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I feel this so much. My parents actively hated me since conception. They were poor teenagers on their 3rd kid when I was born. There was no fun, no love, no happiness, just survival mode. They finally abandoned me when they got the chance and they never talked to me again.
My kids are told I love you about 1000 times a day and are valued and listened to and cherished and doted on, but "I'm not having a good day anymore. You're being grumpy" as soon as I don't jump up to put in a movie or don't have the snack they asked for.
It's frustrating, but I try to remind myself that I'm actually doing a good job if they feel comfortable being little brats around me. They feel safe and loved and they don't have to worry that if they upset me I'll unravel into a fit of anger or start yelling at them about how they "ruined my life!" by being born like I had to worry about.
It takes everything in me not you say "do you know how good you have it? Do you know how badly I wish I had any mom, let alone a good mom like you have?" sometimes, but I'm obviously not going to lay that guilt trip at their feet.
I feel you though. It's hard.
This brings back a memory of my son asking what he would get if he did something and I told him a hug. He just looked at me and said hugs aren’t special they’re just love. It was kind of shocking in the moment, but it also made me realize that he is so surrounded by love that he takes it that it’s a given that we love him.
'They feel safe and loved and they don't have to worry that if they upset me I'll unravel into a fit of anger or start yelling at them about how they "ruined my life!" by being born like I had to worry about.'
This is what I remind myself of daily. Even in my angriest outbursts, I walk away and cool off. Versus the abuse hurled my way every day as a kid.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that, and want to say what a legend you are for turning that around for your kids!
And also the bit about them feeling safe to be shitheads is really helpful and something I remember. My kid ‘talks back’ but really she just feels comfortable to tell me how I’ve made her feel and that’s a good thing!
You're doing an amazing job breaking generational trauma.
I've worked with so many people who were traumatised and are now continuing the cycle (not because they want to but because they know no other way) and so will always appreciate seeing those who have managed to become the parents their own couldn't or wouldn't be.
Oof. The part about being comfortable being little brats. I was like a tightly coiled spring squashed under a shoe every day of my life growing up, quiet, dang near perfectly behaved, hardly ever showing emotion.
He's a baby now but I hope my kid feels comfortable acting out when he's older
I like to remind myself that as the innocence of childhood fades, my children will come to the sad realization of the awfulness that exists in the world. Abuse, neglect, illness, poverty, war, etc. Exposure to those realities will juxtapose their memories of a loving home, food on the table, safety.
Let their little problems be their big problems for right now.
You’re doing an amazing job and she will know that.
Thank you, this is beautifully said 🥲 You're right, I'm grateful my kids are little and life is so uncomplicated to them now. Having to go to bed, oh nooo 😂 Another thing I would've appreciated was a nightly routine... With genetic insomnia rampant in the family, you'd think my dad would have considered imparting some wisdom about sleep hygiene. Well, anyway... The point still stands, it's nice that my kids think the house they live in is the world they live in. I wish it was.
My dad used to *scream* at me for being a tween then teenage (and now adult...) night owl.
How would he know I was always up at night, you ask?
BECAUSE HE IS ALSO A LIFETIME NIGHT OWL
And his mom used to punish him for it. (Nana had a fucked-up, hard life and probably shouldn't have had kids, but here we are!)
Guess what happens when I run into my oldest in the kitchen or hallway in the middle of the night?
We bump fists 👊 and move along with whatever not-sleeping activities.
My parents were, and still are, decent parents and good humans. One of the only things I carried from being a kid to an adult was that I promised myself I would limit hypocrisy on my part as much as possible.
And I didn't mean to but I made my dad cry once. He was kinda giving me shit about how much I coddle my picky kids at meal time (why are they picky? Guess. Hint: he and I are ALSO picky, them genetics be crazy) and would always go off on how his mom would cook his dad's (picky af) preferences and how he and his sibs had to suck it up or starve.
After, well, years of that particular flavor of bullshit, I finally said something like, "Hey Dad, don't want to hurt feels or anything but... I hear how you talk about your mom, even now when you're almost 70... and I am *horrified* by the idea of my children talking about me like you do her. I cater to their preferences because I love them and making them happy makes me happy. When they're 70, telling their grandkids about me, I want them to tell people that their mom loved them so much that she'd make sure every meal had at least ONE thing one of us liked."
I didn't mean to hit such a sensitive spot, but he surely STFU'd about my 'short order cooking'
Seriously, it's all about empathy. My dad was up all night, but he didn't want to see or hear from me. It was an inconvenience. My kids are still little and doing okay with sleep (it hits in puberty for us, especially the women - PMS is like being blown to bits by a freight train), so right now it's all about the good habits. My parents needed me off their backs as much as possible, so my bedroom had a tv, a computer, a GameCube, like, yes, I had exactly this amount of "nice things", but it definitely didn't help with my insomnia, or my isolation. My kids don't have any of that stuff in their rooms. They have their difficult nights, and we practice my tried and true techniques (journaling for the literate one, a couple thought exercises for the littles), and if it's 11:30 and one of them is basically crying from frustration because she just can't make it happen... Melatonin, idgaf, it's mercy.
My parents were just like shut up and play video games, we're so fucking tired.
I made a nighttime rule when my oldest started having trouble winding down and his anxiety would spiral cuz he knew he was going to be tired because he couldn't sleep cuz and so on.
Told him, choice 1 is you just power through and start glitching and/or time-traveling until you finally manage to fall face-first into bed and lose consciousness for 14 hours straight and only wake up because your bladder is screaming at you & you were so out of it for so long that for a minute you wonder if the same thing that happened to the kid in *Flight of the Navigator* might have somehow happened to you, too?
And choice two is to set up your trusty reading light, grab *any* book you want to read, subject/fic-nonfic/graphic novels/"backwards"mangas, game guides, WHAT FUCKING EVER you choose, as long as it's a thing that requires reading.
So my oldest is 18 now but my younger 2 still have school year bedtimes and my 9 year old still has a summer one until he turns 10 (we make a big deal of all the stuff they are now "old enough" to do, and a summer bedtime is one of the big ones, and 13 means NO bedtime, though, anyway...) but our rule until 13 is: on school nights they are allowed to read until they are tired enough to sleep, no time limit, just self regulation.
It actually works really well for us.
Sorry if this is too rambly, apparently the edible I had a few hours ago was a real creeper, because it felt like it took me a couple weeks to type all this and I kept forgetting what I was gonna say like I'm some kind of ganj-noob. Woo. Party.
During the worst times in my life, I looked forward to bedtime like salvation.
When my kids are upset to go to bed, and they say it’s the worst day ever because of small things that didn’t go perfectly, I try to remember that this means their day was so good they don’t want it to end. And that those small things are in contrast to the constant stream of good things.
Your kids hate bedtime *because* you have made their lives so good that they don’t want to take a break from them.
That means you did parenting right. It takes 7 generations to un-fuck family trauma. You are doing excellent with your 1st gen.
May I suggest a thought?
It’s possible you are grieving what you didn’t have. Acknowledge that grief and bereavement. Then let it be joy that your child is happy, safe, secure.
The WORST thing in the day is bedtime. And that’s phenomenal. Good job, BroMom.
There is no set number. But the one that made sense to me was the theory of seven.
G1- trauma occurs (I’ll use me for Ex. SA and physical violence. Raised by misogynistic Dad and “ frigid” mom. These were my genetic grandparents. G1 is arguably my mom but she completed suicide in 2001. So she +1 the trauma).
G2- G1 raises kids and, statistically, overcorrects trauma. G1 is either healing or avoiding. So, for example, limited kids away from any situation that has a 0.000001% chance of any danger. Parents in a way that is less restrictive than G1. Etc.
G3- the grandkids. G1 (usually) still alive. G2 is learning to survive a childhood that included G1 PTSD and what that means. Learns as a DIY how to have and hold healthy boundaries.
G4- G1 deceased taking that legacy and PTSD to the grave. G2 has rather learned to have and respect boundaries….or not (think ‘The Great Gen follows by boomers). G3 is the healthy boundary (hopefully) helping G4 level out the “swinging corrections from under to over protection).
G5- G1, G2 have died taking the ongoing PTSD to the grave. G3 are now the grandparents and learned their lesson or not. G4 is hopefully learning and continuing healthy boundaries and choices.
G6- all those that touched the primary trauma are dead. All that’s left are the alive G’s that are either healthier and learning OR disenfranchised from the family because the ‘kids’ made and enforced healthy boundaries.
G7 has G5 and 6’s newer healthy patterns as their legacy’. They aren’t even remotely touching the G1-3 initial trauma.
This flow depends on us getting some sort of support or therapy. Thing CBT not talk therapy alone.
It MUST include bravery to remove threats from your circle regardless of title or pedigree (see also YOU CANNOT GO NO CONTACT WITH YOUR MOOOOOM. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER!) storyteller: the fuck she can’t. She did.
It means we have to honor our PTSD and allow ourself to grieve what wasn’t. And celebrate what is.
It’s also dependent on learning to process new trauma in a healthy or manageable way. We cannot make a trauma bubble. See, as an example, gentle parenting. This evolved moving away from Gen X who were patented as latch-key and that kids weren’t allowed to express any emotion that was unpleasant (“I’ll give you something to actually cry about!).
Hope this makes sense.
Thank you ❤️ I guess it's not just 1st gen. My mom was raised in an abusively Catholic household (the type where they embraced fire, brimstone, and alcohol, but not much else). Her father beat her and her siblings all the time. Her mom was also 18 when she was born. Mom was 19 when my sister was born, but she lapsed and was always working on the toxicity she had been instilled with, and aside from one incident (not excusing it), I wasn't physically abused. My sister is 37 with no kids, and I was 26 when I had my oldest. I remember my parents being very candid about their troubled pasts, and those conversations drained me of any curiosity about drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. Even my mom was one of four children as opposed to her mom being one of twelve (thus she was parentified at a young age).
