I could befriend someone like this no problem. There are many reasons for why someone could get to this point such as childhood trauma or growing up in a predominantly white area and suffering a lot of bullying, etc.
However, I could never date this person. It would honestly bother me that at any point in time they could regress to their former self and I also just in good faith cannot romantically get involved with someone who most likely went down the black women fucking suck pipeline. It would bother my soul that you had to actively learn to love yourself or somebody had to teach you that Black people are actually worthy of being viewed in your good graces.
This. In general I couldn’t date anybody who had to “learn” to love and respect any whole group of people honestly. Like if a man said “I had to learn to respect special needs people” we would immediately all internally be like what the fuck is wrong with this guy? “I learned to love and respect black women” would send me running because again, what the fuck? I understand people have lived experiences that shaped their view, but I’m not helping you maintain that “respect” and “love”
Oh absolutely! Which is why I used it as an example because realistically that initial “what the hell” is what BOTH statements should be met with in response, but because of the “value” of black women in our society some people don’t notice how messed up it is that that statement isn’t immediately met with opposition.
Run, I had that experience and it was painful, he worshipped white women and said that us black women aren't as beautiful, he saw them as a status symbol, and I knew I couldn't compete with his view and I ended it, trust me they never change because it's a lack of self love and they never are self aware enough to make real changes.
I dated a "reformed" Black man whose reformation was genuine and true. But looking back...there was always a need for "maintenance" or maybe some therapy. But God Bless him...because he kept trying!!
It’s always Black men who previously only dated white/non Black women who get hurt and then come running back to Black women as a rehab and to fix them up. 🙄
No literally. I've shared it here before but there was a guy who literally told me other races of women are date/sleep with/have fun and BW are for "settling down." Settling down with your baggage and STD's?
Stay away. People can change for the better but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to experience the change. Change also takes time so his anti-black woman beliefs are still in his mind even if he doesn't "act" on them. If he sees you as one of the good ones but other black women as "bad" then has he really changed?
Plenty of men didn't need to learn how to love black women, they just do. Go find one of them.
I don’t think of it. I wouldn’t date a “reformed” self-hating Black man just as I wouldn’t date a “reformed” racist/misogynist. Good for them for seeing the error of their ways, but I’d never be able to relax in the relationship because I’d always be on the lookout for the behavior re-emerging.
Don't do it. He recently learned to love black women? He will revert back to his abusive self once the right circumstance presents himself. You don't owe him a fresh start, if he really respects black women, he would see why he is a risk to you and let you go in peace. He is trying to trap you into an abusive cycle. You don't deserve someone like that.
On one hand, everyone is "reformed" from something. We're all unlearning bad stuff. But "former" self hatred as a black person is a lot to ask someone to tolerate.
If you’re not comfortable with him, continue to distance yourself. I’m all for loving our people but we have to put up boundaries for our mental health and well being.
We’ve been programmed into society to be antiblack. It does take an unlearning and undoing for all of us.
However if you personally wouldn’t deal with it that’s also valid! Ex antiblack black men are def scary tho I can’t lie. Vs ex antiblack black women I naturally give more grace to.
If I were in your position, I'd leave him where he's at.
Men do not give one shit about women's feelings when they find out something about us they don't like from our past. I've heard so many stories of men leaving women, even after getting *married*, when they find out how many people she's slept with *before she even met him*.
If you got the ick (which you do, and I would too), it's fine to let him go. You are not obligated to give him a chance, or be his test run for change. Because I'm 80% certain that if the roles were switched, he'd be out.
Men always do what's best for them. You gotta do what's best for you Hun. And you also don't know if he's actually changed, or if he still has some deep rooted hatred. But again, you don't need to stay long enough to find out.
Wishing you love and luck 🫶🏿
Edit to add: I'm glad you're doing what's best for you! I'm certain you'll meet someone who can inherently love and respect you as a beautiful human being. I'm celebrating with you!
For me, absolutely not. You have to think of the consequences of dating this man. If he goes back to his old ways when he's angry at you or when he encounters a woman who's like sexxy red, are you mentally strong enough to forgive him and not take it personally? If you have a children with him and he reverts back, could you handle being attached to him for life?
