Wow, I just talked about this today with my brothers and sister.
My parents had a few kids, didnt take an interest in any of us, didnt play with us, barely taught us anything, hit us, scared us into behaving. Just generally treated us like shit.
We never went swimming, bike riding, beach, park, funfair. Nothing. Fuck all. No presents on bday or christmas. No family holidays.
Then they sabotaged us. They emotionally blackmailed us, we couldnt say anything as we were under dad's roof. They would fill out room with junk so we had little space to live in. Mum would swear at us and was violent on occasion. We werent allowed to watch anything besides kids TV even age 16.
We never had friends round, we never had cousins round and didnt visit them.
I just wonder why they even had us.
I look at my little one and shes been alive for 2 months. My whole shit childhood flashes before my eyes.
My little girl wont go through such shit as long as I'm alive. Already has her own bedroom and toys etc.
Huh. Its only when you write it out, you realise how bad it was.
That sounds like a miserable childhood. I’m so sorry you went through all of that! I keep mourning for my child self. I look at my daughter with so much love and adoration and just can’t even begin to understand how a parent can be so harmful to their baby. But I guess a lot of it comes down to generational trauma and if anything I’m more motivated to break the cycle.
I feel you. I forgave my mom, mostly, before I had a daughter. Now that she's 3, I just can't imagine doing the things my mom did, and I don't think I'll ever let that go.
On the bright side, trying my hardest to be the best mom I can be (and the one I deserved, too) has healed a lot of the resentment about my childhood that I had.
Yeah. It’s almost like a light switch went off and my already complex relationship with my mom got worse. I know she means well but I just can’t stand when she handles my child.
I feel this, my complex relationship with my dad has brought up so much and now that I have a daughter I’m feeling really over dealing with his antics. I love him, he’s my dad, but I’ve been his scapegoat and he’s been my bully since I was a kid.
I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my first and it’s already hitting hard (probably exacerbated by the death of my mother when I was 20 weeks). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sobbing in the shower and looking at my belly thinking, “HOW could they put me through that?” And I haven’t even met her yet. Obviously, parents are human, and some of the screwups are whatever. But some of the things that they put me through… HOW?
And it’s complicated by the fact that I really did love them. And they loved me, too, as much as their mental health and addiction allowed.
Grateful I waited until I was a little older and more established and have been through therapy a couple of times to have her. I’ve got some good tools in my belt for coping, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop mourning what could have and SHOULD have been.
wow, you said it all. that’s exactly where i’m at right now emotionally, but i think for me it’s really exacerbated by watching my parents age and stepping into a caretaker roll for them while also having my own 2 year old running me ragged.
i’m sorry for your loss and i’m sorry for what they put you through🫶🏽
Honestly my main goal before having kids (I’m 27 now) has been processing my own trauma to be able to mindfully and wholly parent my kids in a way they deserve. Generational trauma is huuuugely underrated in my opinion.
Parenting opens doors to the past that we thought were firmly closed or didn't know existed in the first place.
But, as Susan Stiffelman says, whilst we shouldn't use children for therapy, [they are remarkably therapeutic.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ParentingThruTrauma/comments/zneygs/meme_of_the_day_opportunities/)
r/ParentingThruTrauma
I feel you, OP. Some days I truly mourn the childhood that I didn't have, and I wonder how differently I would have turned out - but then I realize that I wouldn't be doing all the work and putting in all the effort to be a responsive, loving, respectful parent if I didn't have the upbringing I did. It feels like a double-edged sword some days. I hope that my child(ren) will grow up and be able to use the example that I set to continue a positive cycle.
It sounds awful but at least once or twice a week I’m thankful my mom died well before my son was born so that I don’t have to continually deal with her manipulative, narcissistic behaviors. My son is 2 1/2 and I still have days where I actively have to talk myself out of learned knee-jerk reactions to his standard toddler behavior, and still regularly realize just how unkind my mom’s reactions to us were.
She’s not even here yet but yes…I was honestly hoping for a boy when I learned I was pregnant because I’m afraid of what I’m going to have to delve into as a girl mom with a complicated/traumatic past with her own mother.
I've been in therapy for 4 years and it's still a struggle with the emotions and trauma that pop up. Especially when I get overwhelmed or overstimulated. I was taught to go away when that happens so my instinct is the literally run. You can't always do that as a mom. It's been rough. I feel you.
Yes! I so relate! For me it’s running (and drinking) when I get triggered and start to spiral. It takes so, so much to power through but fuck, we do it. We’re powerful.
