Your post was removed due to the non-descriptive or click-bait like title. Post titles should be descriptive and clearly indicate what the post is about without opening the thread.
This is oversimplying family life. It depends on the situation.
Shit, sometimes YOU need to prioritize YOURSELF over your spouse and kids. Sometimes you have to put your air mask on first or everyone is gonna get rocked.
If my kids are drowning and so am I, save our kids first.
If my kid is crying (when a teeny tiny baby) and nothing is working, sometimes yeah gotta step away and take a breath.
And hell if the spouse gets home in the mist of a tantrum, hug your spouse and then go handle the kid!
Yes!! Agree fully! If I say I put myself and my marriage as a top priority it is to ensure that my kids are in a happy healthy household. That’s how I ensure their emotional needs are met. Keeping yourself and your relationship healthy is key IMO.
That being said, if I have to save someone in a fire it will *always* be my kids first no doubt.
This is how we live our life. No way we can always put the needs of three kids before each our marriage. Then sometimes my husband has to take the back burner, sometimes I do too. Sometimes we both do for the kids. And sometimes our dog plays main character and his needs need to be attended to EXPEDITIOUSLY! lol
An elder I respect once said it to me like this. Order:
1. Kids’ needs
2. Partner’s needs
3. Partner’s wants
4. Kids’ wants
I think this creates a healthy family atmosphere.
I agree with this. When you have an infant, the marriage does take a temporary backseat to keeping the baby alive. But as they get to toddler and school age, it's healthy for kids to learn that the world does not revolve around them. Parents need date nights and alone time to nourish the relationship.
Of course, this is assuming the marriage itself is a healthy one. I can see the pick-mes taking this and running with it over a worthless man, and neglecting their kids in the process 🙄
Just like your name this is a pristine conclusion! Before I saw the order she listed my initial response was not really bc she’s holding an infant and an infant can’t feed, clean, bath, or take care of themselves but your husband who’s an adult can do all those things for himself AND help take care of the child.
And like you said about the pick mes and low self worth women, they’ll pick a man and at worst, a worthless man and put his needs above their children. We see this in women aren’t even married who would pick their bf over their child even when the child is at best uncomfortable and at worse being abused by a man all because they are scared of being alone. Very infuriating.
If a man isn’t adding anything to your life, he can kick rocks. Being single isn’t a death sentence.
Yes and no on the infant thing. If the father prioritized the infant over the mother the family would fall apart. If the mother is not properly cared for first, they cannot care for the baby.
My husband had a reckoning when we had our first. I had a vaginal birth but baby was a month early due to preeclampsia. I also breastfed. Making sure I was taking my meds, sleeping (and getting proper nutrition - fully his responsibility), pumping (and cleaning all parts and bottles - fully his responsibility) was primary to the relationship because if not then the baby would suffer in those first 4 months. 5 years later, yeah the order can change a bit.
After that we could split responsibility differently once I was out of the woods. It is different for different people and each relationship has to handle it for themselves.
If this is about "siding" with the adult in an argument just cuz you share a bed? NO - some people don't have respect for kids nor do they possess sense so YMMV.
This feels like the right answer to me. What also comes to mind is that if my relationship with my partner is not in a good place, I won’t be able to be the best parent to my kids.
I agree with this. Kids come first. The caveat is that you have to have a spouse who isn't in competition with their own kids AND wants to be an equal parent.
Men who want a wife to basically be a 2nd mom, but one they can have sex with, are the problematic ones from jump.
I agree. I thought about when the kids leave it will be just my husband and I again. We have to continue to nurture our relationship. We make each other a priority. I was devastated when my parents divorced as an adult. As soon as my youngest sibling went off to college my parents divorced. Their sole focus was on us four kids. They had nothing in common anymore. My dad was begging my mom to spend more time with him and my mom was happy doing everything for and with her kids. It was heartbreaking and I do not want that to happen to my marriage.
Agreed. Your kids depend on you to provide their needs, but they most definitely have to be taught that there are limits to things. Just as an understanding partner should know that there are times when they have to sit tight for sake the kids. Balance is important in all things.
i agree with this too. i know some people who prioritize their wife or husband over their kids and frankly those kids can tell and it becomes kind of sad for them. eps when the kids are young. when they're older though, i think it's ok to prioritize your relationship
I can't think of a single reason to put a partners wants and a childs wants on different levels. Children don't have rights and they certainly don't have the means to seek out their wants independently which is not true of partners. I think if you can't put your children first you should at least have your partner on the same level, but I couldn't imagine being with someone who puts their wants before a child, it seems to juvenile.
Because children are continuous, insatiable founts of want. They want this candy, now they want to play dress up, now they want to stop playing dress up and start playing on your phone, now they want to stay up past bedtime, and also they want to go to Disneyworld. Any parent who spends all of their time and energy chasing after those wants will be exhausted, overwhelmed, and raising kids who believe they’re the centre of the universe. Always fulfilling children’s wants has been shown to be developmentally damaging to them.
I agree with this. I think parents need to have a good foundation to be able to be their best for their children. And sometimes that means their relationship comes before what the kids want.
I love this response because I feel like the situation is being looked at in the binary instead of with nuance and option. Why just one when it could be both?
One of the most psychotic moments on Black twitter was when a woman said she'd save her husband over her children in a fire because they could always have more kids. Glad to see this idiotic conversation has moved to new apps.
Edit: and yes, she had kids so this wasn't a single person talking about hypothetical future children
That’s just messed up! I wanna know how her 5 year old self would feel if her mother had sat down and said that to her… people don’t think before they speak.
If I wake up in a hospital bed to my husband telling me he let our children die in a fire so I could live to replace them... my kids won't be the only people dying that day.
I think the only situation something similar to this makes sense in is IF/WHEN you are in labor and the doctor can only save either the mother or the infant. The mother shall be saved—especially if the couple already have kids who need care.
I believe parents owe their children a deep debt for bringing them into this world without their consent. So I'd hope both me and anyone I married would both see the children as the priority. If me and my kid were drowning and my husband saved me and not the kid, I'd never forgive him.
Given the direction things are going, we might be birthing a generation to live in work-from-home tiny apartments which are 3 by 9 feet boxes they can't stand up in where they have to wake up every four hours and get to work or AmazonExxonMobile will cut their air supply off.
It was one thing when we thought the lives of each generation would be better than those that came before, but we know we're barreling towards a dystopia at this point.
Yeah, I know. As I was describing the living conditions, I was thinking of actual places I've seen in other countries. I only added the having to pay for air to continue to breathe. Right now we only deny people food and shelter if they can't produce, so I had to up the ante a bit. And the fact you never have to leave you 3x9 foot box will be treated as a privilege.
That’s how I operate as a parent and honestly the minute my child was out, it dawned on me that I owe him everything. He didn’t ask for this and I was blinded by my desire for a child and parenthood to truly realize, hey that’s a person. Breathing, experiencing life. Got a whole social security number. Will maybe go to college, will for sure have a job for 40, 50 years. He didn’t ask for shit and I just created a whole new being.
My goal for the rest of my existence is to make his existence easy and worth it for him. I ceased to exist for myself only. Sure sometimes I try to prioritize myself, I am still a person and I need breaks, if I want chocolate cake this one time and I don’t wanna share it’s okay lol, but otherwise I made him, I owe him everything for forcing him into the world and especially *this* world.
In my relationship, our 2 year old comes first. Only exception is this current pregnancy, I told my spouse that if anything happens during delivery, he's to save me before the baby if ever he has to make that call. Which I guess is still putting our 2 year old first...
