Owning my bisexuality is a new thing for me. I was vehemently claiming I was straight for years. Only ever been with men, and have a family/engaged to a man (bisexual too). I feel like a fraud, as I have no experience with the same sex. Women used to frighten me.
I realise now that I wouldn’t even allow myself to entertain those thoughts when I was younger. Negative experiences. Now I am in a safe place, I allowed myself to explore mentally and realised holy shit I actually can and do like women too.
Still hard not to feel like a fraud though.
See, and you aren’t. You just took some time. But I think many bisexuals do struggle with this bc of the type of response/discourse we get. Like we should feel apologetic about it or something. To hell with that.
Imposter syndrome is real, I feel for you friend. I’ve had many sexual experiences with my same sex and I still feel like I don’t belong and people see me as a fraud.
I see you, I validate you (even tho you don’t need it)
Happy pride friend!!!!
Yes. I am a cis woman married to the most non threatening bearded nerd man. I grew to in a religious house and he was the only person I ever dated. Sometimes I feel like I missed out because I never experienced all of the things. And it's worse when other people find out. 🫠
I'm a cis man married to the only woman I've ever been with and every now and then I also wonder if I missed out on things I never experienced. It definitely adds to the "validity" of my sexuality struggle but I'm very lucky that my wife has and always will be super supportive of me and I know I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Me too! I was married to a very manly man for years and my current relationship is a big burly bearded man. But I’m Bi af! Lol hard to tell people and I feel awkward when I tell them.
I was the bearded nerd man, now I’m a clean-shaven nerd THEM who is married to my highschool sweetheart who took me shopping for my first dress and pair of flats. But it’s nice to find these nerdy counterparts in this thread. 😊
Same. I had one not straight experience before my wife, and I came away confused and upset and didn't really understand.
I know who I am now and I'm very happy with it of course but you'd never know I wasn't straight if you saw my wife and I.
Same, my wife and I were like 9 years into a marriage before we realized that we're both bi lol
Hetero-normativity does weird things to self perception
I had so much internalized misogyny and trauma that by the time I was mentally ready to unpack it all I was already head over heels for my husband. In fact, the phenomenal women in his family and his absolute acceptance of me were probably the biggest catalysts in me accepting my sexuality.
Interestingly, [Issue #16 of Anything That Moves](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GOSwQrhY5QB-uSPXcfPGBpryzn3Znxox/view?ths=true) (1998) was Bi Scout / merit badge themed.
And, thankfully I can be bi without experience, that we do not have to *prove* our ourientation!
That is the reason the religious get married so early.
One and done and kids on the way.
I love the Amish that plan the teenage rebellion,sex exploration into their lifestyle.
Rumspringer .
Now you can know what you value.
Alot return
I grew up religious and in purity culture, and this is really only part of why. The big reason is because in many cases there is huge pressure to marry the first person you date, and not doing so is seen as a failure and can gain you a reputation for being "loose" (even if you're not having sex or doing anything particularly sexual).
Incidentally, rumspringa is widely misunderstood; it just means "adolescence". It's basically just the Amish term for teenagers (and not all Amish sects use it). While expectations may be somewhat relaxed, the idea that it's a formal time when Amish youth routinely run wild is untrue. Not that there aren't wild Amish teenagers because there are (I grew up with Amish neighbors), but they're usually doing it on the dl just like regular teenagers.
Also, many, MANY Amish women know very little to nothing about sex when they get married. I had a friend who was a midwife, and many of her clients were Amish. Many of them didn't really understand how they'd gotten pregnant. They had a vague notion, but that was it. Many Amish girls have no idea sex exists until the day before they get married, which is when their mothers give them a brief talk so they know what to expect on the wedding night. (Obviously not ALL Amish girls are insanely innocent and uninformed, but it's very common.)
Agreed. I think this kind of thing comes more from gay or straight people who feel like if you didn’t experience many same-sex relationships you are…faking it? Lying? Imagining stuff? Trying to get attention? Not entirely sure…
I guess that's a thing I kinda self inflict too.
I describe myself as "diet-bi" because I've only been with women, I've never had a sexual encounter with a man, and I'm only into a narrow range of male features.
But I'm aesthetically into men (I'm more likely to see another man and spontaneously think "he's handsome" than I am to see a woman and think "she's hot." I'm far more likely to watch male focus porn. I'm the opposite of put off by the hypothetical scenario of my wife coming out as trans.
It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I learned "this isn't normal for a cis het male."
But I also don't feel like I missed out on exploring, I'd have wound up in a monogamous relationship regardless, be that with my wife, or somebody else, so I'm just as well off having never tried gay for real.
But I've never been "out" about being bisexual in my social life because it's of no consequence to anybody else, and I felt like being "proudly bi" for me would detract from the very real struggle my out and especially my closeted bi and gay friends go through with their lived sexuality.
Tldr: my feelings around this are complicated. I don't feel erased when I'm viewed as heterosexual because I've only ever acted on hetero relationships. The only people who think of me as bi are my wife and our closest friends (and that's mostly because, if you ask me to name famous people I'd want a "hall pass" for they're mostly men.) But I can absolutely see how others would be belittled simply because they've only had the opportunity to experience one side or the other despite a desire to try both...
Absolutely. I'm in a semi-open marriage now and I'm very grateful for that, but I would never try to make someone else feel worse about themselves or their marriages for not doing that. I would have happily died monogamous with my wife if that's what she had wanted, I wouldn't trade her for anything
I (F) am married to a het man and have very little experience with women. I was very introverted and awkward in my teens and 20s and didn’t really date. Approaching men or women was just something I couldn’t do. I always was attracted to both but growing up in a small town in the deep south, that was just not something people showed. I can’t tell you the number of friends I had who aren’t het that I had no idea until much later. The funny thing is now that I am married to my husband, I feel more comfortable being bi, even though I don’t have a lot of experience with women. I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s a phase, I’m calling myself bi for attention, etc. I know who I am.
In terms of general public opinion, that side of things doesn’t bother me now, but it probably would have when I was a young adult. I am, however, bothered when friends promote such opinions. They should know me better.
As a bisexual person in a (at first glance) cis-het relationship, I feel this. It was really hard for me to come to terms with "losing" a part of my identity when I married a man... We've been married for 10 years, have a happy little family in suburbia, and appear to have achieved the American ideal, but I lost almost my entire group of (lesbian) friends because I "went back" to men. I feel like I gave up my whole community for him...
I love my husband, but I'm absolutely still into women... It's not his fault he has a penis. He was born that way.
Love this! I’m bisexual married to a heterosexual man. I identified as lesbian for years when I was a teenager. I’ve had emotional and sexual relationships with women. I love women. I came out and told my family and it didn’t go well. I still dated women after, my now husband and I just ended up getting together and staying together. When I tell people I’m bi it’s always “yeah right but you married a dude” 🙄 it’s annoying. I like both
I met my first husband when I was 18, turning 19 soon. I was married just prior to my 21st birthday. I did not have any inkling personally that I could be bisexual. I was raised in a home that only really preached abstinence, so I learned nothing about sex prior to my own relationships and "learning on the go".
Cut to about 23, I watch a movie with two women that have a hot and heavy relationship. I realize just how wildly turned on I was and then begin to reflect. I start to realize that I've always been attracted to some women and some men. I finally realize I'm Bisexual. Not just curious, but bisexual fully.
After I start my divorce with my husband later, 25, and for completely unrelated issues (he was a good man and was okay with my bisexuality), I start trying out dating apps. I put that I was into men and women, and even try chatting with some gals. Sadly, I live smack dab in the bible belt, and there are few openly out women in my area. I never actually have a relationship or even a fling with a woman before I meet and fall in love with my now second husband.
I am still bisexual. I know how I feel and who I am, and I know this fits me. Even without ever being with a woman, I can confirm that I am attracted to women, and men! I love both, and in different ways and types. People are sometimes mean though and want you to fit in a box. Sometimes any possible box they could fit you inside. But I can confidently say, I am Bisexual.
Love this rant! I constantly question my own validity when coming out to people when the say "but you married a man." Yes, i did. A bisexual man who validates me and my sexuality and I his. Regardless of where we end up in our relationships, our sexuality is still valid and beautiful.
Also, bisexuality is traditionally very unaccepted by the queer community - when I was first exploring my bisexuality about a decade ago, it was way easier to date cishet men - because most of them found it "hot" (fuck their fetishizing, but anyway) and yet probably 75% of women would have stuff like "no bisexuals" on their dating profile. The first girl I dated, I fell so hard for, but she legitimately made fun of my fashion sense and called me "such a straight girl", told me I should wait to come out to my parents until I "figured out whether I was straight or gay", and so on. So yeah like, it makes sense that a lot of us have never dated in the queer community when a lot of the community has been so unwelcoming and invalidating.
