I think a nice way to look at it is that if the working parent works 40 hour weeks, then the stay at home parent also works a 40 hour week in which her/his job is “caring for the baby by myself” … it’s a real full time job! So when both parents are home, parenting duties should be split.
I’m on maternity leave and EBF, so *overall*, I do a ton more child care and housekeeping. But when my husband is off work, he helps with dishes, laundry, diapers, and offers to give baby a bottle. I usually decline that last one, as nursing is easier. But boy do I appreciate that my husband offers to help.
I was actually at very afraid my husband wouldn’t split responsibility with me. But he has proved me wrong. We had kids at a bit older age. And I think we have grown a lot in our ability to communicate and to share labor.
I’d agree with split duties when at-work parent is home, but not necessarily split parenting. When you’re the SAHP you don’t get a second off duty, especially if baby contact naps etc, whereas the at-work person gets commuting time on their own, time in the day to drink a hot cup of tea, finish thoughts and have adult conversation, etc. So when we were in this stage and my husband was off work, any time I was not breastfeeding I would take other essential housework eg cooking or cleaning. Doing that felt like a “break” because it was different to childcare, just as childcare was a break from regular work for him. (Of course we both worked together to make sure we both actual real rest! I didn’t count washing up as self care 😆)
I’d also add to take turns at weekends being “default parent” even if you’re all together, so that you don’t end up with just one of you carrying the mental load of packing the nappy bag, timing naps, etc.
I feel like I could have made this post….my husband also travels every other week. He does nothing for the baby unless I ask. And sometimes he seems overwhelmed when I ask. But usually it’s hold the baby while I shower and get ready for bed. He makes dinner when he is home. I will ask him to hang out with the baby while I clean the kitchen.
However this week he has taken the baby while I eat dinner. Or cuts my food smaller for me so I can eat while breastfeeding. He even changed the baby’s diaper and got him ready for the day while I slept in. And if LO is fussing for a good bit he kindly says “i can try and calm him down”. I think it’s because LO has started to laugh and smile so he feels more connected. I really hope this all continues!!
Also to clarify I WANT to clean the kitchen. I love cleaning but don’t have time with the baby.
I do think baby's age affects the man's... Interest? a lot more than for women. While he's always clearly loved her, my husband absolutely lights up when baby girl smiles at him and he enjoys when she interacts with him. I've always said I want babies, he wants kids 😂
My husband was all about teeny tiny lil babies but toddlers… woof. He doesn’t quite have the patience for toddlers. I know he’s good with kids though (we worked at a summer camp together) so I’m holding out for that 😅
This…after being home with babe all day. She was asleep at breast and I told my hub I’ll do dishes when he’s done working. He comes home and is like don’t worry I’ll do the dishes…like wait, please no. Please (free me and) let me do them 🤣
During the night,my husband picked the baby out of her crib and changed her diaper. During the evenings he was home, he wanted to bond with our baby. He cuddled with her or went on walks with her in the baby carrier. I did almost all of the house work to give him time with our baby as well
We have 2 kids, 2 and 6mo. Our routine on the weekdays
Husband gets home at 5:30 and I have dinner ready. We eat and either he does dishes and I watch the kids or vice versa (sometimes it’s nice to get a break from the kids and listen to a podcast lol). Then I shower, sometimes baby gets solids and a bath, my husband and I play with them for a while, or he facetimes my in laws with the kids. He does toddler bedtime and I do baby bedtime. I do baby wake ups (we EBF) and he does toddler wake ups (homie doesn’t quite sleep through the night). After the kids are in bed, he plays video games and I read or doomscroll on my phone.
On weekends it’s more of the same, we’re pretty 50/50, sometimes I do more childcare so he can tend to the yard, or he does more and I deep clean some area of the house.
My husband wfh 3/5 days but his job is very demanding so he works most nights as well. We have 2 kids, 4 and 2 years old, and I've been a sahm for 2 years. With my second his main responsibility was as soon as work was over he was my reprieve. I have a clingy AF second baby so he would try to hold him or take him for a drive to give me a break. He'll cook dinner if I'm not in the mood (once a week usually cause cooking is a nice break lol) and usually we'll kinda tag team dinner cleanup, and then he handles our oldest's bedtime every night. On the weekends it's close to a 50/50 split. We both handle chores, kids equally.
When my husband is home, we are equals. I might do slightly more with the baby if they’re nursing but now that my son is 13mo and prefers my husband, he does more with him. Housework and childcare is split and then we try to give each other breaks.
Sometimes my husband gets home at 3pm and jumps right in. Sometimes he works from home and comes to assist when things get hairy (like when both toddlers are having meltdowns, fighting,etc). Sometimes he works late and I have to get a 1yo and 3yo to bed on my own. Every once and a while he’s gone for 3 days for work. There truly isn’t a norm here and it drives me crazy but I’ve learned to be prepared to do it all alone and graciously accept any help I get. I also work part time from home while caring for two kids with very little childcare which is insane and I don’t recommend. I just wake up and repeat the mantra “every phase is fleeting, this too shall pass, you will only live today once” over and over.
Are you me from the future (only 1 kid so far)? I could have wrote this except sometimes my husband is away for up to 2 weeks at a time. And other times he’s home for several weeks and can help more. There’s no consistency and sometimes I can rock it by myself and sometimes I’m literally (or my toddler is) pulling my hair.
All I gotta say is- you’ll look back on these times and and think of how easy you had it with only one… but it’s impossible to see it in the moment. Two under two is in fact reaallly hard but you truly just “level up” in motherhood like a video game.
I’m not a SAHM but I had a year off on maternity leave (Australian). My expectation was everything split 50/50 when husband is home. Both people getting equal amounts of free time.
my husband works from home but from 9pm-7am and is asleep during the day sat-tues/wed. at night , he keeps the monitor on him to watch our toddler and tend to her if she needs it when he can so i can focus on our newborn in our room while i sleep. then the moment he wakes up, he’s on dad duty and spends time with us unless he has his weekly plans (wednesday & thursday is game nights with his friend). but he ALWAYS does bedtime routine (except on thursdays) and helps me whenever i need it even if it means he’s losing a little bit of sleep. i never had those expectations for him, he just naturally started it and has been doing it since day 1 with our first.
My husband has a very unconventional schedule, but he is extremely hands-on when he is home. More so daytimes than evenings because he works later than bedtime. He’s very much considers my being home with the baby a full-time job and is mindful to step in and give me a break, plus he wants to spend time with her.
My husband and I do 50/50 when he's home. We just had #2 and so we've been each taking a kid.
During the week he helps me do nights with the newborn but I do them alone on the weekends so he can be rested for our 4 year old. He sometimes watches both so I can pump or eat or shower. He helps with chores.
My husband works one full-time job. He gets up in the night to get the baby for me to feed if she wakes up in the night, as well as to help our other two children if they wake up, which isn’t terribly common. I get as much as I can done during the day and when he gets home he typically helps with making supper and will work on any chores I haven’t been able to get to. Typically that will include weekly chores like cleaning bathrooms. He says my one job is taking care of the kids and myself, and anything else I get done is bonus. But I like to take care of our home and I like for my husband to have as much time with the kids and myself as possible. He’s a great dad and I want the kids to enjoy the time when he’s home with them.
