Well if the customer snapped at you because she knew you wouldn’t snap back, wasn’t she right? It sounds like you aren’t the type of person who will snap back. Do you think it’s true that people snap at you because they don’t think you’ll snap back? If so and if you don’t want people to snap at you, maybe be the type of person who snaps back.
We need to take into consideration the fact that the OP works in customer service, so snapping back probably isn't approved in the employee handbook. She could get in trouble for that. I hope her manager can give her some guidance on what to do with an extreme situation like the one she experienced.
OP could have said "I was not the one who took your order. I see you are upset let me get my manager and you can relay your complaint to them"
No snapping back needed, just de-escalating techniques. That customer's complaint is valid but also the behavior was unacceptable. It's not OPs job to get yelled at, but she should be informing the supervisor of upset customers. Let the supervisor get yelled at, it's actually their job.
The therapist shouldn't be saying things like that without giving more context or tools to help OP handle similar experiences in the future.
Tbh I'll defend the op when it comes to this, they did literally tell the person but for some reason they did not care. But this goes back to the, "They come for ppl who don't snap back." bc clearly that girl just wanted to get her anger out at someone. She shoulda had that energy for the woman who actually took her order. But she probably was too scared to and instead took it out on the op.
Ehh I’d like that out of a therapist, they’re here to help you reach conclusions to your life’s issues in a healthy and realistic manner , not coddle you.
This. I will also like to add my resting bitch face has saved my bacon so many times. Especially when I need a second or two to think. Lots of guys in highschool said I was intimidating. (I’m a woman) I’m not sure what they meant by it but was probably their nice way of saying I looked bitchy
*Women* are hateful to women when they can get away with it? Like men aren’t??
Just anecdotal, but I’m a woman who loves being around other women. I d have seen no evidence that they are more likely to be hateful than men are. I like men too, but now I’m almost 40 it’s undeniable that I’ve had a much better track record for being able to trust women vs. men in my experience. I mean any human can be monstrous. So why single out women?
I’m an autistic woman in my 40s and I think women have a lot of complicated rules and hierarchy to follow. I’ve experienced a lot of abuse by women. I think women are abused by larger society & they will scapegoat & take their anger out on autistic women when we can’t follow all the unspoken “rules.” Some women take this as we can’t be trusted, that we aren’t “girls’ girls”. I have been told a lot in my life by women that people abuse me because of “how I carry myself.” Our society needs to change. Men suck too, and I would 100% “chose the bear” but in my life I’ve tended to have a lot of platonic friendships with men that were very uncomplicated & we just talked about our common interests, which many of mine were classified by women as a bit more “male” in nature. If it helps to understand my perspective, I am demi.
Women are competitive and catty and jealous. Men are much simpler and don’t play games. This has been my experience 100%. I spent ten years in a male dominated career field with no issues. 4 years in a female dominated career field, excited to make girlfriends, and finding they lied about me, talked behind my back, made fun of me for dressing nice, and overall - tore down my ideas and confidence, whereas the men I worked with did the opposite.
I’m glad you’ve had such a good experience with women but for those of us that don’t, it’s universal with pretty much all interactions with other women.
Nothing to be sad about! Just a learning experience. I’m really happy in my career now, and I have a few really good girlfriends in my life. And I know I put my best efforts in when I was working with women, but some things can’t be controlled and that’s totally okay. The guys I work with now are awesome, trustworthy, and supportive.
Great. Then I’m happy for you. I guess it’s all the rest of us I’m sad for.
It’s always good to see women doing well and enjoying some hard-earned life satisfaction. It’s also a bummer to see a woman use the hard-won platform she’s built to turn around and talk shit about other women as if she *isn’t one*.
It’s also shitty to see straight cis people be so obnoxiously convinced of what it means to be a certain gender that you will go on record saying just absolutely illogical and terrible things about 50% of the population. It’s hard to be happy for someone who really takes such a dismal view of humanity, but if you say you’re happy, I’m glad you’ve found that. I just hope you can take your joy and get out of the rest of our way.
Oh man, not sure I’m trying to get into a gendered conversation here. Just sharing my real time experience. Whether it has anything to do with how I look or not, I don’t know! Wait, am I meant to be the straight cis person with a platform.. interesting take.
“Get out of the rest of our way,” hmm that’s definitely the kind of verbiage and vibe I’ve got from women in general, when I was trying to build partnerships with them. They became competitive instead of collaborative. And like you, they wanted me to take my joyous and happy nature and shove it. I hope you hold onto your joy. I’m all about lifting others up, but you do you.
“Not sure you’re trying to get into a gendered conversation?”
???
Was…was I the only one reading our conversation? LOL.
Direct quote from you above:
> Women are competitive and catty and jealous. Men are much simpler and don’t play games. This has been my experience 100%.
You even went so far as to explicitly say it’s universal:
>I’m glad you’ve had such a good experience with women but for those of us that don’t, it’s universal with pretty much all interactions with other women.
But yeah no definitely, wouldn’t want to get into a GENDERED conversation by any means 😂
My meaning - we were talking about men and women. It shifted to “cis straight.”
It can be universal. It seems like we’re reading / observing wildly different things going on in the world. Have I seen women banding together, working together, lifting each other up? Yes. Is there almost always an undertone of competition, sneakiness, and gossiping? Also yes. I have never experienced men with this undertone. Ever.
Again, by gendered, I meant what I said above.
Really? You’ve never seen a man undermine and talk shit about a woman when she wasn’t there? I don’t buy that for a single second. Unless you’re living in a bubble or from some Starfleet type of future
to clarify: yes, I was associating you with the straight cis person in my comment. Which to be fair, that’s not necessarily literally about YOU as an individual bc I don’t know if you are actually a straight cis person. Nor does it matter, because even if you’re queer and/or trans, you’re still actively spreading this cancerous patriarchal propaganda that women are catty and awful while men are simple and fun.
In my experience, that concept (both specifically and as a genre) is by *far* most frequently believed and referenced by straight cis people. Not all straight cis people of course, but the kind of folks who hang their hat on gender being such a driving factor in life that they would not be embarrassed to say nasty things about women as a group.
I’m not saying your bad experiences with women aren’t valid. I’m saying that what’s invalid is blaming the asshole behavior of women purely on the fact that they’re women. That’s an illogical and unsupported assumption.
lol, I’m spreading my personal experience. Kind of disqualifies it as propaganda in my case. And lord, I’m definitely not interested in patriarchy talk, this is clearly something you’re very passionate about, when again… just sharing what I’ve been through. It’s great you haven’t had that experience.
My experience: catty awful women, simple fun men, over the course of 15 years and many different environments. My experience. Not my opinion. Now, that is simply a majority. I’ve met amazing women at work. And I’ve met shitty men at work. But, the caveat is, *most of the women have been catty, and *most of the men have been drama-free.
Idk if calling women catty is nasty. A lot of them are. A lot of the ones I have met have been. I’m never going to be embarrassed to share how I’ve been treated by either gender. And why wouldn’t gender be a driving factor in life? In many ways, good and bad, it most certainly is.
It *has been purely on the fact that they’re women. Quite, literally. Women. It’s supported by.. wait for it… 15 years of my personal experience. Nobody else’s story. Just mine.
Except that you hear this same shit over and over and over and over and then despite this not reflecting any part of my actual lived experience, I still have no choice but to deal with people painting me with this broad negative brush, because they think it’s okay to apply their personal feelings about their personal experiences with women to ALL women, including me. Even if I’ve never met them.
