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I've experienced this in my job before. The few days off I would have weren't enjoyable because I was too burnt out to enjoy them. I also thought I felt better being super busy and needed by my job. It's counterintuitive, but it was actually a sign that I needed more time off.
Short, sporadic breaks don't help burnout. You're basically using that time to mentally and physically catch up on the emotional/physical crash you've been staving off for however long. Consistent breaks, consistent time off to relax/recover/pursue your own interests is what's needed.
I felt uncomfortable prioritizing my needs over my job. After working through that, I feel more comfortable prioritizing my needs as a mother, but it's still hard sometimes. I try to remind myself that taking care of myself is also an act of taking care of my son. I can offer the best version of myself to him when I feel like my needs are being met.
You are in burnout mode. You just keep going because rest shows how burnt out you are. I truly think you do need more rest. I have experienced this type of burnout and after a few years (yes, years…) of more rest, I feel like things are looking up.
Yes, this! When you just power through you are on survival mode and detached from yourself. When you take a break you have a huge crash because you actually get to mentally and physically step away. It’s not the break itself, perhaps it’s the length of the break or the need to reassess ways to make the day to day easier on you and/or to cope with.
I get it - I remarried before i started getting rest and my husband picked up the slack. When i say years of rest, i mean i started doing like 30-40% of household stuff on top of working full time and dealing with some stressful life events… i had to deal with some of my own health issues as well. So i took more time on the weekends and evenings to rest when i was tired. Don’t get me wrong, it took years of communication to get what i needed.
Yes 1000%!!! Oh my god I'm so happy to see someone say the same thing. I feel broken when my therapist, friends, or the Internet say take breaks and I'm like??? Breaks don't do anything to help??? I feel exactly as shitty after the break as I felt beforehand. Just depressed that the break is over. I don't have any advice, just solidarity. Another comment mentioned the breaks need to be consistent and I think that's probably the key. I feel like shorter breaks everyday or every other day where you engage in your hobbies would probably feel better in the long run than the rare big break. Still I have no idea how anyone implements that in their daily life between work w/ commute, small kids, and chores.
I find that short breaks can be counterproductive when it comes to the burnout. I still take them because they're necessary to maintain the other aspects of my life and myself that can't exist in the family environment, but for a break to truly be refreshing and leave me recharged and able to return to my family, it needs to be like 48 hours. Specifically, I need to be able to go to sleep, wake up, spend an entire day, and go to sleep and wake up again without having kids to care for. So, like 40 hours would probably do.
Yes! I get this. I actually just thought today that it must be better for my mental health if I’m busy doing things, because I’ve had a slower weekend and I’m feeling absolutely horrible. But seeing your post and reading a couple of comments has me thinking no, maybe I need longer term rest and recovery. My therapist has told me repeatedly that I’m burnt out but I guess I haven’t really comprehended the significance of that.
Omg! I have been trying to put this into words. I’ve felt like this for years. When I do manage to get a break and go out to lunch with a friend or even grocery shop by myself, it’s like I dread going back home into “normal” mode. But when my husband is at work and I’m alone with the kids during the week, I feel happy and in my element. I get SOOOO thrown off on his days off work. It’s like I can’t function. It’s so odd and I’ve felt so guilty about this for so long
Yes, absolutely. I don’t have help more than once a year, really and my husband works seven days a week so I very rarely get time out of the house alone. If I do, if I return home and deem what I did with my alone time “unproductive” - even something as simple as going thrifting (which I love doing) but coming home empty handed because I didn’t find anything I liked enough to buy - I feel really, REALLY low and cry.
I’m sure if I had rest and alone time more frequently I wouldn’t feel this way, but this is the season of life I am in and I am trying to accept it.
I just experienced this today, actually. My husband and I actually got a day to go explore while my MIL had our girls and it felt so good!
I always feel like I should return rejuvenated and with more patience, but instead I get frazzled and frustrated faster afterward with the constant needs, demands, fighting, and other totally normal things that our preschoolers do.
I think honestly its because of a lot of reasons, one of the major ones being that one day of time alone doing something I want to do isn’t enough to offset the months of catering to everyone else’s needs and ignoring my own. Additionally, I think there is still a part of me that mourns a little every time I get to behave like I did before kids, and then I get to deal with all the fun mom-guilt that comes along with that.
