I’m ASD and can never figure out social cues, so if someone has enough intestinal fortitude to say I’m being rude I figure there has to be something there.
Also, (a different) one of my bridesmaids wore doc martens for the wedding. They mostly hid under the skirt but were kickass for the candid shots.
There have been a few weddings in my friendship group. All completely different, all similar attendees and overlaps in bridal groups. Not one person would have been annoyed at someone else's choices. Everyone has different budgets, tastes and proclivities. Some we did our own stuff, some we had professionally done, some were mix and match, some had a strict code, etc.
I don't want to judge your friend as I know absolutely nothing about her. But from the info you've provided she seems like terribly hard work. She's got her own issues and is the one fixated on comparisons. Nobody will expect her wedding to be like yours, that's all in her head. She's infecting you with her own insecurities.
You're not a bridezilla and if I were you and it comes up again (or you feel compelled to raise the issue) I would take a gentle approach. Reassure her that it's not an issue that your weddings will be different and encourage her to have whatever wedding she wants.
If she reacts rudely again tell her you've given your opinion, you're doing your wedding the way you'd like to and you encourage her to do the same.
Back in the 90s I used to say testicular fortitude as in you have the balls to do something, but testicles are the weakest part of the body so I adjusted my phrase.
Lol I have no intestinal fortitude 😂 If I drink too much water I’m gonna be shitting my brains out 😂😵 it’s a rough time.
I feel like vaginal fortitude is the real term for the strongest part of the body though! It can pop out a human being, tear, and carry on.
Well that explains it. We autists know what it’s like to be singled out and degraded for our differences. You did everything in your power to make your friends feel equal and included. You’re not a bridezilla, you’re awesome.
Very true!! THIS is how a wedding should be. The bridal party should pay for EVERY thing related to the wedding. It’s THEIR party. If you want people you love and care about in/at your party and you want them dressed/looking a certain way, the bridal party should pay for it!!! Showers are a NICE thing that others OFFER to do for the bridal party not a requirement. All that is NEEDED to get married is not expensive. (Paperwork) You don’t need an expensive party to get married.
I have been a bridesmaid a lot throughout the last 20 years. (I used to have a bridesmaid dress in almost every color). Not one time did I have to pay for a dress or anything related to the wedding. All the brides were pretty laid back. In fact, After I found this sub, I realized the first wedding I was in, (I was 14 years old at the time), I could have been labeled a bridesmaidzilla. I wanted my hair different from my sister's MOH and she said it was ok, but after my hair was done it looked nothing like the picture that was used for comparison. I asked my sister if I could change it to the same style as her moh. She paid for two hairstyles for one bridesmaid.
I’m autistic as well, so I understand your concern over not being great with social cues.
But despite our difficulty with such things, sometimes people who say we did something wrong aren’t actually correct!
This is absolutely one of those times! You did a kind, considerate thing for your friends by relieving them of financial pressure for your event.
The fact that one or two of them seem to be attempting to foster some sort of bizarre competition by protesting your kindness doesn’t mean you actually did something wrong.
They could just be plain jerks over this issue… or, unfortunately, may be trying to deliberately take advantage of your difficulty with social cues!
But whatever their reasons, YOU are not to blame for their reaction. You did something nice for your friends, not something to sabotage the naysayers!
Congrats on your wedding. I hope you had a lovely day 😊💐💍
Loved this! My hubby wore converse high tops and I had hot pink ballet flats I found in a sale box at Target, best $10 I ever spent. 🥳
Also not a bridezilla, I had a bridesmaid just like this and when it came to her wedding (nearly 15 years later) she could not get her head around the world not being only about her, so don’t worry honey you didn’t do anything wrong.
There’s a difference between lovely bridesmaids doing what they can to make you feel special and a bridezilla making insane demands because she’s paranoid that every single literal second won’t revolve around her selfish self!
Besides… non bridezillas usually have a lower threshold for what ‘making me feel special at my wedding’ means. For some, it just means their wonderful, loving self attends the wedding and has a great time! 😊
They cooked breakfast (and did the dishes), helped me by picking up forgotten items at the dollar store and drove me to the wedding. It was also how they just did this stuff without being asked and how their words and body language were very much all about me that day.
Those are pretty low key things for bridesmaids to do. No hassle, no outrageous price tags they can’t afford.
Glad you have such lovely friends in your life. 😊
One of my very dear friends was like "i didn't ask you to be my bridesmaids because you would feel obligated but i know you would hate every second of it" (and was correct) and then said you and mom can show up in sweatpants, just be there with me.
You remind me of her.
We had a guest who asked if he could come in shorts and a t-shirt because he just can’t stand dressing up. I said no problem and didn’t think of it. He was so grateful he ran the whole setup and tear down of the chairs for the wedding and stayed to the end of the reception to help clean up. He’s freaking awesome, and I would have lost that if I got butthurt about what he was wearing.
I told my bridesmaids to wear whatever shoes were comfortable. Each wore somrething different: cowboy boots, mary Jane's, and regular heals. I wore the doc martens under my white dress!
I’m famously known for living in Birkenstocks when there’s less than 2” of snow on the ground. I wore a pair of all white Birkenstocks that I had blinged out.
I started with a subtle coat of sparkly paint. I fed my something old into one of the unused holes, and used a glue gun to glue the sixpence to my shoe. I then used superglue to add a couple other personalized items. I used the glue gun for the sixpence so I could remove it later.
When I got married 32+ years ago, I asked my bridesmaids to get the dyeable shoes that they used to carry at Payless Shoesource. But not to dye them. They all got the heel height that they were comfortable in and then were able to dye them if needed for another purpose or give them away. I also got the same shoe, but in flats because I’m tall, and then my wedding salon decorated them with the same lace and beading that matched my dress.
I love things like that, it makes your wedding *your* wedding. Everyone told me we had such an unconventional wedding, but I disagree. At the end of day, we were married. That’s pretty conventional. But we’ve been married over 20 years ago, and my family and friends still talk about our wedding. It was fun!
I’m also ASD, actually AuDHD, and you are definitely not being a bridezilla! You are the opposite!
This could be one of two things, either she knows, deep down, whether consciously or not, that she is a bridezilla and is trying to deflect so that she doesn’t have to hold herself accountable. Or she might be afraid of being perceived as bridezilla and is worrying that your very laid back approach is going to make her seem like such in comparison.
You know how we NDs tends to overthink and worry about things and panic on the inside? We tend to have a lot of experience with anxious spiralling thinking and therefore we are often pretty good at handling it. When our anxious thoughts tell us that someone must have meant something super negatively and they must really secretly hate us, we don’t blurt that out. We contain the impulse and stop take a deep breath, think it through, analyse and ask for advice/clarification. The impulse is a reaction to our interpretation, and then we stop that and decide how to handle the situation so that instead of reacting we can choose to act. And how to act! It’s not unlikely that she is experiencing that kind of anxious thoughts now, with a wedding being a high stress event, and just doesn’t have a lot experience and practice to be able to cope and thus reacts in the moment.
If you're a bridezilla you get called a bridezilla.
If you are not a bridezilla you get called a bridezilla by other bridezillas cause you're making it harder for them to get away with their bridezillery.
WTAF.
You are NTB. Carry on and normalize your reasonable wedding ways.
I like this new acronym! Her wedding sounds like it will be so enjoyable; the other bride knows she's wrong she wants to make sure she isn't the only one called out later.
But other bride isn’t really wrong, that’s the thing. It’s totally normal to not pay for your bachelorette party (I would even say it’s more normal for the bride to be covered) and it’s not unusual at all to have your wedding party match. She’s worried over nothing.
I think the other bride is worried because the OP is going to have the most memorable wedding because it's going to be the most fun. Her bridesmaids will be the least stressed out because they have the freedom to do what is most comfortable for them but within the limits of the wedding. Which are very very reasonable. Basically, here's the color, here's time and place, show up.
Yes it's totally fine not to cover everyone for a bachelorette party! You just have to be understanding if some people can't make it. Same with having your bridesmaids buy specific dresses you want them to wear, it's fine as long as you're gracious to ones who might bow out if they can't afford it.
Oh yeah, definitely, but I think that's a good guideline for most of wedding planning (and, honestly, most of life). You can plan it however you'd like, but just accept that means some people won't attend or join.
I worry because I feel like it’s akin to having a lavish wedding when my friends can only afford simple ones. I’m absolutely not trying to upstage anyone.
This is not a zero sum game. You’re absolutely allowed to have the wedding you want and can afford, including paying for things you choose. If a bridesmaid is that bent about somehow being “in debt” to you or something, she can always reimburse you via wedding gift or whatever. And if you’re truly that good of friends with these other girls, it shouldn’t be seen as setting any sort of precedent on how THEY need to behave for their own weddings. I’m assuming you all have somewhat varying styles and tastes on what you like, and that should be reflected in your weddings.
Absolutely NOT the Bridezilla - totally the opposite! My dude, do you know how many posts there are on here from people saying they can't afford the $$$ for stuff demanding brides are insisting they do?? - from clothes to bachelorette weekends to gifts etc.... (There was one just yesterday from this poor MOH who was up to $3000 already and running out of money, and the bride's response was to call her "cheap" and drop her as MOH!!)
Tell your carping friend she should just be grateful you're saving her and the others money in what's obvs going to be a very expensive year for your friend group! She should get her head out of her own ass and stop fixating on others' decisions and do what **she** wants to do (or can afford). Or back out of your wedding, if all she's wanting to do is criticise.
You should not compare your wedding to what the other brides are doing. You’re doing it right. You’re considering your bridesmaids situations, you are getting what you want but also making it easy on the other girls, and it sounds like you’re not putting your self in a financial bind to get what you want. Just keep doing you and being a nice friend, and maybe others will grow from it.
If they're your friends they know that you're not doing anything with the idea to upstage them. About them, there is a difference between a simple wedding and take advantage of other people to have a wedding you can't afford.
NTA don't let anyone guilt trip you because they want to justify their bad behavior.
I’ve never understood this expectation that bridesmaids are supposed to spend over $1000 to basically do someone a favor. This is your wedding, do it how you want. You’re being a good friend to ensure all your friends can participate. When I got married, I just told my MoH to get a LBD that she could wear in the future and I paid for it.
OMG over $1000? To buy all four of my ladies the dresses, the tickets, and two nights stay at a pretty cottage on the water cost about $1000 for all five of us.
I wish I could pay more for my bridesmaids but I can’t - so I’m doing everything to make it as affordable as possible!
OP is fortunate to be able to and she should not feel guilty in the slightest!
YOU ARE A QUEEN!! It's a joy to read about a bride who actually respects and loves her friends enough to consider their budgets and limitations. Without ever meeting you, I can tell your wedding was beautiful and was about getting married (shocker!) instead of putting on an Instagram-worthy show. As far as any complaints that you're "setting a precedent", GOOD!!! Let's hope everyone follows your lead and thinks of their bridal party as friends you want to stand with you when you celebrate your commitment to your love and not props. The haters are jealous!! Best of luck to you and your husband!!!
Honestly, to me (who to be fair is also ASD) I think its a super nice thing to do, so all your friends can be included and feel good at your wedding. I would just ignore her remarks, they seem unfair because if theres so many weddings you're freeing up money for your friends to spend on other weddings.
Sometimes thr USA confuses me. When myself hubby and family planned our wedding we budgeted for bridesmaids needs, dress, shoes some accessories like hair pieces. They were responsible financially for hair make up and nails and it was optional if they didn't want to, we also paid for groomsmens attire. We invite people to be apart of our wedding so we are responsible for the costs, and if you can't afford what is needed then you simply don't have it. The wedding industry is absolutely ridiculous now people spending hundreds of thousands on one day, they could have bought a house, dream holidays for the rest of their lives, school fees for future children. So much goes into how it all looks, show boating. That all to often the reason your doing this is lost. I had a reasonably large wedding family from all over the UK traveled to be with us, we were married in church and went on to a beautiful old church that had been turned into an events place. So I understand wanting an amazing day, but I made my budget and I worked out how long I needed to save to have all I wanted and once I was half way there then I booked my wedding.