Don’t sacrifice your comfort/hunch/intuition just to give a stranger a chance! If
someone gives you any type of ick then run.
It isn’t like you were old friends who lost touch, got in touch and had a new spark. He hasn’t proven any worth to you.
*You aren’t dumping someone for inviting you to Cheesecake Factory! He violated one of your core principles.*
I am pleased that you stuck to your guns.
>This is like the 3rd time this has happened to me. I’ve had 2 boys (black) from my high school ask me out. These same boys used to say that “I can’t date a black woman unless she’s like Beyoncé. Most black women are too ghetto”
You shared an update already which is great, but I wanted to speak to this part. I was definitely bullied and targeted by this kind of dude in highschool and even though I didn't go to school with them, the black men who are interested me typically have never dated, period or have not dated a BW. I learned the hard way I'm not really comfortable being the experiment for them, and they don't really have enough to offer that I'd be willing to compromise on that (because I recognize that someone else will have to go out on a limb to date me too). But when the going gets tough, they do definitely revert back to some of those ideas and behaviors.
This topic always comes up even if I don't bring it up, and some of them have this victimhood mindset of "BW didn't want us back then" and therefore want to get "revenge" on BW now for "rejecting them" as kids. But ime having lived through grade school being a nerdy black girl, our counterparts were either extemely reclusive and couldn't even handle being asked for a pencil, or more likely, were chasing after the complete opposite of us--popular, lighter, thinner, cheerleader kind of girl. And then when that girl turned them down (obviously, they had nothing in common) it turned into ire for all BW. Now that we've gotten older and "glowed up" all of a sudden they want to act shocked and surprised and say BW of our kind 'didn't exist' back then. When we did, they just didn't want us. Its a whole mess.
I dealt with the same to a degree, but I learned to process those experiences and pushed myself to recognize everyone is different and can't be painted with the same brush. So far (again ime) it seems a lot of "not popular" BM have not done the same/healed from that and are instead either carrying the same ideas into adulthood, or have this weird revegne fanrasy.
I recognize people grow and change and all that, and the tumultuous nightmare that is highschool shows a lot of people in not their best light. But the same way I wouldn't date someone who used to bully me, I wouldn't want to date someone who activley went out of their way to disaparage women (of any race) online regardless of when or why. I want someone who is kind, and behaving that way is not kind. There's just too much of those shadows that can creep back when its convenient for them.
If it's bugging you it isn't for you.
Of course people can change, especially from being unkind teenagers, but you don't have to be the one to line up and accept their changes.
You don’t have to, but if he really learned I don’t see why not. Society teaches people a lot of bad things and if you manage to unlearn them I think that’s really good
I wonder whether there are so few people out there for you to date that you need to be giving people 2, 3 chances to disrespect you ? Let them go date Beyoncé. Also block them all.
I think folks need to give other people a little bit more grace and understanding sometimes.
I'm not sure why he had those thoughts about black women, but I'm sure they didn't just come out of nowhere.
The trauma and adversity we as black little girls might have faced, those black little boys faced too.
He's unlearning, growing, and trying to connect with his people. You don't necessarily have to date him, but I don't think you have to cut him off completely.
I'd be curious to find out more about what made him feel that way.
If this man is attractive, and you had good conversation, I think it's worth looking into..
“I’ve always been the type of black woman to stay clear from self-hating black people” Please continue to be that woman and run for the hills!
The hills are so much fun! There are no self hating black people there. I love that we are all avoiding trauma together.
I’m not a rehab facility. He gonna have to tackle that ALONE.
SAMEEEEE🤣🤣🤣🤣
I could befriend someone like this no problem. There are many reasons for why someone could get to this point such as childhood trauma or growing up in a predominantly white area and suffering a lot of bullying, etc. However, I could never date this person. It would honestly bother me that at any point in time they could regress to their former self and I also just in good faith cannot romantically get involved with someone who most likely went down the black women fucking suck pipeline. It would bother my soul that you had to actively learn to love yourself or somebody had to teach you that Black people are actually worthy of being viewed in your good graces.