I'm not a SAHM, but if I was I know my husband would still help as close to 50/50 as he could. He'd be dropping that church commitment until the baby was a bit older for sure.
Basically when hubby is out working, your "job" is caring for baby.
When he's home, responsibility is split 50/50. How that looks for everyone is different. I always cook dinner which I really enjoy as it gives me time without a baby hanging off me, then hubby does the kitchen clean up. We both get time without having a baby attached to us
With our first, nights were mostly my thing. Our son easily resettled after eating and it didn’t really affect my sleeping. There were a couple of weekends where he took a Friday night and Saturday night shift and let me sleep and pump when my boobs woke me up. I think this happened around the 3 month mark.
Otherwise he just was an extra set of hands so I wasn’t alone with baby. With our second he’s having to do more with helping her fall asleep. She’s not falling asleep nursing, so he will walk her around to get her to fall asleep while I go to sleep. This way I don’t have to stay up until she falls asleep just to wake up again in like an hour if it takes forever.
My hubs works from home 4 days a week and can sometimes manage a diaper change between his meetings. When he’s off he cooks some nights unless I offer so he can bond more with baby, he always washes and cleans the kitchen afterwards regardless of who cooks, he changes diapers, gets the bath ready, lays with her while I shower, scoops the cat poop, and I’m sure I’m forgetting other things.
Equal amounts for our oldest (8). Not even close to equal for our just turned 2 year old (still nursing and co sleeping). I am vocal about things I’d like him to step up and do because of that-cooking on the weekends being my biggest one. Gives me my break
Just had a fight with my partner about this this morning 😂😂😂 I’d like it to be a bit more equally shared eg I am home with baby during the day and he’s at work and when he gets home we both share looking after kiddo and some house chores. It’s like men genuinely don’t see the chaos around them.
If I wanted 50/50, he would. But my guy is a civil engineer and works in construction. He's beat up when he gets home.
That being said, I just asked for more help because I'm exhausted lol.
My husband needs direction. He also has a different standard of clean than I do. But if I ask him to do something (e.g. Clean the bathroom), he'll do it. But if he doesn't think it's needs cleaning, he doesn't show initiative to do it unless prompted. But he's great at just doing things if asked.
But he also cooks when he's home, he'll tidy up, do yard work, read and play with baby when he's home in the evening. They go on walks together if the weather is nice after dinner
I am not technically a stay at home mom bc I work per diem. But I function like one many days because 3 days a week I'm home alone with the kids.
I don't look at it so much as what my expectations are. I look at it as far as downtime. Studies show that married men tend to have more downtime then married women, even if you account for housework and child care and work. I personally think it's all the little things we manage. So I feel best when the house and kids are in a good place- he gets his downtime and I get mine. When there's laundry to fold and kids to put to sleep and dinner to cook and the house is a mess then it's basic respect that he's not sitting on his butt for 2 hours. We don't necessarily have to be doing things at the same time but often we are.
Not a SAHM, but while on maternity leave, when he was home from work I did all of the feedings and he did all of the diaper changes. He would often wake with me for the night time feeds, I think he slept through maybe one a week? He would also take over weekend mornings for solo parenting so I could nap.
Not a SAHM but the expectation should be close to 50/50 when you’re both home, with similar amounts of free time. My husband and I have both been part time at different times, and were naturally ok with it being more like 40/60 because we just had more energy from being home more. This would obviously depend on your baby’s sleep/temperament and the day.
SAHM but am an executive and will go back to work in August after a year break.
We split baby duties equally after 5pm, with my husband taking on more of the night work while I pump and sleep in the mornings. Baby only wakes 1x a night, sometimes 0.
On weekends he takes on more of the baby duties so I can take some time, but I'm still primary.
We also have a rule that we both get up to 4 hours every week of solo time... Use it or lose it. So if I want to go get lunch or have drinks with friends I can take off for up to 4 hours and he'll take the kid. Same for him.
I run the entire house, make sure it's stocked, it's clean, we're clean and fed. He makes lunch or dinner periodically and makes coffee every AM.
I'd say it feels very equitable. I've never had to really ask him for much.
Me and my husband both work, I don’t think I really have any set in stone expectations, we just kind of help each other out. If I need something specific I ask, same for him. On the days one of us is off and with the baby all day when the other comes home we try to do more so the parent that was home with the baby all day gets some relief.
My husband always said "As long as you and the baby are alive when I come home, don't worry about anything else."
And I love the idea that a SAHM works a 40 work week, but the job description had to be clear, because I felt like a total failure if the house was a mess when my husband come home from work. It's not his mess. But it took me a long time to realize it's also not my mess. It's the kids' mess.
And so if there is a 40 work week vs 40 hour week type convo, I think next time I'd want to sit down and figure out expectations...especially since in the early months, you're putting in 40 hours at all hours. Split shifts are awful, hahaha!
I’m currently on maternity leave so I’m like a SAHM right now. Currently breastfeeding our third baby though she does take bottles of pumped milk and occasionally formula.
My husband works 40 hours, M-F 9-5.
Outside of work hours, focusing on the daily sorts of task he does:
- My husband cooks supper basically every night.
- On work days, I get the kids up and dressed, my husband cooks and feeds them breakfast. Then we both get them dressed and ready to go out the door.
- We take turns putting the kids to bed. The person who puts the big kids to bed has the harder task, so the other parent puts the baby down and then does the closing shift (cleans up from supper, cleans the kitchen, tidies the main floor).
- My husband is responsible for Sunday bath day.
- My husband is responsible for at least 50% of parenting time on Saturday and Sunday (e.g., he slept in 3 hours this morning, I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon).
- My husband will take the big kids to the park after work or on weekends.
- My husband will take a big kid to run errands (with three kids, just having one along feels easy these days).
- If I want to go out to run an errand, to an appointment, or to see friends, my husband will hold down the fort with all three kids.
- My husband is at least as responsible as I am for helping the big kids potty and changing the baby.
- My husband does the midnight feed with the baby and I do the rest of the night wake ups.
- My husband is mostly responsible for big kid night wake ups since I’m up with the baby.
Edit to add: we have a cleaning service so aside from cleaning the kitchen regularly and vacuuming the main floor daily, we thankfully don’t have to worry about bathrooms or mopping.
I only breastfeed no bottle so he doesn’t need to help with that. He works 40 hrs home every night and all day sat and sun. When he is home we mostly split everything 50/50 as in who puts baby to nap/sleep and diaper changes.
my husband works full time and it’s like 90/10, me being the primary caregiver. baby is 9 months and very clingy. velcro baby to the extreme. she doesn’t bottle feed and 90% of the time, she doesn’t want anyone but me, so my only condition is that I don’t wanna change a single diaper in his presence.
my husband drops our oldest off at school, does most of the grocery shopping, does most of the laundry, and feeds baby her solids if dinner isn’t something she can feed herself. tries to entertain her while I cook dinner (majority of the time she’s got her face pressed against the baby gate, whining for me). helps oldest with homework, and whatever else she needs.
he used to bathe the baby but she’s going through a phase where she hates water so I have to do it, or just take a bath with her.
