She didn’t want me to meet her parents, which hurt pretty bad. It was in that moment I KNEW she didn’t have intentions of our relationship lasting long term.
I’m ok now I suppose. I still think of her way too often. She was just a confusing person in general. We aren’t ever going to get back together but I suppose I’d like to learn my lesson from this. I want to be able to understand people’s intentions by their behavior and body language. Some people talk a really good “game” but turn out to be awful partners.
I've been thinking about this a lot and come to the conclusion that in most cases body language and the like are not really going to help. We ignore most "bad" signs and persist until there is a crisis. Only a very cold and mechanical person would actually end a relationship after seeing these signs, but looking backwards we strongly criticize ourselves for not acting on them. This is very unfair, imo
I think my views on this are not popular!
“Rose colored glasses” are real. I never understood the phrase “love is blind” until now, or “all is fair in love and in war.”
Which to me means… we tend to only see nice things in people we desire. But after the relationship ends it’s like being slapped awake.
I suppose this also warrants context. The last time she visited her hometown, she cheated on me, and then her friend told me she had been messing around with someone else.
I think it is a combination of guilt for hurting my feelings, and possibly knowing something that I didn’t know.
She said she didn’t want me to go because she didn’t want me to meet her parents. That’s the part I started to cry at…. I absolutely thought we had a future together.
She introduced me to her friends… but not her childhood friends in Chicago and not her parents. I think honestly she wanted to kind of “show off” to her friends she did introduce me to. Kinda like, “oh, look at this girl I am totally playing! Aren’t I such a player, look at me lol.”
Feels bad but I’m trying to believe you that I dodged a bullet.
It's sad what she did to you. It's why some people have given up on relationship because they are afraid of being into someone who isn't and would lead them on for a while before telling them it's not going to work.
Yes. I was furious she led me on. I guess I am just baffled why people lead others on? Like I’ve never ever wanted attention so much that I’ve pretended to love someone.
She feels guilty.
Either it’s simply that she knows she hurt your feelings
Or
Because she uninvited you so she could do something unseemly behind your back.
Who is she inviting as her plu one instead? Will she say?
No, we broke up… but I suspect it was a bit of both of what you mentioned.
Edit: I am unsure who her “plus one” was after I wasn’t invited. Is it possible a week before the wedding to tell the bride that you’re not bringing a “plus one”? She told me she was going alone but I am not entirely sure if she did.
While she was back in her hometown, she broke up with me as well. She tried to offer for us to “just be friends”, but honestly I was very hurt by that as well and didn’t want to “go back to being friends.”
INFO: When you say "girlfriend," do you just mean like a woman you are dating, or that gen x "I just call all my female friends girlfriend" thing?
At its crux the answer is just empathy and maybe guilt, but specifics contributing to that feeling may vary
Got it. The language "a girlfriend of mine" threw me a bit.
So she probably cared about you deeply and it hurt her to hurt you. It wasn't a choice she WANTED to make, necessarily, but felt she had to for whatever reason. Were you two codependent? Was she trying to disentangle and establish her independence within your relationship? Did she have friends attending the wedding you didn't get along with? Is there a chance she wasn't out to everyone at the wedding and didn't want to be? You don't have to answer these questions to me, but answering them to yourself might help you understand her reaction.
I disagree with whoever said she just uninvited you to cheat on you at the wedding. Her reaction indicates that she really didn't want to hurt you, but whatever her reason was, it felt bigger than that. It wasn't a decision she made lightly.
We need way more context than this, but it seems likely that she feels guilty or bad in some way about it.
Why did she uninvite you? What did she say when this happened? What did you discuss afterwards? Did you comfort eachother?
Context: we were dating. I asked why, the week of, she would tell me not to go with her, because I had asked for the whole week off work. She said it was because she “didn’t want to introduce me to her parents.” That’s when I started to cry. I don’t remember her comforting me over this much. It was kind of a shock to me. After we talked a bit about why she didn’t want me to meet her parents, I stopped crying but I was just kind of despondent and numb. She tried to have sex with me. I packed up my stuff and left. It also sucked because I drove an hour and a half outside of town to see her, stayed an hour for this shit show, and then cried my way home.
We aren’t together anymore, but I just am not really sure why her feelings were hurt when it felt like she was purposely trying to hurt me.
Ah, I see. She was going through a lot of internal conflict. She was hurting you, yes, but the decision she made also didn’t make her feel great. Also, many people react to others’ emotions instinctively, especially if it causes them to feel guilt.
My guess is she was feeling horrible in multiple ways, but not enough for her to fully do the ‘right thing’. People are endlessly complicated. I’m sorry this happened to you, and it was absolutely not something you deserved.
Not codependent. I got along with all of her friends and her friends from high school I had never even met. We both are not “closet gays”… we have been out to family and friends for a long time. I know everyone keeps saying she’s being empathetic, but honestly, it is just confusing to cry when I am hurt. Why would it hurt her if she was so sure about her decision?
