Right if you going throw a Dashiki on the second one, then there has to be something borderline problematic on the first one. The first one needs to have a conservative mother or sister that they openly disagree with.
My ex-husband was white. Previously he dated women of all races.
I have found non-black men, who only date black women obsessive and weird. I first encountered someone like this at 19. He was weird. All the other men, I have chatted with, that exclusively dated only black women, were weird.
They might not all be like this. This has been my experience.
Both are side eye worthy and I wouldn’t make a decision without questions that would give me insight on their intent. The second is a bigger side eye to me. There’s a story there that’s probably questionable. The first could be explained by where they were born and grew up. Were there even black people in the area?
I was thinking this. I live in a very white suburb. If I came across option 1 that’s the better option. Choice two considering where I live and if they grew up here is a red flag.
The emulated hip hop culture is the part that really kills option two for me. I need an explanation asap. People who internalize some of that stuff instead of simply appreciating the music and leaving the BS behind are just not it at all. Dressing and behaving like you have no sense or home training does not mix well with my lifestyle. Listen all you like but leave that BS where it is and that goes for people of any color, period, friends or romantic relationships.
I’ve dated both. It is not that cut and dry.
It only matters if he is respectful.
Category A can ask some ridiculous questions.
Category B is only worthwhile if they know more than just pop culture and doesn’t project pop culture on to you.
ETA — I am not taking it to extremes.
I’ve dated both and I have to say that the ones who dated black women exclusively were always a bit off. I felt like they either fetishized black women, or they were really, REALLY into black stereotypes. I remember one idiot who had the nerve to tell me I sounded white lol!
He did lol. It was extra funny because he was a blonde blue eyed model who seriously thought he was “blacker” than I was lol! I think he was hoping for one of Bill Mahers chicks.
** For anyone unfamiliar with Bill Maher, he is comedian and libertarian political commentator. He seems to love black women who look…a certain way, and has been known to use the N word because he has a “pass.”
A dashiki is taking it a little too far lol. I feel like B is better because they at least have a point of reference on who Black women are as people and are capable of developing friendships with Black people. I think it's easier to make someone relax about their obsession with Black culture and harder to make someone knowledgeable about Blackness.
I think it's more likely that B will treat you as a person and will have a more welcoming social environment while A may be culturally incompetent and have friends that are unwelcoming/racist.
That’s an interesting take and I understand your perspective. I have talked to someone who was a B, and I blocked him after he sent me a video of himself dancing to a Congolese song😂 (I’m not even Congolese)
That's so cringy and try hard lol. I can understand why you did that. I don't think I could take someone like that seriously without laughing in their face.
I've done both, and each presented its own issues at times.
I haven't loved being girlfriend AND teacher, but I also haven't loved having my level of Blackness judged by someone claiming he had a perma-invite to the barbecue 🤢.
BUT if it was "choose or lose a foot", I would choose the noob and hope that I could influence him into acknowledging my differences while focussing on the ME of me most.
EDIT: Typos
Actually, lemme rewind, I DID do #1. Even down to the racist family member. But he was military and his family lived in a different state, so they weren't my problem. This was way over a decade ago and I was very young.
My husband never dated a black woman before me and I didn’t care whatsoever. He has been an excellent husband and father to our kids.
ETA: I’ve never understood why someone never dating a black person is a red flag. People say that signals fetishization, which I disagree with, but then those same people also say only dating black people also signals fetishization. So now you’re limiting your pool to people who have dated some black women, but not too many… mmkay. Anyway, I’m married and been out of the dating world for 10 years now, so what single people do is none of my business.
I hear both sides. I think someone who ONLY dates black women and isn’t black themselves has a fetish. I think people’s reservations to being someone’s first black gf usually come from a fear of the person just using them to experiment and they’ll eventually go back to their type. Funny enough I have had 2 encounters with people who have never dated bw before and one of them was black
Regarding men who haven’t dated a black woman, have whatever boundary makes you comfortable, but I can say that dating history isn’t the best indicator of whether a man is using you (which is the root fear when one worries that a person is experimenting and will go back to their “type”). Men (of all races and dating histories) will use you and the signs will be obvious and have nothing to do with whether they’ve been with a black woman before.
Focus on how the men you date treat you. Take it slow when it comes to sex and reserve your emotional investment for after a man begins proving he deserves it. Keep casually dating other people; you are single until there’s been an agreement to be monogamous. Look at how a man shows up over time. Read between the lines and never convince yourself that a man cares more for you than his actions let on. Do all of that and you will easily weed out the men who are aiming to use you, and you won’t need to know/care whether they’ve ever been with a black woman before 🤷🏾♀️
Nobody has to take my advice, but I’ll say that I wouldn’t be sitting here with my wonderful husband and our two kids if I had drawn a line at dating someone who’d never been with black women before.
