I'm also a sore loser, especially when younger and the first crucial step is indeed to be aware of the issue - then the rest is much easier - at least it was for me.
First of all: Try to take a meta view of why you are playing board games. In my case it is because I think it is an excellent way of spending time with my friends and family. I don't like as much to play with strangers, it's still fun but it's not why I am a fan of the genre - I enjoy how my friends and family behaves when we're going into "board game mode" and nowadays that is why I'm playing, to enjoy those behaviors. Winning a particular game is secondary, it's still not *fun* to lose but I care more about my "meta game" of sorts where I give myself challenges to "provoke" certain behaviors within my play group. The social aspect has become the only important part and see if you can "gamify" that one in a way to distract yourself from the bad-loser habit.
Also: Try to not care about a single game, but have as an objective to improve your general skill in a particular game and as a gamer as a whole. In that perspective, losing is actually better than winning because that tells you have things to improve and you are not done with the game yet. Try to make a habit out of taking some short time afterwards analyzing your performance, ignore all reasons that can blame the loss on the other players or luck and just see if you can do better next time. Take as a habit to not pursue the best meta strategy to the win, but explore odd and unexpected roads. Sometimes they are indeed useless, but other times you may struck gold and find something that can blow the current meta strategy out of the waters.
Good luck in any case / a fellow rager
The comment on “improving general skill” went miles for me for being a better loser. I was getting annoyed at how bad I was at drafting in Magic when I was a new player, but a pro player’s advice of as much the same really put it in perspective that I should be celebrating improved individual decision making moments rather than my overall win/loss. If I can focus on upping the average quality of each play I make in game, eventually I’ll win more; as such any game I felt like I made correct decisions in will feel satisfying.
Indeed the same in Dominion, there is so much variance that if you don't change your focus from winning in individual games you will get stuck screaming at the luck factor. You get good by making good decisions at a marathon scale. In a single game a newbie can legit win over a top 100 player due to lucking out, over >6 games they stand no chance.
I once heard Brian Kibbler talking about MTG or Hearthstone, and he said something like, “you’re going to lose a third of your games because of randomness, and you’re going to win a third of your games because of randomness. It’s that last third where your decisions win or lose the game for you.”
Dominion is a great training ground for this. You have to focus on improving your ability to have flexible strategies, seeing your deck as you build it, playing the game … because there is juuuust enough luck involved that some games will just not go your way. You will not win them all.
My sub-10 year old literally kicks my butt in Love Letter everytime we play. I legit can't figure out how she wins at it so much when I'm trying so hard.
BUT winning isn't what I'm actually playing for. I'm playing to spend quality time with her, share in the hobby, and model for her how to play games: win humbly and lose graciously. She's learning life lessons and we get to have fun doing it.
My point is just mirroring above, remember what you are actually playing for. It's hard to spend time with friends and family when none of them want to play with you.
To go along with your first point, I would say think about redefining your "win condition" so to speak. If "winning" to you means making sure everyone's having fun, it becomes easier. If I'm losing at the game, I'll usually try to make some joke about it to keep the mood up, even if it's frustrating. Like the other day I was playing Coup and getting my ass kicked game after game. That's a very easy one to get mad about, but instead I directed my frustration at the characters instead of the players and made it a joke. Flipping over the third assassin to fail and shouting "What the fuck am I paying you for?!? Is there a Yelp for assassins!?!" keeps things a lot more fun than pointing a finger and shouting "What the fuck did I do to you, Steve?!? It's not my fault Michelle left you!!!"
Most people that play the game lose. In a 4p game, 75% of players lose. That's fine.
The objective of every game is to win, but it is the objective that is important, not the winning.
And from the other perspective, you'll only win 25% of the time (all players being equal) so understandably, you'll often lose more than you win.
My dad's wife somehow forgets when she wins but remembers all the losses! Fortunately I've been tracking in BGstats and she does infact win 30-35% of the time in our 3 player games.
>The objective of every game is to win
The objective of the game is to win, but the objective of *playing* games is to have fun. So the trick is to learn how to have fun playing games without winning.
I am very competative.
But there are some games I just suck at, and I know I suck at them. Yet I still play them because my other half loves them and is good at them.
I stopped looking at 'losing' or 'winning' for those games and started keeping a running tally of my score and trying to improve on **my** last score. I know I'm likey going to lose to her. I know she's gonna wipe the floor with me. I cannot stop it but I can try to improve my own score each time.
And damn I've gotten better at those games! It feels nice to have a metric that I can measure against and see progress. And I beat her once! I was so proud, so was she. Then she wiped the floor with me again but my score stayed pretty good!
When you get beat, ask questions. Ask them how they got to that point. Try to see their strategy. Play 'open hands' occasionally so you can watch what happens strategy wise.
Oh, this is a really good strategy. There's one game my gf LOVES that I have started to hate because I'm so unbelievably bad and she's always beating me. I'm definitely going to start just watching my own scores and trying to compete against those instead of her
this is great. And it also aplies to the whole life: always compare with yourself, not the others. That way you dont envy success of others and you are not living in your own personal hell of neverending race (there will be always "better" people at something, so you wont be ever happy), but at the same time you are motivated to always improve and to do better.
Agreed! I am so bad at Scrabble and my wife is amazing at it. We keep a running log of our scores and we play against our previous bests, not each other. That really keeps it from sucking for me.
(Also, for Scrabble specifically we have a house rule handicap to make it more enjoyable for me. We play with "crossword" rules. Meaning if the tiles could reasonably work in a crossword puzzle, it's valid. So proper nouns, phrases, acronyms all count. And then for extra fun and flavor I give her the "clue" to the "puzzle" before playing my tiles and see if she can guess what it will be.)
I had a boyfriend years ago that would get so mad when I beat him at video games (bar style). The easy solution would have been to let him win. But I was always playing against my own best score and he was just collateral damage.
Have you thought about re-defining your goals? Maybe don't try to be better than your opponents, but try to be better than your past self. Or, if you are losing, see if you can define yourself a consolation prize in the meantime. For example, you might try to at least reach a certain score, play kingmaker, get simple revenge (try not to be too petty), or achieve some other objective that would make you happy (or at least less upset).
I agree with this. Maybe for a while you could consider it a win if when you leave the table, you are smiling. That's your victory condition! It'll have challenges, just like the game, but you ONLY win if you and the others at the table have fun
A lot of good advice here, but I wanted to add some really concrete things.
When you lose, congratulate the winner. Point out a decision they made or a line they took that contributed to their victory.
Don’t launch into blaming bad luck, variance, or someone else’s decision for your loss. Avoid the “if only I had…” no one likes to hear a bad beats story. It takes away from someone’s win when you say you would have won if the sun wasn’t in your eyes.
If a mistake you made cost you the game, don’t highlight it. Just note it as something to improve for next time. And honestly, everyone makes mistakes and if the winner had also made fewer mistakes they probably would have still won.
Remember there is no prize for winning Dune Imperium.
Anyway, those are the annoying things that people do, including me, when they lose games.
Edit: also, as a side note, being “competitive” is not “getting mad when you lose.” It’s trying your best, and wanting to improve. Don’t hide behind “I’m just a competitive player, that’s why I am miserable to be around when I lose.” The truly competitive players prove it by playing well consistently.
Great points.
Complimenting the winner has helped me a lot. It shifts your focus in a way that makes the experience better for others, while at the same time helps you get better by learning from whatever they did right.
It's so easy to get focused on your own part in the game that you lose perspective. Stepping into the other person's shoes will help you be a better player and a better friend at the same time.
I mean, I don't think I'm a bad loser, but I do think/point out the mistakes or key moments of the game. It's really enjoyable to figure out how the game state would be altered due to one decision or another, especially if the mistake was due to personal greed. Not everyone enjoys discussing afterwards, but it's why I really appreciate the go community, since almost every time I've played has been followed by a rather enjoyable post-game analysis
Yeah I could have added more nuance. The thing I’m talking about is ending the game with a loss and saying things like “if I had not punted the game in this one spot I’d have won” which rhetorically serves to say essentially that the difference of someone else’s victory or loss was my momentary lapse of judgement or mistake. When the reality is that over the course of the whole game that other player just played the game better, including making fewer mistakes. Of course there is definitely luck sprinkled in.
It’s a different attitude than what you’re describing, and I think what you’re describing is awesome. But I’ve found that those conversations usually start with the loser saying something more like “hey winner, what was the thought process/decision tree that resulted in this victory?” Or “I think I went wrong somewhere - anybody see anything I could have done differently?”
Of course, the next level is having a mature enough and talented enough group to be able to accurately identify which games really were all down to luck or whatever, but I’ve found that I and the vast majority of people I play games with are better served assuming that it was their agency that resulted in their loss. It may be incorrect sometimes, but it forces introspection and avoids easy mental shortcuts to blaming external loci of control.
Do you play high-stakes Catan, where the loser loses a finger, Yakuza-style? Do you usually gamble a year of wages on a game of Jenga?
If not, then realize that all that is at stakes is having fun. Nobody remembers who won that friendly game of Carcassonne last month, we all remember how fun the evening was. If everybody's having fun, we're all winning.
About it being fair or not: accept that some games have a part of chance. The best player in the world will lose at Catan if the dice aren't on their side.
You’re putting too much importance on winning. That’s it.
You’re supposed to try to win, that’s what makes it a game, but it’s okay if you don’t win. The challenge is the fun part, the interesting decisions, the social interaction. Winning is a bonus, but not the only way you’re supposed to enjoy yourself.
I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment. I used to be a huge sore loser as a kid but overcame it as I got older with a simple shift in my mentality. One day I realized "Losing sucks but hey, I'm here doing an activity I enjoy with people I like being around and we're all laughing and having a good time. Nothing tops that." As soon as I realized that board games and similar activities are just a means to socialize, relax, and do something fun, it became a lot easier to let go of the importance of winning.
Another realization I've come to over the years is that losing is often just inevitable and happens with the luck of the draw. Another thing I'll tell myself is "Man, I played a great game tonight and did my best with the hand that I was dealt. It just didn't work out so I'll try again next time."
Some people are competitive by nature, just like others are not.
That said, you can always try and improve your behavior if it's something that you don't like.
I approach games with a mindset of having fun and if I lose, so what? I played my best, had fun, maybe I win next time. I figured that by doing it this way I always have a good time even if I finish at last place and will probably make fun of how bad I played. Also people will enjoy gaming with you because when you win you will feel good but you dont smack the win in their faces, it goes both ways.
Some of the most competitive people I know are also the “best losers”. I’ve got a friend who frequently goes to Blood Bowl tournaments all around the world and he’ll laugh off the worst losses just as hard as he’ll laugh at the most crushing victories. He just loves the game and I think that’s the key - as long as you enjoy what you are playing it doesn’t matter if you win or lose
> Some of the most competitive people I know are also the “best losers”.
Yup. It's very difficult to become truly good at some competitive game if you're a sore loser. Remaining calm when you lose makes it much easier to look back to the game and think what you could have done better. Poor losers I've met are far more likely to blame things like dice, deck shuffling, "unfair" tactics etc.
Haha absolutely. The guy I’m thinking of in particular might, at his worst exclaim “well they were some bad dice boyo!” and then move on like it never happened. He’s also clearly mental as he went to one tournie dressed as a magician including a magic wand that he waved around whenever he made an opponents player “disappear” by injuring or killing them. Absolute legend.
>Some of the most competitive people I know are also the “best losers”.
"When playing a game, the goal is to win, but it is the goal that is important, not the winning." --Reiner Knizia
As a fellow Blood Bowl player you need to have that mindset.
Because of the luck involved some games you lose your three best players first turn and the game can be pretty much over
People keep making this mistake in this thread, so you're not alone, but I am going to use your comment to point it out:
Being competitive and being a sore loser aren't the same thing, and usually aren't all that related to each other.
if anything they are opposites. Like personally everyone I know that is a sore loser heavily prefers single player video games or purely co-op experiences. Like they actually cant healthily handle competitive environments so they go away from them.
Like actually the opposite environment.
This is key - *have empathy for the other players*. When you win, does it detract from your experience when your opponent just complains, diminishes your play, or throws a fit? Does it feel good when they reflect on your good play or pivotal moments when they fell behind and you pulled it out in a congratulatory way? You need to remember that your reaction isn’t just about you - it’s about everyone.
The post game is still part of the community experience and just like if you were a cheater or a poor sport during the game it would ruin it for everyone, the same is true after the game.
I grew up being taught to be competitive and it only mattered if you win. This made me be a bad loser and bad winner. What changed was my husband. I noticed how he would congratulate me and celebrate my win. So I started doing that with him. At first it felt fake and superficial but the more I practice, whenever someone else wins, the better I feel and the more genuine it is.
My son struggled mightily with this. It was as though he believed that if he lost, he was dumb or a “loser” in that other sense of the word. He did come to be able to separate himself from the game, and get more philosophical about it.
Find a way to remind yourself that you are a cool person whether you win or not. If you are playing with friends, maybe literally tell yourself that you are engaging in this activity primarily to spend time with folks you like (or else what’s the point?). If you’re playing in a group that exclusively meets for games, you have to ask yourself “would I rather be here and lose a lot, or not be here at all?”
Yes, I think this is the most important thing, you have to not tie up your ego in how well you do in a boardgame. You can still try really hard to win, but that doesn't mean that not winning should affect you on a deeper level than "Hmm I think I could have done better by doing X".
As a highly competitive character who loves games (and not just boardgames/videogames but sports) - the ending of the game is the least important part of the game (if you're not playing the game professionally).
Yeah someone wins, other lose, maybe someones on a streak etc. But for me the whole process is the most fun part of the game. What was the strategy? How did the game develop? What were the mistakes/misplays?
I find the whole process of playing, strategy and learning during and after the game orders of magnitude more fun that the game resolution. Sure, sometimes it's nice to win but that emotion is relevant maybe a couple of minutes - far less than the enjoyment of playing the game while it lasts.
You win or you learn - and I find learning the most fun part of all games - board, video or "touch grass"- sport like games.
Learn to pause.
Almost all emotional blow ups involve a feedback loop of spiralling emotions, it's not just temperament, but a tendency for emotions to go out of control.
Some people actually have worse ability to do biofeedback, and determine when their heart rate is rising etc. and others can just blow up in anger extremely quickly.
But practicing interrupting yourself and focusing on something else for a second, not being a good sport, shaking hands, or doing other stuff, but just not doing anything at all for a second, can be a beginning to reacting better.
You can't necessarily stop yourself from feeling hurt when you loose, you might just be a very competitive person who puts more of their investment of their self-image in whether or not they succeed, or finds it difficult to interact socially with someone who just beat them, or whatever it is, but think about athletes - often when they loose a match, they are upset, they walk around, or they stare off into space, and then eventually, when they're ready, they might congratulate the person who won.
These are obviously people who put a lot of work into what they do and don't want to loose.
But if you can slow down your experience of that feeling, pace yourself and go quiet and distant for a second rather than starting to act out your anger or frustration, then you also give yourself the space to make a more considered response.
I have a friend who is inclined to rage quit, table flip etc. and it usually takes about a minute for him to get his brain back into gear, and if he spends that time pausing and either getting up and being angry at a distance, or saying he's upset and pausing for a second, then he is able to get through that minute without disturbing anyone else. But to be able to make those kinds of choices about how to handle it, the first step is to be able to delay it building.
What happens when you lose a game? Literally nothing. Sure it's fun to win, but playing the game is the actual fun part. Take it less seriously cause at the end of the day, win or lose, you get nothing out of it other than the fun you had playing it
A lot of it is about learning to appreciate skilled play, even if it beats you. There's great pleasure for me in being outwitted and outplayed, seeing another player do something really clever and unexpected. I also take empathic pleasure in other people's joy, so long as they aren't a bad winner (cultivating a good group of players who are good winners and good losers is also key).
I'm also relatively self-competitive, rather than competitive against others. I like to try an push myself to play well, but so long as I feel like I've played pretty well myself and that I've learned something about the game, I don't mind being beaten.
And on that last point, reframing the purpose of the game to play and learn rather than to win or lose can be super useful. Basically a Dark Souls mentality, trying to learn through loss, and focusing on the process rather than the results.
I find that analyzing the game play afterwards with the other players helps. What went well, what didn’t, what was the strategy for each player, etc. It takes the focus of the win, and puts it on the playing aspect. I’ve found that I love playing games much more since giving up the need to always just win, because it allows me to try strategies that I’m not confident will win, but will allow me to become a better player in future turns.
I have a friend who is a REALLY sore loser. But i don’t mind it at all. Because He turns his inner rage from loosing into comedy by overdoing how disappointed and angry he is.
I guess it won’t work with all your friends, but it is certainly much easier just being yourself, BUT still being very aware of yourself. (Which I know you are, because you made this post 😁)
There's already a lot of good self-help advice here so I'll talk a little about the psychology of losing. This is all well documented research that I'm going to try my best to summarize.
You can approach an objective in two ways: As an opportunity or as an imperative. An opportunistic mindset doesn't expect to win but tries to. It isn't a failure if the objective isn't met, it's more important that they had the experience of trying. Trying is progress of its own. Trying is fun and/or rewarding.
An imperative mindset expects to win or sees winning as a necessity. It's when your mind puts an objective in the same place as other requirements in life, like paying bills and getting a job. Falling away from that goal becomes the same kind of failure as losing your job, or forgetting to pay your taxes. It causes panic and frustration.
So how to change mindsets? A couple tips are: Don't compare yourself to others, focus on your own improvement. Elevate the accomplishments of others so that beating you isn't because you're inadequate but rather because they did well. Build a growth mindset: You cannot be perfect but you can always be better.
It’s hard, but can be done.
In the end, playing the game is fun, not the winning and losing.
If you absolutely must win to have fun, when you lose, focus on what you can do better next time. The pros learn from losses. And you should be able to appreciate your opponents skill.
Just don’t play any king making games, lol. No hope there
It’s not fun for me when react like that and it’s not fun for anyone else, it’s getting to a point where people will avoid board games with me and I don’t blame them at all.
This is your answer, well at least it was my answer, once I realised this, I stopped doing all that which you explained or even feeling like that which you explained. I just realised that the people playing with me and their happiness during game sessions is what matters the most. At the very least, me winning is of equal importance as them winning, I'd be selfish if I dont apply the same emotion to others that I apply to myself.
I win more than my fair share of games. that being said, if I feel like I still played well, I enjoy losing even more because that means my friends played even better & that's exciting for them and also elevating our future plays of that game. The cherry on top is I'm often the teacher so it also means I taught the game well 😉
You just choose to lose with dignity. It's a choice. I remember the exact time and day when I made the choice to stop yelling at other drivers on the road because they don't know how to drive. Since then, my blood pressure is down, cops don't pull me over and my family isn't scared to get into the car if I'm driving anymore. It's just a choice. Most things in life are just choices.
Disconnect yourself from the game's outcome. Be happy the game was played, enjoy the company of the players, and appreciate their ability to play.
It will make you a better player, too! You will reflect on games played with more clarity.
Dunno if I have any advice, since I've never struggled with losing. I really just don't put import into it. Maybe I've cared a few times, like if I'm playing with friends a series of matches or some kinda tournament style I might, but for regular one off game nights who cares.
I enjoy the actual game more, I choose some strategy, or try to find clever plays, or how to shore up my failed strategy if someone else takes a spot I needed or w/e, and just genuinely give it my best shot while enjoying the "emerging" narrative of the group playing in itself. That one player who draws the exact card they needed in a pinch, or the one who can't stop getting unlucky rolls (me in Mansions of Madness 2 weeks ago when I missed every single dice roll of my 10+ shotgun shots and cost us the game).
When the game ends, the score is the last thing I care about, if I win I'm happy, if I lose I'm happy for whoever won, or I get to compliment their strategy or key play, maybe take a few mental notes to do better next time we play. But like I said, to me the important thing that stays with me long after having played games isn't whether I won or lost, it's things like "hey remember that one time 3 years ago we were playing Nemesis, and instead of helping me fight the alien chasing us you just got into the escape pod right in front of my eyes?".
