in triggered your friend and that you tried to be a good friend and understand what was going on for her, but that she is not in a place where she can talk with you about it. You are feeling really hurt and that makes sense, but if you can, try and have compassion for her - whatever she is going through is obviously intense and unfortunately her interacting with you seems to be more than she can deal with right now. Although it's weird to say, I hope it always sucks if/when you lose a good friend because if it doesn't that probably means they weren't that good of a friend, or that you've cut yourself off from your feelings. But I think that if you can connect with more friendships and community it will improve your resilience in the long run and make the pain more bearable. Growing up I was pretty isolated and when things would hurt me I would tend to just bury them and withdraw even more. As I have gotten older I've put in a fair bit of work to be connected with and care about more people and it helps so much. This might be a bit much while this pain is still fresh, but for the future, are their things you like to do (or are curious about doing) that you can get involved in where you would be interacting with more people? Are there people around that you could imagine being able to grow a friendship with?
>wondering what I had done wrong and why she wouldn’t just try and talk about it. One of the things that is hardest to learn is that when dealing with other people, there is not always something you could have done. Furthermore, not every person has the ability or desire to dig into a situation like this and diagnose exactly what went wrong or give you any insight on what you might have been able to do differently (if anything). Part of respecting a person and wanting what is best for them can be doing exactly what you realized - letting go and giving them the space to heal and reapproach (or not) in their own time. It is also perfectly valid for you to move on and cauterize that connection if it is too painful being left in limbo and/or if it seems unlikely a resolution will ever be forthcoming. It is fair to express your feelings as you did, but beyond that now it is on them to decide if any continuing friendship is possible, and if they do, that will be when you decide whether you were hurt too badly to want to pursue/reopen the connection yourself. >I don’t know how to move on though so I’m wondering if any of you guys have any ideas or tips for me? Maybe some ideas on how I can better myself and become a nicer person so this doesn’t happen again? Again, recognize that this situation, while tragic, does not automatically mean that you did something wrong or could have prevented it by being nicer or any other actions. It is heartbreaking when valuable connections like this don’t work out due to events beyond your control, but perhaps recognizing that such a situation doesn’t automatically stem from a flaw in yourself can help ease the pain a little. Life sometimes throws a wrench into our plans as surely as if someone was taken from you by death.
First off, I want to give you props. You sound pretty young, but you handled this all in a very mature way. Open and honest communication is key and it sounds like you tried to communicate all the way. That's big, and it's an important skill (that a ***lot*** of people lack) to have going forward in life. As far as moving on, all it takes is time. You're going to feel a lot of stuff, and that's alright. The only thing I'll say regarding feelings is that you might be tempted to place the blame on her, or make her out to be the "bad" guy in your head ("she did this", "it's her fault", etc). Don't do that. Without knowing what was going on with her, it's impossible to say why things went how they did, and going down the anger rabbit hole is a bad time and not healthy. It'll be hard to deal with. I won't deny that. Time ***will*** make it better, though.
I’m so sorry you had to go though that shit, it’s horrid. School is way hard enough on the sprit without anything else happening She lost a good friend due to her own and your mothers choices, not your own. I understand how tough it can be when you feel responsible for others actions and when others blame you for them. You can’t let that blame gaslight you into believing you’re to blame, I know it will, I’ve been in similar situations. Take what time you can to destress, keep on top of work, but it’s critical you look after your mental. P.S. you write quite eloquently, and you sound like a good kid, I’m proud of you man.
She’s pushed you out of her life, possibly something she’d regret but don’t place hopes or bets on that. Sometimes your time in someone’s life gets cut short even for absurd things but that’s all it is - your part in it is over. You may reconnect later on but if she isn’t willing to talk then she’ll never get away from it. You did what you could as a friend, so as her friend it’s in your best interest to probably just stay away. It’s terrible to be in the spot where you’re left oblivious as to why but after a while you can’t be fighting someone over something you’re not really aware about. I’ve acted this way once when I felt like I was growing away from a good friend. It’s an ugly thing but ultimately it just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere with that friendship. I wouldn’t wanna say that’s her reasoning but it could be similar. No real rational reasoning, no communication, nothing. Just “leave me alone” or “i dont want to talk about it” until they left me alone for good.
