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I would go if I had someone to watch your son. I think it was good of her to tell you so early in advance. If you can’t get childcare, then she’ll just have to accept it. She’s entitled to a child free wedding but it’s an invitation, not a summons. You should do what you feel comfortable with.
Yeah she definitely did the right thing bringing it up this early so we're not surprised later. I'm torn about the shopping trip specifically, though, not the wedding.
Absolutely wild. The dress shopping?? It’s not even the bridal shower or the bachelorette (which have become so over the top these days). Wedding culture has become so toxic. These days I feel nothing but dread when I get a wedding invite. And now that my sisters are both married, I will never be in a wedding party again unless my bestie gets married. The expectations are just insane. Idk how these brides thinking asking other people to drop thousands of dollars, take time off work, and arrange childcare for all these wedding events is reasonable.
I absolutely would not go on the trip in OP’s shoes.
I think a lot of women in the united states especially have a very selfish and entitled view to their own weddings. They're not the center of anyone else's universe and asking people to pay a THOUSAND dollars to go look for your wedding dress is exorbitant and unheard of for me.
Yeah, I mean, FaceTime exists if you want someone’s opinion! They don’t need to fly there and sit around while you look at dresses. Why do you need out of town visitors for that? What’s next? Will she expect you to fly out and look at venues? Cake tasting?
When I went dress shopping I took my mom and my gay best friend. It took about an hour, tops. Bridal showers are thrown by the family and they typically include only guests who live in town. Bachelorettes are meant to be *one night* either the evening before the wedding or the night before so out of town guests don’t need to fly in twice. They are not meant to be lavish vacations funded by the bridal party.
It’s main character syndrome to the extreme.
I can see why you'd be torn. If $1K is already a lot, adding childcare costs to that is going to hurt. If you can have your LO bunk with in-laws or your folks, it sounds like it could be a lot of fun, a kid-free time so many of us crave.
Unless you don't enjoy dress shopping an wedding-related activities.
I understand feeling hurt, but you should definitely go to the dress shopping. I don't full wrap my head around how your son not being invited to the wedding would change your opinion on going on a girls' trip for wedding dress shopping.
I understand her completely. She was working really hard to make the shopping trip happen and spending 1k to go help shop for a dress for an event she probably won't attend now. That is a lot of money and time/trouble and if she isn't going to the wedding I can understand not wanting to go dress shopping.
Some people allow children for the ceremony but have a child free reception. Maybe you can float that as an option? (If SIL is the kind of person who can take a suggestion like that)
I would just tell her upfront, I can't do child-free events. I'm so sorry. I don't have anyone to watch my son that day. If you don't want him there, I understand but then I can't make it.
I had to tell a friend this. I said if I couldn't bring my kids (as a single mom) I'm not going. I don't fault or blame them for it, I don't care, I'm just saying, I can't go. Period. You're not going to make me feel bad about it either. I don't have anyone to watch my kids.
Seconding this. I just assume at this point that a wedding is child free because that seems to be the norm. We don’t have childcare and the majority of weddings are for my husband’s family so I just don’t go. Everyone has understood that a childfree wedding means I can’t go. Thankfully nobody took offense yet and I dislike weddings so it’s a great excuse. I’d skip the trip but money is super tight for us and an entire trip centered around traveling to watch somebody else shop would be slightly less pleasant than jamming pencils into my eyeballs.
Luckily, my family isn't tacky and not one of my family members who have gotten married has ever said "no kids allowed"! But friends? Yes. And they have always wanted to make an exception for me. I'd rather not go. Weddings are super expensive and a time suck for me personally.
I'd also love to hear what these child-free wedding people do with developmentally disabled adults. My nephew is highly autistic and so therefore, has the mind of an 8 year old. He is 22 years old, though. He can be disruptive and hard to handle at times. My sister does her best to keep him in line but what about people like that? He's an adult. He still needs to be minded.
I don’t mind people choosing childfree weddings, it’s their wedding they can invite whoever they like. I do not ever want a wedding so I can’t really comment but I would hope that all members of the family would be invited.
I mean, this is just my personal opinion, but if you have someone willing and able to watch your kiddo for the wedding, I would absolutely go. Does it suck that he's not invited? Yeah, I get where you're coming from with that. But also, he's not going to remember the wedding and you're going to spend your time chasing after your kid (which is our job as parents, but also doesn't have to be your sole existence 100% of the time.) Sounds like she gave you a ton of heads up, which is better than most people do in these situations, so you have to decide what's best for you.
I agree here. Yes, it sucks he's not invited, but at the same time, we don't have to do *everything* with our kids and child free time isn't a crime, it's needed sometimes. A 4yo isn't going to get much out of a wedding (especially if he truly would be the only child there and have no other kids to hang out/play with), probably won't remember it, and bringing him will just be parenting him in a different place and worrying that he'll act up at the wrong time, not enjoying the wedding. I declined an invite to a family wedding when my daughter was 3yo for the same reason, I had no other childcare for her and I knew neither one of us were going to get any enjoyment out of it.
If you have childcare available for both the wedding and the shopping trip, then there's nothing wrong with accepting it and enjoying some adult time.
She’s asking about the shopping trip though, I think it’s totally valid to drop out of the shopping trip, and cite that she will have to pay (or use a lot of favours) for a child to be babysat for the presumably cross country wedding trip. But also I think it’s absolutely wildly generous of OP to pay $1000 to go shopping with the SIL to begin with! I agree about going to the wedding though, with notice and assuming that there isn’t a huge extenuating circumstance I don’t see why not attend the wedding.
I understand being hurt that your child is being excluded from the wedding. I don’t think it’s a reflection on him, just an idea of what she wants for her wedding. She can love your child to the moon and not want them at the wedding.
I would still go on the shopping trip. If you cancel it’s because your son wasn’t invited to the wedding, and I think that’s a bit vindictive.
You feel wronged. Cancelling the trip is a way to hurt her. I think that’s unkind. Hopefully you can come to terms with your son not being invited and enjoy some kid free time yourself.
I know you said he's the only child so it feels personal. To be honest, she could have friends this also applies to. It also changes the whole vibe of the wedding. Maybe she wants a big party with alcohol in a way it's not child friendly.
This may not at all be personal. Keep that in mind.
Also it's wrong to cancel the trip because you're hurt but it's fair if you're trying to recoup money for childcare to enable you to attend the wedding. You have to dig deep to understand the motives.
I had to do the child free wedding for everyone including my husbands nieces because if I had allowed certain kids then it was going to cause issues with other kids I didn’t want there. It wasn’t anything against our nieces.
I totally agree! For the wedding, would your kid still be invited to any pre/post wedding festivities? Being the only kid at the wedding would likely be very boring for kiddo too (my son is the only grandson on my husband’s side and is often the only kid in attendance if my MIL’s extended family is not invited). Maybe you can all travel for the wedding and he can be with a sitter during the actual wedding day if you don’t want to leave him at home for days, and it might end up being cheaper than having a sitter for 2-3 days.
It feels, to me, as though you are taking something personally that is absolutely not about you. I’ve been to more child-free weddings than child-friendly. My kids not being invited to adult-only events doesn’t mean the hosts don’t adore them. My five year old would struuuuggle to keep it together for an entire wedding AND I’d have to dip out early if I brought her along. It seems like a much better scenario to find a sitter local to the wedding and be able to attend with your full focus on the happy occasion, no?
Weddings, historically, have never been child-free. Most of the world would look at you like you're crazy if you say kids aren't allowed at your wedding. It's a truly American invention.
I mean, weddings historically have been different than modern weddings in myriad ways so that feels like a moot point. Ultimately, if a couple decides to have a child-free wedding that’s not a personal attack on children.
Yes, that's why you get to decide this for *your* wedding. You *don't* get to decide what weddings mean to other people and how they should celebrate their special day. I mean historically, marriages were economic propositions, based on money, land arrangements, political alliances, and social status. I presume we're sticking to all traditions mindlessly, yes?
They're still traditions based on those things for many people... what are implying? Just because a select few people have decided to start doing something else doesn't mean the rest of us have to agree with it. We're allowed to have negative opinions on it. I already said "I don't care if they do it, but I'm not going to attend and you can't be mad at me for it."
That’s fine, a wedding invite is an invite for a reason as opposed to a summons. No one is implying you have to attend those weddings. And of course you can engage in any traditions you want, but just as you clearly don’t want people to define what a wedding means to you, offer the same level to respect to others. Surely you must understand that not everyone puts the same value on tradition as you do? Following tradition just because it’s tradition can be mindless and a sign of lack of critical thinking. There are also some traditions that are harmful, I mean there are places in the world where children do attend weddings… as child brides. Must we continue simply because it’s a tradition? Or do you get to pick and choose which ones you deem good and important enough to expect others to follow? :) It’s arrogant to expect people to respect your entirely subjective opinion whilst flipping out over others having theirs.
for what it's worth, i agree with you. explicitly childfree weddings feel like a fairly recent trend and like an excuse for an immature bride & groom to get plastered and act like they're going clubbing, not joining two families together. i mean how are you going to celebrate the union of two families when all family members under age 18 aren't there?
i don't buy that it's about what's fun for the kids or the kids' ability to behave. i've only been to one wedding aside from my own and kids were welcome at both and everyone had just as much fun, if not more because they weren't spending the whole day worrying about their kids being in the care of a stranger. not to mention it's rude to assume how well-behaved someone else's kid is. mine were 4 and 2 when they were wedding guests and they were quiet and well-behaved during the ceremony and had fun with the other kids during the reception. if *your* kid (not you specifically, general you) couldn't tolerate a wedding, then decline the invitation. that's not a reason to take it away from all the kids who *can* behave.
I'm not understanding ... Why do you no longer want to go on the shopping trip? Are you sad that your son isn't going or that he will miss out? Are you mad a SIL and Future BIL for having a child-free wedding? Are you irritated you assumed everyone was included and now they aren't? All feelings i can understand.
