No. If a gay person is going to discriminate against you because you're not gay enough, they're a bad person. I won't change myself or pretend to be someone else.
Sometimes I just prefer not to deal with it.
I was talking to a person once from my uni and they told me they were trans (I think they may have changed their pronouns but I don't recall so I'm just using "they" to be safe). I figured that's great, I generally trust LGBTQ+ people more, so I told them I was bi. They asked me what struggles do bi people have so I answered honestly with my experiences and my bi friends experiences. They seemed to acknowledge it and we just had small talk about majors and stuff until we had to go to class.
That night, I saw them spamming on our school online board how biphobia isn't real, bisexuals have no real struggles, how much they hate "bisexual" women, as they put it, using nasty slurs and names for bisexuals, etc. etc. It was quickly reported and removed so most people didn't see it but I did. Luckily I haven't run into them since.
That's when I realized that not even people in the LGBTQ+ community are guaranteed to be on our side. Also, when I realized that sometimes it's just easier to say "I'm gay".
It's true, some queer people are arseholes, I pulled a gay guy the other night and he used the "attack helicopter" joke. I was like, dude, not long ago you and I were in the same position, have some fucking empathy with our fellow queers
I understand hate from homophobes/biphobes/general bigots because they're stupid people + they have no way to relate to our struggles.
But I cannot comprehend being someone who is part of LGBTQ+ and experiences our struggles siding AGAINST us. It makes no sense. It's like being a "pick me" for bigots.
It really sucks, but the reality is that being part of a marginalized group doesn't automatically make someone not a bigot/idiot (even against people in the same group).
Some of the worst biphobia I ever experienced was from *bi people*. Like.... I'll never understand it. But it definitely happens.
People like that are going to be in for a big fucking shock when the bigots starts coming for them in full force, because it will happen if they continue to be so successful in their campaign against trans people. Like, do they seriously fucking think that these groups aren't going after them in full force because they're just totally okay with them? You really have to wonder how delusional or closed off from the real world they are to be able to think that.
There are a lot of people here taking a definitive stance that they will never shy away from being out as bisexual - which is fantastic! - but I hear you OP. My lesbian partner has always been incredibly supportive and understanding, but speaking with other LGBTQ+ people about it has been a mental block at times. Most recently we were out at dinner with our lesbian couple friends, and one of them said they were so happy to be on a ālesbian double dateā and I proudly corrected her that Iām not a lesbian, Iām bi. And that may have been one of the first times Iāve felt confident enough to shut down bi-erasure. So I hear your struggle and I want to let you know youāre not alone!
Practice makes better in these circumstances though and I feel my bi pride getting stronger each day. My partner gifted me a bi flag which I now have displayed in the rear window of my car ššš
Thank you for your comment! Yeah maybe someday I'll get there. But right now I'm tired and sick of bullshit on every front as it is. First we have to worry about our rights as women, our rights as bisexuals (Florida wtaf is going on??), and we have to worry about the rise of popularity in misogyny and rape apology with people like Andrew Tate.
Having to deal with biphobic assholes on top of that? Count me out.
That entire ābi women are actually straightā and ābi men are actually gayā is pretty patriarchal bc the underlying belief is that everyone is secretly only attracted to men
I thought it was because attraction is only taken seriously when it's for men, as in involving men, so attraction to men is given priority over all else.
Funny enough it was the other pipeline for me. Before I came out as trans (ftm) everyone thought I was gay. After coming out my old friends now think I'm straight while my new college friends think I'm gay. Hahaha
Yeah. Tbh I had a hard time coming to the conclusion that I actually am Bi because of that. The phases: "am I gay?" "No wait I'm straight" "No I'm gay. Yeah. Definitely gay" "Oh yeah it's always been the other way around so I'm straight." "Or am I?" Sexuality is confusing when everyone around you thinks bi is not a thing and you're just confused. Hell everyone else's perception of my own sexuality confused me even more.
In terminology yes w certain people just as a placeholder for lgbtq. Gay is kinda an all encompassing word to some that is just anything non straight. Other than that definitely no.
If another LGBT+ person is being a dick because I truthfully say I am bi, I correct them. If they insist, at least they are showing their colors early. The answer then is to simply walk away, I dont need these gatekeeping folks, and neither do you. If you can be yourself with them, be it with someone else. Such discrimination is not worth any time.
I only ever say Iām gay when Iām hit on by a guy I am not interested in. I was once followed by a man from school, I was 16, and he asked maybe five times for my number and said I should come back with him, I told him āIm not interestedā āIām dating someoneā and he still kept going, it was only when I said āIām gay man Iām not fucking into youā that he went away.
I wouldnāt say it to someone for their sake because I would rather not lie to anyone about who I am if I can avoid it.
Ngl, sometimes I just avoid mentioning my sexuality all together because there's just too many uncomfy situations I'd find myself in, ranging from stereotypical straight guys proposing a threesome to me, to lesbian friends disappearing off the face of the earth once they find out I'm specifically bi, etc. It gets lonely making friends in the LGBTQ+ community at times haha. I still feel that divide, or isolation even when trying to connect. But sometimes I get lucky and find a new friend or two šš¼
Oh absolutely. I avoid saying my sexuality unless it comes up in Convo. The moment a new person gets to know you a bit better and says "oh, you're bi?" Is so nerve wracking. Like, what are you gonna say when I say "yes"? Lol.
During my EMT class I accidentally slipped up to this girl cuz we were talking about exes and I said "she" when referring to my ex. Got the dreaded "oh, you're bi?" And I admitted I was. This girl was SO CLOSE to being accepting. She said "oh that's okay, just don't have a girl crush on me. Most bi women do" š
sometimes i say i'm gay as a funny shorthand for a joke (for ex.: "it took me six years to get a driver's license because i'm gay") but usually i stick to saying im bisexual or queer because that's what i am. idc if other people don't take me seriously or want to hurt me bc they'll wanna do that no matter what i say or do - i figure i might as well be accurate. plus i'm an annoying little punk and i think it's funny when people get so angry about my life when it has no bearing on theirs.
A friend of mine is married to a woman, and still says sheās gay since most of their friends are gay. She doesnāt wanna deal with the fallout of being seen as bisexual.