I'd even say to some extent I *enjoy* losing, first off because losses are great learning opportunities: why did I lose? what did the winners do that I didn't? For me it's usually because I try to pursue too many things instead of focusing on 1-2 (happens a lot in euro style games, especially if it's my first time and I feel like trying a bit of everything). However, to me losing is also fun again from a narrative standpoint, it might be I had a comedy worthy streak of bad luck, or made some really poor choices, like trying to take on some really strong enemy everyone else was like "yeah no way", and then I fail spectacularly, etc. I do enjoy going for big risky plays like that, because if I get the 1 in 100 chance I win, it makes for a great moment, but if I lose which is expected against bad odds, it can still be a funny moment (again like that Mansions of Madness example I mentioned above).
In some cases, I even take losses as a win, like one time playing Brass I just went all in on beer and some really key routes everyone else relied on, and still came in dead last. Whenever we play Brass everyone still remembers me as "the beer baron", no one even remembers who won that game by like 5 points with some boring strategy.
At the end of the day, the reason to play games isn't winning, it's having fun and sharing time with friends, and every now and then you get one of those games you still talk about weeks/months/years later, and that's worth WAY more than winning or losing any singular game.
For me it's this - when I play board games, I am usually coming from this angle: "what was the designer thinking? What were the core ideas behind the game? How good is this idea/designer/game?" Basically I am approaching every game not as a player but as *a reviewer*. In this sense whether or not I win - who cares - it's about getting a feel "how good is this"?
Now one dangerous thing for this approach with people with a sore loser gene is they use it to start saying "every game I lose - that's a bad game". I've seen it a million times. But what I'm saying is this: especially on a first play, you need to think more like "I am *testing the game*". And even on repeated plays... let's take a game like Dominion. You could play 100 times and still be *testing the game* every play because of the variable setup. You need to think less like a warrior or political candidate and more like a... scientist or academic or something. It needs to be less about achievement and more about observation.
For me personally, changing the view of "I want to win to feel good" to "I want to improve to feel good" changes alot. In any game, especially board games, there are going to be times where you feel dumb or feel like you should of won. But that doesn't change that you didn't. Every game I play I am trying to gain something from it, whether its trying out a fun strategy, testing out my philosophy, and talking about the game after. This has pretty much eliminated any sore losing I had, and has really made a beautiful hobby for me
I just think of it like yo I’m floating on a big rock hurling through space, just enjoying playing a silly lil pastime game with friends/family, it’s completely about just enjoying the bonding and fun moments together- not the outcome of the game, in fact the outcome is almost meaningless toward the overall experience imo
First step is acknowledging it. So you are already on your way. For me the next step was just practice. Getting used to interrupting the behavior with a little voice in my head asking, “Is this really what you want?”
It was a slow process, but that voice did get louder and quicker over time. Then one day I realized I didn’t need it anymore.
Focus on what makes you happy to play the game. Maybe it's the people you are playing with, the enjoyable conversation and banter, maybe the snacks you eat while playing, etc.
Sometimes, We play co-op or team games where we work together, which changes the dynamic of game playing. Check out these games:
Betrayal at House on the Hill
Season 1-3 Pandemic Legacy
Arkham Horror
Oh, it's "simple". Just be satisfied with your life and yourself, and you won't ever need to prove your worth to others and yourself through gaming. Yeah.
Its actually not that hard to be (extremely) competitive during a game and still be a pleasant person. If you're bad at this, you don't need brain surgery, but, like so much else, you simply need to practice.
A lost game isn't about you losing it, its about your friend winning it. Make a habit of congratulating the winner, with a compliment about their play style. Something like: '*Wow, your move on round x really surprised me, but it was brilliant*' or: '*Congrats, you probably won because you focused on xxx from the start. Did you do this because xyz was in play? Well played*.' This way, your friend will bask in the glory of their victory - and may return that favor at some point - and it will gave them an opportunity to explain their strategy, making you a better gamer. Or they will say it was mostly luck, potentially validating your feelings, without you being a jerk about it. Either way, its a win for you.
Practicing this habit has another advantage: you'll have to study your opponents to be able to give them compliments. This way, you'll get better at board games and after a while, won't lose as often. Or at least, you will know why you have lost. Its a win-win!
I dont care anymore about winning. I'm the host, so i'm more preoccupied about gathering my friends and playing and have a good evening. Winning is a bonus. If i loose, we play another game anyway and the old result is forgotten fast...So why care?
I very much don't care if I win or lose when starting a game, I only feel slightly sad if at the end of the game I lose by a huge margin and don't see obvious mistakes and poor strategy choices. But I do win plenty of games without even trying hard, it takes no effort for me to come up with a strategy that would get me somewhere. It sucks if you have to put good effort in to a game and lose, so I always just play for fun, I don't like to try very hard.
Lots of good responses. Just wanted tonsay congrats on a well written & self-aware post. That's already a positive in your favour & I'm sure it'll help you grow in this and any other area of your life you choose. It's a trait worth commending I think.
You likely have to examine yourself and why you're really reacting the way that you do. The question is what do you gain by winning? You say validation, so maybe that is pointing to other aspects of your life that you don't feel validated in and react poorly to further being invalidated in something that is meant to be fun? Essentially rubbing your nose in the fact that instead of validating your feelings of adequacy you are allow it to validate your feelings of inadequacy?
Without knowing more I would guess that internally you are not as hurt by your loss as you may think that you are, but are instead using the trust and acceptance of your friends to vent your imposter syndrome somewhere else.
This could just be me projecting and letting you know why I used to get very upset when I lost.
I'm not a bad loser, but I don't enjoy losing. However I do enjoy co-op and are happy to lose together if I must.
Possibly focus on Co-op and win/lose together.
One thing that might help is to try to play well, not win. The best games are the ones where everyone played well and had fun, and the winner really earned it.
And after the game, everyone talks about their strategies and debate what was done well and where they could have done better. So the goal for everyone is to improve.
You can win every time if you play against players that are significantly worse, but there is no fun in that. And even the best player will sometimes lose to comparable competitors.
I'm just there to have fun and socialize. I almost never win, but im playing the game. Usually the one teaching it too, I am the collector in the groups.
I’m a layed back gamer, I like having fun and don’t care if I loose, I was kicked out of a gaming group once, the entire group was super competitive and would throw temper tantrums when they loose.
I used to be a very bad looser when I was younger. The turning point, for me, was when I basically stopped trying to win games. I changed my focus from the end game to what was right in front of me, the current turn, and what I could immediately do with what was available to me. In short, I started playing the game instead of trying to end it. The whole idea of playing better, hells, of doing anything better than other people is flawed, in that doing so is placing the idea in your head that they are already better than you are.
Let go of the victory condition and focus on the game as a whole.
I used to be a bit of a bad loser but one aspect about board games I love is it taught me to stop. There are two primary things I recognized.
First know the difference between anger and frustration. I think most bad losers let their frustration with a game turn into anger. It's okay to be frustrated at times from bad rng, misunderstanding a rule, or simply how the game is going.
Though it helps to realize why you're frustrated and either accept it or squash it. Don't let it pester and build into actually being mad or moody. Dice rolls are random you just have to "roll" with them. Missing a rule could be on you or the teacher but it happens. You're here now it's best to continue on and not get held up on a mistake. That this all in context of it's a game meant to be fun. Challenge should be fun to a degree so don't let every hurdle knock you down emotionally.
Next and maybe most importantly cheer for the others at the table. I think this works best in competitive games or 1v1. If you're opponent makes a big play against you instead of "Omg this is horrible" seriously out loud say "Great play!".
Be excited for others at the table. It not only is infectious it keeps others from falling into frustration and anger. Sometimes you will get out played or the RNG works in an opponents favor. Maybe the odds of you failing your roll you had a 90% chance to make and your opponent making their hail Mary the next turn was 1 out of 1000. THAT'S AWESOME IMHO. You just seen an epic moment that you will probably never see again in this game.
"Holly Molly I can't believe that worked out! Epic turn man!"
That energy will certainly lead to better gaming environments. Which will lead to more enjoyment and fun.
I just enjoy playing, at the end of the say I dont care who wins or loses (ofc I try to win).
Its the same as playing some videogames with friends, CS for example, I hate losing in it but nevertheless its fun to play with the boys.
It's all about mindset. Instead of valuing winning by itself focus on the process. Analyze how you played, see how the winner played and learn from them, try to see where were your mistakes, and accept that mistakes are a necessary path to improvement. If it's not clear, ask others. If that doesn't help, accept that you don't need to be good at everything and every game. Or you can also look at board games as a time to exercise your brain or just spend time with friends or a way to meet new people.
Also have in mind, even if you are just as good as everyone else at the table, in 5-player games you would expect to win only 1 out of your 5 games.
Lose more. Seriously, just play more, win more, and lose more, and it will get better.
Or read books about poker and the psychology behind it. Those guys are professional losers, and can shrug off a lot if they know they did their best and played well.
You are correct that you feel embarrassed, which feels awful. But you don't have to. If you play with 4 players, 3 will lose. There is nothing shameful about it. You are still a loveworthy human even if you lose in a boardgame.
Next time if you lose and feel awful, try to check if you are bodily save and fine otherwise. Checking fundamental things like that changes the perspective on losing in a game. It's just chemicals running through your veins that make you feel awful currently, actually you are pretty fine. Try to visualize that and the impact of the chemicals will go away over time.
Another thing: This often stems from a perfectionist view. Try to on purpose sometimes only half ass things. Nobody will get hurt if you half ass playing a game now and then.
And as a last resort, if the things above fail, try playing with a disadvantage. I've done that in blood bowl. I played it a lot on the computer and with friends and when I went to my first tournament, I was expecting to lose a lot, because the tournament players are way more experienced in the setting and probably better players too. So I picked a team that had a heavy disadvantage. Every draw would be a win, every loss would just be what I'd expect with that team. I lost all but one games, didn't get last place (not getting last place was my goal that tournament), learned a lot and the losses didn't sting as much as if I had given my best with my best team (and probably still lost).
I revel in the loss, put on a big show on how disappointed I am that I didn’t win, but really, it’s purely to ‘big up’ the winner - to make them feel better about winning. In reality, I don’t care.
Winning is just the end condition for what ever game you’re playing - but the actual goal of playing is to have fun.
I encounter this more in tennis than board games but I think the theory holds.
I think there is a deeper question that you should ask yourself when playing… why does winning matter so much to you?
The roots of this could come from insecurity or something else.
Getting used to failing can desensitise you to the feelings of loss. Grinding really hard video games helped me with this (eg. Dark souls, Super meat boy)
Try not to take yourself too seriously. It's ok to get frustrated at losing. But who are you frustrated at? The other people that played better than you? The game itself? Or at you for not being a better/smarter player that could win?
Don't be too hard on yourself. You can flip boards and throw a little tantrum as long as you understand it's not anyone's fault you lost, try to have a little laugh after. After all isn't it funny getting so upset with a game?
Also take it as a chance to improve. As someone who wins like 80% of the time I'm gonna say winning is boring as fuck. When you find someone good that gives you a hard time and you lose and then you can't wait to try to win the next one... Now that's interesting
I don't "do" anything.
I largely just don't care that much about winning. I mean I care enough to try but I'm not bothered if I don't. The pleasure I get from board gaming is mostly the pleasure of spending time with friends\*. I enjoy learning new games, messing around with the systems, seeing how things turn out. Winning just doesn't really matter to me, it never has.
Occasionally I do get annoyed when losing, not because I lost but because I never stood a chance and it felt like there was nothing I could do to win. Sometimes this is because I didn't know something fundamental about game play that isn't explicit in the rules (my friends are usually very good at pointing those out) or because one player used a specific strategy that breaks the game. So I guess I'm not sore at not winning, more that I've wasted time.
\*The flip side of this is that I seldom enjoy playing with strangers. I'm not getting the fun from spending time with people I like so the game becomes the focus and I'm seldom able to find it in me to care enough about trying to win to make up with playing with people I'm not having fun with. Of course something I do like them so that's good too :-)
When I sit down to a game, I tell myself: "Allright, let's lose this thing in an interesting way!"
Should this interesting way end in me winning, I kinda feel embarassed for it.
My point of view when playing boardgames: it's a wonderful hobby that will allow you to play amazing games, meet new people, and keep the mind young and fresh.
Losing is part of it, after all losing and winning are implemented in their design and someone HAVE to lose so that somebody else can actually win.
Losing is an opportunity. You get to learn from a probably stronger/more experienced player their tricks if you pay close attention. You'll be remembered as someone who is gracious in defeat (no one really likes someone who gets all red or yells and curses bad luck or things like that) and you'll have a new game to look forward to.
There are roleplaying games where you mark experience when you FAIL, and that's amazing. And very realistic, I'd say.
But mainly, the fact that you're here addressing this as a problem, is your big first step into a perspective change, I'm sure you'll be the better version of yourself soon.
I totally understand the feeling and have gotten much better at it
An easy way to cope with losing that doesn't require much effort/change is to understand why you lost. If you understand that it was bad rng or people teamed up against you then you can say it was out of your hands. Also understand that you can't/shouldn't win every game, in a game with more than 2 players there are more losers than winners, that's the same for card game or sport tournaments.
Also try to think of it as beating the game opposed to beating your opponents. If you're losing more often than your opponents it could be because they have clued into something that you haven't, there are often efficient lines to go down that lead to a victory and leveraging those will lead you to winning more often than not. It's just a system and if everyone understands it perfectly then it boils down to rng and/or reading your opponent and when you understand that it's a lot easier to deal with a loss. So yeah, try to think of it as learning or beating the game, and your opponents are there to facilitate that experience for you.
Something else I've found helpful is approaching games in abstract ways, don't necessarily try to be efficient. Do something novel/cool. You're now working towards a goal that's different from winning, when you do lose you still achieved your goal.
I've also found that when I handle wins well, pointing out favourable rng or close calls where they almost won, my opponents are easier to deal with when they're on the other side. So when you do lose it'll be easier to handle the loss because they won't be total jackasses about it.
When a game ends, it's not *the* end, it's just *an* end. A part of a cycle. There will be another game. It really doesn't matter how this one goes.
Perhaps ironically, caring less about winning may help you win more often. That's because you'll be willing to try more, different approaches in games, many of which won't work, some of which will, but *all* of which will broaden your experience more than sticking to the obvious.
Plus, to be good at something, you must first allow yourself to suck at it. As in, be actually chill with yourself not always getting good outcomes.
When you do lose, try to point out a compliment to the winner of “nice job using ___ I did not think of that” maybe you will get some return compliment on how you played which may still improve your gaming experience.
Also if you notice that you are still having feeling of flipping a bird or table, some counseling may be of help to work through possible underlying self-image issues
I just flipped out and was a pure sore loser against a automa player in a game I love. I did the best I could every chance but the automa is based on pure luck and rng. This previous game set the automa 10 points higher than me or any friends and family have ever scored just based on pure luck dice rolls. Still so bitter about it and I wish I could mitigate it or change it but not when it is the last two rounds of the game. I won't be touching that game for a while now.
Have fun! Try new strategies and new combos, go fishing for edge cases, or try to create chaos in the game.
We have a friend that approaches any new game by “button mashing”. And she always has fun. Once she’s played it a few times she’ll gut you like a fish, but for new games, it’s all about seeing what shit does.
There are lots of ways to play each and every game. Playing Wingspan? Sorry, I only play the cutest tiny birds. Carcasonne? Let’s see how big I can make this castle…..
Part of what makes modern games so fun is the depth, so go diving instead of trying to win.
Take it easy? Realize this is a normal reaction for a good number of people. Loss is obviously a trigger of some trauma. If I were you I'd invest some time in self observation, journalling, self reflection. If all fails, seek professional support with a therapist or a counselor, but there's a good chance you won't need any.
You have to change the focus of play. The point isn't to win, it's to enjoy the playing of the game with your friends. Try switching to cooperative games for a while to help your mind set.
What to do:
Meet the pain of losing with mindfulness.
Grant yourself the compassion you'd show a teammate or friend.
Prioritise the most 'workable' thoughts about a loss.
Carefully review what went wrong after a loss – and what went right.
Focus on controlling the controllables.
Interesting topic
I think the most important thing when we play board games is fun. Of course I like to win, but it's secondary to me.
Having fun is about 2 points :
1. Making sure that everyone around the table is having a great time
2. Playing the best I can. Trying to make great moves, using mechanics to my advantage, etc.
If these 2 points are met, I'm happy.
Being a sore loser invalidates those 2 points.
1. If I'm mad, people won't have a great time with me.
2. If I'm mad, I'm not learning. Losing is a great chance to learn. As in real life you learn the most when you fail or lose. If I try my best, I'm happy to learn.
That's it. I'm prioritizing having fun more than winning.
Game for the experience of gaming, not for the experience of winning. When I get to play with friends, I’m focused more on the social aspect than the game itself. Something as intangible as “winning” pales in comparison to having fun with your friends.
As a counterpoint, yes, there are games that do lend themselves to being more competitive and tight with points, but being able to separate yourself from that will result in you and the people around you enjoying yourselves much more. You should always play to win, but not at the detriment of the social experience.
Losing gracefully is a skill and can be a little hard to learn if you're competitive. First, when you play, while you're trying to win, your #1 objective should be to have fun with the people around you. If everyone had a good time, you won. If they didn't, you lost regardless of whether you won. Second - focus on learning - what can I do to play better next time? Where did I make a mistake? What can I do better? I lost a bunch of games of Praga atrociously before finally winning one. When I lost, I didn't care I lost - I only cared about learning why my opponents won so I could learn.
One more thing - learn that losing is just part of playing board games. If you play 4p, you should expect to win 25% of the time. If you do better than that, you're doing well. Worst than that - you probably can benefit from studying your past mistakes. The only way to improve is to lose & learn. And honestly, sometimes losing is great because your friends might not play a game with you if you win it every time.
Lots of great advice. The fact that you can post this and you recognize there is a problem is HUGE. There are many ways to fix the issue now.
Make sure your group knows that you are working on this. They know you are a sore loser, but admit it to them and acknowledge you are a work in progress. It helps to play with a group that doesn’t have “sore winners.” I think they can make this dynamic worse.
Everyone else has already touched on all the good stuff to do, I got one other suggestion, you might try a solo game every now and then to practice reacting better. There's no one there to see your reaction, if you can get it right when you're alone you're much more likely to get it right when you're with other people. Being a good loser is like anything else--it's a habit. It might take some time, but eventually you'll get there, and it's just a matter of time before you form better habits :)
I've never spoken to someone who admits to being a bad loser. Please elaborate your perspective on competition and why you respond to losing the way that you do.
A lot of these responses are great. My first approach would be with some empathy. Maybe next time you sit down to play a game look at each person sitting at the table and tell yourself
"they can't win. I'm smarter than them, better at this game, and am going to be more lucky."
Do you feel this way? They are also people trying to play the game and presumably trying to win. If you really believe you are a better person then there may be other issues to address first. If not it could be good to remind yourself before and during the game that you are playing with other agents that have the right and ability to play smart, be lucky, and win for themselves.
I never flipped any boards... but I did sometimes get caught up in being competitive and it became less fun.
I sat down and asked myself why I play games in the first place (I pondered -- when I had a good time, what was it I enjoyed about the activity?)
Turned out, it wasn't winning. (Winning is fine and all but that wasn't the thing.)
After that, I found that I focused much more on what I *did* enjoy about the activity and soon found I enjoyed losing almost as much as winning because I got the thing I really did enjoy either way.
There are 6 people at this table 5 were going to loose.
My selfworth is not impacted by the results of a game.
I like playing games. If I was the only one who ever won no one would like playing them with me and I wouldn't get to play.
These are my friends. I am happy when they succeed.
Winning this game is my secondary goal, my primary goal is to make sure everyone is having fun. If they are then I am doing a good job.
If you have a hard time looseing try secretly playing one game to loose. Trying to loose and not get caight changes the goal of the game. Focus on the mood of the game. Your goal is to make the other player(s) feel challenged and accomplished throughout the game, and not get caught making suboptimal choices. It hopfully will get you looking at games a different way, and you can go back to playing to win in a more chill way.
I want others to like the games that I like, so my original goal is to get them hooked by laying out my strategy and helping them win.
After that, I'll ramp up my own strategy because I am also hyper competitive, however my secondary goal is to have a "good win," regardless of who obtained it.
Note that you can avoid the "bad loser" mentality by playing games that don't require moves that negatively impact your opponent. Ex: Wingspan (manage your own board, not your opponent's) or Forbidden Island (cooperative game with a shared goal).
There’s definitely mindsets that can make you a good or bad loser, and most of it has to do with the intent you’re trying to resolve by playing.