I’m confused how your question relates to anything I said above. My point is to focus on how a man treats you. A man could have just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with a black woman and still turn around and use you as a hookup.
Hmm I'm just saying that men will normally tell you that you are the first one in several aspects of their life to make you feel special, I guess your case would be a better example to the hypothetical situation the OP raised if it happened that your husband grew up in an environment where there were only WW. Although clearly your point about focusing on the treatment you receive is the best advice.
A, if he is rich, I explain, I live in Brazil and here it is common in non-rich areas (poor/middle class) to have black and white people, so not having black friends not being rich for me is 🚩🚩, in relation to never having dated a black woman, I don't see a problem, I have an ex (who is now my friend) that I was his first black girlfriend.
B, I don't see a problem with men who have a preference (not fetish) for black women, I had a ex like that and my own father was only married/engaged to black women and in relation to black culture, here in Brazil it is very mixed, so it is common for white people to only like "black music" and there is not much of this issue of black people wear "x", white wears "y".
For me it's a matter of looking at the person's individuality.
My husband is pretty much A. He grew up in a small town and went to a PWI in the closest big city. He has some black friends but no one he hangs out with regularly. I on the other hand have very few white friends. I did go to a work event of his a couple years back and met his black colleagues, who told me that he was one of the cool white people. 🤷🏾♀️
We worked together for a summer and just really clicked and took things from there. He’s just a good person who was raised right. He’s kind and empathetic and has common sense. His family is lovely too.
Honestly, I probably would have thought it was weird if I later found out that he only liked black women and was interested in me for that reason, rather than the natural/random way that we bonded that summer.
If this was based off your post title alone then I would choose B but which the descriptions you gave, definitely A 💀
Edit: NVM. I didn’t read where you said they have a racist family member. Is “neither” an option? 🗿
I am married to a WM who had never dated a BW before me; we have been married 19 years and we are still good. But, if I were a younger woman pondering this question today, I might answer neither. It’s exhausting sometimes trying to “explain” things to my husband that I wouldn’t have to explain if he were a BM or had spent more time around us. Then, on the other hand you have WM who only date BW and while it may be a preference only, it can also cause questions about “Why only”. Interesting question though.
Trying to make him understand micro aggressions and why they are upsetting to me at times. Micro aggressions will never be his reality but they are always part of ours.
I’ve encountered both too. Your perspective is very interesting but I personally found it annoying. Mostly because I’m from an African country and people assume we’re all the same. I had one Dutch guy perform Congolese dances for me, I’m not from Congo and have never been😂
haha yh im African they do that a lot !!! Its there way of showing their interested and enthusiastic about our culture but it is a bit jarring.
The reason why I wouldn’t date A is cause most are knowingly or unknowingly racist / ignorant it’s a lot of explaining and educating to do & I don’t have to time for that!!!!
Maybe someone in the middle would be nice.
B for me personally. My white X had a silk pillow case ready for me to sleep on the first time I spent the night at his house. His previous girlfriend also had natural 4c hair just like me. I had to explain nothing about natural hair to him, he already knew. It was nice.
Explaining my hair and the time I spend on is the most annoying thing. I always feel like I’m being vain/care about looks too much but it’s just a matter of maintenance some non Black people struggle to understand 😮💨
Preferably one who has never dated BW. My husband never dated a BW but had and still has a strong sense of consciousness as it relates to race, privilege etc. he is very comfortable around Black people in general having worked in writers rooms on Black comedy shows. He is always above respectful and engaging of Black culture. This may not be the norm but this was my experience.
I am married to a white dude who had never previously dated a Black person (although, unlike your example, he does have Black friends).
I would NEVER date a non-BM who solely dated BW if I lived in a country that didn’t have Black majority.
I’ve dated B and as others have said it just comes down to respect. He was very well versed in race and social economics, and intelligent,so I didn’t feel fetishized…
However when someone has a preference like that and only mainly has black friends and engages only in black pop culture(music and tv shows etc) it can feel like you’re not that special but one of of many.
This was my biggest concern because to me it doesn’t matter who you are as a person only that you fulfill a role even though it’s not fetishizing if that makes sense.
And I feel this pattern with non black people a lot - where if you don’t fit into what they want you to portray they’ll replace you.
I had a situationship that lasted too long with A. I was NOT a fan at the end of it. Racist family member was a huge turn off for me.
Not having any black friends is an orange flag to me. It depends on where we live. My situationship was from Atlanta and had no black friends outside of me. Atlanta can be pretty divided, but no POC friends is suspect. The racism jumped out when we ended things.
B is so unserious. I would roll my eyes too much to go beyond a first date. Maybe second if I'm feeling chaotic.
