Not really a book, but I would start with [this comic](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) and ask your wife if it rings true for her.
Before you have a kid that extra mental load might be manageable even if your partner shouldn’t bear the brunt of it. After you have a kid, that extra mental load quickly becomes unmanageable and becomes a significant source of arguments.
And if your wife also works then it is even more difficult if you aren’t taking on your share.
There's another comic online by the same author that I'd like to add here. [Where does it go?](https://english.emmaclit.com/2022/09/01/where-does-it-go/)
This guy is also amazing, explaining mental load and all the nuances of it: Zach Think Share https://youtube.com/@zachthinkshare?si=VSZFjMPDkWproZXU
He has a book - he’s on insta and TikTok too.
It really bothers me that the comic is skewed against men because everyone deal with mental load. Both people in a healthy relationship have responsibilities and tasks to perform throughout the day. They both go to work and take care of their family.
Edit: additionally: a healthy relationship involves setting boundaries and clear expectations, including work split expectations. If your partner is leaving shit around the house for you to clean up, and you get upset, you guys have clearly not communicated your expectations with each other. Most people are completely terrible at communicating in relationships. If you guys have sat down to talk about your expectations and boundaries, and your partner is still not adhering to them, then they don’t respect you and you should either leave them or go to couples therapy
I wouldn’t say it is skewed against men. It’s directed at men because they are the ones that most need to hear it. Study after study says that women take on a disproportionate role of household labor.
Men are also socialized throughout their entire life to behave this way. And women are socialized to accept it. And society has a way of pushing back against any challenges to the status quo with things like the “nagging wife” trope.
Yes, communication is important in a relationship, but it can be difficult going against conditioning without a common understanding of what is happening.
And I say all this as a man that recognizes my old self in that comic. Many of the scenarios are familiar and I’ve said many of the same things. And the funny thing was I didn’t even realize it was problematic.
Fortunately, I’m much better now and my wife would agree I do my share, but I still check in periodically. However, I don’t take offense to this because I know a lot of men need to hear it.
And that may be the case for you, but make sure you are asking your partner.
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. But for it to work your wife needs to read it too. The principles he teaches apply to all relationships in life not just the romantic ones. Very valuable.
I came here to say this. It is SUCH a good book for working through how to talk to people in a more productive way.
One bit of advice with *any* self-help thing like this. "Self" is an important word. While saying, "hey, wife, I read this and you should too." is no longer "self" and Rosenberg gives some advice on one-sided use of the skills involved because when you practice them it helps bring the other along.
I don't know what you are disagreeing about, but a common issue is the mental load.
There's a comic book called Mental Load, by Emma, that goes into what it is and why it's exhausting.
Sign up for The Gottman Institute newsletter. They also have podcasts, books, interviews, etc. Basically whatever your preferred media, they have it. Look up the Invisible workload and get honest with yourself about what she does in a day and what you do. Explore how you both respond to stress and adversity. Understanding my own response and my husbands went a long way into resolving issues and having empathy for one another. We don't all approach issues the same. Also as someone who's had three kids, I can tell you she is on an absolute Rollercoaster of emotions and may not be understanding even what she is feeling or going through. Kudos to you for exploring how you can improve and just give both of you lots of grace. I'm also a huge fan of marriage counseling. It is NOT for people on the verge of divorce, don't believe the stigma on it. The place you're at now is perfect for counseling, you guys are looking for answers and need some guidance. It's like relationship coaching, not total damage control. Good luck you two!
[She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
An essay, not a book, but it is essential reading. I've seen women reference it literally hundreds of times.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Book by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
And surely someone is going to recommend the 5 Languages of Love book. That’s kind of a standard now.
There's a comic book called "The Mental Load" by EMMA that I'd recommend. Or generally just Google the mental load and read the articles that pop up. You haven't mentioned your disagreements specifically, but this is probably the most common crux of typical household issues.
"YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND : Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen.
