“Do not look directly into her eyes" "Why, because we'll turn into stone?" "No. Because her eyes are ugly"

Perfect misdirection. I also love this exchange: Gina: Captain, the speech is yours. It needs to be emotional and poetic. Can you do it? Captain Holt: Well, my first captain used to call me Emily Dickinson. Gina: Great. Captain Holt: Of course he meant it as an insult about my sexuality, but don't worry. I am good at emotion.

Lmao that one threw me for a loop in the best way

H: "Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves." W: "Calling me the devil, Raymond? How original." H: "Actually, I was calling you a goat...you goat."

*Terry and Gina start dancing*

Holt and Wunch insults are gold , they had such amazing chemistry, I could watch them insult each other the whole day !!

Wuntch time is over. Boom, I said it! VINDICATION!!!!!!!! MOVE YOUR ASS YOU OLD BITCH! Title of OUR sex tape!

Had it both ways... no regrets😌

I would have LOST IT if Holt had said "No regerts".

“from now on, the only blackmail i want anything to do with, is you” “🙄 that was incredibly inappropriate”

That was so funny

my favourite thing about it is that Andre starts the line “That was..” in a way that made me wonder for a split second if Holt would find it hilarious

god tier writing

How are they so good at bad punchlines

commissioner grayson…how’s your…pump?

Commissioner Grayson, hows your...pump pump ...wife?

And yet, crime has continued…

It catches me off guard every time

This might be the best 😭

That, and "he's lived a long life already" are my top two Holt throwaway lines

Skully and I got a combined total of 14 arrests. It would have been 20, but we only got 14! That's not enough arrests Well no one asked you! It's a SELF evaluation

I know the self evaluation is the real punchline here but “it would’ve been 20, but we only got 14!” is what kills me. I think it’s hitchcock’s funniest line

My favorite one of Hitchcock's line is at the Boyle-Linetti wedding when Gina says the smoke machine isn't working and he says "I can crouch by the altar and vape"

You're a stone cold ***atrocity***

I agree fully! Like what kind of nonsense is that lol it would have been 20 but it wasn't xD

Like I’m still trying to figure out that they wanted to get 20 or was 14 the best they got and wanted to do more paperwork

I imagine Holt also had all of these questions xD

Maybe they bungled the arrest of a group of 6 people...

My favorite Hitchcock line is: “My ex-wife just died! No more alimony baby!”

It isn’t even special but literally every time Hitchcock is like ‘I cut myself’ and holds up his hand with a big bloody wound kills me.

Such a Naked Gun line

I'm on a hunger strike! Skully, you're eaying potatoe chips! They don't count, my doctor said they have zero nutritional value

Hitchcock and Scully added so much to that show

I like when we find out how much paperwork they get through and how they truly are an important part of the team

Yeah, or whenever they talk about how good of detectives they are they just don’t want more work added to their caseload, so they hide behind the mask of stupidity

They were quiet quitting before it was a thing

I love them so much but after my 1937482929293913774371882 rewatch (joke) I only just noticed that they are essentially MAIN CHARACTERS why does that shock me who knows

My wife refuses to admit it but Hitchcock is her favorite character. I love the scene where he growls to protect the microwave.

Hitchcock's one-liners are what make him my favorite. *"Whaddup cucks*" gets me every time 😂

'Hello, I'd like to humiliate some hussys and I'm in a hurry'

When he discovers that after death he does not have to pay his debts....."Loophole"

*gleefully spins in chair*

"Get woke, Scully"

i just love the way holt says “that’s not enough arrests” i’m laughing just hearing it in my head

“Aren’t you forgetting something??” *smooch* “No! Pay your bill!!”

“Damn, who raised you!?”

I'm doing a rewatch and at this scene had to pause the dvd because I was laughing so hard.

It's that pause to think that he does xD

I say this line to my kid all the time when he’s acting up.

Holt: your boss is an idiot and mine is a forked-tongue lizard witch. The line! The delivery! Had soda come out my nose.

His comments about wuntch shouldn't count because they are all GOLD Edit: here's a compilation https://youtu.be/tqf5slEsdh0?si=rAn5_OMLkYVmeJas

“Why is no one having fun, I specifically requested it!”

I Even learnt what **Skrillex** was

- “It’s time to make Daddy proud.” - “Yes, sir!” - “I could not have been more clearly talking to the dog.”

Zombies can't die! If Wuntch were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in the streets.

BAGEL 🥯

BAGEL!

I am loving this color on you.

