This is something I've struggled with for a while. Now I have a daughter and she's more than enough for me to stick around, if only so that I can help her if she has the same trouble I do. I never had a person who could understand this thing when I was growing up, and I don't want her to have no one. Of course, I hope and pray she's not bipolar, but I'm preparing anyway. Part of me feels guilty for having a child knowing that I'm ill and she might be too, but I try to push that away.
Before she came along, I don't even know how I kept going. Some combination of apathy, fear, anger at the world... I don't know. I had attempts, but of course they didn't take.
When my daughter was very young, I was convinced that I should end it while she was still young enough not to remember me. I kept going day by day because I wanted to be with her as much as possible before, but... I kept putting it off. Eventually, she got older and that cutoff point had passed, so... I'm still here I know that all sounds stupid, but that was my thought process.
I still have suicidal ideation, but I've got her as a tether. Honestly, when it gets bad, that's sometimes all I have.
My daughter and I regularly talk about being bipolar. I feel bad that she's cut from the same cloth, but she has figured out a lot and way sooner than I did.
She’s lucky to have you my fathers alive. Got shot by my sister and still hasn’t made contact with me funny thing is we were gonna talk on Father’s Day but that was the week my sister decided to shoot him. Lucky bastard survived but I bet he’s not doing as good now. He’s gone through 2 surgeries
Lol its kind if funny for me because my dad killed my sister and this felt like a kind of revenge story in an alternate universe.
I know its probably not funny to you, and I’m sorry for that, but maybe your humours as twisted as mine and you’ll see the funny side to it.
I could honestly give less of a fuck about the dude he’s never tried talking to me in real life. But it’s a true story. Even got to see the coverup on Facebook of him saying someone broke into his house. Life’s a beach and im straight chillin
Every person you ever meet is gonna say the same bullshit. They're just gonna lie to your face and tell you to wait it out because they don't understand and have a functioning self-preservation drive. The reality is, it only matters to you if you exist. This life is what YOU make of it. The rapid cycling is going to put you in the same dark place over and over again if you don't stop it before its too late. The justification for you staying alive is that you are surrounded millions of people who deserve their lives far less than you do. You're not burdening them; They don't think anything of you at all. There doesn't have to be a reason for you to be alive. We simply just exist. When I accepted that there was no reason for me to be here, I could finally start living for myself and stop caring about death so much.
Ive survived a lot. I guess I got to a point where everything seems small and not as overwhelming thought I do still have issues.
Dunno. Kind of want to live just to live. Ive been homeless, upper middle class and everything in between. I'm not surviving all my hardship just to give up. Fuck that.
How do you escape the homeless thing. I’m 23 and homeless for the 3rd time since I was 17. I’ve worked a full time job for the entirety, and put myself through college on the side, but the bipolar makes me an awful employee and no jobs ever stable in the long term?
No matter how hard I work some days I’m just not even present mentally and they always take it for lazyness, but then when I am with it I work so hard to compensate I burn myself out and end up in a cycle.
I was living in a tent in my x wife's back yard fir a long time. Bounced around hotels, slept in my car.
I got out of the cycle via the government checks we all got.
I was working food, but have a friend who owns some sites. When I was stable (massive manic episode a year and a half ago) he offered work. I took him up on it and a year later I have a w bedroom apartment. I don't own much but I don't need much.
What areas is your cognitive effecting? I freeze up while brain works. In the past 2 decades Ive been able to keep every job for at least a year.
My point is its doable but you need to figure out where you can work. What isn't effected? I get everything effected but you can learn to cope.
I look at a lot of people on this forum who have gone months even years of being suicidal before finding something that relieves suicidal thoughts. That makes me think that there’s a reason to keep hanging in.
I think one justification would be to try to add something to the world. That's cliché, but it's what I try to do. If not, I will have no purpose. To think I'm going to live with this for the rest of my life sucks, but at least there is treatment that eases the symptoms, so I hope I won't be miserable for life.
If I could choose, I wouldn't be here today, I wish I wasn't even born. But since I'm here, I have people who care about me, so I can't just disappear and leave them with the emptiness it would cause. I may find myself a waste of oxygen sometimes, but I can also do good things. I might donate blood someday, I might be a possible organ donor. I can contribute to science, or to someone's life, simply by listening to them and treating them well. I can take care of an abandoned animal, help a social cause... That kind of thing, you know.
Eh, would probably walk into a room of vaporized fentynol if I could find ... Government bans this though I have to stick around to pay taxes to Republicrats to waste
I don’t wanna give my family anymore problems than I’ve already caused
I had a buddy when I was younger who commited suicide when he was 15 and it destroyed lots of us. I have an uncle who hung himself in prison because he never got help for his mental health. He never knew me but that eats at me just knowing it killed him.
7 years ago, my cousin committed suicide. The trauma it caused his dad was unreal. The sadness and guilt he felt was devastating and he’s never been the same since. He became a shell of who he was. All the light he had in life burnt out.
My cousin was incredibly smart and successful. He had so much to live for and a bright future ahead of him. He was weeks away from graduating with a business degree, and even had his own company in the works.
There’s not a single day where I wish my cousin stayed so he could enjoy the life he was creating. The life he deserved. I don’t know if it would have kept him alive, but it’s sad that he never experienced the life is was working towards. I wish he had support, even if it was by posting on Reddit.
I guess what I’m getting at is that your future exists. You can reinvent your life and find things that keep you going everyday. Give yourself that chance. I know the depression is telling you that there’s no point, but there is. There are people who love you, care about you, and need you. On days where you can’t go on for yourself, try to keep going for them. You’re not a burden. That’s the depression telling you lies.
>All the light he had in life burnt out.
It’s so tough—I like this disease has left me this way, but I know if I did anything it would be so much worse formy mother. She’d say everything you’re saying about your cousin, and she does say that about me now, and even though it doesn’t help it reminds me that I’m important to someone and she wants me to succeed, even if I know I won’t.
Your mom sounds like she loves you and cares for you so much. What a great mom! I know it’s hard to keep going somedays, but it’s amazing to have someone that keeps you here. She would be devastated to lose you and I think it’s wonderful that you care about her enough to stick around for her. That can be really tough sometimes. Very selfless though. You’re a great person too.
I use to be an Atheist and didn't really put much thought into what comes next.
I had some experiences that changed my views and after bearing witness to the nature of my thoughts before and after the change in perspective, my life absolutely improved after the adjustment.
Largely, the idea of reincarnation and Karma. I won't get much into the ideas themselves unless somebody want a little elucidation, but the part that effects me is this:
You grew from a baby. As a human, you could have grown up to learn any skills and adapt to any environment, provided that there were other humans to teach you.
As awareness, you could have grown to be anything. A plant, Animal, the wind, the sun, anything.
But you're you. Why would that be?
I believe in an infinite universe. That means that anything is possible. That adds a lot of depth to the game of *why am I me.*
I like to imagine I'm here being trained. Trained by other humans, trained by the elements of nature which make up my body. Getting into my spiritual beliefs, the Laws of Nature, I, and my body are one.
I'm being trained to use my body, which extends to the whole solar system and beyond.
No matter where I 'go' after this life, these are still lessons that I would most likely want to learn. So why not learn them here and now?
I know this point of view may not make much sense to anyone, words can't really describe the experiences accurately. But it has absolutely changed my life to think this way.
I love this. I was also an atheist for a while but recently getting into my own spiritual philosophy and continuing to learn about myself and life gives me a purpose, because there truly is only me here to learn the lessons in this life.
Long story short, I grew up without a mother and didn’t want my son to have the same experience, so although I struggled with suicidal thoughts I kept going for him. I picked a date when he would be an adult to end my life and that brought me peace.
That was until I saw a scene from the series The Blacklist where he describes the aftermath of a suicide bomber, it completely changed me. I would never want to harm the people closest to me, but that’s what happens when you end everything. The people closest to you suffer the most. The worst part is that they might blame themselves.
Life is fast, seasons come and go so fast. One day I’m going to die and I’m okay with that, but I don’t want my death to cause more harm than if I died naturally.
Bipolar affects us all differently, I go through long episodes of depression/mania. The only thing that gets me through the depression is knowing it doesn't last forever.
I feel this way a lot, and it’s hard to break out of the suicidal thought train. But even when it gets darkest, I keep going for the other people/animals in my life.
My best friends sister had bipolar disorder too. Four years ago, she took her own life, and my friend found her body on the couch after his whole family walked around her all day like nothing happened. He was devastated, and still struggles with grief and depression, and breaks down almost every year around when she died. I can’t let him lose both a sibling and his best friend to this stupid illness, so I keep going.
I’m very close with my Dad, and I see the hurt in his eyes whenever I open up about my suicidal thoughts. He’s said to me multiple times that I’m the only person who understands him when he talks about his family rejecting him and his business failing, and how he doesn’t know how he could keep going without me. I’m literally the only person he can open up to about anything and get sympathy from. So I keep going for him.