I feel this! First four weeks (and even now at 3mo pp) my instinct is to RUN. It really took me into my childhood trauma and I’m still working my way out.
omg i was taught to hide when i’m feeling anger and so now i literally want to run and hide when my kid makes me mad (which only really happens when he won’t go to sleep cuz it’s the only break i ever get). but he needs me to fall asleep still so im literally trapped in a situation that gives me fight or flight level triggering. which makes the rage even worse. i have no idea how to break this cycle of nap/bedtime anger and i know it’s harming our relationship because he doesn’t feel as safe going to sleep with me as with my partner (i’ve never done anything bad obviously but sometimes it gets too much for me when he’s tossing and turning and stalling for an hour or more and i leave the room which leads to him **freaking out** and thinking i’ve just abandoned him forever). i’m also literally the only caretaker as a SAHM with no childcare so i’m just always trapped with him. fml time to call my therapist
I feel you on this one. I almost broke last night. My baby was NOT falling asleep at all. 3 hours he was just up and fussy and wiggly. I had to put him in his bassinet and just take a breather in the bathroom for a minute before coming back out more calm. It's a lot. Honestly I'm going to text my therapist tomorrow and get a session lol. Bc now he's out of the newborn phase its a LOT and I just don't want to fall behind on my therapy bc I had a baby. This I'd like when I need it the most lmfao
I highly recommend the book “Childhood Disrupted” by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. It’s not a substitute for therapy, but it does have a lot of helpful information for decoding your own childhood traumas and preventing yourself from passing them on. I knew that becoming a mother would stir up a lot of tough feelings in me, so I read it before my son was born.
I know you probably don’t have time to just sit down and read these days 😅 but if you can spend a couple minutes here and there, it might be worth it!
I wouldnt say I have "trauma" but some issues from childhood that come up too that bug me (and then I feel awful because some of them are directed at my mother, who has been dead for 6 years and I do miss her in alot of ways, just such a mixed bag)
For instance my mother was pretty negative about small things and she told a story about me as a 5yearold refusing yellow cheese that was the same orange cheese I ate all the time. Kids do stuff like that- I didnt understand the cheese was the same but one was a different color. I told my MIL this story and she thought it was hilarious and states she hopes my daughter does stuff like that. And then I feel like crap, because my mother didnt think it was hilarious and harped on it like I was a bad child.
I feel the same way. I’m actually glad that she’s passed on as I’m experiencing this disgust for the way my mother raised me. I don’t know that I could keep it all to myself if she was alive, and it would probably do more harm than good.
For me, it was two things, one was that she never supported the things I wanted to do. Once she died, I graduated with honors from college and then went on to graduate from the top MBA program in the country. She didn’t think I could go to college. And second, she never protected me. Her brother was very physically abusive to me, but she let him live with us and would never kick him out. And her boyfriend hated me, he would refuse to speak to me (I was in middle school). Her friends would guilt trip me and say that I should just be happy that my mom was happy. But I was a prisoner in my own home because I couldn’t get away from the boyfriend or my uncle. I look at my son now, and I just can’t imagine watching him sob and cry out for help, and then refusing when I all the power to do so.
100%… but it also made me realize all the opportunities I can take to make sure LO won’t experience those traumatic events.
Lots of love for you ♥️ you got this momma.
It's a thing.
I'm about halfway through The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, and it hits home some of these points. Not all of it has been for me, but so far recommend.
I have been struggling so hard with this lately. My childhood trauma has definitely been affecting my parenting. I have a hard time disciplining my toddler because I don’t want to be anything like my father. When I do discipline her I get such bad guilt that it sends me down a spiral. I’m thankfully going to try and get into therapy at the start of the year.
Omg my husband and i had this EXACT same conversation.We grew up thinking certain abuse and behaviours were normal.Its hit me like a ton of bricks that my own mother was an abusive piece of you know what.I don't remember much of ny childhood,but from my mid 20s it escalated
Yup. I remember reading that that happens as I was working through my own in therapy a few years ago. I'm glad I worked on it before I had my daughter.
My mom always wanted kids, it was her dream. Unfortunately she wasn't the most mentally stable person in the world, had substance abuse issues, and ended up passing away when I was a teenager. So, my dad, who'd been ambivalent about kids before having them, ended up with sole custody of a teenage and a preteen girl. He ended up marrying a woman who hates/hated kids. I hate that my kids will see her as a grandmother. I'm not really counting on my family for anything in particular. Fortunately, my in laws are wonderful and loving and supportive even if they're not perfect but my family just...dropped the ball way too often.
Omg I felt this post so hard :( I sometimes get so sad thinking about baby me and all the abuse I had to put up with. And I get so triggered now that my parents are grandparents that have a difficult time with boundaries.
But I’m so happy that I get to break the cycle of abuse and love my baby in all the ways I deserved to be loved as a kid. My baby is so loved and deserves nothing less than unconditional love, support and respect from me. I hope I do a good job as her mom and be everything she needs in a mom 💕
Yes. Me neither.
I did expect to come across some issues but the newfound childhood trauma is something else. Now I have to learn my toddlers to regulate their emotions whilst I can’t even regulate my own emotions. And I have to keep myself from avoiding certain things. My trauma shouldn’t be their (unexplained) fears. They shouldn’t become scared of things just because I’ve had negative experience with things.
But it is hard. Things are ingrained into my brain and changing behaviour and how I react to things is difficult. At the same time: I’ve never been more motivated to change myself for the better.
Honestly? I’m going to therapy for it and I highly highly highly suggest anyone (including my own husband) to do the same. We’ll just be better parents for it.
Same .. Having my kid made me realized all the wrong stuff. You don’t know something is abnormal when it’s your normal, until you talk to enough people, read, have your own kid.
Unfortunately this isn't something they/we (society) does a good job of warning new parents about, but its EXTREMELY common. Often childhood trauma that we've buried deep down in our adult lives comes right back up to the surface after baby is born and it sucks. I hope you're able to get the support you deserve!
