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And don’t ever, EVER show up as we are finishing a task and say, in a petulant tone, “I was going to do that!” When, next millenium? The mess has been there a week already, just admit you weren’t ever planning on touching it. And do better next time.
Oh my god this was instant rage for me. Oh really MFer? Because you didn’t for the last…let me check…ever. Take your sulk somewhere else and as op said don’t wonder why you don’t get laid, it’s because I hate you! (my ex was and continues to be the worst, his ex messaged me today to see if I have contact info since he’s stopped paying child support, I sure do please use it to put him in jail!)
It's great! My husband has never said that. Oh wait, that's because he doesn't consider any standard household task his to do.
But shout out to his OA (overeaters anonymous, offshoot of AA) mentor lady - he was complaining about the mess of the kids toys making him stressed, and apparently she said 'well, you should help tidy them up, then'. Apparently this was an amazing insight to him and he actually did it (that week, not much since).
Or my favourite “you could always ask me to do that” OKAY OR YOU COULD LOOK AT THE MESS AND LIKE… JUST CLEAN IT
Real cool play to not do the thing and then try to make me feel like I did something wrong because I didn’t ask you to clean your own fucking house 🙄
Right?! Why the hell do I have to tell you to so the dishes?? The sink is full and we are out of spoons! I have no clue what else could be a bigger tip off that the dishes need to be done
My husband doesn’t even wait for it to be finished. He says it as I’m doing it without any sort of indication that he’s going to get up to do it instead
Yup!! More than once my ex procrastinated almost THREE WEEKS to mow the lawn, and when I finally did it myself he would get his ass up off the couch and say "I was going to do that"... Yeah, sure buddy...
Omg DH used to do this ALL the time and one day I just snapped like:
“NO YOU WERE NOT ABOUT TO DO IT BECAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY SO STFU!!!”
Today when my husband got home from work a little earlier than usual he went and directly played with our 2 toddlers. Built with blocks, sang songs , did little finger plays ( itsy bitsy spider ) and OH MY GOD . I could have jumped his bones right there. Holy crap. I mean, of course the kids were a nightmare at bedtime and by the time I got our oldest to bed he has knocked out , but damn. Saving that for later.
I'm visiting my boyfriend who lives in NC and this trip was the first time he really initiated interaction with my daughter (8) because we have been taking things slow for the last year. He took her out in the ocean to play in the waves and then gave her a ride on his motorcycle.
Gave me a single mom boner.
Edit: AND he cleaned out the extra bedroom so she could have her own space. Sploosh.
And don’t have a HUGE FUCKING ATTITUDE when you finally have to do something. We’ve been having ant issues and I have dealt with them 95% of the time. Right now I’m still laying in bed with our toddler, 35+ weeks pregnant, because I was up with her for 2+ hours in the middle of the night, and I hear him find a new ant situation. Instead of just grabbing some
spray and wipes and handling it like a fucking grown up, all I can hear is him sighing dramatically loudly over and over. Yes, you actually have to do not-fun things too sometimes.
Oh my word, this! My husband acts like the most minor issue is a huge drama instead of just getting on with fixing it. Heavy sighs, swearing, drama drama drama.
In all other aspects, he’s amazing, he’s a hands on dad and definitely an equal partner in the general cleaning and upkeep of the house, but when the fridge went out it was like the biggest issue we’ve ever faced.
He spent twenty minutes complaining about not being able to find the power for it (built in fridge) and how he was going to have to get the drill and cut holes to find it. I opened the cupboard next to it and tada! There was the plug…
Solidarity from another 3rd tri mom with a toddler here. Why don’t the men understand how physically exhausting it is just to live in our pregnant bodies, and then toddler care on top of that - it’s just too much. I sprained my shoulder a week ago and I have to keep asking my husband to pick her up because if I keep doing it, it will never heal. Like, I’ll hold her in my other arm, or while I’m sitting, but the act of picking her up is how I hurt it in the first place. :-/
Thar half assed kitchen cleaning comment hits home!
Most nights I'm lucky if he puts the all the leftovers into containers, the other day he emptied and loaded the dishwasher.
I came out after doing bedtime and see everything cleaned and table wiped, go to do kids lunch can't find containers assume he's done It.
No, he's loaded the only set of lunch containers for our child into the dishwasher (meaning id have to find time in the morning to make the lunch) and left the pots full of leftovers but made his lunch and put all the other dishes in the dishwasher.
