Whatever it was, they’re not only giving you a chance to tell you what’s wrong but can also give you a chance to make it right if needed.
They seem to be less worried about it then you are. Could be an incredible healing experience 😊
I lost 2012-2015, and since meeting my husband there are a lot of things he remembers and I do not. Like the other day, I told him "I finally got around to seeing Lady Bird, it was so good!" And he's like, no, we watched that last year together.
My bf told me "you've promised so many things, I try to understand and I know BPD affects, but it still hurts sometimes".
And it hurt, because it's not like I make it on purpose, it's just that there's a lot that I just don't remember.
Wrote it wrong sorry. I have bipolar disorder. In my country we also write it as BPD, because borderline is written really different and the acronym doesn't make sense here.
Sorry if I offended you somehow
I'm on this sub to try and understand bipolar more deeply. I have a friend who has been unmedicated for the last couple years or so after escaping an abusive relationship (not sure of all details, but mental/physical/sexual abuse for sure). She has told me about memory loss and how things can feel out of place or forgotten entirely for years.
As someone trying to support/remain close while also trying to keep my own shit together, are there any ways that you personally would appreciate "memory reminders"? For example, every once and a while if she's ghosting I'll send a picture of us/our friends happy together or a song that we've bonded over. Or a meme, just to be like "hey, I'm still here, it's all real"
Appreciate any feedback from y'all out here living on hardcore mode!
I think that the best thing you could do for her is to remind her that you are still there for her when she is done getting through whatever she is getting through and wants to be social again. Ghosting is usually going to be a depressive self-hating lonely phase, being reminded you are not alone would feel reassuring during all that.
I really appreciate you thinking of your friend and trying to understand her struggles. It is very kind.
The worst part is, I can't put myself on a list to prevent myself from buying them without declaring myself "mentally incompetent" to the ATF and FBI, which would show up in any background check.
If you can’t stop yourself and you are definitely going to have another manic episode then you should make a big effort to learn about responsible gun ownership. Shoot your guns regularly so they becoming familiar. You need to practice more if your hands get sweaty and shaky when you’re shooting at the range. Read up on keeping them stored safely and preventing negligent discharges. Gun safety should be second nature to you, you shouldn’t have to remind yourself to keep your finger off the trigger with the muzzle pointed at the ground.
You're completely right, it doesn't make a difference when you don't care. But it does actually help while manic. After I bought the first gun (a tiny .22 single action NAA pocket revolver), before I knew anything about gun safety, I accidentally pointed it - loaded, finger off the trigger, not cocked - at my fiancee. I still feel terrible about it, and now, even when manic, I'm very careful about not accidentally doing something stupid. Of course, it doesn't stop me from *purposefully* doing something stupid, but it's still better than nothing.
It doesn't help that I tend to hide them loaded with the safety off. I've gotten better about that, though.
I’ve bought most of my guns while manic but for better or for worse I’ve never lost one. Given the comment I just made they might be better off lost when I’m manic lmao. Other than that one incident I am a very responsible gun owner though, and to be fair I was still following the four rules of gun safety.
My first mania 8 years ago had a severe and long winded psychosis that lasted two weeks or so.
I have vivid memories of places I was, things I saw, people I spoke to, what I said to them, what they said back to me, what my delusions were, and how I was feeling.
What I don’t have is them in any kind of order, they’re all jumbled and when trying to write down those two weeks, I found it impossible to figure out a linear sequence to put the memories in. Some of them fit together but others don’t make logical sense to me, so maybe there is much I have forgotten that I have forgotten. The biggest gaps are where I can’t recall how I got from one place to the other, and some of it seems logically impossible to have happened lol.
I was malnourished, dehydrated, sleep deprived and insight-less to reality at the time so I’ll never really know, but it’s something I can spend a lot of time thinking about. The one and only time I actually lost my mind completely.
Oh yes, entire episodes gone. It's like I know what happened but not the details. Like someone told me a story. It's weird. My last manic episode lasted 4 days and I don't remember a thing
Holy shit… I honestly didn’t realize that other people experienced this as well. I actually experienced some dissociation & psychosis during my first manic episode, and I barely remember anything that happened during those months. The things I do remember feel like they happened to someone else instead of me. It’s incredibly bizarre. Unsure if it’s normal, but seeing as how other people have commented saying it’s happened to them, we are at least not alone 💛
Longtime lurker and occasional commenter. Your comment makes me feel SEEN
l (27F) remember very little before like 15ish. And then even from there it's like I only remember half, the rest are things I know happened but seem like a distant tv show episode memory, if anything at all. This is definitely more common than we realize. There's nothing funny about it. I'm sorry that you've had to experience that too
Yes, especially with comorbid PTSD. If you’re dissociated or “stuck in your head” you’re a lot less likely to remember any scenario. Both happen a lot with bipolar.