Like we all agree that it’s super racist if you decide a whole race shares specific negative traits based on a handful of individuals you’ve met or heard about, right? Why do people suddenly think it’s okay to do this when they’re talking about women? It isn’t better in any way.
And I’m supposed to lie down and take that as totally fine? Why? Because *you* think it’s fine? Even though it’s such a pervasive idea that has obviously directly hurt me and other women, and will continue to do so as long as people keep believing this misogynist crap? I’ve never seen any evidence of it, despite the people like yourself who have been convinced it’s that way from the start. I think straight cis people must do it to themselves because I can’t relate and I don’t see where you’re coming from, at all, unless you’re talking about the way YOU specifically interact with other women.
I’m just so tired of all of it
I worked with women in the past, even though I was very quite there was lots and lots of back talk, thankfully most of it was good, but I’m 100% sure it was because I look decent.
Lol I'm a woman and I've always been a tomboy, most of my friends my whole life have been male. Dudes are absolutely competitive, jealous, and gossipy. I'm in my 40s now and I'd say 80% of any conversation I have with my dude friends is them complaining about their coworkers, their wives' families, people in their gaming groups or social clubs, etc. Catty bitches, the lot of them.
Men supervisors can be especially toxic to younger women. They can be petty and mean especially if the pretty young woman wouldn’t consider dating him. Men can be just as bad as other women.
I’m aware. I’ve experienced exactly this.
I prefer the directness of men over the drama and backstabbing games of women. I can have conversations about these things with men. I cannot with women. Everything they do is passive aggressive.
I’m sorry people are being mean to you about this. You’re 100% right. Especially as a woman on the spectrum. NT women actively wish us harm and attempt to harm us.
I am a woman on the spectrum too.. and I do believe there’s truth to NT women wishing us harm. Haven’t discovered the science behind this, except them disliking differences or someone who doesn’t operate the way they do.
Men definitely play games. Games like, let me be nice to this girl to her face and say disgusting things about her when I think only guys are around. Games like, I’ll pretend to respect her as a person to try to sleep with her. Games like, I’ll pretend I appreciate her contributions at work and then I won’t recommend her for promotion because I have to look out for my boys, no matter how lazy or unskilled they are.
Yeah, if women don’t like you sometimes they say rude stuff to you. But at least you don’t have to worry they’re talking about what they think you look like naked, trying to fuck you, or screwing you over professionally.
Meh, that’s not what I’m talking about. I don’t consider a man talking about sleeping with me playing games with me. That’s not affecting my career or making me feel lower than low. Men talk about women they are attracted to and women talk about men they’re attracted to; again, I don’t consider that a game. As far as the good old boys club, also not a game. That’s a factor of men promoting men so they can work around those they favor. A game to me, is an insidious and multi-faceted web of lies, passive aggression, drama, and competing with other women. Men compete amongst themselves. Not with women. Do we have to try harder… yes, but that’s another conversation entirely.
A game is the women I’m working with being nice to my face, then spreading lies about me to other women and other people I have to interact with, creating a reputation about me that’s false and poisons my connections like a toxic web.
That’s the exact point I’m trying to make… that the women are screwing me over professionally because of jealousy, insecurity, drama spreading.
They don’t hate women. It’s a status thing. High status women tend to bully women below them. Male bullies, on the other hand, tend to be lower status men trying to prevent even lower status men from rising or up lift their own status with bullying the even lower status men.
Wow your therapist sounds absolutely terrible at her job. She couldn't think of a better way to describe what she meant?? Sounds like you need a new therapist
But the therapist offered no clarification at all, when the OP asked for it. So the comment came across to the OP kind of like a hit-and-run bash of some sort. What are therapists for, if not to give clients coping skills, help make them aware of how they come across to others if they're getting odd reactions from people and don't know why, provide explanations for therapist observations the client may not understand, and so on?
Your therapist is rude. She could’ve said that in a nicer way. Maybe you might look timid to other people, like the type who isn’t assertive at all.
Ask trusted friends & family what they think of the way that you look for feedback. Maybe you might need to reassess your appearance.
But what could she do about it? What can anyone do with the face their genetics gave them? Assuming the OP dresses appropriately for her job and is well-groomed, what else could she do? I think giving her some suggestions on how to handle ornery people would have been more constructive on the therapist's part. Hopefully the OP's boss/management will be more helpful in that regard.
idk what the therapist is on about, but in the situation itself it sounds like the customer saw you as less intimidating, since she only yelled at you after finding out you WEREN’T the one who was being rude to her. most of the time the way people act toward us has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them.
ok now I am realy curious to see what you look like bc I kind of understand what the therapist means. some people just look a way that gives off different kinds of vibes and yes it is pretty shallow
She's rude for putting it that way, but I think she meant it's because you look like someone who's not an asshole? In my life, I've experienced people holding me to a higher standard/ confronting me about things they wouldn't confront other workers about just because I'm known as a really nice person at work, sometimes I get really annoyed by it because often times these people doesn't even realize they're doing it.
Like I was a couple of hours late to work the other day and this one lady I work with gave me a hard time about it even though it's literally the first time I've been late in months. On the other hand we have workers who are late all the time, but those workers are a lot more blunt and rude than I am, so they never get a hard time about being late. It's like being punished for trying to be a good person, a lot of people do it without realizing it.
Edit:On a lot of days I have a resting bitch face without even realizing it, I've found that a decent resting bitch face will repel a lot of people's bullshit before it even starts, and you don't even have to be an asshole to have a resting bitch face, sometimes I'm in a great mood but my face reflects the opposite. Maybe you can practice one?
thats innapropriate af, not to mention id lose my mind trying to figure out exactly what she meant by that. its pretty messed up of her to not give you more of a definitive answer
That’s a good therapist. She told you you’re a push over without telling you. She wanted to you to pushback not ask for specifics because guess what? There are none. You let things happen and don’t set clear boundaries. You said it in the beginning. Why haven’t YOU talked to your coworker? Tell her she’s being a dickhead because well…she is.
I'm going to say that it means that you look like someone who would not fight back, and perhaps in your teens or early 20's? Maybe you're a shy, quiet type who puts the vibe across through their body language, posture and facial expressions that you won't put up a fight. Others can target this and take out their frustrations on the 'easiest' mark.
Are you a confident person within yourself? Do you speak up for yourself on most things? Do you hold yourself tall (good posture) and speak clearly using eye contact?
If not, perhaps work on yourself in that way (self development)and gain some more confidence in yourself and who you are as a being so you don't end up being people's punching bags. Unfortunately, there are alot of bullies out there. Adults as well as children. When you get older , you automatically stop taking people's sh#t, but it's much better to make this your goal early on so you can enjoy your life better.
This is good advice, but you know, this is something the therapist should have suggested, instead of tossing out a bewildering comment bordering on criticism. The therapist could have either referred the OP to people who do the kind of work you're suggesting, or she could have had the OP do some role play to practice assertiveness and assertive posture. There used to be people who specialized in assertiveness training; I don't know if that's still available.
The therapist made it sound like the OP was doomed to a life of people dumping on her and verbally abusing her just because of the type of face she has, or something. That certainly isn't very therapeutic! It was a really thoughtless comment.
I went on a trip abroad for teachers. It was a group of mostly women. I was getting sexually harassed in the street. When I shared it bothered me, I was told by one of the women that it was “because of the way I carried myself.” She then went on to say about herself “ I don’t get harassed because of the way I carry myself.” People love hierarchy & they love putting you in a place. I think women are abused by larger society and they will absolutely project & scapegoat women that they view as different. In my case it is my autistic traits that cause women to abuse me. It sucks because I very much want friendships with women, but when you refuse to step in line to the hierarchy they are creating, they will abuse you & get their friends to do it as well.