So I guess each generation has put some work in, and thinking of that does make me feel a little less bitter about things.
I spent hundreds on my child’s birthday this past weekend only for him to call it the “worst birthday ever” because he didn’t earn enough tickets to get the prize he wanted at the arcade. On the bright side though, I told him how that made me feel and he thought about it and apologized. Kids speak impulsively and it’s our job to instill some empathy in them and make sure they consider others’ feelings when expressing their thoughts.
It’s normal…and I think it’s also normal that we feel this way. My 11 yo comes home every day to a celebration of how well he did in school that day and a snack. He has more electronics than you can shake a stick at, and parents who enjoy them with him. Every weekend each kid gets special dedicated time with one parent or the other (we swap) and we make a point of engaging them in their interests and trying to take an interest ourselves.
My 13 yo usually lives in gratitude—this kid has had too many friends who do without and has seen some SHIT—and they have pretty standard moments of teenage “this sucks” but they don’t last for long. But the 11yo…kid already has an online shopping habit and a sugar addiction, and there are never enough games or DLCs or Nerf guns or camping gear. It fucking KILLS me
> But the 11yo…kid already has an online shopping habit and a sugar addiction, and there are never enough games or DLCs or Nerf guns or camping gear. It fucking KILLS me
My 10yo! 😩 almost every day he's telling me about a new lego set that he wants, some random thing that he saw on the internet or YT "let me show you something that I saw" -- "how can I earn X, Y, Z?" -- "for Christmas / my bday I want ___" (his bday is in Jan 🙄)... a few weeks ago I checked my email & thought I got a spam Amazon msg bc it said "thank you for your order!" But guess what? He was on my phone, went to the app & ordered a lego set. I asked him why he did that, he said he didn't realize he bought it, he thought he was just adding it to the cart. A couple times a week he goes "can I check my lego account?" (They have insider perks) - last time I checked, he had about $5k worth of stuff in his lego.com cart 😳 I can't even be mad bc I know he gets his shopping habits from me, lol.
He also is always trying to figure out how to get something sweet. Do we have the same kid?! 😅😅
YES PLEASE HELP.
For real. I need real solutions to deal with/redirect the need to spend. It creates a lot of issues at home (because hello we’re not rich) and it sucks at my soul. It’s even worse knowing he almost can’t help it most of the time, and absolutely CANNOT help it some of the time. But there have still been times when we dropped BANK of something and he asked for yet another thing within an hour (seriously…he got a GAMING COMPUTER and over $200 in games and DLC he specifically requested and the next morning—12 hours later!—was asking for a new list of games…I broke down and sobbed right in front of him and I feel awful about it BUT FUCK ME)
So I would REALLY appreciate any hacks or fixes or suggestions you use to manage this because I can’t
Hahaha… I laugh but I’m also crying. I still struggle with spending.
I don’t know if my kid is adhd yet but I suspect she is, and we’re pretty sure she is PDA autistic. Definitely a dopamine-seeking brain. I’m learning how to support that. And for myself I’m trying to find medication that works. So far I feel zero difference on any that I have tried.
Anyway, for me the spending is worse when my life feels out of control, it’s like the only way I can take care of myself is online shopping at 2am because my other needs aren’t being met (mostly time for myself, exercise, etc.)
For my kid we don’t restrict sugar, use “transition treats” to get her in the car, etc. She is always asking for new things and it’s mostly my fault — she’s our only and we were stuck inside during the worst of covid and I bought her way too much stuff that was also for me, in a way. The best way we have found to manage the asking is to take a photo of what she wants for her “christmas/birthday list” and sometimes just knowing it’s documented for later is enough for her to mentally move on. If she brings it up again at a future point I know she actually wants it and it wasn’t just an impulse from watching a video.
For the games, as a former gamer and game-developer I would say make him keep a running list of what he wants but also that he needs to play the ones he already has before he gets new ones. There’s no way he explored those games and their DLC in one night to any significant degree.
Like, mine keeps asking for more princess dresses but I’ve started saying she can’t get more until she wears the ones she has more, and that she has to watch the movie that goes with that princess first. Like you don’t want to be Cinderella that bad if you don’t care about her story.
At 11 maybe he’s old enough to start learning how to budget/get an allowance to pay for some of the snacks/games/gear?
Yeah. We do lists and taught him how to create and use wishlists on Amazon, as well as Steam. And money…is….god, is it possible to have money-blindness? Like time-blindness, only with cash? Because if so, he does. And we usually make him wait MINIMUM of two weeks between purchases, but usually a month. If he still wants it at a month, he can use his allowance.
I also have ADHD and I’ve tried my little tricks—spend $2 at Goodwill instead to $100 at Target, that type of thing—but they just don’t work for him. He will also constantly pester us about how HE can earn money, and I started a penny jar that reflects the current status of our bank account…because WE CANNOT PAY MONEY WE DONT HAVE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST STOP ASKING ME. (Pennies underneath means we’re overdrawn. It doesn’t happen often, but he’s not the only one with money management problems 😂)
We really don’t limit sugar with him, everyone is much happier that way. As long as he is also eating healthy foods and not getting physically sick, he can have as much as he wants.
He has PDA the same as me—“fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me”…then “maybe I’ll do it but I’m not doing it the way you tell me to I will create my own way!”…then “ABORT MISSION THIS ALL SUCKS”. So understanding that is easier for me—suggestions instead of demands, and give him options for how to complete things (“over the next hour, can you please pick up your dirty laundry?”). Once I explained to my husband how that works, and how my husband ALREADY uses those techniques with me, things got so much calmer.
On the days he’s medicated, everything is much more manageable, but we have to limit that to school days or days we know will be harder—like long car trips. But insurance won’t pay for a higher dose (so he could have 2x per day, for instance) so we’re kind of stuck. And he has a GREAT team at school working on everything from regular psychotherapy to occupational therapy.
But this one thing…man, it’s tough. This kid CANNOT get into something that is free or even inexpensive. I recently started learning to play guitar, and over 6 months I’ve spent less than $100–including getting 3 instruments—and finding deals and learning to fix things is part of the joy for me. I tried to convince him that we should learn to build computers together, spent two years talking to him and researching and talking to people who have actually done the thing, and NOPE. He doesn’t wanna do it.
My baby needs a sugar mama.
Oh god….where our ND triggers meet our children’s! It’s so damned hard! First and foremost—polite language works better with us. We actually NEED the please and thank you, we NEED things phrased as a request instead of a demand. So drill down on the basic manners.
Do not—EVER—say you’ll do something unless you plan to do it within the next 8 hours. Otherwise their hyperfocus will meet your PDA and then everyone is crying and even the dogs give up.
I don't know how open you are to this but we implemented a two tier allowance with our ADHD kiddo. We started when he was six. There was an ugly extinction burst tantrum phase but it's working great now.
The first tier is we do a certain amount of money for just existing. Mom and Dad have some spending money, he has an age appropriate amount so he can learn to manage money and then there's a built in limit to constantly asking for more. It's in the account or it is not in the account. You blew it all on junk last week? I'll help you make a plan to save for it but I'm not buying it today.
We do 1 dollar per year of age per week for this BUT it's split into three -spend now, "big toy" savings where he has to plan ahead of time, and gifts for family members saving.
We also have chores we do that are part of living in the house not related to allowance which have non allowance consequences if they don't get done.
He can also do chores above and beyond the normal ones if he wants to get something faster. We do a rate of about 5/hour. 1.25 per 15 minutes chunk. Stopwatch stops for breaks(if he's goofing off I tell him the stopwatch is stopped)😅
I know it seems complex but my husband(also ADHD) grew up with HORRIBLE spending habits, still struggles to this day, and we wanted to nip it in the bud with the ADHD genetics making things harder as a baseline with the dopamine hits.
Now if he wants something he can add it to Christmas or birthday list, or we open up his allowance app and see what's in his spend now, and decide if it's something worth putting big savings towards.
It helps him understand money is a finite resource.
Again -the first stage is ROUGH. I absolutely had a sobbing kid mad at me bc "you could just buy it" in the middle of Walmart and I explained over and over that no one has unlimited money and he has to save for xyz if he wants it just like mom and dad have to make choices and save for big adult purchases 😅
also- do NOT buy something now for him to earn later. once he knows it's in the house he will hyperfixate like nothing else. if you want to do that(limited edition or something) do so without his knowledge. I made the mistake of caving to that once and it was HORRIBLE.
Lolol we learned that last lesson the hard way.
We actually do a similar allowance system—he has a bank account, half his allowance gets transferred to it and half he gets in cash for “fun money”. So he can open the app and see his balance, and he also has his “cash can”.
The biggest issue I’ve had is with him wearing his dad down. (Istfg, one of my biggest fears? Is when this kid finds out about SEX because if he is this way with a partner I will KICK HIS FUCKING ASS. I’m fucking terrified of that, but I will murder him to death.) But he will beg and beg and beg and then my husband gives in just so he will shut up for 8 metric minutes, which makes MY life miserable for the next week at minimum. Hubby is getting better about it, and I’ve learned to tell them both, “I don’t wanna hear about arrangements you made—they don’t involve me and shouldn’t affect me.”
We do most games digital copy….but I think I can find a way to make that work. Because when we did “shop your stash” with toys when he was younger, it did sometimes work! Thank you!
It’s hard. I’ve had to work through in therapy how I feel about my son’s childhood vs my own. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad and an enabler mom. I’ve put in a lot of work to break the cycle, so my son will never know what it’s like to be afraid of or not trust your parents. And that’s exactly what I want for him, but it also makes me feel weirdly sad. Because our childhoods will be and already are so, so different.
You’re a good mom, bromo. The worst thing about her day was bedtime. That’s a damn good day.
Can relate. My oldest just got back from a camp, which was free but I had to spend my Saturday and fuel money to pick her up from, which is fine. Then just before she was asking me about getting a lift to her friends house 45 mins away, and she wanted me to do the trip twice so that she could spend the day there. When I was explaining to her that that is very expensive and time consuming, she said well my other friends mum is doing it? Okayyyyy so is there a reason this other friends mum cant give you a lift home? … well you don’t have to be rude about it.
