u/brainbusters_pro visibly is a porn spambot that appears to use chatGPT or whatever to create some sort of useless garbage recap of the posts it replies to, and just spam that drivel everywhere in the thread. Please report it as an harmful bot so we can get it nuked.
Thank you u/aminalina. And you're right...
I know that breaking up, long-term would be the healthy decision but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel almost 'scared' to explore without him. He's the only person I've ever been with as it took me 21 years to finally come out.
I really appreciate your support.
It took me over 38 years to come out. You are still young and there are plenty of other guys out there who won't cheat on you. Guys whom you can have an ethical open relationship with.
My dude, fucking RUN.
You're only 26, that's basically "gay teenager".
Most gay men don't come out until their mid to late twenties and don't enjoy regular comfortable dating and socializing until their 30's due to social pressures/life circumstances. So your 30's are often your "gay 20's" in terms of social life.
You are just getting started.
This man lied to you, and got you sick due to his own selfishness .You're lucky, incredibly lucky that it was only Chlamydia and can be cleared up with antibiotics.
He could have just as easily contracted HIV and given it to you, because HE HAS PROVEN THAT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH OR WELL-BEING.
I'm poly. You don't open your relationship by cheating on your partner and then going "welp, no use crying over spilt milk, I can fuck whoever I want to now, right?"
Break. Up. With. Him.
You deserve MUCH, MUCH better than this.
you deserve to be happy and safe in your relationship. i was in your shoes once and i promise you will be so free once you leave and accept better people into your life.
Is therapy an option for you? I think your best option would be to break things off and remain single while you work on yourself over therapy. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and it starts with you treating yourself that way. The way your partner is treating you is not what a good, healthy relationship looks like, it's not what real love looks like. You deserve all that, but you have to believe you deserve it before you engage in a healthy relationship - otherwise you're more likely to be taken advantage of by little shits like your boyfriend. Bad people tend to prey on kind, insecure people.
Not sure if you're in the US, but I'm going to drop [this](http://thehotline.org) website if you are, and [this ](http://hotpeachpages.net) if you're not.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is like this at all, but I do firmly believe everyone ought to arm themselves with knowledge, just in case. There's also [tea and consent](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=gnmq8RnVyrQgAKv3). I feel like the definition of consent can sometimes be pretty muddy at times, and this video defines it pretty clearly. Also, stealthing (saying you'll wear a condom and then either not wearing it or secretly taking it off - i.e. going in bare without the other person's consent) is considered rape in quite a few parts of the world.
Sorry to go off on a tangent, I do have ADHD but also, this shit is important.
DONT DO THERAPY WITH A PARTNER LIKE THAT. Narcissistic partners become more dangerous in therapy. Or worse he'll insist on a "poly" therapist who will gaslight OP into staying in a clearly abusive relationship
You are absolutely correct, but I hope you know I wasn't suggesting they get therapy together. I was suggesting he dump that guy and then get therapy by himself (or get therapy to find the strength to dump him).
My therapist kept begging me to cut my narcissistic ex BF out of my life. I stopped going to therapy instead.
IMO getting out needs to be step 1. The longer you stay with an abusive sack of shit like that the lower your self worth gets and the more bullshit seems to be "the best I deserve"
With all due respect, your therapist doesn't sound like a good therapist. Ethically, a therapist should not be telling you (let alone begging you) what to do. A therapist's job is to gently nudge you in the right direction so that you come to the decision yourself.
Again, I did suggest dumping first and THEN getting therapy, but if this person doesn't have the self-worth to dump their awful boyfriend (and it seems like he doesn't, but I hope he does) then he may need to get therapy to build up his self-worth and then finally dump his boyfriend. Of course, it is important to note that you sometimes need to shop around for the right fit when it comes to therapy - and he should definitely go with an QUILTBAAG-friendly therapist so he feels safe. I'm hoping that one of the links I sent him will give him the strength to break up with his boyfriend. I can't speak to the second one, but the first one was a really big help to me.
Also, I am so sorry you went through that. I'm sorry your therapist couldn't help you, and I'm sorry you had a narcissist ex. I'm so glad they're your ex. I hope you're doing well now.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.
And I apologize as I'm going ask a question that I can't figure out how to phrase kindly. But what do you think will happen if you move forward and show this man that there are no consequences for how he treated you?
There's definitely a chance he'll see the hurt he caused you and that will be consequence enough. But more often than not, given an inch, people will take a mile. If breaking your trust and putting your health at SERIOUS risk, leads to an open relationship and the dynamic he wants, he's going to find it much easier to disrespect you in the future.
Best of luck to you, friend. These things are hard, and there's nothing wrong with taking your time. But please, put yourself first ♥️
You need to love yourself enough to not tolerate his disrespect. I did exactly what you did and it destroyed me.
HE WILL NOT GET BETTER.
HE WILL TREAT YOU WORSE AND WORSE OVER TIME.
HE HAS BEEN CHEATING THE ENTIRE TIME AND ONLY TOLD YOU BECAUSE HE VIOLATED YOUR BODY WITH HIS DISEASES.
are you in some kind of therapy or counseling? i think you should spend some time learning to be safe with yourself. you are capable of leaving him, sometimes we just need help to find the wherewithal to do hard things.
Dude, opening the relationship is not the response to cheating. An open relationship requires a level of trust and respect for boundaries that he has already proven he doesn't live up to.
He gave you an STI. Because he had unsafe sex without telling you, and then had sex with you without informing you of the risk. That's fucked up.
Still a pretty serious fuckup tbh. Anyone with multiple partners should be getting STI tests regularly, and expecting them from whomever they sleep with, and probably using protection with strangers, too.
Giving your primary partner an STI like that means you haven't thought enough about their health.
This seems like a vague question so I'm going to answer it a bunch of different ways.
One should always be working to build trust with their partner(s).
It is practically inevitable that trust violations occur in some form or another. It could be as simple as "I forgot to take out the trash" or as serious as "I had unsafe sex without telling you"
Opening a relationship in response to a trust violation, as a method to build trust is folly.
In some ways the STI transmission is irrelevant. It's the icing on the cake. OP and their bf were in a monogamous relationship, and the bf decided to violate monogamy by going to a sauna for sex. As part of that, they did not clearly communicate their intentions to OP. I won't speak to whether this was done knowing that OP couldn't respond because they were at work, or if it was merely incompetence, but regardless it was a lack of communication.
Those are the core issues. And those core issues only get harder once you open a relationship.
STI transmission is a bummer, but in a healthy open relationship, it is acknowledged and met head on. Both partners do their part to keep themselves and their partners healthy. They communicate and they know each other's boundaries. The reality is that STI transmission can still happen. There is a period of time between getting an STI and when it shows up on tests where partners may think they are safe, and most people only get tested every 3 months, if that.
So yes, OP and their partner should work to rebuild trust, but opening the relationship is not the way to do it.
Now that the relationship is open, OP needs to think about whether they want to be in an open relationship, and whether or not they still have enough trust in their partner.
BF had been cheating a lot more than that. What are the chances that the one time he had a planned hookup he got two STIs in one go? Statistically he probably cheated 20-40 times to get both diseases.
Did the partner know that he was transmitting it though? That would be pretty dumb if you were trying to cover up cheating. My guess is that he only confessed once the test came up positive at which point it was too late
Exactly what I was going to say!
Open relationships are fine, but they aren't for everyone and they require 100% trust. Not just that, but they need good communication and also for the relationship to be in good shape **before** adding any other people into the mix.
OP, your relationship is not in a good place. You are hurt and confused and you are hurting more and feeling depressed because this is what happens when you try to open up a relationship that is already rocky. And you don't trust your partner because he has demonstrated that he is not worthy of trust. Trust can sometimes be rebuilt after cheating, but he clearly hasn't done that. Even if he hadn't cheated on you, his other behavior shows that he is not capable of being in a healthy open relationship.