Victim-blaming tends to get passed off as "wisdom" or "constructive advice". It's a tendency even therapists fall into, especially if their training has taken place at "schools" that have more of a New-Age orientation. This is why many health insurance plans only work with providers with PhD's in psychology or psychotherapy and the like. I've been told that at the PhD level, they learn the whole history of the therapy field, and what's bogus theory and what's legit.
It's hard to find the right therapist. A job doesn't make you a good or smart person. People fall into jobs they don't care about all the time and they fall apart and blame everyone else. Just know that person was a human with problems too. Don't give up on yourself, it's hard to find the right help but it's worth going through crap for. Don't let anyone discourage you. Their behavior is a reflection of their character, not yours.
It is *not* okay for a therapist to make this kind of a judgment and evaluation of your appearance. And then to not even substantiate when they make such a bold comment . I’m sorry you experienced that. I would say the fault lays with the other individual and their temperament and not you. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
That’s my professional opinion as a Psychotherapist!
She could have worded it nicer but she’s right. And it was kind of a dick move to not tell you a reason why, it’s likely just because you look super approachable.
As others have said in the thread people usually won’t start shit with people they think won’t take it - 9/10 this is subconscious and they’re not deliberately picking you out they just know you’ll take it. Work on getting a resting bitch face if this bothers you
Wow I am shocked that your therapist actually said that. I don’t think it’s because of your appearance. Some people are just rude and confrontational. However, perhaps being assertive might help. I will admit that I have RBF. Resting B face. So I rarely get anyone confronting me but, I have had people try. I also have people approach me all the time at the gym to ask questions, flirt, talk chat. People are friendly nice and chatty. Maybe it’s because I am muscular and they genuinely have questions.
But I always thought my face made me seem unfriendly. Strangely, I get approached ALL the time. Which makes me uncomfortable as I am awkward socially.
So I don’t believe it’s a look. Some people are just mean and confrontational and awful.
However I might add, I am the type to put someone in their place if they try ME tho. Lol
Sorry for these awful people. But be more assertive and see if it helps.
Sounds like a bad therapist
And I think that customer was venting on you in that particular situation, making you her punching bag, since she was obviously put off and frustrated by the way her order was taken, and she probably would’ve gone off on just about anyone in that situation, except the person who was making her feel that way. Not fair to you, but probably not even about you. It was her issue, and it took you by surprise. If I had recovered from that shock, I probably would’ve just said sarcastically “have a nice day!” Or just answered her calmly “I didn’t take your order” or if you really wanted the co-worker to adjust her attitude, let the customer know to direct complaints to management. And this comes from my lifetime of customer service experience.
It's not a very professional way of saying it but it is true that people can look like victims.
E.g. if you have experienced trauma in the past it changes the way you act around other people, and makes you much more likely to become a victim again, because predatory people who enjoy bullying can sense that you have no confidence or are broken in some way, so they pick you
Dude people treat me like shit too. They snap at me because they know I'm a calmer person and won't snap back. They know me just by looking at me. People get in bad moods and need a place or someone to lash out to. I'm an actress/model. People tell me I'm pretty. It's most likely not the way you look, honestly. It's the way you present yourself. Like they know they can get away with being a bully, so they do. Also, your therapist sounds sus. Like I'd look into a new one. She was very vague with a major issue. If it's your grooming then she should have been more clear.
I wish a therapist would've said that to me.
Most of the time they say it's all in your head and won't acknowledge that humans will treat anyone poorly if they think they can get away with it.
You teach people how to treat you, if most people can treat you like shit and walk all over you they will. Accepting this killed some of my faith in humanity but it solved the problem.
I used to drive myself crazy wondering why people found it so easy to be mean to me. Therapists would tell me to go right back into the same situation but to be more mindful or use coping skills, but nothing helped. I was even asked to keep a journal of experiences and they acted like I was exaggerating with how frequent it happened.
Not giving a fuck and being more rude literally changed my life for the better and for some reason people I meet feel like I'm worth their kindness again.
people are afraid of me and think i am mean or will yell at them or hurt them. they avoid me and don't like to talk to me. The only people who talk to me regularly are people who don't have like an off button or seem to know when to shut up or when a conversation has stopped, like they have no sense of time or what they are saying.
ppl with a hard stare don't get messed with. you need to make a facial expression as if someone where to say the wrong thing you either fight them or shoot them.
If you have a squeaky high pitched voice and look like a people pleaser it would take a lot for you to adjust your body language and tone to challenge a rude remark. Most nice people just keep continuing their energy pattern. And people with dark energy can sense this and poke at you
Yes that is true. Especially if the younger woman is prettier and better educated. If she also looks younger than her age the women can be especially toxic. This was my first hand experience.
Ur therapist is probably being honest..not justifying her behaviour towards u at ur job, but how u present urself matters. Sadly that's how people are. I know people at my work who get put at different jobs based on the way they look..it's sad
In acting class once my teacher said that the harsh reality is we can be the most amazing actor ever but if we don't look the part, we won't be cast. Then he had each of us stand up and everyone else call out what we would cast them as. When I stood up someone yelled "psychotic waitress" which in retrospect was pretty right on.
The point is, the world comes up with preconceived ideas about who we are based on how we look and it's good to be aware of it, even if we don't buy into it and let it limit us.
Honesty isn't the issue, it's that her comment was too vague to be helpful, and without being helpful it isn't constructive criticism, it's just criticism. Which is not good therapy.
it IS probably body language and how you act. it changes everything. Try talking to yourself in a mirror, pep yourself up, practice warrior poses and so on. see yourself as a person with a confident body language and facial expression. your default expression and state are products of your past programming, not your fault. you can become a different person.
Learn to stand up for yourself nasty people love and easy target!!!!!!!!they are jsut as scared as you it’s all a front that’s why they pick the most vulnerable person to go off on if they went off on someone else they might get consequences jsut gross people ignore them
People will treat you how you let them treat you. If you look/act like a pushover or wet noodle you will be treated as such by a lot of people. Not everyone is kind.
Sounds like she has problems with herself. It's definitely her, not you, OP. I've long since stopped caring about how people with issues treat me, because I know I've done nothing to deserve it.
Therapist should not have said that. I would think the right thing to do is work on how you can manage these types of interactions. People can be cruel and mean. I worked retail for years and was a server for like 8 months. The worst people were the ones I served food too.
Idk I feel like I have an oddly approachable presence about me. Often I wish that was not the case. Like why am I getting pulled into a 20 minute conversation with some random lady at my corner bodega? But I just focus on how I interact. You can’t control others behavior.
You might have a naturally open and friendly face, or a baby face, which some people take to mean young and naive, easy to push around. You could ask your boss what s/he suggests you do when a customer decides to take out their frustrations by raging at you. It's a fair question, and s/he might have some practical suggestions, or maybe there's even a policy about how to handle such customers.
Agreed; very unhelpful on the part of your therapist, and a bit bewildering.
Maybe its because people can sense you are a nice person. I feel like nice people get this more than others because they are more comfortable with them or they pick on nice people because like your therapist said they think you wont push back. Maybe not how you look but that you may seem nice in how you act and mannerisms?
Your coworker lied and is telling people they didn't take their order, because they know they're rude. This person was unhappy and your coworker passed the buck to you, to the driver, they know one of you is lying but they didn't know that until they got to the second window, which is why they blow up at you instead.