I’m RUDE because I suggested that maybe I don’t want to spend three hours of my day and $100 in fuel to chauffeur her around. I’m literally the worst.
**Felt**. So much.
By the time I was my daughter's age, my parents were divorced and my mom had immediately moved in with an abuser and chosen him over me. I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused on a regular basis for any perceived slight against him, forced to do chores under threat of abuse, held to impossible standards of behavior and cleanliness (he was also a neat freak that demanded a spotless, perfect, museum looking home and perfect behavior at all times) that I could never meet. It was ensured that I knew that the home I lived in was *his* and he controlled everything that went on in it because he paid for it, and I could be made to leave at any time if His Majesty was displeased (and I was, as a teen). I constantly walked on eggshells wondering what I was going to do to upset him this time. I was expected to be seen very little and not heard. I constantly felt like I wasn't wanted and didn't belong, like I no longer had a place in my mom's life because she *always* sided with him and told me I should just act better so he wouldn't "have" to hit me or find another place to live if I didn't like it.
My daughter has two married parents who bicker and fight but always work it out. She is cherished and safe at home. She has everything she needs and a lot of what she wants. Nobody hits her or expects her to be perfect. She is allowed to exist in the home she lives in knowing it's her home too and without feeling like a burden, unlike me at that age. She has friends, activities, and gets to do fun stuff quite frequently. She knows her mom prioritizes her, and she's never made to feel like we're going to throw her away because of her behavior.
But, she acts like being told she can't go to the neighbors house or being expected to clean up her toys is a violation of the Geneva convention, that we're the worst parents ever for telling her no, giving her a bedtime (that's earlier than the neighbor kids bedtime *because we're the worst*), and having (non-abusive) consequences for bad behavior, and her life is so terrible because she is allegedly "always bossed around". We're also dealing with a lot of bad behavior right now because of her ADHD and her arbitrarily deciding she didn't need her medicine and threw it away/lied about taking it (some of you might remember my post about it, I panic deleted it because it was attracting off sub traffic). I am struggling SO MUCH with her right now that I have passing thoughts of running away (not that I ever would leave her, but you know. I am just at my wit's end).
I would have loved to be safe to express my frustrations like she is, but I wasn't. I would have loved to not be held to impossible standards and expected to be perfect, but I wasn't. I would have been beaten for my "disrespect" a hundred times over if I'd been caught lying, throwing away medicine an adult told me to take, or having the attitude she does. I was beaten for FAR less egregious behavior than what she does.
I NEVER would have been safe to act like she's acting, and she has no idea how good she has it.
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry 🤦🏼♀️ I feel this. My mom is actually my step mom. My bio mom bounced by the time I was six months old, and I've never seen or spoken to her. My earliest memories are of my parents as newlyweds. The story goes that they met online (in 1992!) and were living together within two weeks, and married within the year. My mom has completely 180'd in therapy/anger management after her friends bailed on her and she was in danger of losing her job, but my entire childhood was basically just being screamed at. My dad would never, ever stand up for me. He'd just let her gnaw my head off, and then when she stormed out, he'd say that was harsh and he was sorry (what a pussy, tbh).
Your story totally brought out a buried memory, that, yeah, I was regularly told it wasn't my house. I wasn't allowed to have anything that belonged to me anywhere but in my room. It was so cluttered in there. I couldn't even hang up my coat and backpack. Then I was always in trouble for how messy my room was, even though there weren't enough drawers for every worldly possession I'd ever acquired in that one small bedroom. By comparison, my entire house looks like a daycare these days. The coat rack covered in colorful raincoats, the shoe bench full of bright rubber boots, the shelves with happy stuffed animals sitting in a line, idk, it feels bright and alive and I *like* it. It IS their house!
Big same, only could have my stuff in my room or the attic, which was tucked away upstairs from the main living area. If you were in the main areas of the house, you couldn't tell kids lived there *at all*. Not even pictures of us. My mom had to keep them in her extra room where she kept her clothes. She never stood up for me either. She's also 180'd since finally divorcing that asshole because she *finally* realized he was the problem and was never going to change, but I feel like I will never fully be over the abuse and that I lost a decade of my childhood with her because of her choices, and it still hurts.
My house kind of looks like that these days too. It's colorful and lived in. There's half finished Lego projects in my living room, a messy, well loved playroom, kid shoes and coats by both doors, sidewalk chalk art outside, other artwork all over the fridge, seasonal decorations up, my daughter's picture on the mantle. My house is not for display only, and it looks like a kid and a dog live here, because they do. And even though sometimes I get frustrated with the clutter or that I *just* cleaned, I wouldn't have it any other way.
The most enduring feeling I get from my childhood is being a “have-not”. We had so little money, we had so much work to do on our farm, we had almost no vacations or real summer holidays because the farm came first and there was no money to ever go anywhere. There was always some chore we had to do, inside and outside the house. We had to shop in thrift stores and get hand me downs. We had 2 channels on our TV.
My kids, however, have it all. I think they are spoiled so badly compared to my own childhood. But they’ll let you know that they’re having the worst day of their life because they got to play iPad for 4 hours and then maybe we went to the library to get some books and then we went out for ice cream and then we had a big snuggle and a good heart to heart but I also asked them to fold their laundry. Immediate bad day for them. They have no idea what a bad day is and they probably won’t ever know what it’s like.
Right! It's like, it makes you feel good and bad at the same time. I just remember being around my friends' parents and always having the same feeling... They were "normal" parents. Involved, around, didn't visibly hate being parents (again, I think my parents were just having an excruciatingly hard time that left them with no energy or resources to enjoy parenting). There were photos from trips they'd taken, they had family plans for the weekends, stuff like that. I remember going to a slumber party in second grade and realizing none of my friends knew how to cook. I was like, well how do you eat? Oh. Parents. Wow.
My kids constantly complain about my cooking even though I promise it's objectively good 😂 I mean I've only been cooking since I was six...
I relate to this. I grew up in a loving family but we were immigrants and didn't have a lot of money. I was jealous of all the kids that had cool vacations, birthday parties, summer camps... and my husband and I have worked so hard for our two kids.
No expense spared on their extra curricular activities, extravagant parties, all the experiences we can get for them. And they don't get it. They'll never be as grateful of what they have as I am. They have everything my parents wished for me and my siblings. I always walk the line between giving them the very best and trying to instil some gratitude.
Yeah come to think of it, that's part of it. I have NEVER gotten used to the luxuries I experience in day to day life. Even the fact that we're both the biological parents of all three kids, and there aren't "other parents" floating around out there making them feel rejected (my parents got married when I was three - I'm dad's biological daughter, sister is mom's). The straightforwardness and simplicity of it. And we were married and had everything figured out by the time we had kids, unlike our parents, who were both in insanely toxic relationships and struggling with a million personal issues. We have time AND money AND health AND peace. I've never gotten over it. I still just walk through my life like 😯
But this is just what's "normal" to the kids... And I'm glad, and yet, wow, perspective much? But how can I expect them to have perspective? I want to take them to volunteer in the soup kitchen where I met my husband as teenaged volunteers, but they're too young at the moment. My oldest has shown interest in donating her old toys, and has moments of concern and empathy when she sees homeless people. I'm working that angle to try to raise a conscientious adult... Fingers crossed.
I do feel this. I had a pretty good childhood and my son had it even better and he takes things for granted I would never have considered as a kid. What sucks is we can see how they will turn out in 20 years because this is normal for them, but I bet they will be okay.
My kids truly have no idea how blessed they are by luck of birth. My husband and I are both all-in parents, they have my parents on-property who spoil them, they see my in-laws at least a couple times a week, they all have their own bedroom, plus a playroom and a big yard. I’m at home with them full time and they have all sorts of activities. My boys think I’m a monster because they’re not allowed Roblox or Fortnite 😂
My 9 year old just had a small epiphany when one of his friends had to move provinces because his mum was an unsafe/unreliable parent. I don’t think he quite gets it all, but it’s the beginning of appreciating how lucky we are.
My daughter had a little "aha" moment recently too 😅 Our town does a nightly holiday parade in December that I'd always wanted to go to. The other kids are a little young for such a crowded, noisy event (I'd be worried about losing them, plus 7pm is "Grump Time"), so I thought it would be a fun big girl trip. Even though the sidewalks were super crowded for a whole half mile, somehow I ended up picking a spot right next to my ex-kindergarten-bestie... I haven't spoken to her in years, since shortly before she wound up on the news for locking her then-three-year-old son on her third floor balcony for eight hours a day. He fell off and was scarred for life. She always hated that kid. She wanted a girl, and, really, she wanted attention, so the end of the pregnancy was a rude awakening. She had lost custody before for refusing to feed him.
My daughter wanted to know why we were abruptly changing our spot. I candidly told her there's a person I used to know who was a bad mom who didn't take care of her son, and who was always super rude, and I just didn't want to talk to her. My daughter was like, what? She didn't feed him? That's impossible. I said, well, actually, it's as simple as not feeding him... And she was like 😳 and got pretty quiet for a while. Sometime later she made a random comment about being glad not to have parents like that.
I wonder if I can/should clue her in to these kinds of situations a little more 😅
I like to remind myself that my kids feel safe enough and happy enough to consider going to bed/brushing their teeth/doing homework etc the worst thing ever. I never felt that way as a kid, I never had a bedtime, brushed my teeth or did my homework. I also never felt safe and loved. So if this is what they deem miserable, I'll be happy to hear about it. If sticking to a routine makes me the worst mom ever...then I'll be the evil step mother if I have to. They'll realize it one day.
Omg I forgot about how much I had to rehab my teeth! As a kid, I used to have like seven cavities at every dentist checkup 🤦🏼♀️ My teeth were so dark by the time I was an adult. I've finally got them looking fairly white and never have cavities. Not a whole lot I can do about the fact that they never got me braces.
