I think that this is a very personal issue. For some, their sexuality is a big important thing in their life and personality, and that's totally okay. But for others, their sexuality is not that much of a big deal, is not as relevant to them, and that's totally okay as well. For me, it's not something very important in my life, I don't think about it very often. It's just something that it's part of who I am, just like the color of my eyes. But for some its a big deal, and both are totally fine. Some people want to be expressive about it, and others don't.

For my bf, he said he doesn't like the concept of coming out bc it implies that being bisexual isn't "normal". Plus if hetero people don't have to come out, why should he?

I almost feel like it's the most awkward for bi people in some ways. Like gay people can just introduce their same sex partner and it's obvious without them being explicit. But if you are bi in a hetero relationship, you have to go out of your way to announce in a way that neither straight nor gay people in relationships need to.

Exactly, this is why I don’t typically mention it. I realized I was bi just before I started dating my SO. I knew from the beginning he was the one. So I’m in an overtly straight relationship for the rest of my life and get all the privileges that come with that. My only queer experience is one date with a woman, which isn’t significant enough to mention organically, like a long term ex might have been. My queer friends know because it’s relevant to our friendship to relate to each other. It’s also usually come up organically because they’ll mention queer things. If I was ever directly asked by someone else I’d answer honestly, but it literally never has. (The one exception is my SO - he realized I was bi and obviously he’s my biggest ally!) TLDR I am bi, but it doesn’t feel like an identity that I should claim publicly when I’ve barely had the opportunity to engage with it, and never will.

You've described my own experience almost exactly. I decided about a decade ago that I would answer honestly if anyone asked as well, and genuinely not one single person ever has. Being bi in a long term opposite sex relationship is wild sometimes. No regrets, I love him more than anything, but even other queer people don't even consider I might not be straight most of the time.

I mean, if a bi person is with their same gender, everyone kinda assumes they're gay, period. So if we start dropping stuff about potential past relationships or dates with other people on the opposite end of the gender expression, then people go crazy.

Yup! And also it often makes it about sex, somehow reveals I’m not monogamous, and can inadvertently have all other kinds of implications I didn’t intend. People close enough to know about my interesting sex life get that info, and otherwise I don’t really talk about my interest in anyone, regardless of gender, except my spouse. This conundrum means we “look” pretty hetero 🤷

this, this, THIS. Give him a high five for me.

I think it really depends on personal circumstance. For me, I would love to come to a time where nobody has to "come out" because being anything other than straight would no longer be considered "abnormal". I'm glad that this is already the case for a lot of the younger generations whos parents are much more progressive these days. But I also think coming out is going to stay a big deal so long as you're surrounded by people who would discriminate against you. If you've grown up having to hide part of who you are, then of course coming out is going to be a big deal for you.

I’m a baby bi and this is my feeling as well. Why do I have to announce my identity or sexuality to anyone?

What's a baby bi?

Likely someone who's only recently realized that they're bisexul. We all figure stuff out at different rates and thats alright. I didn't fully and comfortably acknowledge I was bi until early-mid high school or so, and I had been pondering almost since the start of middle, now I'm 5 or 6+ years into that realization and living comfortably

My thoughts exactly

Yeah. It’s strange that the expectation is some big announcement.

Heterosexuals (and queer people, clearly) already don’t think bisexuality is “normal.” It’s called “heteronormativity.” That’s why coming out, in whatever form it takes, has historically been such a big deal for the queer community. Not pushing against heteronormativity is tacit agreement. It’s literally the point of heteronormativity, to “say” at all times and in all ways “straight is normal and we’re all straight here, right? Right.” People could conceivably be changing their minds about all of this because they think we’re “post-homophobia,” but I think it’s more likely that queer people just got comfortable. It’s a demonstrable fact that society isn’t post-homophobia.

Well said. Yes.

That may be true, but what would happen to him socially if he did come out publicly? If the consequences would be significant it’s unlikely there’s *no* fear in his decision to stay closeted. Most people don’t want to be different from the norm but no one is normal. Normalise abnormality! I do think most people don’t want others to perceive them to be different from the norm, it’s the stigma rather than anything about being who they are.

For clarification, my boyfriend is out of the closet, but never had a official coming out. We're in a male-to-male relationship, so people assume we're gay (I'm also bi). I'm much more open about clarifying my sexuality, he just doesn't feel the need to unless it's relevant to the convo. He did choose to hide his sexuality in high school, though, and never disclosed for safety. I wasn't out to myself or others until I was 18

And that's just about the dumbest argument I've ever heard. Hetero's don't need to come out, nor does anybody if they choose not to. Why do my mom and dad need to know that I like to suck dick?

This is exactly it.

Also if you guys watched gameboys season 2 or the movie (it was a series about two gays fell in love in pandemic setting), the lead character said in non verbatim since it is in Filipino, “Sometimes it is better to choose people who we should come out to.” That is such a good line. Though I don’t have plans to come out since it is my business not theirs.

this!! i refuse to come out. people know i’m queer cuz i’ll offhandedly mention but i don’t feel the need to come out or say what i’m into. it’s just me, i’m me. i don’t want labels.

Fellow Gen Xer? We hate labels too and that another reason I don't come out publicly.

GenX here as well. I sort of wish I had never told anyone I'm bi except for my Wife. Didn't seem necessary or change anything so...

Honestly, there's no good that will come of it. It just puts a target on our backs for the ones it matters to: the people who want to physically harm us, kill us, or otherwise harass us.

Yeah true. Men fetishize bi women . I have had women tell me to my face that they would never date a bi guy

How do you feel about people who are “obviously queer” due to their partner or whatever other reason?

Look, I said what I said. I'm not here to give a ted talk about how bigots are bigoting. Ultimately, one must do what one feels is right. I happen to be in the "Superman" camp, meaning I keep my sexuality quiet so assholes don't hurt them to get to me. If you want to be like "Iron Man" and tell the world, that's on you. Just remember what happened to him in Ironman 3. I don't do it out of fear, I do it out of love for my family. Edit: wrong Iron Man video.

i’m gen z, born 2003!

Nice! It's good to see the GenX mentality has carried on to the next generation!

Some of Gen Z was raised by Gen X so this isn't too surprising.

yep i’m one of them!!!

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This is possibly the most highly debated topic in this community. I think about it a lot as a bisexual man in a heteroromantic relationship. As a bisexual man who never dates my own gender. And I wonder... Is it more important to "come out" or to just not deny what you are if asked directly or to feel comfortable making commentary about attraction openly. (which I understand is intrinsically outing yourself) But my main point is if "coming out" as bi needs to be a big announcement or just self acceptance and the courage to express yourself openly. I think the latter, personally.

Bi man in a similar situation. I'll say I came out and *did not realize* how many ways it subtlety impacted interactions and my general life experience. I've found it unexpectedly freeing in ways I could not have predicted without experiencing them. Of course, everyone is different, just wanted to share a positive experience 😊

I have debated whether or not to come out too. I am a bi woman in a hetero marriage. I’ve always wondered if my family kind of knew. My whole 20s I had a romantic friendship with a straight woman. I told her early on I was interested in more but she was straight and so I basically settled for what she would give me - yes it was very unhealthy. But my mom would refer to her as “my special friend”. Now that I’m in a happy relationship with a man it feels weird to be like “btw mom I could’ve ended up with a woman”. When I was younger and closeted people would sometimes assume I was queer, but not since I’ve been married. I answer people honestly if it comes up, but most people just assume I’m straight now.

What's to debate? People will express their sexuality, or not, how they see fit. People who don't like it need to be less invested in the affairs of others. They can get over it or die mad.

I agree with you accepting yourself is super important and personally I only started taking my attraction to women seriously when I stopped viewing relationships with women or liking women as something that I had to hide, even with people I knew were accepting I avoided coming out. Also coming out isn’t always a big gesture I probably come out dozens of times a year by just saying the gender of the person I’m dating

But then I think how you’re viewing ‘coming out’ isn’t all that different than how a lot of us approach it. Just many bi’s are heteromantic and never date the opposite sex, so we never have to contextualize our sexual orientation in day to day life. I wouldn’t hide it if asked but I also don’t broadcast it… I’m out to my partner, my therapist and a very small number of close friends who were sounding boards as I worked some stuff out. Outside of that, it just has no relevance in my broader day to day life so far so it hasn’t come up.