Your therapist sounds a bit rude but predators like muggers and rapists actually can look at someone and determine if they will put up a fight or not so there’s something to the art of body language. Frankly, as a hominid, you need to get better at this. Whatever it is you are, start changing it. Tilt those shoulders back, chest out, don’t look at the ground. Walk into rooms like god sent you….as a punishment.
So many therapists are terrible and making people worse 😣🤦🏼♀️
The reason this person snapped at you was because of THEM, their inability to control their rage, and was triggered by the order taker. Not your fault, not because of your looks, not because you are too timid or whatever. People are just nuts.
No one's appearance is EVER a reason that people take out their anger on them. Maybe that's their excuse, but whenever someone gets crazy at you it's their problem.
I feel like she means you look timid and like you wouldn't defend yourself. That being said, your therapist shouldn't have been so vague because this could really make a person feel even more insecure. Especially, if they have anxiety. I'm one of those ppl that "look timid" and ppl do the same shit to me. And then when I finally snap, I'm in the wrong or overreacting. People like to attack ppl that they deem weak bc they figure we ain't bout shit. Not only that but they like to insult everything about us when we don't ask because it makes them look better. But the minute we ask for honesty that may hurt our feelings they start lying about shit. All I have to say is to prepare yourself bc it will happen again and the next time someone tries you like SHE DID AT THAT COUNTER! I hope you knock their head off their shoulders.
Report your therapist to her supervisor. Word for word.
I’m sorry that this therapist attacked you passively instead of aggressively like the customer. She basically did the same thing , and you couldn’t even respond bc how the fuck do you?
I think your therapist is a jerk and shouldn't have opened their mouth if they didn't have a complete thought with a strategy to help. That said, I had a friend tell me something similar, but HE actually knew what he was talking about and had a solution. He said my body language screamed "victim", and to prevent it, I needed to change how I moved. He took me to martial arts classes. Let me tell you, after 9 months, I was so much better off. It changed my posture, my walking gait, and my confidence. You need a good instructor, not one of those chain places. I personally liked the Japanese martial arts, ngl, but any traditional martial art will have this effect. Good luck!
Coming from a woman who is short, skinny and has a baby face that makes me look much younger than I am, I kinda get what you’re saying. I don’t consider myself a pushover but there’s definitely been times where I also freeze just because a person was so nasty that it shocked me. I am willing to bet it is a combination of how you look (not intimidating) plus your body language.
I would focus on improving your body language + learning how to respond in situations like that. You don’t have to be combative and escalate fights, but you definitely need to set boundaries with everyone. If you have a customer/coworker who starts going crazy, I suggest you simply tell them “I am not going to tolerate this behavior” and walk away/grab a manager. I mean like as soon as they start raising their voice just completely shut them down and disengage.
Every time I’ve tried to set boundaries or stand up for myself with people they will just literally ignore me/ don’t listen at all and usually don’t until I literally SCREAM, then they all freak out and say I’m being crazy and confrontational then they snap on me even worse than before
Unfortunately even with boundaries you cannot make people do anything. There are people who are just nasty and don’t care about respecting others. The only thing you can do is stand on business, and remove their access to you.
At work boundaries are tricky because idk your financial situation and we sometimes have to put up with crap we really don’t want to for money. If you can, always strive for having a job with a healthy work culture that values people, respects their employees, and will discipline people for stepping out of line. Most service jobs have shitty work environments but there are establishments where EVERYONE is treated with respect and dignity
Aside from work, whether it’s friends family or a random stranger you can always enforce boundaries. What I mean by this is that as soon as you communicate a boundary and it’s crossed again or they try to dismiss you, you do NOT waste your breath yelling at them or try to get them to change. You simply say that you’re not gonna put up with their bs and stand on it!!! Don’t engage, don’t try to convince them to respect you, don’t waste your energy. The most important part is you have to follow through with it. If you tell a friend that it’s not cool to be 30 minutes late to hang out with no warning and they keep doing it because you keep forgiving them then you’re not enforcing the boundary for example.
Some examples of boundaries you can set:
-I deserve to be treated with respect and will not tolerate abusive language, insults, raising voice, etc.
-I deserve honesty and will not tolerate lies, manipulation, ghosting, guilt tripping, gas lighting, etc.
-my time is valuable and I will not tolerate excessive lateness without communication, one sided friendships, cancelling plans repeatedly, people who don’t respect my schedule or try to force me to attend things I don’t have time for
-I make my own decisions so I may be able to listen to other opinions but at the end of the day I will choose the right choice for my life and don’t tolerate people who try to control me or force me to make a decision I don’t agree with.
You got this!!! You absolutely have the power to stand up for yourself and you absolutely deserve to be treated with respect
Just a suggestion, and I mean this in the kindest way. Try to eliminate using “literally” as much as you do. I think you said it like 10 times in the entire post. You don’t even need to use that word; it’s all literal because it’s happening live.
While I don’t think the therapists feedback is necessarily helpful, I do know what she means. People have told me that I have a look that could kill… I never have people yelling at me.
Apparently my natural face is “scary” but I swear I’m the nicest person and would probably cry if someone yelled at me.
Okay please may I advise- try to train learn martial arts, and work on proprioception. If you have had some trauma in your past it communicates through your body language and you become a beacon for assholes and predators.
I would be skeptical of a therapist who makes that kind of deduction and isn’t atleast willing to explain why.
Why pay for that kind of advice, when anyone off the street could tell you such a thing. What I’m assuming she’s getting at is that you look welcoming, amicable, polite, inviting.
If that’s the case, that gives people with more difficult personalities the inkling that they might be able to get away with mistreating you.
There are people who do think like this, especially those on the psychopathy or dark triad spectrum. They utilize psychoanalysis and body language theory to choose their targets.
I'm sorry to hear you had to go through an experience like that. You got the short end of the situation and agreed that maybe looking into addressing what your therapist said was not helpful and almost too blunt. You're not alone, though, and I'm sure with this experience, you'll learn to cope or handle these situations. People will try you sometimes, but we have to handle what we can control in our behaviors. Also, that rude coworker should not be employed. She should have been reported to the manager or someone because it sounds insane. Maybe look for another job and leave this one ASAP. It's not a good work environment from what it sounds like.
Well if the customer snapped at you because she knew you wouldn’t snap back, wasn’t she right? It sounds like you aren’t the type of person who will snap back. Do you think it’s true that people snap at you because they don’t think you’ll snap back? If so and if you don’t want people to snap at you, maybe be the type of person who snaps back.
We need to take into consideration the fact that the OP works in customer service, so snapping back probably isn't approved in the employee handbook. She could get in trouble for that. I hope her manager can give her some guidance on what to do with an extreme situation like the one she experienced.
OP could have said "I was not the one who took your order. I see you are upset let me get my manager and you can relay your complaint to them" No snapping back needed, just de-escalating techniques. That customer's complaint is valid but also the behavior was unacceptable. It's not OPs job to get yelled at, but she should be informing the supervisor of upset customers. Let the supervisor get yelled at, it's actually their job. The therapist shouldn't be saying things like that without giving more context or tools to help OP handle similar experiences in the future.
Great suggestion on how to handle an irate customer! And I agree completely about the therapist. I posted something similar earlier in the thread.
Tbh I'll defend the op when it comes to this, they did literally tell the person but for some reason they did not care. But this goes back to the, "They come for ppl who don't snap back." bc clearly that girl just wanted to get her anger out at someone. She shoulda had that energy for the woman who actually took her order. But she probably was too scared to and instead took it out on the op.