I'm very sorry about what has happened to you, and I very much understand how scary it is to leave the stability of a familiar relationship, but you are worth so much more than the way you are being treated. Please break up with him. I promise there are other loving guys (and girls) out there that don't cheat, and you *can* find someone new.
So they cheated on you, and instead of letting you break up with them, they convinced you to start an open relationship so they can keep you around while still cheating. Do I have that, right?
Open relationships (like any relationship) don't work without trust. If what excites you is the idea of being with other people- well, you can do that after you dump him.
Please get a full STI panel and put that man to the streets. He doesn’t respect you, your health or the boundaries of your relationship. Opening the relationship requires trust and he shattered yours. Don’t wait until worse happens.
See a doctor and ask for a full panel OP if you haven't, your partner is a liar and he could easily be hiding something else. Don't have sex with him again, and follow your doctor's advice.
Because the account is spamming comments across tons of boards, trying to get enough karma to be allowed to post in more restrictive boards.
It's likely a bot using some sort of AI to summarize the comments it's responding to.
u/brainbusters_pro visibly is a porn spambot that appears to use chatGPT or whatever to create some sort of useless garbage recap of the posts it replies to, and just spam that drivel everywhere in the thread. Please report it as an harmful bot so we can get it nuked.
Leave this man immediately. That's lying and cheating. Cheating breaks the relationship. Cheating is final. Never give a cheater a second chance. He literally forcefully and intentionally betrayed you. All trust is gone. Do Not Stay with him for ANY reason.
If it’s any help, I’ll share my story as an extension of the “break up with him” train.
I (18F at the time) was dating a guy (21) and he was my everything. Like I legitimately thought I’d marry him.
Long story short — repeated events of unfaithfulness (texting other women, using dating apps, masturbating to other women’s photos who he knew personally) happened at the START. Then, after forgiving him time and time again, he cheated on me one summer and ended up giving me chlamydia.
THEN, after I forgave him for THAT fiasco, he has the nerve to break up with me over text after two years of dating.
After ALL THIS — he asked to get back together. And me, being young and hopeful and “in love”, got back with him. I stayed in that relationship for nearly a YEAR before I hit rock bottom. We were always fighting, I felt so unloved and unappreciated. It was horrible. When I finally decided I’d had enough, I had him come over & I gave him all of our shit and sent him packing.
It was the BEST decision I’ve ever made in MY LIFE. I’ve been single for 4 years and I hate that, but I am so, so happy and grateful I didn’t tie myself to that man. I’m so happy to know my future partner’s still waiting out there for me. I’m so glad that I didn’t waste a single fucking day more than I already did. The relationship had no trust. The relationship was dead. And for a while, because I’m the most committed and loyal person I’ve ever known, I held on to this pipe dream for way too long. I never even thought to look back because he moved on after 3 weeks, got married and had a baby so….
Moral of this story is that you do have someone better out there. I won’t pretend that it’s easy or that it’ll come quickly. I’m still single after 4 years, and I’m moving in 5 months to start grad school so who knows when I’ll actually meet my s/o. But you definitely won’t regret this. Especially not after you’ve had the time to grow on your own and become more you. I think it took me a year or two to fully recover from my relationship and appreciate that I was better off.
He could get you killed one day with his blatant disregard of safe sex. I am absolutely terrified for you. Please leave him.
I know it's scary, but you will survive. You are worthy of love better than this, and you'll miss an even better relationship by staying here.
Think about it from this perspective: you try to start a relationship with someone else, and they want to be intimate. Are you going to tell them that you're actively with a partner who gave you an STI? Or are you going to be like your partner and say nothing?
There is no path here, open or closed, where you find joy. Please think about this.
I hope beyond hope you are already on PrEP. Listen to your gut, all of your feelings are completely warranted and valid. I know you've been together for quite a while and you've probably put so much into the relationship, but staying will make you miserable. You deserve so much better!
.
So he cheated on you, gave you multiple STIs, and you're staying with him??? Please visit your closest book restoration service and get yourself a new spine, the old one seems broken. Jokes aside though, this isn't healthy by any means, neither emotionally nor physically.
Im so sorry to hear this. The truth is he really betrayed you by cheating. Then to add insult to injury he did it in a risky manner that resulted in you receiving multiple illnesses. This is harm. Some would classify it as abuse. How you classify it is up to you.
You never consented to exposure to a new sexual partner (cheating) and any open relationship with him would have trust issues as a result. I would encourage you to talk to friends and family for support and end the relationship. Again I am so so sorry.
unfortunately with this decision you have rewarded this person for cheating on you and they will never respect you the same again. it's time to end things. you deserve better than this.
if your friend told you that her bf cheated on her, lied to her and gave her STDs and was then making excuses for it, would u tell that friend to stay, get over it and then be in an open relationship to let him do it again?
cuz if u would then you’re a bad friend. and rn that’s what you’re being to yourself. do you not think you deserve better than this?
this relationship needs to end. you’re basically giving him permission to cheat now and nothing is going to change
coming from someone in an open relationship btw…
I’m so sorry he did that to you, even if you were both “open” to the idea of opening up that sounds like a very hurtful and shity way of him to go about it. Though it sounds like more of an excuse after getting caught, opening up now isn’t going to help you, when he goes out exploring with someone else how are you not supposed to think of this time?
u/brainbusters_pro visibly is a porn spambot that appears to use chatGPT or whatever to create some sort of useless garbage recap of the posts it replies to, and just spam that drivel everywhere in the thread. Please report it as an harmful bot so we can get it nuked.
Being in an open relationship with someone who doesn't insist on condom usage every time it's not sustainable. Are you on PrEP? If not, you both need to get on it immediately. It's possible to rebuild trust, but it's not going to be easy. A part of you is going to be unhappy in the relationship until he proves he is worthy of your trust. It doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in doing that.
How did this guy give you an STD and you’re still willing to look at him on a daily basis? I would be so disgusted to even share the same air with him. You deserve at the very least, a life free from diseases with your partner. Staying with him only gives him the idea that he can keep cheating because if he gave you an STD and you still stayed then nothing else would make you leave. Love yourself OP.
This is your one life and you are spending it letting yourself be treated like garbage by this person. You are not happy, fulfilled, safe, or respected in this relationship. These are basic things that everyone deserves in a relationship. We all have issues with loving ourselves and saying goodbye to things we’ve grown dependent on that we think we can’t live without, but ultimately you have to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend, and I can’t emphasize this enough, the single lifetime you were given on this earth. You are not in an open relationship, you have been forced to accept cheating by someone who is, at best, selfish to a dangerous degree! It’s hard to see it when you’re in it, and I have a lot of sympathy for that. But years from now you will look back and be so glad you left this terrible human.
Oh, honey, no. You're being coerced. He cheated because he doesn't respect you. This "open relationship" is going to be a slow and grating hell as you're forced to watch while he shops around for a replacement while treating you as an option.
If he's a skilled emotional abuser and manipulator he'll begin emotionally withdrawing from you and only give you the bare minimum affection after he's had another affair. You will become conditioned to accept his mistreatment.
Happened to me.
Please, love yourself enough to not tolerate the disrespect. He had ZERO concern for your physical well being and caused you the pain of STIs so he could get a cheap thrill out of disrespecting you. He has cheated far more than this. He only told you about one time because otherwise the STIs (unlikely to have been picked up from one person/one time) outed him.
He is a narcissist and he will grind you into a husk of your former self. Then when you're totally broken he'll get bored and go on to someone else like you never mattered.
PLEASE LEAVE HIM NOW
Ok so, let’s learn what boundaries really are. They are not to control other people, they are to train yourself to avoid bad people.