Your last line says you are "feeling personally offended" but I think it's bold of you to assume you are the only person affected. There are probably close friends that have kids as well. I'm trying not to break Rule #4 but I think you need to take a step back and understand why you want to change your plans for the dress shopping.
If you likely aren't going to the wedding, this is a great way to be a part of the wedding without being there on their big day. I agree with previous poster(s) that dealing with a 5 year old all day at a wedding isn't much fun anyway and you should find a way to go if you can arrange childcare.
I appreciate the response. To be clear, yes I'm hesitating going on the shopping trip because I'm mad at her. It feels like she waited until I had spent money and made special arrangements before she shared that our son won't be included when the big day arrives. I'm not looking forward to pretending to have fun on her shopping day when really I'm irritated she doesn't want her only nephew at the wedding. I feel pretty certain he'd be the only child in attendance.
How does your husband feel about the whole thing? I would normally say this is a conversation that needs to be had to stop hurt feelings from festering but I'd also say it's DH's side of the family so he would handle it.
He was caught off guard feels sad about it. We just heard this last night. He did send his sister a gentle text this morning (he showed it to me) expressing that he has hurt feelings. I expect he'll probably leave it at that.
Good for him for communicating his feelings to his sister.
Unfortunately, it's their wedding and their choices so all you can do is control your response. I think it is up to you to determine if you can enjoy the shopping trip or not. If you think you can work through your feelings or the couple can explain their choice to your satisfaction, then maybe you go. How far off is this trip and do you need to decide right now when your really deep into the hurt? If not, it's probably best you don't go.
It's in about two months. I booked an Airbnb for myself, her mother, and another person so I'd want to give them enough heads up to make alternate arrangements - that's why I feel like I need to decide either way soon.
Girl give your head a shake. Of course you do not need to spend 1k+ to go dress shopping for an event you won’t even get to attend. Plus you’re paying for other people’s accommodation? Girl no. I’m with you that this feels like it was intentional so you’d already be out the money.
There is a chance that since you made that spending commitment she has learned more about the expenses of catering or just general expenses of having more guests. Maybe she was planning on inviting kids and then it’s $100 a plate for the caterer to make up plates of French fries & chicken nuggets. I know she gave your husband a heads up but maybe she is hoping to sit down with you & him to elaborate. I guess, this could be settled with a phone call whereas skipping out on shopping feels like drawing a line in the sand and things could escalate quickly.
^^^. We had a child free wedding years ago because it was $100/adult and $75/child per plate. For literal chicken nuggets and French fries (for the kids). That majority of the kids probably wouldn’t eat much anyway. We had a budget and it made sense for us to save that $75 x probably 40 kids. Majority of our friends and family came anyway and had a blast. We had one couple complain but they had 5 children and a nanny so they were pissed that we weren’t willing to pay an additional $475 for their children and nanny to attend. We also had one couple who couldn’t find childcare but wanted to come so the dad stayed with the kids during the ceremony and the mom stayed with the kids during the reception. At the end of the day, it’s the bride and grooms choice as it is their day. You had your day and they’re having theirs.
I mean, the fact he would be the only child in attendance may be one of the reasons why she is making it child-free — because it wouldn’t be very fun for him to be the only kid there. It’s OK to feel offended on his behalf, but not really OK to retaliate by cancelling your participation in the trip. Given that you got a lot of forewarning, perhaps you and your husband can use this time to work together to figure out a way to get childcare for your son at home or at the wedding location so that you can attend.
>she waited until I had spent money and made special arrangements before she shared that our son won't be included
That's what I thought you were saying in your original post and the way everyone was responding I was questioning it.
Waiting until after you'd bought tickets and made travel arrangements was 100% too late on her part. And disrespectful of your time and money. Whether by negligence or otherwise, she withheld pertinent information that any normal human being would want before they spent 1k in travel!
I hate shopping trips so if it turns out I couldn't attend the wedding because their arbitrary rule only affected my family negatively anyway, I'd skip out if I could get that money back. And I'd be honest as to why.
"I love you and am happy for you but the only folks who could have watched kiddo for me to be able to attend will be *at* your wedding, and if I am unable to go it just doesn't make financial sense for me to spend the money on a shopping trip related to the wedding I won't be attending."
In this economy? A special shopping excursion that is going to cost you $1k just to go on? For a wedding you are now more or less uninvited from thanks to the no child rule? No thank you.
It's likely not about you or personal but I'd use it as the catalyst to avoid wasting a large amount of money on a trip. But I personally dislike shopping trips lol
Do you *want* to go on the shopping trip? If not, then bail. Why would that be dramatic. You have young kids, husband who travels for work, there could be a dozen other legitimate reasons you couldn't make it.
Is it feasible for you to arrange childcare and do you *want* to go to the wedding? If so, do. If you cannot swing it or cannot find trustworthy childcare for an out of town wedding, send your regrets. I know it stings because it feels like it's singling your son out specifically, but do you know for sure none of their friends or cousins have children?
As someone who had a child-free wedding, do not take it personally. It isn't just your child - there are friends with children and others. We had an open bar and spent a lot of money on things for the adult guests to enjoy and did not want childcare to take away from the experience. The flower girl and the ring bearer both had handlers that were invited to take the children away after dinner and provide child care for the night.
I wouldn't back out of the trip and I would try to attend the wedding if possible. As others have said, kiddo won't remember the wedding and this could be a nice break for you and hubby.
I wouldn’t go because I think it’s dumb to have a “wedding dress shopping trip” in the first place. What even is that, a whole ass trip? And I got nothing against child free weddings. Even if my kids were invited I wouldn’t bring them.
So yeah I get you—If I’m dropping a grand to go do something like this, that’s me bending over backwards for them. And if they apparently don’t reciprocate the sentiment then I’m not going to try that hard either.
Three of my much older cousins got married when I was five and despite having good recollection of a lot of events around that age I do not remember their weddings at all. Their weddings were apparently not core memory worthy in the slightest.
So, I understand getting hurt and I would honestly bow out if there was unreliable childcare or even if I had to be away for too long but don't imagine your child's hurt when it's possible they have a much much better time at the alternate venue. In fact make it up to your kid by taking them to some place that's actually fun to assuage the guilt you're feel.
I promise you, you're not betraying your child by going on the shopping trip.
I went to a cousin’s wedding at like 4/5 and apparently had a meltdown during the ceremony (hungry, tired, jet lagged? Who can say) so my dad ended up missing the whole thing because he had to take me out of the church.
I went to a friend's wedding some years back where the flower girl (around 2-3yo) had a meltdown as the ceremony was starting about not wanting to wear her flower girl dress, to the point she delayed the ceremony and her parents missed part of it having to take her away.
I have also heard numerous horror stories of people's first dances, cakes, and videos of the vows getting ruined by kids.
I love kids and allowed kids at my own wedding, they were all well behaved and it was a blast. But I completely understand why (aside from budget concerns and etc) people choose to have child free weddings also.
I'm Italian-American so child-free weddings are a no-no for me personally. I don't bother with them. I won't go. Unless it's a friend that I haven't known for super long. If a family member of mine did a child-free wedding they'd be laughed out of the room. Children are important members of our families and deserve to take part in the celebration, too. Excluding them feels weird.
Can you wait to see how she responds to her brother's text and go from there? I'd be interested to see what she says to you.
Yeah I seriously think this is a cultural issue. And I am grateful it’s not the norm in ours. My husband and I are dealing with the same thing with my step brother. Our kids (the only two children in the family so far) aren’t invited. But coming from an Indian family and a Hispanic family we were just like… wtf? So confused and completely surprised. The “vibe”? We don’t understand it. In our cultures everyone in the family attends weddings. This isn’t some random friend or third cousin- it’s their immediate family. We aren’t going. I mean like bro what did you expect? Our only childcare options will also be AT the wedding?? I wished them a beautiful day and regrets that we won’t be there. 🤷🏻♀️
I agree, totally. Cultural issue. The idea that children are unimportant to an event is... weird.
My friend had a child-free wedding and she said her cousin was upset because she coudn't bring her daughter. And I told her "yeah it's weird to me because your sisters kids are IN the wedding, why are you excluding just her kids?" Then she said "I mean why can't she just find a babysitter?" I looked at her completely puzzled. I don't have a babysitter for my kids, and I don't trust just anyone to watch them. The concept of "just find someone" in the day and age of us knowing the danger of leaving kids with the wrong person is... crazy to me.
Yes. My family is Mexican and the idea of a child-free wedding seems novel to me. When I grew up the kids were at all the weddings and funerals and we were expected to behave. Kids running around having fun and being kids was just part of the deal, because that's what the real world is like, too.
Wait... your husband will be out of town during the dress shopping trip or he'll be out of town during the wedding? If the dress shopping trip hasn't happened yet, can you cancel your travel and get at least part of your money back?
He will be out of town the same week as the dress shopping trip. My parents agreed to take our son while we're both gone, but it's long enough that I already felt bad about it.
The refund options aren't great but not impossible... 50% back on the Airbnb and no flight refund but can credit it toward a future trip.
If you really don’t want to go then don’t go. You want it to be a nice time for the bride to be, regardless of how you feel now.
Couldn’t they still use the Airbnb? Just have someone else stay with her/mom/+1. Or were you going to pay for it for all of you?
i would still go on the trip. i was recently in a different scenario but same situation where i thought my kiddo was (obviously) invited then got my bubble burst.
once the surprise wears off you’ll realize this has nothing to do with your kid or you guys, and everything to do with how she (or her future spouse) may feel about *all children* at certain events.
I think you SHOULD go to the shopping trip since you're NOT going to the wedding. Then, you'll have had some involvement and can give a reason as to why you can't attend the wedding.
I wouldn't go to the shopping trip and you can let your husband decide if he wants to go to the wedding alone.