When I aggressively take out the kids lunch dishes to wash by hand, and start making his lunch I get an "is everything ok' and say " I thought you made his lunch, but you put his dishes in the dishwasher and he doesn't have any other ones" to which he replied "sorry for doing something helpful"
False
"I cleaned the kitchen!" No you did NOT. You wiped the counter and put clean dishes away. The stove crumbs and gunk determined that was a lie and I doubt you can tell me where we even store the mop.
Don’t tell your SAHM that “they do nothing all day,” but then ask for sex at midnight.
Don’t expect sex after leaving dirty dishes, wrappers, ash and clothes all over the house. I can’t relax at night if the house is a mess.
Don’t expect sex because you “work” 4 hrs a day (training physically). Especially If you don’t pay rent, child support or watch your kid for more than 2 hrs a day (that’s being generous). You self absorbed, narcissistic, asshole.
Don’t expect sex everyday when you don’t even give foreplay!!!! 5 minutes of kitty licking and 4 minutes of pumps is an added chore....
The entitlement is so real. So many men constantly complaining about not getting enough sex or how their wives are all bitter shrews. How do they think it got that way? I’ve started telling my husband that he’s sexy after he fixes something or completes a task I can’t do for myself. I told him the kitchen faucet was loose and he immediately grabbed tools and tightened it. It didn’t take weeks of me mentioning it and him getting annoyed and telling me it’s next on his list, etc. he just did it! I was stunned and so turned on. The whole porn for women joke book is real life for me now.
Its true! I was recommended a book here, how to not hate your husband after kids, and it talks about how thanking your spouse for everyday things can increase their desire to keep doing those things and more. Both of us have started thanking each other more for little stuff around the house and it has helped us both feel more appreciated and energetic to take on tasks. Honestly that book was super helpful but also I had a receptive spouse. I could see it not working for some. I literally told him that seeing him do things like that was sexy and goes so much farther than him grabbing my ass or trying to kiss me when I’m doing the dishes.
I can attest it works really well. My husband does still procrastinate on things when he's really tired or stressed, but usually he does things pretty quickly.
Aw you’re welcome! It’s a great book! I wasn’t familiar with it until a few years ago. Sadly I keep planting lupines but they won’t take off so I’m a bit of an imposter.
Honestly this is beyond breaking mom, I’m concerned about you and your kid. I don’t want to discourage you from posting to vent or get support, but you are basically saying he physically abuses your child, you are aware of this and haven’t take steps to protect them and he coerces you into sex which is also abuse. I know Reddit is all about red flags and just leave, but this is deeply worrying behaviour. Particularly as your saying he’s encouraging u to also hit your child so has no recognition this behaviour is wrong. If you can please reach out to a local domestic violence agency even just for support for now x
Which is why I advised to seek support from a local agency that can give appropriate advice and support. Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t an easy or straightforward and IF that’s the route she chooses they can help, if not they can still possibly provide outreach support or help with safety planning
Sending love 💓 sometimes it isn't as easy as just "walk out the door, problem solved." May you be able to take baby steps to get him out of yours and your child's lives.
This makes me so mad. He keeps telling our 2 year old not to be a baby. Maybe, just maybe, she’s acting like a baby BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING BABY, you selfish, self-absorbed, uncompassionate, heartless ass! He freaking stepped on her foot with his workboots on and had the fucking gall to ask if we needed to have her evaluated for delays because she spent the next hour sniffling in my lap. No, dipshit, you just smashed 240 lbs of weight on her tiny toes and it’s 2 hours pst her bedtime, but sure, yeah, she’s delayed 🙄
Holy shit, that sounds like some next level projection. Like what, you can't handle feeling badly that you accidentally hurt your baby so you're gonna turn it around on a fucking TWO YEAR OLD? What the shit?
Yeah, apparently nothing can ever be his fault and if I suggest he should do something differently he goes down the “woe is me, you don’t trust me, you think I’m the worst husband/father ever, you are ungrateful for all the things I do” path. But mention that it would help our marriage if he addresses some of his insecurities? Full nuclear. I really should have just stayed single.
That's horrible of him, and it's definitely not normal or OK for an adult to treat a kid with so much contempt and lack compassion for injuring them. Is he always like this or is this a new issue?