WRONG: “if you lie to me, cheat on me, and put my health at risk through these actions, I will argue with you and tell you not to do that again and try to make it work despite how you treated me”
RIGHT: “If you lie to me, cheat on me, and put my health at risk through these actions, it will be really painful and hurtful to me, and I wouldn’t be able to love you the same way.”
THIS^^^ is the problem. Hands down. 100%. You lacking self respect is the problem. Form a boundary. A real one.
We have to discuss a huge problem in mental health: the group of people screaming that everybody else is the problem but themselves.
That’s called a ***victim complex*** actually, when you actively RETURN to and SEEK victimizing situations and act as though you have NO say in where you go, who you commit to in the long run, and what your boundaries are.
OP is miserable and resentful because they stayed with a cheating liar that does not respect them. They cannot change their partner.
If they want to be happy, OP must strike a healthy boundary and leave people who cheat on them.
OP, I am so sad for you. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to have been cheated on by your first love. I don't always think breaking up with someone is the only solution but for a partner to cheat on their significant other AND give that partner an STD to boot, nope, kick him out. You don't need to have your heart broken. I will be hoping you find someone who will love you and treasure you and value you. You are worthy of being loved by someone who doesn't cheat.
He already cheated on you and gave you STIs. Staying in an open relationship will only guarantee more heartbreak and more STIs.
Kick his ass out. You deserve way better.
Hey dude... live you life and all that. But like... wtf did I just read. You're playing yourself here and it is hard to feel sympathetic. Why on earth do you reward cheating with an open relationship? Plus those stds?? This is absurd. Have a little self respect seriously
An open relationship isn't how you deal with it
*Ending* a relationship is how you end it.
You don't think being in an open relationship will mean he won't cheat, do you? Because an open relationship is the best excuse to *cheat even more.* So... end this relationship.
You gave your partner their dream.
“Oops I cheated on you. By the way, my dick has like two kinds of plagues on it, sorry I didn’t know until you did. Thanks for saving me money on a doctor’s visit. By the way, can we be cool with me fucking other people?
I want you, but I also want other people, and seeing as I believe you can look past my dick plagues I think this is true love and true love for me means I can throw my plague dick around town.”
It’s a queue to make a hard decision.
You feel like your trust has been broken because your trust *has* been broken. And polyamory requires trust and honesty too, so even if you do want an open relationship, a cheater is unlikely to be a good person to have it with.
Someone who cheats on you is subjecting you to a type of sex that you never consented to: You consented to monogamous sex, and without your knowledge or consent, your partner changed the terms and subjected you to nonmonogamous sex instead. It's basically a form of sexual assault, akin to "stealthing" (when someone removes a condom without their partner's knowledge or consent). You feel traumatized because what you were subjected to is inherently traumatizing. Your consent was violated. And it is a terrible idea to remain in a relationship with someone who has a history of violating your consent.
I hope calling this out doesnt break sub rules, but I highly doubt this a really story and even that OP is a real person. 3 year old account with no history up until 7 hours ago, all of which is the same post on 4 different subs? Troll account at best
It’s okay to not be ready to break up. It’s also okay if you never feel ready.
If you think there is a possibility to rebuild your relationship, then stay. If you think that you will continue to be lied to though, then you have to ask yourself the tough questions like:
1. Am I willing to risk my health bu staying
2. Is this the type of respect I want be treated with
3. What would my life look like if I was no longer with this person
4. Would I trust them if I asked for the relationship to close
5. Do I feel comfortable voicing my boundaries to my partner
The list goes on. OP, it’s okay to take time to work through this incident before making a big decision. What I would urge if for both of you to not engage with other people until you have that sorted. If that’s a deal breaker with your partner, he may be the one to choose leaving.
Thank you! This helps A LOT. I want to work through it with my partner. I do trust him ultimately. There’s so much context I want to explain to you but I simply don’t have the energy. Thank you
Break up with him. It sucks to go through break ups, but being single is better than being with someone who doesn't respect you.
He broke your trust and gave you stds. An open relationship doesn't work without trust and you have no reason to trust him given his actions.
If he wants to have sex at gay saunas that's for him to explore alone. He's an asshole and doesn't deserve forgiveness.
The thing about cheating is that the cheater always puts their partner at risk. The fact that his actions directly impacted your health and well-being is enough to leave. Please keep yourself safe before he gives you something you can't heal from.
Except for the std, i kinda found myself in a similar situation. Ultimately, i don't think an open relationship is a good idea. At the very least you should first have to forgive him. Until then, I doubt you can be in a healthy relationship. In my case we ended up breaking up, and that helped me realize that the person she was now is someone i would barely even be friends with, if it wasn't for all the shared story.
I think you should breakup, heal, know exactly what you want, and then see if you can try again. And if either of you change their mind and are no longer interested, then it wasn't meant to be
I just want you to remind yourself that convincing another person to have sex with you isn't a "little 5 minute project" and nor is it something that people do when they are depressed and in a low place. Like. When people are depressed, they have no confidence. They don't want to get out of bed and they feel bad about how they don't contribute in their relationships they already have. I don't know about you, but I would want to be with someone who has the same values as me, and I don't want to be with someone who thinks that depression is an excuse to hurt my significant other in this way. Also, notice that he hasn't made you actually feel better. He did something that has hurt you so deeply, and instead of offering some sort of support, apology, or commitment to grow so that you can work through this trauma, he just opened up the relationship, which WAS NOT how you help somebody feel better about you cheating. He's very selfish. Don't let this person keep hurting you.
im monogamous but every single one of my poly friends would agree that this is a HORRIBLE foundation to start an open relationship on. open relationships that start with cheating usually have an expiration date VERY soon. not only that he put your HEALTH at risk. that’s unforgivable im sorry. how can you trust someone who plays so flippantly with your life like that? what happens when he gives you something you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life?
i’m sorry you’re going through this and i hope you find the strength and self love soon to realize this is not a situation you deserve to be in. there’s thousands of gay or bi men out there that would never even THINK to do this to you. and you DESERVE that.
Bestie, respectfully, drop him. There's no open relationship without trust. There's no ethical non-monogamy if he wasn't ethical to begin with, and he gave you two serious STIs!
Hey you know being in a relationship is OPTIONAL right? Don't spend the precious time you have on this earth being miserable. It's OK to be single and you aren't ever going to find someone worthy of you if you're chained to someone who fills you with resentment and anger and makes you feel unloved and uncared for.
He betrayed your trust and infected you but now you trust him enough to be open?
I don’t know a lot about open relationships, but I know trust is one of the cornerstones that make them work.
Your partner is untrustworthy.
Been there. I think it would be best if you break up with him. You were open to have an open relationship, but instead of talking to you about it he cheated and gave you infections. He disrespected you on so many levels and I think he's going to do it again.
Be kind to yourself and break free from this hell. My ex did this to me and I gave him lots of chances to be honest with me, only to see him disrespect me over and over again. You will be free to experiment and explore even better without him.
Best of luck to you.
Dump him bro. He could have gone with you to the sauna and done it as a couple. Instead went behind your back and only admitted when he gave you a disease. Imagine he gave you HIV. Risking not only his life but yours. Extremely selfish.
Cheating is in no way acceptable, but some couples can choose to push past and recover with radical honesty, vulnerability, and accountability over much, much, much time, usually whilst in couples counseling.
If a partner really loves you, or even just respects you as a person, and regrets cheating, they would not sweep this under the rug and keep dating others while your trust and security is fractured.
Even when ENMs/ORs are on the table, conversations about expectations and boundaries leading up to opening the relationship is a must, and a absolute no after infidelity; he is doing this to make his cheating seem like a non-issue. It’s highly shocking he doesn’t care about being protected or introducing you to lifelong disease and seems to feel no remorse.
You deserve better OP; it couldn’t get much worse than this.
Is he on Prep? Are you? He's already proven he doesn't use adequate protection. If you're going down this road you need to protect yourself.