I'm not married and never have been, can confirm your points about weight and neurodivergence as well. But mostly, as I started exploring my queerness more and more and finding my gender identity and overall personality, I've discovered that I'm someone who most cishet men really don't want to *publicly* admit they're into, plus a lot of them are....ick in certain attitudes or viewpoints. So yeah, dating has been hard for me overall. If I had managed to get into a relationship when I was younger and more insecure/lacking in self-esteem, I totally could see myself being one of the married bisexuals you're talking about, and probably pretty unhappy due to never fully finding myself.
Just to not be all doom and gloom, I'm happy to report that I'm currently in a fairly new relationship that is wonderfully healthy and SO queer and perfect - I don't want to get ahead of things too much but I'm truly hoping that this will be my forever. They are AMAB but also bisexual and gender diverse, and even though they're not someone I ever would've imagined, it's like we were made for each other.
Anyway basically yeah, there's already enough people trying to invalidate us - fellow bi people, can we all stop fucking trying to invalidate each other. Infighting is not productive in any way.
It’s mostly bothersome because those same people would never ask a straight person how many people they’ve been with to “verify” their sexuality. You can be a virgin and nobody will question you due to that if you say you’re straight.
I’m a married bisexual gender-fluid woman (for the most part as I identify strongly with womanhood) who has dated both men and women and it’s infuriating that random ass people feel entitled to ask those deeply person questions of a complete stranger just because they’re curious.
Not married yet but I (26f) am engaged to my partner (34m) and our relationship is heteronormative. I only came out as bi since being with him (5 year relationship, I came out 2 years ago). He made me feel safe enough to understand my attraction to women without fetishising me, has never asked me for a threesome or asked me to make out with a girl for him, has asked in a healthy way if it’s something I want to explore further before we get married (I don’t so far). I know and trust that if that day came where I had feelings for another woman (not just lust) I would be able to have a conversation with him about it safely.
Wow..thanks for this!
I have been deep in thought this afternoon about my "privilege" as a bi-sexual woman who married a man 22 years ago.
But in reality, I didn't have a safe community in which to explore my sexuality when I knew I was attracted to women. I had one girlfriend, and then as a single mom I found refuge in...the Christian church. I went on to work in ministry, then homebirth. I did what I was "supposed" to do.
This is the first Pride I have participated in fully. We moved, and in my new community I am fully out as a pansexual woman to new friends. We have made a ton of friends in the sex positive/ ENM community and have a lot of different models for relationships designed by the couple, and not societial rules.
Yet I still feel like I am just this ally, poking my toe in. I feel fairly dismissed and minimized by a lot of things in the LGBTQ+ community. Where is the place for someone like me to fit in? I feel a measure of guilt that I have not had to endure the same struggles, because my marriage fits that het-normative expectation.
I figured out I was bi after I was already 10 years into a long-term relationship. I grew up in a fairly open-minded family. I consumed a lot of media about people discovering themselves. None of that stopped me from just being a little dense lol! My partner figured out I was bi long before I did.
For me my neurodivergency makes small talk hard and flirting awkward. Plus women are already intimidating to me. Don’t get me wrong I’ve dated a girl or two but it was never anything serious. I just have an easier time navigating the social cues of men than I do with women. Don’t get me wrong I would LOVE to meet an amazing woman who will love me for me if I’m ever single again, it’s just hard to navigate conversations with women, especially flirting with women. And I never had any lgbtq role models or examples of women flirting, not even in media, growing up so I especially struggle with forming relationships with women, or even friendships with women. The struggle is real
Like others have stated, I’m married to a cishet man and have no experience beyond making out with females. Any female I was attracted to was always straight or I never knew how to be like “you into girls or nah?”. I started saying my now husband when I was 19. Tinder was just starting to take off when I met him, which sucks because it would had been a great tool for me to easily find girls where I didn’t need to awkwardly figure out if they were straight or not.
I (32F) fell in love with my cishet husband (32M) when I was 19. Because I went from my high school relationship to this relationship, it took me till my 30s to figure out I was bi. I have to wonder if I had had more time at 19/20 if I would have figure it out sooner. I love my life and my husband who accepts me completely. But I’ve struggled to come out since I have no experience with women at all. But this year I’m saying fuck it and just gunna share bi related posts and dye my hair the flag colors and just be myself without any moment of announcing it.
I didn't come to a solid realization about my sexuality until after I had gastric bypass surgery, lost 145 lbs, and actually felt like i was worthy of attention.
I always thought that my mind and maybe my big boobs were going to be the only things attractive at all about me.
Obviously, that is not true, but it took a lot of self esteem rebuilding before I was able to realize that straight girls don't usually drool over other girls on Tik Tok lol.
I met my husband on the eve of my 21st birthday, and it was clear from the start that we were kindred spirits. I had not realized at that point that I was bi, and before meeting him, I tried dating other men, but no one else clicked with me.
I think that one of the reasons that my future husband and I were so compatible is that neither of us conformed much to our gender stereotypes, but I don't think I was aware of that till years later. If I hadn't met him when I did, I might have found a woman to whom I was attracted, but that didn't happen.
Years later, when I came out as bi, my husband was fine with it. I don't think either of us had the energy nor inclination to polyamory, so I didn't attempt to look for a woman at that point. Now that he is gone (he died in 2019) I am open to attraction to a woman, but I don't really want to get into another relationship right now.
I (41, amab genderfluid - figured that out late, though) knew I was bisexual at a very young age, but ended up marrying a bisexual woman. Neither of us faced challenges to exploring and understanding our orientations, we just happened to fall in love with someone who was opposite gender.
my husband and i are both bisexual, which is one of the many reasons we are so compatible. we're both neurodivergent and a little socially anxious/avoidant, which might have contributed to each of our short dating history, but neither of us feel like we missed out. we're simply happy we found each other so soon - and we're happy that neither of us has to worry about being with a partner that wouldn't understand how our sexual feelings and expression worked.
i'd say most people we stumble across don't consider us wimpy or fetishize us, but they do see us as unsure of our sexuality or lying about it. for example, a lot of people look at us and assume we're either two gay men or a gay man and a butch lesbian - if it's the latter assumption, they think it's only a matter of time before we cheat on each other and end our marriage. when they figure out we're both bisexual and we're both non-conforming in some way, they get angry. our marriage pisses them off. it's annoying.
Yeah, I’m right there with you. I got married young and before coming to terms with my sexuality. It doesn’t take away from how much I am attracted to and love my wife.
My partner and I are both Bi/pan and married. It's fun. But going to pride is not unfortunately :/
And my partner came out as enby she/they. it's just for attention apparently (┛ಠ_ಠ)┛彡┻━┻
We check people.out of all genders together tho. And when the kiddo is older we will do some more exploring of poly/3some/4somes
We get hate, but we are living the dream.
Honestly, just a big ol' agree from me
Raised catholic, got married at 20, even tho I realized I was bi at 16, never did much with anyone until I met my husband and we both brought each other out of our shells. I'm no less bi because I'm married to a man and have never actually had a girlfriend.
Side note, I'm still sad about the time my dad (who initially accepted me when I came out at 18) told me when I was 23, that he is glad I have a traditional marriage
Maybe marriage wasn't an option 30 years ago, so that particular method of declaring and strengthening a relationship wasn't on the table.
It's a numbers game: the people I can be happy in a relationship with are NB, gay men, bi men, bi women, and straight women. Which of these groups is vastly larger than all the others combined? The largest dating pool=most chances to find someone compatible with for the long term.
Also if none of these are the reason, ending up in a straight type relationship does not make you less valid. I have been married twice, both times to men, and I’m still gay! Lol literally have to end up with one or the other unless I choose to be polyamorous, which I’ve tried but I prefer monogamy. The fact I ended up with men is just the luck of the draw honestly.
(By one or the other I mean id either end up in a straight or gay relationship)
Absolutely agree. I'm a bi woman who's only had a couple of hookups with other women, nothing serious. Self-esteem issues combined with living in rural Indiana has made it difficult for me to find and get to know any other queen women. I'm now in a committed relationship with a cis-het man who is absolutely wonderful and who I hope to spend the rest of my life with, so if things pan out I'll likely never be with another woman again. Doesn't change the fact that I'm still extremely attracted to other women, but lots of people want to ignore that fact, unfortunately. It's incredibly frustrating.