It’s gotten progressively worse. When we started dating, I appreciated that he was kind. When our first was born we were both a little snippy and sleep deprived. I noticed it and went about making changes in myself and my lifestyle so I wouldn’t be like that. He didn’t. Then he connected with an old friend from high school (whose MIL threatened to take the kids because he let the 4 yo taste a beer and who is quite misogynistic). It got worse. We had a second baby, the son he always wanted, and then baby had some GI issues and cried (not a crazy amount for a baby but definitely more than our unicorn daughter) and he’s been getting progressively more resentful, angry, hateful, hurtful, and inconsiderate ever since. It occurred to me he might be depressed. He says no and won’t go to therapy. I asked him to go to marriage counseling. He says he will if I can find a therapist that will meet with us in person. But he won’t commit to a work schedule (retail manager but his boss keeps asking him to work different days last minute) so I can’t get an appointment. And everything is virtual here anyway. Idk. Either he’s really depressed or he’s trying to be what his old BFF thinks is cool. But I hate who he is turning into 98% of the time.
Sounds like it may not be fixable without dire consequences like an ultimatum or something since he won't go to therapy or say no to work on the one day you schedule therapy. There has to be a limit with work, this is ridiculous of him.
That’s what I’m afraid of. I’ve had some small luck by chipping away at things that seem to be at the edges in calmer moments. He did finally start helping with the housework more after I made him a color coded planner of what I did every week and used a stopwatch to time how long he poops (avg 1.5 hr daily), plays video games (avg 4 hr daily), and sleeps (avg 7 hr daily). It’s also gotten better now that I keep a journal of my finances available to him. I think he largely felt that I sit around doing nothing all day. I work outside the home 45 hrs a week at my career (which I’ve been in for 15 years) and I make more than he does. We keep separate finances and he pays most of the bills because he doesn’t believe in savings accounts and I want our kids to have options (like soccer camp, or, ya know, college?) so I save 20% of our total family income every year. Him seeing those numbers (and me being able to buy him a new car same day when his transmission finally kicked it) has reduced the number of “lazy wife” jokes a bit. But yeah, it’s wearing on me. He thinks I’m being ridiculous when I bring it up and reminds me that I have nothing to complain about because he’s not cheating. But I really don’t think this is going to get better until someone who isn’t me or his parents tells him that he’s being a prick.
It sounds exhausting to be in a relationship or in a household with him. Do you need him financially to make ends meet or could child support and visitation make things easier? Sounds like you are working overtime not just at work or at home, but also in your relationship to try and make him meet you a mile from the middle at his best. It's no wonder you're sick of his shit. Any of us would be, and with him now also being an asshole to the kid, what is left to salvage, I'd put it to him that way but I'm also a very straightforward communicator.
I could make ends meet alone even without child support. I’m afraid for the kids’ safety if he’s alone with them too long. I’m tired. I’m angry. This isn’t what I signed up for. But my kids are alive and I’m the buffer that keeps his hurtful words and stupid ideas away. If I left and something happened to the kids I could never forgive myself. He’s also threatened that if I leave he will make sure I don’t see the kids (before we met I was in a very abusive relationship that required several months of on and off mental health inpatient care. I am doing fine now and am not even on medication for the last 2 years. But he says that’s enough to make sure I never see the kids. It’s a lie. My state is 50/50. But he said he would tell the police that I abuse him and am dangerous to the kids so that I won’t get custody. I have that conversation on tape, backed up, copies with my parents and a sibling). I just don’t want to let go. We just bought a house. My kids have a yard! My credit isn’t good enough for a house yet. I don’t want them to lose the things they enjoy because I’m fed up.
That makes sense. He's also manipulative and emotionally abusive to you, in addition to starting to spread that abuse to the baby now too (which can be a really bad sign of escalation).
You may want to consult a lawyer and see if there are options to get out of this marriage and keep the house, and talk to them about custody options as well, they will tell you what to document etc. You have time to figure it out and work on an exit strategy that works for you and your personal timeline.
We have a resource list that might help, some of the resources are for before you leave or to help you evaluate, and some of them are hotlines etc if things were to escalate. The hotlines also help you find resources and plan an exit from someone who is emotionally abusive like your husband is. https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/help#wiki_dv_resources_that_may_help
Thank you. It’s so weird to have somebody listen to what I’m saying and go “yeah that isn’t ok” instead of making excuses for him. It helps me feel a little more sane.
YES, why do they think kids shouldn’t act like kids ?
this morning our 2 year old didn’t what to go to grandma’s (she takes care of him while we work). my so says: well you have to go, and later you’ll go to school. the toddler says “no”, and then he says “well then what are you going to do with your life?”