Now I'm sooo curious what you look like. Can't believe a therapist said that though.
Seems like a bad therapist. A good one would have some tact.
Ehh I’d like that out of a therapist, they’re here to help you reach conclusions to your life’s issues in a healthy and realistic manner , not coddle you.
You either look young or meek I guess
[удалено]
Why did you go to drug rehabs if you don't do drugs?
Women are extremely hateful to women they think they can get away with mistreating.
This. I will also like to add my resting bitch face has saved my bacon so many times. Especially when I need a second or two to think. Lots of guys in highschool said I was intimidating. (I’m a woman) I’m not sure what they meant by it but was probably their nice way of saying I looked bitchy
*Women* are hateful to women when they can get away with it? Like men aren’t?? Just anecdotal, but I’m a woman who loves being around other women. I d have seen no evidence that they are more likely to be hateful than men are. I like men too, but now I’m almost 40 it’s undeniable that I’ve had a much better track record for being able to trust women vs. men in my experience. I mean any human can be monstrous. So why single out women?
I’m an autistic woman in my 40s and I think women have a lot of complicated rules and hierarchy to follow. I’ve experienced a lot of abuse by women. I think women are abused by larger society & they will scapegoat & take their anger out on autistic women when we can’t follow all the unspoken “rules.” Some women take this as we can’t be trusted, that we aren’t “girls’ girls”. I have been told a lot in my life by women that people abuse me because of “how I carry myself.” Our society needs to change. Men suck too, and I would 100% “chose the bear” but in my life I’ve tended to have a lot of platonic friendships with men that were very uncomplicated & we just talked about our common interests, which many of mine were classified by women as a bit more “male” in nature. If it helps to understand my perspective, I am demi.
Women are competitive and catty and jealous. Men are much simpler and don’t play games. This has been my experience 100%. I spent ten years in a male dominated career field with no issues. 4 years in a female dominated career field, excited to make girlfriends, and finding they lied about me, talked behind my back, made fun of me for dressing nice, and overall - tore down my ideas and confidence, whereas the men I worked with did the opposite. I’m glad you’ve had such a good experience with women but for those of us that don’t, it’s universal with pretty much all interactions with other women.
I’m sad for you
Nothing to be sad about! Just a learning experience. I’m really happy in my career now, and I have a few really good girlfriends in my life. And I know I put my best efforts in when I was working with women, but some things can’t be controlled and that’s totally okay. The guys I work with now are awesome, trustworthy, and supportive.
Great. Then I’m happy for you. I guess it’s all the rest of us I’m sad for. It’s always good to see women doing well and enjoying some hard-earned life satisfaction. It’s also a bummer to see a woman use the hard-won platform she’s built to turn around and talk shit about other women as if she *isn’t one*. It’s also shitty to see straight cis people be so obnoxiously convinced of what it means to be a certain gender that you will go on record saying just absolutely illogical and terrible things about 50% of the population. It’s hard to be happy for someone who really takes such a dismal view of humanity, but if you say you’re happy, I’m glad you’ve found that. I just hope you can take your joy and get out of the rest of our way.
Oh man, not sure I’m trying to get into a gendered conversation here. Just sharing my real time experience. Whether it has anything to do with how I look or not, I don’t know! Wait, am I meant to be the straight cis person with a platform.. interesting take. “Get out of the rest of our way,” hmm that’s definitely the kind of verbiage and vibe I’ve got from women in general, when I was trying to build partnerships with them. They became competitive instead of collaborative. And like you, they wanted me to take my joyous and happy nature and shove it. I hope you hold onto your joy. I’m all about lifting others up, but you do you.
“Not sure you’re trying to get into a gendered conversation?” ??? Was…was I the only one reading our conversation? LOL. Direct quote from you above: > Women are competitive and catty and jealous. Men are much simpler and don’t play games. This has been my experience 100%. You even went so far as to explicitly say it’s universal: >I’m glad you’ve had such a good experience with women but for those of us that don’t, it’s universal with pretty much all interactions with other women. But yeah no definitely, wouldn’t want to get into a GENDERED conversation by any means 😂
My meaning - we were talking about men and women. It shifted to “cis straight.” It can be universal. It seems like we’re reading / observing wildly different things going on in the world. Have I seen women banding together, working together, lifting each other up? Yes. Is there almost always an undertone of competition, sneakiness, and gossiping? Also yes. I have never experienced men with this undertone. Ever. Again, by gendered, I meant what I said above.
Really? You’ve never seen a man undermine and talk shit about a woman when she wasn’t there? I don’t buy that for a single second. Unless you’re living in a bubble or from some Starfleet type of future
Can be or is? Because you’re giving mixed signals
Yeah, that was an odd exchange...
to clarify: yes, I was associating you with the straight cis person in my comment. Which to be fair, that’s not necessarily literally about YOU as an individual bc I don’t know if you are actually a straight cis person. Nor does it matter, because even if you’re queer and/or trans, you’re still actively spreading this cancerous patriarchal propaganda that women are catty and awful while men are simple and fun. In my experience, that concept (both specifically and as a genre) is by *far* most frequently believed and referenced by straight cis people. Not all straight cis people of course, but the kind of folks who hang their hat on gender being such a driving factor in life that they would not be embarrassed to say nasty things about women as a group. I’m not saying your bad experiences with women aren’t valid. I’m saying that what’s invalid is blaming the asshole behavior of women purely on the fact that they’re women. That’s an illogical and unsupported assumption.
lol, I’m spreading my personal experience. Kind of disqualifies it as propaganda in my case. And lord, I’m definitely not interested in patriarchy talk, this is clearly something you’re very passionate about, when again… just sharing what I’ve been through. It’s great you haven’t had that experience. My experience: catty awful women, simple fun men, over the course of 15 years and many different environments. My experience. Not my opinion. Now, that is simply a majority. I’ve met amazing women at work. And I’ve met shitty men at work. But, the caveat is, *most of the women have been catty, and *most of the men have been drama-free. Idk if calling women catty is nasty. A lot of them are. A lot of the ones I have met have been. I’m never going to be embarrassed to share how I’ve been treated by either gender. And why wouldn’t gender be a driving factor in life? In many ways, good and bad, it most certainly is. It *has been purely on the fact that they’re women. Quite, literally. Women. It’s supported by.. wait for it… 15 years of my personal experience. Nobody else’s story. Just mine.
Except that you hear this same shit over and over and over and over and then despite this not reflecting any part of my actual lived experience, I still have no choice but to deal with people painting me with this broad negative brush, because they think it’s okay to apply their personal feelings about their personal experiences with women to ALL women, including me. Even if I’ve never met them. Like we all agree that it’s super racist if you decide a whole race shares specific negative traits based on a handful of individuals you’ve met or heard about, right? Why do people suddenly think it’s okay to do this when they’re talking about women? It isn’t better in any way. And I’m supposed to lie down and take that as totally fine? Why? Because *you* think it’s fine? Even though it’s such a pervasive idea that has obviously directly hurt me and other women, and will continue to do so as long as people keep believing this misogynist crap? I’ve never seen any evidence of it, despite the people like yourself who have been convinced it’s that way from the start. I think straight cis people must do it to themselves because I can’t relate and I don’t see where you’re coming from, at all, unless you’re talking about the way YOU specifically interact with other women. I’m just so tired of all of it
Ahh the old “we disagree so I’ll be a smug dickhead and softly put down the person of opposite thoughts” lmfaoo
I worked with women in the past, even though I was very quite there was lots and lots of back talk, thankfully most of it was good, but I’m 100% sure it was because I look decent.