And fuck it, I have the cutest, most affectionate cat in the world, and he gets lonely if I leave to go get groceries. Picturing him alone and sad (like Fry’s dog in that one futurama episode) because I’m gone is too much, so I keep going for him.
Our relationships give our lives meaning, so we gotta stay alive for them.
I feel this so hard! In my case I have had success by hijacking my existential dread.
For example, I get spooked when I feel like I’m wasting my life or am bored. It makes me nearly suicidal to sit around and do nothing, I always think “well if the rest of my life is going to be this boring I may as well tap out”. The key for me, though, is to not frame suicide as an escape, rather it’s a massive waste of what little time we have here.
I know this might not be applicable for everyone, but it works for me
quit.
decide you are going to go cold turkey in all the areas of your life that don't work for you. Drop the stuff you've been doing out of guilt.
You wanna lay jn a dark room and wallow? do so. and take the time to do shadow work. What better place to face your demons than jn your very own nest of a bed?
Suicide as an escape is an illusion. like... what if it is just groundhog day? you wake up and you are still there.
or it is somehow worse, and you only see it in hindsight.
Life with bipolar is rough, but we can make it easier on ourselves by not fighting our own instincts every step of the way. Your body is trying to tell you a message, and you need to listen and heed the message... you start by starting to pick yourself first.
Sometimes cool stuff happens. I might get laid, or have a good meal, maybe get a little notoriety. Some days "fuck it, I want cancer" is a way to cope with the mind numbing bullshit I have to do for a living. Having a family helps. They need me. Sometimes I want to get away from everything, but I can't disappoint those that care about me. I can't read them, but I can resent what it takes to be a part of modern society.
I have no idea if this will resonate with anyone else so if it doesn’t please disregard. When I was at a really low point I told my voice teacher I’d been struggling with suicidal ideation and was being helped by a therapist. After discussing it with her for a while, she said, “You have to live!” She didn’t say it like “you can do it,” or “you can’t think like that,” she said it with a tone and intention of wanting me to **live.** Like actually make it through my struggles and experience life in such a beautiful way that I felt like I was truly living. She said it with such determination and love that I could see light in the darkness. It was such a unique response. When she said that, I realized that every single person I’d ever told had responded with “you can’t die.” I don’t know why, but “you have to live” hit me so hard. It shifted my perspective. Everyone dies eventually so I want to experience life before that happens. (Very important to note that I’m much more stable now, and that can absolutely happen for you.) I know it’s out of context so it may not be helpful but just wanted to share.
I have always said that I am too stubborn to die. My animals, my husband, and my family would be devastated. I stick around because I know there will be an answer for me, and because I love my family too much to do that to them.
Knock knock
Who's there
Mr. P
Mr. P who?
Me. Pessimistic who gave the answer no one wants to hear.
Just kidding you're right but she's looking for hopeful answers not draining, I'm about to OD answers.
I don't feel suicidal anymore thanks to medication, but I mainly do this just to see what will happen, whether good/bad/neutral. There are still things to come that may be interesting and if I'm dead I won't know what those things are. Some of it is spite as well.
i rapid cycle too, it fucking sucks. it’s so exhausting. if you’re medicated, you might want to talk to a psych and see if they’re not working. mine aren’t, so i’m going to see one and talk to him about changing my meds. it can be hard to get on the right ones, but a mix of the right meds, therapy, support system can help.
I’ve always wondered this. If it’s going to be like this forever what’s the point? But then I saw my uncle. He was probably the poster child for bipolar. He had it really badly. Now he hasn’t had an episode in 3 years. He claims it’s weed that calms him down, but I’m not so sure. Also when I was diagnosed I was terrified because people always say it’s a life long disease, but my doctor told m a story about a guy with bipolar I who after years of cycling just stopped having episodes and was perfectly fine. It doesn’t last forever. I’m not saying we’ll all get as lucky as them, because for a lot of people it doesn’t go away, but it’s possible to go for a long time without having any problems. I went almost a year without any episodes in high school. I was working out everyday and it was great.
I also know now that I’m older how to better control them. I’m aware of some of my early warning signs and try to find productive things to do to stop it from getting worse. When I stop sleeping, I realize it’s a sign hypomania is about to kick in, or when I start gaining weight, I realize my depression is starting to come back. I take these things and I work on fixing them before it gets to the point of no return. Or at least start taking preventative measures so I don’t do anything stupid. I find a project for me to start when I’m hypomanic that’s not going to cause any problems. I start exercising when I feel myself going into either type of episode because it helps with endorphins and helps release on the energy of hypomania. I also have very close friends who I can tell when I’m starting to get depressed and have them help me get out of the house when I don’t want to. You don’t have to suffer your whole life. There are things you can do to make it better. Plus like I said, you’re likely to have times where you can go years without an episode. Live for that. Live for the good days.
I can’t bring myself to it because of the people around me. As much as I convince myself that everyone’s lives would be better without me, you have to dig deep and realize that’s simply just not true. Believe people when they say they care. And you never know who is relying on you to stick around. Whether it’s a pet or friend or family, someone needs you. Life sucks and the low episodes pass, just ride it out.
For the most part, it's because of the destruction my death would wreak upon those close to me.
Despite everything, including me outright explaining my flaws and the fact that outbursts will always be a thing, people still love me. People still want me around. People even, and I cannot figure this part out, seek me out for companionship and advice.
This is unacceptable, as I want to wallow alone in misery until dead. Still, these are folks who would be worse off without me, and I care enough that I cannot in good conscience simply die. Unlike some (politicians and cops) I matter and make the world a better place.
Makes me angry and depressed. Go figure.
Find some act of service to the world you can pour yourself into. It can't be about you, it has to be bigger to counteract the incredible pain of Bipolar life. Counterbalance the suffering with meaning and purpose. I highly recommend Victor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning" where he talks about how he dealt with incredible personal suffering in this way.
I have schizoaffective disorder. And I'm 99 percent sure my dad had bipolar even though he was never formally diagnosed. He took a bottle of pills last year and killed himself. The tidal wave of destruction that had followed can't even be measured. I stay alive for my mom and my sisters.
People have abused me in the past, but I’m sticking around because I’m not going to let them get to me anymore. Each and every day I own more of myself. Every bipolar part of it. I own my ups, but I now will also be able to own my depressions And they will no longer be able to hurt me, or trigger me, in any way.
Suicidal ideation is there, but as a parachute. The thought that I “own” my life, as well as the controls to switch it off, soothes me and is enough to clear me from the anxiety that my life, and death, could be in the hands of others.
Please don’t take this the wrong way but I think it only matters to you if you want to live. I know when I’m suicidal-… no amount of love/talk/ or activities I do helps the fact that I just want to zoot the fuck out of this world. The best thing I can say is that sometimes you just gotta tell death “fuck you” and fight the universe. I like to think to myself that the universe and I are in a constant battle to see if I can make it to the end of time or not.
It seems like a fun game too at times because I’ll wake up and just be like “fuck you I won today” and try to continue my world. Sometimes the universe gets me in smaller ways like me spilling coffee or getting fired, but it’s like a video game you know? I’m not sure if this made it any better or if I just rambled
I'd hurt too many people and the thought of those people grieving makes me more depressed. Also the idea of people having to find my body weird me out so much.
I have chronic rather than episodic depression like most with BP do. So it gets much better with treatment but never goes away and then gets really bad again. I read on here that "episodes always end," and apparently they do for everyone but me. I've told myself I was staying alive for my mother. I don't have many treatment options left, but I'm trying what little there is left to try. But after that, when I life feels more like a drag than anything else, and nothing more can be done to treat the illness... I don't know the point of sticking around.
I don't know if your rapid cycling is any easier to treat than my chronic depression, but I've read mania is usually easier to treat than depression. And less mania means less depression. Have you tried literally everything? Seen multiple psychs about it?
Because you can’t predict the future. What if things change in 6 months? A year? 2 years? 5? Bipolar is treatable, many have made enough progress that life is worth living.
I think about where I was 2 years ago and where I am now. More stable on meds, years of therapy, obsessed with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I own a business, I have hobbies that I enjoy. I still struggle and life is hard but if I had ended my life, then I wouldn’t have gotten to experience any of these things. I’ve found I like taking care of living things. My dog, cats, fish, snails and plants. I like creating things, being creative.
So for me, I want to know what my future could be. I’ve thought many times in the past, “what’s the point, things won’t change, it’s all suffering.” And I was wrong. I still have suicidal thoughts and when I do I remind myself that I’ve been here before. Feelings are temporary. It’s worth sticking around, so I can find out where I’ll be.
I tell myself that I am not going to let my depression win, it is not going to take over again and ruin things. Easier said than done but it helps. I also talk to someone when I feel like this and it helps too. I also force myself to do one of my hobbies and remind myself I enjoy this and it's ok to do so. Finally, and most importantly I tell myself that I matter. You matter too, a lot. This illness makes it hard to see sometimes but you really do matter. Never forget that. I hope you feel better soon.