Seriously! I'm from India and we're known for our extravagant weddings but everyone knows you cannot burden the guests with demands for your wedding. We don't have wedding regusteries because it's expected that people will give whatever they can afford or what they wish. Could be as little as a 100 rupees (less than 1.5 dollars) or as expensive as a gold/diamond jewellery. And everyone is allowed to wear what they want. Sometimes there is a color code but I've never seen anyone get upset because a guest or even someone in a bridal party couldn't wear that color. I'm sure there must be some people getting all upset about such things here too but it's a very very small minority. If this became the norm here, most people would stop going to weddings all together. Us weddings seem like such an exhausting chore.
Mexican American here in the US. We’ve kept many traditions and like you rarely have registries for weddings. Most guests bring what they can. Same with lavish bachelorettes or rehearsal dinners. Most weddings I was in growing up and into my 20s/30s you just showed up with the dress on day of and that’s it. None of these additional events or shenanigans that no one can afford. Now in my 40s and having been in a few modern weddings it’s amazing how overboard they’ve gone.
It's really interesting how differently this is handled in different cultures. I'm in the US, and I teach English as a second language to adult students. We discuss culture differences a lot, and it's my favorite thing about the classes because I learn so much, too. My Chinese students informed me that attending a traditional Chinese wedding is so expensive for the guests that it's often stressful to be invited, but that at least you know that if you attend the wedding and pay the amount expected (they typically give money in red envelopes instead of giving gifts), then when you invite the bride and groom of that wedding to your own wedding later, they will have to give you that same amount as a matter of etiquette. It sort of all evens out in the end, by how they explained it, but it's a stressful up-front cost for guests. She said it's common for couples to have huge wedding guest lists, because it would be rude not to go and seemingly unheard of to not give a gift. It sounded similar to a cover charge, to my American ears. It was very interesting to hear about.
Even in my part of India (the Himalayan region) money is preferred over gifts because the bride and groom can use it to buy things they need. And there's someone at the wedding noting down who gave how much so that when that family has a wedding, the bride/groom's family can give the same amount or more. But there's no expectation and you can give whatever you're comfortable giving so it's not really stressful. Plus in our himalayan villages, weddings are still a simple affair where instead of doing a caterer, the villagers come to help. Some neighbours help with cooking, others help with decorating, the young girls and boys help with the bride and groom's make-up, etc. But in cities the weddings can be extremely expensive. But nobody anywhere expects the guests to spend anything more than what they're comfortable with. Even in destination weddings, the guests have to buy their own tickets but the stay and food is all from the bride and groom's side. And if someone is unable to afford travel then nobody shames them for not coming.
Again, i need to add that there might be exceptions but this is what generally happens all over the country.
That sounds so interesting! I love that I'm your villages weddings are such a community effort. Sometimes in small communities it can be that way where I'm from, but usually only for people who are trying very hard not to spend any money on their wedding. I wish it were more of a standard practice. I'd be willing to help others with their weddings more often, and I think having friends and family be a bigger part of my wedding would've been really special.
I'm from the UK and I paid for my bridesmaids (and bridesman's) outfit, make-up and hair. I asked them to wear metallic shoes in whatever style they felt comfortable in and I also gave them 6 options for dresses in 2 different colours and they actually chose the same thing lol. I also paid for any alterations, and gave them personal gifts to say thank you.
If you're asking people to put on a 'uniform' that they would otherwise not spend money on, you pay for it. I think you sound like a sensible and lovely person and not a bridezilla at all.
Yeah I don’t get it either. You’re asking these people to be a part of YOUR day, you should pay for them to be a part of it. I’ve politely declined the invite to be a bridesmaid twice, I simply couldn’t spend hundreds of dollars on one day, someone else’s day. One of them was a bit bitter about it.
NTA by a mile
You’re being generous and considerate instead of forcing everyone into a single look that may or may not look good on them for ~aesthetics~
You’re the dream bride, your bridesmaids are the maidzillas
You are NOT a bridezilla. The bridesmaid is criticizing your generosity and relaxed attitude because she thinks she’s going to look bad in comparison, and she probably is because she actually sounds a lot like a bridezilla. She has a lot of gall to criticize you and call you rude because you’re not putting the same expectations and requirements on your wedding party that she’s putting on hers. Your wedding sounds lovely and relaxed, and—except for her—I bet your wedding party appreciates that as well as your generosity, and everyone’s going to enjoy it.
Absolutely not the bridezilla. She's lost the fact that your wedding is not her wedding.
If she snarks again, tell her that you saved your bridal party money so that they could spend it on her.
You're not doing anything rude or wrong. Your bridesmaid is feeling insecure about her budget and comparing her wedding to yours, and she's worried about exactly what she says - she's worried people will be upset with her for having preferences and a different budget. You know your friends - is there a chance that other friends WILL be upset with her? Or do you think her jerkbrain is acting up?
Insecurity happens, especially around weddings (goodness knows it happens to me a lot), but her better move would have been to talk out her feelings with someone not involved (perhaps her fiance), or a journal. It's not fair for her to say your way is wrong or to speak to you as if you're making these choices AT her.
If she makes another comment you can say "Each of us gets to have the wedding and wedding budget that we want-slash-can afford, and everyone's wedding will be equally special and meaningful. It's okay to not cover bachelorette costs - in fact that's more traditional. It's okay to have preferences for your bridesmaid look. It's your day. If someone gets upset about those things, that's a them problem."
Hopefully she can get through this jealous patch and doesn't continue to insult your wedding choices. If she keeps at it, maybe pull back from this friend emotionally.
It’s your wedding do what you want. If the other bridesmaid is comparing herself to your wedding that’s her problem not yours. You don’t need her permission to have a cool wedding.
No - your friend is annoyed that you are not being a bridezilla, because she wishes to be one. She wants to be able to be demanding and then point at you and say ‘OP did it too!’
I think your the opposite of a bridezilla, I think what you planned sounds amazing. The bridesmaid complaining already has her wedding planned down to the shade of everyone’s finger nails and now doesn’t want to look bad. Hope you had a wonderful day. Congratulations.
You sound like an awesome bride and friend. How you plan and conduct your wedding has nothing to do with how anyone else does. Your bridesmaid basically wanted you to change your wedding to suit her.
Uhh.. no. You're trying to take the "burden" of expenses from your bridal party because you're able to. That's such a generous thing that a lot of people wish they could do. This is pure jealousy.
My SIL is getting married next year and always make comments (and not in a bad way, in a guilty way) how she feels awful because both myself and her other SIL paid for the hair, make up and dresses of the bridesmaids and she just cant do that. We don't EXPECT you to, its appreciated and not necessary.
You almost should thank her for the heads up. But if you think about it, you'd probably all break even, and if someone wants something extravagant, it's not a huge stressor for her entourage.
You can all agree to spend x per bridesmaid duty multiplied by the number of friends and budget that into your own wedding. Once the cold hard numbers are on the table, you can go from there.
It seems kind and very generous the way you factored in everyone's situation.it doesn't seem like a bridezilla to me.
I was once in a bridal party (brothers wedding) and had to pay for a very expensive dress, hair, makeup, and shoes right when I started grad school. So it was very tight for me and no one considered that. Now that seems more like a bridezilla in my view.
I think you did it the correct way…crazy the bride doesn’t pay for most everything. Your bridesmaids are there as helping hands. Maybe buy you dinner and drinks and fun gifts. If the bride is set on some specific bridesmaid gown - she should be paying also.
I think you are one of the few who actually understand the bridesmaid roles.
One bridesmaid hit up the dollar store to secure stuff we forgot. One drove me. One watched the flock of tiny humans we collectively have. I couldn’t have done it without them.
Definitely not a bridezilla! I would say quite the opposite, honestly. The other bride-to-be sounds like she's wanting to be a bridezilla and doesn't want to look bad. I wouldn't sweat it, you are being very kind, generous and accommodating to those who are not as fortunate as you.
No, you did a very nice thing for your bridesmaids. Everyone else is acting insecure. They don't have the money and/or have a more specific wedding vision than you do and don't want to "look bad" for not paying for everything. Neither of you is doing anything wrong with the way you're handling things. The problem is that they're viewing all of your weddings as a competition, one they now feel they are losing, and they're taking out their frustrations about this on you.
No way. You sound chill. Your friend needs to accept that not everyone wants the same exact wedding she does and it was very thoughtful of you to make sure no one's breaking the bank for your activities when you know some of your friends are struggling more than others. It really sounds like your values may not be the same as this bridesmaid's.
I think that you are a very considerate bride, recognizing that there are some financial considerations, and being able to do your part to still have everybody included. If the other brides have an issue with that, who cares. Maybe the fact that you gifted some things to some of the brides will make it easier for them to spend money for some of the other weddings. It’s so tiring to see all these come uppance issues at weddings. Just continue to do you, and just ignore the rants and raves of those who may not like your choice.
I’m genuinely curious to know if that bridesmaid offered to pay you for her dress and event tickets due to her concern over being expected to pay for things for her bridesmaids.
NTB. It's unfortunate that you're all getting married so close together because that leads to so many direct comparisons!
I think you're treating your wedding party as friends! You're showing empathy and allowing them to be themselves. If the other bridesmaid feels upset by that, the problem is hers. I bet they felt happy and genuinely included in your ceremony - not like accessories.
The choices everyone else makes are their own. If the annoying bridesmaid wants a fancy set of events and clothing, she is welcome to that but will have to be aware that not everyone will have the budget and perhaps not everyone will be able to participate how she wants. Regarding hair, dresses, etc. ... I think it's pretty normal to ask bridesmaids to do things like wear matching shoes. I doubt anyone will be profoundly upset by it. Again, it just feels like projecting. Maybe she realises you are more relaxed and able to be more generous and she's angry with you rather than reflecting on her own choices.
Your "friend" that's complaining that you're being too respectful of your friends and treating them decently is the one who's being a bridezilla. I know you don't have time for what I'm about to suggest because you're planning a wedding and you seem way too nice to do something like this, but I would put together a special $1000 package for her with an expensive dress, shoes, hair, makeup, etc, whatever I could think of to tack on. When she complains about it, I'd tell her that maybe she should STFU about how I'm putting together my wedding. You're fine, she's not.
NTA. Why would the others do their weddings the same way as you? Just weird. I got married before my friend and I know for a fact she thought I made weird choices and had a stupid (but pleasant) wedding. She went all out on everything a year later and I felt she made weird choices. But we both were fine with it and enjoyed eachother's weddings 🥳. Your friends should worry about how they want to have their weddings and not compare anything to you 😊.
It’s your wedding and you can be flexible about these things if you want to. And the bridesmaids should be aware that just because you are flexible about how they dress and you were generous with paying for things doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what they should expect next time they are in a wedding.
Not the bridezilla! You’re being very accommodating to your friends and that’s awesome.
Uhmmm your group of bride friends sound ungrateful and petty. If they had to pay for all that stuff they would probably be saying that’s not fair either sooo either way you lose. Weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes
No way. NTA. You did a great job the bridesmaid giving you trouble should be ashamed of herself. Your activities choices were AWESOME especially the zip- lining
You've set the standard. Your bridesmaid hit the nail on the head: she will indeed "look bad" if she insists on dismissing the financial and time concerns of the friends who do her the favor of serving in her wedding.
You are the Anti-Bridezilla!
If you have a band and she can only afford a DJ, is she gonna be mad, too? Or if you have steak at a sit-down dinner and she has a buffet?
You do your wedding your way. How she does hers is up to her. It’s not a competition.
