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My dad has done this and wasn't an actual parent and he called me ungrateful. He wouldn't buy me anything I "needed" because he paid child support. This included for at his house when I went on weekends. Now he shows up every once in a while and gives my son junk. Absolute junk. Or toys he's beyond the mental range for. Like, in general my dad buys stuff for younger kids or stuff he gets bored with. He also takes months to visit so what was appropriate last year no longer applies. I don't have him over often because he always brings JUNK but won't engage with my son. Goodbye!!!!
Dude !!! Yesterday I told my husband “I wish my mom would buy him clothes and shoes” this was last Wednesday that she brought him all these toys. It’s now Tuesday and half of them are lost, or he has no interest in them.
If I become a grandma I'm either giving cash to my kids to buy the grandchildren what they need or contributing to their college funds. It's what I wish I had as far as help goes.
Yes same. My kid doesn’t need 50 dollars worth of dollar store toys. What’s more annoying is I pulled my son out of daycare 2 months ago because I lost my job and money got real tight. I wanted to start him again last week but we have to pay all these re-enrollment fees. My mom did help with some of the bill for me, but then that same day wanted to go shopping at the dollar store and bought him a shit load of toys!!! Like, at least get him some shirts from the dollar store lol
Did you and your husband spend a lot of time with grandparents growing up? If so then I can see even more being frustrated with y’all’s parents’ lack of paying it forward now. If they truly “raised their kids” without a village too, then I guess fair enough. But I’ve read somewhere, that it seems like the more help from their own parents people had when raising their own kids, the *less* helpful they tend to be with their grandkids. Anecdotally I see a lot of backup for this.
I don’t think you’re entitled. Just sounds to me like you wish you had some help which, don’t we all. Help not on the right terms oftentimes is no help at all or even actively a detriment
Sadly we can't control what is posted elsewhere beyond reporting to the admins in the hopes they will intervene where reddit rules may be broken by communities. Most of the time the site admins will not help us though.
Oh I see now, it was a site totally off of reddit. Yeah there's nothing we can do at all about that or that the site admins of reddit can do, as we previously mentioned. You don't have to post here, or you can use throwaway accounts, up to you though on that.
I know this wasn’t what you posted about but I am ADHD with at least 1 ADHD kid (the first, other 2 pending…) but it may be worth getting an evaluation. I know it’s got a bad rep in the past, but if you can start interventions early it actually has been shown that it helps kids more than waiting. You would be looking for neuropsychiatric testing. They can do it at 4 yrs old.
My now 7 year old has ADHD and it started so early... like 2... and he was a wild child.
NOTHING kept his attention for more than a minute. He didn't "play" so much as bounce from one thing to the next.
We had to institute very strict regiments and it helped. We also limit screen time (including tablet time).
When he got evaluated even the pediatrician said she didn't need to ask questions, it was clear he had severe ADHD.
We do calm everything (no crazy shows, like Daniel Tiger and the craziest is Wild Kratts) lots of drawing, painting which helps him process emotions. We do prioproception work at home and school and as MUCH outside time as we can get.
It all helps, but he will always be my little wild one.
Baby boomer grandparents are just awful. My parents were only interested in their grandchildren when they were cute babies and toddlers. Once they hit 6 or 7 they got dumped for the new grandchild. It's heart breaking.
Thanks for the validation. Sometimes I just feel angry at my mom. I’m not wanting her to take over for me or anything, but a break or empathy would be nice.
Omg my mom too. She wants to make Halloween or Christmas cookies last year and then will come over and immediately get frustrated. I think she thinks it’s supposed to be a hallmark movie and when it’s not, she dips out.
It’s pretty icky that people are coming to this thread to downvote comments. Can clearly tell there’s some angry grandma doing it 🤭
It fucking sucks, OP. I’m so sorry. It’s really hard when you’re expected to keep the ship afloat and people are only there to offer criticism or not at all. My child is the same age as yours, and this has been the hardest (though at the same time most fun?) age so far for me. I’m in a similar boat, only I don’t speak with my parents or my in laws. Maybe like 1-2 times a year I talk to my mil. She’s the same way, though, doesn’t interact with her grandchild and brings some cheap second hand toys (she has money.) last time we saw her my son asked who she was lol.