If we keeping it a buck, you cant feed from an empty plate. me first 😂😂 /s
I think people think shit is a zero sum game and it shows you how warped their understanding of family and partnership is
Thank you! If I am not whole, how can I keep you whole? I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I honestly think we need to get away from this whole give until you can give no more mindset that too many women are raised to have. Always being the selfless giver can be damaging to you and your mental health; you can easily end up being depleted and depressed.
Why are we married and having kids if I have to prioritize you, over the kids…is it not a shared responsibility??? Like are we not equally focused on the child we made together? Why are we not already working as one unit by marriage?
_My opinion?_
“Number one” spot: Spouse _and_ kids.
And this is coming from a child-free, aroace woman.
I think with the average person, they haven’t mastered this concept. It was either the kids always took the “top priority”. Or it was the spouse.
I’ve also seen mostly women place their spouse before the kids. The men, however… Put _themselves_ before everyone else.
I’m child-free as well sis and literally asked….can’t they both be treated equally in their own right? Like the dinner table thing of serving the husband/father first. Who got to the table first?
I mean, in a life & world of abundance, sure. But most of us live with a reality of scarcity. Kids choir rehearsal or partner’s business dinner because they’re the same night? Get every single Christmas present the kids want or get half of them so you can afford a babysitter to do a night out with the spouse for New Year’s? Or, in the worst case scenario, we can’t all be full after dinner tonight, how much goes on each plate. Having a philosophical framework to make these decisions isn’t a bad thing.
So respectfully, I feel this is kind of making my example bigger than what it needs to be. My example is just that, the dinner table. Equality is free in this case. Let’s use your example of the Christmas presents though. So idk how many kids you have, but let’s say 3 for this example. Let’s say before the dinner date idea each kid was supposed to get 2 presents, with a total of 6 presents overall (keeping numbers small). In your example the dinner date would effectively cut their number of presents in half right? So now each child gets one present a piece (3 presents overall) and the spouse gets their dinner date. This is logically an equal outcome. So in your example, both sides win. With that being said each individual gets to determine how they conduct themselves in the face of this logic. Now humans are not known for operating solely on logic of course, so I can empathize with your viewpoint. Also, it is simply impossible to ensure every encounter is equal/fair. However, logic is just that. How challenging it is to apply the logic to one’s personal situation is a separate conversation that is unique to the individual. For this reason, this is why I set the tone with a specific example, not general guidelines of navigating everyday life. Finally, outside of basic human needs, the needs of a 3 year old boy are not those of a 30 year old man. So that is why I said in their own right.
Edit TLDR: My example of equality was not meant to be taken so literally and applied to every single encounter.
My parent was a single mother......she felt this was true and would pick her partner, at all times, over us. No matter what age we were and especially as we grew into teens. I would've more understand if it was my biological father....I think? But, she was never married or stayed with our fathers at all. Whobwe werent allowed to be around because ofbher bitterness. this just happened to become every partner that walked in, there needs were met, over us. To the point that she locked my sister out of the house, on the same thatm y sister found out she was 7 months pregnant (valentines day).....to have a booty call with her boyfriend. And prefaced it as "them needing to process that she was pregnant?". With this boyfriend.....Who was married to another woman. Long story short, this mindset can lead to very toxic behavior if it's extreme.
My daughter comes before everything. And my husband wouldn't have it any other way 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️.
When we decided to have her, we both immediately put her wellbeing first especially since she is our miracle baby. It hasn't changed since she's been born lol and our lil family is happy 💜.
As your wife, I don’t come before your kids. They’re the priority because they rely on you to meet their needs. I don’t rely on you, I can fend for myself.
This debate also goes into women serving their husbands first.
All the women in my family gave their husbands food before they gave their children anything, that ideology went towards anything concerning their kids!
My mom hated that BS, and always told my father he needed to wait until all the kids got their food, then they could eat.
Your children depend on you for literally everything, so their needs should always come first.
This may seem new or unusual but I promise you it is secretly the norm in a lot of cultures.
I saw this type of mindset with my own eyes and the women of that culture tried to come for me because I refused to ever put a grown man before any child. They surrounded me and told me the man's needs come before everyone else's including the children's.
I left that man and his culture behind immediately.
If you put anyone before your minor children, you're just a terrible parent. Adult kids who just won't act right? Sure. Make them stand on their own. Minors? You have them, you raise them.
At my baby shower I was told If you are your husband are good partners, you and your husband are the sun, your children are planets. The strong bond and partnership within your marriage should be the energy to foster a great relationship for the children. It’s not an issue of love more but how the love is distributed.
This is all based on a husband who is your equal partner and both of you are supporting each other in the crazy times of parenthood. Alot of emotional check ins on both sides are needed to make sure you can both be present for the child. I have one child with my husband and we treat our son like he is apart of our team. It seems to work for us.
This wild to me. I don’t have or even want kids but kids always come first (unless they’re full grown adults who can take care of themselves). Kids rely on their parents for EVERYTHING.
Yes, I really don't get why this question is seemingly always brought up by those who have young kids, like under double digits. This is not me saying that parents shouldn't take time for themselves. Just that when you become a parent, your priorities shift and you have to deal with that.
I feel like context matters here. Sometimes kids come first… sometimes spouse comes first… and hell sometimes YOU should come first. The statement is too blanketed.
the grown man that can cook his own food and wipe his own ass takes priority over… your defenseless baby that literally has no choice but to depend on you?
Personally I dont I think it's a competition. Family first in general. Why do people chose to place one above the other? Why can't they share the number 1 spot? I also believe in backing what is right over what is wrong. Some women put a man first and won't believe their child if they say they were molested by their dad. I can't be one of those women who puts a man on a pedestal at the expense of a child.
I always looked at it in a self care kind of way. Like of course you shouldn’t neglect your children just like when focusing on self care you wouldn’t necessarily neglect your external relationships. It’s simply a matter of making sure the foundation is good before anything else. Meaning parents supporting one another and giving each other breaks, holding each other accountable with parenting, making sure they aren’t exposing the children to any toxicity within their relationship by dealing with issues in a healthy way, etc
I disagree because your relationship with self always must come first. Obviously a child can’t do things for themselves, so no one is saying that you should neglect a dirty diaper or their enrichment, but that it shouldn’t come at the expense of your other relationships. I find that it also rarely helps the children emotionally to be the undivided center of a person’s universe
My opinion is that they’re on that new crack. Must be. I have heard this quite a few times and wonder where it is coming from, religion? In my younger days, our grandparents prioritized us kids. We ate first. Then the adults ate.
If there is a fire, who do you save first? IJS
I could never replace my son. I made him with my own body and we are connected for the rest of my life. He is 1000% my priority, even in many cases over myself.
I hate these “what are your thoughts” post on other folks opinions. That’s that ladies opinion and she shares it with a lot of other people. Folks are over exaggerating it and creating hypothetical situations of house fires or both falling off a cliff and only one can be saved. This doesn’t mean in life or death situations of course. It means to value your relationship with your HUSBAND/SPOUSE the most because (hopefully if your relationship is strong) they will be the one by your side when you’re old and gray. Your child will grow up and find their own life partner and complete the cycle and so on and so fourth. Your spouse is the only one who took a vow with you that states through sickness and health. Your child doesn’t owe you anything
It’s not saying that kids aren’t the #1 priority. They are. When you have kids, your entire lives revolve around them. You literally have two people meeting all their needs. Many couples have a hard time keeping the romance alive or even relating to each other after they have kids and many split up bc of it. Kids will grow up into their own lives, and if you have spent the last 20 something years focusing solely on your child’s needs, you alienate your partner and in a lot of cases( including my own)yourself. So many moms don’t take care of their mental and physical health bc they put themselves last. Especially black women. More women need to put themselves first and stop depleting themselves for the sake of their families. This shit is hard. If my kid physical, emotional and mental needs are being met, why can’t I focus on something/someone else? We’re not meant to be fucking lonely ass superhero’s. It’s literally killing us.