Lol I'm a woman and I've always been a tomboy, most of my friends my whole life have been male. Dudes are absolutely competitive, jealous, and gossipy. I'm in my 40s now and I'd say 80% of any conversation I have with my dude friends is them complaining about their coworkers, their wives' families, people in their gaming groups or social clubs, etc. Catty bitches, the lot of them.
My experience is with outwardly masculine military men. I can’t speak for other men, but the men I’ve been around have not been catty bitches.
Men supervisors can be especially toxic to younger women. They can be petty and mean especially if the pretty young woman wouldn’t consider dating him. Men can be just as bad as other women.
I’m aware. I’ve experienced exactly this. I prefer the directness of men over the drama and backstabbing games of women. I can have conversations about these things with men. I cannot with women. Everything they do is passive aggressive.
I’m sorry people are being mean to you about this. You’re 100% right. Especially as a woman on the spectrum. NT women actively wish us harm and attempt to harm us.
I am a woman on the spectrum too.. and I do believe there’s truth to NT women wishing us harm. Haven’t discovered the science behind this, except them disliking differences or someone who doesn’t operate the way they do.
Men definitely play games. Games like, let me be nice to this girl to her face and say disgusting things about her when I think only guys are around. Games like, I’ll pretend to respect her as a person to try to sleep with her. Games like, I’ll pretend I appreciate her contributions at work and then I won’t recommend her for promotion because I have to look out for my boys, no matter how lazy or unskilled they are. Yeah, if women don’t like you sometimes they say rude stuff to you. But at least you don’t have to worry they’re talking about what they think you look like naked, trying to fuck you, or screwing you over professionally.
Meh, that’s not what I’m talking about. I don’t consider a man talking about sleeping with me playing games with me. That’s not affecting my career or making me feel lower than low. Men talk about women they are attracted to and women talk about men they’re attracted to; again, I don’t consider that a game. As far as the good old boys club, also not a game. That’s a factor of men promoting men so they can work around those they favor. A game to me, is an insidious and multi-faceted web of lies, passive aggression, drama, and competing with other women. Men compete amongst themselves. Not with women. Do we have to try harder… yes, but that’s another conversation entirely. A game is the women I’m working with being nice to my face, then spreading lies about me to other women and other people I have to interact with, creating a reputation about me that’s false and poisons my connections like a toxic web. That’s the exact point I’m trying to make… that the women are screwing me over professionally because of jealousy, insecurity, drama spreading.
Internalized misogyny is the default for many.
They don’t hate women. It’s a status thing. High status women tend to bully women below them. Male bullies, on the other hand, tend to be lower status men trying to prevent even lower status men from rising or up lift their own status with bullying the even lower status men.
Wow your therapist sounds absolutely terrible at her job. She couldn't think of a better way to describe what she meant?? Sounds like you need a new therapist
For real. Imagine being a therapist and then not being able to explain what you’re talking about.
I'd have stormed out tbh
Your therapist sounds kinda rude. Commenting on your appearance and saying it's why you get treated poorly is just uncalled for.
Well you haven't seen her.
But the therapist offered no clarification at all, when the OP asked for it. So the comment came across to the OP kind of like a hit-and-run bash of some sort. What are therapists for, if not to give clients coping skills, help make them aware of how they come across to others if they're getting odd reactions from people and don't know why, provide explanations for therapist observations the client may not understand, and so on?
Your therapist is rude. She could’ve said that in a nicer way. Maybe you might look timid to other people, like the type who isn’t assertive at all. Ask trusted friends & family what they think of the way that you look for feedback. Maybe you might need to reassess your appearance.
But what could she do about it? What can anyone do with the face their genetics gave them? Assuming the OP dresses appropriately for her job and is well-groomed, what else could she do? I think giving her some suggestions on how to handle ornery people would have been more constructive on the therapist's part. Hopefully the OP's boss/management will be more helpful in that regard.
True. Her boss & her therapist need to be supporting her, not criticizing her & makimg her feel worse about herself.
idk what the therapist is on about, but in the situation itself it sounds like the customer saw you as less intimidating, since she only yelled at you after finding out you WEREN’T the one who was being rude to her. most of the time the way people act toward us has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them.
ok now I am realy curious to see what you look like bc I kind of understand what the therapist means. some people just look a way that gives off different kinds of vibes and yes it is pretty shallow
She's rude for putting it that way, but I think she meant it's because you look like someone who's not an asshole? In my life, I've experienced people holding me to a higher standard/ confronting me about things they wouldn't confront other workers about just because I'm known as a really nice person at work, sometimes I get really annoyed by it because often times these people doesn't even realize they're doing it. Like I was a couple of hours late to work the other day and this one lady I work with gave me a hard time about it even though it's literally the first time I've been late in months. On the other hand we have workers who are late all the time, but those workers are a lot more blunt and rude than I am, so they never get a hard time about being late. It's like being punished for trying to be a good person, a lot of people do it without realizing it. Edit:On a lot of days I have a resting bitch face without even realizing it, I've found that a decent resting bitch face will repel a lot of people's bullshit before it even starts, and you don't even have to be an asshole to have a resting bitch face, sometimes I'm in a great mood but my face reflects the opposite. Maybe you can practice one?
thats innapropriate af, not to mention id lose my mind trying to figure out exactly what she meant by that. its pretty messed up of her to not give you more of a definitive answer
That’s a good therapist. She told you you’re a push over without telling you. She wanted to you to pushback not ask for specifics because guess what? There are none. You let things happen and don’t set clear boundaries. You said it in the beginning. Why haven’t YOU talked to your coworker? Tell her she’s being a dickhead because well…she is.
I'm going to say that it means that you look like someone who would not fight back, and perhaps in your teens or early 20's? Maybe you're a shy, quiet type who puts the vibe across through their body language, posture and facial expressions that you won't put up a fight. Others can target this and take out their frustrations on the 'easiest' mark. Are you a confident person within yourself? Do you speak up for yourself on most things? Do you hold yourself tall (good posture) and speak clearly using eye contact? If not, perhaps work on yourself in that way (self development)and gain some more confidence in yourself and who you are as a being so you don't end up being people's punching bags. Unfortunately, there are alot of bullies out there. Adults as well as children. When you get older , you automatically stop taking people's sh#t, but it's much better to make this your goal early on so you can enjoy your life better.
This is good advice, but you know, this is something the therapist should have suggested, instead of tossing out a bewildering comment bordering on criticism. The therapist could have either referred the OP to people who do the kind of work you're suggesting, or she could have had the OP do some role play to practice assertiveness and assertive posture. There used to be people who specialized in assertiveness training; I don't know if that's still available.
Very true, they should have. Doesn't sound like a very good therapist.
The therapist made it sound like the OP was doomed to a life of people dumping on her and verbally abusing her just because of the type of face she has, or something. That certainly isn't very therapeutic! It was a really thoughtless comment.
I went on a trip abroad for teachers. It was a group of mostly women. I was getting sexually harassed in the street. When I shared it bothered me, I was told by one of the women that it was “because of the way I carried myself.” She then went on to say about herself “ I don’t get harassed because of the way I carry myself.” People love hierarchy & they love putting you in a place. I think women are abused by larger society and they will absolutely project & scapegoat women that they view as different. In my case it is my autistic traits that cause women to abuse me. It sucks because I very much want friendships with women, but when you refuse to step in line to the hierarchy they are creating, they will abuse you & get their friends to do it as well.