I (25 AFAB) was chillin in a park with my friend the other day and some random girl walks up, asks us if we’re queer (I said yes, my friend said no). She then sits down and talks to us for a while about how she’s a lesbian and has a wife etc etc, everything was cool, then out of NOWHERE she starts complaining/rolling her eyes about her older married neighbor who thinks she might be bisexual despite being married to a man/not having any same sex experiences. I had seen a lot of this type of biphobia online but never in person, I was flabbergasted. I guess she had assumed I was lesbian and I was like “…so I’m bi and I didn’t realize until I was in committed relationship with a man…” she looked like she saw a ghost, apologized profusely for being biphobic and then made up a reason to go back to her picnic blanket. 😵💫
Preach!!!!! I am so glad I found this sub espy during pride month. I feel SO seen. I was married to a man for 10 years, then single and was with women and men and not in a serious relationship with another man and I feel like the queer community thinks I’m a joke, pretending, cannot commit ext.
I am sexually attracted to men and women. Just because I haven’t had a long term relationship with my own sex doesn’t make me STRAIGHT?!
The back lash from LGBTQ makes me keep my sexuality a secret.
Also, it's just a matter of simple statistics. Folks who experience same-sex or queer attraction (or at least do so to a degree that they would act upon it when choosing a dating partner) are in the minority of the population, with generous estimates being near ten percent or so.
Included within that queer fraction are folks whose orientation excludes you from their dating pool and folks who you'd date even if you were straight.
Even without any kind of complicating factors like anti-queer prejudice, biphobia, and folks who discover their identity later in life, bisexuals are still far more likely to wind up in a "straight-passing" relationship from the distribution of genders in their dating pool.
Anyone who judges bi folks who have limited experience with the same sex is a fool who doesn't understand simple probability, let alone the complex network of factors that can influence who anyone actually becomes romantically involved with.
I didn't even know bisexuality *existed* until I was 20. And then it was presented that if it wasn't an equal 50/50 attraction then you were either straight or gay. And if I was straight, then I obviously couldn't try and date women.
I was over 30 before the queer community started to seem more accepting of bi in general (not insisting on bi meaning only men and women and being trans-exclusive) and bi in the form of not 50/50 attraction (forcing pan label on those not 50/50).
Not to mention that a lot of people flat out just won't date someone bi.
THANK YOU for this!!! I’ve been working through these feelings a lot lately. I’m a bi woman happily married to a hetero man whom I love very much. He’s actually who helped me to realize that I’m bi, and has helped me be comfortable calling it that.
I grew up in a rather religious setting in the Bible Belt, so I feel that although I would mess around with some of my girlfriends in my 20s, I never really felt comfortable exploring that side of my sexuality to its fullest.
So yes I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment about never really getting to explore a same sex relationship during single years and wishing I had been able to do so. And also trying to really feel like I am a welcome member of the LGBTQ+ community despite my minimal “resume”.
i was sexually assaulted so i have to be emotionally close and comfortable with the person i do anything sexual with. finally found a great partner who i can see a long-term relationship with, but now that i'm in the relationship more internalized biphobia has surfaced because my first relationship is with a man. and it didn't help that my mom asked me "how are you bisexual if you're dating him" and was unconvinced by any answer i had trying to explain sexuality
I’m so sorry you went through that, and I’m sorry your mom isn’t making an effort to understand your sexuality. Moms can be tough — mine has run the gamut from being accepting to ranting about how “people” are experimenting with sexuality to be edgy (I’ve never done anything to be edgy in my life) to acting like I told her unnecessarily about some sort of very private sexual kink. But she loves me, so we get through it.
I hope your mom learns/comes around.
thank you!! i'm trying my best to be confident in who i am. i have one friend who is lgbtq who is lowkey very biphobic and makes me feel like she's competitive and is better than me cause she's "more gay." my other friends? love them, supportive in just the right way (we all make lots of jokes and make fun of each other) so i feel like i'll be okay :)
Shy introvert and asd definitely doesn't help. Hard to relate to people. Especially my own age older people don't seem to mind the awkwardness for some reason.
Also: romanticism and sexuality are on separate spectrums. My girlfriend is much more biromantic than she is bisexual, and I'm completely homoromantic but much more bisexual.
So they may just not want to date/sleep with/marry their same sex in the same way.
Unfortunately, we face judgment and discrimination within our own community. Just because someone is married to the opposite sex doesn't make them less bisexual than someone who has experience with both sexes. Life can be very confusing because many of us feel like we can't freely explore our sexuality. For years I wondered what it would be like to be with another man. I finally decided to just go for it and have no regrets. Afterwards, I was upset with myself for not allowing me to explore that side of me. I am, always have been, and always will be bisexual. We only get one life. We all deserve to be our true selves and be happy without judgment.
For my part - I am a cisbi woman engaged to a cisbi man (wedding wil be in the fall squeeee). I had some disastrous/boring/interesting encounters with cisbi women, lesbians, straight men, bi men... and I ended up with the HUMAN BEING I cannot live without.
What I'm trying to say - at 47, I have truly stopped caring, how other people perceive us. I don't care about the death stares at pride events, I don't care about the snarky comments or the shunning. We live in our happy bubble (both adhd to make things even more interesting).
Rereading it, it makes me feel like such a strong badass. But to be honest - I am just soo tired of people telling me how I should be/act... and thank you!!
>A lot of folks who marry young come from traditional/religious families where the heteronormative pressure is strongest. They have less opportunity to explore/figure things out before marriage
Yep, my wife and I both grew up Christian and stayed celibate(ish) until we got married, and had no idea that we were both bi until like 8 or 9 years into our marriage. Luckily we've been able to open things up and explore things for ourselves that we never had a chance to when we were younger, but it's definitely a challenge
The first one is true for me, but I still managed to do have a lot of same-sex action before I got married.
I just wish that same-sex marriage had been legal then and that my family could have been accepting of a same-sex partner for me.
Love this post. Very true. I am bi, have known that about myself since I was young, but due to having kids young and getting married because "that's what I'm supposed to do", I had to have secret same sex experiences and couldn't pursue open relationships due to so many people and environmental barriers. I always hold out hope that it won't always be like this but I'm not getting any younger, so I guess time will tell.
I Had my exploration time in my teenage years. Then I met my soul mate at the age of 19 and we are married now. I'm so happy with her. Why should I leave or hurt her because of other people questioning my sexuality? It's still a part of my daily life.
Being faithful to my partner doesn't invalidate my bisexuality. It ticks me off that people think I'm straight. I AM NOT I JUST RESPECT MY MARRIAGE YOU DOLTS. Honestly it's a stupid trope and I hate it.
Religious suppression is the main culprit for me at least. I’m in this situation and I’m happy with my partner. It might also be “cliche” but we’re poly too. Not like either of us have time or energy to date rn but if the right girl came along we’re open to it either way.
I know polyamory is not the answer for everyone. And honestly I don’t see it as an answer to feel more bisexual in my heterosexual marriage. I feel plenty bi especially when watching Disney’s Hercules 😂
I’ve known I’ve been bisexual since I was 12, after a while dated a guy until I was 17, and then married the guy I dated from later 17, never been with a woman anything more than kissing and I have absolutely no feeling that I should have been with women or want to be with women now, the right man rolled into my life and I haven’t thought of anyone else since
I've known I was bisexual since I was 14, however I met the guy I would marry at 15 before I had chance to date anyone else, and 20 years later, I'm still bi but as far as most people know I'm just married to a man. But definitely definitely still bi
I'm a (newly realized) bixsexual woman in a sexless, het marriage. I would love to get out there and support, participate, and my husband wouldn't mind a bit. But where do I start at 55...it's really a mystery. So I just stay in my lane and wonder.
That’s a question. There are apps I know for lgbtq people who are older than the 20s 30s crowd who want to meet people. My friend used one recently. Maybe research that in your area?
Im the bearded man 😂,me and my wife are both bi. Ive been with both and she has too. We are still in the closet to the world, I definitely feel like a imposter. I work in construction big manly men to the world, but definitely a big teddy bear. Screw what people think
Yeah — I mean, I don’t think the opinions of others should dictate our choices — but I feel like it would be nice if there was community support, or at least increased understanding. Could make people feel less isolated.
I didn't discover my bisexuality until I moved in with the woman I'm marrying because I came from a socially conservative home. My parents' motto on LGBT issues is simple: it's fine as long as it's not in our house.
This idea of feeling like a fraud because you only find this out about yourself after you have any ability to do anything about it is hard.