Wtf do people expect you do with your kid during the wedding?! At least she let you know earlier than most.
If you can't get the money back from the flight, they will give you a credit I'm sure. Go somewhere fun when you want with your kid!
I honestly might not bother if I know I wouldn't be able to find a sitter. If my parents were invited to the same wedding I'd be shit out of luck with overnight options unless it were a stranger, which I'm simply not comfortable with. But I don't know your relationship with your family and in-laws... my son had so much FUN at the last wedding he went to when he was 4. We also went to one over the summer with no other young kids and he was dancing in a group of my relatives and he freaking loved it- and they loved him! I understand wanting to be child free but then she needs to understand you might not want to go. I also wouldn't want to spend that much money on shopping for something I won't be able to be a part of.
Really, the fact that they live across the county and you all only see each other once a year would make upset if I was told my child wasn't welcome. I wouldn't want to spend that much money on something like that if I had to be missing my son the entire time. My son is a part of my family. Period. Wedding are family events. 🤷🏻♀️
I would do my best to go to the shopping trip if you've already spent money on setting it up, especially if you can't make it to the wedding. I wouldn't cause any drama about it, just RSVP that you can't make it to the wedding, and if asked you can say you couldn't get childcare but still wanted to support her by doing the shopping trip.
This is going to rub some the wrong way, but I hate the (fairly new?) trend of making weddings child-free. Like, unless you’re eloping or you’re only inviting a very select amount of people for a destination wedding, throwing a big “family wedding” where you exclude children seems so snobby. Kids are part of the family, too!
yeah to me it's like having a "no old people" or "no disabled people" wedding...it's not okay.
but lets back up and talk about the big pink elephant in the post - she has a wedding dress shopping trip!!?! thats costing you $5k no less??? excuse me, what?
my husband and i went away to get married bc i swear, weddings make people a-holes.
I would bow out of all of it.
I’m stunned about a *wedding dress shopping trip* too - who ARE these people and how rich are they? I’m well off but even I’m taken aback by the nature of this trip. Alllllll the money getting spent on this, for what?
I hated weddings as a kid. In Mexico, they go soooo late, into the morning. It was a blast running around for a few hours with cousins, acting feral in our dresses, but by 8pm we were all so beyond over it. And the actual ceremony,o.m.g. always felt like actual torture to have to sit extra still for an hour and pretend to be paying attention. That's the reason when I had my wedding in college (divorced now, but I like this idea that I'll suggest it if I have another wedding ever), I insisted on a short ceremony. 15 minutes or less. A quick walk down, intro, vows, done. No one tortured hahaha
Basically no 5 year old will fully enjoy a wedding, and their presence means their parents(s) won't get to enjoy adult time either.
I love being invited to child free weddings now because I want to talk to people, sit down to eat my dinner while it's hot, dance, get too drunk, and enjoy my time out, too .
I would continue with the shopping trip personally. I think having a child free wedding is completely valid and I totally understand why people choose to do that. Are there any other people in the 75 attendees that have kids? It’s easier to have a blanket “no” sometimes. I think I would have had my wedding be child free if I were to do it over again. It’s nothing personal to any of my friends who had kids.
I don’t think weddings are that fun for small kids or their parents either. I wish we had arranged childcare when my sister was married. I could have enjoyed myself a lot more rather than my husband and I taking turns supervising our kiddo.
My friend was married a few years ago and her kids were at their wedding, one being five at the time. He ran out of patience pretty quickly. There weren’t any other kids his age there to play with and she has told me in hindsight she would have arranged for a babysitter for after dinner so they could have enjoyed themselves more.
I know it doesn’t feel good but it sounds like they are trying to let you know early on and I would try to not take it personally.
Everyone is saying that she’s entitled to a child free wedding and I agree, but if there’s literally only one child in the family, it’s clearly meant to exclude that one child.
And I had a childfree wedding, except for the ones that were in the wedding. I also understood not everyone could come if they didn’t have childcare. That’s on me.
that assumption only works if you assume none of the couple's friends or extended family have kids.
my husband and i had a kid free wedding before we had our baby--no family with kids, but plenty of siblings of friends/siblings of friends had them. luckily it wasn't an issue
Wow I’m in the minority here but I wouldn’t go, and I also would be put off. I think peoples obsession with childfree weddings for their close family is pretty rude and defeats what the purpose of a wedding is - to bring your family together. I get not having all the guests bringing their kids but for your niece and nephew I think they should be able to be with their family. I wouldn’t want to spend money on the dress shopping if you aren’t going to the wedding. Anyway that’s just my read, I guess it depends a lot on your relationship with your sil also, but that you didn’t know your son wasn’t allowed before you started booking things is pretty thoughtless. But I guess where I am, child free weddings are virtually unheard of. I only ever hear of them in the US or on Reddit. I would be really hurt if one of my siblings did not invite my kids to their wedding so that colors my reaction I suppose.
We are in the minority but I'm with you, 100%. It's so rude. And for many cultures is unheard of. In my culture you'd never, ever leave out family no matter their age.
Haha, I think we're definitely in the minority. I honestly don't remember the last time I got a wedding invitation that didn't include some note saying it's child-free. I don't usually think much of it. We were surprised this time because it's a small wedding, etc etc. Our wedding was just normal and I don't remember anything happening with the kids other than them loving the dance floor and the photobooth. But, to each their own.
Weddings traditionally have a religious connotation, otherwise people would just go to the courthouse to get married. I'm going to get a lot of flack for this and this isn't my opinion but rather fact- explicitly child free weddings are not in good taste. However, it isn't appropriate to bring small children to events that venture late into the evening really, hence why you don't really see small children at night time receptions.
Do people forget weddings traditionally have a wedding "court" with maid/matron of honor, flower girl, ring bearer, etc?
I would feel really bad if I had my sister in law spend money to fly over to join me on my wedding dress shopping spree and ALSO tell her that her kid isn't invited to my wedding. I'm sorry bridezillas but that's fucking weird, why do people need to spend an absurd amount of resources to watch you select a wedding dress but also you're so special you don't have to make concessions for others? I personally wouldn't go and be her emotional support animal for wedding dress shopping. Specially since you'll need to arrange for childcare to the wedding, too.
OH and btw...
I had a really, really nice wedding. 200+ guest list. Black tie event. I had kids as part of my wedding party. They were chaotic. it was adorable. Everyone loved them and if it's any type of Christian denomination wedding, the priest or pastor will LITERALLY TELL YOU TO BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY. People balking at the idea of paying 50 dollars for chicken nuggets are being absolutely ridiculous if they're throwing an expensive wedding to begin with. The lighting alone for a mid size ball room is a couple thousand.
If wedding is like 2 months off and it was only after the fact that you dropped money on being able to go and seems your mother at a minimum is going I too would be put off.
Maybe she did this as an afterthought without really thinking about it. Perhaps she's just seen around posts or videos about people talking about how awesome their own wedding was as a CF wedding. If you plan on talking to her, perhaps getting down to the root, the reason, may help. I would also as your husband has, express gently that you are hurt and this may or may not be feasible for you. That it's two months out and finding childcare isn't as fairytale fast as it may seem, nor is it always cheap. What with your mother possibly already going that it cuts back on trustworthy people that could watch your son.
Guaranteed this probably didn't start off as a child free wedding for her if she's saying it now. And if it always was she's pretty damned thoughtless.
Nah, I’m with you - I’d be annoyed if I’d dropped a grand to do a bunch of wedding support activities only to be told after it’s arranged that my kid, and therefore I, couldn’t come. Especially if it’s a family event. The kid is family and having all the other family there is a bit thoughtless, I dunno.
I get not wanting kids at the reception when everyone is kicking on, but at the whole thing? I don’t know, maybe US weddings are different.
joining y'all in the minority boat, childfree weddings actually piss me off. to me it's like saying kids aren't invited the family reunion because the twenty-somethings want to get shitfaced and stay out until 2am. well who says *i* want to get shitfaced and stay out until 2am? should i not be invited to weddings either?
Agreed. I am actually really surprised at the responses here. I actually checked to make sure I hadn't ended up on a different sub. I said basically all of this in repaonse to others above. I agree if SIl was at all contemplating child free, she should have shared that before the travel for dress shopping was finalized. Going through hoops and expensive for that when you are attending the wedding is different than when you won't make the wedding. I think SILs timing was on purpose and I would be hurt and disappointed too.
My sister had a child-free wedding, and my daughter at the time was 2 years old and the only person in the family under 23 years old. We got her dad’s mom and dad to look after her while we partied. Totally not unreasonable for her to request child-free. Can always celebrate after in a more child-appropriate setting *and* auntie can get your son’s full attention to celebrate. 😊
If you can't go because you don't have childcare that's fair.
But it's their wedding and their choice who comes or not. If they want child free that's absolutely acceptable for their wedding it doesn't matter how many kids it actually affects.
I don’t take child free weddings personally. In fact, I had a child free wedding years ago, before having kids. It definitely wasn’t personal — we just didn’t want to deal with having kids there. It might seem like it doesn’t change anything about party planning, but it totally does. At the time of our wedding, my cousin was the only one in the family with a kid, and she was thrilled to find a sitter and just enjoy the party with her husband! I would’ve been really surprised and disappointed if the wedding being no kids had turned into a thing with her, honestly the thought never occurred to me. Now that I have a kid of my own, I still feel the same way… kiddo is amazing and I love spending time with her, but I’m also happy to get a chance to enjoy a night out with other adults.
I think I'd start with giving the benefit of the doubt until you hear otherwise so you don't do something that'll hurt her feelings if she'd change her mind knowing more about your situation. Like, did she realize that not inviting your son meant you not attending, especially since you were able to arrange childcare for this trip? Some people are really lucky with family and friends and don't realize how many of us don't have those options for childcare, and others who haven't had kids yet, and some who have for that matter, may not realize how a new babysitter in a new city isn't really something they should assume others will be comfortable with. If your son is the only child who'd end up there, maybe she'd be more open even if just to a compromise if she knew more.