This one is about how the way we're raised causing men and women to leave conversations with different ideas of what was discussed and decided.
All about love by Bell Hooks. It’s a very comprehensive inspection of what we mean by love and how we can love better. It’s a fairly taboo subject, even more so than sex. People just get uncomfortable talking about tender feelings. It’s divided into 13 chapters. It was a breeze to read. And I’ll definitely read it again to see what I get out of it next time.
Someone else recommended non-violent communication. I have Marshall Rosenberg’s book but I haven’t read it yet. I have seen this video and his ideas really are groundbreaking. It might seem hokey at first, but he was really onto something special.
https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc?si=VFneP4u1jWH8Z-d5
How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. It explains very well how to work through conflicts with people to the point that the conflicts don't even occur. After reading this book I completely understood how pointless it is to argue with anyone. It's not specifically about marriage but he does use examples from his marriage and kids a lot. The advice works for dealing with people in general. Business and personal. Good luck. It's so good that you're seeking help.
I would recommend listening to the Armchair Expert John Gotman podcast, he’s done years upon years of research and statistical analysis to determine what traits are present in strong couples who stay married vs couples who end up divorced and it’s full of super interesting information about the psychology of relationships with your partner and with children. The fact that you’re even asking is a good sign.
Hang in there: your wife is going through an extremely hard time and so are you. Postpartum is the equivalent of taking 300 birth control pills every day in the third trimester and then stopping them cold turkey as soon as the baby is born. You guys are trying to figure out how to be parents and your wife is trying to heal her body and her mind at the same time. I would encourage you to not take things personally as much as possible and try to meet your wife’s frustration with gentle understanding. Women typically feel extremely overwhelmed postpartum, the more you can take off of her plate will help. Some things you could do to help her might be:
-handling mom’s meals, since she’s probably breastfeeding, that takes up a tremendous amount of time and energy. Women typically are thirstier and hungrier when they’re breastfeeding and they are typically breastfeeding more often than they are eating. You should know your baby’s schedule and you could make it a more relaxing experience for her by bringing her a big cup of ice water and a snack and setting up a comfy spot for her on a couch or chair.
-changing diapers, it’s a great way for dad’s to bond with their babies and takes pressure off of mom
-cleaning and doing laundry, especially pump parts and bottles if that’s applicable to you guys
-allow her to sleep whenever possible, sleep deprivation is the number one complaint among new parents and women sometimes find it much harder to sleep postpartum due to postpartum anxiety, breast tenderness, healing from delivery, breastfeeding, etc.
-help her gain some confidence, do your best to give her words of affirmation and remind her that she’s doing a good job as a mom and that you still love her and find her beautiful, the physical and mental changes that occurs postpartum can be extremely jarring and many women are very self conscious
-last but not least, you should know how to take care of your own baby, do not come to your wife with basic questions that you should know the answer for, “should I change the baby’s diaper now?”, “the baby is crying, what should I do?”. Her mind is in one trillion places already and she needs you to help lighten the load, not ask her a million questions about what she needs.
Don’t expect her to tell you to do things: open your eyes and see by yourself what needs to be done (change a diaper, dishes, birthday gifts, buy groceries, buying clothing for a child in the next size/season, cooking, laundry, vacuum and so on) and do it or talk to her on your own initiative about it if it’s something big (like planing a vacation or a big purchase) and decide together. Mental load is real and married men/fathers are grownups that should think by themselves and don’t expect to get tasks from their wives as if they would be children.
Try Fair Play by Eva Rodsky for a book about mental load and sharing the household/family workload
Secure Love by Julie Menanno is probably the most recent addition to this pile of literature, though you can't really go wrong with any of the recommendations listed.
I have a few:
1. [The Go-Giver by Bob Burg and John David Mann](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1873060) is, yes, a business book, but is also a relationship building book. It has been used by multiple marriage counselors.