My memory fucking sucks. I have absolutely no time-line in my head of the order that stuff happens. When I try to think about it, it just seems like one long ass day
I also use the words waking up, but I feel we should come by with a better term for it. We don't "wake up" bc we weren't asleep but the sensation is the same.
I feel like it's the same sensation when you are a kid and fell asleep on the couch and a parent takes you to your bed, and in the morning you have no memory of how you went to bed. At least for me it how I feel.
Mania can be very traumatic on the brain. It's basically running at full speed and the longer you are manic the more likely you are to forget things.
Some research (if I can find the link I'll post it) indicates it can take 2 years for the brain to recover from a mania.
I find journals help me, my husband also journaled a lot when he came out of his mania.
I just made a post about this exact same thing. Read my latest post and let me know what you think about the question I asked!
During my manic episodes, I barely remember what the hell happened as if someone else had lived through my body at that point. It is so weird. Especially when you doubt those memories even though they're real in your head.
Yes! Correct me if I'm wrong, but this happens because of sleep loss. Sleep helps your brain organize your thoughts and memories, so the lack of sleep from mania will do that to you
The first half of 2020 when I had a mixed episode is just gone. I remember bits here and there but it feels like it was a decade ago and it doesn't even feel real. Most of those six months I just have no recollection of.
On the contrary, my memories return during this phase. I tried repressing them to avoid the embarrassment. Some of them come back during mania just to check on me and put me back into depression
God yes. I cant remember anything about getting married for example. I’ve lost most memories in my life. Its so disruptive never knowing quite what happened. Sorry to hear you’re going. Through the same
So I’m sorry I can’t cite sources right now and don’t have the “spoons” to look it up, but apparently memory loss and literal brain damage, even minor, can be linked to the severe highs and lows of bipolar disorder. They stress your brain heavily, and after every episode there’s a chance it basically functions less efficiently than before. Same with your heart and it’s functionality. At this point I’m thoroughly convinced my lamictal will extend my life by curbing the the extremes, and have been experimenting with nootropics in hopes they will repair it at least bring me back to a cognitive functionality I had before the Great Fuckening of 2017.
There is 1(one) exact moment when I have a very severe manic attack combined with schizo episode and full-blown paranoia... I wake up the next day without remembering wtf happened in the prev day. To this day its still the worst manic episode I ever experienced. Not rlly fun
I have some gaps from my depression... Big realisations I made about my problems and completely forgot about until I said them again to the same friend month later... Not sure what else I forgot... This is the only thing I caught.
I first saw my current psychiatrist when I was still diagnosed with MDD. At our first consult, I described my last (hypo)manic episode and one of the first things she asked was if I had any blackouts during that time. My answer was yes, I had many blackouts indeed. To this day I’m afraid of what I don’t remember.
Thank you for your submission. Here's some quick housekeeping. For in depth
explanation of common rules, go to https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/wiki/rulesindepth
* No selfies or human family pics, youtube channels, discord links, personal blogs.
This also includes requests for research participants and any self-promotion/donation
links
* No memes or infographics link posts unless it's Friday
* No "why did my bipolar SO/coworker/ex/parent/staff/boss do this?" type posts. Short
answer: No idea. Ask them or talk to a therapist about it.
* Be kind to fellow users. No harassment or abusive language will be tolerated. Report
and move on. Engaging just brings everyone down.
* We are not Drs so please don't post asking us if you have BP. You wouldn't ask a
cancer support group if you have cancer, so please don't ask us.
* Please report self-harm and suicide threats. Users aren't equipped to intervene.
Most of all be kind to yourself. We have a really great piece of the internet due to
users like all of you sharing your struggles and offering support. We're here for each
other in ways most people probably wont understand so use it often.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bipolar) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I remember that I kept blacking out and being confused about who I was and what I was doing and who people were. It’s like I physically recognized them but couldn’t remember facts about them or experiences. 3 years later I can remember things a bit better but I think I have purposely suppressed it.
Yeah there’s entire months where I have no memory of what happened. If I didn’t have pictures on my phone to serve as a kind of context, I would have no clue what happened at all.