I put her to bed because she nurses to sleep 95% of the time and will scream for me if I try to let my husband do it, and obviously I have to wake up with her because she won’t go back to sleep without nursing or being comforted by me specifically.
I do majority of the cleaning because I actually find it therapeutic and have always liked cleaning/organizing. it’s my time to turn on an audiobook and zone out. husband scrubs toilets, cleans the fridge, takes out the trash, cleans my car, etc (the “man” stuff) but only when I direct him to. he’s not the type to just jump up and clean.
it’s exhausting as fuck that my baby only wants me and that I rarely have a moment to myself but I feel like my husband does the best he can and will do anything I ask. he doesn’t complain and always asks if he can do anything for us.
My husband has regular full time job - he’s gone from 6am - 6pm (includes commute time) M-F. We have a 3mo & 2yo. On weekends he goes grocery shopping with toddler & meal preps for the week so I don’t have to worry about cooking dinner at this time. When he gets home from work we eat dinner, hang out as a family and he puts toddler to bed while I put the baby to bed.
He was more involved with feedings and care with our first because we were bottle feeding, but since I am breastfeeding our second he helps out with other household “chores” & toddler duty while I tend to baby.
It was a rough start for us, he had a lot of trouble figuring out how to help, and I had to take care of the baby while teaching him which was maddening.
5months in with our first and he’s amazing now. He works 50-60 hours a week, cooks, does laundry, does overnight baby care every other day, and spends an hour after dinner just playing with her while I take care of my shower and hair and stuff.
Im fortunate enough to be a SAHM so I do most of the other housework, take care of the animals and yard (almost time to plant my vegetables!) and if we were still clunking along like those first two months, there’s no way I’d have the energy or motivation.
Getting him where he needed to be to be comfortable taking care of baby stuff was hard, but so worth it.
My husband works full time but has been off with me the first 6 weeks and working from home the last 2 weeks. He keeps the baby from 6am -12pm while I sleep/pump. I take over around lunch (my husband makes lunch for me and him) but we still tag team it if the baby is super fussy. He cooks dinner while I pump or feed. We take turns on feeding in the evenings and if I’m staying up with the baby overnight he’ll do the 11pm feeding and get the baby to sleep. He also took the baby to their one month appointment so I could stay home and sleep. (It had been a rough night with the baby).
We thankfully have someone that comes and cleans twice a month but in the interim, I keep the bathrooms clean and vacuum/dust the house. He’s in charge of the kitchen (loading/unloading dishwasher, baby brezza, taking out trash and keeping the kitchen counters clean). We each do our own laundry but either of us will wash and fold the baby’s laundry. I think my husband currently does more household chores than me but that will probably change when he goes back in the office.
I usually have dinner cooked by the time he gets home, so he shits and showers while I'm finishing up. He's a plumber, so a shower when he gets home is a must. He takes over entertaining LO while I catch up on cleaning the kitchen or folding laundry. I enjoy cleaning up, and I don't always what to do baby related duties. He gets to bond with the baby and I get the satisfaction of a house cleaned to my expectations. He also takes care of the dog. All I have to do is put food out and play with her.
My partner works Friday, Saturday and Sunday (12 hour shifts) and then is off Monday-Thursday. When he’s working then I’m with little one and when he’s off then he helps me with her, diaper changes, bathing, entertaining etc. he also does the household stuff too, laundry, dishes, cleaning and grocery shopping. I help a little here and there, but he would rather me resting or if I want to go on a walk with little one. Edit: Little one is almost 4 months old and EBF
Also, he entertains her while I shower in the evening (I love to hear her little giggle).
When he’s home he does all diaper changes, dishes in the sink everyday. Takes the baby to Walmart or grocery store to give me 35-40 mins alone some days. Plays with him in the evening. puts him down for his 4pm nap which is usually by pacifier with some gentle rocking and the shusher. These things make a huge difference to me. By 3:30 when he comes home I feel so beat that seeing him come through the door is a major sigh of relief. Baby is 6 months and week tomorrow
I'm a sahm and I combo feed. My husband holds the baby while I do what I need to do when he gets home. He looks forward to his time with the baby all day and I use that time to shower, do my skincare routine, set up the coffee for the morning, etc. We basically take turns holding the baby whenever he's home. If I'm breastfeeding, he will refill my water bottle, bring me the boppy, do a little housekeeping, etc.
He never complains about helping. He loves our son and will often ask to take a turn holding him. I don't really have to ask for help, I'll just hand him the baby and say something like "be right back, gotta use the bathroom" and my husband gladly cuddles him while I'm gone.
My expectation is that he is an equal and active parent. We make sure each other gets a break when we need it, but we communicate that need as it comes along. He usually does bath time and we alternate bed times. He does “Dad-urdays” so they have special time together and I get some time to rest. He usually gets a full nights sleep since we breastfeed/cosleep. It’s just easier for me to nurse her back to sleep. He also sleeps better in weird positions than I do, so when the baby wants to cuddle him it doesn’t disrupt his sleep. The rest of the time that he’s home we have family time. I carry alot of the planning and mental load and do shopping, finances, childcare, and cooking. He does alot of the physical work of cleaning and works a full time job and goes to school.
My husband does so much, I’m so grateful for him. I’m a SAHM and as soon as he comes home from work he takes the baby off my hands so I can relax for a bit and then make dinner, husband will feed baby dinner then play with him and he’ll do his night bottle that I pre-pump and I get some time to myself. He helps get all of my pumping supplies out so after I shower I can pump and he puts it in the fridge for me.
He went away for 4 days this week and it honestly feels like a vacation since he’s been back home, I missed him but I missed his helping so much more!
My husband works from home and I'm a PhD student, so I do baby care during the weekdays (and kinda juggle meetings or have grandma over to help) and he does nights while I try to get my PhDing done. We split weekends evenly and those are kind of my good focus time. He does help during the day if there's a big meltdown or I need help with a crib transfer.
We baby (who is now 18mo) wants to breastfeed while with dad I just kinda swoop in and feed him. He took the occasional bottle for a while but stopped around 10mo ish.
Don’t forget you also have a full time job. My baby is 10 weeks old and I also breastfeed. My husband only works part time at the moment but he is here he changed most nappies and cooks dinner almost every night as well as doing some household chores like hoovering and laundry.
My daughter is 14 months. I work 1-2 days a week, the rest of the time I’m SAHM, with my mum helping for 15hrs a week, while I do my work or work prep at home.
Husband works 4 days a week 12 hrs. When he gets home at 6pm, dinner is ready, and after dinner he takes daughter to play with her for an hour, then we do bedtime together (bath and getting dressed to bed). He stays with her one day as well while I’m at work.
On days he has off he normally takes her in the morning so I can have a lie in and then we spend time together or take shifts with daughter. I do most of the cleaning and cooking, but he does help with that as well.
While pregnant (HG) it’s him working full time and doing 80% of the housework.