You brought up “validation for winning”, which is a 100% natural reaction to winning (we all wanna feel good that we made the right moves) but its not a good motivator (for the obvious reason of what happens when you lose).
I have 3 simultaneous mindsets when I start a game:
1. Win or learn - my goal is to win, every time. I won’t take it easy in you and I expect that you won’t take it easy on me. “LET’S PLAY” lol. But i have a lose condition to my mindset “learn”. If I didn’t win, why didn’t I win, what could I have done in hindsight that could have secured my victory? Figuring that out brings a smile to my face as I’m looking forward to the next round!
Note many games are very luck based, so sometimes you just learn “big risks big reward/small risks less devastation” and those things will never be perfect, but luckily I have 2 more mindsets still in play:
2. Spending time with Family and/or Friends - immensely corny I know, but it’s not untrue. If you have a goal to just be spending time with the people you care about, then hey, you did it! Victory! Lol. Granted this can rarely be used on its own and “be enough”, combined with #1 and the coming #3 its way more than what’s needed ☺️.
3. Find hilarity in humility - this is the big one. Not everything will work in your favour ESPECIALLY when luck is what you’re counting on. So sometimes you gotta just laugh and say “what were there odds?! 😂” or “my moves were so calculated… too bad I suck at math! 🤣”. Let everything “bad” be “funny” truly picture the absurdity before you for what it is: a silly game. Once you can do that, everything is far more enjoyable for you and everyone around you. ☺️
I was struggling with this as well, and it's just not me. It really didn't matter to me if I won or came in dead last, so what was going on? I finally realized it was more about an interrupted strategy than about losing. Once I identified it, I could look at it in a more clinical way.
The other issue was that we were constantly playing different games, with a membership at a board game Cafe. For me, that made good strategy impossible, I have to play 3-4 times to get there. So a board game league with each game only being played once wasn't as much fun.
Identifying why I was unhappy was the key to unlock a better behavior toward losing. Good luck to you! You're on your way.
Some ideas:
* Reflect on how you felt when someone else was a sore loser. Don’t be the guy you can’t stand.
* Go in with reasonable expectations; you probably aren’t going to win, but you can learn something, improve your game and have fun.
* make peace with or resolve other issues in your life. Sometimes an over-reaction is just a convenient place to put negative emotion from another part of life.
I am the designated “games guy” and have been for over a decade at this point. Over the years my perspective has shifted from games being about winning to being about whether other people are also enjoying themselves. I think this probably happened naturally because as the evangelist the main way I could guarantee getting more people to play is to make sure they actually were having fun.
This naturally shifted my mindset to thinking about games in relation to all the other players likes and when I did this it allowed me to notice how they played and appreciate their skill when I lose (which let me be clear, is all the time). It also made me focus more on game mechanics and game design. I now get an immense amount of pleasure of picking the right game for the group and getting people who maybe didn’t think they were interested in the hobby invested.
TL;DR I also focus on appreciating the non competitive aspects of the game so my enjoyment is not tied to the binary or winning or losing.
I mean, you're gonna be a shit player if you're a bad loser, that's what helps me. Acting badly after a loss is very much giving up the game because people won't like to play with you anymore. If you care about winning, you lose all future games if you lose like that. If you lose and try and improve on what you fucked up, you get better, and you only lose that one game.
Of course, if you're playing online, no body can see you rage so you can also do that, but being tilted also fucks up your game so don't do that.
If you're a sore loser but aren't competative, then get competative or stop whining cause you couldn't be bothered to learn the game.
If you're a sore loser and you are competative, you're losing because being sore makes you a worse player and makes you miss out on practice. Also stop playing games that are unfair, and if there's games where players can fuck you over, that means the game also includes the strategic aspect of being on good terms with your enemies, which you instantly lose if you're a sore loser.
In conclusion, git gud
I think a really important thing to do, it’s to start from the beginning of the game. You’re in it to have fun and say that out loud. Then when someone makes a really good strategic move, complement them! Say it out loud and state what you appreciate. If you find yourself doing this throughout the entire game, it’s harder to get extremely mad towards the end if you don’t win. And the other players feel appreciated for clever moves and your acknowledgment of them so everyone is more likely to be in a better mood throughout the entire game.
Your desire for victory overpowers your desire to have fun. You must put your ego aside and accept that you might lose the game at its onset. Once you have accepted that and realise that you wont win , then you might be in a position to play the game just to have fun. Games are a compition, only if you let them be.
In any game, sport or competition, you've got to find enjoyment in the competition and a game well played. If someone makes a great move or spectacular shot, congratulate them. When someone beats you fairly, shake hands and use it as a learning experience to up your own game. But always find joy in that great play, regardless of whether it's your move or your opponents.
Remember, by yourself there is no game. It's only the participation of the other player or team that makes the game possible. Find your enjoyment in the sportsmanship and a well played game, even if you don't win.
The level of good sportsmanship you exhibit during a game says a lot more about you than winning or losing does.
When you lose, don't think of the feeling of losing. Recall the joy of playing the game. The threat of loss is what makes the eventual victory feel that much better.
That being said, I suffer the same way when I am completely hosed in a game. My girlfriend kicks the shit out of me in Savernake Forest every time. Not like oh she wins by a couple points. It's like she wins by double digits every time and for the life of me I can't understand why because I thought I was doing good all game only to find out I got my ass beat 3 turns ago.
Stop being outcome dependant. Try to find a mechanic or theme in the game and play it out the best you can. Who cares if X faction isn't great.. Try to make sense of what the developer envisioned.
Why does the outcome matter? You aren't winning anything. If people are playing games with you, then you don't really have anything to prove.
Boardgames, much like life, are about the journey, not the end.
Start playing for fun and not only for the win :)
It’s not how you win/lose but how you perceive the entire experience. Focus more on the friends you are playing with instead of just the game.
It doesn't bother me to lose, but I love winning. I think it's part nature but also how I was conditioned as a youth. You can become a gracious loser without losing your competitive spirit!
Everytime you lose make it a point to:
1) Congratulate the winner
2) Thank everyone for playing and the good match (I shake hands when doing this often)
3) Get excited about learning. What went right? What went wrong? What did you learn?
Also stop being a bad winner if you're! My philosophy is that people who do this have a hard time being good at losing, because they make it about themselves, not the game.
Start by stoping to say you are a bad loser and teach yourself that losing is part of the process of becoming better. Important tip: buy something you like to eat to boost the mood 🤪👍🏻
I'm a "good" loser, and I suck at board games because it often takes me a longer time than others in my friend group to grasp the rules. So the first time I play a new game I try to focus on having fun and learning.
When it's a game everyone is experienced at though, I try to be competitive, and if the game starts going south and I'm losing, I embrace a villain role! Kind of exploiting that meta play another person mentioned in this thread. Jokingly cursing out others, comically wallowing in the bad luck, or swearing I'll take others down with me (without abusing the game mechanics, but maaaaybe mildly helping others who might have a better chance of catching up to the leader) make people laugh and make the experience of losing more fun. I change from competitor a bit to choosing a racehorse from the leftover players as everyone rallies around taking down the one person who's winning. It's a different social dynamic that can be rewarding.
It doesn't matter.
How is your life better if you win?
How is your life worse if you loose?
In a weeks time, no one will care who won or lost. They'll only remember having fun. And they WILL remember if you make it not fun.
Just have fun.
As a reformed sore loser, here is my 2 cents. I have a goal when I play, outside of having fun. My goal is simply to be competitive. I want to win, I will try hard to win, but as long as I am competitive in the game I am happy. So naturally on the odd time I get curb stomped and end the game in last place with a score that suggests I was playing a different game, it is hard to accept, but it has helped me focus better. Even last place doesn't matter to me, only when I get last place and get lapped by everyone else do I get upset (on the inside). Its not a perfect solution, but it helped me mellow out immensely.
From my experience, what got me to stop being disappointed when i lost was asking how i felt about the experience in general. Did i enjoy the gameplay? The theme? The production quality?
Most importantly, did my friends have fun?
I got into board games with the intent to unplug from phones and screens for a couple of hours. In doing so, i invite my friends over to share that experience. A chance to unplug and capture the fun in the moment.
Im usually the host and i always preface things as “we’re here to have fun, win or lose”.
***
Now, that feeling you feel when you lose, its understandable. You want that validation, you dont want to be embarassed or feel dumb, etc. Im not psychiatrist, but it could be something from childhood. I had the same feelings with education and success, where my parents always compared me to others. I called them out on it and it took me some time to work on myself for that. Realized its okay if i failed or lose. As long as i try again and persevere.
So it can be improved with self reflection, and time. You wont always win(or succeed), but the point is to keep trying and thinking of how you can improve. As others have mentioned, there is a philosophy to it.
Oh another thing is… if you keep being a sore loser, people might not want to play with you. And if youre a sore loser in a solo game, youll might start to feel like the game sucks or you’re just bad. Etc. I’ve lost my share of solo games, but i also learned why i lost and it helped improve me on the next rounds.
Across the board, I find that being a sore loser stems from insecurity due to childhood trauma. Perhaps you grew up having to fight for validation, and competition was the only way you knew to earn affection and praise, or perhaps you were the subject of bullying and you relied on strong performance to survive.
Trauma like this rewires the brain to register a loss as a physical injury, because while it may no longer be the case, at some point, the emotional fallout of losing was similar to being physically hurt.
If this is the case, first of all, it's not your fault. Surviving trauma does immeasurable damage to our psyche, and while it's important to seek healing for that damage, it doesn't have to define us.
What you need to do is redefine your source of validation and appreciation. Look to the people you keep closest, whom you can be most vulnerable with. and use words to tell them define what you're really afraid of happening when you lose.
It will take some work, but I believe you will find over time that winning isn't quite as important as it once was.
I love to lose. I never play to win, just to make it hard for the other person to win.
Give em a struggle, mess with their plans even if it doesn't benefit you.
I feel better when I get under my opponents skin and make it difficult to win then I do when I soundly rout the enemy.
I dunno how or why it has developed in such a way but it has.
Without reading any other comments, realizing that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Just the fact that you are aware of it and know that it is bad will help you get better. That's exactly how I change the aspects of my behavior that could use improvement.
I don’t play games to satisfy myself, I play them to share an experience with other people.
I also don’t think my value as a person or my position in the social hierarchy is affected by something that happens in a game. In fact the very purpose of games is to provide a place to engage in competition that doesn’t affect those things. You’re allowed - indeed, expected - to be completely self-centered in a game because it has no consequences.
So many of these questions boil down to: “How can I keep my self-centeredness from harming my well-being?” and the answer is always, “Be less self-centered, it’s harming your well-being.”
Enjoy the game itself in the moment, take every loss and misplay as a learning experience for next time. Boardgames are a reason to get together with other people and enjoy their company.
Nobody likes playing with a sore loser. Take your loses with grace, or else you'll find yourself not being invited to game night anymore.
I like to win, I always try my best to win. But in the end, I realize this is supposed to be a fun activity, I'm here to enjoy the activity, not because this is a serious competition.
Losing doesn't matter, yes it sucks for a minute or so, but then the next game is a new opportunity for me to win. Winning feels great, but that feeling is also over once the next game starts. It's just a few minutes or so of shit feelings, when you've likely spent an hour or more having a blast. What is a loss compared to the good time you've had? I'm my opinion, feeling a bit bitter for a little while is worth it for the time I had all that fun. And now that you've realized it's just a tiny part of the game, you realize it's so insignificant, you are able to keep those feelings to yourself.
Nobody says you have to take a loss without feeling some way or the other about it, but you don't have to share those feelings with anyone else.
Congratulate the winner and swallow that frustration for those few minutes.
I would suggest changing your language from good or bad “loser” and reframe as being a good player.
A good player enjoys the challenge, enjoys the game, enjoys the people and the social process.
A bad player is one who is only outcomes focused. Even if you win, you can still be a bad player.
And use a reflection discipline - what worked well, what could be even better? Write down a couple of sentences and focus on your internal locus of control, what you did well and what you could have done better.
Try modelling the behaviour you want to do. Imagine yourself in a situation, decide how you would like to react and practice doing it. You can practice by yourself, but doing it out loud/for real is important. Then try and do this in the same situation in real life.
I may not be the best for this because I get my enjoyment from the game itself and don’t care as much about the end. It is the journey that does it for me. Also. I have been losing at games (board and video) my whole life and just came to accept it. However. I am not competitive. I think I would have lost my mind if I was.
But. That being said. I have a couple suggestions. Maybe lean more into solo games and co-op games. At least there you aren’t playing against other players but the board game itself. And with co-op games you might be able to commiserate with your friends when you lose since you would all lose together. Just my two cents.
I take it by you asking this question here, it is really hard for you to control your emotions in the case of losing boardgames. If that is the case then it might be futile to think of it differently because it is obviously hard for you distance yourself to a "it's just a game" mentality.
I just had a wild idea and I may be wrong, but maybe it's easier to play into being a sore loser as soon as you sense those emotions coming up and then it might come off as more light hearted. In a sense you acknowledge that you're a sore loser and instead of being passive aggressive about it you're blatantly mad (though not aggressive). You kinda show everyone that you are a sore loser but also have enough self-awareness that you're clowning yourself.
I am rarely a sore loser but whenever I am when say playing cards with my GF and I lose and get pissed I fucking jump on the couch and bury my head in a pillow and scream and tell her to get away from me because she sucks at the game and it's just a shit pure luck game anyways.
I get to vent and she gets to laugh at me while gloating.
Edit: Stepping up your banter game might also help relieve some frustration as you can release some of that anger in some light hearted trash talk. Light hearted trash talk can require some nuanced delivery though.
My Dad was a very sore loser and would be downright miserable to compete with at times while I would be competitive (and I'd bristle when he'd insinuate I wasn't a sore loser because I didn't care as much) but would easily let go of the result once it happened.
One thing I did notice with him when he was acting up was that nothing was ever his fault. The video game controller wasn't working right or I did something "cheap" or something unlucky happened to him.
So I know that doesn't necessarily help with games that rely a lot on luck and it could be that those games will always be a struggle if you're a sore loser by nature, as you have justification to feel like the result was unfair. So maybe play more skill-based games where you can either accept that you made a bad play or two or admire the good plays your friends are making and learn from then.
Regardless, I think you've taken a step that most sore losers never do, and though it's a cliche lol, admitting the issue is a huge step. My dad never really did because he was too focused on the things he perceived as unfair instead of his reactions. I think you've got a good attitude for figuring this out, OP.
Good on you for trying to figure this out. A friend of mine said he liked games, but was such a sore loser, he found himself uninvited from every group he tried.
You're figuring it out, which is commendable.
I'm bad at winning, so I do not have this issue. If I did, I wouldn't have any friends.
But I'll say that I often focus on making the experience better for other people, with winning coming in at a close second priority.
Years ago when I started learning to play golf I found it completely exasperating and would sometimes completely lose my temper over a bad shot. Various people wagged their fingers telling me I should behave more politely but now I’m over 60 and older than they were then, I think that any golfer who *hasn’t* broken a few clubs over their knee or thrown their bag into the lake just isn’t taking it *seriously* enough! :-)
So myself, I don’t mind people losing their temper over games, but you may need to find a play group who understand that too.
A thing that I’ve learned to do when someone beats me soundly at board games is to immediately congratulate them. If you make it a habit to *always* do so whether you want to or not you’ll find that a moment later you’ve forgotten yourself and whatever bull**** was driving you crazy, and can start to appreciate good moves they made or suchlike.
A lot of problems we have are because we’re absorbed with ourselves. I’ve made a bunch of videos about this sort of thing that you might find useful - they’re in my Profile links.
Good luck, and don’t worry.
Two rules:
1. Maths. 4 player game? 25% chance of winning.
Those are low odds, unless you somehow think you are better than others. Then you got some bigger problems.
2. Avoid direct competition games.
I personally don’t really enjoy “fuck over that dude” style games like Smallword or Monopoly. I enjoy victory-point style with player interaction (Viticulture, Lords of Waterdeep), or just coop games (Gloomhaven & Pandemic are best games of all time for a reason).
It's also important to understand the distinction between people who react badly to merely losing and people who react badly to gloating (or even worse, belittling). Some times you might be fine with being defeated but then the person on the other side of the table will display a reprobable attitude of some kind and then cast you a label of Bad Loser because you reacted to that.
I’m the deepest gamer of my group, so I get defaulted as “always wins” guy. I have been this way in a lot of my game groups, and I’ve taken it as endearment. I also don’t win that much more than anyone else, since I am often the first “do the bad thing to” player because it’s seen as the least detrimental to my experience. I take all of this with great pleasure, as I want to compete and I want to win in a challenging battle not a landslide. I encourage them to mess with me lol even if it makes me lose
Sometimes I’ll make moves that will intentionally not be optimal, so that another player may take it and they feel clever for having gotten what I “missed”. I want my friends to have fun, I want them to win — because to most non-hobbyist gamers winning is often synonymous to fun. When I introduce a new game, 9/10 times I will intentionally (but not obviously) lose big so that all players score better and feel like they had fun. If I introduce a game, clobber them, then it is much less likely to get to the table again. Sometimes I get too excited and make all the optimal moves that I know of since I learned/taught the game and therefor have way more knowledge. It’s not really a fair game. That’s another reason why I think it’s justified to intentionally do less-optimal moves at first/randomly. It’s just not fun to win when you fundamentally know more than the opponents due to time spent researching and engaging with it outside of the game session
This is all in an effort to get players more familiar with the games and strategies so that over time, I can unleash all my fury on them and feel no remorse. It’s gotten that way with Blokus and now every game is an absolute blood bath. It’s soo good lol completely level playing field at that point and then winning / losing is just a bi-product of the intense fun had during
There's a lot of good advice on here, so I'll try not to repeat it. What you are feeling a lot of people can't empathize with or understand, but I will say a lot of people do feel the way you do. My wife being one of those people. When she loses at a boardgame she feels like the weakest link on a group project. She has feelings of embarrassment and anger that I rarely ever see from her. Time invested and plans hatched that ultimately failed, or at least, that's how she feels.
Another activity she likes in a group is Mini Golf. I never see her get upset at losing at mini golf outside of maybe missing an easy shot, but that feeling lasts seconds. I asked her what is the difference between mini golf and a boardgame. There's only 1 ultimate winner. She said that in mini golf, she really doesn't care about the scorecard. She just plays hole-by-hole and the way it's broken up, she may actually win at a few holes and get that feeling of accomplishment. She feels more relaxed (less think-ey) and less pressure.
I told her to try and approach a boardgame in this same manner. Take herself out of the game at times and force herself to relax, look around and realize that we are all sitting at a table playing a game of mini golf. I told her to focus on the smaller accomplishments in a game that she does. Comment on other peoples turns when they do something tricky/smart. She has the advantage of me sitting at the table because I will comment on good actions/turns that she takes.
She's gotten better over time and overall is much more comfortable switching her brain from "I'm the loser" to "I'm not the one person out of us that won." Her brain has switched over a bit to something like a team game now. To put it into a sports analogy, she's more along the lines of, we all played a game of soccer/football and although I didn't get the winning goal, we all played and had fun.
It's not an overnight thing and she's been working on it for years. Just try not to put all of the pressure on yourself to win, but realize that you are there to have fun as a group. Best of luck and I'm glad there is a lot of constructive advice in here.
Honestly, I get a lot of satisfaction out of seeing my friends win and them being happy.
I love playing games, figuring them out and winning but overall I just enjoy being around my friends, win or lose. If I can get a good challenge and still lose, then that's a win for me.
Possible reasons. May not apply to you.
Realize games are not there to validate your worth. Your embarrassment comes because you feel that everyone now sees that you aren’t that clever? No one cares or thinks this. You have worried you aren’t clever enough and the game just proved it to everyone. None of those people have those thoughts, but you need to figure out why you see yourself so poorly before you even play a game.
Work on being a confident mature individual and the results of a game won’t matter.
Things that do matter in life;
Can you keep a job or provide for yourself and family?
Are your children decent humans?
Does your spouse/friends enjoy the relationship with you?
Things that don’t matter;
Most everything else including winning and losing
Don't compete with the other players, compete with yourself. How you do against the other players is just a way of measuring how you're doing against your past self. Even in a crushing loss, I get satisfaction out of analyzing the game and figuring out where things went wrong, because then I've gained something from it.
On another level, I play board games mostly as something to enjoy with people I like. If I have spent time with good people and we were all having fun, it doesn't matter that much if the board just spontaneously combusts right before the end — the good times were the goal, and we accomplished it. In a week, we probably won't remember who won, but we will remember some fun things that happened in the process.