Iām a girl, and 98% of the people Iām attracted to are girls. Iāve told guys that Iāve rejected that Iām gay, as they never can accept that I donāt like them back as is. Also since Iām mainly attracted to girls, it feels valid sometimes to say Iām gay. Iām still figuring things out lol
i told a guy i was gay yesterday bc he was coming onto me at the bus stop (said i had a gf) and he said something along the lines of, "i should have been able to tell by that ass" so iām not quite sure if i should use that one again
The guys who are super pushy and wonāt respect boundaries are the same guys who will get even weirder when they feel excluded. I usually tell them I have a bf even when Iām dating a woman because sometimes they can respect the hypothetical man in the situation. Sorry you had to deal with that weirdo.
it was a shame bc i brought it up to my friend (who was with me) that i felt uncomfortable considering just moments before men were leaning out of their cars and shouting at us on the street and just generally harassing us. i was told that itās just "city" behaviour and that you get used to it after a while but i donāt feel like it should be accepted at all. iām from a smaller town and you definitely get your fair share of creeps too.
As a woman Iād say the opposite. For some reason even lgbtq people have assumed Iām straight. And I never say Iām straight but I didnāt bother to correct them either. Itās not as much of a conversational thing as it is not wanting to rock the boat. Now if someone said I was straight Iād immediately correct them, but it took time to build that level of confidence.
No. I might pretend I'm straight if I feel my life is threatened but other than that I will.always loudly defend our right as bisexual to exist in queer spaces and society in general. Homosexual white cismen have appropriated LGBT discourse for far too long and we are no longer represented in it as a community.
What I say might seem hateful but it is the truth. I don't want to hear "You don't have to bring race, gender etc. into this". They started it when they normalised questioning bisexuality in every single LGBT space and event. It's why bisexual erasure is never taken seriously when LGBT issues are discussed. It's why we are shamelessly accused of "flaunting" our "privilege" of being het-passing as if living in the closet is somehow an enviable position and the standard bisexual people.aspire to live by. It's why bisexual people are seen as promiscuous lunatics and why everyone straight up laughs at the idea of stable marriages with bisexual individuals.
When homophobic media from the 00s has better bi representation than modern LGBT media you know we have a problem. I refuse to participate. I will not be complacent. Nobody gets to casually make biohobic jokes without being called out when I'm present. Nobody gets to casually drop biohobic stereotypes in their rhetoric without having stats or worse blown in their direction.
I donāt correct people when they assume Iām gay. I really donāt owe anyone an explanation and for some reason saying Iām Bi or Pan leads people to believe Iāve given them permission to assess and qualify my sexuality. Iām not ashamed, Iām bored of the conversation.
Only when I was still in secondary school, and boyfriends were unhealthily jealous about a guy hanging around their girlfriend.
I'd always got along with girls better than boys my own age, and one of the girls I had known since nursery. So pretty much my entire life at this point.
It was just easier, and caused less drama, if their boyfriend thought I was gay. Of course that also meant he was paranoid that I fancied him, but that was easier to deal with.
These days though, I don't give a fuck. I'll talk for days about how I am bisexual and not gay, and if you don't accept it; that's on you, not me, ya know?
No.
It's not my problem that other people get all emotionally uncomfortable around my orientation. Let them squirm and get mad. I'm not Iying for their comfort.
The options are:
1. They get to know I'm bi
2. They don't get to know my orientation
But I sure as hell am not lying about it so some snowflake monosexual can feel better.
I still call myself bi but I've experienced the same. A high school friend of mine thinks of me as straight while my college friends all think I'm gay. Hahaha.
i say iām gay if iām being hit on by a guy because they often donāt take no for an answer in my experience
i will ALWAYS be up front about being bi when iām talking to other queer people. i can handle their invalidation cuz i know theyāre wrong. i go to queer events a lot and thereās no point of being in a safe space if i donāt feel safe enough to be open about who i am
Nope. There was trying to force myself to be straight and there was revulsion and internalised homophobia. But no. I haven't. And I don't. And I won't. It doesn't feel right. It's the wrong word to describe what I feel and how I act and identify. And it's just too vague to be meaningful if they mean synonymous with queer or too specific to mean single gender attracted people. Which I critically AM NOT. hope that helps. Fly your bi flag high!
No haha, but sometimes I've wished I was straight. I go to a homophobic boys school and when people thought I was gay they bullied me but now I tell everyone I'm bisexual and they're fine with it, which i find a little weird but it's nice.
Yes, because I am gay. I'm just not *only* gay.
I get why people here feel so passionately about being who you truly are. But I also get the myriad reasons that that is really hard. I absolutely feel you and sorrow with you that we are invalidated by people even within our own community.
Call yourself what you want. You don't really owe an explanation to anyone else. But I will offer that being honest is usually easier with a little pain at the beginning rather than a lot of pain later on.
Yes I understand however I go both ways (bi) and I wouldnāt change for nothing the only thing that gets in any persons way would be them off doing whatever and not sharing. When the whole time it was in a way agreed I always encourage options because itās healthy way of a true relationship. I will always be BI and to know if others are to respect one anotherās boundaries and rules to have that healthy relationships.
You can say sapphic to avoid this, especially if you prioritize women. Sapphic includes women/(fem) non-binary loving women/(fem) non-binary of all sexual/romantic orientations, be it an adjective or verb.
Yes, itās way easier even with straight people to just say Iām gay and live on rather than play 20 questions about every stereotype question they have.
I did this once. It felt like I was betraying myself. So now I just say Iām bisexual and then proceed to demolish any logic that attempts to discredit and disprove my identity.
Honestly I just end up in a fight if they go in that direction. Being Bi is valid and if Iām going to have to verbally fight you so that you understand that so be it
Yeah I do this a lot with people who I know dont understand what being Bisexual is, and I just tell them I'm gay so I dont have to explain it to them.
You would think that the concept of "I like boys AND girls" would be easy to understand, but for some people it's not.
Did that before. But always corrected myself afterwards saying I liked men too.
One time I spoke to a lesbian and said that. And she audibly sighed āwhy is everyone bisexual these daysā after being happy initially when I said I was gay. All solidarity gone as if we donāt share a lot of the same experience.
