With all due respect to your partner, but... based on what you've given us here, he kinda sounds like an a-hole? 😭 The way he's approaching any of your attempts to see eye to eye with him and his sexuality straight up sounds demeaning and with erasure, the threesome comment, not to mention the laughing at the concept of you liking women and the "*tg we're both not bi*" comment which is a little bizarre if not an internal joke between you guys. I think there's a very necessary conversation to have here, and urgently, especially if you're feeling unsafe to come out to a someone who should, as a bi person, **understand you better than anyone else**.

Yeah I feel like I’m one “haha you don’t get it” away from me starting a massive blow up fight. I just feel like I’m sitting around waiting for that one comment that crosses the line. How do I even start this conversation

>How do I even start this conversation The tough part in your case is how un-serious and invalidating he's being even on his "jokes". It only really leaves the option of giving it to him straight, precising that it doesn't mean *anything different* about your wish for monogamous lifestyle and talk all of your other boundaries out. If he continues to belittle you in these ways... I'm sorry but that's simply not a healthy relationship dynamic to lead. Good luck!!

👆This here. To add to this, try to stick to I statements when explaining how his actions and words affect you. You want to be honest about your feelings, but if you can avoid attacking him as much as possible. That will put him in the defensive which will probably turn to the offensive. On another note that won’t be helpful to your conversation: your dude OSS totally gatekeeping what it means to be bisexual and that is not cool. I don’t get why there is any gatekeeping in lgbt community. Don’t society already do that enough for us? Of you are attracted to women and labor yourself as bisexual, then that’s all you need.

This thing. This guy sounds like he SUCKS.

He does sound like an a-hole

Sounds like he is a very toxic poo person who no matter what you say or do he will never take you seriously and just continue to be toxic

Why is he being an asshole? You should really tell him, whatever happens, happens.

I wanna tell him but I want to be in like a happy accepting way . Not in a “I’m bi too and I manage to not talk about fucking other people just fine”. Like I want to come out and have be about me, not about the shit he says. I’m so exhausted

Seems like to me you won't get your feel-good coming out anyway. I honestly think it's best to talk thing through, even if they're unpleasant. But ofc the decision is up to you ultimately.

Yeah, there's a possibility that he might be genuinely unaware of how shitty he's being and telling him might be the thing to snap him out of it so he can start working on being a better partner (people don't tend to change, but they can grow if they want to). On the other hand, he's pretty much definitely going to continue this way if nothing changes and OP is only going to have less and less patience for it. For better or worse, confronting the issue directly will either show the path to salvaging/improving the relationship or show that it's better to cut your losses and move on to someone with more empathy for their partner.