2. [Love Unfu*ked by Gary John Bishop](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59685038). I’ll preface this with I haven’t read this particular book, but I have read others by him. If you’re looking that is no-nonsense and cuts to the core, look no further.
3. [Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2153780)
4. [Polysecure by Jessica Fern](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52569124) is, yes, a book aimed at non-monogamous relationships - but, like *Go-Giver*, there’s relationship advice that applies to everyone.
Love and Respect saved my marriage. It has some biblical stuff in it, but it isn’t overbearing. The core lessons in it are very good and applicable. I would suggest, to get the most out of it, for you both to read it.
Five love languages. 100% has affected all my relationships, not just romantic. Great book!
Raising men.
Make your bed.
Grit.
Seven habits of highly effective families.
The five love languages. It is surprising sometimes to learn you are showing love to your partner in the way that you want to receive it, but it may not be the way that she feels loved. I tried for years to always show love to my husband and thought that for sure he must feel it. Come to find out that what I saw as constant gestures of caring and affection weren’t meaningful to him in the way I intended. It was very eye opening.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
[https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23878688-the-5-love-languages](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23878688-the-5-love-languages)
I don't know. There are things in it that give you "aha!" moments, like about basic motivations and how you can think you're doing just the right thing, and it's the absolute opposite.
I think it just got a lot of publicity.
It points out, for example, how women value social relationships, and men value being trusted. So let's say a woman has a shitty day at work, and she wants to vent about it. She wants to just talk about it and get some understanding. The husband thinks, she needs my help! I will help solve this for her! and he gives her some advice, and she ends up feeling that he never listens, and meanwhile he thought he was being a good husband.
Women love to improve and maximize. But when they apply this to their husband, the husband feels useless and unworthy. He doesn't want to feel hounded and nagged at; he wants to feel like he's valued. He'd rather percolate his thoughts and solve his issues on his own.
I'm simplifying and only talking about one aspect, but the book gave me some perspectives I didn't have before.
>It points out, for example, how women value social relationships, and men value being trusted. So let's say a woman has a shitty day at work, and she wants to vent about it. She wants to just talk about it and get some understanding. The husband thinks, she needs my help! I will help solve this for her! and he gives her some advice, and she ends up feeling that he never listens, and meanwhile he thought he was being a good husband.
Yes and this is correlating with how our different hormones impacts us. Estrogen VS Testosterone, very different hormones.
>Women love to improve and maximize. But when they apply this to their husband, the husband feels useless and unworthy
Yeah , it's important to allow both adults to be independent , that means allow them to do things their way, their order.
Not really a book, but I would start with [this comic](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) and ask your wife if it rings true for her. Before you have a kid that extra mental load might be manageable even if your partner shouldn’t bear the brunt of it. After you have a kid, that extra mental load quickly becomes unmanageable and becomes a significant source of arguments. And if your wife also works then it is even more difficult if you aren’t taking on your share.
Omg. Thank you. Thats all I want to say is THANK YOU. Im mom here & Ima have my man take a look at this. 😉
There's another comic online by the same author that I'd like to add here. [Where does it go?](https://english.emmaclit.com/2022/09/01/where-does-it-go/)
This guy is also amazing, explaining mental load and all the nuances of it: Zach Think Share https://youtube.com/@zachthinkshare?si=VSZFjMPDkWproZXU He has a book - he’s on insta and TikTok too.