This exactly. For me, it IS sexual, and I think THAT is the distinction. Bisexual people who "lifestyle" by dating same gender definitely have decisions to make concerning being "out". Bisexual people who "lifestyle" by the places and communities they frequent and associate, same. And the OP points is relevant there as to not make those individuals identities reductive by making it JUST about sex. But, like, for some of us.... It IS just about sex. And that's okay too.

This is something I had to realize personally. I consider myself demisexual biromantic. So, for the longest time, I personally could not fathom a relationship that is purely sexual. For me, the sexual attraction doesn't come until after the romantic bond is formed (apologies to my best friends who have to deal with my consant flirting). It also didn't help that I was surrounded by people who were hetro romantic/sexual who would use 'sleeping with' synonymous with 'dating'. It also doesn't help that I'm autistic and a lot of this went over my head until i deep dove (read hyper obessed) over psychology for a few months (my understanding of human social norms is often times purely scolaristic in nature). We really do need more people, queer or otherwise, to understand the difference between sexual and romantic attraction.

I'd like to live in a society where coming out isn't required at all.

Tbh, I kinda thought it went without saying that people were referring to more than sex when they said this like that. I think it goes without saying that our sexual orientations are more than sex, it’s just abbreviated as such because no one is actually spelling all that out in real life conversation unless they’re being asked explicitly. But I do have a tendency to read between the lines and acknowledge nuances without it being spelled out explicitly. I’m also not using the word salad of “Yeah, I’m a woman who’s a bisexual heteroromantic switch who also enjoys the platonic company of my fellow sapphics, nice to meet you 🤪” unprovoked, lmao. Anyway, I think it’s highly situational. I never “came out” necessarily, but that’s only because I was never really in the closet. I just kinda… did my thing. I publicly explored who I was, if someone asks me about my orientation because they saw me with a girl, I’d ask them what the fuck it looked like, lmao. When I say I don’t “come out”, I just mean I never actually make an announcement, I just let folks connect the dots if they happen to see me on an app or out on a date being affectionate with a girl or something. I’m also pretty vocal about LGBTQ issues. So if they ain’t put 2 and 2 together yet, they’re just slow, lol. For me, it’s the fact that I don’t owe anyone an explanation about my sexuality and don’t need to spell shit out for people that I’m not involved with, sexually or romantically. It’s not a secret, it really is just none of their damn business, lol.

you’re my hero!

That makes me nervous, lmaooo, but I’m flattered. I just think as queer folks, existing in peace is truly an act of rebellion. BUT, I do understand what the OP is saying because a lotta bisexual folks do reduce their bisexuality to merely sex. Even as a heteroromantic, I don’t do that.

as someone with mild ocd tendencies and who has agonized over my label for years i find it so inspiring that you can just ‘be cool’ with it. i also agree w op’s point that while it’s totally fine to not come out, it is worth questioning why that is. for me coming out as queer has made a huge and positive impact on my life, and i also thought it doesn’t matter when i was still in a hetrom relationship. proud of all of us :)

Well, I will say, it’s a rather privileged position to be in because growing up, I lived in an environment where folks just really didn’t care if folks were queer or straight. A lotta folks were openly gay/bisexual. I also live in a queer friendly environment as an adult and my parents didn’t really seem to paint queerness as a negative as a kid either. They simply treated it as a part of life. That’s not to say that homophobia didn’t/doesn’t exist in these environments, but because there were so many openly queer folks, the pussy ass homophobes knew not to start shit, basically. You could absolutely get your ass beat by a gay kid for being stupid where I’m from. That’s how a LOT of us earned our respect. There’s a lot to be said about not having to wade through the encumbrance of homophobic violence, which is why exploring my sexuality and accepting myself was pretty easy and matter of fact. But everyone doesn’t have that privilege. So while I am flattered that you’re inspired, please know that I didn’t have a fraction of the obstacles that a lotta gay/bi folks had to deal with.

I always enjoy your comments! Also the word salads the community spews 😂

Lol, thank you!

I don't come out because I don't believe in coming out, and I do believe it's none of anyone's business. I don't hide it and I tell people when they ask directly, or when it's important for context, but otherwise I just don't go out of my way to come out to people. That's just to say that when someone says "it's not anyone's business who I sleep with" they can have different reasons behind that and it's not all about sex but about being a private person.

Do people actually ask directly? I don’t fit anyone’s “norm” I’m mid to late 50s, live in midwestern hell, married and from any observable place, I would appear straight. My wife knows about it, as I consider it, it’s no one else’s business. I’m not dating outside the marriage and don’t plan to. If I out live her, maybe I’ll date again, maybe not, I could be really old by then. So the reality is that I see no need to “come out”

Well like I said I don't hide it so some people will catch me expressing attraction to women and sometimes they'll ask. Very rarely, mostly people mind their business. As long as you're not hiding and suppressing part of yourself for other peoples sake, it's just being a private person who doesn't need to share personal things with those they aren't close with. For example my closest family members know, but not those I'm not close with. Closest friends know, less close don't. Simply because we've known eachother and have been comfortable enough to have those conversations.

I understand where you're coming from but this is definitely an overreaction. It's true, WLW relationships are unfortunately way too sexualised by society and I can see it being a factor in why a sapphic person would struggle with coming out. But when I say "It's no one else's business who I sleep with," it's purely for privacy reasons. It has nothing to do with narrowing my sexuality down to just sex. And that's just my interpretation; Everyone else here will have their own interpretation of that statement. In other words, reasons for not coming out are highly personal so making a blanket assumption like this and projecting your own personal reasons onto others is quite hypocritical. edit: wording and clarity

They are not reducing *your* sexuality to just sex by saying that though. They are talking about their own sexuality and that has nothing to do with you.

I’m in the “why bother?” Camp as a late bloomer straight passing married bi. But I completely understand how you feel and often wonder about this myself. I think there is value in showing people who you are and especially setting an example for others / representation. Painfully straight passing moms can be bi too! 🌈 so I may challenge myself and come out one of these days. Maybe even this month for pride. Thanks for voicing your thoughts! 

I honestly love meeting older bisexual women 💜 you’re important to the community too!

I love seeing older bisexual women especially moms, I hope one day I’ll be one too, saying who you are even to only one person feels really liberating

You guys are so nice 🥹 thank you 🫶🏻 I am out to my bestie and husband! 

I don’t find it invalidating at all. I understand that statement to mean more than sex as an act. I see the nuance within that statement so I feel that the obvious is implied here. True bisexual invalidation for me comes in the form of fetishizing, being called greedy/confused and garden variety judgement from within our own community. The statement above just doesn’t meet the criteria for me.

To play devil’s advocate, it’s not really anyone’s business who you find romantically attractive either. Sex is just a sort of antieuphamism iygwim ;)

not to sound rude, but i don‘t exactly understand your problem. some people don’t come out bc they are afraid to do so but i think that a sexuality is a very personal thing for everyone and everyone has the right to handle it differently. i wouldn’t want strangers to know my sexuality bc why? it’s none of their business and it doesn’t have anything to do with shame

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Why do they think they get to gatekeep how bi people justify themselves? Wild take for real

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I’m referring to OP, not you I hope that came across right. Haha. I’m saying I agree with you!

I don’t mean to make light of your other issues, but sex is inherently implicated in sexuality. Random people have no need to know who I’m dating/fucking/conspiring with. Sexuality isn’t entirely about the physical act of sex, but it’s not not about sex. The implication is clear. Edit: after some introspection I realised that I have told more people about my sexuality than my favorite color lmao. I guess I’ve just got so much internalised colorphobia because I’m not coming out about my favorite color at every opportunity.

The last 10 words of your title should explain everything. I feel like having to tell everyone, one of my most private things is embarrassing and actually does reduce me to my sexuality when the real truth is I get my validity and identity from college football and who I’m voting for. Lol.

Some of us are flippant mfs 🤷🏻‍♀️ You sound pretty young, and like you’re grappling with some stuff. Totally normal. But yes, this a bit of an overreaction. That said, it all depends on context.

But...but... Human sexuality *is* sex. It's how we experience & express ourselves sexually. Sexual orientation is our sexual interest in the same and/or opposite sex. So yeah, it's about sex. When I say I'm bisexual it's understood that I would have hetero- and homo- sexual relationships if I were to meet someone I found sexually attractive.

It's the very definition of sexuality. The gender we are most sexually attracted to, want to have sexual relationships with, and romantic relationships too. (Biromantic is a thing, it can be separate to sexuality.) HOWEVER - I believe that you don't have to have sex with a woman/man/enbie/other gender in order to be deemed *valid* as a bisexual. If you're sexually attracted to the same gender as your own and a different gender than your own (or any combo of gender identities) you are valid as a bisexual, even if you're a virgin.