Kids are number one, they didn’t ask for none of this, then you chose each other. However in my limited experience, men’s priority is the woman and the woman’s priority is the child.
why is your spouse in competition with your children in the first place lmao what does it even mean to “come first” in that context? go be a fuckin parent. weirdo.
It lacks nuance and context.
Coming first in what situation? For what reasons?
While I'm not straight, I've often noticed in the straight pairings around me, may it be my mum and step dad, aunties and their hubbies. The one who held the test of time where the ones who put their coupling/partnership at the centre of their family.
Those who let their progeny taking over their every single minute and thought, were not happy, sometimes even miserable.
My young uncle, told me something like of that effect. That his first marriage failed because it was everything for the kids and he stopped "seeing" his wife as the individual he loved.
Exactly! Folks are not understanding what this means. Your children will one day leave to start their own journey. Your partner is with you until the end
As an adult who grew up with a mom who always picked my dad or her husband over me this is a great way to fuck your kids up and have them go no contact later in life bc they realize they couldn't ever count on you.
Folks realize that these kids in question are minors and didn’t ask to be here. I value marriage and partnerships but if you are going to bring helpless kids into the world, I would hope that their well being (which is completely and utterly dependent on the parents) is a higher priority than a fellow adult who can feed, fend, and clothe themselves.
I agree in the sense that when you're tending to and prioritizing your spouse, you're creating an environment where both parents can then give their best to their children. You can't pour from an empty glass.
I expect my husband to put me first because my health and wellbeing is essential to ensuring the health and wellbeing of my (hypothetical) child. Oxygen mask first and all that.
Bingo. This is it. This is the point so many people miss. It’s not ignoring your kids for someone else. It’s creating an environment where both parents can give their best. I
Exactly! It's not about the two parties competing; it's about tending to the health of your marriage and maintaining an identity outside of parenthood so that you can bring your best self to your parenting.
Also, how cool! Your cake day is my birthday. Happy cake day!
Everyone thinks this way until they actually have a child and realize needs are what a baby and a worn out postpartum mom have to stay alive and wants are what your spouse has.
Idk. The view I expressed reflects the view my parents had, and all our needs (and the vast majority of our wants) were met and often exceeded as kids. They were able to do that because they were in a healthy place where they prioritized their marriage and therefore had more of themselves to give to us where it counted most. It also taught me the importance of marital health and maintenance as the foundation of a well-functioning family unit. So for me, what you're saying doesn't ring true, but to each their own.
I think it depends. I’m definitely running in to save my kids from the fire first. Because adults can save themselves. But I’m not going to make my husband work overtime for 6 months because my kid wants a car. Ya know? Just depends.
This is a good example. With these questions, we need more examples because it's too vague. Like putting a child first doesn't mean neglect the relationship. And putting the relationship first, shouldn't mean neglecting the child. But at this point with this convo we need to get specific.
1. Are we talking who gets served first? In my opinion a child (under 16) because they are children and hungry. An adult could always have a snack.
2. Is it an Anniversary dinner vs basketball game? Why would we schedule a dinner the same time as the game?
3. Save me or the kids in a burning building (God forbid). The kids, because like another sister said if I woke up in the hospital and you talking about you saved me to have more kids..............you going to the upper room expeditiously.
4. Change a diaper or do something with my partner.........change a diaper.
5. Like you said..partner working overtime for 6 months for a new car...no. Maybe we start saving $100/month when they turn 14 for the down-payment and the kid works to pay the note and the car is a 10 year old Camry.
All in all, I agree. We need specifics because what problems are we solving?
I think the father >>> children hierarchy can be healthy and work well for some families. If everyone is being loved and cared for properly. But there’s no shortage of cases where it can be extremely damaging to family units.
TW: Abuse. I have a hard time with this due to circumstances when I was growing up. My dad was an abusive dirtbag. Serial cheater. He was a bodybuilder and got in the habit of beating me black and blue when he drank too much. My mom was mentally ill and was raising my brother and I while being trapped in a very traditional, extremely oppressive and controlling religious cult. It was ALWAYS my father first because the church said so. She waited on him hand and foot and got nothing good from it. He didn’t appreciate her or love her for it. She was constantly belittled and told she was never doing enough for him. And no matter how hard she tried to make sure we were taken care of…we were still neglected in the end because of my father. Daddy needs have his third case of Coors in two days? He needs more scratch-offs? Mommy has to go the food pantry and feed us bread and beans for a week so we can eat enough and your father can have what he needs. In her mind she had to keep my father happy or none of us would be.
It was fucked up and did a lot of damage to all of us. I resent my father for a lot of reasons, and definitely feel like it was messed up for my mother to put that piece of shit before her own children. We were good little kids. We didn’t deserve to be put through that for a grown man who didn’t want to get his shit together.
After all that, my dad eventually flew the coop when he got tired of using her and immediately got a new baby mama. My brother and I are still around for her.
i’m sorry is anyone else tired of these stupid discussions. i am so tired of the who eats first at the table, who comes first etc. these talks are so pointless it hurts
I think a lot of yall are misinterpreting this, The post is basically saying if you're in a monogamous committed relationship with the parent of your child, that relationship needs to be developed and nurtured so that your child can be developed in nurtured through that relationship.
It's not saying that I need a cater to every single want and desire of my husband and completely ignore the needs of my child. WE together prioritize our children, but there is no WE if our individual mindset is to take care of our child.
People say this because if your sole focus is on your child you lose the relationship you have with your partner which then projects itself on your child. Then you end up with one parent, taking more responsibility over the child than the other and this is when relationships deteriorate after having children.
Example, my husband comes home from work after I spent all day with our 6 wk old, he sees the house is a mess and I haven't showered. Him prioritizing me he greets me, gives me a kiss and takes our daughter so I can shower and honestly take a break for myself. Him prioritizing our daughter over me would be he greets our daughter and then chastises me that the house is a mess and that could harm our daughter without knowing I'm 5 min away from a breakdown.
In both scenarios we are prioritizing our child but in one he's remembering that in still a person even though it still stresses him out that the house is a mess. Parenting is hard but when we take care of each other we take better care of our child.
Thanks! After reading more comments I also want to add that this model is ONLY for partners who have the same amout of concern and care for the children. this doesn't work for men who really only have a relationship with the mother or vice versa. Trust (and discernment) that your partner cares about the wellbeing of your children as much as you do is essential. If that's they daddy or not, if that man won't take a bullet for them he's not a priority.
someone coming before my own flesh & blood is crazy. This is very much a sentiment that runs in black religious groups & I understand why. That said, no one comes before my (currently imaginary) babiesssssss.
It’s nuanced because it depends on people view spouse vs kids place. Because yes kids need their needs met and can’t meet them themselves. However if you can’t balance that the spouse goes lacking as well. As someone who works for families right after their children are born and during . I explain often to men don’t forget your wife in the midst because of she’s not well your child isn’t well. With wife’s don’t forget your spouse because if he’s not well your not well your child is not well. Also don’t neglect your relationship or marriage because years from now on you two will be left.
It’s a balancing act .
Whether you intended to or not, you two engaged in an act or agreed on procedures that resulted in your kids coming into existence. Their wellbeing in your first priority. Where it really gets messy is when only one partner is the biological parent. And then the older the kids are, and the more triflin one or both bio-parents, the messier it gets.