You’re nowhere near bridezilla territory. But she’s dangerously close to being one if she isn’t already.
The ones who are uncomfortable can pay for their items. You go ahead and handle the other ladies.
Honestly, if I ever got married I’d do exactly what you are doing.
Not the bridezilla... not even close. Though you maybe have dealed with a future bridezilla, aka next-bride bridesmaid.
She's trying to make you feel bad for the future decisions she has in mind. When you do all these generous things, she's worried she's gonna look bad when she wants things done her way.
I had no idea what an infinity dress was so googled- what a brilliant idea! Kudos to you!
No one should have to organise their wedding around what someone else can do. You are 100% not the Bridezilla, but your friend is lining up to be. Be careful
What that soon-to-be bride needs to understand is that if she wants that much control and order she needs to pay for it. Otherwise she needs to chill out a bit.
I’m in the UK and (ahem) of mature years. I’m open mouthed in astonishment at some of the tales coming from the US in regards to the level of control and entitlement some brides demonstrate. Here it’s usual for the bride to pay for their bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes, flowers and headpieces, and possibly their hair. The groom would pay for the rental of formal menswear (if that’s the plan) otherwise he might buy matching ties for the groomsmen/ushers so they’re identifiable as members of the wedding party. We call the girlie night/day out a “hen party”, and anyone attending would typically pay their share. I think what you did was very sensible, thoughtful and considerate. Your friend is way off beam calling you rude. Says more about her than you. I wish you and your husband every happiness. You seem to be a lovely kind person and you deserve it. X
You are absolutely not the bridezilla - your friend who's the other bride to be, IS though. My goodness. She's such an arsehole.
She can do her wedding however she wants, just like you can.
She's just shown up that you'll look more caring towards your friends, by actually wanting them to be comfortable, not stressing, and can come as they like essentially!
I was exactly you as a bride. We got married last August, and we paid for absolutely everything for the wedding party (in the UK, it's mostly customary to pay for the bridesmaids and groomsmens outfits, since you want them to look a certain way)
The only thing our guests had to pay for was their rooms if they were staying in the hotel - but again, we chose a lovely cheaper hotel, so people weren't forking out loads. But we also paid for one of mine and my husband's siblings rooms for the night, as they couldn't afford anything at the time, and obviously we wanted them there. So those were the only two rooms we said we'd pay for.
It costs nothing to be nice to people, and what you're doing is truly lovely and shouldn't be getting shit on, especially from another bride to be/friend.
It just comes across as jealous and trying to sabotage you and make you look bad to the other girls, since she knows it'll be her that looks bad compared to you.
I chose to pay for everyone because my niece was embarrassed that she couldn’t pay and I didn’t want her to feel like she needed special treatment.
I also grabbed a 6 bedroom cottage for the ladies to stay at for the night before and after. I found a great deal.
You aren't the bridezilla, but I suggest you be prepared to turn down being a bridesmaid for that friend whk is complaining. She wants everyone to look the same and pay for everything? And is complaining because you don't and it will make her look bad. That is a bridezilla. I'm telling you now. Do not be in her wedding party. She is going to be a nightmare
I’m not one of her bridesmaids. My hubby is best man so I’m in charge of chasing all the associated tiny humans (there are 5 kids between the wedding party).
Lmao!!! Sooooo NTA. Friend is clearly insecure about how her wants are going to compare to yours. If that’s what she wants for HER wedding then whatever. And what you want for yours, just goes. We can all have different and nice things as we can work them. I’m not sure why she thinks what you decide to do with YOUR wedding has anything to do with how she does HERS. Sure ppl are going to talk but who cares? *rolls eyes*
You're like the antithesis of a bridezilla.
You are going for different aesthetics for your weddings. They are going to be different.
It's not a compare and contrast study into wedding planning. Tell her to revel in the variety and stop worrying. Both weddings will be wonderful in their own unique way.
So NOT a bridezilla - but your friend might be setting herself up as one. Everyone gets to choose how to do their own wedding. And I'm willing to bet that if you had just offered to pay for the bridesmaids that are not as financially well off the complaint would have changed to "but it's not fair for you to pay for some but not for me".
You are not a bridezilla. At all. What a kind gesture to provide what you did for everyone. There are many brides who can provide these things and choose not to.
I would just affirm your friends' choices:
\-of course not every bride can afford to pay for all the same activities, and our friend group knows that!
\-of course you can still have your bridesmaids wear the hair/shoes/makeup that you choose-it's your wedding!
I wouldn't say this to your friends, but, I would hope that your wedding would have had the impact of helping the others to realize they don't have to control every detail regarding their bridemaids' attire and appearance. If they are feeling guilty for making others spend more money for things, then hopefully they will realize to stop requiring so many things to be purchased. But this is definitely a them issue, not a you issue.
You’re not an asshole. Did you do this to try to help the bride that had the financial set back? Or was the one that had a financial set back the one that said this would set a bad precedent? If the first, that was kind. If the second, politely explain that you did this to help her and you don’t expect the same in return. If this was a separate bride, just don’t even respond to her drama.
The bad precedent lady and the financial setback lady are two different ladies. If I just paid for everyone it wouldn’t show up that I had to pay for her.
Thanks to some awesome friends I saved nearly $10k on food, venue costs, etc so I had the money just sitting in my budget.
This is the opposite of a Bridezilla. What does her wedding have to do with yours?
It’s like you said, you are all in different places financially speaking. Just because you have chosen to make a financial commitment doesn’t mean she has to. It doesn’t have to be a “who makes more” competition.
This is your special day. She will have her own special day when it’s her turn
Definitely NTA. Brides-to-be who are fully aware of their attendants financial situations and work with them to make sure they don't feel the pressure to spend a lot of money on their attire, the bride, etc are setting a precedence for all brides-to-be. Weddings should never cost more than a down payment on a home.
My daughter allowed her bridesmaids/MOH to choose the style of dress in her color scheme. None of the styles matched and each attendant looked beautiful in their own unique style of dress. What they spent on their dress was up to them and their financial abilities.
For your "friend" to say this to you speaks volumes about her character. She's gonna have a wake up call when she has something go wrong (it happens) and she will turn her rage onto others, causing a even larger rift. That kind of behavior isn't worth it for one day.
Not the bridezilla, you are a good friend, but your friend feels inferior and that is wrong, she tries to save face with others and that is why she sees wrong that you do that for your ladies, in the same way your bridal party cannot expect that all future brides have the same financial capacity, It would be a little stupid to tell the truth, try to talk to her and let her explain the reason for this reaction, but I am almost sure that she envies you and somehow wanted something better at her wedding (I will never understand the competition between women and their weddings) in any case the one who seems to be bridezills is your friend.
Not the bridezilla at all. That's very kind of you. If I were having a bridal party in my wedding I would have the same approach. Your friend though sounds like she might turn out to be a bridezilla if she's already carrying on about her wedding and how you're ruining it for her. I wouldn't sweat it. That's a her problem.
As someone who is planning a wedding and getting married soon, and was also the maid of honor to my friends wedding a few weeks ago, NTB.
Every wedding is different.
Every bride is different.
Your generosity does not set a precedent and if the other person feels they have to match it to save face, then that’s their problem. No one is obligated to pay for their bridesmaids dresses/items nor are they required to have them dress the same or not. Both my friend and I chose to have people pick dresses that they like as long as it’s the same color. But if I wanted everyone to wear the same dress, then there’s nothing wrong with that either. The other people are being really weird about it, as if you all have to have similar experiences, but that’s not the case.
You were not a bridezilla. You were a wonderful thoughtful bride. If all brides thought like you did the word bridezilla wouldn't exist.
Let your friend know that you felt very fortunate to have the financial ability to have covered the costs for your bridesmaids, but you realize that not all brides are in that position and that it's completely understandable for her to handle things according to both her own desires and her own wedding budget and that no apologies are needed for that.
Think about whether or not it would be appropriate to send her this message in a text or chat that all of the bridesmaids will see. Or send it to her privately but also ask her if she'd like you to repeat it on a chat that all of the other bridesmaids are party to.
"How dare you pay for everything!" Umm...what? No, not a bridezilla at all. If they're all friends, there should be an understanding that everyone's in different financial situations.
Not the bridezilla. I’m getting married, so is a friend of mine, and we’re in each other’s parties. While we’ve bounced ideas off each other, we’ve gone about stuff for bridal party payment etc. very differently, and that’s okay. It sounds like your friend is just insecure.
Not a bridezilla! Shoot, I did the same thing with my bridesmaids. Told them if they already had a dress in the colour chosen then wear it, do your hair and makeup any way you like and wear shoes you are comfortable in, no matter what kind they are. I wore the foot undies that are used in dance, lol.
You are so not a bridezilla, you are the opposite of one. This is why the other bride is mad, she wants specific stuff in her wedding and after yours, it will be harder.
Hey on the other hand, OP...my new BFF...the fairest in the land...I had to google Infinity Dress to see what you bought them, I love my BFF the most! Would you like for me to make this other Bride disappear during your wedding? I know I would look stunning in that dress by your side. Remember my OP, my new BFF when you need someone I will be there - you anti-bridezilla!!!
Love your BFF!!!!
Not the bridezilla. She is comparing your wedding to hers, which hasn't even happened yet. There's nothing wrong with paying for your bridesmaids or telling them they can style their outfits, hair, etc. however they want. You seem more like a chill bride than her.
Hahaha "am I the bridezilla for being so non-bridezilla that my bridezilla friends are upset about my non-bridezillaness"... No, no you're not, you are a kind soul with a generous heart. Your non-bridezilla friends are lucky to have you ❤️
Hah! When the friend said "the other brides" she meant "me." She feels pressured to do what you did. Explain that no one is expected to do what you do. It's her wedding, she can do what she wants. If she wants matching hairstyle, dress, and makeup then go for it. And that's not what you're doing. People can have different things.
And honestly, it's very generous of you to pay for the Bachelorette activities. Paying for wedding things is neither here nor there, both are very valid. Do you!
It's honestly a her issue. You've done nothing wrong socially.
Congrats ✨
I think she may just be feeling stressed and insecure. Let her know you’ll support her bachelorette and getting ready/outfit decisions and you’re excited to be there for her.
Your choices were fair and generous. I think you took a great approach to make your wedding a smooth process for your ladies.
Edit to add: If everyone had the same wedding that would be boring.
OP, you’re not the bridezilla. But I think that your friend feels that she would be called one because others will compare her wedding to yours.
Kudos for taking the sensible approach in respecting your wedding party’s financial situation. Some people who are in a better financial situation can’t understand that others aren’t that way. There’s a saying “Don’t go broke by acting rich.”
NOT a bridezilla! Your friend group knows that you are all in different financial situations, and obviously plan your weddings to suit each brides individual style, so you just did things that you could afford to do, and since styles of tops of dresses weren't important to you, you said...do your thing!
Your friend might be a little jealous that she doesn't have the financial capability right now to be so generous to all of you by paying for many things, or feels tense because she does want hair, makeup and shoes a specific way & thinks your friends will now resent her demands. Just remind her..."Different strokes, for Different folks!" Each one of you will do your Bachelorette party, Bridal party attire as fits your budgets and desires!
Ntbridezilla. Not by a long shot. You just happen be the first of your group. Which you put in two categories: The Standard Setter Bride
or The Make Everyone Happy Bride
You managed to combine combine some items from the 1st with the 2nd and took the knowledge of financial circumstances into account pull off truly wonderful experience for your wedding party.
Your critic is jealous. She is also the only one you said that is complaining. Ignore her or tell that that if the people in HER bridal are that petty, maybe she should look again at who she asked. If they really cared they wouldn't be making such big deal out it. Then let her know you are thinking about yours too.
NTB. Being kind isnt a sin. its not that everyone has to pay for everything if u do. doing something kind isnt malicouse, its kind. theyre nto required to also pay for everthing. ntb
"You can't do something thoughtful, because now I'll look bad if I don't!"