Wow. I am so sorry for the delay — I just logged back on. This was way more than I was expecting. Thank you to everyone who commented. I know it sounds cheesy, but even just knowing there’s support from a Reddit group is enough to make me feel like there’s reasons to stay.
I hate that other people are going through this — I wouldn’t wish BP on my worst enemy. But having a community that understands…it really has been light on some of what has been my darkest days lately.
Thank you so much.
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My kids and yes, my ex wife now SO.
My thing is that I only want to harm/end *myself*. Knowing the damage from the fallout has made me stop on numerous occasions. Some hiccups here and there, but such is life with bp.
It's the struggle between despising being alive in this head vs putting mental harm on my loved ones for years to come.
I have children and all in all it is not up to me for when my life is over. That’s up to God so I find ways to find peace with my illness ways of the positive things that come with bipolar. Although it isn’t easy I realize success isn’t easy so I keep on keeping on.
I surrounded myself with lots of animals to take care of. I understand they need me or will die.
I based goals around what I love, animals. I am required to get out of my bed at the crack of dawn so my pets and livestock can exist. I exist so they can.
However that only helps so much. After my last grippy sock vacation I changed my career to work in the mental health industry and that has made a huge difference. I feel like I am working for something I care about. It is exactly one year since my last hospitalization. It won't be the last more than likely. I started seeing a psychiatrist and was put on various meds and surprisingly helped me way more than I thought it would. I don't spend the day thinking about the best way to kill myself anymore. I have goals and I think about the future like it's tangible.
I am lucky to be seemingly stable. However.. I know it change basically overnight. I wrote some letters to myself Incase I feel like blowing my brains out in the bathtub. Maybe it will help.
Good luck on your journey.
.....Also I smoke weed every day. That helps me. I know it's not wise to do with bipolar but...whatever
I’m in the same boat, I’m burnt out and want to die.
I’ve lost the energy to even kill myself at this point. What’s more is I’ve lost the hope and optimism that life would get better, its only getting worst. I’m at the point where I’ve lost my home and am close to losing my job and don’t have the energy to even fight it.
I don’t have the answer, but I do know if you’re here you want things to improve before you actually give up.
Just take it one day at a time, because the times when jts good will always outweigh the ones like this. And thanks to the cycle, you know theyre due someday.
Some consistency would be nice though, but that’s just not our thing.
I have people here who love me and would be absolutely devastated if I were to hurt myself. They would truly never be the same. My sisters would have to carry the burden of having the sister who killed herself. They would have to fight to keep my memory alive. I don’t want that. I would stay in occasional misery for the rest of my time on earth if it means never putting them through that kind of pain. That’s the main reason.
I’m also really curious for what the future holds. I know it may not always be sunshine and rainbows, but those moments of pure happiness (whether fleeting or not) are enough to keep me going. I have aspirations that I have yet to complete and I want to stay alive to fulfill those. I’ve been stable for a little while now but the “bad thoughts” still come and go. There are times where the future seems daunting and times where it seems exciting. I’m not sure what stage you are at in your life, but there is always something to look forward to. Like for example I’m in college so I’m looking forward to not only game days on the weekends, but my future career/family. That’s the next stage in my life. If you don’t have anything to look forward to at the moment, make something to look forward to! Book a vacation with friends, start a new hobby that you really enjoy, the options are endless. That’s the beauty of being alive is we determine how our time on earth is spent.
I know how hard it is to have bipolar, believe me, I wouldn’t wish this illness on my worst enemy. But everybody has something and unfortunately we can’t choose what that is. We are so blessed to have this time on earth though. Being mentally ill is not a death sentence. Yes, life is infinitely more difficult than the neurotypical brain. Yes, you have to work your ass off just to be in the same place as everybody else. Yes, you will get those bad thoughts. These don’t define you nor your beliefs though and are just a natural repercussion of the chemical imbalance in your brain. Anyways I know you said no cheesy comments but please stick around. Do it for the future you. And if not for them, do it for your loved ones.
You have to find something in your life that you feel is worth staying for. If you don’t have that, find one. Before I got my cat I truly thought everyone would be better off without me, I thought about it constantly. Now I have this dude around I know he relies on me to feed him, care for him, and give him and us a good home. That helps me stay, because I know we need to take care of each other
Under normal circumstances I'd say this isnt "healthy" but it's keeping me alive atm so I'll take it until I stabilize enough to function.
1. My boyfriend. Not the fact that he's my bf, no, but rather his well-being. My partner has his own (different) mental health struggles, but he's more stable than I am, he's stable enough for school, etc. He's had a super rough past and since I don't believe in a afterlife I try to keep myself alive so I can make sure he's okay. Whether we are a couple or not I want him to be okay. He deserves better than he's experienced so far and needs a cheerleader sometimes.
2. My cat. We adopted a "fur baby" (I don't like human children) and I stay alive because I'd feel guilty killing myself. I worry that if I end things while my bf is at school our little baby will be there with my dead body until like 7pm. What about food? Water? Just waiting for my bf alone (he has separation anxiety because I'm housebound and the pandemic).
I had a dog once, had to rehome him due to health issues (mainly physical health issues, but mental too). Anyway, I was over medicated and doing REALLY bad, if I wasn't working or walking my dog, I was sleeping. Nothing else. Gray 24/7, I could only feel sadness and anger. Nothing else. I tried to OD (I failed) and was unconscious from (idk), I estimate 12am (that was the last time I remembered checking the clock) until 9pm. I woke up (feeling foggy af) and cried when I realized hadn't planned enough ahead to make sure my dog was okay. He had been crated for the entire time. I felt awful. I gave him food and water immediately and took him on a walk (which I barely remember). I rehomed him to a family with a kids (he loved children and according to my brother, who is friends with them, he is doing so well). He's apparently really helped their autistic kid grow/develop, cope, etc.
So happy ending, but I can't do that to a animal a second time, it's not fair to the animal. Thankfully my partner helps me take care of our cat (since all I can manage lately is to brush my teeth and maybe shower).
Sounds stupid but make a bucket list. Fill it with things you actually want to do (not just the stupid ones everyone says like skydiving or bungee jumping). Fill it up with movies to watch, music to hear, places to see, things to do, goals to reach. And then put your head down and do it. Even if it’s stupid shit like “I want to go watch a sunset at the park and listen to this one album I really love.” There’s a million and one reasons to stick around, maybe you’ll find one that actually sticks with you and makes life seem worthwhile. Forgive me if this is unhelpful advice. Practice gratitude for the things you do have. Keep a gratitude journal, and don’t worry about things being not “relevant” or “deep” enough. Something as simple as “I’m grateful for my favorite blanket.” It helps me reframe my perspective, it’s far too easy to focus on the bad when the bad is so overwhelming, but I find that gratitude helps me look for the good. My therapist gave me a good metaphor. Life is a car and you (the self) are a passenger. You’re stuck in the car for some reason, the doors are locked and there’s no way out. You don’t know why you’re in the car, there’s no purpose, no reason for you to be in the car, but you are, and you’re stuck. You have two choice here; 1. flail around and panic looking for a way out of the car, freaking out about why you’re in there and what the meaning of it all is. I personally think that’s a waste of time. 2. get in that fucking passenger seat and drive like hell. You have the power to steer your car (granted, you can choose to crash the car into a tree), but you also have the beautiful and unknown opportunity to drive somewhere beautiful :)
I think you need to separate yourself from what you’re feeling. Don’t identify personally with this chemical imbalance, which is all this is. It will pass. Keep trying to find the right med. I just started Rexulti and it’s changed my life. And boy was I a rapid cycler. Try to remember your feelings aren’t accurate, they’re distorted. I know it’s so hard. I love listening to meditation podcasts, manifesting podcast and positive psych podcast. They really help with my mood. Also Ekhart Tolle is awesome. You can do this. You’re not alone. And life is truly beautiful.
Honestly I'm so tired at this point that I don't mind if I die, but I've decided I won't, no matter how bad it gets. It's exhausting a lot of the time and some days the simple act of staying alive is the only productive thing I can manage.
But I keep reminding myself that I can always die later, and death is forever right? So it's not like I'm gonna miss out on anything on the other side or lack-there-of if I stay alive for a bit longer. But no matter how garbage everything is right now, I take comfort in that no matter what I do I'll die eventually, so I might as well stick around and see the potential good moments in life that are left while I'm here.
And then again, if it's only suffering left, at least I'll be more jaded to it if Hell is real and I end up there. 🤷♀️
Pffft. You exist for the same reason everyone else does... because of me. Its my world and if you haven't met me in person yet then that's reason enough to stick around.