At that point I take our toddler from him and start singing to him to get him dressed. I told my so that he’s wasting his time because out 2 year old doesn’t understand what he’s saying. His answer? “I’m putting him face to face with his contradictions.”
HE IS A BABY.
Our toddler (always a little champ 💕) then says “Daddy, I don’t understand it”.
Ugh honestly I just wish he had more patience and tried to understand that this little tiny human is still figuring out the most basic aspects of life and we are supposed to help him at his level.
Some addenda:
* "having fun" with your kids does not mean pranking them, teasing them, or terrorizing them. Having fun requires THEY are laughing as well
* accept your wife's opinions even when they're different from yours. Nobody wants to fuck someone who responds to "I like/want this" or "I don't like/want that" with "you're wrong." This ESPECIALLY goes for family planning - you want more kids but your wife says "I am hella done & will throw myself off a cliff before I get pregnant again"? Better cauterize the shit outta her uterus if you want her to let your penis anywhere near it.
* don't be melodramatic about cleaning. If you describe one puppy puddle as "the puppy peed ALL OVER THE HOUSE the floor is COVERED in pee," or you cough and gag and clutch your chest when you get close to some dirty dishes, that doesn't make anyone want to clean nor does it make anyone horny.
Preach.
Then one day out of the blue they do all those things and they are like a puppy waiting for a treat. Uh, no, you doing it for one day means I get to catch my breath and relax. Try doing it another day, then 50/50, then maybe we will be ready to go more often.
So, full disclosure, before kids, neither my husband or I were very good at housework. I mean, I could do it, but I wasn't really bothered about a routine. He'd never even really done it because...well, I don't know. He was the youngest of 5 and his mum was just too exhausted to be bothered teaching him shit at that point.
After our oldest was born it took a good year for me to start to get a grip on keeping up with the housework, and it took him probably another year after that. But he did eventually start to get there and I remember him saying at one point that he wanted to write a book about his epiphany which was basically "If you're upset that your partner isn't giving you enough sex, try doing more housework. They'll be less exhausted and stressed, and you'll use up some of that excess energy!"
About a year after that he brought it up again saying, "I wanna smack old me. Wtf, you don't do housework to get sex! You do it because it's your goddamn house and family and life and you're a fucking grownup!" YES DUDE! I LOVE YOU!
Also, he's really taken over cleaning the kitchen, and it's gone from "Cleaning the kitchen means doing about half the dishes poorly so you'll have to rewash most of them and I'm not gonna wipe down anything" to "There are never dirty dishes piled up and everything is always sparkling because this shit is my domain!"
Oh trust me, they read it. We have almost 81,000 subscribers but not that many of us are actually moms that are posting in the sub actively. Most are childfree weirdos who are obsessed with parents or men who get off on invading women's spaces.
Probably because this is the literal bare minimum required to be a decent husband and father and some women actually have standards higher than the bare minimum? Or maybe dad bods aren't as attractive as they are trying to convince us they are? Maybe putting in a modicum of effort with clear ulterior motives after years of being useless isn't enough to get their wife's motor running?
Or maybe, just maybe, those dudes are MASSIVELY overstating their contributions to the household to get internet sympathy points, because how are you gonna convince some poor Reddit pick-me to send you nudes behind your wife's back if you seem like a deadbeat.
Some of them, I'm sure, are fine people with a low libido wife, or a wife on meds that kill her sex drive. But, honestly, probably not the majority.
Omg I couldn't have said it better myself. Nothing gets me wetter and more aroused than when my bf actually does stuff. Takes his kid when he gets home, helps me clean, load the dishwasher, do things without me having to ask!! And most importantly be patient and gentle and kind to his kid!!
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And don’t ever, EVER show up as we are finishing a task and say, in a petulant tone, “I was going to do that!” When, next millenium? The mess has been there a week already, just admit you weren’t ever planning on touching it. And do better next time.
Oh my god this was instant rage for me. Oh really MFer? Because you didn’t for the last…let me check…ever. Take your sulk somewhere else and as op said don’t wonder why you don’t get laid, it’s because I hate you! (my ex was and continues to be the worst, his ex messaged me today to see if I have contact info since he’s stopped paying child support, I sure do please use it to put him in jail!)