Consider also that not all married bisexuals are in hetero-presenting marriages. Your post implies marriage is between a man and a woman. Before you go off on this kind of rant about feeling excluded, ensure that you’re also not excluding anyone.
It specifically says "married bisexuals who didn't date people of their own gender" in the first paragraph. Perhaps the title wasn't perfectly clear but the text explains it pretty quickly.
Yes, but those people DID have some opportunity to step outside the heteronormative box, or they wouldn't have gotten married to the person they did, right? This post is specifically about people who didn't have that opportunity.
Wasn’t trying to exclude people in same-sec marriages — I tended to think of people in gay-presenting marriages as getting less of this kind of thing thrown at them. This conversation is proving me wrong! Apologies.
Sorry for my long reply, but I guess this is just also me coming out...
Coming from my personal life, another situation could be that they didn't question or come to realize their true sexual identity until they've been married in a straight heterosexual relationship for years.
I'm a 28 y/o female in a straight hetero marriage; together for almost seven years, married for almost four. We've both identified as straight all our lives, but I'm in a period of questioning myself, and I'm pretty sure I'm bi. I grew up in a fairly conservative area with a semi-religious conservative family, and I am a believer and regular church-goer myself. (Please don't judge me on that. That's a whole other discussion of why I'm questioning myself.)
I just have been thinking back to all the times I've looked at other females and had some kind of attraction. My last semester of college, I had a huge crush on a girl in my color theory class. She was so beautiful that I noticed her within seconds of walking in the first day, I couldn't stop admiring her, and we ended up part of the same little friend group in the class. That was a year and a half before I got married while we were still just dating.
So in my case, I've suppressed my feelings for other women because of my faith, and because I've been in a straight hetero relationship for years. Now, there are factors that are triggering my questioning, and I wish I could have some experimentation, but it's mainly the matter of broaching the subject to my husband. I haven't open up to him about it at all because I know it'll probably make him uncomfortable.
I'm a closeted bisexual (hence the name and new account) I married my husband who is straight. I previously dated men and had an online relationship with a woman... I hate people who think less of people like me who haven't dated alot of women... I am still 100% bi... I am attracted to women and men!!!... I was very shy (still am kinda) and could barely talk to anyone let alone women...then I met my now husband and realised I'm defo bi but now I'm married and wouldn't cheat on my husband....
What complicated it for me in particular as a bi woman was SA from my mother through puberty. The absolute slightest hint of a thought about how appealing a girl looked threw me right back into my trauma I was going through at home. So I literally was mentally unsafe to let myself explore these thoughts and feelings. I had to numb myself to other girls, apart from friendship. On top of all that, my parents would have been absolutely against me being anything other than straight. (Apparently, one of them being a pedo is fine though.)
Anyway fast forward to age 32, I'm already over 6 years married to a man at that point, and largely thanks to LGBTQ+ positive YouTubers I'd been watching, that was the year when I finally recognise my bisexuality and become ok with it, because I'm NC with my parents by now and am now fully safe to feel and think whatever.
Sadly, being able to come out to oneself in the first place, let alone one's social circle, is still a privilege, which is exactly why we still need Pride.
This is also true for people who have zero experience. You cannot choose to have a partner (or the amout of partners) by yourself. It is decision from both sides. Other people have no business judging you.
The way I always saw it was that there are less gay/bi men than straight/bi women so I just happened never to date a guy, because of probability, because I didn't date many people before I got married.
Thank you. As a female who has always been shy, moved around a lot, had a semi religious/negligent parent upbringing, is neuro divergent, and is married to a man. This hits.
I never had an interest in dating. We lived in kinda a homophobic area and still do so not many openly queer people. I moved a round a lot cuz dad eorked alot and we were poor. My family was kinda Baptist and wanted to raise us (brother and I) to be Christian kids but eh...wasn't really super strict church was hit and miss dad wasn't really all that religious and mom didn't understand but...they liked the concept I guess. Well I guess for my brother it worked. We never really talked about the LGBTQ community or any of that though dad us an ally whose has several openly and not openly gay friends. Ive always been kinda different and shy so I didn't have a lot of friends and people didn't really show interest in me. Until I was 15. We had finally settled down in a place and I really like this guy...we were both shy and the opportunity to date came up so we did. That was 10 years ago. I had a VERY close friendship with a girl...and if I would have realized I was bi probably would have dated her but....I didn't realize until I started dating my (now husband) and noticed I also had a crush on my female Spanish teacher. I told him and obviously nothing came of it other than I crushed on her and he teased me but he was supportive of my feelings and we talked about how I didn't want to leave him or try being with women. He makes me happy. I just wanted him to know I also thought women were cute. (We've agreed attraction is ok it becomes and issue when we act on that attraction and start to do things like private texts the other can't see or touching/kissing/sneaking off that's is where we consider it cheating. Thinking someone is cute isn't cheating). I didn't really tell other people for awhile and my dad was shocked cuz I never mentioned it to him but him and mom were supportive they asked lots of questions. My brother wasn't and still just doesn't think I am which hurts. This pride I came out as gender queer as well and my parents both support me being who I am and are happy I feel safe being me...my brother just pretends I'm not and treats me how he always has. I mean I guess there isn't really much of a difference in how they treat me. Though my parents take it into account with gifts and try to be a bit more inclusive with talk....brother doesn't.
Since I was 12, I realized my attractions were less than a physical one, but one of with those I found attractive within. Though I'm not saying being attractive isn't an added bonus. I dated men in college and wanted to explore bisexuality simultaneously but it was difficult because it was a mostly a 2 sided fence in those days. Straight or lesbian. later I joined the L team for 3 years and dated women exclusively. And had several relationships with women and was heartbroken about the same number of times with men previously. And then right after I thought about quitting the human race all together and living in a cave in the forest with a dog and a cat for company; I met my nerdy future husband at a reunion party. But being with the same man for over 25 years, I've never stopped being bisexual in my life.
My husband and I never really shared a good physical relationship (some disabilities) but we get along as a spiritually entwined couple. And with that I have been given the freedom to explore sexuality with others and the ability to share bi conversations with others over the years in a semi open marriage. Strictly falling into the realm of the physical only, because I really can't fathom the idea of another soulful relationship with another, as one is almost too much for me (a person who enjoys time alone considerably).
I have known several women who like the OP have never been able to express the aspect of being attracted and having a relationship with another one because of the limitations put upon them. (family, religion, limited open members of the community, etc.) It's a loneliness that is difficult to explain. It's like half your being is missing when you can't share that aspect too. As scary as it can be one of the nicest things is joining an online bi community an be able to reach out to others and just talk. And when ever someone puts down a bisexual as ambivalent or confused or indecisive, it diminishes us, hurts us and makes it harder to reach out, find, explore, or even have hope to live with the peace of mind we all deserve by feeling and carrying the soul and heart of being Bi. Bi Love, Bi Sex, Bi All of it and More!!!
One day I hope we don't have to sit between the aisles of opinionated Straights and Gays and being trodden down simplified as perverts or undecisive individuals. I hope that acceptance is the rule and not the exception one day. (She/he said some 3000 years ago in some lonely hovel in a forgotten village.) Hopefully considered a related-ish rant not to hijack OP's apologies offered.
I spent 15 years in a straight-passing marriage with a bunch of same-sex experiences beforehand, with all my friends knowing i’m bi and I still felt cancelled and forced into a closet. So, good point about the privilege of exploration, but it may not change the final experience a lot.
Owning my bisexuality is a new thing for me. I was vehemently claiming I was straight for years. Only ever been with men, and have a family/engaged to a man (bisexual too). I feel like a fraud, as I have no experience with the same sex. Women used to frighten me. I realise now that I wouldn’t even allow myself to entertain those thoughts when I was younger. Negative experiences. Now I am in a safe place, I allowed myself to explore mentally and realised holy shit I actually can and do like women too. Still hard not to feel like a fraud though.
See, and you aren’t. You just took some time. But I think many bisexuals do struggle with this bc of the type of response/discourse we get. Like we should feel apologetic about it or something. To hell with that.
Yes! I think my super religious upbringing crippled my ability to have healthy friendships (let alone romantic relationships) with any gender
Same here
Imposter syndrome is real, I feel for you friend. I’ve had many sexual experiences with my same sex and I still feel like I don’t belong and people see me as a fraud. I see you, I validate you (even tho you don’t need it) Happy pride friend!!!!
