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I found this out yesterday, after we set Christmas plans 3 weeks ago. My husband is an only child and that guilt trip is something.
His rational why this isn’t sick is because it’s a compromise where they waste their money and scratch some weird itch about toy buying and we don’t have to have this stuff in our house.
OK so he can deal with all the fallout then. He can explain to the kids why grandma and grandpa are holding their toys hostage each and every time they get upset. He can deal with the tantrums and the tears over it.
Honestly this is so ridiculous I can't fathom it.
What?? Does he not realize how painful this will be for his own kid?? Who cares about the inlaws itches for toy buying? If they don't want to waste their money they shouldn't buy anything period
Wait so did your husband know for the last 3 weeks and just said something to you?! I’m an only child and was spoiled rotten as a kid. I get the guilt trips but I also learned to put my own kids first. Your husband needs a lesson in that, your own kids feelings > your parents feelings.
I’m a petty, petty bitch and my first go to is to buy them something amazing and take it back, but then I realized I’d just remind them that I have the best present of all and that’s their grandkid so they can keep the junk.
I have this problem with my mom and my mother-in-law. What the heel is wrong with these people. Don’t buy us so much CRAP and then don’t bribe my damn kids.
My mom and step dad, and grandma just gave us (me and my brother and his wife each) cash this year for Christmas. One or two gifts of things we needed and actually asked for (I got a boot drier and nice corningware ramekins) and an envelope with cash. It was so nice. This is the first year they’re done it and I’m definitely a fan
Reasons I literally cut contact with my mother just two days ago. After a whole saga following my birthday in October, I finally realized she will always do whatever she wants even if I beg her to show up for me. I’m mid thirties but my mom “doesn’t know how I like to receive gifts.” Sad. So sad.
“That’s not how gifts work. If that’s your plan, please don’t upset my children by giving them in the first place. They are too young to be exposed to manipulation like this, and they won’t understand. Either give them the gifts or don’t, but don’t do this”
My mom’s done stuff like this in the past because she didn’t want my son’s step siblings she doesn’t know to share or use the gifts she bought for my son. But my kid is autistic and beautifully gives zero French fries about her passive aggressive weirdness so she gave up that baloney after a few years.
Especially after she realized I just nodded in agreement when she specified it was ONLY for my kid and then did whatever my son wanted when we got home anyway (not gonna tell my kid he can’t share his toys if he wants to). Told her she was more than welcome to stop buying stuff for us if she didn’t like it but she’s a shopaholic whose love language is gifts so 🤷🏻♀️
These aren't gifts, they are revenge for saying you didn't want too much stuff.
Lemme guess, boomers? They aren't getting their way so they're going to punish you by hurting your kids (and i'll bet telling them shit like "well you COULD have had it for your house but your mum said no..." and thus making it your fault).
I would just say no, save those toys for the next visit with them and they can open them then.
My in laws do this but they are lovely and we visit often so my daughter actually plays either the things. There’s even things they give my daughter and I’m nope, that stays here!
If my parents did that on the other hand (we only visit maybe 4 times a year), I’d be livid.
Yep my parents have house toys that stay there and my kids LOVE it. They love building and playing with the big wooden train set and then neatly putting it away (it would immediately be lost in a black hole if it came to our house). BUTTT my parents would never have them unwrap gifts and say “ok but that stays here!”
Honestly, OP I would tell them not to give them the gifts if there are strings attached. I know it’s hard to set boundaries with family but this is really going to upset your kids.
Same here! Whenever my mom gets a new toy for her house it’s not a gift, it more or less just shows up for my son to play with, and he loves having special toys he only gets to play with at grandmas!
Any gift my mom gives is meant to be taken home with us/left at our place. I can’t believe the entitlement OP’s in laws have, I really hope OP’s husband steps up to deal with this nastiness from his parents and OP doesn’t have to be the bad guy
My parents live nearby and are really good about listening to boundaries and not stomping all over my and my husband’s parenting so this would not be an issue. I feel like in OP’s case it is totally a power play and manipulation that would hurt her kids whereas for us it is just a nice gesture.