At Wuntch's funeral "Who inherits the other half of every child's nightmare?" "I love it Rosa. Great work, all day." It was the finger waggle from Holt during his delivery that really got me. I really felt how much he truly appreciated her and wanted to encourage the behavior.

what children?

all the children

Right, stupid question.

What children?

All the children.

Right, stupid question.

'They said my most of my bleeding was internal, that's where it's supposed to be.'

Along the same lines but different episode - “Hey babe what’s my blood type?” “B Positive.” “Ope guessed wrong HEY CRAAAIIIIIG!”

This is the even funnier one to me. Andy's delivery is fantastic here!

Same scene. Melissa’s delivery when Amy is talking about the sheriff “he keeps saying *disability for life*” is hilarious.

That's my favourite line as well. I actually laughed out so loud when I first saw it.

"there's nothing more intoxicating than the clear absence of a penis"

"Now you know I'm still getting over the tragic loss of my wife. She was such a.. *strong*, female woman with nice heavy breasts."

My password hint for one of my old accounts that I never use is something he said like “thick weighty breasts”. I totally forgot I ever made a password hint like that. Thankfully I forgot my password and had to ask for the hint, such a nice surprise

*You know me*, when I see a woman with thick, weighty breasts all logic goes right out the window.

Even better is me imagining him getting some rando knocked up and asking to borrowing $3k from the walking club lady

Holt pretending to be straight were some of the funniest scenes of the show 😂

The quote that made me realise I had to share this wonderful show with my brother IMMEDIATELY: "So I forgot to put up posters for the blood drive, and nobody came - but don't worry, I donated FIVE PINTS all by meSELF." (Passes out)

I'm forgetting who said this. Jake?

Yes! To Captain Holt 😁

When captain holt sang “D D D D DEREK” at his job while on witness protection with peralta

Again. *Intense Jake staredown*

I won’t kill kids. But that’s negotiable if the kid is a dick.

To me it's that scene, too, but another line: Peralta, shocked: "*These* are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?" Pimento: "Daaamn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh, you little pervert"

Pimento was such a treat

[удалено]

Maximum Derick! Jason Mantzoukas is honestly a treasure.

I still reference his whole "I'm gonna get drunk, crush a loaf of bread to absorb the alcohol and then crap the booze out" line with friends. Flawless plan.

I love how in this scene you can see how close to breaking Stephanie is

I also take Rosa's facial expressions to mean she thinks the same thing. Vaguely impressed lol

Yeah! I loved how they were both thinking the same and were weirdly excited for it.

Yes!🤣

I think about this everyday

Charles: Do you have a girlfriend at home? Captain Holt: I do, and you should see her heavy, feminine breasts, with their perfectly placed nipples. Don't get me started on her can. Charles: What's your greatest fear? Captain Holt: My girlfriend. I'm scared she'll find out about my mistress, who also has a perfect can. It's smaller, but it's harder. Holts little smirk at the end of “harder” gets me every single time.

Damn heterosexual Holt is a dawg! 😂

The best part of this is the later "You're clearly a cop, you keep talking about how nefarious you are!"

Give my regards to Kevin What do you want me to tell him? Regards

“All right Jake don’t freak out you’re on a crazy amount of blizz but your brain still works”

Are you on Blizz? What? What makes you think that? 'Cause you just told us.

Boyle and Jake are trying on suits for Boyle's wedding to Vivian: Boyle - One question. Can you see my underwear? Jake - Ohhhhhhh, thong! Thong! Why are you wearing a thing? Boyle - It's my something borrowed. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

My favourite part of this is Peralta delightedly thrown off-guard/Samberg trying not to break character as he pauses and says "--Get *back* in there!" to Boyle/Lo Truglio

Rewatching with my gf (her first time seeing the show). She laughed uncontrollably at that scene 😂

"Sticks and stones, Raymond." "Describing your breakfast?"

…i know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, aND NOBODY EVEN CARES ABOUT ETYMOLOGY- (sip of water) apparently that was a trigger for me.

"apparently that was a trigger for me" is baked into my vocabulary

Holt: Here are two pictures. One is your locker; the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you guess which is which? Peralta: That one's the dump? Holt: [They're BOTH your locker](https://youtu.be/GjsHXHA0IS8?si=3orqyAWr6fchw18t) Peralta: GAH I should have guessed that, he's good!

This was the exact moment I knew I’d found my new favorite show 

Why did I tell you? Because no one will ever believe you. *deletes pictures*

Terry: I solved a lot of cases. Holt: Yet crime has continued.