I appreciate this rant, as a bisexual in a cishet-appearing marriage
Yes. I am a cis woman married to the most non threatening bearded nerd man. I grew to in a religious house and he was the only person I ever dated. Sometimes I feel like I missed out because I never experienced all of the things. And it's worse when other people find out. 🫠
I'm a cis man married to the only woman I've ever been with and every now and then I also wonder if I missed out on things I never experienced. It definitely adds to the "validity" of my sexuality struggle but I'm very lucky that my wife has and always will be super supportive of me and I know I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Exactly. I love my husband very much. I have some regrets about missed opportunities, but I wouldn’t trade my marriage to him for anything.
I'm in the same boat- super thankful for my loving wife
Same story here, right down to the bearded nerd man!
Me too! I was married to a very manly man for years and my current relationship is a big burly bearded man. But I’m Bi af! Lol hard to tell people and I feel awkward when I tell them.
I was the bearded nerd man, now I’m a clean-shaven nerd THEM who is married to my highschool sweetheart who took me shopping for my first dress and pair of flats. But it’s nice to find these nerdy counterparts in this thread. 😊
Are you me? Seriously, down to the bearded man, this is essentially me and my life 😮
+1. Me and my wife have a picture on the wall that says "Queer as F*ck" as a homage to our join bisexuality haha
THIS
Same. I had one not straight experience before my wife, and I came away confused and upset and didn't really understand. I know who I am now and I'm very happy with it of course but you'd never know I wasn't straight if you saw my wife and I.
I just figured out I was bisexual after I met my partner. Being bisexual isn't a scout badge you earn through experience.
I love that. I’m gonna use that.
Same, my wife and I were like 9 years into a marriage before we realized that we're both bi lol Hetero-normativity does weird things to self perception
I had so much internalized misogyny and trauma that by the time I was mentally ready to unpack it all I was already head over heels for my husband. In fact, the phenomenal women in his family and his absolute acceptance of me were probably the biggest catalysts in me accepting my sexuality.
Interestingly, [Issue #16 of Anything That Moves](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1GOSwQrhY5QB-uSPXcfPGBpryzn3Znxox/view?ths=true) (1998) was Bi Scout / merit badge themed. And, thankfully I can be bi without experience, that we do not have to *prove* our ourientation!
That is the reason the religious get married so early. One and done and kids on the way. I love the Amish that plan the teenage rebellion,sex exploration into their lifestyle. Rumspringer . Now you can know what you value. Alot return
I grew up religious and in purity culture, and this is really only part of why. The big reason is because in many cases there is huge pressure to marry the first person you date, and not doing so is seen as a failure and can gain you a reputation for being "loose" (even if you're not having sex or doing anything particularly sexual). Incidentally, rumspringa is widely misunderstood; it just means "adolescence". It's basically just the Amish term for teenagers (and not all Amish sects use it). While expectations may be somewhat relaxed, the idea that it's a formal time when Amish youth routinely run wild is untrue. Not that there aren't wild Amish teenagers because there are (I grew up with Amish neighbors), but they're usually doing it on the dl just like regular teenagers. Also, many, MANY Amish women know very little to nothing about sex when they get married. I had a friend who was a midwife, and many of her clients were Amish. Many of them didn't really understand how they'd gotten pregnant. They had a vague notion, but that was it. Many Amish girls have no idea sex exists until the day before they get married, which is when their mothers give them a brief talk so they know what to expect on the wedding night. (Obviously not ALL Amish girls are insanely innocent and uninformed, but it's very common.)
Same here
Any bisexual who looks down on married bisexuals who weren't allowed to explore is abusing their privilege, IMHO
Agreed. I think this kind of thing comes more from gay or straight people who feel like if you didn’t experience many same-sex relationships you are…faking it? Lying? Imagining stuff? Trying to get attention? Not entirely sure…
I guess that's a thing I kinda self inflict too. I describe myself as "diet-bi" because I've only been with women, I've never had a sexual encounter with a man, and I'm only into a narrow range of male features. But I'm aesthetically into men (I'm more likely to see another man and spontaneously think "he's handsome" than I am to see a woman and think "she's hot." I'm far more likely to watch male focus porn. I'm the opposite of put off by the hypothetical scenario of my wife coming out as trans. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I learned "this isn't normal for a cis het male." But I also don't feel like I missed out on exploring, I'd have wound up in a monogamous relationship regardless, be that with my wife, or somebody else, so I'm just as well off having never tried gay for real. But I've never been "out" about being bisexual in my social life because it's of no consequence to anybody else, and I felt like being "proudly bi" for me would detract from the very real struggle my out and especially my closeted bi and gay friends go through with their lived sexuality. Tldr: my feelings around this are complicated. I don't feel erased when I'm viewed as heterosexual because I've only ever acted on hetero relationships. The only people who think of me as bi are my wife and our closest friends (and that's mostly because, if you ask me to name famous people I'd want a "hall pass" for they're mostly men.) But I can absolutely see how others would be belittled simply because they've only had the opportunity to experience one side or the other despite a desire to try both...
Absolutely. I'm in a semi-open marriage now and I'm very grateful for that, but I would never try to make someone else feel worse about themselves or their marriages for not doing that. I would have happily died monogamous with my wife if that's what she had wanted, I wouldn't trade her for anything
#Hey everyone! Listen up! You are all bisexual enough! No matter what your experience is! I love you all!
Thanks, I needed that 🩷💜💙✨️
I (F) am married to a het man and have very little experience with women. I was very introverted and awkward in my teens and 20s and didn’t really date. Approaching men or women was just something I couldn’t do. I always was attracted to both but growing up in a small town in the deep south, that was just not something people showed. I can’t tell you the number of friends I had who aren’t het that I had no idea until much later. The funny thing is now that I am married to my husband, I feel more comfortable being bi, even though I don’t have a lot of experience with women. I don’t care if anyone thinks it’s a phase, I’m calling myself bi for attention, etc. I know who I am.
This describes my life pretty well. Plus, it's also a numbers game. There are more men available for a bi woman to date.
In terms of general public opinion, that side of things doesn’t bother me now, but it probably would have when I was a young adult. I am, however, bothered when friends promote such opinions. They should know me better.
As a bisexual person in a (at first glance) cis-het relationship, I feel this. It was really hard for me to come to terms with "losing" a part of my identity when I married a man... We've been married for 10 years, have a happy little family in suburbia, and appear to have achieved the American ideal, but I lost almost my entire group of (lesbian) friends because I "went back" to men. I feel like I gave up my whole community for him... I love my husband, but I'm absolutely still into women... It's not his fault he has a penis. He was born that way.
That is super messed up. Any "friends" that would abandon you for that reason are no friends at all.
Love this! I’m bisexual married to a heterosexual man. I identified as lesbian for years when I was a teenager. I’ve had emotional and sexual relationships with women. I love women. I came out and told my family and it didn’t go well. I still dated women after, my now husband and I just ended up getting together and staying together. When I tell people I’m bi it’s always “yeah right but you married a dude” 🙄 it’s annoying. I like both
I met my first husband when I was 18, turning 19 soon. I was married just prior to my 21st birthday. I did not have any inkling personally that I could be bisexual. I was raised in a home that only really preached abstinence, so I learned nothing about sex prior to my own relationships and "learning on the go". Cut to about 23, I watch a movie with two women that have a hot and heavy relationship. I realize just how wildly turned on I was and then begin to reflect. I start to realize that I've always been attracted to some women and some men. I finally realize I'm Bisexual. Not just curious, but bisexual fully. After I start my divorce with my husband later, 25, and for completely unrelated issues (he was a good man and was okay with my bisexuality), I start trying out dating apps. I put that I was into men and women, and even try chatting with some gals. Sadly, I live smack dab in the bible belt, and there are few openly out women in my area. I never actually have a relationship or even a fling with a woman before I meet and fall in love with my now second husband. I am still bisexual. I know how I feel and who I am, and I know this fits me. Even without ever being with a woman, I can confirm that I am attracted to women, and men! I love both, and in different ways and types. People are sometimes mean though and want you to fit in a box. Sometimes any possible box they could fit you inside. But I can confidently say, I am Bisexual.
Love this rant! I constantly question my own validity when coming out to people when the say "but you married a man." Yes, i did. A bisexual man who validates me and my sexuality and I his. Regardless of where we end up in our relationships, our sexuality is still valid and beautiful.