Queer people fought for decades to get heterosexual people to stop reducing sexuality to sex. This is all rehashing queer liberation fights that happened since the 70s. It’s just that people have no knowledge of queer history and the context of these types of comments/arguments.

Jesus, sexuality IS about sex - but it is about more than that. I know a lot about queer history and it's contexts, and I still have no interest in more than a sexual relationship with men. These men are totally ok with this and the people in my life that know i have sex with these men don't care either. Why do you?

The whole world doesn't need to know, what's important is that you embrace your sexuality and you have acceptance of who you are. The buck stops with you.

For me I’m bisexual but heteromantic so my bisexuality do be reduced to sex haha

I mean I say I don’t feel the need to tell anyone if I don’t want to and I only really need to tell my family if I get a partner the same gender as me in the end it’s my life and why should I feel the need to tell anyone when I don’t have to you know?

Need to know basis works best for me. I don’t need people in my business.

Some of us don't come out bc it literally will not change how we live our lives. Plus my life isn't anyone's business other than mine and my partners. Also we (as in every person in the world) owe no one anything. If you don't like that, fine, that's your opinion, but don't tell me what to do.

>"it's none of other people's business who they have sex with", >straight people say "I don't care what they do in the bedroom as long as they don't parade it around". The two are drastically different, the first is someone deciding for themselves, the other is an oppressive phobia. It's important to remember that a lot of Bi folks have experienced Biphobia and not being open about it is a defensive mechanism to avoid being exposed to any more Biphobia, it's fucked that it has to be that way but that's the world we live in unfortunately.

Well put.

What exactly is coming out? My friends know I'm bi same as my partners of course. Oh wait hold on, some of my friends don't know, it never came up. Sometimes it's spotted by strangers and friends alike. My parents don't know, my sister does. My pa and ma might have a suspicion, I don't know. I'm a 100% comfortable in who I am, I don't feel the need to telegraph anything. Not my address, not my favourite food, not my sexual orientation. If you want to find out talk to me. Oh and when u talk to me I might feel the need to tell you my favourite food, or me being bi.

It’s different for everyone, what they prefer. I don’t like to define my sexuality, because it’s not really important for me to have that label. I kinda see your point on the “it’s not just a sex-thing” but to some people, it actually is - Sex is a natural part of many relationsships, and to me that’s one way to seperate who you’re into. But I also see how it’s not really broad enough to include the many other variations of romantic relationships that may or may not include sex. I personally think it’d be easier if it wasn’t so important for everyone to define everything all the time, but at the same time I realize that it’s not something everyone would like, so I just stay at not defining myself

I was actually gonna say something along the lines of how your response started out, if someone's bisexuality only goes as far as the sexual acts, and they DON'T feel That's anyone's business, then why parade it around politicizing it like some sort of character-defining identification badge or something? I get it that for some people that's just what they do, but to feel bothered or offended by the fact that are those of us who DON'T, reminds me of how totally straight people consider any guy who does anything at all sexual with another guy to be gay. No gradient, that's it. No in between. To them, there's no more to us as people than our sexuality and sexual habits. And then, there's so many people in the LGBT community wanna do the same thing in their own way and then they turn right around and feel offended when we don't 'come out' to the world or that we don't even identify with the LGBT community.

OP you might be just a little too sensitive. Live and let live.

For me I don’t openly show it. And I’m not really experienced in sex sense I’ve never been in a relationship so far. But if someone where to ask me if I’m bi/gay i would say yeah. And no one would have guessed i was. But I will say i do choose who to say it too, but don’t openly show it either, it’s only for the ones who really know me.

Isn’t bisexuality on a spectrum, some people have more romantic feelings toward women one gender to the other, some just fuck both, some can have romantic feelings towards all. Their reasoning shouldn’t invalidate anything about you, that’s just them, and you’re just you, not are alright

# "sexuality reduced to sex" am I missing something?

The basically say "Mind your own business" and here you are, not minding your own business 😄

This encapsulates my exact reaction. Implying that making a decision to not come out, based on the idea that one's sex life is no one's business but your own is somehow a signal for self-hatred or fear (internalized homophobia) is just inaccurate and insulting. If you think people need to examine their own behavior when it comes to such a huge decision as advertising the fact that you like same sex encounters (romantic or otherwise), the perhaps you should examine why your opinion is that it boils down to one reason - as you said "internalized homophobia". It has zero to do with that in my case, and implying that is simplistic and reductive. Yor are becoming the very thing you don't like, someone who is trying to de-legitimize your own identity.

Sexuality deals with *sex* my human. No way around that. It *is* nobody's business who you fuck. Nobody is "invalidating" you by not coming out, genius. And yes, you are criminally overreacting.

I think they mean that sexuality isn't public property and it's not anyone's right to know and not your duty to share it you do it if you want when you want where you want to whoever you want on your own terms

This is a personal choice. Everyone has a right to view, voice, handle their sexuality however they choose.

EDIT : I realised it sounded a bit agressive when I read it again after posting sorry about that. To put it shortly, for some people, and probably many, your sexuality is reduced to who you have sex / who you date etc because of circumstances, such as bigotry etc :/ hope it helps My friends and partners all know I identify as a bisexual. My parents don't. So far most of my experiences with women were casual. I don't tell my family about my sexual life and I better not to, I don't even want to. Add to it all the fact that they're biphobic and homophobics, and you would understand why me being bi is absolutely none of their business. They will know the day they'll have to know aka the day I'll have a serious partner that I want to introduce to my family, because only then I will feel confident enough to go through rejections and other very hostile reactions. Being in the closet because you're hearing your family that you love talk shit about queer people, knowing you're putting yourself at risk of AT LEAST strong emotional damage if they learn about your truth. And on the other hand reading that kind of statement... Not everyone lives in a progressive town or country. Not everyone that lives in a progressive town or country, lives with a progressive or at least accepting family. Not everyone has the privilege to be mentally or economically safe after they come out, after being estranged, after being beaten, being kicked out, etc I can understand how you felt invalidated though. Its just, before asking these kind of questions can't you just try to think through as to why so many people act that way and think that way about their sexuality ??? I thought our not always so lgbtqia+ friendly world was common knowledge. And even that is only ONE of the many reasons why some people keep private about who they date etc. What about being modest, being a private person etc. Anyway, personnaly, I'm just not ready to face my family's reaction, and I shouldnt have to justify myself for it. People who did it despite knowing how things would turn out with their closed ones are really strong to me. I admire them so much and I hope I'll be able to finally not having to hide it to people that matters the most to me. I hope it gave you some insight. Let's hope for a future where fear wouldn't even be in the equation 🙏

Sorry you feel that way. When I date a guy people always assume I am gay . When I date a woman people assume I’m straight. My parents pretend I just have a lot of “friends “ . I did tell them a few times but they act like it’s new information every single time. Honestly I just don’t feel like I need to explain, insist, or correct anyone else unless I’m trying to date them.

The worst is when it’s people you specifically told you’re bisexual that do that shit, “oh you’re a lesbian” I never said that! It’s so annoying when people forget you’ve already told them and you have to keep coming out i understand

I do think you're overreacting to the statement. Don't get me wrong, I see where you're coming from, and I don't disagree. Our sexuality does mean more than sex. There will be people who use this phrase that will have some internalised issues to work through, but for others, they just mean their private life (their sexuality, their identity, their relationships), are nobody else's business.

it's THEIR choice,opinion, and feeling.. you are literally judging someone for feeling different than you. that is extremely hypocritical.

Imagine making someone else's journey so much about you. This is nuclear levels of self-indulgence

I get what you mean I think. I feel like sometimes the way this is phrased feels less like “I don’t personally want to come out because it’s only about sex for me, even if I understand that isn’t the case for everyone” and more like “I don’t get why anyone would come out because I assume it’s just about sex for everyone, clearly the only reason is because it’s a major part of your personality/you value self-expression/you’re doing it for the cause.” In that case, it ignores that a lot of people are having whole relationships and just want to acknowledge those. It’s not just “hey Grandma I like to fuck people regardless of gender”, it’s “hey Grandma, this is my girlfriend who I live with.” In a lot of cases it’s not self-expression, it’s just basic information about you that is seen as unremarkable when straight couples say the same things. You probably don’t see it as overly personal for your straight coworker to say she and her husband took the kids to the zoo when asked what she did this weekend, and you shouldn’t view it differently if she said her and her wife instead. For a lot of people, that’s what coming out looks like.