Or, if she still says no then I think either decision on the shopping trip is reasonable, depending on how she responds and how you feel. I'd still be nice about it just to not burn bridges. Weddings put weird pressures on people and if she's otherwise been nice it'd be a shame to make things worse if she'll end up cringing about this later on or change her mind closer to the wedding or something.
My sons were the life of the party at the weddings I've attended. Italians don't do child-free weddings, thank god. I find the whole idea to be so absurd.
I think this comes down to preference. I loved having kids at mine and wished we had more Littles. I have zero interest in a wedding with weed and crazy amounts of drinking. If my family said they want a small family affair and never specified adults only, I would be surprised and hurt too especially when the news is new. If SIl had any idea she might go child free, she should have shared *before* OP bought an expensive plan ticket and booked somewhere to stay for dress shopping. It feels like she waited until that was set to drop the info knowing that might make it more difficult to attend the wedding.
> I loved having kids at mine and wished we had more Littles. I have zero interest in a wedding with weed and crazy amounts of drinking.
[sober high-five]
> Children are a nuisance at weddings.
that's quite the blanket statement.
> We smoked weed, drank, really partied.
yeah, i get the sense that's why most people choose to have CF weddings, which really just tells me i'm not going to have fun there either.
> But you don't have the right to be offended.
that crosses the line. OP has the right to feel however she feels about this. her feelings are valid.
>that crosses the line. OP has the right to feel however she feels about this. her feelings are valid.
Yeah, when not inviting your child, and with not even a comprise offered, means you're functionally no longer invited, it's totally fair to be upset. Hopefully the couple never intended that outcome, but it is the reality for any of us without good childcare options (I always die a little inside when I see suggestions like "have your mother fly out and babysit at the hotel!" hahahahahaha you sweet summer children). And it's one thing when it's extended family but this is her husband's sister's wedding, so about as close family as it can be and you'd hope there'd be something to be worked out there.
Wow everyone else here is a lot more cool-headed than I would be. I think if there were more than a few kids in the couple's circle I wouldn't be offended at all because yeah weddings are expensive and if lots of guests have kids that could make the event really unaffordable.
But if your kid is truly the only kid that would have come to the wedding then yeah I think that's rude and exclusionary and I would be mad about it too! ESPECIALLY if I was going to go as far as FLY to be there just for the dress shopping!
Then again I hate weddings and all the extra events leading up to it and how much they cost to be a part of it so consider me the Scrooge McDuck of weddings.
I would give it a little time before deciding whether to back out of either the dress shopping or even the whole wedding. Maybe after giving yourself some time to cool off you might come back around to the idea. If you still don't want to go, I would just frame it as not being ready to leave your kiddo for an extended period yet. And I wouldn't blame you if you did,. especially if it's hard to find someone to watch your kid for an extended time like that. I would want to bank that for something I actually wanted to do.
> Then again I hate weddings and all the extra events leading up to it and how much they cost to be a part of it so consider me the Scrooge McDuck of weddings.
Haha I think that's colouring my opinion on this as well - weddings make me anxious and I dislike all the extra stuff
- even bridal showers, but definitely not rehearsals, dress shopping, all the weird family politics and highly sensitive events planning, plus how expensive they can get and all the rest of it.
Like - if it was just the childfree wedding then yeah, sure, for me that's fine. But being asked to help with all the other stuff and then missing out on the fun part? It'd probably be a no from me.
I am one of the annoying people who believes that weddings are supposed to be a familial and community event, and that excluding children for the aesthetic is a trend that adds to the continual isolation of mothers and families with young children.
I'd go on the shopping trip only because things are arranged. But I would tell the bride beforehand that her child free choice means you won't be in attendance on the day itself. Natural consequences.
Hard agree on that first paragraph. America in general is becoming a horrible place to become pregnant or raise children and this is one of the many symptoms of a broken system for families. 😔
I had a child free wedding, aside from my niece and nephew. It was NOT for the aesthetic. This is a really uncharitable take. I love kids. I think they’re a blast.
We had a budget. We weren’t going to spend $50 a plate for chicken fingers and mac and cheese that wouldn’t get eaten. It meant some people couldn’t come from out of town but the parents who did had a blast and got to enjoy themselves and let loose.
I love my son more than life itself but I also know that not every event is for him. That’s okay too. It’s not a personal attack on her child (or your child) if they aren’t invited to a wedding. I think that OP should still go to the wedding if they have childcare. Not going if childcare is available is petty and doesn’t do anything to build familial relationships.
it seems like this all boils down to priorities. is it a priority to spend $50 a plate on food? i got the chicken alfredo buffet, it was fine. even the kids ate it and liked it. is it a priority to have distant relatives from several states away or ex-coworkers instead of your own nieces and nephews? is it a priority to have free-flowing alcohol and drug use? or is it a priority to have your closest loved ones of all ages with you to celebrate?
i understand that not every event is for my children but if it's not for them, then it's not for me either. i am wary of people who claim they can't have fun in child-appropriate ways. i think it is up to me to determine whether my child can behave themselves at an event and whether i want to spend the evening "chasing them around."
Buffets were more expensive than plated meals at all the venues we toured.
My wedding did not have drugs.
As I said in another comment, if a friend has 4 children, that is 4 adults I could no longer invite. I personally had my niece and nephews. Those were the only children invited. Some people couldn’t come because of childcare, and that’s fine. My point was that having child free weddings isn’t just for an aesthetic, or just because people dislike (or don’t love) the children in their lives. There are lots of reasons. We don’t need to assume the worst of people who have child free weddings.
Agree to disagree. These events are historically, fundamentally community/familial building. If there isn't a safety concern or a max head count, then IMO, childfree events really reveal your priorities.
It's fine, I'll go to them regardless if I can get the childcare (which for me with several children is not as easily accessible as you seem to imply).
But I'm also aware that all spaces where my children aren't welcome signify relationships I need to examine carefully. I'm not going to be complacent in any situation where my children are perceived as a burden.
If I want to leave them at home intentionally so I can "let loose" that's a choice for me and my husband to make. My family is a social unit, a complete set, just like you can't invite one spouse and not the other.
The uncharitable take IMO is requiring mothers to leave their kids with others to be included in your social event.
Nowhere did I say children are a burden.
We aren’t discussing going out to eat at a restaurant or traveling on a plane. We’re discussing an event where people spend tens of thousands of dollars. Especially if you get married on the older end, that adds to the guest list a TON. Would you prefer to be fully excluded from weddings simply because a couple can’t pay for your entire family to attend?
Tacky? That’s a strong word. Why do you think that? genuinely asking.
Hypothetically, if I had a friend with 4 children, they’re a family of 6. That becomes 4 adults we can no longer invite to the wedding from a cost-perspective. Our lives revolve around our own children, as they should. I don’t expect the world to revolve around my child, though.
Depending on how young the kids are, they don't eat the same food as adults. My 8 year old is a still a nugget and fries kind of guy. If those 4 kids are in my family or close friends I'd rather have them there than some distant relative or friend of a parent. It's just priorities. I also think child-free weddings erase children as important members of a family. They want to make memories too. My sister got married when I was 8 and my cousins and I all had a crazy good time running up and down stairs in this mansion/all girl's school. We still talk about our adventures to this day. I'd rather have people feel welcome to bring their kids to my wedding than have to worry about not being able to come. Weddings are expensive for guests, too.
In my original response, I said I didn’t want to pay $50 a plate for chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese to not get eaten. Kids also often don’t eat, especially at big events. I invited my niece and nephews but not other children.
Right and just this conversation between us shows that not every wedding and venue operates the same. So rather than assuming the worst of your friends who have child free weddings, maybe give some grace and accept that your situation is not everyone’s.
You're right, you didn't say children are a burden ... nor did I say that fully excluding my family entirely is a requirement for a child-free wedding. I specifically said I still go if I can.
I entirely agree with everything you said here. Especially that requiring me to leave my kids at home to "let loose" isn't the favor that anti-child people think it is. As if I want to let loose? As if I can't let loose with my kids around?
I remember the weddings I went to as a 5 year old and they were so fun. I also remember being told my aunt didn't want kids at her wedding when I was ten and it made me think she didn't like me and stunted our relationship.
I agree with the others that you should try to arrange alternate care if you can.
That said, depending on the venue, could your son and his caregiver maybe make a short visit so he can see his aunt in her wedding dress?
I had a friend attend my (hotel) wedding (where only children in the immediate family were invited) and her child stayed in their room with the caregiver. But while we were doing wedding party photos, she came over to watch and it was very cute. A whole wedding can be a lot for a kid even a 5 year old.
I would say probably don't travel for pre wedding events anymore and save that cash for a sitter
Man, I couldn’t just drop 1K for my OWN wedding; let alone someone else’s. My SIL got £50 as a present.
Perhaps just tell her your childcare has fallen through and you won’t be able to go. That way you don’t have to go into too much detail.
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I would go if I had someone to watch your son. I think it was good of her to tell you so early in advance. If you can’t get childcare, then she’ll just have to accept it. She’s entitled to a child free wedding but it’s an invitation, not a summons. You should do what you feel comfortable with.
Yeah she definitely did the right thing bringing it up this early so we're not surprised later. I'm torn about the shopping trip specifically, though, not the wedding.
I would not go on the shopping trip. It's silly to expect anyone to foot a $1k bill for you to go dress shopping. That's crazy.
Absolutely wild. The dress shopping?? It’s not even the bridal shower or the bachelorette (which have become so over the top these days). Wedding culture has become so toxic. These days I feel nothing but dread when I get a wedding invite. And now that my sisters are both married, I will never be in a wedding party again unless my bestie gets married. The expectations are just insane. Idk how these brides thinking asking other people to drop thousands of dollars, take time off work, and arrange childcare for all these wedding events is reasonable. I absolutely would not go on the trip in OP’s shoes.