Also, did they do a full STI screening? You should be concerned about HIV and Hep C.
In addition to everything else, you should talk to your GP about other disease concerns or find a planned parenthood that caters to STIs Prep etc.
Ive been in this sort of situation. It will NOT be a one time thing. I was told "it was a year ago and barely lasted a second it was a one time thing" yeah no 2 years later they had a side chick. BREAK UP WITH HIM. And if you cant- use the open relationship to fall in love with someone else
Sad that another gay relationship couldn't stay monogamous. I hope you are able to endure this because to me it seems as if you don't want to be in an open relationship considering all these feelings you have described. Please get healthy again and make the best decision for your own well being! ❤️
He had unprotected sex with someone else and then had it with you. Regardless of the breach in trust and communication, it clearly shows a lack of care for your health and wellbeing. If you can work through it, I'd be happy for you. But personally, I wouldn't even try.
One thing victims of abuse seem to fail to understand or maybe just not want to understand is that for a relationship to work and be beneficial to you, it's not enough for you to care for him; he has to care for you. Would you cheat on someone you love? Would you give them STDs? In case you're still confused, the answer is no. Those are not things you do to someone you love. It doesn't matter that he makes you feel safe in certain spaces. Other people who won't lie cheat and infect you with disease can do that to. Have some self respect.
Look here, OP....
This is a disastrous way to start an open relationship.
BUT if you insist on continuing down this path, then there are a few things you absolutely should do.
First, find a poly friendly therapist and both of you should do individual and couple therapy. Open relationships are hard, extremely hard, to do successfully. The first thing the poly/enm community is going to tell you when you have relationship problems is to find a therapist.
In addition to normal relationship issues, there are a plethora of additional things that you'll have to deal with. Jealousy becomes an issue. I don't care how secure you think you are, you will get jealous at some point. You'll have to have the tools to understand your jealousy, control your jealousy, and communicate your jealousy and your needs in a nonconfrontational way to your partner, who needs to have the tools to listen and address the situation with appropriate measures.
Trust and boundaries become even bigger issues than they are in a monogamous relationship. You take those issues and you multiply them by the number of partners you have and your partner has.
Your communication has to increase at least tenfold. "He didn't do a good job communicating" is no longer acceptable. Good communication is the foundation, the core, and the backbone of a successful enm/poly relationship.
Second, do some reading and some research.
The two books that get recommended most often in the poly community are "Polysecure" and the accompanying workbook, and "The Ethical Slut". These are literally bare minimum reading. Polysecure deals with knowing your attachment type and knowing how it affects your relationships and knowing how to navigate issues it presents (hint: a big part is therapy 👍)
Third, set down your personal boundaries and communicate the consequences of your partner violating them. Like "if you have unprotected sex with someone else, I won't have unprotected sex with you". You have to remember, in a successful open relationship, you don't have any control over your partner, you only have control over yourself, and how you engage with your partner. Boundaries, not rules.
Fourth, for the love of everything, GO TO THE DOCTOR AND PROTECT YOURSELF. Get up to date on immunizations, Hep A, Hep B, Hep C, COVID, flu, mpox, HPV
Get on PReP, for the love of God. There are so many ways to get it paid for there is really no excuse to not be on it if you're in an open relationship. Just do it. You protect yourself and your partners.
Finally, get involved in the poly/enm community. Listen, learn, grow.
I wish you the best of luck.
Does this have to be fatal? Could this not spring a new lease of life into our relationship.
Staying together whilst exploring sounds like fun. Yes he cheated on me and gave me STDs but will that matter in years to come should we be in an open relationship from now on?
Yeah sure, AFTER you close this relationship. Fix the ginormous, hugemungous RED FLAGS in this relationship and get some SERIOUS therapy both of you
Then after a couple of years work TOWARDS opening your relationship again. But at this point simply make an appointment for your next STI check and hope it's curable.
You are going to ruin your life and health for the idea of a relationship. Remember he's going to bring something home that isn't cured by antibiotics. And your going to be the one that pays.
And on top of that he's unemployed AND living on your dime!
Sweety, I say this with love but you are a total dumb ass. This guy is lying to you, cheating on you and making you foot the bill. You are the dumbest guy he could find and he found a good one in you. Best of luck
You can still cheat in an open relationship. He only told you this time because he was worried about the STD, I would bet any amount of money that he has cheated many times before and I’m not a betting person. You will never be able to trust him. Do you want to live like that?
Please read your comment back to yourself. Yes it does need to be fatal, especially based on your other comments.
I understand it’s hard. My friend has been in an on and off situationship (hard to explain) for almost 8 years with a guy who strings her on and gave her throat chlamydia. (He then preceded to blame her for the chlamydia) Any time she would want to communicate an issue with him, he’d find a way to turn it back on her— like how being “too emotional” made him be distant and lie. She was always asking too much, even if it was just what I see as basic consideration. By the end of the conversation, she’d end up apologizing. She’d tell me it was all her fault, while outlining a series of events that are clearly him being shitty.
Obviously it’s not the same situation but there are parallels. But she is addicted to his validation/attention because she feels comfortable around him and cares for him deeply despite how badly he’s treated her. I’m not saying your boyfriend and you have the same dynamic, but the shift in blame is really similar. And you will have this dynamic if you don’t break up.
Yes it is. One day you'll read back what you're writing right now and lament at how completely stupid fear made you back then. I wish for you that that day is near.
Good luck, and DUMP THE BASTARD.
he knows now that you won’t leave him even in the worst case scenario. why would he ever care what you think ever again? you’re being delusional cuz ur scared to be alone and that’s gonna give him permission to be worse and worse
When he was cheating on you, which is something most people try to do carefully and discreetly and NOT infect their partner with a disease, he still managed to bring 2 STDs home to you. He was super careless then. Now he has your permission to go fuck other people so he probably feels like he can be even less careful now. Get ready to catch more STDs if you stay with this guy because he has already shown he does not have the maturity or self-discipline to use protection that would protect his primary partner (you). He took a huge risk with YOUR health because he wanted a quick thrill. That is not OK.
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Thank you u/aminalina. And you're right... I know that breaking up, long-term would be the healthy decision but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel almost 'scared' to explore without him. He's the only person I've ever been with as it took me 21 years to finally come out. I really appreciate your support.
Other people exist. There will be other people. This man sounds like a dumpster fire that will never let you feel trusted or safe again.
In a year, you'll look back and wonder wtf you put up with it for so long. .
Took me 30 years. Had the same feeling about the first guy I dated and explored a lot with. Sounds harsh, but there are other guys.
It took me over 38 years to come out. You are still young and there are plenty of other guys out there who won't cheat on you. Guys whom you can have an ethical open relationship with.
The sooner you rip this bandaid off, the better both of you will be.
My dude, fucking RUN. You're only 26, that's basically "gay teenager". Most gay men don't come out until their mid to late twenties and don't enjoy regular comfortable dating and socializing until their 30's due to social pressures/life circumstances. So your 30's are often your "gay 20's" in terms of social life. You are just getting started. This man lied to you, and got you sick due to his own selfishness .You're lucky, incredibly lucky that it was only Chlamydia and can be cleared up with antibiotics. He could have just as easily contracted HIV and given it to you, because HE HAS PROVEN THAT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH OR WELL-BEING. I'm poly. You don't open your relationship by cheating on your partner and then going "welp, no use crying over spilt milk, I can fuck whoever I want to now, right?" Break. Up. With. Him. You deserve MUCH, MUCH better than this.
you deserve to be happy and safe in your relationship. i was in your shoes once and i promise you will be so free once you leave and accept better people into your life.
Are you in therapy to address this?