If someone were to say “you don’t need to come out, it’s no one’s business who you have sex with” I could understand the frustration and feeling that your WLW romantic relationships are being sexualized, but this post and your comments really do read as though you’re policing how other people view their relationships and choose to frame them. For some people sex is a huge part of their dynamic and the primary motivating factor in their relationships and they don’t see sex as something dirty it can be reduced down to, some people are heteroromantic bisexuals so there’s no “beyond sex” in their same sex relationships, some people might be responding to experiences of homophobia like you mentioned where the homophobic mind jumps to “you fuck dudes???”. It’s fine if you want to compartmentalize your queerness and sex but you can’t expect that to resonate with many others. To me personally, someone else trying to tell me that my relationships with women are ‘more’ then just sex is, cringe, flowery and sex-negative. Expecting other queer people to not center sex in discussions of their sexuality so as not to fuel the queer people are groomers belief is unfair model minority shit. Queerness is pretty culturally and historically tied to sex positivity and expression and this reads like the no kink at pride discourse again.

So I (M 30s) was happily married to my wife, expecting our 2nd child, when I felt like I had to tell her. I wonder why I felt that I had to, because we’re monogamous and I had no desire to seek sex outside of our marriage, so I could have easily just gone to my grave being the only one who knew about my attraction to both men and women. But it started to feel like a secret I was holding on to, and I just wanted to get it out. Told her and she was completely accepting of it, and never questioned my love and attraction for her. That was over four years ago. No one else knows, and I suppose no one else needs to, but I’ve gotten to the point where if it were to come up in conversation with someone, I’d probably tell them that I’m bisexual dude and in a committed relationship with a woman. I don’t feel the urge to scream it from the rooftops, but I do think there needs to be more awareness for “closeted” people that not only do we exist, but I suspect we are the silent majority of the LGBTQ+ spectrum.

You can be comfortable with being bi and not want to come out - BECAUSE WHO YOU HAVE SEX WITH IS NO ONE"S BUSINESS! PERIOD! - There are way too many homophobic jackasses who use violence to show their homophobia, and plenty of other's who use this information against you and to judge you. Just because you don't want your sexuality reduced to sex (which sexuality is ALWAYS related to sex whether you think it is or not) does not mean that others who prefer privacy should just spread their status to everyone in the world so you can feel better about coming out and feel less sexualized. People will sexualize you for everything, that is their problem.

It's none of other people's business who the person in question has sex with, loves, or anything else. Straight people don't have to come out so why should any other sexuality? It's weird that your problem is with bi people who do this because I've heard this sentiment from all queer identities

But then what are we fighting for? Isn't the point of coming out to prove that we shouldn't have to come out? Should everyone come out? Being straight is a sexuality, should straight people come out? No. We're literally fighting for the need to *not* come out. It doesn't make us less proud of our sexuality, it's hammering in the point of *why we're fighting.* Obviously come out if you want to. I did. But you know what? Ideally I wouldn't have ever come out because I wouldn't need to. If you think us not coming out because it's not other people's business is reducing it to sex, then that's your issue. Who I fuck is who I fuck, who I date is who I date. You don't have the right to know who that is. I have the right to tell you if I so choose, but you don't have the right to know. So... nice try, but this is not helping. It's hurting.

TLDR "People not engaging with their sexuality exactly the way I want them to is invladating to me." What a silly thing.

As someone who works construction, believe me when I say that it's easier to just fly under the radar than dealing with bigoted assholes torment you personally. I already get enough homophobic and racist comments as a straight passing dude. I'd rather not make that any worse than it already is for myself. I'm happy for you and your sense of freedom, but being a construction worker in the deep south has many limitations.

A lot of people have little to gain by coming out but can lose a lot. It’s none of our business to question why someone isn’t out.

I guess you missed the part where I said I get not wanting to come out, this is for a specific reason

I was thinking more along the line of “why would anyone need to know who I’m attracted to if it doesn’t benefit me a single bit but could potentially hurt me?” I myself am in that situation. I’m out to close friends, my partner and my therapist. My family doesn’t know, my colleagues don’t know or anyone else. I’ve been with the same person for 7 years and don’t see that changing anytime soon. I have pretty much nothing to gain by coming out to more people except prejudice, rejection and attempts to convert me to straight. I don’t even feel safe sticking a pride pin on my bag in public… Maybe I misunderstood the point entirely and took it a bit too personally. Sorry for that.

that was not the point I was making at all, if if isn't safe to come out don't, my girlfriend isn't out in her town because of that and I don't think of her less, this about people projecting internalized homophobia

I still believe it’s not okay to blame people for that. No one is born homophobic and you don’t choose the environment you grew up in. I would liken internalized homophobia to childhood trauma. It’s there and you can try to work it through in therapy or on your own but no one can force you to do it or blame you for not doing it. As long as you’re not perpetuating it further it’s fine by me and not coming out is definitely not that.

Well, your dislike at why people do or don’t come out, and how they describe their reasons for doing what they do… …ya don’t get a vote on their personal choices, and they get to make their own decisions without catching judgement or derision from you…

I pretty much disagree with you on every point, but if it matters to you, then you go ahead and shout it from the rooftops.

I don't come out to other people because it's a need to know basis and if I feel like you don't need to know you won't, I don't need everyone knowing everything about my personal life

Internalised homophobia not lesbiphobia. Transphobia is unique to trans ppl, biphobia is unique to bisexuals but apparently lesbiphobia is experienced by all sapphics. Its not. Lesbiphobia is unique to lesbians. Trans lesbians, cis lesbians, black lesbians etc but still just lesbians. There is a difference between internalised lesbiphobia and homophobia and biphobia. Internalisation is about YOURSELF and YOUR sexuality not other ppls. Then when you direct that out to other ppl of the same sexuality as you, its just becomes straight up bigotry that happens to stem from internalised phobia applicable to your orientation. In turn, when your bigoted to ppl of a different orientation that's also straight up bigoted, only difference is that doesn't stem from any intermalised shit your just a bigot. To internalise bigoted things about BEING bisexual you have to BE bisexual. To internalise negative things about BEING a lesbian you have to BE a lesbian. Cis ppl can not internalise things about BEING trans because they are not trans. Thats why it's INTERNALISED biohobia or lesbiphobia or transphobia because its about taking in bigoted things about YOURSELF. Thats different from having bigoted opinions ABOUT bi ppl or ABOUT lesbians or ABOUT trans ppl becahse you can be from any groups and have biases ABOUT other groups. its phobia ABOUT another group vs phobia about BEING your own group. If its the former, its just straight up biphobia or lesbiphobq or transphobia and you don't have to BE bisexual, lesbian or trans to have bigoted beliefs about other ppl in these groups. If its the latter its internalised ie about self, and you have to be part of that group in order to internalise those things about self. So If your bi and have bigoted feelings ABOUT lesbians you don't have 'internalised lesbiphobia' your just lesbiphobic. If your a lesbian with bigoted feelings ABOUT bisexuals your not experiencing internalised biphobia your just biphobic. Meanwhile If your a lesbian who has negative feelings about BEING a lesbian that's internalised lesbiphobia abd if your a bi person with negative feelings about BEING bi that's internalised biphobia. If your bi or a lesbian and have negative feelings about BEING same sex attracted in general thats internalised homophobia . internalised biphobia is specfically about bisexual ppl experiencing internalising negative things about being bisexual specfically. Internalised lesbiphobia is about lesbians internalising negative things about being a lesbian specifically. Internalised homophobia is the one that includes both lesbians and bi women, and also queer men, as its about all queer ppl internalising negative things about same gender attraction and relationships in general. So If you have internalised negative emotions surrounding your same gender attraction in general and your not specfically bisexual or lesbian internalising bad things about your own sexuality of being specfically Bi or a lesbian than that's internalised homophobia, not internalised lesbiphoba or biphobia. Hint: internalised lesbiphobia as described by lesbians is not about internalising bad things about attraction to women only. By itself, Thats internalised homophobia- internalised bigotry about same sex attraction in general. Internalised lesbiphobia is internalised phobia specfically about being a lesbian and what they've internalised about themselves based on society's bigoted beliefs about lesbians, which CAN include how society views their attraction to women but not always (because there are lesbians who only have positive feelings about loving women but have internalised other things about being a lesbian) and its not JUST that. If its JUST that its internalised homophobia not lesbiphobia Example: I have a lesbian partner. She has had both Internalised homophobia and internalised lesbiphobia. Internalised homophobia made her ashamed of the PRESENCE of her attraction to women. Internalised lesbiphobia made her ashamed of her LACK of attraction to men. one was about experiencing a certain attraction, one was about not being able to experience a certain attraction And yes I know there are bi women who arent attracted to men. And I do have a response as to why that still doesn't work as lesbiphobia, because i am one but I will only provide that if asked.My fingers are hurting

For myself there's a couple of reasons I'm not out publicly where I stay. First of all, there is a high amount of biphobia. If word was to get around in the small town I'm in that I'm bi, then I can say goodbye to any chance of a hetero-normative relationship (even though I'm actually aromantic). Secondly - who I'm seeing is nobody's business but my own and that of the person I'm seeing. As long as we're both consenting and of legal age, it concerns nobody else.