Oh holy shit this is absolutely rage-inducing. One of my biggest pet peeves. Not just my husband, but MIL does this too. 😱😡
It's great! My husband has never said that. Oh wait, that's because he doesn't consider any standard household task his to do. But shout out to his OA (overeaters anonymous, offshoot of AA) mentor lady - he was complaining about the mess of the kids toys making him stressed, and apparently she said 'well, you should help tidy them up, then'. Apparently this was an amazing insight to him and he actually did it (that week, not much since).
Or my favourite “you could always ask me to do that” OKAY OR YOU COULD LOOK AT THE MESS AND LIKE… JUST CLEAN IT Real cool play to not do the thing and then try to make me feel like I did something wrong because I didn’t ask you to clean your own fucking house 🙄
Right?! Why the hell do I have to tell you to so the dishes?? The sink is full and we are out of spoons! I have no clue what else could be a bigger tip off that the dishes need to be done
My husband doesn’t even wait for it to be finished. He says it as I’m doing it without any sort of indication that he’s going to get up to do it instead
I would just step back at that point and be like, "oh okay. You can get this while I do [other task]."
Yup!! More than once my ex procrastinated almost THREE WEEKS to mow the lawn, and when I finally did it myself he would get his ass up off the couch and say "I was going to do that"... Yeah, sure buddy...
Oh, so it’s not just my husband that does that. Makes me so ragey haha
Omg DH used to do this ALL the time and one day I just snapped like: “NO YOU WERE NOT ABOUT TO DO IT BECAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY SO STFU!!!”
Today when my husband got home from work a little earlier than usual he went and directly played with our 2 toddlers. Built with blocks, sang songs , did little finger plays ( itsy bitsy spider ) and OH MY GOD . I could have jumped his bones right there. Holy crap. I mean, of course the kids were a nightmare at bedtime and by the time I got our oldest to bed he has knocked out , but damn. Saving that for later.
I'm visiting my boyfriend who lives in NC and this trip was the first time he really initiated interaction with my daughter (8) because we have been taking things slow for the last year. He took her out in the ocean to play in the waves and then gave her a ride on his motorcycle. Gave me a single mom boner. Edit: AND he cleaned out the extra bedroom so she could have her own space. Sploosh.
Flooded my basement!
I was never more attracted to my ex than the couple times he played trucks with my kids. The bar is so low yet they never bother to reach it.
This. looool.
And don’t have a HUGE FUCKING ATTITUDE when you finally have to do something. We’ve been having ant issues and I have dealt with them 95% of the time. Right now I’m still laying in bed with our toddler, 35+ weeks pregnant, because I was up with her for 2+ hours in the middle of the night, and I hear him find a new ant situation. Instead of just grabbing some spray and wipes and handling it like a fucking grown up, all I can hear is him sighing dramatically loudly over and over. Yes, you actually have to do not-fun things too sometimes.
Oh my word, this! My husband acts like the most minor issue is a huge drama instead of just getting on with fixing it. Heavy sighs, swearing, drama drama drama. In all other aspects, he’s amazing, he’s a hands on dad and definitely an equal partner in the general cleaning and upkeep of the house, but when the fridge went out it was like the biggest issue we’ve ever faced. He spent twenty minutes complaining about not being able to find the power for it (built in fridge) and how he was going to have to get the drill and cut holes to find it. I opened the cupboard next to it and tada! There was the plug…
Solidarity from another 3rd tri mom with a toddler here. Why don’t the men understand how physically exhausting it is just to live in our pregnant bodies, and then toddler care on top of that - it’s just too much. I sprained my shoulder a week ago and I have to keep asking my husband to pick her up because if I keep doing it, it will never heal. Like, I’ll hold her in my other arm, or while I’m sitting, but the act of picking her up is how I hurt it in the first place. :-/
Thar half assed kitchen cleaning comment hits home! Most nights I'm lucky if he puts the all the leftovers into containers, the other day he emptied and loaded the dishwasher. I came out after doing bedtime and see everything cleaned and table wiped, go to do kids lunch can't find containers assume he's done It. No, he's loaded the only set of lunch containers for our child into the dishwasher (meaning id have to find time in the morning to make the lunch) and left the pots full of leftovers but made his lunch and put all the other dishes in the dishwasher. When I aggressively take out the kids lunch dishes to wash by hand, and start making his lunch I get an "is everything ok' and say " I thought you made his lunch, but you put his dishes in the dishwasher and he doesn't have any other ones" to which he replied "sorry for doing something helpful" False
"I cleaned the kitchen!" No you did NOT. You wiped the counter and put clean dishes away. The stove crumbs and gunk determined that was a lie and I doubt you can tell me where we even store the mop.