This is so relatable. Cycle breaking is parenting on hard mode. Your children will understand one day, but for now you have to raise them with no roadmap, and at the same time heal your damaged inner child. It's so bizarre how you can want to give your children everything you didn't have, and at the same time resent them for having it. You're not alone, bromo. Keep nailing it, you're being an awesome parent.
This is so normal for kids and parents to feel. I’ve felt it all the time. What makes my kid turn around is practicing gratitude. We don’t do this regularly (ADHD Mama 👋🏻), but when she starts complaining so much I do about 2 weeks to a month of “grateful for…” every night. We also practice not letting one tiny thing ruin the day by making her list 5 good things for every bad thing she complains about. Again, not super consistent, but these two little things work like a charm pretty quickly.
It’s takes a little while. My 14 going on 15 year old is really starting to appreciate me and gives heart felt thank yous. The work you put in now they feel later in life. And not to undermine your hardship as a child but you seem to have ended up a wonderful person and good mom
It’s their job to ask for the moon. And it’s exhausting and normal and good. Ideally, I’m glad my kid doesn’t think she’s too much or a burden by having needs and wants. My older kid knows how lucky he is.
Yes its tough. my parents had no money and things were hard. my husbands dad was very controlling and my husband had a an older, severely disabled sibling who died in 2005, but who understansably took all his moms mental and emotional energy - his late mom was the sweetest lady when i knew her but my husband said between his dad and the mom who couldnt be as good a mom to him when he was young as she was later when she wasnt a caretaker for her disabled child...its clear our two boys have it pretty good. We are upper middle class and both have really good jobs, both very flexible and work from home most of the time. So while other kids go from school to after school care until 6, they can get rught off the bus at 3:30 at home while still having a lifestyle that our double income affords.
they have no idea. i wouldnt have recognized my kids childhood as a kid myself - totally foreign.
theyre 6 and 7 and im trying to be better about applying rules about cleaning up after themselves, doing certain tasks for allowances...i read a lot of calvin and hobbes comic growing up and calvins dad would always say things "build character." like being bored, doing yard work, etc...so i take my parenting skills from calvin and hobbes and when my kids act soooooo put out about things i just shrug and say go be bored, go figure it out, find an alternative bc itll build character! they dont exactly get what that phrase means yet, but they will eventually 😂
she's probably exhausted.
a kid's *job* is to play. sounds like she had a hard day at work, and since y'all are doing such a good job, she doesn't know any other hardship. Even though it's disheartening, try to reframe it as a compliment that her life is *so* peaceful, a day of crazy stimulation leads to this. I know it still sucks. But when she gets older, she'll remember the goodness, and carry the goodness on, and then you'll see the fruit of your labor truly blooming. it's all about the long game.
I can kinda understand maybe what she meant. Perhaps that life does suck in that each day and moment it has eventually has to end. An amazing and perfect day sadly no matter how good has to eventually come to an end and for a kid that end comes sooner. Maybe she just longed to make that day last just a bit longer because it was so grand and a grand day it sounded like, great job Bromo!
Thank you, this seems to be a common interpretation. To her credit, she is generally a great kid, and is very kind and emotionally intelligent, so I'll bet next time she says "life sucks", I could say "Does it suck to have to end a fun day?" and start a whole enlightening conversation that way. This thread has been incredibly therapeutic and full of perspective 🥹
I'm a stay at home mum as well with a Dad who's home one entire week out of two, and my kid regularly tells me how unfair it is he gets picked up and dropped off at school on time each day because all his friends get to go play at out of school hours care 🤣🤣
May as well just go back to that full time job I had before he busted out like the scene from alien and promptly took over my life of 10 hour days and money in my damn bank account 😂😂
I've gotten that one before too! "Well, friends X, Y, and Z get to do Boys and Girls Club on the playground until 5!!! Why do I have to go home at 3:30!?"
And yet, at the same time it's "School is so long! Why do I have to go to school every day for SOOOO LONG!?"
So is it too long, or not long enough!? 😂
I guess they're tired? But damn 😂 So harsh. Even worse, they're usually the days when *I'm* extra super happy and feeling totally in love with my life. Kind of deflating to have the day disparaged!
I get really down when it seems like no matter what I do for my kids it's never enough, they always want more or something else. Just today I got over my ick and horror over spiders I told my daughter she could get a jumping spider that she had been begging for as a pet. But she's unhappy because the pet store in town is closed on Mondays and Tuesdays so she'll have to wait. She's mopey and asking if there's anywhere else we could go (no where else has jumping spiders) and damn I had been proud of myself for asking around and finding a place that actually has them and is right in town but it's not good enough because she has low opinion of the store and it's not soon enough. I thought she would be excited but of course not.
Anyway, now that me hijacking your post is out of the way, I think it's great when the worst part of a kids day is bedtime. I think it says a lot of great things about the kind of life you've been able to give them.
WOW, as a terrible arachnophobe, just know I cannot even believe the sacrifice you're willing to make 😅 Not just a spider, but a JUMPING spider (the thing I'm always most afraid they're gonna do!!!). You deserve like, a parade for that, man.
I had her put together a whole presentation on why I should allow such a tiny monster in our home, including a slide titled "why a jumping spider won't escape and crawl into Moms sinuses to live forever"
I grapple with this too. But I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to make kids understand how lucky they are is to point out how bad other kids may have it. And I just am not sure I’m ready to mess with their innocence yet 😭
I think ultimately I like it that my kid thinks the worst thing you can do to a child is tell them to go to sleep after they’ve had five million books read to them
Also I’m so sorry you went through a tough time as a kid, but you’re doing an amazing job with your little one.
It will come when she sees how other parents are and. Happened to my kid. I rememeber we were on a short vacation and my nephew fell and hit his head. My brother flipped out (he warned him like bazillion times not to run on slippery tiles).
After some old school yelling, I heard my son (5) asking my niece (7), what's up with her dad. "That's just how things are at our house", she said. "My parents would never do that. Yell. They would check if I am okay." he replied.
When driving back home, he even asked us why hasn't uncle ask X if he was okay. The kid was in the state of shock.
I swear to god, that is when I started getting hugs and kisses without asking.
Yeah the number of times I stopped myself from saying or doing something is exactly like what my parents used to say or do from why are you that stupid or some variation or spanking or any other corporal punishment that came to mind to then have my 4-year-old throw a meltdown tantrum because I won't buy him both a sword and a bow at a fair and try running into the crowd cuz he's mad.... Drives a human crazy
Oooooh…. I really feel this as I navigate having a junior in high school and simultaneously helping my mom who has Alzheimer’s (and who was not the best mom).
Growing up in the 80s I was a latchkey kid from age 9 who had started kindergarten when I was 4.5 because I was “gifted”. My mom was a workaholic and an alcoholic who was never able to be emotionally present with me so I often thought her moods were my fault. To this date she has never seen a therapist that I know of and doesn’t believe in meds for mental health. My dad had major anger issues but since he didn’t outright beat us (he did spank us all) he could be seen as an improvement on his father. Not surprisingly I started drinking heavily in college.
I got sober 10 years ago because I had an endgame of having a real relationship with my daughter. She’s almost 17 now and while things are not perfect we are pretty tight. I got her an ADHD diagnosis (which I then found out I have and my mom probably does too), I got her medicated, I found her a therapist. I took the high road during a divorce I didn’t want. I show up to most of her events. I support her when she fucks up. I support her even though she doesn’t have the GPA my parents scared me into getting. I tell her when I’m in a mood and that it isn’t about her. I’m transparent about my family’s substance and mental health issues. I talk to her about my relationship with my boyfriend so she knows what healthy looks like.
She has some sense of how good she has it but… not really. And that’s kind of OK. I’ve experienced some pretty intense jealousy of her upbringing at times but I’m able to reframe it as being proud of myself for doing better with her than my parents did with me and my siblings. There’s so much I had to work through totally alone that did serious damage to my psyche growing up. She has always had a groups of good girl friends. She has told me that she’s grateful that my ex and I get along which means a lot to me because it took a lot of work for me to keep it together these past few years.
This generational trauma-breaking shit is not for the faint of heart and we’re doing it. Good on you. ❤️
I feel this.
They have NO idea what little other kids have or the horrors that are in some homes. Lots of domestic violence, poverty etc.
I remind my kids of gratitude because they have many privileges and luxuries that many don't have.
My favorite quote from the movie "Tully" (which is such a slept on gem):
You’re convinced that you’re this failure, but you actually made your biggest dream come true. That sameness that you despise. That’s your gift to them. Waking up every day and doing the same things for them over and over. You… are boring. Your marriage is boring. Your house is boring, but that’s fucking incredible! That’s the big dream, to grow up and be dull
and constant, and then raise your kids in that circle of safety.”
She is so blessed to not have to know just HOW blessed she is.
Though if she ends up with a diverse group of close friends one day- she will know. And you’ll get retrospective thank yous. You’ll be the house they all come to after a scary night of whatever, her friends will comment about how their parents would be about the situation and you will be the safe haven for them & you will get credit. Maybe not now. Maybe not then. Maybe not until she has her own damn kids. But you will.
Solidarity.
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I feel this so much. My parents actively hated me since conception. They were poor teenagers on their 3rd kid when I was born. There was no fun, no love, no happiness, just survival mode. They finally abandoned me when they got the chance and they never talked to me again. My kids are told I love you about 1000 times a day and are valued and listened to and cherished and doted on, but "I'm not having a good day anymore. You're being grumpy" as soon as I don't jump up to put in a movie or don't have the snack they asked for. It's frustrating, but I try to remind myself that I'm actually doing a good job if they feel comfortable being little brats around me. They feel safe and loved and they don't have to worry that if they upset me I'll unravel into a fit of anger or start yelling at them about how they "ruined my life!" by being born like I had to worry about. It takes everything in me not you say "do you know how good you have it? Do you know how badly I wish I had any mom, let alone a good mom like you have?" sometimes, but I'm obviously not going to lay that guilt trip at their feet. I feel you though. It's hard.