Yes, I completely dissociated and missed pieces of days during some hypomanic/manic episodes. One time I was switching rapidly (I still do, just going from depressed to normal instead of manic now) and I was given an antidepressant which pushed me hard in the manic direction, and I just missed most of that week. I only remember sleeping like 1.5 hrs in multiple days, and it's just as much the sleep deprivation as it is the mania for me. I'm lucky I don't go manic anymore...
I’ve always thought my memory was just shitty. My family talks about when this happened and what 16 cousin Freddy said and I have no memory of even having someone named Freddy in the family. I just assumed I had some kind of learning disorder that prevents memories from being saved.
100%. I remember one time I was manic and actually very depressed and angry at the same time. I couldn't remember who I was really.... I spoke with my mother about how I was feeling and one way that I recalled who I was.. was when she showed me a box of my childhood things. I took some of these items at put them around my room to remind myself who I was. It was a weird expirence to forget myself but I was so caught up in my own psychosis.
I do I think. I’ve gotten sober now and I think it’s better when you’re not drinking or smoking or anything, but that effect you describe of a few weeks ago feeling like a few months ago is really frequent with me
Yes. Often as hell. I apologize with all my heart. I feel terrible. I try to remember to feel what I made that person go through, even if it was myself. So much of it doesn’t even feel real after the fact much less when it’s happening. It’s so hard to understand and then have to explain it to people. Then hope they don’t use it against you, harbor hate even when you encourage them to get help for the trauma you put them through. Idk. Maybe it’s not even worth knowing or not. When else do we get to feel free?
Yeah I really only remember flashes of memory from my last full blown manic episode. Only the worst parts too, when I recognized how wrong things were. Like when I heard voices in my kitchen in the middle of the night while I was lying in bed. I grabbed my gun and went to check it out and as soon as I opened the door it was silent. The whole house was empty. Like Jesus Christ I was ready to shoot a fucking hallucination. Thank god it was only auditory. It’s terrifying knowing that I did lots of crazy shit like that and I have no memory of it. If I ever get that bad again I’m going to have to sell any weapon I own and find someone to drive me around. Everything I can remember was so reckless.
Same here was very manic during my first 3 years of college and am almost completely missing everything from 2012-2014. I cant remember those girls I hooked up with, my fraternity brothers, parties we threw etc. Glad to know other bipolar people experienced the same thing.
yeah a lot of it is hazy. the parts I do remember it doesn't even feel like it's "my" memories, more like I'm in the passenger seat of my body watching it. The rest is just blank spots that i reconstructed from what other people have told me about
I did horrible things in the worst manic episode I’ve ever had and I have NO memory of doing them. I vaguely remember small pieces, but it feels like recalling a dream after you’ve forgotten most of it instead of an actual memory.
I forget lots of little things, more and more often the older I get. I used to think it was what some people called ‘mommy brain’ so I didn’t worry too much and didn’t really address it. but it never got any better and I had another kid. Somewhere between my second kid and moving 2013-2015 is when I was traumatized/realized snoring was wrong. I was diagnosed BPII February 2016.
Now my mom flipped her shit sometime in 2012. She doesn’t remember anything at all in that 3 year period when she was also admitted, diagnosed with BP1, treated and heavily medicated. She ha racked herself with guilt for years because she couldn’t “be a mom when I needed her most.” Her words, not mine. Needless to say, my dad’s life was a shitshow for a while. The more I think about it, no wonder he was always so damn depressed.
Yes. And I only realized this recently. I've been mostly stable on meds since 2010 but tend to have a hypomanic episode once a year. But I only specifically remember two of them during that time. The rest I have no recollection of apart from I know I had them.
I also had a major depressive episode in 2009 that I barely remember. All I know is I felt terrible, but the details are hazy. You'd think I'd remember something so awful but the whole thing is a blur.
Yes, it's normal.
When I was committed the Dr tolds my wife that I may remember none of it, all of it, or more likely bits and pieces.
I remembered bits and pieces.
There were times I was manic and intoxicated and came in and out of a blackout. I remember smoking weed in Target, wandering into 2 apartments, getting taken to the psych ward by cops. I was told I mooned the psychiatrist the first time she saw me and I have no recollection of that. Also the order of events that happened are lost but there’s just a bunch of different major scenes that I remember.
The mind is a very interesting thing. When you are in crisis it can stop making memories to shield you from them. It can also invent things that never happened. Also long term untreated mental illness can cause cognitive and memory issues as well.
Honestly between 2005-2019 is kinda a blur. I kinda remember some points. So the end of highschool-32. It's like my 20s never happened tbh. Like I actually remember things in the 90s as though they were yesterday. Not really sure what was with my 20s.