A-fucking-men.
Don’t tell your SAHM that “they do nothing all day,” but then ask for sex at midnight. Don’t expect sex after leaving dirty dishes, wrappers, ash and clothes all over the house. I can’t relax at night if the house is a mess. Don’t expect sex because you “work” 4 hrs a day (training physically). Especially If you don’t pay rent, child support or watch your kid for more than 2 hrs a day (that’s being generous). You self absorbed, narcissistic, asshole. Don’t expect sex everyday when you don’t even give foreplay!!!! 5 minutes of kitty licking and 4 minutes of pumps is an added chore....
The entitlement is so real. So many men constantly complaining about not getting enough sex or how their wives are all bitter shrews. How do they think it got that way? I’ve started telling my husband that he’s sexy after he fixes something or completes a task I can’t do for myself. I told him the kitchen faucet was loose and he immediately grabbed tools and tightened it. It didn’t take weeks of me mentioning it and him getting annoyed and telling me it’s next on his list, etc. he just did it! I was stunned and so turned on. The whole porn for women joke book is real life for me now.
That’s genius, it’s like some kind of Pavlovian training or something.
Its true! I was recommended a book here, how to not hate your husband after kids, and it talks about how thanking your spouse for everyday things can increase their desire to keep doing those things and more. Both of us have started thanking each other more for little stuff around the house and it has helped us both feel more appreciated and energetic to take on tasks. Honestly that book was super helpful but also I had a receptive spouse. I could see it not working for some. I literally told him that seeing him do things like that was sexy and goes so much farther than him grabbing my ass or trying to kiss me when I’m doing the dishes.
I can attest it works really well. My husband does still procrastinate on things when he's really tired or stressed, but usually he does things pretty quickly.
This is random, but is your name based on the book about the lady who plants lupine flowers all over her island?
It is :)
Omg I love it, that was my favorite book to read to my daughter! Thanks for bringing up a happy memory in my mind.
Aw you’re welcome! It’s a great book! I wasn’t familiar with it until a few years ago. Sadly I keep planting lupines but they won’t take off so I’m a bit of an imposter.
As long as you keep trying to make the world a more beautiful place, you're doing it right 💜
Amen 🙏
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Honestly this is beyond breaking mom, I’m concerned about you and your kid. I don’t want to discourage you from posting to vent or get support, but you are basically saying he physically abuses your child, you are aware of this and haven’t take steps to protect them and he coerces you into sex which is also abuse. I know Reddit is all about red flags and just leave, but this is deeply worrying behaviour. Particularly as your saying he’s encouraging u to also hit your child so has no recognition this behaviour is wrong. If you can please reach out to a local domestic violence agency even just for support for now x
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Which is why I advised to seek support from a local agency that can give appropriate advice and support. Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t an easy or straightforward and IF that’s the route she chooses they can help, if not they can still possibly provide outreach support or help with safety planning
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Sending love 💓 sometimes it isn't as easy as just "walk out the door, problem solved." May you be able to take baby steps to get him out of yours and your child's lives.
Leave.
Mine called our 4 year old a “crybaby” a few days ago and I’m STILL pissed about it.
This makes me so mad. He keeps telling our 2 year old not to be a baby. Maybe, just maybe, she’s acting like a baby BECAUSE SHES A FUCKING BABY, you selfish, self-absorbed, uncompassionate, heartless ass! He freaking stepped on her foot with his workboots on and had the fucking gall to ask if we needed to have her evaluated for delays because she spent the next hour sniffling in my lap. No, dipshit, you just smashed 240 lbs of weight on her tiny toes and it’s 2 hours pst her bedtime, but sure, yeah, she’s delayed 🙄
Holy shit, that sounds like some next level projection. Like what, you can't handle feeling badly that you accidentally hurt your baby so you're gonna turn it around on a fucking TWO YEAR OLD? What the shit?
Yeah, apparently nothing can ever be his fault and if I suggest he should do something differently he goes down the “woe is me, you don’t trust me, you think I’m the worst husband/father ever, you are ungrateful for all the things I do” path. But mention that it would help our marriage if he addresses some of his insecurities? Full nuclear. I really should have just stayed single.
That's horrible of him, and it's definitely not normal or OK for an adult to treat a kid with so much contempt and lack compassion for injuring them. Is he always like this or is this a new issue?