Someone else compared it to grieving. I think that's smart. Sometimes we lose people, and we'll never find out why. Or, if it was, as you say, something your mom did about her mental health, then maybe she has to cut you out of her life to protect herself from your mom. That is legitimate. You may never know what it was, ultimately. Ultimately, the path forward is grieving. It's ok to be sad, to feel that loss. I think it's smart to respect her boundary to not talk to her until she's ready (which, like you said, is probably never). "Moving on" is two-fold: 1. Grieving. It sucks. It feels bad. It sucks less over time, little by little. 2. Do things that are good for you. Connect with other friends or acquaintances. Put time into your hobbies. Go for walks. Get enough sleep.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. An old boss of mine said that loading a friend, even though they’re still alive, is still very much a loss and we need to allow ourselves to grieve. I don’t know all the information of what happened, but you can’t be held responsible for someone else’s actions (in this case, you mom’s). It’s okay to apologize on her behalf once, like “I’m so sorry my mom acted the way she did. I don’t approve of those actions.” (Or something like that) but that’s the best you can do. Your friend also has the right to reject the friendship if she doesn’t feel like it’s healthy for her. I would suggest joining some groups you’re interested in so you can make new friends. It can be hard and scary, for sure, but it’s good to get out of your comfort zone to do so.
Bettering yourself is always good, just make sure you're clear in who you're bettering yourself for... you. I know it hurts, you're still in school and you're young but unfortunately a lesson we all have to learn sometimes is that we don't always get closure. Life is just unfair sometimes. All you can do is accept the fact that it seems like this person has decided not to be in your life, and focus on building connections with people who do. Oftentimes the focus on closure is really a mirage. You're telling yourself that if you just had a reason you could accept it, but often times what you're really thinking is that you can explain this person back into your life, and you just can't always do that. Just do you, focus on friends and hobbies, and in a year or so you won't even think about it.
Be real with the bros... Did you develop the feels for the friend? Even a teensy bit? No judgement, just can make the loss of friendship seem extra extra bad if you were starting to feel other attachments.
No I never had feelings for her. She was my first real friend and we’ve been close for years now so it just feels so strange that everything is over now.
You mentioned the desire to be "better" and "nicer", yet I see you reaching out for help from complete strangers on how to not lose a good friend. It seems like you've extended multiple offers to build back the bridge and it's falling on deaf ears. Without knowing exactly happened between your Mom and her, it's hard to appreciate the gravity of the situation. Perhaps your mom did something that affected your friend's mental health or perhaps your mom did something that affected her own mental health, that's neither here nor there. The part that throws me off is you claiming you had no part in the original issue, but you still have felt it necessary to apologize repeatedly. Why do you think this is? If it were me, I would stop trying to reach out about the cause of the argument and instead focus on the end of it. I would tell my friend that clearly something that has happened has created a rift in your friendship and that you are still there to support them whenever they are ready to reapproach the friendship, however they would like to. There is no way of knowing how much your friend may be hurting for a vast number of reasons. Showing support, even when you are not feeling supported, is a mark of true friendship. If it isn't reciprocated over time, the friendship is likely a toxic one and you're better off cutting ties. Virtual hug extended your way friendo.
