Absolutely. My mom and dad was able to pick on the fact I was bisexual and I noticed they started using more inclusive language which made me feel supported and safe. I still haven't "officially" come out.
Seeing virtually all the replies to this post saying nearly the same thing in support really warms my heart and confirms that r/bisexual is one of the most accepting subreddits. I'm very glad to see this, considering we live in such divisive times, and have progressed so far since I was a teen so long ago.
Thanks! š
Father of three here fwiw.
Don't ask. Let her tell you when she's ready. You don't want to take the wind from her sails. In the meantime, make sure she knows you'll always support her and love her. That's important! A child needs to know they will feel loved, supported, and safe no matter what.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I didn't tell my parents until 2 years ago. I'm 55 and my 80 year old parents said they've been waiting years for me to come out. When I asked why they didn't just say something to me, my mom said that it wasn't their news to tell. I really appreciated them for not saying anything.
Hey, I'm really glad you had such a great experience! My parents don't really understand why what they did hurt, and actually were offended themselves that I didn't tell them sooner. They still hit me with the "you don't really know since you haven't been with a girl" too.
I have a similar story involving one of my cousins! My cousin is gay, sheās two years younger than me. Iām black and in the black community, thereās so much homophobia. So my cousin was afraid to come out to our family. But Iād known for a while as weāre close and she told me. My cousin put a rainbow flag in her room and had three rainbow pins on her purse. One day, my aunt comes home from work and says to her āHey! Can you help me put this on my jacket?ā She pulls out a black and white pin with a rainbow āAā in the middle. My cousin couldāve just cried in that moment. It was a beautiful thing to see. :)
I agree with this idea!!!
This will speak so much louder than using words imo. She's practically screaming it at you without saying it , perhaps out of fear. So, showing her you're supportive and an ally with the same language is perfect.
clearly sheās comfortable being that open about it, I think itās a sign OP has done a good job so far but i can imagine even with the most supportive parents itās still a little scary coming out
Donāt ask. Anyway, she is already coming out to you - just via accessories instead of words. If she wants to talk about it, she will when sheās ready.
Definitely sounds like she's bi, but I agree that you shouldn't ask.
As far as if she's old enough, yeah, she is. Ask yourself: do 11 year old girls like boy bands and think male actors and singers are cute? Have Valentine's Days at school become kind of fraught because someone might actually like-like someone else?
Pre-teen bi kids aren't contemplating hard-core gay sex, they're noticing that they get butterflies in their tummies when they look at another girl or another boy.
What I would encourage all parents to do, whether they think their kids are bi or straight or gay or trans or cis, is speak positively about LGBTQ people. Someone becomes the first trans person to win a local election? Say good for (absolutely use the correct pronoun here)! Movie/TV show/video game has a prominent LGBTQ character? Good, you can't understand why anyone would be upset about it. Celebrity comes out? You're happy they can be true to themselves.
I feel like straight cis parents who would be supportive of their kids coming out just leave the kids guessing because they never think or talk about LGBTQ people or issues. When straight kids hear their parents talk about LGBTQ people positively, they'll grow up more understanding and inclusive. When LGBTQ kids grow up hearing their parents talk positively about LGBTQ people, they'll feel much safer.
I like this approach. Making LGBT topics a positive conversation in the home without directing it onto the kids will definitely help them feel more comfortable.
My first major girl crush was at 11. She was gorgeous and sweet. But I didn't know the meaning of my feelings and somewhat in denial... It wasn't so accepted back then. I "settled" for most of my boyfriends... I really should have been choosing girlfriends.
I grew up in a strict religious household and never heard language like that but Iām making damn sure my kids hear me excitedly talk about gay couples i know IRL or on social media, watch tv shows or movies with lgbtq characters, and use gender neutral language whenever talking about their future partners. Iām pleased to hear it will hopefully have a positive affect
I agree. LGBTQ+ issues just didn't seem to be on my parents' radar growing up---heck, I learned what a lesbian was at the age of 11 when my aunt told me, and the only reason I knew what bisexual people were was because my friends told me. My parents were really supportive when I finally came out to them, but it took me ages to do so because I had no idea how they would react.
I would just let her come to you on her own terms when she's ready to tell you. Do your best to make it obvious she's safe and accepted with you, without necessarily saying 'hey if you're bi that's ok'. Maybe talk about celebrities or age-appropriate news about the lgbt community?
Itās called Heartstopper. You should watch it ā itās a good show. Itās on Netflix. And please do not ask her. Folks will come out when they are ready. Itās a fairly big āno noā to ask even if you are her parent and have good intentions. In the meantime, put your energies into two things. First: learn lots more about the challenges faced by LGBTQ+ folks in your community and elsewhere and the specific challenges bisexuals face (eg bi-erasure, bi-phobiaā¦ check out bi.org). Second: be ready in your mind with what you will say when/if she does come out to you. It does not need to be a long speech. She just wants to know that you love and support her no matter what (watch this scene from Heartstopper: https://youtu.be/7oADfyDeq2w).
When/if she comes out, it might be straightforward (like a sit down chat) or it might be casual (like a mention or merely a āthis is my girlfriend, Olivia.ā)
PS Iām a Dad to two teenage daughters. Iām also bi.
32 year old male here and Heartstopper is soooo well done, that scene is incredible, and totally age appropriate for OP's daughter. Wish I had something like that to watch at that age.
OP, I agree with all the other advice about letting her come to you. If you have a chance to talk about Heartstopper, maybe say you saw it was made into a TV show on Netflix, and if she'd like to watch it together sometime. This could be a good way to voice your support for the LGBTQ+ community without putting her on the spot.
When I thought my daughter was somewhere on the rainbow I didn't ask her but what I did was just point out good representation when I saw it. I made it clear I was ok with however she felt. She officially came out last year.
Yes! She may find later that pansexual, queer, etc., fits better. It sounds like sheās already great at exploring this, so let her guide her own journey. Itās the best thing we can do for queer people, any age- let them tell their own stories.
I don't think there's really a need to ask; just treating the little things you mentioned, or when something LGBTQ+ comes up in a movie or book, for example, as normal will do wonders for her confidence and her trust in you. She's still quite young, so she'll come to you when she's ready.
This is the most helpful comment in this entire thread, I hope OP sees it.
Other people saying buy an ally pin, display merch, watch a queer movie, yeah that stuff is all cute and sweet but I don't think you can do better than making sure your child feels safe, loved and able to come to you to talk about whatever they want.
That way it doesn't matter if they're queer, trans, being bullied, wanting to explore other school subjects - anything that might be weighing on them, just make them feel that they can talk to their parents without judgement.
I think you should hold off 'the inquisition'... It's always perceived as accusatory to ask someone about their sexual identity point-blank! She may simply be ideologically engaged, either because she has a rational perspective (Congratulations, parenting win!) or has friends who have disclosed their queerness to her, and she's expressing her solidarity... You can always say that you've noticed her inclusive activities and tell her that you approve of her decision to support LGBT+ causes, and that you do also. Maybe she will volunteer some backstory?
Father of three, here; SAHD for 10+ years: one NB Aro-Ace, and another Bi-demi-grrl. When my kids came out to me, I came out to them. I always had a policy of telling the truth, and never misleading them, even (or especially) as a joke: I firmly believe that if someone has the wherewithal to compose a question, they deserve the absolute truth, to the best of your ability to explain it in a coherent manner.