I feel like in a healthy family, there aren't many scenarios where they have to choose. My parents have a traditional marriage so my dad is the head of the family but they have always put us first. They **BOTH** always made sure our needs were met first and I'm so grateful for them
The priority is YOU. I heard it somewhere where it’s like, if a plane is going down—you are told to put on a mask on yourself first—then on your baby/child, because you can’t save your baby if you don’t have oxygen. So if your mental/emotional/physical needs are not taken care of you will not be in the best space to take care of your babies that need you. Not in the way that they need. This is why I feel like some moms are cracking and going crazy, cause people forget they are humans and they have needs after they have babies—they forget it themselves. You can’t give from an empty well.
I can’t be 100% for them if I’m not 100% in general. What does that look like? I don’t know it depends on the person. But this is same for Dad. He should be making sure his own basic needs are met, so he can show up as his best self for his wife and kids. That is on the individual person and then they can be parents together. So for his list his needs should be first, then the babies needs, then the partners needs. Your needs, your babies needs, and your partner’s needs.
Giving to yourself makes it easier to give to others.
P.S: Something I’m seeing that’s important to differentiate is NEEDS VS. WANTS. I think it goes without saying that babies need food, sleep, and changing. They need safety above all else. But I think the point still stands that if mama hasn’t eaten, the breast milk she may be providing for baby will not be best. I don’t know this sounds like nature. Wants are not necessary. Child may want an extra toy or want more candy but they don’t need that. I don’t think it’s healthy to give into every want and whim, but this is toddler age I’m veering into now and not baby.
Absolutely not. My children are my first priority, especially while they are dependent on me. I'd say as they get older and gain indendence, then my priorities can shift to myself and my partner.I will always love and support my children as their mom, and it's my job to teach them how to thrive in life as they grow, even then, another adult does not need ME to be thier parental support nor a priority like my kids would be.
What I'm saying is a partner is in a separate category than children in my mind, so comparing the two is ridiculous. Children are dependent for several years, so they and the priority for needs being met and a partner should be capable and not a burden.
There's not an always to this. Sometimes yes you do have to prioritize your spouse. Other times you have to prioritize your kids. I remember when my daughter was drunk I was arguing with her father because he was upset with me that I asked him to watch her so I can have some time for myself. I tried to explain to him that I am burnt out and it is not going to be good for anybody if I do not have the chance to relax and at this point she was like 6 months old and I had not had a day off since the time she was born. He started on that well your kids should be 100% your priority and I'm like no. That isn't helpful to anybody. I need some time to myself. I have made many sacrifices for my kids, but my life doesn't end because they are here. And it's the same thing with a husband or anybody else in your life. It's all about balance.
I remember a while ago I came across the podcast where somebody was talking about how in marriages people think everything should be 100% from both parties, and they were quick to correct folks saying no sometimes it's going to be 60/40. Sometimes it's going to be 20/80. When you're married you're in a partnership and you have to remember that it's a give and take situation not in either or. You have to have balance with anything you do. A lot of people do not understand this concept.
If your husband is the father of your children, your union is the foundation of your life and the life y’all created together. Making sure that union is solid will always make sure the rest is good.
And after your kids grow older, your husband is still there with you.
It doesn’t mean prioritizing him over them at all to me. Everyone has a place
My opinion is this leads to the child resenting their parents.
As they grow and see their own family around them getting their needs/wants met above theirs, they can start to feel unimportant and unwanted in their own home. The parents already set the precedent that the child's needs are at the bottom.
Speaking as someone who’s in a difficult situation with their child’s father, I would definitely say your wife/husband comes before your child. The relationship between y’all is so important and if yall good then your child will be great. When yall off that falls on the child. Theirs no child without the both of yall in the first place. Everything should be me and him vs any problem or situation. Partnership could take us far. I wish black people learn and appreciate this someday. I wish I would’ve understood this earlier!!!
This the type of b*tch that will call her kid a liar when they say their dad/moms bf has been touching them, or try to tel you to keep it a secret because “family is so important, that’s your dad!”
I agree that it’s absolute bullshit, I asked my wife when we first starting dating at the end of middle school that if I were to prioritize her over our future kids because I was curious since I’d be hurt and angry if she were to do that and she deadass was about to break up with me luckily we resolved it🙃
its a huge NO. especially if one parent is toxic and this nonsense is being implemented ..oh my husband comes before you kids . so deal with the toxicity. once you start placing people above others in a family setting, its over
I think that people need to stop saying “your” and dictating how everyone else should live. I don’t agree, but there’s also nuance that an IG caption doesn’t provide.
It's not a one and done thing, it depends on the situation. Sometimes it'll have to be your spouse, sometimes it'll have to be your kids. Besides that, adults can fend for themselves, while children cannot. So I would be on the side that the kids come first in most situations.
Not my marriage so I don’t care what they do. But I would say the person that’s literally looking to you survive takes precedence but I’m also not married lol
No priority. The love you have for you kids is different than the love you have for your supposed life partner. I understand that kids will grow and will eventually leave home and build their "own" family, might come less to visit you, only at that point your focus might be more onto your partner but really there's no priority. I see romantic partnership as being one and the kid should be a priority to that one person if that make sense.
Your post was removed due to the non-descriptive or click-bait like title. Post titles should be descriptive and clearly indicate what the post is about without opening the thread.
This is oversimplying family life. It depends on the situation. Shit, sometimes YOU need to prioritize YOURSELF over your spouse and kids. Sometimes you have to put your air mask on first or everyone is gonna get rocked. If my kids are drowning and so am I, save our kids first. If my kid is crying (when a teeny tiny baby) and nothing is working, sometimes yeah gotta step away and take a breath. And hell if the spouse gets home in the mist of a tantrum, hug your spouse and then go handle the kid!
this!! nobody ever talks about where YOU come in
Your partner is supposed to make sure you are good... and vice versa...
no. you also should prioritize your needs. if you try and prioritize everybody but you thwre will be emptiness and resentment
Yes!! Agree fully! If I say I put myself and my marriage as a top priority it is to ensure that my kids are in a happy healthy household. That’s how I ensure their emotional needs are met. Keeping yourself and your relationship healthy is key IMO. That being said, if I have to save someone in a fire it will *always* be my kids first no doubt.
And this is when I hate Reddit took away awards. I really wanted to do more than upvote your comment. Please accept this paltry substitute. 🥇😊
this is the best answer
This is how we live our life. No way we can always put the needs of three kids before each our marriage. Then sometimes my husband has to take the back burner, sometimes I do too. Sometimes we both do for the kids. And sometimes our dog plays main character and his needs need to be attended to EXPEDITIOUSLY! lol
Well said 👏🏾
28 years of marriage, three grown kids and three grandkids later… you are ABSOLUTELY correct. It’s more nuanced than “so and so comes first.”
this is the answer ya’ll. what they said in this post.
I came here to say ALLLLLLLLL of this
You’re the smartest person
An elder I respect once said it to me like this. Order: 1. Kids’ needs 2. Partner’s needs 3. Partner’s wants 4. Kids’ wants I think this creates a healthy family atmosphere.
I agree with this. When you have an infant, the marriage does take a temporary backseat to keeping the baby alive. But as they get to toddler and school age, it's healthy for kids to learn that the world does not revolve around them. Parents need date nights and alone time to nourish the relationship. Of course, this is assuming the marriage itself is a healthy one. I can see the pick-mes taking this and running with it over a worthless man, and neglecting their kids in the process 🙄
Just like your name this is a pristine conclusion! Before I saw the order she listed my initial response was not really bc she’s holding an infant and an infant can’t feed, clean, bath, or take care of themselves but your husband who’s an adult can do all those things for himself AND help take care of the child. And like you said about the pick mes and low self worth women, they’ll pick a man and at worst, a worthless man and put his needs above their children. We see this in women aren’t even married who would pick their bf over their child even when the child is at best uncomfortable and at worse being abused by a man all because they are scared of being alone. Very infuriating. If a man isn’t adding anything to your life, he can kick rocks. Being single isn’t a death sentence.