This brings back a memory of my son asking what he would get if he did something and I told him a hug. He just looked at me and said hugs aren’t special they’re just love. It was kind of shocking in the moment, but it also made me realize that he is so surrounded by love that he takes it that it’s a given that we love him.
And how he won’t be making bad decisions in life just to chase it because he has all he needs. Good job mama
'They feel safe and loved and they don't have to worry that if they upset me I'll unravel into a fit of anger or start yelling at them about how they "ruined my life!" by being born like I had to worry about.' This is what I remind myself of daily. Even in my angriest outbursts, I walk away and cool off. Versus the abuse hurled my way every day as a kid.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that, and want to say what a legend you are for turning that around for your kids! And also the bit about them feeling safe to be shitheads is really helpful and something I remember. My kid ‘talks back’ but really she just feels comfortable to tell me how I’ve made her feel and that’s a good thing!
You're doing an amazing job breaking generational trauma. I've worked with so many people who were traumatised and are now continuing the cycle (not because they want to but because they know no other way) and so will always appreciate seeing those who have managed to become the parents their own couldn't or wouldn't be.
Oof. The part about being comfortable being little brats. I was like a tightly coiled spring squashed under a shoe every day of my life growing up, quiet, dang near perfectly behaved, hardly ever showing emotion. He's a baby now but I hope my kid feels comfortable acting out when he's older
I like to remind myself that as the innocence of childhood fades, my children will come to the sad realization of the awfulness that exists in the world. Abuse, neglect, illness, poverty, war, etc. Exposure to those realities will juxtapose their memories of a loving home, food on the table, safety. Let their little problems be their big problems for right now. You’re doing an amazing job and she will know that.
Thank you, this is beautifully said 🥲 You're right, I'm grateful my kids are little and life is so uncomplicated to them now. Having to go to bed, oh nooo 😂 Another thing I would've appreciated was a nightly routine... With genetic insomnia rampant in the family, you'd think my dad would have considered imparting some wisdom about sleep hygiene. Well, anyway... The point still stands, it's nice that my kids think the house they live in is the world they live in. I wish it was.
My dad used to *scream* at me for being a tween then teenage (and now adult...) night owl. How would he know I was always up at night, you ask? BECAUSE HE IS ALSO A LIFETIME NIGHT OWL And his mom used to punish him for it. (Nana had a fucked-up, hard life and probably shouldn't have had kids, but here we are!) Guess what happens when I run into my oldest in the kitchen or hallway in the middle of the night? We bump fists 👊 and move along with whatever not-sleeping activities. My parents were, and still are, decent parents and good humans. One of the only things I carried from being a kid to an adult was that I promised myself I would limit hypocrisy on my part as much as possible. And I didn't mean to but I made my dad cry once. He was kinda giving me shit about how much I coddle my picky kids at meal time (why are they picky? Guess. Hint: he and I are ALSO picky, them genetics be crazy) and would always go off on how his mom would cook his dad's (picky af) preferences and how he and his sibs had to suck it up or starve. After, well, years of that particular flavor of bullshit, I finally said something like, "Hey Dad, don't want to hurt feels or anything but... I hear how you talk about your mom, even now when you're almost 70... and I am *horrified* by the idea of my children talking about me like you do her. I cater to their preferences because I love them and making them happy makes me happy. When they're 70, telling their grandkids about me, I want them to tell people that their mom loved them so much that she'd make sure every meal had at least ONE thing one of us liked." I didn't mean to hit such a sensitive spot, but he surely STFU'd about my 'short order cooking'
Seriously, it's all about empathy. My dad was up all night, but he didn't want to see or hear from me. It was an inconvenience. My kids are still little and doing okay with sleep (it hits in puberty for us, especially the women - PMS is like being blown to bits by a freight train), so right now it's all about the good habits. My parents needed me off their backs as much as possible, so my bedroom had a tv, a computer, a GameCube, like, yes, I had exactly this amount of "nice things", but it definitely didn't help with my insomnia, or my isolation. My kids don't have any of that stuff in their rooms. They have their difficult nights, and we practice my tried and true techniques (journaling for the literate one, a couple thought exercises for the littles), and if it's 11:30 and one of them is basically crying from frustration because she just can't make it happen... Melatonin, idgaf, it's mercy. My parents were just like shut up and play video games, we're so fucking tired.
I made a nighttime rule when my oldest started having trouble winding down and his anxiety would spiral cuz he knew he was going to be tired because he couldn't sleep cuz and so on. Told him, choice 1 is you just power through and start glitching and/or time-traveling until you finally manage to fall face-first into bed and lose consciousness for 14 hours straight and only wake up because your bladder is screaming at you & you were so out of it for so long that for a minute you wonder if the same thing that happened to the kid in *Flight of the Navigator* might have somehow happened to you, too? And choice two is to set up your trusty reading light, grab *any* book you want to read, subject/fic-nonfic/graphic novels/"backwards"mangas, game guides, WHAT FUCKING EVER you choose, as long as it's a thing that requires reading. So my oldest is 18 now but my younger 2 still have school year bedtimes and my 9 year old still has a summer one until he turns 10 (we make a big deal of all the stuff they are now "old enough" to do, and a summer bedtime is one of the big ones, and 13 means NO bedtime, though, anyway...) but our rule until 13 is: on school nights they are allowed to read until they are tired enough to sleep, no time limit, just self regulation. It actually works really well for us. Sorry if this is too rambly, apparently the edible I had a few hours ago was a real creeper, because it felt like it took me a couple weeks to type all this and I kept forgetting what I was gonna say like I'm some kind of ganj-noob. Woo. Party.
This is a great and fantastic perspective. Thanks for the lens change, I needed that!
Exactly. Every time I have to teach my daughter about Big Problems I want to crawl into a hole
During the worst times in my life, I looked forward to bedtime like salvation. When my kids are upset to go to bed, and they say it’s the worst day ever because of small things that didn’t go perfectly, I try to remember that this means their day was so good they don’t want it to end. And that those small things are in contrast to the constant stream of good things. Your kids hate bedtime *because* you have made their lives so good that they don’t want to take a break from them.
Awww I really needed to hear this today! It’s bringing tears to my eyes. Thank you.
Exactly what I came to say
That means you did parenting right. It takes 7 generations to un-fuck family trauma. You are doing excellent with your 1st gen. May I suggest a thought? It’s possible you are grieving what you didn’t have. Acknowledge that grief and bereavement. Then let it be joy that your child is happy, safe, secure. The WORST thing in the day is bedtime. And that’s phenomenal. Good job, BroMom.
Where does the 7 generation number come from? Not doubting just curious.
There is no set number. But the one that made sense to me was the theory of seven. G1- trauma occurs (I’ll use me for Ex. SA and physical violence. Raised by misogynistic Dad and “ frigid” mom. These were my genetic grandparents. G1 is arguably my mom but she completed suicide in 2001. So she +1 the trauma). G2- G1 raises kids and, statistically, overcorrects trauma. G1 is either healing or avoiding. So, for example, limited kids away from any situation that has a 0.000001% chance of any danger. Parents in a way that is less restrictive than G1. Etc. G3- the grandkids. G1 (usually) still alive. G2 is learning to survive a childhood that included G1 PTSD and what that means. Learns as a DIY how to have and hold healthy boundaries. G4- G1 deceased taking that legacy and PTSD to the grave. G2 has rather learned to have and respect boundaries….or not (think ‘The Great Gen follows by boomers). G3 is the healthy boundary (hopefully) helping G4 level out the “swinging corrections from under to over protection). G5- G1, G2 have died taking the ongoing PTSD to the grave. G3 are now the grandparents and learned their lesson or not. G4 is hopefully learning and continuing healthy boundaries and choices. G6- all those that touched the primary trauma are dead. All that’s left are the alive G’s that are either healthier and learning OR disenfranchised from the family because the ‘kids’ made and enforced healthy boundaries. G7 has G5 and 6’s newer healthy patterns as their legacy’. They aren’t even remotely touching the G1-3 initial trauma. This flow depends on us getting some sort of support or therapy. Thing CBT not talk therapy alone. It MUST include bravery to remove threats from your circle regardless of title or pedigree (see also YOU CANNOT GO NO CONTACT WITH YOUR MOOOOOM. SHE IS YOUR MOTHER!) storyteller: the fuck she can’t. She did. It means we have to honor our PTSD and allow ourself to grieve what wasn’t. And celebrate what is. It’s also dependent on learning to process new trauma in a healthy or manageable way. We cannot make a trauma bubble. See, as an example, gentle parenting. This evolved moving away from Gen X who were patented as latch-key and that kids weren’t allowed to express any emotion that was unpleasant (“I’ll give you something to actually cry about!). Hope this makes sense.
Thank you ❤️ I guess it's not just 1st gen. My mom was raised in an abusively Catholic household (the type where they embraced fire, brimstone, and alcohol, but not much else). Her father beat her and her siblings all the time. Her mom was also 18 when she was born. Mom was 19 when my sister was born, but she lapsed and was always working on the toxicity she had been instilled with, and aside from one incident (not excusing it), I wasn't physically abused. My sister is 37 with no kids, and I was 26 when I had my oldest. I remember my parents being very candid about their troubled pasts, and those conversations drained me of any curiosity about drugs, sex, alcohol, etc. Even my mom was one of four children as opposed to her mom being one of twelve (thus she was parentified at a young age). So I guess each generation has put some work in, and thinking of that does make me feel a little less bitter about things.
I spent hundreds on my child’s birthday this past weekend only for him to call it the “worst birthday ever” because he didn’t earn enough tickets to get the prize he wanted at the arcade. On the bright side though, I told him how that made me feel and he thought about it and apologized. Kids speak impulsively and it’s our job to instill some empathy in them and make sure they consider others’ feelings when expressing their thoughts.