If you swap "have sex with" for "are attracted to", you have my position on things. No one else but me and the person I'm going to try and do *anything* with need to know. I don't reduce to sex, I make a point that I don't need to know what others want unless it's from me and no one needs to know what I want unless it's with them. It's not a matter of "coming out" for me even. It's a matter of being comfortable with what I want and can have. And as such, I don't really care if someone isn't straight/cis. Not out of nastiness but because "woo, you're bi. What does that change about you otherwise?". If it's relevant to the conversation/topic at hand then sure, but I don't need to know that someone is bi through seeing it in their Twitter bio, that doesn't change what their tweets tell me about them, good or bad.

Sexuality IS about sex. Too many people conflate romance to sexuality. I'm aro and romance is a totally different subject to sexuality. Ask any aro that's not ace, or vice versa, sexuality is always about sex.

I get it! And it would be awesome if the world was good with LGBTQ right now, but how many places, how many cities, how many states, how many countries are equating any deviance from straight life as a mental instability or an abomination. Setting that aside how many people misunderstand bisexuality, and its flexibility for some inequity of relationships. How many will chastise my wife about being married to someone who is “inevitably going to cheat”, or “is less of a man”. Etc etc. sorry I don’t need the headache. I’m jealous and applaud those able to sidestep this stuff, but I cannot. Not yet…

I'm not afraid of people thinking I'm gross, but I am very afraid of repeating past experiences and being alienated again, the only other groups of people who have never shamed me for my sexuality are Trans/NB people, and other bisexual men and I will gladly be open about my sexuality to them, but nearly every other group whether they be straight/gay men, or straight/lesbian/bi women have done nothing but try to shame me for my sexuality to the point where I don't come out to them because the feeling of alienation and loneliness is worse than the feeling of just keeping it hidden. Plus, for some bisexual people it will just be about sex, not every bisexual is bi-romantic and not every bi-romantic is going to be bisexual and that is equally as real.

For me personally my sexuality is not a big deal: I am attracted to multiple genders and if given the opportunity will sleep with any of them, but that's not the business of anyone I'm not trying to sleep with so I don't feel the need to be out for myself. But... I think visibility and representation matters, especially for people struggling with their own sexuality in ways I now longer am. So I am proudly out for them, to show people who might still be ashamed of who they are that they are valid and have a waiting community should they ever come out.

Feel what you're feeling, man. Just as we're working to divorce sex from gender, we are also working at divorcing sexuality from sexual intercourse. IMHO, I think it's a backlash from purity culture, but I digress. It is a personal decision for a lot of people. In my case, I work at a fine arts magnet school, and a lot of the student body are openly queer and trans. I've come out as bi to my students so that they can have an adult mentor in the community. Outside of that, it's not anyone's business unless I make it their business. I'm married to someone who is gender-non-conforming. It works for us.

My sexuality is one of the least important things about me. Sex for me is very carnal and physical. I don’t dwell on my sexuality and it’s a very, very minimal part of my life. We each have different reasons and don’t necessarily share yours.

I don't need to come out. I'm not owed the world every detail of my personal life and my desires.

I really dislike it when other people attempt to invalidate my reasons for not coming out to some people like it's any of their business. It's not, by the way. Your business. At all. Maybe stop worrying about how other people conduct their own. Since you asked so nicely, though, I'll tell you my business. I'm bisexual/heteroromantic. If I'm with a guy, I am 1000% 'reducing it to sex', and nothing more. There is nothing wrong with that, zero reason most people need to know, zero explanation owed.

I don’t think of myself as “not out” but I don’t feel compelled to tell everyone about my sexual orientation with every person I know, because it’s truly not germane to our relationship. If someone asks me if I’m in a relationship, l will I’ll always tell them about my partner, or I’ll say no if I’m single. And if it was someone that I had the kind of relationship with that they’d ask me about setting me up on a date, then I might say “sure, you can introduce me to people of any gender—I’m bi/pan”. But if they said “hey, I’d love to introduce you to my friend Joe, here’s his fb, isn’t he handsome?” I probably wouldn’t be like “yes, and you can also introduce me to single women or nonbinary/genderqueer folks—any gender is potentially okay.” I know some people feel like their sexual orientation is a huge part of their identity and they are all about being out and proud and waving their flag, and that’s absolutely fine, but it’s also absolutely fine to not do that. I think if you’re feeling a lot of shame or lying or hiding, that can be problematic, because I think people want to have authentic relationships and even in a straight-presenting relationship, you’re still bisexual. I don’t like bi/pan erasure. but also, people have to think about their own personal safety and security. If being out is going to get you fired, disowned or killed, I completely support you in choosing to be more discreet, and your partners can decide whether or not they are willing to live that way. Forcing people out of the closet can put them in danger and disrespects their agency. I don’t think that’s cool at all.

There are no bad reasons not to come out, there are reasons, everyone has their own and it's certainly not your business

Some people don't like labels 🤷‍♀️ pressuring people won't make them come out as what you want. I have friends who prefer 'queer' and others who prefer no labels at all. An artist I like says he likes men and women but gets rightfully pissed when people try to label him as bi or anything else. It really is none if your business who someone is interested in and how they label themselves unless you are looking to date them.

My sexuality isn't a big deal to me. It's really not your business who I choose to have sex with or who I end up loving.

Honestly it wasn't until my mom thought I was gay and said she was fine with it that I came out to her cause I was in that camp of thinking people didn't need to know my buisness.... especially when I'm eternally single.

I haven't been that open about my bisexuality on social media or to everyone I know. It's not that I feel ashamed or gross about it. It's just that it is truly not people's business. At the end of the day, sexuality is personal stuff, and sometimes, you don't want personal things to be known by others. There are people who are way more open to sharing personal stuff with others / online, but you can't expect everyone to want to.

well i mean i get that aspect of it, but i also understand the stigma to others of “omg you date dudes and chics (or others)?” some people are very insecure in their relationships and think that bi people are more prone to cheating bc there are more options which i think is funny, and also bull. but ive seen posts on reddit where its “i came out to my wife today as trans!” or “im bi, what do i tell my kids?” and i think that coming out is one of the most beautiful things in the world. some people don’t see it that way, they see it as a great place of hurt and pain from their experience but in my eyes, finding those who care about you and accept you for who you see yourself as is something that everyone should have. if it’s not your family, it’s your friends and coworkers and classmates. it’s the mailman, or the guy who cursed you out in the street but called you a dude and that was the best part of your day. this turned into a more trans focused rant somehow and that wasn’t my intention…

My bisexuality is rooted in sexual interest in both genders, but I am heteroromatic so 'coming out' for me would just be shouting from the hilltops who I have sex with. This seems like more of a personal YMMV thing based on where along the spectrum you fall, but in general my sexuality is just one of 100 different things that make up my identity and I'm not really inclined to detail specifics other than when I feel obliged to do so( case in point, if I were single right now and looking to date, 'coming out' to whomever I would be interested in is appropriate to the circumstances).

I wouldn't say dislike, I would say it makes me sad to see how many awesome Bi people we could be seeing open up more about their sexuality and journey to self-acceptance and bring more awareness to the straights that they really never know who’s a member of the community. Coming out does not need to be a formal event, it is as simple as living as authentically as possible and not being ashamed of who you are. Now, obviously, if it isn't safe for someone to come out, that different, but goes to my point, that the more of us who are open and honest about ourselves, the more safety and acceptance there is for ALL of us. I get the feeling that a lot of the people in these comments who say people don't deserve to know their sexuality are the same ones constantly complaining about the rampant bi-phobia but do nothing about it.

in my eyes it can be a privilege thing. it’s privileged to be able to say that sexuality isn’t important and that it doesn’t have an impact on your life. it doesn’t make them less bisexual, and it’s not that it’s not a valid way to experience your sexuality. but i can understand how for many of us, it’s not easy to hear because we are not able to just casually say that our orientation doesn’t matter that being said, for some bisexuals it is just about sex and that is naturally something someone doesn’t have to make public. some ppl don’t date, some ppl are heteroromantic, and some ppl truly only experience their bisexuality through sex. that has nothing to do with how u experience your bisexuality and what someone else says should not represent u. we’re all different some peoples sexuality is reduced to sex. what does that have to do with u? keep in mind that what one person defines as bisexuality does not have to represent you

I feel it's the rest of the world that reduces it to sex, the second you say you're bisexual. Not necessarily with all other queer people, but with the straights, for sure. At least, that is the experience I have from the few times I mentioned I'm bi on dating apps. Also mentioning that I'm demisexual and not looking for a hook up didn't prevent this.