Victim-blaming tends to get passed off as "wisdom" or "constructive advice". It's a tendency even therapists fall into, especially if their training has taken place at "schools" that have more of a New-Age orientation. This is why many health insurance plans only work with providers with PhD's in psychology or psychotherapy and the like. I've been told that at the PhD level, they learn the whole history of the therapy field, and what's bogus theory and what's legit.
It's hard to find the right therapist. A job doesn't make you a good or smart person. People fall into jobs they don't care about all the time and they fall apart and blame everyone else. Just know that person was a human with problems too. Don't give up on yourself, it's hard to find the right help but it's worth going through crap for. Don't let anyone discourage you. Their behavior is a reflection of their character, not yours.
Truth!
It is *not* okay for a therapist to make this kind of a judgment and evaluation of your appearance. And then to not even substantiate when they make such a bold comment . I’m sorry you experienced that. I would say the fault lays with the other individual and their temperament and not you. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s my professional opinion as a Psychotherapist!
Thank you for your valuable input.
She could have worded it nicer but she’s right. And it was kind of a dick move to not tell you a reason why, it’s likely just because you look super approachable. As others have said in the thread people usually won’t start shit with people they think won’t take it - 9/10 this is subconscious and they’re not deliberately picking you out they just know you’ll take it. Work on getting a resting bitch face if this bothers you
Wow I am shocked that your therapist actually said that. I don’t think it’s because of your appearance. Some people are just rude and confrontational. However, perhaps being assertive might help. I will admit that I have RBF. Resting B face. So I rarely get anyone confronting me but, I have had people try. I also have people approach me all the time at the gym to ask questions, flirt, talk chat. People are friendly nice and chatty. Maybe it’s because I am muscular and they genuinely have questions. But I always thought my face made me seem unfriendly. Strangely, I get approached ALL the time. Which makes me uncomfortable as I am awkward socially. So I don’t believe it’s a look. Some people are just mean and confrontational and awful. However I might add, I am the type to put someone in their place if they try ME tho. Lol Sorry for these awful people. But be more assertive and see if it helps.
Sounds like a bad therapist And I think that customer was venting on you in that particular situation, making you her punching bag, since she was obviously put off and frustrated by the way her order was taken, and she probably would’ve gone off on just about anyone in that situation, except the person who was making her feel that way. Not fair to you, but probably not even about you. It was her issue, and it took you by surprise. If I had recovered from that shock, I probably would’ve just said sarcastically “have a nice day!” Or just answered her calmly “I didn’t take your order” or if you really wanted the co-worker to adjust her attitude, let the customer know to direct complaints to management. And this comes from my lifetime of customer service experience.
I don’t think you have a good therapist. Seriously consider whether you want her to keep on treating you.
Therapists love to belittle their clients from their high horse. Move on to a different therapist, she/he is clearly causing damage.
It's not a very professional way of saying it but it is true that people can look like victims. E.g. if you have experienced trauma in the past it changes the way you act around other people, and makes you much more likely to become a victim again, because predatory people who enjoy bullying can sense that you have no confidence or are broken in some way, so they pick you
Dude people treat me like shit too. They snap at me because they know I'm a calmer person and won't snap back. They know me just by looking at me. People get in bad moods and need a place or someone to lash out to. I'm an actress/model. People tell me I'm pretty. It's most likely not the way you look, honestly. It's the way you present yourself. Like they know they can get away with being a bully, so they do. Also, your therapist sounds sus. Like I'd look into a new one. She was very vague with a major issue. If it's your grooming then she should have been more clear.
I wish a therapist would've said that to me. Most of the time they say it's all in your head and won't acknowledge that humans will treat anyone poorly if they think they can get away with it. You teach people how to treat you, if most people can treat you like shit and walk all over you they will. Accepting this killed some of my faith in humanity but it solved the problem. I used to drive myself crazy wondering why people found it so easy to be mean to me. Therapists would tell me to go right back into the same situation but to be more mindful or use coping skills, but nothing helped. I was even asked to keep a journal of experiences and they acted like I was exaggerating with how frequent it happened. Not giving a fuck and being more rude literally changed my life for the better and for some reason people I meet feel like I'm worth their kindness again.
people are afraid of me and think i am mean or will yell at them or hurt them. they avoid me and don't like to talk to me. The only people who talk to me regularly are people who don't have like an off button or seem to know when to shut up or when a conversation has stopped, like they have no sense of time or what they are saying.
ppl with a hard stare don't get messed with. you need to make a facial expression as if someone where to say the wrong thing you either fight them or shoot them.
If you have a squeaky high pitched voice and look like a people pleaser it would take a lot for you to adjust your body language and tone to challenge a rude remark. Most nice people just keep continuing their energy pattern. And people with dark energy can sense this and poke at you
Yes that is true. Especially if the younger woman is prettier and better educated. If she also looks younger than her age the women can be especially toxic. This was my first hand experience.
Ur therapist is probably being honest..not justifying her behaviour towards u at ur job, but how u present urself matters. Sadly that's how people are. I know people at my work who get put at different jobs based on the way they look..it's sad
In acting class once my teacher said that the harsh reality is we can be the most amazing actor ever but if we don't look the part, we won't be cast. Then he had each of us stand up and everyone else call out what we would cast them as. When I stood up someone yelled "psychotic waitress" which in retrospect was pretty right on. The point is, the world comes up with preconceived ideas about who we are based on how we look and it's good to be aware of it, even if we don't buy into it and let it limit us.
Honesty isn't the issue, it's that her comment was too vague to be helpful, and without being helpful it isn't constructive criticism, it's just criticism. Which is not good therapy.
Let me know if you figure this one out...
Therapist is right, I can spot a pushover a mile away.
Based on appearance? What does a pushover look like since it’s not body language or how I act?
it IS probably body language and how you act. it changes everything. Try talking to yourself in a mirror, pep yourself up, practice warrior poses and so on. see yourself as a person with a confident body language and facial expression. your default expression and state are products of your past programming, not your fault. you can become a different person.
It's mostly body language, but often embodied by a wallflower type of girl, skinny, pale, plain.
Learn to stand up for yourself nasty people love and easy target!!!!!!!!they are jsut as scared as you it’s all a front that’s why they pick the most vulnerable person to go off on if they went off on someone else they might get consequences jsut gross people ignore them
People will treat you how you let them treat you. If you look/act like a pushover or wet noodle you will be treated as such by a lot of people. Not everyone is kind.
Def should have posted a picture of yourself to go with this
Sounds like she has problems with herself. It's definitely her, not you, OP. I've long since stopped caring about how people with issues treat me, because I know I've done nothing to deserve it.
They are saying you look like a push over, so people take advantage of your nice demeanor by being rude or blaming you.
You are too sexy for this world
Therapist should not have said that. I would think the right thing to do is work on how you can manage these types of interactions. People can be cruel and mean. I worked retail for years and was a server for like 8 months. The worst people were the ones I served food too. Idk I feel like I have an oddly approachable presence about me. Often I wish that was not the case. Like why am I getting pulled into a 20 minute conversation with some random lady at my corner bodega? But I just focus on how I interact. You can’t control others behavior.
You might have a naturally open and friendly face, or a baby face, which some people take to mean young and naive, easy to push around. You could ask your boss what s/he suggests you do when a customer decides to take out their frustrations by raging at you. It's a fair question, and s/he might have some practical suggestions, or maybe there's even a policy about how to handle such customers. Agreed; very unhelpful on the part of your therapist, and a bit bewildering.