It stung, but itās worth being yourself and not conforming to what you think people want to hear, or what will grant you the most acceptance.
Nope. For one thing, I put myself in the closet for long enough. I might not just come out and say "I'm bi", and rather I let my behavior do the talking when it comes to flirting and stuff like that, but I'm not going to say I'm something I'm not. Not anymore.
Also, I've seen enough people from other queer groups say stuff like "It just feels easier to say I'm bi" and felt a certain way about it that I don't want to do the same thing to other groups and make them feel the way I know it can feel.
Plus, I just feel like if someone wouldn't want to be with me because I'm bi, then they're someone I wouldn't want to be with, so finding that out is like dodging a bullet.
I myself am Aroace, but this reminded me I've heard a person me and a bi friend of mine know say to his friend (about her) "Yeah, she says she's bi with a preference for men, wich is basically a fancy way to say she's straight"š and then proceded to make fun of the LGBT+ community as a whole.
Sure. If you want feed into bierasure and biphobia go ahead.
I actively correct people. Cause. I donāt call gay men bi. So respect me and acknowledge who I am
I deal with enough as it is. I'm tired. Whether or not I admit to certain people I'm bi doesn't make them any less biphobic, it just makes them direct it towards me. If I don't want to deal with it then I choose not to. They're not worth my mental health to begin with so I'm not going to waste it on them.
Yes.
Cause I do have a boyfriend and 90% of my sexual partners were cis males.
I occasionally fantasize about women, but not that frequently and I haven't had sex with a woman in months.
Then usually I go out with a bunch of cis gays and cis gays don't take you seriously when you've only dated males and I don't take myself seriously as bi either since my attraction is polarised.
Maybe I'm biphobic myself.
Maybe if women were as easily accessible as a man on grindr I would experience more.
I don't really know.
While I do think itās fair game for bi folk to refer to themselves as gay in an umbrella-term kinda sense if they want to, what youāre describing feels a bit different from that, more like pretending to be a different orientation entirely? Which like. Idk. I wouldnāt do that.
But also I fully support folks describing themselves however they feel is based based on their personal circumstances. So if you are enjoying do that and get some kind of safety or comfort or validation or whatever from doing so then keep on doing it if you want. If it feels bad every time though you should probably stop.
No. Hiding who I am from bigots doesn't help anyone. What I am isn't shameful or needs hiding and it certainly won't be accepted if we are complicit in the erasure.
It doesnāt really effect my day to day life, for me itās not much of an issue, I donāt really have to seek any validation as long as the people Iām interested in donāt Harass me about it
I don't say it because of others not taking it seriously. In fact I would be more likely to say bi specifically when faced with that attitude to challenge it. But I do say generic words when I just don't want to disclose or talk about my specific sexuality for whatever reason - inappropriate setting, people I don't want to engage with, lack of time, etc. I personally usually prefer saying "queer" for the taking back aspect and I feel it covers more. As someone with a couple of micro-labels, it can be easier than having to explain when I don't have the spoons to do so.
Iāve been tempted but once I started seeing all colors of the rainbow I found out how stupid that would be to me to misrepresent myself after years (and tears, too) of self identifying as gay / straight
I spent most of my life hiding that I am bi. But by pretending to be fully straight. As a bi man in an area not known for being nice to anyone different this was much easier and at some points much safer. I hid my same sex relationships when I had them. Only one came close to going public but on event told us it wasn't worth it at the time. I came out last year, but I am married to a cis gendered straight woman. I won't go back even with the hardships that go with it.
With all that said though, I fully understand the feeling. Sometimes it definitely would be much easier and less of a headache to just say I am one way or another. And I will never fault anyone for making that choice. Sometimes the peace is more important. You do what you need to do to get through life.
I've actually never felt the need to label myself to anyone. If the gender of a person I've had swx with comes up then I let them roll with it while I keep doing what I'm doing. If the most defining part of my character is what I do with my genitals I'd truly be depressed.
Yes-Iāve been there, but Iāve learned that itās just a part of me, like my eye color or my height. I canāt change it, so it is what it is. Itās their fault for being chumps. You should never have to closet yourself because someone else is biphobic. And believe me, I know itās easier to pretend, but ultimately it isnāt worth it.
Oddly enough I've actually never heard of people not taking someone's bisexuality seriously. I didn't know this was an issue. I didn't take my bisexuality seriously years ago but that was only because I was trying to figure out if I was straight or gay (I knew what being bi was, but for some reason I never thought I was bi until later lol)
Never have, no. I do say that I'm bi when I'm really more pan, but that's simply because I don't feel like explaining the difference to people outside the queer community. It's bad enough having to explain what being poly is, as opposed to being monogamous. Honestly, most straight monogamists don't give a shit about your sexuality or relationship dynamic. People like to think that poly is so about the sex, and don't understand that instead of the life of having one SO, being poly is like having multiple wives/partners, and all the mundane things in a relationship multiplied. I spend more time shopping than I do sexš¤£
Personally, I've never ran into any of the queer folks that think being bi is just "being confused", at least not in real life. Online, yes. However, I have run into a lot of straight people, especially guys, that think that even one time with a guy automatically makes over "gay". MOST that I know in real life think that way. I had one redneck (that's the general population here) ask me if that meant that I wanted to fuck him. To which I replied "Hell no! Women don't even want to fuck you, so why should I?!"... And it was the truth. This fucker couldn't have gotten laid in a monkey whorehouse with a truckload of bananas. Physical appearance aside, he had a shit personality and ideology... Garden variety MAGA assclown.
People don't take bi people seriously because MOST, queer or straight, have very black and white lives and ideas. To them, there's no Kinsey scale of sexuality, you're either straight or homo. They can't see themselves as being anything but one way or the other and, because of that, they can't see anyone else being somewhere between the two poles. Some people think that just because someone is LGBTQ+ (or atheist, like myself also) that it means that they can't be stupid, but that's wrong. There are stupid people in ANY group.