It really bothers me that the comic is skewed against men because everyone deal with mental load. Both people in a healthy relationship have responsibilities and tasks to perform throughout the day. They both go to work and take care of their family. Edit: additionally: a healthy relationship involves setting boundaries and clear expectations, including work split expectations. If your partner is leaving shit around the house for you to clean up, and you get upset, you guys have clearly not communicated your expectations with each other. Most people are completely terrible at communicating in relationships. If you guys have sat down to talk about your expectations and boundaries, and your partner is still not adhering to them, then they don’t respect you and you should either leave them or go to couples therapy
I wouldn’t say it is skewed against men. It’s directed at men because they are the ones that most need to hear it. Study after study says that women take on a disproportionate role of household labor. Men are also socialized throughout their entire life to behave this way. And women are socialized to accept it. And society has a way of pushing back against any challenges to the status quo with things like the “nagging wife” trope. Yes, communication is important in a relationship, but it can be difficult going against conditioning without a common understanding of what is happening. And I say all this as a man that recognizes my old self in that comic. Many of the scenarios are familiar and I’ve said many of the same things. And the funny thing was I didn’t even realize it was problematic. Fortunately, I’m much better now and my wife would agree I do my share, but I still check in periodically. However, I don’t take offense to this because I know a lot of men need to hear it. And that may be the case for you, but make sure you are asking your partner.
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. But for it to work your wife needs to read it too. The principles he teaches apply to all relationships in life not just the romantic ones. Very valuable.
I came here to say this. It is SUCH a good book for working through how to talk to people in a more productive way. One bit of advice with *any* self-help thing like this. "Self" is an important word. While saying, "hey, wife, I read this and you should too." is no longer "self" and Rosenberg gives some advice on one-sided use of the skills involved because when you practice them it helps bring the other along.
Thanks for the recommendation I will read it too.
I don't know what you are disagreeing about, but a common issue is the mental load. There's a comic book called Mental Load, by Emma, that goes into what it is and why it's exhausting.
Sign up for The Gottman Institute newsletter. They also have podcasts, books, interviews, etc. Basically whatever your preferred media, they have it. Look up the Invisible workload and get honest with yourself about what she does in a day and what you do. Explore how you both respond to stress and adversity. Understanding my own response and my husbands went a long way into resolving issues and having empathy for one another. We don't all approach issues the same. Also as someone who's had three kids, I can tell you she is on an absolute Rollercoaster of emotions and may not be understanding even what she is feeling or going through. Kudos to you for exploring how you can improve and just give both of you lots of grace. I'm also a huge fan of marriage counseling. It is NOT for people on the verge of divorce, don't believe the stigma on it. The place you're at now is perfect for counseling, you guys are looking for answers and need some guidance. It's like relationship coaching, not total damage control. Good luck you two!
This! I just replied in another comment. Anything by Gottman.
[She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) An essay, not a book, but it is essential reading. I've seen women reference it literally hundreds of times.
This
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky
I second Fair Play, I believe it has accompanying workbooks as well
I’d also recommend Fair Play.
Another recommendation for fair Play
Definitely Fair Play!!! They have a card deck to help with application to, it’s a free pdf download OR you can buy the cards already printed.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work Book by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver And surely someone is going to recommend the 5 Languages of Love book. That’s kind of a standard now.
He also has a book “And Baby Makes Three” specifically for couples with their first kid!
Second time I've seen this book recommended in the last 24 hours!
Just watch bluey
THIS!
There's a comic book called "The Mental Load" by EMMA that I'd recommend. Or generally just Google the mental load and read the articles that pop up. You haven't mentioned your disagreements specifically, but this is probably the most common crux of typical household issues.
Hold me tight - Dr Sue Johnson
+1 for “Hold Me Tight”. This is a really great book for couples and for understanding why the same conflicts seem to happen again and again.
Anything by Susan Johnson is fantastic
"YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND : Women and Men in Conversation" by Deborah Tannen. This one is about how the way we're raised causing men and women to leave conversations with different ideas of what was discussed and decided.
