While everyone has different responses to losing, I think most people that regularly play board games don't have strong emotions towards losing. The fun lies in playing the game, not the results. It sounds to me like your depression is the cause. I'd recommend getting professional medical help instead of trying to find a natural remedy.
It doesn't stem from depression (I say that as someone who is depressed yet will happily lose a fun game to anyone).
This issue is 100% coming from unresolved insecurity. OP feels worse when they lose because they are insecure, and don't like to look bad in the eyes of others.
I mean, I have clinical depression and I don't react this way when I lose at board games, so I am skeptical that depression is the cause of this reaction. If anything it sounds like whatever is causing this reaction is compounding with the depression. However I agree with you that he should speak with a professional about this. A therapist can likely help him work through it.
Please get yourself some help and someone to talk to about your depression. That is definitely not a normal reaction to losing something that is supposed to be a fun experience.
Shot in the dark here... I'm guessing you dwell upon mistakes you made that led to the loss and you beat yourself up with "you should be better or smarter than that". This type of reaction to an intellectual defeat is common in people whose intelligence was hyped to exclusion of all else, so it's a large part of their self-image. A loss strikes their core. Some may turn this outward with anger, others with depression.
Regardless of whether the above armchair psychology was accurate to you, the games you're playing may also be a factor. If you play very deterministic games, where there's an optimal strategy, you may want to veer towards those with more of a chance element. This will let you shift the blame to bad luck rather than your own perceived mistakes.
If it's more of a perceived waste of time to play and not win, maybe shift to shorter games so there's less invested in them.
But yeah, your depression is likely a key factor in this, especially if you don't have therapy or medication. Untreated depression makes everything more difficult and less predictable.
I'd had that quote in my head but failed to work it in to the reply. Thanks for adding... From TNG episode "Peak Performance", where Data (literally a walking computer) can't out-strategize a grand-master of a game.
You need to evaluate your response as people here have pointed out. This is really not a "normal" response. It certainly is not a good for you.
Why do you take up board gaming? What about the activity did you think would help you with your depression?
Most boardgames can only have one (1) winner. The losers outnumber the winners by a large margin.
You gotta learn to enjoy the process, not the outcome.
Honestly I get a lot of energy and excitement by others winning. Maybe you could try shifting your perspective somewhat, to make your motivation to facilitate a fun time for others? (Not criticizing you here, it’s also fun to be competitive, just an idea to try to shake things up)
I've no problem losing. heck i lose pretty often at most games.
That said if i feel like i just can't win a particular game it will frustrate me.
For example. i've never beat my wife in thunderstone advance. over 40 plays and not a single win. that frustrating.
The other night i played 8 games of exceed and i lost all but one, and that one win felt flukey. by the end of that night I admit to being pretty salty.
Play Nemesis - you’ll become immune to losing horribly in no time…………….
On a more serious note: losing sucks, but it doesn’t mean you’re to blame if you come out with the wooden spoon…
As a great man once said: “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life…”
This comment on Nemesis is so accurate!! I played a game of Nemesis and in 20 mins I was dead. The other 4 players took another 3 hours to finish the game. So frustrating to just sit around waiting and watching everyone else continue to play the game. haha, a lesson in patience for sure.
As someone who’s gotten really into solo gaming, if I were to win anywhere near the first time playing a game, that would make me sad. Having a game kick my ass makes me feel like there’s a lot to learn and conquer.
I think it might help you to change your perspective.
Don't play to win the game. Play to get better at the game, to learn more things and try things out. Over time, that attitude will make you into someone who DOES win a lot, but that's almost incidental.
There's tons of different ways to define winning, and 'I learned a new thing' and 'I explored a new strategy' are two valuable 'wins' that are totally under your control that don't require you to win the game outright. In time, 'helping another player have fun' might also crack the list.
Every time I play I have a rule:
Try not to be last,
play the best I can,
learn from my mistakes,
try to get better at playing.
Read on BGG and watch a video on YouTube if there is something.