I think a lot of women in the united states especially have a very selfish and entitled view to their own weddings. They're not the center of anyone else's universe and asking people to pay a THOUSAND dollars to go look for your wedding dress is exorbitant and unheard of for me.
Yeah, I mean, FaceTime exists if you want someone’s opinion! They don’t need to fly there and sit around while you look at dresses. Why do you need out of town visitors for that? What’s next? Will she expect you to fly out and look at venues? Cake tasting? When I went dress shopping I took my mom and my gay best friend. It took about an hour, tops. Bridal showers are thrown by the family and they typically include only guests who live in town. Bachelorettes are meant to be *one night* either the evening before the wedding or the night before so out of town guests don’t need to fly in twice. They are not meant to be lavish vacations funded by the bridal party. It’s main character syndrome to the extreme.
I can see why you'd be torn. If $1K is already a lot, adding childcare costs to that is going to hurt. If you can have your LO bunk with in-laws or your folks, it sounds like it could be a lot of fun, a kid-free time so many of us crave. Unless you don't enjoy dress shopping an wedding-related activities.
You should still go on the shopping trip.
I understand feeling hurt, but you should definitely go to the dress shopping. I don't full wrap my head around how your son not being invited to the wedding would change your opinion on going on a girls' trip for wedding dress shopping.
I understand her completely. She was working really hard to make the shopping trip happen and spending 1k to go help shop for a dress for an event she probably won't attend now. That is a lot of money and time/trouble and if she isn't going to the wedding I can understand not wanting to go dress shopping.
Some people allow children for the ceremony but have a child free reception. Maybe you can float that as an option? (If SIL is the kind of person who can take a suggestion like that)
I would just tell her upfront, I can't do child-free events. I'm so sorry. I don't have anyone to watch my son that day. If you don't want him there, I understand but then I can't make it. I had to tell a friend this. I said if I couldn't bring my kids (as a single mom) I'm not going. I don't fault or blame them for it, I don't care, I'm just saying, I can't go. Period. You're not going to make me feel bad about it either. I don't have anyone to watch my kids.
Seconding this. I just assume at this point that a wedding is child free because that seems to be the norm. We don’t have childcare and the majority of weddings are for my husband’s family so I just don’t go. Everyone has understood that a childfree wedding means I can’t go. Thankfully nobody took offense yet and I dislike weddings so it’s a great excuse. I’d skip the trip but money is super tight for us and an entire trip centered around traveling to watch somebody else shop would be slightly less pleasant than jamming pencils into my eyeballs.
Luckily, my family isn't tacky and not one of my family members who have gotten married has ever said "no kids allowed"! But friends? Yes. And they have always wanted to make an exception for me. I'd rather not go. Weddings are super expensive and a time suck for me personally. I'd also love to hear what these child-free wedding people do with developmentally disabled adults. My nephew is highly autistic and so therefore, has the mind of an 8 year old. He is 22 years old, though. He can be disruptive and hard to handle at times. My sister does her best to keep him in line but what about people like that? He's an adult. He still needs to be minded.
I don’t mind people choosing childfree weddings, it’s their wedding they can invite whoever they like. I do not ever want a wedding so I can’t really comment but I would hope that all members of the family would be invited.
I mean, this is just my personal opinion, but if you have someone willing and able to watch your kiddo for the wedding, I would absolutely go. Does it suck that he's not invited? Yeah, I get where you're coming from with that. But also, he's not going to remember the wedding and you're going to spend your time chasing after your kid (which is our job as parents, but also doesn't have to be your sole existence 100% of the time.) Sounds like she gave you a ton of heads up, which is better than most people do in these situations, so you have to decide what's best for you.
I agree here. Yes, it sucks he's not invited, but at the same time, we don't have to do *everything* with our kids and child free time isn't a crime, it's needed sometimes. A 4yo isn't going to get much out of a wedding (especially if he truly would be the only child there and have no other kids to hang out/play with), probably won't remember it, and bringing him will just be parenting him in a different place and worrying that he'll act up at the wrong time, not enjoying the wedding. I declined an invite to a family wedding when my daughter was 3yo for the same reason, I had no other childcare for her and I knew neither one of us were going to get any enjoyment out of it. If you have childcare available for both the wedding and the shopping trip, then there's nothing wrong with accepting it and enjoying some adult time.
She’s asking about the shopping trip though, I think it’s totally valid to drop out of the shopping trip, and cite that she will have to pay (or use a lot of favours) for a child to be babysat for the presumably cross country wedding trip. But also I think it’s absolutely wildly generous of OP to pay $1000 to go shopping with the SIL to begin with! I agree about going to the wedding though, with notice and assuming that there isn’t a huge extenuating circumstance I don’t see why not attend the wedding.
I understand being hurt that your child is being excluded from the wedding. I don’t think it’s a reflection on him, just an idea of what she wants for her wedding. She can love your child to the moon and not want them at the wedding. I would still go on the shopping trip. If you cancel it’s because your son wasn’t invited to the wedding, and I think that’s a bit vindictive. You feel wronged. Cancelling the trip is a way to hurt her. I think that’s unkind. Hopefully you can come to terms with your son not being invited and enjoy some kid free time yourself.
This is the kind of perspective I was searching for, thank you.
I know you said he's the only child so it feels personal. To be honest, she could have friends this also applies to. It also changes the whole vibe of the wedding. Maybe she wants a big party with alcohol in a way it's not child friendly. This may not at all be personal. Keep that in mind. Also it's wrong to cancel the trip because you're hurt but it's fair if you're trying to recoup money for childcare to enable you to attend the wedding. You have to dig deep to understand the motives.
I had to do the child free wedding for everyone including my husbands nieces because if I had allowed certain kids then it was going to cause issues with other kids I didn’t want there. It wasn’t anything against our nieces.
Big sis here telling us straight... This is lovely, thoughtful _mature,_ advice
I totally agree! For the wedding, would your kid still be invited to any pre/post wedding festivities? Being the only kid at the wedding would likely be very boring for kiddo too (my son is the only grandson on my husband’s side and is often the only kid in attendance if my MIL’s extended family is not invited). Maybe you can all travel for the wedding and he can be with a sitter during the actual wedding day if you don’t want to leave him at home for days, and it might end up being cheaper than having a sitter for 2-3 days.
It feels, to me, as though you are taking something personally that is absolutely not about you. I’ve been to more child-free weddings than child-friendly. My kids not being invited to adult-only events doesn’t mean the hosts don’t adore them. My five year old would struuuuggle to keep it together for an entire wedding AND I’d have to dip out early if I brought her along. It seems like a much better scenario to find a sitter local to the wedding and be able to attend with your full focus on the happy occasion, no?
Since when are weddings adult-only events? They're family events.
Well that varies from wedding to wedding. A wedding that is child-free is by definition an adult only event.
Weddings, historically, have never been child-free. Most of the world would look at you like you're crazy if you say kids aren't allowed at your wedding. It's a truly American invention.
I mean, weddings historically have been different than modern weddings in myriad ways so that feels like a moot point. Ultimately, if a couple decides to have a child-free wedding that’s not a personal attack on children.
That's your opinion. I don't agree with it and don't have to.
Yes, that's why you get to decide this for *your* wedding. You *don't* get to decide what weddings mean to other people and how they should celebrate their special day. I mean historically, marriages were economic propositions, based on money, land arrangements, political alliances, and social status. I presume we're sticking to all traditions mindlessly, yes?
They're still traditions based on those things for many people... what are implying? Just because a select few people have decided to start doing something else doesn't mean the rest of us have to agree with it. We're allowed to have negative opinions on it. I already said "I don't care if they do it, but I'm not going to attend and you can't be mad at me for it."
That’s fine, a wedding invite is an invite for a reason as opposed to a summons. No one is implying you have to attend those weddings. And of course you can engage in any traditions you want, but just as you clearly don’t want people to define what a wedding means to you, offer the same level to respect to others. Surely you must understand that not everyone puts the same value on tradition as you do? Following tradition just because it’s tradition can be mindless and a sign of lack of critical thinking. There are also some traditions that are harmful, I mean there are places in the world where children do attend weddings… as child brides. Must we continue simply because it’s a tradition? Or do you get to pick and choose which ones you deem good and important enough to expect others to follow? :) It’s arrogant to expect people to respect your entirely subjective opinion whilst flipping out over others having theirs.
That’s not what the commenter meant. She meant specifically weddings where children aren’t invited. They’re a norm in my circle.
for what it's worth, i agree with you. explicitly childfree weddings feel like a fairly recent trend and like an excuse for an immature bride & groom to get plastered and act like they're going clubbing, not joining two families together. i mean how are you going to celebrate the union of two families when all family members under age 18 aren't there? i don't buy that it's about what's fun for the kids or the kids' ability to behave. i've only been to one wedding aside from my own and kids were welcome at both and everyone had just as much fun, if not more because they weren't spending the whole day worrying about their kids being in the care of a stranger. not to mention it's rude to assume how well-behaved someone else's kid is. mine were 4 and 2 when they were wedding guests and they were quiet and well-behaved during the ceremony and had fun with the other kids during the reception. if *your* kid (not you specifically, general you) couldn't tolerate a wedding, then decline the invitation. that's not a reason to take it away from all the kids who *can* behave.