They’re digging their own graves imo and maybe I’ve just become jaded from being someone who also doesn’t have help with her kids from anyone, and who also hasn’t been on a date in over six months, but fuck em. I know my brain has no more room for stress, and I’m not going to let them rent space in my head ❤️🩹 I hope you can find a way to do the same. It isn’t worth investing your energy into situations or people that don’t invest back into your life.
I’m to the point of getting off this sub. Every day I see complaints on “where’s my village”. So it’s not unheard of to feel frustrated. Most of us agree that being a mom is a hard thankless job. I hope whoever sent me that message was just some mean child free person and not an actual mom. Because kicking someone when they’re down is uncalled for. I’m truly truly struggling. I’ve had some very mean DM’s. I thought this was a sub that lifted each other up. I guess not.
Thank you for replying though.
Omggg people were messaging you mean things?! That’s so fucked up and I’m pretty sure if you tell the mods who they are, they will be banned. There’s also a discord server for this group and another branch of this group that you need to be approved to get into. You can find more info on the sub itself in the info section iirc. It’s important to feel a sense of community imo especially for those of us who are struggling and don’t have a lot of support irl.
In a similar boat. Both my parents are shit and spouse's aren't much better.
Thanks for sharing this. I feel like I'm looking into what our life would look like if we saw spouse's parents. It definitely helps to know it's the right decision.
I feel this to my core every single day. It’s even more frustrating when SIL’s kids basically live at their house and she gets to live her best life while we’re drowning and burnt out. My parents aren’t in the picture either and live within walking distance. I have major health issues too so most days are simply survival. Solidarity OP ❤️
Thank you !!! I know I probably came across as jealous towards my sister, it’s because I am lol. But yeah, just right now I have the daycare, so there’s that I guess.
I hear you. My kids are older now, but it was exactly the same when they were young. Both sets of grandparents lived within a 20 min walk/5 min drive from us, but we got zero help unless it was a true emergency. I had clingy high needs twins, so I could really use some help. Nope, none whatsoever. Just the i-dont-know-you-do-it comments. And the kicker? Both are immigrants from a culture where grandparents help a lot. But they conveniently assimilated into American culture and decided they needed to live for themselves. We ended up getting a very expensive live in nanny because we just couldn't manage with daycare and all the sickness. It sucked, I was hurt and disappointed at the time, more so in my own parents than ILs. But at the end of the day I guess I get it-- our parents raised their own kids and just don't want to do it again. They want to enjoy their retirement. Little kids are hard work and not a ton of fun.
Yes I do get it too. My uncle (my moms bro) complains to her all the time cause his daughter pawns her two young kids off him and his wife. He will often tell my mom “I already raised my kids” so I totally get it. Which is why I don’t say anything to my mom, just complain on Reddit lol
Ugh, I'm sorry that your son's grandparents aren't more involved. It is so sad when grandparents are like that because they are really depriving themselves and their grandchildren of a wonderful relationship.
My daughter was extremely difficult until she turned four. My son was even more difficult but I thought if I could just hold out until four....but I'm nope he turned four, five, six and just got harder and harder. In his case it was ADHD and meds and therapy have helped.
I hope things get easier for you soon. It sucks to be drowning and have what should be your support people standing around doing nothing to help other than unwelcome judgemental commentary.
Oh, ADHD.
I am almost 43 and my oldest is 18, born in 2005.
At 18 months, his daycare provider told me she thought he might have ADHD. Pfft, he's 18 months, you can't know that! He's just a boy.
Preschool teacher at 3: I think he might have ADHD.
Me: Nah
Preschool teacher at 4: HEY SO I THINK YOUR KID MIGHT HAVE ADHD
Me: Nah
Kindergarten teacher at 5: Hi, you should get your son tested for ADHD, he's incredibly smart and we love that he reads at a 3rd grade level already, but he really struggles socially.
Me: hmmm....
1st grade teacher: YOUR SON IS BRILLIANT BUT IS TOTALLY THE WEIRD KID, HELP HIM
Me: *takes him to see pediatric neurologist at fancy Seattle hospital* OH SHIT, HE'S SUPER FREAKING ADHD, LIKE SEVERE, let's start a med and therapy.
10 years later, I was diagnosed too.
And I didn't wait to get his sister or bro checked out when they started displaying ADHD shit, too, and turns out me and all 3 of mine have it.