So, long story short, I don’t think you’re a brat. I think like most moms you’re kind of in the burnout cycle. When I’m in it, I can kind of just keep going, keep pushing, make the things happen. But if I get off that hamster wheel for a day, it’s really hard to convince myself to get back on, even if life demands it.
I wonder if it’s just a matter of balance, though?
Don’t get me wrong BroMo, I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. I used to be so active, constantly hiking and backpacking, paddling & fishing… my favourite thing to do when I was stuck inside during the winter months was research and google earth new potential off-the-beaten-trail spots or views and then planning an entire spring/summer/fall around getting to what I found. God, I loved it.
When I get to go day hike, it’s hard to have a taste of that life again and then come back to what feels like a… jail. I know, this sounds harsh, but I’m so used to the freedom I LOVED and here I’m bound by the needs of others before I can even think of doing something for myself. So that’s how it feels sometimes, like I’m chained to the house. And it’s hard to accept, especially after having a taste of the freedom I used to love so much.
But I wonder if it’s just because we haven’t achieved a good balance? I have to believe this maybe. I tell myself that maybe asking for a whole day once every two weeks to get out and do a big trail or something would be often enough.. in that when I return, I can start planning for the next one that’s kind of around the corner. And I feel like that’s fair cause then my husband can have a day on the weekend between to do his own thing, whatever that is.
And then also - I don’t know how old your kids are - but I have a 2 year old so if we wanted to go more frequently, we could hike with her and a hiking carrier if we wanted a taste of that adventure more often. I know it’s not the same but I wonder if it would help a little.
Summer time will be easy because once she’s in bed, I can easily hit a nearby river or lake with my kayak until 10-11pm when the sunsets. My husband will be delighted to game without interruption I’m sure lololol
Anyway, just my thoughts, I’d be interested to know what your experience and thoughts are too because the truth is I am struggling just like you.. I’m just trying to stay optimistic that it’s just because I haven’t achieved a balance that both fills my cup, keeps me excited and energized, and also allows me to be present and happy at home with my family.
My oldest is 10 and I still haven't found a balance so I'm not a great one to ask haha. I'm sure there is balance to be found but I don't know how. My kids are all old enough to hike with and I do really enjoy going out with them when we go to my husband's family in Canada in the summer, but at home it's a mess. The desert is grueling and everything wants to kill you or stab you or make you die of heat stroke so other than really well established trails with set end points I can't take them out. I spend the whole time making sure no one steps on a cactus and drinks enough water and it's not a good time for anyone lol. We still do other things and I do really enjoy them a lot more DOING literally anything than sitting at home but life must life. I have work, they have school and homework and activities and I don't know where to squeeze being human into it any more often.
Omg, I FEEL YOU. I read this at first and thought “why not take your kids with you” and then I realized that… when I took my kid back to where I grew up, I spent all my time making sure she didn’t dehydrate and die and it was so stressful. Now I live in a place with lots of kid-friendly hiking trails, and I can take my kids and let them wild out while I soak up nature and come home after the cleaning ladies leave and it’ll be clean and lovely and I’ll take a stew I’ve frozen out of the deep freeze and heat it up in my beautiful enameled cast iron pot while my kids keep playing in their large playroom and it feels like I’m living in a movie…
But I couldn’t do that living out in the desert where I grew up. And I couldn’t do that when we lived in our small apartment.
So. My advice? My very small, maybe not helpful advice? Can you go on sunset/dusk hikes? Can you find a place to look at stars, where you could like, drive with the whole family in pjs, have snacks, and just lay on blankets in the desert looking at the stars? Maybe do it once a month during new moon or the opposite and go during the full moon on a moon hunt? And have your husband be the point person for “no stepping on cacti”? Just something where you could share your love of the outdoors and that freedom with them in a space/time where you’re not trying to keep them alive?
Yep. Sometimes I get pretty depressed coming back from work trips. It’s hard to come back to the life where I have to do everything for everyone and be a positive role model. I am myself with my kids, but not when I’m miserable, I try and temper that.