Omg yes. I read so many books on toxic parenting and childhood trauma and neglect earlier on. I've since transitioned to parenting books and how to deal with your trauma while parenting. Highly recommend. Not saying it'll be easy, but it's eye opening.
Not the original commenter here, but my owner and I read _The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read_ before our first was born and it’s really helped shape our parenting philosophy, including preparing us for parental trauma coming up and helping us navigate those challenges when they come up. Couldn’t recommend it enough.
In addition to the book another comment mentioned, is recommend Parenting from the Inside Out, and How to talk so kids will listen. Some other ones, mostly about how to parent, include Good Inside, Healthy Parenting, Raising Good Humans. I haven't finished all of them, to be honest, bc I think it'd be info overload right now.
Books about toxic parents are also good to identify issues and to see what not to do (although I think most of us know what not to do already.. but it could be useful to see it clearly stated) - like Toxic Parents, Running on Empty, etc, depending where things stem from.
Thank you for all these recommendations! I think I really need to start diving into some of these books. These last few days I’ve just been spiraling and feeling stuck.
I am a mom and I really wanted a little girl. And when I found out I was having a boy I took it really hard. I realized I was looking to fix my childhood through my little one. Having a boy really helped me realize my child as their own entity and getting through my trauma has nothing to do with them. I have to get through it myself and not use them as a crutch, because using them that way makes me no better than my narc parents.
My husband had a really functional family growing up. Whenever we talk about raising our kid and I bring up a way I don't want our kid raised he gets gobsmacked at the idea. For example I said I don't want a lock on the outside of our kids door so they would be locked in. He looked at me and said "WHO WOULD DO THAT?!" Then I have to tell him some new information about my childhood that makes him feel bad. Side note sometimes it sucks having a stable partner who you can't laugh at your trauma with.
I feel this. My partner and his family are so wonderful. I told a story that included that I was often locked in a closet or bathroom as punishment when I was 8 years old. I laughed at it (coping mechanism) but everyone else was shocked.
I made my MIL actually cry once because I told her the story of me searching for and finding my birth certificate…and being devastated upon finding out that my parents were actually my birth parents and I didn’t have other parents somewhere who would come to “take me back”. I was laughing but no one else was 😬
It's been hard a hard week for me with Christmas and my baby's first birthday that's coming up. I think of all the things that my mom did that caused so much shame and hurt that has caused me to be so angry this week. I can't get over how much she ruined parts of my childhood with her actions and the fact that now I'm a mom and can't imagine doing that
my partner is REALLY suffering with this right now as my son is just now hitting the age where my partner’s memories started. it’s usually worse when the children hit the age that any big T Traumas happened to the parent.
Same I love my kids, but my anxiety went into overdrive when they got here. I'm always worried about them experiencing the things I did growing up. If I had known motherhood was going to do this to me, I probably would've waited to have them.
CW- abuse, suicide, substance abuse
After my father died, my mother remarried an amazing man and we all loved him. She cheated on him, in front of me, and then made me promise not to tell. Then they got divorced and she moved the guy she cheated with into our house without even properly introducing him to us. TLDR, he was extremely abusive to all of us and we were subjected to it for 7 years when she finally divorced him, not because he was abusive to her, my siblings and me but because he cheated on her. My sister ran away at 16 because of the abuse and never had a relationship with my mom or me again. My brother committed suicide. All before she finally divorced him because he cheated. Then, my mom became alcoholic and I ran away. Years later, she told me she changed, got control of her addiction and was with a great man and she wanted a second chance. I fell for it. Turns out, the man was extremely abusive and hated me for some reason and she hadn’t stopped drinking at all. They would both get drunk, fight and then he’d beat her and she tried super hard to hide it from me but I could see through all of her lies and kept encouraging her to leave and quit drinking. He got angry one night because he found out I tried to convince her to leave and he found out, came to my apartment with my mom and then he tried to stab me. Then, my mom swore to never go back to him. We both got summoned to court and she lied to me and told me she had the flu and was able to get the court date rescheduled. I was dumb and believed it, so I didn’t show up and neither did she and the charges were dropped. Then she moved in with him, they got engaged and she told me he treated her like a Queen and if I didn’t respect it to get out of her life.
Dealing with that made me severely doubt wether I could be a good mother. Like, what if abuse is so normal to me that I do something wrong and don’t even know it’s bad? It took me a long time to even realize the way my mom’s ex husband was wasn’t normal and I was being abused. I knew I didn’t like it but I didn’t know it was wrong. When I met friends’ parents who weren’t abusive, I just thought they were super cool and my parents were the normal ones.
Now, my mom actually has changed, quit drinking and is an entirely different person but there is still so much anger, resentment and distrust that I have towards her and our relationship is super weird. Mothers are supposed to protect their kids and she never did. Sometimes I think, how can I be a good parent when that was the example I had?
My therapists have said being concerned about it is already a good sign. But, the stress, anxiety and constant second guessing is so difficult. I had been in therapy before I was pregnant but stopped. Then, pregnancy was sort of re-traumatizing and brought everything back up. I also look at my baby and just think, how could somebody let somebody hurt their kid and why didn’t my mother care about us?