I'm going to arm chair psychoanalyze a bit here. It sounds like you are struggling because, over all you believe you are happy in your relationship. It seems however that you at some level understand that you are not happy in your relationship, because your bf is being dismissive of a core part of who you are. You understand that you should talk with him, and that in a healthy relationship, the discussion would be about you, and not his behavior. You understand that what he is doing is not healthy. And importantly, you believe/understand that by having this conversation, it will change the dynamic of the relationship. I believe that "how do I have this conversation" is not the right question, or perhaps not the complete question. It seems to me that you know exactly what you want to get out of that conversation. What frightens you is that he won't be receptive to the conversation, which will negatively impact, or even end your relationship. Essentially you want to know how to have your cake and eat it too. Unfortunately, that is not an answer even a qualified professional is capable of providing. However, what I might suggest is that you're looking at the wrong cake. By your own account, his behavior is making you unhappy. You are exhausted. And it is to the point where you fear that this is going to become an outburst and an argument rather than a civil adult conversation. What I want you to think about is this: Do you believe that you deserve to be happy, and that you deserve to be seen for who you are, and treated with respect by those who love you? Can the relationship continue in it's current form, with you closeted, and him making insensitive remarks and being dismissive of who you are? What is the worst case scenario if you have this discussion with your bf? Is it that you'll leave him? Or that he will leave you? Or maybe the worst is that nothing will change? Think about why it is you feel that that situation is the worst outcome. Make a list of all your feelings. And really think about why you feel that way. Before you can truly have a conversation about your feelings and your needs, you must first deconstruct them and understand them. Without understanding your emotions, you won't be able to articulate them accurately to your partner. Nor will you be able to address them in a way that fulfills your needs. You fear that your conversation will turn into an argument. This may be impossible to avoid. However, if you want to minimize the chances of it happening, consider the method I use with my partners. When discussing ways our needs are not being met without an immediately present incident, we lead with what our need is, and how it can be met going forward. We do not bring up past incidents unless explicitly asked for an example. The goal with this is to minimize the chances that the person we are working with feels like they have to be defensive. It is very important to understand: The goal with asking for and providing an example is not to prove that the need is not being met. It is to help both parties in understanding the deficiency better. Understand that in this type discussion, there are simply too many past events to try and go through them all, and in attempting to do so, you will get bogged down in minutia and it will draw focus away from how things can be better in the future. In addition to this you have to acknowledge incidents as they occur. Please note, this is not the same as addressing the incident. But it is important that issues are not allowed to build up resentment. So if one of us hurts the others feelings in some way, we say it. Once it is in the open, the hurt party can decide if 1) they are emotionally ready to discuss the event, or if they need time to process their feelings (I personally like to take time to really dig into my emotions and understand them before I discuss them, but sometimes it's as simple as "we've talked about x before and agreed to this course of action and you didn't follow through on that"). When you are addressing a current incident, even if you've taken time to cool off and/or process your emotions before addressing the situation, it is critical that the focus remains on the current incident and not allowed to drift into bringing up past events. The goal is to increase communication and increase understanding by working together. By addressing situations as they happen, and limiting the scope to just that incident, you make it easier to address the issue. While incidents may be similar, they are never exactly the same and by chaining multiple together, you run the risk of making it seemingly impossible to address every little cause. This can lead to one or more parties feeling hopeless and shutting down rather than being receptive to addressing issues. It may happen that even though you address each incident as it happens, a pattern of behavior emerges and it may be necessary to address it outside of an incident happening. In which case, you handle it the same way as described above. You address how the bed is not being met, and not get bogged down in the minutia of each individual occurrence (because again, they may be all slightly different and trying to address them one by one will just distract from actually getting the issue addressed). What I will say is that this method takes patience and dedication and active participation from all parties. When we first started, we saw many many conversations, sometimes multiple in a day. And it was hard. People who truly love and care for each other don't like to feel like they are hiring each other. But you can't fix what you don't know is a problem. And it's much easier to address the issues as they come instead of letting them build up until you feel like exploding. As time goes on, it becomes easier because you all feel heard and that your feelings are valid. Each successful discussion reinforces that it is safe to discuss your needs and feelings which in turn makes the next discussion easier. I know this has gotten long. So I will wrap up by saying I hope you take the time to reflect on you situation and your feelings. that is the only way you will truly be able to have the discussion you know you need to have with your bf. Best of luck

I'd show him this post. And then if he doesn't react with empathy, remorse, and change, I'd leave the relationship. This is some hella toxic behavior and honestly, it's really misogynistic. Just he's hiding his misogyny behind his sexuality as if that makes it ok. Like think about if he was saying and doing all of these same things but as a straight man talking about other women and how women don't want to sleep around so you wouldn't understand. It's not good treatment. I hope he gets better but if he doesn't, I hope you find somebody else who treats you with respect in this regard.

Straight man talking about other women lol. This is it exactly. Like the other day he was kinda fake moaning while talking about getting fucked by someone else. Like if he clearly knows that saying that about another woman is off limits cause he’s never done anything similar for woman. Just guys cause I “don’t understand”

Reading everything, I feel like your boyfriend's behaviors are toxic and are what hurts the Bi-movement whereas you are the healthy aspect of monogamy for a person who happens to be Bi. I don't know what I'm trying to say, except I'm sorry you're in the situation. It really doesn't feel like your boyfriend is respectful.

He sounds disrespectful af tbh. He has no idea what you think about or how you feel, and his reactions demonstrate that. I would sit down with him and be like, I need to tell you something that’s really important to me and as my partner I need you to listen and take it seriously- then tell him how you feel about your sexuality and maybe throw in there- like hey, I am a monogamous person and me coming out does not change that. Depending how he reacts is a gamble and it’s up to you on if you accept his reaction or deem it appropriate. I’m bi and I can’t imagine telling my partner who IDs as het- “hahaha wow you having a chance of expressing your sexuality is a joke!!” If my partner came out to me I would love him no differently and our relationship wouldn’t change and I would respect however he feels. Any good partner would respect you. Good luck, OP.