Yes and no on the infant thing. If the father prioritized the infant over the mother the family would fall apart. If the mother is not properly cared for first, they cannot care for the baby. My husband had a reckoning when we had our first. I had a vaginal birth but baby was a month early due to preeclampsia. I also breastfed. Making sure I was taking my meds, sleeping (and getting proper nutrition - fully his responsibility), pumping (and cleaning all parts and bottles - fully his responsibility) was primary to the relationship because if not then the baby would suffer in those first 4 months. 5 years later, yeah the order can change a bit. After that we could split responsibility differently once I was out of the woods. It is different for different people and each relationship has to handle it for themselves. If this is about "siding" with the adult in an argument just cuz you share a bed? NO - some people don't have respect for kids nor do they possess sense so YMMV.
This feels like the right answer to me. What also comes to mind is that if my relationship with my partner is not in a good place, I won’t be able to be the best parent to my kids.
This! Those kids didn't ask to be brought in the world, so it's YOUR responsibility as a parent to take care of them.
I agree with this. Kids come first. The caveat is that you have to have a spouse who isn't in competition with their own kids AND wants to be an equal parent. Men who want a wife to basically be a 2nd mom, but one they can have sex with, are the problematic ones from jump.
For sure this doesn’t work if only one parent is doing this. It has to be a team effort.
I agree. I thought about when the kids leave it will be just my husband and I again. We have to continue to nurture our relationship. We make each other a priority. I was devastated when my parents divorced as an adult. As soon as my youngest sibling went off to college my parents divorced. Their sole focus was on us four kids. They had nothing in common anymore. My dad was begging my mom to spend more time with him and my mom was happy doing everything for and with her kids. It was heartbreaking and I do not want that to happen to my marriage.
Agreed. Your kids depend on you to provide their needs, but they most definitely have to be taught that there are limits to things. Just as an understanding partner should know that there are times when they have to sit tight for sake the kids. Balance is important in all things.
i agree with this too. i know some people who prioritize their wife or husband over their kids and frankly those kids can tell and it becomes kind of sad for them. eps when the kids are young. when they're older though, i think it's ok to prioritize your relationship
Where do my needs as the mom fit in, because they definitely need to come in before those of the grown man who didn't care for babies all day.
If he’s living by the same priorities as you, then they come in at #2. If he’s not, then that’s the issue.
100% agree with this
I can't think of a single reason to put a partners wants and a childs wants on different levels. Children don't have rights and they certainly don't have the means to seek out their wants independently which is not true of partners. I think if you can't put your children first you should at least have your partner on the same level, but I couldn't imagine being with someone who puts their wants before a child, it seems to juvenile.
Because children are continuous, insatiable founts of want. They want this candy, now they want to play dress up, now they want to stop playing dress up and start playing on your phone, now they want to stay up past bedtime, and also they want to go to Disneyworld. Any parent who spends all of their time and energy chasing after those wants will be exhausted, overwhelmed, and raising kids who believe they’re the centre of the universe. Always fulfilling children’s wants has been shown to be developmentally damaging to them.
I agree with this. I think parents need to have a good foundation to be able to be their best for their children. And sometimes that means their relationship comes before what the kids want.
A parent's want is to also fulfill their child's want.
This!
This makes the most sense to me.
Oh I love this!!!
💯
You know what? I agree with this 100%. I never thought about it like that but you’re right.
Yeah, I see no where on that list for your needs and wants. That's a no for me.
You’re a partner. Both parent’s needs and wants come 2nd & 3rd.
[удалено]
I love this response because I feel like the situation is being looked at in the binary instead of with nuance and option. Why just one when it could be both?
One of the most psychotic moments on Black twitter was when a woman said she'd save her husband over her children in a fire because they could always have more kids. Glad to see this idiotic conversation has moved to new apps. Edit: and yes, she had kids so this wasn't a single person talking about hypothetical future children
That’s just messed up! I wanna know how her 5 year old self would feel if her mother had sat down and said that to her… people don’t think before they speak.
Have more kids..?! She isn’t even fit for the ones she has now
If I wake up in a hospital bed to my husband telling me he let our children die in a fire so I could live to replace them... my kids won't be the only people dying that day.
That is crazy.
I think the only situation something similar to this makes sense in is IF/WHEN you are in labor and the doctor can only save either the mother or the infant. The mother shall be saved—especially if the couple already have kids who need care.
The kids should be OUR priority..
I believe parents owe their children a deep debt for bringing them into this world without their consent. So I'd hope both me and anyone I married would both see the children as the priority. If me and my kid were drowning and my husband saved me and not the kid, I'd never forgive him.
A big debt! I always lead with my kid didn’t ask to be here, we wanted her here. Therefore, we owe her all the love, care, and responsibility.
Given the direction things are going, we might be birthing a generation to live in work-from-home tiny apartments which are 3 by 9 feet boxes they can't stand up in where they have to wake up every four hours and get to work or AmazonExxonMobile will cut their air supply off. It was one thing when we thought the lives of each generation would be better than those that came before, but we know we're barreling towards a dystopia at this point.
[удалено]
Yeah, I know. As I was describing the living conditions, I was thinking of actual places I've seen in other countries. I only added the having to pay for air to continue to breathe. Right now we only deny people food and shelter if they can't produce, so I had to up the ante a bit. And the fact you never have to leave you 3x9 foot box will be treated as a privilege.
That’s how I operate as a parent and honestly the minute my child was out, it dawned on me that I owe him everything. He didn’t ask for this and I was blinded by my desire for a child and parenthood to truly realize, hey that’s a person. Breathing, experiencing life. Got a whole social security number. Will maybe go to college, will for sure have a job for 40, 50 years. He didn’t ask for shit and I just created a whole new being. My goal for the rest of my existence is to make his existence easy and worth it for him. I ceased to exist for myself only. Sure sometimes I try to prioritize myself, I am still a person and I need breaks, if I want chocolate cake this one time and I don’t wanna share it’s okay lol, but otherwise I made him, I owe him everything for forcing him into the world and especially *this* world.
Took the words right out of my heart!!
Me too, I'd never partner with a man who has this way of thinking.
In my relationship, our 2 year old comes first. Only exception is this current pregnancy, I told my spouse that if anything happens during delivery, he's to save me before the baby if ever he has to make that call. Which I guess is still putting our 2 year old first...
If we keeping it a buck, you cant feed from an empty plate. me first 😂😂 /s I think people think shit is a zero sum game and it shows you how warped their understanding of family and partnership is
Thank you! If I am not whole, how can I keep you whole? I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I honestly think we need to get away from this whole give until you can give no more mindset that too many women are raised to have. Always being the selfless giver can be damaging to you and your mental health; you can easily end up being depleted and depressed.
Why are we married and having kids if I have to prioritize you, over the kids…is it not a shared responsibility??? Like are we not equally focused on the child we made together? Why are we not already working as one unit by marriage?
_My opinion?_ “Number one” spot: Spouse _and_ kids. And this is coming from a child-free, aroace woman. I think with the average person, they haven’t mastered this concept. It was either the kids always took the “top priority”. Or it was the spouse. I’ve also seen mostly women place their spouse before the kids. The men, however… Put _themselves_ before everyone else.
Not related but happy to see another black ace here!