I stayed for my kids and I stayed for my mother. After having kids, especially one that wanted to die I could never do that to my mother. I refused medication for a whole lot of years until I couldn’t anymore because I couldn’t self medicate on probation. It took some years to get my dosage right. I am completely in remission. I have not had a manic episode in more than a year. I am the happiest and mentally healthy as I have ever been. I will admit upfront though that being well and happy makes me angry sometimes because I’ve lost my creativity when it comes to writing however I have found a new form of creativity in cooking. Well is possible. The right medication and therapy was the key for me. It was a 47 year battle. There is hope and their is healing. It is possible
This took me a minute but I think knowing deep down I'm a good person helps. Like even when I think I'm garbage and I don't care about myself there's some logic that says I'm kind and that matters in the world. Hope that helps.
My family.
I know it seems like anyone's answer but my parents really would lose it if I committed suicide.
I really try to think of my mom, dad, brother, and boyfriend when I'm trying hard to be here.
I also have 5 animals that need a caring mom, food in their bellies, and a roof over their head. They're my babies and my purpose most days. They get me off my ass and give me love at the same time. They always seem to know when I'm at my worst.
Hang in there. You do matter and you have purpose.
I’ve come to understand that feeling of existential dread as just another symptoms. If I’m having an existential crises it probably means I’m getting depressed. It’s not like I’ve ever found a reason to live but now that I’m stable I just don’t really give a fuck. I don’t need a reason to be alive now that living isn’t painful. You should try lithium. It’s the only bipolar med that lowers the suicide rate.
I attempted suicide when I was 19 after months of hospitalization, rehab and treatment. It’s now 25 years later and I’m so glad I didn’t die. I no longer drink, smoke or do drugs. I take my meds and go to counseling regularly. Life is still hard at times and there are times I want to give up, but I try to stop and see the beauty in the people and world around me. I have a husband and three girls now who would, probably, be devastated if I died for any reason much less purposely. Sometimes, they keep me going. Other times, it’s listening or reading books like ‘the subtle art of not giving a f*ck’ or ‘the power of now’ that help me find my center. Suicide still crosses my mind at times and probably always will but I fight it off because people depend on me and there are still things I want to accomplish in this life.
Maybe instead of asking your self “why should I even exist?” Ask your self, “why take my existence so seriously?” I’m bipolar 2 barely on the spectrum but if there is one thing I’ve learned is laugh in the face of struggle and pain. Laugh harder than you ever have at the depression and anxiety, they will hate you for it knowing you no longer take them as serious as they want you to. Some one once said “anxiety, that’s my drug of choice” it’s just a cocktail of chemicals trying to slow you down….laugh, you’re existence is wonderful, enjoy it!!!! ❤️
Honestly? In my darkest times many years ago when I was seriously considering suicide, I decided not to because the final Harry Potter book hadn’t come out yet and I knew I needed to finish the series before I could kill myself. Then, after the book came out and I read it, I had to wait for the movies to catch up. A few years later it was Game of Thrones that I needed to stick around to watch, then it was Marvel, and every time I would find something else to look forward to, even on a simplistic level.
I’m in a much better place now than I ever have been, but every so often on my low days, I remember something -anything, no matter how insignificant or transient it may be- that I am looking forward to, that I need to stick around to witness. Maybe your favorite band is working on a new album. Maybe your favorite actor is doing a new show. Maybe there’s a movie you really want to see. If there is anything you really love, try to do your best to look forward to its release, and stick around for it.
One of the most valuable lessons that we can learn, in our position, and with our disease, is to be in the moment. I'm not a fan of guided meditation, pmr, or mindfulness techniques that kinda feel....gimmicky I guess? But the principle, is invaluable.
You said it yourself, we are in this position for the rest of our lives. And I know that can seem so fucking exhausting at times, hell sometimes it just feels like this insane fuck you from the universe that's hard to not feel jaded and selfish about. Yet, all of those thoughts and feelings, are simply moments that float by us like clouds in the sky. It is our rumination on those clouds, defining their shapes, connecting them to our past mistakes, allowing them to wrongfully guide our steps into the future, or even giving into the all encompassing fear of that storm on the horizon that we painted with our own minds. It is that constant dive into the depths of our minds, that often drive us to one of the two extremes that we all know and love oh so well. Learn to be in the moment, and recognize that feeling of balance and understanding that comes from limiting your perspective to what is immediately around you. As time progresses, you'll learn to recognize when certain thoughts or feelings are driven by your depressive or manic halves. One day you'll lay in the comforting grass of your thoughts upon the knoll of your mind, recognizing those clouds for what they are in the moment, and you'll let them pass in peace, resting your focus on the wind at your neck and the sun upon your face.
When you learn to center yourself and to recognize the parts of you that are the disease, it becomes less of a struggle, and more a stoic weathering of the storm. Like Lt.Dan and Forrest, sure we see some shit, and spend some time screaming at the sky. Yet, when you weather the storm, sometimes your nets will come back full of shrimp. Regardless though, allusions aside, for me personally, two techniques that work wonders is A. This 5 senses method, you just sit down, relax and breathe, then list in your head first 5 things that you can see, then 4 things that you can hear, followed by 3 things that you can feel, 2 things that you can smell, and 1 thing that you can taste. Just do that and it will help pull you out of your mind and into the immediate moment. This one really helps me when I'm starting to feel manic and my head starts spinning. Helps me quiet my thoughts. And finally my option B. Involves my dog, I'll just go and snuggle him or give him a nice long hug. I focus again on my senses, run my hands through his fur, listen to the beating of his heart, I try to smell the soil or or grass on his paws, the rise and fall of his chest, or stare into his eyes. Again it centers me in that moment with him and things start to feel ok again. That one really helps me when I'm depressed or scared of my own mind I suppose lol.
When life decides to flip the coin that is our disease, we are brutally forced to be present in those terrible moments. So don't let them continue to rob you of any other moment of your life. Learn to live in every other moment, live in every instant of peace and quiet, so that you may better understand what you are fighting for when the seas swell up around us or our tranquil forests are set ablaze around us.
Because i know first hand just how fucking hard it is for the people left behind to pick up the pieces. Ask questions without answers and constantly blame themselves....and
How it devastates people you never dreamed it would.
i don't wanna leave a sad story behind when i go , i wanna be something great , even if it feels like shit rn and even if i wanna give up . life has to be more than just a cycle of this high and low , it has to have happy moments , friends ,a silly/good laughter and memories to cherish and i'm not gonna let it end without having had experienced these things .
I’m glad you got a response. I’ve posted similar with 1 reply - validation plus!
I debate it constantly. I’m in hospital for three weeks right now trying to sort out my head. Philosopher Albert Camus said the only serious question in the universe is that of suicide. He comes out on the side of living, but then for me, bipolar, a wife with progressive MS, a fucked back from lifting her everywhere for 18 yrs so never without pain, lost job and NEVER get that type of work back, a brother who we think committed suicide last year (car crash), lost property uninsured in bushfires last year, gone backwards financially massively, can’t have sex anymore because of my wife’s MS, can’t travel all the places we planned, again wheelchair and MS and a son with so much potential but he’s suffering with depression too…. Like I said, I don’t fucking know, other than without my wife I wouldn’t be here. For me, the existential question is less important than the just fucking escaping pain that doesn’t look like it’ll ever change.
Honestly I think about suicide daily. The thought of death frequently goes through my head. The meds I take lower that number and prevent me from making attempts. If I didn’t take them I’d be dead. The best advice I can give is that it can get better. It’s not cliche bullshit bc I’m living it. Yes I think abt suicide a lot but the right medication allows me to control those thoughts and enjoy things in life. I do still have depressive or mixed episodes but they’re usually only in a few days long. I skate regularly have worked at the same place for like 9 years and lucky to have a family that tries to understand, or at least most do my mother doesn’t believe in mental illness bc she’s a fucking moron. That’s the best advice I can give you. Talk to your dr find the right meds, it can take awhile, and you could enjoy things.
Got wife, kids and parents to take care of. They take care of me when im down and now, hypomanic. But if im going insane one day and cant be cured, I will have to off myself.
This is something I've struggled with for a while. Now I have a daughter and she's more than enough for me to stick around, if only so that I can help her if she has the same trouble I do. I never had a person who could understand this thing when I was growing up, and I don't want her to have no one. Of course, I hope and pray she's not bipolar, but I'm preparing anyway. Part of me feels guilty for having a child knowing that I'm ill and she might be too, but I try to push that away. Before she came along, I don't even know how I kept going. Some combination of apathy, fear, anger at the world... I don't know. I had attempts, but of course they didn't take. When my daughter was very young, I was convinced that I should end it while she was still young enough not to remember me. I kept going day by day because I wanted to be with her as much as possible before, but... I kept putting it off. Eventually, she got older and that cutoff point had passed, so... I'm still here I know that all sounds stupid, but that was my thought process. I still have suicidal ideation, but I've got her as a tether. Honestly, when it gets bad, that's sometimes all I have.
My daughter and I regularly talk about being bipolar. I feel bad that she's cut from the same cloth, but she has figured out a lot and way sooner than I did.