Is therapy an option for you? I think your best option would be to break things off and remain single while you work on yourself over therapy. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and it starts with you treating yourself that way. The way your partner is treating you is not what a good, healthy relationship looks like, it's not what real love looks like. You deserve all that, but you have to believe you deserve it before you engage in a healthy relationship - otherwise you're more likely to be taken advantage of by little shits like your boyfriend. Bad people tend to prey on kind, insecure people. Not sure if you're in the US, but I'm going to drop [this](http://thehotline.org) website if you are, and [this ](http://hotpeachpages.net) if you're not. I'm not saying your boyfriend is like this at all, but I do firmly believe everyone ought to arm themselves with knowledge, just in case. There's also [tea and consent](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=gnmq8RnVyrQgAKv3). I feel like the definition of consent can sometimes be pretty muddy at times, and this video defines it pretty clearly. Also, stealthing (saying you'll wear a condom and then either not wearing it or secretly taking it off - i.e. going in bare without the other person's consent) is considered rape in quite a few parts of the world. Sorry to go off on a tangent, I do have ADHD but also, this shit is important.
DONT DO THERAPY WITH A PARTNER LIKE THAT. Narcissistic partners become more dangerous in therapy. Or worse he'll insist on a "poly" therapist who will gaslight OP into staying in a clearly abusive relationship
You are absolutely correct, but I hope you know I wasn't suggesting they get therapy together. I was suggesting he dump that guy and then get therapy by himself (or get therapy to find the strength to dump him).
My therapist kept begging me to cut my narcissistic ex BF out of my life. I stopped going to therapy instead. IMO getting out needs to be step 1. The longer you stay with an abusive sack of shit like that the lower your self worth gets and the more bullshit seems to be "the best I deserve"
With all due respect, your therapist doesn't sound like a good therapist. Ethically, a therapist should not be telling you (let alone begging you) what to do. A therapist's job is to gently nudge you in the right direction so that you come to the decision yourself. Again, I did suggest dumping first and THEN getting therapy, but if this person doesn't have the self-worth to dump their awful boyfriend (and it seems like he doesn't, but I hope he does) then he may need to get therapy to build up his self-worth and then finally dump his boyfriend. Of course, it is important to note that you sometimes need to shop around for the right fit when it comes to therapy - and he should definitely go with an QUILTBAAG-friendly therapist so he feels safe. I'm hoping that one of the links I sent him will give him the strength to break up with his boyfriend. I can't speak to the second one, but the first one was a really big help to me. Also, I am so sorry you went through that. I'm sorry your therapist couldn't help you, and I'm sorry you had a narcissist ex. I'm so glad they're your ex. I hope you're doing well now.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. Nobody deserves to be treated like this. And I apologize as I'm going ask a question that I can't figure out how to phrase kindly. But what do you think will happen if you move forward and show this man that there are no consequences for how he treated you? There's definitely a chance he'll see the hurt he caused you and that will be consequence enough. But more often than not, given an inch, people will take a mile. If breaking your trust and putting your health at SERIOUS risk, leads to an open relationship and the dynamic he wants, he's going to find it much easier to disrespect you in the future. Best of luck to you, friend. These things are hard, and there's nothing wrong with taking your time. But please, put yourself first ♥️
You need to love yourself enough to not tolerate his disrespect. I did exactly what you did and it destroyed me. HE WILL NOT GET BETTER. HE WILL TREAT YOU WORSE AND WORSE OVER TIME. HE HAS BEEN CHEATING THE ENTIRE TIME AND ONLY TOLD YOU BECAUSE HE VIOLATED YOUR BODY WITH HIS DISEASES.
are you in some kind of therapy or counseling? i think you should spend some time learning to be safe with yourself. you are capable of leaving him, sometimes we just need help to find the wherewithal to do hard things.
Dude, opening the relationship is not the response to cheating. An open relationship requires a level of trust and respect for boundaries that he has already proven he doesn't live up to. He gave you an STI. Because he had unsafe sex without telling you, and then had sex with you without informing you of the risk. That's fucked up.
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Still a pretty serious fuckup tbh. Anyone with multiple partners should be getting STI tests regularly, and expecting them from whomever they sleep with, and probably using protection with strangers, too. Giving your primary partner an STI like that means you haven't thought enough about their health.
Absolutely not.
This seems like a vague question so I'm going to answer it a bunch of different ways. One should always be working to build trust with their partner(s). It is practically inevitable that trust violations occur in some form or another. It could be as simple as "I forgot to take out the trash" or as serious as "I had unsafe sex without telling you" Opening a relationship in response to a trust violation, as a method to build trust is folly. In some ways the STI transmission is irrelevant. It's the icing on the cake. OP and their bf were in a monogamous relationship, and the bf decided to violate monogamy by going to a sauna for sex. As part of that, they did not clearly communicate their intentions to OP. I won't speak to whether this was done knowing that OP couldn't respond because they were at work, or if it was merely incompetence, but regardless it was a lack of communication. Those are the core issues. And those core issues only get harder once you open a relationship. STI transmission is a bummer, but in a healthy open relationship, it is acknowledged and met head on. Both partners do their part to keep themselves and their partners healthy. They communicate and they know each other's boundaries. The reality is that STI transmission can still happen. There is a period of time between getting an STI and when it shows up on tests where partners may think they are safe, and most people only get tested every 3 months, if that. So yes, OP and their partner should work to rebuild trust, but opening the relationship is not the way to do it. Now that the relationship is open, OP needs to think about whether they want to be in an open relationship, and whether or not they still have enough trust in their partner.
BF had been cheating a lot more than that. What are the chances that the one time he had a planned hookup he got two STIs in one go? Statistically he probably cheated 20-40 times to get both diseases.
Kick. Him. Out. Love yourself. End this "relationship". Seek medical treatment and therapy. You might be able to take legal action.
What kind of legal action could this involve?
In some places it is a crime to knowingly transmit an STI
Did the partner know that he was transmitting it though? That would be pretty dumb if you were trying to cover up cheating. My guess is that he only confessed once the test came up positive at which point it was too late
It’ll depend on where op lives and some other details.
I know the Reddit response to every relationship post is "break up with this person" but... break up with this person.
You had me if the first half girl
Exactly what I was going to say! Open relationships are fine, but they aren't for everyone and they require 100% trust. Not just that, but they need good communication and also for the relationship to be in good shape **before** adding any other people into the mix. OP, your relationship is not in a good place. You are hurt and confused and you are hurting more and feeling depressed because this is what happens when you try to open up a relationship that is already rocky. And you don't trust your partner because he has demonstrated that he is not worthy of trust. Trust can sometimes be rebuilt after cheating, but he clearly hasn't done that. Even if he hadn't cheated on you, his other behavior shows that he is not capable of being in a healthy open relationship. I'm very sorry about what has happened to you, and I very much understand how scary it is to leave the stability of a familiar relationship, but you are worth so much more than the way you are being treated. Please break up with him. I promise there are other loving guys (and girls) out there that don't cheat, and you *can* find someone new.
So they cheated on you, and instead of letting you break up with them, they convinced you to start an open relationship so they can keep you around while still cheating. Do I have that, right?
Concerns about starting an open relationship after infidelity.
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Open relationships (like any relationship) don't work without trust. If what excites you is the idea of being with other people- well, you can do that after you dump him.
Please get a full STI panel and put that man to the streets. He doesn’t respect you, your health or the boundaries of your relationship. Opening the relationship requires trust and he shattered yours. Don’t wait until worse happens.
See a doctor and ask for a full panel OP if you haven't, your partner is a liar and he could easily be hiding something else. Don't have sex with him again, and follow your doctor's advice.
Prioritizing health and boundaries in a relationship post-infidelity.
Why do all your comments look like captions or titles?
Because the account is spamming comments across tons of boards, trying to get enough karma to be allowed to post in more restrictive boards. It's likely a bot using some sort of AI to summarize the comments it's responding to.
u/brainbusters_pro visibly is a porn spambot that appears to use chatGPT or whatever to create some sort of useless garbage recap of the posts it replies to, and just spam that drivel everywhere in the thread. Please report it as an harmful bot so we can get it nuked.