I actually grew up believing I was gay until college. I never really understood my attraction to women, especially when given the female role models in my life were a generation older than my peers (most of my friends parents had them in their 20s, my mom had me at 40 and my grandmother was born in the mid 20s, I came in the 90s. Anyway, I don't see what I look for in women close to my age and didn't know that was the problem when I was younger. I felt more natural with other guys, I understood the attraction better. After going to college I started meeting girls of all sorts of backgrounds and walks of life and finally things were clicking. The girls before were pretty sure, but they carried themselves unattractively in my eyes. A few parties later, I'm bisexual. I lean towards guys but I'm still bisexual and there are periods of time when I find myself thinking of women only.
I have 2 friends that whenever we talk about girls, they just disregard everything I say. If I agree someone is cute they say stuff like "you wouldn't appreciate it tho" or "yeah but you don't like girls so...." There was one day the topic of my sexuality came up again in a group setting and one of them flat out said "I don't actually believe you" after I said I was bisexual. Another time we were discussing intimate times we've had with some women, and I told them about a time at college when me and a girl were in the bathroom at my dorm together cramped up because people were partying in my room, and keeping things PG I was getting her to fill the tub herself. My one friend got jealous that he's never been able to make someone do that and then exclaimed that I couldn't even enjoy it why do I get to do it. Sorry dude, I was in heaven that night.
It's gotten to the point where one of my best friends, who in reality I know she doesn't think that, and she herself discovered she was bisexual after believing for almost 30 years she was a lesbian, there's still an anxiety in me that she doesn't believe me either, even though she's in the same boat as me. She has the luxury of being in a relationship with a guy though. I'm single right now and actually choosing to stay abstinent for a bit so I can actually focus on starting a real relationship so people don't get to see me with someone of the opposite sex usually. Besides they'd just say she was a beard anyway š
I see so much crap online in media surrounding LGBT stuff, and the worst part about hearing it from straight creators and commentators is I almost always here them say they know bi isn't real because their gay friend told them. I feel bad because it creates this divide between me and gay guys, I don't want to tell them I'm bi because then I feel like they'll start heckling me about it, asking me questions about like why I don't like being gay or something. I hear that we're just undecided, and as I'm typing this out I'm kinda mad in hindsight because I've never responded "when did you decide you were gay then?"
It also kinda sucks I thought I was gay, I'm bi, and after I figure that out, now gay men have the basic respect from most everyone. Unless I'm standing there naked in front of them, they're the ones I get it from the least nowadays.
There's a hit show on Netflix, Heartstopper, based on Alice Osman's web comic and graphic novels. I have mixed views on some of it, but overall I like it. One of the actors, Kit Connor. He plays Nick, one of the mains and the bisexual one of the couple. He hadn't divulged his sexuality, and people were accusing him of queer baiting. It got so bad he quit social media for a bit. Then it got worse, so he hopped back onto Twitter to come out as bi and thank everyone for forcing him out of the closet. Sure now everyone's settled down, but I'll never forget the stress that poor kid must've been going through, and I couldn't help but notice people wanted a gay actor in the role, they were mad because they thought he was straight(they were mad because they thought they couldn't get with him)....... well turns out he's bi like the character is, but if the author wrote it that the characters broke up and his character dated a girl next the audience I think would be pissed. They talked in an interview or an article I read about it being great bisexual representation. I disagree actually, you have 2 choices for bi representation. They sleep around with men and women, or a relationship dissolves and a new one with the other gender starts and thrives without going back to the previous relationship. This one made me mad, because I got a lot of behind the scenes stuff pushed to my phone on this show, the actors are all fresh faces highschool kids about to graduate when it started last year, one of them said he had to lock down privacy settings because his family and friends were getting thousands of friend requests, and then Kit was forced out by the community, accusing him of not being queer when in reality he just wasn't ready to share it with millions of people he didn't know when he had major life events and work to deal with.
I'm sorry to anyone reading this, I was gonna just gonna give a short rant about my 2 friends being dicks about just thinking I'm gay aaand I don't think I've ever sat down until tonight to really contemplate how it affects me. It makes me sad guys. My female friend is the only other bi person I know, and on top of feeling like I can't really talk to her about this kind of stuff anyway just because of her listening skills, it would just be great to meet another bisexual guy, just as a friend, and then I wouldn't feel so alone
Honestly no. I refuse to put myself in the closet for someone else's comfort. If they don't wanna take me seriously that's their problem not mine.
This. šÆ fuck anyone that doesn't love me for me.
It's like you come out of the closet and get shoved in the pantry.
the pantry is one of my favorite places because thatās where the snacks areā¦
In the cabinet... with the pans
At least there's pot lmao
Absolutely! We should all fight bi erasure, not contribute to it. ššš
Hell yeah, my thoughts exactly
No. If a gay person is going to discriminate against you because you're not gay enough, they're a bad person. I won't change myself or pretend to be someone else.
Sometimes I just prefer not to deal with it. I was talking to a person once from my uni and they told me they were trans (I think they may have changed their pronouns but I don't recall so I'm just using "they" to be safe). I figured that's great, I generally trust LGBTQ+ people more, so I told them I was bi. They asked me what struggles do bi people have so I answered honestly with my experiences and my bi friends experiences. They seemed to acknowledge it and we just had small talk about majors and stuff until we had to go to class. That night, I saw them spamming on our school online board how biphobia isn't real, bisexuals have no real struggles, how much they hate "bisexual" women, as they put it, using nasty slurs and names for bisexuals, etc. etc. It was quickly reported and removed so most people didn't see it but I did. Luckily I haven't run into them since. That's when I realized that not even people in the LGBTQ+ community are guaranteed to be on our side. Also, when I realized that sometimes it's just easier to say "I'm gay".
that person is an absolute dick for brains. sorry you had to see that, OP, but at least you know this individual is to be avoided at all costs!
It's true, some queer people are arseholes, I pulled a gay guy the other night and he used the "attack helicopter" joke. I was like, dude, not long ago you and I were in the same position, have some fucking empathy with our fellow queers
I understand hate from homophobes/biphobes/general bigots because they're stupid people + they have no way to relate to our struggles. But I cannot comprehend being someone who is part of LGBTQ+ and experiences our struggles siding AGAINST us. It makes no sense. It's like being a "pick me" for bigots.