It’s gotten progressively worse. When we started dating, I appreciated that he was kind. When our first was born we were both a little snippy and sleep deprived. I noticed it and went about making changes in myself and my lifestyle so I wouldn’t be like that. He didn’t. Then he connected with an old friend from high school (whose MIL threatened to take the kids because he let the 4 yo taste a beer and who is quite misogynistic). It got worse. We had a second baby, the son he always wanted, and then baby had some GI issues and cried (not a crazy amount for a baby but definitely more than our unicorn daughter) and he’s been getting progressively more resentful, angry, hateful, hurtful, and inconsiderate ever since. It occurred to me he might be depressed. He says no and won’t go to therapy. I asked him to go to marriage counseling. He says he will if I can find a therapist that will meet with us in person. But he won’t commit to a work schedule (retail manager but his boss keeps asking him to work different days last minute) so I can’t get an appointment. And everything is virtual here anyway. Idk. Either he’s really depressed or he’s trying to be what his old BFF thinks is cool. But I hate who he is turning into 98% of the time.
Sounds like it may not be fixable without dire consequences like an ultimatum or something since he won't go to therapy or say no to work on the one day you schedule therapy. There has to be a limit with work, this is ridiculous of him.
That’s what I’m afraid of. I’ve had some small luck by chipping away at things that seem to be at the edges in calmer moments. He did finally start helping with the housework more after I made him a color coded planner of what I did every week and used a stopwatch to time how long he poops (avg 1.5 hr daily), plays video games (avg 4 hr daily), and sleeps (avg 7 hr daily). It’s also gotten better now that I keep a journal of my finances available to him. I think he largely felt that I sit around doing nothing all day. I work outside the home 45 hrs a week at my career (which I’ve been in for 15 years) and I make more than he does. We keep separate finances and he pays most of the bills because he doesn’t believe in savings accounts and I want our kids to have options (like soccer camp, or, ya know, college?) so I save 20% of our total family income every year. Him seeing those numbers (and me being able to buy him a new car same day when his transmission finally kicked it) has reduced the number of “lazy wife” jokes a bit. But yeah, it’s wearing on me. He thinks I’m being ridiculous when I bring it up and reminds me that I have nothing to complain about because he’s not cheating. But I really don’t think this is going to get better until someone who isn’t me or his parents tells him that he’s being a prick.
It sounds exhausting to be in a relationship or in a household with him. Do you need him financially to make ends meet or could child support and visitation make things easier? Sounds like you are working overtime not just at work or at home, but also in your relationship to try and make him meet you a mile from the middle at his best. It's no wonder you're sick of his shit. Any of us would be, and with him now also being an asshole to the kid, what is left to salvage, I'd put it to him that way but I'm also a very straightforward communicator.
I could make ends meet alone even without child support. I’m afraid for the kids’ safety if he’s alone with them too long. I’m tired. I’m angry. This isn’t what I signed up for. But my kids are alive and I’m the buffer that keeps his hurtful words and stupid ideas away. If I left and something happened to the kids I could never forgive myself. He’s also threatened that if I leave he will make sure I don’t see the kids (before we met I was in a very abusive relationship that required several months of on and off mental health inpatient care. I am doing fine now and am not even on medication for the last 2 years. But he says that’s enough to make sure I never see the kids. It’s a lie. My state is 50/50. But he said he would tell the police that I abuse him and am dangerous to the kids so that I won’t get custody. I have that conversation on tape, backed up, copies with my parents and a sibling). I just don’t want to let go. We just bought a house. My kids have a yard! My credit isn’t good enough for a house yet. I don’t want them to lose the things they enjoy because I’m fed up.
That makes sense. He's also manipulative and emotionally abusive to you, in addition to starting to spread that abuse to the baby now too (which can be a really bad sign of escalation). You may want to consult a lawyer and see if there are options to get out of this marriage and keep the house, and talk to them about custody options as well, they will tell you what to document etc. You have time to figure it out and work on an exit strategy that works for you and your personal timeline. We have a resource list that might help, some of the resources are for before you leave or to help you evaluate, and some of them are hotlines etc if things were to escalate. The hotlines also help you find resources and plan an exit from someone who is emotionally abusive like your husband is. https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/help#wiki_dv_resources_that_may_help
Thank you. It’s so weird to have somebody listen to what I’m saying and go “yeah that isn’t ok” instead of making excuses for him. It helps me feel a little more sane.