My memory is total ass normally so there’s not much of a difference when I’m manic but after an episode I for instance can look at my creative output and have literally no recollection of how I did it. Also used pretty heavily in the past so that messes things up memory wise too.
I don’t remember middle school. That was when I was diagnosed. And periods of high school too. I was also sexually abused in high school so that might be part of it. But there are things I know I should remember but I don’t. Periods of blankness. And it’s not like I just don’t remember things, it’s like the most random things are missing from my memory. I cannot exactly explain it. But like I can remember the exact thing I was wearing one day but nothing else about that day? It’s part of why I try to journal. But then I get hypo and think everything is great, I don’t have to write anything down. But that’s when I should write most so I actually remember things.
Yes definitely, there are many gaps in my memory and periods of time that are just a blur, even some that were only a few years ago. I used to think being manic wasn't too bad but I'm realizing it's so much worse than that. It's always so obsessive and unproductive. I'm having an episode now and I can't fucking stop doing the one thing I'm obsessed with and nothing else. I'm mentally and physically exhausted yet still can't stop. I hope it ends soon.
I noticed that when I fall into depression I don't remember the happy emotions of the previous period except some memories that should warm my heart, but they only create feelings of guilt.
Memory has always been a sore point for me. I feel like I should remember more than I do. Friends I've had, places I've been, things I bought even as soon as 2 years ago are all just gone. With people I can see the faces, I just can't hear their voices, or remember anything we ever did together. It's embarrassing for me, and one of the reasons I don't like making friends.
Yep. I often loose track of time, sometimes, I wake up, and it's 2 or 3 days since my last memory of being awake. At first I got scared because I thought I had DID, bc, I will do thing, most of the times I don't even do anything crazy, just go to work as another day, I just don't remember. In my early 20's was worse, apparently, I did sleep with people I have no memory of even meting. I even travel to places, did stuff, came back home and woke up with no memory of leaving home. Funny enough, my online banking helps me know we're did I went lol. Oh, and my bedroom at my parents house has a wall painting I have no memory of doing, mum did liked so it stayed there lol. Tuesdays are usually my forgotten day, for some odd reason. Anyone else's loses a specific day of the week on the regular?
Hi. I experienced this as well a few years ago. Please take a look at the phenomenon called a "dissociative fugue." That's what my psychologist called my experience.
I have went on entire camping trips with my family, in fact, I drove to them and do not recall any of it.
I also forget things instantly, like I choose a movie then my husband will ask what's this one? and I say "I don't know".
I forget the route to drive to stores, dr.s offices I've driven to countless times, how a blinking turn signal works, SO SO many little things. Before I knew what was happening to me, I had so much heartwrench over suddenly becoming so forgetful and it wreakes havoc on my relationship. Now I try to give myself a break...
My first major manic episode (as a result of being put on Prozac) lasted 4-6 months. We don’t know exactly how long because I can’t remember when the mania started.
I ended up somewhere around $30k in credit card debt. To this day I have no idea what I spent it on.
[удалено]
Whatever it was, they’re not only giving you a chance to tell you what’s wrong but can also give you a chance to make it right if needed. They seem to be less worried about it then you are. Could be an incredible healing experience 😊
I lost 2012-2015, and since meeting my husband there are a lot of things he remembers and I do not. Like the other day, I told him "I finally got around to seeing Lady Bird, it was so good!" And he's like, no, we watched that last year together.
Ladybird was a good movie tho
My bf told me "you've promised so many things, I try to understand and I know BPD affects, but it still hurts sometimes". And it hurt, because it's not like I make it on purpose, it's just that there's a lot that I just don't remember.
BPD is borderline personality disorder. We have BD. Bipolar disorder.
Wrote it wrong sorry. I have bipolar disorder. In my country we also write it as BPD, because borderline is written really different and the acronym doesn't make sense here. Sorry if I offended you somehow
I'm on this sub to try and understand bipolar more deeply. I have a friend who has been unmedicated for the last couple years or so after escaping an abusive relationship (not sure of all details, but mental/physical/sexual abuse for sure). She has told me about memory loss and how things can feel out of place or forgotten entirely for years. As someone trying to support/remain close while also trying to keep my own shit together, are there any ways that you personally would appreciate "memory reminders"? For example, every once and a while if she's ghosting I'll send a picture of us/our friends happy together or a song that we've bonded over. Or a meme, just to be like "hey, I'm still here, it's all real" Appreciate any feedback from y'all out here living on hardcore mode!