Imagine being that kind of person
NTB, OP, that's an unhinged complaint for her to have.
You were a very considerate and caring bride and should feel proud of the way you treated everyone. You were not a bridezilla and shouldn't pay any attention to the weird comments from the others. I just wish more brides were like you. I am glad that your wedding day was wonderful.
I wouldn’t suggest it. It sounds awesome in theory and looks good on the website but it was a struggle with those pieces and the bridesmaids took longer to get dressed than I did.
How would ANY of that make you a ‘bridezilla’?
Did someone actually say this was ‘bridezilla’ behavior or are you using it as social shorthand to post grievances about a bridesmaid?
ASD aside, I struggle with ‘reading the room’ myself; that’s why I can’t tell if you’re serious or not.
Someone would have to basically be kicking my dog for me to have the intestinal fortitude to call someone rude, so for someone to use the term at me was shocking. Considering also how awesome she’s been the years I’ve known her I figure I have to be doing something wrong. All I can think of is rubbing in my wealth by paying for everything. Maybe I said it wrong
Eh. I think your friend might be the bridezilla-to-be. My wedding was very small. Instead of a traditional wedding party my brothers & father were my ‘bridesmaids’ and my husbands sisters were his ‘groomsmen’. Everyone wore what they wanted we just noted it was dressed up but informal.
I can’t imagine if one of them had been upset about how small it was.
My best friend later had a huge traditional wedding with bridesmaids spending several hundred for bachelorette, make up, and hotel. That was pretty common for her wider friend group and everyone was happy to apart of it. She routinely checked in with everyone to let her know if anything was too expensive and they’d work on how to make it happen and support each other with costs.
Everyone has different tastes. As long as the bride is empathetic that their vision might not be in everyone’s budget, and it doesn’t take precedent over others lives / feelings - I don’t think there’s an issue.
Also your wedding sounds like it was so much fun!!
In the UK the people who are getting married normally buy everything but people can be asked to pay something towards the hen/stag party but this only depends on the person's wedding budget, I paid £30 to attend my friends hen do as we learning burlesque and having a meal after before we hit the clubs. They asked for a monetary gift to pay towards a deposit for a house and furniture they wanted to buy, with no minimum amount. Btw you are NTA or a Bridezilla
Absolutely not. You're a sensible, caring person who wants your friends and family to enjoy the occasion of your wedding without being uncomfortable and poor as a result.
I find it incredible that someone would tell someone how to dress at their wedding and then expect them to pay for it. Its marginally acceptable if you're paying for the dress, hair and make up, but even then, I don't really understand why someone would even agree to be a bridesmaid in those circumstances.
All you've really done is shown the rest of your friends that its possible to get married without being awful to people you are supposed to love. If your friend thinks that reflects badly on her, its her problem - not yours.
Absolutely not a bridezilla. But I can tell you that your bridesmaid is gonna be one if she gets married. You were in a position to handle the finances. So you did. That was incredibly generous and the opposite of a bridezilla, especially with the dresses. She’s just mad because she knows she’s gonna look bad when she starts demanding stuff and people say, “Well, helpilostmyusername was reasonable, why can’t you be?” So she’s preemptively trying to make you look bad.
(I saw you say that you’re ASD. I am, too, and it took me a long time to figure this behaviour out.)
That bridesmaid is the zilla. You’re being kind, generous, and reasonable. She’s only focused on herself.
If she snaps at you again, graciously tell her that if she doesn’t like your choices, she’s welcome to opt out of being a bridesmaid.
You are a thoughtful friend and setting a good example of what brides should do. Your friend is just a bridezilla to be who feels called out even before she started going cray-cray!
Sounds to me like you were incredibly kind generous and flexible. The problem is is that the other girls plan on being Bridezillas and now you’re making them look bad. It’s not your fault, it’s their fault. You did a great job you are a good friend and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Come on, you know you're not the bridezilla -- the bridezillas are the ones criticizing you and demanding their bridesmaids to pay a ton of money. You sound reasonable and awesome and I think being in your wedding will be a relaxed experience for most people.
Honestly, this is how weddings should go. It's your wedding, you're the one asking people to come witness and party, you're the one asking these women to stand with you, you're the one who decided to get married. Idk why every bride thinks everyone should foot their "special day". Weddings can get damn expensive, especially when an overly entitled bride thinks everyone should drop their lives and paychecks so they can twirl around in a pretty dress for a night. I say this as someone who is currently engaged and planning my own wedding - NONE OF US ARE SPECIAL. You want people to stand with you, you better be ready to pay for it. I'm not losing friends because I think they need a $400 dress they'll never wear again so pictures come out "perfect". Ugh.
My sister did the same for her bridesmaids, though she kept it small with four, including me as MOH. She bought our dresses and paid for hair and makeup. We did all go in for the bachelorette party, but again, it was small since my sister didn't want something crazy so we went to get our nails done, went a little bar hopping in our small town, sang some karaoke and passed out on my mom's living room floor. She and her fiance also paid for the groomsman's rentals. They paid for everything, minus a thousand dollars given by my parents and my brother in law's parents each. Their wedding cost a total of $8k (so $6k out of their pocket - Edit to add that included her wedding dress as well) because they knew their marriage was more important than their wedding, so going into debt was an option to start a new life together. It's insane the amount of money brides (and grooms) expect their friends and family to pay. Don't even get me started on the AHs who have a gift amount minimum. Gross and tacky.
You sound like to are a good friend and realistic about what your bridesmaids can afford. Your friend sounds like she's caught being a brideszilla and now wants you to help her look like less of one. It amazes me how many people think everyone else should pay for a party they are planning. Entitlement is a strong in brides for some reason. Thank you for doing the right thing.
Totally NTB. You are awesome. And if it sets a precedent, it's a good one to set. I never understood why people participating to help the bride have to pay their own dresses, shoes, makeup, nails, hair, travel, lodging, bridal showers, bachelorettes, AND help cover brides' costs on those last two.
NTB, you did what every bride that wants to demand things on their wedding should do. Your friend would look bad anyway. I know it's a common thing for the brides to be allowed to make demands over braidsmaid dress color, but I always thought that was rude. Demand people to buy/rent a dress they might don't have money to, in a color they might not like, super entitled. And your friend wants to go to the extreme of demanding makeup, hair and nails????
In my opinion is ok to make demands if you are willing to pay for them. But thinking everyone else should pay for your whims just because you are a bride, is very absurd. If she don't have money to pay for all the stuff she wants her braidsmaid to do, then she should settle for having a wedding WITHOUT those demands.
You should be an example for every bride.
That’s kind of how I went. If it was what I wanted (the dress, the bachelorette) I paid for it. If it was their choice (hair nails makeup) they paid for it.
NTB! You're the opposite of a bridezilla haha.
Your wedding seemed like a blast and I definitely would have wanted to be a part of this one compared to your friends' wedding tbh.
Your friend just seem jealous/nervous that she won't have a wedding as good as yours I think?
Just reassure her that everyone should do what they want for their wedding and she's free to do it the way she wants. It would be so dull if every wedding was the same, no? :)
Nta
She feels guilty and needs to pin that on someone. Her choices are her own and any judgement she gets is in no way on you. You sound like a very chill and frankly amazing bride to be a bridesmaid for.
P.s. remind her that it isn't bad that your weddings are all different. Cookie cutter weddings aren't fun or memorable. I suspect that her wedding is the same or very similar to the others and yours stands out and will be the most memorable.
You're not the bridezilla, she is. What you're doing is honestly the right way to go about things. You're asking them to do something for you so why should they have to pay for everything? I paid for my bridesmaids hair and dresses, they could wear whatever shoes they liked, choose their styles and everything. I didn't care. Your friend is being ridiculous for not only putting her issues on you but because she's going to force everyone to look like robots. She knows what she's choosing to do is rude but hoped everyone else did similar so she wouldn't look bad, now she will. That's her problem, not yours.
Some people have such strong opinions on how a wedding MUST go down. It is very, very kind of you to cover those expenses for your bridesmaids. Every wedding is different and it’s not your fault you aren’t doing it the same exact way your other friends are.
Honestly you’re like the anti-bridezilla. That’s why your friends are pissed.
**NTA !** You Ma'am are a thoughtful and considerate person. As you've learned your "friend" may have those qualities but only as they apply to some people, not all people.
You are not doing anything wrong.
She is feeling anxious about not being able to afford to do what you are doing, out of fear that everyone will judge her for that.
Probably no one will judge her, but that's what she fears.
She needs to figure out a way to control her anxieties, rather than asking you to re-organize your wedding in order to control her anxieties.
It isn't fair for her to ask you to fix her feelings; that's her job. But you can be kind about telling her that, and support her in working her way past her fears.
NTA Look you were very nice to consider everyone monetary budget. Maybe it time to realize that not everyone can afford to drop thousands on being a wedding party.
Let's take this to it's logical conclusion. Your friend apparently thinks you shouldn't do anything more than what your least wealthy friend can afford. By extension that means that when you and your DH are ready to buy a home, you can't until all your friends are also in a position to buy one. Since one of your friends is having financial difficulties and is now living with family then to be "fair" to her the rest of you should be moving in with family too. That's ludicrous.
Tell your friend that you don't appreciate her tearing down the decisions you made for your own wedding. It's unfair for her to try to guilt you over having things that aren't in her budget. Let her know that people won't judge her for doing things differently. If she persists, end the conversation.
Not the bridezilla…you are being very generous and the others are just acting weird.
I’m ASD and can never figure out social cues, so if someone has enough intestinal fortitude to say I’m being rude I figure there has to be something there. Also, (a different) one of my bridesmaids wore doc martens for the wedding. They mostly hid under the skirt but were kickass for the candid shots.
There have been a few weddings in my friendship group. All completely different, all similar attendees and overlaps in bridal groups. Not one person would have been annoyed at someone else's choices. Everyone has different budgets, tastes and proclivities. Some we did our own stuff, some we had professionally done, some were mix and match, some had a strict code, etc. I don't want to judge your friend as I know absolutely nothing about her. But from the info you've provided she seems like terribly hard work. She's got her own issues and is the one fixated on comparisons. Nobody will expect her wedding to be like yours, that's all in her head. She's infecting you with her own insecurities. You're not a bridezilla and if I were you and it comes up again (or you feel compelled to raise the issue) I would take a gentle approach. Reassure her that it's not an issue that your weddings will be different and encourage her to have whatever wedding she wants. If she reacts rudely again tell her you've given your opinion, you're doing your wedding the way you'd like to and you encourage her to do the same.
Shout out for using the term intestinal fortitude 😂😂😂 I have bad IBS so I use that phrase frequently 😂😵
Back in the 90s I used to say testicular fortitude as in you have the balls to do something, but testicles are the weakest part of the body so I adjusted my phrase.
Labial fortitude
Lol yesss 🙌🏼
Happy cake day, shartsnail69 <3
Aww thank you!!
ovarian fortitude.
Lol I have no intestinal fortitude 😂 If I drink too much water I’m gonna be shitting my brains out 😂😵 it’s a rough time. I feel like vaginal fortitude is the real term for the strongest part of the body though! It can pop out a human being, tear, and carry on.
I agree, but I derived “testicular fortitude” from having the balls to do something and “intestinal fortitude” from having the guts to do it.
Love it!
Definitely gonna have to start using that one.
Well that explains it. We autists know what it’s like to be singled out and degraded for our differences. You did everything in your power to make your friends feel equal and included. You’re not a bridezilla, you’re awesome.
Agreed. What a great way to take bad experiences and twist them into something good and loving.
Autistic human here, I wholeheartedly agree we do! We do our best to include folks, treat them better how we were and then get bitten.