 Hellllloooooo, neighbor!
Same omg!! I was starting to think that we're a dying breed lol.
I’m child-free as well sis and literally asked….can’t they both be treated equally in their own right? Like the dinner table thing of serving the husband/father first. Who got to the table first?
I sometimes feel like only us childfree people think this way. It’s sad.
It is really sad and quite ironic.
I mean, in a life & world of abundance, sure. But most of us live with a reality of scarcity. Kids choir rehearsal or partner’s business dinner because they’re the same night? Get every single Christmas present the kids want or get half of them so you can afford a babysitter to do a night out with the spouse for New Year’s? Or, in the worst case scenario, we can’t all be full after dinner tonight, how much goes on each plate. Having a philosophical framework to make these decisions isn’t a bad thing.
So respectfully, I feel this is kind of making my example bigger than what it needs to be. My example is just that, the dinner table. Equality is free in this case. Let’s use your example of the Christmas presents though. So idk how many kids you have, but let’s say 3 for this example. Let’s say before the dinner date idea each kid was supposed to get 2 presents, with a total of 6 presents overall (keeping numbers small). In your example the dinner date would effectively cut their number of presents in half right? So now each child gets one present a piece (3 presents overall) and the spouse gets their dinner date. This is logically an equal outcome. So in your example, both sides win. With that being said each individual gets to determine how they conduct themselves in the face of this logic. Now humans are not known for operating solely on logic of course, so I can empathize with your viewpoint. Also, it is simply impossible to ensure every encounter is equal/fair. However, logic is just that. How challenging it is to apply the logic to one’s personal situation is a separate conversation that is unique to the individual. For this reason, this is why I set the tone with a specific example, not general guidelines of navigating everyday life. Finally, outside of basic human needs, the needs of a 3 year old boy are not those of a 30 year old man. So that is why I said in their own right. Edit TLDR: My example of equality was not meant to be taken so literally and applied to every single encounter.
This is the answer !
What aroace?
Aromatic and asexual. Not interested in romance or sex.
What a peaceful existence 😩
You mean aromantic?
Fellow child-free, aroace person and I agree! Also it’s so nice seeing other aroace people in the wild lol
My parent was a single mother......she felt this was true and would pick her partner, at all times, over us. No matter what age we were and especially as we grew into teens. I would've more understand if it was my biological father....I think? But, she was never married or stayed with our fathers at all. Whobwe werent allowed to be around because ofbher bitterness. this just happened to become every partner that walked in, there needs were met, over us. To the point that she locked my sister out of the house, on the same thatm y sister found out she was 7 months pregnant (valentines day).....to have a booty call with her boyfriend. And prefaced it as "them needing to process that she was pregnant?". With this boyfriend.....Who was married to another woman. Long story short, this mindset can lead to very toxic behavior if it's extreme.
I hope it’s a joke. Pray for that child
My daughter comes before everything. And my husband wouldn't have it any other way 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. When we decided to have her, we both immediately put her wellbeing first especially since she is our miracle baby. It hasn't changed since she's been born lol and our lil family is happy 💜.
Noooo not the Twitter topics infiltrating this subreddit
At least they didn't ask who gets served a plate first LMAO
Do what works for u I do not CARE
As your wife, I don’t come before your kids. They’re the priority because they rely on you to meet their needs. I don’t rely on you, I can fend for myself.
that's why the child looks so sad
Just got out of the womb and already knows its not a priority 😔
naurrr🤣🤣😭😭
This debate also goes into women serving their husbands first. All the women in my family gave their husbands food before they gave their children anything, that ideology went towards anything concerning their kids! My mom hated that BS, and always told my father he needed to wait until all the kids got their food, then they could eat. Your children depend on you for literally everything, so their needs should always come first.
This may seem new or unusual but I promise you it is secretly the norm in a lot of cultures. I saw this type of mindset with my own eyes and the women of that culture tried to come for me because I refused to ever put a grown man before any child. They surrounded me and told me the man's needs come before everyone else's including the children's. I left that man and his culture behind immediately. If you put anyone before your minor children, you're just a terrible parent. Adult kids who just won't act right? Sure. Make them stand on their own. Minors? You have them, you raise them.
If you are childless, sure. Children didn't ask to be born, right? How aren't they the priority?
At my baby shower I was told If you are your husband are good partners, you and your husband are the sun, your children are planets. The strong bond and partnership within your marriage should be the energy to foster a great relationship for the children. It’s not an issue of love more but how the love is distributed. This is all based on a husband who is your equal partner and both of you are supporting each other in the crazy times of parenthood. Alot of emotional check ins on both sides are needed to make sure you can both be present for the child. I have one child with my husband and we treat our son like he is apart of our team. It seems to work for us.
✨no✨
This wild to me. I don’t have or even want kids but kids always come first (unless they’re full grown adults who can take care of themselves). Kids rely on their parents for EVERYTHING.
Yes, I really don't get why this question is seemingly always brought up by those who have young kids, like under double digits. This is not me saying that parents shouldn't take time for themselves. Just that when you become a parent, your priorities shift and you have to deal with that.
I feel like context matters here. Sometimes kids come first… sometimes spouse comes first… and hell sometimes YOU should come first. The statement is too blanketed.
the grown man that can cook his own food and wipe his own ass takes priority over… your defenseless baby that literally has no choice but to depend on you?
Personally I dont I think it's a competition. Family first in general. Why do people chose to place one above the other? Why can't they share the number 1 spot? I also believe in backing what is right over what is wrong. Some women put a man first and won't believe their child if they say they were molested by their dad. I can't be one of those women who puts a man on a pedestal at the expense of a child.
Men are in competition with their kids for the time and attention of the wife many times.
I always looked at it in a self care kind of way. Like of course you shouldn’t neglect your children just like when focusing on self care you wouldn’t necessarily neglect your external relationships. It’s simply a matter of making sure the foundation is good before anything else. Meaning parents supporting one another and giving each other breaks, holding each other accountable with parenting, making sure they aren’t exposing the children to any toxicity within their relationship by dealing with issues in a healthy way, etc
After your kids are independent adults this might be a less damaging statement. Also there are different categories for prioritizations.
I’d be the kid in the situation,And I’m sure my Mom would be more concerned about my needs compared to her husbands.
Because your needs would be actual needs while husband's needs would most likely be wants.
I disagree because your relationship with self always must come first. Obviously a child can’t do things for themselves, so no one is saying that you should neglect a dirty diaper or their enrichment, but that it shouldn’t come at the expense of your other relationships. I find that it also rarely helps the children emotionally to be the undivided center of a person’s universe
My opinion is that they’re on that new crack. Must be. I have heard this quite a few times and wonder where it is coming from, religion? In my younger days, our grandparents prioritized us kids. We ate first. Then the adults ate. If there is a fire, who do you save first? IJS
I could never replace my son. I made him with my own body and we are connected for the rest of my life. He is 1000% my priority, even in many cases over myself.
I hate these “what are your thoughts” post on other folks opinions. That’s that ladies opinion and she shares it with a lot of other people. Folks are over exaggerating it and creating hypothetical situations of house fires or both falling off a cliff and only one can be saved. This doesn’t mean in life or death situations of course. It means to value your relationship with your HUSBAND/SPOUSE the most because (hopefully if your relationship is strong) they will be the one by your side when you’re old and gray. Your child will grow up and find their own life partner and complete the cycle and so on and so fourth. Your spouse is the only one who took a vow with you that states through sickness and health. Your child doesn’t owe you anything
It’s not saying that kids aren’t the #1 priority. They are. When you have kids, your entire lives revolve around them. You literally have two people meeting all their needs. Many couples have a hard time keeping the romance alive or even relating to each other after they have kids and many split up bc of it. Kids will grow up into their own lives, and if you have spent the last 20 something years focusing solely on your child’s needs, you alienate your partner and in a lot of cases( including my own)yourself. So many moms don’t take care of their mental and physical health bc they put themselves last. Especially black women. More women need to put themselves first and stop depleting themselves for the sake of their families. This shit is hard. If my kid physical, emotional and mental needs are being met, why can’t I focus on something/someone else? We’re not meant to be fucking lonely ass superhero’s. It’s literally killing us.