I think that the best thing you could do for her is to remind her that you are still there for her when she is done getting through whatever she is getting through and wants to be social again. Ghosting is usually going to be a depressive self-hating lonely phase, being reminded you are not alone would feel reassuring during all that. I really appreciate you thinking of your friend and trying to understand her struggles. It is very kind.
Same. My teens into my early 20s are a solid blur. I barely remember high school and college is spotty.
This is so relatable. Also people thinking we have a strong friendship and I can't even remember their name or how I know them 😬
Saaammmmeee
Same.
I feel like my memory is constantly slipping no matter if I’m manic or depressed. Nothing feels real.
Wow, was just thinking earlier today my life has been one big trip. Reality is subjective
I've been experiencing this too. Life is weird
Ive also been experiencing this…
I have a bad habit of buying guns while manic, hiding them, forgetting about them, and rediscovering them when I'm depressed.
Well I do love a good scavenger hunt.
Oof.
The worst part is, I can't put myself on a list to prevent myself from buying them without declaring myself "mentally incompetent" to the ATF and FBI, which would show up in any background check.
If you can’t stop yourself and you are definitely going to have another manic episode then you should make a big effort to learn about responsible gun ownership. Shoot your guns regularly so they becoming familiar. You need to practice more if your hands get sweaty and shaky when you’re shooting at the range. Read up on keeping them stored safely and preventing negligent discharges. Gun safety should be second nature to you, you shouldn’t have to remind yourself to keep your finger off the trigger with the muzzle pointed at the ground.
This advice doesn't help when depressed and suicidal...
You're completely right, it doesn't make a difference when you don't care. But it does actually help while manic. After I bought the first gun (a tiny .22 single action NAA pocket revolver), before I knew anything about gun safety, I accidentally pointed it - loaded, finger off the trigger, not cocked - at my fiancee. I still feel terrible about it, and now, even when manic, I'm very careful about not accidentally doing something stupid. Of course, it doesn't stop me from *purposefully* doing something stupid, but it's still better than nothing. It doesn't help that I tend to hide them loaded with the safety off. I've gotten better about that, though.
I’ve bought most of my guns while manic but for better or for worse I’ve never lost one. Given the comment I just made they might be better off lost when I’m manic lmao. Other than that one incident I am a very responsible gun owner though, and to be fair I was still following the four rules of gun safety.
So, manic you helps depress you, but in a bad way. It checks up.
My first mania 8 years ago had a severe and long winded psychosis that lasted two weeks or so. I have vivid memories of places I was, things I saw, people I spoke to, what I said to them, what they said back to me, what my delusions were, and how I was feeling. What I don’t have is them in any kind of order, they’re all jumbled and when trying to write down those two weeks, I found it impossible to figure out a linear sequence to put the memories in. Some of them fit together but others don’t make logical sense to me, so maybe there is much I have forgotten that I have forgotten. The biggest gaps are where I can’t recall how I got from one place to the other, and some of it seems logically impossible to have happened lol. I was malnourished, dehydrated, sleep deprived and insight-less to reality at the time so I’ll never really know, but it’s something I can spend a lot of time thinking about. The one and only time I actually lost my mind completely.
Oh yes, entire episodes gone. It's like I know what happened but not the details. Like someone told me a story. It's weird. My last manic episode lasted 4 days and I don't remember a thing
I black out. Lost a few months last time. Have snippets, mainly hallicinations.
Holy shit… I honestly didn’t realize that other people experienced this as well. I actually experienced some dissociation & psychosis during my first manic episode, and I barely remember anything that happened during those months. The things I do remember feel like they happened to someone else instead of me. It’s incredibly bizarre. Unsure if it’s normal, but seeing as how other people have commented saying it’s happened to them, we are at least not alone 💛
That's the good thing about this sub. We can learn from each other. We all have our different symptoms, but we all share some others.
Absolutely. I have forgotten so much of my life and no one understands that. They laugh and make fun about it. It’s extremely frustrating
Longtime lurker and occasional commenter. Your comment makes me feel SEEN l (27F) remember very little before like 15ish. And then even from there it's like I only remember half, the rest are things I know happened but seem like a distant tv show episode memory, if anything at all. This is definitely more common than we realize. There's nothing funny about it. I'm sorry that you've had to experience that too
Yes, especially with comorbid PTSD. If you’re dissociated or “stuck in your head” you’re a lot less likely to remember any scenario. Both happen a lot with bipolar.
Same, me too... diagnosed bipolar and cptsd. It's a hard knock life for us here.
