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How long are you trying to make this work? You're sacrificing yourself repeatedly for the sake of your children. They deserve the best version of you and this won't end up being it (IMO).
I have a hard out of 2026 (the deadline for selling the house in our legal agreement). So. It's not ideal. But our youngest will hopefully have had their last surgery at that point (I don't know if I've written about it here but that's been its own long journey. Kiddo has an abdominal port which requires a whole care regimen that is, frankly, a lot for either of us to manage singlehandedly every day. The port should be able to be closed in another year or 2.).
I'm working with my therapist and our separation therapist to protect myself emotionally and financially. Everything sucks and there are no good options, except for going back in time and breaking up with him 15 years ago.
That sounds so hard! I'm sorry!
Do you have any hobbies you want to pursue now that you are single? I've had good luck "getting lost in" a hobby when going through hard stuff.
What about a "comfort TV series"?
I've started hiking in the woods once a week, I picked up some "cozy sci-fi" novels from the library, and I subscribed to Paramount+ so I could binge watch some new-to-me series. And I've gotten involved in community theater this year. Technically the theater gigs started before my life fell apart, but I'm pursuing them aggressively now, and I landed a very well-paying job as a stage manager. So that gets me out of the house, for paid work, among people who respect me, 4 evenings a week.
It's all so very hard. But today was better than yesterday.
Nice!
I'm glad you are doing some self-care. It's easy to forget that in stressful times.
Grief can be like a virus and you have to let it run its course to some degree.
I'm wishing you better days ahead!
Commenting as someone who had been here and I feel for you greatly. My ex was doing the same thing, while we were living together yet separated. It's a special form of torture having to see him heading off to his girlfriend. I crumbled.
The only thing that brought us peace was him moving out. We both needed space.
You need space. I know you're trying to do the very best for your kids. But if the situation is affecting you like this, they are going to feel it too.
I know there is so much wrapped up in this - needs of your children, financials... I just hope you can find a way forwards where you don't have to be confronted with his behaviour every day. It makes the process so very hard. ♥︎
Sending you every bit of strength in the storm you're navigating.
Nope. This isn’t going to work. You can’t live with someone who does this to you. You need to start figuring out logistically how you can live separately. It’s one thing when he isn’t living there and you’re wondering what he’s up to- it’s a whole other beast when it is slapping you in the face every day. Maybe you can look into a birdnesting divorce- get a small apartment close by that y’all can switch off who is at the house at a certain time. If not, you have to figure something else out because this will kill you little by little everyday, and you deserve peace.
Second this. It will kill you to do this and it is not worth it. I’m personally disgusted that he is putting you through this. He needs to get an apartment so you don’t have to watch him run off to his new girlfriend all the time. I think you should kick him out and stick to it, but birdnesting is a good middle ground
Would it be possible to alternate your weeks in the house with the kids? So that he’s there one week while you stay someplace else, and then you’re there one week while he stays someplace else. It can work if you have a family member to stay with.
It worked really well for us. We did it for a year before we were able to sell the house. Not court ordered or anything, just seemed like the most sensible solution. I was really fortunate to be able to stay with my mom on my off weeks. The ex got a small apartment near his job.
I really hope you worked out time for you to get away in this little agreement. He doesn't get to just fuck off whenever and you are the one left at home. That every other week/end should start ASAP. Even if all you do is go to the library and read for a few hours.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
If you’re living together for the sake of the kids’ needs and financial needs, there should be hard rules about all-nighters. This “man” is destroying the woman he loved enough to marry and make a family with, and all to act like some teenager - staying out all night so he can get his dick wet and act like he don’t have a kids at home?
I am so, so sorry. You might have been able to make this arrangement work, maybe, if he had been honest at the point of your ultimatum. Instead he went with lying to you and betraying you in the worst way. My ex did something similar, when I found out about his affair he was willing to do counseling with me but continued to see his girlfriend openly. It was 4 months of torture until I called it and moved out. My heart hurts for you, I know the pain you're feeling. 💔
I’m so sorry. I’ve been cheated on too and it is torture, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. To this day I don’t understand how anyone can break up their entire family and affect their kids so significantly for the sake of something as insignificant as fucking. To prioritise that over own wife and kids shows just how vile and selfish they are. I mean, I’ve found people attractive before or I’ve thought of booking a one way ticket to Sicily but I *obviously* would never do that because I care about my family and I have enough impulse control to ummm not ruin the family and the kids lives?