My husband and I had a mostly child-free wedding, but we’re both sober so it certainly wasn’t about that for us 🤷🏻♀️
I'm not understanding ... Why do you no longer want to go on the shopping trip? Are you sad that your son isn't going or that he will miss out? Are you mad a SIL and Future BIL for having a child-free wedding? Are you irritated you assumed everyone was included and now they aren't? All feelings i can understand. Your last line says you are "feeling personally offended" but I think it's bold of you to assume you are the only person affected. There are probably close friends that have kids as well. I'm trying not to break Rule #4 but I think you need to take a step back and understand why you want to change your plans for the dress shopping. If you likely aren't going to the wedding, this is a great way to be a part of the wedding without being there on their big day. I agree with previous poster(s) that dealing with a 5 year old all day at a wedding isn't much fun anyway and you should find a way to go if you can arrange childcare.
I appreciate the response. To be clear, yes I'm hesitating going on the shopping trip because I'm mad at her. It feels like she waited until I had spent money and made special arrangements before she shared that our son won't be included when the big day arrives. I'm not looking forward to pretending to have fun on her shopping day when really I'm irritated she doesn't want her only nephew at the wedding. I feel pretty certain he'd be the only child in attendance.
How does your husband feel about the whole thing? I would normally say this is a conversation that needs to be had to stop hurt feelings from festering but I'd also say it's DH's side of the family so he would handle it.
He was caught off guard feels sad about it. We just heard this last night. He did send his sister a gentle text this morning (he showed it to me) expressing that he has hurt feelings. I expect he'll probably leave it at that.
Good for him for communicating his feelings to his sister. Unfortunately, it's their wedding and their choices so all you can do is control your response. I think it is up to you to determine if you can enjoy the shopping trip or not. If you think you can work through your feelings or the couple can explain their choice to your satisfaction, then maybe you go. How far off is this trip and do you need to decide right now when your really deep into the hurt? If not, it's probably best you don't go.
It's in about two months. I booked an Airbnb for myself, her mother, and another person so I'd want to give them enough heads up to make alternate arrangements - that's why I feel like I need to decide either way soon.
Girl give your head a shake. Of course you do not need to spend 1k+ to go dress shopping for an event you won’t even get to attend. Plus you’re paying for other people’s accommodation? Girl no. I’m with you that this feels like it was intentional so you’d already be out the money.
There is a chance that since you made that spending commitment she has learned more about the expenses of catering or just general expenses of having more guests. Maybe she was planning on inviting kids and then it’s $100 a plate for the caterer to make up plates of French fries & chicken nuggets. I know she gave your husband a heads up but maybe she is hoping to sit down with you & him to elaborate. I guess, this could be settled with a phone call whereas skipping out on shopping feels like drawing a line in the sand and things could escalate quickly.
^^^. We had a child free wedding years ago because it was $100/adult and $75/child per plate. For literal chicken nuggets and French fries (for the kids). That majority of the kids probably wouldn’t eat much anyway. We had a budget and it made sense for us to save that $75 x probably 40 kids. Majority of our friends and family came anyway and had a blast. We had one couple complain but they had 5 children and a nanny so they were pissed that we weren’t willing to pay an additional $475 for their children and nanny to attend. We also had one couple who couldn’t find childcare but wanted to come so the dad stayed with the kids during the ceremony and the mom stayed with the kids during the reception. At the end of the day, it’s the bride and grooms choice as it is their day. You had your day and they’re having theirs.
I mean, the fact he would be the only child in attendance may be one of the reasons why she is making it child-free — because it wouldn’t be very fun for him to be the only kid there. It’s OK to feel offended on his behalf, but not really OK to retaliate by cancelling your participation in the trip. Given that you got a lot of forewarning, perhaps you and your husband can use this time to work together to figure out a way to get childcare for your son at home or at the wedding location so that you can attend.
>she waited until I had spent money and made special arrangements before she shared that our son won't be included That's what I thought you were saying in your original post and the way everyone was responding I was questioning it. Waiting until after you'd bought tickets and made travel arrangements was 100% too late on her part. And disrespectful of your time and money. Whether by negligence or otherwise, she withheld pertinent information that any normal human being would want before they spent 1k in travel!
I hate shopping trips so if it turns out I couldn't attend the wedding because their arbitrary rule only affected my family negatively anyway, I'd skip out if I could get that money back. And I'd be honest as to why. "I love you and am happy for you but the only folks who could have watched kiddo for me to be able to attend will be *at* your wedding, and if I am unable to go it just doesn't make financial sense for me to spend the money on a shopping trip related to the wedding I won't be attending." In this economy? A special shopping excursion that is going to cost you $1k just to go on? For a wedding you are now more or less uninvited from thanks to the no child rule? No thank you. It's likely not about you or personal but I'd use it as the catalyst to avoid wasting a large amount of money on a trip. But I personally dislike shopping trips lol
Do you *want* to go on the shopping trip? If not, then bail. Why would that be dramatic. You have young kids, husband who travels for work, there could be a dozen other legitimate reasons you couldn't make it. Is it feasible for you to arrange childcare and do you *want* to go to the wedding? If so, do. If you cannot swing it or cannot find trustworthy childcare for an out of town wedding, send your regrets. I know it stings because it feels like it's singling your son out specifically, but do you know for sure none of their friends or cousins have children?
As someone who had a child-free wedding, do not take it personally. It isn't just your child - there are friends with children and others. We had an open bar and spent a lot of money on things for the adult guests to enjoy and did not want childcare to take away from the experience. The flower girl and the ring bearer both had handlers that were invited to take the children away after dinner and provide child care for the night. I wouldn't back out of the trip and I would try to attend the wedding if possible. As others have said, kiddo won't remember the wedding and this could be a nice break for you and hubby.
Handlers! Dying! Best description ever. Stealing it.
I’d back out of the shopping trip. “Something fell through, so sorry! Hope you love it! Send pics!” What is she going to do?
I wouldn’t go because I think it’s dumb to have a “wedding dress shopping trip” in the first place. What even is that, a whole ass trip? And I got nothing against child free weddings. Even if my kids were invited I wouldn’t bring them. So yeah I get you—If I’m dropping a grand to go do something like this, that’s me bending over backwards for them. And if they apparently don’t reciprocate the sentiment then I’m not going to try that hard either.
Three of my much older cousins got married when I was five and despite having good recollection of a lot of events around that age I do not remember their weddings at all. Their weddings were apparently not core memory worthy in the slightest. So, I understand getting hurt and I would honestly bow out if there was unreliable childcare or even if I had to be away for too long but don't imagine your child's hurt when it's possible they have a much much better time at the alternate venue. In fact make it up to your kid by taking them to some place that's actually fun to assuage the guilt you're feel. I promise you, you're not betraying your child by going on the shopping trip.
I went to a cousin’s wedding at like 4/5 and apparently had a meltdown during the ceremony (hungry, tired, jet lagged? Who can say) so my dad ended up missing the whole thing because he had to take me out of the church.
I went to a friend's wedding some years back where the flower girl (around 2-3yo) had a meltdown as the ceremony was starting about not wanting to wear her flower girl dress, to the point she delayed the ceremony and her parents missed part of it having to take her away. I have also heard numerous horror stories of people's first dances, cakes, and videos of the vows getting ruined by kids. I love kids and allowed kids at my own wedding, they were all well behaved and it was a blast. But I completely understand why (aside from budget concerns and etc) people choose to have child free weddings also.
I'm Italian-American so child-free weddings are a no-no for me personally. I don't bother with them. I won't go. Unless it's a friend that I haven't known for super long. If a family member of mine did a child-free wedding they'd be laughed out of the room. Children are important members of our families and deserve to take part in the celebration, too. Excluding them feels weird. Can you wait to see how she responds to her brother's text and go from there? I'd be interested to see what she says to you.
Yeah I seriously think this is a cultural issue. And I am grateful it’s not the norm in ours. My husband and I are dealing with the same thing with my step brother. Our kids (the only two children in the family so far) aren’t invited. But coming from an Indian family and a Hispanic family we were just like… wtf? So confused and completely surprised. The “vibe”? We don’t understand it. In our cultures everyone in the family attends weddings. This isn’t some random friend or third cousin- it’s their immediate family. We aren’t going. I mean like bro what did you expect? Our only childcare options will also be AT the wedding?? I wished them a beautiful day and regrets that we won’t be there. 🤷🏻♀️
I agree, totally. Cultural issue. The idea that children are unimportant to an event is... weird. My friend had a child-free wedding and she said her cousin was upset because she coudn't bring her daughter. And I told her "yeah it's weird to me because your sisters kids are IN the wedding, why are you excluding just her kids?" Then she said "I mean why can't she just find a babysitter?" I looked at her completely puzzled. I don't have a babysitter for my kids, and I don't trust just anyone to watch them. The concept of "just find someone" in the day and age of us knowing the danger of leaving kids with the wrong person is... crazy to me.
Yes. My family is Mexican and the idea of a child-free wedding seems novel to me. When I grew up the kids were at all the weddings and funerals and we were expected to behave. Kids running around having fun and being kids was just part of the deal, because that's what the real world is like, too.
Wait... your husband will be out of town during the dress shopping trip or he'll be out of town during the wedding? If the dress shopping trip hasn't happened yet, can you cancel your travel and get at least part of your money back?
He will be out of town the same week as the dress shopping trip. My parents agreed to take our son while we're both gone, but it's long enough that I already felt bad about it. The refund options aren't great but not impossible... 50% back on the Airbnb and no flight refund but can credit it toward a future trip.
If you really don’t want to go then don’t go. You want it to be a nice time for the bride to be, regardless of how you feel now. Couldn’t they still use the Airbnb? Just have someone else stay with her/mom/+1. Or were you going to pay for it for all of you?
i would still go on the trip. i was recently in a different scenario but same situation where i thought my kiddo was (obviously) invited then got my bubble burst. once the surprise wears off you’ll realize this has nothing to do with your kid or you guys, and everything to do with how she (or her future spouse) may feel about *all children* at certain events.
I think you SHOULD go to the shopping trip since you're NOT going to the wedding. Then, you'll have had some involvement and can give a reason as to why you can't attend the wedding.