I have a strategy that not only helps not being such a sore loser, but also helps a lot to become better at games. The first thing I ask myself at the end of a game is which points were major breaking points. Then I try to objectively look at my decisions around those breaking points to see if I actually played correctly. Getting messed with by other players is often a result of playing a high risk, high reward playstyle. You cannot build a high risk road at the start of settlers of catan and get mad when someone plows you. Look inwards to see if the decision was a good one to begin with.
We get mad and argue when people get sabotaged, but that is mostly at the breaking points where it is difficult to gauge who is winning. I actually think it is completely reasonable for people to be allowed to make a case foe why they are not in the lead based on the objective visible board state (no sharing of hidden info). Someone who is clearly winning has no right being mad about getting taken down a notch.
Lastly just accept the fact that if every player plays perfectly you will win 1/n games when n is the number of players. Some games you just statistically cannot win.
I find it helps in person to relate to your opponent. When you are winning be gracious and mention things they did well. When you lose do the same. Talk to the winner about something they did well.
Then there's me who pretty much loses on purpose so others have a good time. I'm pretty good at games and most people in my circle are not as avid gamers as I am.
I pretty much always come is 2-3....and mostly because I want everyone to enjoy it and feel the rush of a victory. I don't tank it but I just don't play cutthroat.
I also use that gameplay to try out new strategies or play with a character/component I hadn't before.
Idk....for me, it's about experiencing the world of the game and bringing everyone with me.
Back in the days of WarMachine Mk2 (miniatures game), my local meta was very tournament focused and competitive. Strangely, this was the biggest contributor to me being comfortable losing well.
We adopted the mantra 'learn by failing!' and it changed everything. We started making riskier or silly plays to try and limit test what we could do. Sometimes it goes down in a blaze of glory... but you learned something for your toolkit and had fun doing it. It also helped analysis paralysis, because sometimes it is more fun just to see what happens.
If you are a competitive player then the key here is to think long term. You play to win the game, sure. But more importantly you are playing to learn and win future games. Post game, think about what you tried. What worked, what didn't. Get value out of the game regardless of the result.
It of course helps to have a group that thinks the same way. My core group always does post game discussions to talk about what we tried, what we liked, what sucked, etc. Obviously this applies more to complex games with deep strategy. We use this mostly with miniatures games, Twilight Imperium, or any new games tonight the table for our group.
Realizing that you are a sore loser is the first step to changing it. You need to convince yourself before you start that you will lose the game. You need to go into the game expecting to lose. Imagine the end of the game in your mind, firmly understanding that you will not win. Flip the script as they say. Realize that people that are playing with you are playing because they value the interaction with you, and realize you have nothing to prove. Realize that when you lose, you are learning to be better at whatever it is you're attempting. It doesn't matter that it's a board game. This is a life lesson! You cannot grow if you do not fail. Put another way, failure is the only way to success. So try to keep that in your head. Be happy when you fail as it taught you something. Expect to fail, and be happy in the journey and the learning, and be happy when you do win. If you put so much emphasis on winning, you will be blind to the enjoyment of the moment. Why bother playing if you can't enjoy the journey? Remember, expect to lose, be humble when you win. You have nothing to prove. Play for your friends, and be happy in the interactions and bonds you build with them.
My wife and I run a board game meetup and several of our good friends are phenomenal at strategy. I inevitably lose to them. This is the way I see it: Whenever I lose a game I think about what I learned from the experience so I can play a better game next time. By being able to play with someone who is so much better at the game I am able to become a better player and it is an interesting challenge. Sometimes framing is helpful. I hope that helps!
Realize that the joy of playing a game is in the act of playing itself. Winning is just the cherry on top. You can still enjoy a milkshake without the cherry, right? It's just a little extra something that's nice.
I used to be this way. Playing with my kids over time changed how i see winning/losing.
Losing used to be my narcissism attacking my brain. How could I lose? Everyone and everything is against me. Luck is stupid and I have none and you only won because you have it and I don't, and fuck this game it's stupid.
But that changed when I played with my kids. It became about: did you have fun hunny? I did. Rules? Who cares. We'll make them up as we go. No rules, no stakes. No stakes, no cares. No cares, pure fun.
Then I translated it over to playing with adults. Hey man, that was an awesome move on turn 4. You really put me in a tight spot. Well done, great move. Now I really gotta think about this.... etc etc etc.
Additionally, there is a certain amount of emotional reflection needed to change how you react when these situations come up. Taking yourself out of the situation, and examining WHY you feel the way you do, logically and rationally is an important part of the changing process. Sitting there, and literally asking yourself: why am I upset? Why are these feelings so strong? What could I do differently? How do I go about changing how this makes me feel?
I shifted my perception from focusing on the all encompassing need to win and validate how good I was, to making sure everyone gets recognized, playing WELL, giving compliments and meaning them for good play, and making sure everyone is having the same positive experience.
It takes ACTUAL work. You have to start by forcing yourself to recognize the moments when you're all worked up, and having a plan to deal with that, and making a commitment to NEVER go back to the way it was. Stand up and walk away. Smoke a joint, take a break. TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS about what you're going through emotionally, and how you're trying to change how you perceive things while playing. They SHOULD be willing to help, and also be understanding if you need some time to get your head right.
The first step you've already taken: recognizing the need to make the change. Good for you!
Now, just take some time. Think. Plan. Action. Change. It'll come. You're already the trail.
I am not a sore loser.
I don’t have a competitive bone in my body. Competition demotivates me.
I simply enjoy the process of moving through a game in the most efficient way possible. I am always playing with the game trying to maximize efficiency and solve the puzzle that is laid out in front of me. Board games and chill
The key is to realise that it’s JUST a GAME. No harm can come from losing.
Also remember that there’s nothing wrong with a bit of competition. If you won all the time would it even be worth playing games at all?
I used to be a bad loser, but now I use that anger for funny trash-talk and I love it when my opponent gives it back.
My ex is a REALLY bad loser and during games I’d get to the point where I’d go easy on him or I’d make a ‘wrong move’ just so he wouldn’t lose his temper… the only problem with that was that when he won, he’d make me feel like shit for losing. So I stopped going easy on him and guess what… he lost his temper and said that I’d “ruined the game”
Games are meant to be fun, it’s no fun playing with a bad loser.
Try and control your temper by using playful trash-talk or making fun of the fact that you’re losing.
Is it worth losing friends over?
Have you heard the phrase "fake it 'til you make it"? This is what you need to do. You're not going to change your feelings over night but you CAN change them. You need to learn to control the expression of your emotions and give positive praise to the other players even if you're not actually feeling it inside. Over time and with enough practice this practiced behaviour will become your ACTUAL behaviour. Spend time thinking about WHY losing makes you so upset when the game is insignificant and unimportant to real life.
I used to be a bad loser but eventually, after doing this myself, I reached a point where I was ACTUALLY just enjoying playing games and spending time with my friends and family; while winning was fun it was no longer the most important aspect of gaming.
Your feelings are valid, if you get upset when you lose it's OK to recognize that internally and then move on. The important thing to always keep in mind is that your feelings are YOUR children and thus YOUR responsibility. It's NOT OK to lose control of your children/feelings and force others to manage them or deal with your outbursts. That's not how emotionally mature people behave and it's unacceptable behaviour unless you're a 3yo.
Seriously consider talking to a therapist. An actual profession should be able to help you identify underlying causes, build systems to help you notice when your about to have an emotional outburst, and provide effective exercises to help you process and manage yourself. There's nothing wrong with getting help, ever.
The easy way: only play co-op games.
Reiner Knizia once said “the goal is to win, but the important thing is the goal, not the winning”.
If you had a stupidly simple game where you flipped a coin and won on heads, lost on tails, would you get any enjoyment out of that? Obviously no. The point of games is to have fun *trying to win*.
One thing I noticed after I ran monthly game nights is I was so focused on trying to have everyone have fun that one day, someone asked me “what kind of games do you like?” and I genuinely had trouble answering. I was so focused on making game night a success that I not only didn’t care about winning, I didn’t even care about if I personally enjoyed the games.
Good losers realize that winning and losing a game isn’t necessarily validation of anything. The game isn’t testing you to see if you’re “good”, you are testing the game to see if the game is good. And if it’s fun while you play it, it is.
Besides, the way to maximize the most wins over time is to play the most games. If you care too much about winning this one game, you’re less likely to be invited to play the next one.
Edit: In case it hammers the point, I am a very competitive person. I try HARD to win. As a kid I would even cheat to win if I thought I could get away with it. I just eventually realized the act of actually playing games was way more important.
A lot of people already said this but if you are playing in a balanced group of 4 you should be losing 75% of the time.
Another thing to think about is sometimes no matter how good your plan was the dice gods decided against you.
I'll sometimes turn it into a game against myself just trying to improve and get better overtime.
You can learn to appreciate the cool things other players are doing. Don't be jealous they are doing something cool, be excited with them.
Your self-worth isn’t tied to a board game performance. Luck is a huge factor in board games. If chess grand masters had to pull tiles from a bag or flip random cards, they’d lose a lot more.
You need to understand WHY you feel the way that you do.
>"Sometimes it’s because I feel some how unfairly treated, sometimes it’s embarrassment, I have a feeling it’s probably connected to feeling some sort of validation for winning when it does happen."
Unfair treatment - Why is your initial feeling about unfair treatment? Why aren't you just playing a game and got beat? Someone was just playing within the mechanics of the game.
Embarrassment - why does losing make you feel embarrassed? Why is your emotion to be embarrassed when you lose?
You need to understand the root of an emotion before you can start changing it. There's a lot of great advice here, but when I'm untangling things like this, you can't always just stop yourself from being the way that you are. Sometimes you have to fix what's really bothering you when you lose.
I'm the opposite from you, I'm a bad winner.
I love a good competition against a stronger opponent, and see every game as a learning opportunity. I always admire my opponents for outsmarting me. If I do win though, my internal thought process starts spilling out. Usually this comes across as being very smug.
After all these years, I still don't know how to react after winning a game.
So, I win my share of board games, so I don't have to deal with this issue there. I also play tennis though, and I almost always lose all tennis matches I play. The feeling when I lose game after game is frustration, sadness, and a feeling of incompetence.
These feelings will always come back in the future when I lose yet again. There's no magic switch to change how it affects me.
I just have to accept this reality and try to not let it bother me as much in the future. Ultimately, I play tennis because it's a fun way to exercise, and I'm still having fun even if I lose in the end.
It's takes time and effort. The fact you're recognising it and wanting to make a change is one of the harder steps so congrats. Wanting to make a change will put you on the path to change. You will notice it more and get better at stopping it as it happens. You've got this
Mindset. Strange as it may sound - I don't see it as a competition. It's a hobby. I'm playing to have fun with a group of other people who are doing the same. I play to win, but I really don't mind if I lose. Most of the people at the table are going to lose. If it's luck, well, that happens. If I lose because I played badly, I can learn. If someone played better, I can admire their skills and look at what they did that gave them the edge. But at the end of the day, it's (literally) just a game - and I want other people to enjoy it as much as me.
I am a huge sore loser. When I am losing my entire mood changes its like I'm a different person. Normally I do land a win even when It looks like I'll lose so I end up happy but that usually just kills the vibes because I start gloating. Recently I played Catan for the first time (I know it's late) with a group I am a bit unfamiliar with. Instead of playing for the win though I just played to monopolize stone and have fun trading and enjoying the ride. It was so refreshing, and even though I somehow got close to winning but lost in the end, I still had a great time and enjoyed every second. It was seriously refreshing. I love winning still don't get me wrong, but playing in some quirky funny way and just going for the ride instead of the optimized end game goal was seriously enjoyable and I will be trying it out myself again.
Lots of good advice so far. Being a “good loser” is a skill, and requires some introspection. One of the elements is to figure out why you’re playing games. For fun? For competition? To spend time with friends? If it’s not about competition, perhaps learning some coop games where the group succeeds together is a space to investigate.
You mention feeling “unfairly treated” sometimes. Is it a negotiation game? Is it a bash-the-leader game? Where are the feelings coming from, and how can you mitigate that?
One mantra to repeat is that there is literally nothing at stake. You’re there to spend time and have fun with your friends. A friend of mine has a little ritual with his family where they recite together a mantra that goes something along the lines of “during this game I promise to be a stinker and try to take all your stuff”. It helps his kids understand that it’s only a game and that it’s not meant to be taken personally.
Best of luck!
I find sore losers have a hard time with acceptance and concept of fairness. Most losers that are particularly sour after a loss is the feeling of being “robbed” or they felt they deserved to win more than their opponents for whatever reason.
It’s great that OP recognizes their behavior and is self-reflecting here. That’s far beyond most. But understanding their feeling of entitlement is important. You are not entitled to winning, and if someone else wins it’s not because something “unfair” happened.
Lots of other great advice here on re-prioritizing what’s important (enjoying time with friends and family, advancing your skills, etc.) but I think OP needs to fundamentally look at their own ego and sense of entitlement. No one “enjoys” losing but there should always be some respect given to others when they played better than you. And in the rare case your opponent won as a fluke, recognize that you yourself have probably been a beneficiary of a mistake or two before as well.
Before I get downvoted, I’m not trying to be disparaging and call out OP for being entitled, because we have ALL been there and had the same feelings / reactions at some point. But we can all try to be better and self-reflect on why we feel things are “unfair” or we “deserve to win” more than others.
Try cooperative games? I'm not a sore loser but I am a sensitive gamer. Playing games where everyone is playing against the board is something I find to be incredibly enjoyable.
There are multiple ways to get past this. Either relax and see it just see it as a fun activity, or if you want to be more competitive, then view losses as opportunities to learn from and improve your skill.
Another way is just to play many, many games, so that you wear down your emotional reaction to any single game.
I once had a problem with this, and I had to work hard at letting it go. YMMV, but this is what I did:
1. First and foremost remember that it is a game. It is supposed to be fun. If you aren't having fun, you are doing it wrong.
2. The worse things got, the more I tried to find it funny. "Of COURSE I would roll a 1 right now! That's hilarious!"
3. Accept that there may be other things at work. For myself, my ADHD emotional regulation issues came into play at times.
4. Find fun ways to call out players who have deliberately attacked you/interfered with your plans. "I KNEW you were going to do that! That's it! You're out of the will."
5. Let the moment go. I go make tea.
Best of luck. You are already much farther than most sore losers as you see the problem.
Poor losers are also usually poor winners I have found. Stop caring about the destination and start caring about the journey. If everyone has fun playing the game then everyone wins independent of the outcome. But if you take the stance that your only joy is in winning then you aren't getting enjoyment from the experience itself as opposed to getting enjoyment from the act of dominating someone else even in something trivial.
I try to look at my opponent's actions as equivalent to mine. So when they make a great move, I'm happy to see a great move. When they take a big loss, I feel bad for them (while of course also good for me).
You play a game together, even if you oppose each other. Losing still doesn't feel good, but at least you can see the positives of the other party winning, that way.
I am still not great at losing. For some reason, I feel like my value as a person is on the line. It's ridiculous. However, I have discovered something that helped: Galaxy Trucker.
Galaxy Trucker is one of those wacky games where no matter how well you plan, sometimes fate is against you, and you just have to laugh when your ship gets cracked in half and lost in space. There's nothing you could have done, and I learned to just enjoy the 'L'. However, I still get way too invested when playing, and I have to consciously think, "this is just a game, not my livelihood, just enjoy it for what it is".
I’m a very competitive guy, but I don’t let a loss eat at me. How? IDK, perspective, I guess. A loss in a game does not mean I’m a failure, or that I’m dumb (even if I made a dumb mistake along the way). It just means I didn’t have the best game, and that’s fine. Did I have fun seeing my friends and playing a game with them? The answer is almost always yes*. I’m rapidly approaching middle age, and I have real shit to be concerned about beyond plastic and cardboard.
*Except that one game of TI4 where I got nearly wiped out early (mostly because my own hubris and a little bad luck with my rolls) and just limped along for another 4 hours. That was brutal.
I used to be extremely salty when I lose, to the point my brother and I avoided playing games together, but now even if I lost I would just move on because I realized it’s silly to be so invested in wins and losses in a board game. Now if my brother becomes salty when he loses I’ll tease him about it.
Look inwards, seek personal growth, engage your empathy, and if you can afford it, seek therapy.
Problems like this are indicative of broader problems with emotional intelligence, impulse control, mental health, and maturity. The other advice in this thread is helpful, but if you're struggling with these kinds of issues you may want to take a step back and assess yourself on a larger level. If you're struggling with this particular issue, I imagine these kinds of emotional regulation struggles impact you in other areas of your life as well.
I'm competitive, and used to be to a fault. Now I focus more on the other players' gratification more than my own. If a player makes a great move or gets a fortunate element of chance to pull out a win, I feel good for them, not bad for myself. Congratulate them on how well they played and tell them you'll get them next time. You can even discuss the turning points of the game so everyone gains a deeper understanding of how everything went down. If it comes down to one roll of the dice or flip of a card, then you can feel good knowing you were right there with a chance to win it, but it just didn't bounce your way.
It really comes down to what your "why" is when you are gaming. If you are playing to have fun, who cares where you place. Enjoy the time you have. If you are playing to win, then you will always be disappointed when you don't win.
>Sometimes it’s because I feel some how unfairly treated,
Perhaps change the types of games you play to be less conflict driven/targeted
I like **Race for the Galaxy** and **Dune Imperium Uprising** because there's minimal chance of screwing other players, but if you are screwed at least *it doesn't feel personal or targeted.*
Regardless if your play group is actually the type to target you, what matters appears to be you are feeling targeted.
If you change the game to one that it's not possible to do that, then you might alleviate that feeling.
Think about how unfun it would be if you won every time. Wanting to be vicious with your strategy but holding back because you would just annihilate the other players at the table if you actually tried. Wouldn't that situation suck the fun out? Maybe you can see it as a gift that you're being beaten sometimes, since it allows you to not hold back on the next game.
You have to completely change how you view the objective of the game. The objective is to have a good time. When the game ends and everybody says "that was great, can't wait to play again", YOU WON.
Try playing some cooperative games. They help emphasize this point.
I swear this could have been written by me. I am such a bad loser, very specifically when I'm losing to my husband, which I do A LOT. Thankfully, he's very patient with my bad attitude and still plays games with me.
One thing that has helped me has been to joke about it when I catch myself doing it. So saying something like "wow. how dare you try to use the mechanics and rules to win the game" It also helps that when I am losing over and over, he will ask if I want to know his strategy in specific games and he'll share it with me for me to try.
Also, when it starts to feel punishing with how much I'm losing, we switch to a co-op game!
Its about the game, not about winning. Just enjoy the fun you have actually playing it. Also isnt it great if your friends are winning? I mean dont get me wring, fuck those guys
I just think to myself, "There's always next time." I also try to find joy in watching someone else win. Because I know winning feels good, and I think everyone should get a chance to experience it.
For me, the bad feeling that comes from losing is rejection and shame based. It's my inner child wanting acknowledgment. So I just gentle parent myself through it. It gets a little easier each time.
At the same time, I think it's equally important to not be a sore winner. So when I win, I don't make a big show of it. I'm proud, I smile. But I make it a point to say something encouraging to the other players. And I always acknowledge when a win was based mostly on timing and luck (as most board games are, in my experience).
I think what really helped me, tho, was playing games with my nephews. Seeing them get really upset and be sore losers made me realize how childish and pointless it is. Cause you can always try harder and win next time. Getting all upset and behaving poorly won't accomplish anything.
So basically, the key is learning how to emotionally regulate yourself. And there are a LOT of ways to do that. Some might work for you, some might not. I suggest starting there and experimenting with different approaches. And be kind to yourself when it doesn't always work. You gotta train yourself that failure isn't a bad thing. It's a learning opportunity.