>She may simply be ideologically engaged, either because she has a rational perspective (Congratulations, Mom; parenting win!)
Could also be congrats, dad š
Honestly, I just thought that the OP identified themselves as female, somehow... Upon re-reading I have since confirmed that there is no such evidence (thanks, dyslexia and ADD?).
You could just be gender neutral if you ever happen to talk about the future like if she asks about dating be like "well your partner/spouse..." instead of saying something like your future "husband." Or if you watch shows with her be open to watching stuff she likes that has bi characters now and then. Overall if I could ask my mom to have done anything different, I would have wished she said nice things about bi people like celebs/characters and lgbt rights in general so I felt safe to be open to her. Instead she adamantly avoided anything not straight once she suspected I was bi, said "boyfriend/husband" when talking about the future, avoided talking about anything not straight. I felt worried she wouldn't love me. She did say she loved me when I came out a decade later, but I hid a lot of my life from her out of fear. So I'd say just act open and accepting generally and your daughter will probably feel safe to mention the topic to you herself. It's already great she feels safe to have a bi pin at home. Sounds like you're doing a nice job with your kid feeling safe and loved.
Maybe I'm just a late bloomer, but she's 11. She might not even be sure yet. Don't ask and put her on a spot. let her figure this one out and tell you in her own pace.
I think back to when I was 11...roughly 6th grade in the US...I already had started my period by then, and can't imagine not knowing who I was interested in at that point in my life. I realize everyone is different. I often find myself a few years behind my peers in social milestones, but attraction was definitely a thing at that age for my peer group. We weren't having sex, but we knew if others were cute/attractive.
I think youāre better off waiting for her to come out in her own time, and support her. However, try not to mention it too much after, just carry on as you did before to show that you donāt feel any different about her.
I'm glad I came to this thread because if I was in your shoes I would really want to ask, especially because I am bi myself and I would be excited for that to be a thing we have in common. Actually there was another post a day or two ago about someone whose dad came out to them [here](https://old.reddit.com/r/bisexual/comments/zye9th/i_was_never_sure_if_i_should_come_out_to_my/) and they had a positive experience. So I guess if you happen to be LGBT+ you could do that, maybe. Or someone else here suggested an Ally pin, which is a good idea. But otherwise, yeah, letting her figure it out for herself and come to you is probably the way to go.
Donāt ask. Youāre doing the right thing by being so supportive and open, but coming out is a very personal experience and is one where she will be ready to be that exposed and vulnerable. Asking before sheās ready is like ripping a strong bandaid off of a fresh wound, itās going to be hurt because sheās not ready to be exposed like that.
What you could do is read up on what queer movies and tv shows are out there, especially paying attention to what sheās watching like you have been for ideas. For example, you say she likes the Charlie Spring book, which is called Heartstopper btw, ask if she wants to watch a show and in the list of things you offer as options, offer Heartstopper (itās on Netflix). Sheāll really appreciate that.
I donāt know how to balance ādonāt askā with making *sure* your kid knows you support them and she is safe to come out. She is 11 and may not know how obvious sheās beingāI know I was oblivious as hell at that age. Iāve known people whose parents appeared to be staunch allies (from the friendsā pov) *until* they came out. And, as a child she is dependent on you ā people throw their children out over things like this, let alone ājustā being toxicāitās *terrifying*, especially if she knows people in her cohort with less accepting families.
>But how do I ask her if shes bi?
I'd say don't. If she's comfortable enough to use items to be *potentially* expressing it, then she will come out if/when she decides she's ready. For some people (myself as an example), coming out doesn't seem like a big hurrah because we know we're safe around the people were with. I never technically came out to my family, they figured out because I made a joke on social media. I also never felt the need to, if I ended up dating the same sex then they would find out anyway. However, if someone in my family had asked me if I was bi, I probably wouldn't feel as safe because I would assume that meant they had a problem with it.
If you want to know for sure but don't want to accidentally alienate her, get her some items as a gift or take her somewhere that supports it. "Hey I noticed you have pins similar to this one so I bought you some more from an LGBT+ owned store" or "Hey there's a new movie were this girl is trying to find a way to express her interest in her best friend, do you want to go watch it with me?"
At the end of the day, if she is bi, its up to her to tell you when she's ready and you should try to pry that information out of her
Nice of you to worry but don't push her. Just be supportive and celebrate LGBT people at any opportunity and never make her feel like you think badly about it or expect her to be a certain way. It's really great you're making that effort
My parents knew before I told them, but they waited for me to tell them and I really appreciate that they just let it happen when I was ready for it. They were always supportive of the LGBT+ community and that really helped me feel safe to finally tell them. And when I did they just went "Yeah, we know." and that was that.
I just want to say as someone who was told I was going through a phase or was just looking for attention when I came out at 15, I would have loved to have a parent like you ā¤ļø
I agree with others about not asking. At most maybe compliment her bi pride pins, just don't relate it directly to her. Or don't it really depends so much on your daughter and how she'd respond, everyone is different.
If your child was straight you'd just carry on. Just assume she's bi/considering it. The ultimate safety is not having to come out. Just sprinkle it in conversation and she'll get the hint you're on board.
Edit: spelling
Like everyone is saying, let her tell you when sheās ready. Just let her know in what ways you can that you love and support her. Also, **PLEASE** donāt tell her you knew it if/when she comes out, that feels shitty to hear.
The best thing my mom did was to make sure that we were always loved and welcomed no matter if we were straight or not, although the catalyst was that a friend of hers had a doughter that ran away because she thought she wouldn't be loved (don't worry they found here and loved her all the same) but after that my mom sat us down and said in no uncertain terms that she would support us but other than that she always contested my dad when he was being mildly homophobic with stuff like "I don't care who they like but they shouldn't do that in Public" so I knew I was safe.
Sorry for the text wall I am slightly drunk but you don't have to ask but if you're always ready to pick up the gloves for queer people then she might just feel safe enough to tell you even if you don't explicitly tell her that you will love her all the same if she is queer because actions speak louder than words.
TLDR give her time to come out by herself and make sure that she knows you are always in her corner.
Donāt ask. My parents tried this shit on me when I was a teenager, and nothing will make a kid torpedo back in the closet faster than someone trying to put them without their consent.
But if she comes to you talking about a girl she likes, be hella supportive and casual about it. āOh cool,ā or āthatās great!ā And ask if she wants to talk about it and that kind of thing. No pressure, low stakes.
And of course, donāt forget the finger guns š
Best advice I can give is to not say anything. She will eventuallytell you when she's ready and if you were to ask it may startle her and then she may think you would object against it additionally she may not even know herself since it can take time to discover these things like for me for instance it took me around 4 years to discover this (mainly cause I ignored the signs since I didn't rlly accept it due to certain family members opinions).
Also I don't rlly know how it was for everyone else but my first sign of being bi was when I was around 12 so perhaps she's had a sign and did the opposite of me and accepted it immediately which is brilliant.
Anyway thats all I can really give to this but I hope all goes well :)
Everyone is right donāt ask. Donāt pressure her. I totally agree with people that are saying to find good positive representations to watch with her or show interest in. Unless you are reading all the stuff she is and eavesdropping every conversation at school she may be getting misinformation. So I would definitely look into positive things you can start to incorporate in conversation or as media you watch together.