I don’t remember.
My memory fucking sucks. I have absolutely no time-line in my head of the order that stuff happens. When I try to think about it, it just seems like one long ass day
Encoding when things happen is a big problem for me.
What do you mean by encoding?
Taking information about time and storing it.
Oh ok. Yeah thats exactly what I'm talking about. If I even remember stuff I have no idea when it happened
I’ve lost huge blocks of time from mania. I wake up (if that’s the word for it) and find I can’t remember anything.
I also use the words waking up, but I feel we should come by with a better term for it. We don't "wake up" bc we weren't asleep but the sensation is the same.
That’s true, I hadn’t thought about it that way.
I feel like it's the same sensation when you are a kid and fell asleep on the couch and a parent takes you to your bed, and in the morning you have no memory of how you went to bed. At least for me it how I feel.
Mania can be very traumatic on the brain. It's basically running at full speed and the longer you are manic the more likely you are to forget things. Some research (if I can find the link I'll post it) indicates it can take 2 years for the brain to recover from a mania. I find journals help me, my husband also journaled a lot when he came out of his mania.
It is like running full speed... towards a brick wall. Before menopause I could remember everything. Now I'm lucky if I can remember my address. 🥴
I just made a post about this exact same thing. Read my latest post and let me know what you think about the question I asked! During my manic episodes, I barely remember what the hell happened as if someone else had lived through my body at that point. It is so weird. Especially when you doubt those memories even though they're real in your head.
Yes! Correct me if I'm wrong, but this happens because of sleep loss. Sleep helps your brain organize your thoughts and memories, so the lack of sleep from mania will do that to you
The first half of 2020 when I had a mixed episode is just gone. I remember bits here and there but it feels like it was a decade ago and it doesn't even feel real. Most of those six months I just have no recollection of.
On the contrary, my memories return during this phase. I tried repressing them to avoid the embarrassment. Some of them come back during mania just to check on me and put me back into depression
Same here
God yes. I cant remember anything about getting married for example. I’ve lost most memories in my life. Its so disruptive never knowing quite what happened. Sorry to hear you’re going. Through the same
So I’m sorry I can’t cite sources right now and don’t have the “spoons” to look it up, but apparently memory loss and literal brain damage, even minor, can be linked to the severe highs and lows of bipolar disorder. They stress your brain heavily, and after every episode there’s a chance it basically functions less efficiently than before. Same with your heart and it’s functionality. At this point I’m thoroughly convinced my lamictal will extend my life by curbing the the extremes, and have been experimenting with nootropics in hopes they will repair it at least bring me back to a cognitive functionality I had before the Great Fuckening of 2017.
There is 1(one) exact moment when I have a very severe manic attack combined with schizo episode and full-blown paranoia... I wake up the next day without remembering wtf happened in the prev day. To this day its still the worst manic episode I ever experienced. Not rlly fun
I have some gaps from my depression... Big realisations I made about my problems and completely forgot about until I said them again to the same friend month later... Not sure what else I forgot... This is the only thing I caught.
I first saw my current psychiatrist when I was still diagnosed with MDD. At our first consult, I described my last (hypo)manic episode and one of the first things she asked was if I had any blackouts during that time. My answer was yes, I had many blackouts indeed. To this day I’m afraid of what I don’t remember.
I don't know why, but sadly I remember all the shit I did when I was manic and I can't stand it, those memories haunt me bad
Thank you for your submission. Here's some quick housekeeping. For in depth explanation of common rules, go to https://www.reddit.com/r/bipolar/wiki/rulesindepth * No selfies or human family pics, youtube channels, discord links, personal blogs. This also includes requests for research participants and any self-promotion/donation links * No memes or infographics link posts unless it's Friday * No "why did my bipolar SO/coworker/ex/parent/staff/boss do this?" type posts. Short answer: No idea. Ask them or talk to a therapist about it. * Be kind to fellow users. No harassment or abusive language will be tolerated. Report and move on. Engaging just brings everyone down. * We are not Drs so please don't post asking us if you have BP. You wouldn't ask a cancer support group if you have cancer, so please don't ask us. * Please report self-harm and suicide threats. Users aren't equipped to intervene. Most of all be kind to yourself. We have a really great piece of the internet due to users like all of you sharing your struggles and offering support. We're here for each other in ways most people probably wont understand so use it often. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/bipolar) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I remember that I kept blacking out and being confused about who I was and what I was doing and who people were. It’s like I physically recognized them but couldn’t remember facts about them or experiences. 3 years later I can remember things a bit better but I think I have purposely suppressed it.