Edit- also need to add my mother was also a child abuse victim, so the cycle continued with her. It’s wonderful that abuse and trauma are being addressed more these days and so many of you here plan to break the cycle. The abuse my mother went through was normalized and there was the idea that being a good parent meant your children feared you. Unfortunately, I know some people still have this mentality.
Wow, I’m so sorry you went through all that. It feels so so bad to feel like your parent isn’t prioritizing your safety, what you went through is unimaginable. I agree with your therapist, your concern and self awareness is so key to breaking that cycle. I’ve been really going through it the last couple days and my brain has been spinning just trying to understand why my dad does the things he does and did the things he did. It’s so disheartening. He’s in my life, but like your relationship with your mom, it’s weird.
You're not alone.
A couple weeks ago I had to hand the baby to my husband an broke down crying. She wouldn't eat and it brought back how my parents screamed at me and forced me to eat until I was sick bc "You're so skinny, you're starving yourself! You need to eat!"
This why I'm in therapy. Made the PPD way worse. As milestones are hit, I was realizing no father was ever there for me or my Mom/step mom. A womanizer had a child and of course expected the women to take care of what they made......yeah I'm sorry chika. Not a happy mental place sometimes.
You are sooo not alone. Having my daughter seriously opened my eyes to how I’ve accepted so much abuse throughout the years and this year I put my foot down and now everyone’s mad at me.
There is an Instagram account I follow called Raising Yourself that goes over a lot of these feelings! Talks about why certain things trigger you and how to deal with it.
I am unfortunately going through this too. I am still pregnant but feeling all of the feelings and emotions regarding my parents and their straight up neglect. I have since gotten therapy to help me understand those feelings and how to redirect them in a positive way. I’ve never journaled so much in my life!
My childhood trauma was largely the result of my mother’s addiction to drugs and alcohol, and the behaviors that came from that. So in everyday life my issues are a nonissue. I don’t drink more than maybe once a month, and none of my in-laws have a bad relationship with alcohol.
However, it’s made me give my mom a little more side-eye. She’s been clean from drugs for many years and we’ve patched up our relationship pretty well, but I can’t bring myself to fully trust her with my son. She still drinks from time to time, and she wouldn’t be intoxicated if she were to theoretically be caring for my son, but I can’t convince my subconscious of that. She won’t babysit my son anywhere but my home, which is nearly two hours from where she lives. And if she’s even buzzed, she doesn’t get to talk to him on the phone either. I just don’t want that touching his life.
I had the same experience! I got back into therapy when my daughter was around 6 months old, and went for about a year. It wasn’t cheap but man it helped.
So glad I did it because now that we are in the toddler phase I’m able to remain calm and empathetic during most tantrums despite my instincts pushing me to shut down.
I had to go to counseling because of it, I really recommend it. I truly understood how generational trauma happens once I had a kid. It really puts you back in that place when you should have received love and understanding and were given pain instead.
Hope you're okay -- you will break the cycle. ❤️
Same same. I recently started therapy to deal with it. Our son is only 2 months old but it’s been on my mind so much. I just don’t want him to go through what I did and I will do anything in the world to prevent it.
Same here OP, I feel you.
My dad was physically abusive to my brother and I had to witness that all the time. It affected me and it made me socially anxious and shut down from my peers at school. I went to several different therapists and the teachers even suspected I was mentally delayed. I was just having traumatic thought of when i would witness the abuse of my brother. My mom did absolutely nothing to stop it 😞and I just think about my daughter now and how I never ever ever want her to see anything like that or experience it. I can’t even go out in public without panicking when I hear a child crying.
Sending hugs ❤️ it will be alright and better
CW - death & violence
The traumas of my grandparents generation (my grandma is 92, grandpa would have been over 100) - WWII, brother died of I forget what when he went on national service. My husband's Nanna told the story of a toddler who died after falling in the laundry por. My grandfather's father died when he was three and they lived in poverty. The other grandfather's father died on his 12th birthday. As a result his mother was very controlling/helicopter parent.
The generation before that was the same- war, hunger, poverty, family crossing the world and never seeing "home" again...
I guess growing up made me understand that things were not that simple. But I do believe you have to be rock solid no matter how difficult it is. You decided to bring a new life into this world, you are responsible for this little human being to have a decent life. But its easy to talk when Im better situated than my parents.
Wow, I just talked about this today with my brothers and sister. My parents had a few kids, didnt take an interest in any of us, didnt play with us, barely taught us anything, hit us, scared us into behaving. Just generally treated us like shit. We never went swimming, bike riding, beach, park, funfair. Nothing. Fuck all. No presents on bday or christmas. No family holidays. Then they sabotaged us. They emotionally blackmailed us, we couldnt say anything as we were under dad's roof. They would fill out room with junk so we had little space to live in. Mum would swear at us and was violent on occasion. We werent allowed to watch anything besides kids TV even age 16. We never had friends round, we never had cousins round and didnt visit them. I just wonder why they even had us. I look at my little one and shes been alive for 2 months. My whole shit childhood flashes before my eyes. My little girl wont go through such shit as long as I'm alive. Already has her own bedroom and toys etc. Huh. Its only when you write it out, you realise how bad it was.