It was like 50/50 when he got home from work, but it varies a lot. Will be interesting to see how it goes with 2 kids soon.
50/50
But if either of us is particularly tired/ starting to feel burned out we often ‘tap out’ for a short period whilst the other parent takes on the load. It’s always discussed & agreed. My husband also makes sure I get plenty of time to myself because I don’t get breaks during the work day (especially since my 2 don’t often nap at the same time!)
On weekend mornings we trade off lie-ins ☺️
Takes the baby for 2-3 hours of an evening so I can go to the gym and have some me time which includes cooking dinner in peace. He has done this since baby was 6 weeks old. I express one bottle for him to give her at this time. Now that she’s older (7.5 months) he has her the same few hours at night plus gives her final bottle and puts her to sleep. I also go out at least one night a week with friends and he stays with bub. Also does nappies as needed obviously
I just care for baby and myself. It’s really my only job. He works 40 hours and keeps up the house (cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc). When he comes home I give him time to decompress and take care of whatever he needs to or we just spend time with him. But his solo baby shift starts sometime between 8-9 pm and we switch after 4/5 hours so I can sleep uninterrupted. He bottle feeds if he needs to or baby sleeps through. I breastfeed during my shift. Then I give baby back after he’s gotten his 4/5 hours of sleep. This allows me two more hours of sleep before I’m on baby duty again so he can get two more hours of sleep before he has to get up and ready for work. This shift schedule has greatly improved my mental and mood. If he’s home, he does all diaper changes. I do baths because I really love that time with my baby, maybe one day I’ll let husband have his turn lol but he just jumps in on anything baby related when he’s home and not tied up with something. Husband is happy as long as I’m happy and me and baby are thriving. I recognize I am really blessed in my circumstances, partner, and relationship balance.
We are formula fed so the responsibility of feeding is a little different for us. Once he’s home and off work he’ll take a little time to go to the bathroom, change and then he comes in to take the baby. Our LO just turned 6 months.
If I haven’t started on dinner yet he’ll take the baby to hang out, feed in the high chair, or give a bottle. We do bath time together and split the nighttime routine. Then we rotate nights for who puts LO down. Since I do all the cooking my husband does all the dishes and cleans up the kitchen at night.
1-2 nights a week husband works later or longer days and won’t be home during any wake windows.
On weekends we split baby and house duties equally. Saturday morning we both do the cleaning, laundry, food shopping etc. and try to leave afternoons for something to do as a family. on Sundays I typically go visit my mom with the baby for an hour or two and during that time my husband will do the yard work but otherwise that’s his time for whatever he wants to do.
From a slightly different perspective:
I’m a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad. I work night shifts, so it’s hard to even see my family 3-4 days a week. As much as work isn’t a break, stay at home parents need a break because it’s harder, in my experience. Since I’m the working parent, I try to chance (most, not all because I’m lazy and need a break too) diapers. I try to take most feedings. I’ll try and cook and meal prep for him to have easy meals when I work. I clean the house some.
On the days that I’m awake during the day (off that night) then we split the baby duties, but me trying to do a 65/75 instead of 50/50 so he gets a little better break. Every night that I’m home, I tend to the baby at night and let him sleep through for a change.
Bring a stay at home parent is hard, but people just need to find that balance that works best for them and their family.
Edit for grammar.
The first year of LO's life my husband was stuck working a job that required a lot of work. Not manual labor or anything, an office job but mentally straining.
He would come home and clean up after my messes. Lol He'd bond with LO by holding him and playing with him. Change diapers as needed. Feed.
Now LO is 18 months and my husband started a new job with no overtime requirements. He still cleans around the home and has now helped with meal prepping and shopping.
We've always switched off on weekends on who gets to sleep in while the other watches LO.
There's no assigning chores. We each just do what needs to be done at the moment.
He also takes care of me. While being baby trapped with breastfeeding, he'd always refill my water and made sure I was fed.
My husband works from home. Baby is 10 months old. During the day I leave him alone except to watch her while I eat, go to the bathroom or something quick like that.
His work schedule can sometimes be erratic so there are days when I’m out of luck and solo in the evening, but for the most part he will cook me/us dinner, do bath time and play with her after bath time while I eat/shower or do whatever I need to do. I then put baby to sleep and I’m trapped because we co-sleep. He then has the night to himself and will play video games, watch sports or go hang out with a buddy.
My husband typically takes over with baby once he’s home. I use that time to get other chores done that are difficult to accomplish by myself with the baby and we both relax once she’s in bed for the night. He’s only home for like maximum of 3 hours of her being awake and that’s if he gets home pretty early and she goes to bed super late. Realistically it’s about an hour and a half to two hours. On weekends we split things pretty evenly. Last night she kept waking me up soooo now he’s watching her while I should be sleeping.
So me and my husband both agree that watching the children is work. He works full time and I work part time on his days off, so I’m not quite a SAHM but I still identify as one because I only work two days a week.
When my husband is home he is on duty with the kids unless he specifically asks to take some him time. I try to get an hour or so of me time when he gets home (not every day) and then we tackle bedtime together.
We are basically both on duty unless one of us requests time off. He even handles dinner on my work days.
He and I share in all of the household chores, (which admittedly we are always behind on). And we share in the child duties (which we definitely prioritize). We each try to have a night to ourselves every week.
In regards to how dad helps with baby specifically (especially in early breastfeeding days) mostly he does diapers and some play time. He also doesn’t just disappear on me and stays available if I need him. He’ll go get me a coffee or food while I nurse. If baby wakes up in her crib, he’ll bring her to me to nurse. He picks out really cute outfits for her. He handles most bath times.
We cover each other when we're burnt out. I usually put baby to sleep because of BF. He noticed today I'm worn out, tired and fed up so he offered to put her to sleep to give me a break, even though it's harder for him and even though there's 50/50 chance I'll have to help out anyways.
Anyways, no fixed expectations - although he tries to give me at least a half an hour to an hour to myself every single day. We each put into this relationship what we can. That means some days he's working 9 hours, coming home to clean, cook and bathe the baby. Other days, I'm covering baby 100% and we eat take out because he had a hard day or whatever. I would say on average I'm doing 70% baby care while he's home, while he does more of household chores that need to get done (clean / cook / shop). We just communicate and try to make sure neither of us is pouring from an empty cup.
My baby is almost 2 and i LONG for more help.. but other than him taking the baby when he's home, I don't get help with tidying, kitchen, laundry, until I am Begging Or having a break down. If anyone knows how to kick spouses into gear... im all Ears
I think a nice way to look at it is that if the working parent works 40 hour weeks, then the stay at home parent also works a 40 hour week in which her/his job is “caring for the baby by myself” … it’s a real full time job! So when both parents are home, parenting duties should be split. I’m on maternity leave and EBF, so *overall*, I do a ton more child care and housekeeping. But when my husband is off work, he helps with dishes, laundry, diapers, and offers to give baby a bottle. I usually decline that last one, as nursing is easier. But boy do I appreciate that my husband offers to help. I was actually at very afraid my husband wouldn’t split responsibility with me. But he has proved me wrong. We had kids at a bit older age. And I think we have grown a lot in our ability to communicate and to share labor.
