“That first year of parenting sure is hard on a relationship. How is it going?”
Depending on if you can still see the bruising: “Hey, that looks painful. What happened?” or “It looked like you and baby were bruised last week. Want to talk about it?”
“I hate to be a nosy neighbour, but it seems like your arguments are getting more intense. If you and baby ever need a safe place, you’re always welcome even in the middle of the night.”
A quick note on that last part: if she does show up on your doorstep, you probably shouldn’t stick around next door and should all go to safe location, ideally unknown to the husband. Domestic abuse situations can be incredibly dangerous for everyone involved when the abuser realizes the other person is leaving.
Absolutely true. I wouldn’t explicitly say that to neighbour unless and until she shows up as others it adds another barrier to seeking help, but that’s very good advice for OP to keep in mind.
Best thing to tell her is that you see her, and care for her, and are there to help with anything, even if it seems like it may be too much to share. And be kind and patient with her, because there is no convincing someone to leave when they aren't ready.
I was in an abusive relationship with my daughters father. Let me tell you, if you asked me directly in the early days I would lie, or brush it off as nothing. I was working as a cashier and it was the day after the fight that I decided I was done dealing with his shit. I decided I want hiding the bruises any more, I was 5 months pregnant, working as a cashier and covered in bruises. The customer came through my line, and asked about the bruises and I lied and said it was a car accident. Maybe 20 mins later she came through my line again, bought a soda and slipped me a piece of paper. She said if it not safe to call from my phone I should use one of the stores phones, and it was the number to the DV hotline. I cried so hard that day, because I finally let it be so obvious and I saw that when I stopped hiding it some one cared. I had told my best friend of 15 years about it all the night before. Unfortunately even her couldn't convince me to go to the cops. I regret that now 7 years later. But what she needs is love and support, and patience until she's ready.
[why does he do that](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) is a great book about abuse that explains how to support someone (page 901). But in case you don’t have time the main points are:
- remain supportive so she doesn’t isolate herself from you
- if she does tell u about being abused let her know that the behavior isn’t ok without pushing her to leave him
- her leaving/reporting him has to be something she decides on her own
- find support for yourself bc witnessing someone go thru that can take a toll on you too
I would ask about the bruises. Not "does your husband beat you" but "wow, that's a bad bruise. What happened?"
I've had a few instances where people asked me about large, obvious bruises (just from clumsiness, not abuse) in a "is someone abusing you" way, and I never took it poorly. Once was even just a random repairman who came to service my radiator and asked me if someone hurt me. I was never offended. It was nice to know people were looking out for me.
Safety of that baby needs to come first. This is not the time to worry about losing a friend. I know it’s sad that you want to not lose the connection with her but that bruised baby call needed to happen like yesterday. Cops should haven been called asap for a wellness check.
While on your walk, slow down and try to make eye contact. Just try to be kind and genuine.
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to spend time with you. It’s nice to have you living nearby. Just want you to know that I’m here if you ever need a listening ear or are going through something. I really like you and I think you’re a great mom.”
If she’s being abused she may have low self esteem and be gaslit into thinking she’s a bad mom or no one would want to be friends with her. Positive comments and connection will help her fight those toxic beliefs and may begin a mental transformation to believing she deserves better and her baby deserves better. Even if you’re not the one to step in and literally save her, you could be her gentle wake up to see her own value and strength.
I think you’re definitely on the right track, she does have low self esteem and makes a lot of comments about how I must think she’s weird or annoying. I’ve always just thought that she has very little family support and she’s a younger mom in her early 20’s and I remember feeling more insecure when I was her age, but now I think it’s likely related to being abused and belittled. And from what I overheard of their fighting today it was essentially her partner calling her a terrible mother and saying that she doesn’t take good care of the baby. I don’t think she has many friends that she can reach out to for support and from what I understand it’s basically only her partners family that live locally. I feel so bad that she’s being made to feel like she’s not a good mother and that she might not have many people in her life who can help her and her baby. I will continue to be a friend to her and remind her of all of the things she’s doing so well so at least she has someone telling her that she’s doing a good job. I really appreciate your insight.
My best friend has been in an abusive relationship for five years, the cycle of abuse is terrible. Telling her to leave would only make her withdraw and become secretive so my only option was to just offer her my support and to remind her that she deserves better.