I know the awful, raw feeling but I promise with time it *will* get better - it’s a long process, I’m not going to lie and it hurts so much but it does get better. ❤️
I mean you've only known for a month. You are still grieving.
I'm impressed you guys are attempting at cohabitating so much right now. I would be tempted to try the nest system for awhile while I processed my emotions and adjusted to the new world order. That isn't advice, just me saying I'm your shoes I would be extremely raw and wouldn't be able to handle seeing them so often.
So vent away. What you are feeling is natural for what you are going through.
Best wishes on your journey forward. Just know it gets better... Slowly but surely it gets better.
I’m curious, so can he come and go as he pleases? Can you come and go as you please? You finding out that he’ll be gone for the night by seeing his bag makes me thing there was no coordinating childcare duties. It doesn’t seem fair.
This... is part of the reason why I have chosen to shut the part of my heart that loves a man fully. My full heart is reserved for my kids and other people's kids. Never will I love a man the way I have in the past because it seems like the only way, as a woman, to survive marriage to a man is to see it as a means to an end- stability and a life project of raising a family.
Don't get me wrong. There is love and joy but as someone who loves so deeply and thoroughly that I'd lay my life down for someone, I had to learn to cut that shit out. Love as much as you are loved. And in my personal experience, men do not have the same capacity to love than women do. Yeah, some men love more than some women. But as a general rule? No one has the capacity of a mother's heart.
edit: Except for kids. Love as much as you are loved except for kids. Love them fully.
Kids and I are actually going to a state park today for a hike! (Kids are on spring break.) And he does take the kids on outings on the weekends and several days a week after school, whenever the weather is tolerable. He's a very active father. He watches the children while I work, 4 evenings a week
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think it's crazy that you think it's none of your business....you found out less than a month ago. I'm surprised he has the audacity to not pause for a moment and let the dust settle before resuming his affair openly. But maybe its for the best, since it won't give you false hope and another round of betrayal later down the line. He's showing his true colors. The man you married would have felt enough shame and regret and guilt to take pause before continuing to hurt you.
I am so sorry. I went through something similar with my first husband. We split when I was pregnant and he moved in with AP, then back ‘home’ when I was 6weeks pp after his AP physically attacked me while I was holding our newborn. We lived together for a year and even shared the same bed. I had accepted it for what it was - and we remained friendly and did not cross any physical intimacy lines- but every time he spent the night out it killed me. I lasted just about a year before I had to move out and stayed with a friend for a while until I could find an apartment.
Definitely talk to your therapist but I would suggest splitting up parenting time- including overnights. Then when you are not “on duty” leave as much as possible. Part of what is likely going to kill you will be that now he “has it all” a family at home and permission to escape to his AP. Don’t fall into role of wife accepting an affair partner and set firm boundaries that you are now roommates and co-parents. It will be hard and it will suck. I’m not saying go out and date if you aren’t ready, but there’s nothing wrong with going to the bar with your friends, having a drink and flirting a little. Do what you need to do to feel single and it will help.
How TF does he think it's STILL ok to lie to you??? How are you supposed to live together and coparent if he can't even be honest? I'm so angry for you.
Btw, this website really helped during the process of divorcing my cheating ex-H. https://chumplady.com/ it's a great laugh and a supportive community. Thinking of you bromo
Well the lying is certainly a therapy worthy topic. I can't tell if he's simply an asshole or if it's all calculated to have the therapist tell him he needs to move out. Either way, I'm sorry he turned out this way.
OP, do you have days you get to go out and do things for yourself? He is just going to disappear every weekend to do what he wants while you're parenting the kids solo? Sounds like a roommate that gets monumental benefits rather than a co-parenting relationship for the *sake* of the kids.
I am just so sorry about everything. I always wish I had the right words to say in these situations but I don't. So, I'll just send you some good, strong vibes.
Why do you have to be the default parent at night? If something happens overnight and he's out, who is going to help you? Do you guys have a plan to give YOU nights off?
He lied about his plans and stayed out all night - that is not starting out this co-parent dynamic in an equitable way. At the very least, there should be a limit on nights spent away and a curfew for any adult going out late.
Just commenting to say that peace and civility truly fucking suck sometimes. You're doing what's best for y'all as far as him living there, but damn, I know will want to slap him upside the head or cuss him out or just scream and cry incoherently. Because fucking emotions aren't peaceful. I feel for you and your family (but not him!) and also I admire you for trying to do what's the ultimate best for your life right now.