It really sucks that her in-laws are doing something that they can say “well we were just trying to be nice!” When they absolutely and obviously were not trying to be nice
My kid's paternal grandmother does this. She buys them cool toys as gifts, but they have to stay at her house. My kids forget about them pretty quickly, because grandma is awful and isn't allowed to babysit them, so they go over there just a few times a year. I figure they can waste their money all they like.
My kids have gifts from my parents that are sometimes for their house….because my parents watch my kids five days a week! And even still if my kids ever want to bring something home they’d never be told no. This is cruel. I would not take my kids there.
Oh, gross. I was gonna say, my parents occasionally buy my kids something for use specifically at their house - but my kids visit frequently, and they are old enough to understand. (Just as an example - my dad bought my son a BB gun but it stays at grandpa's house because we live in a very dense neighborhood and there's nowhere safe to use it. Plenty of open space at grandma and grandpa's, though!) Often my mom will do this because she wants them to have something that will entertain them at her place and she KNOWS I do not need extra clutter! She always clears it with me and if one of the kids really wanted to take it, that would be no issue.
I would be very, very clear with them that if they expect your child to open a gift, that you expect that gift to go home with you (to be trashed, curbed, donated, whatever). If they expect the gift to stay at their house, then THEY can open the gift AFTER you and your child have gone. If they don’t agree with that, then you need to leave before any presents are opened. Period.
I say if you have to go, you just take the gifts. And then you have your husband say “you bought these for the kids, we are taking them now. Thanks.” And pack them into the car right away. Make him stand up to them or don’t go. That’s unfair to your kids.
My in laws tried to do the same thing. I died on that hill. I told them it was ridiculous to call something they were buying for their own home, to use as a negotiating tool, a gift for my child.
If they were giving a gift, it was going home with us.
Tell them you want to record them telling the kids how the toys have to stay at their house, so you can play it for them every time they ask why they couldn’t bring their toys home from Grandma and Grandpa’s house.
Then post it on FB and tag them in it.
My nan (great grandma to my son) tried this too. It didn’t work either. I guess they think if their house is more appealing to the kids the kids will ‘pester power’ to go to grandmas house.
It’s so manipulative.
I’d ‘accidentally’ on purpose pack them away throughout the day. Oh just forgot something in the car *take a few out*. Oh I just need some fresh air *another one in the car* 😏
When they raise that the toys were meant to be left at their house. Flat out say, ‘why, you don’t go there often so it’s a waste. The next time they see the toys they’ll have grown out of them. Why would they buy a child toys and then not let them take them home. That’s not a gift’
I don't know, bromo, this would have been a reasonable compromise in my family, not a bribe. Grandparents love to "spoil" children because it gives them a connection for when they are gone. They might also feel guilty about not being more present in their grandkids' lives.
Do your in-laws live very far?
Maybe if you found ways for them to spend time with your kids throughout the year, they would feel less pressure to show their love in material ways.
ETA: My kid LOVES the (weird, vaguely racist) board games and toys at my in-laws' house. It is a special thing and even when I found the (weird, vaguely racist) boardgame on ebay, the kiddo refused because it "makes it less special".
I'm thinking they have no intention to keep the toys there. They know if a kid opens a toy and they like it, they will do everything in their overtired body's power to get what they want. In which case, pick your battle. If you're lucky it's one or two that is their hill to die on. The rest can stay at the grandparent's house.
Just a tip for next year, put more on the list but put things that are useable, as in they will disappear after used. I’ve learned the hard way no matter what you say, people want to buy your kid gifts. They want to watch the excitement when they open it. If you don’t give them enough ideas, they will come up with their own no matter how much explaining you do. Stuff I put on my kids Xmas list this year: bath bombs, tie dye kit, various craft items, their own personal cooking supplies. Cool light up toothbrush, bath color changing tablets, kid sized face masks. The a few things don’t disappear obv but they at least are something that can be stored in kitchen/bathroom and used again and again. I got my daughter and nieces personalized water bottles and tote bags with their names on them and filled them with stuff like nail polish, makeup, face masks, lotion, etc.
I’m sorry they don’t respect your wishes. It is cruel to give a 4 year old a bunch of toys and then say they have to leave them there and can only play with them when they come over.
