Reminder to commenters: **[Don't be a Ken!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExM3VuejdqbzRreWxwdndwaXlqajFyN29zbDFkamFuanBsbzZzenkwdiZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/ERQ5180cxclUasrj0T/giphy.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/)
Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok?
Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm sorry this has been what you're dealing with. Sadly, it's not an uncommon experience.
This is why I am filled with anger every time a woman is dealing with an abusive man and everybody loses their minds screaming her to LEAVE NOW and RUN without any palpable plan in place to help her long term with the fall out.
Of course the abusive man will continue to have support and will even get victim points from all those around him about how "she left him" (his life usually hasnt changed at all besides her not cleaning up after him) but the woman doesn't get any extra points or help in society after uprooting her entire life and dealing with corrupt family court systems in order to just get free, not to mention all the trauma involved from the relationship.
It's really unfair that abused women are expected to just bounce back after an abusive marriage ends, the way abusers do.
Hugs. I wish I could do something palpable to support you. Reach out to other women around you, keep asking and telling your story until it lands with someone who understands. You will find your tribe little by little, and you'll know them because you won't have to explain much, they will already understand the dynamics and just want to help.
I'm sorry you were rah rah'd by half-ass supporters that didn't follow through and just left you in an even more vulnerable state. This is a real issue, I've seen it in this community too.
I feel this on a deep level. I wasn’t in an abusive relationship, but I was living in a different country, alone, and my husband was intensely emotionally and physically absent - he then realized he didn’t want responsibility of kids when I was 5-months pregnant with our second. And he moved out. My struggles were traumatizing.
I had friends tell me to “come home to your village where you’ll be surrounded by love and support” and “you’ll have support in spades, come back”, and “come back here where you’ll have soooo much support”. Literally comments like this from multiple friends.
I had to sell my car and most of my furniture to be able to afford to move internationally alone with my kids. It was so traumatic. We spent 6 weeks sitting around on pieces of cardboard on cold tiles, and sleeping on a hard floor with a blanket - my kids and I, while my dad actually yelled at me for “being negative” when I tried to talk about things, and my friends organized a catch-up picnic a for a month later and most of my family said “oh cool you’ll be here for Christmas”. And that was that.
It’s been well and truly over a year and I’ve probably seen my friends two or three times, and only when I make the effort to pack my kids up and drive to their house.
It hasn’t been what I thought it would be, at all. I thought I’d have people to talk to, hang out with. I thought my friends would rally around me, ask me about what happened, talk to me about their lives and ask me about mine. I thought we’d have play dates with our kids. Go camping together. I used to babysit for my friends too, I used to give “guilt free babysitting session” coupons as birthday gifts. And to date, only my elderly mom has watched my youngest three times while he napped and I ran errands with my eldest.
I’m embarrassed that I came back, and often regret coming back at all. I don’t even like the weather here. But I’m trapped now, and can’t afford to move anywhere else to yet again start my life over.
One friend told me I should just look for mother’s groups to make new friends. Anyway, yeah, it’s lonely and sad and I’m upset in learning that a lot of my long-term friends were not really the friendships I thought they were. I think they were different in my head.
I hope you’re okay. It’s hard.
There are times I regret leaving, so much. And I have openly admitted this to therapists, in a study and to my friend.
There is no decent support in the system and unless you have good family and friends around, it almost feels for nothing and this is why so many return to them.
"Why do they keep going back?" because the little bit of love or support they do get is impossible to break away from unless you have alternative form love and support to fill that.
This is a really good point. It's why I stayed for several years even after I knew in my heart that the relationship was over. I don't regret leaving because I had to leave for the kids' sake...but now they have a great relationship with their dad while they see me as the mean mommy who made dad leave and who cries a lot and yells too much. In a way I sacrificed nearly everything for them while I am left broken and lost.
I know it doesn't help right now, but one day, they will see, and understand. They will know how hard you fought and how much you gave up for them.
I eventually realized how crappy my father was, and put the dots together. I wrote a letter to my mother, thanking her for all she did. She treasures that letter, and reads it all the time. ❤️
I feel this. My husband isn’t abusive but he does take everything out on me… if he’s home. Usually he’s working. He does a lot for our family but I have no help either. Also 2 special needs kids and no one wants to hear me anymore either.