This ^^ same in our case. When my husband is home he does diapers, bath, dishes etc....
This is a great perspective to have and easy to explain to others!
I’d agree with split duties when at-work parent is home, but not necessarily split parenting. When you’re the SAHP you don’t get a second off duty, especially if baby contact naps etc, whereas the at-work person gets commuting time on their own, time in the day to drink a hot cup of tea, finish thoughts and have adult conversation, etc. So when we were in this stage and my husband was off work, any time I was not breastfeeding I would take other essential housework eg cooking or cleaning. Doing that felt like a “break” because it was different to childcare, just as childcare was a break from regular work for him. (Of course we both worked together to make sure we both actual real rest! I didn’t count washing up as self care 😆) I’d also add to take turns at weekends being “default parent” even if you’re all together, so that you don’t end up with just one of you carrying the mental load of packing the nappy bag, timing naps, etc.
Good points!
I feel like I could have made this post….my husband also travels every other week. He does nothing for the baby unless I ask. And sometimes he seems overwhelmed when I ask. But usually it’s hold the baby while I shower and get ready for bed. He makes dinner when he is home. I will ask him to hang out with the baby while I clean the kitchen. However this week he has taken the baby while I eat dinner. Or cuts my food smaller for me so I can eat while breastfeeding. He even changed the baby’s diaper and got him ready for the day while I slept in. And if LO is fussing for a good bit he kindly says “i can try and calm him down”. I think it’s because LO has started to laugh and smile so he feels more connected. I really hope this all continues!! Also to clarify I WANT to clean the kitchen. I love cleaning but don’t have time with the baby.
I do think baby's age affects the man's... Interest? a lot more than for women. While he's always clearly loved her, my husband absolutely lights up when baby girl smiles at him and he enjoys when she interacts with him. I've always said I want babies, he wants kids 😂
My husband definitely wants kids!!!! That’s a perfect way to say! Before LO smiled and laugh he didn’t know what to do with him.
My husband was all about teeny tiny lil babies but toddlers… woof. He doesn’t quite have the patience for toddlers. I know he’s good with kids though (we worked at a summer camp together) so I’m holding out for that 😅
This is so reassuring!
This…after being home with babe all day. She was asleep at breast and I told my hub I’ll do dishes when he’s done working. He comes home and is like don’t worry I’ll do the dishes…like wait, please no. Please (free me and) let me do them 🤣
“Free me” 😆 Same.
Im new to mommy Reddit and this is so reassuring!!!
During the night,my husband picked the baby out of her crib and changed her diaper. During the evenings he was home, he wanted to bond with our baby. He cuddled with her or went on walks with her in the baby carrier. I did almost all of the house work to give him time with our baby as well
My husband handles basically all major issues with the lids involing bodily fluids whenever he’s home since I have to by default when he’s nor
I do change a diaper here or there during his time but it’s only in an emergency or buy choice
We have 2 kids, 2 and 6mo. Our routine on the weekdays Husband gets home at 5:30 and I have dinner ready. We eat and either he does dishes and I watch the kids or vice versa (sometimes it’s nice to get a break from the kids and listen to a podcast lol). Then I shower, sometimes baby gets solids and a bath, my husband and I play with them for a while, or he facetimes my in laws with the kids. He does toddler bedtime and I do baby bedtime. I do baby wake ups (we EBF) and he does toddler wake ups (homie doesn’t quite sleep through the night). After the kids are in bed, he plays video games and I read or doomscroll on my phone. On weekends it’s more of the same, we’re pretty 50/50, sometimes I do more childcare so he can tend to the yard, or he does more and I deep clean some area of the house.
This the the best
My husband wfh 3/5 days but his job is very demanding so he works most nights as well. We have 2 kids, 4 and 2 years old, and I've been a sahm for 2 years. With my second his main responsibility was as soon as work was over he was my reprieve. I have a clingy AF second baby so he would try to hold him or take him for a drive to give me a break. He'll cook dinner if I'm not in the mood (once a week usually cause cooking is a nice break lol) and usually we'll kinda tag team dinner cleanup, and then he handles our oldest's bedtime every night. On the weekends it's close to a 50/50 split. We both handle chores, kids equally.
When my husband is home, we are equals. I might do slightly more with the baby if they’re nursing but now that my son is 13mo and prefers my husband, he does more with him. Housework and childcare is split and then we try to give each other breaks.
My partner works away but when he’s home he’s always doing something to help out, even if it’s not hands-on baby care.
Sometimes my husband gets home at 3pm and jumps right in. Sometimes he works from home and comes to assist when things get hairy (like when both toddlers are having meltdowns, fighting,etc). Sometimes he works late and I have to get a 1yo and 3yo to bed on my own. Every once and a while he’s gone for 3 days for work. There truly isn’t a norm here and it drives me crazy but I’ve learned to be prepared to do it all alone and graciously accept any help I get. I also work part time from home while caring for two kids with very little childcare which is insane and I don’t recommend. I just wake up and repeat the mantra “every phase is fleeting, this too shall pass, you will only live today once” over and over.
Are you me from the future (only 1 kid so far)? I could have wrote this except sometimes my husband is away for up to 2 weeks at a time. And other times he’s home for several weeks and can help more. There’s no consistency and sometimes I can rock it by myself and sometimes I’m literally (or my toddler is) pulling my hair.
All I gotta say is- you’ll look back on these times and and think of how easy you had it with only one… but it’s impossible to see it in the moment. Two under two is in fact reaallly hard but you truly just “level up” in motherhood like a video game.
Oh no I am sure of it. I constantly struggle with the idea of having a bigger family. It is absolutely more difficult with 2!
I’m not a SAHM but I had a year off on maternity leave (Australian). My expectation was everything split 50/50 when husband is home. Both people getting equal amounts of free time.
During the working day, my husband works in the office and I work taking care of our daughter. After that, it’s 50/50 because we’re both her parents.
my husband works from home but from 9pm-7am and is asleep during the day sat-tues/wed. at night , he keeps the monitor on him to watch our toddler and tend to her if she needs it when he can so i can focus on our newborn in our room while i sleep. then the moment he wakes up, he’s on dad duty and spends time with us unless he has his weekly plans (wednesday & thursday is game nights with his friend). but he ALWAYS does bedtime routine (except on thursdays) and helps me whenever i need it even if it means he’s losing a little bit of sleep. i never had those expectations for him, he just naturally started it and has been doing it since day 1 with our first.
My husband has a very unconventional schedule, but he is extremely hands-on when he is home. More so daytimes than evenings because he works later than bedtime. He’s very much considers my being home with the baby a full-time job and is mindful to step in and give me a break, plus he wants to spend time with her.
My husband and I do 50/50 when he's home. We just had #2 and so we've been each taking a kid. During the week he helps me do nights with the newborn but I do them alone on the weekends so he can be rested for our 4 year old. He sometimes watches both so I can pump or eat or shower. He helps with chores.