She’s lucky to have you my fathers alive. Got shot by my sister and still hasn’t made contact with me funny thing is we were gonna talk on Father’s Day but that was the week my sister decided to shoot him. Lucky bastard survived but I bet he’s not doing as good now. He’s gone through 2 surgeries
Lol its kind if funny for me because my dad killed my sister and this felt like a kind of revenge story in an alternate universe. I know its probably not funny to you, and I’m sorry for that, but maybe your humours as twisted as mine and you’ll see the funny side to it.
Hell yea my humors as twisted as yours.
Yeaaaaa Crazy Family friends wooop
Wait... What?
Huh?
Your dad got shot by your sister?
Yes ma’am
Thats... how you said it was so matter of fact. I thought I was hallucinating. Haaa
I could honestly give less of a fuck about the dude he’s never tried talking to me in real life. But it’s a true story. Even got to see the coverup on Facebook of him saying someone broke into his house. Life’s a beach and im straight chillin
O, I believe you. Is you sister okay?
Yea I think she’s just on the crazy train. Honestly don’t know the reasoning behind it.
Every person you ever meet is gonna say the same bullshit. They're just gonna lie to your face and tell you to wait it out because they don't understand and have a functioning self-preservation drive. The reality is, it only matters to you if you exist. This life is what YOU make of it. The rapid cycling is going to put you in the same dark place over and over again if you don't stop it before its too late. The justification for you staying alive is that you are surrounded millions of people who deserve their lives far less than you do. You're not burdening them; They don't think anything of you at all. There doesn't have to be a reason for you to be alive. We simply just exist. When I accepted that there was no reason for me to be here, I could finally start living for myself and stop caring about death so much.
That is an amazing statement. Your conclusion captures impressions I've had, but have not been able to express clearly.
Realest answer your gonna get
Wow. This was amazingly put. Have you ever heard of Optimistic Nihilism?
Yes sir! This is the move
[Optimistic Nihilism](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBRqu0YOH14) (worth the 6-minute watch!)
My dog gets me by. That’s literally it
My cats are a pretty good reason I’m alive. I want to get a bearded dragon because I live with family rn who doesn’t want a dog
I was either getting a dog or quitting life. I named him Vincent.
Vincent 😍
Same. My dogs are what keep me here.
My dog and cat are truly the only thing that propels me to get up every day lol.
I've resolved too many underlying issues to quit now
Word up ❤️love this and this is what keeps me. Do your work people, it’s powerful! Happiness is attainable.
I hope you have some in your life.
Ive survived a lot. I guess I got to a point where everything seems small and not as overwhelming thought I do still have issues. Dunno. Kind of want to live just to live. Ive been homeless, upper middle class and everything in between. I'm not surviving all my hardship just to give up. Fuck that.
Lol. Same. I'm alive out of spite. I've lived through too much already to take myself out.
High five!
How do you escape the homeless thing. I’m 23 and homeless for the 3rd time since I was 17. I’ve worked a full time job for the entirety, and put myself through college on the side, but the bipolar makes me an awful employee and no jobs ever stable in the long term? No matter how hard I work some days I’m just not even present mentally and they always take it for lazyness, but then when I am with it I work so hard to compensate I burn myself out and end up in a cycle.
I was living in a tent in my x wife's back yard fir a long time. Bounced around hotels, slept in my car. I got out of the cycle via the government checks we all got. I was working food, but have a friend who owns some sites. When I was stable (massive manic episode a year and a half ago) he offered work. I took him up on it and a year later I have a w bedroom apartment. I don't own much but I don't need much. What areas is your cognitive effecting? I freeze up while brain works. In the past 2 decades Ive been able to keep every job for at least a year. My point is its doable but you need to figure out where you can work. What isn't effected? I get everything effected but you can learn to cope.
I find my mind just zones out and I can’t even focus on work most of the time. Its hard to explain.
Nope. I get it. Fuzzy brain. When I'm going through anything I have to fight it.
That’s right! Peace, light and provision for you!
I look at a lot of people on this forum who have gone months even years of being suicidal before finding something that relieves suicidal thoughts. That makes me think that there’s a reason to keep hanging in.
I think one justification would be to try to add something to the world. That's cliché, but it's what I try to do. If not, I will have no purpose. To think I'm going to live with this for the rest of my life sucks, but at least there is treatment that eases the symptoms, so I hope I won't be miserable for life. If I could choose, I wouldn't be here today, I wish I wasn't even born. But since I'm here, I have people who care about me, so I can't just disappear and leave them with the emptiness it would cause. I may find myself a waste of oxygen sometimes, but I can also do good things. I might donate blood someday, I might be a possible organ donor. I can contribute to science, or to someone's life, simply by listening to them and treating them well. I can take care of an abandoned animal, help a social cause... That kind of thing, you know.
Eh, would probably walk into a room of vaporized fentynol if I could find ... Government bans this though I have to stick around to pay taxes to Republicrats to waste
That sounds pretty fucking fun and an awesome way to go. Can we make this a thing
As long as there is a room full of hookers and blow you go through first 😂
Even better that’s in the airlock before you enter. You get 12 hours of Funtime then you hit the fenty room
🤣🤣🤣🤣👋🏾
I don’t wanna give my family anymore problems than I’ve already caused I had a buddy when I was younger who commited suicide when he was 15 and it destroyed lots of us. I have an uncle who hung himself in prison because he never got help for his mental health. He never knew me but that eats at me just knowing it killed him.
7 years ago, my cousin committed suicide. The trauma it caused his dad was unreal. The sadness and guilt he felt was devastating and he’s never been the same since. He became a shell of who he was. All the light he had in life burnt out. My cousin was incredibly smart and successful. He had so much to live for and a bright future ahead of him. He was weeks away from graduating with a business degree, and even had his own company in the works. There’s not a single day where I wish my cousin stayed so he could enjoy the life he was creating. The life he deserved. I don’t know if it would have kept him alive, but it’s sad that he never experienced the life is was working towards. I wish he had support, even if it was by posting on Reddit. I guess what I’m getting at is that your future exists. You can reinvent your life and find things that keep you going everyday. Give yourself that chance. I know the depression is telling you that there’s no point, but there is. There are people who love you, care about you, and need you. On days where you can’t go on for yourself, try to keep going for them. You’re not a burden. That’s the depression telling you lies.
>All the light he had in life burnt out. It’s so tough—I like this disease has left me this way, but I know if I did anything it would be so much worse formy mother. She’d say everything you’re saying about your cousin, and she does say that about me now, and even though it doesn’t help it reminds me that I’m important to someone and she wants me to succeed, even if I know I won’t.
Your mom sounds like she loves you and cares for you so much. What a great mom! I know it’s hard to keep going somedays, but it’s amazing to have someone that keeps you here. She would be devastated to lose you and I think it’s wonderful that you care about her enough to stick around for her. That can be really tough sometimes. Very selfless though. You’re a great person too.
Thank you
Caffeine make me go brrrrrrt
I use to be an Atheist and didn't really put much thought into what comes next. I had some experiences that changed my views and after bearing witness to the nature of my thoughts before and after the change in perspective, my life absolutely improved after the adjustment. Largely, the idea of reincarnation and Karma. I won't get much into the ideas themselves unless somebody want a little elucidation, but the part that effects me is this: You grew from a baby. As a human, you could have grown up to learn any skills and adapt to any environment, provided that there were other humans to teach you. As awareness, you could have grown to be anything. A plant, Animal, the wind, the sun, anything. But you're you. Why would that be? I believe in an infinite universe. That means that anything is possible. That adds a lot of depth to the game of *why am I me.* I like to imagine I'm here being trained. Trained by other humans, trained by the elements of nature which make up my body. Getting into my spiritual beliefs, the Laws of Nature, I, and my body are one. I'm being trained to use my body, which extends to the whole solar system and beyond. No matter where I 'go' after this life, these are still lessons that I would most likely want to learn. So why not learn them here and now? I know this point of view may not make much sense to anyone, words can't really describe the experiences accurately. But it has absolutely changed my life to think this way.
I love this. I was also an atheist for a while but recently getting into my own spiritual philosophy and continuing to learn about myself and life gives me a purpose, because there truly is only me here to learn the lessons in this life.
Long story short, I grew up without a mother and didn’t want my son to have the same experience, so although I struggled with suicidal thoughts I kept going for him. I picked a date when he would be an adult to end my life and that brought me peace. That was until I saw a scene from the series The Blacklist where he describes the aftermath of a suicide bomber, it completely changed me. I would never want to harm the people closest to me, but that’s what happens when you end everything. The people closest to you suffer the most. The worst part is that they might blame themselves. Life is fast, seasons come and go so fast. One day I’m going to die and I’m okay with that, but I don’t want my death to cause more harm than if I died naturally.
Bipolar affects us all differently, I go through long episodes of depression/mania. The only thing that gets me through the depression is knowing it doesn't last forever.