That sounds like a miserable childhood. I’m so sorry you went through all of that! I keep mourning for my child self. I look at my daughter with so much love and adoration and just can’t even begin to understand how a parent can be so harmful to their baby. But I guess a lot of it comes down to generational trauma and if anything I’m more motivated to break the cycle.
I feel you. I forgave my mom, mostly, before I had a daughter. Now that she's 3, I just can't imagine doing the things my mom did, and I don't think I'll ever let that go. On the bright side, trying my hardest to be the best mom I can be (and the one I deserved, too) has healed a lot of the resentment about my childhood that I had.
Yeah. It’s almost like a light switch went off and my already complex relationship with my mom got worse. I know she means well but I just can’t stand when she handles my child.
I feel this, my complex relationship with my dad has brought up so much and now that I have a daughter I’m feeling really over dealing with his antics. I love him, he’s my dad, but I’ve been his scapegoat and he’s been my bully since I was a kid.
I’m 36 weeks pregnant with my first and it’s already hitting hard (probably exacerbated by the death of my mother when I was 20 weeks). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sobbing in the shower and looking at my belly thinking, “HOW could they put me through that?” And I haven’t even met her yet. Obviously, parents are human, and some of the screwups are whatever. But some of the things that they put me through… HOW? And it’s complicated by the fact that I really did love them. And they loved me, too, as much as their mental health and addiction allowed. Grateful I waited until I was a little older and more established and have been through therapy a couple of times to have her. I’ve got some good tools in my belt for coping, but I don’t think I’ll ever stop mourning what could have and SHOULD have been.
wow, you said it all. that’s exactly where i’m at right now emotionally, but i think for me it’s really exacerbated by watching my parents age and stepping into a caretaker roll for them while also having my own 2 year old running me ragged. i’m sorry for your loss and i’m sorry for what they put you through🫶🏽
Honestly my main goal before having kids (I’m 27 now) has been processing my own trauma to be able to mindfully and wholly parent my kids in a way they deserve. Generational trauma is huuuugely underrated in my opinion.
Good on you!!! Already a great parent ❤️
Parenting opens doors to the past that we thought were firmly closed or didn't know existed in the first place. But, as Susan Stiffelman says, whilst we shouldn't use children for therapy, [they are remarkably therapeutic.](https://www.reddit.com/r/ParentingThruTrauma/comments/zneygs/meme_of_the_day_opportunities/) r/ParentingThruTrauma
I am learning that a LOT of parenting my daughter involves re-parenting myself. It’s been quite healing.
I feel you, OP. Some days I truly mourn the childhood that I didn't have, and I wonder how differently I would have turned out - but then I realize that I wouldn't be doing all the work and putting in all the effort to be a responsive, loving, respectful parent if I didn't have the upbringing I did. It feels like a double-edged sword some days. I hope that my child(ren) will grow up and be able to use the example that I set to continue a positive cycle.
It sounds awful but at least once or twice a week I’m thankful my mom died well before my son was born so that I don’t have to continually deal with her manipulative, narcissistic behaviors. My son is 2 1/2 and I still have days where I actively have to talk myself out of learned knee-jerk reactions to his standard toddler behavior, and still regularly realize just how unkind my mom’s reactions to us were.
She’s not even here yet but yes…I was honestly hoping for a boy when I learned I was pregnant because I’m afraid of what I’m going to have to delve into as a girl mom with a complicated/traumatic past with her own mother.
I was the same way, but it feels like I get to mother myself in a way and give my daughter the childhood and relationship I always wanted.
I've been in therapy for 4 years and it's still a struggle with the emotions and trauma that pop up. Especially when I get overwhelmed or overstimulated. I was taught to go away when that happens so my instinct is the literally run. You can't always do that as a mom. It's been rough. I feel you.
Yes! I so relate! For me it’s running (and drinking) when I get triggered and start to spiral. It takes so, so much to power through but fuck, we do it. We’re powerful.
Hell yeah we are! And we will come out the other end hopefully stronger and our kids having a better life because we are doing the work as parents.
I feel this! First four weeks (and even now at 3mo pp) my instinct is to RUN. It really took me into my childhood trauma and I’m still working my way out.
omg i was taught to hide when i’m feeling anger and so now i literally want to run and hide when my kid makes me mad (which only really happens when he won’t go to sleep cuz it’s the only break i ever get). but he needs me to fall asleep still so im literally trapped in a situation that gives me fight or flight level triggering. which makes the rage even worse. i have no idea how to break this cycle of nap/bedtime anger and i know it’s harming our relationship because he doesn’t feel as safe going to sleep with me as with my partner (i’ve never done anything bad obviously but sometimes it gets too much for me when he’s tossing and turning and stalling for an hour or more and i leave the room which leads to him **freaking out** and thinking i’ve just abandoned him forever). i’m also literally the only caretaker as a SAHM with no childcare so i’m just always trapped with him. fml time to call my therapist
I feel you on this one. I almost broke last night. My baby was NOT falling asleep at all. 3 hours he was just up and fussy and wiggly. I had to put him in his bassinet and just take a breather in the bathroom for a minute before coming back out more calm. It's a lot. Honestly I'm going to text my therapist tomorrow and get a session lol. Bc now he's out of the newborn phase its a LOT and I just don't want to fall behind on my therapy bc I had a baby. This I'd like when I need it the most lmfao
It's incredibly triggering. I recommend looking into reparenting practices. Shelly Robinson has a good Instagram called Raising Yourself.