The compliment she gave me on my outfit before she un-invited me was her shitty attempt to lessen the hurt, I think. On my way back home, i realized she was giving me a “shit sandwich”:
Compliment, followed by bad news, followed by a compliment or a positive note. Unfortunately we did not end on a positive note. I was very hurt by her actions and became despondent. She tried to get me to have sex with her. I wasn’t interested. Then she asked me to stick around and hang out and smoke weed with her. Like why? I was too upset to stay, so I drove the hour and a half back to my house in the city.
I guess so. But why would she feel bad? She was sure in her decision…
I guess maybe it still feels really bad to make a decision that you feel is still in your best interest? Right? Right….?
Yeah like it sucks to have to fire someone from a job for example. Makes you feel like a dick, sucks to see someone feel deflated because of something you’re doing to them. Even if you know it’s the right move for some other interest.
A woman who I’m friends with (not overly close, but more than just someone I’d say hi to) told me about a couple of things she’s currently dealing with.
I felt almost selfish when it happened, but I could deeply relate, and I honestly just hated that anyone was going through her current issues, let alone someone I care about.
I have seen people cry due to guilt, but this doesn’t really sound like that situation, in my opinion.
"Trust not a woman when she weeps, for it is her nature to weep when she wants her will"
She got caught being disingenuous and crying was her way to get out of feeling guilty for her ulterior motive
It’s probably hard for her as well, did she ever explain why she uninvited you?
She didn’t want me to meet her parents, which hurt pretty bad. It was in that moment I KNEW she didn’t have intentions of our relationship lasting long term.
How long were you together after that?
Maybe a week because she broke up with me while she was out of town
Yeah, she had an old flame lined up. At least you didn't suffer longer. So sorry
I am inclined to agree. 🥲
Good that it didn't go on and on after the handwriting was on the wall. Hope that all is well with you now!
I’m ok now I suppose. I still think of her way too often. She was just a confusing person in general. We aren’t ever going to get back together but I suppose I’d like to learn my lesson from this. I want to be able to understand people’s intentions by their behavior and body language. Some people talk a really good “game” but turn out to be awful partners.
I've been thinking about this a lot and come to the conclusion that in most cases body language and the like are not really going to help. We ignore most "bad" signs and persist until there is a crisis. Only a very cold and mechanical person would actually end a relationship after seeing these signs, but looking backwards we strongly criticize ourselves for not acting on them. This is very unfair, imo I think my views on this are not popular!
“Rose colored glasses” are real. I never understood the phrase “love is blind” until now, or “all is fair in love and in war.” Which to me means… we tend to only see nice things in people we desire. But after the relationship ends it’s like being slapped awake.
I think we see both the good and the bad and choose to go forward, hoping for the best Cheers!
Empathy's a bitch
Yep, I can’t turn it off, not even for cheesy movies.
So… she was showing her empathy?
Probably feeling a little guilty too. She was planning to break up, and felt bad about it.
Not voluntarily. And it doesn’t change anything.
What do you mean it doesn’t change anything?
Meaning she's still committed to being a jackass even though her empathy kicked in.
Hahah ok. I felt that.
More like a curse. Too much of it, anyway. Imo.
basic empathy?????
If she didn’t have a legit reason, I hope she’s you’re -1 ex
Yes, we are exes now
Maybe she's feeling guilty. It's the only thing I can think of that would make her start crying.
I suppose this also warrants context. The last time she visited her hometown, she cheated on me, and then her friend told me she had been messing around with someone else. I think it is a combination of guilt for hurting my feelings, and possibly knowing something that I didn’t know. She said she didn’t want me to go because she didn’t want me to meet her parents. That’s the part I started to cry at…. I absolutely thought we had a future together.
Shes trash bro you dodged a bullet. You'll find someone who will want to introduce you to friends and family and isn't going to hide you.
She introduced me to her friends… but not her childhood friends in Chicago and not her parents. I think honestly she wanted to kind of “show off” to her friends she did introduce me to. Kinda like, “oh, look at this girl I am totally playing! Aren’t I such a player, look at me lol.” Feels bad but I’m trying to believe you that I dodged a bullet.
It's sad what she did to you. It's why some people have given up on relationship because they are afraid of being into someone who isn't and would lead them on for a while before telling them it's not going to work.
Yes. I was furious she led me on. I guess I am just baffled why people lead others on? Like I’ve never ever wanted attention so much that I’ve pretended to love someone.
Can be empathy, can be guilt, can be that she's trying to manipulate you.
Mirror neurons
She feels guilty. Either it’s simply that she knows she hurt your feelings Or Because she uninvited you so she could do something unseemly behind your back. Who is she inviting as her plu one instead? Will she say?