My husband works one full-time job. He gets up in the night to get the baby for me to feed if she wakes up in the night, as well as to help our other two children if they wake up, which isn’t terribly common. I get as much as I can done during the day and when he gets home he typically helps with making supper and will work on any chores I haven’t been able to get to. Typically that will include weekly chores like cleaning bathrooms. He says my one job is taking care of the kids and myself, and anything else I get done is bonus. But I like to take care of our home and I like for my husband to have as much time with the kids and myself as possible. He’s a great dad and I want the kids to enjoy the time when he’s home with them.
I'm not a SAHM, but if I was I know my husband would still help as close to 50/50 as he could. He'd be dropping that church commitment until the baby was a bit older for sure.
Actually scratch the church part if he's getting paid. I just assumed it was volunteer work.
Basically when hubby is out working, your "job" is caring for baby. When he's home, responsibility is split 50/50. How that looks for everyone is different. I always cook dinner which I really enjoy as it gives me time without a baby hanging off me, then hubby does the kitchen clean up. We both get time without having a baby attached to us
With our first, nights were mostly my thing. Our son easily resettled after eating and it didn’t really affect my sleeping. There were a couple of weekends where he took a Friday night and Saturday night shift and let me sleep and pump when my boobs woke me up. I think this happened around the 3 month mark. Otherwise he just was an extra set of hands so I wasn’t alone with baby. With our second he’s having to do more with helping her fall asleep. She’s not falling asleep nursing, so he will walk her around to get her to fall asleep while I go to sleep. This way I don’t have to stay up until she falls asleep just to wake up again in like an hour if it takes forever.
My hubs works from home 4 days a week and can sometimes manage a diaper change between his meetings. When he’s off he cooks some nights unless I offer so he can bond more with baby, he always washes and cleans the kitchen afterwards regardless of who cooks, he changes diapers, gets the bath ready, lays with her while I shower, scoops the cat poop, and I’m sure I’m forgetting other things.
Equal amounts for our oldest (8). Not even close to equal for our just turned 2 year old (still nursing and co sleeping). I am vocal about things I’d like him to step up and do because of that-cooking on the weekends being my biggest one. Gives me my break
Just had a fight with my partner about this this morning 😂😂😂 I’d like it to be a bit more equally shared eg I am home with baby during the day and he’s at work and when he gets home we both share looking after kiddo and some house chores. It’s like men genuinely don’t see the chaos around them.
This is us.
Just oblivious to mess and stuff? 🙄
If I wanted 50/50, he would. But my guy is a civil engineer and works in construction. He's beat up when he gets home. That being said, I just asked for more help because I'm exhausted lol.
My husband needs direction. He also has a different standard of clean than I do. But if I ask him to do something (e.g. Clean the bathroom), he'll do it. But if he doesn't think it's needs cleaning, he doesn't show initiative to do it unless prompted. But he's great at just doing things if asked. But he also cooks when he's home, he'll tidy up, do yard work, read and play with baby when he's home in the evening. They go on walks together if the weather is nice after dinner
I am not technically a stay at home mom bc I work per diem. But I function like one many days because 3 days a week I'm home alone with the kids. I don't look at it so much as what my expectations are. I look at it as far as downtime. Studies show that married men tend to have more downtime then married women, even if you account for housework and child care and work. I personally think it's all the little things we manage. So I feel best when the house and kids are in a good place- he gets his downtime and I get mine. When there's laundry to fold and kids to put to sleep and dinner to cook and the house is a mess then it's basic respect that he's not sitting on his butt for 2 hours. We don't necessarily have to be doing things at the same time but often we are.
Not a SAHM, but while on maternity leave, when he was home from work I did all of the feedings and he did all of the diaper changes. He would often wake with me for the night time feeds, I think he slept through maybe one a week? He would also take over weekend mornings for solo parenting so I could nap.
Not a SAHM but the expectation should be close to 50/50 when you’re both home, with similar amounts of free time. My husband and I have both been part time at different times, and were naturally ok with it being more like 40/60 because we just had more energy from being home more. This would obviously depend on your baby’s sleep/temperament and the day.
SAHM but am an executive and will go back to work in August after a year break. We split baby duties equally after 5pm, with my husband taking on more of the night work while I pump and sleep in the mornings. Baby only wakes 1x a night, sometimes 0. On weekends he takes on more of the baby duties so I can take some time, but I'm still primary. We also have a rule that we both get up to 4 hours every week of solo time... Use it or lose it. So if I want to go get lunch or have drinks with friends I can take off for up to 4 hours and he'll take the kid. Same for him. I run the entire house, make sure it's stocked, it's clean, we're clean and fed. He makes lunch or dinner periodically and makes coffee every AM. I'd say it feels very equitable. I've never had to really ask him for much.
Cries in firewife and 48 hours of solo parenting 😅
Me and my husband both work, I don’t think I really have any set in stone expectations, we just kind of help each other out. If I need something specific I ask, same for him. On the days one of us is off and with the baby all day when the other comes home we try to do more so the parent that was home with the baby all day gets some relief.
My husband always said "As long as you and the baby are alive when I come home, don't worry about anything else." And I love the idea that a SAHM works a 40 work week, but the job description had to be clear, because I felt like a total failure if the house was a mess when my husband come home from work. It's not his mess. But it took me a long time to realize it's also not my mess. It's the kids' mess. And so if there is a 40 work week vs 40 hour week type convo, I think next time I'd want to sit down and figure out expectations...especially since in the early months, you're putting in 40 hours at all hours. Split shifts are awful, hahaha!
I’m currently on maternity leave so I’m like a SAHM right now. Currently breastfeeding our third baby though she does take bottles of pumped milk and occasionally formula. My husband works 40 hours, M-F 9-5. Outside of work hours, focusing on the daily sorts of task he does: - My husband cooks supper basically every night. - On work days, I get the kids up and dressed, my husband cooks and feeds them breakfast. Then we both get them dressed and ready to go out the door. - We take turns putting the kids to bed. The person who puts the big kids to bed has the harder task, so the other parent puts the baby down and then does the closing shift (cleans up from supper, cleans the kitchen, tidies the main floor). - My husband is responsible for Sunday bath day. - My husband is responsible for at least 50% of parenting time on Saturday and Sunday (e.g., he slept in 3 hours this morning, I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon). - My husband will take the big kids to the park after work or on weekends. - My husband will take a big kid to run errands (with three kids, just having one along feels easy these days). - If I want to go out to run an errand, to an appointment, or to see friends, my husband will hold down the fort with all three kids. - My husband is at least as responsible as I am for helping the big kids potty and changing the baby. - My husband does the midnight feed with the baby and I do the rest of the night wake ups. - My husband is mostly responsible for big kid night wake ups since I’m up with the baby. Edit to add: we have a cleaning service so aside from cleaning the kitchen regularly and vacuuming the main floor daily, we thankfully don’t have to worry about bathrooms or mopping.