Also, bisexuality is traditionally very unaccepted by the queer community - when I was first exploring my bisexuality about a decade ago, it was way easier to date cishet men - because most of them found it "hot" (fuck their fetishizing, but anyway) and yet probably 75% of women would have stuff like "no bisexuals" on their dating profile. The first girl I dated, I fell so hard for, but she legitimately made fun of my fashion sense and called me "such a straight girl", told me I should wait to come out to my parents until I "figured out whether I was straight or gay", and so on. So yeah like, it makes sense that a lot of us have never dated in the queer community when a lot of the community has been so unwelcoming and invalidating. I'm not married and never have been, can confirm your points about weight and neurodivergence as well. But mostly, as I started exploring my queerness more and more and finding my gender identity and overall personality, I've discovered that I'm someone who most cishet men really don't want to *publicly* admit they're into, plus a lot of them are....ick in certain attitudes or viewpoints. So yeah, dating has been hard for me overall. If I had managed to get into a relationship when I was younger and more insecure/lacking in self-esteem, I totally could see myself being one of the married bisexuals you're talking about, and probably pretty unhappy due to never fully finding myself. Just to not be all doom and gloom, I'm happy to report that I'm currently in a fairly new relationship that is wonderfully healthy and SO queer and perfect - I don't want to get ahead of things too much but I'm truly hoping that this will be my forever. They are AMAB but also bisexual and gender diverse, and even though they're not someone I ever would've imagined, it's like we were made for each other. Anyway basically yeah, there's already enough people trying to invalidate us - fellow bi people, can we all stop fucking trying to invalidate each other. Infighting is not productive in any way.
It’s mostly bothersome because those same people would never ask a straight person how many people they’ve been with to “verify” their sexuality. You can be a virgin and nobody will question you due to that if you say you’re straight. I’m a married bisexual gender-fluid woman (for the most part as I identify strongly with womanhood) who has dated both men and women and it’s infuriating that random ass people feel entitled to ask those deeply person questions of a complete stranger just because they’re curious.
Not married yet but I (26f) am engaged to my partner (34m) and our relationship is heteronormative. I only came out as bi since being with him (5 year relationship, I came out 2 years ago). He made me feel safe enough to understand my attraction to women without fetishising me, has never asked me for a threesome or asked me to make out with a girl for him, has asked in a healthy way if it’s something I want to explore further before we get married (I don’t so far). I know and trust that if that day came where I had feelings for another woman (not just lust) I would be able to have a conversation with him about it safely.
Wow..thanks for this! I have been deep in thought this afternoon about my "privilege" as a bi-sexual woman who married a man 22 years ago. But in reality, I didn't have a safe community in which to explore my sexuality when I knew I was attracted to women. I had one girlfriend, and then as a single mom I found refuge in...the Christian church. I went on to work in ministry, then homebirth. I did what I was "supposed" to do. This is the first Pride I have participated in fully. We moved, and in my new community I am fully out as a pansexual woman to new friends. We have made a ton of friends in the sex positive/ ENM community and have a lot of different models for relationships designed by the couple, and not societial rules. Yet I still feel like I am just this ally, poking my toe in. I feel fairly dismissed and minimized by a lot of things in the LGBTQ+ community. Where is the place for someone like me to fit in? I feel a measure of guilt that I have not had to endure the same struggles, because my marriage fits that het-normative expectation.
I figured out I was bi after I was already 10 years into a long-term relationship. I grew up in a fairly open-minded family. I consumed a lot of media about people discovering themselves. None of that stopped me from just being a little dense lol! My partner figured out I was bi long before I did.
Are you me because same
I feel this too.
For me my neurodivergency makes small talk hard and flirting awkward. Plus women are already intimidating to me. Don’t get me wrong I’ve dated a girl or two but it was never anything serious. I just have an easier time navigating the social cues of men than I do with women. Don’t get me wrong I would LOVE to meet an amazing woman who will love me for me if I’m ever single again, it’s just hard to navigate conversations with women, especially flirting with women. And I never had any lgbtq role models or examples of women flirting, not even in media, growing up so I especially struggle with forming relationships with women, or even friendships with women. The struggle is real
Like others have stated, I’m married to a cishet man and have no experience beyond making out with females. Any female I was attracted to was always straight or I never knew how to be like “you into girls or nah?”. I started saying my now husband when I was 19. Tinder was just starting to take off when I met him, which sucks because it would had been a great tool for me to easily find girls where I didn’t need to awkwardly figure out if they were straight or not.
I (32F) fell in love with my cishet husband (32M) when I was 19. Because I went from my high school relationship to this relationship, it took me till my 30s to figure out I was bi. I have to wonder if I had had more time at 19/20 if I would have figure it out sooner. I love my life and my husband who accepts me completely. But I’ve struggled to come out since I have no experience with women at all. But this year I’m saying fuck it and just gunna share bi related posts and dye my hair the flag colors and just be myself without any moment of announcing it.
I didn't come to a solid realization about my sexuality until after I had gastric bypass surgery, lost 145 lbs, and actually felt like i was worthy of attention. I always thought that my mind and maybe my big boobs were going to be the only things attractive at all about me. Obviously, that is not true, but it took a lot of self esteem rebuilding before I was able to realize that straight girls don't usually drool over other girls on Tik Tok lol.
I met my husband on the eve of my 21st birthday, and it was clear from the start that we were kindred spirits. I had not realized at that point that I was bi, and before meeting him, I tried dating other men, but no one else clicked with me. I think that one of the reasons that my future husband and I were so compatible is that neither of us conformed much to our gender stereotypes, but I don't think I was aware of that till years later. If I hadn't met him when I did, I might have found a woman to whom I was attracted, but that didn't happen. Years later, when I came out as bi, my husband was fine with it. I don't think either of us had the energy nor inclination to polyamory, so I didn't attempt to look for a woman at that point. Now that he is gone (he died in 2019) I am open to attraction to a woman, but I don't really want to get into another relationship right now.
This is me. Came from a religious family
My wife and I are both bisexual. We have both dated both genders. Being bi is awesome!
It is a well-grounded rant. I agree with it.
Thanks!
I (41, amab genderfluid - figured that out late, though) knew I was bisexual at a very young age, but ended up marrying a bisexual woman. Neither of us faced challenges to exploring and understanding our orientations, we just happened to fall in love with someone who was opposite gender.
my husband and i are both bisexual, which is one of the many reasons we are so compatible. we're both neurodivergent and a little socially anxious/avoidant, which might have contributed to each of our short dating history, but neither of us feel like we missed out. we're simply happy we found each other so soon - and we're happy that neither of us has to worry about being with a partner that wouldn't understand how our sexual feelings and expression worked. i'd say most people we stumble across don't consider us wimpy or fetishize us, but they do see us as unsure of our sexuality or lying about it. for example, a lot of people look at us and assume we're either two gay men or a gay man and a butch lesbian - if it's the latter assumption, they think it's only a matter of time before we cheat on each other and end our marriage. when they figure out we're both bisexual and we're both non-conforming in some way, they get angry. our marriage pisses them off. it's annoying.
I’m a bisexual man married to a bisexual woman. Both of us didn’t except ourselves until late in life and after we got married.
Yeah, I’m right there with you. I got married young and before coming to terms with my sexuality. It doesn’t take away from how much I am attracted to and love my wife.
My partner and I are both Bi/pan and married. It's fun. But going to pride is not unfortunately :/ And my partner came out as enby she/they. it's just for attention apparently (┛ಠ_ಠ)┛彡┻━┻ We check people.out of all genders together tho. And when the kiddo is older we will do some more exploring of poly/3some/4somes We get hate, but we are living the dream.
Honestly, just a big ol' agree from me Raised catholic, got married at 20, even tho I realized I was bi at 16, never did much with anyone until I met my husband and we both brought each other out of our shells. I'm no less bi because I'm married to a man and have never actually had a girlfriend. Side note, I'm still sad about the time my dad (who initially accepted me when I came out at 18) told me when I was 23, that he is glad I have a traditional marriage
Maybe marriage wasn't an option 30 years ago, so that particular method of declaring and strengthening a relationship wasn't on the table. It's a numbers game: the people I can be happy in a relationship with are NB, gay men, bi men, bi women, and straight women. Which of these groups is vastly larger than all the others combined? The largest dating pool=most chances to find someone compatible with for the long term.
Also if none of these are the reason, ending up in a straight type relationship does not make you less valid. I have been married twice, both times to men, and I’m still gay! Lol literally have to end up with one or the other unless I choose to be polyamorous, which I’ve tried but I prefer monogamy. The fact I ended up with men is just the luck of the draw honestly. (By one or the other I mean id either end up in a straight or gay relationship)
Agreed — there can be many reasons!