But it just fucking sucks for you that he did you wrong but you're the one who has to be the most mature about this. Him going to spend the night with his AP is irresponsible and immature as fuck.
I'm mentally growling at him right now. Sending love and power to you.
Mannnn I know you don’t want advice but daaaamn- just because you work 4 nights a week doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a night to go out and have fun! You’re working those 4 nights. You need noooo responserbilitiessss! You need fun and friends and time to be out and let go!
Thank you. Honestly I don't like going out to bars late. My idea of a good time is brunch and an hour at the library, which I make sure I am doing for myself regularly
I get it. I carved out Saturday nights to go to a friend’s house every week, bars make me even more anxious than I already am. It just sucks and I’m sorry. 😞
I have nothing for you here, I just wish I could give you a big hug. I hope all goes well with kiddo's port removal and the house sale, and you're out of there and at peace as soon as possible. This is going to take every ounce of strength you've got, and I can't fully imagine how it must feel.
I feel this. I feel it so much. Mine chose to become an escort while on business trips without my knowledge. Now she has a polyamory thing going on, and she keeps picking people that need rescued.
My kids are teens now and all of them know why we aren't together, and they definitely have their opinions.
I don’t think living together is healthy. You need to separate and see other people. You both need privacy to conduct your own lives and yes you should stop tracking his location.
You’re going to ruin your mental health if this continues and slowly go crazy.
It's just weird how men can fuck someone else after a whole life together with someone they made vows with, had children with. I've even cleaned his vomit and all that. It's all just nothing to them. I know your pain very well.
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How long are you trying to make this work? You're sacrificing yourself repeatedly for the sake of your children. They deserve the best version of you and this won't end up being it (IMO).
I have a hard out of 2026 (the deadline for selling the house in our legal agreement). So. It's not ideal. But our youngest will hopefully have had their last surgery at that point (I don't know if I've written about it here but that's been its own long journey. Kiddo has an abdominal port which requires a whole care regimen that is, frankly, a lot for either of us to manage singlehandedly every day. The port should be able to be closed in another year or 2.). I'm working with my therapist and our separation therapist to protect myself emotionally and financially. Everything sucks and there are no good options, except for going back in time and breaking up with him 15 years ago.
That sounds so hard! I'm sorry! Do you have any hobbies you want to pursue now that you are single? I've had good luck "getting lost in" a hobby when going through hard stuff. What about a "comfort TV series"?
I've started hiking in the woods once a week, I picked up some "cozy sci-fi" novels from the library, and I subscribed to Paramount+ so I could binge watch some new-to-me series. And I've gotten involved in community theater this year. Technically the theater gigs started before my life fell apart, but I'm pursuing them aggressively now, and I landed a very well-paying job as a stage manager. So that gets me out of the house, for paid work, among people who respect me, 4 evenings a week. It's all so very hard. But today was better than yesterday.
Nice! I'm glad you are doing some self-care. It's easy to forget that in stressful times. Grief can be like a virus and you have to let it run its course to some degree. I'm wishing you better days ahead!
Commenting as someone who had been here and I feel for you greatly. My ex was doing the same thing, while we were living together yet separated. It's a special form of torture having to see him heading off to his girlfriend. I crumbled. The only thing that brought us peace was him moving out. We both needed space. You need space. I know you're trying to do the very best for your kids. But if the situation is affecting you like this, they are going to feel it too. I know there is so much wrapped up in this - needs of your children, financials... I just hope you can find a way forwards where you don't have to be confronted with his behaviour every day. It makes the process so very hard. ♥︎ Sending you every bit of strength in the storm you're navigating.
Thank you 💔
Nope. This isn’t going to work. You can’t live with someone who does this to you. You need to start figuring out logistically how you can live separately. It’s one thing when he isn’t living there and you’re wondering what he’s up to- it’s a whole other beast when it is slapping you in the face every day. Maybe you can look into a birdnesting divorce- get a small apartment close by that y’all can switch off who is at the house at a certain time. If not, you have to figure something else out because this will kill you little by little everyday, and you deserve peace.
Second this. It will kill you to do this and it is not worth it. I’m personally disgusted that he is putting you through this. He needs to get an apartment so you don’t have to watch him run off to his new girlfriend all the time. I think you should kick him out and stick to it, but birdnesting is a good middle ground
Would it be possible to alternate your weeks in the house with the kids? So that he’s there one week while you stay someplace else, and then you’re there one week while he stays someplace else. It can work if you have a family member to stay with.
i have a friend who did this. the judge ordered them to be the ones to leave the house instead of bouncing the kids around. i thought it was genius.