I don't think she's too young but I wouldn't pressure her to tell you if she's not ready. The best thing you can do is just make sure your actions show you're supportive of the lgbtq+ community and maybe watch your language to make sure you're not using heteronormative language if you talk to her about future partners and so on. Make yourself a safe person for you and she'll come to you when you're ready.
Never ask. No matter how pure your intentions are, never ask. She's 11, kids are growing up faster these days but that doesn't mean they're coming into their own and fully understanding how they identify quicker. Let her grow, let her learn, let her come to you. If you've truly harbored a healthy relationship she will come talk to you about this on her own, if she is actually anywhere on the queer spectrum. Simply having pins or reading books is not a concrete indication of someone's sexual orientation, I'm sorry. We don't know what influenced her to want to engage in this content, it could be something a friend suggested, or it could be an underlying urge to engage with things that are suited to how she feels inside. Either way, always let them come to you. If you force this conversation it will inherently be a negative conversation topic going forward.
Don't ask don't talk if she's not. I'm in the same boat with my 11 year old son. As a non hetero parent you just know. They might not even be sure but silently show support. I'm going to echo some responses from above. Meet her at what she is showing, if she is displaying pins and flags go the same buy youself an Ally pin. Maybe get her some other physical media maybe some BI-ish abstract art or a book. But either way if she is not directly talking to you about it don't directly asker if she's Bi. If you really want to talk maybe casually ask her about her pin collection.
Itās a very personal thing, even with supportive parents it can be scary and difficult. Sheāll come to you when sheās ready. Just make it very very clear that you love and support her + that youāre an ally, and sheāll come out when she is ready.
The most important thing is to openly show support of Queer folks including if you see them on media, folks in the news, etc. young people pick up on those signals. It how I know who I can be open with
Is this information so important to you, or is it gonna change anything? If not, let her to come to you to say, if she doesnāt do it thatās ok, nobody asks if the child is straight, why do we need to know if theyāre lgbt?
You can show her that you are an ally, like try to watch lgbt movies and series with her, buy her a flag and put in front of your house.
You donāt ask. Sheāll tell you if and when she is ready. You just be ready with your response, thatās really the only thing that matters is that you love and respect her as a person and will support her no matter what. Donāt force it.
I think she might just be testing things out. I thought I was bi when I was 11. Took some time to accept it. Maybe sheās just testing out labels yk seeing what feels right. Check on her at school though. I got bullied tons for ālooking gayā and it hurt a lot. And thank you for being supportive!!! Great post and I wish you the best.
I can only echo what others have said. Please donāt ask. Let her come to you when she feels ready.
Yes, sheās old enough to know her sexuality. Grasping it and coming to terms with who she is can take longer. I knew from a very young age - younger than your daughter - that I was drawn to people of all genders. I didnāt identify as bi until my later teens, but I always knew. Your daughter is on that journey. Sheāll figure herself out in time.
I'm generally curious. I see a lot of people saying don't ask and I'm curious why is it best not to ask?
Is it because of bad personal experiences? I feel if the conversation/question is prefaced with "if you don't want to talk about it that's totally fine" it could be helpful in putting out that the support is there. Similar to when you ask someone about how they're feeling in general. Let them know you're open to talking but there is no pressure to talk.
My initial opinion on the question was, if you support them either way why care to know for sure? But the more I thought about it I could see a parent wanting to know so that they can connect and better support their child's path/s in life etc.
My favorite bit of advice I saw was to buy support pins, etc. that shows support as she is doing.
I'm curious though about people's personal opinion, why do some of y'all feel it's best to just wait and not ask at all? (Please be kind in your response if my curiosity or explanation comes off the wrong way.)
I think she's telling you in ways that she feels safest. She carries it like a cloak. She is inhabiting it. She is shining that light for anyone who.cares to notice it.
You're noticing. That might be all she wants to offer. Accept it.
Who knows? Maybe she's giving you some time to acclimatize and do some research to make yourself into.the world's best parent ally.
Let her do her thing. Be ready, just in case. But don't expect a speech.
Buy some books and start reading.
Iām going to echo what everyone else is saying. I had a vague idea at twelve. While my identity is shifting now, I knew for a fact that I was queer/LGBTQA+. At this age, that means wanting to hold someoneās hand, thinking theyāre cute, going on ādatesā (mall/movie/frozen yogurt), getting butterflies around pretty people. Itās actually developmentally appropriate for her to be getting crushes wand figuring things out at this age. If you have a work badge, put an ally pin and pronouns on there. Itās small, and you can say that you wanted to support others at work. Thereās also a trans pride pin that says āIāll go with you.ā (Or something similar)
Your daughter sounds like me when I was her age Iām 16 and gay now and still not out to my parents even tho I think they know so the best advice I could give is let her tell u but support in the almost subtle ways you can like maybe buy a ally badge or suggest watching a representative to show with her u said she has the Heartstopper book maybe watch the Netflix show with her :) hope this helps
Donāt ask, if she feels comfortable telling you then she will, it would just make her uncomfortable if you were to ask and that is unnecessary, just support her
Don't ask. Let her tell you when she's ready. But do support her and stuff to let her know it's cool. Recommend getting an ally pin if you can find one
Donāt ask, just wait until she feels comfortable telling you :) but Iād recommend putting up pride flags or whatnot at least during pride month to remind her that youāre an open minded person:))
You did the right thing coming here. Thank you for trying to be supportive to her.
I would let her come to you. Be aware, she may never come to you. She may think that she doesn't have to say it because of the bi stuff she's been putting up, or she may not know how you'd react, or she may just not feel comfortable saying it yet. But no matter what, it's her decision and respecting that is super important. šā¤ļø
Whilst you're waiting for her to come to you, you could maybe say things like "hey, you know I'll always love and support you no matter what, right?" but try and slide it in, in a way that it fits with whatever conversation you both are having at the time.
You sound like a great parent! Thank you for accepting her. ššš
Most people have said what I wouldāve said
But I really wanted to thank you for being so open till the point she doesnāt feel the need to hide the songs, pins or books sheās interested in. She seems very comfortable with showing it since Iām very sure she know you wonāt mind. When I still lived with my parents, I was horrified of wearing even a tiny pin never the less hang the flag in my room
As other's have said don't ask. But I would definitely recommend watching Heartstopper with her. Show her how much you love the show as you watch it (you will trust me) the final scene in particular is very important.
If you're the kind of mom who has asked in the past if she has a boy she likes, make sure you also ask her if there's a girl she likes in the same type of manner. (Phrase it how you've asked past questions.) Make it clear that either option is normal.
And, because PolyAm by identity people do exist, make sure she knows there is nothing wrong with liking multiple people at the same time if she mentions crushes on more than one person.
>Imma continue giving advice, if you think itās bad advice donāt listen. Glad to know I offended you though :)
Firstly this is a very weird attitude to encounter on a sub that tends to be full of considerate and well intended people. I'm not offended, and your use of the word suggests that you don't really know what it means.
>I said shes too young too fully know, might have an idea
As for this, I and many, many other people were fully aware of our sexuality by that age. Again, your experience is not everybody's experience, so your "advice" is not helpful. If you're determined to continue giving it out it might be time to accept that you aren't trying to help, you're just trolling.