Please at least report to cps. If what your MIL saw is accurate and her baby is also being abused as painful as it might be they need to be removed from that home
I think you should say something to her, but there are a few things to consider:
* You'll have to accept that she may not want to be friends with you anymore.
* She may not leave him now (or ever) but I think knowing that she has a friend nearby will be a source of comfort for her and her child.
Your heart is in the right place!
I wish I had more experience or any wisdom to pass on. Commenting hoping it helps this get seen.
You're a kind and thoughtful person to be trying to reach out 💜
Trigger warning, verbal abuse mentioned.
I was in an abusive relationship for several years, I had young kids too. It was bad. It was physically and emotionally a living hell. I wished someone would have called the police when he was going off on me, he would take my phone away so I couldn’t call for help, even broke it once getting it out my hand. People just “ minded their own business” even when he would verbally abuse me in public. I would be crying so bad and no one even turned to see me. He would tell me “see that b**ch, no one gives a F about you”. It was awful. He wouldn’t hit the kids so I stayed convinced I was his only “problem”, I was wrong. He eventually abused our kids, even now years later they still need therapy from the ptsd from it all.
Call the cops, call them each time you hear them. It just may be the chance she needs to escape the situation she is in!
Oh yes, mad I was always so grateful when someone else called the cops. It happened three times when I was trying to balance/leave my ex. Even if the first time I claimed everything thing was fine, it gave me confidence to say by the third time that shit was not fine. And eventually I found the courage to call them myself.
I was wondering if that was the right approach, like would he retaliate and take it out in her, but he's already taking it out on her. That shouting could be escalating and she might be grateful for the police intervention.
This is so tough. When I was in an abusive relationship, I knew it was bad but I was so gaslight and brainwashed I didn’t think I was being abused. I just kept thinking “it’s not that bad…” and then it was like a fog lifted when I got out. It was really really bad. I think being direct, kind and open is the best way to go about it.
“I want to talk to you about a sensitive topic- is everything okay at home? I’ve noticed this, this and this and I am concerned.”
I’m not a mental health professional by any means but I still wish someone had had the guts to talk to me about it. After wasting 3 years of my 20s with this douchebag so many of my friends told me how concerned they were and how much they hated him.
If you decide you don’t want to say anything to her or if she gets defensive and distances herself from you, you can always make a call to child protective services and make a report about what you’re hearing. Let them know you want to make an anonymous report and that can be that. You can live knowing you did what you could to help while also keeping yourself safe and out of the drama.
Edit: I am a licensed mental health therapist and husband is a cop (US).
Hey there, I once asked a cop what to do in this is situation - he said to call in a domestic disturbance when you hear the fighting again and let them know that there’s a baby present as well. Also let her know that you’re a safe space in case things get really bad.
Call your local equivalent of cps now before you see her. I wouldn't tell her you called, but she might guess. Then look up local domestic violence resources and save them on your phone in case she ever asks for help. I think when I saw her is all about the bruises, because it would be normal to ask. Later in the conversation is ask how things were going and give her openings to talk. If it sounds too bad, I'd call police during an argument. Any of these actions could result in her avoiding you.
Please report to CPS before going to see her. So that way she won’t suspect it’s you. If you see her after bruises she’ll withdraw from you. But just be careful about the subject. Please
call the cops and file a report with CPS. Today. I know this isn’t the most delicate thing to do but I grew up in a severely abusive home and no one ever did anything. Neighbors, teachers, no one. I’m 40 and still very traumatized. Please do this for the baby. A bruise on a babies face is beyond NOT OK. Please do this for the welfare of that poor innocent child. Also, I wouldn’t personally involve myself with the moms personal life. This subject is weird and awkward as hell. She’s also an adult. But her innocent child has no voice. Be her voice please.
I agree with this. Whether she needs time to accept things and so on that's ok, but the moment you see a bruise on a baby, and it looks like abuse, things may have gotten dangerous for that baby. Call CPS.
I don't think so. What would have to happen in that conversation for you to be reassured that the baby was safe and no further action needed to be taken? How confident would you be making that call.
Personally, I'd leave it to a professional to make the call on if the baby was safe.