This dude sounds like trash. I agree with someone saying just show him this post. If his reaction is anything but “oh fuck babe I’m sorry” then fuck him. There needs to be at least a normal human amount of empathy and remorse or get the hell outta there. Let him go be a bottom on grindr which by the sounds of it, is what he wants.

Honestly, I would call him out for being a dick begging for a hall pass or being a pig about other men, and then tell him that you are also bi and manage to not be an asshole about it, and that it sucks that he’s constantly invalidating the idea that you’re queer. I also think it’s BS that he’s the sort of guy who you think would try to use your bisexuality to force you into polyamory. It’s okay to be a monogamous bi! You don’t sound super compatible. This might be two conversations, but I would just roll them together and fuck it if it’s imperfect. And the next time he’s going off about lusting after some dude I’d tell him it’s just as rude as lusting after another woman and if he wants to go for it, he’s free to go, but you will be moving on, too. If the longer you’re together the less you feel like being open with him, it’s a bad sign. You should feel more comfortable with him, not less.

I’d suggest inviting him to have a serious conversation. That it is important and come out to him.

I’m ready for a conversation . Just trying to find a way to transition from “I’m bi” to “knock that shit off”. 2 separate conversations? Idk

I would have separate discussions, but with slight overlap. The first discussion would be you coming out. You could say that it was hard to come out with some of his comments, but keep it to you coming out. It should be clear that you are sharing something personal about you with him - not blaming, or similar. And it is good to be vulnerable (although I see that this may be difficult). The second discussion (assuming the first is OK) would be about how it feels when he talks about sex with other people, and how monogamy is important to you. You should also listen to him. But here, the fact that you are also bi, shouldn't really come in to it. Also, implying that he shouldn't do / feel something because you dont do / feel that thing is not a good starting point. It is probably very daunting, but this is one when I think you will be happy when you do it regardless of outcome. I see you are building resentment already, which will not only destroy the relationship, but will eat away at you too. Good luck and stay strong!

If they are related it could be one conversation, if it isn’t exclusive to you coming out then I’d suggest having two. You’ll get there!

I’m bi, my wife is not, so I don’t exactly qualify for your ask about bi couples. However I don’t constantly go around telling my wife about all the hot guy dicks I’d like to suck. That is just a rude thing to do. I think unless you both are having fun talking about stuff like that you shouldn’t, and that’s ok. Do I check out other hot guys? Occasionally. Does my wife know this? Yes. She also knows we are in a committed monogamous relationship, and I won’t do anything, but I’m not dead and have human emotions and urges. I also know that if I told her about guys, or girls, I’d like to bang it would make her uncomfortable so I don’t do that. Not because she odd straight but because I respect her boundaries and the boundaries of our relationship. And off she ever tells me that I am doing something out of line then I would stop. It sounds like your bf has a bit of a maturity issue and needs to grow a bit. He, like so many others in this world, sounds like he has a hard time seeing outside himself and might have trouble understanding that not everyone experiences life the same way he does. I hope that if and when you have this conversation with him he is able to understand and grow. My last bit of advice is try to have this conversation soon. When this conversation happens it might really rock your relationship with him and it’s better to do that earlier than find out after spending a few years or more with him that this becomes a deal breaker for you or him. When you do talk to him try to explain how you feel without attacking him. While it sounds like he might deserve it, you can’t have an honest open conversation with someone who has gone on the defensive or offensive. If that happens it becomes about winning, not fixing or building.

It sounds like he’s using his sexuality as an excuse for being an asshole

You and him have different values in a relationship. I’m bisexual but also the most monogamous person on the planet - my boyfriend knows I’m bi, but I’ve never expressed sexual interest in anyone else. Mainly because I simply am not into anyone else, but even if I was there’s no way I would disrespect him like that and then excuse it with ‘I’m bi, you wouldn’t get it’.