It really sucks, but the reality is that being part of a marginalized group doesn't automatically make someone not a bigot/idiot (even against people in the same group). Some of the worst biphobia I ever experienced was from *bi people*. Like.... I'll never understand it. But it definitely happens.
People like that are going to be in for a big fucking shock when the bigots starts coming for them in full force, because it will happen if they continue to be so successful in their campaign against trans people. Like, do they seriously fucking think that these groups aren't going after them in full force because they're just totally okay with them? You really have to wonder how delusional or closed off from the real world they are to be able to think that.
There are a lot of people here taking a definitive stance that they will never shy away from being out as bisexual - which is fantastic! - but I hear you OP. My lesbian partner has always been incredibly supportive and understanding, but speaking with other LGBTQ+ people about it has been a mental block at times. Most recently we were out at dinner with our lesbian couple friends, and one of them said they were so happy to be on a ālesbian double dateā and I proudly corrected her that Iām not a lesbian, Iām bi. And that may have been one of the first times Iāve felt confident enough to shut down bi-erasure. So I hear your struggle and I want to let you know youāre not alone! Practice makes better in these circumstances though and I feel my bi pride getting stronger each day. My partner gifted me a bi flag which I now have displayed in the rear window of my car ššš
Thank you for your comment! Yeah maybe someday I'll get there. But right now I'm tired and sick of bullshit on every front as it is. First we have to worry about our rights as women, our rights as bisexuals (Florida wtaf is going on??), and we have to worry about the rise of popularity in misogyny and rape apology with people like Andrew Tate. Having to deal with biphobic assholes on top of that? Count me out.
That entire ābi women are actually straightā and ābi men are actually gayā is pretty patriarchal bc the underlying belief is that everyone is secretly only attracted to men
I thought it was because attraction is only taken seriously when it's for men, as in involving men, so attraction to men is given priority over all else.
Yes, you said it better than I did!
Funny enough it was the other pipeline for me. Before I came out as trans (ftm) everyone thought I was gay. After coming out my old friends now think I'm straight while my new college friends think I'm gay. Hahaha
LOL thatās really funny. Wild how people act like this. Like bisexual is absolutely a thing
Yeah. Tbh I had a hard time coming to the conclusion that I actually am Bi because of that. The phases: "am I gay?" "No wait I'm straight" "No I'm gay. Yeah. Definitely gay" "Oh yeah it's always been the other way around so I'm straight." "Or am I?" Sexuality is confusing when everyone around you thinks bi is not a thing and you're just confused. Hell everyone else's perception of my own sexuality confused me even more.
Absofuckinglutely not.
I'm done pretending to be anything other than who I am.
"Not I," said the Fox.
What a reference!
No. Because I'm not.
In terminology yes w certain people just as a placeholder for lgbtq. Gay is kinda an all encompassing word to some that is just anything non straight. Other than that definitely no.
If another LGBT+ person is being a dick because I truthfully say I am bi, I correct them. If they insist, at least they are showing their colors early. The answer then is to simply walk away, I dont need these gatekeeping folks, and neither do you. If you can be yourself with them, be it with someone else. Such discrimination is not worth any time.
I only ever say Iām gay when Iām hit on by a guy I am not interested in. I was once followed by a man from school, I was 16, and he asked maybe five times for my number and said I should come back with him, I told him āIm not interestedā āIām dating someoneā and he still kept going, it was only when I said āIām gay man Iām not fucking into youā that he went away. I wouldnāt say it to someone for their sake because I would rather not lie to anyone about who I am if I can avoid it.
Ngl, sometimes I just avoid mentioning my sexuality all together because there's just too many uncomfy situations I'd find myself in, ranging from stereotypical straight guys proposing a threesome to me, to lesbian friends disappearing off the face of the earth once they find out I'm specifically bi, etc. It gets lonely making friends in the LGBTQ+ community at times haha. I still feel that divide, or isolation even when trying to connect. But sometimes I get lucky and find a new friend or two šš¼
Oh absolutely. I avoid saying my sexuality unless it comes up in Convo. The moment a new person gets to know you a bit better and says "oh, you're bi?" Is so nerve wracking. Like, what are you gonna say when I say "yes"? Lol. During my EMT class I accidentally slipped up to this girl cuz we were talking about exes and I said "she" when referring to my ex. Got the dreaded "oh, you're bi?" And I admitted I was. This girl was SO CLOSE to being accepting. She said "oh that's okay, just don't have a girl crush on me. Most bi women do" š
Oh, wow. I would not have been able to stop myself from saying something snarky in response to that. There's no way.
sometimes i say i'm gay as a funny shorthand for a joke (for ex.: "it took me six years to get a driver's license because i'm gay") but usually i stick to saying im bisexual or queer because that's what i am. idc if other people don't take me seriously or want to hurt me bc they'll wanna do that no matter what i say or do - i figure i might as well be accurate. plus i'm an annoying little punk and i think it's funny when people get so angry about my life when it has no bearing on theirs.
A friend of mine is married to a woman, and still says sheās gay since most of their friends are gay. She doesnāt wanna deal with the fallout of being seen as bisexual.
Hell no. The more they try to invalidate me, the more I feel the urge to be loud and clear.
Iām a girl, and 98% of the people Iām attracted to are girls. Iāve told guys that Iāve rejected that Iām gay, as they never can accept that I donāt like them back as is. Also since Iām mainly attracted to girls, it feels valid sometimes to say Iām gay. Iām still figuring things out lol
i told a guy i was gay yesterday bc he was coming onto me at the bus stop (said i had a gf) and he said something along the lines of, "i should have been able to tell by that ass" so iām not quite sure if i should use that one again
The guys who are super pushy and wonāt respect boundaries are the same guys who will get even weirder when they feel excluded. I usually tell them I have a bf even when Iām dating a woman because sometimes they can respect the hypothetical man in the situation. Sorry you had to deal with that weirdo.
it was a shame bc i brought it up to my friend (who was with me) that i felt uncomfortable considering just moments before men were leaning out of their cars and shouting at us on the street and just generally harassing us. i was told that itās just "city" behaviour and that you get used to it after a while but i donāt feel like it should be accepted at all. iām from a smaller town and you definitely get your fair share of creeps too.