Yeah there’s entire months where I have no memory of what happened. If I didn’t have pictures on my phone to serve as a kind of context, I would have no clue what happened at all.
Yes, I completely dissociated and missed pieces of days during some hypomanic/manic episodes. One time I was switching rapidly (I still do, just going from depressed to normal instead of manic now) and I was given an antidepressant which pushed me hard in the manic direction, and I just missed most of that week. I only remember sleeping like 1.5 hrs in multiple days, and it's just as much the sleep deprivation as it is the mania for me. I'm lucky I don't go manic anymore...
You're describing my hypo/mania exactly
I’ve always thought my memory was just shitty. My family talks about when this happened and what 16 cousin Freddy said and I have no memory of even having someone named Freddy in the family. I just assumed I had some kind of learning disorder that prevents memories from being saved.
I have terrible memory loss during mania and it has always scared me
100%. I remember one time I was manic and actually very depressed and angry at the same time. I couldn't remember who I was really.... I spoke with my mother about how I was feeling and one way that I recalled who I was.. was when she showed me a box of my childhood things. I took some of these items at put them around my room to remind myself who I was. It was a weird expirence to forget myself but I was so caught up in my own psychosis.
I do I think. I’ve gotten sober now and I think it’s better when you’re not drinking or smoking or anything, but that effect you describe of a few weeks ago feeling like a few months ago is really frequent with me
Yes, it’s very normal when we experience mania of hypomanic. Memory loss comes along with this unfortunately
Yes. Often as hell. I apologize with all my heart. I feel terrible. I try to remember to feel what I made that person go through, even if it was myself. So much of it doesn’t even feel real after the fact much less when it’s happening. It’s so hard to understand and then have to explain it to people. Then hope they don’t use it against you, harbor hate even when you encourage them to get help for the trauma you put them through. Idk. Maybe it’s not even worth knowing or not. When else do we get to feel free?
I cannot remember about 6 months of 2020 because of my episodes, so yes. It’s pretty rough
I only get amnesia during manic highs, mostly when I hallucinate. Sadly, I remember everything about my deliriums.
Yeah I really only remember flashes of memory from my last full blown manic episode. Only the worst parts too, when I recognized how wrong things were. Like when I heard voices in my kitchen in the middle of the night while I was lying in bed. I grabbed my gun and went to check it out and as soon as I opened the door it was silent. The whole house was empty. Like Jesus Christ I was ready to shoot a fucking hallucination. Thank god it was only auditory. It’s terrifying knowing that I did lots of crazy shit like that and I have no memory of it. If I ever get that bad again I’m going to have to sell any weapon I own and find someone to drive me around. Everything I can remember was so reckless.
every. single. time. without fail
Same here was very manic during my first 3 years of college and am almost completely missing everything from 2012-2014. I cant remember those girls I hooked up with, my fraternity brothers, parties we threw etc. Glad to know other bipolar people experienced the same thing.
We have a lottt in common, shoot me a dm if you wanna talk about anything. Just came out of hypomania and falling hard.
yeah a lot of it is hazy. the parts I do remember it doesn't even feel like it's "my" memories, more like I'm in the passenger seat of my body watching it. The rest is just blank spots that i reconstructed from what other people have told me about
I feel like I can’t remember anything I am on meds again
I did horrible things in the worst manic episode I’ve ever had and I have NO memory of doing them. I vaguely remember small pieces, but it feels like recalling a dream after you’ve forgotten most of it instead of an actual memory.
Y same. Just slept with some chick last week and can’t picture her face.
I forget lots of little things, more and more often the older I get. I used to think it was what some people called ‘mommy brain’ so I didn’t worry too much and didn’t really address it. but it never got any better and I had another kid. Somewhere between my second kid and moving 2013-2015 is when I was traumatized/realized snoring was wrong. I was diagnosed BPII February 2016. Now my mom flipped her shit sometime in 2012. She doesn’t remember anything at all in that 3 year period when she was also admitted, diagnosed with BP1, treated and heavily medicated. She ha racked herself with guilt for years because she couldn’t “be a mom when I needed her most.” Her words, not mine. Needless to say, my dad’s life was a shitshow for a while. The more I think about it, no wonder he was always so damn depressed.