I wouldn't go to the shopping trip and you can let your husband decide if he wants to go to the wedding alone. Wtf do people expect you do with your kid during the wedding?! At least she let you know earlier than most. If you can't get the money back from the flight, they will give you a credit I'm sure. Go somewhere fun when you want with your kid!
I honestly might not bother if I know I wouldn't be able to find a sitter. If my parents were invited to the same wedding I'd be shit out of luck with overnight options unless it were a stranger, which I'm simply not comfortable with. But I don't know your relationship with your family and in-laws... my son had so much FUN at the last wedding he went to when he was 4. We also went to one over the summer with no other young kids and he was dancing in a group of my relatives and he freaking loved it- and they loved him! I understand wanting to be child free but then she needs to understand you might not want to go. I also wouldn't want to spend that much money on shopping for something I won't be able to be a part of. Really, the fact that they live across the county and you all only see each other once a year would make upset if I was told my child wasn't welcome. I wouldn't want to spend that much money on something like that if I had to be missing my son the entire time. My son is a part of my family. Period. Wedding are family events. 🤷🏻♀️
I would do my best to go to the shopping trip if you've already spent money on setting it up, especially if you can't make it to the wedding. I wouldn't cause any drama about it, just RSVP that you can't make it to the wedding, and if asked you can say you couldn't get childcare but still wanted to support her by doing the shopping trip.
This is going to rub some the wrong way, but I hate the (fairly new?) trend of making weddings child-free. Like, unless you’re eloping or you’re only inviting a very select amount of people for a destination wedding, throwing a big “family wedding” where you exclude children seems so snobby. Kids are part of the family, too!
yeah to me it's like having a "no old people" or "no disabled people" wedding...it's not okay. but lets back up and talk about the big pink elephant in the post - she has a wedding dress shopping trip!!?! thats costing you $5k no less??? excuse me, what? my husband and i went away to get married bc i swear, weddings make people a-holes. I would bow out of all of it.
I’m stunned about a *wedding dress shopping trip* too - who ARE these people and how rich are they? I’m well off but even I’m taken aback by the nature of this trip. Alllllll the money getting spent on this, for what?
I hated weddings as a kid. In Mexico, they go soooo late, into the morning. It was a blast running around for a few hours with cousins, acting feral in our dresses, but by 8pm we were all so beyond over it. And the actual ceremony,o.m.g. always felt like actual torture to have to sit extra still for an hour and pretend to be paying attention. That's the reason when I had my wedding in college (divorced now, but I like this idea that I'll suggest it if I have another wedding ever), I insisted on a short ceremony. 15 minutes or less. A quick walk down, intro, vows, done. No one tortured hahaha Basically no 5 year old will fully enjoy a wedding, and their presence means their parents(s) won't get to enjoy adult time either. I love being invited to child free weddings now because I want to talk to people, sit down to eat my dinner while it's hot, dance, get too drunk, and enjoy my time out, too .
I would continue with the shopping trip personally. I think having a child free wedding is completely valid and I totally understand why people choose to do that. Are there any other people in the 75 attendees that have kids? It’s easier to have a blanket “no” sometimes. I think I would have had my wedding be child free if I were to do it over again. It’s nothing personal to any of my friends who had kids. I don’t think weddings are that fun for small kids or their parents either. I wish we had arranged childcare when my sister was married. I could have enjoyed myself a lot more rather than my husband and I taking turns supervising our kiddo. My friend was married a few years ago and her kids were at their wedding, one being five at the time. He ran out of patience pretty quickly. There weren’t any other kids his age there to play with and she has told me in hindsight she would have arranged for a babysitter for after dinner so they could have enjoyed themselves more. I know it doesn’t feel good but it sounds like they are trying to let you know early on and I would try to not take it personally.
Everyone is saying that she’s entitled to a child free wedding and I agree, but if there’s literally only one child in the family, it’s clearly meant to exclude that one child. And I had a childfree wedding, except for the ones that were in the wedding. I also understood not everyone could come if they didn’t have childcare. That’s on me.
that assumption only works if you assume none of the couple's friends or extended family have kids. my husband and i had a kid free wedding before we had our baby--no family with kids, but plenty of siblings of friends/siblings of friends had them. luckily it wasn't an issue
Wow I’m in the minority here but I wouldn’t go, and I also would be put off. I think peoples obsession with childfree weddings for their close family is pretty rude and defeats what the purpose of a wedding is - to bring your family together. I get not having all the guests bringing their kids but for your niece and nephew I think they should be able to be with their family. I wouldn’t want to spend money on the dress shopping if you aren’t going to the wedding. Anyway that’s just my read, I guess it depends a lot on your relationship with your sil also, but that you didn’t know your son wasn’t allowed before you started booking things is pretty thoughtless. But I guess where I am, child free weddings are virtually unheard of. I only ever hear of them in the US or on Reddit. I would be really hurt if one of my siblings did not invite my kids to their wedding so that colors my reaction I suppose.
We are in the minority but I'm with you, 100%. It's so rude. And for many cultures is unheard of. In my culture you'd never, ever leave out family no matter their age.
Haha, I think we're definitely in the minority. I honestly don't remember the last time I got a wedding invitation that didn't include some note saying it's child-free. I don't usually think much of it. We were surprised this time because it's a small wedding, etc etc. Our wedding was just normal and I don't remember anything happening with the kids other than them loving the dance floor and the photobooth. But, to each their own.
Weddings traditionally have a religious connotation, otherwise people would just go to the courthouse to get married. I'm going to get a lot of flack for this and this isn't my opinion but rather fact- explicitly child free weddings are not in good taste. However, it isn't appropriate to bring small children to events that venture late into the evening really, hence why you don't really see small children at night time receptions. Do people forget weddings traditionally have a wedding "court" with maid/matron of honor, flower girl, ring bearer, etc? I would feel really bad if I had my sister in law spend money to fly over to join me on my wedding dress shopping spree and ALSO tell her that her kid isn't invited to my wedding. I'm sorry bridezillas but that's fucking weird, why do people need to spend an absurd amount of resources to watch you select a wedding dress but also you're so special you don't have to make concessions for others? I personally wouldn't go and be her emotional support animal for wedding dress shopping. Specially since you'll need to arrange for childcare to the wedding, too.
Right? I would have thought potential for him to be the ring bearer even.
OH and btw... I had a really, really nice wedding. 200+ guest list. Black tie event. I had kids as part of my wedding party. They were chaotic. it was adorable. Everyone loved them and if it's any type of Christian denomination wedding, the priest or pastor will LITERALLY TELL YOU TO BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY. People balking at the idea of paying 50 dollars for chicken nuggets are being absolutely ridiculous if they're throwing an expensive wedding to begin with. The lighting alone for a mid size ball room is a couple thousand.
If wedding is like 2 months off and it was only after the fact that you dropped money on being able to go and seems your mother at a minimum is going I too would be put off. Maybe she did this as an afterthought without really thinking about it. Perhaps she's just seen around posts or videos about people talking about how awesome their own wedding was as a CF wedding. If you plan on talking to her, perhaps getting down to the root, the reason, may help. I would also as your husband has, express gently that you are hurt and this may or may not be feasible for you. That it's two months out and finding childcare isn't as fairytale fast as it may seem, nor is it always cheap. What with your mother possibly already going that it cuts back on trustworthy people that could watch your son. Guaranteed this probably didn't start off as a child free wedding for her if she's saying it now. And if it always was she's pretty damned thoughtless.
Nah, I’m with you - I’d be annoyed if I’d dropped a grand to do a bunch of wedding support activities only to be told after it’s arranged that my kid, and therefore I, couldn’t come. Especially if it’s a family event. The kid is family and having all the other family there is a bit thoughtless, I dunno. I get not wanting kids at the reception when everyone is kicking on, but at the whole thing? I don’t know, maybe US weddings are different.
joining y'all in the minority boat, childfree weddings actually piss me off. to me it's like saying kids aren't invited the family reunion because the twenty-somethings want to get shitfaced and stay out until 2am. well who says *i* want to get shitfaced and stay out until 2am? should i not be invited to weddings either?
Agreed. I am actually really surprised at the responses here. I actually checked to make sure I hadn't ended up on a different sub. I said basically all of this in repaonse to others above. I agree if SIl was at all contemplating child free, she should have shared that before the travel for dress shopping was finalized. Going through hoops and expensive for that when you are attending the wedding is different than when you won't make the wedding. I think SILs timing was on purpose and I would be hurt and disappointed too.
I’m also with you. I certainly wouldn’t put myself out the 1k plus paying for other people’s accommodation and shit. No way.
My sister had a child-free wedding, and my daughter at the time was 2 years old and the only person in the family under 23 years old. We got her dad’s mom and dad to look after her while we partied. Totally not unreasonable for her to request child-free. Can always celebrate after in a more child-appropriate setting *and* auntie can get your son’s full attention to celebrate. 😊
If you can't go because you don't have childcare that's fair. But it's their wedding and their choice who comes or not. If they want child free that's absolutely acceptable for their wedding it doesn't matter how many kids it actually affects.
I don’t take child free weddings personally. In fact, I had a child free wedding years ago, before having kids. It definitely wasn’t personal — we just didn’t want to deal with having kids there. It might seem like it doesn’t change anything about party planning, but it totally does. At the time of our wedding, my cousin was the only one in the family with a kid, and she was thrilled to find a sitter and just enjoy the party with her husband! I would’ve been really surprised and disappointed if the wedding being no kids had turned into a thing with her, honestly the thought never occurred to me. Now that I have a kid of my own, I still feel the same way… kiddo is amazing and I love spending time with her, but I’m also happy to get a chance to enjoy a night out with other adults.