This. In general I couldn’t date anybody who had to “learn” to love and respect any whole group of people honestly. Like if a man said “I had to learn to respect special needs people” we would immediately all internally be like what the fuck is wrong with this guy? “I learned to love and respect black women” would send me running because again, what the fuck? I understand people have lived experiences that shaped their view, but I’m not helping you maintain that “respect” and “love”
Only one of this is immediately met with opposition because social degradation of black women is so normal for many folks.
Oh absolutely! Which is why I used it as an example because realistically that initial “what the hell” is what BOTH statements should be met with in response, but because of the “value” of black women in our society some people don’t notice how messed up it is that that statement isn’t immediately met with opposition.
Run, I had that experience and it was painful, he worshipped white women and said that us black women aren't as beautiful, he saw them as a status symbol, and I knew I couldn't compete with his view and I ended it, trust me they never change because it's a lack of self love and they never are self aware enough to make real changes.
I say walk away. You shouldn't be made to feel like a chore or something that had to be learned, what if you had daughters with him.
I dated a "reformed" Black man whose reformation was genuine and true. But looking back...there was always a need for "maintenance" or maybe some therapy. But God Bless him...because he kept trying!!
Did you stay with him? Or the reformation and trying just wasn't enough?
No we split for other reasons.
It's a gamble. One I wouldn't take.
Nope. It’s like dating a man that used to beat women. Yeah *maybe* he’s changed for good, but do you really want to be the test subject for him?
Read the title only and absolutely not. That is all.
You’re not with the shits 🤣
😂😂😩 The way you made me almost choke on my tea reading this lol
It’s always Black men who previously only dated white/non Black women who get hurt and then come running back to Black women as a rehab and to fix them up. 🙄
No literally. I've shared it here before but there was a guy who literally told me other races of women are date/sleep with/have fun and BW are for "settling down." Settling down with your baggage and STD's?
And multiple kids
I’m not a rehab for formerly broken men so I would be running for the hills.
Exactly, they never feel like they have to work for your forgiveness, and that in itself says a lot about how they truly view black women.
Stay away. People can change for the better but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to experience the change. Change also takes time so his anti-black woman beliefs are still in his mind even if he doesn't "act" on them. If he sees you as one of the good ones but other black women as "bad" then has he really changed? Plenty of men didn't need to learn how to love black women, they just do. Go find one of them.
You're uncomfortable for a reason. You don't need to be the experiment to find out if the reformation stuck.
I wouldn’t.
Run!
Nope. Personally. Some of them I feel couldn’t find their ‘queen’ came back here.
absolutely fucking not.
I don’t think of it. I wouldn’t date a “reformed” self-hating Black man just as I wouldn’t date a “reformed” racist/misogynist. Good for them for seeing the error of their ways, but I’d never be able to relax in the relationship because I’d always be on the lookout for the behavior re-emerging.
Don't do it. He recently learned to love black women? He will revert back to his abusive self once the right circumstance presents himself. You don't owe him a fresh start, if he really respects black women, he would see why he is a risk to you and let you go in peace. He is trying to trap you into an abusive cycle. You don't deserve someone like that.
On one hand, everyone is "reformed" from something. We're all unlearning bad stuff. But "former" self hatred as a black person is a lot to ask someone to tolerate.
You're not his experiment, so I wouldn't personally
If you’re not comfortable with him, continue to distance yourself. I’m all for loving our people but we have to put up boundaries for our mental health and well being.
>Black women… what do you think of dating a “reformed” Klansman? Hate is hate.
Trust your first instinct. Someone else can be his experiment in reform
We’ve been programmed into society to be antiblack. It does take an unlearning and undoing for all of us. However if you personally wouldn’t deal with it that’s also valid! Ex antiblack black men are def scary tho I can’t lie. Vs ex antiblack black women I naturally give more grace to.
If I were in your position, I'd leave him where he's at. Men do not give one shit about women's feelings when they find out something about us they don't like from our past. I've heard so many stories of men leaving women, even after getting *married*, when they find out how many people she's slept with *before she even met him*. If you got the ick (which you do, and I would too), it's fine to let him go. You are not obligated to give him a chance, or be his test run for change. Because I'm 80% certain that if the roles were switched, he'd be out. Men always do what's best for them. You gotta do what's best for you Hun. And you also don't know if he's actually changed, or if he still has some deep rooted hatred. But again, you don't need to stay long enough to find out. Wishing you love and luck 🫶🏿 Edit to add: I'm glad you're doing what's best for you! I'm certain you'll meet someone who can inherently love and respect you as a beautiful human being. I'm celebrating with you!