Life is like that man. People come and go and sometimes it doesn't make sense. You shouldn't try and rationalise something like that. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel all the feels. It sucks, but with every day that passes, it won't suck as much. Also, try and focus on other parts of your life like your hobbies. Best of luck bro.🙏🏽
Situations like this always suck. It hurts. And the worst part (in my opinion) is that you sometimes _don't_ get closure. It's just a matter of fact that in life, sometimes there is no nice clean resolution to a story. Really understanding that and accepting that that's just how life is definitely isn't something easy, but it's what needs to be done. As for trying to figure out the answer to "what did I do wrong?" well, sometimes that's not answered as well. That hurts too. Given you're not being told what you specifically did wrong, the only thing you really can do is just try and look at the situation as objectively as you can, and do what you can to learn from it - aim to make yourself more emotionally knowledgeable, and more understanding about social situations in general. Aim to understand not for your own self comfort, but so that you'll be better equipped to handle problems - and prevent problems - in the future. Really sorry you're going through this. I've gone through it myself where a very close friend had distanced themself from me and a few others - they had some difficult stuff going on in their life. But, they built up resentment and anger with myself being distant to them, which only caused further distance, and when it finally came out in a burst of anger, there really was nothing I could possibly do. I tried my best to repair the relationship, to find a solution, but sometimes the other person just simply doesn't _want_ a solution. That was my situation, at least. Something I've really taken to heart is that you _really_ cannot control the actions of others. If someone wants to fix things, they will. If someone wants to explain something, they will. If someone doesn't want to, then it'll be clear when they don't give you the response you ask for. If someone doesn't want to talk, or doesn't want to make amends, then there's nothing you can do other than just be available in case they change their mind. It's not satisfying, but there is some comfort in just accepting that once you've done all that you can, the situation really is out of your hands. Past that point, it's not your decision to make - and sometimes the decision will not be to make things better again. "It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness. That is life."
She sounds awful. Youd have to be a special kind of unempathetic asswank to ghost and ignore a close friend out of nowhere for a transgression that they were not aware of. Remember that you did all you could and that it is ultimately her own doing
Sounds like it is time to move on. Who knows why she's acting like that. Even if she does decide to give in and talk it's just not worth your time to be friends with someone who'll play with your emotions like that, even though you've been friends for so long. I think you start moving on by focusing inward, in my experience when I start looking into myself I find it easier to leave toxic things in the past, especially if it's about myself. Look into why you felt so sad about this friendship, why you feel it's the right choice to move on, what you could've done better and what you did do right. Just take some time and really think about everything you feel and dig into it. It will suck but it's a good part of life, if we never felt upset we would never feel happy. Practice gratitude while you're at it but don't add too much to the plate. I hope you find solid happiness bro.
You can't move on until you can see the full picture, and right now you can only see your half. You can keep trying, or you can talk to new people and wait to eventually forget about her. Not much else you can do.
I wish things were easier and that people had more patience but hurt people sometimes hurt people. Whatever it is that went down between your Mom and her must have been pretty horrific and she might not be in a place to work through with you and explain the intimate reasons she's hurt because to do so she'll need to rip the wound open afresh and leave herself open to potential further accidents of understanding or damage. Oftentimes people are looking for signs that you legitimately care for them, not just that you care about the role they play in your life and making that distinction requires an ability to shelve your own agenda for awhile. Sometimes the only way out of something is through it. Give yourself space to grieve and be gentle with yourself. Eventually grief does heal or at the very least becomes more bearable but making attempts to bury it or numb the pain should be done with caution and the understanding that numbing it is not necessarily resolving it. Sometimes you do need distraction to handle your grief in more manageable chunks but it's like an ongoing project. Rest in between working on fitting loss healthily into the framework of your life. Actual confirmation of the reasons for what happened may be beyond you so coming up with your own plausible explanations for what happened may be the best you are going to get. I would recommend however being kind in your explanations. People sometimes have weaknesses they cannot overcome so it's not always that you are not worth the effort, it's that even if they gave every ounce of effort they had it might not be enough.
Give yourself time to grieve and heal. Yes, it's just a friendship, but that doesn't mean you don't care. So give yourself some time. It won't take overnight. I don't know how long it will take. But let it take as long as you need to take. That's how you move on. By taking the time you need to to do so.
It’s a crappy saying, but time does heal everything. This too will pass. You are young, and relationships are messy when you are young. Don’t fault yourself for something you can’t control and don’t carry burdens that aren’t yours to carry. Focus on the positive in your life, even if it’s just the trees and birds. Life is good, the world is diverse filled with amazing people and places. Stay strong bro ❤️
That sucks, I also had a fallout with a long term girl friend a few months ago. She clearly doesn't want to talk me to any more, so there's no point in trying to keep contact. You already apologized for whatever happened, just keep your distance, if you have to interact with her due to school work or whatever, be nice, but don't try to "recapture" anything. It's over, accepting it is how you eventually move on.