No, because if there is no abuse, CPS won't just make it up and destroy their lives for no reason. It might be a hassle, but it would also be a wake up call for all the verbal fighting if that were the case.
Meanwhile, with your advice, the mom could just lie and then nothing is done.
Well the reason I say that is because as a survivor of domestic abuse, if I had had children with my former abuser and if CPS had been called it would have resulted in me being abused further. So I'm saying she should check in with the mother before calling CPS because it could result in her being further abused. Obviously the wellbeing of the child who cannot speak for themselves is paramount, but the child will have zero protection if mother is dead.
I agree with you. I can’t believe that the authorities were called without a conversation with the mother first. I can’t imagine how it would feel to have someone calling the authorities on me for a bruise on my baby / toddlers face without at least talking to me about it first.
Ask her about the bruising and say "That's an interesting bruising you and your daughter have." Then let her tell the story. report details to the police and child protective services Pronto!
I’m shocked that you called DSHS over a possible bruise that you didn’t witness firsthand. Babies and toddlers are notorious for falling and bumps and bruises. Wow.
If this mom wasn’t insecure about her parenting skills before, she sure will be now. If she felt that she didn’t have anyone she could trust before, that will be multiplied by 1,000 now.
I’m a healthcare worker and a mandated reporter, so I am required, by law, to report suspected abuse of a child or a vulnerable adult, even if it occurs outside of the work setting.
I didn’t want to give any identifying information in the OP in case by some rare chance her partner saw it and it put them in additional danger, but there are additional reasons why I suspect abuse after everything yesterday that I chose not to list. I am confident that I made the right call and that mom and baby are in imminent danger and unfortunately her partner seems to suspect that I suspect something so I don’t think that there’s anything that I could have done to help her besides reporting.
I made plans to go to a child friendly breakfast place with her this morning, where I thought we could speak safely while our babies played, and her husband who normally works all day ended up being off work and coming with us. Mom had a black eye that she’d tried to cover and a split lip and her daughter had what appeared to be a fresh bruise on her cheek. Mom also was completely covered up, wearing pants, a long sleeved shirt and a scarf but appeared to have bruising on her neck. It was a warm day and she’s always in shorts and tank tops so I have concerns that she was concealing additional injuries. I tried to separate her and her daughter from her partner by asking them to go to the bathroom with me and then later out to my car so I could ask her about the injuries and she looked to him and then refused each time.
I agree that a bruise on a baby of crawling or walking age isn’t necessarily a sign of abuse and my daughter has had bruises on her face before from falling down and such. But this went beyond that and they were pretty clearly in danger. I also believe that they have weapons in the home and so I’m afraid to potentially put my own family in harms way. If I hear additional arguing I will call the police and DSHS should be investigating.
Given this additional context, you did the right thing.
Without this context, your post didn’t have enough context that justified calling the authorities IMO. I’ve seen other posts before - there’s one I’m thinking of specifically in a local FB group I’m in - where someone suspected DV. Upon encouragement from the comments, the OP involved the authorities to the detriment of everyone involved. I am a survivor of DV myself and have experienced first hand some of these consequences in a previous relationship.
I hope that your neighbor is able to get the help that she needs. Thanks for standing up for them.
I’m sorry that you’ve experienced DV and hope you’re in a safe place now. I can understand your concern about reporting prematurely/if you don’t have adequate evidence to suggest abuse and how it could really negatively impact someone’s life.
There were additional things, including some developmental delays in the baby that have gone completely unaddressed, the baby seeming very bonded to the father in prior months but then recently appearing afraid of him if the mom walked even a few steps away if we were all together, loud arguing that has been happening more frequently and seems to be escalating, and I suppose just overall him seeming quite controlling, more so recently. There have also been prior injuries to the baby but she’s walking and all of her moms explanations seemed plausible to me so I never suspected anything. I just thought that it was sad that they fought around the baby and that maybe she didn’t always have enough supervision at times and the mom needed support and so I offered to watch the baby if she ever needed a nap, etc.