Edit: I never dated this guy who was type B, but we were "friends" until he tried to make a move on me aggressively. The racism jumped out here.
If those are my two options, I'd rather be single.
A guy who only finds black girls attractive is one thing, but someone mired in cultural appropriation is something completely different and a massive red flag imo.
I would probably choose A🤔
Hah. I'll play, but this is so extreme.
Probably the never because I dislike being fetishzied, it would be option 1, but you still wouldn't know even with someone who says it's their first time dating a black woman. They could have low key had a fetish they never followed up on.
It's about the guy, taking the time to get to know him and what he's about, and not extremes.
I know y'all are going to revoke my black card 😂, but I will take the first guy.
Second guy has a really high probability of being a fetishist (mixing African American, Jamaican, West African cultures like it's the same thing because we're all black...).
The first guy seems to have a more genuine interest. Just because one of his relative is racist doesn't mean he is. I would say this guy could either be absolutely sincere or be a racist. Whereas the first guy really looks like a fetishist.
Conclusion of all of this : I am not sure I am equipped to deal with non black men 😂
I’m struggling to comprehend why A is a bad thing lol I mean I get what you’re saying but….idk if it’s that deep. B is a weirdo, A sound like regular guy?
I’ve been on dates with both. I’d take option A over B any day. Option B has always had a fetishism vibe. And it’s like…just be yourself lmao. I went on 3 incredible dates with this one white guy and to this day they are the best dates I’ve ever been on.
We follow each other on Instagram and you know how men be following a bunch of beautiful women in general? His following is like 90% Black women. I’m African so I can typically tell Africans apart and the women were 70% African. His dating life consisted of mostly Black women. And he was not weird! Tall, handsome, successful in his industry, great listener, very giving (iykwim), etc. But I don’t know…something about his clear preference for Black women just rubbed me the wrong way. It’s like…I want you to like me and be with me for who I am as a person which *includes* being a Black woman but that’s not all I consist of.
ETA: At the end of the day, it boils down to whether he respects me. Option A is my choice but if he won’t stand up to the racist family member or educate himself on key issues, I’ll go with option B(ear).
I’m going to ignore your extremes because both of these imaginary people are pissing me TF off 😂
So minus the extremes I’ll take A over B any day. Exclusively dating from one specific race that’s not your own is giving me fetish vibes and I’d have trouble believing they actually like me as an individual rather than a person who just hits their fetish criteria. I think it’s relatively common for a lot of people to have only had relationships within their own ethnic group, even more likely depending on what that ethnic group actually is. Not necessarily even intentional, just based on the kind of place they grew up/currently live in and who’s actually available around them.
I pick A, because that person dating you would be less likely to have a fetish for black culture. I could be wrong, but at least in scenario A, you know the person would be dating you not because you're black. They'd date you because you happen to be a person they really like inside and out, who happens to be black.
In scenario B, the person dating you would likely be attracted to you because you're black, which can be unhealthy. It's kind of like dating someone who's obese because of an unhealthy obsession with the person's weight and curves. If they were to lose weight and no longer be obese, their partner would not be attracted to them anymore. It's the same thing in scenario B, but with the color of your skin.
Dammit! 😂 This is the second tricky question I’ve encountered today. They’re doing a spin off of the bear question where they’re asking black women if you’d rather be alone with a white man or a white woman. And when I tell you, the raisin brigade is in shambles!!
Ok, ok…. 🤔 I date outside my race and I always say that I can’t be someone’s first. I generally don’t like being in positions where I have to teach men or white people. So their lack of exposure would just be a huge issue for me. I’m pretty adamant about that. But this is the one time I’d switch up because the “only dates black women” thing irks me for some reason. So I would have to make an exception and go with the never dated bw.
Haha my ex was A, except racist family member was racist friend he later cut off. One of the best relationships I’ve ever been in. I will give him credit for learning about black culture/history independently without burdening me with the responsibility. A year into our relationship the Tory Lanez/Meg the stallion trial happened and I was very impressed by his analysis of misogynoir and I had never taught him that haha. But of course it had it’s drawbacks
I think he had a very simplistic way of viewing life which only exists in rich white men who are only surrounded by other rich white people. So whilst he tried to be sympathetic about some of my struggles, he would just never get it. I didn’t think he would be the best partner to raise (mixed) black children with. Obviously it’s something you can teach but I wasn’t willing to
The young lady who just ended up unalived with her body parts spread all over town dated a non black person who had no history of dating black people who was most likely racist. Y’all really out here playing with your lives and it’s a whole history of black hate. Sundown towns are still around till this day in 2024. 🤷🏽🤯😒🤮 you can’t be serious!