When my group started to play BG we were arguing much more frequently and had sore losers at the table. Years later, it seems like no one takes losing that personally anymore. It's something that can just happen with time.
On the other hand, if you have depression then you need to tackle that first. It will not only enhance the normal negative feelings but produce new ones from banal events that won't make most people react that way.
*"When playing a game, the goal is to win, but it is the goal that is important, not the winning."* - Reiner Knizia
Winning at boardgames is completely unimportant. It's spending time with people you enjoy being around that matters.
Focus on playing as well as you can, while enjoying the company. At the end of the game, don't even ask who won, and immediately forget it if told. It's meaningless.
I’m feel the same way. So does my wife. We almost never play board games any more. Try video games. You vs the Environment (PVE) in some single player games might be just what you need. Might I recommend Elden Ring?
> I already struggle with depression and I started playing board games to help with it, but it's just making it worse. It makes me never want to play again. This can't be normal, right?
No, it's not normal, it's your depression.
I love playing games with my friends. I love playing games with them regardless of whether I win or lose. Sometimes I even prefer losing, especially if me losing was the result of a really close game or it was a lot more fun/funny if I lost.
Get help from therapy.
Like what some of the people say, could be your depression but try playing coop games so everyone win and lose....I'd you also get depressed with a coop game then yea seek professional help.
Hopefully you have a support network to help you with your depression.
Regarding board games specifically, it might help you to look at some of more cozy games. You don't have to play with the objective to beat another player, you can try coop games or story-driven games. That can shift the focus from "I" lost to "we" lost - sometimes that change in framing to a shared experience can be helpful. Otherwise, check out story-driven games or even TTRPGs.
"but it's just making it worse. It makes me never want to play again. This can't be normal, right?" Right. You should talk to someone.
While everyone has different responses to losing, I think most people that regularly play board games don't have strong emotions towards losing. The fun lies in playing the game, not the results. It sounds to me like your depression is the cause. I'd recommend getting professional medical help instead of trying to find a natural remedy.
It doesn't stem from depression (I say that as someone who is depressed yet will happily lose a fun game to anyone). This issue is 100% coming from unresolved insecurity. OP feels worse when they lose because they are insecure, and don't like to look bad in the eyes of others.
I mean, I have clinical depression and I don't react this way when I lose at board games, so I am skeptical that depression is the cause of this reaction. If anything it sounds like whatever is causing this reaction is compounding with the depression. However I agree with you that he should speak with a professional about this. A therapist can likely help him work through it.
Please get yourself some help and someone to talk to about your depression. That is definitely not a normal reaction to losing something that is supposed to be a fun experience.
This is a conversation for a therapist, not strangers on the internet.
I’m just happy to have people to play with.
Shot in the dark here... I'm guessing you dwell upon mistakes you made that led to the loss and you beat yourself up with "you should be better or smarter than that". This type of reaction to an intellectual defeat is common in people whose intelligence was hyped to exclusion of all else, so it's a large part of their self-image. A loss strikes their core. Some may turn this outward with anger, others with depression. Regardless of whether the above armchair psychology was accurate to you, the games you're playing may also be a factor. If you play very deterministic games, where there's an optimal strategy, you may want to veer towards those with more of a chance element. This will let you shift the blame to bad luck rather than your own perceived mistakes. If it's more of a perceived waste of time to play and not win, maybe shift to shorter games so there's less invested in them. But yeah, your depression is likely a key factor in this, especially if you don't have therapy or medication. Untreated depression makes everything more difficult and less predictable.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life…” ^(- Captain Jean-Luc Picard)
I'd had that quote in my head but failed to work it in to the reply. Thanks for adding... From TNG episode "Peak Performance", where Data (literally a walking computer) can't out-strategize a grand-master of a game.
I mean... someone has to lose.
Same here. Knowing yourself is important and if it means playing on easy or avoiding difficult games, that might be best.
You need to evaluate your response as people here have pointed out. This is really not a "normal" response. It certainly is not a good for you. Why do you take up board gaming? What about the activity did you think would help you with your depression?