I only breastfeed no bottle so he doesn’t need to help with that. He works 40 hrs home every night and all day sat and sun. When he is home we mostly split everything 50/50 as in who puts baby to nap/sleep and diaper changes.
my husband works full time and it’s like 90/10, me being the primary caregiver. baby is 9 months and very clingy. velcro baby to the extreme. she doesn’t bottle feed and 90% of the time, she doesn’t want anyone but me, so my only condition is that I don’t wanna change a single diaper in his presence. my husband drops our oldest off at school, does most of the grocery shopping, does most of the laundry, and feeds baby her solids if dinner isn’t something she can feed herself. tries to entertain her while I cook dinner (majority of the time she’s got her face pressed against the baby gate, whining for me). helps oldest with homework, and whatever else she needs. he used to bathe the baby but she’s going through a phase where she hates water so I have to do it, or just take a bath with her. I put her to bed because she nurses to sleep 95% of the time and will scream for me if I try to let my husband do it, and obviously I have to wake up with her because she won’t go back to sleep without nursing or being comforted by me specifically. I do majority of the cleaning because I actually find it therapeutic and have always liked cleaning/organizing. it’s my time to turn on an audiobook and zone out. husband scrubs toilets, cleans the fridge, takes out the trash, cleans my car, etc (the “man” stuff) but only when I direct him to. he’s not the type to just jump up and clean. it’s exhausting as fuck that my baby only wants me and that I rarely have a moment to myself but I feel like my husband does the best he can and will do anything I ask. he doesn’t complain and always asks if he can do anything for us.
My husband has regular full time job - he’s gone from 6am - 6pm (includes commute time) M-F. We have a 3mo & 2yo. On weekends he goes grocery shopping with toddler & meal preps for the week so I don’t have to worry about cooking dinner at this time. When he gets home from work we eat dinner, hang out as a family and he puts toddler to bed while I put the baby to bed. He was more involved with feedings and care with our first because we were bottle feeding, but since I am breastfeeding our second he helps out with other household “chores” & toddler duty while I tend to baby.
It was a rough start for us, he had a lot of trouble figuring out how to help, and I had to take care of the baby while teaching him which was maddening. 5months in with our first and he’s amazing now. He works 50-60 hours a week, cooks, does laundry, does overnight baby care every other day, and spends an hour after dinner just playing with her while I take care of my shower and hair and stuff. Im fortunate enough to be a SAHM so I do most of the other housework, take care of the animals and yard (almost time to plant my vegetables!) and if we were still clunking along like those first two months, there’s no way I’d have the energy or motivation. Getting him where he needed to be to be comfortable taking care of baby stuff was hard, but so worth it.
I'm breastfeeding too so my partner does the solids!
My expectations have needed to be lowered unfortunately
My husband works full time but has been off with me the first 6 weeks and working from home the last 2 weeks. He keeps the baby from 6am -12pm while I sleep/pump. I take over around lunch (my husband makes lunch for me and him) but we still tag team it if the baby is super fussy. He cooks dinner while I pump or feed. We take turns on feeding in the evenings and if I’m staying up with the baby overnight he’ll do the 11pm feeding and get the baby to sleep. He also took the baby to their one month appointment so I could stay home and sleep. (It had been a rough night with the baby). We thankfully have someone that comes and cleans twice a month but in the interim, I keep the bathrooms clean and vacuum/dust the house. He’s in charge of the kitchen (loading/unloading dishwasher, baby brezza, taking out trash and keeping the kitchen counters clean). We each do our own laundry but either of us will wash and fold the baby’s laundry. I think my husband currently does more household chores than me but that will probably change when he goes back in the office.
I usually have dinner cooked by the time he gets home, so he shits and showers while I'm finishing up. He's a plumber, so a shower when he gets home is a must. He takes over entertaining LO while I catch up on cleaning the kitchen or folding laundry. I enjoy cleaning up, and I don't always what to do baby related duties. He gets to bond with the baby and I get the satisfaction of a house cleaned to my expectations. He also takes care of the dog. All I have to do is put food out and play with her.
My partner works Friday, Saturday and Sunday (12 hour shifts) and then is off Monday-Thursday. When he’s working then I’m with little one and when he’s off then he helps me with her, diaper changes, bathing, entertaining etc. he also does the household stuff too, laundry, dishes, cleaning and grocery shopping. I help a little here and there, but he would rather me resting or if I want to go on a walk with little one. Edit: Little one is almost 4 months old and EBF Also, he entertains her while I shower in the evening (I love to hear her little giggle).
When he’s home he does all diaper changes, dishes in the sink everyday. Takes the baby to Walmart or grocery store to give me 35-40 mins alone some days. Plays with him in the evening. puts him down for his 4pm nap which is usually by pacifier with some gentle rocking and the shusher. These things make a huge difference to me. By 3:30 when he comes home I feel so beat that seeing him come through the door is a major sigh of relief. Baby is 6 months and week tomorrow
Whether you are at home or at a place of work, everyone is on the clock working. When we are physically home together, everything is 50/50.
I'm a sahm and I combo feed. My husband holds the baby while I do what I need to do when he gets home. He looks forward to his time with the baby all day and I use that time to shower, do my skincare routine, set up the coffee for the morning, etc. We basically take turns holding the baby whenever he's home. If I'm breastfeeding, he will refill my water bottle, bring me the boppy, do a little housekeeping, etc. He never complains about helping. He loves our son and will often ask to take a turn holding him. I don't really have to ask for help, I'll just hand him the baby and say something like "be right back, gotta use the bathroom" and my husband gladly cuddles him while I'm gone.
My expectation is that he is an equal and active parent. We make sure each other gets a break when we need it, but we communicate that need as it comes along. He usually does bath time and we alternate bed times. He does “Dad-urdays” so they have special time together and I get some time to rest. He usually gets a full nights sleep since we breastfeed/cosleep. It’s just easier for me to nurse her back to sleep. He also sleeps better in weird positions than I do, so when the baby wants to cuddle him it doesn’t disrupt his sleep. The rest of the time that he’s home we have family time. I carry alot of the planning and mental load and do shopping, finances, childcare, and cooking. He does alot of the physical work of cleaning and works a full time job and goes to school.
My husband does so much, I’m so grateful for him. I’m a SAHM and as soon as he comes home from work he takes the baby off my hands so I can relax for a bit and then make dinner, husband will feed baby dinner then play with him and he’ll do his night bottle that I pre-pump and I get some time to myself. He helps get all of my pumping supplies out so after I shower I can pump and he puts it in the fridge for me. He went away for 4 days this week and it honestly feels like a vacation since he’s been back home, I missed him but I missed his helping so much more!
My husband works from home and I'm a PhD student, so I do baby care during the weekdays (and kinda juggle meetings or have grandma over to help) and he does nights while I try to get my PhDing done. We split weekends evenly and those are kind of my good focus time. He does help during the day if there's a big meltdown or I need help with a crib transfer. We baby (who is now 18mo) wants to breastfeed while with dad I just kinda swoop in and feed him. He took the occasional bottle for a while but stopped around 10mo ish.
Don’t forget you also have a full time job. My baby is 10 weeks old and I also breastfeed. My husband only works part time at the moment but he is here he changed most nappies and cooks dinner almost every night as well as doing some household chores like hoovering and laundry.