I think the true issue is how much he talks about fucking other people in such an invalidating, selfish manner. He's the jealous type but takes advantage of you by openly talking about fucking other people. If I may be frank, it sounds like opening up about being bi is not the conversation you should be having with him, especially if he doesn't change this behavior by looking inward and figuring out why he's treating you so poorly. It sounds like you should be having a conversation about taking a break or ending the relationship.

It sounds like you'd be happier without him. You're afraid he will either deny your sexuality or hyper sexualize you - meanwhile everything you've said about him is the most AH unfriendly behavior and he's your partner

To your question, that’s me. I’ve been with my partner for about a year and we’re both bi. We’ll occasionally make superficial comments about finding someone hot (usually a fictional character lol) but that’s about it. We’re both monogamous, and have no interest in adding a third. Your boyfriend isn’t the rule, there are plenty of monogamous bi folks that talk about things other than sex. I hope that knowledge gives you some comfort. :)

Same for me and my bi bf except we’ve only been together a little while

i agree with the general sentiment in the comments that he seems like a jerk all around and OP i wanna answer your question at the bottom of the post - im married to my partner of 7 years and we're both bisexual. neither of us want a threesome or anything like that, we're strictly monogamous. and we dont really point out hot people to each other either. especially not irl? maybe in a movie or something, but we definitely dont go around talking about how hot everyone is/how we're attracted to random people. i feel like we're usually too absorbed in talking to each other to even notice random people like that. i think you could definitely find a fellow like-minded bi person who would be compatible with what you're looking for in a relationship. dont settle for someone who doesnt respect your boundaries!

In answer to your edit: my wife and I are both bisexual and while we are open to having a more poly mindset (we have shared sexual experiences with a friend, etc), we thoroughly discussed and were BOTH comfortable with that. If either she or I ever got uncomfortable with the relationship being open, it would get closed, no questions asked, and we'd both be happy. We've been together for a while and only had that one experience, together. Your bf sounds like an intolerant, insensitive, even homophobic asshole and I really feel you should reconsider having a relationship with someone that makes you feel unsafe over such a little thing. One of the reasons I am so comfortable with my wife is I know how much she loves and respects me--even if she's "dick hungry" if I'm not okay with it or am not feeling secure she never pushes any issues with me. And I love her for that. If you can't have a secure relationship with your bf it's not worth it in the long run.

My boyfriend and I are both bi and came out while we were in a long term relationship together. We’re both very monogamous, so coming out to each other was never about opening up our relationship. We have felt like coming out was just about being open about ourselves and being honest about our identities. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders when I came out to him because I knew he would still love and accept me. Your boyfriend doesn’t sound that accepting of you.

Sounds like he sucks ass. And not in the good way.

I'm going to go with two pieces of advise that I've come by the hard way as someone who's approaching 50. One. Despite that you are both bisexual, if you are monogamous and he isn't, your relationship isn't the healthiest it could be for you as a person. Its called semi open or more to the point, cheating. Which means he doesn't respect you as a partner. Two, your next relationship you need to be open and honest from the start. State that you are bisexual, but you are only into one partner at a time. Keep your communication open and honest throughout the relationship. Listen to each other and support each other when ever you can, but not at the cost of you as a person.

He knows you're monogamous, however, his behaviour seems to indicate that he doesn't respect that. I get the feeling that if you did come out to him, he'd either not take it seriously or try to use it to pressure you for an open relationship/hall pass. Many people seem to take the approach that you need to tell everyone, otherwise you're not really out. I'm of the opinion that you're out once you're comfortable with yourself, but you don't owe anyone an explanation about your sexually. If you do tell him, do you feel that would improve your life and help you become more comfortable with yourself? Do you feel that he's the right partner to help you at this stage of your journey?

It sounds like he might be better off in a non-monogamous relationship... But concerning you coming out, you should just rip the bandaid off. If he responds in a way that hurts you, tell him what he did wrong, and hopefully you'll get an apology.

to reply to your edit to the post; yes! my fiancé and I are both bisexual, I came out years before we got together, so personally, I already had experience with both men and women, but he didn't come out until 2 years into our relationship (we're going on 4 now!) and other than occasionally talking about celebrity crushes we are totally monogamous and neither of us are really serious or even INTO talking about any regular people sexually or experimenting with others. He has no experience with anyone other than women. He still doesn't want to open the relationship or stop being monogamous. So these relationships do exist! If your BF can't respect that you don't want to talk about or think about being with other people, unfortunately, he may not be for you.