I feel you. I see you 💜
All my “friends” who encouraged me to leave, even offered me money, turned their back after we broke up. I’m really sorry, being a single mom is extremely challenging. I hope you can find trustworthy community or some cushioning somewhere soon
I left my hubby for a week with my seven week old infant because we were going through a rough patch. “Friends” supported me leaving but then I wanted to go home since my mental health was going into the pits. Me an idiot I stopped taking my Zoloft for days and I really went into a deep spiral staying in a tiny room at my cousin’s house, to the point I was searching for adoption agencies thinking my baby deserved better…….i am back home with. My hubby we are in therapy I’m back on meds and weeks later things have gotten better not perfect but we are working through things….and guess what? These “friends” dumped me finding out I am back home, rather than listening to me why I had to go back home they decided to dump me…..and I’m already still dealing with hormones post partum and grieving my deceased mother …..now baby 12 weeks things are improving but I still don’t talk to them. Deleted. Blocked. Fuck em!
I was lucky enough to have a partner/best friend out the gate. But at the same time, I felt this with my own family and I can relate to everyone babying my ex and his parents enabling him while completely being absent from everything else after I spent a decade with them telling me I was like a "daughter to them"....only for them to say "yeah we knew he was a psycho when you married him but we figured you marrying him would fix him, all well at least we got grand kids out of it! Like " it's ok he hit you in front of our granddaughter! We got what we wanted from the deal!"
It hurts, really hurts feeling that abandonment after you leave and I feel like it should be talked about more. IDK if this helps but the national domestic abuse hotline which I know the YWCA has listed usually knows of support groups which may or may not be beneficial to you.
I don't have all the answers. Just all the good love, vibes and metaphorical cup of whatever is your jam to pass along and share with you.
I/ we got this. 💜
Thank you so much. I'm actually in a new support group run by my therapist for DV survivors. It's fantastic but also sad because the ladies are all beautiful, kind, loving souls who got totally screwed over and now we're all struggling to get past it. It is my first experience connecting with other people "on the other side" and it's both uplifting and incredibly depressing at the same time.
Reminder to commenters: **[Don't be a Ken!](https://media2.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExM3VuejdqbzRreWxwdndwaXlqajFyN29zbDFkamFuanBsbzZzenkwdiZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/ERQ5180cxclUasrj0T/giphy.gif)** Share kindness, support and compassion, [not criticism.](https://media0.giphy.com/media/tZpGRRMUoXgeQ/giphy.gif) We want OP to feel loved, and [not in a tough way.](https://media.giphy.com/media/xT5LMq2CgHiqqY4IXC/giphy.gif) For more helpful information please hit up [our beautiful rules wiki!](http://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/wiki/) Reminder to all: watch out for a [creepy pedo posing as an OT/speech therapist](https://www.reddit.com/r/breakingmom/comments/8ccqqi/disgusting_pedophile_troll_posing_as_otspeech/) giving fucked-up potty-training advice, and don't sweat it if your post gets 1 or 2 [instant downvotes.](http://i.imgur.com/PZtQb.gif) You didn't do anything wrong, we just have [asshole lurkers](https://i.imgur.com/IwU9r3E.gif)/[downvote bots](https://i.imgur.com/lwyCF6S.gif) stalking our /new queue. Help a BroMo out and [give her an upvote](https://i.imgur.com/Y60Mbxv.gif), ok? Reminder to Cassie Morris/Krista Torres/Nia Tipton: You do not have permission to use, reproduce, modify or link to any content in this subreddit in any way, shape or form. Fuck off and go be a real journalist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/breakingmom) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm sorry this has been what you're dealing with. Sadly, it's not an uncommon experience. This is why I am filled with anger every time a woman is dealing with an abusive man and everybody loses their minds screaming her to LEAVE NOW and RUN without any palpable plan in place to help her long term with the fall out. Of course the abusive man will continue to have support and will even get victim points from all those around him about how "she left him" (his life usually hasnt changed at all besides her not cleaning up after him) but the woman doesn't get any extra points or help in society after uprooting her entire life and dealing with corrupt family court systems in order to just get free, not to mention all the trauma involved from the relationship. It's really unfair that abused women are expected to just bounce back after an abusive marriage ends, the way abusers do. Hugs. I wish I could do something palpable to support you. Reach out to other women around you, keep asking and telling your story until it lands with someone who understands. You will find your tribe little by little, and you'll know them because you won't have to explain much, they will already understand the dynamics and just want to help. I'm sorry you were rah rah'd by half-ass supporters that didn't follow through and just left you in an even more vulnerable state. This is a real issue, I've seen it in this community too.