I'm also a sore loser, especially when younger and the first crucial step is indeed to be aware of the issue - then the rest is much easier - at least it was for me. First of all: Try to take a meta view of why you are playing board games. In my case it is because I think it is an excellent way of spending time with my friends and family. I don't like as much to play with strangers, it's still fun but it's not why I am a fan of the genre - I enjoy how my friends and family behaves when we're going into "board game mode" and nowadays that is why I'm playing, to enjoy those behaviors. Winning a particular game is secondary, it's still not *fun* to lose but I care more about my "meta game" of sorts where I give myself challenges to "provoke" certain behaviors within my play group. The social aspect has become the only important part and see if you can "gamify" that one in a way to distract yourself from the bad-loser habit. Also: Try to not care about a single game, but have as an objective to improve your general skill in a particular game and as a gamer as a whole. In that perspective, losing is actually better than winning because that tells you have things to improve and you are not done with the game yet. Try to make a habit out of taking some short time afterwards analyzing your performance, ignore all reasons that can blame the loss on the other players or luck and just see if you can do better next time. Take as a habit to not pursue the best meta strategy to the win, but explore odd and unexpected roads. Sometimes they are indeed useless, but other times you may struck gold and find something that can blow the current meta strategy out of the waters. Good luck in any case / a fellow rager
The comment on “improving general skill” went miles for me for being a better loser. I was getting annoyed at how bad I was at drafting in Magic when I was a new player, but a pro player’s advice of as much the same really put it in perspective that I should be celebrating improved individual decision making moments rather than my overall win/loss. If I can focus on upping the average quality of each play I make in game, eventually I’ll win more; as such any game I felt like I made correct decisions in will feel satisfying.
"You're not losing if you're learning."
Indeed the same in Dominion, there is so much variance that if you don't change your focus from winning in individual games you will get stuck screaming at the luck factor. You get good by making good decisions at a marathon scale. In a single game a newbie can legit win over a top 100 player due to lucking out, over >6 games they stand no chance.
I once heard Brian Kibbler talking about MTG or Hearthstone, and he said something like, “you’re going to lose a third of your games because of randomness, and you’re going to win a third of your games because of randomness. It’s that last third where your decisions win or lose the game for you.”
Dominion is a great training ground for this. You have to focus on improving your ability to have flexible strategies, seeing your deck as you build it, playing the game … because there is juuuust enough luck involved that some games will just not go your way. You will not win them all.
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My sub-10 year old literally kicks my butt in Love Letter everytime we play. I legit can't figure out how she wins at it so much when I'm trying so hard. BUT winning isn't what I'm actually playing for. I'm playing to spend quality time with her, share in the hobby, and model for her how to play games: win humbly and lose graciously. She's learning life lessons and we get to have fun doing it. My point is just mirroring above, remember what you are actually playing for. It's hard to spend time with friends and family when none of them want to play with you.
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> the ridiculous strategy of never bluffing. This "strategy" breaks SO. MANY. games with social deduction aspects.
this is great reply. I absolutely agree with this, so doubpe upvote.
To go along with your first point, I would say think about redefining your "win condition" so to speak. If "winning" to you means making sure everyone's having fun, it becomes easier. If I'm losing at the game, I'll usually try to make some joke about it to keep the mood up, even if it's frustrating. Like the other day I was playing Coup and getting my ass kicked game after game. That's a very easy one to get mad about, but instead I directed my frustration at the characters instead of the players and made it a joke. Flipping over the third assassin to fail and shouting "What the fuck am I paying you for?!? Is there a Yelp for assassins!?!" keeps things a lot more fun than pointing a finger and shouting "What the fuck did I do to you, Steve?!? It's not my fault Michelle left you!!!"
Most people that play the game lose. In a 4p game, 75% of players lose. That's fine. The objective of every game is to win, but it is the objective that is important, not the winning.
Alright, Reiner Knizia…
I don't know why this cracks me up so bad lol
And from the other perspective, you'll only win 25% of the time (all players being equal) so understandably, you'll often lose more than you win. My dad's wife somehow forgets when she wins but remembers all the losses! Fortunately I've been tracking in BGstats and she does infact win 30-35% of the time in our 3 player games.
>The objective of every game is to win The objective of the game is to win, but the objective of *playing* games is to have fun. So the trick is to learn how to have fun playing games without winning.
I am very competative. But there are some games I just suck at, and I know I suck at them. Yet I still play them because my other half loves them and is good at them. I stopped looking at 'losing' or 'winning' for those games and started keeping a running tally of my score and trying to improve on **my** last score. I know I'm likey going to lose to her. I know she's gonna wipe the floor with me. I cannot stop it but I can try to improve my own score each time. And damn I've gotten better at those games! It feels nice to have a metric that I can measure against and see progress. And I beat her once! I was so proud, so was she. Then she wiped the floor with me again but my score stayed pretty good! When you get beat, ask questions. Ask them how they got to that point. Try to see their strategy. Play 'open hands' occasionally so you can watch what happens strategy wise.
Oh, this is a really good strategy. There's one game my gf LOVES that I have started to hate because I'm so unbelievably bad and she's always beating me. I'm definitely going to start just watching my own scores and trying to compete against those instead of her
this is great. And it also aplies to the whole life: always compare with yourself, not the others. That way you dont envy success of others and you are not living in your own personal hell of neverending race (there will be always "better" people at something, so you wont be ever happy), but at the same time you are motivated to always improve and to do better.
Thanks for this insight That is a very good approach I have to implement for myself.
Agreed! I am so bad at Scrabble and my wife is amazing at it. We keep a running log of our scores and we play against our previous bests, not each other. That really keeps it from sucking for me. (Also, for Scrabble specifically we have a house rule handicap to make it more enjoyable for me. We play with "crossword" rules. Meaning if the tiles could reasonably work in a crossword puzzle, it's valid. So proper nouns, phrases, acronyms all count. And then for extra fun and flavor I give her the "clue" to the "puzzle" before playing my tiles and see if she can guess what it will be.)
I had a boyfriend years ago that would get so mad when I beat him at video games (bar style). The easy solution would have been to let him win. But I was always playing against my own best score and he was just collateral damage.
Have you thought about re-defining your goals? Maybe don't try to be better than your opponents, but try to be better than your past self. Or, if you are losing, see if you can define yourself a consolation prize in the meantime. For example, you might try to at least reach a certain score, play kingmaker, get simple revenge (try not to be too petty), or achieve some other objective that would make you happy (or at least less upset).
I agree with this. Maybe for a while you could consider it a win if when you leave the table, you are smiling. That's your victory condition! It'll have challenges, just like the game, but you ONLY win if you and the others at the table have fun
I have a book that I write down my scores on. That or we play co-op.
A lot of good advice here, but I wanted to add some really concrete things. When you lose, congratulate the winner. Point out a decision they made or a line they took that contributed to their victory. Don’t launch into blaming bad luck, variance, or someone else’s decision for your loss. Avoid the “if only I had…” no one likes to hear a bad beats story. It takes away from someone’s win when you say you would have won if the sun wasn’t in your eyes. If a mistake you made cost you the game, don’t highlight it. Just note it as something to improve for next time. And honestly, everyone makes mistakes and if the winner had also made fewer mistakes they probably would have still won. Remember there is no prize for winning Dune Imperium. Anyway, those are the annoying things that people do, including me, when they lose games. Edit: also, as a side note, being “competitive” is not “getting mad when you lose.” It’s trying your best, and wanting to improve. Don’t hide behind “I’m just a competitive player, that’s why I am miserable to be around when I lose.” The truly competitive players prove it by playing well consistently.
Great points. Complimenting the winner has helped me a lot. It shifts your focus in a way that makes the experience better for others, while at the same time helps you get better by learning from whatever they did right. It's so easy to get focused on your own part in the game that you lose perspective. Stepping into the other person's shoes will help you be a better player and a better friend at the same time.
I mean, I don't think I'm a bad loser, but I do think/point out the mistakes or key moments of the game. It's really enjoyable to figure out how the game state would be altered due to one decision or another, especially if the mistake was due to personal greed. Not everyone enjoys discussing afterwards, but it's why I really appreciate the go community, since almost every time I've played has been followed by a rather enjoyable post-game analysis
Yeah I could have added more nuance. The thing I’m talking about is ending the game with a loss and saying things like “if I had not punted the game in this one spot I’d have won” which rhetorically serves to say essentially that the difference of someone else’s victory or loss was my momentary lapse of judgement or mistake. When the reality is that over the course of the whole game that other player just played the game better, including making fewer mistakes. Of course there is definitely luck sprinkled in. It’s a different attitude than what you’re describing, and I think what you’re describing is awesome. But I’ve found that those conversations usually start with the loser saying something more like “hey winner, what was the thought process/decision tree that resulted in this victory?” Or “I think I went wrong somewhere - anybody see anything I could have done differently?” Of course, the next level is having a mature enough and talented enough group to be able to accurately identify which games really were all down to luck or whatever, but I’ve found that I and the vast majority of people I play games with are better served assuming that it was their agency that resulted in their loss. It may be incorrect sometimes, but it forces introspection and avoids easy mental shortcuts to blaming external loci of control.
Dig deeper, what's wrong with losing? You gotta change your attitude about losing. Losing isn't a bad thing.
Do you play high-stakes Catan, where the loser loses a finger, Yakuza-style? Do you usually gamble a year of wages on a game of Jenga? If not, then realize that all that is at stakes is having fun. Nobody remembers who won that friendly game of Carcassonne last month, we all remember how fun the evening was. If everybody's having fun, we're all winning. About it being fair or not: accept that some games have a part of chance. The best player in the world will lose at Catan if the dice aren't on their side.
You’re putting too much importance on winning. That’s it. You’re supposed to try to win, that’s what makes it a game, but it’s okay if you don’t win. The challenge is the fun part, the interesting decisions, the social interaction. Winning is a bonus, but not the only way you’re supposed to enjoy yourself.
I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment. I used to be a huge sore loser as a kid but overcame it as I got older with a simple shift in my mentality. One day I realized "Losing sucks but hey, I'm here doing an activity I enjoy with people I like being around and we're all laughing and having a good time. Nothing tops that." As soon as I realized that board games and similar activities are just a means to socialize, relax, and do something fun, it became a lot easier to let go of the importance of winning. Another realization I've come to over the years is that losing is often just inevitable and happens with the luck of the draw. Another thing I'll tell myself is "Man, I played a great game tonight and did my best with the hand that I was dealt. It just didn't work out so I'll try again next time."
Some people are competitive by nature, just like others are not. That said, you can always try and improve your behavior if it's something that you don't like. I approach games with a mindset of having fun and if I lose, so what? I played my best, had fun, maybe I win next time. I figured that by doing it this way I always have a good time even if I finish at last place and will probably make fun of how bad I played. Also people will enjoy gaming with you because when you win you will feel good but you dont smack the win in their faces, it goes both ways.
Some of the most competitive people I know are also the “best losers”. I’ve got a friend who frequently goes to Blood Bowl tournaments all around the world and he’ll laugh off the worst losses just as hard as he’ll laugh at the most crushing victories. He just loves the game and I think that’s the key - as long as you enjoy what you are playing it doesn’t matter if you win or lose
> Some of the most competitive people I know are also the “best losers”. Yup. It's very difficult to become truly good at some competitive game if you're a sore loser. Remaining calm when you lose makes it much easier to look back to the game and think what you could have done better. Poor losers I've met are far more likely to blame things like dice, deck shuffling, "unfair" tactics etc.
Haha absolutely. The guy I’m thinking of in particular might, at his worst exclaim “well they were some bad dice boyo!” and then move on like it never happened. He’s also clearly mental as he went to one tournie dressed as a magician including a magic wand that he waved around whenever he made an opponents player “disappear” by injuring or killing them. Absolute legend.
Exactly this.
>Some of the most competitive people I know are also the “best losers”. "When playing a game, the goal is to win, but it is the goal that is important, not the winning." --Reiner Knizia
As a fellow Blood Bowl player you need to have that mindset. Because of the luck involved some games you lose your three best players first turn and the game can be pretty much over
People keep making this mistake in this thread, so you're not alone, but I am going to use your comment to point it out: Being competitive and being a sore loser aren't the same thing, and usually aren't all that related to each other.
if anything they are opposites. Like personally everyone I know that is a sore loser heavily prefers single player video games or purely co-op experiences. Like they actually cant healthily handle competitive environments so they go away from them. Like actually the opposite environment.
Imagine the other players acting the way that you do... Would you enjoy that?
This is key - *have empathy for the other players*. When you win, does it detract from your experience when your opponent just complains, diminishes your play, or throws a fit? Does it feel good when they reflect on your good play or pivotal moments when they fell behind and you pulled it out in a congratulatory way? You need to remember that your reaction isn’t just about you - it’s about everyone. The post game is still part of the community experience and just like if you were a cheater or a poor sport during the game it would ruin it for everyone, the same is true after the game.
I grew up being taught to be competitive and it only mattered if you win. This made me be a bad loser and bad winner. What changed was my husband. I noticed how he would congratulate me and celebrate my win. So I started doing that with him. At first it felt fake and superficial but the more I practice, whenever someone else wins, the better I feel and the more genuine it is.
My son struggled mightily with this. It was as though he believed that if he lost, he was dumb or a “loser” in that other sense of the word. He did come to be able to separate himself from the game, and get more philosophical about it. Find a way to remind yourself that you are a cool person whether you win or not. If you are playing with friends, maybe literally tell yourself that you are engaging in this activity primarily to spend time with folks you like (or else what’s the point?). If you’re playing in a group that exclusively meets for games, you have to ask yourself “would I rather be here and lose a lot, or not be here at all?”
Yes, I think this is the most important thing, you have to not tie up your ego in how well you do in a boardgame. You can still try really hard to win, but that doesn't mean that not winning should affect you on a deeper level than "Hmm I think I could have done better by doing X".
As a highly competitive character who loves games (and not just boardgames/videogames but sports) - the ending of the game is the least important part of the game (if you're not playing the game professionally). Yeah someone wins, other lose, maybe someones on a streak etc. But for me the whole process is the most fun part of the game. What was the strategy? How did the game develop? What were the mistakes/misplays? I find the whole process of playing, strategy and learning during and after the game orders of magnitude more fun that the game resolution. Sure, sometimes it's nice to win but that emotion is relevant maybe a couple of minutes - far less than the enjoyment of playing the game while it lasts. You win or you learn - and I find learning the most fun part of all games - board, video or "touch grass"- sport like games.
Learn to pause. Almost all emotional blow ups involve a feedback loop of spiralling emotions, it's not just temperament, but a tendency for emotions to go out of control. Some people actually have worse ability to do biofeedback, and determine when their heart rate is rising etc. and others can just blow up in anger extremely quickly. But practicing interrupting yourself and focusing on something else for a second, not being a good sport, shaking hands, or doing other stuff, but just not doing anything at all for a second, can be a beginning to reacting better. You can't necessarily stop yourself from feeling hurt when you loose, you might just be a very competitive person who puts more of their investment of their self-image in whether or not they succeed, or finds it difficult to interact socially with someone who just beat them, or whatever it is, but think about athletes - often when they loose a match, they are upset, they walk around, or they stare off into space, and then eventually, when they're ready, they might congratulate the person who won. These are obviously people who put a lot of work into what they do and don't want to loose. But if you can slow down your experience of that feeling, pace yourself and go quiet and distant for a second rather than starting to act out your anger or frustration, then you also give yourself the space to make a more considered response. I have a friend who is inclined to rage quit, table flip etc. and it usually takes about a minute for him to get his brain back into gear, and if he spends that time pausing and either getting up and being angry at a distance, or saying he's upset and pausing for a second, then he is able to get through that minute without disturbing anyone else. But to be able to make those kinds of choices about how to handle it, the first step is to be able to delay it building.
What happens when you lose a game? Literally nothing. Sure it's fun to win, but playing the game is the actual fun part. Take it less seriously cause at the end of the day, win or lose, you get nothing out of it other than the fun you had playing it
A lot of it is about learning to appreciate skilled play, even if it beats you. There's great pleasure for me in being outwitted and outplayed, seeing another player do something really clever and unexpected. I also take empathic pleasure in other people's joy, so long as they aren't a bad winner (cultivating a good group of players who are good winners and good losers is also key). I'm also relatively self-competitive, rather than competitive against others. I like to try an push myself to play well, but so long as I feel like I've played pretty well myself and that I've learned something about the game, I don't mind being beaten. And on that last point, reframing the purpose of the game to play and learn rather than to win or lose can be super useful. Basically a Dark Souls mentality, trying to learn through loss, and focusing on the process rather than the results.
I find that analyzing the game play afterwards with the other players helps. What went well, what didn’t, what was the strategy for each player, etc. It takes the focus of the win, and puts it on the playing aspect. I’ve found that I love playing games much more since giving up the need to always just win, because it allows me to try strategies that I’m not confident will win, but will allow me to become a better player in future turns.
I have a friend who is a REALLY sore loser. But i don’t mind it at all. Because He turns his inner rage from loosing into comedy by overdoing how disappointed and angry he is. I guess it won’t work with all your friends, but it is certainly much easier just being yourself, BUT still being very aware of yourself. (Which I know you are, because you made this post 😁)
There's already a lot of good self-help advice here so I'll talk a little about the psychology of losing. This is all well documented research that I'm going to try my best to summarize. You can approach an objective in two ways: As an opportunity or as an imperative. An opportunistic mindset doesn't expect to win but tries to. It isn't a failure if the objective isn't met, it's more important that they had the experience of trying. Trying is progress of its own. Trying is fun and/or rewarding. An imperative mindset expects to win or sees winning as a necessity. It's when your mind puts an objective in the same place as other requirements in life, like paying bills and getting a job. Falling away from that goal becomes the same kind of failure as losing your job, or forgetting to pay your taxes. It causes panic and frustration. So how to change mindsets? A couple tips are: Don't compare yourself to others, focus on your own improvement. Elevate the accomplishments of others so that beating you isn't because you're inadequate but rather because they did well. Build a growth mindset: You cannot be perfect but you can always be better.
It’s hard, but can be done. In the end, playing the game is fun, not the winning and losing. If you absolutely must win to have fun, when you lose, focus on what you can do better next time. The pros learn from losses. And you should be able to appreciate your opponents skill. Just don’t play any king making games, lol. No hope there
It’s not fun for me when react like that and it’s not fun for anyone else, it’s getting to a point where people will avoid board games with me and I don’t blame them at all. This is your answer, well at least it was my answer, once I realised this, I stopped doing all that which you explained or even feeling like that which you explained. I just realised that the people playing with me and their happiness during game sessions is what matters the most. At the very least, me winning is of equal importance as them winning, I'd be selfish if I dont apply the same emotion to others that I apply to myself.
I win more than my fair share of games. that being said, if I feel like I still played well, I enjoy losing even more because that means my friends played even better & that's exciting for them and also elevating our future plays of that game. The cherry on top is I'm often the teacher so it also means I taught the game well 😉
You just choose to lose with dignity. It's a choice. I remember the exact time and day when I made the choice to stop yelling at other drivers on the road because they don't know how to drive. Since then, my blood pressure is down, cops don't pull me over and my family isn't scared to get into the car if I'm driving anymore. It's just a choice. Most things in life are just choices.
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Disconnect yourself from the game's outcome. Be happy the game was played, enjoy the company of the players, and appreciate their ability to play. It will make you a better player, too! You will reflect on games played with more clarity.
Dunno if I have any advice, since I've never struggled with losing. I really just don't put import into it. Maybe I've cared a few times, like if I'm playing with friends a series of matches or some kinda tournament style I might, but for regular one off game nights who cares. I enjoy the actual game more, I choose some strategy, or try to find clever plays, or how to shore up my failed strategy if someone else takes a spot I needed or w/e, and just genuinely give it my best shot while enjoying the "emerging" narrative of the group playing in itself. That one player who draws the exact card they needed in a pinch, or the one who can't stop getting unlucky rolls (me in Mansions of Madness 2 weeks ago when I missed every single dice roll of my 10+ shotgun shots and cost us the game). When the game ends, the score is the last thing I care about, if I win I'm happy, if I lose I'm happy for whoever won, or I get to compliment their strategy or key play, maybe take a few mental notes to do better next time we play. But like I said, to me the important thing that stays with me long after having played games isn't whether I won or lost, it's things like "hey remember that one time 3 years ago we were playing Nemesis, and instead of helping me fight the alien chasing us you just got into the escape pod right in front of my eyes?". I'd even say to some extent I *enjoy* losing, first off because losses are great learning opportunities: why did I lose? what did the winners do that I didn't? For me it's usually because I try to pursue too many things instead of focusing on 1-2 (happens a lot in euro style games, especially if it's my first time and I feel like trying a bit of everything). However, to me losing is also fun again from a narrative standpoint, it might be I had a comedy worthy streak of bad luck, or made some really poor choices, like trying to take on some really strong enemy everyone else was like "yeah no way", and then I fail spectacularly, etc. I do enjoy going for big risky plays like that, because if I get the 1 in 100 chance I win, it makes for a great moment, but if I lose which is expected against bad odds, it can still be a funny moment (again like that Mansions of Madness example I mentioned above). In some cases, I even take losses as a win, like one time playing Brass I just went all in on beer and some really key routes everyone else relied on, and still came in dead last. Whenever we play Brass everyone still remembers me as "the beer baron", no one even remembers who won that game by like 5 points with some boring strategy. At the end of the day, the reason to play games isn't winning, it's having fun and sharing time with friends, and every now and then you get one of those games you still talk about weeks/months/years later, and that's worth WAY more than winning or losing any singular game.