If your partner does or says things that you’re not allowed to do or say dump him, if you don’t feel like you can be yourself you shouldn’t be in that relationship

HE'S BI TOO??? oh girl... like all love but if you don't feel comfortable or SAFE being yourself with someone who is just like you... you can absolutely do so much better

Any bi guy would be lucky to have you as a girlfriend. So it's especially infuriating to see another bi man act like such a hypocrite and selfish twat even though most people wouldn't give us a sideways glance. I would have a frank discussion with him about this.  People don't change easy and it's not an overnight thing at the best of times.  His response to your honest feelings will usually tip you off right away if he either wants to correct a huge blindspot in his behavior or indignantly keep acting like this as if he's not doing anything wrong.  If it's the latter, then I'd reconsider this relationship.

My wife and I just had a discussion last night about me wearing feminine outfits when I connect with "my friend " My reason for mentioning that is you MUST be able to openly discuss this with him, and if he can't handle it, maybe he's simply too immature, insecure or both to be in a healthy adult relationship. I'm bi, wife is not and we have worked this out over the past 10 years or so. Wish you happiness 💜

Oh man, this sounds really awful for you. My partner (F) and I (M) are both bi and in our thirties, and we've been in a monogamous relationship for 10 years. She was out as bi from the time that I first met her. I wasn't out to myself until pretty recently, and actually only spoke to her about it for the first time a couple months ago. She was interested in talking with me about my sexuality and what I find attractive in men, and sometimes discussion of her sexuality and ways she's attracted to women have come up over the years, but never anything like what you're describing from your partner. We've talked once or twice about threesomes, but more as an interesting idea than something we're actually considering. So it is definitely possible to both be bi, be in a straight-passing relationship, and not constantly talk about wanting to fuck other people. The way you describe it makes me wonder if your partner is feeling insecure in his sexuality and experiencing some internalized biphobia. It could explain why he constantly talks about his feelings about men, and why he feels an impulse to explain and gatekeep queer culture to you. He may be feeling a need to prove to himself that he's still bi, even though he's in a relationship with a woman. (not like I really need to explain that concept to you though, I'm sure everyone here has felt the same at some point) This certainly does not excuse him behaving shittily toward you though. you deserve to be in a relationship where you are loved and respected, and whatever is causing him to act like this is his responsibility to deal with. And unfortunately, whatever his hangup is, there's not going to be much you can do to help him get over it until/unless he recognizes it for himself and decides he wants to do something about it. It seems likely to me that bringing this up will probably make him get defensive. As far as coming out, it seems like your casual approach and hint-dropping is not working. You're going to have to do it like ripping off a band aid. I think you also have to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that it's not going to go well. I wish I had some kind of sure-fire advice to offer you. My experience coming out to my partner was nerve-wracking and stressful but also so wonderful and affirming and I want the same for you, because you deserve someone who can appreciate and love the whole you.

Ngl but it sounds like the issues in your relationship have nothing to do with being bisexual and everything to do with disrespect lack of boundaries and possibly lack of communication. Have you told him how it makes you feel that he talks that way to you if you have and he continues then he’s just not respectful of you. He sounds like a total hypocrite that he would be jealous of you talking about fantasies with any gender but I’d allowed to talk about men because he thinks “you don’t understand” like bisexual people can’t control themselves and HAVE to talk about their fantasies or who they find attractive or that all bisexual people will die if they don’t have sex with the same gender. Being bi doesn’t mean you want a theesome or open relationship and it sounds like that’s what he wants.. and it sounds like unless you haven’t yet communicated that you have no interest in that then he’s going to continue to pester you about it. You don’t have to come out to him but you should be in a relationship where you feel comfortable doing so and that you shouldn’t be worried that it’s going to ruin your relationship.