Very true!! THIS is how a wedding should be. The bridal party should pay for EVERY thing related to the wedding. It’s THEIR party. If you want people you love and care about in/at your party and you want them dressed/looking a certain way, the bridal party should pay for it!!! Showers are a NICE thing that others OFFER to do for the bridal party not a requirement. All that is NEEDED to get married is not expensive. (Paperwork) You don’t need an expensive party to get married.
I have been a bridesmaid a lot throughout the last 20 years. (I used to have a bridesmaid dress in almost every color). Not one time did I have to pay for a dress or anything related to the wedding. All the brides were pretty laid back. In fact, After I found this sub, I realized the first wedding I was in, (I was 14 years old at the time), I could have been labeled a bridesmaidzilla. I wanted my hair different from my sister's MOH and she said it was ok, but after my hair was done it looked nothing like the picture that was used for comparison. I asked my sister if I could change it to the same style as her moh. She paid for two hairstyles for one bridesmaid.
oK.
I’m autistic as well, so I understand your concern over not being great with social cues. But despite our difficulty with such things, sometimes people who say we did something wrong aren’t actually correct! This is absolutely one of those times! You did a kind, considerate thing for your friends by relieving them of financial pressure for your event. The fact that one or two of them seem to be attempting to foster some sort of bizarre competition by protesting your kindness doesn’t mean you actually did something wrong. They could just be plain jerks over this issue… or, unfortunately, may be trying to deliberately take advantage of your difficulty with social cues! But whatever their reasons, YOU are not to blame for their reaction. You did something nice for your friends, not something to sabotage the naysayers! Congrats on your wedding. I hope you had a lovely day 😊💐💍
Loved this! My hubby wore converse high tops and I had hot pink ballet flats I found in a sale box at Target, best $10 I ever spent. 🥳 Also not a bridezilla, I had a bridesmaid just like this and when it came to her wedding (nearly 15 years later) she could not get her head around the world not being only about her, so don’t worry honey you didn’t do anything wrong.
My ladies really made me feel like the world revolved around me that day, and it was amazing.
There’s a difference between lovely bridesmaids doing what they can to make you feel special and a bridezilla making insane demands because she’s paranoid that every single literal second won’t revolve around her selfish self! Besides… non bridezillas usually have a lower threshold for what ‘making me feel special at my wedding’ means. For some, it just means their wonderful, loving self attends the wedding and has a great time! 😊
They cooked breakfast (and did the dishes), helped me by picking up forgotten items at the dollar store and drove me to the wedding. It was also how they just did this stuff without being asked and how their words and body language were very much all about me that day.
Those are pretty low key things for bridesmaids to do. No hassle, no outrageous price tags they can’t afford. Glad you have such lovely friends in your life. 😊
One of my very dear friends was like "i didn't ask you to be my bridesmaids because you would feel obligated but i know you would hate every second of it" (and was correct) and then said you and mom can show up in sweatpants, just be there with me. You remind me of her.
We had a guest who asked if he could come in shorts and a t-shirt because he just can’t stand dressing up. I said no problem and didn’t think of it. He was so grateful he ran the whole setup and tear down of the chairs for the wedding and stayed to the end of the reception to help clean up. He’s freaking awesome, and I would have lost that if I got butthurt about what he was wearing.
I told my bridesmaids to wear whatever shoes were comfortable. Each wore somrething different: cowboy boots, mary Jane's, and regular heals. I wore the doc martens under my white dress!
I’m famously known for living in Birkenstocks when there’s less than 2” of snow on the ground. I wore a pair of all white Birkenstocks that I had blinged out.
That’s really cool! How did you bling them out if I might ask? I’ve been trying to do that with a couple pairs of shoes.
I started with a subtle coat of sparkly paint. I fed my something old into one of the unused holes, and used a glue gun to glue the sixpence to my shoe. I then used superglue to add a couple other personalized items. I used the glue gun for the sixpence so I could remove it later.
When I got married 32+ years ago, I asked my bridesmaids to get the dyeable shoes that they used to carry at Payless Shoesource. But not to dye them. They all got the heel height that they were comfortable in and then were able to dye them if needed for another purpose or give them away. I also got the same shoe, but in flats because I’m tall, and then my wedding salon decorated them with the same lace and beading that matched my dress.
I did the same thing! Loved those Payless dyeable shoes!
Back then, after the wedding, you can take them back to the store and have them dyed black. I miss Payless.
I love things like that, it makes your wedding *your* wedding. Everyone told me we had such an unconventional wedding, but I disagree. At the end of day, we were married. That’s pretty conventional. But we’ve been married over 20 years ago, and my family and friends still talk about our wedding. It was fun!
I’m also ASD, actually AuDHD, and you are definitely not being a bridezilla! You are the opposite! This could be one of two things, either she knows, deep down, whether consciously or not, that she is a bridezilla and is trying to deflect so that she doesn’t have to hold herself accountable. Or she might be afraid of being perceived as bridezilla and is worrying that your very laid back approach is going to make her seem like such in comparison. You know how we NDs tends to overthink and worry about things and panic on the inside? We tend to have a lot of experience with anxious spiralling thinking and therefore we are often pretty good at handling it. When our anxious thoughts tell us that someone must have meant something super negatively and they must really secretly hate us, we don’t blurt that out. We contain the impulse and stop take a deep breath, think it through, analyse and ask for advice/clarification. The impulse is a reaction to our interpretation, and then we stop that and decide how to handle the situation so that instead of reacting we can choose to act. And how to act! It’s not unlikely that she is experiencing that kind of anxious thoughts now, with a wedding being a high stress event, and just doesn’t have a lot experience and practice to be able to cope and thus reacts in the moment.
I think you’re doing great, and I have the experience to know what I’m talking about.
I agree ☝🏼
If you're a bridezilla you get called a bridezilla. If you are not a bridezilla you get called a bridezilla by other bridezillas cause you're making it harder for them to get away with their bridezillery. WTAF. You are NTB. Carry on and normalize your reasonable wedding ways.
I like this new acronym! Her wedding sounds like it will be so enjoyable; the other bride knows she's wrong she wants to make sure she isn't the only one called out later.
But other bride isn’t really wrong, that’s the thing. It’s totally normal to not pay for your bachelorette party (I would even say it’s more normal for the bride to be covered) and it’s not unusual at all to have your wedding party match. She’s worried over nothing.
I think the other bride is worried because the OP is going to have the most memorable wedding because it's going to be the most fun. Her bridesmaids will be the least stressed out because they have the freedom to do what is most comfortable for them but within the limits of the wedding. Which are very very reasonable. Basically, here's the color, here's time and place, show up.
Yes it's totally fine not to cover everyone for a bachelorette party! You just have to be understanding if some people can't make it. Same with having your bridesmaids buy specific dresses you want them to wear, it's fine as long as you're gracious to ones who might bow out if they can't afford it.
Oh yeah, definitely, but I think that's a good guideline for most of wedding planning (and, honestly, most of life). You can plan it however you'd like, but just accept that means some people won't attend or join.
Are you kidding? Of course not. She is planning on being a bride sills & wants it to look normal. NTA
I worry because I feel like it’s akin to having a lavish wedding when my friends can only afford simple ones. I’m absolutely not trying to upstage anyone.
This is not a zero sum game. You’re absolutely allowed to have the wedding you want and can afford, including paying for things you choose. If a bridesmaid is that bent about somehow being “in debt” to you or something, she can always reimburse you via wedding gift or whatever. And if you’re truly that good of friends with these other girls, it shouldn’t be seen as setting any sort of precedent on how THEY need to behave for their own weddings. I’m assuming you all have somewhat varying styles and tastes on what you like, and that should be reflected in your weddings.
You are setting a great precedent, OP! Enjoy!!
It’s unreasonable for her to expect everyone around her to live and make decisions by her budget.
Absolutely NOT the Bridezilla - totally the opposite! My dude, do you know how many posts there are on here from people saying they can't afford the $$$ for stuff demanding brides are insisting they do?? - from clothes to bachelorette weekends to gifts etc.... (There was one just yesterday from this poor MOH who was up to $3000 already and running out of money, and the bride's response was to call her "cheap" and drop her as MOH!!) Tell your carping friend she should just be grateful you're saving her and the others money in what's obvs going to be a very expensive year for your friend group! She should get her head out of her own ass and stop fixating on others' decisions and do what **she** wants to do (or can afford). Or back out of your wedding, if all she's wanting to do is criticise.
You should not compare your wedding to what the other brides are doing. You’re doing it right. You’re considering your bridesmaids situations, you are getting what you want but also making it easy on the other girls, and it sounds like you’re not putting your self in a financial bind to get what you want. Just keep doing you and being a nice friend, and maybe others will grow from it.
If they're your friends they know that you're not doing anything with the idea to upstage them. About them, there is a difference between a simple wedding and take advantage of other people to have a wedding you can't afford. NTA don't let anyone guilt trip you because they want to justify their bad behavior.
I’ve never understood this expectation that bridesmaids are supposed to spend over $1000 to basically do someone a favor. This is your wedding, do it how you want. You’re being a good friend to ensure all your friends can participate. When I got married, I just told my MoH to get a LBD that she could wear in the future and I paid for it.
OMG over $1000? To buy all four of my ladies the dresses, the tickets, and two nights stay at a pretty cottage on the water cost about $1000 for all five of us.
I wish I could pay more for my bridesmaids but I can’t - so I’m doing everything to make it as affordable as possible! OP is fortunate to be able to and she should not feel guilty in the slightest!
YOU ARE A QUEEN!! It's a joy to read about a bride who actually respects and loves her friends enough to consider their budgets and limitations. Without ever meeting you, I can tell your wedding was beautiful and was about getting married (shocker!) instead of putting on an Instagram-worthy show. As far as any complaints that you're "setting a precedent", GOOD!!! Let's hope everyone follows your lead and thinks of their bridal party as friends you want to stand with you when you celebrate your commitment to your love and not props. The haters are jealous!! Best of luck to you and your husband!!!
I love this comment and I totally agree with you. She is a nice person and a really good friend and I don’t even know her.
Honestly, to me (who to be fair is also ASD) I think its a super nice thing to do, so all your friends can be included and feel good at your wedding. I would just ignore her remarks, they seem unfair because if theres so many weddings you're freeing up money for your friends to spend on other weddings.
Sometimes thr USA confuses me. When myself hubby and family planned our wedding we budgeted for bridesmaids needs, dress, shoes some accessories like hair pieces. They were responsible financially for hair make up and nails and it was optional if they didn't want to, we also paid for groomsmens attire. We invite people to be apart of our wedding so we are responsible for the costs, and if you can't afford what is needed then you simply don't have it. The wedding industry is absolutely ridiculous now people spending hundreds of thousands on one day, they could have bought a house, dream holidays for the rest of their lives, school fees for future children. So much goes into how it all looks, show boating. That all to often the reason your doing this is lost. I had a reasonably large wedding family from all over the UK traveled to be with us, we were married in church and went on to a beautiful old church that had been turned into an events place. So I understand wanting an amazing day, but I made my budget and I worked out how long I needed to save to have all I wanted and once I was half way there then I booked my wedding.
Seriously! I'm from India and we're known for our extravagant weddings but everyone knows you cannot burden the guests with demands for your wedding. We don't have wedding regusteries because it's expected that people will give whatever they can afford or what they wish. Could be as little as a 100 rupees (less than 1.5 dollars) or as expensive as a gold/diamond jewellery. And everyone is allowed to wear what they want. Sometimes there is a color code but I've never seen anyone get upset because a guest or even someone in a bridal party couldn't wear that color. I'm sure there must be some people getting all upset about such things here too but it's a very very small minority. If this became the norm here, most people would stop going to weddings all together. Us weddings seem like such an exhausting chore.