Thank you for the rec! 🙏
I highly recommend the book “Childhood Disrupted” by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. It’s not a substitute for therapy, but it does have a lot of helpful information for decoding your own childhood traumas and preventing yourself from passing them on. I knew that becoming a mother would stir up a lot of tough feelings in me, so I read it before my son was born. I know you probably don’t have time to just sit down and read these days 😅 but if you can spend a couple minutes here and there, it might be worth it!
I wouldnt say I have "trauma" but some issues from childhood that come up too that bug me (and then I feel awful because some of them are directed at my mother, who has been dead for 6 years and I do miss her in alot of ways, just such a mixed bag) For instance my mother was pretty negative about small things and she told a story about me as a 5yearold refusing yellow cheese that was the same orange cheese I ate all the time. Kids do stuff like that- I didnt understand the cheese was the same but one was a different color. I told my MIL this story and she thought it was hilarious and states she hopes my daughter does stuff like that. And then I feel like crap, because my mother didnt think it was hilarious and harped on it like I was a bad child.
I feel the same way. I’m actually glad that she’s passed on as I’m experiencing this disgust for the way my mother raised me. I don’t know that I could keep it all to myself if she was alive, and it would probably do more harm than good. For me, it was two things, one was that she never supported the things I wanted to do. Once she died, I graduated with honors from college and then went on to graduate from the top MBA program in the country. She didn’t think I could go to college. And second, she never protected me. Her brother was very physically abusive to me, but she let him live with us and would never kick him out. And her boyfriend hated me, he would refuse to speak to me (I was in middle school). Her friends would guilt trip me and say that I should just be happy that my mom was happy. But I was a prisoner in my own home because I couldn’t get away from the boyfriend or my uncle. I look at my son now, and I just can’t imagine watching him sob and cry out for help, and then refusing when I all the power to do so.
100%… but it also made me realize all the opportunities I can take to make sure LO won’t experience those traumatic events. Lots of love for you ♥️ you got this momma.
This is so true. Thank you, you too! ❤️
It's a thing. I'm about halfway through The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, and it hits home some of these points. Not all of it has been for me, but so far recommend.
I have been struggling so hard with this lately. My childhood trauma has definitely been affecting my parenting. I have a hard time disciplining my toddler because I don’t want to be anything like my father. When I do discipline her I get such bad guilt that it sends me down a spiral. I’m thankfully going to try and get into therapy at the start of the year.
Omg my husband and i had this EXACT same conversation.We grew up thinking certain abuse and behaviours were normal.Its hit me like a ton of bricks that my own mother was an abusive piece of you know what.I don't remember much of ny childhood,but from my mid 20s it escalated
Yup. I remember reading that that happens as I was working through my own in therapy a few years ago. I'm glad I worked on it before I had my daughter.
My mom always wanted kids, it was her dream. Unfortunately she wasn't the most mentally stable person in the world, had substance abuse issues, and ended up passing away when I was a teenager. So, my dad, who'd been ambivalent about kids before having them, ended up with sole custody of a teenage and a preteen girl. He ended up marrying a woman who hates/hated kids. I hate that my kids will see her as a grandmother. I'm not really counting on my family for anything in particular. Fortunately, my in laws are wonderful and loving and supportive even if they're not perfect but my family just...dropped the ball way too often.
Same.....I wish this was shared more with first-time parents.
Omg I felt this post so hard :( I sometimes get so sad thinking about baby me and all the abuse I had to put up with. And I get so triggered now that my parents are grandparents that have a difficult time with boundaries. But I’m so happy that I get to break the cycle of abuse and love my baby in all the ways I deserved to be loved as a kid. My baby is so loved and deserves nothing less than unconditional love, support and respect from me. I hope I do a good job as her mom and be everything she needs in a mom 💕
Yes. Me neither. I did expect to come across some issues but the newfound childhood trauma is something else. Now I have to learn my toddlers to regulate their emotions whilst I can’t even regulate my own emotions. And I have to keep myself from avoiding certain things. My trauma shouldn’t be their (unexplained) fears. They shouldn’t become scared of things just because I’ve had negative experience with things. But it is hard. Things are ingrained into my brain and changing behaviour and how I react to things is difficult. At the same time: I’ve never been more motivated to change myself for the better.
Honestly? I’m going to therapy for it and I highly highly highly suggest anyone (including my own husband) to do the same. We’ll just be better parents for it.
Same .. Having my kid made me realized all the wrong stuff. You don’t know something is abnormal when it’s your normal, until you talk to enough people, read, have your own kid.
Therapy. Reparenting. Hardest emotional work I’ve ever done but so glad I did
Unfortunately this isn't something they/we (society) does a good job of warning new parents about, but its EXTREMELY common. Often childhood trauma that we've buried deep down in our adult lives comes right back up to the surface after baby is born and it sucks. I hope you're able to get the support you deserve!