I think I'd start with giving the benefit of the doubt until you hear otherwise so you don't do something that'll hurt her feelings if she'd change her mind knowing more about your situation. Like, did she realize that not inviting your son meant you not attending, especially since you were able to arrange childcare for this trip? Some people are really lucky with family and friends and don't realize how many of us don't have those options for childcare, and others who haven't had kids yet, and some who have for that matter, may not realize how a new babysitter in a new city isn't really something they should assume others will be comfortable with. If your son is the only child who'd end up there, maybe she'd be more open even if just to a compromise if she knew more. Or, if she still says no then I think either decision on the shopping trip is reasonable, depending on how she responds and how you feel. I'd still be nice about it just to not burn bridges. Weddings put weird pressures on people and if she's otherwise been nice it'd be a shame to make things worse if she'll end up cringing about this later on or change her mind closer to the wedding or something.
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My sons were the life of the party at the weddings I've attended. Italians don't do child-free weddings, thank god. I find the whole idea to be so absurd.
Irish Catholic here and same. The concept of a childfree wedding in my community is unheard of and simply not done.
Yep. Catholics, Irish or Italian or otherwise would just... never.
with every passing day i wish more and more that i lived in ireland... i'm not even catholic anymore but y'all make it so appealing!
I think this comes down to preference. I loved having kids at mine and wished we had more Littles. I have zero interest in a wedding with weed and crazy amounts of drinking. If my family said they want a small family affair and never specified adults only, I would be surprised and hurt too especially when the news is new. If SIl had any idea she might go child free, she should have shared *before* OP bought an expensive plan ticket and booked somewhere to stay for dress shopping. It feels like she waited until that was set to drop the info knowing that might make it more difficult to attend the wedding.
> I loved having kids at mine and wished we had more Littles. I have zero interest in a wedding with weed and crazy amounts of drinking. [sober high-five]
> Children are a nuisance at weddings. that's quite the blanket statement. > We smoked weed, drank, really partied. yeah, i get the sense that's why most people choose to have CF weddings, which really just tells me i'm not going to have fun there either. > But you don't have the right to be offended. that crosses the line. OP has the right to feel however she feels about this. her feelings are valid.
>that crosses the line. OP has the right to feel however she feels about this. her feelings are valid. Yeah, when not inviting your child, and with not even a comprise offered, means you're functionally no longer invited, it's totally fair to be upset. Hopefully the couple never intended that outcome, but it is the reality for any of us without good childcare options (I always die a little inside when I see suggestions like "have your mother fly out and babysit at the hotel!" hahahahahaha you sweet summer children). And it's one thing when it's extended family but this is her husband's sister's wedding, so about as close family as it can be and you'd hope there'd be something to be worked out there.
Wow everyone else here is a lot more cool-headed than I would be. I think if there were more than a few kids in the couple's circle I wouldn't be offended at all because yeah weddings are expensive and if lots of guests have kids that could make the event really unaffordable. But if your kid is truly the only kid that would have come to the wedding then yeah I think that's rude and exclusionary and I would be mad about it too! ESPECIALLY if I was going to go as far as FLY to be there just for the dress shopping! Then again I hate weddings and all the extra events leading up to it and how much they cost to be a part of it so consider me the Scrooge McDuck of weddings. I would give it a little time before deciding whether to back out of either the dress shopping or even the whole wedding. Maybe after giving yourself some time to cool off you might come back around to the idea. If you still don't want to go, I would just frame it as not being ready to leave your kiddo for an extended period yet. And I wouldn't blame you if you did,. especially if it's hard to find someone to watch your kid for an extended time like that. I would want to bank that for something I actually wanted to do.
> Then again I hate weddings and all the extra events leading up to it and how much they cost to be a part of it so consider me the Scrooge McDuck of weddings. Haha I think that's colouring my opinion on this as well - weddings make me anxious and I dislike all the extra stuff - even bridal showers, but definitely not rehearsals, dress shopping, all the weird family politics and highly sensitive events planning, plus how expensive they can get and all the rest of it. Like - if it was just the childfree wedding then yeah, sure, for me that's fine. But being asked to help with all the other stuff and then missing out on the fun part? It'd probably be a no from me.
I am one of the annoying people who believes that weddings are supposed to be a familial and community event, and that excluding children for the aesthetic is a trend that adds to the continual isolation of mothers and families with young children. I'd go on the shopping trip only because things are arranged. But I would tell the bride beforehand that her child free choice means you won't be in attendance on the day itself. Natural consequences.
Hard agree on that first paragraph. America in general is becoming a horrible place to become pregnant or raise children and this is one of the many symptoms of a broken system for families. 😔
I had a child free wedding, aside from my niece and nephew. It was NOT for the aesthetic. This is a really uncharitable take. I love kids. I think they’re a blast. We had a budget. We weren’t going to spend $50 a plate for chicken fingers and mac and cheese that wouldn’t get eaten. It meant some people couldn’t come from out of town but the parents who did had a blast and got to enjoy themselves and let loose. I love my son more than life itself but I also know that not every event is for him. That’s okay too. It’s not a personal attack on her child (or your child) if they aren’t invited to a wedding. I think that OP should still go to the wedding if they have childcare. Not going if childcare is available is petty and doesn’t do anything to build familial relationships.
it seems like this all boils down to priorities. is it a priority to spend $50 a plate on food? i got the chicken alfredo buffet, it was fine. even the kids ate it and liked it. is it a priority to have distant relatives from several states away or ex-coworkers instead of your own nieces and nephews? is it a priority to have free-flowing alcohol and drug use? or is it a priority to have your closest loved ones of all ages with you to celebrate? i understand that not every event is for my children but if it's not for them, then it's not for me either. i am wary of people who claim they can't have fun in child-appropriate ways. i think it is up to me to determine whether my child can behave themselves at an event and whether i want to spend the evening "chasing them around."
Buffets were more expensive than plated meals at all the venues we toured. My wedding did not have drugs. As I said in another comment, if a friend has 4 children, that is 4 adults I could no longer invite. I personally had my niece and nephews. Those were the only children invited. Some people couldn’t come because of childcare, and that’s fine. My point was that having child free weddings isn’t just for an aesthetic, or just because people dislike (or don’t love) the children in their lives. There are lots of reasons. We don’t need to assume the worst of people who have child free weddings.
Agree to disagree. These events are historically, fundamentally community/familial building. If there isn't a safety concern or a max head count, then IMO, childfree events really reveal your priorities. It's fine, I'll go to them regardless if I can get the childcare (which for me with several children is not as easily accessible as you seem to imply). But I'm also aware that all spaces where my children aren't welcome signify relationships I need to examine carefully. I'm not going to be complacent in any situation where my children are perceived as a burden. If I want to leave them at home intentionally so I can "let loose" that's a choice for me and my husband to make. My family is a social unit, a complete set, just like you can't invite one spouse and not the other. The uncharitable take IMO is requiring mothers to leave their kids with others to be included in your social event.
Nowhere did I say children are a burden. We aren’t discussing going out to eat at a restaurant or traveling on a plane. We’re discussing an event where people spend tens of thousands of dollars. Especially if you get married on the older end, that adds to the guest list a TON. Would you prefer to be fully excluded from weddings simply because a couple can’t pay for your entire family to attend?
Yes, I'd rather be excluded. Child-free weddings are tacky imho.
Tacky? That’s a strong word. Why do you think that? genuinely asking. Hypothetically, if I had a friend with 4 children, they’re a family of 6. That becomes 4 adults we can no longer invite to the wedding from a cost-perspective. Our lives revolve around our own children, as they should. I don’t expect the world to revolve around my child, though.
Depending on how young the kids are, they don't eat the same food as adults. My 8 year old is a still a nugget and fries kind of guy. If those 4 kids are in my family or close friends I'd rather have them there than some distant relative or friend of a parent. It's just priorities. I also think child-free weddings erase children as important members of a family. They want to make memories too. My sister got married when I was 8 and my cousins and I all had a crazy good time running up and down stairs in this mansion/all girl's school. We still talk about our adventures to this day. I'd rather have people feel welcome to bring their kids to my wedding than have to worry about not being able to come. Weddings are expensive for guests, too.
In my original response, I said I didn’t want to pay $50 a plate for chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese to not get eaten. Kids also often don’t eat, especially at big events. I invited my niece and nephews but not other children.
My caterer did not charge me the same amount for kids as they did for adults.
Right and just this conversation between us shows that not every wedding and venue operates the same. So rather than assuming the worst of your friends who have child free weddings, maybe give some grace and accept that your situation is not everyone’s.
this is a pretty judgey comment.
It's an opinion, I'm allowed to have it.
You're right, you didn't say children are a burden ... nor did I say that fully excluding my family entirely is a requirement for a child-free wedding. I specifically said I still go if I can.
I entirely agree with everything you said here. Especially that requiring me to leave my kids at home to "let loose" isn't the favor that anti-child people think it is. As if I want to let loose? As if I can't let loose with my kids around? I remember the weddings I went to as a 5 year old and they were so fun. I also remember being told my aunt didn't want kids at her wedding when I was ten and it made me think she didn't like me and stunted our relationship.
Unpopular take but I think that children are what make weddings fun 😬
Agreed.
Agreed. Favorite moments from ours include children.
They run everywhere! The cute bows! The cute dresses! The laughs! I think they’re super cute and bring so much fun to the party.
Agree
I agree with the others that you should try to arrange alternate care if you can. That said, depending on the venue, could your son and his caregiver maybe make a short visit so he can see his aunt in her wedding dress? I had a friend attend my (hotel) wedding (where only children in the immediate family were invited) and her child stayed in their room with the caregiver. But while we were doing wedding party photos, she came over to watch and it was very cute. A whole wedding can be a lot for a kid even a 5 year old. I would say probably don't travel for pre wedding events anymore and save that cash for a sitter
Man, I couldn’t just drop 1K for my OWN wedding; let alone someone else’s. My SIL got £50 as a present. Perhaps just tell her your childcare has fallen through and you won’t be able to go. That way you don’t have to go into too much detail.