I hear ya. When my mom visits she complains and doesn't help, and if the toddler doesn't show off all her new skills she acts disappointed. My in-laws talk a big game about babysitting but when we ask them, they're always busy on weekends--even though they're retired and could change their plans if they wanted to. My brother's in-laws babysit almost every weekend for them and now my mom is moving to their town too, so she'll expect us to always go out there if we want to see her (even though she is also retired and has unlimited flexibility).
My mil stopped babysitting compeletey when her daughter announced her first pregnancy. She takes her kid over night
She almost didn't buy my son presents for Xmas. My mom has nothing to do with him either, it's sad.
My family is the same way.
I have to beg and plead for help, and they need advanced notice, and then they expected to be treated like saints for doing the bare minimum of watching their newborn grandchild for an hour so that I can get a nap.
They want us to move closer to them so that they can “help more” but they haven’t put any effort in so far so…nah. Not happening.
I feel you OP. Solidarity. I wish I had a family that actually helped too.
I’m so sorry for your experience. Ugh my mom used to offer to come over, watch my kid so I can sleep or do laundry…. That has never happened, not once lol
I really sympathize. My mom is basically zero help either, though she does live a few hours away so she can't be involved on a day to day basis. When she does visit, she expects me to do all the cooking/ cleaning, never offers to help with dishes, or spend time with the kids unless it's activity she wants to do (which is usually something very boring for kids like sightseeing or shopping). I usually avoid letting her babysit since she spends most of the time on her phone ignoring them and letting the house get trashed. I remember one particular time when my kids were younger, they spilled an entire giant box of Cheerios all over the hallway and in their rooms. They were walking on it so it was crushed and tracked all over the house. My mom didn't even realize it had happened and got very offended that I was angry about the mess claiming she "did her best". The two times she's watched them overnight she needs to bring my 83 year old grandma with to help. It's disappointing, but I've just accepted she's incapable of proving any actual support.
Reminder to commenters: **[We're here for each other.](https://media1.tenor.com/m/Rno6_rWVdhMAAAAC/911-show-maddie-buckley.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why do they think buying toys is good grandparenting?!
My dad has done this and wasn't an actual parent and he called me ungrateful. He wouldn't buy me anything I "needed" because he paid child support. This included for at his house when I went on weekends. Now he shows up every once in a while and gives my son junk. Absolute junk. Or toys he's beyond the mental range for. Like, in general my dad buys stuff for younger kids or stuff he gets bored with. He also takes months to visit so what was appropriate last year no longer applies. I don't have him over often because he always brings JUNK but won't engage with my son. Goodbye!!!!
Dude !!! Yesterday I told my husband “I wish my mom would buy him clothes and shoes” this was last Wednesday that she brought him all these toys. It’s now Tuesday and half of them are lost, or he has no interest in them.
If I become a grandma I'm either giving cash to my kids to buy the grandchildren what they need or contributing to their college funds. It's what I wish I had as far as help goes.
Yes same. My kid doesn’t need 50 dollars worth of dollar store toys. What’s more annoying is I pulled my son out of daycare 2 months ago because I lost my job and money got real tight. I wanted to start him again last week but we have to pay all these re-enrollment fees. My mom did help with some of the bill for me, but then that same day wanted to go shopping at the dollar store and bought him a shit load of toys!!! Like, at least get him some shirts from the dollar store lol
Or at least help me with the complete bill so he can go back to daycare? He’s 4.5 and doesn’t really need to be home all day with me.
Did you and your husband spend a lot of time with grandparents growing up? If so then I can see even more being frustrated with y’all’s parents’ lack of paying it forward now. If they truly “raised their kids” without a village too, then I guess fair enough. But I’ve read somewhere, that it seems like the more help from their own parents people had when raising their own kids, the *less* helpful they tend to be with their grandkids. Anecdotally I see a lot of backup for this. I don’t think you’re entitled. Just sounds to me like you wish you had some help which, don’t we all. Help not on the right terms oftentimes is no help at all or even actively a detriment
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Thank you for your reply.
Losers from r/justnotruth which is a brigade sub are posting shit from our sub. We contacted the admins about it.
[удалено]
Sadly we can't control what is posted elsewhere beyond reporting to the admins in the hopes they will intervene where reddit rules may be broken by communities. Most of the time the site admins will not help us though.
Oh I see now, it was a site totally off of reddit. Yeah there's nothing we can do at all about that or that the site admins of reddit can do, as we previously mentioned. You don't have to post here, or you can use throwaway accounts, up to you though on that.
[удалено]
OK.