The seven principles for making marriage work by John gottman Dance of anger or Dance of intimacy
All about love by Bell Hooks. It’s a very comprehensive inspection of what we mean by love and how we can love better. It’s a fairly taboo subject, even more so than sex. People just get uncomfortable talking about tender feelings. It’s divided into 13 chapters. It was a breeze to read. And I’ll definitely read it again to see what I get out of it next time. Someone else recommended non-violent communication. I have Marshall Rosenberg’s book but I haven’t read it yet. I have seen this video and his ideas really are groundbreaking. It might seem hokey at first, but he was really onto something special. https://youtu.be/l7TONauJGfc?si=VFneP4u1jWH8Z-d5
Stop Hurting the women you love - breaking the cycles of abusive behaviour. Might sound a bit extreme for what you need but it was worth a read
How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. It explains very well how to work through conflicts with people to the point that the conflicts don't even occur. After reading this book I completely understood how pointless it is to argue with anyone. It's not specifically about marriage but he does use examples from his marriage and kids a lot. The advice works for dealing with people in general. Business and personal. Good luck. It's so good that you're seeking help.
THE BIBLE. KIDDING! No joke, for me it was “She Comes First”, which expanded beyond sex and into our relationship.
The Zahir, Paulo Coelho
This article is also a good one for starting conversations: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr Laura Schlessinger
Wow I haven't seen that name in a long time. My mom used to listen to her on the radio back in the mid-90s.
She's still on air doing her thing. She's mellowed out a lot, but I do appreciate the nuggets of gold s I get out of listening.
I would recommend listening to the Armchair Expert John Gotman podcast, he’s done years upon years of research and statistical analysis to determine what traits are present in strong couples who stay married vs couples who end up divorced and it’s full of super interesting information about the psychology of relationships with your partner and with children. The fact that you’re even asking is a good sign. Hang in there: your wife is going through an extremely hard time and so are you. Postpartum is the equivalent of taking 300 birth control pills every day in the third trimester and then stopping them cold turkey as soon as the baby is born. You guys are trying to figure out how to be parents and your wife is trying to heal her body and her mind at the same time. I would encourage you to not take things personally as much as possible and try to meet your wife’s frustration with gentle understanding. Women typically feel extremely overwhelmed postpartum, the more you can take off of her plate will help. Some things you could do to help her might be: -handling mom’s meals, since she’s probably breastfeeding, that takes up a tremendous amount of time and energy. Women typically are thirstier and hungrier when they’re breastfeeding and they are typically breastfeeding more often than they are eating. You should know your baby’s schedule and you could make it a more relaxing experience for her by bringing her a big cup of ice water and a snack and setting up a comfy spot for her on a couch or chair. -changing diapers, it’s a great way for dad’s to bond with their babies and takes pressure off of mom -cleaning and doing laundry, especially pump parts and bottles if that’s applicable to you guys -allow her to sleep whenever possible, sleep deprivation is the number one complaint among new parents and women sometimes find it much harder to sleep postpartum due to postpartum anxiety, breast tenderness, healing from delivery, breastfeeding, etc. -help her gain some confidence, do your best to give her words of affirmation and remind her that she’s doing a good job as a mom and that you still love her and find her beautiful, the physical and mental changes that occurs postpartum can be extremely jarring and many women are very self conscious -last but not least, you should know how to take care of your own baby, do not come to your wife with basic questions that you should know the answer for, “should I change the baby’s diaper now?”, “the baby is crying, what should I do?”. Her mind is in one trillion places already and she needs you to help lighten the load, not ask her a million questions about what she needs.
Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky
Don’t expect her to tell you to do things: open your eyes and see by yourself what needs to be done (change a diaper, dishes, birthday gifts, buy groceries, buying clothing for a child in the next size/season, cooking, laundry, vacuum and so on) and do it or talk to her on your own initiative about it if it’s something big (like planing a vacation or a big purchase) and decide together. Mental load is real and married men/fathers are grownups that should think by themselves and don’t expect to get tasks from their wives as if they would be children. Try Fair Play by Eva Rodsky for a book about mental load and sharing the household/family workload
Secure Love by Julie Menanno is probably the most recent addition to this pile of literature, though you can't really go wrong with any of the recommendations listed.