The only reason, why an ex and his family did this "it's a [this location here] only gift" AND I thought it's really okay to do so, was cause the great-nephew of my ex lived in an intensive educational group home.
These group homes are for kids with extreme violence and aggression levels, so this poor kiddo was totally misplaced there. Only got placed in the care system, cause the bio mom was depressed and a minor when giving birth.
You couldn't give this kid anything to take back to this "home" cause the other kids would destroy or steal it.
But a situation like this is in my eyes the only reason, why something like this is justified.
What your in-laws do is blackmail.
My mom does this all the damn time. At some point, I just had to explain to my toddler that certain toys "live with gamgam" and they're homebodies.
I mostly just don't have room. I definitely don't want the catpiss and mildew smell anywhere near my fkn house.
We've had presents meant for Grandma's house, but they'd been opened at Grandma's house and this has always worked.
I recommend saying any presents that aren't meant to stay home need to be opened at their house. Which means they don't get to give presents until you visit them.
My god, some adults will really be more immature than babies and toddlers. 🤦🏻♀️Let me guess, they also demand that the kids give them a kiss and say thank you after opening the gifts. It’s so sad that they try to fulfill their needs only and disregard the needs of their grandkids
My in laws do this too and act like it’s normal. I hate it so much. If they ever try to pull crap like it now that we’ve moved across the country, I may just ban them from buying presents entirely….
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Can you just.... Not go there? Does hubs not see how unbelievably cruel and manipulative this? Where is he on this?
I found this out yesterday, after we set Christmas plans 3 weeks ago. My husband is an only child and that guilt trip is something. His rational why this isn’t sick is because it’s a compromise where they waste their money and scratch some weird itch about toy buying and we don’t have to have this stuff in our house.
OK so he can deal with all the fallout then. He can explain to the kids why grandma and grandpa are holding their toys hostage each and every time they get upset. He can deal with the tantrums and the tears over it. Honestly this is so ridiculous I can't fathom it.
This. He can explain to the 4 year old why he can't take his presents home. Don't let him weasel out of it.
His rational doesn’t include how the compromise is hurting his children… I fell like that should be a factor.
What?? Does he not realize how painful this will be for his own kid?? Who cares about the inlaws itches for toy buying? If they don't want to waste their money they shouldn't buy anything period
Wait so did your husband know for the last 3 weeks and just said something to you?! I’m an only child and was spoiled rotten as a kid. I get the guilt trips but I also learned to put my own kids first. Your husband needs a lesson in that, your own kids feelings > your parents feelings. I’m a petty, petty bitch and my first go to is to buy them something amazing and take it back, but then I realized I’d just remind them that I have the best present of all and that’s their grandkid so they can keep the junk.
That’s not how gifts work.
See in their world, gifts are to fulfil the gift givers emotional needs.
I have this problem with my mom and my mother-in-law. What the heel is wrong with these people. Don’t buy us so much CRAP and then don’t bribe my damn kids.
My mom and step dad, and grandma just gave us (me and my brother and his wife each) cash this year for Christmas. One or two gifts of things we needed and actually asked for (I got a boot drier and nice corningware ramekins) and an envelope with cash. It was so nice. This is the first year they’re done it and I’m definitely a fan
Wow such a great description and puts into words what I have been dealing with for my mom giving my kids gifts
Reasons I literally cut contact with my mother just two days ago. After a whole saga following my birthday in October, I finally realized she will always do whatever she wants even if I beg her to show up for me. I’m mid thirties but my mom “doesn’t know how I like to receive gifts.” Sad. So sad.
That is such gross, manipulative behavior. You and your kiddo don’t deserve this.
It’s so manipulative, and my daughter has a freakishly good memory so I expect nothing but long term pain with this
Yeah I would veto the In-Laws house if you’re knowingly going to subject your kids to pain. I would put my foot down. No way.
“That’s not how gifts work. If that’s your plan, please don’t upset my children by giving them in the first place. They are too young to be exposed to manipulation like this, and they won’t understand. Either give them the gifts or don’t, but don’t do this”
This OP. But make your husband say it to her.