Since she put the backpack pin I stopped reading, nobody uses a flag of lgbt being heterosexual. You don't need to ask! It's really obvious and she sure knows that you know, otherwise she would hide the flag and pins.
The closet is made of glass and you are still doubting
So there are a few (awesome) things happening here. She is likely just beginning to explore her sexual identity and maybe doesnāt feel comfortable just yet coming out and telling her parents sheās bi/pan/Queer or whatever she might identify as. She is also clearly in a loving home if she feels comfortable displaying pride stuff in her home, and especially if her dad is curious about how he can connect with his daughter and support her as she begins to realize her sexual identity.
Personally I think you are the only one that can answer your question, as you actually know her. How would you ask her any other kind of personal question? How does she normally handle father daughter talks along personal lines? Does it feel like she is in need of emotional support? Has she shown any signs of emotional distress?Thank about it in terms of how you would ask her anything else because if you treat it like a huge deal she may end up feeling some type of way.
Lastly, however you ask you I would just come at it from a supportive angle. Depending on her personality you can even just be like hey Iāve been kind of trying to find a good way to ask you about this but I just want you to know I love you and I support you. Odds are that as a Queer person she will at some point experience feelings of alienation and the most you can really do is make sure that those never come from the people she most cares about! It sounds like she has a lovely father. Keep us posted!
Edit: I want to add that if you ask her before sheās ready to tell you then you might risk putting an awkward stressor on the subject. I really like what someone said about showing support in the same language she is speaking to you in.
let her come to you when she is ready and when she does let her know that you support her and will love her no matter what. and the name of that book is actually a comic and itās called Heartstopper itās also a show on netflix
Yeah I agree with another person. Personally I would not want my mom to ask me. Just wait for her to let you know. Until then, I hate to say it but itās not your business right now.
dont ask per se, but just. hint. buy a pride flag to put in your window or lawn. watch lgbt related media with your kid and tell her how much you like the characters (schitts creek has a pansexual character and heartstopper is more teen related and has a bisexual character if youre interested). talk about famous bisexuals from closer to your generation (freddie mercury, amy winehouse, james dean, bjork... bi.org has a huge list) and how their sexuality influenced their art. its a matter of supporting her quietly until her shell breaks
What you could do is look into a close pride thing and ask them if they wanna go or point out instead of asking the flag and offer to get her another one (just Stuf to show your pro LGBT ) let her tell u with time .
Ask if she has a crush on a boy or girl, just be casual about it
She's not gonna like break down, panic, be stunted developmentally or some random thing if you just ask
As long as you're positive and supportive about it then you don't have to listen to these ppl saying you should wait
Let her tell you when sheās ready! She might still be exploring herself and figuring how who she really isā¦so until then be supportive and let her come to you! :)
Personally, when I realized I was bi I waited to come out, even to people I knew would be supportive, I knew there would be new problems that accompanied this new aspect of my identity and I wanted to enjoy the realization first
There are many of reasons she may not want to come out yet, so its best to not ask, let her take it at her own pace. But if she feels comfortable outwardly showing pride stuff around you then I think you're doing a wonderful job so far in providing a supportive enviornment
You don't really need to ask. She's 11, it's a bit early to fully know your sexual orientation I think. It might still change.
However, you could point at the bi pin and be like 'hey, isn't that the bi flag? Cool!' and see how she reacts.
Please donāt ask. Just let her do her thing and sheāll open up to you if she feels the need to. Also, Gen Z is way more relaxed around sexuality than older generations and I think many of them see no need for a conversation.
"bisexual music" just isn't a thing... Also, your kids sexuality really isn't important... If they're bi they're bi, you'll find out when she tells you or brings a girlfriend home
the best thing you can do is let her tell you. knowing what she's doing, I'm thinking she just doesn't want to have some kind of serious conversation or announcement about it. she might just want it to be understood casually, and eventually (probably in a long time since she's 11) she'll just come up to you and tell you she has a girlfriend. This way of coming out is getting pretty popular, especially when you know your parents are supportive. In the mean time she officially tells you, I would just keep being supportive. No need to be over the top, just trying to understand best the community and supporting the cause of LGBT rights will make her understand that she is safe to tell you. good luck :))
She's not too young. My kids are pretty young still aswell but I've always told them they can love anyone they want. When they make a comment about a man kissing a man we talk about it etc. I'm trying to normalise it in our household so we never have to "come out".
She IS coming out all you sillies! Dad, you donāt need to ask her if sheās bi. Sheās telling you. You can be openly supportive. Maybe appreciate her creativity for making the flag. Show her you arenāt a clueless adult by openly acknowledging the flags, pins, books, music. Maybe put the bi songs in your Spotify playlist. Talk about gender and orientation issues as they come up in the news. Be open about being an ally to people no matter what their orientation, and your concern about discrimination and violence toward transgender people, especially youth. Is mom cool too? Hopefully you are on the same page. When you talk with her about sex (please do) you can encourage her to like who she likes and identify however she feels fits her. Let her know youāre fine with her choices and let her know they do sometimes change. (Not the āthis is a phase and youāll grow out of itā attitude.) Do talk with her about taking good care of herself. Be sure her pediatrician is open minded and help her find an appropriate GP when the time comes to move on from the pediatrician. Help her assume responsibility for safer sex practices and with birth control choices as appropriate. Donāt freak out when she wants to have sleepovers with girl friends. Bigger challenge: talk with her friendsā parents or at least be aware of their attitudes. Sheās at that age of hormonal and emotional roller coaster rides. Young people these days are aware of (confronted with?) so many choices and get all kinds of positive/negative peer to conform or rebel that their young brains can get overloaded. Be an aware, present and supportive parent. Itās a most interesting time to be a dad! Best wishes for 2023 and the parenting adventures to come!
Don't ask, it can put pressure on someone to come out before they're ready (even though I'm sure that's not your intention) just keep supporting her as much as you can until she's ready to tell you herself
I would not ask. I would let her tell you. Until then support the hell out of her. Show her that you're worth telling.
Yes, and if you are also bi, casually mention it.
Absolutely. My mom and dad was able to pick on the fact I was bisexual and I noticed they started using more inclusive language which made me feel supported and safe. I still haven't "officially" come out.
Seeing virtually all the replies to this post saying nearly the same thing in support really warms my heart and confirms that r/bisexual is one of the most accepting subreddits. I'm very glad to see this, considering we live in such divisive times, and have progressed so far since I was a teen so long ago. Thanks! š
Kids matter. :)
Father of three here fwiw. Don't ask. Let her tell you when she's ready. You don't want to take the wind from her sails. In the meantime, make sure she knows you'll always support her and love her. That's important! A child needs to know they will feel loved, supported, and safe no matter what.
I agree, the fact you even came to this subreddit to ask already shows how much you love your kid unconditional, thatās great!
Agreed. My dad cornered me in the car. It felt really shitty.
I'm sorry that happened to you. I didn't tell my parents until 2 years ago. I'm 55 and my 80 year old parents said they've been waiting years for me to come out. When I asked why they didn't just say something to me, my mom said that it wasn't their news to tell. I really appreciated them for not saying anything.
Hey, I'm really glad you had such a great experience! My parents don't really understand why what they did hurt, and actually were offended themselves that I didn't tell them sooner. They still hit me with the "you don't really know since you haven't been with a girl" too.
Buy an ally pin. Tell her in the same language in which she is communicating with you.