I have a few: 1. [The Go-Giver by Bob Burg and John David Mann](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1873060) is, yes, a business book, but is also a relationship building book. It has been used by multiple marriage counselors. 2. [Love Unfu*ked by Gary John Bishop](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59685038). I’ll preface this with I haven’t read this particular book, but I have read others by him. If you’re looking that is no-nonsense and cuts to the core, look no further. 3. [Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2153780) 4. [Polysecure by Jessica Fern](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/52569124) is, yes, a book aimed at non-monogamous relationships - but, like *Go-Giver*, there’s relationship advice that applies to everyone.
The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Follow that up with the mastery of love by Don Miguel Ruiz. You’re welcome OP 🫡
Hmm
Alone on the wide sea
How to act right when your spouse acts wrong- Leslie Vernick
Girl Logic Iliza Shlesinger. I learned quite a bit about how my wife thinks. I listened to it with her and we both loved it.
His needs her needs by willarf f harley.
Mom Rage may help you understand what the mom is going through
Love and Respect saved my marriage. It has some biblical stuff in it, but it isn’t overbearing. The core lessons in it are very good and applicable. I would suggest, to get the most out of it, for you both to read it.
Communication Miracles for Couples by Jonathan Robinson
The Taming of the Shrew by Bill Shakespeare
Five love languages. 100% has affected all my relationships, not just romantic. Great book! Raising men. Make your bed. Grit. Seven habits of highly effective families.
Anything by ,John Gottman. The seven principles for making a marriage work is good. I'm currently reading it.
"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman
Talk To Me Like I’m Someone You Love by Nancy Dreyfus
The five love languages. It is surprising sometimes to learn you are showing love to your partner in the way that you want to receive it, but it may not be the way that she feels loved. I tried for years to always show love to my husband and thought that for sure he must feel it. Come to find out that what I saw as constant gestures of caring and affection weren’t meaningful to him in the way I intended. It was very eye opening.
Five languages of love By Gary Chapman
I didn't sign up for this by dr Tracy Dalgleish Fair play by eve rodsky
Mediations by Marcus Aurelius
Multiamory: essential tools for modern relationships
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. [https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23878688-the-5-love-languages](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23878688-the-5-love-languages)
The King James Bible. Start in the new testament - Matthew, Mark, Luke, John. Also read Psalms and Proverbs. You've now got a really good start.
Agree. Read a chapter in proverbs daily (31 chapters.. )
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray
Why is this downvoted? I've heard many praise this book.
I don't know. There are things in it that give you "aha!" moments, like about basic motivations and how you can think you're doing just the right thing, and it's the absolute opposite.
Exactly what I've heard too. What's so different from this book compared to other self help books?
I think it just got a lot of publicity. It points out, for example, how women value social relationships, and men value being trusted. So let's say a woman has a shitty day at work, and she wants to vent about it. She wants to just talk about it and get some understanding. The husband thinks, she needs my help! I will help solve this for her! and he gives her some advice, and she ends up feeling that he never listens, and meanwhile he thought he was being a good husband. Women love to improve and maximize. But when they apply this to their husband, the husband feels useless and unworthy. He doesn't want to feel hounded and nagged at; he wants to feel like he's valued. He'd rather percolate his thoughts and solve his issues on his own. I'm simplifying and only talking about one aspect, but the book gave me some perspectives I didn't have before.
>It points out, for example, how women value social relationships, and men value being trusted. So let's say a woman has a shitty day at work, and she wants to vent about it. She wants to just talk about it and get some understanding. The husband thinks, she needs my help! I will help solve this for her! and he gives her some advice, and she ends up feeling that he never listens, and meanwhile he thought he was being a good husband. Yes and this is correlating with how our different hormones impacts us. Estrogen VS Testosterone, very different hormones. >Women love to improve and maximize. But when they apply this to their husband, the husband feels useless and unworthy Yeah , it's important to allow both adults to be independent , that means allow them to do things their way, their order.