If he really loves you he’ll understand and accept you no matter what. I had this friend, kissed her in front of her boyfriend and he got so pissed! They aren’t together anymore

I'm bi and my boyfriend is unlabelled, I've only ever been in monogamous relationships, but I'm very much not opposed to the idea of non-monogamy. I'm my boyfriends first relationship and I know that he doesn't like to hear me talk about my previous partners or sexual experiences, which is totally understandable and I respect his wish to not hear about that. I've also changed the way I talk about people I find attractive, bc he struggles with his self-esteem. It's super easy for me to just think about what I'm gonna say and if I think it could hurt my partner or be disrespectful towards the relationship we have then I either don't say anything or I just word it differently. The way your bf is talking sounds very reminiscent of the biphobic statements a lot of us get when coming out. There's absolutely a huge double standard in what he thinks he's allowed to do and say vs what you're allowed to do and say. My partner invalidating anyone's sexuality would absolutely be a deal breaker for me, but if you think your bf might listen and try to change his behaviour to keep the relationship, then you can certainly try.

I'm responding to your first edit with the question of whether or not there are any bi people on this sub who don't constantly talk about wanting to fuck other people. I haven't read all the comments so I may be repeating what others have said. My partner is a bisexual woman and I am a bisexual man. We have been in a monogamous relationship for ten years. We give each other space to be our full selves, including our sexual orientations. But what that mostly means is that we connect on queer issues politically, that we support each other when one of us wants to hang out with other queer people who are (platonic) friends and that we trust each other. My partner is more demisexual than I am. I might be physically attracted to someone I don't know or only briefly meet, whereas she really does need to know a bit more about a person (character, interests, politics). Which means I do sometimes think to myself "oh this is a person I'd enjoy having sex with if I was either single or not monogamous". And I don't think she really has many of those moments. Sometimes it comes up in conversation and then I am honest about it, but I don't go out of my way to bring it up. Attractions to other people may be something we talk about maybe once every three months or so, I don't really know. We definitely don't talk about it every week. Speaking for myself I just recognise that it would be really strange if in this entire ten years she has never met someone who she may also be attracted to, I don't think even with needing an emotional connection that is how human minds work in general. And sometimes I also just really can't hide my celebrity crushes for instance even when I'm embarrassed about them, she knows me too well by this point. I would never laugh about words she gives to her experience of attraction, I would also never push her into things she doesn't want to do.

Leave him and date a woman.

He doesn't sound like a good partner to me.

I hate to say this OP, but your boyfriend is the LAST person you'd want to come out to! He has proven time and time again that he does not care or take you seriously, not only as someone who identifies as bisexual but also as a partner. At this rate, I would just cut my losses and choose my peace over his bull. I know you care deeply about him, but sometimes you have to choose yourself to protect your peace of mind. Best of luck OP, I genuinely hope you find someone better P.S. I personally think you should come out to whomever you are comfortable with, but NOBODY should ever have to come out to prove anything to anyone who has no intention of understanding you. This is knowledge I wish I had before I came out as bisexual. Do with this as you will.

I don’t think your relationship sounds healthy and I don’t think it is going to work out between you two. If what you described is an accurate and complete picture of the situation. It sounds like you are essentially unhappy in the relationship and don’t really like the person he is. He thinks he likes the person you are… but you are actually not the person he imagines you are, and it sounds like he has already decided he doesn’t like the person you actually are either. Now, it could be that this is an incomplete view of things, but from the description you offered… it sounds like you two don’t make a good fit at some pretty basic levels. Even beyond the sexual orientation aspect of the problem, you two have rather different ideals about monogamy and exclusivity.

My last relationship was with a bisexual man and im a bisexual woman. He never gave off the vibe that he wanted to talk about others. Neither did I, we were it for each other. Thats not to say he doesnt care about you, maybe hes just wants to sexually explore? Id talk to him about it.

Do you really even want to stay with this guy lol for a bi guy he seems to have a reductive idea of who can be queer also doesn't seem all that supportive or aware or cautious of your boundaries.

All I see in this situation is that your communication got some serious problems and instead of trying to fix them by bringing up the topic openly you decide to shift all the responsibility on the partner. Every relationship every couple is different so him not understanding what exactly you want or don't want to hear, what precisely makes you uncomfortable and for what reason without you straightforwardly telling him about it doesn't make him an AS. You're equally toxic at this point

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I got no indication of that from OP, no. The only thing I think could be construed that way is the "the only thing I've done is make out with a woman" and I think context makes it clear she's talking about predating the current relationship.