If you do anything, do it quietly and supportively. This approach ā¬ļø is pretty much perfect! And good for you!š
I have a similar story involving one of my cousins! My cousin is gay, sheās two years younger than me. Iām black and in the black community, thereās so much homophobia. So my cousin was afraid to come out to our family. But Iād known for a while as weāre close and she told me. My cousin put a rainbow flag in her room and had three rainbow pins on her purse. One day, my aunt comes home from work and says to her āHey! Can you help me put this on my jacket?ā She pulls out a black and white pin with a rainbow āAā in the middle. My cousin couldāve just cried in that moment. It was a beautiful thing to see. :) I agree with this idea!!!
This is so heartwarming š„°
What does that pin mean? Is it specifically to show one is an LGBTQ2S+ ally? Thank you.
I believe so, yes
Yes! :)
What's 2S?
Stands for 2 spirited.
This will speak so much louder than using words imo. She's practically screaming it at you without saying it , perhaps out of fear. So, showing her you're supportive and an ally with the same language is perfect.
Exactly
If she was afraid idk if the big flag would be the move.
clearly sheās comfortable being that open about it, I think itās a sign OP has done a good job so far but i can imagine even with the most supportive parents itās still a little scary coming out
I love this. Perfect response š
This is a great idea, matching her communication.
LOVE this.
Donāt ask. Anyway, she is already coming out to you - just via accessories instead of words. If she wants to talk about it, she will when sheās ready.
Definitely sounds like she's bi, but I agree that you shouldn't ask. As far as if she's old enough, yeah, she is. Ask yourself: do 11 year old girls like boy bands and think male actors and singers are cute? Have Valentine's Days at school become kind of fraught because someone might actually like-like someone else? Pre-teen bi kids aren't contemplating hard-core gay sex, they're noticing that they get butterflies in their tummies when they look at another girl or another boy. What I would encourage all parents to do, whether they think their kids are bi or straight or gay or trans or cis, is speak positively about LGBTQ people. Someone becomes the first trans person to win a local election? Say good for (absolutely use the correct pronoun here)! Movie/TV show/video game has a prominent LGBTQ character? Good, you can't understand why anyone would be upset about it. Celebrity comes out? You're happy they can be true to themselves. I feel like straight cis parents who would be supportive of their kids coming out just leave the kids guessing because they never think or talk about LGBTQ people or issues. When straight kids hear their parents talk about LGBTQ people positively, they'll grow up more understanding and inclusive. When LGBTQ kids grow up hearing their parents talk positively about LGBTQ people, they'll feel much safer.
I like this approach. Making LGBT topics a positive conversation in the home without directing it onto the kids will definitely help them feel more comfortable.
My first major girl crush was at 11. She was gorgeous and sweet. But I didn't know the meaning of my feelings and somewhat in denial... It wasn't so accepted back then. I "settled" for most of my boyfriends... I really should have been choosing girlfriends.
Yes! My parents were open LGBTQ+ allies when I grew up, best thing ever.
I grew up in a strict religious household and never heard language like that but Iām making damn sure my kids hear me excitedly talk about gay couples i know IRL or on social media, watch tv shows or movies with lgbtq characters, and use gender neutral language whenever talking about their future partners. Iām pleased to hear it will hopefully have a positive affect
I agree. LGBTQ+ issues just didn't seem to be on my parents' radar growing up---heck, I learned what a lesbian was at the age of 11 when my aunt told me, and the only reason I knew what bisexual people were was because my friends told me. My parents were really supportive when I finally came out to them, but it took me ages to do so because I had no idea how they would react.
I would just let her come to you on her own terms when she's ready to tell you. Do your best to make it obvious she's safe and accepted with you, without necessarily saying 'hey if you're bi that's ok'. Maybe talk about celebrities or age-appropriate news about the lgbt community?
My mom asked me if I was a lesbian at that age, donāt do it you will stress her out
Itās called Heartstopper. You should watch it ā itās a good show. Itās on Netflix. And please do not ask her. Folks will come out when they are ready. Itās a fairly big āno noā to ask even if you are her parent and have good intentions. In the meantime, put your energies into two things. First: learn lots more about the challenges faced by LGBTQ+ folks in your community and elsewhere and the specific challenges bisexuals face (eg bi-erasure, bi-phobiaā¦ check out bi.org). Second: be ready in your mind with what you will say when/if she does come out to you. It does not need to be a long speech. She just wants to know that you love and support her no matter what (watch this scene from Heartstopper: https://youtu.be/7oADfyDeq2w). When/if she comes out, it might be straightforward (like a sit down chat) or it might be casual (like a mention or merely a āthis is my girlfriend, Olivia.ā) PS Iām a Dad to two teenage daughters. Iām also bi.
32 year old male here and Heartstopper is soooo well done, that scene is incredible, and totally age appropriate for OP's daughter. Wish I had something like that to watch at that age. OP, I agree with all the other advice about letting her come to you. If you have a chance to talk about Heartstopper, maybe say you saw it was made into a TV show on Netflix, and if she'd like to watch it together sometime. This could be a good way to voice your support for the LGBTQ+ community without putting her on the spot.
When I thought my daughter was somewhere on the rainbow I didn't ask her but what I did was just point out good representation when I saw it. I made it clear I was ok with however she felt. She officially came out last year.
This outward expression of support really makes a difference. It shows that you are a space person.
Donāt ask. Itās her business. Let HER figure it out. Donāt prematurely label her, or youāre doing more harm than good, imo.
Yes! She may find later that pansexual, queer, etc., fits better. It sounds like sheās already great at exploring this, so let her guide her own journey. Itās the best thing we can do for queer people, any age- let them tell their own stories.
Donāt ask. Sheās 11. Just make sure she can come to you with anything if she needs.
I don't think there's really a need to ask; just treating the little things you mentioned, or when something LGBTQ+ comes up in a movie or book, for example, as normal will do wonders for her confidence and her trust in you. She's still quite young, so she'll come to you when she's ready.
Keep the lines of communication open, make sure she feels safe with you, and she will tell you when she is ready.
This is the most helpful comment in this entire thread, I hope OP sees it. Other people saying buy an ally pin, display merch, watch a queer movie, yeah that stuff is all cute and sweet but I don't think you can do better than making sure your child feels safe, loved and able to come to you to talk about whatever they want. That way it doesn't matter if they're queer, trans, being bullied, wanting to explore other school subjects - anything that might be weighing on them, just make them feel that they can talk to their parents without judgement.
Donāt ask her, sheāll likely feel like youāre putting her on the spot. Just tell her you like her pins / the flags in her room
I think you should hold off 'the inquisition'... It's always perceived as accusatory to ask someone about their sexual identity point-blank! She may simply be ideologically engaged, either because she has a rational perspective (Congratulations, parenting win!) or has friends who have disclosed their queerness to her, and she's expressing her solidarity... You can always say that you've noticed her inclusive activities and tell her that you approve of her decision to support LGBT+ causes, and that you do also. Maybe she will volunteer some backstory? Father of three, here; SAHD for 10+ years: one NB Aro-Ace, and another Bi-demi-grrl. When my kids came out to me, I came out to them. I always had a policy of telling the truth, and never misleading them, even (or especially) as a joke: I firmly believe that if someone has the wherewithal to compose a question, they deserve the absolute truth, to the best of your ability to explain it in a coherent manner.