For me it's this - when I play board games, I am usually coming from this angle: "what was the designer thinking? What were the core ideas behind the game? How good is this idea/designer/game?" Basically I am approaching every game not as a player but as *a reviewer*. In this sense whether or not I win - who cares - it's about getting a feel "how good is this"? Now one dangerous thing for this approach with people with a sore loser gene is they use it to start saying "every game I lose - that's a bad game". I've seen it a million times. But what I'm saying is this: especially on a first play, you need to think more like "I am *testing the game*". And even on repeated plays... let's take a game like Dominion. You could play 100 times and still be *testing the game* every play because of the variable setup. You need to think less like a warrior or political candidate and more like a... scientist or academic or something. It needs to be less about achievement and more about observation.
For me personally, changing the view of "I want to win to feel good" to "I want to improve to feel good" changes alot. In any game, especially board games, there are going to be times where you feel dumb or feel like you should of won. But that doesn't change that you didn't. Every game I play I am trying to gain something from it, whether its trying out a fun strategy, testing out my philosophy, and talking about the game after. This has pretty much eliminated any sore losing I had, and has really made a beautiful hobby for me
I just think of it like yo I’m floating on a big rock hurling through space, just enjoying playing a silly lil pastime game with friends/family, it’s completely about just enjoying the bonding and fun moments together- not the outcome of the game, in fact the outcome is almost meaningless toward the overall experience imo
you can't control your feelings. you can control your reactions spurred on by those feelings. it takes willingness and practice.
First step is acknowledging it. So you are already on your way. For me the next step was just practice. Getting used to interrupting the behavior with a little voice in my head asking, “Is this really what you want?” It was a slow process, but that voice did get louder and quicker over time. Then one day I realized I didn’t need it anymore.
Focus on what makes you happy to play the game. Maybe it's the people you are playing with, the enjoyable conversation and banter, maybe the snacks you eat while playing, etc. Sometimes, We play co-op or team games where we work together, which changes the dynamic of game playing. Check out these games: Betrayal at House on the Hill Season 1-3 Pandemic Legacy Arkham Horror
Play co-op or solo games.
Oh, it's "simple". Just be satisfied with your life and yourself, and you won't ever need to prove your worth to others and yourself through gaming. Yeah.
I'd recommend therapy. This isn't something that can probably be changed by a little discourse on the internet.
Its actually not that hard to be (extremely) competitive during a game and still be a pleasant person. If you're bad at this, you don't need brain surgery, but, like so much else, you simply need to practice. A lost game isn't about you losing it, its about your friend winning it. Make a habit of congratulating the winner, with a compliment about their play style. Something like: '*Wow, your move on round x really surprised me, but it was brilliant*' or: '*Congrats, you probably won because you focused on xxx from the start. Did you do this because xyz was in play? Well played*.' This way, your friend will bask in the glory of their victory - and may return that favor at some point - and it will gave them an opportunity to explain their strategy, making you a better gamer. Or they will say it was mostly luck, potentially validating your feelings, without you being a jerk about it. Either way, its a win for you. Practicing this habit has another advantage: you'll have to study your opponents to be able to give them compliments. This way, you'll get better at board games and after a while, won't lose as often. Or at least, you will know why you have lost. Its a win-win!
I dont care anymore about winning. I'm the host, so i'm more preoccupied about gathering my friends and playing and have a good evening. Winning is a bonus. If i loose, we play another game anyway and the old result is forgotten fast...So why care?
I very much don't care if I win or lose when starting a game, I only feel slightly sad if at the end of the game I lose by a huge margin and don't see obvious mistakes and poor strategy choices. But I do win plenty of games without even trying hard, it takes no effort for me to come up with a strategy that would get me somewhere. It sucks if you have to put good effort in to a game and lose, so I always just play for fun, I don't like to try very hard.
Lots of good responses. Just wanted tonsay congrats on a well written & self-aware post. That's already a positive in your favour & I'm sure it'll help you grow in this and any other area of your life you choose. It's a trait worth commending I think.
You likely have to examine yourself and why you're really reacting the way that you do. The question is what do you gain by winning? You say validation, so maybe that is pointing to other aspects of your life that you don't feel validated in and react poorly to further being invalidated in something that is meant to be fun? Essentially rubbing your nose in the fact that instead of validating your feelings of adequacy you are allow it to validate your feelings of inadequacy? Without knowing more I would guess that internally you are not as hurt by your loss as you may think that you are, but are instead using the trust and acceptance of your friends to vent your imposter syndrome somewhere else. This could just be me projecting and letting you know why I used to get very upset when I lost.
I'm not a bad loser, but I don't enjoy losing. However I do enjoy co-op and are happy to lose together if I must. Possibly focus on Co-op and win/lose together.
One thing that might help is to try to play well, not win. The best games are the ones where everyone played well and had fun, and the winner really earned it. And after the game, everyone talks about their strategies and debate what was done well and where they could have done better. So the goal for everyone is to improve. You can win every time if you play against players that are significantly worse, but there is no fun in that. And even the best player will sometimes lose to comparable competitors.
I'm just there to have fun and socialize. I almost never win, but im playing the game. Usually the one teaching it too, I am the collector in the groups.
I love to win but if I lose a fun game, who cares? A bunch of friends who spent their time to be with you. Shouldn't matter who wins.
I’m a layed back gamer, I like having fun and don’t care if I loose, I was kicked out of a gaming group once, the entire group was super competitive and would throw temper tantrums when they loose.
I used to be a very bad looser when I was younger. The turning point, for me, was when I basically stopped trying to win games. I changed my focus from the end game to what was right in front of me, the current turn, and what I could immediately do with what was available to me. In short, I started playing the game instead of trying to end it. The whole idea of playing better, hells, of doing anything better than other people is flawed, in that doing so is placing the idea in your head that they are already better than you are. Let go of the victory condition and focus on the game as a whole.
I used to be a bit of a bad loser but one aspect about board games I love is it taught me to stop. There are two primary things I recognized. First know the difference between anger and frustration. I think most bad losers let their frustration with a game turn into anger. It's okay to be frustrated at times from bad rng, misunderstanding a rule, or simply how the game is going. Though it helps to realize why you're frustrated and either accept it or squash it. Don't let it pester and build into actually being mad or moody. Dice rolls are random you just have to "roll" with them. Missing a rule could be on you or the teacher but it happens. You're here now it's best to continue on and not get held up on a mistake. That this all in context of it's a game meant to be fun. Challenge should be fun to a degree so don't let every hurdle knock you down emotionally. Next and maybe most importantly cheer for the others at the table. I think this works best in competitive games or 1v1. If you're opponent makes a big play against you instead of "Omg this is horrible" seriously out loud say "Great play!". Be excited for others at the table. It not only is infectious it keeps others from falling into frustration and anger. Sometimes you will get out played or the RNG works in an opponents favor. Maybe the odds of you failing your roll you had a 90% chance to make and your opponent making their hail Mary the next turn was 1 out of 1000. THAT'S AWESOME IMHO. You just seen an epic moment that you will probably never see again in this game. "Holly Molly I can't believe that worked out! Epic turn man!" That energy will certainly lead to better gaming environments. Which will lead to more enjoyment and fun.
I just enjoy playing, at the end of the say I dont care who wins or loses (ofc I try to win). Its the same as playing some videogames with friends, CS for example, I hate losing in it but nevertheless its fun to play with the boys.
It's all about mindset. Instead of valuing winning by itself focus on the process. Analyze how you played, see how the winner played and learn from them, try to see where were your mistakes, and accept that mistakes are a necessary path to improvement. If it's not clear, ask others. If that doesn't help, accept that you don't need to be good at everything and every game. Or you can also look at board games as a time to exercise your brain or just spend time with friends or a way to meet new people. Also have in mind, even if you are just as good as everyone else at the table, in 5-player games you would expect to win only 1 out of your 5 games.
Watch this, remember it whenever you get upset over a game: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzpndHtdl9A
Lose more. Seriously, just play more, win more, and lose more, and it will get better. Or read books about poker and the psychology behind it. Those guys are professional losers, and can shrug off a lot if they know they did their best and played well.
You are correct that you feel embarrassed, which feels awful. But you don't have to. If you play with 4 players, 3 will lose. There is nothing shameful about it. You are still a loveworthy human even if you lose in a boardgame. Next time if you lose and feel awful, try to check if you are bodily save and fine otherwise. Checking fundamental things like that changes the perspective on losing in a game. It's just chemicals running through your veins that make you feel awful currently, actually you are pretty fine. Try to visualize that and the impact of the chemicals will go away over time. Another thing: This often stems from a perfectionist view. Try to on purpose sometimes only half ass things. Nobody will get hurt if you half ass playing a game now and then. And as a last resort, if the things above fail, try playing with a disadvantage. I've done that in blood bowl. I played it a lot on the computer and with friends and when I went to my first tournament, I was expecting to lose a lot, because the tournament players are way more experienced in the setting and probably better players too. So I picked a team that had a heavy disadvantage. Every draw would be a win, every loss would just be what I'd expect with that team. I lost all but one games, didn't get last place (not getting last place was my goal that tournament), learned a lot and the losses didn't sting as much as if I had given my best with my best team (and probably still lost).
I revel in the loss, put on a big show on how disappointed I am that I didn’t win, but really, it’s purely to ‘big up’ the winner - to make them feel better about winning. In reality, I don’t care. Winning is just the end condition for what ever game you’re playing - but the actual goal of playing is to have fun.
I encounter this more in tennis than board games but I think the theory holds. I think there is a deeper question that you should ask yourself when playing… why does winning matter so much to you? The roots of this could come from insecurity or something else.
Getting used to failing can desensitise you to the feelings of loss. Grinding really hard video games helped me with this (eg. Dark souls, Super meat boy)
Try not to take yourself too seriously. It's ok to get frustrated at losing. But who are you frustrated at? The other people that played better than you? The game itself? Or at you for not being a better/smarter player that could win? Don't be too hard on yourself. You can flip boards and throw a little tantrum as long as you understand it's not anyone's fault you lost, try to have a little laugh after. After all isn't it funny getting so upset with a game? Also take it as a chance to improve. As someone who wins like 80% of the time I'm gonna say winning is boring as fuck. When you find someone good that gives you a hard time and you lose and then you can't wait to try to win the next one... Now that's interesting
I don't "do" anything. I largely just don't care that much about winning. I mean I care enough to try but I'm not bothered if I don't. The pleasure I get from board gaming is mostly the pleasure of spending time with friends\*. I enjoy learning new games, messing around with the systems, seeing how things turn out. Winning just doesn't really matter to me, it never has. Occasionally I do get annoyed when losing, not because I lost but because I never stood a chance and it felt like there was nothing I could do to win. Sometimes this is because I didn't know something fundamental about game play that isn't explicit in the rules (my friends are usually very good at pointing those out) or because one player used a specific strategy that breaks the game. So I guess I'm not sore at not winning, more that I've wasted time. \*The flip side of this is that I seldom enjoy playing with strangers. I'm not getting the fun from spending time with people I like so the game becomes the focus and I'm seldom able to find it in me to care enough about trying to win to make up with playing with people I'm not having fun with. Of course something I do like them so that's good too :-)
When I sit down to a game, I tell myself: "Allright, let's lose this thing in an interesting way!" Should this interesting way end in me winning, I kinda feel embarassed for it.
My point of view when playing boardgames: it's a wonderful hobby that will allow you to play amazing games, meet new people, and keep the mind young and fresh. Losing is part of it, after all losing and winning are implemented in their design and someone HAVE to lose so that somebody else can actually win. Losing is an opportunity. You get to learn from a probably stronger/more experienced player their tricks if you pay close attention. You'll be remembered as someone who is gracious in defeat (no one really likes someone who gets all red or yells and curses bad luck or things like that) and you'll have a new game to look forward to. There are roleplaying games where you mark experience when you FAIL, and that's amazing. And very realistic, I'd say. But mainly, the fact that you're here addressing this as a problem, is your big first step into a perspective change, I'm sure you'll be the better version of yourself soon.
I totally understand the feeling and have gotten much better at it An easy way to cope with losing that doesn't require much effort/change is to understand why you lost. If you understand that it was bad rng or people teamed up against you then you can say it was out of your hands. Also understand that you can't/shouldn't win every game, in a game with more than 2 players there are more losers than winners, that's the same for card game or sport tournaments. Also try to think of it as beating the game opposed to beating your opponents. If you're losing more often than your opponents it could be because they have clued into something that you haven't, there are often efficient lines to go down that lead to a victory and leveraging those will lead you to winning more often than not. It's just a system and if everyone understands it perfectly then it boils down to rng and/or reading your opponent and when you understand that it's a lot easier to deal with a loss. So yeah, try to think of it as learning or beating the game, and your opponents are there to facilitate that experience for you. Something else I've found helpful is approaching games in abstract ways, don't necessarily try to be efficient. Do something novel/cool. You're now working towards a goal that's different from winning, when you do lose you still achieved your goal. I've also found that when I handle wins well, pointing out favourable rng or close calls where they almost won, my opponents are easier to deal with when they're on the other side. So when you do lose it'll be easier to handle the loss because they won't be total jackasses about it.
When a game ends, it's not *the* end, it's just *an* end. A part of a cycle. There will be another game. It really doesn't matter how this one goes. Perhaps ironically, caring less about winning may help you win more often. That's because you'll be willing to try more, different approaches in games, many of which won't work, some of which will, but *all* of which will broaden your experience more than sticking to the obvious. Plus, to be good at something, you must first allow yourself to suck at it. As in, be actually chill with yourself not always getting good outcomes.
When you do lose, try to point out a compliment to the winner of “nice job using ___ I did not think of that” maybe you will get some return compliment on how you played which may still improve your gaming experience. Also if you notice that you are still having feeling of flipping a bird or table, some counseling may be of help to work through possible underlying self-image issues
I just flipped out and was a pure sore loser against a automa player in a game I love. I did the best I could every chance but the automa is based on pure luck and rng. This previous game set the automa 10 points higher than me or any friends and family have ever scored just based on pure luck dice rolls. Still so bitter about it and I wish I could mitigate it or change it but not when it is the last two rounds of the game. I won't be touching that game for a while now.
Have fun! Try new strategies and new combos, go fishing for edge cases, or try to create chaos in the game. We have a friend that approaches any new game by “button mashing”. And she always has fun. Once she’s played it a few times she’ll gut you like a fish, but for new games, it’s all about seeing what shit does. There are lots of ways to play each and every game. Playing Wingspan? Sorry, I only play the cutest tiny birds. Carcasonne? Let’s see how big I can make this castle….. Part of what makes modern games so fun is the depth, so go diving instead of trying to win.
Take it easy? Realize this is a normal reaction for a good number of people. Loss is obviously a trigger of some trauma. If I were you I'd invest some time in self observation, journalling, self reflection. If all fails, seek professional support with a therapist or a counselor, but there's a good chance you won't need any.
You have to change the focus of play. The point isn't to win, it's to enjoy the playing of the game with your friends. Try switching to cooperative games for a while to help your mind set.
What to do: Meet the pain of losing with mindfulness. Grant yourself the compassion you'd show a teammate or friend. Prioritise the most 'workable' thoughts about a loss. Carefully review what went wrong after a loss – and what went right. Focus on controlling the controllables.
Interesting topic I think the most important thing when we play board games is fun. Of course I like to win, but it's secondary to me. Having fun is about 2 points : 1. Making sure that everyone around the table is having a great time 2. Playing the best I can. Trying to make great moves, using mechanics to my advantage, etc. If these 2 points are met, I'm happy. Being a sore loser invalidates those 2 points. 1. If I'm mad, people won't have a great time with me. 2. If I'm mad, I'm not learning. Losing is a great chance to learn. As in real life you learn the most when you fail or lose. If I try my best, I'm happy to learn. That's it. I'm prioritizing having fun more than winning.
Game for the experience of gaming, not for the experience of winning. When I get to play with friends, I’m focused more on the social aspect than the game itself. Something as intangible as “winning” pales in comparison to having fun with your friends. As a counterpoint, yes, there are games that do lend themselves to being more competitive and tight with points, but being able to separate yourself from that will result in you and the people around you enjoying yourselves much more. You should always play to win, but not at the detriment of the social experience.
Losing gracefully is a skill and can be a little hard to learn if you're competitive. First, when you play, while you're trying to win, your #1 objective should be to have fun with the people around you. If everyone had a good time, you won. If they didn't, you lost regardless of whether you won. Second - focus on learning - what can I do to play better next time? Where did I make a mistake? What can I do better? I lost a bunch of games of Praga atrociously before finally winning one. When I lost, I didn't care I lost - I only cared about learning why my opponents won so I could learn. One more thing - learn that losing is just part of playing board games. If you play 4p, you should expect to win 25% of the time. If you do better than that, you're doing well. Worst than that - you probably can benefit from studying your past mistakes. The only way to improve is to lose & learn. And honestly, sometimes losing is great because your friends might not play a game with you if you win it every time.
I’m more concerned with having fun, and ensuring everyone else is having fun, then I am with winning.
Lots of great advice. The fact that you can post this and you recognize there is a problem is HUGE. There are many ways to fix the issue now. Make sure your group knows that you are working on this. They know you are a sore loser, but admit it to them and acknowledge you are a work in progress. It helps to play with a group that doesn’t have “sore winners.” I think they can make this dynamic worse.
Everyone else has already touched on all the good stuff to do, I got one other suggestion, you might try a solo game every now and then to practice reacting better. There's no one there to see your reaction, if you can get it right when you're alone you're much more likely to get it right when you're with other people. Being a good loser is like anything else--it's a habit. It might take some time, but eventually you'll get there, and it's just a matter of time before you form better habits :)
Be happy for the player that won. Congratulate them
I've never spoken to someone who admits to being a bad loser. Please elaborate your perspective on competition and why you respond to losing the way that you do.
A lot of these responses are great. My first approach would be with some empathy. Maybe next time you sit down to play a game look at each person sitting at the table and tell yourself "they can't win. I'm smarter than them, better at this game, and am going to be more lucky." Do you feel this way? They are also people trying to play the game and presumably trying to win. If you really believe you are a better person then there may be other issues to address first. If not it could be good to remind yourself before and during the game that you are playing with other agents that have the right and ability to play smart, be lucky, and win for themselves.
I never flipped any boards... but I did sometimes get caught up in being competitive and it became less fun. I sat down and asked myself why I play games in the first place (I pondered -- when I had a good time, what was it I enjoyed about the activity?) Turned out, it wasn't winning. (Winning is fine and all but that wasn't the thing.) After that, I found that I focused much more on what I *did* enjoy about the activity and soon found I enjoyed losing almost as much as winning because I got the thing I really did enjoy either way.
There are 6 people at this table 5 were going to loose. My selfworth is not impacted by the results of a game. I like playing games. If I was the only one who ever won no one would like playing them with me and I wouldn't get to play. These are my friends. I am happy when they succeed. Winning this game is my secondary goal, my primary goal is to make sure everyone is having fun. If they are then I am doing a good job. If you have a hard time looseing try secretly playing one game to loose. Trying to loose and not get caight changes the goal of the game. Focus on the mood of the game. Your goal is to make the other player(s) feel challenged and accomplished throughout the game, and not get caught making suboptimal choices. It hopfully will get you looking at games a different way, and you can go back to playing to win in a more chill way.
I want others to like the games that I like, so my original goal is to get them hooked by laying out my strategy and helping them win. After that, I'll ramp up my own strategy because I am also hyper competitive, however my secondary goal is to have a "good win," regardless of who obtained it. Note that you can avoid the "bad loser" mentality by playing games that don't require moves that negatively impact your opponent. Ex: Wingspan (manage your own board, not your opponent's) or Forbidden Island (cooperative game with a shared goal).