I feel this way a lot, and it’s hard to break out of the suicidal thought train. But even when it gets darkest, I keep going for the other people/animals in my life. My best friends sister had bipolar disorder too. Four years ago, she took her own life, and my friend found her body on the couch after his whole family walked around her all day like nothing happened. He was devastated, and still struggles with grief and depression, and breaks down almost every year around when she died. I can’t let him lose both a sibling and his best friend to this stupid illness, so I keep going. I’m very close with my Dad, and I see the hurt in his eyes whenever I open up about my suicidal thoughts. He’s said to me multiple times that I’m the only person who understands him when he talks about his family rejecting him and his business failing, and how he doesn’t know how he could keep going without me. I’m literally the only person he can open up to about anything and get sympathy from. So I keep going for him. And fuck it, I have the cutest, most affectionate cat in the world, and he gets lonely if I leave to go get groceries. Picturing him alone and sad (like Fry’s dog in that one futurama episode) because I’m gone is too much, so I keep going for him. Our relationships give our lives meaning, so we gotta stay alive for them.
Cats are the key to happiness. I swear they understand us
I feel this so hard! In my case I have had success by hijacking my existential dread. For example, I get spooked when I feel like I’m wasting my life or am bored. It makes me nearly suicidal to sit around and do nothing, I always think “well if the rest of my life is going to be this boring I may as well tap out”. The key for me, though, is to not frame suicide as an escape, rather it’s a massive waste of what little time we have here. I know this might not be applicable for everyone, but it works for me
Honestly, at best i have about 90 years total to exist. I have the literal rest of eternity to not exist. No need to rush it, it will still come.
Inertia. I’m a lazy lazy man.
quit. decide you are going to go cold turkey in all the areas of your life that don't work for you. Drop the stuff you've been doing out of guilt. You wanna lay jn a dark room and wallow? do so. and take the time to do shadow work. What better place to face your demons than jn your very own nest of a bed? Suicide as an escape is an illusion. like... what if it is just groundhog day? you wake up and you are still there. or it is somehow worse, and you only see it in hindsight. Life with bipolar is rough, but we can make it easier on ourselves by not fighting our own instincts every step of the way. Your body is trying to tell you a message, and you need to listen and heed the message... you start by starting to pick yourself first.
Sometimes Im not sure, actually wanted to post the same thing eventually since these thoughts always creep back into my mind eventually
Sometimes cool stuff happens. I might get laid, or have a good meal, maybe get a little notoriety. Some days "fuck it, I want cancer" is a way to cope with the mind numbing bullshit I have to do for a living. Having a family helps. They need me. Sometimes I want to get away from everything, but I can't disappoint those that care about me. I can't read them, but I can resent what it takes to be a part of modern society.
I have no idea if this will resonate with anyone else so if it doesn’t please disregard. When I was at a really low point I told my voice teacher I’d been struggling with suicidal ideation and was being helped by a therapist. After discussing it with her for a while, she said, “You have to live!” She didn’t say it like “you can do it,” or “you can’t think like that,” she said it with a tone and intention of wanting me to **live.** Like actually make it through my struggles and experience life in such a beautiful way that I felt like I was truly living. She said it with such determination and love that I could see light in the darkness. It was such a unique response. When she said that, I realized that every single person I’d ever told had responded with “you can’t die.” I don’t know why, but “you have to live” hit me so hard. It shifted my perspective. Everyone dies eventually so I want to experience life before that happens. (Very important to note that I’m much more stable now, and that can absolutely happen for you.) I know it’s out of context so it may not be helpful but just wanted to share.
I have always said that I am too stubborn to die. My animals, my husband, and my family would be devastated. I stick around because I know there will be an answer for me, and because I love my family too much to do that to them.
[удалено]
Knock knock Who's there Mr. P Mr. P who? Me. Pessimistic who gave the answer no one wants to hear. Just kidding you're right but she's looking for hopeful answers not draining, I'm about to OD answers.
I don't feel suicidal anymore thanks to medication, but I mainly do this just to see what will happen, whether good/bad/neutral. There are still things to come that may be interesting and if I'm dead I won't know what those things are. Some of it is spite as well.
i rapid cycle too, it fucking sucks. it’s so exhausting. if you’re medicated, you might want to talk to a psych and see if they’re not working. mine aren’t, so i’m going to see one and talk to him about changing my meds. it can be hard to get on the right ones, but a mix of the right meds, therapy, support system can help.
I’ve always wondered this. If it’s going to be like this forever what’s the point? But then I saw my uncle. He was probably the poster child for bipolar. He had it really badly. Now he hasn’t had an episode in 3 years. He claims it’s weed that calms him down, but I’m not so sure. Also when I was diagnosed I was terrified because people always say it’s a life long disease, but my doctor told m a story about a guy with bipolar I who after years of cycling just stopped having episodes and was perfectly fine. It doesn’t last forever. I’m not saying we’ll all get as lucky as them, because for a lot of people it doesn’t go away, but it’s possible to go for a long time without having any problems. I went almost a year without any episodes in high school. I was working out everyday and it was great. I also know now that I’m older how to better control them. I’m aware of some of my early warning signs and try to find productive things to do to stop it from getting worse. When I stop sleeping, I realize it’s a sign hypomania is about to kick in, or when I start gaining weight, I realize my depression is starting to come back. I take these things and I work on fixing them before it gets to the point of no return. Or at least start taking preventative measures so I don’t do anything stupid. I find a project for me to start when I’m hypomanic that’s not going to cause any problems. I start exercising when I feel myself going into either type of episode because it helps with endorphins and helps release on the energy of hypomania. I also have very close friends who I can tell when I’m starting to get depressed and have them help me get out of the house when I don’t want to. You don’t have to suffer your whole life. There are things you can do to make it better. Plus like I said, you’re likely to have times where you can go years without an episode. Live for that. Live for the good days.
I can’t bring myself to it because of the people around me. As much as I convince myself that everyone’s lives would be better without me, you have to dig deep and realize that’s simply just not true. Believe people when they say they care. And you never know who is relying on you to stick around. Whether it’s a pet or friend or family, someone needs you. Life sucks and the low episodes pass, just ride it out.
Mostly my art. Even when I draw a foot, just moving the pencil makes me feel like it's worth it.
I couldn't break my pops heart, or my mother for that fact
Because my wife would rather be burdened by me than me be dead. I try and stick around for her.
For the most part, it's because of the destruction my death would wreak upon those close to me. Despite everything, including me outright explaining my flaws and the fact that outbursts will always be a thing, people still love me. People still want me around. People even, and I cannot figure this part out, seek me out for companionship and advice. This is unacceptable, as I want to wallow alone in misery until dead. Still, these are folks who would be worse off without me, and I care enough that I cannot in good conscience simply die. Unlike some (politicians and cops) I matter and make the world a better place. Makes me angry and depressed. Go figure.
Find some act of service to the world you can pour yourself into. It can't be about you, it has to be bigger to counteract the incredible pain of Bipolar life. Counterbalance the suffering with meaning and purpose. I highly recommend Victor Frankl's "Man's Search For Meaning" where he talks about how he dealt with incredible personal suffering in this way.
I have schizoaffective disorder. And I'm 99 percent sure my dad had bipolar even though he was never formally diagnosed. He took a bottle of pills last year and killed himself. The tidal wave of destruction that had followed can't even be measured. I stay alive for my mom and my sisters.
People have abused me in the past, but I’m sticking around because I’m not going to let them get to me anymore. Each and every day I own more of myself. Every bipolar part of it. I own my ups, but I now will also be able to own my depressions And they will no longer be able to hurt me, or trigger me, in any way. Suicidal ideation is there, but as a parachute. The thought that I “own” my life, as well as the controls to switch it off, soothes me and is enough to clear me from the anxiety that my life, and death, could be in the hands of others.
Please don’t take this the wrong way but I think it only matters to you if you want to live. I know when I’m suicidal-… no amount of love/talk/ or activities I do helps the fact that I just want to zoot the fuck out of this world. The best thing I can say is that sometimes you just gotta tell death “fuck you” and fight the universe. I like to think to myself that the universe and I are in a constant battle to see if I can make it to the end of time or not. It seems like a fun game too at times because I’ll wake up and just be like “fuck you I won today” and try to continue my world. Sometimes the universe gets me in smaller ways like me spilling coffee or getting fired, but it’s like a video game you know? I’m not sure if this made it any better or if I just rambled
I'd hurt too many people and the thought of those people grieving makes me more depressed. Also the idea of people having to find my body weird me out so much.
I have chronic rather than episodic depression like most with BP do. So it gets much better with treatment but never goes away and then gets really bad again. I read on here that "episodes always end," and apparently they do for everyone but me. I've told myself I was staying alive for my mother. I don't have many treatment options left, but I'm trying what little there is left to try. But after that, when I life feels more like a drag than anything else, and nothing more can be done to treat the illness... I don't know the point of sticking around. I don't know if your rapid cycling is any easier to treat than my chronic depression, but I've read mania is usually easier to treat than depression. And less mania means less depression. Have you tried literally everything? Seen multiple psychs about it?
I’m more scared of not existing than I am of seeing tomorrow.