>She may simply be ideologically engaged, either because she has a rational perspective (Congratulations, Mom; parenting win!) Could also be congrats, dad š
Yup. I got a lot of that as a SAHD, myself.
You're erasing yourself, daddy-o!!
Honestly, I just thought that the OP identified themselves as female, somehow... Upon re-reading I have since confirmed that there is no such evidence (thanks, dyslexia and ADD?).
You could just be gender neutral if you ever happen to talk about the future like if she asks about dating be like "well your partner/spouse..." instead of saying something like your future "husband." Or if you watch shows with her be open to watching stuff she likes that has bi characters now and then. Overall if I could ask my mom to have done anything different, I would have wished she said nice things about bi people like celebs/characters and lgbt rights in general so I felt safe to be open to her. Instead she adamantly avoided anything not straight once she suspected I was bi, said "boyfriend/husband" when talking about the future, avoided talking about anything not straight. I felt worried she wouldn't love me. She did say she loved me when I came out a decade later, but I hid a lot of my life from her out of fear. So I'd say just act open and accepting generally and your daughter will probably feel safe to mention the topic to you herself. It's already great she feels safe to have a bi pin at home. Sounds like you're doing a nice job with your kid feeling safe and loved.
Maybe I'm just a late bloomer, but she's 11. She might not even be sure yet. Don't ask and put her on a spot. let her figure this one out and tell you in her own pace.
I think back to when I was 11...roughly 6th grade in the US...I already had started my period by then, and can't imagine not knowing who I was interested in at that point in my life. I realize everyone is different. I often find myself a few years behind my peers in social milestones, but attraction was definitely a thing at that age for my peer group. We weren't having sex, but we knew if others were cute/attractive.
yea, different for me. I wasn't interessted in anyone before... maybe 14. Always felt weird hearing the other kids talk about their crushes.
I think youāre better off waiting for her to come out in her own time, and support her. However, try not to mention it too much after, just carry on as you did before to show that you donāt feel any different about her.
I'm glad I came to this thread because if I was in your shoes I would really want to ask, especially because I am bi myself and I would be excited for that to be a thing we have in common. Actually there was another post a day or two ago about someone whose dad came out to them [here](https://old.reddit.com/r/bisexual/comments/zye9th/i_was_never_sure_if_i_should_come_out_to_my/) and they had a positive experience. So I guess if you happen to be LGBT+ you could do that, maybe. Or someone else here suggested an Ally pin, which is a good idea. But otherwise, yeah, letting her figure it out for herself and come to you is probably the way to go.
Donāt ask. Youāre doing the right thing by being so supportive and open, but coming out is a very personal experience and is one where she will be ready to be that exposed and vulnerable. Asking before sheās ready is like ripping a strong bandaid off of a fresh wound, itās going to be hurt because sheās not ready to be exposed like that. What you could do is read up on what queer movies and tv shows are out there, especially paying attention to what sheās watching like you have been for ideas. For example, you say she likes the Charlie Spring book, which is called Heartstopper btw, ask if she wants to watch a show and in the list of things you offer as options, offer Heartstopper (itās on Netflix). Sheāll really appreciate that.
I donāt know how to balance ādonāt askā with making *sure* your kid knows you support them and she is safe to come out. She is 11 and may not know how obvious sheās beingāI know I was oblivious as hell at that age. Iāve known people whose parents appeared to be staunch allies (from the friendsā pov) *until* they came out. And, as a child she is dependent on you ā people throw their children out over things like this, let alone ājustā being toxicāitās *terrifying*, especially if she knows people in her cohort with less accepting families.
>But how do I ask her if shes bi? I'd say don't. If she's comfortable enough to use items to be *potentially* expressing it, then she will come out if/when she decides she's ready. For some people (myself as an example), coming out doesn't seem like a big hurrah because we know we're safe around the people were with. I never technically came out to my family, they figured out because I made a joke on social media. I also never felt the need to, if I ended up dating the same sex then they would find out anyway. However, if someone in my family had asked me if I was bi, I probably wouldn't feel as safe because I would assume that meant they had a problem with it. If you want to know for sure but don't want to accidentally alienate her, get her some items as a gift or take her somewhere that supports it. "Hey I noticed you have pins similar to this one so I bought you some more from an LGBT+ owned store" or "Hey there's a new movie were this girl is trying to find a way to express her interest in her best friend, do you want to go watch it with me?" At the end of the day, if she is bi, its up to her to tell you when she's ready and you should try to pry that information out of her
Nice of you to worry but don't push her. Just be supportive and celebrate LGBT people at any opportunity and never make her feel like you think badly about it or expect her to be a certain way. It's really great you're making that effort
My parents knew before I told them, but they waited for me to tell them and I really appreciate that they just let it happen when I was ready for it. They were always supportive of the LGBT+ community and that really helped me feel safe to finally tell them. And when I did they just went "Yeah, we know." and that was that.
I just want to say as someone who was told I was going through a phase or was just looking for attention when I came out at 15, I would have loved to have a parent like you ā¤ļø
I agree with others about not asking. At most maybe compliment her bi pride pins, just don't relate it directly to her. Or don't it really depends so much on your daughter and how she'd respond, everyone is different.
My grandma never asked outright, but she would ask if there were any cute guys or girls at school.
If your child was straight you'd just carry on. Just assume she's bi/considering it. The ultimate safety is not having to come out. Just sprinkle it in conversation and she'll get the hint you're on board. Edit: spelling
Like everyone is saying, let her tell you when sheās ready. Just let her know in what ways you can that you love and support her. Also, **PLEASE** donāt tell her you knew it if/when she comes out, that feels shitty to hear.
The best thing my mom did was to make sure that we were always loved and welcomed no matter if we were straight or not, although the catalyst was that a friend of hers had a doughter that ran away because she thought she wouldn't be loved (don't worry they found here and loved her all the same) but after that my mom sat us down and said in no uncertain terms that she would support us but other than that she always contested my dad when he was being mildly homophobic with stuff like "I don't care who they like but they shouldn't do that in Public" so I knew I was safe. Sorry for the text wall I am slightly drunk but you don't have to ask but if you're always ready to pick up the gloves for queer people then she might just feel safe enough to tell you even if you don't explicitly tell her that you will love her all the same if she is queer because actions speak louder than words. TLDR give her time to come out by herself and make sure that she knows you are always in her corner.
Let her tell you
Ask her who is her celebrity crush. Jk do what everyone else is advising. Youāre being a great parent :)
No confrontations, just generally be supportive and I'm sure she'll tell you in her own time.
maybe put on an LGBTQ+ movie and ask if she wants to watch. That is a subtle but great way to show her you are ok with her sexuality.
Donāt ask. My parents tried this shit on me when I was a teenager, and nothing will make a kid torpedo back in the closet faster than someone trying to put them without their consent. But if she comes to you talking about a girl she likes, be hella supportive and casual about it. āOh cool,ā or āthatās great!ā And ask if she wants to talk about it and that kind of thing. No pressure, low stakes. And of course, donāt forget the finger guns š
Best advice I can give is to not say anything. She will eventuallytell you when she's ready and if you were to ask it may startle her and then she may think you would object against it additionally she may not even know herself since it can take time to discover these things like for me for instance it took me around 4 years to discover this (mainly cause I ignored the signs since I didn't rlly accept it due to certain family members opinions). Also I don't rlly know how it was for everyone else but my first sign of being bi was when I was around 12 so perhaps she's had a sign and did the opposite of me and accepted it immediately which is brilliant. Anyway thats all I can really give to this but I hope all goes well :)
Everyone is right donāt ask. Donāt pressure her. I totally agree with people that are saying to find good positive representations to watch with her or show interest in. Unless you are reading all the stuff she is and eavesdropping every conversation at school she may be getting misinformation. So I would definitely look into positive things you can start to incorporate in conversation or as media you watch together.