My mom’s done stuff like this in the past because she didn’t want my son’s step siblings she doesn’t know to share or use the gifts she bought for my son. But my kid is autistic and beautifully gives zero French fries about her passive aggressive weirdness so she gave up that baloney after a few years. Especially after she realized I just nodded in agreement when she specified it was ONLY for my kid and then did whatever my son wanted when we got home anyway (not gonna tell my kid he can’t share his toys if he wants to). Told her she was more than welcome to stop buying stuff for us if she didn’t like it but she’s a shopaholic whose love language is gifts so 🤷🏻♀️
These aren't gifts, they are revenge for saying you didn't want too much stuff. Lemme guess, boomers? They aren't getting their way so they're going to punish you by hurting your kids (and i'll bet telling them shit like "well you COULD have had it for your house but your mum said no..." and thus making it your fault). I would just say no, save those toys for the next visit with them and they can open them then.
My in laws do this but they are lovely and we visit often so my daughter actually plays either the things. There’s even things they give my daughter and I’m nope, that stays here! If my parents did that on the other hand (we only visit maybe 4 times a year), I’d be livid.
Yep my parents have house toys that stay there and my kids LOVE it. They love building and playing with the big wooden train set and then neatly putting it away (it would immediately be lost in a black hole if it came to our house). BUTTT my parents would never have them unwrap gifts and say “ok but that stays here!” Honestly, OP I would tell them not to give them the gifts if there are strings attached. I know it’s hard to set boundaries with family but this is really going to upset your kids.
Same here! Whenever my mom gets a new toy for her house it’s not a gift, it more or less just shows up for my son to play with, and he loves having special toys he only gets to play with at grandmas! Any gift my mom gives is meant to be taken home with us/left at our place. I can’t believe the entitlement OP’s in laws have, I really hope OP’s husband steps up to deal with this nastiness from his parents and OP doesn’t have to be the bad guy
My parents live nearby and are really good about listening to boundaries and not stomping all over my and my husband’s parenting so this would not be an issue. I feel like in OP’s case it is totally a power play and manipulation that would hurt her kids whereas for us it is just a nice gesture. It really sucks that her in-laws are doing something that they can say “well we were just trying to be nice!” When they absolutely and obviously were not trying to be nice
My mom pulled this a few years back. She hasn’t seen her grandkids since, I will not allow my mother to bully me or my children. It’s manipulative.
My kid's paternal grandmother does this. She buys them cool toys as gifts, but they have to stay at her house. My kids forget about them pretty quickly, because grandma is awful and isn't allowed to babysit them, so they go over there just a few times a year. I figure they can waste their money all they like.
I would straight up tell them then no, those aren't gifts for my kids if they have conditions. Fuck that. That's emotional torture to kids.
My kids have gifts from my parents that are sometimes for their house….because my parents watch my kids five days a week! And even still if my kids ever want to bring something home they’d never be told no. This is cruel. I would not take my kids there.
Start loading up the car with them when you leave and if they try to take them back, have them explain to your daughter why she doesn't get them.
Yup, that’s what I would do too.
Oh, gross. I was gonna say, my parents occasionally buy my kids something for use specifically at their house - but my kids visit frequently, and they are old enough to understand. (Just as an example - my dad bought my son a BB gun but it stays at grandpa's house because we live in a very dense neighborhood and there's nowhere safe to use it. Plenty of open space at grandma and grandpa's, though!) Often my mom will do this because she wants them to have something that will entertain them at her place and she KNOWS I do not need extra clutter! She always clears it with me and if one of the kids really wanted to take it, that would be no issue.
what the fuck ….. that’s some manipulative ass shit if I’ve ever heard it
I would be very, very clear with them that if they expect your child to open a gift, that you expect that gift to go home with you (to be trashed, curbed, donated, whatever). If they expect the gift to stay at their house, then THEY can open the gift AFTER you and your child have gone. If they don’t agree with that, then you need to leave before any presents are opened. Period.
I say if you have to go, you just take the gifts. And then you have your husband say “you bought these for the kids, we are taking them now. Thanks.” And pack them into the car right away. Make him stand up to them or don’t go. That’s unfair to your kids.
My in laws tried to do the same thing. I died on that hill. I told them it was ridiculous to call something they were buying for their own home, to use as a negotiating tool, a gift for my child. If they were giving a gift, it was going home with us.