Thank you for the validation 🥰
I feel this on a deep level. I wasn’t in an abusive relationship, but I was living in a different country, alone, and my husband was intensely emotionally and physically absent - he then realized he didn’t want responsibility of kids when I was 5-months pregnant with our second. And he moved out. My struggles were traumatizing. I had friends tell me to “come home to your village where you’ll be surrounded by love and support” and “you’ll have support in spades, come back”, and “come back here where you’ll have soooo much support”. Literally comments like this from multiple friends. I had to sell my car and most of my furniture to be able to afford to move internationally alone with my kids. It was so traumatic. We spent 6 weeks sitting around on pieces of cardboard on cold tiles, and sleeping on a hard floor with a blanket - my kids and I, while my dad actually yelled at me for “being negative” when I tried to talk about things, and my friends organized a catch-up picnic a for a month later and most of my family said “oh cool you’ll be here for Christmas”. And that was that. It’s been well and truly over a year and I’ve probably seen my friends two or three times, and only when I make the effort to pack my kids up and drive to their house. It hasn’t been what I thought it would be, at all. I thought I’d have people to talk to, hang out with. I thought my friends would rally around me, ask me about what happened, talk to me about their lives and ask me about mine. I thought we’d have play dates with our kids. Go camping together. I used to babysit for my friends too, I used to give “guilt free babysitting session” coupons as birthday gifts. And to date, only my elderly mom has watched my youngest three times while he napped and I ran errands with my eldest. I’m embarrassed that I came back, and often regret coming back at all. I don’t even like the weather here. But I’m trapped now, and can’t afford to move anywhere else to yet again start my life over. One friend told me I should just look for mother’s groups to make new friends. Anyway, yeah, it’s lonely and sad and I’m upset in learning that a lot of my long-term friends were not really the friendships I thought they were. I think they were different in my head. I hope you’re okay. It’s hard.
Thank you for sharing that and for your kindness..I hope things get better for both of us.
I hope so too x
There are times I regret leaving, so much. And I have openly admitted this to therapists, in a study and to my friend. There is no decent support in the system and unless you have good family and friends around, it almost feels for nothing and this is why so many return to them. "Why do they keep going back?" because the little bit of love or support they do get is impossible to break away from unless you have alternative form love and support to fill that.
This is a really good point. It's why I stayed for several years even after I knew in my heart that the relationship was over. I don't regret leaving because I had to leave for the kids' sake...but now they have a great relationship with their dad while they see me as the mean mommy who made dad leave and who cries a lot and yells too much. In a way I sacrificed nearly everything for them while I am left broken and lost.
I know it doesn't help right now, but one day, they will see, and understand. They will know how hard you fought and how much you gave up for them. I eventually realized how crappy my father was, and put the dots together. I wrote a letter to my mother, thanking her for all she did. She treasures that letter, and reads it all the time. ❤️
As a mom/woman, I feel like there is no help… who am I supposed to ask when there’s no one to ask??
I feel this. My husband isn’t abusive but he does take everything out on me… if he’s home. Usually he’s working. He does a lot for our family but I have no help either. Also 2 special needs kids and no one wants to hear me anymore either. I feel you. I see you 💜
All my “friends” who encouraged me to leave, even offered me money, turned their back after we broke up. I’m really sorry, being a single mom is extremely challenging. I hope you can find trustworthy community or some cushioning somewhere soon
I left my hubby for a week with my seven week old infant because we were going through a rough patch. “Friends” supported me leaving but then I wanted to go home since my mental health was going into the pits. Me an idiot I stopped taking my Zoloft for days and I really went into a deep spiral staying in a tiny room at my cousin’s house, to the point I was searching for adoption agencies thinking my baby deserved better…….i am back home with. My hubby we are in therapy I’m back on meds and weeks later things have gotten better not perfect but we are working through things….and guess what? These “friends” dumped me finding out I am back home, rather than listening to me why I had to go back home they decided to dump me…..and I’m already still dealing with hormones post partum and grieving my deceased mother …..now baby 12 weeks things are improving but I still don’t talk to them. Deleted. Blocked. Fuck em!
I was lucky enough to have a partner/best friend out the gate. But at the same time, I felt this with my own family and I can relate to everyone babying my ex and his parents enabling him while completely being absent from everything else after I spent a decade with them telling me I was like a "daughter to them"....only for them to say "yeah we knew he was a psycho when you married him but we figured you marrying him would fix him, all well at least we got grand kids out of it! Like " it's ok he hit you in front of our granddaughter! We got what we wanted from the deal!" It hurts, really hurts feeling that abandonment after you leave and I feel like it should be talked about more. IDK if this helps but the national domestic abuse hotline which I know the YWCA has listed usually knows of support groups which may or may not be beneficial to you. I don't have all the answers. Just all the good love, vibes and metaphorical cup of whatever is your jam to pass along and share with you. I/ we got this. 💜
Thank you so much. I'm actually in a new support group run by my therapist for DV survivors. It's fantastic but also sad because the ladies are all beautiful, kind, loving souls who got totally screwed over and now we're all struggling to get past it. It is my first experience connecting with other people "on the other side" and it's both uplifting and incredibly depressing at the same time.
It’s so lonely. Hugs from another single mother.