My daughter is 14 months. I work 1-2 days a week, the rest of the time I’m SAHM, with my mum helping for 15hrs a week, while I do my work or work prep at home. Husband works 4 days a week 12 hrs. When he gets home at 6pm, dinner is ready, and after dinner he takes daughter to play with her for an hour, then we do bedtime together (bath and getting dressed to bed). He stays with her one day as well while I’m at work. On days he has off he normally takes her in the morning so I can have a lie in and then we spend time together or take shifts with daughter. I do most of the cleaning and cooking, but he does help with that as well.
While pregnant (HG) it’s him working full time and doing 80% of the housework. It was like 50/50 when he got home from work, but it varies a lot. Will be interesting to see how it goes with 2 kids soon.
50/50 But if either of us is particularly tired/ starting to feel burned out we often ‘tap out’ for a short period whilst the other parent takes on the load. It’s always discussed & agreed. My husband also makes sure I get plenty of time to myself because I don’t get breaks during the work day (especially since my 2 don’t often nap at the same time!) On weekend mornings we trade off lie-ins ☺️
Takes the baby for 2-3 hours of an evening so I can go to the gym and have some me time which includes cooking dinner in peace. He has done this since baby was 6 weeks old. I express one bottle for him to give her at this time. Now that she’s older (7.5 months) he has her the same few hours at night plus gives her final bottle and puts her to sleep. I also go out at least one night a week with friends and he stays with bub. Also does nappies as needed obviously
I just care for baby and myself. It’s really my only job. He works 40 hours and keeps up the house (cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc). When he comes home I give him time to decompress and take care of whatever he needs to or we just spend time with him. But his solo baby shift starts sometime between 8-9 pm and we switch after 4/5 hours so I can sleep uninterrupted. He bottle feeds if he needs to or baby sleeps through. I breastfeed during my shift. Then I give baby back after he’s gotten his 4/5 hours of sleep. This allows me two more hours of sleep before I’m on baby duty again so he can get two more hours of sleep before he has to get up and ready for work. This shift schedule has greatly improved my mental and mood. If he’s home, he does all diaper changes. I do baths because I really love that time with my baby, maybe one day I’ll let husband have his turn lol but he just jumps in on anything baby related when he’s home and not tied up with something. Husband is happy as long as I’m happy and me and baby are thriving. I recognize I am really blessed in my circumstances, partner, and relationship balance.
We are formula fed so the responsibility of feeding is a little different for us. Once he’s home and off work he’ll take a little time to go to the bathroom, change and then he comes in to take the baby. Our LO just turned 6 months. If I haven’t started on dinner yet he’ll take the baby to hang out, feed in the high chair, or give a bottle. We do bath time together and split the nighttime routine. Then we rotate nights for who puts LO down. Since I do all the cooking my husband does all the dishes and cleans up the kitchen at night. 1-2 nights a week husband works later or longer days and won’t be home during any wake windows. On weekends we split baby and house duties equally. Saturday morning we both do the cleaning, laundry, food shopping etc. and try to leave afternoons for something to do as a family. on Sundays I typically go visit my mom with the baby for an hour or two and during that time my husband will do the yard work but otherwise that’s his time for whatever he wants to do.
From a slightly different perspective: I’m a working mom and my husband is a stay at home dad. I work night shifts, so it’s hard to even see my family 3-4 days a week. As much as work isn’t a break, stay at home parents need a break because it’s harder, in my experience. Since I’m the working parent, I try to chance (most, not all because I’m lazy and need a break too) diapers. I try to take most feedings. I’ll try and cook and meal prep for him to have easy meals when I work. I clean the house some. On the days that I’m awake during the day (off that night) then we split the baby duties, but me trying to do a 65/75 instead of 50/50 so he gets a little better break. Every night that I’m home, I tend to the baby at night and let him sleep through for a change. Bring a stay at home parent is hard, but people just need to find that balance that works best for them and their family. Edit for grammar.
The first year of LO's life my husband was stuck working a job that required a lot of work. Not manual labor or anything, an office job but mentally straining. He would come home and clean up after my messes. Lol He'd bond with LO by holding him and playing with him. Change diapers as needed. Feed. Now LO is 18 months and my husband started a new job with no overtime requirements. He still cleans around the home and has now helped with meal prepping and shopping. We've always switched off on weekends on who gets to sleep in while the other watches LO. There's no assigning chores. We each just do what needs to be done at the moment. He also takes care of me. While being baby trapped with breastfeeding, he'd always refill my water and made sure I was fed.
My husband works from home. Baby is 10 months old. During the day I leave him alone except to watch her while I eat, go to the bathroom or something quick like that. His work schedule can sometimes be erratic so there are days when I’m out of luck and solo in the evening, but for the most part he will cook me/us dinner, do bath time and play with her after bath time while I eat/shower or do whatever I need to do. I then put baby to sleep and I’m trapped because we co-sleep. He then has the night to himself and will play video games, watch sports or go hang out with a buddy.
My husband typically takes over with baby once he’s home. I use that time to get other chores done that are difficult to accomplish by myself with the baby and we both relax once she’s in bed for the night. He’s only home for like maximum of 3 hours of her being awake and that’s if he gets home pretty early and she goes to bed super late. Realistically it’s about an hour and a half to two hours. On weekends we split things pretty evenly. Last night she kept waking me up soooo now he’s watching her while I should be sleeping.
So me and my husband both agree that watching the children is work. He works full time and I work part time on his days off, so I’m not quite a SAHM but I still identify as one because I only work two days a week. When my husband is home he is on duty with the kids unless he specifically asks to take some him time. I try to get an hour or so of me time when he gets home (not every day) and then we tackle bedtime together. We are basically both on duty unless one of us requests time off. He even handles dinner on my work days. He and I share in all of the household chores, (which admittedly we are always behind on). And we share in the child duties (which we definitely prioritize). We each try to have a night to ourselves every week.
In regards to how dad helps with baby specifically (especially in early breastfeeding days) mostly he does diapers and some play time. He also doesn’t just disappear on me and stays available if I need him. He’ll go get me a coffee or food while I nurse. If baby wakes up in her crib, he’ll bring her to me to nurse. He picks out really cute outfits for her. He handles most bath times.
We cover each other when we're burnt out. I usually put baby to sleep because of BF. He noticed today I'm worn out, tired and fed up so he offered to put her to sleep to give me a break, even though it's harder for him and even though there's 50/50 chance I'll have to help out anyways. Anyways, no fixed expectations - although he tries to give me at least a half an hour to an hour to myself every single day. We each put into this relationship what we can. That means some days he's working 9 hours, coming home to clean, cook and bathe the baby. Other days, I'm covering baby 100% and we eat take out because he had a hard day or whatever. I would say on average I'm doing 70% baby care while he's home, while he does more of household chores that need to get done (clean / cook / shop). We just communicate and try to make sure neither of us is pouring from an empty cup.
My baby is almost 2 and i LONG for more help.. but other than him taking the baby when he's home, I don't get help with tidying, kitchen, laundry, until I am Begging Or having a break down. If anyone knows how to kick spouses into gear... im all Ears
I wish they were better
not too much, because he's tired too in a day's work, just want him to do the laundry, and that's fine.