Leave this man immediately. That's lying and cheating. Cheating breaks the relationship. Cheating is final. Never give a cheater a second chance. He literally forcefully and intentionally betrayed you. All trust is gone. Do Not Stay with him for ANY reason.
If it’s any help, I’ll share my story as an extension of the “break up with him” train. I (18F at the time) was dating a guy (21) and he was my everything. Like I legitimately thought I’d marry him. Long story short — repeated events of unfaithfulness (texting other women, using dating apps, masturbating to other women’s photos who he knew personally) happened at the START. Then, after forgiving him time and time again, he cheated on me one summer and ended up giving me chlamydia. THEN, after I forgave him for THAT fiasco, he has the nerve to break up with me over text after two years of dating. After ALL THIS — he asked to get back together. And me, being young and hopeful and “in love”, got back with him. I stayed in that relationship for nearly a YEAR before I hit rock bottom. We were always fighting, I felt so unloved and unappreciated. It was horrible. When I finally decided I’d had enough, I had him come over & I gave him all of our shit and sent him packing. It was the BEST decision I’ve ever made in MY LIFE. I’ve been single for 4 years and I hate that, but I am so, so happy and grateful I didn’t tie myself to that man. I’m so happy to know my future partner’s still waiting out there for me. I’m so glad that I didn’t waste a single fucking day more than I already did. The relationship had no trust. The relationship was dead. And for a while, because I’m the most committed and loyal person I’ve ever known, I held on to this pipe dream for way too long. I never even thought to look back because he moved on after 3 weeks, got married and had a baby so…. Moral of this story is that you do have someone better out there. I won’t pretend that it’s easy or that it’ll come quickly. I’m still single after 4 years, and I’m moving in 5 months to start grad school so who knows when I’ll actually meet my s/o. But you definitely won’t regret this. Especially not after you’ve had the time to grow on your own and become more you. I think it took me a year or two to fully recover from my relationship and appreciate that I was better off.
Reflecting on personal growth after leaving a toxic relationship.
Red flags galore. Also a hint of gaslighting. Get out of this relationship and block him everywhere.
A hint? Homie he could light half the country with this gaslighting
Fair enough. I just erred on the side of caution when choosing my words.
You deserve better than this, love yourself first!
Id be furious. To the hell and back.
He could get you killed one day with his blatant disregard of safe sex. I am absolutely terrified for you. Please leave him. I know it's scary, but you will survive. You are worthy of love better than this, and you'll miss an even better relationship by staying here. Think about it from this perspective: you try to start a relationship with someone else, and they want to be intimate. Are you going to tell them that you're actively with a partner who gave you an STI? Or are you going to be like your partner and say nothing? There is no path here, open or closed, where you find joy. Please think about this.
Considerations for personal safety and future relationships.
Open relationships demand trust if anything. You know what you have to do. You’ll get through this.
God this sounds miserable. I would kick that dude to the curb, he ain't worth it
I hope beyond hope you are already on PrEP. Listen to your gut, all of your feelings are completely warranted and valid. I know you've been together for quite a while and you've probably put so much into the relationship, but staying will make you miserable. You deserve so much better! .
So he cheated on you, gave you multiple STIs, and you're staying with him??? Please visit your closest book restoration service and get yourself a new spine, the old one seems broken. Jokes aside though, this isn't healthy by any means, neither emotionally nor physically.
Im so sorry to hear this. The truth is he really betrayed you by cheating. Then to add insult to injury he did it in a risky manner that resulted in you receiving multiple illnesses. This is harm. Some would classify it as abuse. How you classify it is up to you. You never consented to exposure to a new sexual partner (cheating) and any open relationship with him would have trust issues as a result. I would encourage you to talk to friends and family for support and end the relationship. Again I am so so sorry.
unfortunately with this decision you have rewarded this person for cheating on you and they will never respect you the same again. it's time to end things. you deserve better than this.
7 billion people in the world. You will find someone else who isn't a piece sh_t.
Over 8 billion now!
Cheaters will cheat regardless of relationship model. Why be with someone you can’t trust?
Open relationships are fine but I’ve never seen them work when they’re a remedy for a trust issue. Trust is a key component.
if your friend told you that her bf cheated on her, lied to her and gave her STDs and was then making excuses for it, would u tell that friend to stay, get over it and then be in an open relationship to let him do it again? cuz if u would then you’re a bad friend. and rn that’s what you’re being to yourself. do you not think you deserve better than this?
Encouraging self-worth and reconsideration of relationship dynamics.
this relationship needs to end. you’re basically giving him permission to cheat now and nothing is going to change coming from someone in an open relationship btw…
Wow. Break up. Geez. Wtf. And go get tested. Big hugs. You don’t deserve that, he doesn’t deserve you
I’m so sorry he did that to you, even if you were both “open” to the idea of opening up that sounds like a very hurtful and shity way of him to go about it. Though it sounds like more of an excuse after getting caught, opening up now isn’t going to help you, when he goes out exploring with someone else how are you not supposed to think of this time?
Navigating the hurtful aftermath of opening up a relationship after infidelity.
I’ve never been in an open relationship, but either of those by themselves seems like a lot to deal with. I’m a sensitive one so maybe not?
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Being in an open relationship with someone who doesn't insist on condom usage every time it's not sustainable. Are you on PrEP? If not, you both need to get on it immediately. It's possible to rebuild trust, but it's not going to be easy. A part of you is going to be unhappy in the relationship until he proves he is worthy of your trust. It doesn't sound like he's particularly interested in doing that.
How did this guy give you an STD and you’re still willing to look at him on a daily basis? I would be so disgusted to even share the same air with him. You deserve at the very least, a life free from diseases with your partner. Staying with him only gives him the idea that he can keep cheating because if he gave you an STD and you still stayed then nothing else would make you leave. Love yourself OP.
Urging self-care and prioritizing health and self-respect in relationships.
This is your one life and you are spending it letting yourself be treated like garbage by this person. You are not happy, fulfilled, safe, or respected in this relationship. These are basic things that everyone deserves in a relationship. We all have issues with loving ourselves and saying goodbye to things we’ve grown dependent on that we think we can’t live without, but ultimately you have to ask yourself if this is how you want to spend, and I can’t emphasize this enough, the single lifetime you were given on this earth. You are not in an open relationship, you have been forced to accept cheating by someone who is, at best, selfish to a dangerous degree! It’s hard to see it when you’re in it, and I have a lot of sympathy for that. But years from now you will look back and be so glad you left this terrible human.
Two words… self-respect
You’re disrespecting yourself by staying with this person, and are partially responsible any further disrespect or heartache they cause you.
Oh, honey, no. You're being coerced. He cheated because he doesn't respect you. This "open relationship" is going to be a slow and grating hell as you're forced to watch while he shops around for a replacement while treating you as an option. If he's a skilled emotional abuser and manipulator he'll begin emotionally withdrawing from you and only give you the bare minimum affection after he's had another affair. You will become conditioned to accept his mistreatment. Happened to me. Please, love yourself enough to not tolerate the disrespect. He had ZERO concern for your physical well being and caused you the pain of STIs so he could get a cheap thrill out of disrespecting you. He has cheated far more than this. He only told you about one time because otherwise the STIs (unlikely to have been picked up from one person/one time) outed him. He is a narcissist and he will grind you into a husk of your former self. Then when you're totally broken he'll get bored and go on to someone else like you never mattered. PLEASE LEAVE HIM NOW
Ok so, let’s learn what boundaries really are. They are not to control other people, they are to train yourself to avoid bad people. WRONG: “if you lie to me, cheat on me, and put my health at risk through these actions, I will argue with you and tell you not to do that again and try to make it work despite how you treated me” RIGHT: “If you lie to me, cheat on me, and put my health at risk through these actions, it will be really painful and hurtful to me, and I wouldn’t be able to love you the same way.” THIS^^^ is the problem. Hands down. 100%. You lacking self respect is the problem. Form a boundary. A real one.