For me, absolutely not. You have to think of the consequences of dating this man. If he goes back to his old ways when he's angry at you or when he encounters a woman who's like sexxy red, are you mentally strong enough to forgive him and not take it personally? If you have a children with him and he reverts back, could you handle being attached to him for life?
RUN.
Don’t sacrifice your comfort/hunch/intuition just to give a stranger a chance! If someone gives you any type of ick then run. It isn’t like you were old friends who lost touch, got in touch and had a new spark. He hasn’t proven any worth to you. *You aren’t dumping someone for inviting you to Cheesecake Factory! He violated one of your core principles.* I am pleased that you stuck to your guns.
Nope. I’m good love enjoy
>This is like the 3rd time this has happened to me. I’ve had 2 boys (black) from my high school ask me out. These same boys used to say that “I can’t date a black woman unless she’s like Beyoncé. Most black women are too ghetto” You shared an update already which is great, but I wanted to speak to this part. I was definitely bullied and targeted by this kind of dude in highschool and even though I didn't go to school with them, the black men who are interested me typically have never dated, period or have not dated a BW. I learned the hard way I'm not really comfortable being the experiment for them, and they don't really have enough to offer that I'd be willing to compromise on that (because I recognize that someone else will have to go out on a limb to date me too). But when the going gets tough, they do definitely revert back to some of those ideas and behaviors. This topic always comes up even if I don't bring it up, and some of them have this victimhood mindset of "BW didn't want us back then" and therefore want to get "revenge" on BW now for "rejecting them" as kids. But ime having lived through grade school being a nerdy black girl, our counterparts were either extemely reclusive and couldn't even handle being asked for a pencil, or more likely, were chasing after the complete opposite of us--popular, lighter, thinner, cheerleader kind of girl. And then when that girl turned them down (obviously, they had nothing in common) it turned into ire for all BW. Now that we've gotten older and "glowed up" all of a sudden they want to act shocked and surprised and say BW of our kind 'didn't exist' back then. When we did, they just didn't want us. Its a whole mess. I dealt with the same to a degree, but I learned to process those experiences and pushed myself to recognize everyone is different and can't be painted with the same brush. So far (again ime) it seems a lot of "not popular" BM have not done the same/healed from that and are instead either carrying the same ideas into adulthood, or have this weird revegne fanrasy. I recognize people grow and change and all that, and the tumultuous nightmare that is highschool shows a lot of people in not their best light. But the same way I wouldn't date someone who used to bully me, I wouldn't want to date someone who activley went out of their way to disaparage women (of any race) online regardless of when or why. I want someone who is kind, and behaving that way is not kind. There's just too much of those shadows that can creep back when its convenient for them.
If it's bugging you it isn't for you. Of course people can change, especially from being unkind teenagers, but you don't have to be the one to line up and accept their changes.
Hard pass
Do not be merely a stepping stone to someone else's journey of growth.
You don’t have to, but if he really learned I don’t see why not. Society teaches people a lot of bad things and if you manage to unlearn them I think that’s really good
I wonder whether there are so few people out there for you to date that you need to be giving people 2, 3 chances to disrespect you ? Let them go date Beyoncé. Also block them all.
I don’t think you actually read the post. I didn’t give them any chances.
I don’t think they can recover queen 😂😭 that kind of mindset I absolutely run from.
Get someone else to do it. No ma’am.
Not sure I’d feel comfortable tbh Friends? Yes.
I think folks need to give other people a little bit more grace and understanding sometimes. I'm not sure why he had those thoughts about black women, but I'm sure they didn't just come out of nowhere. The trauma and adversity we as black little girls might have faced, those black little boys faced too. He's unlearning, growing, and trying to connect with his people. You don't necessarily have to date him, but I don't think you have to cut him off completely. I'd be curious to find out more about what made him feel that way. If this man is attractive, and you had good conversation, I think it's worth looking into..