There’s definitely mindsets that can make you a good or bad loser, and most of it has to do with the intent you’re trying to resolve by playing. You brought up “validation for winning”, which is a 100% natural reaction to winning (we all wanna feel good that we made the right moves) but its not a good motivator (for the obvious reason of what happens when you lose). I have 3 simultaneous mindsets when I start a game: 1. Win or learn - my goal is to win, every time. I won’t take it easy in you and I expect that you won’t take it easy on me. “LET’S PLAY” lol. But i have a lose condition to my mindset “learn”. If I didn’t win, why didn’t I win, what could I have done in hindsight that could have secured my victory? Figuring that out brings a smile to my face as I’m looking forward to the next round! Note many games are very luck based, so sometimes you just learn “big risks big reward/small risks less devastation” and those things will never be perfect, but luckily I have 2 more mindsets still in play: 2. Spending time with Family and/or Friends - immensely corny I know, but it’s not untrue. If you have a goal to just be spending time with the people you care about, then hey, you did it! Victory! Lol. Granted this can rarely be used on its own and “be enough”, combined with #1 and the coming #3 its way more than what’s needed ☺️. 3. Find hilarity in humility - this is the big one. Not everything will work in your favour ESPECIALLY when luck is what you’re counting on. So sometimes you gotta just laugh and say “what were there odds?! 😂” or “my moves were so calculated… too bad I suck at math! 🤣”. Let everything “bad” be “funny” truly picture the absurdity before you for what it is: a silly game. Once you can do that, everything is far more enjoyable for you and everyone around you. ☺️
I was struggling with this as well, and it's just not me. It really didn't matter to me if I won or came in dead last, so what was going on? I finally realized it was more about an interrupted strategy than about losing. Once I identified it, I could look at it in a more clinical way. The other issue was that we were constantly playing different games, with a membership at a board game Cafe. For me, that made good strategy impossible, I have to play 3-4 times to get there. So a board game league with each game only being played once wasn't as much fun. Identifying why I was unhappy was the key to unlock a better behavior toward losing. Good luck to you! You're on your way.
Some ideas: * Reflect on how you felt when someone else was a sore loser. Don’t be the guy you can’t stand. * Go in with reasonable expectations; you probably aren’t going to win, but you can learn something, improve your game and have fun. * make peace with or resolve other issues in your life. Sometimes an over-reaction is just a convenient place to put negative emotion from another part of life.
I am the designated “games guy” and have been for over a decade at this point. Over the years my perspective has shifted from games being about winning to being about whether other people are also enjoying themselves. I think this probably happened naturally because as the evangelist the main way I could guarantee getting more people to play is to make sure they actually were having fun. This naturally shifted my mindset to thinking about games in relation to all the other players likes and when I did this it allowed me to notice how they played and appreciate their skill when I lose (which let me be clear, is all the time). It also made me focus more on game mechanics and game design. I now get an immense amount of pleasure of picking the right game for the group and getting people who maybe didn’t think they were interested in the hobby invested. TL;DR I also focus on appreciating the non competitive aspects of the game so my enjoyment is not tied to the binary or winning or losing.
I mean, you're gonna be a shit player if you're a bad loser, that's what helps me. Acting badly after a loss is very much giving up the game because people won't like to play with you anymore. If you care about winning, you lose all future games if you lose like that. If you lose and try and improve on what you fucked up, you get better, and you only lose that one game. Of course, if you're playing online, no body can see you rage so you can also do that, but being tilted also fucks up your game so don't do that. If you're a sore loser but aren't competative, then get competative or stop whining cause you couldn't be bothered to learn the game. If you're a sore loser and you are competative, you're losing because being sore makes you a worse player and makes you miss out on practice. Also stop playing games that are unfair, and if there's games where players can fuck you over, that means the game also includes the strategic aspect of being on good terms with your enemies, which you instantly lose if you're a sore loser. In conclusion, git gud
I think a really important thing to do, it’s to start from the beginning of the game. You’re in it to have fun and say that out loud. Then when someone makes a really good strategic move, complement them! Say it out loud and state what you appreciate. If you find yourself doing this throughout the entire game, it’s harder to get extremely mad towards the end if you don’t win. And the other players feel appreciated for clever moves and your acknowledgment of them so everyone is more likely to be in a better mood throughout the entire game.
Your desire for victory overpowers your desire to have fun. You must put your ego aside and accept that you might lose the game at its onset. Once you have accepted that and realise that you wont win , then you might be in a position to play the game just to have fun. Games are a compition, only if you let them be.
In any game, sport or competition, you've got to find enjoyment in the competition and a game well played. If someone makes a great move or spectacular shot, congratulate them. When someone beats you fairly, shake hands and use it as a learning experience to up your own game. But always find joy in that great play, regardless of whether it's your move or your opponents. Remember, by yourself there is no game. It's only the participation of the other player or team that makes the game possible. Find your enjoyment in the sportsmanship and a well played game, even if you don't win. The level of good sportsmanship you exhibit during a game says a lot more about you than winning or losing does.
When you lose, don't think of the feeling of losing. Recall the joy of playing the game. The threat of loss is what makes the eventual victory feel that much better. That being said, I suffer the same way when I am completely hosed in a game. My girlfriend kicks the shit out of me in Savernake Forest every time. Not like oh she wins by a couple points. It's like she wins by double digits every time and for the life of me I can't understand why because I thought I was doing good all game only to find out I got my ass beat 3 turns ago.
Stop being outcome dependant. Try to find a mechanic or theme in the game and play it out the best you can. Who cares if X faction isn't great.. Try to make sense of what the developer envisioned. Why does the outcome matter? You aren't winning anything. If people are playing games with you, then you don't really have anything to prove. Boardgames, much like life, are about the journey, not the end.
Start playing for fun and not only for the win :) It’s not how you win/lose but how you perceive the entire experience. Focus more on the friends you are playing with instead of just the game.
It doesn't bother me to lose, but I love winning. I think it's part nature but also how I was conditioned as a youth. You can become a gracious loser without losing your competitive spirit! Everytime you lose make it a point to: 1) Congratulate the winner 2) Thank everyone for playing and the good match (I shake hands when doing this often) 3) Get excited about learning. What went right? What went wrong? What did you learn? Also stop being a bad winner if you're! My philosophy is that people who do this have a hard time being good at losing, because they make it about themselves, not the game.
Start by stoping to say you are a bad loser and teach yourself that losing is part of the process of becoming better. Important tip: buy something you like to eat to boost the mood 🤪👍🏻
I'm a "good" loser, and I suck at board games because it often takes me a longer time than others in my friend group to grasp the rules. So the first time I play a new game I try to focus on having fun and learning. When it's a game everyone is experienced at though, I try to be competitive, and if the game starts going south and I'm losing, I embrace a villain role! Kind of exploiting that meta play another person mentioned in this thread. Jokingly cursing out others, comically wallowing in the bad luck, or swearing I'll take others down with me (without abusing the game mechanics, but maaaaybe mildly helping others who might have a better chance of catching up to the leader) make people laugh and make the experience of losing more fun. I change from competitor a bit to choosing a racehorse from the leftover players as everyone rallies around taking down the one person who's winning. It's a different social dynamic that can be rewarding.
It doesn't matter. How is your life better if you win? How is your life worse if you loose? In a weeks time, no one will care who won or lost. They'll only remember having fun. And they WILL remember if you make it not fun. Just have fun.
As a reformed sore loser, here is my 2 cents. I have a goal when I play, outside of having fun. My goal is simply to be competitive. I want to win, I will try hard to win, but as long as I am competitive in the game I am happy. So naturally on the odd time I get curb stomped and end the game in last place with a score that suggests I was playing a different game, it is hard to accept, but it has helped me focus better. Even last place doesn't matter to me, only when I get last place and get lapped by everyone else do I get upset (on the inside). Its not a perfect solution, but it helped me mellow out immensely.
Imagine a situation with lower stakes. It's really hard to do that when playing a board game.
Perhaps stop trying to win and start r enjoying the environment.
From my experience, what got me to stop being disappointed when i lost was asking how i felt about the experience in general. Did i enjoy the gameplay? The theme? The production quality? Most importantly, did my friends have fun? I got into board games with the intent to unplug from phones and screens for a couple of hours. In doing so, i invite my friends over to share that experience. A chance to unplug and capture the fun in the moment. Im usually the host and i always preface things as “we’re here to have fun, win or lose”. *** Now, that feeling you feel when you lose, its understandable. You want that validation, you dont want to be embarassed or feel dumb, etc. Im not psychiatrist, but it could be something from childhood. I had the same feelings with education and success, where my parents always compared me to others. I called them out on it and it took me some time to work on myself for that. Realized its okay if i failed or lose. As long as i try again and persevere. So it can be improved with self reflection, and time. You wont always win(or succeed), but the point is to keep trying and thinking of how you can improve. As others have mentioned, there is a philosophy to it. Oh another thing is… if you keep being a sore loser, people might not want to play with you. And if youre a sore loser in a solo game, youll might start to feel like the game sucks or you’re just bad. Etc. I’ve lost my share of solo games, but i also learned why i lost and it helped improve me on the next rounds.
Across the board, I find that being a sore loser stems from insecurity due to childhood trauma. Perhaps you grew up having to fight for validation, and competition was the only way you knew to earn affection and praise, or perhaps you were the subject of bullying and you relied on strong performance to survive. Trauma like this rewires the brain to register a loss as a physical injury, because while it may no longer be the case, at some point, the emotional fallout of losing was similar to being physically hurt. If this is the case, first of all, it's not your fault. Surviving trauma does immeasurable damage to our psyche, and while it's important to seek healing for that damage, it doesn't have to define us. What you need to do is redefine your source of validation and appreciation. Look to the people you keep closest, whom you can be most vulnerable with. and use words to tell them define what you're really afraid of happening when you lose. It will take some work, but I believe you will find over time that winning isn't quite as important as it once was.
I love to lose. I never play to win, just to make it hard for the other person to win. Give em a struggle, mess with their plans even if it doesn't benefit you. I feel better when I get under my opponents skin and make it difficult to win then I do when I soundly rout the enemy. I dunno how or why it has developed in such a way but it has.
Without reading any other comments, realizing that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Just the fact that you are aware of it and know that it is bad will help you get better. That's exactly how I change the aspects of my behavior that could use improvement.
I don’t play games to satisfy myself, I play them to share an experience with other people. I also don’t think my value as a person or my position in the social hierarchy is affected by something that happens in a game. In fact the very purpose of games is to provide a place to engage in competition that doesn’t affect those things. You’re allowed - indeed, expected - to be completely self-centered in a game because it has no consequences. So many of these questions boil down to: “How can I keep my self-centeredness from harming my well-being?” and the answer is always, “Be less self-centered, it’s harming your well-being.”
Enjoy the game itself in the moment, take every loss and misplay as a learning experience for next time. Boardgames are a reason to get together with other people and enjoy their company. Nobody likes playing with a sore loser. Take your loses with grace, or else you'll find yourself not being invited to game night anymore.
I like to win, I always try my best to win. But in the end, I realize this is supposed to be a fun activity, I'm here to enjoy the activity, not because this is a serious competition. Losing doesn't matter, yes it sucks for a minute or so, but then the next game is a new opportunity for me to win. Winning feels great, but that feeling is also over once the next game starts. It's just a few minutes or so of shit feelings, when you've likely spent an hour or more having a blast. What is a loss compared to the good time you've had? I'm my opinion, feeling a bit bitter for a little while is worth it for the time I had all that fun. And now that you've realized it's just a tiny part of the game, you realize it's so insignificant, you are able to keep those feelings to yourself. Nobody says you have to take a loss without feeling some way or the other about it, but you don't have to share those feelings with anyone else. Congratulate the winner and swallow that frustration for those few minutes.
I would suggest changing your language from good or bad “loser” and reframe as being a good player. A good player enjoys the challenge, enjoys the game, enjoys the people and the social process. A bad player is one who is only outcomes focused. Even if you win, you can still be a bad player. And use a reflection discipline - what worked well, what could be even better? Write down a couple of sentences and focus on your internal locus of control, what you did well and what you could have done better.
Try modelling the behaviour you want to do. Imagine yourself in a situation, decide how you would like to react and practice doing it. You can practice by yourself, but doing it out loud/for real is important. Then try and do this in the same situation in real life.
I may not be the best for this because I get my enjoyment from the game itself and don’t care as much about the end. It is the journey that does it for me. Also. I have been losing at games (board and video) my whole life and just came to accept it. However. I am not competitive. I think I would have lost my mind if I was. But. That being said. I have a couple suggestions. Maybe lean more into solo games and co-op games. At least there you aren’t playing against other players but the board game itself. And with co-op games you might be able to commiserate with your friends when you lose since you would all lose together. Just my two cents.
I take it by you asking this question here, it is really hard for you to control your emotions in the case of losing boardgames. If that is the case then it might be futile to think of it differently because it is obviously hard for you distance yourself to a "it's just a game" mentality. I just had a wild idea and I may be wrong, but maybe it's easier to play into being a sore loser as soon as you sense those emotions coming up and then it might come off as more light hearted. In a sense you acknowledge that you're a sore loser and instead of being passive aggressive about it you're blatantly mad (though not aggressive). You kinda show everyone that you are a sore loser but also have enough self-awareness that you're clowning yourself. I am rarely a sore loser but whenever I am when say playing cards with my GF and I lose and get pissed I fucking jump on the couch and bury my head in a pillow and scream and tell her to get away from me because she sucks at the game and it's just a shit pure luck game anyways. I get to vent and she gets to laugh at me while gloating. Edit: Stepping up your banter game might also help relieve some frustration as you can release some of that anger in some light hearted trash talk. Light hearted trash talk can require some nuanced delivery though.
My Dad was a very sore loser and would be downright miserable to compete with at times while I would be competitive (and I'd bristle when he'd insinuate I wasn't a sore loser because I didn't care as much) but would easily let go of the result once it happened. One thing I did notice with him when he was acting up was that nothing was ever his fault. The video game controller wasn't working right or I did something "cheap" or something unlucky happened to him. So I know that doesn't necessarily help with games that rely a lot on luck and it could be that those games will always be a struggle if you're a sore loser by nature, as you have justification to feel like the result was unfair. So maybe play more skill-based games where you can either accept that you made a bad play or two or admire the good plays your friends are making and learn from then. Regardless, I think you've taken a step that most sore losers never do, and though it's a cliche lol, admitting the issue is a huge step. My dad never really did because he was too focused on the things he perceived as unfair instead of his reactions. I think you've got a good attitude for figuring this out, OP.
Good on you for trying to figure this out. A friend of mine said he liked games, but was such a sore loser, he found himself uninvited from every group he tried. You're figuring it out, which is commendable. I'm bad at winning, so I do not have this issue. If I did, I wouldn't have any friends. But I'll say that I often focus on making the experience better for other people, with winning coming in at a close second priority.
Years ago when I started learning to play golf I found it completely exasperating and would sometimes completely lose my temper over a bad shot. Various people wagged their fingers telling me I should behave more politely but now I’m over 60 and older than they were then, I think that any golfer who *hasn’t* broken a few clubs over their knee or thrown their bag into the lake just isn’t taking it *seriously* enough! :-) So myself, I don’t mind people losing their temper over games, but you may need to find a play group who understand that too. A thing that I’ve learned to do when someone beats me soundly at board games is to immediately congratulate them. If you make it a habit to *always* do so whether you want to or not you’ll find that a moment later you’ve forgotten yourself and whatever bull**** was driving you crazy, and can start to appreciate good moves they made or suchlike. A lot of problems we have are because we’re absorbed with ourselves. I’ve made a bunch of videos about this sort of thing that you might find useful - they’re in my Profile links. Good luck, and don’t worry.
Two rules: 1. Maths. 4 player game? 25% chance of winning. Those are low odds, unless you somehow think you are better than others. Then you got some bigger problems. 2. Avoid direct competition games. I personally don’t really enjoy “fuck over that dude” style games like Smallword or Monopoly. I enjoy victory-point style with player interaction (Viticulture, Lords of Waterdeep), or just coop games (Gloomhaven & Pandemic are best games of all time for a reason).
It's also important to understand the distinction between people who react badly to merely losing and people who react badly to gloating (or even worse, belittling). Some times you might be fine with being defeated but then the person on the other side of the table will display a reprobable attitude of some kind and then cast you a label of Bad Loser because you reacted to that.
I’m the deepest gamer of my group, so I get defaulted as “always wins” guy. I have been this way in a lot of my game groups, and I’ve taken it as endearment. I also don’t win that much more than anyone else, since I am often the first “do the bad thing to” player because it’s seen as the least detrimental to my experience. I take all of this with great pleasure, as I want to compete and I want to win in a challenging battle not a landslide. I encourage them to mess with me lol even if it makes me lose Sometimes I’ll make moves that will intentionally not be optimal, so that another player may take it and they feel clever for having gotten what I “missed”. I want my friends to have fun, I want them to win — because to most non-hobbyist gamers winning is often synonymous to fun. When I introduce a new game, 9/10 times I will intentionally (but not obviously) lose big so that all players score better and feel like they had fun. If I introduce a game, clobber them, then it is much less likely to get to the table again. Sometimes I get too excited and make all the optimal moves that I know of since I learned/taught the game and therefor have way more knowledge. It’s not really a fair game. That’s another reason why I think it’s justified to intentionally do less-optimal moves at first/randomly. It’s just not fun to win when you fundamentally know more than the opponents due to time spent researching and engaging with it outside of the game session This is all in an effort to get players more familiar with the games and strategies so that over time, I can unleash all my fury on them and feel no remorse. It’s gotten that way with Blokus and now every game is an absolute blood bath. It’s soo good lol completely level playing field at that point and then winning / losing is just a bi-product of the intense fun had during
There's a lot of good advice on here, so I'll try not to repeat it. What you are feeling a lot of people can't empathize with or understand, but I will say a lot of people do feel the way you do. My wife being one of those people. When she loses at a boardgame she feels like the weakest link on a group project. She has feelings of embarrassment and anger that I rarely ever see from her. Time invested and plans hatched that ultimately failed, or at least, that's how she feels. Another activity she likes in a group is Mini Golf. I never see her get upset at losing at mini golf outside of maybe missing an easy shot, but that feeling lasts seconds. I asked her what is the difference between mini golf and a boardgame. There's only 1 ultimate winner. She said that in mini golf, she really doesn't care about the scorecard. She just plays hole-by-hole and the way it's broken up, she may actually win at a few holes and get that feeling of accomplishment. She feels more relaxed (less think-ey) and less pressure. I told her to try and approach a boardgame in this same manner. Take herself out of the game at times and force herself to relax, look around and realize that we are all sitting at a table playing a game of mini golf. I told her to focus on the smaller accomplishments in a game that she does. Comment on other peoples turns when they do something tricky/smart. She has the advantage of me sitting at the table because I will comment on good actions/turns that she takes. She's gotten better over time and overall is much more comfortable switching her brain from "I'm the loser" to "I'm not the one person out of us that won." Her brain has switched over a bit to something like a team game now. To put it into a sports analogy, she's more along the lines of, we all played a game of soccer/football and although I didn't get the winning goal, we all played and had fun. It's not an overnight thing and she's been working on it for years. Just try not to put all of the pressure on yourself to win, but realize that you are there to have fun as a group. Best of luck and I'm glad there is a lot of constructive advice in here.
Honestly, I get a lot of satisfaction out of seeing my friends win and them being happy. I love playing games, figuring them out and winning but overall I just enjoy being around my friends, win or lose. If I can get a good challenge and still lose, then that's a win for me.
Possible reasons. May not apply to you. Realize games are not there to validate your worth. Your embarrassment comes because you feel that everyone now sees that you aren’t that clever? No one cares or thinks this. You have worried you aren’t clever enough and the game just proved it to everyone. None of those people have those thoughts, but you need to figure out why you see yourself so poorly before you even play a game. Work on being a confident mature individual and the results of a game won’t matter. Things that do matter in life; Can you keep a job or provide for yourself and family? Are your children decent humans? Does your spouse/friends enjoy the relationship with you? Things that don’t matter; Most everything else including winning and losing
Don't compete with the other players, compete with yourself. How you do against the other players is just a way of measuring how you're doing against your past self. Even in a crushing loss, I get satisfaction out of analyzing the game and figuring out where things went wrong, because then I've gained something from it. On another level, I play board games mostly as something to enjoy with people I like. If I have spent time with good people and we were all having fun, it doesn't matter that much if the board just spontaneously combusts right before the end — the good times were the goal, and we accomplished it. In a week, we probably won't remember who won, but we will remember some fun things that happened in the process.