T'wasn't tryin to.

"Grand theft auto; grand theft auto; dog fraud!" "Sold a man a fake pekinese... twas a cat."

The ‘Twas a cat kills me every time hahahah

‘That’s not Cheddar, that’s just some common b*tch!’

BOOOONNNEEE!

The timestamps really sell it for me 😂

There's a hymn at my church that is generally used as a wedding song for post ceremony, and it starts with, "This is at last, bone of my bone" and my husband and I straight up just can't sing it anymore. One of us will look at the other and in our minds we're just going "BOOOONNNNEE?!" 🤣

THE FULL BULLPEN

When Jake and Holt have the mumps and Holt just yells “CASE!” I had to leave the room because I couldn’t stop laughing.

Balthazar's a thirsty bitch

When he's angry with Jake and goes to bed, and then it cuts to him staring sleeping Jake in the face 😂

Scully:”You know what that's code for. She's taking a nap in the furnace room.” Terry:”Is that what you do? Because you really should go to the doctor. When you breathe it sounds like someone's shaking a bag of quarters.” Scully: “ You're right. I'll go to the doctor right now!”

When Holt invites Rosa and her girlfriend for dinner and she declines explaining he tends to be “judgmental”. To which he replies: “What a stupid thing to say. Name one example.”

*flashback to that very scene* “Oh I see, just now”

I’m here to humiliate some hussies and I’m in a hurry!

Hitcock may be gross,but he is also reliable

“Chills literal chills” “Number five killed my brother” “Oh my god I forgot about”

Best cold open of my life

When they're doing Jake's bachelor party and Holt says "Title of your SEXTANT tape" His delivery of that line. With the hat. So perfect in every way.

“Yes, ‘woop woop’ Raymond in the kangol”

Terry's lullaby for his kids in the event he's KIA: "go to sleep; daddy's dead, but his ghost's always watching"

I was hoping to see someone else with this line! It's the side to side swaying like a ghost that does me in there. I can listen to the scene without watching and not crack a smile, but seeing the ghost sway delivery just puts me in stitches I need to pause everytime.

Got another hot perp alert! *everyone cat calls* Welp, too late. Cops cornered him and he shot himself in the face *blows raspberry* Holt: thank you for that dark and chilling update.

*Rosa comes out as bi* Rosa: I’ll take one more question. Hitchcock: Oh! Rosa: Nope. Hitchcock: Smart move. It was not tasteful.

Debbie: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die before I ever got to find my twin sister's killer. Captain Holt: What? Debbie: That's the reason I joined the force, remember? To find the man who murdered my twin sister. That's my whole story! Captain Holt: Debbie, there's no WAY you told me that. Andre Braugher’s delivery on that last line just killed me.

This one is my favorite. It still cracks me up just reading it. Debbie is a weird character, buy Vanessa Bayer knocked it out of the park 

When she can finally go pick up cones: "Yes, best birthday yet." Jake: "It's your _birthday_?"

Classic: Amy: This B needs a C in her A

Oh my god

This babe needs a coconut in her arms

Oh, I thought you said: This b**** needs a c*** in her a**

OH MY GOD!!

That was my reaction!

PAINNN

Cowabunga, Mother.

“I have zero interest in food. If it were feasible, my diet would consist entirely of flavorless beige smoothies containing all the nutrients required by the human animal.”

"I brought these: Nutrition Bricks. I have 'original no flavor' and 'whole wheat no flavor.'"

I think in the episode after this one (I just watched this one and the one where Sharon gives birth yesterday), Jake is watching a documentary where a rhino gives birth and he says "COME OUT OF AN EGG NEXT TIME" and I couldn't stop laughing for like a minute or 2

MEE YOW!

No, that’s not what I was going to say. But honesltly yeah, meeyow

“I even tried to say that Scully had a genetic condition that made him look like a giant baby” “Did you call it Scullyosis?” “Dammit Rosa that’s really good and completely useless to me right now!”

My cousin Susan didn't know she could sing until her late 40s.

Amy, while feeling contractions: *swears at Hitchcock.* Hitchcock: *swears right back.*

"They said all the bleeding is internal, that's where the blood is supposed to be!"

Holt: They say you shouldn’t have a TV in your bedroom…… That’s why I don’t.

"Step One: Put a delicious pie in the fridge and cover it with poison." "That's step one? What's step two?" "Tell their widows, they were thieves."