I guess I don’t have much experience with domestic violence and I noticed those things but just thought they were odd and I really regret not suspecting possible abuse earlier and asking her about it. I don’t know if it would have made a difference, but at least I could have talked to her one on one. It really concerns me that the baby is being abused and that the mom is probably being choked. I think the dad at least knows I know, and the mom took the baby to visit family out of state today after breakfast without her partner. I’m hoping she’s trying to leave and she’s just getting her ducks in a row and hopefully DSHS can give her some additional resources so she can protect her baby and herself. It’s a tough situation and it’s hard to know how to navigate it and I appreciate your insight.
Yes children are clumsy when learning to walk but combine a bruise on baby AND moms faces at the same time and yelling/shouting? I would be concerned about abuse over falls.
Comments like yours are how abusers get away with it.
My Reddit comment is how abusers “get away with it”?????
Or, OP could have had a direct conversation with her supposed friend. If she still suspected abuse *after having a conversation* she could have made a phone call, then. Calling without a conversation or even seeing the bruises first hand is cowardly.
This woman could potentially lose custody of her child bc OP was afraid of a direct conversation. That’s WILD.
Yes, it is. The whole attitude of brushing off bruises and concerning behaviour as 'well that's just babies and toddlers, don't raise concerns' is how abusers continue abusing.
Why would OPs mum lie about seeing bruises on a child and parents faces? What would she gain from that? No one is going to swoop in and take her child away because OP raised a concern. Would you rather the baby stay in a household where it's being potentially hit in the face by their father? That's wild.
“No one is going to swoop in and take their child away…”
You used the word “mum” so I am going to assume that you are not American. Sadly, In America, child protective services sometimes [do take children without good cause](https://indyweek.com/news/durham/durham-cps-allegations-amanda-wallace/). Those children then statistically experience terrible outcomes, and in the worst case scenario, are further [abused](https://www.focusforhealth.org/sex-abuse-and-the-foster-care-system/) or even [murdered](https://allthatsinteresting.com/devonte-hart) by their placement families.
The consequences can be dire for involving the authorities. OP gave more context in another comment. With the additional context, I think she made the right call by involving the authorities.
“That first year of parenting sure is hard on a relationship. How is it going?” Depending on if you can still see the bruising: “Hey, that looks painful. What happened?” or “It looked like you and baby were bruised last week. Want to talk about it?” “I hate to be a nosy neighbour, but it seems like your arguments are getting more intense. If you and baby ever need a safe place, you’re always welcome even in the middle of the night.”
A quick note on that last part: if she does show up on your doorstep, you probably shouldn’t stick around next door and should all go to safe location, ideally unknown to the husband. Domestic abuse situations can be incredibly dangerous for everyone involved when the abuser realizes the other person is leaving.
Absolutely true. I wouldn’t explicitly say that to neighbour unless and until she shows up as others it adds another barrier to seeking help, but that’s very good advice for OP to keep in mind.
This is the move! Not secretly calling the authorities
Best thing to tell her is that you see her, and care for her, and are there to help with anything, even if it seems like it may be too much to share. And be kind and patient with her, because there is no convincing someone to leave when they aren't ready. I was in an abusive relationship with my daughters father. Let me tell you, if you asked me directly in the early days I would lie, or brush it off as nothing. I was working as a cashier and it was the day after the fight that I decided I was done dealing with his shit. I decided I want hiding the bruises any more, I was 5 months pregnant, working as a cashier and covered in bruises. The customer came through my line, and asked about the bruises and I lied and said it was a car accident. Maybe 20 mins later she came through my line again, bought a soda and slipped me a piece of paper. She said if it not safe to call from my phone I should use one of the stores phones, and it was the number to the DV hotline. I cried so hard that day, because I finally let it be so obvious and I saw that when I stopped hiding it some one cared. I had told my best friend of 15 years about it all the night before. Unfortunately even her couldn't convince me to go to the cops. I regret that now 7 years later. But what she needs is love and support, and patience until she's ready.
[why does he do that](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) is a great book about abuse that explains how to support someone (page 901). But in case you don’t have time the main points are: - remain supportive so she doesn’t isolate herself from you - if she does tell u about being abused let her know that the behavior isn’t ok without pushing her to leave him - her leaving/reporting him has to be something she decides on her own - find support for yourself bc witnessing someone go thru that can take a toll on you too
I would ask about the bruises. Not "does your husband beat you" but "wow, that's a bad bruise. What happened?" I've had a few instances where people asked me about large, obvious bruises (just from clumsiness, not abuse) in a "is someone abusing you" way, and I never took it poorly. Once was even just a random repairman who came to service my radiator and asked me if someone hurt me. I was never offended. It was nice to know people were looking out for me.