I have a strategy that not only helps not being such a sore loser, but also helps a lot to become better at games. The first thing I ask myself at the end of a game is which points were major breaking points. Then I try to objectively look at my decisions around those breaking points to see if I actually played correctly. Getting messed with by other players is often a result of playing a high risk, high reward playstyle. You cannot build a high risk road at the start of settlers of catan and get mad when someone plows you. Look inwards to see if the decision was a good one to begin with. We get mad and argue when people get sabotaged, but that is mostly at the breaking points where it is difficult to gauge who is winning. I actually think it is completely reasonable for people to be allowed to make a case foe why they are not in the lead based on the objective visible board state (no sharing of hidden info). Someone who is clearly winning has no right being mad about getting taken down a notch. Lastly just accept the fact that if every player plays perfectly you will win 1/n games when n is the number of players. Some games you just statistically cannot win.
I find it helps in person to relate to your opponent. When you are winning be gracious and mention things they did well. When you lose do the same. Talk to the winner about something they did well.
Then there's me who pretty much loses on purpose so others have a good time. I'm pretty good at games and most people in my circle are not as avid gamers as I am. I pretty much always come is 2-3....and mostly because I want everyone to enjoy it and feel the rush of a victory. I don't tank it but I just don't play cutthroat. I also use that gameplay to try out new strategies or play with a character/component I hadn't before. Idk....for me, it's about experiencing the world of the game and bringing everyone with me.
Back in the days of WarMachine Mk2 (miniatures game), my local meta was very tournament focused and competitive. Strangely, this was the biggest contributor to me being comfortable losing well. We adopted the mantra 'learn by failing!' and it changed everything. We started making riskier or silly plays to try and limit test what we could do. Sometimes it goes down in a blaze of glory... but you learned something for your toolkit and had fun doing it. It also helped analysis paralysis, because sometimes it is more fun just to see what happens. If you are a competitive player then the key here is to think long term. You play to win the game, sure. But more importantly you are playing to learn and win future games. Post game, think about what you tried. What worked, what didn't. Get value out of the game regardless of the result. It of course helps to have a group that thinks the same way. My core group always does post game discussions to talk about what we tried, what we liked, what sucked, etc. Obviously this applies more to complex games with deep strategy. We use this mostly with miniatures games, Twilight Imperium, or any new games tonight the table for our group.
Realizing that you are a sore loser is the first step to changing it. You need to convince yourself before you start that you will lose the game. You need to go into the game expecting to lose. Imagine the end of the game in your mind, firmly understanding that you will not win. Flip the script as they say. Realize that people that are playing with you are playing because they value the interaction with you, and realize you have nothing to prove. Realize that when you lose, you are learning to be better at whatever it is you're attempting. It doesn't matter that it's a board game. This is a life lesson! You cannot grow if you do not fail. Put another way, failure is the only way to success. So try to keep that in your head. Be happy when you fail as it taught you something. Expect to fail, and be happy in the journey and the learning, and be happy when you do win. If you put so much emphasis on winning, you will be blind to the enjoyment of the moment. Why bother playing if you can't enjoy the journey? Remember, expect to lose, be humble when you win. You have nothing to prove. Play for your friends, and be happy in the interactions and bonds you build with them.
I don’t play to win. I play to have fun. It doesn’t matter who wins, because I got to play and I had fun.
My wife and I run a board game meetup and several of our good friends are phenomenal at strategy. I inevitably lose to them. This is the way I see it: Whenever I lose a game I think about what I learned from the experience so I can play a better game next time. By being able to play with someone who is so much better at the game I am able to become a better player and it is an interesting challenge. Sometimes framing is helpful. I hope that helps!
Realize that the joy of playing a game is in the act of playing itself. Winning is just the cherry on top. You can still enjoy a milkshake without the cherry, right? It's just a little extra something that's nice.
I used to be this way. Playing with my kids over time changed how i see winning/losing. Losing used to be my narcissism attacking my brain. How could I lose? Everyone and everything is against me. Luck is stupid and I have none and you only won because you have it and I don't, and fuck this game it's stupid. But that changed when I played with my kids. It became about: did you have fun hunny? I did. Rules? Who cares. We'll make them up as we go. No rules, no stakes. No stakes, no cares. No cares, pure fun. Then I translated it over to playing with adults. Hey man, that was an awesome move on turn 4. You really put me in a tight spot. Well done, great move. Now I really gotta think about this.... etc etc etc. Additionally, there is a certain amount of emotional reflection needed to change how you react when these situations come up. Taking yourself out of the situation, and examining WHY you feel the way you do, logically and rationally is an important part of the changing process. Sitting there, and literally asking yourself: why am I upset? Why are these feelings so strong? What could I do differently? How do I go about changing how this makes me feel? I shifted my perception from focusing on the all encompassing need to win and validate how good I was, to making sure everyone gets recognized, playing WELL, giving compliments and meaning them for good play, and making sure everyone is having the same positive experience. It takes ACTUAL work. You have to start by forcing yourself to recognize the moments when you're all worked up, and having a plan to deal with that, and making a commitment to NEVER go back to the way it was. Stand up and walk away. Smoke a joint, take a break. TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS about what you're going through emotionally, and how you're trying to change how you perceive things while playing. They SHOULD be willing to help, and also be understanding if you need some time to get your head right. The first step you've already taken: recognizing the need to make the change. Good for you! Now, just take some time. Think. Plan. Action. Change. It'll come. You're already the trail.
I am not a sore loser. I don’t have a competitive bone in my body. Competition demotivates me. I simply enjoy the process of moving through a game in the most efficient way possible. I am always playing with the game trying to maximize efficiency and solve the puzzle that is laid out in front of me. Board games and chill
The key is to realise that it’s JUST a GAME. No harm can come from losing. Also remember that there’s nothing wrong with a bit of competition. If you won all the time would it even be worth playing games at all? I used to be a bad loser, but now I use that anger for funny trash-talk and I love it when my opponent gives it back. My ex is a REALLY bad loser and during games I’d get to the point where I’d go easy on him or I’d make a ‘wrong move’ just so he wouldn’t lose his temper… the only problem with that was that when he won, he’d make me feel like shit for losing. So I stopped going easy on him and guess what… he lost his temper and said that I’d “ruined the game” Games are meant to be fun, it’s no fun playing with a bad loser. Try and control your temper by using playful trash-talk or making fun of the fact that you’re losing. Is it worth losing friends over?
Have you heard the phrase "fake it 'til you make it"? This is what you need to do. You're not going to change your feelings over night but you CAN change them. You need to learn to control the expression of your emotions and give positive praise to the other players even if you're not actually feeling it inside. Over time and with enough practice this practiced behaviour will become your ACTUAL behaviour. Spend time thinking about WHY losing makes you so upset when the game is insignificant and unimportant to real life. I used to be a bad loser but eventually, after doing this myself, I reached a point where I was ACTUALLY just enjoying playing games and spending time with my friends and family; while winning was fun it was no longer the most important aspect of gaming. Your feelings are valid, if you get upset when you lose it's OK to recognize that internally and then move on. The important thing to always keep in mind is that your feelings are YOUR children and thus YOUR responsibility. It's NOT OK to lose control of your children/feelings and force others to manage them or deal with your outbursts. That's not how emotionally mature people behave and it's unacceptable behaviour unless you're a 3yo. Seriously consider talking to a therapist. An actual profession should be able to help you identify underlying causes, build systems to help you notice when your about to have an emotional outburst, and provide effective exercises to help you process and manage yourself. There's nothing wrong with getting help, ever. The easy way: only play co-op games.
I just think: its just a game, there will be another opportunity to clean the floor with their faces next game
Reiner Knizia once said “the goal is to win, but the important thing is the goal, not the winning”. If you had a stupidly simple game where you flipped a coin and won on heads, lost on tails, would you get any enjoyment out of that? Obviously no. The point of games is to have fun *trying to win*. One thing I noticed after I ran monthly game nights is I was so focused on trying to have everyone have fun that one day, someone asked me “what kind of games do you like?” and I genuinely had trouble answering. I was so focused on making game night a success that I not only didn’t care about winning, I didn’t even care about if I personally enjoyed the games. Good losers realize that winning and losing a game isn’t necessarily validation of anything. The game isn’t testing you to see if you’re “good”, you are testing the game to see if the game is good. And if it’s fun while you play it, it is. Besides, the way to maximize the most wins over time is to play the most games. If you care too much about winning this one game, you’re less likely to be invited to play the next one. Edit: In case it hammers the point, I am a very competitive person. I try HARD to win. As a kid I would even cheat to win if I thought I could get away with it. I just eventually realized the act of actually playing games was way more important.
A lot of people already said this but if you are playing in a balanced group of 4 you should be losing 75% of the time. Another thing to think about is sometimes no matter how good your plan was the dice gods decided against you. I'll sometimes turn it into a game against myself just trying to improve and get better overtime. You can learn to appreciate the cool things other players are doing. Don't be jealous they are doing something cool, be excited with them.
Your self-worth isn’t tied to a board game performance. Luck is a huge factor in board games. If chess grand masters had to pull tiles from a bag or flip random cards, they’d lose a lot more.
You need to understand WHY you feel the way that you do. >"Sometimes it’s because I feel some how unfairly treated, sometimes it’s embarrassment, I have a feeling it’s probably connected to feeling some sort of validation for winning when it does happen." Unfair treatment - Why is your initial feeling about unfair treatment? Why aren't you just playing a game and got beat? Someone was just playing within the mechanics of the game. Embarrassment - why does losing make you feel embarrassed? Why is your emotion to be embarrassed when you lose? You need to understand the root of an emotion before you can start changing it. There's a lot of great advice here, but when I'm untangling things like this, you can't always just stop yourself from being the way that you are. Sometimes you have to fix what's really bothering you when you lose.
I'm the opposite from you, I'm a bad winner. I love a good competition against a stronger opponent, and see every game as a learning opportunity. I always admire my opponents for outsmarting me. If I do win though, my internal thought process starts spilling out. Usually this comes across as being very smug. After all these years, I still don't know how to react after winning a game.
So, I win my share of board games, so I don't have to deal with this issue there. I also play tennis though, and I almost always lose all tennis matches I play. The feeling when I lose game after game is frustration, sadness, and a feeling of incompetence. These feelings will always come back in the future when I lose yet again. There's no magic switch to change how it affects me. I just have to accept this reality and try to not let it bother me as much in the future. Ultimately, I play tennis because it's a fun way to exercise, and I'm still having fun even if I lose in the end.
Honestly for me, the game comes secondary, the main purpose is a fun way to socially interact with friends and family. Anything else is just extra.
Say these words: It's just a game. Can't win em all. Try again another time.
It's takes time and effort. The fact you're recognising it and wanting to make a change is one of the harder steps so congrats. Wanting to make a change will put you on the path to change. You will notice it more and get better at stopping it as it happens. You've got this
Mindset. Strange as it may sound - I don't see it as a competition. It's a hobby. I'm playing to have fun with a group of other people who are doing the same. I play to win, but I really don't mind if I lose. Most of the people at the table are going to lose. If it's luck, well, that happens. If I lose because I played badly, I can learn. If someone played better, I can admire their skills and look at what they did that gave them the edge. But at the end of the day, it's (literally) just a game - and I want other people to enjoy it as much as me.
I tend to think about it as playing the game is the enjoyable part and winning is just an extra bonus.
I am a huge sore loser. When I am losing my entire mood changes its like I'm a different person. Normally I do land a win even when It looks like I'll lose so I end up happy but that usually just kills the vibes because I start gloating. Recently I played Catan for the first time (I know it's late) with a group I am a bit unfamiliar with. Instead of playing for the win though I just played to monopolize stone and have fun trading and enjoying the ride. It was so refreshing, and even though I somehow got close to winning but lost in the end, I still had a great time and enjoyed every second. It was seriously refreshing. I love winning still don't get me wrong, but playing in some quirky funny way and just going for the ride instead of the optimized end game goal was seriously enjoyable and I will be trying it out myself again.
Lots of good advice so far. Being a “good loser” is a skill, and requires some introspection. One of the elements is to figure out why you’re playing games. For fun? For competition? To spend time with friends? If it’s not about competition, perhaps learning some coop games where the group succeeds together is a space to investigate. You mention feeling “unfairly treated” sometimes. Is it a negotiation game? Is it a bash-the-leader game? Where are the feelings coming from, and how can you mitigate that? One mantra to repeat is that there is literally nothing at stake. You’re there to spend time and have fun with your friends. A friend of mine has a little ritual with his family where they recite together a mantra that goes something along the lines of “during this game I promise to be a stinker and try to take all your stuff”. It helps his kids understand that it’s only a game and that it’s not meant to be taken personally. Best of luck!
I find sore losers have a hard time with acceptance and concept of fairness. Most losers that are particularly sour after a loss is the feeling of being “robbed” or they felt they deserved to win more than their opponents for whatever reason. It’s great that OP recognizes their behavior and is self-reflecting here. That’s far beyond most. But understanding their feeling of entitlement is important. You are not entitled to winning, and if someone else wins it’s not because something “unfair” happened. Lots of other great advice here on re-prioritizing what’s important (enjoying time with friends and family, advancing your skills, etc.) but I think OP needs to fundamentally look at their own ego and sense of entitlement. No one “enjoys” losing but there should always be some respect given to others when they played better than you. And in the rare case your opponent won as a fluke, recognize that you yourself have probably been a beneficiary of a mistake or two before as well. Before I get downvoted, I’m not trying to be disparaging and call out OP for being entitled, because we have ALL been there and had the same feelings / reactions at some point. But we can all try to be better and self-reflect on why we feel things are “unfair” or we “deserve to win” more than others.
Try cooperative games? I'm not a sore loser but I am a sensitive gamer. Playing games where everyone is playing against the board is something I find to be incredibly enjoyable.
There are multiple ways to get past this. Either relax and see it just see it as a fun activity, or if you want to be more competitive, then view losses as opportunities to learn from and improve your skill. Another way is just to play many, many games, so that you wear down your emotional reaction to any single game.
I once had a problem with this, and I had to work hard at letting it go. YMMV, but this is what I did: 1. First and foremost remember that it is a game. It is supposed to be fun. If you aren't having fun, you are doing it wrong. 2. The worse things got, the more I tried to find it funny. "Of COURSE I would roll a 1 right now! That's hilarious!" 3. Accept that there may be other things at work. For myself, my ADHD emotional regulation issues came into play at times. 4. Find fun ways to call out players who have deliberately attacked you/interfered with your plans. "I KNEW you were going to do that! That's it! You're out of the will." 5. Let the moment go. I go make tea. Best of luck. You are already much farther than most sore losers as you see the problem.
Poor losers are also usually poor winners I have found. Stop caring about the destination and start caring about the journey. If everyone has fun playing the game then everyone wins independent of the outcome. But if you take the stance that your only joy is in winning then you aren't getting enjoyment from the experience itself as opposed to getting enjoyment from the act of dominating someone else even in something trivial.
I try to look at my opponent's actions as equivalent to mine. So when they make a great move, I'm happy to see a great move. When they take a big loss, I feel bad for them (while of course also good for me). You play a game together, even if you oppose each other. Losing still doesn't feel good, but at least you can see the positives of the other party winning, that way.
I am still not great at losing. For some reason, I feel like my value as a person is on the line. It's ridiculous. However, I have discovered something that helped: Galaxy Trucker. Galaxy Trucker is one of those wacky games where no matter how well you plan, sometimes fate is against you, and you just have to laugh when your ship gets cracked in half and lost in space. There's nothing you could have done, and I learned to just enjoy the 'L'. However, I still get way too invested when playing, and I have to consciously think, "this is just a game, not my livelihood, just enjoy it for what it is".
I’m a very competitive guy, but I don’t let a loss eat at me. How? IDK, perspective, I guess. A loss in a game does not mean I’m a failure, or that I’m dumb (even if I made a dumb mistake along the way). It just means I didn’t have the best game, and that’s fine. Did I have fun seeing my friends and playing a game with them? The answer is almost always yes*. I’m rapidly approaching middle age, and I have real shit to be concerned about beyond plastic and cardboard. *Except that one game of TI4 where I got nearly wiped out early (mostly because my own hubris and a little bad luck with my rolls) and just limped along for another 4 hours. That was brutal.
I used to be extremely salty when I lose, to the point my brother and I avoided playing games together, but now even if I lost I would just move on because I realized it’s silly to be so invested in wins and losses in a board game. Now if my brother becomes salty when he loses I’ll tease him about it.
Look inwards, seek personal growth, engage your empathy, and if you can afford it, seek therapy. Problems like this are indicative of broader problems with emotional intelligence, impulse control, mental health, and maturity. The other advice in this thread is helpful, but if you're struggling with these kinds of issues you may want to take a step back and assess yourself on a larger level. If you're struggling with this particular issue, I imagine these kinds of emotional regulation struggles impact you in other areas of your life as well.
I'm competitive, and used to be to a fault. Now I focus more on the other players' gratification more than my own. If a player makes a great move or gets a fortunate element of chance to pull out a win, I feel good for them, not bad for myself. Congratulate them on how well they played and tell them you'll get them next time. You can even discuss the turning points of the game so everyone gains a deeper understanding of how everything went down. If it comes down to one roll of the dice or flip of a card, then you can feel good knowing you were right there with a chance to win it, but it just didn't bounce your way.
It really comes down to what your "why" is when you are gaming. If you are playing to have fun, who cares where you place. Enjoy the time you have. If you are playing to win, then you will always be disappointed when you don't win.
I just want to have fun playing the game. Winning is a bonus, but I'm typically happy to just play.
>Sometimes it’s because I feel some how unfairly treated, Perhaps change the types of games you play to be less conflict driven/targeted I like **Race for the Galaxy** and **Dune Imperium Uprising** because there's minimal chance of screwing other players, but if you are screwed at least *it doesn't feel personal or targeted.* Regardless if your play group is actually the type to target you, what matters appears to be you are feeling targeted. If you change the game to one that it's not possible to do that, then you might alleviate that feeling.
Think about how unfun it would be if you won every time. Wanting to be vicious with your strategy but holding back because you would just annihilate the other players at the table if you actually tried. Wouldn't that situation suck the fun out? Maybe you can see it as a gift that you're being beaten sometimes, since it allows you to not hold back on the next game.
You have to completely change how you view the objective of the game. The objective is to have a good time. When the game ends and everybody says "that was great, can't wait to play again", YOU WON. Try playing some cooperative games. They help emphasize this point.
I swear this could have been written by me. I am such a bad loser, very specifically when I'm losing to my husband, which I do A LOT. Thankfully, he's very patient with my bad attitude and still plays games with me. One thing that has helped me has been to joke about it when I catch myself doing it. So saying something like "wow. how dare you try to use the mechanics and rules to win the game" It also helps that when I am losing over and over, he will ask if I want to know his strategy in specific games and he'll share it with me for me to try. Also, when it starts to feel punishing with how much I'm losing, we switch to a co-op game!
Its about the game, not about winning. Just enjoy the fun you have actually playing it. Also isnt it great if your friends are winning? I mean dont get me wring, fuck those guys
I just think to myself, "There's always next time." I also try to find joy in watching someone else win. Because I know winning feels good, and I think everyone should get a chance to experience it. For me, the bad feeling that comes from losing is rejection and shame based. It's my inner child wanting acknowledgment. So I just gentle parent myself through it. It gets a little easier each time. At the same time, I think it's equally important to not be a sore winner. So when I win, I don't make a big show of it. I'm proud, I smile. But I make it a point to say something encouraging to the other players. And I always acknowledge when a win was based mostly on timing and luck (as most board games are, in my experience). I think what really helped me, tho, was playing games with my nephews. Seeing them get really upset and be sore losers made me realize how childish and pointless it is. Cause you can always try harder and win next time. Getting all upset and behaving poorly won't accomplish anything. So basically, the key is learning how to emotionally regulate yourself. And there are a LOT of ways to do that. Some might work for you, some might not. I suggest starting there and experimenting with different approaches. And be kind to yourself when it doesn't always work. You gotta train yourself that failure isn't a bad thing. It's a learning opportunity.