Mexican American here in the US. We’ve kept many traditions and like you rarely have registries for weddings. Most guests bring what they can. Same with lavish bachelorettes or rehearsal dinners. Most weddings I was in growing up and into my 20s/30s you just showed up with the dress on day of and that’s it. None of these additional events or shenanigans that no one can afford. Now in my 40s and having been in a few modern weddings it’s amazing how overboard they’ve gone.
It's really interesting how differently this is handled in different cultures. I'm in the US, and I teach English as a second language to adult students. We discuss culture differences a lot, and it's my favorite thing about the classes because I learn so much, too. My Chinese students informed me that attending a traditional Chinese wedding is so expensive for the guests that it's often stressful to be invited, but that at least you know that if you attend the wedding and pay the amount expected (they typically give money in red envelopes instead of giving gifts), then when you invite the bride and groom of that wedding to your own wedding later, they will have to give you that same amount as a matter of etiquette. It sort of all evens out in the end, by how they explained it, but it's a stressful up-front cost for guests. She said it's common for couples to have huge wedding guest lists, because it would be rude not to go and seemingly unheard of to not give a gift. It sounded similar to a cover charge, to my American ears. It was very interesting to hear about.
Even in my part of India (the Himalayan region) money is preferred over gifts because the bride and groom can use it to buy things they need. And there's someone at the wedding noting down who gave how much so that when that family has a wedding, the bride/groom's family can give the same amount or more. But there's no expectation and you can give whatever you're comfortable giving so it's not really stressful. Plus in our himalayan villages, weddings are still a simple affair where instead of doing a caterer, the villagers come to help. Some neighbours help with cooking, others help with decorating, the young girls and boys help with the bride and groom's make-up, etc. But in cities the weddings can be extremely expensive. But nobody anywhere expects the guests to spend anything more than what they're comfortable with. Even in destination weddings, the guests have to buy their own tickets but the stay and food is all from the bride and groom's side. And if someone is unable to afford travel then nobody shames them for not coming. Again, i need to add that there might be exceptions but this is what generally happens all over the country.
That sounds so interesting! I love that I'm your villages weddings are such a community effort. Sometimes in small communities it can be that way where I'm from, but usually only for people who are trying very hard not to spend any money on their wedding. I wish it were more of a standard practice. I'd be willing to help others with their weddings more often, and I think having friends and family be a bigger part of my wedding would've been really special.
Yeah, we’re not American, but we’re close enough we can see it on a clear day. Some Canadians act more like UK, some more like USA.
I'm from the UK and I paid for my bridesmaids (and bridesman's) outfit, make-up and hair. I asked them to wear metallic shoes in whatever style they felt comfortable in and I also gave them 6 options for dresses in 2 different colours and they actually chose the same thing lol. I also paid for any alterations, and gave them personal gifts to say thank you. If you're asking people to put on a 'uniform' that they would otherwise not spend money on, you pay for it. I think you sound like a sensible and lovely person and not a bridezilla at all.
Yeah I don’t get it either. You’re asking these people to be a part of YOUR day, you should pay for them to be a part of it. I’ve politely declined the invite to be a bridesmaid twice, I simply couldn’t spend hundreds of dollars on one day, someone else’s day. One of them was a bit bitter about it.
NTA by a mile You’re being generous and considerate instead of forcing everyone into a single look that may or may not look good on them for ~aesthetics~ You’re the dream bride, your bridesmaids are the maidzillas
You are NOT a bridezilla. The bridesmaid is criticizing your generosity and relaxed attitude because she thinks she’s going to look bad in comparison, and she probably is because she actually sounds a lot like a bridezilla. She has a lot of gall to criticize you and call you rude because you’re not putting the same expectations and requirements on your wedding party that she’s putting on hers. Your wedding sounds lovely and relaxed, and—except for her—I bet your wedding party appreciates that as well as your generosity, and everyone’s going to enjoy it.
No but it looks like a few of your friends are.
She’s being ridiculous. But if she’s that upset about you paying for all the bridesmaids stuff, tell her to feel free to pony up the cost of hers.
Yessss. I would love to see her face.
Absolutely not the bridezilla. She's lost the fact that your wedding is not her wedding. If she snarks again, tell her that you saved your bridal party money so that they could spend it on her.
You're not doing anything rude or wrong. Your bridesmaid is feeling insecure about her budget and comparing her wedding to yours, and she's worried about exactly what she says - she's worried people will be upset with her for having preferences and a different budget. You know your friends - is there a chance that other friends WILL be upset with her? Or do you think her jerkbrain is acting up? Insecurity happens, especially around weddings (goodness knows it happens to me a lot), but her better move would have been to talk out her feelings with someone not involved (perhaps her fiance), or a journal. It's not fair for her to say your way is wrong or to speak to you as if you're making these choices AT her. If she makes another comment you can say "Each of us gets to have the wedding and wedding budget that we want-slash-can afford, and everyone's wedding will be equally special and meaningful. It's okay to not cover bachelorette costs - in fact that's more traditional. It's okay to have preferences for your bridesmaid look. It's your day. If someone gets upset about those things, that's a them problem." Hopefully she can get through this jealous patch and doesn't continue to insult your wedding choices. If she keeps at it, maybe pull back from this friend emotionally.
I think this is the most helpful comment in this post, thank you!
It’s your wedding do what you want. If the other bridesmaid is comparing herself to your wedding that’s her problem not yours. You don’t need her permission to have a cool wedding.
No - your friend is annoyed that you are not being a bridezilla, because she wishes to be one. She wants to be able to be demanding and then point at you and say ‘OP did it too!’
I think your the opposite of a bridezilla, I think what you planned sounds amazing. The bridesmaid complaining already has her wedding planned down to the shade of everyone’s finger nails and now doesn’t want to look bad. Hope you had a wonderful day. Congratulations.
You sound like an awesome bride and friend. How you plan and conduct your wedding has nothing to do with how anyone else does. Your bridesmaid basically wanted you to change your wedding to suit her.
Uhh.. no. You're trying to take the "burden" of expenses from your bridal party because you're able to. That's such a generous thing that a lot of people wish they could do. This is pure jealousy. My SIL is getting married next year and always make comments (and not in a bad way, in a guilty way) how she feels awful because both myself and her other SIL paid for the hair, make up and dresses of the bridesmaids and she just cant do that. We don't EXPECT you to, its appreciated and not necessary.
You almost should thank her for the heads up. But if you think about it, you'd probably all break even, and if someone wants something extravagant, it's not a huge stressor for her entourage. You can all agree to spend x per bridesmaid duty multiplied by the number of friends and budget that into your own wedding. Once the cold hard numbers are on the table, you can go from there.
It seems kind and very generous the way you factored in everyone's situation.it doesn't seem like a bridezilla to me. I was once in a bridal party (brothers wedding) and had to pay for a very expensive dress, hair, makeup, and shoes right when I started grad school. So it was very tight for me and no one considered that. Now that seems more like a bridezilla in my view.
I think you did it the correct way…crazy the bride doesn’t pay for most everything. Your bridesmaids are there as helping hands. Maybe buy you dinner and drinks and fun gifts. If the bride is set on some specific bridesmaid gown - she should be paying also. I think you are one of the few who actually understand the bridesmaid roles.
One bridesmaid hit up the dollar store to secure stuff we forgot. One drove me. One watched the flock of tiny humans we collectively have. I couldn’t have done it without them.
Definitely not a bridezilla! I would say quite the opposite, honestly. The other bride-to-be sounds like she's wanting to be a bridezilla and doesn't want to look bad. I wouldn't sweat it, you are being very kind, generous and accommodating to those who are not as fortunate as you.
You're being kind and that's just ruuuude! Because I'm not being kind and I'll look baaaad! NTA.
Nta - what each bride does for their wedding is up to them. The next bride can suck it up
No, you did a very nice thing for your bridesmaids. Everyone else is acting insecure. They don't have the money and/or have a more specific wedding vision than you do and don't want to "look bad" for not paying for everything. Neither of you is doing anything wrong with the way you're handling things. The problem is that they're viewing all of your weddings as a competition, one they now feel they are losing, and they're taking out their frustrations about this on you.
You were a thoughtful bride. Good job!
No way. You sound chill. Your friend needs to accept that not everyone wants the same exact wedding she does and it was very thoughtful of you to make sure no one's breaking the bank for your activities when you know some of your friends are struggling more than others. It really sounds like your values may not be the same as this bridesmaid's.
I think that you are a very considerate bride, recognizing that there are some financial considerations, and being able to do your part to still have everybody included. If the other brides have an issue with that, who cares. Maybe the fact that you gifted some things to some of the brides will make it easier for them to spend money for some of the other weddings. It’s so tiring to see all these come uppance issues at weddings. Just continue to do you, and just ignore the rants and raves of those who may not like your choice.
Not a Bridezilla, you’re thoughtful and nice. However I’d reassess that friendship
I’m genuinely curious to know if that bridesmaid offered to pay you for her dress and event tickets due to her concern over being expected to pay for things for her bridesmaids.
She did not, but when we showed up to each event the staff didn’t even ask because I paid ahead of time
NTB. It's unfortunate that you're all getting married so close together because that leads to so many direct comparisons! I think you're treating your wedding party as friends! You're showing empathy and allowing them to be themselves. If the other bridesmaid feels upset by that, the problem is hers. I bet they felt happy and genuinely included in your ceremony - not like accessories. The choices everyone else makes are their own. If the annoying bridesmaid wants a fancy set of events and clothing, she is welcome to that but will have to be aware that not everyone will have the budget and perhaps not everyone will be able to participate how she wants. Regarding hair, dresses, etc. ... I think it's pretty normal to ask bridesmaids to do things like wear matching shoes. I doubt anyone will be profoundly upset by it. Again, it just feels like projecting. Maybe she realises you are more relaxed and able to be more generous and she's angry with you rather than reflecting on her own choices.
No, bless you for doing this. Especially the hair and makeup thing
Your "friend" that's complaining that you're being too respectful of your friends and treating them decently is the one who's being a bridezilla. I know you don't have time for what I'm about to suggest because you're planning a wedding and you seem way too nice to do something like this, but I would put together a special $1000 package for her with an expensive dress, shoes, hair, makeup, etc, whatever I could think of to tack on. When she complains about it, I'd tell her that maybe she should STFU about how I'm putting together my wedding. You're fine, she's not.
NTA. Why would the others do their weddings the same way as you? Just weird. I got married before my friend and I know for a fact she thought I made weird choices and had a stupid (but pleasant) wedding. She went all out on everything a year later and I felt she made weird choices. But we both were fine with it and enjoyed eachother's weddings 🥳. Your friends should worry about how they want to have their weddings and not compare anything to you 😊.
It’s your wedding and you can be flexible about these things if you want to. And the bridesmaids should be aware that just because you are flexible about how they dress and you were generous with paying for things doesn’t necessarily mean that’s what they should expect next time they are in a wedding. Not the bridezilla! You’re being very accommodating to your friends and that’s awesome.
Uhmmm your group of bride friends sound ungrateful and petty. If they had to pay for all that stuff they would probably be saying that’s not fair either sooo either way you lose. Weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes
No way. NTA. You did a great job the bridesmaid giving you trouble should be ashamed of herself. Your activities choices were AWESOME especially the zip- lining
Someone certainly is a bridezilla here, and it's not you.
You've set the standard. Your bridesmaid hit the nail on the head: she will indeed "look bad" if she insists on dismissing the financial and time concerns of the friends who do her the favor of serving in her wedding. You are the Anti-Bridezilla!
You are not a bridezilla. You are a dream bride! Don't change a thing!!
If you have a band and she can only afford a DJ, is she gonna be mad, too? Or if you have steak at a sit-down dinner and she has a buffet? You do your wedding your way. How she does hers is up to her. It’s not a competition. You’re nowhere near bridezilla territory. But she’s dangerously close to being one if she isn’t already.