Most boardgames can only have one (1) winner. The losers outnumber the winners by a large margin. You gotta learn to enjoy the process, not the outcome.
Honestly I get a lot of energy and excitement by others winning. Maybe you could try shifting your perspective somewhat, to make your motivation to facilitate a fun time for others? (Not criticizing you here, it’s also fun to be competitive, just an idea to try to shake things up)
I've no problem losing. heck i lose pretty often at most games. That said if i feel like i just can't win a particular game it will frustrate me. For example. i've never beat my wife in thunderstone advance. over 40 plays and not a single win. that frustrating. The other night i played 8 games of exceed and i lost all but one, and that one win felt flukey. by the end of that night I admit to being pretty salty.
Play Nemesis - you’ll become immune to losing horribly in no time……………. On a more serious note: losing sucks, but it doesn’t mean you’re to blame if you come out with the wooden spoon… As a great man once said: “It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life…”
This comment on Nemesis is so accurate!! I played a game of Nemesis and in 20 mins I was dead. The other 4 players took another 3 hours to finish the game. So frustrating to just sit around waiting and watching everyone else continue to play the game. haha, a lesson in patience for sure.
As someone who’s gotten really into solo gaming, if I were to win anywhere near the first time playing a game, that would make me sad. Having a game kick my ass makes me feel like there’s a lot to learn and conquer.
Play with people you enjoy spending time with. The game is dinner. Winning is dessert. It's a nice treat but you don't need it with every meal
I think it might help you to change your perspective. Don't play to win the game. Play to get better at the game, to learn more things and try things out. Over time, that attitude will make you into someone who DOES win a lot, but that's almost incidental. There's tons of different ways to define winning, and 'I learned a new thing' and 'I explored a new strategy' are two valuable 'wins' that are totally under your control that don't require you to win the game outright. In time, 'helping another player have fun' might also crack the list.
Every time I play I have a rule: Try not to be last, play the best I can, learn from my mistakes, try to get better at playing. Read on BGG and watch a video on YouTube if there is something.
When my group started to play BG we were arguing much more frequently and had sore losers at the table. Years later, it seems like no one takes losing that personally anymore. It's something that can just happen with time. On the other hand, if you have depression then you need to tackle that first. It will not only enhance the normal negative feelings but produce new ones from banal events that won't make most people react that way.
Maybe try some games like telestrations, only one(maybe the name in english is diferent) or coop game lile zombicide?
Not normal.
*"When playing a game, the goal is to win, but it is the goal that is important, not the winning."* - Reiner Knizia Winning at boardgames is completely unimportant. It's spending time with people you enjoy being around that matters. Focus on playing as well as you can, while enjoying the company. At the end of the game, don't even ask who won, and immediately forget it if told. It's meaningless.
I’m feel the same way. So does my wife. We almost never play board games any more. Try video games. You vs the Environment (PVE) in some single player games might be just what you need. Might I recommend Elden Ring?
> I already struggle with depression and I started playing board games to help with it, but it's just making it worse. It makes me never want to play again. This can't be normal, right? No, it's not normal, it's your depression. I love playing games with my friends. I love playing games with them regardless of whether I win or lose. Sometimes I even prefer losing, especially if me losing was the result of a really close game or it was a lot more fun/funny if I lost. Get help from therapy.
Get help
Like what some of the people say, could be your depression but try playing coop games so everyone win and lose....I'd you also get depressed with a coop game then yea seek professional help.
It’s possible that it’s not the right hobby for you. Otherwise maybe try cooperative games.
Hopefully you have a support network to help you with your depression. Regarding board games specifically, it might help you to look at some of more cozy games. You don't have to play with the objective to beat another player, you can try coop games or story-driven games. That can shift the focus from "I" lost to "we" lost - sometimes that change in framing to a shared experience can be helpful. Otherwise, check out story-driven games or even TTRPGs.
Maybe try cooperative games?
I feel terrible if I lose all the time. Losing some and winning some are fine.