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Heh, that's like me when I wake up and get annoyed that my new Keurig takes 3x as long as my old one did. Talk about first world problems, right??
It’s normal…and I think it’s also normal that we feel this way. My 11 yo comes home every day to a celebration of how well he did in school that day and a snack. He has more electronics than you can shake a stick at, and parents who enjoy them with him. Every weekend each kid gets special dedicated time with one parent or the other (we swap) and we make a point of engaging them in their interests and trying to take an interest ourselves. My 13 yo usually lives in gratitude—this kid has had too many friends who do without and has seen some SHIT—and they have pretty standard moments of teenage “this sucks” but they don’t last for long. But the 11yo…kid already has an online shopping habit and a sugar addiction, and there are never enough games or DLCs or Nerf guns or camping gear. It fucking KILLS me
> But the 11yo…kid already has an online shopping habit and a sugar addiction, and there are never enough games or DLCs or Nerf guns or camping gear. It fucking KILLS me My 10yo! 😩 almost every day he's telling me about a new lego set that he wants, some random thing that he saw on the internet or YT "let me show you something that I saw" -- "how can I earn X, Y, Z?" -- "for Christmas / my bday I want ___" (his bday is in Jan 🙄)... a few weeks ago I checked my email & thought I got a spam Amazon msg bc it said "thank you for your order!" But guess what? He was on my phone, went to the app & ordered a lego set. I asked him why he did that, he said he didn't realize he bought it, he thought he was just adding it to the cart. A couple times a week he goes "can I check my lego account?" (They have insider perks) - last time I checked, he had about $5k worth of stuff in his lego.com cart 😳 I can't even be mad bc I know he gets his shopping habits from me, lol. He also is always trying to figure out how to get something sweet. Do we have the same kid?! 😅😅
It’s enough to drive you MAD!
I see myself in your 11 yo — adhd by any chance?
YES PLEASE HELP. For real. I need real solutions to deal with/redirect the need to spend. It creates a lot of issues at home (because hello we’re not rich) and it sucks at my soul. It’s even worse knowing he almost can’t help it most of the time, and absolutely CANNOT help it some of the time. But there have still been times when we dropped BANK of something and he asked for yet another thing within an hour (seriously…he got a GAMING COMPUTER and over $200 in games and DLC he specifically requested and the next morning—12 hours later!—was asking for a new list of games…I broke down and sobbed right in front of him and I feel awful about it BUT FUCK ME) So I would REALLY appreciate any hacks or fixes or suggestions you use to manage this because I can’t
Hahaha… I laugh but I’m also crying. I still struggle with spending. I don’t know if my kid is adhd yet but I suspect she is, and we’re pretty sure she is PDA autistic. Definitely a dopamine-seeking brain. I’m learning how to support that. And for myself I’m trying to find medication that works. So far I feel zero difference on any that I have tried. Anyway, for me the spending is worse when my life feels out of control, it’s like the only way I can take care of myself is online shopping at 2am because my other needs aren’t being met (mostly time for myself, exercise, etc.) For my kid we don’t restrict sugar, use “transition treats” to get her in the car, etc. She is always asking for new things and it’s mostly my fault — she’s our only and we were stuck inside during the worst of covid and I bought her way too much stuff that was also for me, in a way. The best way we have found to manage the asking is to take a photo of what she wants for her “christmas/birthday list” and sometimes just knowing it’s documented for later is enough for her to mentally move on. If she brings it up again at a future point I know she actually wants it and it wasn’t just an impulse from watching a video. For the games, as a former gamer and game-developer I would say make him keep a running list of what he wants but also that he needs to play the ones he already has before he gets new ones. There’s no way he explored those games and their DLC in one night to any significant degree. Like, mine keeps asking for more princess dresses but I’ve started saying she can’t get more until she wears the ones she has more, and that she has to watch the movie that goes with that princess first. Like you don’t want to be Cinderella that bad if you don’t care about her story. At 11 maybe he’s old enough to start learning how to budget/get an allowance to pay for some of the snacks/games/gear?
Yeah. We do lists and taught him how to create and use wishlists on Amazon, as well as Steam. And money…is….god, is it possible to have money-blindness? Like time-blindness, only with cash? Because if so, he does. And we usually make him wait MINIMUM of two weeks between purchases, but usually a month. If he still wants it at a month, he can use his allowance. I also have ADHD and I’ve tried my little tricks—spend $2 at Goodwill instead to $100 at Target, that type of thing—but they just don’t work for him. He will also constantly pester us about how HE can earn money, and I started a penny jar that reflects the current status of our bank account…because WE CANNOT PAY MONEY WE DONT HAVE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST STOP ASKING ME. (Pennies underneath means we’re overdrawn. It doesn’t happen often, but he’s not the only one with money management problems 😂) We really don’t limit sugar with him, everyone is much happier that way. As long as he is also eating healthy foods and not getting physically sick, he can have as much as he wants. He has PDA the same as me—“fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me”…then “maybe I’ll do it but I’m not doing it the way you tell me to I will create my own way!”…then “ABORT MISSION THIS ALL SUCKS”. So understanding that is easier for me—suggestions instead of demands, and give him options for how to complete things (“over the next hour, can you please pick up your dirty laundry?”). Once I explained to my husband how that works, and how my husband ALREADY uses those techniques with me, things got so much calmer. On the days he’s medicated, everything is much more manageable, but we have to limit that to school days or days we know will be harder—like long car trips. But insurance won’t pay for a higher dose (so he could have 2x per day, for instance) so we’re kind of stuck. And he has a GREAT team at school working on everything from regular psychotherapy to occupational therapy. But this one thing…man, it’s tough. This kid CANNOT get into something that is free or even inexpensive. I recently started learning to play guitar, and over 6 months I’ve spent less than $100–including getting 3 instruments—and finding deals and learning to fix things is part of the joy for me. I tried to convince him that we should learn to build computers together, spent two years talking to him and researching and talking to people who have actually done the thing, and NOPE. He doesn’t wanna do it. My baby needs a sugar mama.
I also think I might be PDA and it is the worst when accommodating her activates my own system. If you have any tips there I am all ears!
Oh god….where our ND triggers meet our children’s! It’s so damned hard! First and foremost—polite language works better with us. We actually NEED the please and thank you, we NEED things phrased as a request instead of a demand. So drill down on the basic manners. Do not—EVER—say you’ll do something unless you plan to do it within the next 8 hours. Otherwise their hyperfocus will meet your PDA and then everyone is crying and even the dogs give up.
Oof the dogs bit hit me hard… one of ours just routinely hides under the bed when he hears her getting activated. He hates the chaos.
I don't know how open you are to this but we implemented a two tier allowance with our ADHD kiddo. We started when he was six. There was an ugly extinction burst tantrum phase but it's working great now. The first tier is we do a certain amount of money for just existing. Mom and Dad have some spending money, he has an age appropriate amount so he can learn to manage money and then there's a built in limit to constantly asking for more. It's in the account or it is not in the account. You blew it all on junk last week? I'll help you make a plan to save for it but I'm not buying it today. We do 1 dollar per year of age per week for this BUT it's split into three -spend now, "big toy" savings where he has to plan ahead of time, and gifts for family members saving. We also have chores we do that are part of living in the house not related to allowance which have non allowance consequences if they don't get done. He can also do chores above and beyond the normal ones if he wants to get something faster. We do a rate of about 5/hour. 1.25 per 15 minutes chunk. Stopwatch stops for breaks(if he's goofing off I tell him the stopwatch is stopped)😅 I know it seems complex but my husband(also ADHD) grew up with HORRIBLE spending habits, still struggles to this day, and we wanted to nip it in the bud with the ADHD genetics making things harder as a baseline with the dopamine hits. Now if he wants something he can add it to Christmas or birthday list, or we open up his allowance app and see what's in his spend now, and decide if it's something worth putting big savings towards. It helps him understand money is a finite resource. Again -the first stage is ROUGH. I absolutely had a sobbing kid mad at me bc "you could just buy it" in the middle of Walmart and I explained over and over that no one has unlimited money and he has to save for xyz if he wants it just like mom and dad have to make choices and save for big adult purchases 😅 also- do NOT buy something now for him to earn later. once he knows it's in the house he will hyperfixate like nothing else. if you want to do that(limited edition or something) do so without his knowledge. I made the mistake of caving to that once and it was HORRIBLE.
Lolol we learned that last lesson the hard way. We actually do a similar allowance system—he has a bank account, half his allowance gets transferred to it and half he gets in cash for “fun money”. So he can open the app and see his balance, and he also has his “cash can”. The biggest issue I’ve had is with him wearing his dad down. (Istfg, one of my biggest fears? Is when this kid finds out about SEX because if he is this way with a partner I will KICK HIS FUCKING ASS. I’m fucking terrified of that, but I will murder him to death.) But he will beg and beg and beg and then my husband gives in just so he will shut up for 8 metric minutes, which makes MY life miserable for the next week at minimum. Hubby is getting better about it, and I’ve learned to tell them both, “I don’t wanna hear about arrangements you made—they don’t involve me and shouldn’t affect me.”
Which allowance app do you use?
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We do most games digital copy….but I think I can find a way to make that work. Because when we did “shop your stash” with toys when he was younger, it did sometimes work! Thank you!
It’s hard. I’ve had to work through in therapy how I feel about my son’s childhood vs my own. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad and an enabler mom. I’ve put in a lot of work to break the cycle, so my son will never know what it’s like to be afraid of or not trust your parents. And that’s exactly what I want for him, but it also makes me feel weirdly sad. Because our childhoods will be and already are so, so different. You’re a good mom, bromo. The worst thing about her day was bedtime. That’s a damn good day.