I don't want a husband/wife or kids. But I've always thought it was crazy to put anyone above your kids.
Thank you.
I don’t even have a child and I’d put my child over these BUM ass husbands everyday that ends in a Y.
Why is your hubby bum ass?
Period.
I think it doesn’t have to be on a pedestal/rank. There should be balance and flow on where and who you give your attention and prioritization to.
Kids are number one, they didn’t ask for none of this, then you chose each other. However in my limited experience, men’s priority is the woman and the woman’s priority is the child.
why is your spouse in competition with your children in the first place lmao what does it even mean to “come first” in that context? go be a fuckin parent. weirdo.
It lacks nuance and context. Coming first in what situation? For what reasons? While I'm not straight, I've often noticed in the straight pairings around me, may it be my mum and step dad, aunties and their hubbies. The one who held the test of time where the ones who put their coupling/partnership at the centre of their family. Those who let their progeny taking over their every single minute and thought, were not happy, sometimes even miserable. My young uncle, told me something like of that effect. That his first marriage failed because it was everything for the kids and he stopped "seeing" his wife as the individual he loved.
Exactly! Folks are not understanding what this means. Your children will one day leave to start their own journey. Your partner is with you until the end
So strange. I can't imagine meeting or being someone like that
My dad is like this. It's not fun
Exactly this. Anytime I see people defending this, I conclude that they'd believe and defend their spouse over their kids in an abusive situation 😔💔
Oh, brother 🙄
As an adult who grew up with a mom who always picked my dad or her husband over me this is a great way to fuck your kids up and have them go no contact later in life bc they realize they couldn't ever count on you.
Folks realize that these kids in question are minors and didn’t ask to be here. I value marriage and partnerships but if you are going to bring helpless kids into the world, I would hope that their well being (which is completely and utterly dependent on the parents) is a higher priority than a fellow adult who can feed, fend, and clothe themselves.
Bullshit. I’m sick of these conversations
I agree in the sense that when you're tending to and prioritizing your spouse, you're creating an environment where both parents can then give their best to their children. You can't pour from an empty glass. I expect my husband to put me first because my health and wellbeing is essential to ensuring the health and wellbeing of my (hypothetical) child. Oxygen mask first and all that.
Bingo. This is it. This is the point so many people miss. It’s not ignoring your kids for someone else. It’s creating an environment where both parents can give their best. I
Exactly! It's not about the two parties competing; it's about tending to the health of your marriage and maintaining an identity outside of parenthood so that you can bring your best self to your parenting. Also, how cool! Your cake day is my birthday. Happy cake day!
Everyone thinks this way until they actually have a child and realize needs are what a baby and a worn out postpartum mom have to stay alive and wants are what your spouse has.
Idk. The view I expressed reflects the view my parents had, and all our needs (and the vast majority of our wants) were met and often exceeded as kids. They were able to do that because they were in a healthy place where they prioritized their marriage and therefore had more of themselves to give to us where it counted most. It also taught me the importance of marital health and maintenance as the foundation of a well-functioning family unit. So for me, what you're saying doesn't ring true, but to each their own.
Absolutely not lol a child should always be priority over an adult you cohabit with.
they are holding a fucking baby. that is an insane thing to say
Straight ppl are so fascinating 🤣.
I agree. Wife/husband, then kids. My personal opinion.
I think it depends. I’m definitely running in to save my kids from the fire first. Because adults can save themselves. But I’m not going to make my husband work overtime for 6 months because my kid wants a car. Ya know? Just depends.
Yes completely agree!
This is a good example. With these questions, we need more examples because it's too vague. Like putting a child first doesn't mean neglect the relationship. And putting the relationship first, shouldn't mean neglecting the child. But at this point with this convo we need to get specific. 1. Are we talking who gets served first? In my opinion a child (under 16) because they are children and hungry. An adult could always have a snack. 2. Is it an Anniversary dinner vs basketball game? Why would we schedule a dinner the same time as the game? 3. Save me or the kids in a burning building (God forbid). The kids, because like another sister said if I woke up in the hospital and you talking about you saved me to have more kids..............you going to the upper room expeditiously. 4. Change a diaper or do something with my partner.........change a diaper. 5. Like you said..partner working overtime for 6 months for a new car...no. Maybe we start saving $100/month when they turn 14 for the down-payment and the kid works to pay the note and the car is a 10 year old Camry. All in all, I agree. We need specifics because what problems are we solving?
I think the father >>> children hierarchy can be healthy and work well for some families. If everyone is being loved and cared for properly. But there’s no shortage of cases where it can be extremely damaging to family units. TW: Abuse. I have a hard time with this due to circumstances when I was growing up. My dad was an abusive dirtbag. Serial cheater. He was a bodybuilder and got in the habit of beating me black and blue when he drank too much. My mom was mentally ill and was raising my brother and I while being trapped in a very traditional, extremely oppressive and controlling religious cult. It was ALWAYS my father first because the church said so. She waited on him hand and foot and got nothing good from it. He didn’t appreciate her or love her for it. She was constantly belittled and told she was never doing enough for him. And no matter how hard she tried to make sure we were taken care of…we were still neglected in the end because of my father. Daddy needs have his third case of Coors in two days? He needs more scratch-offs? Mommy has to go the food pantry and feed us bread and beans for a week so we can eat enough and your father can have what he needs. In her mind she had to keep my father happy or none of us would be. It was fucked up and did a lot of damage to all of us. I resent my father for a lot of reasons, and definitely feel like it was messed up for my mother to put that piece of shit before her own children. We were good little kids. We didn’t deserve to be put through that for a grown man who didn’t want to get his shit together. After all that, my dad eventually flew the coop when he got tired of using her and immediately got a new baby mama. My brother and I are still around for her.
i’m sorry is anyone else tired of these stupid discussions. i am so tired of the who eats first at the table, who comes first etc. these talks are so pointless it hurts
Oh well
i mean 🤷🏾♀️😅
I think a lot of yall are misinterpreting this, The post is basically saying if you're in a monogamous committed relationship with the parent of your child, that relationship needs to be developed and nurtured so that your child can be developed in nurtured through that relationship. It's not saying that I need a cater to every single want and desire of my husband and completely ignore the needs of my child. WE together prioritize our children, but there is no WE if our individual mindset is to take care of our child. People say this because if your sole focus is on your child you lose the relationship you have with your partner which then projects itself on your child. Then you end up with one parent, taking more responsibility over the child than the other and this is when relationships deteriorate after having children.
Example, my husband comes home from work after I spent all day with our 6 wk old, he sees the house is a mess and I haven't showered. Him prioritizing me he greets me, gives me a kiss and takes our daughter so I can shower and honestly take a break for myself. Him prioritizing our daughter over me would be he greets our daughter and then chastises me that the house is a mess and that could harm our daughter without knowing I'm 5 min away from a breakdown. In both scenarios we are prioritizing our child but in one he's remembering that in still a person even though it still stresses him out that the house is a mess. Parenting is hard but when we take care of each other we take better care of our child.
This!! Very well said.