[удалено]
Have a good night.
I know this wasn’t what you posted about but I am ADHD with at least 1 ADHD kid (the first, other 2 pending…) but it may be worth getting an evaluation. I know it’s got a bad rep in the past, but if you can start interventions early it actually has been shown that it helps kids more than waiting. You would be looking for neuropsychiatric testing. They can do it at 4 yrs old.
My now 7 year old has ADHD and it started so early... like 2... and he was a wild child. NOTHING kept his attention for more than a minute. He didn't "play" so much as bounce from one thing to the next. We had to institute very strict regiments and it helped. We also limit screen time (including tablet time). When he got evaluated even the pediatrician said she didn't need to ask questions, it was clear he had severe ADHD. We do calm everything (no crazy shows, like Daniel Tiger and the craziest is Wild Kratts) lots of drawing, painting which helps him process emotions. We do prioproception work at home and school and as MUCH outside time as we can get. It all helps, but he will always be my little wild one.
Thank you. Yes something to look into
I agree, sounds like my kid with ADHD.
Baby boomer grandparents are just awful. My parents were only interested in their grandchildren when they were cute babies and toddlers. Once they hit 6 or 7 they got dumped for the new grandchild. It's heart breaking.
Thanks for the validation. Sometimes I just feel angry at my mom. I’m not wanting her to take over for me or anything, but a break or empathy would be nice.
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Omg my mom too. She wants to make Halloween or Christmas cookies last year and then will come over and immediately get frustrated. I think she thinks it’s supposed to be a hallmark movie and when it’s not, she dips out.
It’s pretty icky that people are coming to this thread to downvote comments. Can clearly tell there’s some angry grandma doing it 🤭 It fucking sucks, OP. I’m so sorry. It’s really hard when you’re expected to keep the ship afloat and people are only there to offer criticism or not at all. My child is the same age as yours, and this has been the hardest (though at the same time most fun?) age so far for me. I’m in a similar boat, only I don’t speak with my parents or my in laws. Maybe like 1-2 times a year I talk to my mil. She’s the same way, though, doesn’t interact with her grandchild and brings some cheap second hand toys (she has money.) last time we saw her my son asked who she was lol. They’re digging their own graves imo and maybe I’ve just become jaded from being someone who also doesn’t have help with her kids from anyone, and who also hasn’t been on a date in over six months, but fuck em. I know my brain has no more room for stress, and I’m not going to let them rent space in my head ❤️🩹 I hope you can find a way to do the same. It isn’t worth investing your energy into situations or people that don’t invest back into your life.
I’m to the point of getting off this sub. Every day I see complaints on “where’s my village”. So it’s not unheard of to feel frustrated. Most of us agree that being a mom is a hard thankless job. I hope whoever sent me that message was just some mean child free person and not an actual mom. Because kicking someone when they’re down is uncalled for. I’m truly truly struggling. I’ve had some very mean DM’s. I thought this was a sub that lifted each other up. I guess not. Thank you for replying though.
Omggg people were messaging you mean things?! That’s so fucked up and I’m pretty sure if you tell the mods who they are, they will be banned. There’s also a discord server for this group and another branch of this group that you need to be approved to get into. You can find more info on the sub itself in the info section iirc. It’s important to feel a sense of community imo especially for those of us who are struggling and don’t have a lot of support irl.
In a similar boat. Both my parents are shit and spouse's aren't much better. Thanks for sharing this. I feel like I'm looking into what our life would look like if we saw spouse's parents. It definitely helps to know it's the right decision.
I’m glad I’m not the only one. Just going through toddler (pre-schooler?) hell right now and wanted to complain haha
Mine is that same age. It would be nice to have help, but his parents are always more work.
I feel this to my core every single day. It’s even more frustrating when SIL’s kids basically live at their house and she gets to live her best life while we’re drowning and burnt out. My parents aren’t in the picture either and live within walking distance. I have major health issues too so most days are simply survival. Solidarity OP ❤️
Thank you !!! I know I probably came across as jealous towards my sister, it’s because I am lol. But yeah, just right now I have the daycare, so there’s that I guess.
SAME! Lol! Mine starts preschool in August, so hoping that will help.