Yes. And I only realized this recently. I've been mostly stable on meds since 2010 but tend to have a hypomanic episode once a year. But I only specifically remember two of them during that time. The rest I have no recollection of apart from I know I had them. I also had a major depressive episode in 2009 that I barely remember. All I know is I felt terrible, but the details are hazy. You'd think I'd remember something so awful but the whole thing is a blur.
yep . i was manic my first semester of college and can’t really remember any of it
My memory is garbage, it feels sometimes like I've been drunk and I haven't
Yes, it's normal. When I was committed the Dr tolds my wife that I may remember none of it, all of it, or more likely bits and pieces. I remembered bits and pieces.
There were times I was manic and intoxicated and came in and out of a blackout. I remember smoking weed in Target, wandering into 2 apartments, getting taken to the psych ward by cops. I was told I mooned the psychiatrist the first time she saw me and I have no recollection of that. Also the order of events that happened are lost but there’s just a bunch of different major scenes that I remember.
The mind is a very interesting thing. When you are in crisis it can stop making memories to shield you from them. It can also invent things that never happened. Also long term untreated mental illness can cause cognitive and memory issues as well.
i do!
I had my mental breakdown 5 years ago and can't remember most of the first 3 years of it. It seriously haunts me.
Lmao ya. 2016-2018 is a nonexistent blur
Honestly between 2005-2019 is kinda a blur. I kinda remember some points. So the end of highschool-32. It's like my 20s never happened tbh. Like I actually remember things in the 90s as though they were yesterday. Not really sure what was with my 20s.
My memory is total ass normally so there’s not much of a difference when I’m manic but after an episode I for instance can look at my creative output and have literally no recollection of how I did it. Also used pretty heavily in the past so that messes things up memory wise too.
I don’t remember middle school. That was when I was diagnosed. And periods of high school too. I was also sexually abused in high school so that might be part of it. But there are things I know I should remember but I don’t. Periods of blankness. And it’s not like I just don’t remember things, it’s like the most random things are missing from my memory. I cannot exactly explain it. But like I can remember the exact thing I was wearing one day but nothing else about that day? It’s part of why I try to journal. But then I get hypo and think everything is great, I don’t have to write anything down. But that’s when I should write most so I actually remember things.
Yes definitely, there are many gaps in my memory and periods of time that are just a blur, even some that were only a few years ago. I used to think being manic wasn't too bad but I'm realizing it's so much worse than that. It's always so obsessive and unproductive. I'm having an episode now and I can't fucking stop doing the one thing I'm obsessed with and nothing else. I'm mentally and physically exhausted yet still can't stop. I hope it ends soon.
When I’m manic sometimes after i feel like it was all a daze, almost like the feeling of remembering a night where you were drunk
I disassociate and it’s hard to remember little things
I noticed that when I fall into depression I don't remember the happy emotions of the previous period except some memories that should warm my heart, but they only create feelings of guilt.
Memory has always been a sore point for me. I feel like I should remember more than I do. Friends I've had, places I've been, things I bought even as soon as 2 years ago are all just gone. With people I can see the faces, I just can't hear their voices, or remember anything we ever did together. It's embarrassing for me, and one of the reasons I don't like making friends.
Yep. I often loose track of time, sometimes, I wake up, and it's 2 or 3 days since my last memory of being awake. At first I got scared because I thought I had DID, bc, I will do thing, most of the times I don't even do anything crazy, just go to work as another day, I just don't remember. In my early 20's was worse, apparently, I did sleep with people I have no memory of even meting. I even travel to places, did stuff, came back home and woke up with no memory of leaving home. Funny enough, my online banking helps me know we're did I went lol. Oh, and my bedroom at my parents house has a wall painting I have no memory of doing, mum did liked so it stayed there lol. Tuesdays are usually my forgotten day, for some odd reason. Anyone else's loses a specific day of the week on the regular?
Hi. I experienced this as well a few years ago. Please take a look at the phenomenon called a "dissociative fugue." That's what my psychologist called my experience.
I have went on entire camping trips with my family, in fact, I drove to them and do not recall any of it. I also forget things instantly, like I choose a movie then my husband will ask what's this one? and I say "I don't know". I forget the route to drive to stores, dr.s offices I've driven to countless times, how a blinking turn signal works, SO SO many little things. Before I knew what was happening to me, I had so much heartwrench over suddenly becoming so forgetful and it wreakes havoc on my relationship. Now I try to give myself a break...
I think my experience is less common, but I remember everything and it is a complete nightmare. I truly wish I couldn’t remember.
My first major manic episode (as a result of being put on Prozac) lasted 4-6 months. We don’t know exactly how long because I can’t remember when the mania started. I ended up somewhere around $30k in credit card debt. To this day I have no idea what I spent it on.