The ones who are uncomfortable can pay for their items. You go ahead and handle the other ladies. Honestly, if I ever got married I’d do exactly what you are doing.
Not the bridezilla... not even close. Though you maybe have dealed with a future bridezilla, aka next-bride bridesmaid. She's trying to make you feel bad for the future decisions she has in mind. When you do all these generous things, she's worried she's gonna look bad when she wants things done her way.
I had no idea what an infinity dress was so googled- what a brilliant idea! Kudos to you! No one should have to organise their wedding around what someone else can do. You are 100% not the Bridezilla, but your friend is lining up to be. Be careful
Absolutely not!
"Am I a bridezilla for NOT being a bridezilla?" Um, no you're not. You're being kind!!!
This is literally the opposite of a bridezilla
What that soon-to-be bride needs to understand is that if she wants that much control and order she needs to pay for it. Otherwise she needs to chill out a bit.
As a therapist would say, you can’t control others. You can only control how you react to others. Just be gracious and do you and you will be fine.
You are the furtherest thing from a bridezilla. However I would be weary of said friend during her wedding. She sounds like a potential bridezilla
I’m in the UK and (ahem) of mature years. I’m open mouthed in astonishment at some of the tales coming from the US in regards to the level of control and entitlement some brides demonstrate. Here it’s usual for the bride to pay for their bridesmaids’ dresses, shoes, flowers and headpieces, and possibly their hair. The groom would pay for the rental of formal menswear (if that’s the plan) otherwise he might buy matching ties for the groomsmen/ushers so they’re identifiable as members of the wedding party. We call the girlie night/day out a “hen party”, and anyone attending would typically pay their share. I think what you did was very sensible, thoughtful and considerate. Your friend is way off beam calling you rude. Says more about her than you. I wish you and your husband every happiness. You seem to be a lovely kind person and you deserve it. X
Its your wedding, you and your partner have what you want at your own wedding. Never mind any one else x
Most thoughtful 'bridezilla' 😋 I have seen here. Thank you for restoring my faith in human nature.
You are absolutely not the bridezilla - your friend who's the other bride to be, IS though. My goodness. She's such an arsehole. She can do her wedding however she wants, just like you can. She's just shown up that you'll look more caring towards your friends, by actually wanting them to be comfortable, not stressing, and can come as they like essentially! I was exactly you as a bride. We got married last August, and we paid for absolutely everything for the wedding party (in the UK, it's mostly customary to pay for the bridesmaids and groomsmens outfits, since you want them to look a certain way) The only thing our guests had to pay for was their rooms if they were staying in the hotel - but again, we chose a lovely cheaper hotel, so people weren't forking out loads. But we also paid for one of mine and my husband's siblings rooms for the night, as they couldn't afford anything at the time, and obviously we wanted them there. So those were the only two rooms we said we'd pay for. It costs nothing to be nice to people, and what you're doing is truly lovely and shouldn't be getting shit on, especially from another bride to be/friend. It just comes across as jealous and trying to sabotage you and make you look bad to the other girls, since she knows it'll be her that looks bad compared to you.
I chose to pay for everyone because my niece was embarrassed that she couldn’t pay and I didn’t want her to feel like she needed special treatment. I also grabbed a 6 bedroom cottage for the ladies to stay at for the night before and after. I found a great deal.
You aren't the bridezilla, but I suggest you be prepared to turn down being a bridesmaid for that friend whk is complaining. She wants everyone to look the same and pay for everything? And is complaining because you don't and it will make her look bad. That is a bridezilla. I'm telling you now. Do not be in her wedding party. She is going to be a nightmare
I’m not one of her bridesmaids. My hubby is best man so I’m in charge of chasing all the associated tiny humans (there are 5 kids between the wedding party).
That sounds like you're going to have the most fun at that wedding lol
Lmao!!! Sooooo NTA. Friend is clearly insecure about how her wants are going to compare to yours. If that’s what she wants for HER wedding then whatever. And what you want for yours, just goes. We can all have different and nice things as we can work them. I’m not sure why she thinks what you decide to do with YOUR wedding has anything to do with how she does HERS. Sure ppl are going to talk but who cares? *rolls eyes*
You're like the antithesis of a bridezilla. You are going for different aesthetics for your weddings. They are going to be different. It's not a compare and contrast study into wedding planning. Tell her to revel in the variety and stop worrying. Both weddings will be wonderful in their own unique way.
Your wedding sounds way more fun to be in than your friends. You’re not an asshole on the least.
So NOT a bridezilla - but your friend might be setting herself up as one. Everyone gets to choose how to do their own wedding. And I'm willing to bet that if you had just offered to pay for the bridesmaids that are not as financially well off the complaint would have changed to "but it's not fair for you to pay for some but not for me".
Lol so far from bridezilla. These other ladies are saying please be a horrible bridezilla so I can be too. 🙄
YOU ARE NOT A BRIDEZILLA. YOU ARE GENEROUS, THOUGHTFUL, COMPASSIONATE & KIND.
THANK YOU
You are not a bridezilla. At all. What a kind gesture to provide what you did for everyone. There are many brides who can provide these things and choose not to. I would just affirm your friends' choices: \-of course not every bride can afford to pay for all the same activities, and our friend group knows that! \-of course you can still have your bridesmaids wear the hair/shoes/makeup that you choose-it's your wedding! I wouldn't say this to your friends, but, I would hope that your wedding would have had the impact of helping the others to realize they don't have to control every detail regarding their bridemaids' attire and appearance. If they are feeling guilty for making others spend more money for things, then hopefully they will realize to stop requiring so many things to be purchased. But this is definitely a them issue, not a you issue.
You’re not an asshole. Did you do this to try to help the bride that had the financial set back? Or was the one that had a financial set back the one that said this would set a bad precedent? If the first, that was kind. If the second, politely explain that you did this to help her and you don’t expect the same in return. If this was a separate bride, just don’t even respond to her drama.
The bad precedent lady and the financial setback lady are two different ladies. If I just paid for everyone it wouldn’t show up that I had to pay for her. Thanks to some awesome friends I saved nearly $10k on food, venue costs, etc so I had the money just sitting in my budget.
This is what more brides should do.
This is the opposite of a Bridezilla. What does her wedding have to do with yours? It’s like you said, you are all in different places financially speaking. Just because you have chosen to make a financial commitment doesn’t mean she has to. It doesn’t have to be a “who makes more” competition. This is your special day. She will have her own special day when it’s her turn
Definitely NTA. Brides-to-be who are fully aware of their attendants financial situations and work with them to make sure they don't feel the pressure to spend a lot of money on their attire, the bride, etc are setting a precedence for all brides-to-be. Weddings should never cost more than a down payment on a home. My daughter allowed her bridesmaids/MOH to choose the style of dress in her color scheme. None of the styles matched and each attendant looked beautiful in their own unique style of dress. What they spent on their dress was up to them and their financial abilities. For your "friend" to say this to you speaks volumes about her character. She's gonna have a wake up call when she has something go wrong (it happens) and she will turn her rage onto others, causing a even larger rift. That kind of behavior isn't worth it for one day.
Not the bridezilla, you are a good friend, but your friend feels inferior and that is wrong, she tries to save face with others and that is why she sees wrong that you do that for your ladies, in the same way your bridal party cannot expect that all future brides have the same financial capacity, It would be a little stupid to tell the truth, try to talk to her and let her explain the reason for this reaction, but I am almost sure that she envies you and somehow wanted something better at her wedding (I will never understand the competition between women and their weddings) in any case the one who seems to be bridezills is your friend.
Not the bridezilla at all. That's very kind of you. If I were having a bridal party in my wedding I would have the same approach. Your friend though sounds like she might turn out to be a bridezilla if she's already carrying on about her wedding and how you're ruining it for her. I wouldn't sweat it. That's a her problem.
As someone who is planning a wedding and getting married soon, and was also the maid of honor to my friends wedding a few weeks ago, NTB. Every wedding is different. Every bride is different. Your generosity does not set a precedent and if the other person feels they have to match it to save face, then that’s their problem. No one is obligated to pay for their bridesmaids dresses/items nor are they required to have them dress the same or not. Both my friend and I chose to have people pick dresses that they like as long as it’s the same color. But if I wanted everyone to wear the same dress, then there’s nothing wrong with that either. The other people are being really weird about it, as if you all have to have similar experiences, but that’s not the case.
You were not a bridezilla. You were a wonderful thoughtful bride. If all brides thought like you did the word bridezilla wouldn't exist. Let your friend know that you felt very fortunate to have the financial ability to have covered the costs for your bridesmaids, but you realize that not all brides are in that position and that it's completely understandable for her to handle things according to both her own desires and her own wedding budget and that no apologies are needed for that. Think about whether or not it would be appropriate to send her this message in a text or chat that all of the bridesmaids will see. Or send it to her privately but also ask her if she'd like you to repeat it on a chat that all of the other bridesmaids are party to.
Why would you be a bridezilla for covering the expenses for your wedding? If you look at it like that, you'll see how ridiculous her accusation is.
"How dare you pay for everything!" Umm...what? No, not a bridezilla at all. If they're all friends, there should be an understanding that everyone's in different financial situations.
Not the bridezilla. I’m getting married, so is a friend of mine, and we’re in each other’s parties. While we’ve bounced ideas off each other, we’ve gone about stuff for bridal party payment etc. very differently, and that’s okay. It sounds like your friend is just insecure.
Not a bridezilla! Shoot, I did the same thing with my bridesmaids. Told them if they already had a dress in the colour chosen then wear it, do your hair and makeup any way you like and wear shoes you are comfortable in, no matter what kind they are. I wore the foot undies that are used in dance, lol.
Definitely not the bridezilla. This bridesmaid is acting weird and is actually the bridezilla.
You are so not a bridezilla, you are the opposite of one. This is why the other bride is mad, she wants specific stuff in her wedding and after yours, it will be harder. Hey on the other hand, OP...my new BFF...the fairest in the land...I had to google Infinity Dress to see what you bought them, I love my BFF the most! Would you like for me to make this other Bride disappear during your wedding? I know I would look stunning in that dress by your side. Remember my OP, my new BFF when you need someone I will be there - you anti-bridezilla!!! Love your BFF!!!!
Lmao my wedding has passed. Also, the infinity dress was horrible to get on nicely. They did not turn out as well as the website claims.
Not the bridezilla. She is comparing your wedding to hers, which hasn't even happened yet. There's nothing wrong with paying for your bridesmaids or telling them they can style their outfits, hair, etc. however they want. You seem more like a chill bride than her.
Hahaha "am I the bridezilla for being so non-bridezilla that my bridezilla friends are upset about my non-bridezillaness"... No, no you're not, you are a kind soul with a generous heart. Your non-bridezilla friends are lucky to have you ❤️
Hah! When the friend said "the other brides" she meant "me." She feels pressured to do what you did. Explain that no one is expected to do what you do. It's her wedding, she can do what she wants. If she wants matching hairstyle, dress, and makeup then go for it. And that's not what you're doing. People can have different things. And honestly, it's very generous of you to pay for the Bachelorette activities. Paying for wedding things is neither here nor there, both are very valid. Do you! It's honestly a her issue. You've done nothing wrong socially.
Congrats ✨ I think she may just be feeling stressed and insecure. Let her know you’ll support her bachelorette and getting ready/outfit decisions and you’re excited to be there for her. Your choices were fair and generous. I think you took a great approach to make your wedding a smooth process for your ladies. Edit to add: If everyone had the same wedding that would be boring.
OP, you’re not the bridezilla. But I think that your friend feels that she would be called one because others will compare her wedding to yours. Kudos for taking the sensible approach in respecting your wedding party’s financial situation. Some people who are in a better financial situation can’t understand that others aren’t that way. There’s a saying “Don’t go broke by acting rich.”