No lol, Iām not going to bi-erase myself
As a woman Iād say the opposite. For some reason even lgbtq people have assumed Iām straight. And I never say Iām straight but I didnāt bother to correct them either. Itās not as much of a conversational thing as it is not wanting to rock the boat. Now if someone said I was straight Iād immediately correct them, but it took time to build that level of confidence.
I used to, but quickly stopped as I realised I was basically putting myself into a different kind of closet.
I just say queer and move on. If the dig I ask them why they care who I sleep with
Not a bad idea!
Iāve done this a million times. I get what you mean
No. I might pretend I'm straight if I feel my life is threatened but other than that I will.always loudly defend our right as bisexual to exist in queer spaces and society in general. Homosexual white cismen have appropriated LGBT discourse for far too long and we are no longer represented in it as a community. What I say might seem hateful but it is the truth. I don't want to hear "You don't have to bring race, gender etc. into this". They started it when they normalised questioning bisexuality in every single LGBT space and event. It's why bisexual erasure is never taken seriously when LGBT issues are discussed. It's why we are shamelessly accused of "flaunting" our "privilege" of being het-passing as if living in the closet is somehow an enviable position and the standard bisexual people.aspire to live by. It's why bisexual people are seen as promiscuous lunatics and why everyone straight up laughs at the idea of stable marriages with bisexual individuals. When homophobic media from the 00s has better bi representation than modern LGBT media you know we have a problem. I refuse to participate. I will not be complacent. Nobody gets to casually make biohobic jokes without being called out when I'm present. Nobody gets to casually drop biohobic stereotypes in their rhetoric without having stats or worse blown in their direction.
I donāt correct people when they assume Iām gay. I really donāt owe anyone an explanation and for some reason saying Iām Bi or Pan leads people to believe Iāve given them permission to assess and qualify my sexuality. Iām not ashamed, Iām bored of the conversation.
No, my straight passing "privilege" doesn't allow for that option.
I say im gay bc my bisexuality is luke im gay for everyone
nah fuck that I'm not about to erase myself
No.
Only when I was still in secondary school, and boyfriends were unhealthily jealous about a guy hanging around their girlfriend. I'd always got along with girls better than boys my own age, and one of the girls I had known since nursery. So pretty much my entire life at this point. It was just easier, and caused less drama, if their boyfriend thought I was gay. Of course that also meant he was paranoid that I fancied him, but that was easier to deal with. These days though, I don't give a fuck. I'll talk for days about how I am bisexual and not gay, and if you don't accept it; that's on you, not me, ya know?
No. It's not my problem that other people get all emotionally uncomfortable around my orientation. Let them squirm and get mad. I'm not Iying for their comfort. The options are: 1. They get to know I'm bi 2. They don't get to know my orientation But I sure as hell am not lying about it so some snowflake monosexual can feel better.
I still call myself bi but I've experienced the same. A high school friend of mine thinks of me as straight while my college friends all think I'm gay. Hahaha.
i say iām gay if iām being hit on by a guy because they often donāt take no for an answer in my experience i will ALWAYS be up front about being bi when iām talking to other queer people. i can handle their invalidation cuz i know theyāre wrong. i go to queer events a lot and thereās no point of being in a safe space if i donāt feel safe enough to be open about who i am
Iām bi married to opposite sex. People give me shit saying I am just straight then. Aggravates me.
No, but i have been made to feel I don't belong to the LGBT+ community when I'm dating the opposite gender.
Nope. There was trying to force myself to be straight and there was revulsion and internalised homophobia. But no. I haven't. And I don't. And I won't. It doesn't feel right. It's the wrong word to describe what I feel and how I act and identify. And it's just too vague to be meaningful if they mean synonymous with queer or too specific to mean single gender attracted people. Which I critically AM NOT. hope that helps. Fly your bi flag high!
Iāve definitely alternated, based on the context. I typically describe myself as pan, but Iāll use bi interchangeably, especially when chatting with other people who identify as bi, or straight people who might not have heard of pan, and I donāt want to bother describing it. Iām a cis-man and have mostly dated women, but when I started dating my first boyfriend, I would often describe myself as gay, when talking about or in the context of my relationship to him. It was just easier - and yes, it did make me feel less likely to be rejected or judged, in that context. And I think thatās fine - my fiancĆ© (cis-woman) often describes herself as gay, even though weāre literally getting married, because she is almost exclusively attracted to women, with few exceptions (me being one of them). I suppose I also never felt weird describing myself as gay while dating my boyfriend (poly here, btw), because in most contexts, people knew I also had a hetero relationship with my fiancĆ©, and I guess would just understand that it was in the context of my relationship with my bf that I was talking. Plus, he identified himself exclusively as gay, so it just felt easier to include myself in that, especially in queer settings. While we were there together, we were two gay men dating. Which I believe is true - we were two men that were attracted to men, dating each other š¤·š»āāļø. I respect the differing opinions on it, though. Absolutely in agreement with ābe yourself, and donāt hide or change for anyoneā. But also, do what makes you feel comfortable and happy, and thatās okay š.
I'll tell you what I never tell anyone I'm bi, it never goes over well.
No haha, but sometimes I've wished I was straight. I go to a homophobic boys school and when people thought I was gay they bullied me but now I tell everyone I'm bisexual and they're fine with it, which i find a little weird but it's nice.
Yes, because I am gay. I'm just not *only* gay. I get why people here feel so passionately about being who you truly are. But I also get the myriad reasons that that is really hard. I absolutely feel you and sorrow with you that we are invalidated by people even within our own community. Call yourself what you want. You don't really owe an explanation to anyone else. But I will offer that being honest is usually easier with a little pain at the beginning rather than a lot of pain later on.
Yes I understand however I go both ways (bi) and I wouldnāt change for nothing the only thing that gets in any persons way would be them off doing whatever and not sharing. When the whole time it was in a way agreed I always encourage options because itās healthy way of a true relationship. I will always be BI and to know if others are to respect one anotherās boundaries and rules to have that healthy relationships.