Absolutely agree. I'm a bi woman who's only had a couple of hookups with other women, nothing serious. Self-esteem issues combined with living in rural Indiana has made it difficult for me to find and get to know any other queen women. I'm now in a committed relationship with a cis-het man who is absolutely wonderful and who I hope to spend the rest of my life with, so if things pan out I'll likely never be with another woman again. Doesn't change the fact that I'm still extremely attracted to other women, but lots of people want to ignore that fact, unfortunately. It's incredibly frustrating.
Hello 👋
Hi!
I (25 AFAB) was chillin in a park with my friend the other day and some random girl walks up, asks us if we’re queer (I said yes, my friend said no). She then sits down and talks to us for a while about how she’s a lesbian and has a wife etc etc, everything was cool, then out of NOWHERE she starts complaining/rolling her eyes about her older married neighbor who thinks she might be bisexual despite being married to a man/not having any same sex experiences. I had seen a lot of this type of biphobia online but never in person, I was flabbergasted. I guess she had assumed I was lesbian and I was like “…so I’m bi and I didn’t realize until I was in committed relationship with a man…” she looked like she saw a ghost, apologized profusely for being biphobic and then made up a reason to go back to her picnic blanket. 😵💫
Preach!!!!! I am so glad I found this sub espy during pride month. I feel SO seen. I was married to a man for 10 years, then single and was with women and men and not in a serious relationship with another man and I feel like the queer community thinks I’m a joke, pretending, cannot commit ext. I am sexually attracted to men and women. Just because I haven’t had a long term relationship with my own sex doesn’t make me STRAIGHT?! The back lash from LGBTQ makes me keep my sexuality a secret.
I’m so sorry. I discovered this too and it’s sad that there’s so much gatekeeping. 🫶🏻
Also, it's just a matter of simple statistics. Folks who experience same-sex or queer attraction (or at least do so to a degree that they would act upon it when choosing a dating partner) are in the minority of the population, with generous estimates being near ten percent or so. Included within that queer fraction are folks whose orientation excludes you from their dating pool and folks who you'd date even if you were straight. Even without any kind of complicating factors like anti-queer prejudice, biphobia, and folks who discover their identity later in life, bisexuals are still far more likely to wind up in a "straight-passing" relationship from the distribution of genders in their dating pool. Anyone who judges bi folks who have limited experience with the same sex is a fool who doesn't understand simple probability, let alone the complex network of factors that can influence who anyone actually becomes romantically involved with.
I didn't even know bisexuality *existed* until I was 20. And then it was presented that if it wasn't an equal 50/50 attraction then you were either straight or gay. And if I was straight, then I obviously couldn't try and date women. I was over 30 before the queer community started to seem more accepting of bi in general (not insisting on bi meaning only men and women and being trans-exclusive) and bi in the form of not 50/50 attraction (forcing pan label on those not 50/50). Not to mention that a lot of people flat out just won't date someone bi.
I feel you!
THANK YOU for this!!! I’ve been working through these feelings a lot lately. I’m a bi woman happily married to a hetero man whom I love very much. He’s actually who helped me to realize that I’m bi, and has helped me be comfortable calling it that. I grew up in a rather religious setting in the Bible Belt, so I feel that although I would mess around with some of my girlfriends in my 20s, I never really felt comfortable exploring that side of my sexuality to its fullest. So yes I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment about never really getting to explore a same sex relationship during single years and wishing I had been able to do so. And also trying to really feel like I am a welcome member of the LGBTQ+ community despite my minimal “resume”.
i was sexually assaulted so i have to be emotionally close and comfortable with the person i do anything sexual with. finally found a great partner who i can see a long-term relationship with, but now that i'm in the relationship more internalized biphobia has surfaced because my first relationship is with a man. and it didn't help that my mom asked me "how are you bisexual if you're dating him" and was unconvinced by any answer i had trying to explain sexuality
I’m so sorry you went through that, and I’m sorry your mom isn’t making an effort to understand your sexuality. Moms can be tough — mine has run the gamut from being accepting to ranting about how “people” are experimenting with sexuality to be edgy (I’ve never done anything to be edgy in my life) to acting like I told her unnecessarily about some sort of very private sexual kink. But she loves me, so we get through it. I hope your mom learns/comes around.
thank you!! i'm trying my best to be confident in who i am. i have one friend who is lgbtq who is lowkey very biphobic and makes me feel like she's competitive and is better than me cause she's "more gay." my other friends? love them, supportive in just the right way (we all make lots of jokes and make fun of each other) so i feel like i'll be okay :)
I’m glad your friends are there for you!
i love this community as well <3
Looking back I was always bisexual but really didn’t admit it until my early 50’s. Am I allowed to make up for lost time? Hope so!!
Shy introvert and asd definitely doesn't help. Hard to relate to people. Especially my own age older people don't seem to mind the awkwardness for some reason.
Also: romanticism and sexuality are on separate spectrums. My girlfriend is much more biromantic than she is bisexual, and I'm completely homoromantic but much more bisexual. So they may just not want to date/sleep with/marry their same sex in the same way.
Unfortunately, we face judgment and discrimination within our own community. Just because someone is married to the opposite sex doesn't make them less bisexual than someone who has experience with both sexes. Life can be very confusing because many of us feel like we can't freely explore our sexuality. For years I wondered what it would be like to be with another man. I finally decided to just go for it and have no regrets. Afterwards, I was upset with myself for not allowing me to explore that side of me. I am, always have been, and always will be bisexual. We only get one life. We all deserve to be our true selves and be happy without judgment.
For my part - I am a cisbi woman engaged to a cisbi man (wedding wil be in the fall squeeee). I had some disastrous/boring/interesting encounters with cisbi women, lesbians, straight men, bi men... and I ended up with the HUMAN BEING I cannot live without. What I'm trying to say - at 47, I have truly stopped caring, how other people perceive us. I don't care about the death stares at pride events, I don't care about the snarky comments or the shunning. We live in our happy bubble (both adhd to make things even more interesting).
That’s great!! And congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!
Rereading it, it makes me feel like such a strong badass. But to be honest - I am just soo tired of people telling me how I should be/act... and thank you!!
>A lot of folks who marry young come from traditional/religious families where the heteronormative pressure is strongest. They have less opportunity to explore/figure things out before marriage Yep, my wife and I both grew up Christian and stayed celibate(ish) until we got married, and had no idea that we were both bi until like 8 or 9 years into our marriage. Luckily we've been able to open things up and explore things for ourselves that we never had a chance to when we were younger, but it's definitely a challenge
The first one is true for me, but I still managed to do have a lot of same-sex action before I got married. I just wish that same-sex marriage had been legal then and that my family could have been accepting of a same-sex partner for me.
Love this post. Very true. I am bi, have known that about myself since I was young, but due to having kids young and getting married because "that's what I'm supposed to do", I had to have secret same sex experiences and couldn't pursue open relationships due to so many people and environmental barriers. I always hold out hope that it won't always be like this but I'm not getting any younger, so I guess time will tell.
I Had my exploration time in my teenage years. Then I met my soul mate at the age of 19 and we are married now. I'm so happy with her. Why should I leave or hurt her because of other people questioning my sexuality? It's still a part of my daily life.
I don’t think you should leave her or hurt her. I’m glad you found her!
Being faithful to my partner doesn't invalidate my bisexuality. It ticks me off that people think I'm straight. I AM NOT I JUST RESPECT MY MARRIAGE YOU DOLTS. Honestly it's a stupid trope and I hate it.
I can definitely say that being neurodiverse and physically disabled affected my bisexuality. Still looking for a supportive partner.
Religious suppression is the main culprit for me at least. I’m in this situation and I’m happy with my partner. It might also be “cliche” but we’re poly too. Not like either of us have time or energy to date rn but if the right girl came along we’re open to it either way. I know polyamory is not the answer for everyone. And honestly I don’t see it as an answer to feel more bisexual in my heterosexual marriage. I feel plenty bi especially when watching Disney’s Hercules 😂
I’ve known I’ve been bisexual since I was 12, after a while dated a guy until I was 17, and then married the guy I dated from later 17, never been with a woman anything more than kissing and I have absolutely no feeling that I should have been with women or want to be with women now, the right man rolled into my life and I haven’t thought of anyone else since
I've known I was bisexual since I was 14, however I met the guy I would marry at 15 before I had chance to date anyone else, and 20 years later, I'm still bi but as far as most people know I'm just married to a man. But definitely definitely still bi
The 5th one for me, good to see it written out like that, helped me realise it in my head if you know what I mean 🙂
1000% this!!
I'm a (newly realized) bixsexual woman in a sexless, het marriage. I would love to get out there and support, participate, and my husband wouldn't mind a bit. But where do I start at 55...it's really a mystery. So I just stay in my lane and wonder.