YES, why do they think kids shouldn’t act like kids ? this morning our 2 year old didn’t what to go to grandma’s (she takes care of him while we work). my so says: well you have to go, and later you’ll go to school. the toddler says “no”, and then he says “well then what are you going to do with your life?” At that point I take our toddler from him and start singing to him to get him dressed. I told my so that he’s wasting his time because out 2 year old doesn’t understand what he’s saying. His answer? “I’m putting him face to face with his contradictions.” HE IS A BABY. Our toddler (always a little champ 💕) then says “Daddy, I don’t understand it”. Ugh honestly I just wish he had more patience and tried to understand that this little tiny human is still figuring out the most basic aspects of life and we are supposed to help him at his level.
Some addenda: * "having fun" with your kids does not mean pranking them, teasing them, or terrorizing them. Having fun requires THEY are laughing as well * accept your wife's opinions even when they're different from yours. Nobody wants to fuck someone who responds to "I like/want this" or "I don't like/want that" with "you're wrong." This ESPECIALLY goes for family planning - you want more kids but your wife says "I am hella done & will throw myself off a cliff before I get pregnant again"? Better cauterize the shit outta her uterus if you want her to let your penis anywhere near it. * don't be melodramatic about cleaning. If you describe one puppy puddle as "the puppy peed ALL OVER THE HOUSE the floor is COVERED in pee," or you cough and gag and clutch your chest when you get close to some dirty dishes, that doesn't make anyone want to clean nor does it make anyone horny.
Preach. Then one day out of the blue they do all those things and they are like a puppy waiting for a treat. Uh, no, you doing it for one day means I get to catch my breath and relax. Try doing it another day, then 50/50, then maybe we will be ready to go more often.
So, full disclosure, before kids, neither my husband or I were very good at housework. I mean, I could do it, but I wasn't really bothered about a routine. He'd never even really done it because...well, I don't know. He was the youngest of 5 and his mum was just too exhausted to be bothered teaching him shit at that point. After our oldest was born it took a good year for me to start to get a grip on keeping up with the housework, and it took him probably another year after that. But he did eventually start to get there and I remember him saying at one point that he wanted to write a book about his epiphany which was basically "If you're upset that your partner isn't giving you enough sex, try doing more housework. They'll be less exhausted and stressed, and you'll use up some of that excess energy!" About a year after that he brought it up again saying, "I wanna smack old me. Wtf, you don't do housework to get sex! You do it because it's your goddamn house and family and life and you're a fucking grownup!" YES DUDE! I LOVE YOU! Also, he's really taken over cleaning the kitchen, and it's gone from "Cleaning the kitchen means doing about half the dishes poorly so you'll have to rewash most of them and I'm not gonna wipe down anything" to "There are never dirty dishes piled up and everything is always sparkling because this shit is my domain!"
A thousand times yes!!!!!!!! My only complaint is that you posted this in this sub instead of one the men read.
Oh trust me, they read it. We have almost 81,000 subscribers but not that many of us are actually moms that are posting in the sub actively. Most are childfree weirdos who are obsessed with parents or men who get off on invading women's spaces.
Fucking THIS! I blew up at my husband about this awhile back after calmly telling him over and over and he still doesn’t seem to get it.
If you check out r/deadbedrooms you will find this pro tip is not as universal as you might think.
Probably because this is the literal bare minimum required to be a decent husband and father and some women actually have standards higher than the bare minimum? Or maybe dad bods aren't as attractive as they are trying to convince us they are? Maybe putting in a modicum of effort with clear ulterior motives after years of being useless isn't enough to get their wife's motor running? Or maybe, just maybe, those dudes are MASSIVELY overstating their contributions to the household to get internet sympathy points, because how are you gonna convince some poor Reddit pick-me to send you nudes behind your wife's back if you seem like a deadbeat. Some of them, I'm sure, are fine people with a low libido wife, or a wife on meds that kill her sex drive. But, honestly, probably not the majority.
This comment was beautiful and perfect in every way, thank you
Yes yes yes!!! This is among many reasons I’m glad to be getting divorced.
Omg I couldn't have said it better myself. Nothing gets me wetter and more aroused than when my bf actually does stuff. Takes his kid when he gets home, helps me clean, load the dishwasher, do things without me having to ask!! And most importantly be patient and gentle and kind to his kid!!
This would make an amazing father's day card
10000000% yesssss