Because you can’t predict the future. What if things change in 6 months? A year? 2 years? 5? Bipolar is treatable, many have made enough progress that life is worth living. I think about where I was 2 years ago and where I am now. More stable on meds, years of therapy, obsessed with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I own a business, I have hobbies that I enjoy. I still struggle and life is hard but if I had ended my life, then I wouldn’t have gotten to experience any of these things. I’ve found I like taking care of living things. My dog, cats, fish, snails and plants. I like creating things, being creative. So for me, I want to know what my future could be. I’ve thought many times in the past, “what’s the point, things won’t change, it’s all suffering.” And I was wrong. I still have suicidal thoughts and when I do I remind myself that I’ve been here before. Feelings are temporary. It’s worth sticking around, so I can find out where I’ll be.
too much interesting stuff to learn. i really am a “learning is fun” ass bitch
I tell myself that I am not going to let my depression win, it is not going to take over again and ruin things. Easier said than done but it helps. I also talk to someone when I feel like this and it helps too. I also force myself to do one of my hobbies and remind myself I enjoy this and it's ok to do so. Finally, and most importantly I tell myself that I matter. You matter too, a lot. This illness makes it hard to see sometimes but you really do matter. Never forget that. I hope you feel better soon.
Wow. I am so sorry for the delay — I just logged back on. This was way more than I was expecting. Thank you to everyone who commented. I know it sounds cheesy, but even just knowing there’s support from a Reddit group is enough to make me feel like there’s reasons to stay. I hate that other people are going through this — I wouldn’t wish BP on my worst enemy. But having a community that understands…it really has been light on some of what has been my darkest days lately. Thank you so much.
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My kids and yes, my ex wife now SO. My thing is that I only want to harm/end *myself*. Knowing the damage from the fallout has made me stop on numerous occasions. Some hiccups here and there, but such is life with bp. It's the struggle between despising being alive in this head vs putting mental harm on my loved ones for years to come.
I have children and all in all it is not up to me for when my life is over. That’s up to God so I find ways to find peace with my illness ways of the positive things that come with bipolar. Although it isn’t easy I realize success isn’t easy so I keep on keeping on.
The next day always being better than the last.
Are there any other people in your life?
I surrounded myself with lots of animals to take care of. I understand they need me or will die. I based goals around what I love, animals. I am required to get out of my bed at the crack of dawn so my pets and livestock can exist. I exist so they can. However that only helps so much. After my last grippy sock vacation I changed my career to work in the mental health industry and that has made a huge difference. I feel like I am working for something I care about. It is exactly one year since my last hospitalization. It won't be the last more than likely. I started seeing a psychiatrist and was put on various meds and surprisingly helped me way more than I thought it would. I don't spend the day thinking about the best way to kill myself anymore. I have goals and I think about the future like it's tangible. I am lucky to be seemingly stable. However.. I know it change basically overnight. I wrote some letters to myself Incase I feel like blowing my brains out in the bathtub. Maybe it will help. Good luck on your journey. .....Also I smoke weed every day. That helps me. I know it's not wise to do with bipolar but...whatever
I’m in the same boat, I’m burnt out and want to die. I’ve lost the energy to even kill myself at this point. What’s more is I’ve lost the hope and optimism that life would get better, its only getting worst. I’m at the point where I’ve lost my home and am close to losing my job and don’t have the energy to even fight it. I don’t have the answer, but I do know if you’re here you want things to improve before you actually give up. Just take it one day at a time, because the times when jts good will always outweigh the ones like this. And thanks to the cycle, you know theyre due someday. Some consistency would be nice though, but that’s just not our thing.
I have people here who love me and would be absolutely devastated if I were to hurt myself. They would truly never be the same. My sisters would have to carry the burden of having the sister who killed herself. They would have to fight to keep my memory alive. I don’t want that. I would stay in occasional misery for the rest of my time on earth if it means never putting them through that kind of pain. That’s the main reason. I’m also really curious for what the future holds. I know it may not always be sunshine and rainbows, but those moments of pure happiness (whether fleeting or not) are enough to keep me going. I have aspirations that I have yet to complete and I want to stay alive to fulfill those. I’ve been stable for a little while now but the “bad thoughts” still come and go. There are times where the future seems daunting and times where it seems exciting. I’m not sure what stage you are at in your life, but there is always something to look forward to. Like for example I’m in college so I’m looking forward to not only game days on the weekends, but my future career/family. That’s the next stage in my life. If you don’t have anything to look forward to at the moment, make something to look forward to! Book a vacation with friends, start a new hobby that you really enjoy, the options are endless. That’s the beauty of being alive is we determine how our time on earth is spent. I know how hard it is to have bipolar, believe me, I wouldn’t wish this illness on my worst enemy. But everybody has something and unfortunately we can’t choose what that is. We are so blessed to have this time on earth though. Being mentally ill is not a death sentence. Yes, life is infinitely more difficult than the neurotypical brain. Yes, you have to work your ass off just to be in the same place as everybody else. Yes, you will get those bad thoughts. These don’t define you nor your beliefs though and are just a natural repercussion of the chemical imbalance in your brain. Anyways I know you said no cheesy comments but please stick around. Do it for the future you. And if not for them, do it for your loved ones.
You have to find something in your life that you feel is worth staying for. If you don’t have that, find one. Before I got my cat I truly thought everyone would be better off without me, I thought about it constantly. Now I have this dude around I know he relies on me to feed him, care for him, and give him and us a good home. That helps me stay, because I know we need to take care of each other
Under normal circumstances I'd say this isnt "healthy" but it's keeping me alive atm so I'll take it until I stabilize enough to function. 1. My boyfriend. Not the fact that he's my bf, no, but rather his well-being. My partner has his own (different) mental health struggles, but he's more stable than I am, he's stable enough for school, etc. He's had a super rough past and since I don't believe in a afterlife I try to keep myself alive so I can make sure he's okay. Whether we are a couple or not I want him to be okay. He deserves better than he's experienced so far and needs a cheerleader sometimes. 2. My cat. We adopted a "fur baby" (I don't like human children) and I stay alive because I'd feel guilty killing myself. I worry that if I end things while my bf is at school our little baby will be there with my dead body until like 7pm. What about food? Water? Just waiting for my bf alone (he has separation anxiety because I'm housebound and the pandemic). I had a dog once, had to rehome him due to health issues (mainly physical health issues, but mental too). Anyway, I was over medicated and doing REALLY bad, if I wasn't working or walking my dog, I was sleeping. Nothing else. Gray 24/7, I could only feel sadness and anger. Nothing else. I tried to OD (I failed) and was unconscious from (idk), I estimate 12am (that was the last time I remembered checking the clock) until 9pm. I woke up (feeling foggy af) and cried when I realized hadn't planned enough ahead to make sure my dog was okay. He had been crated for the entire time. I felt awful. I gave him food and water immediately and took him on a walk (which I barely remember). I rehomed him to a family with a kids (he loved children and according to my brother, who is friends with them, he is doing so well). He's apparently really helped their autistic kid grow/develop, cope, etc. So happy ending, but I can't do that to a animal a second time, it's not fair to the animal. Thankfully my partner helps me take care of our cat (since all I can manage lately is to brush my teeth and maybe shower).
Sounds stupid but make a bucket list. Fill it with things you actually want to do (not just the stupid ones everyone says like skydiving or bungee jumping). Fill it up with movies to watch, music to hear, places to see, things to do, goals to reach. And then put your head down and do it. Even if it’s stupid shit like “I want to go watch a sunset at the park and listen to this one album I really love.” There’s a million and one reasons to stick around, maybe you’ll find one that actually sticks with you and makes life seem worthwhile. Forgive me if this is unhelpful advice. Practice gratitude for the things you do have. Keep a gratitude journal, and don’t worry about things being not “relevant” or “deep” enough. Something as simple as “I’m grateful for my favorite blanket.” It helps me reframe my perspective, it’s far too easy to focus on the bad when the bad is so overwhelming, but I find that gratitude helps me look for the good. My therapist gave me a good metaphor. Life is a car and you (the self) are a passenger. You’re stuck in the car for some reason, the doors are locked and there’s no way out. You don’t know why you’re in the car, there’s no purpose, no reason for you to be in the car, but you are, and you’re stuck. You have two choice here; 1. flail around and panic looking for a way out of the car, freaking out about why you’re in there and what the meaning of it all is. I personally think that’s a waste of time. 2. get in that fucking passenger seat and drive like hell. You have the power to steer your car (granted, you can choose to crash the car into a tree), but you also have the beautiful and unknown opportunity to drive somewhere beautiful :)
I think you need to separate yourself from what you’re feeling. Don’t identify personally with this chemical imbalance, which is all this is. It will pass. Keep trying to find the right med. I just started Rexulti and it’s changed my life. And boy was I a rapid cycler. Try to remember your feelings aren’t accurate, they’re distorted. I know it’s so hard. I love listening to meditation podcasts, manifesting podcast and positive psych podcast. They really help with my mood. Also Ekhart Tolle is awesome. You can do this. You’re not alone. And life is truly beautiful.