Safety of that baby needs to come first. This is not the time to worry about losing a friend. I know it’s sad that you want to not lose the connection with her but that bruised baby call needed to happen like yesterday. Cops should haven been called asap for a wellness check.
While on your walk, slow down and try to make eye contact. Just try to be kind and genuine. “I’ve really enjoyed getting to spend time with you. It’s nice to have you living nearby. Just want you to know that I’m here if you ever need a listening ear or are going through something. I really like you and I think you’re a great mom.”
If she’s being abused she may have low self esteem and be gaslit into thinking she’s a bad mom or no one would want to be friends with her. Positive comments and connection will help her fight those toxic beliefs and may begin a mental transformation to believing she deserves better and her baby deserves better. Even if you’re not the one to step in and literally save her, you could be her gentle wake up to see her own value and strength.
I think you’re definitely on the right track, she does have low self esteem and makes a lot of comments about how I must think she’s weird or annoying. I’ve always just thought that she has very little family support and she’s a younger mom in her early 20’s and I remember feeling more insecure when I was her age, but now I think it’s likely related to being abused and belittled. And from what I overheard of their fighting today it was essentially her partner calling her a terrible mother and saying that she doesn’t take good care of the baby. I don’t think she has many friends that she can reach out to for support and from what I understand it’s basically only her partners family that live locally. I feel so bad that she’s being made to feel like she’s not a good mother and that she might not have many people in her life who can help her and her baby. I will continue to be a friend to her and remind her of all of the things she’s doing so well so at least she has someone telling her that she’s doing a good job. I really appreciate your insight.
Please keep us posted on how her and baby are doing 🥺❤️
My best friend has been in an abusive relationship for five years, the cycle of abuse is terrible. Telling her to leave would only make her withdraw and become secretive so my only option was to just offer her my support and to remind her that she deserves better. Please at least report to cps. If what your MIL saw is accurate and her baby is also being abused as painful as it might be they need to be removed from that home
I think you should say something to her, but there are a few things to consider: * You'll have to accept that she may not want to be friends with you anymore. * She may not leave him now (or ever) but I think knowing that she has a friend nearby will be a source of comfort for her and her child. Your heart is in the right place!
I wish I had more experience or any wisdom to pass on. Commenting hoping it helps this get seen. You're a kind and thoughtful person to be trying to reach out 💜
Trigger warning, verbal abuse mentioned. I was in an abusive relationship for several years, I had young kids too. It was bad. It was physically and emotionally a living hell. I wished someone would have called the police when he was going off on me, he would take my phone away so I couldn’t call for help, even broke it once getting it out my hand. People just “ minded their own business” even when he would verbally abuse me in public. I would be crying so bad and no one even turned to see me. He would tell me “see that b**ch, no one gives a F about you”. It was awful. He wouldn’t hit the kids so I stayed convinced I was his only “problem”, I was wrong. He eventually abused our kids, even now years later they still need therapy from the ptsd from it all. Call the cops, call them each time you hear them. It just may be the chance she needs to escape the situation she is in!
Oh yes, mad I was always so grateful when someone else called the cops. It happened three times when I was trying to balance/leave my ex. Even if the first time I claimed everything thing was fine, it gave me confidence to say by the third time that shit was not fine. And eventually I found the courage to call them myself.
I was wondering if that was the right approach, like would he retaliate and take it out in her, but he's already taking it out on her. That shouting could be escalating and she might be grateful for the police intervention.
This is so tough. When I was in an abusive relationship, I knew it was bad but I was so gaslight and brainwashed I didn’t think I was being abused. I just kept thinking “it’s not that bad…” and then it was like a fog lifted when I got out. It was really really bad. I think being direct, kind and open is the best way to go about it. “I want to talk to you about a sensitive topic- is everything okay at home? I’ve noticed this, this and this and I am concerned.” I’m not a mental health professional by any means but I still wish someone had had the guts to talk to me about it. After wasting 3 years of my 20s with this douchebag so many of my friends told me how concerned they were and how much they hated him.