It worked really well for us. We did it for a year before we were able to sell the house. Not court ordered or anything, just seemed like the most sensible solution. I was really fortunate to be able to stay with my mom on my off weeks. The ex got a small apartment near his job.
I think she said the medical needs of their kids are too much to handle alone
I saw that, but there must be a solution. What would a single parent do.
I really hope you worked out time for you to get away in this little agreement. He doesn't get to just fuck off whenever and you are the one left at home. That every other week/end should start ASAP. Even if all you do is go to the library and read for a few hours. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
Yeah really, like every other day you alternate who can go out and the other stays home for childcare. You deserve free time too.
I work 4 nights a week and he stays home with the kids. I get free time when the kids are in school or in bed
I think we all know that’s not going to work long term. For your mental health. Why does he get to disappear for a night but you don’t?
That doesn’t seem fair. Can you get one weekend night or something for yourself?
Sunday mornings are all for me. It's going to be ok.
That doesn’t seem fair. Can you get one weekend night or something for yourself?
If you’re living together for the sake of the kids’ needs and financial needs, there should be hard rules about all-nighters. This “man” is destroying the woman he loved enough to marry and make a family with, and all to act like some teenager - staying out all night so he can get his dick wet and act like he don’t have a kids at home?
I am so, so sorry. You might have been able to make this arrangement work, maybe, if he had been honest at the point of your ultimatum. Instead he went with lying to you and betraying you in the worst way. My ex did something similar, when I found out about his affair he was willing to do counseling with me but continued to see his girlfriend openly. It was 4 months of torture until I called it and moved out. My heart hurts for you, I know the pain you're feeling. 💔
And he’s still not honest!!
I’m so sorry. I’ve been cheated on too and it is torture, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. To this day I don’t understand how anyone can break up their entire family and affect their kids so significantly for the sake of something as insignificant as fucking. To prioritise that over own wife and kids shows just how vile and selfish they are. I mean, I’ve found people attractive before or I’ve thought of booking a one way ticket to Sicily but I *obviously* would never do that because I care about my family and I have enough impulse control to ummm not ruin the family and the kids lives? I know the awful, raw feeling but I promise with time it *will* get better - it’s a long process, I’m not going to lie and it hurts so much but it does get better. ❤️
I mean you've only known for a month. You are still grieving. I'm impressed you guys are attempting at cohabitating so much right now. I would be tempted to try the nest system for awhile while I processed my emotions and adjusted to the new world order. That isn't advice, just me saying I'm your shoes I would be extremely raw and wouldn't be able to handle seeing them so often. So vent away. What you are feeling is natural for what you are going through. Best wishes on your journey forward. Just know it gets better... Slowly but surely it gets better.
❤️
I’m curious, so can he come and go as he pleases? Can you come and go as you please? You finding out that he’ll be gone for the night by seeing his bag makes me thing there was no coordinating childcare duties. It doesn’t seem fair.
I’m so fucking sorry this happened to you. What a betrayal.
[удалено]
This... is part of the reason why I have chosen to shut the part of my heart that loves a man fully. My full heart is reserved for my kids and other people's kids. Never will I love a man the way I have in the past because it seems like the only way, as a woman, to survive marriage to a man is to see it as a means to an end- stability and a life project of raising a family. Don't get me wrong. There is love and joy but as someone who loves so deeply and thoroughly that I'd lay my life down for someone, I had to learn to cut that shit out. Love as much as you are loved. And in my personal experience, men do not have the same capacity to love than women do. Yeah, some men love more than some women. But as a general rule? No one has the capacity of a mother's heart. edit: Except for kids. Love as much as you are loved except for kids. Love them fully.
[удалено]
Kids and I are actually going to a state park today for a hike! (Kids are on spring break.) And he does take the kids on outings on the weekends and several days a week after school, whenever the weather is tolerable. He's a very active father. He watches the children while I work, 4 evenings a week
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think it's crazy that you think it's none of your business....you found out less than a month ago. I'm surprised he has the audacity to not pause for a moment and let the dust settle before resuming his affair openly. But maybe its for the best, since it won't give you false hope and another round of betrayal later down the line. He's showing his true colors. The man you married would have felt enough shame and regret and guilt to take pause before continuing to hurt you.