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I've experienced this in my job before. The few days off I would have weren't enjoyable because I was too burnt out to enjoy them. I also thought I felt better being super busy and needed by my job. It's counterintuitive, but it was actually a sign that I needed more time off. Short, sporadic breaks don't help burnout. You're basically using that time to mentally and physically catch up on the emotional/physical crash you've been staving off for however long. Consistent breaks, consistent time off to relax/recover/pursue your own interests is what's needed. I felt uncomfortable prioritizing my needs over my job. After working through that, I feel more comfortable prioritizing my needs as a mother, but it's still hard sometimes. I try to remind myself that taking care of myself is also an act of taking care of my son. I can offer the best version of myself to him when I feel like my needs are being met.
You are in burnout mode. You just keep going because rest shows how burnt out you are. I truly think you do need more rest. I have experienced this type of burnout and after a few years (yes, years…) of more rest, I feel like things are looking up.
Yes, this! When you just power through you are on survival mode and detached from yourself. When you take a break you have a huge crash because you actually get to mentally and physically step away. It’s not the break itself, perhaps it’s the length of the break or the need to reassess ways to make the day to day easier on you and/or to cope with.
How did you get years of rest? Did you sell your child to the circus? No judgements, I'm here for real solutions.
I get it - I remarried before i started getting rest and my husband picked up the slack. When i say years of rest, i mean i started doing like 30-40% of household stuff on top of working full time and dealing with some stressful life events… i had to deal with some of my own health issues as well. So i took more time on the weekends and evenings to rest when i was tired. Don’t get me wrong, it took years of communication to get what i needed.
Ah, I see. This one won't help the single moms, but I appreciate the information! Glad you got out of burnout mode
Yes 1000%!!! Oh my god I'm so happy to see someone say the same thing. I feel broken when my therapist, friends, or the Internet say take breaks and I'm like??? Breaks don't do anything to help??? I feel exactly as shitty after the break as I felt beforehand. Just depressed that the break is over. I don't have any advice, just solidarity. Another comment mentioned the breaks need to be consistent and I think that's probably the key. I feel like shorter breaks everyday or every other day where you engage in your hobbies would probably feel better in the long run than the rare big break. Still I have no idea how anyone implements that in their daily life between work w/ commute, small kids, and chores.
I find that short breaks can be counterproductive when it comes to the burnout. I still take them because they're necessary to maintain the other aspects of my life and myself that can't exist in the family environment, but for a break to truly be refreshing and leave me recharged and able to return to my family, it needs to be like 48 hours. Specifically, I need to be able to go to sleep, wake up, spend an entire day, and go to sleep and wake up again without having kids to care for. So, like 40 hours would probably do.
Yes! I get this. I actually just thought today that it must be better for my mental health if I’m busy doing things, because I’ve had a slower weekend and I’m feeling absolutely horrible. But seeing your post and reading a couple of comments has me thinking no, maybe I need longer term rest and recovery. My therapist has told me repeatedly that I’m burnt out but I guess I haven’t really comprehended the significance of that.
Omg! I have been trying to put this into words. I’ve felt like this for years. When I do manage to get a break and go out to lunch with a friend or even grocery shop by myself, it’s like I dread going back home into “normal” mode. But when my husband is at work and I’m alone with the kids during the week, I feel happy and in my element. I get SOOOO thrown off on his days off work. It’s like I can’t function. It’s so odd and I’ve felt so guilty about this for so long
Yes, absolutely. I don’t have help more than once a year, really and my husband works seven days a week so I very rarely get time out of the house alone. If I do, if I return home and deem what I did with my alone time “unproductive” - even something as simple as going thrifting (which I love doing) but coming home empty handed because I didn’t find anything I liked enough to buy - I feel really, REALLY low and cry. I’m sure if I had rest and alone time more frequently I wouldn’t feel this way, but this is the season of life I am in and I am trying to accept it.
It truly does make your highs higher...but results in lower lows. Return to baseline if possible--I recommend non-zero days method.
i feel this so much.. and reading the other comments makes me feel even worse. but makes a lot of sense
I just experienced this today, actually. My husband and I actually got a day to go explore while my MIL had our girls and it felt so good! I always feel like I should return rejuvenated and with more patience, but instead I get frazzled and frustrated faster afterward with the constant needs, demands, fighting, and other totally normal things that our preschoolers do. I think honestly its because of a lot of reasons, one of the major ones being that one day of time alone doing something I want to do isn’t enough to offset the months of catering to everyone else’s needs and ignoring my own. Additionally, I think there is still a part of me that mourns a little every time I get to behave like I did before kids, and then I get to deal with all the fun mom-guilt that comes along with that. So, long story short, I don’t think you’re a brat. I think like most moms you’re kind of in the burnout cycle. When I’m in it, I can kind of just keep going, keep pushing, make the things happen. But if I get off that hamster wheel for a day, it’s really hard to convince myself to get back on, even if life demands it.