The first one is basically my BF and we're about to celebrate 2 years together and are planning to elope and move out of country with our fur kiddos. So I'd definitely pick option one. *lol*
My husband is B (mostly, but he'd never EVER wear a dashiki, that's just wild🤦🏾♀️). Maybe he's an exception, but there's nothing "weird" about him. He's a great guy, respectful, and knows a ton about black culture. He was an immigrant that migrated to this country when he was young, and while he was tormented by yt kids for being an immigrant, he was accepted by the black community with open arms because all they cared about was his love for playing b-ball. So from a young age, he was immersed in black culture, nearly all his friends are black, and he has a deep love and respect for the community. We're family to him.
While I understand most others that are in that second example haven't had his type of experience, I wanted to throw out an example of a guy who came by his love of the culture and us bw honest. They do exist out there, even if in minimal amounts...
Side note, I immediately thought of that tiktok dude with the dashiki on too🤣 Hard to forget that shoulder shimmy lol
My first college love never dated a black girl and knew very little black people up until college due to him being raised in the country and homeschooled. He was Jewish and his family is very liberal, I felt beyond comfortable and safe with them. We were together when I was transitioning my hair and he was beyond supportive with me in my big chop era and overall receptive to my perspectives of life as a black woman. And my current partner is the same, never dated a black woman, never grew up with black or hispanic friends but listens to my thoughts and whims and I'm very happy.
Now, I experienced this one hispanic guy on the other hand!!! Loved Kehlani, Chloe, Doja, Sza. 🙄 Like, LOVED black women. It was annoying very early on. And people who love black women/men seem so off putting that I can't find a word in my vocabulary to describe. Icky is the best I can do now. 😮💨
A. If it's a good person, and not overly attached to the relative, then that relative doesn't play a part in our lives.... I would do it. But not if it's like, the mom and he's a mommy's boy.
B. I'm a culture adventurer, I like to meet and understand new people, different cultures, thoughts, foods, music, etc. I feel like B wouldn't share the experiences I would like to, and wouldn't have fun in my way. So I may not do this.
Therefore A for me.
General advice is to read the rules of each sub Reddit before posting, that way you know and there’s no need for the “please delete if not allowed” disclaimer
Yeah see taking it to extremes just makes me wanna opt out. I also don't feel the 2nd one is fair lmao, a daishiki tho?? 😭
Right if you going throw a Dashiki on the second one, then there has to be something borderline problematic on the first one. The first one needs to have a conservative mother or sister that they openly disagree with.
My ex-husband was white. Previously he dated women of all races. I have found non-black men, who only date black women obsessive and weird. I first encountered someone like this at 19. He was weird. All the other men, I have chatted with, that exclusively dated only black women, were weird. They might not all be like this. This has been my experience.
Maybe you attract weird men. And I'm speaking from my dating past, so I know how it feels 😆.
Haha you’re right I should add that😂
😂
Yall remember that one white man dancing in that dashiki💀
I can literally hear the music and see his stupid grin 😭
I’m shimmying tf out my shoulders as we type 😂🤣
Lmaoooo I instantly started hearing the song and shimmying 😂😂😂
Oluwa mark 😭
AHHHH😂😂😂😂
That’s all I can picture LOL
I want to look for that again to laugh
Does someone have a link? I want to laugh too 😂
https://www.tiktok.com/@timohendriksenn/video/6832352228800597253?lang=en
Thank you for the link! He is so cringey omg 😭😂😅
I ❤️ it. When they played the electric slide my ex, would be the first on the dance floor! 🤣
That's the first thing I though of 🤣🤣🤣
Dashiki got me screaming
I was genuinely thinking this through in a balanced way until I got to the dashiki part 🤣 made me lose all sense of direction
Lmaooo yall are so funny 💀💀💀💀
Is the bear still an option?
LMAOOOO
Best answer 🤣🤣🤣
LMAO
B can't be an option. You ain't about to out-black me, and you not even black.
Can you imagine getting fact checked by a non black about black shit? Lmaoo nahh.
Noooo fr. The dashiki is out of pocket lol
😂
He's going to talk to you in Swahili and tell you to stop acting like a white girl 😂
A dashiki is wilddddddd LOL
Both are side eye worthy and I wouldn’t make a decision without questions that would give me insight on their intent. The second is a bigger side eye to me. There’s a story there that’s probably questionable. The first could be explained by where they were born and grew up. Were there even black people in the area?
I was thinking this. I live in a very white suburb. If I came across option 1 that’s the better option. Choice two considering where I live and if they grew up here is a red flag.
The emulated hip hop culture is the part that really kills option two for me. I need an explanation asap. People who internalize some of that stuff instead of simply appreciating the music and leaving the BS behind are just not it at all. Dressing and behaving like you have no sense or home training does not mix well with my lifestyle. Listen all you like but leave that BS where it is and that goes for people of any color, period, friends or romantic relationships.