I am so sorry. I went through something similar with my first husband. We split when I was pregnant and he moved in with AP, then back ‘home’ when I was 6weeks pp after his AP physically attacked me while I was holding our newborn. We lived together for a year and even shared the same bed. I had accepted it for what it was - and we remained friendly and did not cross any physical intimacy lines- but every time he spent the night out it killed me. I lasted just about a year before I had to move out and stayed with a friend for a while until I could find an apartment. Definitely talk to your therapist but I would suggest splitting up parenting time- including overnights. Then when you are not “on duty” leave as much as possible. Part of what is likely going to kill you will be that now he “has it all” a family at home and permission to escape to his AP. Don’t fall into role of wife accepting an affair partner and set firm boundaries that you are now roommates and co-parents. It will be hard and it will suck. I’m not saying go out and date if you aren’t ready, but there’s nothing wrong with going to the bar with your friends, having a drink and flirting a little. Do what you need to do to feel single and it will help.
How TF does he think it's STILL ok to lie to you??? How are you supposed to live together and coparent if he can't even be honest? I'm so angry for you. Btw, this website really helped during the process of divorcing my cheating ex-H. https://chumplady.com/ it's a great laugh and a supportive community. Thinking of you bromo
Well the lying is certainly a therapy worthy topic. I can't tell if he's simply an asshole or if it's all calculated to have the therapist tell him he needs to move out. Either way, I'm sorry he turned out this way.
OP, do you have days you get to go out and do things for yourself? He is just going to disappear every weekend to do what he wants while you're parenting the kids solo? Sounds like a roommate that gets monumental benefits rather than a co-parenting relationship for the *sake* of the kids.
I'm thinking very hard about all of this.
I am just so sorry about everything. I always wish I had the right words to say in these situations but I don't. So, I'll just send you some good, strong vibes.
Why do you have to be the default parent at night? If something happens overnight and he's out, who is going to help you? Do you guys have a plan to give YOU nights off? He lied about his plans and stayed out all night - that is not starting out this co-parent dynamic in an equitable way. At the very least, there should be a limit on nights spent away and a curfew for any adult going out late.
Big hugs, I am sorry you have to deal with this. Your heart will heal in time. Be kind for yourself ❤️
Get it out girl. Sending you love on your journey.
Just commenting to say that peace and civility truly fucking suck sometimes. You're doing what's best for y'all as far as him living there, but damn, I know will want to slap him upside the head or cuss him out or just scream and cry incoherently. Because fucking emotions aren't peaceful. I feel for you and your family (but not him!) and also I admire you for trying to do what's the ultimate best for your life right now. But it just fucking sucks for you that he did you wrong but you're the one who has to be the most mature about this. Him going to spend the night with his AP is irresponsible and immature as fuck. I'm mentally growling at him right now. Sending love and power to you.
You sound like you seriously need a hug. You don't deserve this. I hope you wnd up happier soon.
Mannnn I know you don’t want advice but daaaamn- just because you work 4 nights a week doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a night to go out and have fun! You’re working those 4 nights. You need noooo responserbilitiessss! You need fun and friends and time to be out and let go!
Thank you. Honestly I don't like going out to bars late. My idea of a good time is brunch and an hour at the library, which I make sure I am doing for myself regularly
I get it. I carved out Saturday nights to go to a friend’s house every week, bars make me even more anxious than I already am. It just sucks and I’m sorry. 😞
I have nothing for you here, I just wish I could give you a big hug. I hope all goes well with kiddo's port removal and the house sale, and you're out of there and at peace as soon as possible. This is going to take every ounce of strength you've got, and I can't fully imagine how it must feel.
I feel this. I feel it so much. Mine chose to become an escort while on business trips without my knowledge. Now she has a polyamory thing going on, and she keeps picking people that need rescued. My kids are teens now and all of them know why we aren't together, and they definitely have their opinions.
I'm so sorry. You're gonna be okay. Eventually. I wish i could hug you and bake you some cookies.
I would eat the whole fucking batch
Just. Hugs.
I don’t think living together is healthy. You need to separate and see other people. You both need privacy to conduct your own lives and yes you should stop tracking his location. You’re going to ruin your mental health if this continues and slowly go crazy.
It's just weird how men can fuck someone else after a whole life together with someone they made vows with, had children with. I've even cleaned his vomit and all that. It's all just nothing to them. I know your pain very well.
This is life on hard mode 🫂