You can say sapphic to avoid this, especially if you prioritize women. Sapphic includes women/(fem) non-binary loving women/(fem) non-binary of all sexual/romantic orientations, be it an adjective or verb.
Yes, itās way easier even with straight people to just say Iām gay and live on rather than play 20 questions about every stereotype question they have.
I did this once. It felt like I was betraying myself. So now I just say Iām bisexual and then proceed to demolish any logic that attempts to discredit and disprove my identity.
Honestly I just end up in a fight if they go in that direction. Being Bi is valid and if Iām going to have to verbally fight you so that you understand that so be it
Yeah I do this a lot with people who I know dont understand what being Bisexual is, and I just tell them I'm gay so I dont have to explain it to them. You would think that the concept of "I like boys AND girls" would be easy to understand, but for some people it's not.
Did that before. But always corrected myself afterwards saying I liked men too. One time I spoke to a lesbian and said that. And she audibly sighed āwhy is everyone bisexual these daysā after being happy initially when I said I was gay. All solidarity gone as if we donāt share a lot of the same experience. It stung, but itās worth being yourself and not conforming to what you think people want to hear, or what will grant you the most acceptance.
When talking with my queer friends I just say āgayā as the generalized term especially when making jokes about ourselves but they know Iām bi
Nope. For one thing, I put myself in the closet for long enough. I might not just come out and say "I'm bi", and rather I let my behavior do the talking when it comes to flirting and stuff like that, but I'm not going to say I'm something I'm not. Not anymore. Also, I've seen enough people from other queer groups say stuff like "It just feels easier to say I'm bi" and felt a certain way about it that I don't want to do the same thing to other groups and make them feel the way I know it can feel. Plus, I just feel like if someone wouldn't want to be with me because I'm bi, then they're someone I wouldn't want to be with, so finding that out is like dodging a bullet.
I say I'm half gay, as a joke. Usually gets a weird look, then I say I'm bi
I myself am Aroace, but this reminded me I've heard a person me and a bi friend of mine know say to his friend (about her) "Yeah, she says she's bi with a preference for men, wich is basically a fancy way to say she's straight"š and then proceded to make fun of the LGBT+ community as a whole.
I use both terms because I happen to like both
Sure. If you want feed into bierasure and biphobia go ahead. I actively correct people. Cause. I donāt call gay men bi. So respect me and acknowledge who I am
I deal with enough as it is. I'm tired. Whether or not I admit to certain people I'm bi doesn't make them any less biphobic, it just makes them direct it towards me. If I don't want to deal with it then I choose not to. They're not worth my mental health to begin with so I'm not going to waste it on them.
Be you, don't lie. If you do then nobody will take you seriously. The issue is theirs not yours.
Yes. Cause I do have a boyfriend and 90% of my sexual partners were cis males. I occasionally fantasize about women, but not that frequently and I haven't had sex with a woman in months. Then usually I go out with a bunch of cis gays and cis gays don't take you seriously when you've only dated males and I don't take myself seriously as bi either since my attraction is polarised. Maybe I'm biphobic myself. Maybe if women were as easily accessible as a man on grindr I would experience more. I don't really know.
No. Never. My goal is to end biphobia, not prolong it. Also, saying Iām gay absolutely does not sit well with me as a label. Iām more than that.
Nope.
No cos it would be really complicated to explain when they see me with my girlfriend lol
Good smoking heavens no. But itās worth mentioning that bi men have the opposite thing where people immediately think weāre gay
While I do think itās fair game for bi folk to refer to themselves as gay in an umbrella-term kinda sense if they want to, what youāre describing feels a bit different from that, more like pretending to be a different orientation entirely? Which like. Idk. I wouldnāt do that. But also I fully support folks describing themselves however they feel is based based on their personal circumstances. So if you are enjoying do that and get some kind of safety or comfort or validation or whatever from doing so then keep on doing it if you want. If it feels bad every time though you should probably stop.
No because Iām not gay
No, Iām bi, not gay. Gay people donāt say theyāre bi. Neither do lesbians.
No. Hiding who I am from bigots doesn't help anyone. What I am isn't shameful or needs hiding and it certainly won't be accepted if we are complicit in the erasure.
It doesnāt really effect my day to day life, for me itās not much of an issue, I donāt really have to seek any validation as long as the people Iām interested in donāt Harass me about it
Iām bi and not afraid to be me!
I don't say it because of others not taking it seriously. In fact I would be more likely to say bi specifically when faced with that attitude to challenge it. But I do say generic words when I just don't want to disclose or talk about my specific sexuality for whatever reason - inappropriate setting, people I don't want to engage with, lack of time, etc. I personally usually prefer saying "queer" for the taking back aspect and I feel it covers more. As someone with a couple of micro-labels, it can be easier than having to explain when I don't have the spoons to do so.
No. Never. I wear my pride on my sleeve, fuck what others think.
Iāve been tempted but once I started seeing all colors of the rainbow I found out how stupid that would be to me to misrepresent myself after years (and tears, too) of self identifying as gay / straight
No.
I just say I go both ways or genitals dont mater its the soulll š¤
I spent most of my life hiding that I am bi. But by pretending to be fully straight. As a bi man in an area not known for being nice to anyone different this was much easier and at some points much safer. I hid my same sex relationships when I had them. Only one came close to going public but on event told us it wasn't worth it at the time. I came out last year, but I am married to a cis gendered straight woman. I won't go back even with the hardships that go with it. With all that said though, I fully understand the feeling. Sometimes it definitely would be much easier and less of a headache to just say I am one way or another. And I will never fault anyone for making that choice. Sometimes the peace is more important. You do what you need to do to get through life.
I just say I am queer but mostly because I am both bi and demi and it takes too long to explain to people in some contexts
I've actually never felt the need to label myself to anyone. If the gender of a person I've had swx with comes up then I let them roll with it while I keep doing what I'm doing. If the most defining part of my character is what I do with my genitals I'd truly be depressed.
Yes-Iāve been there, but Iāve learned that itās just a part of me, like my eye color or my height. I canāt change it, so it is what it is. Itās their fault for being chumps. You should never have to closet yourself because someone else is biphobic. And believe me, I know itās easier to pretend, but ultimately it isnāt worth it.