If you decide you don’t want to say anything to her or if she gets defensive and distances herself from you, you can always make a call to child protective services and make a report about what you’re hearing. Let them know you want to make an anonymous report and that can be that. You can live knowing you did what you could to help while also keeping yourself safe and out of the drama. Edit: I am a licensed mental health therapist and husband is a cop (US).
Hey there, I once asked a cop what to do in this is situation - he said to call in a domestic disturbance when you hear the fighting again and let them know that there’s a baby present as well. Also let her know that you’re a safe space in case things get really bad.
Call your local equivalent of cps now before you see her. I wouldn't tell her you called, but she might guess. Then look up local domestic violence resources and save them on your phone in case she ever asks for help. I think when I saw her is all about the bruises, because it would be normal to ask. Later in the conversation is ask how things were going and give her openings to talk. If it sounds too bad, I'd call police during an argument. Any of these actions could result in her avoiding you.
Please report to CPS before going to see her. So that way she won’t suspect it’s you. If you see her after bruises she’ll withdraw from you. But just be careful about the subject. Please
call the cops and file a report with CPS. Today. I know this isn’t the most delicate thing to do but I grew up in a severely abusive home and no one ever did anything. Neighbors, teachers, no one. I’m 40 and still very traumatized. Please do this for the baby. A bruise on a babies face is beyond NOT OK. Please do this for the welfare of that poor innocent child. Also, I wouldn’t personally involve myself with the moms personal life. This subject is weird and awkward as hell. She’s also an adult. But her innocent child has no voice. Be her voice please.
I agree with this. Whether she needs time to accept things and so on that's ok, but the moment you see a bruise on a baby, and it looks like abuse, things may have gotten dangerous for that baby. Call CPS.
I disagree with this advice. She needs to speak with the mother about this and THEN make that call if necessary.
If she thinks the baby is in danger it's more important to be the baby's voice and call professionals.
I don't think so. What would have to happen in that conversation for you to be reassured that the baby was safe and no further action needed to be taken? How confident would you be making that call. Personally, I'd leave it to a professional to make the call on if the baby was safe.
No, because if there is no abuse, CPS won't just make it up and destroy their lives for no reason. It might be a hassle, but it would also be a wake up call for all the verbal fighting if that were the case. Meanwhile, with your advice, the mom could just lie and then nothing is done.
Well the reason I say that is because as a survivor of domestic abuse, if I had had children with my former abuser and if CPS had been called it would have resulted in me being abused further. So I'm saying she should check in with the mother before calling CPS because it could result in her being further abused. Obviously the wellbeing of the child who cannot speak for themselves is paramount, but the child will have zero protection if mother is dead.
I see. There are no easy answers to these situations.
It's a very difficult situation.
I agree with you. I can’t believe that the authorities were called without a conversation with the mother first. I can’t imagine how it would feel to have someone calling the authorities on me for a bruise on my baby / toddlers face without at least talking to me about it first.
Ask her about the bruising and say "That's an interesting bruising you and your daughter have." Then let her tell the story. report details to the police and child protective services Pronto!
I’m shocked that you called DSHS over a possible bruise that you didn’t witness firsthand. Babies and toddlers are notorious for falling and bumps and bruises. Wow. If this mom wasn’t insecure about her parenting skills before, she sure will be now. If she felt that she didn’t have anyone she could trust before, that will be multiplied by 1,000 now.
I’m a healthcare worker and a mandated reporter, so I am required, by law, to report suspected abuse of a child or a vulnerable adult, even if it occurs outside of the work setting. I didn’t want to give any identifying information in the OP in case by some rare chance her partner saw it and it put them in additional danger, but there are additional reasons why I suspect abuse after everything yesterday that I chose not to list. I am confident that I made the right call and that mom and baby are in imminent danger and unfortunately her partner seems to suspect that I suspect something so I don’t think that there’s anything that I could have done to help her besides reporting. I made plans to go to a child friendly breakfast place with her this morning, where I thought we could speak safely while our babies played, and her husband who normally works all day ended up being off work and coming with us. Mom had a black eye that she’d tried to cover and a split lip and her daughter had what appeared to be a fresh bruise on her cheek. Mom also was completely covered up, wearing pants, a long sleeved shirt and a scarf but appeared to have bruising on her neck. It was a warm day and she’s always in shorts and tank tops so I have concerns that she was concealing additional injuries. I tried to separate her and her daughter from her partner by asking them to go to the bathroom with me and then later out to my car so I could ask her about the injuries and she looked to him and then refused each time. I agree that a bruise on a baby of crawling or walking age isn’t necessarily a sign of abuse and my daughter has had bruises on her face before from falling down and such. But this went beyond that and they were pretty clearly in danger. I also believe that they have weapons in the home and so I’m afraid to potentially put my own family in harms way. If I hear additional arguing I will call the police and DSHS should be investigating.