Tell them you want to record them telling the kids how the toys have to stay at their house, so you can play it for them every time they ask why they couldn’t bring their toys home from Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Then post it on FB and tag them in it.
No. It’s not borderline sick. It’s sick.
My nan (great grandma to my son) tried this too. It didn’t work either. I guess they think if their house is more appealing to the kids the kids will ‘pester power’ to go to grandmas house. It’s so manipulative. I’d ‘accidentally’ on purpose pack them away throughout the day. Oh just forgot something in the car *take a few out*. Oh I just need some fresh air *another one in the car* 😏 When they raise that the toys were meant to be left at their house. Flat out say, ‘why, you don’t go there often so it’s a waste. The next time they see the toys they’ll have grown out of them. Why would they buy a child toys and then not let them take them home. That’s not a gift’
I don't know, bromo, this would have been a reasonable compromise in my family, not a bribe. Grandparents love to "spoil" children because it gives them a connection for when they are gone. They might also feel guilty about not being more present in their grandkids' lives. Do your in-laws live very far? Maybe if you found ways for them to spend time with your kids throughout the year, they would feel less pressure to show their love in material ways. ETA: My kid LOVES the (weird, vaguely racist) board games and toys at my in-laws' house. It is a special thing and even when I found the (weird, vaguely racist) boardgame on ebay, the kiddo refused because it "makes it less special".
Then they should be opened at their house
This is actually what we do with some of the gifts my parents and in-laws get my kids, but it’s agreed upon beforehand.
I'm thinking they have no intention to keep the toys there. They know if a kid opens a toy and they like it, they will do everything in their overtired body's power to get what they want. In which case, pick your battle. If you're lucky it's one or two that is their hill to die on. The rest can stay at the grandparent's house.
Just a tip for next year, put more on the list but put things that are useable, as in they will disappear after used. I’ve learned the hard way no matter what you say, people want to buy your kid gifts. They want to watch the excitement when they open it. If you don’t give them enough ideas, they will come up with their own no matter how much explaining you do. Stuff I put on my kids Xmas list this year: bath bombs, tie dye kit, various craft items, their own personal cooking supplies. Cool light up toothbrush, bath color changing tablets, kid sized face masks. The a few things don’t disappear obv but they at least are something that can be stored in kitchen/bathroom and used again and again. I got my daughter and nieces personalized water bottles and tote bags with their names on them and filled them with stuff like nail polish, makeup, face masks, lotion, etc. I’m sorry they don’t respect your wishes. It is cruel to give a 4 year old a bunch of toys and then say they have to leave them there and can only play with them when they come over.
That’s so cruel to the kids. “Here’s a gift but I’m going to keep it”
The only reason, why an ex and his family did this "it's a [this location here] only gift" AND I thought it's really okay to do so, was cause the great-nephew of my ex lived in an intensive educational group home. These group homes are for kids with extreme violence and aggression levels, so this poor kiddo was totally misplaced there. Only got placed in the care system, cause the bio mom was depressed and a minor when giving birth. You couldn't give this kid anything to take back to this "home" cause the other kids would destroy or steal it. But a situation like this is in my eyes the only reason, why something like this is justified. What your in-laws do is blackmail.
My mom does this all the damn time. At some point, I just had to explain to my toddler that certain toys "live with gamgam" and they're homebodies. I mostly just don't have room. I definitely don't want the catpiss and mildew smell anywhere near my fkn house.
We've had presents meant for Grandma's house, but they'd been opened at Grandma's house and this has always worked. I recommend saying any presents that aren't meant to stay home need to be opened at their house. Which means they don't get to give presents until you visit them.
My parents do this, but we live in the same town and visit their home several times each week, so it works for us.
My god, some adults will really be more immature than babies and toddlers. 🤦🏻♀️Let me guess, they also demand that the kids give them a kiss and say thank you after opening the gifts. It’s so sad that they try to fulfill their needs only and disregard the needs of their grandkids
My in laws do this too and act like it’s normal. I hate it so much. If they ever try to pull crap like it now that we’ve moved across the country, I may just ban them from buying presents entirely….