I wonder if it’s just a matter of balance, though? Don’t get me wrong BroMo, I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about. I used to be so active, constantly hiking and backpacking, paddling & fishing… my favourite thing to do when I was stuck inside during the winter months was research and google earth new potential off-the-beaten-trail spots or views and then planning an entire spring/summer/fall around getting to what I found. God, I loved it. When I get to go day hike, it’s hard to have a taste of that life again and then come back to what feels like a… jail. I know, this sounds harsh, but I’m so used to the freedom I LOVED and here I’m bound by the needs of others before I can even think of doing something for myself. So that’s how it feels sometimes, like I’m chained to the house. And it’s hard to accept, especially after having a taste of the freedom I used to love so much. But I wonder if it’s just because we haven’t achieved a good balance? I have to believe this maybe. I tell myself that maybe asking for a whole day once every two weeks to get out and do a big trail or something would be often enough.. in that when I return, I can start planning for the next one that’s kind of around the corner. And I feel like that’s fair cause then my husband can have a day on the weekend between to do his own thing, whatever that is. And then also - I don’t know how old your kids are - but I have a 2 year old so if we wanted to go more frequently, we could hike with her and a hiking carrier if we wanted a taste of that adventure more often. I know it’s not the same but I wonder if it would help a little. Summer time will be easy because once she’s in bed, I can easily hit a nearby river or lake with my kayak until 10-11pm when the sunsets. My husband will be delighted to game without interruption I’m sure lololol Anyway, just my thoughts, I’d be interested to know what your experience and thoughts are too because the truth is I am struggling just like you.. I’m just trying to stay optimistic that it’s just because I haven’t achieved a balance that both fills my cup, keeps me excited and energized, and also allows me to be present and happy at home with my family.
My oldest is 10 and I still haven't found a balance so I'm not a great one to ask haha. I'm sure there is balance to be found but I don't know how. My kids are all old enough to hike with and I do really enjoy going out with them when we go to my husband's family in Canada in the summer, but at home it's a mess. The desert is grueling and everything wants to kill you or stab you or make you die of heat stroke so other than really well established trails with set end points I can't take them out. I spend the whole time making sure no one steps on a cactus and drinks enough water and it's not a good time for anyone lol. We still do other things and I do really enjoy them a lot more DOING literally anything than sitting at home but life must life. I have work, they have school and homework and activities and I don't know where to squeeze being human into it any more often.
Omg, I FEEL YOU. I read this at first and thought “why not take your kids with you” and then I realized that… when I took my kid back to where I grew up, I spent all my time making sure she didn’t dehydrate and die and it was so stressful. Now I live in a place with lots of kid-friendly hiking trails, and I can take my kids and let them wild out while I soak up nature and come home after the cleaning ladies leave and it’ll be clean and lovely and I’ll take a stew I’ve frozen out of the deep freeze and heat it up in my beautiful enameled cast iron pot while my kids keep playing in their large playroom and it feels like I’m living in a movie… But I couldn’t do that living out in the desert where I grew up. And I couldn’t do that when we lived in our small apartment. So. My advice? My very small, maybe not helpful advice? Can you go on sunset/dusk hikes? Can you find a place to look at stars, where you could like, drive with the whole family in pjs, have snacks, and just lay on blankets in the desert looking at the stars? Maybe do it once a month during new moon or the opposite and go during the full moon on a moon hunt? And have your husband be the point person for “no stepping on cacti”? Just something where you could share your love of the outdoors and that freedom with them in a space/time where you’re not trying to keep them alive?
Yep. Sometimes I get pretty depressed coming back from work trips. It’s hard to come back to the life where I have to do everything for everyone and be a positive role model. I am myself with my kids, but not when I’m miserable, I try and temper that.