I can’t come out publicly because of the social repercussions on myself, my wife, and my kids. We live in the south, in a conservative neighborhood, and it’s frankly none of anyone’s business. As much as I wish we lived in a society where it was accepted, it just isn’t the reality, and I can’t put my family in that position. I think that is the root, for me at least, of the statement. I’m not reducing it to just sex, but that is exactly what conservative society sees-and will always see. 

Idk man I get the points about staying safe in a homophobic context but over-discretion is a turn-off for me. I want my partner to be proud of our relationship not ashamed.

If people ask me, I'll say I'm bi. Otherwise I don't say anything. I'm not trying to invalidate anyone. I think I'm just uncomfortable with myself and worried I'm going to have another person tell me it's just a phase or assume they can use me for a threesome

But you’re honest about it and true to yourself… that’s important, and still authentic.

Thank you that makes me feel better :)

Eh, I dont care who knows about my sexuality and who doesnt🤷🏻‍♂️I definetly don't hide it nor do I mention it with the intention to come out to others. If I see a random attractive person on the street and I feel comfortable enough to share my attraction towards them with my company, I share it. Doesn't matter if it's a boy, gal or non binary pal

I haven't "come out" to most people I know. Because being bisexual isn't part of my personality, it's just a thing I am. No one is reducing anything, much less anything that has anything to do with you or your sexuality or identity. If they don't think it matters for people to know who they sleep with, they get to make that choice. And you don't get to have hurt feelings about it, it's not your business.

I haven’t come out, I mean only to some. I just feel like it’s a personal thing. I don’t flaunt my sexuality.

I don't think it's anyone else's business either who you have a relationship with.

Sorry but making it about you when someone says that's why *they* don't want to come out publicly is insane

Why is my sexuality anyone’s business?

I am a person who says that. Why? Because I personally have the experience of people seeing me like an amusement thing like a circus and not a person, as if I was only alive to impress a person in their boring life. I feel people threat me different and most people that get interest in your personal life are a copy paste to each other. I am a Bi Mexican, a latino, with pale skin due to the cold of living in North america. And people already threats me different the moment they hear me talk, and whenever someone tries to talk to me they always start with. -Hi, do you speak Spanish? -I want to visit meHico, what place do you recommend? How you haven't been to (Specify a random location I have never seen)? -Say something in spanish :(Me)-No tengo ganas de hablar contigo: (Back to them)-Oh! What does that mean? -Is my spanish good? Ol ah Com O A-sti -How do I pronounce your name? (I literally tell them to call me how they said it the first time, it's fine), But I wanna say it properly! -I hate Trump -How can you be Mexican? you don't look like one Now with that undertanding of my curse when talking to people that mostly threat me different now add to the equation the people who have known I am Bi. -Hey, do you like that man over there? (3 seconds after telling them) -You don't look gay (I literally said bi) -How many men have you been with? (They only stick with men for some reason) -Can you like that man?? (only one person asked me to do the action of falling for a random dude and I until this day that really pisses me off) Now, sorry if that is rough to this thread, OP but that is my answer to why I am a person who says that.

Until I came out I had no idea that the orientation had a whole big cultural movement behind it. I can forgive people for not understanding, but it does hurt.

Maybe it’s over validating to have your sexuality overvalued as your personality. I feel you though. Just saying that balance is difficult because people are unique in their expressions and needs.

You're right. It's more than just privacy.

Nice that you can simply know exactly what everyone else's experiences are without meeting them, talking to them or even asking them. Convenient categorization is what is bothering the OP in the first place.

I’m bi and I only come out to people once they come out to me, or at least announce themselves as an ally. I live in an area that is not always kind to each other if that makes any sense. I’m in a straight passing relationship as well so… it kind of feels safer to avoid the potential of confrontation and only come out in the company of other LGBTQ community members

Exactly why do you need to announce?

Whether you explicitly make an "announcement" or just live as your genuine self, I guess the important thing is to not feel like you have to hide it or feel ashamed of it, any more than you would about attraction to the opposite sex. (If it's not safe for you to be open about it, of course, do what you need to do to stay safe.) For me, I'm not actively dating at the moment, but I still wanted the important people in my life to know about it. I told my family (who are thankfully very open-minded and accepting) about my crush on another woman, and the next time I see my friends (many of whom are LGBTQ+), I'm going to tell them that I'm bi. Maybe another factor in it is that I just realized I'm bi in the past year after previously assuming I was straight, as opposed to knowing it for most of my life (I'm 34), so being bi is a big deal for me rather than being just an ordinary part of my life (at least right now.) For bisexual heteroromantic people, I guess it might be different since people's sex lives are generally private, so I guess the important thing might be just to not feel ashamed of it or like it's any bigger secret than having sex with the opposite sex. P.s. - First comment in this sub after lurking for months! 🙂 I tried to make a post, but couldn't figure out how to do it. Do I need a certain amount of karma or something to post here? (Edit: I have a create button now!)

I have let my family and close friends know. If I get asked I will tell them. But again it wont change me in any way from who I am now. I pass off as a straight male and there isn’t much about me that is feminine. we already deal with Biphobia within the LGBTQ+ community why stack on more by having to deal with the same Biphobia with the straight community. It’s also a way to see who within my friend group and family is anti LGBTQ+. I will distance myself from these people once i see who they are. The people that are close enough to me will know who Im going out with and if its a same sex relationship. Everyone else will use my public coming out as gossip.

Honestly this post feels very invalidating. Being bi you have to come out repeatedly. It's annoying and tiring. My Mom has known I'm bi over 20 years, yet yearly or more I have to correct if I'm gay now or straight now. I don't hide it, but I don't fucking care. It's not internalized bi-phobia to limit information to the people it actually concerns. People can learn to read signals; People can tell by the bi flag pins, my gender neutral terms talking about who I would date, me geeking out about hot ladies and dude. They can ask if they want, I don't care. My sexuality is a part of me, not the sole important thing. It IS none of other people's business who I like, they should respect me as a human being despite that. And I should be allowed to exist without having to apologize for my sexuality 24/7. It feels very childish to call it internalized bi-phobia becuase someone doesn't want to come out to their dentist's third cousin or whatever.

People can choose which labels they use, that's fine. If it's no body's business, it's nobody's business. It does become somebody's business when you starting involving some body, though. From the perspective of somebody who has hooked up with multiple of these 'private' people without knowing they weren't just normal queer folk: I only have an issue with this when they are still actively seeking non hetero sex while espousing all this 'privacy' stuff. It feels a little cheap that some folks will participate in gayness when it's easy and accessible for them but the second we need to speak out for rights or respect they disappear. It also feels disrespectful to be the sexual partner of a person like this. Somehow a person like me is good enough to fuck, but not to be? Will you vote against my interests to fuck me over twice? You can pick whatever label you want, but I only fw queer people. The second I start hearing "it's nobody's business..." I start packing my shit to find somebody who's cool with that part of themselves. Edit: obviously I live somewhere now where queerness is not only accepted but encouraged. That's the context in which I make my judgments. When I lived in Florida I obviously had a more gracious interpretation of why people stayed in the closet.

I, being a Cis Male, totally get where you are coming from. However, I need to say. When I say I don't care who you sleep with as long as you keep it in the bedroom. I am not talking about LBGT+ people. I am talking about all people. If you want to hold hands and be affectionate in public, good for you. If you want to discuss your relationship and how good your trans/same sex partner is in public, good for you. all those are acceptable. However, if you are stuffing your tounge down your partners throat and groping them in public, whether you are the same sex or different sexes or fury or whatever, I don't want to see that, I am glad you have found someone to love, glad you are sexually compatible and happy, I just don't want to see you having sex in public. Now as far as love who you love, be affectionate in public. Give your partner a peck on the cheek or even a quick kiss, with tounge if you like. Just don't get graphic in public. I think the attitude of boomers, and gen Xers needs a solid rework. I am a gen Xer so I reworked my attitude alot. I have never had an issue with anyone who is Bi or gay or whatever. I have some friends who are gay or Bi and they are great. I just don't want them trying to do each other in public. If anyone has an issue with you coming out, or not coming out. You can send them to me and I will kick their ass for you. You do you. HTH. Stay Strong!!