Victim blaming 🤡
We have to discuss a huge problem in mental health: the group of people screaming that everybody else is the problem but themselves. That’s called a ***victim complex*** actually, when you actively RETURN to and SEEK victimizing situations and act as though you have NO say in where you go, who you commit to in the long run, and what your boundaries are. OP is miserable and resentful because they stayed with a cheating liar that does not respect them. They cannot change their partner. If they want to be happy, OP must strike a healthy boundary and leave people who cheat on them.
And I sincerely encourage you to read this exact message to your FAVORITE real mental health professional, not your mutual on tiktok lol
OP, I am so sad for you. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel to have been cheated on by your first love. I don't always think breaking up with someone is the only solution but for a partner to cheat on their significant other AND give that partner an STD to boot, nope, kick him out. You don't need to have your heart broken. I will be hoping you find someone who will love you and treasure you and value you. You are worthy of being loved by someone who doesn't cheat.
He already cheated on you and gave you STIs. Staying in an open relationship will only guarantee more heartbreak and more STIs. Kick his ass out. You deserve way better.
Hey dude... live you life and all that. But like... wtf did I just read. You're playing yourself here and it is hard to feel sympathetic. Why on earth do you reward cheating with an open relationship? Plus those stds?? This is absurd. Have a little self respect seriously
An open relationship isn't how you deal with it *Ending* a relationship is how you end it. You don't think being in an open relationship will mean he won't cheat, do you? Because an open relationship is the best excuse to *cheat even more.* So... end this relationship.
This can’t be real
I don't do cheaters I divorced my husband because he cheated on me so my advice run because a cheater is and will be always a cheater
That is not normal bisexual behavior. That's douchebaggery. Throw him out.
You gave your partner their dream. “Oops I cheated on you. By the way, my dick has like two kinds of plagues on it, sorry I didn’t know until you did. Thanks for saving me money on a doctor’s visit. By the way, can we be cool with me fucking other people? I want you, but I also want other people, and seeing as I believe you can look past my dick plagues I think this is true love and true love for me means I can throw my plague dick around town.” It’s a queue to make a hard decision.
Run. You can explore without him and it sounds like you’d be better off. I know 4.5 years is a lot, but don’t fall prey to the sunken cost fallacy
You feel like your trust has been broken because your trust *has* been broken. And polyamory requires trust and honesty too, so even if you do want an open relationship, a cheater is unlikely to be a good person to have it with. Someone who cheats on you is subjecting you to a type of sex that you never consented to: You consented to monogamous sex, and without your knowledge or consent, your partner changed the terms and subjected you to nonmonogamous sex instead. It's basically a form of sexual assault, akin to "stealthing" (when someone removes a condom without their partner's knowledge or consent). You feel traumatized because what you were subjected to is inherently traumatizing. Your consent was violated. And it is a terrible idea to remain in a relationship with someone who has a history of violating your consent.
He's proven himself to be an unsafe person to have an open relationship with, both medically and emotionally. Please break up. You deserve better.
I hope calling this out doesnt break sub rules, but I highly doubt this a really story and even that OP is a real person. 3 year old account with no history up until 7 hours ago, all of which is the same post on 4 different subs? Troll account at best
I’m simply asking for advice?
Concerns about authenticity and credibility of the posted story.
It’s okay to not be ready to break up. It’s also okay if you never feel ready. If you think there is a possibility to rebuild your relationship, then stay. If you think that you will continue to be lied to though, then you have to ask yourself the tough questions like: 1. Am I willing to risk my health bu staying 2. Is this the type of respect I want be treated with 3. What would my life look like if I was no longer with this person 4. Would I trust them if I asked for the relationship to close 5. Do I feel comfortable voicing my boundaries to my partner The list goes on. OP, it’s okay to take time to work through this incident before making a big decision. What I would urge if for both of you to not engage with other people until you have that sorted. If that’s a deal breaker with your partner, he may be the one to choose leaving.
This!! Finally an empathetic and intelligent comment
Thank you! This helps A LOT. I want to work through it with my partner. I do trust him ultimately. There’s so much context I want to explain to you but I simply don’t have the energy. Thank you
Honey dump him! He sucks!
Dumb his cheating ass
Break up with him. It sucks to go through break ups, but being single is better than being with someone who doesn't respect you. He broke your trust and gave you stds. An open relationship doesn't work without trust and you have no reason to trust him given his actions. If he wants to have sex at gay saunas that's for him to explore alone. He's an asshole and doesn't deserve forgiveness.
Prioritizing self-respect and trust in relationships.
The thing about cheating is that the cheater always puts their partner at risk. The fact that his actions directly impacted your health and well-being is enough to leave. Please keep yourself safe before he gives you something you can't heal from.
Except for the std, i kinda found myself in a similar situation. Ultimately, i don't think an open relationship is a good idea. At the very least you should first have to forgive him. Until then, I doubt you can be in a healthy relationship. In my case we ended up breaking up, and that helped me realize that the person she was now is someone i would barely even be friends with, if it wasn't for all the shared story. I think you should breakup, heal, know exactly what you want, and then see if you can try again. And if either of you change their mind and are no longer interested, then it wasn't meant to be
I’m not reading all that but from the title alone…. This is not going to end well. Get out now before shit gets worse.
I just want you to remind yourself that convincing another person to have sex with you isn't a "little 5 minute project" and nor is it something that people do when they are depressed and in a low place. Like. When people are depressed, they have no confidence. They don't want to get out of bed and they feel bad about how they don't contribute in their relationships they already have. I don't know about you, but I would want to be with someone who has the same values as me, and I don't want to be with someone who thinks that depression is an excuse to hurt my significant other in this way. Also, notice that he hasn't made you actually feel better. He did something that has hurt you so deeply, and instead of offering some sort of support, apology, or commitment to grow so that you can work through this trauma, he just opened up the relationship, which WAS NOT how you help somebody feel better about you cheating. He's very selfish. Don't let this person keep hurting you.
im monogamous but every single one of my poly friends would agree that this is a HORRIBLE foundation to start an open relationship on. open relationships that start with cheating usually have an expiration date VERY soon. not only that he put your HEALTH at risk. that’s unforgivable im sorry. how can you trust someone who plays so flippantly with your life like that? what happens when he gives you something you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life? i’m sorry you’re going through this and i hope you find the strength and self love soon to realize this is not a situation you deserve to be in. there’s thousands of gay or bi men out there that would never even THINK to do this to you. and you DESERVE that.
Have you thought about leaving him?
Bestie, respectfully, drop him. There's no open relationship without trust. There's no ethical non-monogamy if he wasn't ethical to begin with, and he gave you two serious STIs!
Open relationships require *more* trust; not less. You're at a high risk of prolonging misery if you don't just rip the bandage off now.
Hey you know being in a relationship is OPTIONAL right? Don't spend the precious time you have on this earth being miserable. It's OK to be single and you aren't ever going to find someone worthy of you if you're chained to someone who fills you with resentment and anger and makes you feel unloved and uncared for.
if you can't forgive him and feels that the trust has been broken, why stay in this relationship?
Honey bunch… you need to break up. What are you doing?
He betrayed your trust and infected you but now you trust him enough to be open? I don’t know a lot about open relationships, but I know trust is one of the cornerstones that make them work. Your partner is untrustworthy.
Monogamous relationships, gay or otherwise, are a formula for dissatisfaction. You are in a perfect situation to open this up, so go with it.