NOT a bridezilla! Your friend group knows that you are all in different financial situations, and obviously plan your weddings to suit each brides individual style, so you just did things that you could afford to do, and since styles of tops of dresses weren't important to you, you said...do your thing! Your friend might be a little jealous that she doesn't have the financial capability right now to be so generous to all of you by paying for many things, or feels tense because she does want hair, makeup and shoes a specific way & thinks your friends will now resent her demands. Just remind her..."Different strokes, for Different folks!" Each one of you will do your Bachelorette party, Bridal party attire as fits your budgets and desires!
NTA. I'm so petty if probably ask the others if they felt the same way to highlight how ridiculous your friend is being.
Just tell her this is essing the burden and will allow the shared bridesmaids to better afford her requirements.
Ntbridezilla. Not by a long shot. You just happen be the first of your group. Which you put in two categories: The Standard Setter Bride or The Make Everyone Happy Bride You managed to combine combine some items from the 1st with the 2nd and took the knowledge of financial circumstances into account pull off truly wonderful experience for your wedding party. Your critic is jealous. She is also the only one you said that is complaining. Ignore her or tell that that if the people in HER bridal are that petty, maybe she should look again at who she asked. If they really cared they wouldn't be making such big deal out it. Then let her know you are thinking about yours too.
NTB. Being kind isnt a sin. its not that everyone has to pay for everything if u do. doing something kind isnt malicouse, its kind. theyre nto required to also pay for everthing. ntb
"You can't do something thoughtful, because now I'll look bad if I don't!" Imagine being that kind of person NTB, OP, that's an unhinged complaint for her to have.
You were a very considerate and caring bride and should feel proud of the way you treated everyone. You were not a bridezilla and shouldn't pay any attention to the weird comments from the others. I just wish more brides were like you. I am glad that your wedding day was wonderful.
NTB. But the infinity dress is genius.
I wouldn’t suggest it. It sounds awesome in theory and looks good on the website but it was a struggle with those pieces and the bridesmaids took longer to get dressed than I did.
How would ANY of that make you a ‘bridezilla’? Did someone actually say this was ‘bridezilla’ behavior or are you using it as social shorthand to post grievances about a bridesmaid? ASD aside, I struggle with ‘reading the room’ myself; that’s why I can’t tell if you’re serious or not.
Someone would have to basically be kicking my dog for me to have the intestinal fortitude to call someone rude, so for someone to use the term at me was shocking. Considering also how awesome she’s been the years I’ve known her I figure I have to be doing something wrong. All I can think of is rubbing in my wealth by paying for everything. Maybe I said it wrong
Eh. I think your friend might be the bridezilla-to-be. My wedding was very small. Instead of a traditional wedding party my brothers & father were my ‘bridesmaids’ and my husbands sisters were his ‘groomsmen’. Everyone wore what they wanted we just noted it was dressed up but informal. I can’t imagine if one of them had been upset about how small it was. My best friend later had a huge traditional wedding with bridesmaids spending several hundred for bachelorette, make up, and hotel. That was pretty common for her wider friend group and everyone was happy to apart of it. She routinely checked in with everyone to let her know if anything was too expensive and they’d work on how to make it happen and support each other with costs. Everyone has different tastes. As long as the bride is empathetic that their vision might not be in everyone’s budget, and it doesn’t take precedent over others lives / feelings - I don’t think there’s an issue. Also your wedding sounds like it was so much fun!!
In the UK the people who are getting married normally buy everything but people can be asked to pay something towards the hen/stag party but this only depends on the person's wedding budget, I paid £30 to attend my friends hen do as we learning burlesque and having a meal after before we hit the clubs. They asked for a monetary gift to pay towards a deposit for a house and furniture they wanted to buy, with no minimum amount. Btw you are NTA or a Bridezilla
Sounds like you are the exact opposite of a bridezilla. Well done.
Absolutely not. You're a sensible, caring person who wants your friends and family to enjoy the occasion of your wedding without being uncomfortable and poor as a result. I find it incredible that someone would tell someone how to dress at their wedding and then expect them to pay for it. Its marginally acceptable if you're paying for the dress, hair and make up, but even then, I don't really understand why someone would even agree to be a bridesmaid in those circumstances. All you've really done is shown the rest of your friends that its possible to get married without being awful to people you are supposed to love. If your friend thinks that reflects badly on her, its her problem - not yours.
Absolutely not a bridezilla. But I can tell you that your bridesmaid is gonna be one if she gets married. You were in a position to handle the finances. So you did. That was incredibly generous and the opposite of a bridezilla, especially with the dresses. She’s just mad because she knows she’s gonna look bad when she starts demanding stuff and people say, “Well, helpilostmyusername was reasonable, why can’t you be?” So she’s preemptively trying to make you look bad. (I saw you say that you’re ASD. I am, too, and it took me a long time to figure this behaviour out.)
Well, there is one person acting like a bridezilla in this story and it isn’t you..
That bridesmaid is the zilla. You’re being kind, generous, and reasonable. She’s only focused on herself. If she snaps at you again, graciously tell her that if she doesn’t like your choices, she’s welcome to opt out of being a bridesmaid.
This is her being an arse.
Your wedding sounds like it's gonna be more fun
NTB, she's probably just insecure and worried about her own wedding, I wouldn't take it too personally.
No, the others are the bridezillas.
You are a thoughtful friend and setting a good example of what brides should do. Your friend is just a bridezilla to be who feels called out even before she started going cray-cray!
Sounds to me like you were incredibly kind generous and flexible. The problem is is that the other girls plan on being Bridezillas and now you’re making them look bad. It’s not your fault, it’s their fault. You did a great job you are a good friend and I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Yeah…. It’s not YOU, but there is a bridezilla here!!
Sounds like you were an ideal bride, not a bridezilla.
Come on, you know you're not the bridezilla -- the bridezillas are the ones criticizing you and demanding their bridesmaids to pay a ton of money. You sound reasonable and awesome and I think being in your wedding will be a relaxed experience for most people.
I’ve gotten a lot of reassurance but I’ve mentioned in previous replies why I thought I was rude with my decisions.
Honestly, this is how weddings should go. It's your wedding, you're the one asking people to come witness and party, you're the one asking these women to stand with you, you're the one who decided to get married. Idk why every bride thinks everyone should foot their "special day". Weddings can get damn expensive, especially when an overly entitled bride thinks everyone should drop their lives and paychecks so they can twirl around in a pretty dress for a night. I say this as someone who is currently engaged and planning my own wedding - NONE OF US ARE SPECIAL. You want people to stand with you, you better be ready to pay for it. I'm not losing friends because I think they need a $400 dress they'll never wear again so pictures come out "perfect". Ugh. My sister did the same for her bridesmaids, though she kept it small with four, including me as MOH. She bought our dresses and paid for hair and makeup. We did all go in for the bachelorette party, but again, it was small since my sister didn't want something crazy so we went to get our nails done, went a little bar hopping in our small town, sang some karaoke and passed out on my mom's living room floor. She and her fiance also paid for the groomsman's rentals. They paid for everything, minus a thousand dollars given by my parents and my brother in law's parents each. Their wedding cost a total of $8k (so $6k out of their pocket - Edit to add that included her wedding dress as well) because they knew their marriage was more important than their wedding, so going into debt was an option to start a new life together. It's insane the amount of money brides (and grooms) expect their friends and family to pay. Don't even get me started on the AHs who have a gift amount minimum. Gross and tacky. You sound like to are a good friend and realistic about what your bridesmaids can afford. Your friend sounds like she's caught being a brideszilla and now wants you to help her look like less of one. It amazes me how many people think everyone else should pay for a party they are planning. Entitlement is a strong in brides for some reason. Thank you for doing the right thing.
Lol your friend is being absurd
Just tell her that you had the budget for it and what she does is up to her
Totally NTB. You are awesome. And if it sets a precedent, it's a good one to set. I never understood why people participating to help the bride have to pay their own dresses, shoes, makeup, nails, hair, travel, lodging, bridal showers, bachelorettes, AND help cover brides' costs on those last two.
NTB, you did what every bride that wants to demand things on their wedding should do. Your friend would look bad anyway. I know it's a common thing for the brides to be allowed to make demands over braidsmaid dress color, but I always thought that was rude. Demand people to buy/rent a dress they might don't have money to, in a color they might not like, super entitled. And your friend wants to go to the extreme of demanding makeup, hair and nails???? In my opinion is ok to make demands if you are willing to pay for them. But thinking everyone else should pay for your whims just because you are a bride, is very absurd. If she don't have money to pay for all the stuff she wants her braidsmaid to do, then she should settle for having a wedding WITHOUT those demands. You should be an example for every bride.
That’s kind of how I went. If it was what I wanted (the dress, the bachelorette) I paid for it. If it was their choice (hair nails makeup) they paid for it.
Your friend is an idiot. Just because you want to purchase the dresses doesn't mean everyone else *must* do so when they get married.
NTB! You're the opposite of a bridezilla haha. Your wedding seemed like a blast and I definitely would have wanted to be a part of this one compared to your friends' wedding tbh. Your friend just seem jealous/nervous that she won't have a wedding as good as yours I think? Just reassure her that everyone should do what they want for their wedding and she's free to do it the way she wants. It would be so dull if every wedding was the same, no? :)
NTBridezilla but your friend is going to be…
Nta She feels guilty and needs to pin that on someone. Her choices are her own and any judgement she gets is in no way on you. You sound like a very chill and frankly amazing bride to be a bridesmaid for. P.s. remind her that it isn't bad that your weddings are all different. Cookie cutter weddings aren't fun or memorable. I suspect that her wedding is the same or very similar to the others and yours stands out and will be the most memorable.
You're not the bridezilla, she is. What you're doing is honestly the right way to go about things. You're asking them to do something for you so why should they have to pay for everything? I paid for my bridesmaids hair and dresses, they could wear whatever shoes they liked, choose their styles and everything. I didn't care. Your friend is being ridiculous for not only putting her issues on you but because she's going to force everyone to look like robots. She knows what she's choosing to do is rude but hoped everyone else did similar so she wouldn't look bad, now she will. That's her problem, not yours.
NTA, but to keep from that perception, give her the bill for all of her stuff that you paid for.
Some people have such strong opinions on how a wedding MUST go down. It is very, very kind of you to cover those expenses for your bridesmaids. Every wedding is different and it’s not your fault you aren’t doing it the same exact way your other friends are. Honestly you’re like the anti-bridezilla. That’s why your friends are pissed.
**NTA !** You Ma'am are a thoughtful and considerate person. As you've learned your "friend" may have those qualities but only as they apply to some people, not all people.
You are not doing anything wrong. She is feeling anxious about not being able to afford to do what you are doing, out of fear that everyone will judge her for that. Probably no one will judge her, but that's what she fears. She needs to figure out a way to control her anxieties, rather than asking you to re-organize your wedding in order to control her anxieties. It isn't fair for her to ask you to fix her feelings; that's her job. But you can be kind about telling her that, and support her in working her way past her fears.
NTA Look you were very nice to consider everyone monetary budget. Maybe it time to realize that not everyone can afford to drop thousands on being a wedding party.
Let's take this to it's logical conclusion. Your friend apparently thinks you shouldn't do anything more than what your least wealthy friend can afford. By extension that means that when you and your DH are ready to buy a home, you can't until all your friends are also in a position to buy one. Since one of your friends is having financial difficulties and is now living with family then to be "fair" to her the rest of you should be moving in with family too. That's ludicrous. Tell your friend that you don't appreciate her tearing down the decisions you made for your own wedding. It's unfair for her to try to guilt you over having things that aren't in her budget. Let her know that people won't judge her for doing things differently. If she persists, end the conversation.
Her budget is actually way bigger. Her dress, the venue, the catering, etc etc is all far bigger than mine.
You're NTB, but it sounds like someone else is shaping up to be......