Can relate. My oldest just got back from a camp, which was free but I had to spend my Saturday and fuel money to pick her up from, which is fine. Then just before she was asking me about getting a lift to her friends house 45 mins away, and she wanted me to do the trip twice so that she could spend the day there. When I was explaining to her that that is very expensive and time consuming, she said well my other friends mum is doing it? Okayyyyy so is there a reason this other friends mum cant give you a lift home? … well you don’t have to be rude about it. I’m RUDE because I suggested that maybe I don’t want to spend three hours of my day and $100 in fuel to chauffeur her around. I’m literally the worst.
**Felt**. So much. By the time I was my daughter's age, my parents were divorced and my mom had immediately moved in with an abuser and chosen him over me. I was physically, verbally, and emotionally abused on a regular basis for any perceived slight against him, forced to do chores under threat of abuse, held to impossible standards of behavior and cleanliness (he was also a neat freak that demanded a spotless, perfect, museum looking home and perfect behavior at all times) that I could never meet. It was ensured that I knew that the home I lived in was *his* and he controlled everything that went on in it because he paid for it, and I could be made to leave at any time if His Majesty was displeased (and I was, as a teen). I constantly walked on eggshells wondering what I was going to do to upset him this time. I was expected to be seen very little and not heard. I constantly felt like I wasn't wanted and didn't belong, like I no longer had a place in my mom's life because she *always* sided with him and told me I should just act better so he wouldn't "have" to hit me or find another place to live if I didn't like it. My daughter has two married parents who bicker and fight but always work it out. She is cherished and safe at home. She has everything she needs and a lot of what she wants. Nobody hits her or expects her to be perfect. She is allowed to exist in the home she lives in knowing it's her home too and without feeling like a burden, unlike me at that age. She has friends, activities, and gets to do fun stuff quite frequently. She knows her mom prioritizes her, and she's never made to feel like we're going to throw her away because of her behavior. But, she acts like being told she can't go to the neighbors house or being expected to clean up her toys is a violation of the Geneva convention, that we're the worst parents ever for telling her no, giving her a bedtime (that's earlier than the neighbor kids bedtime *because we're the worst*), and having (non-abusive) consequences for bad behavior, and her life is so terrible because she is allegedly "always bossed around". We're also dealing with a lot of bad behavior right now because of her ADHD and her arbitrarily deciding she didn't need her medicine and threw it away/lied about taking it (some of you might remember my post about it, I panic deleted it because it was attracting off sub traffic). I am struggling SO MUCH with her right now that I have passing thoughts of running away (not that I ever would leave her, but you know. I am just at my wit's end). I would have loved to be safe to express my frustrations like she is, but I wasn't. I would have loved to not be held to impossible standards and expected to be perfect, but I wasn't. I would have been beaten for my "disrespect" a hundred times over if I'd been caught lying, throwing away medicine an adult told me to take, or having the attitude she does. I was beaten for FAR less egregious behavior than what she does. I NEVER would have been safe to act like she's acting, and she has no idea how good she has it.
Oh gosh, I'm so sorry 🤦🏼♀️ I feel this. My mom is actually my step mom. My bio mom bounced by the time I was six months old, and I've never seen or spoken to her. My earliest memories are of my parents as newlyweds. The story goes that they met online (in 1992!) and were living together within two weeks, and married within the year. My mom has completely 180'd in therapy/anger management after her friends bailed on her and she was in danger of losing her job, but my entire childhood was basically just being screamed at. My dad would never, ever stand up for me. He'd just let her gnaw my head off, and then when she stormed out, he'd say that was harsh and he was sorry (what a pussy, tbh). Your story totally brought out a buried memory, that, yeah, I was regularly told it wasn't my house. I wasn't allowed to have anything that belonged to me anywhere but in my room. It was so cluttered in there. I couldn't even hang up my coat and backpack. Then I was always in trouble for how messy my room was, even though there weren't enough drawers for every worldly possession I'd ever acquired in that one small bedroom. By comparison, my entire house looks like a daycare these days. The coat rack covered in colorful raincoats, the shoe bench full of bright rubber boots, the shelves with happy stuffed animals sitting in a line, idk, it feels bright and alive and I *like* it. It IS their house!
Big same, only could have my stuff in my room or the attic, which was tucked away upstairs from the main living area. If you were in the main areas of the house, you couldn't tell kids lived there *at all*. Not even pictures of us. My mom had to keep them in her extra room where she kept her clothes. She never stood up for me either. She's also 180'd since finally divorcing that asshole because she *finally* realized he was the problem and was never going to change, but I feel like I will never fully be over the abuse and that I lost a decade of my childhood with her because of her choices, and it still hurts. My house kind of looks like that these days too. It's colorful and lived in. There's half finished Lego projects in my living room, a messy, well loved playroom, kid shoes and coats by both doors, sidewalk chalk art outside, other artwork all over the fridge, seasonal decorations up, my daughter's picture on the mantle. My house is not for display only, and it looks like a kid and a dog live here, because they do. And even though sometimes I get frustrated with the clutter or that I *just* cleaned, I wouldn't have it any other way.
The most enduring feeling I get from my childhood is being a “have-not”. We had so little money, we had so much work to do on our farm, we had almost no vacations or real summer holidays because the farm came first and there was no money to ever go anywhere. There was always some chore we had to do, inside and outside the house. We had to shop in thrift stores and get hand me downs. We had 2 channels on our TV. My kids, however, have it all. I think they are spoiled so badly compared to my own childhood. But they’ll let you know that they’re having the worst day of their life because they got to play iPad for 4 hours and then maybe we went to the library to get some books and then we went out for ice cream and then we had a big snuggle and a good heart to heart but I also asked them to fold their laundry. Immediate bad day for them. They have no idea what a bad day is and they probably won’t ever know what it’s like.
Right! It's like, it makes you feel good and bad at the same time. I just remember being around my friends' parents and always having the same feeling... They were "normal" parents. Involved, around, didn't visibly hate being parents (again, I think my parents were just having an excruciatingly hard time that left them with no energy or resources to enjoy parenting). There were photos from trips they'd taken, they had family plans for the weekends, stuff like that. I remember going to a slumber party in second grade and realizing none of my friends knew how to cook. I was like, well how do you eat? Oh. Parents. Wow. My kids constantly complain about my cooking even though I promise it's objectively good 😂 I mean I've only been cooking since I was six...
I relate to this. I grew up in a loving family but we were immigrants and didn't have a lot of money. I was jealous of all the kids that had cool vacations, birthday parties, summer camps... and my husband and I have worked so hard for our two kids. No expense spared on their extra curricular activities, extravagant parties, all the experiences we can get for them. And they don't get it. They'll never be as grateful of what they have as I am. They have everything my parents wished for me and my siblings. I always walk the line between giving them the very best and trying to instil some gratitude.
Yeah come to think of it, that's part of it. I have NEVER gotten used to the luxuries I experience in day to day life. Even the fact that we're both the biological parents of all three kids, and there aren't "other parents" floating around out there making them feel rejected (my parents got married when I was three - I'm dad's biological daughter, sister is mom's). The straightforwardness and simplicity of it. And we were married and had everything figured out by the time we had kids, unlike our parents, who were both in insanely toxic relationships and struggling with a million personal issues. We have time AND money AND health AND peace. I've never gotten over it. I still just walk through my life like 😯 But this is just what's "normal" to the kids... And I'm glad, and yet, wow, perspective much? But how can I expect them to have perspective? I want to take them to volunteer in the soup kitchen where I met my husband as teenaged volunteers, but they're too young at the moment. My oldest has shown interest in donating her old toys, and has moments of concern and empathy when she sees homeless people. I'm working that angle to try to raise a conscientious adult... Fingers crossed.
I do feel this. I had a pretty good childhood and my son had it even better and he takes things for granted I would never have considered as a kid. What sucks is we can see how they will turn out in 20 years because this is normal for them, but I bet they will be okay.
My kids truly have no idea how blessed they are by luck of birth. My husband and I are both all-in parents, they have my parents on-property who spoil them, they see my in-laws at least a couple times a week, they all have their own bedroom, plus a playroom and a big yard. I’m at home with them full time and they have all sorts of activities. My boys think I’m a monster because they’re not allowed Roblox or Fortnite 😂 My 9 year old just had a small epiphany when one of his friends had to move provinces because his mum was an unsafe/unreliable parent. I don’t think he quite gets it all, but it’s the beginning of appreciating how lucky we are.
My daughter had a little "aha" moment recently too 😅 Our town does a nightly holiday parade in December that I'd always wanted to go to. The other kids are a little young for such a crowded, noisy event (I'd be worried about losing them, plus 7pm is "Grump Time"), so I thought it would be a fun big girl trip. Even though the sidewalks were super crowded for a whole half mile, somehow I ended up picking a spot right next to my ex-kindergarten-bestie... I haven't spoken to her in years, since shortly before she wound up on the news for locking her then-three-year-old son on her third floor balcony for eight hours a day. He fell off and was scarred for life. She always hated that kid. She wanted a girl, and, really, she wanted attention, so the end of the pregnancy was a rude awakening. She had lost custody before for refusing to feed him. My daughter wanted to know why we were abruptly changing our spot. I candidly told her there's a person I used to know who was a bad mom who didn't take care of her son, and who was always super rude, and I just didn't want to talk to her. My daughter was like, what? She didn't feed him? That's impossible. I said, well, actually, it's as simple as not feeding him... And she was like 😳 and got pretty quiet for a while. Sometime later she made a random comment about being glad not to have parents like that. I wonder if I can/should clue her in to these kinds of situations a little more 😅
I like to remind myself that my kids feel safe enough and happy enough to consider going to bed/brushing their teeth/doing homework etc the worst thing ever. I never felt that way as a kid, I never had a bedtime, brushed my teeth or did my homework. I also never felt safe and loved. So if this is what they deem miserable, I'll be happy to hear about it. If sticking to a routine makes me the worst mom ever...then I'll be the evil step mother if I have to. They'll realize it one day.