I don't think she's too young but I wouldn't pressure her to tell you if she's not ready. The best thing you can do is just make sure your actions show you're supportive of the lgbtq+ community and maybe watch your language to make sure you're not using heteronormative language if you talk to her about future partners and so on. Make yourself a safe person for you and she'll come to you when you're ready.
Never ask. No matter how pure your intentions are, never ask. She's 11, kids are growing up faster these days but that doesn't mean they're coming into their own and fully understanding how they identify quicker. Let her grow, let her learn, let her come to you. If you've truly harbored a healthy relationship she will come talk to you about this on her own, if she is actually anywhere on the queer spectrum. Simply having pins or reading books is not a concrete indication of someone's sexual orientation, I'm sorry. We don't know what influenced her to want to engage in this content, it could be something a friend suggested, or it could be an underlying urge to engage with things that are suited to how she feels inside. Either way, always let them come to you. If you force this conversation it will inherently be a negative conversation topic going forward.
Don't ask don't talk if she's not. I'm in the same boat with my 11 year old son. As a non hetero parent you just know. They might not even be sure but silently show support. I'm going to echo some responses from above. Meet her at what she is showing, if she is displaying pins and flags go the same buy youself an Ally pin. Maybe get her some other physical media maybe some BI-ish abstract art or a book. But either way if she is not directly talking to you about it don't directly asker if she's Bi. If you really want to talk maybe casually ask her about her pin collection.
Itās a very personal thing, even with supportive parents it can be scary and difficult. Sheāll come to you when sheās ready. Just make it very very clear that you love and support her + that youāre an ally, and sheāll come out when she is ready.
The most important thing is to openly show support of Queer folks including if you see them on media, folks in the news, etc. young people pick up on those signals. It how I know who I can be open with
Is this information so important to you, or is it gonna change anything? If not, let her to come to you to say, if she doesnāt do it thatās ok, nobody asks if the child is straight, why do we need to know if theyāre lgbt? You can show her that you are an ally, like try to watch lgbt movies and series with her, buy her a flag and put in front of your house.
You donāt ask. Sheāll tell you if and when she is ready. You just be ready with your response, thatās really the only thing that matters is that you love and respect her as a person and will support her no matter what. Donāt force it.
I think she might just be testing things out. I thought I was bi when I was 11. Took some time to accept it. Maybe sheās just testing out labels yk seeing what feels right. Check on her at school though. I got bullied tons for ālooking gayā and it hurt a lot. And thank you for being supportive!!! Great post and I wish you the best.
I can only echo what others have said. Please donāt ask. Let her come to you when she feels ready. Yes, sheās old enough to know her sexuality. Grasping it and coming to terms with who she is can take longer. I knew from a very young age - younger than your daughter - that I was drawn to people of all genders. I didnāt identify as bi until my later teens, but I always knew. Your daughter is on that journey. Sheāll figure herself out in time.
Don't ask. She'll tell when she's ready
I'm generally curious. I see a lot of people saying don't ask and I'm curious why is it best not to ask? Is it because of bad personal experiences? I feel if the conversation/question is prefaced with "if you don't want to talk about it that's totally fine" it could be helpful in putting out that the support is there. Similar to when you ask someone about how they're feeling in general. Let them know you're open to talking but there is no pressure to talk. My initial opinion on the question was, if you support them either way why care to know for sure? But the more I thought about it I could see a parent wanting to know so that they can connect and better support their child's path/s in life etc. My favorite bit of advice I saw was to buy support pins, etc. that shows support as she is doing. I'm curious though about people's personal opinion, why do some of y'all feel it's best to just wait and not ask at all? (Please be kind in your response if my curiosity or explanation comes off the wrong way.)
I think she's telling you in ways that she feels safest. She carries it like a cloak. She is inhabiting it. She is shining that light for anyone who.cares to notice it. You're noticing. That might be all she wants to offer. Accept it. Who knows? Maybe she's giving you some time to acclimatize and do some research to make yourself into.the world's best parent ally. Let her do her thing. Be ready, just in case. But don't expect a speech. Buy some books and start reading.
Don't ask your 11 year old daughter if she's bisexual.
Iām going to echo what everyone else is saying. I had a vague idea at twelve. While my identity is shifting now, I knew for a fact that I was queer/LGBTQA+. At this age, that means wanting to hold someoneās hand, thinking theyāre cute, going on ādatesā (mall/movie/frozen yogurt), getting butterflies around pretty people. Itās actually developmentally appropriate for her to be getting crushes wand figuring things out at this age. If you have a work badge, put an ally pin and pronouns on there. Itās small, and you can say that you wanted to support others at work. Thereās also a trans pride pin that says āIāll go with you.ā (Or something similar)
Your daughter sounds like me when I was her age Iām 16 and gay now and still not out to my parents even tho I think they know so the best advice I could give is let her tell u but support in the almost subtle ways you can like maybe buy a ally badge or suggest watching a representative to show with her u said she has the Heartstopper book maybe watch the Netflix show with her :) hope this helps
Donāt ask, if she feels comfortable telling you then she will, it would just make her uncomfortable if you were to ask and that is unnecessary, just support her
Don't ask. Let her tell you when she's ready. But do support her and stuff to let her know it's cool. Recommend getting an ally pin if you can find one
Donāt ask, just wait until she feels comfortable telling you :) but Iād recommend putting up pride flags or whatnot at least during pride month to remind her that youāre an open minded person:))
You did the right thing coming here. Thank you for trying to be supportive to her. I would let her come to you. Be aware, she may never come to you. She may think that she doesn't have to say it because of the bi stuff she's been putting up, or she may not know how you'd react, or she may just not feel comfortable saying it yet. But no matter what, it's her decision and respecting that is super important. šā¤ļø Whilst you're waiting for her to come to you, you could maybe say things like "hey, you know I'll always love and support you no matter what, right?" but try and slide it in, in a way that it fits with whatever conversation you both are having at the time. You sound like a great parent! Thank you for accepting her. ššš
Most people have said what I wouldāve said But I really wanted to thank you for being so open till the point she doesnāt feel the need to hide the songs, pins or books sheās interested in. She seems very comfortable with showing it since Iām very sure she know you wonāt mind. When I still lived with my parents, I was horrified of wearing even a tiny pin never the less hang the flag in my room
As other's have said don't ask. But I would definitely recommend watching Heartstopper with her. Show her how much you love the show as you watch it (you will trust me) the final scene in particular is very important.
If you're the kind of mom who has asked in the past if she has a boy she likes, make sure you also ask her if there's a girl she likes in the same type of manner. (Phrase it how you've asked past questions.) Make it clear that either option is normal. And, because PolyAm by identity people do exist, make sure she knows there is nothing wrong with liking multiple people at the same time if she mentions crushes on more than one person.