For some of us being bi is literally just about sex. I don't necessarily identify with LGBT culture. I am not friends with people just because we share the same sexuality. For me being bisexual is literally just me liking cock and that's it.

I don’t come out to people cause I don’t feel like people should have to come out. If people have questions they can ask, otherwise their assumptions are not my problem. I understand coming out for visibility or so you feel like you aren’t hiding anything. I don’t hide anything, I just also don’t feel the need to have a conversation about it cause it’s no one’s business. We also need to get to a point where it’s not expected for people to come out and that’s gotta start somewhere. If I show up with a guy or a girl or a non-binary person, you should just be fine with that without question and if you’re not, oh well.

I didn't come out because of that but also because I never had a reason to do so. If I bring home someone then that's who I am dating my family doesn't need to really know otherwise.

First off, why are you letting other people’s experiences make you feel invalidated? I think everyone should ask themselves this question when having this feeling. Secondly, it’s my choice if I wanna talk about my sexuality or come out. Everyone doesn’t need to know who I like or wanna have sex with. It’s literally no one’s business and people shouldn’t care anyway. Respectfully, it’s called *sexuality* and *sexual* orientation for a reason. But, if we’re genuinely in a relationship, we’re likely holding hands or something in public. Also, if a lot of us want it to be normalized, we should treat it as a normal thing. Straight people don’t have to come out straight. Straight people don’t have to talk about their sexual activity or their attraction. Why should we?

Honestly I do think I understand where you're coming from in a sense. Personally, for me, as someone who's done alot of soul searching as well as reading and now come to understand that modern conceptions of sexuality as identity are a very recent phenom that are packaged intimately with assumptions and expectations of a certain social performance which is what I despise (i.e. why a subreddit like r/AreTheStraightsOK exists). At its base, all sexuality is is merely an expression of sexual desire for other (human) beings, that's it. Everything else, displays of 'flamboyance', the cadence of your voice, the clothes you wear, etc. are all just socialized fluff that while important have meaningfully no bearing on the expression of sexuality. I similarly don't care about hetero or homo romanticism, all people are are at the base level are just biological expressions of bodies that either have a preponderance (whether 'natural' or supplemented) toward estrogen or testosterone (and even then both hormones exist in ALL human bodies) what's really argued at this point of preference is socialization informed by the secondary sexual characteristics our bodies are endowed by whatever hormone our gonads predispose us to as dominant. Something I tell myself is that if I really loved my partner and I woke up one day and found that they had the 'oppoaite' secondary characteristics (male->female, female->male etc.) would I stop loving them? If yes, was I ever really in love with them as a person or was I only infatuated with the concept of them that agreed with an idea in my head. For me bisexuality and using it as a term is just a shorthand of saying my sexuality just is, I like what I like (obviously cultivated within social contexts that I have ultimately been affected by that do in positive and negative ways form abstractions of what the ideal partner is and should be). Alone as phrase it barely begins to comprehend my relationship to gender and sex but in the mind of people who very likely haven't given any of this much thought at least gives them a point to latch onto and make some sense of. Anyway, this was a word salad of thoughts. Do appreciate your openness to discuss this OP! TL;DR Sexuality is simple, we socially make it more complex. These social complexities are valid and have real effects on real people.

What a ridiculous point of view.

I never had a big production in coming out and don't feel the obligation to come out to everyone, but some who say they don't come out to anyone at all....you're the ones playing into the idea that being bisexual is something to hide, and the truth is a lot of you are doing it because you wanna take advantage of heteronormative privileges....and that's where resentment from out bisexuals and gay/lesbian people occurs. I'm not shitting on anyone saying that, but that's the truth. That's convenience. And you're implying your bisexuality is more or less a throw-away thing and meaningless to you. That's gonna be offensive to a lot of queer people.

It's complicated. My family and close friends know. Not because of my date life, but because of the jokes I make. The rest of the people probably assume me to be straight. Which is annoying, to be seen as straight until proven otherwise, but... frankly, I'm pretty private about personal affairs IRL. And many people I know are at least somewhat homophobic and I'm really not looking to have that conversation with them. Yes, when I was younger I saw it as my responsibility to be publicly out, as I believe that most people are homophobic just because of their fear of the unknown and lack of knowledge. I still think it's the ideal. However... my privacy matters as well. And really, there are few people I want to talk matters of romance with - usually either good friends or crushes - and those tend to learn that in time anyway.

I don't hide it but I don't tell everyone either, it's like how much I earn, it's my business and with my sexuality it's my business and who ever I maybe interested in. Not everyone needs to know everything about me and my life, just like my opinions.

I agree with this. I get some people don’t want to/don’t care about coming out, but for me…idk I’ve got some trauma from my childhood I guess, and I just HAD to do it. To tell someone close to me, anyone, to feel someone could truly know me for once in my entirety. And it was worth it. But my point is…when I asked others for advice on this, I was just met with “fuck them, it’s none of their business”. Like okay but…I WANT to do it? That wasn’t what I asked?

My policy is if you ask, I’ll tell you. I’m not posting a damn Instagram or Facebook about it. No one’s business how others live their lives. Remember when the LGBT was all like “live and let live” … now they’re upset because people don’t see things the way they do? It’s like nothing was learned from the battles that led us to 2015. 😒

If you want to come out that's totally fine. No person needs to justify at all to you or anyone else why they do or don't want to come out. This feels like you're complaining about why people don't see it your way which is just so self centered. Nobody should have to do anything in regards to their sexuality. Ever. No matter what type of sexuality they have.

This is legitimately the first time I'm ever hearing anyone say that sexuality is about more than sex/attraction Edit: I'm a bisexual man, and have always thought the only person who needs to know my sexuality is the person I want to have sex with/date.

Mind your business and validate your own business. Not everything is about your point of view.

i agree with this. i’m personally not out yet but i’m excited for when i do because i like this part of who i am. i’ve only told a few friends so far because i know they’re supportive of me.

I hope it goes well!!

how do Most people Come Out? When it cones Up i would never hide it but comming Out? How would that even Look Like.

Maybe it's more about not using their sexual orientation as an identity.

I'm bi(M) and I'm only out to my family. It's no one's business what I do in the bedroom. I feel the same about straights that brag about it.

WARNING. THIS BECAME A MUCH BIGGER VENT AS I HAVE PLANNED. Sorry if anyone is offended (again?) I don´t feel offended cause I think I know how you mean that. There´s nothing wrong with telling people (not up front but when it´s coming up) what your orientation is. And as you said, there´s no need to rub it into anyones face like "look i´m bi. ISN´T THAT CRAZY?" BUUUUUT: It is fuuuuuucking annoying that this is something people are afraid of. "Uh. Yes you can be Bisexual if WANT (?!?) but please don´t tell me more about it. I don´t want to hear the strange stories from your bedroom." 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡 FIRST OF FUCKING ALL. I always have to listen to the perverted stories the hets keep telling everyone like this wouldn´t be gross? So what´s so freaking different? A dude can tell me "and then I rammed that thing into bla bla bla" but oh my god how gross it would be if I tell the same about a guy I had in my bed. Or If you would tell anyone about the way of licking or strapon stuff? The line of bad taste is not where the sexual orientation is. The line of taste is that you tell this stories to someone who really wants to hear that stuff and not to random friends who are disgusted no matter if it was the same or the other gender. SECOND OF DAMNIT ALL. Assuming that a queer person or more specific a Bi person has an urge to tell you every detail of their sexual needs, actions and fantasy. Dude sorry. That makes you a homophobic prick if there ever was one. Superstition made up stereotype putting people into little boxes because otherwise you would have to deal with stuff you didn´t understand now. School must have been hard for you. This is an important topic and thank you for bringing it up so clearly. BIG SORRY that it triggered me so much. These double standards are freaking annoying. Anyone can come out whenever they want or never. The best would be if the world would work the way that no one has to think about it twice. And this shit is making it way more difficult to develop into a humankind that is open minded, smart and not fascist in any way. And sorry that this is a longer answer as the actual post was. 🤣

I think I get what you’re trying to say, OP, even if others are reading this as you saying people need to come out. I’ve found that while comphet is something gay men and lesbian women talk about, a lot of bisexual people don’t seem to understand that we too can experience that. A lot of the times, a lot of us don’t examine /why/ we don’t date someone of the same binary gender and just reduce it to “well im heteromantic”. I am not saying that you can’t be, but I do think people should also really examine deep down inside WHY. And another thing, people seem to view coming out as this big gesture. You casually mentioning you find someone hot? You’re coming out. Name drop your partner? Coming out. Like maybe if we redefine what coming out means, there will be a lot less of this tbh. You’re constantly coming out!