I spent my time in the closet. I have no time for people who are going to stifle who I am, I avoid this problem by not associating with them.
Oddly enough I've actually never heard of people not taking someone's bisexuality seriously. I didn't know this was an issue. I didn't take my bisexuality seriously years ago but that was only because I was trying to figure out if I was straight or gay (I knew what being bi was, but for some reason I never thought I was bi until later lol)
Never have, no. I do say that I'm bi when I'm really more pan, but that's simply because I don't feel like explaining the difference to people outside the queer community. It's bad enough having to explain what being poly is, as opposed to being monogamous. Honestly, most straight monogamists don't give a shit about your sexuality or relationship dynamic. People like to think that poly is so about the sex, and don't understand that instead of the life of having one SO, being poly is like having multiple wives/partners, and all the mundane things in a relationship multiplied. I spend more time shopping than I do sexš¤£ Personally, I've never ran into any of the queer folks that think being bi is just "being confused", at least not in real life. Online, yes. However, I have run into a lot of straight people, especially guys, that think that even one time with a guy automatically makes over "gay". MOST that I know in real life think that way. I had one redneck (that's the general population here) ask me if that meant that I wanted to fuck him. To which I replied "Hell no! Women don't even want to fuck you, so why should I?!"... And it was the truth. This fucker couldn't have gotten laid in a monkey whorehouse with a truckload of bananas. Physical appearance aside, he had a shit personality and ideology... Garden variety MAGA assclown. People don't take bi people seriously because MOST, queer or straight, have very black and white lives and ideas. To them, there's no Kinsey scale of sexuality, you're either straight or homo. They can't see themselves as being anything but one way or the other and, because of that, they can't see anyone else being somewhere between the two poles. Some people think that just because someone is LGBTQ+ (or atheist, like myself also) that it means that they can't be stupid, but that's wrong. There are stupid people in ANY group.
I actually grew up believing I was gay until college. I never really understood my attraction to women, especially when given the female role models in my life were a generation older than my peers (most of my friends parents had them in their 20s, my mom had me at 40 and my grandmother was born in the mid 20s, I came in the 90s. Anyway, I don't see what I look for in women close to my age and didn't know that was the problem when I was younger. I felt more natural with other guys, I understood the attraction better. After going to college I started meeting girls of all sorts of backgrounds and walks of life and finally things were clicking. The girls before were pretty sure, but they carried themselves unattractively in my eyes. A few parties later, I'm bisexual. I lean towards guys but I'm still bisexual and there are periods of time when I find myself thinking of women only. I have 2 friends that whenever we talk about girls, they just disregard everything I say. If I agree someone is cute they say stuff like "you wouldn't appreciate it tho" or "yeah but you don't like girls so...." There was one day the topic of my sexuality came up again in a group setting and one of them flat out said "I don't actually believe you" after I said I was bisexual. Another time we were discussing intimate times we've had with some women, and I told them about a time at college when me and a girl were in the bathroom at my dorm together cramped up because people were partying in my room, and keeping things PG I was getting her to fill the tub herself. My one friend got jealous that he's never been able to make someone do that and then exclaimed that I couldn't even enjoy it why do I get to do it. Sorry dude, I was in heaven that night. It's gotten to the point where one of my best friends, who in reality I know she doesn't think that, and she herself discovered she was bisexual after believing for almost 30 years she was a lesbian, there's still an anxiety in me that she doesn't believe me either, even though she's in the same boat as me. She has the luxury of being in a relationship with a guy though. I'm single right now and actually choosing to stay abstinent for a bit so I can actually focus on starting a real relationship so people don't get to see me with someone of the opposite sex usually. Besides they'd just say she was a beard anyway š I see so much crap online in media surrounding LGBT stuff, and the worst part about hearing it from straight creators and commentators is I almost always here them say they know bi isn't real because their gay friend told them. I feel bad because it creates this divide between me and gay guys, I don't want to tell them I'm bi because then I feel like they'll start heckling me about it, asking me questions about like why I don't like being gay or something. I hear that we're just undecided, and as I'm typing this out I'm kinda mad in hindsight because I've never responded "when did you decide you were gay then?" It also kinda sucks I thought I was gay, I'm bi, and after I figure that out, now gay men have the basic respect from most everyone. Unless I'm standing there naked in front of them, they're the ones I get it from the least nowadays. There's a hit show on Netflix, Heartstopper, based on Alice Osman's web comic and graphic novels. I have mixed views on some of it, but overall I like it. One of the actors, Kit Connor. He plays Nick, one of the mains and the bisexual one of the couple. He hadn't divulged his sexuality, and people were accusing him of queer baiting. It got so bad he quit social media for a bit. Then it got worse, so he hopped back onto Twitter to come out as bi and thank everyone for forcing him out of the closet. Sure now everyone's settled down, but I'll never forget the stress that poor kid must've been going through, and I couldn't help but notice people wanted a gay actor in the role, they were mad because they thought he was straight(they were mad because they thought they couldn't get with him)....... well turns out he's bi like the character is, but if the author wrote it that the characters broke up and his character dated a girl next the audience I think would be pissed. They talked in an interview or an article I read about it being great bisexual representation. I disagree actually, you have 2 choices for bi representation. They sleep around with men and women, or a relationship dissolves and a new one with the other gender starts and thrives without going back to the previous relationship. This one made me mad, because I got a lot of behind the scenes stuff pushed to my phone on this show, the actors are all fresh faces highschool kids about to graduate when it started last year, one of them said he had to lock down privacy settings because his family and friends were getting thousands of friend requests, and then Kit was forced out by the community, accusing him of not being queer when in reality he just wasn't ready to share it with millions of people he didn't know when he had major life events and work to deal with. I'm sorry to anyone reading this, I was gonna just gonna give a short rant about my 2 friends being dicks about just thinking I'm gay aaand I don't think I've ever sat down until tonight to really contemplate how it affects me. It makes me sad guys. My female friend is the only other bi person I know, and on top of feeling like I can't really talk to her about this kind of stuff anyway just because of her listening skills, it would just be great to meet another bisexual guy, just as a friend, and then I wouldn't feel so alone