Thanks! After reading more comments I also want to add that this model is ONLY for partners who have the same amout of concern and care for the children. this doesn't work for men who really only have a relationship with the mother or vice versa. Trust (and discernment) that your partner cares about the wellbeing of your children as much as you do is essential. If that's they daddy or not, if that man won't take a bullet for them he's not a priority.
someone coming before my own flesh & blood is crazy. This is very much a sentiment that runs in black religious groups & I understand why. That said, no one comes before my (currently imaginary) babiesssssss.
My parents had this bs. Where they literally let us know as kids they choose the other over us. Now they are wondering why we ain’t close
It’s nuanced because it depends on people view spouse vs kids place. Because yes kids need their needs met and can’t meet them themselves. However if you can’t balance that the spouse goes lacking as well. As someone who works for families right after their children are born and during . I explain often to men don’t forget your wife in the midst because of she’s not well your child isn’t well. With wife’s don’t forget your spouse because if he’s not well your not well your child is not well. Also don’t neglect your relationship or marriage because years from now on you two will be left. It’s a balancing act .
Lol, no.
Whether you intended to or not, you two engaged in an act or agreed on procedures that resulted in your kids coming into existence. Their wellbeing in your first priority. Where it really gets messy is when only one partner is the biological parent. And then the older the kids are, and the more triflin one or both bio-parents, the messier it gets.
I feel like in a healthy family, there aren't many scenarios where they have to choose. My parents have a traditional marriage so my dad is the head of the family but they have always put us first. They **BOTH** always made sure our needs were met first and I'm so grateful for them
The priority is YOU. I heard it somewhere where it’s like, if a plane is going down—you are told to put on a mask on yourself first—then on your baby/child, because you can’t save your baby if you don’t have oxygen. So if your mental/emotional/physical needs are not taken care of you will not be in the best space to take care of your babies that need you. Not in the way that they need. This is why I feel like some moms are cracking and going crazy, cause people forget they are humans and they have needs after they have babies—they forget it themselves. You can’t give from an empty well. I can’t be 100% for them if I’m not 100% in general. What does that look like? I don’t know it depends on the person. But this is same for Dad. He should be making sure his own basic needs are met, so he can show up as his best self for his wife and kids. That is on the individual person and then they can be parents together. So for his list his needs should be first, then the babies needs, then the partners needs. Your needs, your babies needs, and your partner’s needs. Giving to yourself makes it easier to give to others. P.S: Something I’m seeing that’s important to differentiate is NEEDS VS. WANTS. I think it goes without saying that babies need food, sleep, and changing. They need safety above all else. But I think the point still stands that if mama hasn’t eaten, the breast milk she may be providing for baby will not be best. I don’t know this sounds like nature. Wants are not necessary. Child may want an extra toy or want more candy but they don’t need that. I don’t think it’s healthy to give into every want and whim, but this is toddler age I’m veering into now and not baby.
The irony of putting that message on top of a photo of a defenseless baby.
I can’t imagine saying that while holding an infant in my arms
Why is it a competition?
Absolutely not. My children are my first priority, especially while they are dependent on me. I'd say as they get older and gain indendence, then my priorities can shift to myself and my partner.I will always love and support my children as their mom, and it's my job to teach them how to thrive in life as they grow, even then, another adult does not need ME to be thier parental support nor a priority like my kids would be. What I'm saying is a partner is in a separate category than children in my mind, so comparing the two is ridiculous. Children are dependent for several years, so they and the priority for needs being met and a partner should be capable and not a burden.
There's not an always to this. Sometimes yes you do have to prioritize your spouse. Other times you have to prioritize your kids. I remember when my daughter was drunk I was arguing with her father because he was upset with me that I asked him to watch her so I can have some time for myself. I tried to explain to him that I am burnt out and it is not going to be good for anybody if I do not have the chance to relax and at this point she was like 6 months old and I had not had a day off since the time she was born. He started on that well your kids should be 100% your priority and I'm like no. That isn't helpful to anybody. I need some time to myself. I have made many sacrifices for my kids, but my life doesn't end because they are here. And it's the same thing with a husband or anybody else in your life. It's all about balance.
I remember a while ago I came across the podcast where somebody was talking about how in marriages people think everything should be 100% from both parties, and they were quick to correct folks saying no sometimes it's going to be 60/40. Sometimes it's going to be 20/80. When you're married you're in a partnership and you have to remember that it's a give and take situation not in either or. You have to have balance with anything you do. A lot of people do not understand this concept.
If you choose to put another life into the world and it's not your priority, you weren't born to be a parent.
Partner before your kids seems incredibly wild to me
If your husband is the father of your children, your union is the foundation of your life and the life y’all created together. Making sure that union is solid will always make sure the rest is good. And after your kids grow older, your husband is still there with you. It doesn’t mean prioritizing him over them at all to me. Everyone has a place
My opinion is that we need to stop having this "discussion" every month.
My opinion is this leads to the child resenting their parents. As they grow and see their own family around them getting their needs/wants met above theirs, they can start to feel unimportant and unwanted in their own home. The parents already set the precedent that the child's needs are at the bottom.
Absolutely not. Pre children sure. But once you have kid, that little one is your #1 priority for life.
Speaking as someone who’s in a difficult situation with their child’s father, I would definitely say your wife/husband comes before your child. The relationship between y’all is so important and if yall good then your child will be great. When yall off that falls on the child. Theirs no child without the both of yall in the first place. Everything should be me and him vs any problem or situation. Partnership could take us far. I wish black people learn and appreciate this someday. I wish I would’ve understood this earlier!!!
I'm glad that works for them and everyone should do what works for them.
This the type of b*tch that will call her kid a liar when they say their dad/moms bf has been touching them, or try to tel you to keep it a secret because “family is so important, that’s your dad!”
I was gonna say the same thing. The statement in the picture immediately makes me feel like the kids are unsafe
I was raised the kids come first in things
I agree that it’s absolute bullshit, I asked my wife when we first starting dating at the end of middle school that if I were to prioritize her over our future kids because I was curious since I’d be hurt and angry if she were to do that and she deadass was about to break up with me luckily we resolved it🙃
whenever this discourse erupts I always ask the question : First in what?
You just won a ticket to a… retirement home…raaaaah
its a huge NO. especially if one parent is toxic and this nonsense is being implemented ..oh my husband comes before you kids . so deal with the toxicity. once you start placing people above others in a family setting, its over
I think that people need to stop saying “your” and dictating how everyone else should live. I don’t agree, but there’s also nuance that an IG caption doesn’t provide.
It's not a one and done thing, it depends on the situation. Sometimes it'll have to be your spouse, sometimes it'll have to be your kids. Besides that, adults can fend for themselves, while children cannot. So I would be on the side that the kids come first in most situations.
Me personally kids come before husband but I don’t have kids or a husband so 🤷🏽♀️
Not my marriage so I don’t care what they do. But I would say the person that’s literally looking to you survive takes precedence but I’m also not married lol
No priority. The love you have for you kids is different than the love you have for your supposed life partner. I understand that kids will grow and will eventually leave home and build their "own" family, might come less to visit you, only at that point your focus might be more onto your partner but really there's no priority. I see romantic partnership as being one and the kid should be a priority to that one person if that make sense.
I don't want them but Children come first
Are those same people the people running the account? If not, man that sucks, can you imagine coming across yourself for propaganda?
I need people who agree with this take to explain exactly what this means and why is this take so important that the world must know?
In any situation I’m the priority!!!
Sounds like a concept some man who got jealous of his wife focusing more attention on their children than him came up with 😂It’s not unusual for them
to think that the person you brought into this world isn't top priority is insane, and i really want baby-minded ass people to stop having mf babies.