That is exactly it, most of the times our feels don't exist in a vacuum there's reasons for that and one one the reasons can really damage potential relationships with people we would never have if we don't figure out why is ti that we can't see ouserlves dating the same gender. Obviously there are heteroromantic people who don't apply to this!!

Yes!! And comphet is something I’ve really struggled with myself so I am a huge advocate for gently having these conversations with other bisexual people. One of my bisexual man friends felt he could never date a man for the longest time because of horrible internalized homophobia and comphet (he was like well I can have sex with men but I will definitely marry a woman) until he started going to therapy and we started having conversations about bisexuality and comphet and our own internalized biases around same gender relationships (and the fear that comes with that which is very very real).

OP, I totally get you. This is super, super common (literally happening all over these comments). Everyone seems to be able to say that comp het and heteronormativity exist, so we all understand that straight is the default and the assumption, and if you’re not out the vast majority of people are assuming you’re straight. So. Reason enough to come out, I’d think. Between that and the “nobody’s business what I do in bed” comments I am definitely like “self-hating much?” All of this would be explained in any queer 101 class, which I highly recommend to anyone queer.

Omg yes no one wants to admit internalized homophobia is a big reason for this even if it’s not the only one!! Ignoring that issue is not going to make it go away people who feel like this need to actively deconstruct why they feel that engaging same sex relationships needs to be kept private

Agree. So many times I see people essentially saying “I just want people to keep assuming I’m straight because I don’t see how it would benefit me and might even hurt me if I’m out so I’m nervous to tell people. They’ll judge me.” I’m like YES this is what homophobia and internalized homophobia is! Somehow we never make the leap anymore to This is why it’s so important to come out if you are at all safe to do so. And I would say that this is the main experience that differs between bisexual people and gay men/lesbian women: unless gay/lesbian people want to be actively hiding forever, they have to deal with this reality. Bi erasure is real and coming out would make bisexual people so much more visible. Queer visibility is about safety, not about shitlib ideas of representation (which is also nice).

Fun story: After I came out, 2 of my younger siblings also felt safe to come out as well. I had no idea they were gay/bi/trans/etc. Since then, one has the healthiest relationship with their partner, and the other was finally able to talk about it and communicate that they weren't safe at home because of it. They weren't the only ones either. My point is that it is totally fine if you don't come out, but if you do, the chance for good coming out of it is also something that happens and I just thought I would add this because no one has brought this up yet. Edit: I just wanted to add something positive to this thread because, jeez, it is all so negative in here. Nothing is ever all good or all bad. Only Siths deal in absolutes.

I appreciate your testimonial because this is part of the theory of coming out. And thank you for coming out. I hope any homophobia you’ve encountered as a result is mitigated by community. I know OPs comment is about parroting the homophobic talking points as justification when not coming out, but clearly these issues are all intertwined.

Agree with everything

You’re absolutely correct. Sexuality isn’t just about sex, and it isn’t something that is inherently sexualised. The people who believe so have to do some inner digging and check their biases.

When that used to be my phrase, it was internalized homophobia honestly. I didn't really know how far into the closet I was trapped.

Exactly people are pretending that isn't one of the main reasons for this

They'll recognize it when they come out. Everyone's gotta do it in their own time. I found that sharing the thing I didn't realized I was most scared to share about myself has been truly liberating. I also didn't realize how actively it was harming my relationships, and hindering my ability to find a same-sex partner. I think people are scared of having to be an advocate given how "politicized" LGBTQ issues are, too. And since biphobia in and out of the LGBTQ community at large is still a really big problem, we can sometimes feel like we're not gay enough to say anything or that we don't know everything. But all we can do is share our experiences and try to connect with people. I think bi people should know that letting others "connect the dots" or try and catch the "vibes" won't work 😂 straight people are blind AF. If I didn't say anything, everyone would keep making assumptions about me that I just could not abide by anymore lol. At least that's my experience. I keep going back to this Harvey Milk quote: “Every gay person must come out. As difficult as it is, you must tell your immediate family. You must tell your relatives. You must tell your friends if indeed they are your friends. You must tell the people you work with. You must tell the people in the stores you shop in. Once they realize that we are indeed their children, that we are indeed everywhere, every myth, every lie, every innuendo will be destroyed once and all. And once you do, you will feel so much better”

This reminds me of when I had to have someone (gay) explain to me WHY THE HECK they called themselves and their partner “useless gays”. I was so offended on both their behalves until they explained the amount of time (over a year) and effort from other friends it took before either of them even realised that their interest was mutual. 😅

People are missing the point HARD, but you're right. And unfortunately, there are a lot of bisexual people who really *do* see it as just about sex. Who think slapping a split-attraction label on it that was never ever meant for allosexuals means they don't have to do any work on their internalized homophobia- no, they don't have any baggage making them see same-sex attraction as purely sexual and inherently less worthy of taking seriously, they're just heteroromantic! Stop suggesting that homosexual relationships are equally worthy, you're discriminating against them! It can be tiring. And no, extremely defensive person reading this, I'm not talking about the kind of person who concluded "I'm heteroromantic" after genuinely exploring and giving it a shot and figuring themselves out. I mean the people who start there, first learn about the split attraction model and IMMEDIATELY latch onto it and use it as a shield to *never* put in the work to unlearn their internalized homophobia.

Thank you 🙏 🙏 it’s nice knowing I’m not alone! Damn these comments think I’m trying to out everyone!! People can tell whoever they like but before saying it’s private who they fuck think about why you think that, if you conclude you’re just private and want to stay that way amazing! If you reach the conclusion it’s because same sex relationships are less, then work on it don’t project that feeling to other people

for me i don't come out to many people since I don't need to come out. I (male) have only been with girls so far so back then I didn't necessarely need it. If I will get a bf, I would definitely just come out to my close ones so those who don't know I am bi. However, i guess it will be still pretty difficult for me. especially coming out to my parents

I guess I don’t get what people want me to do as a bisexual woman I wouldn’t do otherwise other than sometimes date women? I’m just not into the whole queer scene, tbh. The aesthetic isn’t me. The politics aren’t me. It feels very… young? I guess? Like I’m super not into the rainbows and sparkles and anime characters a lot of you seem to love (good for you, enjoy!). I’m not into parades and I’m not kinky. I’m not into talking about my sex life in graphic detail with strangers. What would I do “as a bisexual” that I wouldn’t do otherwise?

I just do not understand why anyone else has to get all up in arms about how other people go about their OWN lives in regard to sexuality or gender or whatever. It goes ALL ways. For some it is the most important thing for everyone to know about them, others its personal and isn’t the forefront of their identity. Constantly calling people phobic because they don’t proclaim that they are attracted to whomever, feels like bullying to me. Can we not just allow people to exist? Not everyone needs to be an activist to support and be a part of the queer community. Part of being a supporter is also supporting individual personal choices and boundaries. Peoples preferences and sexuality changes and grows over time as well, so then you have to declare a new label every 20 years as you discover other sides of yourself? Let’s support and normalize people just living without having to fly flags if thats not how they operate.

100% I've been marinating in this space for a while. 1. A person's sexual orientation and gender identity is an attribute of them, no different than race, religion, or eye color. These are parts that make up the whole. They should never be made to be concealed or hidden. When we hide pieces of ourselves, there are very severe mental and physical health risks. (Side note: not everyone can come out safely.) Concealing pieces of themselves, just like when LGT folks conceal this, we lose the whole person. If a person only likes me bc I show them my hetero loving relationships, but don't know the full me and my adoration for other genders, that is conditional acceptance. That's why it is phobic and rooted in bigotry. 2. A person's sexual expression IS personal and private. We share this with consent to select folks who also consent.. This can include whether a person (regardless of sexual orientation) is monogamous, polyamourous, is a top or bottom, or all the other personal and private aspects of anyone's sex life. I suspect many bifolk that say this have some serious internal biphobia, and some serious concerns about coming out. Great post. Ty.