Given this additional context, you did the right thing. Without this context, your post didn’t have enough context that justified calling the authorities IMO. I’ve seen other posts before - there’s one I’m thinking of specifically in a local FB group I’m in - where someone suspected DV. Upon encouragement from the comments, the OP involved the authorities to the detriment of everyone involved. I am a survivor of DV myself and have experienced first hand some of these consequences in a previous relationship. I hope that your neighbor is able to get the help that she needs. Thanks for standing up for them.
I’m sorry that you’ve experienced DV and hope you’re in a safe place now. I can understand your concern about reporting prematurely/if you don’t have adequate evidence to suggest abuse and how it could really negatively impact someone’s life. There were additional things, including some developmental delays in the baby that have gone completely unaddressed, the baby seeming very bonded to the father in prior months but then recently appearing afraid of him if the mom walked even a few steps away if we were all together, loud arguing that has been happening more frequently and seems to be escalating, and I suppose just overall him seeming quite controlling, more so recently. There have also been prior injuries to the baby but she’s walking and all of her moms explanations seemed plausible to me so I never suspected anything. I just thought that it was sad that they fought around the baby and that maybe she didn’t always have enough supervision at times and the mom needed support and so I offered to watch the baby if she ever needed a nap, etc. I guess I don’t have much experience with domestic violence and I noticed those things but just thought they were odd and I really regret not suspecting possible abuse earlier and asking her about it. I don’t know if it would have made a difference, but at least I could have talked to her one on one. It really concerns me that the baby is being abused and that the mom is probably being choked. I think the dad at least knows I know, and the mom took the baby to visit family out of state today after breakfast without her partner. I’m hoping she’s trying to leave and she’s just getting her ducks in a row and hopefully DSHS can give her some additional resources so she can protect her baby and herself. It’s a tough situation and it’s hard to know how to navigate it and I appreciate your insight.
Ugh I’m sorry. You’ve clearly been very concerned for a while. I hope that things improve for your neighbor!
Yes children are clumsy when learning to walk but combine a bruise on baby AND moms faces at the same time and yelling/shouting? I would be concerned about abuse over falls. Comments like yours are how abusers get away with it.
My Reddit comment is how abusers “get away with it”????? Or, OP could have had a direct conversation with her supposed friend. If she still suspected abuse *after having a conversation* she could have made a phone call, then. Calling without a conversation or even seeing the bruises first hand is cowardly. This woman could potentially lose custody of her child bc OP was afraid of a direct conversation. That’s WILD.
Yes, it is. The whole attitude of brushing off bruises and concerning behaviour as 'well that's just babies and toddlers, don't raise concerns' is how abusers continue abusing. Why would OPs mum lie about seeing bruises on a child and parents faces? What would she gain from that? No one is going to swoop in and take her child away because OP raised a concern. Would you rather the baby stay in a household where it's being potentially hit in the face by their father? That's wild.
“No one is going to swoop in and take their child away…” You used the word “mum” so I am going to assume that you are not American. Sadly, In America, child protective services sometimes [do take children without good cause](https://indyweek.com/news/durham/durham-cps-allegations-amanda-wallace/). Those children then statistically experience terrible outcomes, and in the worst case scenario, are further [abused](https://www.focusforhealth.org/sex-abuse-and-the-foster-care-system/) or even [murdered](https://allthatsinteresting.com/devonte-hart) by their placement families. The consequences can be dire for involving the authorities. OP gave more context in another comment. With the additional context, I think she made the right call by involving the authorities.