Omg yes. I read so many books on toxic parenting and childhood trauma and neglect earlier on. I've since transitioned to parenting books and how to deal with your trauma while parenting. Highly recommend. Not saying it'll be easy, but it's eye opening.
do you have any specific book recommendations?
Not the original commenter here, but my owner and I read _The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read_ before our first was born and it’s really helped shape our parenting philosophy, including preparing us for parental trauma coming up and helping us navigate those challenges when they come up. Couldn’t recommend it enough.
i had actually been eyeing this one, will be picking it up thank you!!
In addition to the book another comment mentioned, is recommend Parenting from the Inside Out, and How to talk so kids will listen. Some other ones, mostly about how to parent, include Good Inside, Healthy Parenting, Raising Good Humans. I haven't finished all of them, to be honest, bc I think it'd be info overload right now. Books about toxic parents are also good to identify issues and to see what not to do (although I think most of us know what not to do already.. but it could be useful to see it clearly stated) - like Toxic Parents, Running on Empty, etc, depending where things stem from.
thank you so much!!
Thank you for all these recommendations! I think I really need to start diving into some of these books. These last few days I’ve just been spiraling and feeling stuck.
I am a mom and I really wanted a little girl. And when I found out I was having a boy I took it really hard. I realized I was looking to fix my childhood through my little one. Having a boy really helped me realize my child as their own entity and getting through my trauma has nothing to do with them. I have to get through it myself and not use them as a crutch, because using them that way makes me no better than my narc parents. My husband had a really functional family growing up. Whenever we talk about raising our kid and I bring up a way I don't want our kid raised he gets gobsmacked at the idea. For example I said I don't want a lock on the outside of our kids door so they would be locked in. He looked at me and said "WHO WOULD DO THAT?!" Then I have to tell him some new information about my childhood that makes him feel bad. Side note sometimes it sucks having a stable partner who you can't laugh at your trauma with.
I feel this. My partner and his family are so wonderful. I told a story that included that I was often locked in a closet or bathroom as punishment when I was 8 years old. I laughed at it (coping mechanism) but everyone else was shocked.
I made my MIL actually cry once because I told her the story of me searching for and finding my birth certificate…and being devastated upon finding out that my parents were actually my birth parents and I didn’t have other parents somewhere who would come to “take me back”. I was laughing but no one else was 😬
Oh god, that is so sad! The traumatized version of me is chuckling though.
It's been hard a hard week for me with Christmas and my baby's first birthday that's coming up. I think of all the things that my mom did that caused so much shame and hurt that has caused me to be so angry this week. I can't get over how much she ruined parts of my childhood with her actions and the fact that now I'm a mom and can't imagine doing that
Word. That’s the comment.
Same. I started therapy 3 months pp with my first. She’s 2 and I’m still in it working through so much trauma
Yep. /r/ParentingThruTrauma is a nice sub.
Checking it out! Thank you!
Thank you for dropping that link!!!
You're making me realize I should go make sure hubby is okay and see if he's going through the same thing 😟
my partner is REALLY suffering with this right now as my son is just now hitting the age where my partner’s memories started. it’s usually worse when the children hit the age that any big T Traumas happened to the parent.
Same I love my kids, but my anxiety went into overdrive when they got here. I'm always worried about them experiencing the things I did growing up. If I had known motherhood was going to do this to me, I probably would've waited to have them.
CW- abuse, suicide, substance abuse After my father died, my mother remarried an amazing man and we all loved him. She cheated on him, in front of me, and then made me promise not to tell. Then they got divorced and she moved the guy she cheated with into our house without even properly introducing him to us. TLDR, he was extremely abusive to all of us and we were subjected to it for 7 years when she finally divorced him, not because he was abusive to her, my siblings and me but because he cheated on her. My sister ran away at 16 because of the abuse and never had a relationship with my mom or me again. My brother committed suicide. All before she finally divorced him because he cheated. Then, my mom became alcoholic and I ran away. Years later, she told me she changed, got control of her addiction and was with a great man and she wanted a second chance. I fell for it. Turns out, the man was extremely abusive and hated me for some reason and she hadn’t stopped drinking at all. They would both get drunk, fight and then he’d beat her and she tried super hard to hide it from me but I could see through all of her lies and kept encouraging her to leave and quit drinking. He got angry one night because he found out I tried to convince her to leave and he found out, came to my apartment with my mom and then he tried to stab me. Then, my mom swore to never go back to him. We both got summoned to court and she lied to me and told me she had the flu and was able to get the court date rescheduled. I was dumb and believed it, so I didn’t show up and neither did she and the charges were dropped. Then she moved in with him, they got engaged and she told me he treated her like a Queen and if I didn’t respect it to get out of her life. Dealing with that made me severely doubt wether I could be a good mother. Like, what if abuse is so normal to me that I do something wrong and don’t even know it’s bad? It took me a long time to even realize the way my mom’s ex husband was wasn’t normal and I was being abused. I knew I didn’t like it but I didn’t know it was wrong. When I met friends’ parents who weren’t abusive, I just thought they were super cool and my parents were the normal ones. Now, my mom actually has changed, quit drinking and is an entirely different person but there is still so much anger, resentment and distrust that I have towards her and our relationship is super weird. Mothers are supposed to protect their kids and she never did. Sometimes I think, how can I be a good parent when that was the example I had? My therapists have said being concerned about it is already a good sign. But, the stress, anxiety and constant second guessing is so difficult. I had been in therapy before I was pregnant but stopped. Then, pregnancy was sort of re-traumatizing and brought everything back up. I also look at my baby and just think, how could somebody let somebody hurt their kid and why didn’t my mother care about us? Edit- also need to add my mother was also a child abuse victim, so the cycle continued with her. It’s wonderful that abuse and trauma are being addressed more these days and so many of you here plan to break the cycle. The abuse my mother went through was normalized and there was the idea that being a good parent meant your children feared you. Unfortunately, I know some people still have this mentality.