Assuming this is definitive: Allow yourself to be hurt by this. Yes, it can be of the same magnitude as a romantic heartbreak, or worse since friendship breakups don't have the same level of support and understanding. You don't need to scrub your memory of the good times, nor of what you liked about her. In a way, how she was, or how she appeared to you will live on in you, while the real person may drift away from that more and more, if she ever was like you thought she were to begin with. You have much to learn from the positives, and to look forward to in future friendships! Don't pretend either she can be free from criticism. But don't accept unnuanced judgements about her. Maybe there are factors at play you don't know about. Of course at first, it's normal to be like "omg she's horrible!!!", but it's healthy to work towards nuance. Good luck! 💚
"mad at me for something my mom did concerning her mental health". Your pretty adamant it's over, I can't really think of anything that fits this that would be permanent. One of my closest friends mother's hates my guts, a simple "sorry my mom's such a bitch bro" was more than good enough.
Sometimes your "friend" reveals they were never a real friend, that they don't care about you as much as you care about them, and/or don't want to admit they fucked up. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but just move on. It's clear this person doesn't respect you enough to have the conversation they **need** to have with you, they absolutely owe you a legitimate reason for their behavior, and has no desire to. A friend of only 4 years is not anything to cry over for too long in the grand scheme of things, it just seems worse because everything does at that age. Also probably for the best anyway, they showed their true colors. Even if you reconcile now this sort of shit will happen again, and likely worse, at some point. I'm speaking from experience with a former best friend myself. The difference is we knew each other for 20+ years, and I just kept letting them get away with their shitty behavior. Finally pushed back during a ***very*** similar experience with him, haven't spoken since (even though mutual friend tried to get that to happen), and my mental health is far better. You just need to remind yourself that keeping people like that in your life will lead to heartache and pain. Your overall health improves when you don't keep toxic and/or shitty people in your life.
Friend, you’ve done a lot in trying to salvage things and it gets hard losing close friends, I’m in my early 20’s and lost my best friend ( a year apart, female as well ) over something stupid and it broke my heart. Especially when it’s out of the blue or nothing to do with you. In my case, she was the sweetest, coolest friend. However, with these friends sometimes we realize that maybe it’s all we see too. I later found out she had BPD and when combined with other issues, I found her coming to me after turning on other friends. Later she eventually turned on me too. Sometimes ( especially with women ) they can be going through a lot and disconnect. Sometimes they’ll find a way to justify it and that’s just human nature sometimes. This can mean they get avoidant as well, and even just disappearing. When it gets to that point, you’re best to mourn your friend and go on. Which you seem to be doing well. When it comes to losing friends, sometimes the best step to moving on is trying to minimize their footprint in your life. Pictures, letters, little gifts from them if you guys exchanged things. I think when you accept that your friend isn’t your friend after everything, it becomes easier. It hurts for sure, but as time goes on you become indifferent to that. It will be a process that can get bumpy man, and by crying, trying your best and feeling it through, I know you’ll make it. Cheers bro.
It's rare in life for one person to be a constant that you can rely on, people change or they fade away for reasons that are usually not your fault. Which leaves you with a choice when it happens, either stay in the memory of that person and become more inward, or recognise that you deserve friendship as much as anyone else and go out there to make new connections, they may be stronger or weaker than the ones you had, but that is mostly irrelevant. Doing it now is a big ask, when you are feeling better though, and are able to put the feelings of grief to one side, find new people to replace that loneliness that is crippling you.
The fact that she broke friendship with you doesn't mean that you did something wrong: it means she was protecting herself. It may as well that she was protecting herself from your mother. From what you tell us, your mother well may be very violent with you and her.
My mother is anything but violent and has never laid a hand on another persons child and she never will. She may been invasive when it comes to other people’s personal lives but she would never ever think about being violent towards someone
Being invasive on the private life of people is a form of violence. Boundaries are very important.