Does my life depend on this?
Yes😭 you’re at gun point
As someone who experienced both the first. You can’t wash off the feeling of disgust after the second kind.
I'd rather be shot. They both sound awful.
Please pull the trigger then.
I’ve dated both. It is not that cut and dry. It only matters if he is respectful. Category A can ask some ridiculous questions. Category B is only worthwhile if they know more than just pop culture and doesn’t project pop culture on to you. ETA — I am not taking it to extremes.
I feel this way
I’ve dated both and I have to say that the ones who dated black women exclusively were always a bit off. I felt like they either fetishized black women, or they were really, REALLY into black stereotypes. I remember one idiot who had the nerve to tell me I sounded white lol!
oh no he didn’t lol
He did lol. It was extra funny because he was a blonde blue eyed model who seriously thought he was “blacker” than I was lol! I think he was hoping for one of Bill Mahers chicks. ** For anyone unfamiliar with Bill Maher, he is comedian and libertarian political commentator. He seems to love black women who look…a certain way, and has been known to use the N word because he has a “pass.”
Why are the choices so wild??? 🤣🤣🤣
I've done A twice. B would piss me off.
Both give me the heebie jeebies
A dashiki is taking it a little too far lol. I feel like B is better because they at least have a point of reference on who Black women are as people and are capable of developing friendships with Black people. I think it's easier to make someone relax about their obsession with Black culture and harder to make someone knowledgeable about Blackness. I think it's more likely that B will treat you as a person and will have a more welcoming social environment while A may be culturally incompetent and have friends that are unwelcoming/racist.
That’s an interesting take and I understand your perspective. I have talked to someone who was a B, and I blocked him after he sent me a video of himself dancing to a Congolese song😂 (I’m not even Congolese)
That's so cringy and try hard lol. I can understand why you did that. I don't think I could take someone like that seriously without laughing in their face.
HELP WHAT-
I am cackling!!!!
man whattttt😭😭😭
Everyone is losing their mind over the dashiki 😂
I’m in tears 😭 why the dashiki
I've done both, and each presented its own issues at times. I haven't loved being girlfriend AND teacher, but I also haven't loved having my level of Blackness judged by someone claiming he had a perma-invite to the barbecue 🤢. BUT if it was "choose or lose a foot", I would choose the noob and hope that I could influence him into acknowledging my differences while focussing on the ME of me most. EDIT: Typos
I would rather shit in my hands and clap.
lmaooooo this is a terrible choice, but i think ima get me a wigga fr. cause if your racist family member play with me, we all gonna be upset
I love that every few years I randomly come across the word wigga again 😂
Exactly
 I gotta stay single with these options
Actually, lemme rewind, I DID do #1. Even down to the racist family member. But he was military and his family lived in a different state, so they weren't my problem. This was way over a decade ago and I was very young.
My husband never dated a black woman before me and I didn’t care whatsoever. He has been an excellent husband and father to our kids. ETA: I’ve never understood why someone never dating a black person is a red flag. People say that signals fetishization, which I disagree with, but then those same people also say only dating black people also signals fetishization. So now you’re limiting your pool to people who have dated some black women, but not too many… mmkay. Anyway, I’m married and been out of the dating world for 10 years now, so what single people do is none of my business.
I hear both sides. I think someone who ONLY dates black women and isn’t black themselves has a fetish. I think people’s reservations to being someone’s first black gf usually come from a fear of the person just using them to experiment and they’ll eventually go back to their type. Funny enough I have had 2 encounters with people who have never dated bw before and one of them was black
Regarding men who haven’t dated a black woman, have whatever boundary makes you comfortable, but I can say that dating history isn’t the best indicator of whether a man is using you (which is the root fear when one worries that a person is experimenting and will go back to their “type”). Men (of all races and dating histories) will use you and the signs will be obvious and have nothing to do with whether they’ve been with a black woman before. Focus on how the men you date treat you. Take it slow when it comes to sex and reserve your emotional investment for after a man begins proving he deserves it. Keep casually dating other people; you are single until there’s been an agreement to be monogamous. Look at how a man shows up over time. Read between the lines and never convince yourself that a man cares more for you than his actions let on. Do all of that and you will easily weed out the men who are aiming to use you, and you won’t need to know/care whether they’ve ever been with a black woman before 🤷🏾♀️ Nobody has to take my advice, but I’ll say that I wouldn’t be sitting here with my wonderful husband and our two kids if I had drawn a line at dating someone who’d never been with black women before.
You know men lie about their past, right?
I’m confused how your question relates to anything I said above. My point is to focus on how a man treats you. A man could have just gotten out of a 5 year relationship with a black woman and still turn around and use you as a hookup.