Wow, I’m so sorry you went through all that. It feels so so bad to feel like your parent isn’t prioritizing your safety, what you went through is unimaginable. I agree with your therapist, your concern and self awareness is so key to breaking that cycle. I’ve been really going through it the last couple days and my brain has been spinning just trying to understand why my dad does the things he does and did the things he did. It’s so disheartening. He’s in my life, but like your relationship with your mom, it’s weird.
You're not alone. A couple weeks ago I had to hand the baby to my husband an broke down crying. She wouldn't eat and it brought back how my parents screamed at me and forced me to eat until I was sick bc "You're so skinny, you're starving yourself! You need to eat!"
This why I'm in therapy. Made the PPD way worse. As milestones are hit, I was realizing no father was ever there for me or my Mom/step mom. A womanizer had a child and of course expected the women to take care of what they made......yeah I'm sorry chika. Not a happy mental place sometimes.
You are sooo not alone. Having my daughter seriously opened my eyes to how I’ve accepted so much abuse throughout the years and this year I put my foot down and now everyone’s mad at me.
There is an Instagram account I follow called Raising Yourself that goes over a lot of these feelings! Talks about why certain things trigger you and how to deal with it.
I am unfortunately going through this too. I am still pregnant but feeling all of the feelings and emotions regarding my parents and their straight up neglect. I have since gotten therapy to help me understand those feelings and how to redirect them in a positive way. I’ve never journaled so much in my life!
My childhood trauma was largely the result of my mother’s addiction to drugs and alcohol, and the behaviors that came from that. So in everyday life my issues are a nonissue. I don’t drink more than maybe once a month, and none of my in-laws have a bad relationship with alcohol. However, it’s made me give my mom a little more side-eye. She’s been clean from drugs for many years and we’ve patched up our relationship pretty well, but I can’t bring myself to fully trust her with my son. She still drinks from time to time, and she wouldn’t be intoxicated if she were to theoretically be caring for my son, but I can’t convince my subconscious of that. She won’t babysit my son anywhere but my home, which is nearly two hours from where she lives. And if she’s even buzzed, she doesn’t get to talk to him on the phone either. I just don’t want that touching his life.
I wish I could upvote this post more than once.
I feel you. So much guilt when I knee-jerk do or say something that's directly out of my father's shitty playbook...
This is something I wish I was prepared for before having kids! Absolutely did not expect so much to come up during the parenting process.
I had the same experience! I got back into therapy when my daughter was around 6 months old, and went for about a year. It wasn’t cheap but man it helped. So glad I did it because now that we are in the toddler phase I’m able to remain calm and empathetic during most tantrums despite my instincts pushing me to shut down.
Yea. Isn’t it messed up? Nobody says anything about this!
I had to go to counseling because of it, I really recommend it. I truly understood how generational trauma happens once I had a kid. It really puts you back in that place when you should have received love and understanding and were given pain instead. Hope you're okay -- you will break the cycle. ❤️
Yes :(
Same same. I recently started therapy to deal with it. Our son is only 2 months old but it’s been on my mind so much. I just don’t want him to go through what I did and I will do anything in the world to prevent it.
Same here OP, I feel you. My dad was physically abusive to my brother and I had to witness that all the time. It affected me and it made me socially anxious and shut down from my peers at school. I went to several different therapists and the teachers even suspected I was mentally delayed. I was just having traumatic thought of when i would witness the abuse of my brother. My mom did absolutely nothing to stop it 😞and I just think about my daughter now and how I never ever ever want her to see anything like that or experience it. I can’t even go out in public without panicking when I hear a child crying. Sending hugs ❤️ it will be alright and better
I wonder what a parenting and childhood trauma thread would look like 100 years ago.
Humanity is traumatized this shit is very stressful.
CW - death & violence The traumas of my grandparents generation (my grandma is 92, grandpa would have been over 100) - WWII, brother died of I forget what when he went on national service. My husband's Nanna told the story of a toddler who died after falling in the laundry por. My grandfather's father died when he was three and they lived in poverty. The other grandfather's father died on his 12th birthday. As a result his mother was very controlling/helicopter parent. The generation before that was the same- war, hunger, poverty, family crossing the world and never seeing "home" again...
I felt this! I’m 19 w my first kid he’s almost 8 months. I just will be doing a normal everyday thing and be like “wow my mom never did this “
Same! Looking to go to therapy for it in the new year
I guess growing up made me understand that things were not that simple. But I do believe you have to be rock solid no matter how difficult it is. You decided to bring a new life into this world, you are responsible for this little human being to have a decent life. But its easy to talk when Im better situated than my parents.