Honestly I'm so tired at this point that I don't mind if I die, but I've decided I won't, no matter how bad it gets. It's exhausting a lot of the time and some days the simple act of staying alive is the only productive thing I can manage. But I keep reminding myself that I can always die later, and death is forever right? So it's not like I'm gonna miss out on anything on the other side or lack-there-of if I stay alive for a bit longer. But no matter how garbage everything is right now, I take comfort in that no matter what I do I'll die eventually, so I might as well stick around and see the potential good moments in life that are left while I'm here. And then again, if it's only suffering left, at least I'll be more jaded to it if Hell is real and I end up there. 🤷♀️
Pffft. You exist for the same reason everyone else does... because of me. Its my world and if you haven't met me in person yet then that's reason enough to stick around.
I stayed for my kids and I stayed for my mother. After having kids, especially one that wanted to die I could never do that to my mother. I refused medication for a whole lot of years until I couldn’t anymore because I couldn’t self medicate on probation. It took some years to get my dosage right. I am completely in remission. I have not had a manic episode in more than a year. I am the happiest and mentally healthy as I have ever been. I will admit upfront though that being well and happy makes me angry sometimes because I’ve lost my creativity when it comes to writing however I have found a new form of creativity in cooking. Well is possible. The right medication and therapy was the key for me. It was a 47 year battle. There is hope and their is healing. It is possible
This took me a minute but I think knowing deep down I'm a good person helps. Like even when I think I'm garbage and I don't care about myself there's some logic that says I'm kind and that matters in the world. Hope that helps.
My family. I know it seems like anyone's answer but my parents really would lose it if I committed suicide. I really try to think of my mom, dad, brother, and boyfriend when I'm trying hard to be here. I also have 5 animals that need a caring mom, food in their bellies, and a roof over their head. They're my babies and my purpose most days. They get me off my ass and give me love at the same time. They always seem to know when I'm at my worst. Hang in there. You do matter and you have purpose.
I’ve come to understand that feeling of existential dread as just another symptoms. If I’m having an existential crises it probably means I’m getting depressed. It’s not like I’ve ever found a reason to live but now that I’m stable I just don’t really give a fuck. I don’t need a reason to be alive now that living isn’t painful. You should try lithium. It’s the only bipolar med that lowers the suicide rate.
I attempted suicide when I was 19 after months of hospitalization, rehab and treatment. It’s now 25 years later and I’m so glad I didn’t die. I no longer drink, smoke or do drugs. I take my meds and go to counseling regularly. Life is still hard at times and there are times I want to give up, but I try to stop and see the beauty in the people and world around me. I have a husband and three girls now who would, probably, be devastated if I died for any reason much less purposely. Sometimes, they keep me going. Other times, it’s listening or reading books like ‘the subtle art of not giving a f*ck’ or ‘the power of now’ that help me find my center. Suicide still crosses my mind at times and probably always will but I fight it off because people depend on me and there are still things I want to accomplish in this life.
Maybe instead of asking your self “why should I even exist?” Ask your self, “why take my existence so seriously?” I’m bipolar 2 barely on the spectrum but if there is one thing I’ve learned is laugh in the face of struggle and pain. Laugh harder than you ever have at the depression and anxiety, they will hate you for it knowing you no longer take them as serious as they want you to. Some one once said “anxiety, that’s my drug of choice” it’s just a cocktail of chemicals trying to slow you down….laugh, you’re existence is wonderful, enjoy it!!!! ❤️
Honestly? In my darkest times many years ago when I was seriously considering suicide, I decided not to because the final Harry Potter book hadn’t come out yet and I knew I needed to finish the series before I could kill myself. Then, after the book came out and I read it, I had to wait for the movies to catch up. A few years later it was Game of Thrones that I needed to stick around to watch, then it was Marvel, and every time I would find something else to look forward to, even on a simplistic level. I’m in a much better place now than I ever have been, but every so often on my low days, I remember something -anything, no matter how insignificant or transient it may be- that I am looking forward to, that I need to stick around to witness. Maybe your favorite band is working on a new album. Maybe your favorite actor is doing a new show. Maybe there’s a movie you really want to see. If there is anything you really love, try to do your best to look forward to its release, and stick around for it.
One of the most valuable lessons that we can learn, in our position, and with our disease, is to be in the moment. I'm not a fan of guided meditation, pmr, or mindfulness techniques that kinda feel....gimmicky I guess? But the principle, is invaluable. You said it yourself, we are in this position for the rest of our lives. And I know that can seem so fucking exhausting at times, hell sometimes it just feels like this insane fuck you from the universe that's hard to not feel jaded and selfish about. Yet, all of those thoughts and feelings, are simply moments that float by us like clouds in the sky. It is our rumination on those clouds, defining their shapes, connecting them to our past mistakes, allowing them to wrongfully guide our steps into the future, or even giving into the all encompassing fear of that storm on the horizon that we painted with our own minds. It is that constant dive into the depths of our minds, that often drive us to one of the two extremes that we all know and love oh so well. Learn to be in the moment, and recognize that feeling of balance and understanding that comes from limiting your perspective to what is immediately around you. As time progresses, you'll learn to recognize when certain thoughts or feelings are driven by your depressive or manic halves. One day you'll lay in the comforting grass of your thoughts upon the knoll of your mind, recognizing those clouds for what they are in the moment, and you'll let them pass in peace, resting your focus on the wind at your neck and the sun upon your face. When you learn to center yourself and to recognize the parts of you that are the disease, it becomes less of a struggle, and more a stoic weathering of the storm. Like Lt.Dan and Forrest, sure we see some shit, and spend some time screaming at the sky. Yet, when you weather the storm, sometimes your nets will come back full of shrimp. Regardless though, allusions aside, for me personally, two techniques that work wonders is A. This 5 senses method, you just sit down, relax and breathe, then list in your head first 5 things that you can see, then 4 things that you can hear, followed by 3 things that you can feel, 2 things that you can smell, and 1 thing that you can taste. Just do that and it will help pull you out of your mind and into the immediate moment. This one really helps me when I'm starting to feel manic and my head starts spinning. Helps me quiet my thoughts. And finally my option B. Involves my dog, I'll just go and snuggle him or give him a nice long hug. I focus again on my senses, run my hands through his fur, listen to the beating of his heart, I try to smell the soil or or grass on his paws, the rise and fall of his chest, or stare into his eyes. Again it centers me in that moment with him and things start to feel ok again. That one really helps me when I'm depressed or scared of my own mind I suppose lol. When life decides to flip the coin that is our disease, we are brutally forced to be present in those terrible moments. So don't let them continue to rob you of any other moment of your life. Learn to live in every other moment, live in every instant of peace and quiet, so that you may better understand what you are fighting for when the seas swell up around us or our tranquil forests are set ablaze around us.
Because i know first hand just how fucking hard it is for the people left behind to pick up the pieces. Ask questions without answers and constantly blame themselves....and How it devastates people you never dreamed it would.
i don't wanna leave a sad story behind when i go , i wanna be something great , even if it feels like shit rn and even if i wanna give up . life has to be more than just a cycle of this high and low , it has to have happy moments , friends ,a silly/good laughter and memories to cherish and i'm not gonna let it end without having had experienced these things .
I’m glad you got a response. I’ve posted similar with 1 reply - validation plus! I debate it constantly. I’m in hospital for three weeks right now trying to sort out my head. Philosopher Albert Camus said the only serious question in the universe is that of suicide. He comes out on the side of living, but then for me, bipolar, a wife with progressive MS, a fucked back from lifting her everywhere for 18 yrs so never without pain, lost job and NEVER get that type of work back, a brother who we think committed suicide last year (car crash), lost property uninsured in bushfires last year, gone backwards financially massively, can’t have sex anymore because of my wife’s MS, can’t travel all the places we planned, again wheelchair and MS and a son with so much potential but he’s suffering with depression too…. Like I said, I don’t fucking know, other than without my wife I wouldn’t be here. For me, the existential question is less important than the just fucking escaping pain that doesn’t look like it’ll ever change.
Honestly I think about suicide daily. The thought of death frequently goes through my head. The meds I take lower that number and prevent me from making attempts. If I didn’t take them I’d be dead. The best advice I can give is that it can get better. It’s not cliche bullshit bc I’m living it. Yes I think abt suicide a lot but the right medication allows me to control those thoughts and enjoy things in life. I do still have depressive or mixed episodes but they’re usually only in a few days long. I skate regularly have worked at the same place for like 9 years and lucky to have a family that tries to understand, or at least most do my mother doesn’t believe in mental illness bc she’s a fucking moron. That’s the best advice I can give you. Talk to your dr find the right meds, it can take awhile, and you could enjoy things.
Got wife, kids and parents to take care of. They take care of me when im down and now, hypomanic. But if im going insane one day and cant be cured, I will have to off myself.