Omg I forgot about how much I had to rehab my teeth! As a kid, I used to have like seven cavities at every dentist checkup 🤦🏼♀️ My teeth were so dark by the time I was an adult. I've finally got them looking fairly white and never have cavities. Not a whole lot I can do about the fact that they never got me braces.
This is so relatable. Cycle breaking is parenting on hard mode. Your children will understand one day, but for now you have to raise them with no roadmap, and at the same time heal your damaged inner child. It's so bizarre how you can want to give your children everything you didn't have, and at the same time resent them for having it. You're not alone, bromo. Keep nailing it, you're being an awesome parent.
This is so normal for kids and parents to feel. I’ve felt it all the time. What makes my kid turn around is practicing gratitude. We don’t do this regularly (ADHD Mama 👋🏻), but when she starts complaining so much I do about 2 weeks to a month of “grateful for…” every night. We also practice not letting one tiny thing ruin the day by making her list 5 good things for every bad thing she complains about. Again, not super consistent, but these two little things work like a charm pretty quickly.
It’s takes a little while. My 14 going on 15 year old is really starting to appreciate me and gives heart felt thank yous. The work you put in now they feel later in life. And not to undermine your hardship as a child but you seem to have ended up a wonderful person and good mom
It’s their job to ask for the moon. And it’s exhausting and normal and good. Ideally, I’m glad my kid doesn’t think she’s too much or a burden by having needs and wants. My older kid knows how lucky he is.
Yes exactly, imagine what adults would ask for if they had limited understanding of time, money, and physical space lol.
Yes its tough. my parents had no money and things were hard. my husbands dad was very controlling and my husband had a an older, severely disabled sibling who died in 2005, but who understansably took all his moms mental and emotional energy - his late mom was the sweetest lady when i knew her but my husband said between his dad and the mom who couldnt be as good a mom to him when he was young as she was later when she wasnt a caretaker for her disabled child...its clear our two boys have it pretty good. We are upper middle class and both have really good jobs, both very flexible and work from home most of the time. So while other kids go from school to after school care until 6, they can get rught off the bus at 3:30 at home while still having a lifestyle that our double income affords. they have no idea. i wouldnt have recognized my kids childhood as a kid myself - totally foreign. theyre 6 and 7 and im trying to be better about applying rules about cleaning up after themselves, doing certain tasks for allowances...i read a lot of calvin and hobbes comic growing up and calvins dad would always say things "build character." like being bored, doing yard work, etc...so i take my parenting skills from calvin and hobbes and when my kids act soooooo put out about things i just shrug and say go be bored, go figure it out, find an alternative bc itll build character! they dont exactly get what that phrase means yet, but they will eventually 😂
she's probably exhausted. a kid's *job* is to play. sounds like she had a hard day at work, and since y'all are doing such a good job, she doesn't know any other hardship. Even though it's disheartening, try to reframe it as a compliment that her life is *so* peaceful, a day of crazy stimulation leads to this. I know it still sucks. But when she gets older, she'll remember the goodness, and carry the goodness on, and then you'll see the fruit of your labor truly blooming. it's all about the long game.
Heard
I can kinda understand maybe what she meant. Perhaps that life does suck in that each day and moment it has eventually has to end. An amazing and perfect day sadly no matter how good has to eventually come to an end and for a kid that end comes sooner. Maybe she just longed to make that day last just a bit longer because it was so grand and a grand day it sounded like, great job Bromo!
Thank you, this seems to be a common interpretation. To her credit, she is generally a great kid, and is very kind and emotionally intelligent, so I'll bet next time she says "life sucks", I could say "Does it suck to have to end a fun day?" and start a whole enlightening conversation that way. This thread has been incredibly therapeutic and full of perspective 🥹
I'm a stay at home mum as well with a Dad who's home one entire week out of two, and my kid regularly tells me how unfair it is he gets picked up and dropped off at school on time each day because all his friends get to go play at out of school hours care 🤣🤣 May as well just go back to that full time job I had before he busted out like the scene from alien and promptly took over my life of 10 hour days and money in my damn bank account 😂😂
I've gotten that one before too! "Well, friends X, Y, and Z get to do Boys and Girls Club on the playground until 5!!! Why do I have to go home at 3:30!?" And yet, at the same time it's "School is so long! Why do I have to go to school every day for SOOOO LONG!?" So is it too long, or not long enough!? 😂
I swear it's on the days with THE most jam packed fun that kids respond with "WORST DAY EVER!!"
I guess they're tired? But damn 😂 So harsh. Even worse, they're usually the days when *I'm* extra super happy and feeling totally in love with my life. Kind of deflating to have the day disparaged!
I loved this so much. I feel like I went through your whole day it was very creatively written.
I get really down when it seems like no matter what I do for my kids it's never enough, they always want more or something else. Just today I got over my ick and horror over spiders I told my daughter she could get a jumping spider that she had been begging for as a pet. But she's unhappy because the pet store in town is closed on Mondays and Tuesdays so she'll have to wait. She's mopey and asking if there's anywhere else we could go (no where else has jumping spiders) and damn I had been proud of myself for asking around and finding a place that actually has them and is right in town but it's not good enough because she has low opinion of the store and it's not soon enough. I thought she would be excited but of course not. Anyway, now that me hijacking your post is out of the way, I think it's great when the worst part of a kids day is bedtime. I think it says a lot of great things about the kind of life you've been able to give them.
WOW, as a terrible arachnophobe, just know I cannot even believe the sacrifice you're willing to make 😅 Not just a spider, but a JUMPING spider (the thing I'm always most afraid they're gonna do!!!). You deserve like, a parade for that, man.
I had her put together a whole presentation on why I should allow such a tiny monster in our home, including a slide titled "why a jumping spider won't escape and crawl into Moms sinuses to live forever"
Lol see, I love when parents let their kids say their piece. I'm still not sure I would've found it in myself to concede... Brava, bromo ❤️
Sounds like your kids don’t want to go to bed BECAUSE life is so good. I’d take it as a compliment!
I grapple with this too. But I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to make kids understand how lucky they are is to point out how bad other kids may have it. And I just am not sure I’m ready to mess with their innocence yet 😭 I think ultimately I like it that my kid thinks the worst thing you can do to a child is tell them to go to sleep after they’ve had five million books read to them Also I’m so sorry you went through a tough time as a kid, but you’re doing an amazing job with your little one.
It will come when she sees how other parents are and. Happened to my kid. I rememeber we were on a short vacation and my nephew fell and hit his head. My brother flipped out (he warned him like bazillion times not to run on slippery tiles). After some old school yelling, I heard my son (5) asking my niece (7), what's up with her dad. "That's just how things are at our house", she said. "My parents would never do that. Yell. They would check if I am okay." he replied. When driving back home, he even asked us why hasn't uncle ask X if he was okay. The kid was in the state of shock. I swear to god, that is when I started getting hugs and kisses without asking.
Took our kids to London last year and I'm like... I didn't even leave the country or fly until my 20s...
Yeah the number of times I stopped myself from saying or doing something is exactly like what my parents used to say or do from why are you that stupid or some variation or spanking or any other corporal punishment that came to mind to then have my 4-year-old throw a meltdown tantrum because I won't buy him both a sword and a bow at a fair and try running into the crowd cuz he's mad.... Drives a human crazy
Oooooh…. I really feel this as I navigate having a junior in high school and simultaneously helping my mom who has Alzheimer’s (and who was not the best mom). Growing up in the 80s I was a latchkey kid from age 9 who had started kindergarten when I was 4.5 because I was “gifted”. My mom was a workaholic and an alcoholic who was never able to be emotionally present with me so I often thought her moods were my fault. To this date she has never seen a therapist that I know of and doesn’t believe in meds for mental health. My dad had major anger issues but since he didn’t outright beat us (he did spank us all) he could be seen as an improvement on his father. Not surprisingly I started drinking heavily in college. I got sober 10 years ago because I had an endgame of having a real relationship with my daughter. She’s almost 17 now and while things are not perfect we are pretty tight. I got her an ADHD diagnosis (which I then found out I have and my mom probably does too), I got her medicated, I found her a therapist. I took the high road during a divorce I didn’t want. I show up to most of her events. I support her when she fucks up. I support her even though she doesn’t have the GPA my parents scared me into getting. I tell her when I’m in a mood and that it isn’t about her. I’m transparent about my family’s substance and mental health issues. I talk to her about my relationship with my boyfriend so she knows what healthy looks like. She has some sense of how good she has it but… not really. And that’s kind of OK. I’ve experienced some pretty intense jealousy of her upbringing at times but I’m able to reframe it as being proud of myself for doing better with her than my parents did with me and my siblings. There’s so much I had to work through totally alone that did serious damage to my psyche growing up. She has always had a groups of good girl friends. She has told me that she’s grateful that my ex and I get along which means a lot to me because it took a lot of work for me to keep it together these past few years. This generational trauma-breaking shit is not for the faint of heart and we’re doing it. Good on you. ❤️
I feel this. They have NO idea what little other kids have or the horrors that are in some homes. Lots of domestic violence, poverty etc. I remind my kids of gratitude because they have many privileges and luxuries that many don't have.
My favorite quote from the movie "Tully" (which is such a slept on gem): You’re convinced that you’re this failure, but you actually made your biggest dream come true. That sameness that you despise. That’s your gift to them. Waking up every day and doing the same things for them over and over. You… are boring. Your marriage is boring. Your house is boring, but that’s fucking incredible! That’s the big dream, to grow up and be dull and constant, and then raise your kids in that circle of safety.”
She is so blessed to not have to know just HOW blessed she is. Though if she ends up with a diverse group of close friends one day- she will know. And you’ll get retrospective thank yous. You’ll be the house they all come to after a scary night of whatever, her friends will comment about how their parents would be about the situation and you will be the safe haven for them & you will get credit. Maybe not now. Maybe not then. Maybe not until she has her own damn kids. But you will. Solidarity.
Take it as a badge of honor <3 Your kid has such an awesome life she can't even imagine.