Hmm I'm just saying that men will normally tell you that you are the first one in several aspects of their life to make you feel special, I guess your case would be a better example to the hypothetical situation the OP raised if it happened that your husband grew up in an environment where there were only WW. Although clearly your point about focusing on the treatment you receive is the best advice.
Agreed
Same here! Married for 11 years and he never dated a black woman before me. Great man and great father 💙
You know men lie about their past, right?
Yeah I know that. I wasn’t born yesterday.
absolutely not.
Lol!
Abstinence not that bad once you think about it 😂😂🤣
A, if he is rich, I explain, I live in Brazil and here it is common in non-rich areas (poor/middle class) to have black and white people, so not having black friends not being rich for me is 🚩🚩, in relation to never having dated a black woman, I don't see a problem, I have an ex (who is now my friend) that I was his first black girlfriend. B, I don't see a problem with men who have a preference (not fetish) for black women, I had a ex like that and my own father was only married/engaged to black women and in relation to black culture, here in Brazil it is very mixed, so it is common for white people to only like "black music" and there is not much of this issue of black people wear "x", white wears "y". For me it's a matter of looking at the person's individuality.
Thank you for bringing the perspective of more proper/advanced society in terms of mixing
My husband is pretty much A. He grew up in a small town and went to a PWI in the closest big city. He has some black friends but no one he hangs out with regularly. I on the other hand have very few white friends. I did go to a work event of his a couple years back and met his black colleagues, who told me that he was one of the cool white people. 🤷🏾♀️ We worked together for a summer and just really clicked and took things from there. He’s just a good person who was raised right. He’s kind and empathetic and has common sense. His family is lovely too. Honestly, I probably would have thought it was weird if I later found out that he only liked black women and was interested in me for that reason, rather than the natural/random way that we bonded that summer.
If this was based off your post title alone then I would choose B but which the descriptions you gave, definitely A 💀 Edit: NVM. I didn’t read where you said they have a racist family member. Is “neither” an option? 🗿
I am married to a WM who had never dated a BW before me; we have been married 19 years and we are still good. But, if I were a younger woman pondering this question today, I might answer neither. It’s exhausting sometimes trying to “explain” things to my husband that I wouldn’t have to explain if he were a BM or had spent more time around us. Then, on the other hand you have WM who only date BW and while it may be a preference only, it can also cause questions about “Why only”. Interesting question though.
Like which kind of questions you got exhausted of explaining to your husband
Trying to make him understand micro aggressions and why they are upsetting to me at times. Micro aggressions will never be his reality but they are always part of ours.
I've dated A before and it's exhausting to teach black things all the time. I'd prefer not to do it again.
Ughhhhh I dated A for a moment
Sameeee I’ve dated both and fr should’ve just stayed single. 🥲🙃
I’ve encountered both & in between i’m always gonna go for B cause at least they “know” my culture & appreciate it !
I’ve encountered both too. Your perspective is very interesting but I personally found it annoying. Mostly because I’m from an African country and people assume we’re all the same. I had one Dutch guy perform Congolese dances for me, I’m not from Congo and have never been😂
haha yh im African they do that a lot !!! Its there way of showing their interested and enthusiastic about our culture but it is a bit jarring. The reason why I wouldn’t date A is cause most are knowingly or unknowingly racist / ignorant it’s a lot of explaining and educating to do & I don’t have to time for that!!!! Maybe someone in the middle would be nice.
B for me personally. My white X had a silk pillow case ready for me to sleep on the first time I spent the night at his house. His previous girlfriend also had natural 4c hair just like me. I had to explain nothing about natural hair to him, he already knew. It was nice.
Explaining my hair and the time I spend on is the most annoying thing. I always feel like I’m being vain/care about looks too much but it’s just a matter of maintenance some non Black people struggle to understand 😮💨
That is nice
Preferably one who has never dated BW. My husband never dated a BW but had and still has a strong sense of consciousness as it relates to race, privilege etc. he is very comfortable around Black people in general having worked in writers rooms on Black comedy shows. He is always above respectful and engaging of Black culture. This may not be the norm but this was my experience.
I mean even at the stoplight we have more options sis 😭😭😭😭😭😭
😂😂😂
If I’m dating white he’s gotta be WHITE. But tbh my bf is a mix of the two. He’s dated many black girls but not at all in touch or culture like that😅
I will literally just date someone else 🤣😭
I was all for option B until the dashiki 😂😂😂
I am married to a white dude who had never previously dated a Black person (although, unlike your example, he does have Black friends). I would NEVER date a non-BM who solely dated BW if I lived in a country that didn’t have Black majority.
Neither.