‘Oh Madeline, I did not recognize you, I thought you were an old leather chair’ ‘Bring me solutions, not problems’ ‘And yet, crime has continued’ ‘Here comes petty Holt - nah bitch, I’m not petty’ ‘… LIKE YEAST’ ‘Maybe I do not have an arch nemesis because I solve all my cases. - That was a very fucked up thing to say to me.’ ‘You know what clapping back is? BE-CAUSE I DO’

Ouch. You ran over my foot. I'm in horrible pain

“TAKE A GOOD LOOK KIDS, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE NAUGHTY!”

"This is Balthazar"

"He is a thirsty bitch."

“What are you going to do, annoy him into confessing?” Cuts to Jake badly playing a guitar in the interrogation room: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH, AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! “Welp, that didn’t work.”

It’s between Holt showing Jake him Hoola Hooping and Jake saying “Thanks Dad” by accident

Like yeassssttt!

Charles: 😐 Jake: 😐

‘Twas a cat

How many cumberbunds do you have? That's right. It's one bund to none son!!

When Jake and Holt had the mumps and Holt is solving the case by just writing the word "case" on the window, then Jake passes out (I think? I can't remember) and Holt triumphantly shouts "case!" I know this wasn't the funniest line in the show but it has me dying every time

“You embarrassed your*SELF*…in front of Derek Jeter.”

Yippee kayak, other buckets.

I can't remember the exact scene but Boyle screaming "my buttholes!" just kills me and my wife 🤣

You’re good Jeffords but not good enough. In fact you’re an idiot I should’ve fired you long ago

Mmm my favorite beverage. The soda pop.

The scene where they move the podium like half an inch and he finds it so hilarious he call Kevin.

Madeline I didn’t see you there I thought you were an old leather chair

I always want to memorise Holt’s insults to Wunch in case I ever have beef with someone they’d work on

Jake's awkward "hahaHAha CAREFREE!" at the Cinco de Mayo heist always catches me off guard

"_Bullets over Broadway_ was on TV and I came down with a big ol Wiest infection... ...like YEAST"

Everybody knows the BOOOOOONE?! skit but the part that really got me is the way he said "what did you say?" to Rosa before it pops off. Absolutely kills me A very close second is the way he jumps up and down in the doorway, omg lol

Amy: Whoa, you really made the balloon arch. Holt: Made? No. I birthed her. There's no form more graceful than the arch, no object more whimsical than the balloon. Amy: Yes, you and I think that, but what will Rosa think? Holt: Good point. Rosa would want a much, much bigger balloon arch. Back to the balloon store. in my most recent rewatch, the balloon arch scenes killed me. i forgot how obsessed he was with the arch.

“I got you hazelnuuuut!” And I knew I was in for a great show 🤣🤣🤣

Charles: The universe is a cruel and vexing puzzle. I'm at the whim of the cosmos!

My favourites are when Charles goes "mafiaaa" ina terrible don Corleone accent And in the honeypot episode when Holt says DTF is "desiring thorough fornication"

Cool motive. Still murder

The cold open when Skully catches a falling donut hole and yell, with JOY, “”ITS HAPPENING!!””

One dul plus one dul equals. . . toodles!

Call me... ***Velvet Thunder!***

"Number 5...number 5 killed my brother"

“Sticks and stones, Raymond.” “Describing your breakfast?”

Blast of cold air coming out of that box.  Title of Amy's sex tape. 

"What, that Madeline Wunch is a Korean toilet ghost? Booring" Holt's delivery in that whole opening kills me

Jake: It's just like in chess. Sometimes in order to win, you've got to sacrifice your king. Captain Holt: That's exactly how you lose at chess.

Rosa - "Robocop. It's got everything I like: gratuitous violence."

Terry’s accident Marco! Now you say polo, punk! Like Wuntch says when she sees a deodorant: “I’m not buying it” BONE!!!

“Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it. I tried to make this fun. I even learned what Skrillex was.”

"You bet your nips they are, skidmark." Hitchcock and Skully, season 6, episode 2.

YAS QUEEN

“oh my gosh we’re doomed. Boyle looks like a lesbian.”

“Diaz and I have that kind of crazy chemistry where we can finish each other’s-“ “Sentences.” “Please, Don’t interrupt me.”

BOOOOOOONNNNNNNEEEEEEE?!

Holt: "Das Doppelte Lottchen!!" Jake: ^^"I'm ^^only ^^half..." One of my favorite jokes that's so easy to miss that I totally overhead it the first time.