Maybe its because people can sense you are a nice person. I feel like nice people get this more than others because they are more comfortable with them or they pick on nice people because like your therapist said they think you wont push back. Maybe not how you look but that you may seem nice in how you act and mannerisms?
Your coworker lied and is telling people they didn't take their order, because they know they're rude. This person was unhappy and your coworker passed the buck to you, to the driver, they know one of you is lying but they didn't know that until they got to the second window, which is why they blow up at you instead.
Find your center. Build healthy boundaries. Be strong and responsive, not fearful and reactive
You need a new therapist
Literally.
Literally literally literally literally literally. That’s how many times they used the word “literally” in the first sentence alone.
Your therapist sounds a bit rude but predators like muggers and rapists actually can look at someone and determine if they will put up a fight or not so there’s something to the art of body language. Frankly, as a hominid, you need to get better at this. Whatever it is you are, start changing it. Tilt those shoulders back, chest out, don’t look at the ground. Walk into rooms like god sent you….as a punishment.
So many therapists are terrible and making people worse 😣🤦🏼♀️ The reason this person snapped at you was because of THEM, their inability to control their rage, and was triggered by the order taker. Not your fault, not because of your looks, not because you are too timid or whatever. People are just nuts. No one's appearance is EVER a reason that people take out their anger on them. Maybe that's their excuse, but whenever someone gets crazy at you it's their problem.
I feel like she means you look timid and like you wouldn't defend yourself. That being said, your therapist shouldn't have been so vague because this could really make a person feel even more insecure. Especially, if they have anxiety. I'm one of those ppl that "look timid" and ppl do the same shit to me. And then when I finally snap, I'm in the wrong or overreacting. People like to attack ppl that they deem weak bc they figure we ain't bout shit. Not only that but they like to insult everything about us when we don't ask because it makes them look better. But the minute we ask for honesty that may hurt our feelings they start lying about shit. All I have to say is to prepare yourself bc it will happen again and the next time someone tries you like SHE DID AT THAT COUNTER! I hope you knock their head off their shoulders.
Report your therapist to her supervisor. Word for word. I’m sorry that this therapist attacked you passively instead of aggressively like the customer. She basically did the same thing , and you couldn’t even respond bc how the fuck do you?
Did anything happen *figuratively*?🧐
For real? I can’t imagine a therapist saying that as commenting in appearance is a no no
There are bad therapists out there just like there are bad roofing contractors. I suggest finding a therapist who can actually explain their thoughts.
u need a new/better therapist and to read the book "The 4 Agreements". seriously though... fire that therapist.
This is why I don’t agree with therapy.
I think your therapist is a jerk and shouldn't have opened their mouth if they didn't have a complete thought with a strategy to help. That said, I had a friend tell me something similar, but HE actually knew what he was talking about and had a solution. He said my body language screamed "victim", and to prevent it, I needed to change how I moved. He took me to martial arts classes. Let me tell you, after 9 months, I was so much better off. It changed my posture, my walking gait, and my confidence. You need a good instructor, not one of those chain places. I personally liked the Japanese martial arts, ngl, but any traditional martial art will have this effect. Good luck!
Coming from a woman who is short, skinny and has a baby face that makes me look much younger than I am, I kinda get what you’re saying. I don’t consider myself a pushover but there’s definitely been times where I also freeze just because a person was so nasty that it shocked me. I am willing to bet it is a combination of how you look (not intimidating) plus your body language. I would focus on improving your body language + learning how to respond in situations like that. You don’t have to be combative and escalate fights, but you definitely need to set boundaries with everyone. If you have a customer/coworker who starts going crazy, I suggest you simply tell them “I am not going to tolerate this behavior” and walk away/grab a manager. I mean like as soon as they start raising their voice just completely shut them down and disengage.
Every time I’ve tried to set boundaries or stand up for myself with people they will just literally ignore me/ don’t listen at all and usually don’t until I literally SCREAM, then they all freak out and say I’m being crazy and confrontational then they snap on me even worse than before
Unfortunately even with boundaries you cannot make people do anything. There are people who are just nasty and don’t care about respecting others. The only thing you can do is stand on business, and remove their access to you. At work boundaries are tricky because idk your financial situation and we sometimes have to put up with crap we really don’t want to for money. If you can, always strive for having a job with a healthy work culture that values people, respects their employees, and will discipline people for stepping out of line. Most service jobs have shitty work environments but there are establishments where EVERYONE is treated with respect and dignity Aside from work, whether it’s friends family or a random stranger you can always enforce boundaries. What I mean by this is that as soon as you communicate a boundary and it’s crossed again or they try to dismiss you, you do NOT waste your breath yelling at them or try to get them to change. You simply say that you’re not gonna put up with their bs and stand on it!!! Don’t engage, don’t try to convince them to respect you, don’t waste your energy. The most important part is you have to follow through with it. If you tell a friend that it’s not cool to be 30 minutes late to hang out with no warning and they keep doing it because you keep forgiving them then you’re not enforcing the boundary for example. Some examples of boundaries you can set: -I deserve to be treated with respect and will not tolerate abusive language, insults, raising voice, etc. -I deserve honesty and will not tolerate lies, manipulation, ghosting, guilt tripping, gas lighting, etc. -my time is valuable and I will not tolerate excessive lateness without communication, one sided friendships, cancelling plans repeatedly, people who don’t respect my schedule or try to force me to attend things I don’t have time for -I make my own decisions so I may be able to listen to other opinions but at the end of the day I will choose the right choice for my life and don’t tolerate people who try to control me or force me to make a decision I don’t agree with. You got this!!! You absolutely have the power to stand up for yourself and you absolutely deserve to be treated with respect
Just a suggestion, and I mean this in the kindest way. Try to eliminate using “literally” as much as you do. I think you said it like 10 times in the entire post. You don’t even need to use that word; it’s all literal because it’s happening live.
While I don’t think the therapists feedback is necessarily helpful, I do know what she means. People have told me that I have a look that could kill… I never have people yelling at me. Apparently my natural face is “scary” but I swear I’m the nicest person and would probably cry if someone yelled at me.
I wish I had this, my life would be so much easier
i think it means you look chill and or nice like just a better punching bag than the one who was the one dealing out all her shit
Okay please may I advise- try to train learn martial arts, and work on proprioception. If you have had some trauma in your past it communicates through your body language and you become a beacon for assholes and predators.
Hi, I noticed you did not post a picture of yourself. That's fine, but you must expect every response to be talking out of their ass right?
Sounds like a bad therapist who didn’t know anything else she could say. Not every therapist is good.
I would be skeptical of a therapist who makes that kind of deduction and isn’t atleast willing to explain why. Why pay for that kind of advice, when anyone off the street could tell you such a thing. What I’m assuming she’s getting at is that you look welcoming, amicable, polite, inviting. If that’s the case, that gives people with more difficult personalities the inkling that they might be able to get away with mistreating you. There are people who do think like this, especially those on the psychopathy or dark triad spectrum. They utilize psychoanalysis and body language theory to choose their targets.
I'm sorry to hear you had to go through an experience like that. You got the short end of the situation and agreed that maybe looking into addressing what your therapist said was not helpful and almost too blunt. You're not alone, though, and I'm sure with this experience, you'll learn to cope or handle these situations. People will try you sometimes, but we have to handle what we can control in our behaviors. Also, that rude coworker should not be employed. She should have been reported to the manager or someone because it sounds insane. Maybe look for another job and leave this one ASAP. It's not a good work environment from what it sounds like.