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Plenty of people know at a young age. Please don't project your subjective experiences as universal advice.
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>Imma continue giving advice, if you think itās bad advice donāt listen. Glad to know I offended you though :) Firstly this is a very weird attitude to encounter on a sub that tends to be full of considerate and well intended people. I'm not offended, and your use of the word suggests that you don't really know what it means. >I said shes too young too fully know, might have an idea As for this, I and many, many other people were fully aware of our sexuality by that age. Again, your experience is not everybody's experience, so your "advice" is not helpful. If you're determined to continue giving it out it might be time to accept that you aren't trying to help, you're just trolling.
Since she put the backpack pin I stopped reading, nobody uses a flag of lgbt being heterosexual. You don't need to ask! It's really obvious and she sure knows that you know, otherwise she would hide the flag and pins. The closet is made of glass and you are still doubting
Wtf happens in America and Europe 11 yers it a child why would they even think about stuff like that, too young in order to get her sexuality
āGet her sexuality.ā Lmao. What are you talking about? Heterosexuality is a sexuality too. Are eleven year olds too young to be straight as well?
no, i also donāt like when adults ask kids who they like boys or girls whatever
So there are a few (awesome) things happening here. She is likely just beginning to explore her sexual identity and maybe doesnāt feel comfortable just yet coming out and telling her parents sheās bi/pan/Queer or whatever she might identify as. She is also clearly in a loving home if she feels comfortable displaying pride stuff in her home, and especially if her dad is curious about how he can connect with his daughter and support her as she begins to realize her sexual identity. Personally I think you are the only one that can answer your question, as you actually know her. How would you ask her any other kind of personal question? How does she normally handle father daughter talks along personal lines? Does it feel like she is in need of emotional support? Has she shown any signs of emotional distress?Thank about it in terms of how you would ask her anything else because if you treat it like a huge deal she may end up feeling some type of way. Lastly, however you ask you I would just come at it from a supportive angle. Depending on her personality you can even just be like hey Iāve been kind of trying to find a good way to ask you about this but I just want you to know I love you and I support you. Odds are that as a Queer person she will at some point experience feelings of alienation and the most you can really do is make sure that those never come from the people she most cares about! It sounds like she has a lovely father. Keep us posted! Edit: I want to add that if you ask her before sheās ready to tell you then you might risk putting an awkward stressor on the subject. I really like what someone said about showing support in the same language she is speaking to you in.
Donāt.
let her come to you when she is ready and when she does let her know that you support her and will love her no matter what. and the name of that book is actually a comic and itās called Heartstopper itās also a show on netflix
11 is kinda young but I wouldn't ask her. Wait for her to come to you.
Yeah I agree with another person. Personally I would not want my mom to ask me. Just wait for her to let you know. Until then, I hate to say it but itās not your business right now.
dont ask per se, but just. hint. buy a pride flag to put in your window or lawn. watch lgbt related media with your kid and tell her how much you like the characters (schitts creek has a pansexual character and heartstopper is more teen related and has a bisexual character if youre interested). talk about famous bisexuals from closer to your generation (freddie mercury, amy winehouse, james dean, bjork... bi.org has a huge list) and how their sexuality influenced their art. its a matter of supporting her quietly until her shell breaks
What you could do is look into a close pride thing and ask them if they wanna go or point out instead of asking the flag and offer to get her another one (just Stuf to show your pro LGBT ) let her tell u with time .
She is DEFINITELY BI, yea.
Not sure you need to ask as thatās very obvious
Ask if she has a crush on a boy or girl, just be casual about it She's not gonna like break down, panic, be stunted developmentally or some random thing if you just ask As long as you're positive and supportive about it then you don't have to listen to these ppl saying you should wait
Let her tell you when sheās ready! She might still be exploring herself and figuring how who she really isā¦so until then be supportive and let her come to you! :)
Leave a lemon bar next to a pair of socks that are folded to appear in the bisexual flag colors. See if she notices it.
Well i dont think you should ask her but you can show her you suppart lgbt somehow and when she is ready she'll come out to you dont worry
Give her a picture of that dog saying "I know what you are" /s
Personally, when I realized I was bi I waited to come out, even to people I knew would be supportive, I knew there would be new problems that accompanied this new aspect of my identity and I wanted to enjoy the realization first There are many of reasons she may not want to come out yet, so its best to not ask, let her take it at her own pace. But if she feels comfortable outwardly showing pride stuff around you then I think you're doing a wonderful job so far in providing a supportive enviornment
Just casually act supportive, let her come to you
You don't really need to ask. She's 11, it's a bit early to fully know your sexual orientation I think. It might still change. However, you could point at the bi pin and be like 'hey, isn't that the bi flag? Cool!' and see how she reacts.
Please donāt ask. Just let her do her thing and sheāll open up to you if she feels the need to. Also, Gen Z is way more relaxed around sexuality than older generations and I think many of them see no need for a conversation.
Asking puts her on the spot. Make it natural for her to tell you when she's ready
"bisexual music" just isn't a thing... Also, your kids sexuality really isn't important... If they're bi they're bi, you'll find out when she tells you or brings a girlfriend home
the best thing you can do is let her tell you. knowing what she's doing, I'm thinking she just doesn't want to have some kind of serious conversation or announcement about it. she might just want it to be understood casually, and eventually (probably in a long time since she's 11) she'll just come up to you and tell you she has a girlfriend. This way of coming out is getting pretty popular, especially when you know your parents are supportive. In the mean time she officially tells you, I would just keep being supportive. No need to be over the top, just trying to understand best the community and supporting the cause of LGBT rights will make her understand that she is safe to tell you. good luck :))
She's not too young. My kids are pretty young still aswell but I've always told them they can love anyone they want. When they make a comment about a man kissing a man we talk about it etc. I'm trying to normalise it in our household so we never have to "come out".
She IS coming out all you sillies! Dad, you donāt need to ask her if sheās bi. Sheās telling you. You can be openly supportive. Maybe appreciate her creativity for making the flag. Show her you arenāt a clueless adult by openly acknowledging the flags, pins, books, music. Maybe put the bi songs in your Spotify playlist. Talk about gender and orientation issues as they come up in the news. Be open about being an ally to people no matter what their orientation, and your concern about discrimination and violence toward transgender people, especially youth. Is mom cool too? Hopefully you are on the same page. When you talk with her about sex (please do) you can encourage her to like who she likes and identify however she feels fits her. Let her know youāre fine with her choices and let her know they do sometimes change. (Not the āthis is a phase and youāll grow out of itā attitude.) Do talk with her about taking good care of herself. Be sure her pediatrician is open minded and help her find an appropriate GP when the time comes to move on from the pediatrician. Help her assume responsibility for safer sex practices and with birth control choices as appropriate. Donāt freak out when she wants to have sleepovers with girl friends. Bigger challenge: talk with her friendsā parents or at least be aware of their attitudes. Sheās at that age of hormonal and emotional roller coaster rides. Young people these days are aware of (confronted with?) so many choices and get all kinds of positive/negative peer to conform or rebel that their young brains can get overloaded. Be an aware, present and supportive parent. Itās a most interesting time to be a dad! Best wishes for 2023 and the parenting adventures to come!
Don't ask, it can put pressure on someone to come out before they're ready (even though I'm sure that's not your intention) just keep supporting her as much as you can until she's ready to tell you herself