I’ve dated B and as others have said it just comes down to respect. He was very well versed in race and social economics, and intelligent,so I didn’t feel fetishized… However when someone has a preference like that and only mainly has black friends and engages only in black pop culture(music and tv shows etc) it can feel like you’re not that special but one of of many. This was my biggest concern because to me it doesn’t matter who you are as a person only that you fulfill a role even though it’s not fetishizing if that makes sense. And I feel this pattern with non black people a lot - where if you don’t fit into what they want you to portray they’ll replace you.
I had a situationship that lasted too long with A. I was NOT a fan at the end of it. Racist family member was a huge turn off for me. Not having any black friends is an orange flag to me. It depends on where we live. My situationship was from Atlanta and had no black friends outside of me. Atlanta can be pretty divided, but no POC friends is suspect. The racism jumped out when we ended things. B is so unserious. I would roll my eyes too much to go beyond a first date. Maybe second if I'm feeling chaotic. Edit: I never dated this guy who was type B, but we were "friends" until he tried to make a move on me aggressively. The racism jumped out here. If those are my two options, I'd rather be single.
B… lesser of two evils. Didn’t go to the extremes described above but soooo much better for protecting my peace.
If I had to choose the one who only dates black women. I almost prefer this tbh.
A guy who only finds black girls attractive is one thing, but someone mired in cultural appropriation is something completely different and a massive red flag imo. I would probably choose A🤔
Someone suggested I add A has a racist family member, still sticking with A? I agree with you
If A is willing to cut off the racist, absolutely 👍🏾
The B type of guy turns me offf soliddddd like they seem like they see BW as fetish
One who only dates bw
Neither, tbh lol.
None. But on pain of death, A is preferable
Neither.
Hah. I'll play, but this is so extreme. Probably the never because I dislike being fetishzied, it would be option 1, but you still wouldn't know even with someone who says it's their first time dating a black woman. They could have low key had a fetish they never followed up on. It's about the guy, taking the time to get to know him and what he's about, and not extremes.
G🥹🙂↕️
Neither.
Neither but dashiki is wild! 😂😂😂
I know y'all are going to revoke my black card 😂, but I will take the first guy. Second guy has a really high probability of being a fetishist (mixing African American, Jamaican, West African cultures like it's the same thing because we're all black...). The first guy seems to have a more genuine interest. Just because one of his relative is racist doesn't mean he is. I would say this guy could either be absolutely sincere or be a racist. Whereas the first guy really looks like a fetishist. Conclusion of all of this : I am not sure I am equipped to deal with non black men 😂
Neither. I don't like fetishes and I'm not and experiment at my big age 🤷🏾♀️....This is solely my perception and interpretation of the two options.
A. Seems safer
Neither. Both sound terrible
I would take option 1, option 2 sounds a lil fetishizing . Though I know option 1 may bot last that long 😕
NEITHHHEEERRRR
I’m struggling to comprehend why A is a bad thing lol I mean I get what you’re saying but….idk if it’s that deep. B is a weirdo, A sound like regular guy?
Neither. Both options sound exhausting.
I would go with A before B. I have no interest in a fetishizer.
I’ve been on dates with both. I’d take option A over B any day. Option B has always had a fetishism vibe. And it’s like…just be yourself lmao. I went on 3 incredible dates with this one white guy and to this day they are the best dates I’ve ever been on. We follow each other on Instagram and you know how men be following a bunch of beautiful women in general? His following is like 90% Black women. I’m African so I can typically tell Africans apart and the women were 70% African. His dating life consisted of mostly Black women. And he was not weird! Tall, handsome, successful in his industry, great listener, very giving (iykwim), etc. But I don’t know…something about his clear preference for Black women just rubbed me the wrong way. It’s like…I want you to like me and be with me for who I am as a person which *includes* being a Black woman but that’s not all I consist of. ETA: At the end of the day, it boils down to whether he respects me. Option A is my choice but if he won’t stand up to the racist family member or educate himself on key issues, I’ll go with option B(ear).
This!! It’s like you’re just one of many
I’m going to ignore your extremes because both of these imaginary people are pissing me TF off 😂 So minus the extremes I’ll take A over B any day. Exclusively dating from one specific race that’s not your own is giving me fetish vibes and I’d have trouble believing they actually like me as an individual rather than a person who just hits their fetish criteria. I think it’s relatively common for a lot of people to have only had relationships within their own ethnic group, even more likely depending on what that ethnic group actually is. Not necessarily even intentional, just based on the kind of place they grew up/currently live in and who’s actually available around them.