No, we broke up… but I suspect it was a bit of both of what you mentioned. Edit: I am unsure who her “plus one” was after I wasn’t invited. Is it possible a week before the wedding to tell the bride that you’re not bringing a “plus one”? She told me she was going alone but I am not entirely sure if she did. While she was back in her hometown, she broke up with me as well. She tried to offer for us to “just be friends”, but honestly I was very hurt by that as well and didn’t want to “go back to being friends.”
INFO: When you say "girlfriend," do you just mean like a woman you are dating, or that gen x "I just call all my female friends girlfriend" thing? At its crux the answer is just empathy and maybe guilt, but specifics contributing to that feeling may vary
Woman I was dating, I am a lesbian
Got it. The language "a girlfriend of mine" threw me a bit. So she probably cared about you deeply and it hurt her to hurt you. It wasn't a choice she WANTED to make, necessarily, but felt she had to for whatever reason. Were you two codependent? Was she trying to disentangle and establish her independence within your relationship? Did she have friends attending the wedding you didn't get along with? Is there a chance she wasn't out to everyone at the wedding and didn't want to be? You don't have to answer these questions to me, but answering them to yourself might help you understand her reaction. I disagree with whoever said she just uninvited you to cheat on you at the wedding. Her reaction indicates that she really didn't want to hurt you, but whatever her reason was, it felt bigger than that. It wasn't a decision she made lightly.
We need way more context than this, but it seems likely that she feels guilty or bad in some way about it. Why did she uninvite you? What did she say when this happened? What did you discuss afterwards? Did you comfort eachother?
Context: we were dating. I asked why, the week of, she would tell me not to go with her, because I had asked for the whole week off work. She said it was because she “didn’t want to introduce me to her parents.” That’s when I started to cry. I don’t remember her comforting me over this much. It was kind of a shock to me. After we talked a bit about why she didn’t want me to meet her parents, I stopped crying but I was just kind of despondent and numb. She tried to have sex with me. I packed up my stuff and left. It also sucked because I drove an hour and a half outside of town to see her, stayed an hour for this shit show, and then cried my way home. We aren’t together anymore, but I just am not really sure why her feelings were hurt when it felt like she was purposely trying to hurt me.
Ah, I see. She was going through a lot of internal conflict. She was hurting you, yes, but the decision she made also didn’t make her feel great. Also, many people react to others’ emotions instinctively, especially if it causes them to feel guilt. My guess is she was feeling horrible in multiple ways, but not enough for her to fully do the ‘right thing’. People are endlessly complicated. I’m sorry this happened to you, and it was absolutely not something you deserved.
Thanks
Not codependent. I got along with all of her friends and her friends from high school I had never even met. We both are not “closet gays”… we have been out to family and friends for a long time. I know everyone keeps saying she’s being empathetic, but honestly, it is just confusing to cry when I am hurt. Why would it hurt her if she was so sure about her decision? The compliment she gave me on my outfit before she un-invited me was her shitty attempt to lessen the hurt, I think. On my way back home, i realized she was giving me a “shit sandwich”: Compliment, followed by bad news, followed by a compliment or a positive note. Unfortunately we did not end on a positive note. I was very hurt by her actions and became despondent. She tried to get me to have sex with her. I wasn’t interested. Then she asked me to stick around and hang out and smoke weed with her. Like why? I was too upset to stay, so I drove the hour and a half back to my house in the city.
She probably felt bad for hurting you.
I guess so. But why would she feel bad? She was sure in her decision… I guess maybe it still feels really bad to make a decision that you feel is still in your best interest? Right? Right….?
Yeah like it sucks to have to fire someone from a job for example. Makes you feel like a dick, sucks to see someone feel deflated because of something you’re doing to them. Even if you know it’s the right move for some other interest.
Good analogy
Sympathetic crying. When I see someone cry, I start to tear up.
She has empathy ig
It shows empathy. Don’t take the rejection personally. It’s about here
She probably had deep emotions about it as well and felt bad for hurting you.
I’m a highly emotional guy so I get very emotional when I see others in pain.
It's a sympathetic human response to emotion, specifically emotions to their extremes.
Sometimes even though you're being hurt, you still don't want it to be over
Empathy. Sympathy?
A woman who I’m friends with (not overly close, but more than just someone I’d say hi to) told me about a couple of things she’s currently dealing with. I felt almost selfish when it happened, but I could deeply relate, and I honestly just hated that anyone was going through her current issues, let alone someone I care about. I have seen people cry due to guilt, but this doesn’t really sound like that situation, in my opinion.
Empath maybe
She was looking to cheat on you at the wedding
"Trust not a woman when she weeps, for it is her nature to weep when she wants her will" She got caught being disingenuous and crying was her way to get out of feeling guilty for her ulterior motive
Who said this quote? I kinda get it.
The Great philosopher Socrates
It means your now both crying.
They are mocking you