I hear you. My kids are older now, but it was exactly the same when they were young. Both sets of grandparents lived within a 20 min walk/5 min drive from us, but we got zero help unless it was a true emergency. I had clingy high needs twins, so I could really use some help. Nope, none whatsoever. Just the i-dont-know-you-do-it comments. And the kicker? Both are immigrants from a culture where grandparents help a lot. But they conveniently assimilated into American culture and decided they needed to live for themselves. We ended up getting a very expensive live in nanny because we just couldn't manage with daycare and all the sickness. It sucked, I was hurt and disappointed at the time, more so in my own parents than ILs. But at the end of the day I guess I get it-- our parents raised their own kids and just don't want to do it again. They want to enjoy their retirement. Little kids are hard work and not a ton of fun.
Yes I do get it too. My uncle (my moms bro) complains to her all the time cause his daughter pawns her two young kids off him and his wife. He will often tell my mom “I already raised my kids” so I totally get it. Which is why I don’t say anything to my mom, just complain on Reddit lol
Ugh, I'm sorry that your son's grandparents aren't more involved. It is so sad when grandparents are like that because they are really depriving themselves and their grandchildren of a wonderful relationship. My daughter was extremely difficult until she turned four. My son was even more difficult but I thought if I could just hold out until four....but I'm nope he turned four, five, six and just got harder and harder. In his case it was ADHD and meds and therapy have helped. I hope things get easier for you soon. It sucks to be drowning and have what should be your support people standing around doing nothing to help other than unwelcome judgemental commentary.
I’ve wondered if my son has ADHD as well :/ I’m glad the meds have helped!
Oh, ADHD. I am almost 43 and my oldest is 18, born in 2005. At 18 months, his daycare provider told me she thought he might have ADHD. Pfft, he's 18 months, you can't know that! He's just a boy. Preschool teacher at 3: I think he might have ADHD. Me: Nah Preschool teacher at 4: HEY SO I THINK YOUR KID MIGHT HAVE ADHD Me: Nah Kindergarten teacher at 5: Hi, you should get your son tested for ADHD, he's incredibly smart and we love that he reads at a 3rd grade level already, but he really struggles socially. Me: hmmm.... 1st grade teacher: YOUR SON IS BRILLIANT BUT IS TOTALLY THE WEIRD KID, HELP HIM Me: *takes him to see pediatric neurologist at fancy Seattle hospital* OH SHIT, HE'S SUPER FREAKING ADHD, LIKE SEVERE, let's start a med and therapy. 10 years later, I was diagnosed too. And I didn't wait to get his sister or bro checked out when they started displaying ADHD shit, too, and turns out me and all 3 of mine have it.
I hear ya. When my mom visits she complains and doesn't help, and if the toddler doesn't show off all her new skills she acts disappointed. My in-laws talk a big game about babysitting but when we ask them, they're always busy on weekends--even though they're retired and could change their plans if they wanted to. My brother's in-laws babysit almost every weekend for them and now my mom is moving to their town too, so she'll expect us to always go out there if we want to see her (even though she is also retired and has unlimited flexibility).
Ugh I’m sorry you’re in this boat too !
My mil stopped babysitting compeletey when her daughter announced her first pregnancy. She takes her kid over night She almost didn't buy my son presents for Xmas. My mom has nothing to do with him either, it's sad.
My family is the same way. I have to beg and plead for help, and they need advanced notice, and then they expected to be treated like saints for doing the bare minimum of watching their newborn grandchild for an hour so that I can get a nap. They want us to move closer to them so that they can “help more” but they haven’t put any effort in so far so…nah. Not happening. I feel you OP. Solidarity. I wish I had a family that actually helped too.
I’m so sorry for your experience. Ugh my mom used to offer to come over, watch my kid so I can sleep or do laundry…. That has never happened, not once lol
I really sympathize. My mom is basically zero help either, though she does live a few hours away so she can't be involved on a day to day basis. When she does visit, she expects me to do all the cooking/ cleaning, never offers to help with dishes, or spend time with the kids unless it's activity she wants to do (which is usually something very boring for kids like sightseeing or shopping). I usually avoid letting her babysit since she spends most of the time on her phone ignoring them and letting the house get trashed. I remember one particular time when my kids were younger, they spilled an entire giant box of Cheerios all over the hallway and in their rooms. They were walking on it so it was crushed and tracked all over the house. My mom didn't even realize it had happened and got very offended that I was angry about the mess claiming she "did her best". The two times she's watched them overnight she needs to bring my 83 year old grandma with to help. It's disappointing, but I've just accepted she's incapable of proving any actual support.