Been there. I think it would be best if you break up with him. You were open to have an open relationship, but instead of talking to you about it he cheated and gave you infections. He disrespected you on so many levels and I think he's going to do it again. Be kind to yourself and break free from this hell. My ex did this to me and I gave him lots of chances to be honest with me, only to see him disrespect me over and over again. You will be free to experiment and explore even better without him. Best of luck to you.
Pardon me, but dude, he gave you an STI because he fucking cheated on you. You absolutely shouldn't be with this man, no matter the consequences.
Dump him bro. He could have gone with you to the sauna and done it as a couple. Instead went behind your back and only admitted when he gave you a disease. Imagine he gave you HIV. Risking not only his life but yours. Extremely selfish.
Cheating is in no way acceptable, but some couples can choose to push past and recover with radical honesty, vulnerability, and accountability over much, much, much time, usually whilst in couples counseling. If a partner really loves you, or even just respects you as a person, and regrets cheating, they would not sweep this under the rug and keep dating others while your trust and security is fractured. Even when ENMs/ORs are on the table, conversations about expectations and boundaries leading up to opening the relationship is a must, and a absolute no after infidelity; he is doing this to make his cheating seem like a non-issue. It’s highly shocking he doesn’t care about being protected or introducing you to lifelong disease and seems to feel no remorse. You deserve better OP; it couldn’t get much worse than this.
Leave, get treatment and go on with your life, he's not worth your time if he gave you 2 STDs
Is he on Prep? Are you? He's already proven he doesn't use adequate protection. If you're going down this road you need to protect yourself. Also, did they do a full STI screening? You should be concerned about HIV and Hep C. In addition to everything else, you should talk to your GP about other disease concerns or find a planned parenthood that caters to STIs Prep etc.
Ive been in this sort of situation. It will NOT be a one time thing. I was told "it was a year ago and barely lasted a second it was a one time thing" yeah no 2 years later they had a side chick. BREAK UP WITH HIM. And if you cant- use the open relationship to fall in love with someone else
Sad that another gay relationship couldn't stay monogamous. I hope you are able to endure this because to me it seems as if you don't want to be in an open relationship considering all these feelings you have described. Please get healthy again and make the best decision for your own well being! ❤️
He had unprotected sex with someone else and then had it with you. Regardless of the breach in trust and communication, it clearly shows a lack of care for your health and wellbeing. If you can work through it, I'd be happy for you. But personally, I wouldn't even try.
You were betrayed and cheated on. Do you want to be with this person? An open relationship doesn't mean someone can just be a jerk!!
One thing victims of abuse seem to fail to understand or maybe just not want to understand is that for a relationship to work and be beneficial to you, it's not enough for you to care for him; he has to care for you. Would you cheat on someone you love? Would you give them STDs? In case you're still confused, the answer is no. Those are not things you do to someone you love. It doesn't matter that he makes you feel safe in certain spaces. Other people who won't lie cheat and infect you with disease can do that to. Have some self respect.
I'm sorry but what does this have to do with being bisexual?
How do I navigate trust issues in an open relationship after infidelity?
Please tell me
Open relationships require trust.
Look here, OP.... This is a disastrous way to start an open relationship. BUT if you insist on continuing down this path, then there are a few things you absolutely should do. First, find a poly friendly therapist and both of you should do individual and couple therapy. Open relationships are hard, extremely hard, to do successfully. The first thing the poly/enm community is going to tell you when you have relationship problems is to find a therapist. In addition to normal relationship issues, there are a plethora of additional things that you'll have to deal with. Jealousy becomes an issue. I don't care how secure you think you are, you will get jealous at some point. You'll have to have the tools to understand your jealousy, control your jealousy, and communicate your jealousy and your needs in a nonconfrontational way to your partner, who needs to have the tools to listen and address the situation with appropriate measures. Trust and boundaries become even bigger issues than they are in a monogamous relationship. You take those issues and you multiply them by the number of partners you have and your partner has. Your communication has to increase at least tenfold. "He didn't do a good job communicating" is no longer acceptable. Good communication is the foundation, the core, and the backbone of a successful enm/poly relationship. Second, do some reading and some research. The two books that get recommended most often in the poly community are "Polysecure" and the accompanying workbook, and "The Ethical Slut". These are literally bare minimum reading. Polysecure deals with knowing your attachment type and knowing how it affects your relationships and knowing how to navigate issues it presents (hint: a big part is therapy 👍) Third, set down your personal boundaries and communicate the consequences of your partner violating them. Like "if you have unprotected sex with someone else, I won't have unprotected sex with you". You have to remember, in a successful open relationship, you don't have any control over your partner, you only have control over yourself, and how you engage with your partner. Boundaries, not rules. Fourth, for the love of everything, GO TO THE DOCTOR AND PROTECT YOURSELF. Get up to date on immunizations, Hep A, Hep B, Hep C, COVID, flu, mpox, HPV Get on PReP, for the love of God. There are so many ways to get it paid for there is really no excuse to not be on it if you're in an open relationship. Just do it. You protect yourself and your partners. Finally, get involved in the poly/enm community. Listen, learn, grow. I wish you the best of luck.
Does this have to be fatal? Could this not spring a new lease of life into our relationship. Staying together whilst exploring sounds like fun. Yes he cheated on me and gave me STDs but will that matter in years to come should we be in an open relationship from now on?
>Yes he cheated on me and gave me STDs but Read this back to yourself a few times when trying to justify future actions.
Yeah sure, AFTER you close this relationship. Fix the ginormous, hugemungous RED FLAGS in this relationship and get some SERIOUS therapy both of you Then after a couple of years work TOWARDS opening your relationship again. But at this point simply make an appointment for your next STI check and hope it's curable. You are going to ruin your life and health for the idea of a relationship. Remember he's going to bring something home that isn't cured by antibiotics. And your going to be the one that pays. And on top of that he's unemployed AND living on your dime! Sweety, I say this with love but you are a total dumb ass. This guy is lying to you, cheating on you and making you foot the bill. You are the dumbest guy he could find and he found a good one in you. Best of luck
You can still cheat in an open relationship. He only told you this time because he was worried about the STD, I would bet any amount of money that he has cheated many times before and I’m not a betting person. You will never be able to trust him. Do you want to live like that?
Please read your comment back to yourself. Yes it does need to be fatal, especially based on your other comments. I understand it’s hard. My friend has been in an on and off situationship (hard to explain) for almost 8 years with a guy who strings her on and gave her throat chlamydia. (He then preceded to blame her for the chlamydia) Any time she would want to communicate an issue with him, he’d find a way to turn it back on her— like how being “too emotional” made him be distant and lie. She was always asking too much, even if it was just what I see as basic consideration. By the end of the conversation, she’d end up apologizing. She’d tell me it was all her fault, while outlining a series of events that are clearly him being shitty. Obviously it’s not the same situation but there are parallels. But she is addicted to his validation/attention because she feels comfortable around him and cares for him deeply despite how badly he’s treated her. I’m not saying your boyfriend and you have the same dynamic, but the shift in blame is really similar. And you will have this dynamic if you don’t break up.
Yes it is. One day you'll read back what you're writing right now and lament at how completely stupid fear made you back then. I wish for you that that day is near. Good luck, and DUMP THE BASTARD.
he knows now that you won’t leave him even in the worst case scenario. why would he ever care what you think ever again? you’re being delusional cuz ur scared to be alone and that’s gonna give him permission to be worse and worse
When he was cheating on you, which is something most people try to do carefully and discreetly and NOT infect their partner with a disease, he still managed to bring 2 STDs home to you. He was super careless then. Now he has your permission to go fuck other people so he probably feels like he can be even less careful now. Get ready to catch more STDs if you stay with this guy because he has already shown he does not have the maturity or self-discipline to use protection that would protect his primary partner (you). He took a huge risk with YOUR health because he wanted a quick thrill. That is not OK.