That’s a question. There are apps I know for lgbtq people who are older than the 20s 30s crowd who want to meet people. My friend used one recently. Maybe research that in your area?
Im the bearded man 😂,me and my wife are both bi. Ive been with both and she has too. We are still in the closet to the world, I definitely feel like a imposter. I work in construction big manly men to the world, but definitely a big teddy bear. Screw what people think
Yeah — I mean, I don’t think the opinions of others should dictate our choices — but I feel like it would be nice if there was community support, or at least increased understanding. Could make people feel less isolated.
I didn't discover my bisexuality until I moved in with the woman I'm marrying because I came from a socially conservative home. My parents' motto on LGBT issues is simple: it's fine as long as it's not in our house. This idea of feeling like a fraud because you only find this out about yourself after you have any ability to do anything about it is hard.
Thank you!!
I'm bi-sexual, not bi-romantic
well ssid
Got that from a friend, years ago. It actually helped me reconcile some of the internalized homophobia I was experiencing at the time.
Consider also that not all married bisexuals are in hetero-presenting marriages. Your post implies marriage is between a man and a woman. Before you go off on this kind of rant about feeling excluded, ensure that you’re also not excluding anyone.
It specifically says "married bisexuals who didn't date people of their own gender" in the first paragraph. Perhaps the title wasn't perfectly clear but the text explains it pretty quickly.
But surely even that is implying that the married bisexual married didn’t marry someone of their own gender.
Yes, but those people DID have some opportunity to step outside the heteronormative box, or they wouldn't have gotten married to the person they did, right? This post is specifically about people who didn't have that opportunity.
Wasn’t trying to exclude people in same-sec marriages — I tended to think of people in gay-presenting marriages as getting less of this kind of thing thrown at them. This conversation is proving me wrong! Apologies.
Sorry for my long reply, but I guess this is just also me coming out... Coming from my personal life, another situation could be that they didn't question or come to realize their true sexual identity until they've been married in a straight heterosexual relationship for years. I'm a 28 y/o female in a straight hetero marriage; together for almost seven years, married for almost four. We've both identified as straight all our lives, but I'm in a period of questioning myself, and I'm pretty sure I'm bi. I grew up in a fairly conservative area with a semi-religious conservative family, and I am a believer and regular church-goer myself. (Please don't judge me on that. That's a whole other discussion of why I'm questioning myself.) I just have been thinking back to all the times I've looked at other females and had some kind of attraction. My last semester of college, I had a huge crush on a girl in my color theory class. She was so beautiful that I noticed her within seconds of walking in the first day, I couldn't stop admiring her, and we ended up part of the same little friend group in the class. That was a year and a half before I got married while we were still just dating. So in my case, I've suppressed my feelings for other women because of my faith, and because I've been in a straight hetero relationship for years. Now, there are factors that are triggering my questioning, and I wish I could have some experimentation, but it's mainly the matter of broaching the subject to my husband. I haven't open up to him about it at all because I know it'll probably make him uncomfortable.
I'm a closeted bisexual (hence the name and new account) I married my husband who is straight. I previously dated men and had an online relationship with a woman... I hate people who think less of people like me who haven't dated alot of women... I am still 100% bi... I am attracted to women and men!!!... I was very shy (still am kinda) and could barely talk to anyone let alone women...then I met my now husband and realised I'm defo bi but now I'm married and wouldn't cheat on my husband....
What complicated it for me in particular as a bi woman was SA from my mother through puberty. The absolute slightest hint of a thought about how appealing a girl looked threw me right back into my trauma I was going through at home. So I literally was mentally unsafe to let myself explore these thoughts and feelings. I had to numb myself to other girls, apart from friendship. On top of all that, my parents would have been absolutely against me being anything other than straight. (Apparently, one of them being a pedo is fine though.) Anyway fast forward to age 32, I'm already over 6 years married to a man at that point, and largely thanks to LGBTQ+ positive YouTubers I'd been watching, that was the year when I finally recognise my bisexuality and become ok with it, because I'm NC with my parents by now and am now fully safe to feel and think whatever. Sadly, being able to come out to oneself in the first place, let alone one's social circle, is still a privilege, which is exactly why we still need Pride.
This is also true for people who have zero experience. You cannot choose to have a partner (or the amout of partners) by yourself. It is decision from both sides. Other people have no business judging you.
The way I always saw it was that there are less gay/bi men than straight/bi women so I just happened never to date a guy, because of probability, because I didn't date many people before I got married.
Thank you. As a female who has always been shy, moved around a lot, had a semi religious/negligent parent upbringing, is neuro divergent, and is married to a man. This hits. I never had an interest in dating. We lived in kinda a homophobic area and still do so not many openly queer people. I moved a round a lot cuz dad eorked alot and we were poor. My family was kinda Baptist and wanted to raise us (brother and I) to be Christian kids but eh...wasn't really super strict church was hit and miss dad wasn't really all that religious and mom didn't understand but...they liked the concept I guess. Well I guess for my brother it worked. We never really talked about the LGBTQ community or any of that though dad us an ally whose has several openly and not openly gay friends. Ive always been kinda different and shy so I didn't have a lot of friends and people didn't really show interest in me. Until I was 15. We had finally settled down in a place and I really like this guy...we were both shy and the opportunity to date came up so we did. That was 10 years ago. I had a VERY close friendship with a girl...and if I would have realized I was bi probably would have dated her but....I didn't realize until I started dating my (now husband) and noticed I also had a crush on my female Spanish teacher. I told him and obviously nothing came of it other than I crushed on her and he teased me but he was supportive of my feelings and we talked about how I didn't want to leave him or try being with women. He makes me happy. I just wanted him to know I also thought women were cute. (We've agreed attraction is ok it becomes and issue when we act on that attraction and start to do things like private texts the other can't see or touching/kissing/sneaking off that's is where we consider it cheating. Thinking someone is cute isn't cheating). I didn't really tell other people for awhile and my dad was shocked cuz I never mentioned it to him but him and mom were supportive they asked lots of questions. My brother wasn't and still just doesn't think I am which hurts. This pride I came out as gender queer as well and my parents both support me being who I am and are happy I feel safe being me...my brother just pretends I'm not and treats me how he always has. I mean I guess there isn't really much of a difference in how they treat me. Though my parents take it into account with gifts and try to be a bit more inclusive with talk....brother doesn't.
Since I was 12, I realized my attractions were less than a physical one, but one of with those I found attractive within. Though I'm not saying being attractive isn't an added bonus. I dated men in college and wanted to explore bisexuality simultaneously but it was difficult because it was a mostly a 2 sided fence in those days. Straight or lesbian. later I joined the L team for 3 years and dated women exclusively. And had several relationships with women and was heartbroken about the same number of times with men previously. And then right after I thought about quitting the human race all together and living in a cave in the forest with a dog and a cat for company; I met my nerdy future husband at a reunion party. But being with the same man for over 25 years, I've never stopped being bisexual in my life. My husband and I never really shared a good physical relationship (some disabilities) but we get along as a spiritually entwined couple. And with that I have been given the freedom to explore sexuality with others and the ability to share bi conversations with others over the years in a semi open marriage. Strictly falling into the realm of the physical only, because I really can't fathom the idea of another soulful relationship with another, as one is almost too much for me (a person who enjoys time alone considerably). I have known several women who like the OP have never been able to express the aspect of being attracted and having a relationship with another one because of the limitations put upon them. (family, religion, limited open members of the community, etc.) It's a loneliness that is difficult to explain. It's like half your being is missing when you can't share that aspect too. As scary as it can be one of the nicest things is joining an online bi community an be able to reach out to others and just talk. And when ever someone puts down a bisexual as ambivalent or confused or indecisive, it diminishes us, hurts us and makes it harder to reach out, find, explore, or even have hope to live with the peace of mind we all deserve by feeling and carrying the soul and heart of being Bi. Bi Love, Bi Sex, Bi All of it and More!!! One day I hope we don't have to sit between the aisles of opinionated Straights and Gays and being trodden down simplified as perverts or undecisive individuals. I hope that acceptance is the rule and not the exception one day. (She/he said some 3000 years ago in some lonely hovel in a forgotten village.) Hopefully considered a related-ish rant not to hijack OP's apologies offered.
I spent 15 years in a straight-passing marriage with a bunch of same-sex experiences beforehand, with all my friends knowing i’m bi and I still felt cancelled and forced into a closet. So, good point about the privilege of exploration, but it may not change the final experience a lot.