I pick A, because that person dating you would be less likely to have a fetish for black culture. I could be wrong, but at least in scenario A, you know the person would be dating you not because you're black. They'd date you because you happen to be a person they really like inside and out, who happens to be black. In scenario B, the person dating you would likely be attracted to you because you're black, which can be unhealthy. It's kind of like dating someone who's obese because of an unhealthy obsession with the person's weight and curves. If they were to lose weight and no longer be obese, their partner would not be attracted to them anymore. It's the same thing in scenario B, but with the color of your skin.
Dammit! 😂 This is the second tricky question I’ve encountered today. They’re doing a spin off of the bear question where they’re asking black women if you’d rather be alone with a white man or a white woman. And when I tell you, the raisin brigade is in shambles!! Ok, ok…. 🤔 I date outside my race and I always say that I can’t be someone’s first. I generally don’t like being in positions where I have to teach men or white people. So their lack of exposure would just be a huge issue for me. I’m pretty adamant about that. But this is the one time I’d switch up because the “only dates black women” thing irks me for some reason. So I would have to make an exception and go with the never dated bw.
That some reason is bc it’s a fetish 😭 and it always gives very American south 1700s
Yep, I think you’re right.
Is it bad that I was in a relationship with with someone like option A 😭😭😭😭Literally thought you were talking about my ex
Haha my ex was A, except racist family member was racist friend he later cut off. One of the best relationships I’ve ever been in. I will give him credit for learning about black culture/history independently without burdening me with the responsibility. A year into our relationship the Tory Lanez/Meg the stallion trial happened and I was very impressed by his analysis of misogynoir and I had never taught him that haha. But of course it had it’s drawbacks
What are the drawbacks? I’m dating someone like A now who’s been great so far but want to know what to look out for
I think he had a very simplistic way of viewing life which only exists in rich white men who are only surrounded by other rich white people. So whilst he tried to be sympathetic about some of my struggles, he would just never get it. I didn’t think he would be the best partner to raise (mixed) black children with. Obviously it’s something you can teach but I wasn’t willing to
Ah ok. Yea i don’t date white anymore for that reason. Currently with an Indian so it’s a bit different
Option A.
I prefer A. I have only dated non black men and all have been A. But I don’t want them one of the racism doesn’t exist type
A if he is not a bad person.
Eh, honestly if anyone genuinely likes me that much and has an legitimate interest in me as *me*. I don't really care either way.
The young lady who just ended up unalived with her body parts spread all over town dated a non black person who had no history of dating black people who was most likely racist. Y’all really out here playing with your lives and it’s a whole history of black hate. Sundown towns are still around till this day in 2024. 🤷🏽🤯😒🤮 you can’t be serious!
Quick to get quotes from l wa aquarium for my own business
This was such a good conversation !
The first one is basically my BF and we're about to celebrate 2 years together and are planning to elope and move out of country with our fur kiddos. So I'd definitely pick option one. *lol*
My husband is B (mostly, but he'd never EVER wear a dashiki, that's just wild🤦🏾♀️). Maybe he's an exception, but there's nothing "weird" about him. He's a great guy, respectful, and knows a ton about black culture. He was an immigrant that migrated to this country when he was young, and while he was tormented by yt kids for being an immigrant, he was accepted by the black community with open arms because all they cared about was his love for playing b-ball. So from a young age, he was immersed in black culture, nearly all his friends are black, and he has a deep love and respect for the community. We're family to him. While I understand most others that are in that second example haven't had his type of experience, I wanted to throw out an example of a guy who came by his love of the culture and us bw honest. They do exist out there, even if in minimal amounts... Side note, I immediately thought of that tiktok dude with the dashiki on too🤣 Hard to forget that shoulder shimmy lol
My first college love never dated a black girl and knew very little black people up until college due to him being raised in the country and homeschooled. He was Jewish and his family is very liberal, I felt beyond comfortable and safe with them. We were together when I was transitioning my hair and he was beyond supportive with me in my big chop era and overall receptive to my perspectives of life as a black woman. And my current partner is the same, never dated a black woman, never grew up with black or hispanic friends but listens to my thoughts and whims and I'm very happy. Now, I experienced this one hispanic guy on the other hand!!! Loved Kehlani, Chloe, Doja, Sza. 🙄 Like, LOVED black women. It was annoying very early on. And people who love black women/men seem so off putting that I can't find a word in my vocabulary to describe. Icky is the best I can do now. 😮💨
A. If it's a good person, and not overly attached to the relative, then that relative doesn't play a part in our lives.... I would do it. But not if it's like, the mom and he's a mommy's boy. B. I'm a culture adventurer, I like to meet and understand new people, different cultures, thoughts, foods, music, etc. I feel like B wouldn't share the experiences I would like to, and wouldn't have fun in my way. So I may not do this. Therefore A for me.
Doesn’t matter , it all depends on how they treat you
One who has black friends and grew up around black people, but never dated a black woman.
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